ALLtruehistoriescontaininstruction;though,insome,thetreasuremaybehardtofind,andwhenfound,sotrivialinquantity,thatthedry,shrivelledkernelscarcelycompensatesforthetroubleofcrackingthenut。Whetherthisbethecasewithmyhistoryornot,Iamhardlycompetenttojudge。Isometimesthinkitmightproveusefultosome,andentertainingtoothers;buttheworldmayjudgeforitself。Shieldedbymyownobscurity,andbythelapseofyears,andafewfictitiousnames,Idonotfeartoventure;andwillcandidlylaybeforethepublicwhatIwouldnotdisclosetothemostintimatefriend。
MyfatherwasaclergymanofthenorthofEngland,whowasdeservedlyrespectedbyallwhoknewhim;and,inhisyoungerdays,livedprettycomfortablyonthejointincomeofasmallincumbencyandasnuglittlepropertyofhisown。Mymother,whomarriedhimagainstthewishesofherfriends,wasasquire\'sdaughter,andawomanofspirit。Invainitwasrepresentedtoher,thatifshebecamethepoorparson\'swife,shemustrelinquishhercarriageandherlady\'s-maid,andalltheluxuriesandeleganciesofaffluence;
whichtoherwerelittlelessthanthenecessariesoflife。A
carriageandalady\'s-maidweregreatconveniences;but,thankheaven,shehadfeettocarryher,andhandstoministertoherownnecessities。Aneleganthouseandspaciousgroundswerenottobedespised;butshewouldratherliveinacottagewithRichardGreythaninapalacewithanyothermanintheworld。
Findingargumentsofnoavail,herfather,atlength,toldtheloverstheymightmarryiftheypleased;but,insodoing,hisdaughterwouldforfeiteveryfractionofherfortune。Heexpectedthiswouldcooltheardourofboth;buthewasmistaken。Myfatherknewtoowellmymother\'ssuperiorworthnottobesensiblethatshewasavaluablefortuneinherself:andifshewouldbutconsenttoembellishhishumblehearthheshouldbehappytotakeheronanyterms;whileshe,onherpart,wouldratherlabourwithherownhandsthanbedividedfromthemansheloved,whosehappinessitwouldbeherjoytomake,andwhowasalreadyonewithherinheartandsoul。Soherfortunewenttoswellthepurseofawisersister,whohadmarriedarichnabob;andshe,tothewonderandcompassionateregretofallwhoknewher,wenttoburyherselfinthehomelyvillageparsonageamongthehillsof。Andyet,inspiteofallthis,andinspiteofmymother\'shighspiritandmyfather\'swhims,IbelieveyoumightsearchallEnglandthrough,andfailtofindahappiercouple。
Ofsixchildren,mysisterMaryandmyselfweretheonlytwothatsurvivedtheperilsofinfancyandearlychildhood。I,beingtheyoungerbyfiveorsixyears,wasalwaysregardedasTHEchild,andthepetofthefamily:father,mother,andsister,allcombinedtospoilme-notbyfoolishindulgence,torendermefractiousandungovernable,butbyceaselesskindness,tomakemetoohelplessanddependent-toounfitforbuffetingwiththecaresandturmoilsoflife。
MaryandIwerebroughtupinthestrictestseclusion。Mymother,beingatoncehighlyaccomplished,wellinformed,andfondofemployment,tookthewholechargeofoureducationonherself,withtheexceptionofLatin-whichmyfatherundertooktoteachus-sothatweneverevenwenttoschool;and,astherewasnosocietyintheneighbourhood,ouronlyintercoursewiththeworldconsistedinastatelytea-party,nowandthen,withtheprincipalfarmersandtradespeopleofthevicinity(justtoavoidbeingstigmatizedastooproudtoconsortwithourneighbours),andanannualvisittoourpaternalgrandfather\'s;wherehimself,ourkindgrandmamma,amaidenaunt,andtwoorthreeelderlyladiesandgentlemen,weretheonlypersonsweeversaw。Sometimesourmotherwouldamuseuswithstoriesandanecdotesofheryoungerdays,which,whiletheyentertainedusamazingly,frequentlyawoke-inME,atleast-asecretwishtoseealittlemoreoftheworld。
Ithoughtshemusthavebeenveryhappy:butsheneverseemedtoregretpasttimes。Myfather,however,whosetemperwasneithertranquilnorcheerfulbynature,oftenundulyvexedhimselfwiththinkingofthesacrificeshisdearwifehadmadeforhim;andtroubledhisheadwithrevolvingendlessschemesfortheaugmentationofhislittlefortune,forhersakeandours。Invainmymotherassuredhimshewasquitesatisfied;andifhewouldbutlaybyalittleforthechildren,weshouldallhaveplenty,bothfortimepresentandtocome:butsavingwasnotmyfather\'sforte。Hewouldnotrunindebt(atleast,mymothertookgoodcareheshouldnot),butwhilehehadmoneyhemustspendit:
helikedtoseehishousecomfortable,andhiswifeanddaughterswellclothed,andwellattended;andbesides,hewascharitablydisposed,andlikedtogivetothepoor,accordingtohismeans:
or,assomemightthink,beyondthem。
Atlength,however,akindfriendsuggestedtohimameansofdoublinghisprivatepropertyatonestroke;andfurtherincreasingit,hereafter,toanuntoldamount。Thisfriendwasamerchant,amanofenterprisingspiritandundoubtedtalent,whowassomewhatstraitenedinhismercantilepursuitsforwantofcapital;butgenerouslyproposedtogivemyfatherafairshareofhisprofits,ifhewouldonlyentrusthimwithwhathecouldspare;andhethoughthemightsafelypromisethatwhateversumthelatterchosetoputintohishands,itshouldbringhimincent。percent。
Thesmallpatrimonywasspeedilysold,andthewholeofitspricewasdepositedinthehandsofthefriendlymerchant;whoaspromptlyproceededtoshiphiscargo,andprepareforhisvoyage。
Myfatherwasdelighted,sowereweall,withourbrighteningprospects。Forthepresent,itistrue,wewerereducedtothenarrowincomeofthecuracy;butmyfatherseemedtothinktherewasnonecessityforscrupulouslyrestrictingourexpendituretothat;so,withastandingbillatMr。Jackson\'s,anotheratSmith\'s,andathirdatHobson\'s,wegotalongevenmorecomfortablythanbefore:thoughmymotheraffirmedwehadbetterkeepwithinbounds,forourprospectsofwealthwerebutprecarious,afterall;andifmyfatherwouldonlytrusteverythingtohermanagement,heshouldneverfeelhimselfstinted:buthe,foronce,wasincorrigible。
WhathappyhoursMaryandIhavepassedwhilesittingatourworkbythefire,orwanderingontheheath-cladhills,oridlingundertheweepingbirch(theonlyconsiderabletreeinthegarden),talkingoffuturehappinesstoourselvesandourparents,ofwhatwewoulddo,andsee,andpossess;withnofirmerfoundationforourgoodlysuperstructurethantherichesthatwereexpectedtoflowinuponusfromthesuccessoftheworthymerchant\'sspeculations。Ourfatherwasnearlyasbadasourselves;onlythatheaffectednottobesomuchinearnest:expressinghisbrighthopesandsanguineexpectationsinjestsandplayfulsallies,thatalwaysstruckmeasbeingexceedinglywittyandpleasant。Ourmotherlaughedwithdelighttoseehimsohopefulandhappy:butstillshefearedhewassettinghishearttoomuchuponthematter;
andonceIheardherwhisperasshelefttheroom,\'Godgranthebenotdisappointed!Iknownothowhewouldbearit。\'
Disappointedhewas;andbitterly,too。Itcamelikeathunder-
claponusall,thatthevesselwhichcontainedourfortunehadbeenwrecked,andgonetothebottomwithallitsstores,togetherwithseveralofthecrew,andtheunfortunatemerchanthimself。
I
wasgrievedforhim;Iwasgrievedfortheoverthrowofallourair-builtcastles:but,withtheelasticityofyouth,Isoonrecoveredtheshook。
Thoughricheshadcharms,povertyhadnoterrorsforaninexperiencedgirllikeme。Indeed,tosaythetruth,therewassomethingexhilaratingintheideaofbeingdriventostraits,andthrownuponourownresources。Ionlywishedpapa,mamma,andMarywereallofthesamemindasmyself;andthen,insteadoflamentingpastcalamitieswemightallcheerfullysettoworktoremedythem;
andthegreaterthedifficulties,theharderourpresentprivations,thegreatershouldbeourcheerfulnesstoendurethelatter,andourvigourtocontendagainsttheformer。
Marydidnotlament,butshebroodedcontinuallyoverthemisfortune,andsankintoastateofdejectionfromwhichnoeffortofminecouldrouseher。IcouldnotpossiblybringhertoregardthematteronitsbrightsideasIdid:andindeedIwassofearfulofbeingchargedwithchildishfrivolity,orstupidinsensibility,thatIcarefullykeptmostofmybrightideasandcheeringnotionstomyself;wellknowingtheycouldnotbeappreciated。
Mymotherthoughtonlyofconsolingmyfather,andpayingourdebtsandretrenchingourexpenditurebyeveryavailablemeans;butmyfatherwascompletelyoverwhelmedbythecalamity:health,strength,andspiritssankbeneaththeblow,andheneverwhollyrecoveredthem。Invainmymotherstrovetocheerhim,byappealingtohispiety,tohiscourage,tohisaffectionforherselfandus。Thatveryaffectionwashisgreatesttorment:
itwasforoursakeshehadsoardentlylongedtoincreasehisfortune-itwasourinterestthathadlentsuchbrightnesstohishopes,andthatimpartedsuchbitternesstohispresentdistress。Henowtormentedhimselfwithremorseathavingneglectedmymother\'sadvice;whichwouldatleasthavesavedhimfromtheadditionalburdenofdebt-hevainlyreproachedhimselfforhavingbroughtherfromthedignity,theease,theluxuryofherformerstationtotoilwithhimthroughthecaresandtoilsofpoverty。Itwasgallandwormwoodtohissoultoseethatsplendid,highly-accomplishedwoman,oncesocourtedandadmired,transformedintoanactivemanaginghousewife,withhandsandheadcontinuallyoccupiedwithhouseholdlaboursandhouseholdeconomy。Theverywillingnesswithwhichsheperformedtheseduties,thecheerfulnesswithwhichsheboreherreverses,andthekindnesswhichwithheldherfromimputingthesmallestblametohim,wereallpervertedbythisingeniousself-tormentorintofurtheraggravationsofhissufferings。Andthusthemindpreyeduponthebody,anddisorderedthesystemofthenerves,andtheyinturnincreasedthetroublesofthemind,tillbyactionandreactionhishealthwasseriouslyimpaired;andnotoneofuscouldconvincehimthattheaspectofouraffairswasnothalfsogloomy,soutterlyhopeless,ashismorbidimaginationrepresentedittobe。
Theusefulponyphaetonwassold,togetherwiththestout,well-fedpony-theoldfavouritethatwehadfullydeterminedshouldenditsdaysinpeace,andneverpassfromourhands;thelittlecoach-
houseandstablewerelet;theservantboy,andthemoreefficient(beingthemoreexpensive)ofthetwomaid-servants,weredismissed。Ourclothesweremended,turned,anddarnedtotheutmostvergeofdecency;ourfood,alwaysplain,wasnowsimplifiedtoanunprecedenteddegree-exceptmyfather\'sfavouritedishes;
ourcoalsandcandleswerepainfullyeconomized-thepairofcandlesreducedtoone,andthatmostsparinglyused;thecoalscarefullyhusbandedinthehalf-emptygrate:especiallywhenmyfatherwasoutonhisparishduties,orconfinedtobedthroughillness-thenwesatwithourfeetonthefender,scrapingtheperishingemberstogetherfromtimetotime,andoccasionallyaddingaslightscatteringofthedustandfragmentsofcoal,justtokeepthemalive。Asforourcarpets,theyintimewerewornthreadbare,andpatchedanddarnedeventoagreaterextentthanourgarments。Tosavetheexpenseofagardener,MaryandI
undertooktokeepthegardeninorder;andallthecookingandhouseholdworkthatcouldnoteasilybemanagedbyoneservant-
girl,wasdonebymymotherandsister,withalittleoccasionalhelpfromme:onlyalittle,because,thoughawomaninmyownestimation,Iwasstillachildintheirs;andmymother,likemostactive,managingwomen,wasnotgiftedwithveryactivedaughters:
forthisreason-thatbeingsocleveranddiligentherself,shewasnevertemptedtotrustheraffairstoadeputy,but,onthecontrary,waswillingtoactandthinkforothersaswellasfornumberone;andwhateverwasthebusinessinhand,shewasapttothinkthatnoonecoulddoitsowellasherself:sothatwheneverIofferedtoassisther,Ireceivedsuchanansweras-\'No,love,youcannotindeed-there\'snothinghereyoucando。Goandhelpyoursister,orgethertotakeawalkwithyou-tellhershemustnotsitsomuch,andstaysoconstantlyinthehouseasshedoes-
shemaywelllookthinanddejected。\'
\'Mary,mammasaysI\'mtohelpyou;orgetyoutotakeawalkwithme;shesaysyoumaywelllookthinanddejected,ifyousitsoconstantlyinthehouse。\'
\'Helpmeyoucannot,Agnes;andIcannotgooutwithYOU-Ihavefartoomuchtodo。\'
\'Thenletmehelpyou。\'
\'Youcannot,indeed,dearchild。Goandpractiseyourmusic,orplaywiththekitten。\'
Therewasalwaysplentyofsewingonhand;butIhadnotbeentaughttocutoutasinglegarment,andexceptplainhemmingandseaming,therewaslittleIcoulddo,eveninthatline;fortheybothassertedthatitwasfareasiertodotheworkthemselvesthantoprepareitforme:andbesides,theylikedbettertoseemeprosecutingmystudies,oramusingmyself-itwastimeenoughformetositbendingovermywork,likeagravematron,whenmyfavouritelittlepussywasbecomeasteadyoldcat。Undersuchcircumstances,althoughIwasnotmanydegreesmoreusefulthanthekitten,myidlenesswasnotentirelywithoutexcuse。
