JOHN。——Verygood。Bringupabottleofthebrownhock？Helikesthebrownhock，Touchitdoes。[ExitJOHN。]
EnterChildren。TheyruntoMILLIKEN。
BOTH。——Howd’youdo，Papa！Howdoyoudo，Papa！
MILLIKEN。——Kissyouroldfather，Arabella。Comehere，George——
What？
GEORGE。——Don’tcareforkissing——kissing’sforgals。HaveyoubroughtmethatbatfromLondon？
MILLIKEN。——Yes。Here’sthebat;andhere’stheball[takesonefrompocket]——and——
GEORGE。——Where’sthewickets，Papa。O—o—o——where’sthewickets？
[howls。]
MILLIKEN。——Mydear，darlingboy！Ileftthemattheoffice。WhatasillypapaIwastoforgetthem！Parkinsforgotthem。
GEORGE。——Thenturnhimaway，Isay！Turnhimaway！[Hestamps。]
MILLIKEN。——What！anold，faithfulclerkandservantofyourfatherandgrandfatherforthirtyyearspast？Anoldman，wholovesusall，andhasnothingbutourpaytoliveon？
ARABELLA。——Oh，younaughtyboy！
GEORGE。——Iain’tanaughtyboy。
ARABELLA。——Youareanaughtyboy。
GEORGE。——He！he！he！he！[Grinsather。]
MILLIKEN。——Hush，children！Here，Arabelladarling，hereisabookforyou。Look——aren’ttheyprettypictures？
ARABELLA。——Isitastory，Papa？Idon’tcareforstoriesingeneral。Ilikesomethinginstructiveandserious。GrandmammaBonningtonandgrandpapasay——
GEORGE。——He’sNOTyourgrandpapa。
ARABELLA。——HeISmygrandpapa。
GEORGE。——Oh，yougreatstory！Look！look！there’sacab。[Runsout。TheheadofaHansomcabisseenoverthegarden—gate。Bellrings。Pagecomes。AltercationbetweenCabmanandCaptainTOUCHIT
appearstogoon，duringwhich]
MILLIKEN。——Comeandkissyouroldfather，Arabella。He’shungryforkisses。
ARABELLA。——Don’t。Iwanttogoandlookatthecab;andtotellCaptainTouchitthathemustn’tusenaughtywords。[Runstowardsgarden。Pageisseencarryingacarpet—bag。]
EnterTOUCHITthroughtheopenwindowsmokingacigar。
TOUCHIT。——Howd’yedo，Milliken？Howaretallows，hey，mynoblemerchant？Ihavebroughtmybag，andintendtosleep——
GEORGE。——Isay，godpapa——
TOUCHIT。——Well，godson！
GEORGE。——Giveusacigar！
TOUCHIT。——Oh，youenfantterrible！
MILLIKEN[wheezily]。——Ah——ahem——GeorgeTouchit！youwouldn’tmind——
a——smokingthatcigarinthegarden，wouldyou？Ah——ah！
TOUCHIT。——Hullo！What’sinthewindnow？Youusedtobeamostinveteratesmoker，Horace。
MILLIKEN。——Thefactis——mymother—in—law——LadyKicklebury——doesn’tlikeit，andwhileshe’swithus，youknow——
TOUCHIT。——Ofcourse，ofcourse[throwsawaycigar]。Ibegherladyship’spardon。Irememberwhenyouwerecourtingherdaughtersheusednottomindit。
MILLIKEN。——Don’t——don’talludetothosetimes。[Helooksupathiswife’spicture。]
GEORGE。——MymammawasaKicklebury。TheKickleburysaretheoldestfamilyinalltheworld。MynameisGeorgeKickleburyMilliken，ofPigeoncot，Hants;theGrove，Richmond，Surrey;andPortlandPlace，London，Esquire——mynameis。
TOUCHIT。——YouhaveforgottenBilliterStreet，hempandtallowmerchant。
GEORGE。——Oh，bother！Idon’tcareaboutthat。IshallleavethatwhenI’maman:whenI’mamanandcomeintomyproperty。
MILLIKEN。——Youcomeintoyourproperty？
GEORGE。——Ishall，youknow，whenyou’redead，Papa。Ishallhavethishouse，andPigeoncot;andthehouseintown——no，Idon’tmindaboutthehouseintown——andIshan’tletBellalivewithme——no，I
won’t。
BELLA。——No;Iwon’tlivewithYOU。AndI’LLhavePigeoncot。
GEORGE。——Youshan’thavePigeoncot。I’llhaveit:andtheponies:
andIwon’tletyouridethem——andthedogs，andyoushan’thaveevenapuppytoplaywithandthedairyandwon’tIhaveasmuchcreamasIlike——that’sall！
