Indueseason，though，hereachestheagewhereadolescentwhiskersandyoungromancebegintosproutoutonhimsimultaneously——andfromthatmomentonfortherestofhislifehishairisgivinghimbother，andplentyofit。
Yourhairgivesyoubotheraslongasyouhaveitandmorebotherwhenitstartstogo。Youarealwaysdoingsomethingforitanditisalwaysshowingdeep—dyedingratitudeinreturn;orelsethedyeisn\'tdeepenough，whichisevenworse。Hairisresponsibleforsuchbyproductsasdandruff，barbers，wigs，severalcomicweeklies，mentalanguish，addedexpense，Chineserevolutions，andthestandardjokeaboutyourwife\'susingyourbestrazortoopenacanoftomatoeswith。HairhasbeenofaidtoBuffaloBill，LittleLordFauntleroy，Samson，TheLadyGodiva，Jo—Jo，theDog—FacedBoy，poets，pianists，someartistsandmostmattressmakers，butadrawbackandasorrowtoAbsalom，polarbearsincaptivityandthemalesexingeneral。
Thisassertiongoesnotonlyforhairontheheadbutforhairontheface。Letusconsiderforamomentthematterofshaving。
Ifyoushaveyourselfyouexciteabarber\'scontempt，andthereisnobodywhosecontempttheaveragemandreadsmorethanabarber\'s，unlessitisawaiter\'s。Andontheotherhand，ifyouletabarbershaveyouheexcitesnotyourcontemptparticularly，butyourrageandfrequentlyyourundyinghatred。Onceinaburstofconfidenceabarbertoldmeoneofthetradesecretsofhisprofession——hesaidthatamongbarberseveryfacefellintooneofthreeclasses，itbeingeitherasquare，aroundorasquirrel。Iknownot，reader，whetheryoursbeasquareoraroundorasquirrel，butthismuchIwillchanceonaventure，sightunseen——thatyouhaveyourperiodsofintenseunhappinesswhenyouarebeingshaved。
Idonotrefersomuchtotheactualprocessofbeingshaved。
Indeedthereissomethingrestfulandsoothingtotheaveragemaleadultinthefeelofasharprazorbeingguidedoverabristlyjowlbyadeftandskillfulhand，totheaccompanimentofagentlegratingsoundandfollowedbyasensationoftransientsilkensmoothness。NordoIrefertothebarber\'shabitofconversation。
Afterall，abarberishuman——hehastotalktosomebody，anditmightaswellbeyou。Ifhedidn\'thaveyoutotalktohe\'dhavetotalktoanotherbarber，andthatwouldbenotreattohim。
WhatIdorefertoisthatwhichprecedesashaveandmoreespeciallythatwhichfollowsafterit。Yourushinforashave。
Intenminutesyouhaveanengagementtobemarriedorsomethingelseimportant，andyouwantashaveandyouwantitquick。Doesthebarbertakecognizanceoftheemergency？Hedoesnot。Suchwouldbecontrarytotheethicsofhiscalling。Knowingfromyourownlipsthatyouwantashaveandthat\'spositivelyall，heneverthelessisinstantlyfilledwithaburningdesiretoequipyouwithalargenumberofotherthings。Inthisregardthebarberingprofessionhasmuchincommonwiththehaberdasheringorgents\'—furnishingprofessionaspracticedinourlargercities。
Youinvadeahaberdasheringestablishmentforthepurpose，letussay，ofinvestinginaplainandsimplepairofhalfhose，pricetwenty—fivecents。Thatemphaticallyisallthatyoudodesire。
Yousostateinplain，simplelanguage，usingtheshorteranduglierwordsocks。
Doestheyouthinthepalemauveshirtwiththemarquiseringonthelittlefingerofthelefthandrestcontentwiththis？NeedI
answerthisquestion？Insuccessionhetriestosellyouafancywaistcoatwithlargepearlbuttons，abrokenlotofsilkpajamas，abath—robe，someshrimp—pinkunderwear——hewearsthiskindhimselfhetellsyouinstrictconfidence——apairofplushsuspendersandaknittednecktiethatyouwouldn\'tbecaughtwearingattwelveo\'clockatnightatthebottomofacoalmineduringatotaleclipseofthemoon。Ifyouresisthisblandishmentsandsofarforgetthatyouareagentlemanastouseharshlanguage，andifyouinsistonapairofsocksandnothingelse，he\'llletyouhavethem，buthewillneverfeelthesametowardyouashedid。