Throughallourtroubles,Ineverbutonceheardmymothercomplainofourwantofmoney。AssummerwascomingonsheobservedtoMaryandme,\'Whatadesirablethingitwouldbeforyourpapatospendafewweeksatawatering-place。Iamconvincedthesea-airandthechangeofscenewouldbeofincalculableservicetohim。Butthen,yousee,there\'snomoney,\'sheadded,withasigh。Webothwishedexceedinglythatthethingmightbedone,andlamentedgreatlythatitcouldnot。\'Well,well!\'saidshe,\'it\'snousecomplaining。Possiblysomethingmightbedonetofurthertheprojectafterall。Mary,youareabeautifuldrawer。Whatdoyousaytodoingafewmorepicturesinyourbeststyle,andgettingthemframed,withthewater-coloureddrawingsyouhavealreadydone,andtryingtodisposeofthemtosomeliberalpicture-dealer,whohasthesensetodiscerntheirmerits?\'
\'Mamma,IshouldbedelightedifyouthinktheyCOULDbesold;andforanythingworthwhile。\'
\'It\'sworthwhiletrying,however,mydear:doyouprocurethedrawings,andI\'llendeavourtofindapurchaser。\'
\'IwishIcoulddosomething,\'saidI。
\'You,Agnes!well,whoknows?Youdrawprettywell,too:
ifyouchoosesomesimplepieceforyoursubject,Idaresayyouwillbeabletoproducesomethingweshallallbeproudtoexhibit。\'
\'ButIhaveanotherschemeinmyhead,mamma,andhavehadlong,onlyIdidnotliketomentionit。\'
\'Indeed!praytelluswhatitis。\'
\'Ishouldliketobeagoverness。\'
Mymotherutteredanexclamationofsurprise,andlaughed。Mysisterdroppedherworkinastonishment,exclaiming,\'YOUagoverness,Agnes!Whatcanyoubedreamingof?\'
\'Well!Idon\'tseeanythingsoVERYextraordinaryinit。
Idonotpretendtobeabletoinstructgreatgirls;butsurelyIcouldteachlittleones:andIshouldlikeitsomuch:Iamsofondofchildren。Doletme,mamma!\'
\'But,mylove,youhavenotlearnedtotakecareofYOURSELFyet:
andyoungchildrenrequiremorejudgmentandexperiencetomanagethanelderones。\'
\'But,mamma,Iamaboveeighteen,andquiteabletotakecareofmyself,andotherstoo。YoudonotknowhalfthewisdomandprudenceIpossess,becauseIhaveneverbeentried。\'
\'Onlythink,\'saidMary,\'whatwouldyoudoinahousefullofstrangers,withoutmeormammatospeakandactforyou-withaparcelofchildren,besidesyourself,toattendto;andnoonetolooktoforadvice?Youwouldnotevenknowwhatclothestoputon。\'
\'Youthink,becauseIalwaysdoasyoubidme,Ihavenojudgmentofmyown:butonlytryme-thatisallIask-andyoushallseewhatIcando。\'
Atthatmomentmyfatherenteredandthesubjectofourdiscussionwasexplainedtohim。
\'What,mylittleAgnesagoverness!\'criedhe,and,inspiteofhisdejection,helaughedattheidea。
\'Yes,papa,don\'tYOUsayanythingagainstit:Ishouldlikeitsomuch;andIamsureIcouldmanagedelightfully。\'
\'But,mydarling,wecouldnotspareyou。\'Andatearglistenedinhiseyeasheadded-\'No,no!afflictedasweare,surelywearenotbroughttothatpassyet。\'
\'Oh,no!\'saidmymother。\'Thereisnonecessitywhateverforsuchastep;itismerelyawhimofherown。Soyoumustholdyourtongue,younaughtygirl;for,thoughyouaresoreadytoleaveus,youknowverywellwecannotpartwithYOU。\'
Iwassilencedforthatday,andformanysucceedingones;butstillIdidnotwhollyrelinquishmydarlingscheme。Marygotherdrawingmaterials,andsteadilysettowork。Igotminetoo;butwhileIdrew,Ithoughtofotherthings。Howdelightfulitwouldbetobeagoverness!Togooutintotheworld;toenteruponanewlife;toactformyself;toexercisemyunusedfaculties;totrymyunknownpowers;toearnmyownmaintenance,andsomethingtocomfortandhelpmyfather,mother,andsister,besidesexoneratingthemfromtheprovisionofmyfoodandclothing;toshowpapawhathislittleAgnescoulddo;toconvincemammaandMarythatIwasnotquitethehelpless,thoughtlessbeingtheysupposed。Andthen,howcharmingtobeentrustedwiththecareandeducationofchildren!Whateverotherssaid,IfeltIwasfullycompetenttothetask:theclearremembranceofmyownthoughtsinearlychildhoodwouldbeasurerguidethantheinstructionsofthemostmatureadviser。Ihadbuttoturnfrommylittlepupilstomyselfattheirage,andIshouldknow,atonce,howtowintheirconfidenceandaffections:howtowakenthecontritionoftheerring;howtoemboldenthetimidandconsoletheafflicted;howtomakeVirtuepracticable,Instructiondesirable,andReligionlovelyandcomprehensible-
Delightfultask!
Toteachtheyoungideahowtoshoot!
Totrainthetenderplants,andwatchtheirbudsunfoldingdaybyday!
