第5章

TheadvertisingquackwhoweariesWithtalesofcountlesscures，Histeeth，I’veenacted，ShallallbeextractedByterrifiedamateurs: Themusic—hallsingerattendsaseriesOfmassesandfuguesand\"ops\" ByBach，interwovenWithSpohrandBeethoven，AtclassicalMondayPops: ThebilliardsharpwhomanyonecatchesHisdoom’sextremelyhard— He’smadetodwellInadungeoncellOnaspotthat’salwaysbarred; AndthereheplaysextravagantmatchesInfitlessfinger—stalls，OnaclothuntrueWithatwistedcue，Andellipticalbilliardballs！ MyobjectallsublimeIshallachieveintime— Toletthepunishmentfitthecrime— Thepunishmentfitthecrime; AndmakeeachprisonerpentUnwillinglyrepresentAsourceofinnocentmerriment，Ofinnocentmerriment！ Ballad:WillowWaly！ [HE。]PRITHEE，prettymaiden—prithee，tellmetrue（Hey，butI’mdoleful，willow，willowwaly！） Haveyoue’eralovera—danglingafteryou？ Hey，willowwalyO！ IwouldfaindiscoverIfyouhavealover？ Hey，willowwalyO！ [SHE。]Gentlesir，myheartisfrolicsomeandfree— （Hey，buthe’sdoleful，willow，willowwaly！） NobodyIcareforcomesa—courtingme— Hey，willowwalyO！ NobodyIcareforComesa—courting—therefore，Hey，willowwalyO！ [HE。]Prithee，prettymaiden，willyoumarryme？ （Hey，butI’mhopeful，willow，willowwaly！） Imaysay，atonce，I’mamanofpropertee— Hey，willowwalyO！ Money，Idespiseit，Butmanypeopleprizeit，Hey，willowwalyO！ [SHE。]Gentlesir，althoughtomarryIdesign— （Hey，buthe’shopeful，willow，willowwaly！） AsyetIdonotknowyou，andsoImustdecline。 Hey，willowwalyO！ Toothermaidensgoyou— AsyetIdonotknowyou，Hey，willowwalyO！ Ballad:LifeIsLovelyAllTheYearWhenthebudsareblossoming，Smilingwelcometothespring，Loverschooseaweddingday— LifeisloveinmerryMay！ Springisgreen—Fallalla！ Summer’srose—Fallalla！ ItissadwhenSummergoes，Falla！ Autumn’sgold—Fallalla！ Winter’sgrey—Fallalla！ Winterstillisfaraway— Falla！ LeavesinAutumnfadeandfall; Winteristheendofall。 Springandsummerteemwithglee: Springandsummer，then，forme！ Falla！ IntheSpring—timeseedissown: IntheSummergrassismown: IntheAutumnyoumayreap: Winteristhetimeforsleep。 Springishope—Fallalla！ Summer’sjoy—Fallalla！ SpringandSummernevercloy，Falla！ Autumn，toil—Fallalla！ Winter，rest—Fallalla！ Winter，afterall，isbest— Falla！ Springandsummerpleasureyou，Autumn，ay，andwinter，too— Everyseasonhasitscheer; Lifeislovelyalltheyear！ Falla！ Ballad:TheUsher’sChargeNow，Jurymen，hearmyadvice— AllkindsofvulgarprejudiceIprayyousetaside: Withsternjudicialframeofmind— Frombiasfreeofeverykind，Thistrialmustbetried！ Oh，listentotheplaintiff’scase: Observethefeaturesofherface— Thebroken—heartedbride！ Condolewithherdistressofmind— Frombiasfreeofeverykind，Thistrialmustbetried！ Andwhenamidtheplaintiff’sshrieks，Theruffianlydefendantspeaks— Upontheotherside; WhatHEmaysayyouneednotmind— Frombiasfreeofeverykind，Thistrialmustbetried！ Ballad:TheGreatOakTreeTheregrewalittleflower’Neathagreatoaktree: Whenthetempest’gantolowerLittleheededshe: Noneedhadshetocower，Forshedreadednotitspower— ShewashappyinthebowerOfhergreatoaktree！ Singhey，Lackaday！ LetthetearsfallfreeFortheprettylittleflowerandthegreatoaktree！ Whenshefoundthathewasfickle，Wasthatgreatoaktree，Shewasinaprettypickle，Asshewellmightbe— Buthisgallantriesweremickle，ForDeathfollowedwithhissickle，AndhertearsbegantotrickleForhergreatoaktree！ Singhey，Lackaday！ LetthetearsfallfreeFortheprettylittleflowerandthegreatoaktree！ Saidshe，\"Helovedmenever，Didthatgreatoaktree，ButI’mneitherrichnorclever，Andsowhyshouldhe？ Butthoughfateourfortunessever，TobeconstantI’llendeavour，Ay，foreverandforever，Tomygreatoaktree！\" Singhey，Lackaday！ LetthetearsfallfreeFortheprettylittleflowerandthegreatoaktree！ Ballad:KingGoodheartTherelivedaKing，asI’vebeentoldInthewonder—workingdaysofold，Whenheartsweretwiceasgoodasgold，Andtwentytimesasmellow。 Goodtempertriumphedinhisface，AndinhishearthefoundaplaceForalltheerringhumanraceAndeverywretchedfellow。 WhenhehadRhenishwinetodrinkItmadehimverysadtothinkThatsome，atjunketoratjink，Mustbecontentwithtoddy: Hewishedallmenasrichashe（Andhewasrichasrichcouldbe），SotothetopofeverytreePromotedeverybody。 Ambassadorscroppeduplikehay，PrimeMinistersandsuchastheyGrewlikeasparagusinMay，AndDukeswerethreeapenny: LordChancellorswerecheapassprats，AndBishopsintheirshovelhatsWereplentifulastabbycats— Ifpossible，toomany。 OneverysideField—Marshalsgleamed，SmallbeerwereLords—Lieutenantsdeemed，WithAdmiralstheoceanteemed，Allroundhiswidedominions; AndPartyLeadersyoumightmeetIntwosandthreesineverystreetMaintaining，withnolittleheat，Theirvariousopinions。 ThatKing，althoughnoonedenies，Hisheartwasofabnormalsize，Yethe’dhaveactedotherwiseIfhehadbeenacuter。 Theendiseasilyforetold，WheneveryblessedthingyouholdIsmadeofsilver，orofgold，Youlongforsimplepewter。 WhenyouhavenothingelsetowearButclothofgoldandsatinsrare，Forclothofgoldyouceasetocare— Upgoesthepriceofshoddy: Inshort，whoeveryoumaybe，Tothisconclusionyou’llagree，Wheneveryoneissomebody，Thennoone’sanybody！ Ballad:SleepOn！ Fearnounlicensedentry，Heednobombastictalk，WhileguardstheBritishSentryPallMallandBirdcageWalk。 LetEuropeanthundersOccasionnoalarms，ThoughdiplomaticblundersMaycauseacry\"Toarms！\" Sleepon，yepalecivilians; Allthunder—cloudsdefy: OnEurope’scountlessmillionsTheSentrykeepshiseye！ Shouldforeign—bornrapscallionsInLondondaretoshowTheirovergrownbattalions，BesureI’llletyouknow。 ShouldRussiansorNorwegiansPolluteourfavouredclimeWithroughbarbariclegions，I’llmentionitintime。 Sosleepinpeace，civilians，TheContinentdefy; WhileonitscountlessmillionsTheSentrykeepshiseye！ Ballad:TheLove—SickBoyWhenfirstmyold，oldloveIknew，Mybosomwelledwithjoy; MyrichesatherfeetIthrew; Iwasalove—sickboy！ NotermsseemedtooextravagantUponhertoemploy— Iusedtomope，andsigh，andpant，Justlikealove—sickboy！ Butjoyincessantpallsthesense; Andloveunchangedwillcloy，AndshebecameaboreintenseUntoherlove—sickboy？ Withfitfulglimmerburntmyflame，AndIgrewcoldandcoy，Atlast，onemorning，IbecameAnother’slove—sickboy！ Ballad:PoetryEverywhereWhattimethepoethathhymnedThewrithingmaid，lithe—limbed，Quiveringonamaranthineasphodel，Howcanhepaintherwoes，Knowing，aswellheknows，Thatallcanbesetrightwithcalomel？ Whenfromthepoet’splinthTheamorouscolocynthYearnsforthealoe，faintwithrapturousthrills，HowcanhehymntheirthroesKnowing，aswellheknows，Thattheyareonlyuncompoundedpills？ Isit，andcanitbe，Naturehaththisdecree，Nothingpoeticintheworldshalldwell？ OrthatinallherworksSomethingpoeticlurks，Evenincolocynthandcalomel？ Ballad:HeLoves！ Heloves！IfinthebygoneyearsThineeyeshaveevershedTears—bitter，unavailingtears，Foroneuntimelydead— IfintheeventideoflifeSadthoughtsofherarise，ThenletthememoryofthywifePleadformyboy—hedies！ Hedies！IffondlylaidasideInsomeoldcabinet，Memorialsofthylong—deadbrideLie，dearlytreasuredyet，Thenletherhallowedbridaldress— Herlittledaintygloves— Herwitheredflowers—herfadedtress— Pleadformyboy—heloves！ Ballad:TrueDiffidenceMyboy，youmaytakeitfromme，ThatofalltheafflictionsaccurstWithwhichaman’ssaddledAndhamperedandaddled，Adiffidentnature’stheworst。 Thoughcleverasclevercanbe— ACrichtonofearlyromance— Youmuststiritandstumpit，Andblowyourowntrumpet，Or，trustme，youhaven’tachance。 Nowtake，forexample，MYcase: I’veabrightintellectualbrain— InallLondoncityThere’snoonesowitty— I’vethoughtsoagainandagain。 I’veahighlyintelligentface— Myfeaturescannotbedenied— But，whateverItry，sir，Ifailin—andwhy，sir？ I’mmodestypersonified！ Asapoet，I’mtenderandquaint— I’vepassionandfervourandgrace— FromOvidandHoraceToSwinburneandMorris，Theyallofthemtakeabackplace。 ThenIsingandIplayandIpaint; ThoughnoneareaccomplishedasI，Tosaysoweretreason: Youaskmethereason？ I’mdiffident，modest，andshy！ Ballad:TheTangledSkeinTrywelife—long，wecanneverStraightenoutlife’stangledskein，Whyshouldwe，invainendeavour，Guessandguessandguessagain？ Life’sapuddingfullofplumsCare’sacankerthatbenumbs。 WhereforewasteourelocutionOnimpossiblesolution？ Life’sapleasantinstitution，Letustakeitasitcomes！ Setasidethedullenigma，Weshallguessitalltoosoon; Failurebringsnokindofstigma— Dancewetoanothertune！ Stringthelyreandfillthecup，Lestonsorrowweshouldsup; HopandskiptoFancy’sfiddle，Handsacrossanddownthemiddle— Life’sperhapstheonlyriddleThatweshrinkfromgivingup！ Ballad:MyLadyBedeckedinfashiontrim，Witheverycurla—quiver; Orleaping，lightoflimb，O’errivuletandriver; Orskippingo’ertheleaOndaffodilanddaisy; Orstretchedbeneathatree，Alllanguishingandlazy; Whateverbehermood— BeshedemurelyprudeOrlanguishinglylazy— Myladydrivesmecrazy！ Invainherheartiswooed，Whateverbehermood！ WhatprofitshouldIgainSupposeshelovedmedearly？ HercoldnessturnsmybrainToVERGEofmadnessmerely。 Herkiss—though，Heavenknows，Todreamofitweretreason— Wouldtend，asIsuppose，Toutterlossofreason！ Mystateisnotamiss; IwouldnothaveakissWhich，inoroutofseason，Mighttendtolossofreason: Whatprofitinsuchbliss？ Afigforsuchakiss！ Ballad:OneAgainstTheWorldIt’smyopinion—thoughIownInthinkingsoI’mquitealone— InsomerespectsI’mbutafright。 YOUlikemyfeatures，Isuppose？ I’Mdisappointedwithmynose: Someraveaboutit—perhapsthey’reright。 Myfigurejustsetsoffafit; Butwhentheysayit’sexquisite（AndtheyDOsayso），that’stoostrong。 IhopeI’mnotwhatpeoplecallOpinionated！