It’sacomforttofeelIfyourpartnershouldflit，ThoughYOUsufferadeal，THEYdon’tminditabit—
Theydon’tblameyou—solongasyou’refunny！
Ballad:SansSouciIcannottellwhatthislovemaybeThatcomethtoallbutnottome。
Itcannotbekindasthey’dimply，Orwhydothesegentleladiessigh？
Itcannotbejoyandrapturedeep，Orwhydothesegentleladiesweep？
Itcannotbeblissful，as’tissaid，Orwhyaretheireyessowondrousred？
Ifloveisathorn，theyshownowitWhofoolishlyhugandfosterit。
Ifloveisaweed，howsimpletheyWhogatherandgatherit，daybyday！
Ifloveisanettlethatmakesyousmart，Whydoyouwearitnextyourheart？
Andifitbeneitherofthese，sayI，Whydoyousitandsobandsigh？
Ballad:ARecipeTakeapairofsparklingeyes，Hidden，everandanon，Inamercifuleclipse—
Donotheedtheirmildsurprise—
HavingpassedtheRubicon。
Takeapairofrosylips;
Takeafiguretrimlyplanned—
Suchasadmirationwhets（Beparticularinthis）;
Takeatenderlittlehand，Fringedwithdaintyfingerettes，Pressit—inparenthesis;—
Takeallthese，youluckyman—
Takeandkeepthem，ifyoucan。
Takeaprettylittlecot—
Quiteaminiatureaffair—
Hungaboutwithtrellisedvine，FurnishituponthespotWiththetreasuresrichandrareI’veendeavouredtodefine。
Livetoloveandlovetolive—
Youwillripenatyourease，Growingonthesunnyside—
Fatehasnothingmoretogive。
You’readaintymantopleaseIfyouarenotsatisfied。
Takemycounsel，happyman:
Actuponit，ifyoucan！
Ballad:TheMerrymanAndHisMaid[HE]Ihaveasongtosing，O！
[SHE]Singmeyoursong，O！
[HE]ItissungtothemoonByalove—lornloon，Whofledfromthemockingthrong，O！
It’sthesongofamerryman，mopingmum，Whosesoulwassad，whoseglancewasglum，Whosippednosup，andwhocravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye。
Heighdy！heighdy！
Miseryme—lackadaydee！
Hesippednosup，andhecravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
[SHE]Ihaveasongtosing，O！
[HE]Singmeyoursong，O！
[SHE]ItissungwiththeringOfthesongmaidssingWholovewithalovelife—long，O！
It’sthesongofamerrymaid，peerlyproud，Wholovedalord，andwholaughedaloudAtthemoanofthemerryman，mopingmum，Whosesoulwassore，whoseglancewasglum，Whosippednosup，andwhocravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
Heighdy！heighdy！
Miseryme—lackadaydee！
Hesippednosup，andhecravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
[HE]Ihaveasongtosing，O！
[SHE]Singmeyoursong，O！
[HE]ItissungtotheknellOfachurchyardbell，Andadolefuldirge，dingdong，O！
It’sasongofapopinjay，bravelyborn，WhoturneduphisnoblenosewithscornAtthehumblemerrymaid，peerlyproud，Wholovedthatlord，andwholaughedaloudAtthemoanofthemerryman，mopingmum，Whosesoulwassad，whoseglancewasglum，Whosippednosup，andwhocravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
Heighdy！heighdy！
Miseryme—lackadaydee！
Hesippednosup，andhecravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
[SHE]Ihaveasongtosing，O！
[HE]Singmeyoursong，O！
[SHE]ItissungwithasighAndatearintheeye，Forittellsofarightedwrong，O！
It’sasongofamerrymaid，oncesogay，WhoturnedonherheelandtrippedawayFromthepeacockpopinjay，bravelyborn，WhoturneduphisnoblenosewithscornAtthehumbleheartthathedidnotprize;
Andittellshowshebegged，withdowncasteyes，Fortheloveofamerryman，mopingmum，Whosesoulwassad，whoseglancewasglum，Whosippednosup，andwhocravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
[BOTH]Heighdy！heighdy！
Miseryme—lackadaydee！
Hispainswereo’er，andhesighednomore。
Forhelivedintheloveofaladye！
Ballad:TheSusceptibleChancellorThelawisthetrueembodimentOfeverythingthat’sexcellent。
Ithasnokindoffaultorflaw，AndI，mylords，embodytheLaw。
