Merlinarrivedinagloomymood.Isaid:
\"YouwantedtoburnmealivewhenIhadnotdoneyouanyharm,andlatterlyyouhavebeentryingtoinjuremyprofessionalreputation.ThereforeI
amgoingtocalldownfireandblowupyourtower,butitisonlyfairtogiveyouachance;nowifyouthinkyoucanbreakmyenchantmentsandwardoffthefires,steptothebat,it\'syourinnings.\"
\"Ican,fairsir,andIwill.Doubtitnot.\"
Hedrewanimaginarycircleonthestonesoftheroof,andburntapinchofpowderinit,whichsentupasmallcloudofaromaticsmoke,whereateverybodyfellbackandbegantocrossthemselvesandgetuncomfortable.
Thenhebegantomutterandmakepassesintheairwithhishands.Heworkedhimselfupslowlyandgraduallyintoasortoffrenzy,andgottothrashingaroundwithhisarmslikethesailsofawindmill.Bythistimethestormhadaboutreachedus;thegustsofwindwereflaringthetorchesandmakingtheshadowsswashabout,thefirstheavydropsofrainwerefalling,theworldabroadwasblackaspitch,thelightningbegantowinkfitfully.
Ofcourse,myrodwouldbeloadingitselfnow.Infact,thingswereimminent.
SoIsaid:
\"Youhavehadtimeenough.Ihavegivenyoueveryadvantage,andnotinterfered.Itisplainyourmagicisweak.ItisonlyfairthatIbeginnow.\"
Imadeaboutthreepassesintheair,andthentherewasanawfulcrashandthatoldtowerleapedintotheskyinchunks,alongwithavastvolcanicfountainoffirethatturnednighttonoonday,andshowedathousandacresofhumanbeingsgrovelingonthegroundinageneralcollapseofconsternation.
Well,itrainedmortarandmasonrytherestoftheweek.Thiswasthereport;
butprobablythefactswouldhavemodifiedit.
Itwasaneffectivemiracle.Thegreatbothersometemporarypopulationvanished.Therewereagoodmanythousandtracksinthemudthenextmorning,buttheywerealloutwardbound.IfIhadadvertisedanothermiracleI
couldn\'thaveraisedanaudiencewithasheriff.
Merlin\'sstockwasflat.Thekingwantedtostophiswages;heevenwantedtobanishhim,butIinterfered.Isaidhewouldbeusefultoworktheweather,andattendtosmallmatterslikethat,andIwouldgivehimaliftnowandthenwhenhispoorlittleparlormagicsouredonhim.Therewasn\'taragofhistowerleft,butIhadthegovernmentrebuilditforhim,andadvisedhimtotakeboarders;buthewastoohightonedforthat.
Andasforbeinggrateful,heneverevensaidthankyou.Hewasaratherhardlot,takehimhowyoumight;butthenyoucouldn\'tfairlyexpectamantobesweetthathadbeensetbackso.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter8Chapter8-TheBossTObevestedwithenormousauthorityisafinething;buttohavetheon-lookingworldconsenttoitisafiner.Thetowerepisodesolidifiedmypower,andmadeitimpregnable.Ifanywereperchancedisposedtobejealousandcriticalbeforethat,theyexperiencedachangeofheart,now.Therewasnotanyoneinthekingdomwhowouldhaveconsidereditgoodjudgmenttomeddlewithmymatters.
Iwasfastgettingadjustedtomysituationandcircumstances.Foratime,Iusedtowakeup,mornings,andsmileatmy\"dream,\"andlistenfortheColt\'sfactorywhistle;butthatsortofthingplayeditselfout,gradually,andatlastIwasfullyabletorealizethatIwasactuallylivinginthesixthcentury,andinArthur\'scourt,notalunaticasylum.
Afterthat,IwasjustasmuchathomeinthatcenturyasIcouldhavebeeninanyother;andasforpreference,Iwouldn\'thavetradeditforthetwentieth.Lookattheopportunitieshereforamanofknowledge,brains,pluck,andenterprisetosailinandgrowupwiththecountry.Thegrandestfieldthateverwas;andallmyown;notacompetitor;notamanwhowasn\'tababytomeinacquirementsandcapacities;whereas,whatwouldIamounttointhetwentiethcentury?Ishouldbeforemanofafactory,thatisaboutall;andcoulddragaseinedownstreetanydayandcatchahundredbettermenthanmyself.
WhatajumpIhadmade!Icouldn\'tkeepfromthinkingaboutit,andcontemplatingit,justasonedoeswhohasstruckoil.Therewasnothingbackofmethatcouldapproachit,unlessitmightbeJoseph\'scase;andJoseph\'sonlyapproachedit,itdidn\'tequalit,quite.ForitstandstoreasonthatasJoseph\'ssplendidfinancialingenuitiesadvantagednobodybuttheking,thegeneralpublicmusthaveregardedhimwithagooddealofdisfavor,whereasIhaddonemyentirepublicakindnessinsparingthesun,andwaspopularbyreasonofit.