\'Tismuchthesamewithabarber。Youneedashaveinahurryandheiswillingthatyoushouldhaveashave，hebeingthereforthatpurpose，butfirstandlasthecanthinkofupwardofthirtyorfortyotherthingsthatyououghttohave，includingashampoo，ahaircut，ahairsinge，ahairtonic，ahairoil，amanicure，afacialmassage，ascalpmassage，aTurkishbath，hisopiniononthemeritsofthenewestWhiteHope，ashoeshine，somekindofaskinfood，andaseriesofcomparisonsoftheweatherwearehavingthistimethismonthwiththeweatherwewerehavingthistimelastmonth。NotallofusaregiftedwiththepowerofreparteebywhichmyfriendFrisbeeturnedtheedgeofthebarber\'sdesires。
\"Yourhair，\"saidthebarber，fondlingatruantlock，\"islong。\"
\"Iknowitis，\"saidFrisbee。\"Ilikeitlong。It\'ssoRoycrofty。\"
\"Itisverylong，\"saidthebarberwithawistfulexpression。
\"Ilikeitverylong，\"saidFrisbee。\"IliketohavepeoplecomeuptomeonthestreetandcallmeMr。SutherlandandaskmehowIleftmysisters？IliketobemistakenforaRussianpianist。
Ilikeforstrangerstostopmeandaskmehow\'severythingupatEastAurora。Inshort，Ilikeitlong。\"
\"Yes，sir，\"saidthebarber，\"quiteso，sir;butit\'sverylong，particularlyhereintheback——itcoversyourcoatcollar。\"
\"Indeed？\"saidFrisbee。\"Yousayitcoversmycoatcollar？\"
\"Yes，sir，\"saidthebarber。\"Youcan\'tseethecoatcollaratall。\"
\"Haveyougotagoodsharppairofshearsthere？\"saidFrisbee。
\"Oh，yes，sir，\"saidthebarber。
\"Allrightthen，\"saidFrisbee;\"cutthecollaroff。\"
Butnotallofus，asIsaidbefore，havethisreadygiftofparryandthrustthatdistinguishesmyfriendFrisbee。Mostlyweweaklysurrender。Orifwerefusetosurrender，demandingjustashavebyitselfandnothingelse，whatthenfollows？Inmyowncase，speakingpersonally，Iknowexactlywhatfollows。IdonotliketohaveanypowderdabbedonmyfacewhenIamthroughshaving。
Ibelieveinlettingthebloomofyouthshowthroughyourskin，providingyouhaveanybloomofyouthtodoso。Ialwaystakepainstostatemyviewsinthisregardatleasttwiceduringtheoperationofbeingshaved——onceatthestartwhenthebarberhasmealllatheredup，withsoapsudsdrippingfromtheflangesofmyshell—likeearsandrunningdownmyneck，andonceagaintowardthecloseoftheoperation，whenhehaslaidasidehisrazorandissousingmydefenselessfeaturesinaliquidthatsmellsandtastesagooddeallikethosescentedpinkblotterstheyusedtogiveawayatdrug—storestoadvertisesomebody\'scologne。
Doesthebarberrespectmywishesinthisregard？Certainlynot。
Heinsistsonpowderingme，eitherbeforemyeyesorsurreptitiouslyandinaclandestinemanner。Ifhedidn\'tpowdermeuphewouldlosehissenseofself—respect，andprobablytheunionwouldtakehiscardawayfromhim。Ithinkthereissomethingintheconstitutionandby—lawsrequiringthatIbepowderedup。Ihavefoughtthegoodfightforyears，butI\'malwayspowdered。Sometimesthecraftyfoedissembles。Hepretendsthatheisnotgoingtopowdermeup。Butallofasuddenwhenmybackisturned，asitwere，hegrabsuphispowderswabandmakesaquickswoopuponmeandthehellishdeedisdone。Ishouldbepleasedtohearfromothervictimsofthispracticesuggestinganypracticalreliefshortofhomicide。Idonotwishtokillabarber——thereareseveralotherordersinahead，referringtothepersonsIintendtokillofffirst——butImaybedriventoit。
