Allmustsipthecupofsorrow，Ito—dayandthouto—morrow:
Thisthecloseofeverysong—
Dingdong！Dingdong！
Whatthoughsolemnshadowsfall，Sooner，later，overall？
Singamerrymadrigal—
Falla！
Ballad:TheDukeAndTheDuchess[THEDUKE。]
SmalltitlesandordersForMayorsandRecordersIget—andthey’rehighlydelighted。
M。P。sbaronetted，ShamColonelsgazetted，Andsecond—rateAldermenknighted。
Foundation—stonelayingIfindverypaying，Itaddsalargesumtomymakings。
AtcharitydinnersThebestofspeech—spinners，Igettenpercentonthetakings！
[THEDUCHESS。]
IpresentanyladyWhoseconductisshadyOrsmackingofdoubtfulpropriety;
WhenVirtuewouldquashherItakeandwhitewashherAndlaunchherinfirst—ratesociety。
IrecommendacresOfclumsydressmakers—
Theirfitandtheirfinishingtouches;
AsuminadditionTheypayforpermissionTosaythattheymakefortheDuchess！
[THEDUKE。]
Thosepressingprevailers，Theready—madetailors，Quotemeastheirgreatdouble—barrel;
Iallowthemtodoso，ThoughROBINSONCRUSOE
Wouldjibattheirwearingapparel！
Isit，byselection，UponthedirectionOfseveralCompaniesbubble;
Assoonasthey’refloatedI’mfreelybank—noted—
I’mprettywellpaidformytrouble！
[THEDUCHESS。]
Atmiddle—classpartyIplayatECARTE—
AndI’mbynomeansabeginner;
TooneofmystationTheremuneration—
Fiveguineasanightandmydinner。
IwritelettersblatantOnmedicinespatent—
Anduseanyotheryoumustn’t;
AndvowmycomplexionDerivesitsperfectionFromsomebody’ssoap—whichitdoesn’t。
[THEDUKE。]
We’rereadyaswitnessToanyone’sfitnessTofillanyplaceorpreferment;
We’reofteninwaitingAtjunketFETING，Andsometimesattendaninterment。
Inshort，ifyou’dkindleThesparkofaswindle，Luresimpletonsintoyourclutches，Orhoodwinkadebtor，YoucannotdobetterThantrotoutaDukeoraDuchess！
Ballad:EheuFugaces—！
Theairischargedwithamatorynumbers—
Softmadrigals，anddreamylovers’lays。
Peace，peace，oldheart！WhywakenfromitsslumbersTheachingmemoryoftheold，olddays？
TimewaswhenLoveandIwerewellacquainted;
Timewaswhenwewalkedeverhandinhand;
Asaintlyyouth，withworldlythoughtuntainted，NonebetterlovedthanIinalltheland！
Timewas，whenmaidensofthenobleststation，Forsakingevenmilitarymen，Wouldgazeuponme，raptinadoration—
Ahme，Iwasafairyoungcuratethen！
HadIaheadache？sighedthemaidsassembled;
HadIacold？welledforththesilenttear;
DidIlookpale？thenhalfaparishtrembled;
AndwhenIcoughedallthoughttheendwasnear！
Ihadnocare—nojealousdoubtshungo’erme—
ForIwaslovedbeyondallothermen。
Fledgildeddukesandbeltedearlsbeforeme—
Ahme，Iwasapaleyoungcuratethen！
Ballad:They’llNoneOf’EmBeMissedAssomedayitmayhappenthatavictimmustbefound，I’vegotalittlelist—I’vegotalittlelistOfsocialoffenderswhomightwellbeunderground，Andwhoneverwouldbemissed—whoneverwouldbemissed！
There’sthepestilentialnuisanceswhowriteforautographs—
Allpeoplewhohaveflabbyhandsandirritatinglaughs—
Allchildrenwhoareupindates，andflooryouwith’emflat—
Allpersonswhoinshakinghands，shakehandswithyoulikeTHAT—