Iwasnoshadowofaking;Iwasthesubstance;thekinghimselfwastheshadow.Mypowerwascolossal;anditwasnotamerename,assuchthingshavegenerallybeen,itwasthegenuinearticle.Istoodhere,attheveryspringandsourceofthesecondgreatperiodoftheworld\'shistory;
andcouldseethetricklingstreamofthathistorygatheranddeepenandbroaden,androllitsmightytidesdownthefarcenturies;andIcouldnotetheupspringingofadventurerslikemyselfintheshelterofitslongarrayofthrones:DeMontforts,Gavestons,Mortimers,Villierses;thewar-making,campaign-directingwantonsofFrance,andCharlestheSecond\'sscepter-wieldingdrabs;butnowhereintheprocessionwasmyfullsizedfellowvisible.I
wasaUnique;andgladtoknowthatthatfactcouldnotbedislodgedorchallengedforthirteencenturiesandahalf,forsure.Yes,inpowerI
wasequaltotheking.Atthesametimetherewasanotherpowerthatwasatriflestrongerthanbothofusputtogether.ThatwastheChurch.I
donotwishtodisguisethatfact.Icouldn\'t,ifIwantedto.Butnevermindaboutthat,now;itwillshowup,initsproperplace,lateron.Itdidn\'tcausemeanytroubleinthebeginning——atleastanyofconsequence.
Well,itwasacuriouscountry,andfullofinterest.Andthepeople!
Theywerethequaintestandsimplestandtrustingestrace;why,theywerenothingbutrabbits.ItwaspitifulforapersonborninawholesomefreeatmospheretolistentotheirhumbleandheartyoutpouringsofloyaltytowardtheirkingandChurchandnobility;asiftheyhadanymoreoccasiontoloveandhonorkingandChurchandnoblethanaslavehastoloveandhonorthelash,oradoghastoloveandhonorthestrangerthatkickshim!Why,dearme,ANYkindofroyalty,howsoevermodified,ANYkindofaristocracy,howsoeverpruned,isrightlyaninsult;butifyouarebornandbroughtupunderthatsortofarrangementyouprobablyneverfinditoutforyourself,anddon\'tbelieveitwhensomebodyelsetellsyou.Itisenoughtomakeabodyashamedofhisracetothinkofthesortoffroththathasalwaysoccupieditsthroneswithoutshadowofrightorreason,andtheseventh-ratepeoplethathavealwaysfiguredasitsaristocracies——acompanyofmonarchsandnobleswho,asarule,wouldhaveachievedonlypovertyandobscurityifleft,liketheirbetters,totheirownexertions.
ThemostofKingArthur\'sBritishnationwereslaves,pureandsimple,andborethatname,andworetheironcollarontheirnecks;andtherestwereslavesinfact,butwithoutthename;theyimaginedthemselvesmenandfreemen,andcalledthemselvesso.Thetruthwas,thenationasabodywasintheworldforoneobject,andoneonly:togrovelbeforekingandChurchandnoble;toslaveforthem,sweatbloodforthem,starvethattheymightbefed,workthattheymightplay,drinkmiserytothedregsthattheymightbehappy,gonakedthattheymightwearsilksandjewels,paytaxesthattheymightbesparedfrompayingthem,befamiliaralltheirliveswiththedegradinglanguageandposturesofadulationthattheymightwalkinprideandthinkthemselvesthegodsofthisworld.Andforallthis,thethankstheygotwerecuffsandcontempt;andsopoor-spiritedweretheythattheytookeventhissortofattentionasanhonor.
Inheritedideasareacuriousthing,andinterestingtoobserveandexamine.Ihadmine,thekingandhispeoplehadtheirs.Inbothcasestheyflowedinrutsworndeepbytimeandhabit,andthemanwhoshouldhaveproposedtodivertthembyreasonandargumentwouldhavehadalongcontractonhishands.Forinstance,thosepeoplehadinheritedtheideathatallmenwithouttitleandalongpedigree,whethertheyhadgreatnaturalgiftsandacquirementsorhadn\'t,werecreaturesofnomoreconsiderationthansomanyanimals,bugs,insects;whereasIhadinheritedtheideathathumandawswhocanconsenttomasqueradeinthepeacock-shamsofinheriteddignitiesandunearnedtitles,areofnogoodbuttobelaughedat.ThewayIwaslookeduponwasodd,butitwasnatural.Youknowhowthekeeperandthepublicregardtheelephantinthemenagerie:well,thatistheidea.Theyarefullofadmirationofhisvastbulkandhisprodigiousstrength;
theyspeakwithprideofthefactthathecandoahundredmarvelswhicharefarandawaybeyondtheirownpowers;andtheyspeakwiththesameprideofthefactthatinhiswrathheisabletodriveathousandmenbeforehim.ButdoesthatmakehimoneofTHEM?No;theraggedesttrampinthepitwouldsmileattheidea.Hecouldn\'tcomprehendit;couldn\'ttakeitin;couldn\'tinanyremotewayconceiveofit.Well,totheking,thenobles,andallthenation,downtotheveryslavesandtramps,Iwasjustthatkindofanelephant,andnothingmore.Iwasadmired,alsofeared;
butitwasasananimalisadmiredandfeared.Theanimalisnotreverenced,neitherwasI;Iwasnotevenrespected.Ihadnopedigree,noinheritedtitle;sointheking\'sandnobles\'eyesIwasmeredirt;thepeopleregardedmewithwonderandawe,buttherewasnoreverencemixedwithit;throughtheforceofinheritedideastheywerenotabletoconceiveofanythingbeingentitledtothatexceptpedigreeandlordship.Thereyouseethehandofthatawfulpower,theRomanCatholicChurch.Intwoorthreelittlecenturiesithadconvertedanationofmentoanationofworms.BeforethedayoftheChurch\'ssupremacyintheworld,menweremen,andheldtheirheadsup,andhadaman\'sprideandspiritandindependence;andwhatofgreatnessandpositionapersongot,hegotmainlybyachievement,notbybirth.ButthentheChurchcametothefront,withanaxetogrind;
andshewaswise,subtle,andknewmorethanonewaytoskinacat——oranation;sheinvented\"divinerightofkings,\"andproppeditallaround,brickbybrick,withtheBeatitudes——wrenchingthemfromtheirgoodpurposetomakethemfortifyanevilone;shepreached(tothecommoner)humility,obediencetosuperiors,thebeautyofself-sacrifice;shepreached(tothecommoner)meeknessunderinsult;preached(stilltothecommoner,alwaystothecommoner)patience,meannessofspirit,non-resistanceunderoppression;
andsheintroducedheritableranksandaristocracies,andtaughtalltheChristianpopulationsoftheearthtobowdowntothemandworshipthem.
