VALENTINE。Certainly，Mrs。Clandon。
GLORIA。ShallIcome？
MRS。CLANDON。No，dear。Iwanttobealone。(Shegoesout，evidentlystillagooddealtroubled。Valentineopensthedoorforherandfollowsherout。)
PHILIP(significantly——toDolly)。Hmhm!
DOLLY(significantlytoPhilip)。Ahah!(Theparlormaidanswersthebell。)
DOLLY。Showtheoldgentlemanup。
THEPARLORMAID(puzzled)。Madam？
DOLLY。Theoldgentlemanwiththetoothache。
PHILIP。Thelandlord。
THEPARLORMAID。Mr。Crampton，Sir？
PHILIP。IshisnameCrampton？
DOLLY(toPhilip)。Soundsrheumaticky，doesn\'tit？
PHILIP。Chalkstones，probably。
DOLLY(overhershoulder，totheparlormaid)。ShowMr。Crampstonesup。(GoesR。towriting-tablechair)。
THEPARLORMAID(correctingher)。Mr。Crampton，miss。(Shegoes。)
DOLLY(repeatingittoherselflikealesson)。Crampton，Crampton，Crampton，Crampton，Crampton。(Shesitsdownstudiouslyatthewriting-
table。)Imustgetthatnameright，orHeavenknowswhatIshallcallhim。
GLORIA。Phil:canyoubelievesuchahorriblethingasthataboutourfather——whatmothersaidjustnow？
PHILIP。Oh，therearelotsofpeopleofthatkind。OldChaliceusedtothrashhiswifeanddaughterswithacartwhip。
DOLLY(contemptuously)。Yes，aPortuguese!
PHILIP。Whenyoucometomenwhoarebrutes，thereismuchincommonbetweenthePortugueseandtheEnglishvariety，Doll。Trustmyknowledgeofhumannature。(Heresumeshispositiononthehearthrugwithanelderlyandresponsibleair。)
GLORIA(withangeredremorse)。Idon\'tthinkweshalleverplayagainatouroldgameofguessingwhatourfatherwastobelike。
Dolly:areyousorryforyourfather——thefatherwithlotsofmoney？
DOLLY。Oh，come!Whataboutyourfather——thelonelyoldmanwiththetenderachingheart？He\'sprettywellburstup，Ithink。
PHILIP。Therecanbenodoubtthatthegovernorisanexplodedsuperstition。(Valentineisheardtalkingtosomebodyoutsidethedoor。)Buthark:hecomes。
GLORIA(nervously)。Who？
DOLLY。Chalkstones。
PHILIP。Sh!Attention。(Theyputontheirbestmanners。PhilipaddsinalowervoicetoGloria)Ifhe\'sgoodenoughforthelunch，I\'llnodtoDolly；andifshenodstoyou，invitehimstraightaway。
(Valentinecomesbackwithhislandlord。Mr。FergusCramptonisamanofaboutsixty，tall，hardandstringy，withanatrociouslyobstinate，illtempered，graspingmouth，andaquerulouslydogmaticvoice。Withalheishighlynervousandsensitive，judgingbyhisthintransparentskinmarkedwithmultitudinouslines，andhisslenderfingers。Hisconsequentcapacityforsufferingacutelyfromallthedislikethathistemperandobstinacycanbringuponhimisprovedbyhiswistful，woundedeyes，byaplaintivenoteinhisvoice，apainfulwantofconfidenceinhiswelcome，andaconstantbutindifferentlysuccessfulefforttocorrecthisnaturalincivilityofmannerandpronenesstotakeoffence。Byhiskeenbrowsandforeheadheisclearlyashrewdman；andthereisnosignofstraitenedmeansorcommercialdiffidenceabouthim:heiswelldressed，andwouldbeclassedataguessasaprosperousmastermanufacturerinabusinessinheritedfromanoldfamilyinthearistocracyoftrade。Hisnavybluecoatisnotoftheusualfashionablepattern。Itisnotexactlyapilot\'scoat；butitiscutthatway，doublebreasted，andwithstoutbuttonsandbroadlappels，acoatforashipyardratherthanacountinghouse。HehastakenafancytoValentine，whocaresnothingforhiscrossnessofgrainandtreatshimwithasortofdisrespectfulhumanity，forwhichheissecretlygrateful。)
VALENTINE。MayIintroduce——thisisMr。Crampton——MissDorothyClandon，Mr。PhilipClandon，MissClandon。(Cramptonstandsnervouslybowing。Theyallbow。)Sitdown，Mr。Crampton。
DOLLY(pointingtotheoperatingchair)。Thatisthemostcomfortablechair，Mr。Ch——crampton。
CRAMPTON。Thankyou；butwon\'tthisyounglady——(indicatingGloria，whoisclosetothechair)？
GLORIA。Thankyou，Mr。Crampton:wearejustgoing。
VALENTINE(bustlinghimacrosstothechairwithgood-humoredperemptoriness)。Sitdown，sitdown。You\'retired。
