第4章

Andeveryonewillsay，Asyouwalkyourmysticway，\"IfthisyoungmanexpresseshimselfintermstoodeepforME，Why，whataverysingularlydeepyoungmanthisdeepyoungmanmustbe！\" Beeloquentinpraiseoftheverydullolddayswhichhavelongsincepassedaway，Andconvince’em，ifyoucan，thatthereignofgoodQUEENANNEwasCulture’spalmiestday。 Ofcourseyouwillpooh—poohwhatever’sfreshandnew，anddeclareit’scrudeandmean，AndthatArtstoppedshortinthecultivatedcourtoftheEMPRESS JOSEPHINE。 Andeveryonewillsay，Asyouwalkyourmysticway，\"Ifthat’snotgoodenoughforhimwhichisgoodenoughforME，Why，whataverycultivatedkindofyouththiskindofyouthmustbe！\" Thenasentimentalpassionofavegetablefashionmustexciteyourlanguidspleen，AnattachmentELAPlatoforabashfulyoungpotato，oranot—too— FrenchFrenchbean。 ThoughthePhilistinesmayjostle，youwillrankasanapostleinthehighaestheticband，IfyouwalkdownPiccadillywithapoppyoralilyinyourmediaevalhand。 Andeveryonewillsay，Asyouwalkyourfloweryway，\"Ifhe’scontentwithavegetablelovewhichwouldcertainlynotsuitME，Why，whatamostparticularlypureyoungmanthispureyoungmanmustbe！\" Ballad:SaidIToMyself，SaidI WhenIwenttotheBarasaveryyoungman（SaidItomyself—saidI），I’llworkonanewandoriginalplan（SaidItomyself—saidI），I’llneverassumethatarogueorathiefIsagentlemanworthyimplicitbelief，Becausehisattorney，hassentmeabrief（SaidItomyself—saidI！） I’llneverthrowdustinajuryman’seyes（SaidItomyself—saidI），Orhoodwinkajudgewhoisnotover—wise（SaidItomyself—saidI），OrassumethatthewitnessessummonedinforceInExchequer，Queen’sBench，CommonPleas，orDivorce，Haveperjuredthemselvesasamatterofcourse（SaidItomyself—saidI！） EreIgointocourtIwillreadmybriefthrough（SaidItomyself—saidI），AndI’llnevertakeworkI’munabletodo（SaidItomyself—saidI）。 MylearnedprofessionI’llneverdisgraceBytakingafeewithagrinonmyface，WhenIhaven’tbeentheretoattendtothecase（SaidItomyself—saidI！） Inotherprofessionsinwhichmenengage（SaidItomyself—saidI），TheArmy，theNavy，theChurch，andtheStage，（SaidItomyself—saidI），Professionallicence，ifcarriedtoofar，Yourchanceofpromotionwillcertainlymar— AndIfancytherulemightapplytotheBar（SaidItomyself—saidI！） Ballad:SorryHerLotSorryherlotwholovestoowell，Heavytheheartthathopesbutvainly，SadarethesighsthatownthespellUtteredbyeyesthatspeaktooplainly; HeavythesorrowthatbowstheheadWhenLoveisaliveandHopeisdead！ SadisthehourwhensetstheSun— DarkisthenighttoEarth’spoordaughters，WhentothearktheweariedoneFliesfromtheemptywasteofwaters！ HeavythesorrowthatbowstheheadWhenLoveisaliveandHopeisdead！ Ballad:TheContemplativeSentryWhenallnightlongachapremainsOnsentry—go，tochasemonotonyHeexercisesofhisbrains，Thatis，assumingthathe’sgotany。 ThoughnevernurturedinthelapOfluxury，yetIadmonishyou，Iamanintellectualchap，Andthinkofthingsthatwouldastonishyou。 Ioftenthinkit’scomicalHowNaturealwaysdoescontriveThateveryboyandeverygal，That’sbornintotheworldalive，IseitheralittleLiberal，OrelsealittleConservative！ Fallalla！ WheninthathouseM。P。’sdivide，Ifthey’veabrainandcerebellum，too，They’vegottoleavethatbrainoutside，Andvotejustastheirleaderstell’emto。 ButthentheprospectofalotOfstatesmen，allincloseproximity，A—thinkingforthemselves，iswhatNomancanfacewithequanimity。 