Evendowntomybirth-centurythatpoisonwasstillinthebloodofChristendom,andthebestofEnglishcommonerswasstillcontenttoseehisinferiorsimpudentlycontinuingtoholdanumberofpositions,suchaslordshipsandthethrone,towhichthegrotesquelawsofhiscountrydidnotallowhimtoaspire;infact,hewasnotmerelycontentedwiththisstrangeconditionofthings,hewasevenabletopersuadehimselfthathewasproudofit.
Itseemstoshowthatthereisn\'tanythingyoucan\'tstand,ifyouareonlybornandbredtoit.Ofcoursethattaint,thatreverenceforrankandtitle,hadbeeninourAmericanblood,too——Iknowthat;butwhenIleftAmericaithaddisappeared——atleasttoallintentsandpurposes.
Theremnantofitwasrestrictedtothedudesanddudesses.Whenadiseasehasworkeditswaydowntothatlevel,itmayfairlybesaidtobeoutofthesystem.
ButtoreturntomyanomalouspositioninKingArthur\'skingdom.HereIwas,agiantamongpigmies,amanamongchildren,amasterintelligenceamongintellectualmoles:byallrationalmeasurementtheoneandonlyactuallygreatmaninthatwholeBritishworld;andyetthereandthen,justasintheremoteEnglandofmybirth-time,thesheep-wittedearlwhocouldclaimlongdescentfromaking\'sleman,acquiredatsecond-handfromtheslumsofLondon,wasabettermanthanIwas.SuchapersonagewasfawneduponinArthur\'srealmandreverentlylookeduptobyeverybody,eventhoughhisdispositionswereasmeanashisintelligence,andhismoralsasbaseashislineage.ThereweretimeswhenHEcouldsitdownintheking\'spresence,butIcouldn\'t.Icouldhavegotatitleeasilyenough,andthatwouldhaveraisedmealargestepineverybody\'seyes;
evenintheking\'s,thegiverofit.ButIdidn\'taskforit;andIdeclineditwhenitwasoffered.Icouldn\'thaveenjoyedsuchathingwithmynotions;
anditwouldn\'thavebeenfair,anyway,becauseasfarbackasIcouldgo,ourtribehadalwaysbeenshortofthebarsinister.Icouldn\'thavefeltreallyandsatisfactorilyfineandproudandset-upoveranytitleexceptonethatshouldcomefromthenationitself,theonlylegitimatesource;andsuchanoneIhopedtowin;andinthecourseofyearsofhonestandhonorableendeavor,Ididwinitanddidwearitwithahighandcleanpride.Thistitlefellcasuallyfromthelipsofablacksmith,oneday,inavillage,wascaughtupasahappythoughtandtossedfrommouthtomouthwithalaughandanaffirmativevote;intendaysithadsweptthekingdom,andwasbecomeasfamiliarastheking\'sname.Iwasneverknownbyanyotherdesignationafterward,whetherinthenation\'stalkoringravedebateuponmattersofstateatthecouncil-boardofthesovereign.
Thistitle,translatedintomodernspeech,wouldbeTHEBOSS.Electedbythenation.Thatsuitedme.Anditwasaprettyhightitle.TherewereveryfewTHE\'S,andIwasoneofthem.Ifyouspokeoftheduke,ortheearl,orthebishop,howcouldanybodytellwhichoneyoumeant?ButifyouspokeofTheKingorTheQueenorTheBoss,itwasdifferent.
Well,Ilikedtheking,andaskingIrespectedhim——respectedtheoffice;atleastrespecteditasmuchasIwascapableofrespectinganyunearnedsupremacy;butasMENIlookeddownuponhimandhisnobles——
privately.Andheandtheylikedme,andrespectedmyoffice;butasananimal,withoutbirthorshamtitle,theylookeddownuponme——andwerenotparticularlyprivateaboutit,either.Ididn\'tchargeformyopinionaboutthem,andtheydidn\'tchargefortheiropinionaboutme:theaccountwassquare,thebooksbalanced,everybodywassatisfied.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter9Chapter9-TheTournamentTHEYwerealwayshavinggrandtournamentsthereatCamelot;andverystirringandpicturesqueandridiculoushumanbull-fightstheywere,too,butjustalittlewearisometothepracticalmind.However,Iwasgenerallyonhand——fortworeasons:amanmustnotholdhimselfalooffromthethingswhichhisfriendsandhiscommunityhaveatheartifhewouldbeliked——especiallyasastatesman;andbothasbusinessmanandstatesmanIwantedtostudythetournamentandseeifIcouldn\'tinventanimprovementonit.Thatremindsmetoremark,inpassing,thattheveryfirstofficialthingI
did,inmyadministration——anditwasontheveryfirstdayofit,too——wastostartapatentoffice;forIknewthatacountrywithoutapatentofficeandgoodpatentlawswasjustacrab,andcouldn\'ttravelanywaybutsidewaysorbackways.
