\"I?IntruthIknownot,butanitwerethewillofGod.\"
\"Yes,yes,Ireckonthat\'saboutthesizeofit.Don\'tmindmyseemingexcited;I\'mnot.Letuschangethesubject.Nowastothiscastle,withfortyfiveprincessesinit,andthreeogresattheheadofit,tellme——whereisthisharem?\"
\"Harem?\"
\"TheCASTLE,youunderstand;whereisthecastle?\"
\"Oh,astothat,itisgreat,andstrong,andwellbeseen,andliethinafarcountry.Yes,itismanyleagues.\"
\"HOWmany?\"
\"Ah,fairsir,itwerewoundilyhardtotell,theyaresomany,anddosolaptheoneupontheother,andbeingmadeallinthesameimageandtinctedwiththesamecolor,onemaynotknowtheoneleaguefromitsfellow,norhowtocountthemexcepttheybetakenapart,andyewitwellitwereGod\'sworktodothat,beingnotwithinman\'scapacity;foryewillnote——\"
\"Holdon,holdon,nevermindaboutthedistance;WHEREABOUTSdoesthecastlelie?What\'sthedirectionfromhere?\"
\"Ah,pleaseyousir,ithathnodirectionfromhere;byreasonthattheroadliethnotstraight,butturnethevermore;whereforethedirectionofitsplaceabidethnot,butissometimeundertheoneskyandanonunderanother,wheresoifyebemindedthatitisintheeast,andwendthitherward,yeshallobservethatthewayoftheroaddothyetagainturnuponitselfbythespaceofhalfacircle,andthismarvelhappingagainandyetagainandstillagain,itwillgrieveyouthatyouhadthoughtbyvanitiesofthemindtothwartandbringtonaughtthewillofHimthatgivethnotacastleadirectionfromaplaceexceptitpleasethHim,andifitpleaseHimnot,willtheratherthatevenallcastlesandalldirectionsthereuntovanishoutoftheearth,leavingtheplaceswhereintheytarrieddesolateandvacant,sowarningHiscreaturesthatwhereHewillHewill,andwhereHewillnotHe——\"
\"Oh,that\'sallright,that\'sallright,giveusarest;nevermindaboutthedirection,HANGthedirection——Ibegpardon,Ibegathousandpardons,Iamnotwellto-day;paynoattentionwhenIsoliloquize,itisanoldhabit,anold,badhabit,andhardtogetridofwhenone\'sdigestionisalldisorderedwitheatingfoodthatwasraisedforeverandeverbeforehewasborn;goodland!amancan\'tkeephisfunctionsregularonspringchickensthirteenhundredyearsold.Butcome——nevermindaboutthat;
let\'s——haveyougotsuchathingasamapofthatregionaboutyou?Nowagoodmap——\"
\"Isitperadventurethatmannerofthingwhichoflatetheunbelievershavebroughtfromoverthegreatseas,which,beingboiledinoil,andanonionandsaltaddedthereto,doth——\"
\"What,amap?Whatareyoutalkingabout?Don\'tyouknowwhatamapis?There,there,nevermind,don\'texplain,Ihateexplanations;theyfogathingupsothatyoucan\'ttellanythingaboutit.Runalong,dear;
good-day;showhertheway,Clarence.\"
Oh,well,itwasreasonablyplain,now,whythesedonkeysdidn\'tprospecttheseliarsfordetails.Itmaybethatthisgirlhadafactinhersomewhere,butIdon\'tbelieveyoucouldhavesluiceditoutwithahydraulic;norgotitwiththeearlierformsofblasting,even;itwasacasefordynamite.
Why,shewasaperfectass;andyetthekingandhisknightshadlistenedtoherasifshehadbeenaleafoutofthegospel.Itkindofsizesupthewholeparty.Andthinkofthesimplewaysofthiscourt:thiswanderingwenchhadn\'tanymoretroubletogetaccesstothekinginhispalacethanshewouldhavehadtogetintothepoorhouseinmydayandcountry.Infact,hewasgladtoseeher,gladtohearhertale;withthatadventureofherstooffer,shewasaswelcomeasacorpseistoacoroner.
JustasIwasending-upthesereflections,Clarencecameback.Iremarkeduponthebarrenresultofmyeffortswiththegirl;hadn\'tgotholdofasinglepointthatcouldhelpmetofindthecastle.Theyouthlookedalittlesurprised,orpuzzled,orsomething,andintimatedthathehadbeenwonderingtohimselfwhatIhadwantedtoaskthegirlallthosequestionsfor.
\"Why,greatguns,\"Isaid,\"don\'tIwanttofindthecastle?AndhowelsewouldIgoaboutit?\"
\"La,sweetyourworship,onemaylightlyanswerthat,Iween.Shewillgowiththee.Theyalwaysdo.Shewillridewiththee.\"
\"Ridewithme?Nonsense!\"
\"Butofatruthshewill.Shewillridewiththee.Thoushaltsee.\"
\"What?Shebrowsearoundthehillsandscourthewoodswithme——alone——andIasgoodasengagedtobemarried?Why,it\'sscandalous.Thinkhowitwouldlook.\"
My,thedearfacethatrosebeforeme!Theboywaseagertoknowallaboutthistendermatter.Isworehimtosecresyandthenwhisperedhername——\"PussFlanagan.\"Helookeddisappointed,andsaidhedidn\'trememberthecountess.Hownaturalitwasforthelittlecourtiertogiveherarank.Heaskedmewhereshelived.
\"InEastHar——\"Icametomyselfandstopped,alittleconfused;thenIsaid,\"Nevermind,now;I\'lltellyousometime.\"
Andmightheseeher?WouldIlethimseehersomeday?