CRAMPTON。Well，perhapsasIamconsiderablytheoldestpersonpresent，I——(Hefinishesthesentencebysittingdownalittlerheumaticallyintheoperatingchair。Meanwhile，Philip，havingstudiedhimcriticallyduringhispassageacrosstheroom，nodstoDolly；andDollynodstoGloria。)
GLORIA。Mr。Crampton:weunderstandthatwearepreventingMr。
Valentinefromlunchingwithyoubytakinghimawayourselves。Mymotherwouldbeveryglad，indeed，ifyouwouldcometoo。
CRAMPTON(gratefully，afterlookingatherearnestlyforamoment)。
Thankyou。Iwillcomewithpleasure。
GLORIA}(politely{Thankyouverymuch——er——
DOLLY}murmuring)。{Soglad——er——
PHILIP}{Delighted，I\'msure——er——
(Theconversationdrops。GloriaandDollylookatoneanother；thenatValentineandPhilip。ValentineandPhilip，unequaltotheoccasion，lookawayfromthematoneanother，andareinstantlysodisconcertedbycatchingoneanother\'seye，thattheylookbackagainandcatchtheeyesofGloriaandDolly。Thus，catchingoneanotherallround，theyalllookatnothingandarequiteataloss。Cramptonlooksabouthim，waitingforthemtobegin。Thesilencebecomesunbearable。)
DOLLY(suddenly，tokeepthingsgoing)。Howoldareyou，Mr。
Crampton？
GLORIA(hastily)。Iamafraidwemustbegoing，Mr。Valentine。Itisunderstood，then，thatwemeetathalfpastone。(Shemakesforthedoor。Philipgoeswithher。Valentineretreatstothebell。)
VALENTINE。Halfpastone。(Heringsthebell。)Manythanks。(HefollowsGloriaandPhiliptothedoor，andgoesoutwiththem。)
DOLLY(whohasmeanwhilestolenacrosstoCrampton)。Makehimgiveyougas。It\'sfiveshillingsextra:butit\'sworthit。
CRAMPTON(amused)。Verywell。(Lookingmoreearnestlyather。)Soyouwanttoknowmyage，doyou？I\'mfifty-seven。
DOLLY(withconviction)。Youlookit。
CRAMPTON(grimly)。IdaresayIdo。
DOLLY。Whatareyoulookingatmesohardfor？Anythingwrong？
(Shefeelswhetherherhatisright。)
CRAMPTON。You\'relikesomebody。
DOLLY。Who？
CRAMPTON。Well，youhaveacuriouslookofmymother。
DOLLY(incredulously)。Yourmother!!!Quitesureyoudon\'tmeanyourdaughter？
CRAMPTON(suddenlyblackeningwithhate)。Yes:I\'mquitesureI
don\'tmeanmydaughter。
DOLLY(sympathetically)。Toothbad？
CRAMPTON。No，no:nothing。Atwingeofmemory，MissClandon，notoftoothache。
DOLLY。Haveitout。\"Pluckfromthememoryarootedsorrow:\"withgas，fiveshillingsextra。
CRAMPTON(vindicatively)。No，notasorrow。Aninjurythatwasdonemeonce:that\'sall。Idon\'tforgetinjuries；andIdon\'twanttoforgetthem。(Hisfeaturessettleintoanimplacablefrown。)
(re-enterPhilip:tolookforDolly。Hecomesdownbehindherunobserved。)
DOLLY(lookingcriticallyatCrampton\'sexpression)。Idon\'tthinkweshalllikeyouwhenyouarebroodingoveryoursorrows。
PHILIP(whohasenteredtheroomunobserved，andstolenbehindher)。
Mysistermeanswell，Mr。Crampton:butsheisindiscreet。NowDolly，outside!(Hetakeshertowardsthedoor。)
DOLLY(inaperfectlyaudibleundertone)。Hesayshe\'sonlyfifty-
seven；andhethinksmetheimageofhismother；andhehateshisdaughter；and——(SheisinterruptedbythereturnofValentine。)
VALENTINE。MissClandonhasgoneon。
PHILIP。Don\'tforgethalfpastone。
DOLLY。MindyouleaveMr。Cramptonwithenoughteethtoeatwith。
(Theygoout。Valentinecomesdowntohiscabinet，andopensit。)
CRAMPTON。That\'saspoiledchild，Mr。Valentine。That\'soneofyourmodernproducts。WhenIwasherage，Ihadmanyagoodhidingfreshinmymemorytoteachmemanners。
VALENTINE(takinguphisdentalmirrorandprobefromtheshelfinfrontofthecabinet)。Whatdidyouthinkofhersister？
CRAMPTON。Youlikedherbetter，eh？
VALENTINE(rhapsodically)。Shestruckmeasbeing——(Hecheckshimself，andadds，prosaically)However，that\'snotbusiness。(HeplaceshimselfbehindCrampton\'srightshoulderandassumeshisprofessionaltone。)Open，please。(Cramptonopenshismouth。
Valentineputsthemirrorin，andexamineshisteeth。)Hm!Youhavebrokenthatone。Whatapitytospoilsuchasplendidsetofteeth!
