haveforfeitedanyclaim.I\'veneglectedyou,andI\'veneglectedthechildren.Ourmarriagehasbeenonafalsebasisfromthestart,andI\'vebeentoblameforit.Thereismoretobesaidaboutthechancesforasuccessfulmarriageinthesedays,butI\'mnotgoingtodwellonthatnow,orattempttoshoulderoffmyshortcomingsonmybringingup,onthecivilizationinwhichwehavelived.You\'vetriedtodoyourshare,andthefailurehasn\'tbeenyourfault.IwanttotellyoufirstofallthatIrecognizeyourrighttoliveyourlifefromnowon,independentlyofme,ifyousodesire.Yououghttohavethechildren——\"
Ihesitatedamoment.ItwasthehardestthingIhadtosay.\"I\'venevertroubledmyselfaboutthem,I\'venevertakenonanyresponsibilityinregardtotheirbringingup.\"
\"Hugh!\"shecried.
\"Wait——I\'vegotmoretotellyou,thatyououghttoknow.Ishouldn\'tbehereto-dayifNancyDurretthadconsentedto——togetadivorceandmarryme.WehadagreedtothatwhenthisaccidenthappenedtoHam,andshewentbacktohim.IhavetotellyouthatIstillloveher——Ican\'tsayhowmuch,ordefinemyfeelingstowardhernow.I\'vegivenupallideaofher.Idon\'tthinkI\'dmarryhernow,evenifIhadthechance,andyoushoulddecidetoliveawayfromme.Idon\'tknow.I\'mnotsosureofmyselfasIoncewas.Thefactis,Maude,circumstanceshavebeentoomuchforme.I\'vebeenbeaten.AndI\'mnotatallcertainthatitwasn\'tacowardlythingformetocomebacktoyouatall.\"
Ifeltherhandtremblingundermine,butIhadnotthecouragetolookather.Iheardhercallmynameagainalittlecry,theverypoignancyofpityanddistress.Italmostunnervedme.
\"Iknewthatyoulovedher,Hugh,\"shesaid.\"Itwasonly——onlyalittlewhileafteryoumarriedmethatIfounditout.Iguessedit——womendoguesssuchthings——longbeforeyourealizedityourself.Yououghttohavemarriedherinsteadofme.Youwouldhavebeenhappierwithher.\"
Ididnotanswer.
\"I,too,havethoughtagreatdeal,\"shewenton,afteramoment.\"I
beganearlierthanyou,Ihadto.\"Ilookedupsuddenlyandsawhersmilingatme,faintly,throughhertears.\"ButI\'vebeenthinkingmore,andlearningmoresinceI\'vebeenoverhere.I\'vecometoseethatthatourfailurehasn\'tbeenasmuchyourfaultasIoncethought,asmuchasyouyourselfdeclare.Youhavedonemeawrong,andyou\'vedonethechildrenawrong.Oh,itisfrightfultothinkhowlittleIknewwhenI
marriedyou,buteventhenIfeltinstinctivelythatyoudidn\'tlovemeasIdeservedtobeloved.AndwhenwecamebackfromEuropeIknewthatIcouldn\'tsatisfyyou,Icouldn\'tlookuponlifeasyousawit,nomatterhowhardItried.Ididtry,butitwasn\'tanyuse.You\'llneverknowhowmuchI\'vesufferedalltheseyears.
\"Ihavebeenhappierhere,awayfromyou,withthechildren;I\'vehadachancetobemyself.Itisn\'tthatI\'m——much.Itisn\'tthatIdon\'tneedguidanceandcounseland——sympathy.I\'vemissedthose,butyou\'venevergiventhemtome,andI\'vebeenlearningmoreandmoretodowithoutthem.Idon\'tknowwhymarriageshouldsuddenlyhavebecomesuchamockeryandfailureinourtime,butIknowthatitis,thatourshasn\'tbeensuchanexceptionasIoncethought.I\'vecometobelievethatdivorceisoftenjustified.\"
\"Itisjustifiedsofarasyouareconcerned,Maude,\"Ireplied.
\"Itisnotjustifiedforme.Ihaveforfeited,asIsay,anyrightsoveryou.Ihavebeentheaggressorandtransgressorfromthestart.Youhavebeenagoodwifeandagoodmother,youhavebeenfaithful,Ihavehadabsolutelynothingtocomplainof.\"
\"SometimesIthinkImighthavetriedharder,\"shesaid.\"AtleastI
mighthaveunderstoodbetter.Iwasstupid.Buteverythingwentwrong.
AndIsawyougrowingawayfrommeallthetime,Hugh,growingawayfromthefriendswhowerefondofyou,asthoughyouwerefadinginthedistance.Itwasn\'twhollybecause——becauseofNancythatIleftyou.
Thatgavemeanexcuse——anexcuseformyself.LongbeforethatI
realizedmyhelplessness,IknewthatwhateverImighthavedonewaspastdoing.\"
\"Yes,Iknow,,\"Iassented.
Wesatinsilenceforawhile.Thetrainwasskirtinganancienttownsetonahill,crownedwithacastleandaGothicchurchwhosewindowswereafireinthesettingsun.