Afterhehasgashedmecasuallyhitherandyen，andsluiceddownmyhelplesscountenancewiththecarefreeabandonofalivery—stablehandwashingoffabuggy，andafter，asabovestated，hehascoveredupthetracesofhiscrimewithpowder，thebarbernexttakesatowelandfoldsitoverhisrighthand，asprescribedintherulesandregulations，andthenhedabsmewiththattowelonvariouspartsofmyfaceninehundredandseventy—four——974——
separateanddistincttimes。IknowtheexactnumberofdabsbecauseIhavetakenthetroubletokeepcount。Imaybeinasgreatahurryasyoucanimagine;Imaybebutapoornervouswreckalready，asIam;Imaybequiveringtobeupandawayfromthere，buthedabsmewithhistowel——hedabsmeuntilreasontottersonherthrone——sometimesjustatinytot，asthesayinggoes，oritmaybethatthewholecerebralstructureisinvolved——andthenwhenheisapparentlyallthroughtheDemoniacDabbercomesbackanddabsmeonemorefiendish，deliberateandpremeditateddab，makingninehundredandseventy—fivedabsinall。Hehastodoit;it\'sintheritualthatIandyouandeverybodymusthavethatlastdab。
Iwonderhowmanygibberingidiotsthereareintheasylumtodaywhosereasonwasoverthrownbybeingdabbedthatlastfarewelldab。
IknowfrommyownexperiencethatIcanfeelthelittledark—greengibberssloshingroundinsideofmeeverytimeithappens，andsomedaymymindwillgiveawayaltogetherandthere\'llbeahurrycallsentinforthewagonwiththelockonthebackdoor。Yetitisofnoavailtocavilorprotest;wecannothopetoescape;wecanonlysitthereinmuteandhelplessmiseryandbefilledwithagreatenvyforMexicanhairlessdogs。
Forquiteaspellnowwehavebeenspeakingofhairontheface;
atthispointwereverttohairinitsrelationtothehead。Therearesomefewamongus，mainlyprofessionalSouthernersandleadingmen，whoretainthebulkofthehairontheirheadsthroughlife;
butwithmostofusthecircumstancesaredifferent。Yourhairgoesfromyou。Youdon\'tseemtonoticeitatfirst;thenallofasuddenyouwakeuptotherealizationthatyourheadisworkingitswayupthroughthehair。Youstartinthendesperatelydoingthingsforyourhairinthehopeofinducingittostickroundtheoldplaceawhilelonger，butithasheardthecallofthewildanditisonitsway。There\'snodetainingit。Yousoakyourskullinlotionsuntilyourbrainsoftensandyourhat—bandgetsmoldyfromthedamp，butyourhairkeepsrightongoing。
Afterawhileitispracticallygone。Ifonlyabouttwo—thirdsofitisgoneyourheadlookslikeagreatauk\'segginasnugnest;
butifmostofitgoesthereissomethingaboutyouthatsuggeststheGlacialPeriod，withanicybarrenpeakrisinghighabovethevegetationline，whereathinlineofheroicstrandsstillclingtotheslopes。Youarebaldthen，asubjectfitforthejapesofthewickedanduniversallycoupledinthebettingwithonions，withhard—boiledeggsandwiththefrontrowoforchestrachairsatamusicalshow。
Atthistimeofwritingbaldnessiscreepinginsidiouslyupeachsideofmyhead。Itisexecutingflankmovementsfromthetemplesnorthward，andsomedaythetwocolumnswillmeetandafterthatI\'llbeconsiderablymoreofahighbrowthanIamnow。AtpresentIamcraftilycombingtheremainingthatchinthemiddleandsmoothingitoutniceandflat，soastokeepthosebarespotscovered——thinlyperhaps，butneverthelesscovered。Itismyearnestdesiretocontinuetokeepthemcovered。Iamnotaprofessionalbeauty;Iamnotevenwhatyouwouldcallagoodamateurbeauty;andIwanttomakewhatlittlehairIhavegoasfarasitconvenientlycan。ButdoesthebarbertowhomIrepairatfrequentintervalscoincidewithmydesiresinthisrespect？
AgainIreplyhedoesnot。EverytimeIgoinIspeaktohimaboutit。Isaytohim:\"Woodman，sparethathair，touchnotasinglestrand;inyouthitshelteredmeandI\'llprotectitnow。\"