Whydoyoucracknutswiththem？(Hewithdrawsthemirror，andcomesforwardtoconversewithCrampton。)
CRAMPTON。I\'vealwayscrackednutswiththem:whatelsearetheyfor？(Dogmatically。)Theproperwaytokeepteethgoodistogivethemplentyofuseonbonesandnuts，andwashthemeverydaywithsoap——
plainyellowsoap。
VALENTINE。Soap!Whysoap？
CRAMPTON。IbeganusingitasaboybecauseIwasmadeto；andI\'veusediteversince。AndIneverhadtoothacheinmylife。
VALENTINE。Don\'tyoufinditrathernasty？
CRAMPTON。Ifoundthatmostthingsthatweregoodformewerenasty。
ButIwastaughttoputupwiththem，andmadetoputupwiththem。I\'musedtoitnow:infact，Ilikethetastewhenthesoapisreallygood。
VALENTINE(makingawryfaceinspiteofhimself)。Youseemtohavebeenverycarefullyeducated，Mr。Crampton。
CRAMPTON(grimly)。Iwasn\'tspoiled，atallevents。
VALENTINE(smilingalittletohimself)。Areyouquitesure？
CRAMPTON。Whatd\'y\'mean？
VALENTINE。Well，yourteetharegood，Iadmit。ButI\'veseenjustasgoodinveryself-indulgentmouths。(Hegoestotheledgeofcabinetandchangestheprobeforanotherone。)
CRAMPTON。It\'snottheeffectontheteeth:it\'stheeffectonthecharacter。
VALENTINE(placably)。Oh，thecharacter，Isee。(Herecommencesoperations。)Alittlewider，please。Hm!Thatonewillhavetocomeout:it\'spastsaving。(Hewithdrawstheprobeandagaincomestothesideofthechairtoconverse。)Don\'tbealarmed:youshan\'tfeelanything。I\'llgiveyougas。
CRAMPTON。Rubbish，man:Iwantnoneofyourgas。Outwithit。
Peopleweretaughttobearnecessarypaininmyday。
VALENTINE。Oh，ifyoulikebeinghurt，allright。I\'llhurtyouasmuchasyoulike，withoutanyextrachargeforthebeneficialeffectonyourcharacter。
CRAMPTON(risingandglaringathim)。Youngman:youowemesixweeks\'rent。
VALENTINE。Ido。
CRAMPTON。Canyoupayme？
VALENTINE。No。
CRAMPTON(satisfiedwithhisadvantage)。Ithoughtnot。Howsoond\'y\'thinkyou\'llbeabletopaymeifyouhavenobettermannersthantomakegameofyourpatients？(Hesitsdownagain。)
VALENTINE。Mygoodsir:mypatientshaven\'tallformedtheircharactersonkitchensoap。
CRAMPTON(suddenlygrippinghimbythearmasheturnsawayagaintothecabinet)。Somuchtheworseforthem。Itellyouyoudon\'tunderstandmycharacter。IfIcouldspareallmyteeth，I\'dmakeyoupullthemalloutoneafteranothertoshewyouwhataproperlyhardenedmancangothroughwithwhenhe\'smadeuphismindtodoit。(Henodsathimtoenforcetheeffectofthisdeclaration，andreleaseshim。)
VALENTINE(hiscarelesspleasantryquiteunruffled)。Andyouwanttobemorehardened，doyou？
CRAMPTON。Yes。
VALENTINE(strollingawaytothebell)。Well，you\'requitehardenoughformealready——asalandlord。(Cramptonreceivesthiswithagrowlofgrimhumor。Valentineringsthebell，andremarksinacheerful，casualway，whilstwaitingforittobeanswered。)Whydidyounevergetmarried，Mr。Crampton？Awifeandchildrenwouldhavetakensomeofthehardnessoutofyou。
CRAMPTON(withunexpectedferocity)。Whatthedevilisthattoyou？
(Theparlormaidappearsatthedoor。)
VALENTINE(politely)。Somewarmwater，please。(Sheretires:andValentinecomesbacktothecabinet，notatallputoutbyCrampton\'srudeness，andcarriesontheconversationwhilstheselectsaforcepsandplacesitreadytohishandwithagagandadrinkingglass。)Youwereaskingmewhatthedevilthatwastome。Well，Ihaveanideaofgettingmarriedmyself。
CRAMPTON(withgrumblingirony)。Naturally，sir，naturally。Whenayoungmanhascometohislastfarthing，andiswithintwenty-fourhoursofhavinghisfurnituredistraineduponbyhislandlord，hemarries。
I\'venoticedthatbefore。Well，marry；andbemiserable。
VALENTINE。Oh，come，whatdoyouknowaboutit？
CRAMPTON。I\'mnotabachelor。
VALENTINE。ThenthereisaMrs。Crampton？
CRAMPTON(wincingwithapangofresentment)。Yes——damnher!