AndallthirdpersonswhoonspoilingTETE—E—TETESinsist—
They’dnoneof’embemissed—they’dnoneof’embemissed！
There’stheniggerserenader，andtheothersofhisrace，Andthepianoorganist—I’vegothimonthelist！
Andthepeoplewhoeatpeppermintandpuffitinyourface，Theyneverwouldbemissed—theyneverwouldbemissed！
Thentheidiotwhopraises，withenthusiastictone，Allcenturiesbutthis，andeverycountrybuthisown;
Andtheladyfromtheprovinces，whodresseslikeaguy，Andwho\"doesn’tthinkshewaltzes，butwouldratherliketotry\";
AndthatFIN—DE—SIECLEanomaly，thescorchingmotorist—
Idon’tthinkhe’dbemissed—I’mSUREhe’dnotbemissed！
AndthatNISIPRIUSnuisance，whojustnowisratherrife，TheJudicialhumorist—I’vegotHIMonthelist！
Allfunnyfellows，comicmen，andclownsofprivatelife—
They’dnoneof’embemissed—they’dnoneof’embemissed！
Andapologeticstatesmenofthecompromisingkind，Suchas—What—d’ye—call—him—Thing’em—Bob，andlikewise—Never—
mind，And’St—’st—’st—andWhat’s—his—name，andalso—You—know—who—
（ThetaskoffillinguptheblanksI’dratherleavetoYOU！）
Butitreallydoesn’tmatterwhomyouputuponthelist，Forthey’dnoneof’embemissed—they’dnoneof’embemissed！
Ballad:GirlGraduatesTheyintendtosendawireTothemoon;
Andthey’llsettheThamesonfireVerysoon;
ThentheylearntomakesilkpursesWiththeirrigsFromtheearsofLADYCIRCE’S
Piggy—wigs。
AndweaselsattheirslumbersThey’lltrepan;
TogetsunbeamsfromcuCUMbersThey’veaplan。
They’veafirmlyrootednotionTheycancrossthePolarOcean，Andthey’llfindPerpetualMotionIftheycan！
ThesearethephenomenaThateveryprettydominaHopesthatweshallseeAtthisUniversitee！
Asforfashion，theyforswearit，Sotheysay，Andthecircle—theywillsquareitSomefineday;
Thenthelittlepigsthey’reteachingFortofly;
Andtheniggersthey’llbebleachingBy—and—by！
EachnewlyjoinedaspirantTotheclanMustrepudiatethetyrantKnownasMan;
Theymockathimandflouthim，Fortheydonotcareabouthim，Andthey’re\"goingtodowithouthim\"
Iftheycan！
ThesearethephenomenaThateveryprettydominaHopesthatweshallseeAtthisUniversitee！
Ballad:BraidTheRavenHairBraidtheravenhair，Weavethesuppletress，DeckthemaidenfairInherloveliness;
Painttheprettyface，Dyethecorallip，EmphasisethegraceOfherladyship！
Artandnature，thusallied，Gotomakeaprettybride！
Sitwithdowncasteye，Letitbrimwithdew;
Tryifyoucancry，Wewilldoso，too。
Whenyou’resummoned，startLikeafrightenedroe;
Flutter，littleheart，Colour，comeandgo！
ModestyatmarriagetideWellbecomesaprettybride！
Ballad:TheWorkingMonarchRisingearlyinthemorning，Weproceedtolightthefire，ThenourMajestyadorningInitswork—a—dayattire，WeembarkwithoutdelayOnthedutiesoftheday。
First，wepolishoffsomebatchesOfpoliticaldespatches，Andforeignpoliticianscircumvent;
Then，ifbusinessisn’theavy，WemayholdaRoyalLEVEE，OrratifysomeActsofParliament:
Thenweprobablyreviewthehouseholdtroops—
Withtheusual\"Shalloohumps\"and\"Shalloohoops！\"
OrreceivewithceremonialandstateAninterestingEasternPotentate。