Itwasbutalittlethingtopromise——thirteenhundredyearsorso——andhesoeager;soIsaidYes.ButIsighed;Icouldn\'thelpit.Andyettherewasnosenseinsighing,forshewasn\'tbornyet.Butthatisthewaywearemade:wedon\'treason,wherewefeel;wejustfeel.
Myexpeditionwasallthetalkthatdayandthatnight,andtheboyswereverygoodtome,andmademuchofme,andseemedtohaveforgottentheirvexationanddisappointment,andcometobeasanxiousformetohivethoseogresandsetthoseripeoldvirginslooseasifitwerethemselvesthathadthecontract.Well,theyWEREgoodchildren——butjustchildren,thatisall.Andtheygavemenoendofpointsabouthowtoscoutforgiants,andhowtoscoopthemin;andtheytoldmeallsortsofcharmsagainstenchantments,andgavemesalvesandotherrubbishtoputonmywounds.
ButitneveroccurredtooneofthemtoreflectthatifIwassuchawonderfulnecromancerasIwaspretendingtobe,Ioughtnottoneedsalvesorinstructions,orcharmsagainstenchantments,and,leastofall,armsandarmor,onaforayofanykind——evenagainstfire-spoutingdragons,anddevilshotfromperdition,letalonesuchpooradversariesastheseIwasafter,thesecommonplaceogresofthebacksettlements.
Iwastohaveanearlybreakfast,andstartatdawn,forthatwastheusualway;butIhadthedemon\'sowntimewithmyarmor,andthisdelayedmealittle.Itistroublesometogetinto,andthereissomuchdetail.
Firstyouwrapalayerortwoofblanketaroundyourbody,forasortofcushionandtokeepoffthecoldiron;thenyouputonyoursleevesandshirtofchainmail——thesearemadeofsmallsteellinkswoventogether,andtheyformafabricsoflexiblethatifyoutossyourshirtontothefloor,itslumpsintoapilelikeapeckofwetfish-net;itisveryheavyandisnearlytheuncomfortablestmaterialintheworldforanightshirt,yetplentyuseditforthat——taxcollectors,andreformers,andone-horsekingswithadefectivetitle,andthosesortsofpeople;thenyouputonyourshoes——flat-boatsroofedoverwithinterleavingbandsofsteel——
andscrewyourclumsyspursintotheheels.Nextyoubuckleyourgreavesonyourlegs,andyourcuissesonyourthighs;thencomeyourbackplateandyourbreastplate,andyoubegintofeelcrowded;thenyouhitchontothebreastplatethehalf-petticoatofbroadoverlappingbandsofsteelwhichhangsdowninfrontbutisscollopedoutbehindsoyoucansitdown,andisn\'tanyrealimprovementonaninvertedcoalscuttle,eitherforlooksorforwear,ortowipeyourhandson;nextyoubeltonyoursword;
thenyouputyourstove-pipejointsontoyourarms,yourirongauntletsontoyourhands,yourironrat-trapontoyourhead,witharagofsteelwebhitchedontoittohangoverthebackofyourneck——andthereyouare,snugasacandleinacandle-mould.Thisisnotimetodance.Well,amanthatispackedawaylikethatisanutthatisn\'tworththecracking,thereissolittleofthemeat,whenyougetdowntoit,bycomparisonwiththeshell.
Theboyshelpedme,orInevercouldhavegotin.Justaswefinished,SirBediverehappenedin,andIsawthataslikeasnotIhadn\'tchosenthemostconvenientoutfitforalongtrip.Howstatelyhelooked;andtallandbroadandgrand.Hehadonhisheadaconicalsteelcasquethatonlycamedowntohisears,andforvisorhadonlyanarrowsteelbarthatextendeddowntohisupperlipandprotectedhisnose;andalltherestofhim,fromnecktoheel,wasflexiblechainmail,trousersandall.Butprettymuchallofhimwashiddenunderhisoutsidegarment,whichofcoursewasofchainmail,asIsaid,andhungstraightfromhisshoulderstohisankles;andfromhismiddletothebottom,bothbeforeandbehind,wasdivided,sothathecouldrideandlettheskirtshangdownoneachside.
Hewasgoinggrailing,anditwasjusttheoutfitforit,too.Iwouldhavegivenagooddealforthatulster,butitwastoolatenowtobefoolingaround.Thesunwasjustup,thekingandthecourtwereallonhandtoseemeoffandwishmeluck;soitwouldn\'tbeetiquetteformetotarry.
Youdon\'tgetonyourhorseyourself;no,ifyoutriedityouwouldgetdisappointed.Theycarryyouout,justastheycarryasun-struckmantothedrugstore,andputyouon,andhelpgetyoutorights,andfixyourfeetinthestirrups;andallthewhileyoudofeelsostrangeandstuffyandlikesomebodyelse——likesomebodythathasbeenmarriedonasudden,orstruckbylightning,orsomethinglikethat,andhasn\'tquitefetchedaroundyet,andissortofnumb,andcan\'tjustgethisbearings.Thentheystoodupthemasttheycalledaspear,initssocketbymyleftfoot,andIgrippeditwithmyhand;lastlytheyhungmyshieldaroundmyneck,andIwasallcompleteandreadytoupanchorandgettosea.Everybodywasasgoodtomeastheycouldbe,andamaidofhonorgavemethestirrup-cupherownself.Therewasnothingmoretodonow,butforthatdamseltogetupbehindmeonapillion,whichshedid,andputanarmorsoaroundmetoholdon.
Andsowestarted,andeverybodygaveusagoodbyeandwavedtheirhandkerchiefsorhelmets.Andeverybodywemet,goingdownthehillandthroughthevillagewasrespectfultous,exceptsomeshabbylittleboysontheoutskirts.
Theysaid:
\"Oh,whataguy!\"Andhoveclodsatus.