Thingsranalong,atournamentnearlyeveryweek;andnowandthentheboysusedtowantmetotakeahand——ImeanSirLauncelotandtherest——butIsaidIwouldbyandby;nohurryyet,andtoomuchgovernmentmachinerytooilupandsettorightsandstarta-going.
Wehadonetournamentwhichwascontinuedfromdaytodayduringmorethanaweek,andasmanyasfivehundredknightstookpartinit,fromfirsttolast.Theywereweeksgathering.Theycameonhorsebackfromeverywhere;
fromtheveryendsofthecountry,andevenfrombeyondthesea;andmanybroughtladies,andallbroughtsquiresandtroopsofservants.Itwasamostgaudyandgorgeouscrowd,astocostumery,andverycharacteristicofthecountryandthetime,inthewayofhighanimalspirits,innocentindecenciesoflanguage,andhappy-heartedindifferencetomorals.Itwasfightorlookon,alldayandeveryday;andsing,gamble,dance,carousehalfthenighteverynight.Theyhadamostnoblegoodtime.Youneversawsuchpeople.Thosebanksofbeautifulladies,shiningintheirbarbaricsplendors,wouldseeaknightsprawlfromhishorseinthelistswithalanceshaftthethicknessofyouranklecleanthroughhimandthebloodspouting,andinsteadoffaintingtheywouldclaptheirhandsandcrowdeachotherforabetterview;onlysometimesonewoulddiveintoherhandkerchief,andlookostentatiouslybroken-hearted,andthenyoucouldlaytwotoonethattherewasascandaltheresomewhereandshewasafraidthepublichadn\'tfounditout.
Thenoiseatnightwouldhavebeenannoyingtomeordinarily,butI
didn\'tminditinthepresentcircumstances,becauseitkeptmefromhearingthequacksdetachinglegsandarmsfromtheday\'scripples.Theyruinedanuncommongoodoldcross-cutsawforme,andbrokethesaw-buck,too,butIletitpass.Andasformyaxe——well,ImadeupmymindthatthenexttimeIlentanaxetoasurgeonIwouldpickmycentury.
Inotonlywatchedthistournamentfromdaytoday,butdetailedanintelligentpriestfrommyDepartmentofPublicMoralsandAgriculture,andorderedhimtoreportit;foritwasmypurposebyandby,whenIshouldhavegottenthepeoplealongfarenough,tostartanewspaper.Thefirstthingyouwantinanewcountry,isapatentoffice;thenworkupyourschoolsystem;andafterthat,outwithyourpaper.Anewspaperhasitsfaults,andplentyofthem,butnomatter,it\'sharkfromthetombforadeadnation,anddon\'tyouforgetit.Youcan\'tresurrectadeadnationwithoutit;thereisn\'tanyway.SoIwantedtosamplethings,andbefindingoutwhatsortofreportermaterialImightbeabletoraketogetheroutofthesixthcenturywhenIshouldcometoneedit.
Well,thepriestdidverywell,considering.Hegotinallthedetails,andthatisagoodthinginalocalitem:yousee,hehadkeptbooksfortheundertakerdepartmentofhischurchwhenhewasyounger,andthere,youknow,themoney\'sinthedetails;themoredetails,themoreswag:
bearers,mutes,candles,prayers——everythingcounts;andifthebereaveddon\'tbuyprayersenoughyoumarkupyourcandleswithaforkedpencil,andyourbillshowsupallright.Andhehadagoodknackatgettinginthecomplimentarythinghereandthereaboutaknightthatwaslikelytoadvertise——no,Imeanaknightthathadinfluence;andhealsohadaneatgiftofexaggeration,forinhistimehehadkeptdoorforapioushermitwholivedinastyandworkedmiracles.
Ofcoursethisnovice\'sreportlackedwhoopandcrashandluriddescription,andthereforewantedthetruering;butitsantiquewordingwasquaintandsweetandsimple,andfullofthefragrancesandflavorsofthetime,andtheselittlemeritsmadeupinameasureforitsmoreimportantlacks.