TheconstitutionalguardianI
OfprettyyoungWardsinChancery，Allveryagreeablegirls—andnoneIsovertheageoftwenty—one。
ApleasantoccupationforArathersusceptibleChancellor！
ButthoughthecomplimentimpliedInflatesmewithlegitimatepride，Itneverthelesscan’tbedeniedThatithasitsinconvenientside。
ForI’mnotsoold，andnotsoplain，AndI’mquitepreparedtomarryagain，Butthere’dbethedeucetopayintheLordsIfIfellinlovewithoneofmyWards:
Whichrathertriesmytemper，forI’mSUCHasusceptibleChancellor！
Andeveryonewho’dmarryaWardMustcometomeformyaccord:
SoinmycourtIsitallday，Givingagreeablegirlsaway，Withoneforhim—andoneforhe—
Andoneforyou—andoneforye—
Andoneforthou—andoneforthee—
Butnever，ohneveraoneforme！
Whichisexasperating，forAhighlysusceptibleChancellor！
Ballad:WhenAMerryMaidenMarriesWhenamerrymaidenmarries，Sorrowgoesandpleasuretarries;
Everysoundbecomesasong，Allisrightandnothing’swrong！
Fromto—dayandeverafterLetyourtearsbetearsoflaughter—
EverysighthatfindsaventBeasighofsweetcontent！
Whenyoumarrymerrymaiden，Thentheairwithloveisladen;
Everyflowerisarose，Everygoosebecomesaswan，EverykindoftroublegoesWherethelastyear’ssnowshavegone;
SunlighttakestheplaceofshadeWhenyoumarrymerrymaid！
WhenamerrymaidenmarriesSorrowgoesandpleasuretarries;
Everysoundbecomesasong，Allisright，andnothing’swrong。
GnawingCareandachingSorrow，Getyegoneuntilto—morrow;
Jealousiesingrimarray，Yearethingsofyesterday！
Whenyoumarrymerrymaiden，Thentheairwithjoyisladen;
AllthecornersoftheearthRingwithmusicsweetlyplayed，Worryismelodiousmirth，Griefisjoyinmasquerade;
Sullennightislaughingday—
AlltheyearismerryMay！
Ballad:TheBritishTarABritishtarisasoaringsoul，Asfreeasamountainbird，HisenergeticfistshouldbereadytoresistAdictatorialword。
Hisnoseshouldpantandhislipshouldcurl，Hischeeksshouldflameandhisbrowshouldfurl，Hisbosomshouldheaveandhisheartshouldglow，Andhisfistbeeverreadyforaknock—downblow。
Hiseyesshouldflashwithaninbornfire，Hisbrowwithscornberung;
Henevershouldbowdowntoadomineeringfrown，Orthetangofatyranttongue。
Hisfootshouldstampandhisthroatshouldgrowl，Hishairshouldtwirlandhisfaceshouldscowl;
Hiseyesshouldflashandhisbreastprotrude，Andthisshouldbehiscustomaryattitude！
Ballad:AManWhoWouldWooAFairMaidAmanwhowouldwooafairmaid，Should’prenticehimselftothetrade;
Andstudyallday，Inmethodicalway，Howtoflatter，cajole，andpersuade。
Heshould’prenticehimselfatfourteenAndpractisefrommorningtoe’en;
Andwhenhe’sofage，Ifhewill，I’llengage，Hemaycapturetheheartofaqueen！
Itispurelyamatterofskill，Whichallmayattainiftheywill:
ButeveryJackHemuststudytheknackIfhewantstomakesureofhisJill！
Ifhe’smadethebestuseofhistime，Histwighe’llsocarefullylimeThateverybirdWillcomedownathisword。
Whateveritsplumageandclime。
HemustlearnthatthethrillofatouchMaymeanlittle，ornothing，ormuch;
It’saninstrumentrare，Tobehandledwithcare，Andoughttobetreatedassuch。
Itispurelyamatterofskill，Whichallmayattainiftheywill:
ButeveryJack，HemuststudytheknackIfhewantstomakesureofhisJill！
Thenaglancemaybetimidorfree;
Itwillvaryinmightydegree，FromanimpudentstareToalookofdespairThatnomaidwithoutpitycansee。
Andaglanceofdespairisnoguide—
Itmayhaveitsridiculousside;
ItmaydrawyouatearOraboxontheear;
Youcanneverbesuretillyou’vetried。
Itispurelyamatterofskill，Whichallmayattainiftheywill:
ButeveryJackHemuststudytheknackIfhewantstomakesureofhisJill！
Ballad:TheSorcerer’sSongOh！mynameisJOHNWELLINGTONWELLS—