VALENTINE(unperturbed)。Hm!Afather，too，perhaps，aswellasahusband，Mr。Crampton？
CRAMPTON。Threechildren。
VALENTINE(politely)。Damnthem？——eh？
CRAMPTON(jealously)。No，sir:thechildrenareasmuchmineashers。(Theparlormaidbringsinajugofhotwater。)
VALENTINE。Thankyou。(Hetakesthejugfromher，andbringsittothecabinet，continuinginthesameidlestrain)Ireallyshouldliketoknowyourfamily，Mr。Crampton。(Theparlormaidgoesout:andhepourssomehotwaterintothedrinkingglass。)
CRAMPTON。SorryIcan\'tintroduceyou，sir。I\'mhappytosaythatI
don\'tknowwheretheyare，anddon\'tcare，solongastheykeepoutofmyway。(Valentine，withahitchofhiseyebrowsandshoulders，dropstheforcepswithaclinkintotheglassofhotwater。)Youneedn\'twarmthatthingtouseonme。I\'mnotafraidofthecoldsteel。(Valentinestoopstoarrangethegaspumpandcylinderbesidethechair。)What\'sthatheavything？
VALENTINE。Oh，nevermind。Somethingtoputmyfooton，togetthenecessarypurchaseforagoodpull。(Cramptonlooksalarmedinspiteofhimself。Valentinestandsuprightandplacestheglasswiththeforcepsinitreadytohishand，chattingonwithprovokingindifference。)Andsoyouadvisemenottogetmarried，Mr。Crampton？(Hestoopstofitthehandleontheapparatusbywhichthechairisraisedandlowered。)
CRAMPTON(irritably)。Iadviseyoutogetmytoothoutandhavedoneremindingmeofmywife。Comealong，man。(Hegripsthearmsofthechairandbraceshimself。)
VALENTINE(pausing，withhishandonthelever，tolookupathimandsay)。WhatdoyoubetthatIdon\'tgetthattoothoutwithoutyourfeelingit？
CRAMPTON。Yoursixweek\'srent，youngman。Don\'tyougammonme。
VALENTINE(jumpingatthebetandwindinghimaloftvigorously)。
Done!Areyouready？(Crampton，whohaslosthisgripofthechairinhisalarmatitssuddenascent，foldshisarms:sitsstifflyupright:
andpreparesfortheworst。Valentineletsdownthebackofthechairtoanobtuseangle。)
CRAMPTON(clutchingatthearmsofthechairashefallsback)。Takecareman。I\'mquitehelplessinthispo——
VALENTINE(deftlystoppinghimwiththegag，andsnatchingupthemouthpieceofthegasmachine)。You\'llbemorehelplesspresently。(HepressesthemouthpieceoverCrampton\'smouthandnose，leaningoverhischestsoastoholdhisheadandshoulderswelldownonthechair。
CramptonmakesaninarticulatesoundinthemouthpieceandtriestolayhandsonValentine，whomhesupposestobeinfrontofhim。Afteramomenthisarmswaveaimlessly，thensubsideanddrop。Heisquiteinsensible。Valentine，withanexclamationofsomewhatpreoccupiedtriumph，throwsasidethemouthpiecequickly:picksuptheforcepsadroitlyfromtheglass:and——thecurtainfalls。)
ENDOFACTI。
ActII
OntheterraceattheMarineHotel。Itisasquareflaggedplatform，withaparapetofheavyoiljarpilasterssupportingabroadstonecopingontheouteredge，whichstandsupoverthesealikeacliff。
Theheadwaiteroftheestablishment，busylayingnapkinsonaluncheontablewithhisbacktothesea，hasthehotelonhisright，andonhisleft，inthecornernearestthesea，theflightofstepsleadingdowntothebeach。
Whenhelooksdowntheterraceinfrontofhimheseesalittletohisleftasolitaryguest，amiddle-agedgentlemansittingonachairofironlathsatalittleirontablewithabowloflumpsugarandthreewaspsonit，readingtheStandard，withhisumbrellauptodefendhimfromthesun，which，inAugustandatlessthananhourafternoon，istoastinghisprotendedinsteps。Justoppositehim，atthehotelsideoftheterrace，thereisagardenseatoftheordinaryesplanadepattern。