TOUCHIT。——Whatadarlingboy！Yourchildrenarebroughtupbeautifully，Milliken。It’squitedelightfultoseethemtogether。
GEORGE。——AndIshallsinkthenameofMilliken，Ishall。
MILLIKEN。——Sinkthename？why，George？
GEORGE。——BecausetheMillikensarenobodies——grandmammasaystheyarenobodies。TheKickleburysaregentlemen，andcameoverwithWilliamtheConqueror。
BELLA。——Iknowwhenthatwas。Onethousandonehundredandonethousandonehundredandonety—one！
GEORGE。——Botherwhentheycameover！ButIknowthis，whenIcomeintothepropertyIshallsinkthenameofMilliken。
MILLIKEN。——Soyouareashamedofyourfather’sname，areyou，George，myboy？
GEORGE。——Ashamed！No，Iain’tashamed。OnlyKickleburyissweller。Iknowitis。Grandmammasaysso。
BELLA。——MYgrandmammadoesnotsayso。MYdeargrandmammasaysthatfamilyprideissinful，andallbelongstothiswickedworld;
andthatinaveryfewyearswhatournamesarewillnotmatter。
GEORGE。——Yes，shesayssobecauseherfatherkeptashop;andsodidPa’sfatherkeepasortofshop——onlyPa’sagentlemannow。
TOUCHIT。——Darlingchild！HowIwishIweremarried！IfIhadsuchadearboyasyou，George，doyouknowwhatIwouldgivehim？
GEORGE[quitepleased]。——Whatwouldyougivehim，god—papa？
TOUCHIT。——Iwouldgivehimassoundafloggingaseverboyhad，mydarling。Iwouldwhipthisnonsenseoutofhim。Iwouldsendhimtoschool，whereIwouldpraythathemightbewellthrashed:andifwhenhecamehomehewasstillashamedofhisfather，Iwouldputhimapprenticetoachimney—sweep——that’swhatIwoulddo。
GEORGE。——I’mgladyou’renotmyfather，that’sall。
BELLA。——AndI’Mgladyou’renotmyfather，becauseyouareawickedman！
MILLIKEN。——Arabella！
BELLA。——Grandmammasaysso。Heisaworldlyman，andtheworldiswicked。Andhegoestotheplay:andhesmokes，andhesays——
TOUCHIT。——Bella，whatdoIsay？
BELLA。——Oh，somethingdreadful！Youknowyoudo！Iheardyousayittothecabman。
TOUCHIT。——SoIdid，soIdid！HeaskedmefifteenshillingsfromPiccadilly，andItoldhimtogoto——tosomebodywhosenamebeginswithaD。
CHILDREN。——Here’sanothercarriagepassing。
BELLA。——TheLadyRumble’scarriage。
GEORGE。——No，itain’t:it’sCaptainBoxer’scarriage[theyrunintothegarden]。
TOUCHIT。——Andthisisthepasstowhichyouhavebroughtyourself，HoraceMilliken！Why，inyourwife’stime，itwasbetterthanthis，mypoorfellow！
MILLIKEN。——Don’tspeakofherinTHATway，GeorgeTouchit！
TOUCHIT。——WhathaveIsaid？Iamonlyregrettingherlossforoursake。Shetyrannizedoveryou;turnedyourfriendsoutofdoors;
tookyournameoutofyourclubs;draggedyouaboutfrompartytoparty，thoughyoucannomoredancethanabear，andfromoperatoopera，thoughyoudon’tknow\"GodSavetheQueen\"from\"RuleBritannia。\"Youdon’t，sir;youknowyoudon’t。ButArabellawasbetterthanhermother，whohastakenpossessionofyousinceyourwidowhood。
MILLIKEN。——Mydearfellow！no，shehasn’t。There’sMYmother。
TOUCHIT。——Yes，tobesure，there’sMrs。Bonnington，andtheyquarreloveryoulikethetwoladiesoverthebabybeforeKingSolomon。
MILLIKEN。——Playthesatirist，mygoodfriend！laughatmyweakness！
TOUCHIT。——Iknowyoutobeaspluckyafellowaseverstepped，Milliken，whenaman’sinthecase。IknowyouandIstooduptoeachotherforanhourandahalfatWestminster。
MILLIKEN。——Thankyou！Wewerebothdragonsofwar！tremendouschampions！PerhapsIamalittlesoftasregardswomen。Iknowmyweaknesswellenough;butinmycasewhatismyremedy？Putyourselfinmyposition。Beawidowerwithtwoyoungchildren。