Inmyexperienceboysarethesameinallages.Theydon\'trespectanything,theydon\'tcareforanythingoranybody.Theysay\"Goup,baldhead\"totheprophetgoinghisunoffendingwayinthegrayofantiquity;theysassmeintheholygloomoftheMiddleAges;andIhadseenthemactthesamewayinBuchanan\'sadministration;Iremember,becauseIwasthereandhelped.
Theprophethadhisbearsandsettledwithhisboys;andIwantedtogetdownandsettlewithmine,butitwouldn\'tanswer,becauseIcouldn\'thavegotupagain.Ihateacountrywithoutaderrick.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter12Chapter12-SlowTortureSTRAIGHToff,wewereinthecountry.Itwasmostlovelyandpleasantinthosesylvansolitudesintheearlycoolmorninginthefirstfreshnessofautumn.Fromhilltopswesawfairgreenvalleyslyingspreadoutbelow,withstreamswindingthroughthem,andislandgrovesoftreeshereandthere,andhugelonelyoaksscatteredaboutandcastingblackblotsofshade;andbeyondthevalleyswesawtherangesofhills,bluewithhaze,stretchingawayinbillowyperspectivetothehorizon,withatwideintervalsadimfleckofwhiteorgrayonawave-summit,whichweknewwasacastle.
Wecrossedbroadnaturallawnssparklingwithdew,andwemovedlikespirits,thecushionedturfgivingoutnosoundoffootfall;wedreamedalongthroughgladesinamistofgreenlightthatgotitstintfromthesun-drenchedroofofleavesoverhead,andbyourfeettheclearestandcoldestofrunletswentfriskingandgossipingoveritsreefsandmakingasortofwhisperingmusic,comfortabletohear;andattimeswelefttheworldbehindandenteredintothesolemngreatdeepsandrichgloomoftheforest,wherefurtivewildthingswhiskedandscurriedbyandweregonebeforeyoucouldevengetyoureyeontheplacewherethenoisewas;andwhereonlytheearliestbirdswereturningoutandgettingtobusinesswithasonghereandaquarrelyonderandamysteriousfaroffhammeringanddrummingforwormsonatreetrunkawaysomewhereintheimpenetrableremotenessesofthewoods.Andbyandbyoutwewouldswingagainintotheglare.
Aboutthethirdorfourthorfifthtimethatweswungoutintotheglare——itwasalongtheresomewhere,acoupleofhoursorsoaftersun-up——
itwasn\'taspleasantasithadbeen.Itwasbeginningtogethot.Thiswasquitenoticeable.Wehadaverylongpull,afterthat,withoutanyshade.Nowitiscurioushowprogressivelylittlefretsgrowandmultiplyaftertheyoncegetastart.ThingswhichIdidn\'tmindatall,atfirst,Ibegantomindnow——andmoreandmore,too,allthetime.ThefirsttenorfifteentimesIwantedmyhandkerchiefIdidn\'tseemtocare;I
gotalong,andsaidnevermind,itisn\'tanymatter,anddroppeditoutofmymind.Butnowitwasdifferent;Iwanteditallthetime;itwasnag,nag,nag,rightalong,andnorest;Icouldn\'tgetitoutofmymind;
andsoatlastIlostmytemperandsaidhangamanthatwouldmakeasuitofarmorwithoutanypocketsinit.YouseeIhadmyhandkerchiefinmyhelmet;andsomeotherthings;butitwasthatkindofahelmetthatyoucan\'ttakeoffbyyourself.Thathadn\'toccurredtomewhenIputitthere;
andinfactIdidn\'tknowit.Isupposeditwouldbeparticularlyconvenientthere.Andsonow,thethoughtofitsbeingthere,sohandyandcloseby,andyetnotget-at-able,madeitalltheworseandthehardertobear.
Yes,thethingthatyoucan\'tgetisthethingthatyouwant,mainly;everyonehasnoticedthat.Well,ittookmymindofffromeverythingelse;tookitclearoff,andcentereditinmyhelmet;andmileaftermile,thereitstayed,imaginingthehandkerchief,picturingthehandkerchief;anditwasbitterandaggravatingtohavethesaltsweatkeeptricklingdownintomyeyes,andIcouldn\'tgetatit.Itseemslikealittlething,onpaper,butitwasnotalittlethingatall;itwasthemostrealkindofmisery.Iwouldnotsayitifitwasnotso.ImadeupmymindthatIwouldcarryalongareticulenexttime,letitlookhowitmight,andpeoplesaywhattheywould.OfcoursetheseirondudesoftheRoundTablewouldthinkitwasscandalous,andmayberaiseSheolaboutit,butasforme,givemecomfortfirst,andstyleafterwards.Sowejoggedalong,andnowandthenwestruckastretchofdust,anditwouldtumbleupincloudsandgetintomynoseandmakemesneezeandcry;andofcourseIsaidthingsIoughtn\'ttohavesaid,Idon\'tdenythat.Iamnotbetterthanothers.
Wecouldn\'tseemtomeetanybodyinthislonesomeBritain,notevenanogre;and,inthemoodIwasinthen,itwaswellfortheogre;thatis,anogrewithahandkerchief.Mostknightswouldhavethoughtofnothingbutgettinghisarmor;butsoIgothisbandanna,hecouldkeephishardware,forallofme.
Meantime,itwasgettinghotterandhotterinthere.Yousee,thesunwasbeatingdownandwarminguptheironmoreandmoreallthetime.Well,whenyouarehot,thatway,everylittlethingirritatesyou.WhenItrotted,Irattledlikeacrateofdishes,andthatannoyedme;andmoreoverIcouldn\'tseemtostandthatshieldslattingandbanging,nowaboutmybreast,nowaroundmyback;andifIdroppedintoawalkmyjointscreakedandscreechedinthatwearisomewaythatawheelbarrowdoes,andaswedidn\'tcreateanybreezeatthatgait,Iwasliketogetfriedinthatstove;andbesides,thequieteryouwenttheheaviertheironsettleddownonyouandthemoreandmoretonsyouseemedtoweigheveryminute.Andyouhadtobealwayschanginghands,andpassingyourspearovertotheotherfoot,itgotsoirksomeforonehandtoholditlongatatime.