Thenlet’srejoicewithloudFallalThatNaturewiselydoescontriveThateveryboyandeverygal，That’sbornintotheworldalive，IseitheralittleLiberal，OrelsealittleConservative！ Fallalla！ Ballad:ThePhilosophicPillI’vewisdomfromtheEastandfromtheWest，That’ssubjecttonoacademicrule; Youmayfinditinthejeeringofajest，Ordistilitfromthefollyofafool。 Icanteachyouwithaquip，ifI’veamind; Icantrickyouintolearningwithalaugh; Oh，winnowallmyfolly，andyou’llfindAgrainortwooftruthamongthechaff！ Icansetabraggartquailingwithaquip，TheupstartIcanwitherwithawhim; Hemaywearamerrylaughuponhislip，Buthislaughterhasanechothatisgrim。 Whenthey’veofferedtotheworldinmerryguise，Unpleasanttruthsareswallowedwithawill— Forhewho’dmakehisfellow—creatureswiseShouldalwaysgildthephilosophicpill！ Ballad:BlueBloodSpurnnotthenoblybornWithloveaffected，NortreatwithvirtuousscornThewellconnected。 Highrankinvolvesnoshame— WeboastanequalclaimWithhimofhumblenameToberespected！ Blueblood！Blueblood！ Whenvirtuousloveissought，Thypowerisnaught，ThoughdatingfromtheFlood，Blueblood！ SpareusthebitterpainOfsterndenials，Norwithlow—borndisdainAugmentourtrials。 HeartsjustaspureandfairMaybeatinBelgraveSquareAsinthelowlyairOfSevenDials！ Blueblood！Blueblood！ OfwhatavailartthouToservemenow？ ThoughdatingfromtheFlood，Blueblood！ Ballad:TheJudge’sSongWhenI，goodfriends，wascalledtotheBar，I’danappetitefreshandhearty，ButIwas，asmanyyoungbarristersare，Animpecuniousparty。 I’daswallow—tailcoatofabeautifulblue— Abriefwhichwasbroughtbyabooby— Acoupleofshirtsandacollarortwo，Andaringthatlookedlikearuby！ InWestminsterHallIdancedadance，Likeasemi—despondentfury; ForIthoughtIshouldneverhitonachanceOfaddressingaBritishJury— ButIsoongottiredofthird—classjourneys，Anddinnersofbreadandwater; SoIfellinlovewitharichattorney’sElderly，uglydaughter。 Therichattorney，hewipedhiseyes，Andrepliedtomyfondprofessions: \"Youshallreaptherewardofyourenterprise，AttheBaileyandMiddlesexSessions。 You’llsoongetusedtoherlooks，\"saidhe，\"Andaverynicegirlyou’llfindher— Shemayverywellpassforforty—threeInthedusk，withalightbehindher！\" Therichattorneywasasgoodashisword: Thebriefscametroopinggaily，AndeverydaymyvoicewasheardAttheSessionsorAncientBailey。 AllthieveswhocouldmyfeesaffordReliedonmyorations，AndmanyaburglarI’verestoredTohisfriendsandhisrelations。 AtlengthIbecameasrichastheGURNEYS— AnincubusthenIthoughther，SoIthrewoverthatrichattorney’sElderly，uglydaughter。 TherichattorneymycharacterhighTriedvainlytodisparage— Andnow，ifyouplease，I’mreadytotryThisBreachofPromiseofMarriage！ Ballad:WhenIFirstPutThisUniformOnWhenIfirstputthisuniformon，Isaid，asIlookedintheglass，\"It’sonetoamillionThatanycivilianMyfigureandformwillsurpass。 Goldlacehasacharmforthefair，AndI’veplentyofthat，andtospare，Whilealover’sprofessions，WhenutteredinHessians，Areeloquenteverywhere！\" AfactthatIcountedupon，WhenIfirstputthisuniformon！ Isaid，whenIfirstputiton，\"ItisplaintotheveriestdunceThateverybeautyWillfeelitherdutyToyieldtoitsglamouratonce。 TheywillseethatI’mfreelygold—lacedInauniformhandsomeandchaste\"— ButtheperipateticsOflong—hairedaesthetics，Areverymuchmoretotheirtaste— WhichInevercounteduponWhenIfirstputthisuniformon！ Ballad:SolatiumComesthebrokenflower— Comesthecheatedmaid— Thoughthetempestlower，Rainandcloudwillfade！ Take，Omaid，theseposies: ThoughthybeautyrareShametheblushingroses，Theyarepassingfair！ Weartheflowerstilltheyfade; Happybethylife，Omaid！ O’ertheseasonvernal，Timemaycastashade; Sunshine，ifeternal，Makestherosesfade: Timemaydohisduty; Letthethiefalone— WinterhathabeautyThatisallhisown。 Fairestdaysaresunandshade: Happybethylife，Omaid！ Ballad:ANightmareWhenyou’relyingawakewithadismalheadache，andreposeistaboo’dbyanxiety，Iconceiveyoumayuseanylanguageyouchoosetoindulgeinwithoutimpropriety; Foryourbrainisonfire—thebedclothesconspireofusualslumbertoplunderyou: Firstyourcounterpanegoesanduncoversyourtoes，andyoursheetslipsdemurelyfromunderyou; Thentheblanketingtickles—youfeellikemixedpickles，soterriblysharpisthepricking，Andyou’rehot，andyou’recross，andyoutumbleandtosstillthere’snothing’twixtyouandtheticking。 Thenthebedclothesallcreeptothegroundinaheap，andyoupick’emallupinatangle; Nextyourpillowresignsandpolitelydeclinestoremainatitsusualangle！ Well，yougetsomereposeintheformofadoze，withhoteyeballsandheadeveraching，Butyourslumberingteemswithsuchhorribledreamsthatyou’dverymuchbetterbewaking; ForyoudreamyouarecrossingtheChannel，andtossingaboutinasteamerfromHarwich，Whichissomethingbetweenalargebathing—machineandaverysmallsecond—classcarriage; Andyou’regivingatreat（pennyiceandcoldmeat）toapartyoffriendsandrelations— They’rearavenoushorde—andtheyallcameonboardatSloaneSquareandSouthKensingtonStations。 Andboundonthatjourneyyoufindyourattorney（whostartedthatmorningfromDevon）; He’sabitundersized，andyoudon’tfeelsurprisedwhenhetellsyouhe’sonlyeleven。 Well，you’redrivinglikemadwiththissingularlad（bythebyetheship’snowafour—wheeler），Andyou’replayingroundgames，andhecallsyoubadnameswhenyoutellhimthat\"tiespaythedealer\"; Butthisyoucan’tstand，soyouthrowupyourhand，andyoufindyou’reascoldasanicicle，Inyourshirtandyoursocks（theblacksilkwithgoldclocks），crossingSalisburyPlainonabicycle: Andheandthecrewareonbicyclestoo—whichthey’vesomehoworotherinvestedin— Andhe’stellingthetarsalltheparticuLARSofacompanyhe’sinterestedin— It’saschemeofdevices，togetatlowprices，allgoodsfromcoughmixturestocables（Whichtickledthesailors）bytreatingretailers，asthoughtheywereallvegeTAbles— Yougetagoodspadesmantoplantasmalltradesman（firsttakeoffhisbootswithaboot—tree），Andhislegswilltakeroot，andhisfingerswillshoot，andthey’llblossomandbudlikeafruit—tree— Fromthegreengrocertreeyougetgrapesandgreenpea，cauliflower，pineapple，andcranberries，Whilethepastry—cookplantcherry—brandywillgrant—applepuffs，andthree—corners，andbanberries— Thesharesareapenny，andeversomanyaretakenbyROTHSCHILD andBARING，Andjustasafewareallottedtoyou，youawakewithashudderdespairing— You’rearegularwreck，withacrickinyourneck，andnowonderyousnore，foryourhead’sonthefloor，andyou’veneedlesandpinsfromyoursolestoyourshins，andyourfleshisa—creep，foryourleftleg’sasleep，andyou’vecrampinyourtoes，andaflyonyournose，andsomefluffinyourlung，andafeverishtongue，andathirstthat’sintense，andageneralsensethatyouhaven’tbeensleepinginclover; Butthedarknesshaspassed，andit’sdaylightatlast，andthenighthasbeenlong—ditto，dittomysong—andthankgoodnessthey’rebothofthemover！ Ballad:Don’tForget！ Now，Marco，dear，Mywisheshear: Whileyou’reawayIt’sunderstoodYouwillbegood，Andnottoogay。 ToeverytraceOfmaidengraceYouwillbeblind，AndwillnotglanceByanychanceOnwomankind！ Ifyouarewise，You’llshutyoureyesTillwearrive，AndnotaddressAladylessThanforty—five; You’llpleasetofrownOneverygownThatyoumaysee; AndO，mypet，Youwon’tforgetYou’vemarriedme！ O，mydarling，O，mypet，Whateverelseyoumayforget，Inyonderislebeyondthesea，O，don’tforgetyou’vemarriedme！ You’lllayyourheadUponyourbedAtsetofsun。 YouwillnotsingOfanythingToanyone: You’llsitandmopeAllday，Ihope，AndshedatearUponthelifeYourlittlewifeIspassinghere！ AndifsobeYouthinkofme，Pleasetellthemoon; I’llreaditallInraysthatfallOnthelagoon: You’llbesokindAstellthewindHowyoumaybe，AndsendmewordsBylittlebirdsTocomfortme！ AndO，mydarling，O，mypet，Whateverelseyoumayforget，Inyonderislebeyondthesea，O，don’tforgetyou’vemarriedme！ Ballad:TheSuicide’sGraveOnatreebyariveralittletomtitSang\"Willow，titwillow，titwillow！\" AndIsaidtohim，\"Dicky—bird，whydoyousitSinging’Willow，titwillow，titwillow’？ Isitweaknessofintellect，birdie？\"Icried，\"Orarathertoughworminyourlittleinside？\" Withashakeofhispoorlittleheadhereplied，\"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！\" Heslappedathischest，ashesatonthatbough，Singing\"Willow，titwillow，titwillow！\" Andacoldperspirationbespangledhisbrow，Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！ Hesobbedandhesighed，andagurglehegave，Thenhethrewhimselfintothebillowywave，Andanechoarosefromthesuicide’sgrave— \"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！\" NowIfeeljustassureasI’msurethatmynameIsn’tWillow，titwillow，titwillow，That’twasblightedaffectionthatmadehimexclaim，\"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！\" Andifyouremaincallousandobdurate，I Shallperishashedid，andyouwillknowwhy，ThoughIprobablyshallnotexclaimasIdie，\"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！\" Ballad:HeAndShe[HE。]Iknowayouthwholovesalittlemaid— （Hey，buthisfaceisasightfortosee！） Silentishe，forhe’smodestandafraid— （Hey，buthe’stimidasayouthcanbe！） [SHE。]Iknowamaidwholovesagallantyouth— （Hey，butshesickensasthedaysgoby！） SHEcannottellhimallthesad，sadtruth— （Hey，butIthinkthatlittlemaidwilldie！） [BOTH。]Nowtellmepray，andtellmetrue，Whatintheworldshouldthepoorsouldo？ [HE。]Hecannoteatandhecannotsleep— （Hey，buthisfaceisasightfortosee！） Dailyhegoesfortowail—fortoweep— （Hey，buthe’swretchedasayouthcanbe！） [SHE。]She’sverythinandshe’sverypale— （Hey，butshesickensasthedaysgoby！） Dailyshegoesfortoweep—fortowail— （Hey，butIthinkthatlittlemaidwilldie！） [BOTH。]Nowtellmepray，andtellmetrue，Whatintheworldshouldthepoorsouldo？ [SHE。]IfIweretheyouthIshouldofferhermyname— （Hey，butherfaceisasightfortosee！） [HE。]IfIwerethemaidIshouldfanhishonestflame— （Hey，buthe’sbashfulasayouthcanbe！） [SHE。]IfIweretheyouthIshouldspeaktoherto—day— （Hey，butshesickensasthedaysgoby！） [HE。]