Orinsubstancethat。
Hesaysyes，hewill，buthedoesn\'tmeanit。Hewaitsuntilhecancatchmewithmyguarddown。Thenheseizesacomb，andusingtheedgeofhislefthandasabevelandoperatinghisrightwithasortoffree—armSpencerianmovement，heroachesmyhairupinascallopeffectoneitherside，anduponreachingthecresthefightswithitandwrestleswithituntilhemakesitstanderectinafeather—edgeddesign。Icantellbyhisexpressionthatheispleasedwiththisarrangement。Helovestosendhisvictimsforthintotheworldtuftedlikethefretfulcockatoo。Helikestoseesurgingwavesofhairdashhighonasternandrockboundhead。Hissenseoftheartisticdemandssucharesult。
WhatcareshehowIfeelaboutitsolongasthehighercravingsofhisownnaturearesatisfied？ButIresentit——Iresentitbitterly。Iobjecttohavingmyheadlooklikeareal—estatedevelopmentwithanopeningforanewstreetgoingupeachsideandanornamentaldesigninfancylandscapegardeningacrossthetop。IfIpermitthisIwon\'tbeabletokeeponsayingthatI
wastwenty—sevenonmylastbirthday，withsomehopeofgettingawaywithit。SoIinsistthatheputmyfronthairrightbackwherehefoundit。Hedoesso，underprotestandbegrudgingly，itistrue，buthedoesit。Andthen，watchinghisopportunity，herunsinonmeandoverpowersmeandroachesitupsomemore。
IfIweakenandsubmitheishappyasthedayislong。Ifhegetsitroacheduponbothsidesthatwillmakemelooklikeahorizontal—barperformer，whichishisideaofmanlybeauty。OrifhegetsitroachedupononesideonlythereisstillsomeconsolationinitforhimI\'mliabletobemistakenanywhereforatrained—animalperformer。Butonceinaverygreatwhilehedoesn\'tgetitroacheduponeitherside，buthastostandthereandsufferasheseesmewalkforthintotheworldwithmyhaircombedtosuitmeandnothim。Icantellbyhislookthatheisgrievedanddowncast，andthathewillprobablygohomeandbecrosstothechildren。Hehasbutonesolace——hehopestohavebetterluckwithmenexttime。Andprobablyhewill。
Thelastageofhairisawig。Butwigsarenotsoverysatisfactoryeither。I\'veseenalltheknownvarietiesofwigs，andIneversawoneyetthatlookedasthoughitwereevenonspeakingtermswiththeheadthatwasunderit。Awigalwayslooksasthoughitwereatotalstrangertotheheadandhadjustlitthereaminutetorest，preparatorytoflyingalongtothenexthead。Nevertheless，IthinkonthewholeI\'llbehappierwhenmytimecomestowearone，becausethennobarbercanroachmeup。
HandsandFeetNearlyeveryboyhasaperiodinhislifewhenheisfilledwithanenviousadmirationfortheEastIndiagodwiththeextrasetofarms——Vishnu，Ithinkthisparty\'snameis。Toasmallboyitseemsagrandthingtohaveareallyadequateassortmentofhands。
Heconsiderstheadvantageofsuchanarrangementinschool——twohandsinplainviewabovethedeskholdingMcGuffy\'sFourthReaderattheproperangleforstudyandtheothertwooutofsight，downunderneaththedeskengagedinmanufacturingpaperwadsorplayingcrack—a—looorsomeotherreallyworthwhileemployment。
Orforrobbingbirds\'nests。Therewouldbetwohandsforuseinskinningupthetree，andonehandforscaringoffthemotherbirdandonehandforstealingtheeggs。Andforhangingonbehindwagonsthecombinationpositivelycouldnotbebeaten。Thentherewouldbethegaudyconspicuousnessofgoingaroundwithfourarmsweavinginandoutinakindofspideryeffectwhilelessfavoredboyswereforcedtocontentthemselveswithjustanordinaryandinsufficientpair。Really，therewasonlyonedrawbacktothecontemplationofthisscheme——there\'dbetwiceasmanyhandstowashwhencompanywascomingtodinner。