Well,youknow,whenyouperspirethatway,inrivers,therecomesatimewhenyou——whenyou——well,whenyouitch.Youareinside,yourhandsareoutside;sothereyouare;nothingbutironbetween.Itisnotalightthing,letitsoundasitmay.Firstitisoneplace;thenanother;
thensomemore;anditgoesonspreadingandspreading,andatlasttheterritoryisalloccupied,andnobodycanimaginewhatyoufeellike,norhowunpleasantitis.Andwhenithadgottotheworst,anditseemedtomethatIcouldnotstandanythingmore,aflygotinthroughthebarsandsettledonmynose,andthebarswerestuckandwouldn\'twork,andIcouldn\'tgetthevisorup;andIcouldonlyshakemyhead,whichwasbakinghotbythistime,andthefly——well,youknowhowaflyactswhenhehasgotacertainty——heonlymindedtheshakingenoughtochangefromnosetolip,andliptoear,andbuzzandbuzzallaroundinthere,andkeeponlightingandbiting,inawaythataperson,alreadysodistressedasIwas,simplycouldnotstand.SoIgavein,andgotAlisandetounshipthehelmetandrelievemeofit.Thensheemptiedtheconveniencesoutofitandfetcheditfullofwater,andIdrankandthenstoodup,andshepouredtherestdowninsidethearmor.Onecannotthinkhowrefreshingitwas.ShecontinuedtofetchandpouruntilIwaswellsoakedandthoroughlycomfortable.
Itwasgoodtohavearest——andpeace.Butnothingisquiteperfectinthislife,atanytime.Ihadmadeapipeawhileback,andalsosomeprettyfairtobacco;nottherealthing,butwhatsomeoftheIndiansuse:
theinsidebarkofthewillow,dried.Thesecomfortshadbeeninthehelmet,andnowIhadthemagain,butnomatches.
Gradually,asthetimeworealong,oneannoyingfactwasborneinuponmyunderstanding——thatwewereweather-bound.Anarmednovicecannotmounthishorsewithouthelpandplentyofit.Sandywasnotenough;notenoughforme,anyway.Wehadtowaituntilsomebodyshouldcomealong.
Waiting,insilence,wouldhavebeenagreeableenough,forIwasfullofmatterforreflection,andwantedtogiveitachancetowork.Iwantedtotryandthinkouthowitwasthatrationalorevenhalf-rationalmencouldeverhavelearnedtoweararmor,consideringitsinconveniences;
andhowtheyhadmanagedtokeepupsuchafashionforgenerationswhenitwasplainthatwhatIhadsufferedto-daytheyhadhadtosufferallthedaysoftheirlives.Iwantedtothinkthatout;andmoreoverIwantedtothinkoutsomewaytoreformthisevilandpersuadethepeopletoletthefoolishfashiondieout;butthinkingwasoutofthequestioninthecircumstances.Youcouldn\'tthink,whereSandywas.
Shewasaquitebiddablecreatureandgood-hearted,butshehadaflowoftalkthatwasassteadyasamill,andmadeyourheadsorelikethedraysandwagonsinacity.Ifshehadhadacorkshewouldhavebeenacomfort.Butyoucan\'tcorkthatkind;theywoulddie.Herclackwasgoingallday,andyouwouldthinksomethingwouldsurelyhappentoherworks,byandby;butno,theynevergotoutoforder;andsheneverhadtoslackupforwords.Shecouldgrind,andpump,andchurn,andbuzzbytheweek,andneverstoptooiluporblowout.Andyettheresultwasjustnothingbutwind.Sheneverhadanyideas,anymorethanafoghas.Shewasaperfectblatherskite;Imeanforjaw,jaw,jaw,talk,talk,talk,jabber,jabber,jabber;butjustasgoodasshecouldbe.Ihadn\'tmindedhermillthatmorning,onaccountofhavingthathornets\'nestofothertroubles;butmorethanonceintheafternoonIhadtosay:
\"Takearest,child;thewayyouareusingupallthedomesticair,thekingdomwillhavetogotoimportingitbyto-morrow,andit\'salowenoughtreasurywithoutthat.\"
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter13Chapter13-FreemenYES,itisstrangehowlittleawhileatatimeapersoncanbecontented.
Onlyalittlewhileback,whenIwasridingandsuffering,whataheaventhispeace,thisrest,thissweetserenityinthissecludedshadynookbythispurlingstreamwouldhaveseemed,whereIcouldkeepperfectlycomfortableallthetimebypouringadipperofwaterintomyarmornowandthen;yetalreadyIwasgettingdissatisfied;partlybecauseIcouldnotlightmypipe——for,althoughIhadlongagostartedamatchfactory,Ihadforgottentobringmatcheswithme——andpartlybecausewehadnothingtoeat.Herewasanotherillustrationofthechildlikeimprovidenceofthisageandpeople.Amaninarmoralwaystrustedtochanceforhisfoodonajourney,andwouldhavebeenscandalizedattheideaofhangingabasketofsandwichesonhisspear.TherewasprobablynotaknightofalltheRoundTablecombinationwhowouldnotratherhavediedthanbeencaughtcarryingsuchathingasthatonhisflagstaff.Andyettherecouldnotbeanythingmoresensible.Ithadbeenmyintentiontosmuggleacoupleofsandwichesintomyhelmet,butIwasinterruptedintheact,andhadtomakeanexcuseandlaythemaside,andadoggotthem.