Influencedbysomanyinducements,Ideterminedstilltopersevere;
thoughthefearofdispleasingmymother,ordistressingmyfather\'sfeelings,preventedmefromresumingthesubjectforseveraldays。Atlength,again,Imentionedittomymotherinprivate;and,withsomedifficulty,gothertopromisetoassistmewithherendeavours。Myfather\'sreluctantconsentwasnextobtained,andthen,thoughMarystillsighedherdisapproval,mydear,kindmotherbegantolookoutforasituationforme。Shewrotetomyfather\'srelations,andconsultedthenewspaperadvertisements-herownrelationsshehadlongdroppedallcommunicationwith:aformalinterchangeofoccasionalletterswasallshehadeverhadsincehermarriage,andshewouldnotatanytimehaveappliedtotheminacaseofthisnature。Butsolongandsoentirehadbeenmyparents\'seclusionfromtheworld,thatmanyweekselapsedbeforeasuitablesituationcouldbeprocured。
Atlast,tomygreatjoy,itwasdecreedthatIshouldtakechargeoftheyoungfamilyofacertainMrs。Bloomfield;whommykind,primauntGreyhadknowninheryouth,andassertedtobeaverynicewoman。Herhusbandwasaretiredtradesman,whohadrealizedaverycomfortablefortune;butcouldnotbeprevailedupontogiveagreatersalarythantwenty-fivepoundstotheinstructressofhischildren。I,however,wasgladtoacceptthis,ratherthanrefusethesituation-whichmyparentswereinclinedtothinkthebetterplan。
Butsomeweeksmorewereyettobedevotedtopreparation。Howlong,howtediousthoseweeksappearedtome!Yettheywerehappyonesinthemain-fullofbrighthopesandardentexpectations。
WithwhatpeculiarpleasureIassistedatthemakingofmynewclothes,and,subsequently,thepackingofmytrunks!Buttherewasafeelingofbitternessminglingwiththelatteroccupationtoo;andwhenitwasdone-whenallwasreadyformydepartureonthemorrow,andthelastnightathomeapproached-asuddenanguishseemedtoswellmyheart。Mydearfriendslookedsosad,andspokesoverykindly,thatIcouldscarcelykeepmyeyesfromoverflowing:butIstillaffectedtobegay。IhadtakenmylastramblewithMaryonthemoors,mylastwalkinthegarden,androundthehouse;Ihadfed,withher,ourpetpigeonsforthelasttime-theprettycreaturesthatwehadtamedtopecktheirfoodfromourhands:Ihadgivenafarewellstroketoalltheirsilkybacksastheycrowdedinmylap。Ihadtenderlykissedmyownpeculiarfavourites,thepairofsnow-whitefantails;Ihadplayedmylasttuneontheoldfamiliarpiano,andsungmylastsongtopapa:notthelast,Ihoped,butthelastforwhatappearedtomeaverylongtime。And,perhaps,whenIdidthesethingsagainitwouldbewithdifferentfeelings:circumstancesmightbechanged,andthishousemightneverbemysettledhomeagain。Mydearlittlefriend,thekitten,wouldcertainlybechanged:shewasalreadygrowingafinecat;andwhenIreturned,evenforahastyvisitatChristmas,would,mostlikely,haveforgottenbothherplaymateandhermerrypranks。Ihadrompedwithherforthelasttime;andwhenIstrokedhersoftbrightfur,whileshelaypurringherselftosleepinmylap,itwaswithafeelingofsadnessI
couldnoteasilydisguise。Thenatbed-time,whenIretiredwithMarytoourquietlittlechamber,wherealreadymydrawerswereclearedoutandmyshareofthebookcasewasempty-andwhere,hereafter,shewouldhavetosleepalone,indrearysolitude,assheexpressedit-myheartsankmorethanever:IfeltasifI
hadbeenselfishandwrongtopersistinleavingher;andwhenI
kneltoncemorebesideourlittlebed,IprayedforablessingonherandonmyparentsmoreferventlythaneverIhaddonebefore。
Toconcealmyemotion,Iburiedmyfaceinmyhands,andtheywerepresentlybathedintears。Iperceived,onrising,thatshehadbeencryingtoo:butneitherofusspoke;andinsilencewebetookourselvestoourrepose,creepingmorecloselytogetherfromtheconsciousnessthatweweretopartsosoon。
Butthemorningbroughtarenewalofhopeandspirits。Iwastodepartearly;thattheconveyancewhichtookme(agig,hiredfromMr。Smith,thedraper,grocer,andtea-dealerofthevillage)mightreturnthesameday。Irose,washed,dressed,swallowedahastybreakfast,receivedthefondembracesofmyfather,mother,andsister,kissedthecat-tothegreatscandalofSally,themaid-