Accesstothehotelforvisitorsisbyanentranceinthemiddleofitsfacade，reachedbyacoupleofstepsonabroadsquareofraisedpavement。Nearertheparapettherelurksawaytothekitchen，maskedbyalittletrellisporch。Thetableatwhichthewaiterisoccupiedisalongone，setacrosstheterracewithcoversandchairsforfive，twoateachsideandoneattheendnextthehotel。Againsttheparapetanothertableispreparedasabuffettoservefrom。
Thewaiterisaremarkablepersoninhisway。Asilkyoldman，white-hairedanddelicatelooking，butsocheerfulandcontentedthatinhisencouragingpresenceambitionstandsrebukedasvulgarity，andimaginationastreasontotheaboundingsufficiencyandinterestoftheactual。Hehasacertainexpressionpeculiartomenwhohavebeenextraordinarilysuccessfulintheircalling，andwho，whilstawareofthevanityofsuccess，areuntouchedbyenvy。
Thegentlemanattheirontableisnotdressedfortheseaside。HewearshisLondonfrockcoatandgloves；andhistallsilkhatisonthetablebesidethesugarbowl。Theexcellentconditionandqualityofthesegarments，thegold-rimmedfoldingspectaclesthroughwhichheisreadingtheStandard，andtheTimesathiselbowoverlayingthelocalpaper，alltestifytohisrespectability。Heisaboutfifty，cleanshaven，andclose-cropped，withthecornersofhismouthturneddownpurposely，asifhesuspectedthemofwantingtoturnup，andwasdeterminednottoletthemhavetheirway。Hehaslargeexpansiveears，codcoloredeyes，andabrowkeptresolutelywideopen，asif，again，hehadresolvedinhisyouthtobetruthful，magnanimous，andincorruptible，buthadneversucceededinmakingthathabitofmindautomaticandunconscious。Still，heisbynomeanstobelaughedat。
Thereisnosignofstupidityorinfirmityofwillabouthim:onthecontrary，hewouldpassanywhereatsightasamanofmorethanaverageprofessionalcapacityandresponsibility。Justatpresentheisenjoyingtheweatherandtheseatoomuchtobeoutofpatience；buthehasexhaustedallthenewsinhispapersandisatpresentreducedtotheadvertisements，whicharenotsufficientlysucculenttoinducehimtoperseverewiththem。
THEGENTLEMAN(yawningandgivingupthepaperasabadjob)。
Waiter!
WAITER。Sir？(comingdownC。)
THEGENTLEMAN。AreyouquitesureMrs。Clandoniscomingbackbeforelunch？
WAITER。Quitesure，sir。Sheexpectsyouataquartertoone，sir。
(Thegentleman，soothedatoncebythewaiter\'svoice，looksathimwithalazysmile。Itisaquietvoice，withagentlemelodyinitthatgivessympatheticinteresttohismostcommonplaceremark；andhespeakswiththesweetestpropriety，neitherdroppinghisaitchesnormisplacingthem，norcommittinganyothervulgarism。Helooksathiswatchashecontinues)Notthatyet，sir，isit？12:43，sir。Onlytwominutesmoretowait，sir。Nicemorning，sir？
THEGENTLEMAN。Yes:veryfreshafterLondon。
WAITER。Yes，sir:soallourvisitorssay，sir。Verynicefamily，Mrs。Clandon\'s，sir。
THEGENTLEMAN。Youlikethem，doyou？
WAITER。Yes，sir。Theyhaveafreewaywiththemthatisverytaking，sir，verytakingindeed，sir:especiallytheyoungladyandgentleman。
THEGENTLEMAN。MissDorotheaandMr。Philip，Isuppose。
WAITER。Yes，sir。Theyounglady，ingivinganorder，orthelikeofthat，willsay，\"Remember，William，wecametothishotelonyouraccount，havingheardwhataperfectwaiteryouare。\"TheyounggentlemanwilltellmethatIremindhimstronglyofhisfather(thegentlemanstartsatthis)andthatheexpectsmetoactbyhimassuch。
(Soothing，sunnycadence。)Oh，verypeasant，sir，veryaffableandpleasantindeed!