AfterthatwegenerallyGoanddressourprivateVALET—
（It’sarathernervousduty—heatouchylittleman）—
WritesomelettersliteraryForourprivatesecretary—
（Heisshakyinhisspelling，sowehelphimifwecan。）
Then，inviewofcravingsinner，Wegodownandorderdinner;
OrwepolishtheRegaliaandtheCoronationPlate—
SpendanhourintitivatingAllourGentlemen—in—Waiting;
OrwerunonlittleerrandsfortheMinistersofState。
Oh，philosophersmaysingOfthetroublesofaKing，Yetthedutiesaredelightful，andtheprivilegesgreat;
ButtheprivilegeandpleasureThatwetreasurebeyondmeasureIstorunonlittleerrandsfortheMinistersofState！
Afterluncheon（makingmerryOnabunandglassofsherry），Ifwe’venothinginparticulartodo，WemaymakeaProclamation，OrreceiveaDeputation—
ThenwepossiblycreateaPeerortwo。
Thenwehelpafellow—creatureonhispathWiththeGarterortheThistleortheBath:
Orwedressandtoddleoffinsemi—StateToafestival，afunction，oraFETE。
ThenwegoandstandassentryAtthePalace（privateentry），Marchinghither，marchingthither，upanddownandtoandfro，WhilethewarriorondutyGoesinsearchofbeerandbeauty（Anditgenerallyhappensthathehasn’tfartogo）。
Herelievesus，ifhe’sable，Justintimetolaythetable。
Thenwedineandservethecoffee;andathalf—pasttwelveorone，Withapleasurethat’semphatic;
ThenweseekourlittleatticWiththegratifyingfeelingthatourdutyhasbeendone。
Oh，philosophersmaysingOfthetroublesofaKing，Butofpleasurestherearemanyandoftroublestherearenone;
AndtheculminatingpleasureThatwetreasurebeyondmeasureIsthegratifyingfeelingthatourdutyhasbeendone！
Ballad:TheApeAndTheLadyALADYfair，oflineagehigh，WaslovedbyanApe，inthedaysgoneby—
TheMaidwasradiantasthesun，TheApewasamostunsightlyone—
Soitwouldnotdo—
Hisschemefellthrough;
FortheMaid，whenhislovetookformalshape，ExpressedsuchterrorAthismonstrouserror，Thathestammeredanapologyandmadehis’scape，ThepictureofadisconcertedApe。
Withaviewtoriseinthesocialscale，Heshavedhisbristles，andhedockedhistail，Hegrewmoustachios，andhetookhistub，Andhepaidaguineatoatoiletclub。
Butitwouldnotdo，Theschemefellthrough—
FortheMaidwasBeauty’sfairestQueen，Withgoldentresses，Likearealprincess’s，WhiletheApe，despitehisrazorkeen，WastheapiestApethateverwasseen！
Heboughtwhiteties，andheboughtdresssuits，Hecrammedhisfeetintobrighttightboots，Andtostarthislifeonabrand—newplan，HechristenedhimselfDarwinianMan！
Butitwouldnotdo，Theschemefellthrough—
FortheMaidenfair，whomthemonkeycraved，WasaradiantBeing，Withabrainfar—seeing—
WhileaMan，howeverwell—behaved，Atbestisonlyamonkeyshaved！
Ballad:OnlyRosesToagardenfullofposiesComethonetogatherflowers;
AndhewandersthroughitsbowersToyingwiththewantonroses，Who，uprisingfromtheirbeds，HoldonhightheirshamelessheadsWiththeirprettylipsa—pouting，Neverdoubting—neverdoubtingThatforCythereanposiesHewouldgatheraughtbutroses。
Inanestofweedsandnettles，Layaviolet，halfhidden;
HopingthathisglanceunbiddenYetmightfalluponherpetals。