shookhandswithher,mountedthegig,drewmyveilovermyface,andthen,butnottillthen,burstintoafloodoftears。Thegigrolledon;Ilookedback;mydearmotherandsisterwerestillstandingatthedoor,lookingafterme,andwavingtheiradieux。
I
returnedtheirsalute,andprayedGodtoblessthemfrommyheart:
wedescendedthehill,andIcouldseethemnomore。
\'It\'sacoldishmornin\'foryou,MissAgnes,\'observedSmith;\'andadarksome\'untoo;butwe\'shappengettoyonspotaforetherecomemuchraintosignify。\'
\'Yes,Ihopeso,\'repliedI,ascalmlyasIcould。
\'It\'scomedagoodsuplastnighttoo。\'
\'Yes。\'
\'Butthiscoldwindwillhappenkeepitoff。\'
\'Perhapsitwill。\'
Hereendedourcolloquy。Wecrossedthevalley,andbegantoascendtheoppositehill。Asweweretoilingup,Ilookedbackagain;therewasthevillagespire,andtheoldgreyparsonagebeyondit,baskinginaslantingbeamofsunshine-itwasbutasicklyray,butthevillageandsurroundinghillswereallinsombreshade,andIhailedthewanderingbeamasapropitiousomentomyhome。WithclaspedhandsIferventlyimploredablessingonitsinhabitants,andhastilyturnedaway;forIsawthesunshinewasdeparting;andIcarefullyavoidedanotherglance,lestI
shouldseeitingloomyshadow,liketherestofthelandscape。
chapter02
CHAPTERII-FIRSTLESSONSINTHEARTOFINSTRUCTION
ASwedrovealong,myspiritsrevivedagain,andIturned,withpleasure,tothecontemplationofthenewlifeuponwhichIwasentering。ButthoughitwasnotfarpastthemiddleofSeptember,theheavycloudsandstrongnorth-easterlywindcombinedtorenderthedayextremelycoldanddreary;andthejourneyseemedaverylongone,for,asSmithobserved,theroadswere\'veryheavy\';andcertainly,hishorsewasveryheavytoo:itcrawledupthehills,andcreptdownthem,andonlycondescendedtoshakeitssidesinatrotwheretheroadwasatadeadleveloraverygentleslope,whichwasrarelythecaseinthoseruggedregions;sothatitwasnearlyoneo\'clockbeforewereachedtheplaceofourdestination。
Yet,afterall,whenweenteredtheloftyirongateway,whenwedrovesoftlyupthesmooth,well-rolledcarriage-road,withthegreenlawnoneachside,studdedwithyoungtrees,andapproachedthenewbutstatelymansionofWellwood,risingaboveitsmushroompoplar-groves,myheartfailedme,andIwisheditwereamileortwofartheroff。ForthefirsttimeinmylifeImuststandalone:
therewasnoretreatingnow。Imustenterthathouse,andintroducemyselfamongitsstrangeinhabitants。Buthowwasittobedone?True,Iwasnearnineteen;but,thankstomyretiredlifeandtheprotectingcareofmymotherandsister,Iwellknewthatmanyagirloffifteen,orunder,wasgiftedwithamorewomanlyaddress,andgreatereaseandself-possession,thanIwas。Yet,ifMrs。Bloomfieldwereakind,motherlywoman,Imightdoverywell,afterall;andthechildren,ofcourse,Ishouldsoonbeateasewiththem-andMr。Bloomfield,Ihoped,Ishouldhavebutlittletodowith。
\'Becalm,becalm,whateverhappens,\'Isaidwithinmyself;andtrulyIkeptthisresolutionsowell,andwassofullyoccupiedinsteadyingmynervesandstiflingtherebelliousflutterofmyheart,thatwhenIwasadmittedintothehallandusheredintothepresenceofMrs。Bloomfield,Ialmostforgottoanswerherpolitesalutation;anditafterwardsstruckme,thatthelittleIdidsaywasspokeninthetoneofonehalf-deadorhalf-asleep。Thelady,too,wassomewhatchillyinhermanner,asIdiscoveredwhenIhadtimetoreflect。Shewasatall,spare,statelywoman,withthickblackhair,coldgreyeyes,andextremelysallowcomplexion。
Withduepoliteness,however,sheshowedmemybedroom,andleftmetheretotakealittlerefreshment。Iwassomewhatdismayedatmyappearanceonlookingintheglass:thecoldwindhadswelledandreddenedmyhands,uncurledandentangledmyhair,anddyedmyfaceofapalepurple;addtothismycollarwashorridlycrumpled,myfrocksplashedwithmud,myfeetcladinstoutnewboots,andasthetrunkswerenotbroughtup,therewasnoremedy;sohavingsmoothedmyhairaswellasIcould,andrepeatedlytwitchedmyobduratecollar,Iproceededtoclompdownthetwoflightsofstairs,philosophizingasIwent;andwithsomedifficultyfoundmywayintotheroomwhereMrs。Bloomfieldawaitedme。