I’madealerinmagicandspells，Inblessingsandcurses，Andever—filledpurses，Inprophecies，witches，andknells！
Ifyouwantaproudfoeto\"maketracks\"—
Ifyou’dmeltarichuncleinwax—
You’vebuttolookinOnourresidentDjinn，Numberseventy，SimmeryAxe。
We’veafirst—classassortmentofmagic;
AndforraisingaposthumousshadeWitheffectsthatarecomicortragic，There’snocheaperhouseinthetrade。
Love—philtre—we’vequantitiesofit;
Andforknowledgeifanyoneburns，Wekeepanextremelysmallprophet，aprophetWhobringsusunboundedreturns:
ForhecanprophesyWithawinkOFhiseye，PeepwithsecurityIntofuturity，Sumupyourhistory，Clearupamystery，HumourproclivityForanativity。
Withmirrorssomagical，Tetrapodstragical，Bogiesspectacular，Answersoracular，Factsastronomical，Solemnorcomical，And，ifyouwantit，heMakesareductionontakingaquantity！
Oh！
Ifanyoneanythinglacks，He’llfinditallreadyinstacks，Ifhe’llonlylookinOntheresidentDjinn，Numberseventy，SimmeryAxe！
Hecanraiseyouhosts，Ofghosts，Andthatwithoutreflectors;
AndcreepythingsWithwings，Andgauntandgrislyspectres！
HecanfillyoucrowdsOfshrouds，Andhorrifyyouvastly;
HecanrackyourbrainsWithchains，Andgibberingsgrimandghastly。
Then，ifyouplanit，heChangesorganityWithanurbanity，FullofSatanity，VexeshumanityWithaninanityFataltovanity—
Drivingyourfoestothevergeofinsanity。
Barringtautology，Indemonology，’Lectrobiology，Mysticnosology，Spiritphilology，Highclassastrology，Suchishisknowledge，heIsn’tthemantorequireanapologyOh！
MynameisJOHNWELLINGTONWELLS，I’madealerinmagicandspells，Inblessingsandcurses，Andever—filledpurses—
Inprophecies，witches，andknells。
Ifanyoneanythinglacks，He’llfinditallreadyinstacks，Ifhe’llonlylookinOntheresidentDjinn，Numberseventy，SimmeryAxe！
Ballad:TheFickleBreezeSighingsoftlytotheriverComesthelovingbreeze，Settingnaturealla—quiver，Rustlingthroughthetrees！
AndthebrookinripplingmeasureLaughsforverylove，Whilethepoplars，intheirpleasure，Wavetheirarmsabove！
River，river，littleriver，Maythylovingprosperever。
Heavenspeedthee，poplartree，Maythywooinghappybe！
Yet，thebreezeisbutarover，Whenhewingsaway，Brookandpoplarmournalover！
Sighingwell—a—day！
Ah，thedoingandundoingThattheroguecouldtell！
Whenthebreezeisouta—wooing，Whocanwoosowell？
Prettybrook，thydreamisover，Forthyloveisbutarover！
Sadthelotofpoplartrees，Courtedbytheficklebreeze！
Ballad:TheFirstLord’sSongWhenIwasaladIservedatermAsofficeboytoanAttorney’sfirm;
IcleanedthewindowsandIsweptthefloor，AndIpolishedupthehandleofthebigfrontdoor。
Ipolishedupthathandlesosuccessfullee，ThatnowIamtheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
AsofficeboyImadesuchamarkThattheygavemethepostofajuniorclerk;
Iservedthewritswithasmilesobland，AndIcopiedallthelettersinabigroundhand。
Icopiedallthelettersinahandsofree，ThatnowIamtheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
InservingwritsImadesuchanameThatanarticledclerkIsoonbecame;
Iworecleancollarsandabrand—newsuitForthePassExaminationattheInstitute:
AndthatPassExaminationdidsowellforme，ThatnowIamtheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
OflegalknowledgeIacquiredsuchagripThattheytookmeintothepartnership，AndthatjuniorpartnershipIween，WastheonlyshipthatIeverhadseen:
Butthatkindofshipsosuitedme，ThatnowIamtheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
IgrewsorichthatIwassentByapocketboroughintoParliament;
IalwaysvotedatmyParty’scall，AndIneverthoughtofthinkingformyselfatall。
Ithoughtsolittle，theyrewardedme，BymakingmetheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