Thoughshelivedalone，apart，Hopelaynestlingatherheart，But，alas！thecruelawakingSetherlittlehearta—breaking，ForhegatheredforhisposiesOnlyroses—onlyroses！
Ballad:TheRover’sApologyOh，gentlemen，listen，Ipray;
ThoughIownthatmyhearthasbeenranging，OfnaturethelawsIobey，Fornatureisconstantlychanging。
Themooninherphasesisfound，Thetimeandthewindandtheweather，Themonthsinsuccessioncomeround，Andyoudon’tfindtwoMondaystogether。
Considerthemoral，Ipray，Norbringayoungfellowtosorrow，Wholovesthisyoungladyto—day，Andlovesthatyoungladyto—morrow！
Youcannoteatbreakfastallday。
Norisittheactofasinner，Whenbreakfastistakenaway，Toturnyourattentiontodinner;
Andit’snotintherangeofbeliefThatyoucouldholdhimasaglutton，Who，whenheistiredofbeef，Determinestotacklethemutton。
ButthisIamreadytosay，Ifitwilldiminishtheirsorrow，I’llmarrythisladyto—day，AndI’llmarrythatladyto—morrow！
Ballad:AnAppealOh！istherenotonemaidenbreastWhichdoesnotfeelthemoralbeautyOfmakingworldlyinterestSubordinatetosenseofduty？
WhowouldnotgiveupwillinglyAllmatrimonialambitionTorescuesuchaoneasI
Fromhisunfortunateposition？
Oh，istherenotonemaidenhere，WhosehomelyfaceandbadcomplexionHavecausedallhopestodisappearOfeverwinningman’saffection？
Tosuchaone，ifsuchtherebe，Iswearbyheaven’sarchaboveyou，Ifyouwillcastyoureyesonme，—
Howeverplainyoube—I’llloveyou！
Ballad:TheRewardOfMeritDR。BELVILLEwasregardedastheCRICHTONofhisage:
Histragedieswerereckonedmuchtoothoughtfulforthestage;
Hispoemsheldanoblerank，althoughit’sverytrueThat，beingveryproper，theywerereadbyveryfew。
HewasafamousPainter，too，andshoneuponthe\"line，\"
AndevenMR。RUSKINcameandworshippedathisshrine;
But，alas，theschoolhefollowedwasheroicallyhigh—
ThekindofArtmenraveabout，butveryseldombuy;
Andeverybodysaid\"Howcanheberepaid—
Thisverygreat—thisverygood—thisverygiftedman？\"
Butnobodycouldhituponapracticableplan！
HewasagreatInventor，anddiscovered，allalone，Aplanformakingeverybody’sfortunebuthisown;
For，inbusiness，anInventor’slittlebetterthanafool，Andmyhighly—giftedfriendwasnoexceptiontotherule。
Hispoems—peoplereadthemintheQuarterlyReviews—
Hispictures—theyengravedthemintheILLUSTRATEDNEWS—
Hisinventions—they，perhaps，mighthaveenrichedhimbydegrees，ButallhislittleincomewentinPatentOfficefees;
Andeverybodysaid\"Howcanheberepaid—
Thisverygreat—thisverygood—thisverygiftedman？\"
Butnobodycouldhituponapracticableplan！
Atlastthepointwasgivenupinabsolutedespair，Whenadistantcousindied，andhebecameamillionaire，WithacountyseatinParliament，amoorortwoofgrouse，AndatasteformakinginconvenientspeechesintheHouse！
THENitflasheduponBritanniathatthefittestofrewardsWas，totakehimfromtheCommonsandtoputhimintheLords！
Andwhosofittositinit，denyitifyoucan，Asthisverygreat—thisverygood—thisverygiftedman？
（ThoughI’mmorethanhalfafraidThatitsometimesmaybesaidThatwenevershouldhaverevelledinthatsourceofproperpride，Howevergreathismerits—ifhiscousinhadn’tdied！）