Sheledmeintothedining-room,wherethefamilyluncheonhadbeenlaidout。Somebeefsteaksandhalf-coldpotatoesweresetbeforeme;andwhileIdineduponthese,shesatopposite,watchingme(asIthought)andendeavouringtosustainsomethinglikeaconversation-consistingchieflyofasuccessionofcommonplaceremarks,expressedwithfrigidformality:butthismightbemoremyfaultthanhers,forIreallycouldNOTconverse。Infact,myattentionwasalmostwhollyabsorbedinmydinner:notfromravenousappetite,butfromdistressatthetoughnessofthebeefsteaks,andthenumbnessofmyhands,almostpalsiedbytheirfive-hours\'exposuretothebitterwind。Iwouldgladlyhaveeatenthepotatoesandletthemeatalone,buthavinggotalargepieceofthelatterontomyplate,Icouldnotbesoimpoliteastoleaveit;so,aftermanyawkwardandunsuccessfulattemptstocutitwiththeknife,ortearitwiththefork,orpullitasunderbetweenthem,sensiblethattheawfulladywasaspectatortothewholetransaction,Iatlastdesperatelygraspedtheknifeandforkinmyfists,likeachildoftwoyearsold,andfelltoworkwithallthelittlestrengthIpossessed。Butthisneededsomeapology-withafeebleattemptatalaugh,Isaid,\'MyhandsaresobenumbedwiththecoldthatIcanscarcelyhandlemyknifeandfork。\'
\'Idaresayyouwouldfinditcold,\'repliedshewithacool,immutablegravitythatdidnotservetore-assureme。
Whentheceremonywasconcluded,sheledmeintothesitting-roomagain,wheresherangandsentforthechildren。
\'Youwillfindthemnotveryfaradvancedintheirattainments,\'
saidshe,\'forIhavehadsolittletimetoattendtotheireducationmyself,andwehavethoughtthemtooyoungforagovernesstillnow;butIthinktheyarecleverchildren,andveryapttolearn,especiallythelittleboy;heis,Ithink,thefloweroftheflock-agenerous,noble-spiritedboy,onetobeled,butnotdriven,andremarkableforalwaysspeakingthetruth。Heseemstoscorndeception\'(thiswasgoodnews)。\'HissisterMaryAnnwillrequirewatching,\'continuedshe,\'butsheisaverygoodgirluponthewhole;thoughIwishhertobekeptoutofthenurseryasmuchaspossible,assheisnowalmostsixyearsold,andmightacquirebadhabitsfromthenurses。Ihaveorderedhercribtobeplacedinyourroom,andifyouwillbesokindastooverlookherwashinganddressing,andtakechargeofherclothes,sheneedhavenothingfurthertodowiththenurserymaid。\'
IrepliedIwasquitewillingtodoso;andatthatmomentmyyoungpupilsenteredtheapartment,withtheirtwoyoungersisters。
MasterTomBloomfieldwasawell-grownboyofseven,withasomewhatwiryframe,flaxenhair,blueeyes,smallturned-upnose,andfaircomplexion。MaryAnnwasatallgirltoo,somewhatdarklikehermother,butwitharoundfullfaceandahighcolourinhercheeks。ThesecondsisterwasFanny,averyprettylittlegirl;Mrs。Bloomfieldassuredmeshewasaremarkablygentlechild,andrequiredencouragement:shehadnotlearnedanythingyet;
butinafewdays,shewouldbefouryearsold,andthenshemighttakeherfirstlessoninthealphabet,andbepromotedtotheschoolroom。TheremainingonewasHarriet,alittlebroad,fat,merry,playfulthingofscarcelytwo,thatIcovetedmorethanalltherest-butwithherIhadnothingtodo。
ItalkedtomylittlepupilsaswellasIcould,andtriedtorendermyselfagreeable;butwithlittlesuccessIfear,fortheirmother\'spresencekeptmeunderanunpleasantrestraint。They,however,wereremarkablyfreefromshyness。Theyseemedbold,livelychildren,andIhopedIshouldsoonbeonfriendlytermswiththem-thelittleboyespecially,ofwhomIhadheardsuchafavourablecharacterfromhismamma。InMaryAnntherewasacertainaffectedsimper,andacravingfornotice,thatIwassorrytoobserve。Butherbrotherclaimedallmyattentiontohimself;
hestoodboltuprightbetweenmeandthefire,withhishandsbehindhisback,talkingawaylikeanorator,occasionallyinterruptinghisdiscoursewithasharpreprooftohissisterswhentheymadetoomuchnoise。
\'Oh,Tom,whatadarlingyouare!\'exclaimedhismother。\'Comeandkissdearmamma;andthenwon\'tyoushowMissGreyyourschoolroom,andyournicenewbooks?\'
\'Iwon\'tkissYOU,mamma;butIWILLshowMissGreymyschoolroom,andmynewbooks。\'
\'AndMYschoolroom,andMYnewbooks,Tom,\'saidMaryAnn。
\'They\'reminetoo。\'
\'They\'reMINE,\'repliedhedecisively。\'Comealong,MissGrey-
I\'llescortyou。\'