Afterall，I’mbutagoose，andmaybewrong！ WhencharmsenthralThere’ssomeexcuseFormeasuresstrong; AndafterallI’mbutagoose，Andmaybewrong！ Myteethareveryneat，nodoubt; ButafteralltheyMAYfallout: Ithinktheywill—somethinktheywon’t。 Myhandsaresmall，asyoumaysee，Butnotassmallastheymightbe，Atleast，Ithinkso—othersdon’t。 Butthere，agirlmaypreachandprateFrommorningsixtoeveningeight，Andneverstoptodine，Whenalltheworld，althoughmisled，Isquiteagreedonanyhead— Anditisquiteagreedonmine！ Allsaidanddone，It’slittleI Againstathrong。 I’monlyone，AndpossiblyImaybewrong！ Ballad:PutAPennyInTheSlotIfmyaction’sstiffandcrude，Donotlaugh，becauseit’srude。 Ifmygesturespromiselarks，Donotmakeunkindremarks。 ClockworkfiguresmaybefoundEverywhereandallaround。 Tentoone，ifIbutknew，Youareclockworkfigurestoo。 Andthemottoofthelot，\"Putapennyintheslot！\" Usurer，formoneylent，Makingouthiscentpercent— Widowplumpormaidenrare，Deafanddumbtosuitor’sprayer— Taxcollectors，whominvainYouimploreto\"callagain\"— Cautiousvoter，whomyoufindSlowinmakinguphismind— Ifyou’dmovethemonthespot，Putapennyintheslot！ Blandreportersinthecourts，Whosuppresspolicereports— Sheriff’syeoman，peninfist，Makingoutajurylist— Sternpolicemen，tallandspare，Actingall\"uponthesquare\"— （Whichinwordsthatplainerfall，Meansthatyoucansquarethemall）— Ifyouwanttomovethelot，Putapennyintheslot！ Ballad:GoodLittleGirlsAlthoughofnativemaidsthecream，We’rebroughtupontheEnglishscheme— ThebestofallForgreatandsmallWhomodestyadore。 ForEnglishgirlsaregoodasgold，Extremelymodest（sowe’retold），Demurelycoy—divinelycold— Andwearethat—andmore。 Topleasepapa，whoarguesthus— Allgirlsshouldmouldthemselvesonus，Becauseweare，Byfurlongsfar，Thebestofallthebunch; WeshowourselvestoloudapplauseFromtentofourwithoutapause— WhichisanawkwardtimebecauseItcutsintoourlunch。 Oh，maidsofhighandlowdegree，Whosesocialcodeisratherfree，PleaselookatusandyouwillseeWhatgoodyoungladiesoughttobe！ Andaswestand，likeclockworktoys，AlecturerpapaemploysTopuffandpraiseOurmodestwaysAndguilelesscharacter— Ourwell—knownblush—ourdowncasteyes— Ourfamouslookofmildsurprise（Whichcompetitionstilldefies）— Ourcelebrated\"Sir！！！\" ThenallthecrowdtakedownourlooksInpocketmemorandumbooks。 Todiagnose，OurmodestposeThekodaksdotheirbest: IfevidenceyouwouldpossessOfwhatismaidenbashfulness，Youonlyneedabuttonpress— AndWEdoalltherest。 Ballad:LifeFirstyou’reborn—andI’llbeboundyouFindadozenstrangersroundyou。 \"Hallo，\"criesthenew—bornbaby，\"Where’smyparents？whichmaytheybe？\" Awkwardsilence—noreply— Puzzledbabywonderswhy！ Fatherrises，bowspolitely— Mothersmiles（butnottoobrightly）— Doctormumbleslikeadumbthing— Nurseisbusymixingsomething。— EverysymptomtendstoshowYou’redecidedlyDETROP— Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！he！ho！ho！ Time’steetotum，Ifyouspinit，GiveitsquotumOnceaminute: I’llgobailYouhitthenail，AndifyoufailThedeuceisinit！ Yougrowup，andyoudiscoverWhatitistobealover。 Someyoungladyisselected— Poor，perhaps，butwell—connected，Whomyouhail（forLoveisblindAstheQueenofFairy—kind。 