Hereisanextractfromit:
ThenSirBriandelesIslesandGrummoreGrummorsum,knightsofthecastle,encounteredwithSirAglovaleandSirTor,andSirTorsmotedownSirGrummoreGrummorsumtotheearth.ThencameSirCaradosofthedoloroustower,andSirTurquine,knightsofthecastle,andthereencounteredwiththemSirPercivaledeGalisandSirLamorakdeGalis,thatweretwobrethren,andthereencounteredSirPercivalewithSirCarados,andeitherbraketheirspearsuntotheirhands,andthenSirTurquinewithSirLamorak,andeitherofthemsmotedownother,horseandall,totheearth,andeitherpartiesrescuedotherandhorsedthemagain.AndSirArnold,andSirGauter,knightsofthecastle,encounteredwithSirBrandilesandSirKay,andthesefourknightsencounteredmightily,andbraketheirspearstotheirhands.ThencameSirPertolopefromthecastle,andthereencounteredwithhimSirLionel,andthereSirPertolopethegreenknightsmotedownSirLionel,brothertoSirLauncelot.Allthiswasmarkedbynobleheralds,whobarehimbest,andtheirnames.ThenSirBleobarisbrakehisspearuponSirGareth,butofthatstrokeSirBleobarisfelltotheearth.WhenSirGalihodinsawthat,hebadSirGarethkeephim,andSirGarethsmotehimtotheearth.ThenSirGalihudgataspeartoavengehisbrother,andinthesamewiseSirGarethservedhim,andSirDinadanandhisbrotherLaCoteMaleTaile,andSirSagramoreleDisirous,andSirDodinasleSavage;
allthesehebaredownwithonespear.WhenKingAswisanceofIrelandsawSirGarethfaresohemarvelledwhathemightbe,thatonetimeseemedgreen,andanothertime,athisagaincoming,heseemedblue.Andthusateverycoursethatherodetoandfrohechangedhiscolor,sothattheremightneitherkingnorknighthavereadycognizanceofhim.ThenSirAgwisancetheKingofIrelandencounteredwithSirGareth,andthereSirGarethsmotehimfromhishorse,saddleandall.AndthencameKingCaradosofScotland,andSirGarethsmotehimdownhorseandman.AndinthesamewiseheservedKingUriensofthelandofGore.AndthentherecameinSixBagdemagus,andSirGarethsmotehimdownhorseandmantotheearth.AndBagdemagus\'ssonMeliganusbrakeaspearuponSirGarethmightilyandknightly.AndthenSirGalahaultthenobleprincecriedonhigh,Knightwiththemanycolors,wellhastthoujusted;nowmaketheereadythatImayjustwiththee.SirGarethheardhim,andhegatagreatspear,andsotheyencounteredtogether,andtheretheprincebrakehisspear;butSirGarethsmotehimupontheleftsideofthehelm,thathereeledhereandthere,andhehadfallendownhadnothismenrecoveredhim.Truly,saidKingArthur,thatknightwiththemanycolorsisagoodknight.WhereforethekingcalleduntohimSirLauncelot,andprayedhimtoencounterwiththatknight.Sir,saidLauncelot,Imayaswellfindinmyheartfortoforbearhimatthistime,forhehathhadtravailenoughthisday,andwhenagoodknightdothsowelluponsomeday,itisnogoodknight\'sparttolethimofhisworship,and,namely,whenheseethaknighthathdonesogreatlabour;forperadventure,saidSirLauncelot,hisquarrelisherethisday,andperadventureheisbestbelovedwiththisladyofallthatbehere,forIseewellhepainethhimselfandenforcethhimtodogreatdeeds,andtherefore,saidSirLauncelot,asforme,thisdayheshallhavethehonour;thoughitlayinmypowertoputhimfromit,Iwouldnot.
Therewasanunpleasantlittleepisodethatday,whichforreasonsofstateIstruckoutofmypriest\'sreport.YouwillhavenoticedthatGarrywasdoingsomegreatfightingintheengagement.WhenIsayGarryImeanSirGareth.Garrywasmyprivatepetnameforhim;itsuggeststhatIhadadeepaffectionforhim,andthatwasthecase.Butitwasaprivatepetnameonly,andneverspokenaloudtoanyone,muchlesstohim;beinganoble,hewouldnothaveenduredafamiliaritylikethatfromme.Well,toproceed:Isatintheprivateboxsetapartformeastheking\'sminister.
WhileSirDinadanwaswaitingforhisturntoenterthelists,hecameinthereandsatdownandbegantotalk;forhewasalwaysmakinguptome,becauseIwasastrangerandhelikedtohaveafreshmarketforhisjokes,themostofthemhavingreachedthatstageofwearwherethetellerhastodothelaughinghimselfwhiletheotherpersonlookssick.IhadalwaysrespondedtohiseffortsaswellasIcould,andfeltaverydeepandrealkindnessforhim,too,forthereasonthatifbymaliceoffateheknewtheoneparticularanecdotewhichIhadheardoftenestandhadmosthatedandmostloathedallmylife,hehadatleastspareditme.
ItwasonewhichIhadheardattributedtoeveryhumorouspersonwhohadeverstoodonAmericansoil,fromColumbusdowntoArtemusWard.Itwasaboutahumorouslecturerwhofloodedanignorantaudiencewiththekillingestjokesforanhourandnevergotalaugh;andthenwhenhewasleaving,somegraysimpletonswrunghimgratefullybythehandandsaidithadbeenthefunniestthingtheyhadeverheard,and\"itwasalltheycoulddotokeepfromlaughin\'rightoutinmeetin\'.\"Thatanecdoteneversawthedaythatitwasworththetelling;andyetIhadsatunderthetellingofithundredsandthousandsandmillionsandbillionsoftimes,andcriedandcursedallthewaythrough.Thenwhocanhopetoknowwhatmyfeelingswere,tohearthisarmorplatedassstartinonitagain,inthemurkytwilightoftradition,beforethedawnofhistory,whileevenLactantiusmightbereferredtoas\"thelateLactantius,\"andtheCrusadeswouldn\'tbebornforfivehundredyearsyet?Justashefinished,thecall-boycame;so,haw-hawinglikeademon,hewentrattlingandclankingoutlikeacrateofloosecastings,andIknewnothingmore.ItwassomeminutesbeforeIcameto,andthenIopenedmyeyesjustintimetoseeSirGarethfetchhimanawfulwelt,andIunconsciouslyoutwiththeprayer,\"Ihopetogracioushe\'skilled!\"Butbyill-luck,beforeIhadgothalfthroughwiththewords,SirGarethcrashedintoSirSagramorleDesirousandsenthimthunderingoverhishorse\'scrupper,andSirSagramorcaughtmyremarkandthoughtImeantitforHIM.