Whentheroomandbookshadbeenshown,withsomebickeringsbetweenthebrotherandsisterthatIdidmyutmosttoappeaseormitigate,MaryAnnbroughtmeherdoll,andbegantobeveryloquaciousonthesubjectofitsfineclothes,itsbed,itschestofdrawers,andotherappurtenances;butTomtoldhertoholdherclamour,thatMissGreymightseehisrocking-horse,which,withamostimportantbustle,hedraggedforthfromitscornerintothemiddleoftheroom,loudlycallingonmetoattendtoit。Then,orderinghissistertoholdthereins,hemounted,andmademestandfortenminutes,watchinghowmanfullyheusedhiswhipandspurs。Meantime,however,IadmiredMaryAnn\'sprettydoll,andallitspossessions;andthentoldMasterTomhewasacapitalrider,butIhopedhewouldnotusehiswhipandspurssomuchwhenherodearealpony。
\'Oh,yes,Iwill!\'saidhe,layingonwithredoubledardour。\'I\'llcutintohimlikesmoke!Eeh!myword!butheshallsweatforit。\'
Thiswasveryshocking;butIhopedintimetobeabletoworkareformation。
\'Nowyoumustputonyourbonnetandshawl,\'saidthelittlehero,\'andI\'llshowyoumygarden。\'
\'AndMINE,\'saidMaryAnn。
Tomliftedhisfistwithamenacinggesture;sheutteredaloud,shrillscream,rantotheothersideofme,andmadeafaceathim。
\'Surely,Tom,youwouldnotstrikeyoursister!IhopeIshallNEVERseeyoudothat。\'
\'Youwillsometimes:I\'mobligedtodoitnowandthentokeepherinorder。\'
\'Butitisnotyourbusinesstokeepherinorder,youknow-thatisfor-\'
\'Well,nowgoandputonyourbonnet。\'
\'Idon\'tknow-itissoverycloudyandcold,itseemslikelytorain;-andyouknowIhavehadalongdrive。\'
\'Nomatter-youMUSTcome;Ishallallowofnoexcuses,\'repliedtheconsequentiallittlegentleman。And,asitwasthefirstdayofouracquaintance,IthoughtImightaswellindulgehim。ItwastoocoldforMaryAnntoventure,soshestayedwithhermamma,tothegreatreliefofherbrother,wholikedtohavemealltohimself。
Thegardenwasalargeone,andtastefullylaidout;besidesseveralsplendiddahlias,thereweresomeotherfineflowersstillinbloom:butmycompanionwouldnotgivemetimetoexaminethem:
Imustgowithhim,acrossthewetgrass,toaremotesequesteredcorner,themostimportantplaceinthegrounds,becauseitcontainedHISgarden。Thereweretworoundbeds,stockedwithavarietyofplants。Inonetherewasaprettylittlerose-tree。
I
pausedtoadmireitslovelyblossoms。
\'Oh,nevermindthat!\'saidhe,contemptuously。\'That\'sonlyMARY
ANN\'Sgarden;look,THISismine。\'
AfterIhadobservedeveryflower,andlistenedtoadisquisitiononeveryplant,Iwaspermittedtodepart;butfirst,withgreatpomp,hepluckedapolyanthusandpresentedittome,asoneconferringaprodigiousfavour。Iobserved,onthegrassabouthisgarden,certainapparatusofsticksandcorn,andaskedwhattheywere。
\'Trapsforbirds。\'
\'Whydoyoucatchthem?\'
\'Papasaystheydoharm。\'
\'Andwhatdoyoudowiththemwhenyoucatchthem?\'
\'Differentthings。SometimesIgivethemtothecat;sometimesI
cuttheminpieceswithmypenknife;butthenext,Imeantoroastalive。\'
\'Andwhydoyoumeantodosuchahorriblething?\'
\'Fortworeasons:first,toseehowlongitwilllive-andthen,toseewhatitwilltastelike。\'
\'Butdon\'tyouknowitisextremelywickedtodosuchthings?
Remember,thebirdscanfeelaswellasyou;andthink,howwouldyoulikeityourself?\'
\'Oh,that\'snothing!I\'mnotabird,andIcan\'tfeelwhatIdotothem。\'
\'Butyouwillhavetofeelitsometime,Tom:youhaveheardwherewickedpeoplegotowhentheydie;andifyoudon\'tleaveofftorturinginnocentbirds,remember,youwillhavetogothere,andsufferjustwhatyouhavemadethemsuffer。\'
\'Oh,pooh!Ishan\'t。PapaknowshowItreatthem,andheneverblamesmeforit:hesaysitisjustwhatHEusedtodowhenHE
wasaboy。Lastsummer,hegavemeanestfullofyoungsparrows,andhesawmepullingofftheirlegsandwings,andheads,andneversaidanything;exceptthattheywerenastythings,andImustnotletthemsoilmytrousers:endUncleRobsonwastheretoo,andhelaughed,andsaidIwasafineboy。\'
\'Butwhatwouldyourmammasay?\'
\'Oh,shedoesn\'tcare!shesaysit\'sapitytokilltheprettysingingbirds,butthenaughtysparrows,andmice,andrats,ImaydowhatIlikewith。Sonow,MissGrey,youseeitisNOTwicked。\'
\'Istillthinkitis,Tom;andperhapsyourpapaandmammawouldthinksotoo,iftheythoughtmuchaboutit。However,\'I