Nightapproached,andwithitastorm.Thedarknesscameonfast.Wemustcamp,ofcourse.Ifoundagoodshelterforthedemoiselleunderarock,andwentoffandfoundanotherformyself.ButIwasobligedtoremaininmyarmor,becauseIcouldnotgetitoffbymyselfandyetcouldnotallowAlisandetohelp,becauseitwouldhaveseemedsolikeundressingbeforefolk.Itwouldnothaveamountedtothatinreality,becauseIhadclothesonunderneath;buttheprejudicesofone\'sbreedingarenotgottenridofjustatajump,andIknewthatwhenitcametostrippingoffthatbob-tailedironpetticoatIshouldbeembarrassed.
Withthestormcameachangeofweather;andthestrongerthewindblew,andthewildertherainlashedaround,thecolderandcolderitgot.Prettysoon,variouskindsofbugsandantsandwormsandthingsbegantoflockinoutofthewetandcrawldowninsidemyarmortogetwarm;andwhilesomeofthembehavedwellenough,andsnuggledupamongstmyclothesandgotquiet,themajoritywereofarestless,uncomfortablesort,andneverstayedstill,butwentonprowlingandhuntingfortheydidnotknowwhat;
especiallytheants,whichwentticklingalonginwearisomeprocessionfromoneendofmetotheotherbythehour,andareakindofcreatureswhichIneverwishtosleepwithagain.Itwouldbemyadvicetopersonssituatedinthisway,tonotrollorthrasharound,becausethisexcitestheinterestofallthedifferentsortsofanimalsandmakeseverylastoneofthemwanttoturnoutandseewhatisgoingon,andthismakesthingsworsethantheywerebefore,andofcoursemakesyouobjurgateharder,too,ifyoucan.Still,ifonedidnotrollandthrasharoundhewoulddie;soperhapsitisaswelltodoonewayastheother;thereisnorealchoice.EvenafterIwasfrozensolidIcouldstilldistinguishthattickling,justasacorpsedoeswhenheistakingelectrictreatment.IsaidIwouldneverweararmorafterthistrip.
AllthosetryinghourswhilstIwasfrozenandyetwasinalivingfire,asyoumaysay,onaccountofthatswarmofcrawlers,thatsameunanswerablequestionkeptcirclingandcirclingthroughmytiredhead:Howdopeoplestandthismiserablearmor?Howhavetheymanagedtostanditallthesegenerations?Howcantheysleepatnightfordreadingthetorturesofnextday?
Whenthemorningcameatlast,Iwasinabadenoughplight:seedy,drowsy,fagged,fromwantofsleep;wearyfromthrashingaround,famishedfromlongfasting;piningforabath,andtogetridoftheanimals;andcrippledwithrheumatism.Andhowhaditfaredwiththenoblyborn,thetitledaristocrat,theDemoiselleAlisandelaCarteloise?Why,shewasasfreshasasquirrel;shehadsleptlikethedead;andasforabath,probablyneithershenoranyothernobleinthelandhadeverhadone,andsoshewasnotmissingit.Measuredbymodernstandards,theyweremerelymodifiedsavages,thosepeople.Thisnobleladyshowednoimpatiencetogettobreakfast——andthatsmacksofthesavage,too.OntheirjourneysthoseBritonswereusedtolongfasts,andknewhowtobearthem;andalsohowtofreightupagainstprobablefastsbeforestarting,afterthestyleoftheIndianandtheanaconda.Aslikeasnot,Sandywasloadedforathree-daystretch.
Wewereoffbeforesunrise,SandyridingandIlimpingalongbehind.
Inhalfanhourwecameuponagroupofraggedpoorcreatureswhohadassembledtomendthethingwhichwasregardedasaroad.Theywereashumbleasanimalstome;andwhenIproposedtobreakfastwiththem,theyweresoflattered,sooverwhelmedbythisextraordinarycondescensionofminethatatfirsttheywerenotabletobelievethatIwasinearnest.Myladyputupherscornfullipandwithdrewtooneside;shesaidintheirhearingthatshewouldassoonthinkofeatingwiththeothercattle——aremarkwhichembarrassedthesepoordevilsmerelybecauseitreferredtothem,andnotbecauseitinsultedoroffendedthem,foritdidn\'t.Andyettheywerenotslaves,notchattels.Byasarcasmoflawandphrasetheywerefreemen.Seven-tenthsofthefreepopulationofthecountrywereofjusttheirclassanddegree:small\"independent\"farmers,artisans,etc.;whichistosay,theywerethenation,theactualNation;theywereaboutallofitthatwasuseful,orworthsaving,orreallyrespect-worthy,andtosubtractthemwouldhavebeentosubtracttheNationandleavebehindsomedregs,somerefuse,intheshapeofaking,nobilityandgentry,idle,unproductive,acquaintedmainlywiththeartsofwastinganddestroying,andofnosortofuseorvalueinanyrationallyconstructedworld.Andyet,byingeniouscontrivance,thisgildedminority,insteadofbeinginthetailoftheprocessionwhereitbelonged,wasmarchingheadupandbannersflying,attheotherendofit;hadelecteditselftobetheNation,andtheseinnumerableclamshadpermitteditsolongthattheyhadcomeatlasttoacceptitasatruth;andnotonlythat,buttobelieveitrightandasitshouldbe.ThepriestshadtoldtheirfathersandthemselvesthatthisironicalstateofthingswasordainedofGod;andso,notreflectinguponhowunlikeGoditwouldbetoamusehimselfwithsarcasms,andespeciallysuchpoortransparentonesasthis,theyhaddroppedthematterthereandbecomerespectfullyquiet.