Well,wheneveroneofthosepeoplegotathingintohishead,therewasnogettingitoutagain.Iknewthat,soIsavedmybreath,andofferednoexplanations.AssoonasSirSagramorgotwell,henotifiedmethattherewasalittleaccounttosettlebetweenus,andhenamedadaythreeorfouryearsinthefuture;placeofsettlement,thelistswheretheoffensehadbeengiven.IsaidIwouldbereadywhenhegotback.Yousee,hewasgoingfortheHolyGrail.TheboysalltookaflierattheHolyGrailnowandthen.Itwasaseveralyears\'cruise.Theyalwaysputinthelongabsencesnoopingaround,inthemostconscientiousway,thoughnoneofthemhadanyideawheretheHolyGrailreallywas,andIdon\'tthinkanyofthemactuallyexpectedtofindit,orwouldhaveknownwhattodowithitifheHADrunacrossit.Yousee,itwasjusttheNorthwestPassageofthatday,asyoumaysay;thatwasall.Everyyearexpeditionswentoutholygrailing,andnextyearreliefexpeditionswentouttohuntforTHEM.Therewasworldsofreputationinit,butnomoney.Why,theyactuallywantedMEtoputin!Well,Ishouldsmile.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter10Chapter10-BeginningsofCivilizationTHERoundTablesoonheardofthechallenge,andofcourseitwasagooddealdiscussed,forsuchthingsinterestedtheboys.ThekingthoughtI
oughtnowtosetforthinquestofadventures,sothatImightgainrenownandbethemoreworthytomeetSirSagramorwhentheseveralyearsshouldhaverolledaway.Iexcusedmyselfforthepresent;Isaiditwouldtakemethreeorfouryearsyettogetthingswellfixedupandgoingsmoothly;
thenIshouldbeready;allthechanceswerethatattheendofthattimeSirSagramorwouldstillbeoutgrailing,sonovaluabletimewouldbelostbythepostponement;Ishouldthenhavebeeninofficesixorsevenyears,andIbelievedmysystemandmachinerywouldbesowelldevelopedthatIcouldtakeaholidaywithoutitsworkinganyharm.
IwasprettywellsatisfiedwithwhatIhadalreadyaccomplished.InvariousquietnooksandcornersIhadthebeginningsofallsortsofindustriesunderway——nucleioffuturevastfactories,theironandsteelmissionariesofmyfuturecivilization.IntheseweregatheredtogetherthebrightestyoungmindsIcouldfind,andIkeptagentsoutrakingthecountryformore,allthetime.Iwastrainingacrowdofignorantfolkintoexperts——expertsineverysortofhandiworkandscientificcalling.Thesenurseriesofminewentsmoothlyandprivatelyalongundisturbedintheirobscurecountryretreats,fornobodywasallowedtocomeintotheirprecinctswithoutaspecialpermit——forIwasafraidoftheChurch.
Ihadstartedateacher-factoryandalotofSundayschoolsthefirstthing;asaresult,Inowhadanadmirablesystemofgradedschoolsinfullblastinthoseplaces,andalsoacompletevarietyofProtestantcongregationsallinaprosperousandgrowingcondition.EverybodycouldbeanykindofaChristianhewantedto;therewasperfectfreedominthatmatter.
ButIconfinedpublicreligiousteachingtothechurchesandtheSunday-schools,permittingnothingofitinmyothereducationalbuildings.IcouldhavegivenmyownsectthepreferenceandmadeeverybodyaPresbyterianwithoutanytrouble,butthatwouldhavebeentoaffrontalawofhumannature:
spiritualwantsandinstinctsareasvariousinthehumanfamilyasarephysicalappetites,complexions,andfeatures,andamanisonlyathisbest,morally,whenheisequippedwiththereligiousgarmentwhosecolorandshapeandsizemostnicelyaccommodatethemselvestothespiritualcomplexion,angularities,andstatureoftheindividualwhowearsit;and,besides,IwasafraidofaunitedChurch;itmakesamightypower,themightiestconceivable,andthenwhenitbyandbygetsintoselfishhands,asitisalwaysboundtodo,itmeansdeathtohumanlibertyandparalysistohumanthought.
Allmineswereroyalproperty,andtherewereagoodmanyofthem.Theyhadformerlybeenworkedassavagesalwaysworkmines——holesgrubbedintheearthandthemineralbroughtupinsacksofhidebyhand,attherateofatonaday;butIhadbeguntoputtheminingonascientificbasisasearlyasIcould.
Yes,IhadmadeprettyhandsomeprogresswhenSirSagramor\'schallengestruckme.
Fouryearsrolledby——andthen!Well,youwouldneverimagineitintheworld.Unlimitedpoweristheidealthingwhenitisinsafehands.