THEGENTLEMAN。Youlikehisfather!(Helaughsatthenotion。)
WAITER。Oh，wemustnottakewhattheysaytooseriously，sir。Ofcourse，sir，ifitweretrue，theyoungladywouldhaveseentheresemblance，too，sir。
THEGENTLEMAN。Didshe？
WAITER。No，sir。ShethoughtmelikethebustofShakespearinStratfordChurch，sir。ThatiswhyshecallsmeWilliam，sir。MyrealnameisWalter，sir。(Heturnstogobacktothetable，andseesMrs。
Clandoncominguptotheterracefromthebeachbythesteps。)HereisMrs。Clandon，sir。(ToMrs。Clandon，inanunobtrusivelyconfidentialtone)Gentlemanforyou，ma\'am。
MRS。CLANDON。Weshallhavetwomoregentlemenatlunch，William。
WAITER。Right，ma\'am。Thankyou，ma\'am。(Hewithdrawsintothehotel。Mrs。Clandoncomesforwardlookingroundforhervisitor，butpassesoverthegentlemanwithoutanysignofrecognition。)
THEGENTLEMAN(peeringatherquaintlyfromundertheumbrella)。
Don\'tyouknowme？
MRS。CLANDON(incredulously，lookinghardathim)AreyouFinchMcComas？
McCOMAS。Can\'tyouguess？(Heshutstheumbrella；putsitaside；
andjocularlyplantshimselfwithhishandsonhishipstobeinspected。)
MRS。CLANDON。Ibelieveyouare。(Shegiveshimherhand。Theshakethatensuesisthatofoldfriendsafteralongseparation。)
Where\'syourbeard？
McCOMAS(withhumoroussolemnity)。Wouldyouemployasolicitorwithabeard？
MRS。CLANDON(pointingtothesilkhatonthetable)。Isthatyourhat？
McCOMAS。Wouldyouemployasolicitorwithasombrero？
MRS。CLANDON。Ihavethoughtofyoualltheseeighteenyearswiththebeardandthesombrero。(Shesitsdownonthegardenseat。McComastakeshischairagain。)DoyougotothemeetingsoftheDialecticalSocietystill？
McCOMAS(gravely)。Idonotfrequentmeetingsnow。
MRS。CLANDON。Finch:Iseewhathashappened。Youhavebecomerespectable。
McCOMAS。Haven\'tyou？
MRS。CLANDON。Notabit。
McCOMAS。Youholdtoyouroldopinionsstill？
MRS。CLANDON。Asfirmlyasever。
McCOMAS。Blessme!Andyouarestillreadytomakespeechesinpublic，inspiteofyoursex(Mrs。Clandonnods)；toinsistonamarriedwoman\'srighttoherownseparateproperty(shenodsagain)；tochampionDarwin\'sviewoftheoriginofspeciesandJohnStuartMill\'sessayonLiberty(nod)；toreadHuxley，TyndallandGeorgeEliot(threenods)；
andtodemandUniversitydegrees，theopeningoftheprofessions，andtheparliamentaryfranchiseforwomenaswellasmen？
MRS。CLANDON(resolutely)。Yes:Ihavenotgonebackoneinch；andI
haveeducatedGloriatotakeupmyworkwhereIleftit。ThatiswhathasbroughtmebacktoEngland:IfeltthatIhadnorighttoburyheraliveinMadeira——mySt。Helena，Finch。IsupposeshewillbehowledatasIwas；butsheispreparedforthat。
McCOMAS。Howledat!Mydeargoodlady:thereisnothinginanyofthoseviewsnow-a-daystopreventherfrommarryingabishop。Youreproachedmejustnowforhavingbecomerespectable。Youwerewrong:I
holdtoouroldopinionsasstronglyasever。Idon\'tgotochurch；andIdon\'tpretendIdo。IcallmyselfwhatIam:aPhilosophicRadical，standingforlibertyandtherightsoftheindividual，asIlearnttodofrommymasterHerbertSpencer。AmIhowledat？No:I\'mindulgedasanoldfogey。I\'moutofeverything，becauseI\'verefusedtobowthekneetoSocialism。
MRS。CLANDON(shocked)。Socialism。
McCOMAS。Yes，Socialism。That\'swhatMissGloriawillbeuptoherearsinbeforetheendofthemonthifyouletherloosehere。
MRS。CLANDON(emphatically)。ButIcanprovetoherthatSocialismisafallacy。
McCOMAS(touchingly)。Itisbyprovingthat，Mrs。Clandon，thatI
havelostallmyyoungdisciples。Becarefulwhatyoudo:lethergoherownway。(Withsomebitterness。)We\'reold-fashioned:theworldthinksithasleftusbehind。ThereisonlyoneplaceinallEnglandwhereyouropinionswouldstillpassasadvanced。
MRS。CLANDON(scornfullyunconvinced)。TheChurch，perhaps？
McCOMAS。No，thetheatre。Andnowtobusiness!Whyhaveyoumademecomedownhere？
MRS。CLANDON。Well，partlybecauseIwantedtoseeyou——
McCOMAS(withgood-humoredirony)。Thanks。
MRS。CLANDON——andpartlybecauseIwantyoutoexplaineverythingtothechildren。Theyknownothing；andnowthatwehavecomebacktoEngland，itisimpossibletoleavetheminignoranceanylonger。