Now，landsmenall，whoeveryoumaybe，Ifyouwanttorisetothetopofthetree—
Ifyoursoulisn’tfetteredtoanofficestool，Becarefultobeguidedbythisgoldenrule—
StickclosetoyourdesksandNEVERGOTOSEA，AndyouallmaybeRulersoftheQueen’sNavee！
Ballad:WouldYouKnow？
WouldyouknowthekindofmaidSetsmyheartaflame—a？
Eyesmustbedowncastandstaid，Cheeksmustflushforshame—a！
Shemayneitherdancenorsing，But，demureineverything，HangherheadinmodestwayWithpoutinglipsthatseemtosay，\"Kissme，kissme，kissme，kissme，ThoughIdieofshame—a！\"
Pleaseyou，that’sthekindofmaidSetsmyheartaflame—a！
WhenamaidisboldandgayWithatonguegoesclang—a，Flauntingitinbravearray，Maidenmaygohang—a！
SunflowergayandhollyhockNevershallmygardenstock;
MinetheblushingroseofMay，Withpoutinglipsthatseemtosay\"Oh，kissme，kissme，kissme，kissme，ThoughIdieforshame—a！\"
Pleaseyou，that’sthekindofmaidSetsmyheartaflame—a！
Ballad:SpeculationComesatrainoflittleladiesFromscholastictrammelsfree，Eachalittlebitafraidis，Wonderingwhattheworldcanbe！
Isitbutaworldoftrouble—
Sadnesssettosong？
IsitsbeautybutabubbleBoundtobreakerelong？
AreitspalacesandpleasuresFantasiesthatfade？
AndthegloryofitstreasuresShadowofashade？
Schoolgirlswe，eighteenandunder，Fromscholastictrammelsfree，Andwewonder—howwewonder！—
Whatonearththeworldcanbe！
Ballad:AhMe！
Whenmaidenloves，shesitsandsighs，Shewanderstoandfro;
Unbiddentear—dropsfillhereyes，Andtoallquestionsshereplies，Withasadheigho！
’Tisbutalittleword—\"heigho！\"
Sosoft，’tisscarcelyheard—\"heigho！\"
Anidlebreath—
YetlifeanddeathMayhanguponamaid’s\"heigho！\"
Whenmaidenloves，shemopesapart，Asowlmopesonatree;
Althoughshekeenlyfeelsthesmart，Shecannottellwhatailsherheart，Withitssad\"Ahme！\"
’Tisbutafoolishsigh—\"Ahme！\"
Bornbuttodroopanddie—\"Ahme！\"
YetallthesenseOfeloquenceLieshiddeninamaid’s\"Ahme！\"
Ballad:TheDukeOfPlaza—ToroInenterpriseofmartialkind，Whentherewasanyfighting，Heledhisregimentfrombehind（Hefounditlessexciting）。
Butwhenawayhisregimentran，Hisplacewasatthefore，O—
Thatcelebrated，Cultivated，UnderratedNobleman，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
Inthefirstandforemostflight，ha，ha！
Youalwaysfoundthatknight，ha，ha！
Thatcelebrated，Cultivated，UnderratedNobleman，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
When，toevadeDestruction’shand，Tohidetheyallproceeded，NosoldierinthatgallantbandHidhalfaswellashedid。
Helayconcealedthroughoutthewar，Andsopreservedhisgore，O！
Thatunaffected，Undetected，WellconnectedWarrior，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
Ineverydoughtydeed，ha，ha！
Healwaystookthelead，ha，ha！
Thatunaffected，Undetected，WellconnectedWarrior，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
WhentoldthattheywouldallbeshotUnlesstheylefttheservice，Thatherohesitatednot，Somarvelloushisnerveis。
Hesenthisresignationin，Thefirstofallhiscorps，O！
Thatveryknowing，Overflowing，Easy—goingPaladin，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
Tomenofgrosserclay，ha，ha！
Healwaysshowedtheway，ha，ha！
Thatveryknowing，Overflowing，Easy—goingPaladin，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
Ballad:TheAestheteIfyou’reanxiousfortoshineinthehighaestheticline，asamanofculturerare，Youmustgetupallthegermsofthetranscendentalterms，andplantthemeverywhere。
Youmustlieuponthedaisiesanddiscourseinnovelphrasesofyourcomplicatedstateofmind（Themeaningdoesn’tmatterifit’sonlyidlechatterofatranscendentalkind）。