Whatismorenaturalthanthatthemotherofmypoorwifeshouldcomeandsuperintendmyfamily？Myownmothercan’t。Shehasahalf—dozenoflittlehalfbrothersandsisters，andahusbandofherowntoattendto。IdaresayMr。Bonningtonandmymotherwillcometodinnerto—day。
TOUCHIT。——Ofcoursetheywill，mypooroldMilliken，youdon’tdaretodinewithoutthem。
MILLIKEN。——Don’tgooninthatmanner，GeorgeTouchit！Whyshouldnotmystep—fatherandmymotherdinewithme？Icanaffordit。I
amadomesticmanandliketoseemyrelationsaboutme。Iaminthecityallday。
TOUCHIT。——Luckilyforyou。
MILLIKEN。——Andmypleasureofaneveningistositundermyownvineandundermyownfig—treewithmyownolive—branchesroundaboutme;tositbymyfirewithmychildrenatmyknees:tocozeoverasnugbottleofclaretafterdinnerwithafriendlikeyoutoshareit;toseetheyoungfolksatthebreakfast—tableofamorning，andtokissthemandsoofftobusinesswithacheerfulheart。Thiswasmyschemeinmarrying，haditpleasedheaventoprospermyplan。WhenIwasaboyandcamefromschoolandcollege，IusedtoseeMr。Bonnington，myfather—in—law，withHIS
youngonesclusteringroundabouthim，sohappytobewithhim！soeagertowaitonhim！alldownontheirlittlekneesroundmymotherbeforebreakfastorjumpinguponhisafterdinner。Itwaswhoshouldreachhishat，andwhoshouldbringhiscoat，andwhoshouldfetchhisumbrella，andwhoshouldgetthelastkiss。
TOUCHIT。——What？didn’thekissYOU？Oh，thehard—heartedoldogre！
MILLIKEN。——DON’T，Touchit！Don’tlaughatMr。Bonnington！heisasgoodafellowaseverbreathed。Betweenyouandme，asmyhalfbrothersandsistersincreasedandmultipliedyearafteryear，I
usedtofeelratherlonely，ratherbowledout，youunderstand。ButIsawthemsohappythatIlongedtohaveahomeofmyown。WhenmymotherproposedArabellaforme（forsheandLadyKickleburywereimmensefriendsatonetime），Iwasgladenoughtogiveupclubsandbachelorhood，andtosettledownasamarriedman。Mymotheractedforthebest。Mypoorwife’scharacter，mymotherusedtosay，changedaftermarriage。IwasnotashappyasIhopedtobe;butItriedforit。George，IamnotsocomfortablenowasImightbe。Ahousewithoutamistress，withtwomothers—in—lawreigningoverit——oneworldlyandaristocratic，anotherwhatyoucallserious，thoughshedon’tmindarubberofwhist:Igiveyoumyhonormymotherplaysagameatwhist，andanuncommonlygoodgametoo——eachwomandraggingoverachildtoherside:ofcoursesuchafamilycannotbecomfortable。[Bellrings。]There’sthefirstdinner—bell。Goanddress，forheaven’ssake。
TOUCHIT。——Whydress？Thereisnocompany！
MILLIKEN。——Why？ah！herladyshiplikesit，yousee。Anditcostsnothingtohumorher。Quick，forshedon’tliketobekeptwaiting。
TOUCHIT。——HoraceMilliken！whatapityitisthelawdeclaresawidowershallnotmarryhiswife’smother！Shewouldmarryyouelse，——shewould，onmyword。
EnterJOHN。
JOHN。——IhavetooktheCaptain’sthingsintheblueroom，sir。
[Exeuntgentlemen，JOHNarrangestables，&c。]
Ha！Mrs。Prior！Iain’tpartialtoMrs。Prior。Ithinkshe’sanartfulolddodger，Mrs。Prior。Ithinkthere’smysteryinherunfathomablepockets，andschemesinthefoldsofherumbrella。
But——butshe’sJulia’smother，andforthebelovedone’ssakeIamciviltoher。