Generallyspeakingaboy\'shandsgivehimnoseriousconcernduringthefirstfewyearsofhislifeexceptatsuchtimesashismothergrowsofficiousandfussyandinsiststhattheyoughttobewashedupasfarastheregularplaceforwashingaboy\'shands，towit，aboutmidwaybetweentheknucklesandthewrist。Thefactthatonefingerisusuallyinastateofmashednessisnodrawback，butabenefit。Thepresenceofasoiledragaroundafingergivestoaboy\'shandatouchofdistinctiveness——singlesitoutfromordinaryunmaimedhands。Itspresencehasbeenknowntoexcuseitshappypossessorfromsuchchoresasbringinginwoodforthekitchenstoveorpullingdockweedsoutofthegrassinafrontyardwhereitwouldbemucheasierandquickertopullthegrassoutofthedockweeds。Itmayevenbemadeasourceofprofitbyremovingthewrappingsandchargingtwochinamarblesalook。Iseemtorecallthatinthecaseofaspeciallyattractiveinjury，suchasathumbnailknockedofforadeepcutwhichhasrefusedtohealbyfirstintentionoranimbeddedsplinterinprocessofbeingdrawnoutbyascrapoffatmeat，thatasmuchasfourchinamarblescouldbecharged。
OntheFourthofJulyyouoccasionallyburnedyourhandsandincoldwinterstheychappedextensivelyacrosstheknucklesbutthesewerebutthemarksandscarsofhonorableendeavorandahardyendurance。Inoursettheboywhoseknuckleshadthedeepestcracksinthemwasaprominentandadmiredfigure，crowned，asyoumightsay，withanimaginarychapletbyreasonofhischaps。
Withgirls，ofcourse，itwasdifferent。
Girlsweresuperfluousandunnecessarycreatureswithafalseandinflatedideaofthevalueofsoapandwater。Theirhandsweren\'tgoodformuchanyway。Lateronwediscoveredthatagirl\'shandswereexcellentforholdingpurposesinahammockorwhilecomingbackfromastrawride，butIamspeakingnowoftheearlierstagesofourdevelopment，beforethepresenceoftheostensiblyweakersexbegantoawakenresponsivethrobsinourseveralbosoms——inshortwhengirlsweremerelynuisancesandthingstobeignoredwheneverpossible。Inthatearlystageofhisexistencehandshavenoaltruisticorsentimentalorornamentalvalueforaboy——
theyareforusefulpurposesaltogetherandareregardedassuch。
Itisonlywhenhehasreachedtheageoftailcoatsandspike—fencecollarsthathediscoverstwohandsarefrequentlytoomanyandoftennotenough。Theyaretoomanyatyourfirstchurchweddingwhenwearingyourfirstpairofwhitekidsandtheyarenotenoughatafiveo\'clocktea。Thereisatypeofmalewhocangotoafiveo\'clockteaandnotfalloveralotofLouieKahn\'sfurnitureorgethimselfhopelesslytangledupinahangingdraperyandwhocanseemperfectlyateasewhileholdinginhishandsawalkingstick，apairofdovecoloredgloves，atwo—quarthat，acupofteawithasliceoflemonpeelinit，ateaspoon，alumpofsugar，aseedcookie，anolive，andthehandofaladywithwhomheisdiscussingthetruemeaningofthemessageofthelateIbsenbutthesegiftedmortalsarenotcommon。Theyarerareandexotic。
Therearealsosomefewwhocandoushingatachurchweddingwithapairofwhitekidsonandnotappearoverlyself—conscious。
Thesearealsotheexceptions。Thegreatmajorityofussuffervisiblyundersuchcircumstances。Youhavethefeelingthateachhandweighsfullytwenty—fourpoundsandthatitishangingoutofthesleeveforadistanceofaboutoneandthree—quartersyardsandyoudon\'tknowwhattodowithyourhandsandonthewholewouldfeelmuchmorecomfortableanddecorativeiftheywerebothsawedoffatthewristsandhiddensomeplacewhereyoucouldn\'tfind\'em。Youhavethatfeelingandyoulookit。Youlookasthoughyouwereworkinginaplasterofparisfactoryandwerecarryinghomeacoupleoflargesacksofsamples。ItwouldbegrandtobeaVishnuatafiveo\'clocktea，butawfultobeoneatachurchwedding。