ThetalkofthesemeekpeoplehadastrangeenoughsoundinaformerlyAmericanear.Theywerefreemen,buttheycouldnotleavetheestatesoftheirlordortheirbishopwithouthispermission;theycouldnotpreparetheirownbread,butmusthavetheircorngroundandtheirbreadbakedathismillandhisbakery,andpayroundlyforthesame;theycouldnotsellapieceoftheirownpropertywithoutpayinghimahandsomepercentageoftheproceeds,norbuyapieceofsomebodyelse\'swithoutrememberinghimincashfortheprivilege;theyhadtoharvesthisgrainforhimgratis,andbereadytocomeatamoment\'snotice,leavingtheirowncroptodestructionbythethreatenedstorm;theyhadtolethimplantfruittreesintheirfields,andthenkeeptheirindignationtothemselveswhenhisheedlessfruit-gathererstrampledthegrainaroundthetrees;theyhadtosmothertheirangerwhenhishuntingpartiesgallopedthroughtheirfieldslayingwastetheresultoftheirpatienttoil;theywerenotallowedtokeepdovesthemselves,andwhentheswarmsfrommylord\'sdovecotesettledontheircropstheymustnotlosetheirtemperandkillabird,forawfulwouldthepenaltybe;whentheharvestwasatlastgathered,thencametheprocessionofrobberstolevytheirblackmailuponit:firsttheChurchcartedoffitsfattenth,thentheking\'scommissionertookhistwentieth,thenmylord\'speoplemadeamightyinroadupontheremainder;afterwhich,theskinnedfreemanhadlibertytobestowtheremnantinhisbarn,incaseitwasworththetrouble;thereweretaxes,andtaxes,andtaxes,andmoretaxes,andtaxesagain,andyetothertaxes——uponthisfreeandindependentpauper,butnoneuponhislordthebaronorthebishop,noneuponthewastefulnobilityortheall-devouringChurch;ifthebaronwouldsleepunvexed,thefreemanmustsitupallnightafterhisday\'sworkandwhipthepondstokeepthefrogsquiet;ifthefreeman\'sdaughter——butno,thatlastinfamyofmonarchicalgovernmentisunprintable;andfinally,ifthefreeman,growndesperatewithhistortures,foundhislifeunendurableundersuchconditions,andsacrificeditandfledtodeathformercyandrefuge,thegentleChurchcondemnedhimtoeternalfire,thegentlelawburiedhimatmidnightatthecross-roadswithastakethroughhisback,andhismasterthebaronorthebishopconfiscatedallhispropertyandturnedhiswidowandhisorphansoutofdoors.
Andherewerethesefreemenassembledintheearlymorningtoworkontheirlordthebishop\'sroadthreedayseach——gratis;everyheadofafamily,andeverysonofafamily,threedayseach,gratis,andadayorsoaddedfortheirservants.Why,itwaslikereadingaboutFranceandtheFrench,beforetheevermemorableandblessedRevolution,whichsweptathousandyearsofsuchvillanyawayinoneswifttidal-waveofblood——one:asettlementofthathoarydebtintheproportionofhalfadropofbloodforeachhogsheadofitthathadbeenpressedbyslowtorturesoutofthatpeopleinthewearystretchoftencenturiesofwrongandshameandmiserythelikeofwhichwasnottobematedbutinhell.Thereweretwo\"ReignsofTerror,\"ifwewouldbutrememberitandconsiderit;theonewroughtmurderinhotpassion,theotherinheartlesscoldblood;theonelastedmeremonths,theotherhadlastedathousandyears;theoneinflicteddeathupontenthousandpersons,theotheruponahundredmillions;
butourshuddersareallforthe\"horrors\"oftheminorTerror,themomentaryTerror,sotospeak;whereas,whatisthehorrorofswiftdeathbytheaxe,comparedwithlifelongdeathfromhunger,cold,insult,cruelty,andheart-break?Whatisswiftdeathbylightningcomparedwithdeathbyslowfireatthestake?AcitycemeterycouldcontainthecoffinsfilledbythatbriefTerrorwhichwehaveallbeensodiligentlytaughttoshiveratandmournover;butallFrancecouldhardlycontainthecoffinsfilledbythatolderandrealTerror——thatunspeakablybitterandawfulTerrorwhichnoneofushasbeentaughttoseeinitsvastnessorpityasitdeserves.
Thesepoorostensiblefreemenwhoweresharingtheirbreakfastandtheirtalkwithme,wereasfullofhumblereverencefortheirkingandChurchandnobilityastheirworstenemycoulddesire.Therewassomethingpitifullyludicrousaboutit.Iaskedthemiftheysupposedanationofpeopleeverexisted,who,withafreevoteineveryman\'shand,wouldelectthatasinglefamilyanditsdescendantsshouldreignoveritforever,whethergiftedorboobies,totheexclusionofallotherfamilies——includingthevoter\'s;andwouldalsoelectthatacertainhundredfamiliesshouldberaisedtodizzysummitsofrank,andclothedonwithoffensivetransmissiblegloriesandprivilegestotheexclusionoftherestofthenation\'sfamilies——INCLUDINGHISOWN.
Theyalllookedunhit,andsaidtheydidn\'tknow;thattheyhadneverthoughtaboutitbefore,andithadn\'teveroccurredtothemthatanationcouldbesosituatedthateverymanCOULDhaveasayinthegovernment.