Ballad:TheMagnetAndTheChurnAMAGNEThunginahardwareshop，AndallaroundwasalovingcropOfscissorsandneedles，nailsandknives，Offeringloveforalltheirlives;
ButforirontheMagnetfeltnowhim，Thoughhecharmediron，itcharmednothim，Fromneedlesandnailsandkniveshe’dturn，Forhe’dsethisloveonaSilverChurn！
Hismostaesthetic，VerymagneticFancytookthisturn—
\"IfIcanwheedleAknifeorneedle，WhynotaSilverChurn？\"
AndIronandSteelexpressedsurprise，Theneedlesopenedtheirwell—drilledeyes，Thepen—knivesfelt\"shutup，\"nodoubt，Thescissorsdeclaredthemselves\"cutout，\"
Thekettlestheyboiledwithrage，’tissaid，Whileeverynailwentoffitshead，Andhitherandthitherbegantoroam，Tillahammercameup—anddroveithome，WhilethismagneticPeripateticLoverhelivedtolearn，Bynoendeavour，CanMagneteverAttractaSilverChurn！
Ballad:TheFamilyFoolOh！aprivatebuffoonisalight—heartedloon，Ifyoulistentopopularrumour;
Frommorningtonighthe’ssojoyousandbright，Andhebubbleswithwitandgoodhumour！
He’ssoquaintandsoterse，bothinproseandinverse;
Yetthoughpeopleforgivehistransgression，ThereareoneortworulesthatallFamilyFoolsMustobserve，iftheylovetheirprofession。
Thereareoneortworules，Half—a—dozen，maybe，Thatallfamilyfools，Ofwhateverdegree，Mustobserveiftheylovetheirprofession。
Ifyouwishtosucceedasajester，you’llneedToconsidereachperson’sauricular:
WhatisallrightforBwouldquitescandaliseC
（ForCissoveryparticular）;
AndDmaybedull，andE’sverythickskullIsasemptyofbrainsasaladle;
WhileFisFsharp，andwillcrywithacarp，Thathe’sknownyourbestjokefromhiscradle！
Whenyourhumourtheyflout，Youcan’tletyourselfgo;
AnditDOESputyououtWhenapersonsays，\"Oh！
Ihaveknownthatoldjokefrommycradle！\"
Ifyourmasterissurly，fromgettingupearly（Andtempersareshortinthemorning），AninopportunejokeisenoughtoprovokeHimtogiveyou，atonce，amonth’swarning。
Thenifyourefrain，heisatyouagain，Forhelikestogetvalueformoney:
He’llaskthenandthere，withaninsolentstare，\"Ifyouknowthatyou’repaidtobefunny？\"
ItaddstothetasksOfamerryman’splace，Whenyourprincipalasks，Withascowlonhisface，Ifyouknowthatyou’repaidtobefunny？
ComesaBishop，maybe，orasolemnD。D。—
Oh，bewareofhisangerprovoking！
Betternotpullhishair—don’tstickpinsinhischair;
Hewon’tunderstandpracticaljoking。
Ifthejeststhatyoucrackhaveanorthodoxsmack，Youmaygetablandsmilefromthesesages;
Butshouldit，bychance，beimportedfromFrance，Half—a—crownisstoppedoutofyourwages！
It’sageneralrule，Thoughyourzealitmayquench，IftheFamilyFoolMakesajokethat’sTOOFrench，Half—a—crownisstoppedoutofhiswages！
Thoughyourheaditmayrackwithabiliousattack，Andyoursenseswithtoothacheyou’relosing，Andyou’remopyandflat—theydon’tfineyouforthatIfyou’reproperlyquaintandamusing！
Thoughyourwiferanawaywithasoldierthatday，Andtookwithheryourtrifleofmoney;
Blessyourheart，theydon’tmind—they’reexceedinglykind—
Theydon’tblameyou—aslongasyou’refunny！