IfIwerethemaidIshouldmeettheladhalfway— （ForIreallydobelievethattimidyouthwilldie！） [BOTH。]Ithankyoumuchforyourcounseltrue; I’velearntwhatthatpoorsouloughttodo！ Ballad:TheMightyMustComemightyMust！ InevitableShall！ IntheeItrust。 Timeweavesmycoronal！ GomockingIs！ GodisappointingWas！ ThatIamthisYearethecursedcause！ YethumbleSecondshallbeFirst，Iween; AnddeadandburiedbethecurstHasBeen！ OhweakMightBe！ OhMay，Might，Could，Would，Should！ HowpowerlessyeForevilorforgood！ IneverysenseYourmoodsIcheerlesscall，Whate’eryourtenseYeareImperfect，all！ YehavedeceivedthetrustI’veshownInye！ Away！TheMightyMustaloneShallbe！ Ballad:AMirageWereIthybride，ThenthewholeworldbesideWerenottoowideToholdmywealthoflove— WereIthybride！ UponthybreastMylovingheadwouldrest，AsonhernestThetenderturtle—dove— WereIthybride！ ThisheartofmineWouldbeoneheartwiththine，AndinthatshrineOurhappinesswoulddwell— WereIthybride！ AndalldaylongOurlivesshouldbeasong: Nogrief，nowrongShouldmakemyheartrebel— WereIthybride！ Thesilveryflute，Themelancholylute，Werenight—owl’shootTomylow—whisperedcoo— WereIthybride！ Theskylark’strillWerebutdiscordanceshrillTothesoftthrillOfwooingasI’dwoo— WereIthybride！ Therose’ssighWereasacarrion’scryTolullabySuchasI’dsingtothee— WereIthybride！ Afeather’spressWereleadenheavinessTomycaress。 Butthen，unhappily，I’mnotthybride！ Ballad:TheGhosts’HighNoonWhenthenightwindhowlsinthechimneycowls，andthebatinthemoonlightflies，Andinkyclouds，likefuneralshrouds，sailoverthemidnightskies— Whenthefootpadsquailatthenight—bird’swail，andblackdogsbaythemoon，Thenisthespectres’holiday—thenistheghosts’highnoon！ Asthesobofthebreezesweepsoverthetrees，andthemistslielowonthefen，Fromgreytombstonesaregatheredthebonesthatoncewerewomenandmen，Andawaytheygo，withamopandamow，totherevelthatendstoosoon，Forcockcrowlimitsourholiday—thedeadofthenight’shighnoon！ Andtheneachghostwithhisladye—toasttotheirchurchyardbedstakeflight，Withakiss，perhaps，onherlanternchaps，andagrislygrim\"goodnight\"; Tillthewelcomeknellofthemidnightbellringsforthitsjolliesttune，Andushersournexthighholiday—thedeadofthenight’shighnoon！ Ballad:TheHumaneMikadoAmorehumaneMikadoneverDidinJapanexist; Tonobodysecond，I’mcertainlyreckonedAtruephilanthropist。 ItismyveryhumaneendeavourTomake，tosomeextent，EachevilliverArunningriverOfharmlessmerriment。 MyobjectallsublimeIshallachieveintime— Toletthepunishmentfitthecrime— Thepunishmentfitthecrime; AndmakeeachprisonerpentUnwillinglyrepresentAsourceofinnocentmerriment— Ofinnocentmerriment！ Allprosydullsocietysinners，Whochatterandbleatandbore，AresenttohearsermonsFrommysticalGermansWhopreachfromtentofour: Theamateurtenor，whosevocalvillainiesAlldesiretoshirk，Shall，duringoff—hours，ExhibithispowersToMadameTussaud’swaxwork: Theladywhodyesachemicalyellow，Orstainshergreyhairpuce，Orpinchesherfigger，IsblackedlikeaniggerWithpermanentwalnutjuice: Theidiotwho，inrailwaycarriages，Scribblesonwindowpanes，WeonlysufferTorideonabufferInParliamentarytrains。 MyobjectallsublimeIshallachieveintime— Toletthepunishmentfitthecrime— Thepunishmentfitthecrime; AndmakeeachprisonerpentUnwillinglyrepresentAsourceofinnocentmerriment— Ofinnocentmerriment！