MRS。PRIOR。——ThankyouCharles[tothePage，whohasbeenseentoletherinatthegarden—gate]，Iamsomuchobligedtoyou！Goodafternoon，Mr。Howell。Ismydaughter——arethedarlingchildrenwell？Oh，Iamquitetiredandweary！Threehorridomnibuseswerefull，andIhavehadtowalkthewholewearylongway。Ah，timesarechangedwithme，Mr。Howell。OncewhenIwasyoungandstrong，Ihadmyhusband’scarriagetoridein。
JOHN[aside]。——Hiscarriage！hiscoal—wagon！IknowwellenoughwhooldPriorwas。Amerchant？yes，aprettymerchant！kep’alodging—house，shareinabarge，toutingfororders，andatlastasnuglittleplaceintheGazette。
MRS。PRIOR。——Howisyourcough，Mr。Howell？Ihavebroughtyousomelozengesforit[takesnumberlessarticlesfromherpocket]，andifyouwouldtakethemofanightandmorning——oh，indeed，youwouldgetbetter！ThelateSirHenryHalfordrecommendedthemtoMr。Prior。HewashislateMajesty’sphysicianandours。Youknowwehaveseenhappiertimes，Mr。Howell。Oh，Iamquitetiredandfaint。
JOHN。——Willyoutakeanythingbeforetheschool—roomtea，ma’am？
Youwillstoptotea，Ihope，withMissPrior，andouryoungfolks？
MRS。PRIOR。——Thankyou:alittleglassofwinewhenoneissofaint——alittlecrumbofbiscuitwhenoneissooldandtired！I
havenotbeenaccustomedtowant，youknow;andinmypoordearMr。
Prior’stime——
JOHN。——I’llfetchsomewine，ma’am。[Exittothedining—room。]
MRS。PRIOR。——Blesstheman，howabruptheisinhismanner！Hequiteshocksapoorladywhohasbeenusedtobetterdays。What’shere？Invitations——ho！BillsforLadyKicklebury！THEYarenotpaid。WhereisMr。M。goingtodine，Iwonder？CaptainandMrs。
Hopkinson，SirJohnandLadyTomkinson，requestthepleasure。
Requestthepleasure！Ofcoursetheydo。TheyarealwaysaskingMr。M。todinner。Theyhavedaughterstomarry，andMr。M。isawidowerwiththreethousandayear，everyshillingofit。ImusttellLadyKicklebury。Hemustnevergototheseplaces——never，never——mustn’tbeallowed。[Whiletalking，sheopensallthelettersonthetable，rummagestheportfolioandwriting—box，looksatcardsonmantelpiece，workinwork—basket，triestea—box，andshowsthegreatestactivityandcuriosity。]
Re—enterJohn，bearingatraywithcakes，adecanter，&c。
Thankyou，thankyou，Mr。Howell！Oh，oh，dearme，notsomuchasthat！Halfaglass，andONEbiscuit，please。Whatelegantsherry！
[sipsalittle，andputsdownglassontray]。Doyouknow，I
rememberinbetterdays，Mr。Howell，whenmypoordearhusband——
JOHN。——Begyourpardon。There’sMilliken’sbell，goinglikemad。
ExitJohn。]
MRS。PRIOR。——Whatanabruptperson！Oh，butit’scomfortable，thiswineis！And——andIthinkhowmypoorCharlottewouldlikealittle——shesoweak，andorderedwinebythemedicalman！AndwhendearAdolphuscomeshomefromChrist’sHospital，quitetired，poorboy，andhungry，wouldn’tabitofnicecakedohimgood！Adolphusissofondofplum—cake，thedarlingchild！AndsoisFrederick，littlesaucyrogue;andI’llgivethemMYpiece，andkeepmyglassofwineformydeardelicateangelShatty！[Takesbottleandpaperoutofherpocket，cutsoffagreatsliceofcake，andpourswinefromwine—glassanddecanterintobottle。]
EnterPAGE。
PAGE。——MasterGeorgeandMissBellaisgoingtohavetheirteasdownherewithMissPrior，Mrs。Prior，andshe’supintheschool—
room，andmyladysaysyoumaystaytotea。
MRS。PRIOR。——Thankyou，Charles！Howtallyougrow！ThosetrouserswouldfitmydarlingFredericktoanicety。Thankyou，Charles。Iknowthewaytothenursery。[ExitMrs。P。]
PAGE。——Knowtheway！IbelievesheDOknowtheway。Beenahavingcakeandwine。Howellalwaysgiveshercakeandwine——jollycake，ain’tit！andwine，oh，my！