Thedespotismofheavenistheoneabsolutelyperfectgovernment.Anearthlydespotismwouldbetheabsolutelyperfectearthlygovernment,iftheconditionswerethesame,namely,thedespottheperfectestindividualofthehumanrace,andhisleaseoflifeperpetual.Butasaperishableperfectmanmustdie,andleavehisdespotisminthehandsofanimperfectsuccessor,anearthlydespotismisnotmerelyabadformofgovernment,itistheworstformthatispossible.
Myworksshowedwhatadespotcoulddowiththeresourcesofakingdomathiscommand.Unsuspectedbythisdarkland,Ihadthecivilizationofthenineteenthcenturyboomingunderitsverynose!Itwasfencedawayfromthepublicview,butthereitwas,agiganticandunassailablefact——andtobeheardfrom,yet,ifIlivedandhadluck.Thereitwas,assureafactandassubstantialafactasanyserenevolcano,standinginnocentwithitssmokelesssummitintheblueskyandgivingnosignoftherisinghellinitsbowels.Myschoolsandchurcheswerechildrenfouryearsbefore;
theyweregrown-upnow;myshopsofthatdaywerevastfactoriesnow;whereIhadadozentrainedmenthen,Ihadathousandnow;whereIhadonebrilliantexpertthen,Ihadfiftynow.Istoodwithmyhandonthecock,sotospeak,readytoturnitonandfloodthemidnightworldwithlightatanymoment.
ButIwasnotgoingtodothethinginthatsuddenway.Itwasnotmypolicy.
Thepeoplecouldnothavestoodit;and,moreover,IshouldhavehadtheEstablishedRomanCatholicChurchonmybackinaminute.
No,Ihadbeengoingcautiouslyallthewhile.Ihadhadconfidentialagentstricklingthroughthecountrysometime,whoseofficewastoundermineknighthoodbyimperceptibledegrees,andtognawalittleatthisandthatandtheothersuperstition,andsopreparethewaygraduallyforabetterorderofthings.Iwasturningonmylightone-candle-poweratatime,andmeanttocontinuetodoso.
Ihadscatteredsomebranchschoolssecretlyaboutthekingdom,andtheyweredoingverywell.Imeanttoworkthisracketmoreandmore,astimeworeon,ifnothingoccurredtofrightenme.OneofmydeepestsecretswasmyWestPoint——mymilitaryacademy.Ikeptthatmostjealouslyoutofsight;andIdidthesamewithmynavalacademywhichIhadestablishedataremoteseaport.Bothwereprosperingtomysatisfaction.
Clarencewastwenty-twonow,andwasmyheadexecutive,myrighthand.
Hewasadarling;hewasequaltoanything;therewasn\'tanythinghecouldn\'tturnhishandto.OflateIhadbeentraininghimforjournalism,forthetimeseemedaboutrightforastartinthenewspaperline;nothingbig,butjustasmallweeklyforexperimentalcirculationinmycivilizationnurseries.Hetooktoitlikeaduck;therewasaneditorconcealedinhim,sure.Alreadyhehaddoubledhimselfinoneway;hetalkedsixthcenturyandwrotenineteenth.Hisjournalisticstylewasclimbing,steadily;itwasalreadyuptothebacksettlementAlabamamark,andcouldn\'tbetoldfromtheeditorialoutputofthatregioneitherbymatterorflavor.
Wehadanotherlargedepartureonhand,too.Thiswasatelegraphandatelephone;ourfirstventureinthisline.Thesewireswereforprivateserviceonly,asyet,andmustbekeptprivateuntilariperdayshouldcome.Wehadagangofmenontheroad,workingmainlybynight.Theywerestringinggroundwires;wewereafraidtoputuppoles,fortheywouldattracttoomuchinquiry.Groundwiresweregoodenough,inbothinstances,formywireswereprotectedbyaninsulationofmyowninventionwhichwasperfect.Mymenhadorderstostrikeacrosscountry,avoidingroads,andestablishingconnectionwithanyconsiderabletownswhoselightsbetrayedtheirpresence,andleavingexpertsincharge.Nobodycouldtellyouhowtofindanyplaceinthekingdom,fornobodyeverwentintentionallytoanyplace,butonlystruckitbyaccidentinhiswanderings,andthengenerallyleftitwithoutthinkingtoinquirewhatitsnamewas.Atonetimeandanotherwehadsentouttopographicalexpeditionstosurveyandmapthekingdom,butthepriestshadalwaysinterferedandraisedtrouble.Sowehadgiventhethingup,forthepresent;itwouldbepoorwisdomtoantagonizetheChurch.
Asforthegeneralconditionofthecountry,itwasasithadbeenwhenIarrivedinit,toallintentsandpurposes.Ihadmadechanges,buttheywerenecessarilyslight,andtheywerenotnoticeable.Thusfar,Ihadnotevenmeddledwithtaxation,outsideofthetaxeswhichprovidedtheroyalrevenues.Ihadsystematizedthose,andputtheserviceonaneffectiveandrighteousbasis.Asaresult,theserevenueswerealreadyquadrupled,andyettheburdenwassomuchmoreequablydistributedthanbefore,thatallthekingdomfeltasenseofrelief,andthepraisesofmyadministrationwereheartyandgeneral.