IsaidIhadseenone——andthatitwouldlastuntilithadanEstablishedChurch.Againtheywereallunhit——atfirst.Butpresentlyonemanlookedupandaskedmetostatethatpropositionagain;andstateitslowly,soitcouldsoakintohisunderstanding.Ididit;andafteralittlehehadtheidea,andhebroughthisfistdownandsaidHEdidn\'tbelieveanationwhereeverymanhadavotewouldvoluntarilygetdowninthemudanddirtinanysuchway;andthattostealfromanationitswillandpreferencemustbeacrimeandthefirstofallcrimes.Isaidtomyself:
\"Thisone\'saman.IfIwerebackedbyenoughofhissort,Iwouldmakeastrikeforthewelfareofthiscountry,andtrytoprovemyselfitsloyalestcitizenbymakingawholesomechangeinitssystemofgovernment.\"
Youseemykindofloyaltywasloyaltytoone\'scountry,nottoitsinstitutionsoritsoffice-holders.Thecountryistherealthing,thesubstantialthing,theeternalthing;itisthethingtowatchover,andcarefor,andbeloyalto;institutionsareextraneous,theyareitsmereclothing,andclothingcanwearout,becomeragged,ceasetobecomfortable,ceasetoprotectthebodyfromwinter,disease,anddeath.Tobeloyaltorags,toshoutforrags,toworshiprags,todieforrags——thatisaloyaltyofunreason,itispureanimal;itbelongstomonarchy,wasinventedbymonarchy;letmonarchykeepit.IwasfromConnecticut,whoseConstitutiondeclares\"thatallpoliticalpowerisinherentinthepeople,andallfreegovernmentsarefoundedontheirauthorityandinstitutedfortheirbenefit;
andthattheyhaveATALLTIMESanundeniableandindefeasiblerighttoALTERTHEIRFORMOFGOVERNMENTinsuchamannerastheymaythinkexpedient.\"
Underthatgospel,thecitizenwhothinksheseesthatthecommonwealth\'spoliticalclothesarewornout,andyetholdshispeaceanddoesnotagitateforanewsuit,isdisloyal;heisatraitor.Thathemaybetheonlyonewhothinksheseesthisdecay,doesnotexcusehim;itishisdutytoagitateanyway,anditisthedutyoftheotherstovotehimdowniftheydonotseethematterashedoes.
AndnowhereIwas,inacountrywherearighttosayhowthecountryshouldbegovernedwasrestrictedtosixpersonsineachthousandofitspopulation.Fortheninehundredandninety-fourtoexpressdissatisfactionwiththeregnantsystemandproposetochangeit,wouldhavemadethewholesixshudderasoneman,itwouldhavebeensodisloyal,sodishonorable,suchputridblacktreason.Sotospeak,Iwasbecomeastockholderinacorporationwhereninehundredandninety-fourofthemembersfurnishedallthemoneyanddidallthework,andtheothersixelectedthemselvesapermanentboardofdirectionandtookallthedividends.Itseemedtomethatwhattheninehundredandninety-fourdupesneededwasanewdeal.
ThethingthatwouldhavebestsuitedthecircussideofmynaturewouldhavebeentoresigntheBoss-shipandgetupaninsurrectionandturnitintoarevolution;butIknewthattheJackCadeortheWatTylerwhotriessuchathingwithoutfirsteducatinghismaterialsuptorevolutiongradeisalmostabsolutelycertaintogetleft.Ihadneverbeenaccustomedtogettingleft,evenifIdosayitmyself.Wherefore,the\"deal\"whichhadbeenforsometimeworkingintoshapeinmymindwasofaquitedifferentpatternfromtheCade-Tylersort.
SoIdidnottalkbloodandinsurrectiontothatmantherewhosatmunchingblackbreadwiththatabusedandmistaughtherdofhumansheep,buttookhimasideandtalkedmatterofanothersorttohim.AfterIhadfinished,Igothimtolendmealittleinkfromhisveins;andwiththisandasliverIwroteonapieceofbark——
PuthimintheMan-factory——
andgaveittohim,andsaid:
\"TakeittothepalaceatCamelotandgiveitintothehandsofAmyaslePoulet,whomIcallClarence,andhewillunderstand.\"
\"Heisapriest,then,\"saidtheman,andsomeoftheenthusiasmwentoutofhisface.
\"How——apriest?Didn\'tItellyouthatnochatteloftheChurch,nobond-slaveofpopeorbishopcanentermyMan-Factory?Didn\'tItellyouthatYOUcouldn\'tenterunlessyourreligion,whateveritmightbe,wasyourownfreeproperty?\"
\"Marry,itisso,andforthatIwasglad;whereforeitlikedmenot,andbredinmeacolddoubt,tohearofthispriestbeingthere.\"
\"Butheisn\'tapriest,Itellyou.\"
Themanlookedfarfromsatisfied.Hesaid:
\"Heisnotapriest,andyetcanread?\"
\"Heisnotapriestandyetcanread——yes,andwrite,too,forthatmatter.Itaughthimmyself.\"Theman\'sfacecleared.\"AnditisthefirstthingthatyouyourselfwillbetaughtinthatFactory——\"
\"I?Iwouldgivebloodoutofmyhearttoknowthatart.Why,Iwillbeyourslave,your——\"
\"Noyouwon\'t,youwon\'tbeanybody\'sslave.Takeyourfamilyandgoalong.Yourlordthebishopwillconfiscateyoursmallproperty,butnomatter.Clarencewillfixyouallright.\"
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter14Chapter14-\"DefendThee,Lord\"IPAIDthreepenniesformybreakfast,andamostextravagantpriceitwas,too,seeingthatonecouldhavebreakfastedadozenpersonsforthatmoney;butIwasfeelinggoodbythistime,andIhadalwaysbeenakindofspendthriftanyway;andthenthesepeoplehadwantedtogivemethefoodfornothing,scantastheirprovisionwas,andsoitwasagratefulpleasuretoemphasizemyappreciationandsincerethankfulnesswithagoodbigfinancialliftwherethemoneywoulddosomuchmoregoodthanitwouldinmyhelmet,where,thesepenniesbeingmadeofironandnotstintedinweight,myhalf-dollar\'sworthwasagooddealofaburdentome.Ispentmoneyrathertoofreelyinthosedays,itistrue;butonereasonforitwasthatIhadn\'tgottheproportionsofthingsentirelyadjusted,evenyet,aftersolongasojourninBritain——hadn\'tgotalongtowhereI
wasabletoabsolutelyrealizethatapennyinArthur\'slandandacoupleofdollarsinConnecticutwereaboutoneandthesamething:justtwins,asyoumaysay,inpurchasingpower.IfmystartfromCamelotcouldhavebeendelayedaveryfewdaysIcouldhavepaidthesepeopleinbeautifulnewcoinsfromourownmint,andthatwouldhavepleasedme;andthem,too,notless.IhadadoptedtheAmericanvaluesexclusively.Inaweekortwonow,cents,nickels,dimes,quarters,andhalf-dollars,andalsoatrifleofgold,wouldbetricklinginthinbutsteadystreamsallthroughthecommercialveinsofthekingdom,andIlookedtoseethisnewbloodfreshenupitslife.