(Agitated。)Finch:Icannotbringmyselftotellthem。I——(SheisinterruptedbythetwinsandGloria。Dollycomestearingupthesteps，racingPhilip，whocombinesaterrificspeedwithunhurriedproprietyofbearingwhich，however，costshimtherace，asDollyreacheshermotherfirstandalmostupsetsthegardenseatbytheprecipitancyofherarrival。)
DOLLY(breathless)。It\'sallright，mamma。Thedentistiscoming；
andhe\'sbringinghisoldman。
MRS。CLANDON。Dolly，dear:don\'tyouseeMr。McComas？(Mr。McComasrises，smilingly。)
DOLLY(herfacefallingwiththemostdisparaginglyobviousdisappointment)。This!Wherearetheflowinglocks？
PHILIP(secondingherwarmly)。Wherethebeard？——thecloak？——thepoeticexterior？
DOLLY。Oh，Mr。McComas，you\'vegoneandspoiledyourself。Whydidn\'tyouwaittillwe\'dseenyou？
McCOMAS(takenaback，butrallyinghishumortomeettheemergency)。
Becauseeighteenyearsistoolongforasolicitortogowithouthavinghishaircut。
GLORIA(attheothersideofMcComas)。Howdoyoudo，Mr。McComas？
(Heturns；andshetakeshishandandpressesit，withafrankstraightlookintohiseyes。)Wearegladtomeetyouatlast。
McCOMAS。MissGloria，Ipresume？(Gloriasmilesassent，andreleaseshishandafterafinalpressure。Shethenretiresbehindthegardenseat，leaningoverthebackbesideMrs。Clandon。)Andthisyounggentleman？
PHILIP。Iwaschristenedinacomparativelyprosaicmood。Mynameis——
DOLLY(completinghissentenceforhimdeclamatorily)。\"Norval。OntheGrampianhills\"——
PHILIP(declaiminggravely)。\"Myfatherfeedshisflock，afrugalswain\"——
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Dear，dearchildren:don\'tbesilly。
Everythingissonewtothemhere，Finch，thattheyareinthewildestspirits。TheythinkeveryEnglishmantheymeetisajoke。
DOLLY。Well，soheis:it\'snotourfault。
PHILIP。Myknowledgeofhumannatureisfairlyextensive，Mr。
McComas；butIfinditimpossibletotaketheinhabitantsofthisislandseriously。
McCOMAS。Ipresume，sir，youareMasterPhilip(offeringhishand)？
PHILIP(takingMcComas\'shandandlookingsolemnlyathim)。IwasMasterPhilip——wassoformanyyears；justasyouwereonceMasterFinch。(Hegiveshishandasingleshakeanddropsit；thenturnsaway，exclaimingmeditatively)Howstrangeitistolookbackonourboyhood!
(McComasstaresafterhim，notatallpleased。)
DOLLY(toMrs。Clandon)。HasFinchhadadrink？
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Dearest:Mr。McComaswilllunchwithus。
DOLLY。Haveyouorderedforseven？Don\'tforgettheoldgentleman。
MRS。CLANDON。Ihavenotforgottenhim，dear。Whatishisname？
DOLLY。Chalkstones。He\'llbehereathalfpastone。(ToMcComas。)
Arewelikewhatyouexpected？
MRS。CLANDON(changinghertonetoamoreearnestone)。Dolly:Mr。
McComashassomethingmoreseriousthanthattotellyou。Children:I
haveaskedmyoldfriendtoanswerthequestionyouaskedthismorning。
Heisyourfather\'sfriendaswellasmine:andhewilltellyouthestorymorefairlythanIcould。(TurningherheadfromthemtoGloria。)
Gloria:areyousatisfied？
GLORIA(gravelyattentive)。Mr。McComasisverykind。
McCOMAS(nervously)。Notatall，mydearyounglady:notatall。Atthesametime，thisisrathersudden。Iwashardlyprepared——er——
DOLLY(suspiciously)。Oh，wedon\'twantanythingprepared。
PHILIP(exhortinghim)。Tellusthetruth。
DOLLY(emphatically)。Baldheaded。
McCOMAS(nettled)。IhopeyouintendtotakewhatIhavetosayseriously。
PHILIP(withprofoundmockgravity)。Ihopeitwilldeserveit，Mr。
McComas。Myknowledgeofhumannatureteachesmenottoexpecttoomuch。
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Phil——
PHILIP。Yes，mother，allright。Ibegyourpardon，Mr。McComas:
don\'tmindus。
DOLLY(inconciliation)。Wemeanwell。
PHILIP。Shutup，both。
(Dollyholdsherlips。McComastakesachairfromtheluncheontable；placesitbetweenthelittletableandthegardenseatwithDollyonhisrightandPhiliponhisleft；andsettleshimselfinitwiththeairofamanabouttobeginalongcommunication。TheClandonsmatchhimexpectantly。)
McCOMAS。Ahem!Yourfather——
DOLLY(interrupting)。Howoldishe？
PHILIP。Sh!
MRS。CLANDON(softly)。DearDolly:don\'tletusinterruptMr。
McComas。
McCOMAS(emphatically)。Thankyou，Mrs。Clandon。Thankyou。(ToDolly。)Yourfatherisfifty-seven。
DOLLY(withabound，startledandexcited)。Fifty-seven!Wheredoeshelive？
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Dolly，Dolly!