Thoughshe’splain—perhapsunsightly，Makesherfaceup—lacestightly，InherformyourfancytracesAllthegiftsofallthegraces。 Rivalsnonethemaidenwoo，Soyoutakeherandshetakesyou！ Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ Jokebeginning，Neverceases，TillyourinningTimereleases; OnyourwayYoublindlystray，AnddaybydayThejokeincreases！ Tenyearslater—Timeprogresses— Soursyourtemper—thinsyourtresses; Fancy，then，herchainrelaxes; Ratesarefactsandsoaretaxes。 FairyQueen’snolongeryoung— FairyQueenhassuchatongue！ Twinshaveprobablyintruded— Quiteunbidden—justasyoudid; They’reasourceofcareandtrouble— Justasyouwere—onlydouble。 Comesatlastthefinalstroke— Timehashadhislittlejoke！ Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ Dailydriven（Wifeasdrover） Illyou’vethriven— Ne’erinclover: Lastly，whenThreescoreandten（Andnottillthen），Thejokeisover！ Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ Then—andthenThejokeisover！ Ballad:LimitedLiabilitySomesevenmenformanAssociation（Ifpossible，allPeersandBaronets），TheystartoffwithapublicdeclarationTowhatextenttheymeantopaytheirdebts。 That’scalledtheirCapital:iftheyarewaryTheywillnotquoteitatasumimmense。 Thefigure’simmaterial—itmayvaryFromeighteenmilliondowntoeighteenpence。 Ishouldputitratherlow; ThegoodsenseofdoingsoWillbeevidentatoncetoanydebtor。 Whenit’slefttoyoutosayWhatamountyoumeantopay，Why，theloweryoucanputitat，thebetter。 Theythenproceedtotradewithallwho’lltrust’em，Quiteirrespectiveoftheircapital（It’sshady，butit’ssanctifiedbycustom）; Bank，Railway，Loan，orPanamaCanal。 Youcan’tembarkontradingtootremendous— It’sstrictlyfair，andbasedoncommonsense— Ifyousucceed，yourprofitsarestupendous— Andifyoufail，popgoesyoureighteenpence。 Makethemoney—spinnerspin！ Foryouonlystandtowin，Andyou’llneverwithdishonestybetwitted。 Fornobodycanknow，Toamillionorso，Towhatextentyourcapital’scommitted！ Ifyoucometogrief，andcreditorsarecraving（FornothingthatisplannedbymortalheadIscertaininthisValeofSorrow—savingThatone’sLiabilityisLimited），— Doyousupposethatsignifiesperdition？ Ifsoyou’rebutamonetarydunce— YoumerelyfileaWinding—UpPetition，AndstartanotherCompanyatonce！ ThoughaRothschildyoumaybeInyourowncapacity，AsaCompanyyou’vecometouttersorrow— ButtheLiquidatorssay，\"Nevermind—youneedn’tpay，\" SoyoustartanotherCompanyto—morrow！ Ballad:AnglicisedUtopiaSocietyhasquiteforsakenallherwickedcourses，Whichemptiesourpolicecourts，andabolishesdivorces。 （DivorceisnearlyobsoleteinEngland。） Notoleranceweshowtoundeservingrankandsplendour; Forthehigherhispositionis，thegreatertheoffender。 （That’samaximthatisprevalentinEngland。） NoPeeressatourDrawing—RoombeforethePresencepassesWhowouldn’tbeacceptedbythelower—middleclasses; Eachshadydame，whateverbeherrank，isbowedoutneatly。 Inshort，thishappycountryhasbeenAnglicisedcompletely！ ItreallyissurprisingWhatathoroughAnglicisingWe’vebroughtabout—Utopia’squiteanotherland; Inherenterprisingmovements，SheisEngland—withimprovements，Whichwedutifullyoffertoourmother—land！ Ourcitywehavebeautified—we’vedoneitwilly—nilly— Andallthatisn’tBelgraveSquareisStrandandPiccadilly。 （Theyhaven’tanyslummeriesinEngland。） Wehavesolvedthelabourquestionwithdiscriminationpolished，Sopovertyisobsoleteandhungerisabolished— （TheyaregoingtoabolishitinEngland。） TheChamberlainournativestagehaspurged，beyondaquestion，Of\"risky\"situationandindelicatesuggestion; Nopieceistoleratedifit’scostumedindiscreetly— Inshort，thishappycountryhasbeenAnglicisedcompletely！ ItreallyissurprisingWhatathoroughAnglicisingWe’vebroughtabout—Utopia’squiteanotherland; Inherenterprisingmovements，SheisEngland—withimprovements，Whichwedutifullyoffertoourmother—land！ OurPeeragewe’veremodelledonanintellectualbasis，Whichcertainlyisroughonourhereditaryraces— （TheyaregoingtoremodelitinEngland。） TheBrewersandtheCottonLordsnolongerseekadmission，AndLiteraryMeritmeetswithproperrecognition— （AsLiteraryMeritdoesinEngland！） WhoknowsbutwemaycountamongourintellectualchickensLikethemanEarlofThackerayandp’rapsaDukeofDickens— LordFildesandViscountMillais（whentheycome）we’llwelcomesweetly— Andthen，thishappycountrywillbeAnglicisedcompletely！ ItreallyissurprisingWhatathoroughAnglicisingWe’vebroughtabout—Utopia’squiteanotherland; Inherenterprisingmovements，SheisEngland—withimprovements，Whichwedutifullyoffertoourmother—land！ Ballad:AnEnglishGirlAwonderfuljoyoureyestobless，Inhermagnificentcomeliness，IsanEnglishgirlofelevenstonetwo，Andfivefootteninherdancingshoe！ Shefollowsthehounds，andonshepounds— The\"field\"tailsoffandthemuffsdiminish— Overthehedgesandbrooksshebounds— Straightasacrow，fromfindtofinish。 Atcricket，herkinwillloseorwin— Sheandhermaids，ongrassandclover，Elevenmaidsout—elevenmaidsin— （Andperhapsanoccasional\"maidenover\"）。 Gosearchtheworldandsearchthesea，ThencomeyouhomeandsingwithmeThere’snosuchgoldandnosuchpearlAsabrightandbeautifulEnglishgirl！ Withaten—milespinshestretchesherlimbs，Shegolfs，shepunts，sherows，sheswims— Sheplays，shesings，shedances，too，Fromtenoreleventillallisblue！ Atballordrum，tillsmallhourscome（Chaperon’sfanconcealsheryawning），She’llwaltzawaylikeateetotum，Andnevergohometilldaylight’sdawning。 Lawntennismayshareherfavoursfair— Hereyesa—danceandhercheeksa—glowing— Downcomesherhair，butwhatdoesshecare？ It’sallherownandit’sworththeshowing！ Gosearchtheworldandsearchthesea，ThencomeyouhomeandsingwithmeThere’snosuchgoldandnosuchpearlAsabrightandbeautifulEnglishgirl！ Hersoulissweetastheoceanair，Forpruderyknowsnohaventhere; Tofindmock—modesty，pleaseapplyTotheconsciousblushandthedowncasteye。 Richinthethingscontentmentbrings，Ineverypureenjoymentwealthy，Blitheasabeautifulbirdshesings，Forbodyandmindarehaleandhealthy。 Hereyestheythrillwithrightgoodwill— Herheartislightasafloatingfeather— AspureandbrightasthemountainrillThatleapsandlaughsintheHighlandheather！ Gosearchtheworldandsearchthesea，ThencomeyouhomeandsingwithmeThere’snosuchgoldandnosuchpearlAsabrightandbeautifulEnglishgirl！ Ballad:AManager’sPerplexitiesWereIakinginverytruth，Andhadason—aguilelessyouth— Inprobablesuccession;