Thefarmerswereboundtothrowinsomething,tosortofoffsetmyliberality,whetherIwouldorno;soIletthemgivemeaflintandsteel;andassoonastheyhadcomfortablybestowedSandyandmeonourhorse,Ilitmypipe.Whenthefirstblastofsmokeshotoutthroughthebarsofmyhelmet,allthosepeoplebrokeforthewoods,andSandywentoverbackwardsandstruckthegroundwithadullthud.TheythoughtIwasoneofthosefire-belchingdragonstheyhadheardsomuchaboutfromknightsandotherprofessionalliars.Ihadinfinitetroubletopersuadethosepeopletoventurebackwithinexplainingdistance.ThenItoldthemthatthiswasonlyabitofenchantmentwhichwouldworkharmtononebutmyenemies.
AndIpromised,withmyhandonmyheart,thatifallwhofeltnoenmitytowardmewouldcomeforwardandpassbeforemetheyshouldseethatonlythosewhoremainedbehindwouldbestruckdead.Theprocessionmovedwithagooddealofpromptness.Therewerenocasualtiestoreport,fornobodyhadcuriosityenoughtoremainbehindtoseewhatwouldhappen.
Ilostsometime,now,forthesebigchildren,theirfearsgone,becamesoravishedwithwonderovermyawe-compellingfireworksthatIhadtostaythereandsmokeacoupleofpipesoutbeforetheywouldletmego.
Stillthedelaywasnotwhollyunproductive,forittookallthattimetogetSandythoroughlywontedtothenewthing,shebeingsoclosetoit,youknow.Itpluggedupherconversationmill,too,foraconsiderablewhile,andthatwasagain.Butaboveallotherbenefitsaccruing,Ihadlearnedsomething.Iwasreadyforanygiantoranyogrethatmightcomealong,now.
Wetarriedwithaholyhermit,thatnight,andmyopportunitycameaboutthemiddleofthenextafternoon.Wewerecrossingavastmeadowbywayofshort-cut,andIwasmusingabsently,hearingnothing,seeingnothing,whenSandysuddenlyinterruptedaremarkwhichshehadbegunthatmorning,withthecry:
\"Defendthee,lord!——periloflifeistoward!\"
Andsheslippeddownfromthehorseandranalittlewayandstood.
Ilookedupandsaw,faroffintheshadeofatree,halfadozenarmedknightsandtheirsquires;andstraightwaytherewasbustleamongthemandtighteningofsaddle-girthsforthemount.Mypipewasreadyandwouldhavebeenlit,ifIhadnotbeenlostinthinkingabouthowtobanishoppressionfromthislandandrestoretoallitspeopletheirstolenrightsandmanhoodwithoutdisobliginganybody.Ilitupatonce,andbythetimeIhadgotagoodheadofreservedsteamon,heretheycame.Alltogether,too;noneofthosechivalrousmagnanimitieswhichonereadssomuchabout——onecourtlyrascalatatime,andthereststandingbytoseefairplay.No,theycameinabody,theycamewithawhirrandarush,theycamelikeavolleyfromabattery;camewithheadslowdown,plumesstreamingoutbehind,lancesadvancedatalevel.Itwasahandsomesight,abeautifulsight——foramanupatree.Ilaidmylanceinrestandwaited,withmyheartbeating,tilltheironwavewasjustreadytobreakoverme,thenspoutedacolumnofwhitesmokethroughthebarsofmyhelmet.Youshouldhaveseenthewavegotopiecesandscatter!Thiswasafinersightthantheotherone.
Butthesepeoplestopped,twoorthreehundredyardsaway,andthistroubledme.Mysatisfactioncollapsed,andfearcame;IjudgedIwasalostman.ButSandywasradiant;andwasgoingtobeeloquent——butI
stoppedher,andtoldhermymagichadmiscarried,somehoworother,andshemustmount,withalldespatch,andwemustrideforlife.No,shewouldn\'t.
Shesaidthatmyenchantmenthaddisabledthoseknights;theywerenotridingon,becausetheycouldn\'t;wait,theywoulddropoutoftheirsaddlespresently,andwewouldgettheirhorsesandharness.Icouldnotdeceivesuchtrustingsimplicity,soIsaiditwasamistake;thatwhenmyfireworkskilledatall,theykilledinstantly;no,themenwouldnotdie,therewassomethingwrongaboutmyapparatus,Icouldn\'ttellwhat;butwemusthurryandgetaway,forthosepeoplewouldattackusagain,inaminute.
Sandylaughed,andsaid:
\"Lack-a-day,sir,theybenotofthatbreed!SirLauncelotwillgivebattletodragons,andwillabidebythem,andwillassailthemagain,andyetagain,andstillagain,untilhedoconqueranddestroythem;andsolikewisewillSirPellinoreandSirAglovaleandSirCarados,andmayhapothers,buttherebenoneelsethatwillventureit,lettheidlesaywhattheidlewill.And,la,astoyonderbaserufflers,thinkyetheyhavenottheirfill,butyetdesiremore?\"