Personally,Istruckaninterruption,now,butIdidnotmindit,itcouldnothavehappenedatabettertime.Earlieritcouldhaveannoyedme,butnoweverythingwasingoodhandsandswimmingrightalong.Thekinghadremindedmeseveraltimes,oflate,thatthepostponementIhadaskedfor,fouryearsbefore,hadaboutrunoutnow.ItwasahintthatIoughttobestartingouttoseekadventuresandgetupareputationofasizetomakemeworthyofthehonorofbreakingalancewithSirSagramor,whowasstilloutgrailing,butwasbeinghuntedforbyvariousreliefexpeditions,andmightbefoundanyyear,now.SoyouseeIwasexpectingthisinterruption;itdidnottakemebysurprise.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter11Chapter11-TheYankeeinSearchofAdventuresTHEREneverwassuchacountryforwanderingliars;andtheywereofbothsexes.Hardlyamonthwentbywithoutoneofthesetrampsarriving;andgenerallyloadedwithataleaboutsomeprincessorotherwantinghelptogetheroutofsomefar-awaycastlewhereshewasheldincaptivitybyalawlessscoundrel,usuallyagiant.Nowyouwouldthinkthatthefirstthingthekingwoulddoafterlisteningtosuchanovelettefromanentirestranger,wouldbetoaskforcredentials——yes,andapointerortwoastolocalityofcastle,bestroutetoit,andsoon.Butnobodyeverthoughtofsosimpleandcommon-senseathingatthat.No,everybodyswallowedthesepeople\'slieswhole,andneveraskedaquestionofanysortoraboutanything.Well,onedaywhenIwasnotaround,oneofthesepeoplecamealong——itwasasheone,thistime——andtoldataleoftheusualpattern.
Hermistresswasacaptiveinavastandgloomycastle,alongwithforty-fourotheryoungandbeautifulgirls,prettymuchallofthemprincesses;theyhadbeenlanguishinginthatcruelcaptivityfortwenty-sixyears;themastersofthecastlewerethreestupendousbrothers,eachwithfourarmsandoneeye——theeyeinthecenteroftheforehead,andasbigasafruit.
Sortoffruitnotmentioned;theirusualslovenlinessinstatistics.
Wouldyoubelieveit?ThekingandthewholeRoundTablewereinrapturesoverthispreposterousopportunityforadventure.EveryknightoftheTablejumpedforthechance,andbeggedforit;buttotheirvexationandchagrinthekingconferredituponme,whohadnotaskedforitatall.
Byaneffort,IcontainedmyjoywhenClarencebroughtmethenews.
Buthe——hecouldnotcontainhis.Hismouthgusheddelightandgratitudeinasteadydischarge——delightinmygoodfortune,gratitudetothekingforthissplendidmarkofhisfavorforme.Hecouldkeepneitherhislegsnorhisbodystill,butpirouettedabouttheplaceinanairyecstasyofhappiness.
Onmyside,Icouldhavecursedthekindnessthatconferreduponmethisbenefaction,butIkeptmyvexationunderthesurfaceforpolicy\'ssake,anddidwhatIcouldtoletontobeglad.Indeed,ISAIDIwasglad.
Andinawayitwastrue;Iwasasgladasapersoniswhenheisscalped.
Well,onemustmakethebestofthings,andnotwastetimewithuselessfretting,butgetdowntobusinessandseewhatcanbedone.Inallliesthereiswheatamongthechaff;Imustgetatthewheatinthiscase:soIsentforthegirlandshecame.Shewasacomelyenoughcreature,andsoftandmodest,but,ifsignswentforanything,shedidn\'tknowasmuchasalady\'swatch.Isaid:
\"Mydear,haveyoubeenquestionedastoparticulars?\"
Shesaidshehadn\'t.
\"Well,Ididn\'texpectyouhad,butIthoughtIwouldask,tomakesure;
it\'sthewayI\'vebeenraised.Nowyoumustn\'ttakeitunkindlyifIremindyouthataswedon\'tknowyou,wemustgoalittleslow.Youmaybeallright,ofcourse,andwe\'llhopethatyouare;buttotakeitforgrantedisn\'tbusiness.YOUunderstandthat.I\'mobligedtoaskyouafewquestions;
justanswerupfairandsquare,anddon\'tbeafraid.Wheredoyoulive,whenyouareathome?\"
\"InthelandofModer,fairsir.\"
\"LandofModer.Idon\'trememberhearingofitbefore.Parentsliving?\"
\"Astothat,Iknownotiftheybeyetonlive,sithitismanyyearsthatIhavelainshutupinthecastle.\"
\"Yourname,please?\"
\"IhighttheDemoiselleAlisandelaCarteloise,anitpleaseyou.\"
\"Doyouknowanybodyherewhocanidentifyyou?\"
\"Thatwerenotlikely,fairlord,Ibeingcomehithernowforthefirsttime.\"
\"Haveyoubroughtanyletters——anydocuments——anyproofsthatyouaretrustworthyandtruthful?\"
\"Ofasurety,no;andwhereforeshouldI?HaveInotatongue,andcannotIsayallthatmyself?\"
\"ButYOURsayingit,youknow,andsomebodyelse\'ssayingit,isdifferent.\"
\"Different?Howmightthatbe?IfearmeIdonotunderstand.\"
\"Don\'tUNDERSTAND?Landof——why,yousee——yousee——why,greatScott,can\'tyouunderstandalittlethinglikethat?Can\'tyouunderstandthedifferencebetweenyour——WHYdoyoulooksoinnocentandidiotic!\"