\"Maude,\"Isaid,\"Ihavenotcometoplead,toappealtoyourpityasagainstyourjudgmentandreason.Icansaythismuch,thatifIdonotloveyou,asthewordisgenerallyunderstood,Ihaveanewrespectforyou,andanewaffection,andIthinkthatthesewillgrow.Ihavenodoubtthattherearesomefortunatepeoplewhoachievethekindofmutualloveforwhichitishumantoyearn,whosepassionisnaturallytransmutedintoafeelingthatmaybeevenfiner,butIaminclinedtothink,eveninsuchacase,thatsomeeffortandunselfishnessarenecessary.Atanyrate,thathasbeendeniedtous,andwecanneverknowitfromourownexperience.Wecanonlyhopethatthereissuchathing,-yes,andbelieveinitandworkforit.\"
\"Workforit,Hugh?\"sherepeated.
\"Forothers——forourchildren.IhavebeenthinkingaboutthechildrenagreatdealinthelastfewmonthsespeciallyaboutMatthew.\"
\"Youalwayslovedhimbest,\"shesaid.
\"Yes,\"Iadmitted.\"Idon\'tknowwhyitshouldbeso.Andinspiteofit,Ihaveneglectedhim,neglectedthem,failedtoappreciatethemall.
Ididnotdeservethem.Ihavereproachedmyself,Ihavesufferedforit,notasmuchasIdeserved.Icametorealizethatthechildrenwereabondbetweenus,thattheirexistencemeantsomethinggreaterthaneitherofus.ButatthesametimeIrecognizedthatIhadlostmyrightoverthem,thatitwasyouwhohadprovedyourselfworthyItwasthroughthechildrenthatIcametothinkdifferently,tofeeldifferentlytowardyou.Ihavecometoyoutoaskyourforgiveness.\"
\"Oh,Hugh!\"shecried.
\"Wait,\"Isaid\"Ihavecometoyou,throughthem.IwanttosayagainthatIshouldnotbehereifIhadobtainedmydesires.Yetthereismoretoitthanthat.IthinkIhavereachedastagewhereIamabletosaythatIamgladIdidn\'tobtainthem.IseenowthatthiscomingtoyouwassomethingIhavewantedtodoallalong,butitwasthecowardlythingtodo,afterIhadfailed,foritwasnotasthoughIhadconqueredthedesires,thedesiresconqueredme.Atanyrate,Icouldn\'tcometoyoutoencumberyou,tobeadraguponyou.IfeltthatImusthavesomethingtoofferyou.I\'vegotaplan,Maude,formylife,forourlives.Idon\'tknowwhetherIcanmakeasuccessofit,andyouareentitledtodeclinetotaketherisk.Idon\'tfoolmyselfthatitwillbeallplainsailing,thattherewon\'tbedifficultiesanddiscouragements.ButI\'llpromisetotry.\"
\"Whatisit?\"sheasked,inalowvoice.\"I——IthinkIknow.\"
\"Perhapsyouhaveguessedit.Iamwillingtotrytodevotewhatisleftofmylifetoyouandtothem.AndIneedyourhelp.Iacknowledgeit.
Letustrytomakemorepossibleforthemthelifewehavemissed.\"
\"Thelifewehavemissed!\"shesaid.
\"Yes.Mymistakes,myfailures,havebroughtustotheedgeofaprecipice.Wemustprevent,ifwecan,thosemistakesandfailuresforthem.Theremedyforunhappymarriages,forallmistaken,selfishandartificialrelationshipsinlifeisapreventiveone.Myplanisthatwetrytoeducateourselvestogether,takeadvantageoftheaccruingknowledgethatishelpingmenandwomentocopewiththeproblems,tothinkstraight.Wecanthenteachourchildrentothinkstraight,toavoidthepitfallsintowhichwehavefallen.\"
Ipaused.Maudedidnotreply.Herfacewasturnedawayfromme,towardstheredglowofthesettingsunabovethehills.
\"Youhavebeendoingthisallalong,youhavehadthevision,thetruevision,whileIlackedit,Maude.Ioffertohelpyou.Butifyouthinkitisimpossibleforustolivetogether,ifyoubelievemyfeelingtowardyouisnotenough,ifyoudon\'tthinkIcandowhatIpropose,orifyouhaveceasedtocareforme——\"
Sheturnedtomewithaswiftmovement,hereyesfilledwithtears.
\"Oh,Hugh,don\'tsayanymore.Ican\'tstandit.Howlittleyouknow,forallyourthinking.Iloveyou,Ialwayshavelovedyou.Igrewtobeashamedofit,butI\'mnotanylonger.Ihaven\'tanyprideanymore,andIneverwanttohaveitagain.\"
\"You\'rewillingtotakemeasIam,——totry?\"Isaid.
\"Yes,\"sheanswered,\"I\'mwillingtotry.\"Shesmiledatme.\"AndI
havemorefaiththanyou,Hugh.Ithinkwe\'llsucceed.\"
Atnineo\'clockthatnight,whenwecameoutthroughthegatesofthebig,noisystation,thechildrenwereawaitingus.Theyhadchanged,theyhadgrown.Biddykissedmeshyly,andstoodstaringupatme.
\"We\'lltakeyououtto-morrowandshowyouhowwecanride,\"saidMoreton.
Matthewsmiled.Hestoodveryclosetome,withhishandthroughmyarm.
\"You\'regoingtostay,father?\"heasked.
\"I\'mgoingtostay,Matthew,\"Ianswered,\"untilweallgobacktoAmerica.\"