Re—enterJohn。
JOHN。——Youyounggormandizingcormorant！What！fivemealsadayain’tenoughforyou！What？beerain’tgoodenoughforyou，hey？
[Pullsboy’sears。]
PAGE[crying]。——Oh，oh，do—o—n’t，Mr。Howell。Ionlytookhalfaglass，uponmyhonor。
JOHN。——Youra—honor，youlyingyoungvagabond！Iwonderthegrounddon’topenandswallowyou。Halfaglass！[holdsupdecanter。]
You’vetookhalfabottle，youyoungAnanias！Markthis，sir！
WhenIwasaboy，aboyonmypromotion，achildkindlytookinfromcharity—school，ahorphaninbuttonslikeyou，Ineverlied;
no，norneverstole，andyou’vedoneboth，youlittlescoundrel。
Don’ttellME，sir！there’splumsonyourcoat，crumbsonyourcheek，andyousmellsherry，sir！Iain’ttimetowhopyounow，butcometomypantryto—nightafteryou’vetookthetraydown。
Comewithoutyourjacketon，sir，andthenI’llteachyouwhatitistolieandsteal。There’stheouterbell。Scud，youvagabond！
EnterLADYK。
LADYK。——Whatwasthatnoise，pray？
JOHN。——AdifferencebetweenmeandyoungPage，mylady。Iwasinstructinghimtokeephishandsfrompickingandstealing。Iwaslearninghimhislesson，mylady，andhewasa—cryingitout。
LADYK。——Itseemstomeyouaremostunkindtothatboy，Howell。
Heismyboy，sir。Hecomesfrommyestate。Iwillnothavehimill—used。Ithinkyoupresumeonyourlongservices。Ishallspeaktomyson—in—lawaboutyou。[\"Yes，mylady;no，mylady;
verygood，mylady。\"Johnhasansweredeachsentenceassheisspeaking，andexitgravelybowing。]Thatmanmustquitthehouse。
Horacesayshecan’tdowithouthim，buthemustdowithouthim。
MypoordearArabellawasfondofhim，buthepresumesonthatdefunctangel’spartiality。Horacesaysthispersonkeepsallhisaccounts，sortsallhisletters，managesallhisaffairs，maybetrustedwithuntoldgold，andrescuedlittleGeorgeoutofthefire。NowIhavecometolivewithmyson—in—law，Iwillkeephisaccounts，sorthisletters，andtakechargeofhismoney:andiflittleGeorgygetsintothegrate，Iwilltakehimoutofthefire。
Whatishere？InvitationfromCaptainandMrs。Hopkinson。
InvitationfromSirJohnandLadyTomkinson，whodon’tevenaskme！
Monstrous！henevershallgo——heshallnotgo！[MRS。PRIORhasre—
entered，shedropsaverylowcurtsytoLadyK。，asthelatter，perceivingher，laysthecardsdown。]
MRS。PRIOR。——Ah，dearmadam！howkindyourladyship’smessagewastothepoorlonelywidowwoman！Oh，howthoughtfulitwasofyourladyshiptoaskmetostaytotea！
LADYK。——Withyourdaughterandthechildren？Indeed，mygoodMrs。
Prior，youareverywelcome！
MRS。PRIOR。——Ah！butisn’titacauseofthankfulnesstobeMADE
welcome？Oughtn’tItobegratefulfortheseblessings？——yes，I
sayBLESSINGS。AndIam——Iam，LadyKicklebury——tothemother——
of——thatangelwhoisgone[pointstothepicture]。Itwasyoursainteddaughterleftus——leftmychildtothecareofMr。
Milliken，and——andyou，whoarenowhisguardianangelImaysay。
YouARE，LadyKicklebury——youare。Isaytomygirl，Julia，LadyKickleburyisMr。Milliken’sguardianangel，isYOURguardianangel——forwithoutyoucouldshekeepherplaceasgovernesstothesedarlingchildren？Itwouldtearherheartintwotoleavethem，andyetshewouldbeforcedtodoso。Youknowthatsomeone——shallIhesitatetosaywhomIMEAN——thatMr。Milliken’smother，excellentladythoughsheis，doesnotlovemychildbecauseYOUloveher。YouDOloveher，LadyKicklebury，andoh！amother’sfondheartpaysyouback！Butforyou，mypoorJuliamustgo——go，andleavethechildrenwhomadyingangelconfidedtoher！