McCOMAS(stoppingher)。Letmeanswerthat，Mrs。Clandon。Theanswerwillsurpriseyouconsiderably。Helivesinthistown。(Mrs。
Clandonrises。SheandGlorialookatoneanotherinthegreatestconsternation。)
DOLLY(withconviction)。Iknewit!Phil:Chalkstonesisourfather。
McCOMAS。Chalkstones!
DOLLY。Oh，Crampstones，orwhateveritis。HesaidIwaslikehismother。Iknewhemustmeanhisdaughter。
PHILIP(veryseriously)。Mr。McComas:Idesiretoconsideryourfeelingsineverypossibleway:butIwarnyouthatifyoustretchthelongarmofcoincidencetothelengthoftellingmethatMr。Cramptonofthistownismyfather，Ishalldeclinetoentertaintheinformationforamoment。
McCOMAS。Andpraywhy？
PHILIP。BecauseIhaveseenthegentleman；andheisentirelyunfittobemyfather，orDolly\'sfather，orGloria\'sfather，ormymother\'shusband。
McCOMAS。Oh，indeed!Well，sir，letmetellyouthatwhetheryoulikeitornot，heisyourfather，andyoursister\'father，andMrs。
Clandon\'shusband。Now!Whathaveyoutosaytothat!
DOLLY(whimpering)。Youneedn\'tbesocross。Cramptonisn\'tyourfather。
PHILIP。Mr。McComas:yourconductisheartless。Hereyoufindafamilyenjoyingtheunspeakablepeaceandfreedomofbeingorphans。Wehaveneverseenthefaceofarelative——neverknownaclaimexcepttheclaimoffreelychosenfriendship。Andnowyouwishtothrustintothemostintimaterelationshipwithusamanwhomwedon\'tknow——
DOLLY(vehemently)。Anawfuloldman!(reproachfully)Andyoubeganasifyouhadquiteanicefatherforus。
McCOMAS(angrily)。Howdoyouknowthatheisnotnice？Andwhatrighthaveyoutochooseyourownfather？(raisinghisvoice。)Letmetellyou，MissClandon，thatyouaretooyoungto——
DOLLY(interruptinghimsuddenlyandeagerly)。Stop，Iforgot!Hasheanymoney？
McCOMAS。Hehasagreatdealofmoney。
DOLLY(delighted)。Oh，whatdidIalwayssay，Phil？
PHILIP。Dolly:wehaveperhapsbeencondemningtheoldmantoohastily。Proceed，Mr。McComas。
McCOMAS。Ishallnotproceed，sir。Iamtoohurt，tooshocked，toproceed。
MRS。CLANDON(urgently)。Finch:doyourealizewhatishappening？
Doyouunderstandthatmychildrenhaveinvitedthatmantolunch，andthathewillbehereinafewmoments？
McCOMAS(completelyupset)。What!doyoumean——amItounderstand——
isit——
PHILIP(impressively)。Steady，Finch。Thinkitoutslowlyandcarefully。He\'scoming——comingtolunch。
GLORIA。Whichofusistotellhimthetruth？Haveyouthoughtofthat？
MRS。CLANDON。Finch:youmusttellhim。
DOLLYOh，Finchisnogoodattellingthings。Lookatthemesshehasmadeoftellingus。
McCOMAS。Ihavenotbeenallowedtospeak。Iprotestagainstthis。
DOLLY(takinghisarmcoaxingly)。DearFinch:don\'tbecross。
MRS。CLANDON。Gloria:letusgoin。Hemayarriveatanymoment。
GLORIA(proudly)。Donotstir，mother。Ishallnotstir。Wemustnotrunaway。
MRS。CLANDON(delicatelyrebukingher)。Mydear:wecannotsitdowntolunchjustasweare。Weshallcomebackagain。Wemusthavenobravado。(Gloriawinces，andgoesintothehotelwithoutaword。)
Come，Dolly。(Asshegoesintothehoteldoor，thewaitercomesoutwithplates，etc。，fortwoadditionalcoversonatray。)
WAITER。Gentlemencomeyet，ma\'am？
MRS。CLANDON。Twomoretocomeyet，thankyou。Theywillbehere，immediately。(Shegoesintothehotel。Thewaitertakeshistraytotheservicetable。)
PHILIP。Ihaveanidea。Mr。McComas:thiscommunicationshouldbemade，shoulditnot，byamanofinfinitetact？
McCOMAS。Itwillrequiretact，certainly。
PHILIPGood!Dolly:whosetactwereyounoticingonlythismorning？
DOLLY(seizingtheideawithrapture)。Oh，yes，Ideclare!William!
PHILIP。Theveryman!(Calling)William!
WAITER。Coming，sir。
