GEORGE。——IWILLhaveanotherpotofmarmalade。Ifyoudon’t，I’ll——
I’llsmasheverything——Iwill。
BELLA。——Oh，younaughty，rudeboy！
GEORGE。——HoldYOURtongue！IWILLhaveit。Maryshallgoandgetit。
MRS。P。——Dohumorhim，Mary;andI’msuremypoorchildrenathomewillbethebetterforit。
GEORGE。——There’syourbasket！nowputthiscakein，andthispatofbutter，andthissugar。Hurray，hurray！Oh，whatjollyfun！TellAdolphusandAmeliaIsentittothem——tell’emtheyshallneverwantforanythingaslongasGeorgeKickleburyMilliken，Esq。，cangiveit’em。DidAdolphuslikemygraycoatthatIdidn’twant？
MISSP。——Youdidnotgivehimyournewgraycoat？
GEORGE。——Don’tyouspeaktome;I’mgoingtoschool——I’mnotgoingtohavenomoregovernessessoon。
MRS。P。——Oh，mydearMasterGeorge，whatanicecoatitis，andhowwellmypoorboylookedinit！
MISSP。——Don’t，mamma！Iprayandentreatyounottotakethethings！
EnterJOHNfromdining—roomwithatray。
JOHN。——Somecream，somejelly，alittlechampagne，MissPrior;I
thoughtyoumightlikesome。
GEORGE。——Oh，jolly！giveusholdofthejelly！giveusaglassofchampagne。
JOHN。——Iwillnotgiveyouany。
GEORGE。——I’llsmasheveryglassintheroomifyoudon’t;I’llcutmyfingers;I’llpoisonmyself——there！I’lleatallthissealing—
waxifyoudon’t，andit’srankpoison，youknowitis。
MRS。P。——MydearMasterGeorge！[ExitJOHN。]
GEORGE。——Ha，ha！Iknewyou’dgiveitme;anotherboytaughtmethat。
BELLA。——Andaverynaughty，rudeboy。
GEORGE。——He，he，he！holdyourtongueMiss！Andsaidhealwaysgotwineso;andsoIusedtodoittomypoormamma，Mrs。Prior。
Usedn’ttolikemammamuch。
BELLA。——Oh，youwickedboy！
GEORGY。——Sheusedn’ttoseeusmuch。SheusedtosayItriedhernerves:what’snerves，Mrs。Prior？Giveussomemorechampagne！
Willhaveit。Ha，ha，ha！ain’titjolly？NowI’llgooutandhavearuninthegarden。[Runsintogarden]。
MRS。P。——Andyou，mydear？
BELLA。——Ishallgoandresumetheperusalofthe\"Pilgrim’sProgress，\"whichmygrandpapa，Mr。Bonnington，sentme。[ExitARABELLA。]
MISSP。——Howthosechildrenarespoilt！Goodness;whatcanIdo？
IfIcorrectone，hefliestograndmammaKicklebury;ifIspeaktoanother，sheappealstograndmammaBonnington。WhenIwasalonewiththem，Ihadtheminsomethinglikeorder。Now，betweentheonegrandmotherandtheother，thechildrenaregoingtoruin，andsowouldthehousetoo，butthatHowell——thatodd，rude，buthonestandintelligentcreature，Imustsay——keepsitup。Itiswonderfulhowapersoninhisrankoflifeshouldhaveinstructedhimselfso。
Hereallyknows——IreallythinkheknowsmorethanIdomyself。
MRS。P。——Juliadear！
MISSP。——Whatisit，mamma？
MRS。P。——Yourlittlesisterwantssomeunderclothingsadly，Juliadear，andpoorAdolphus’sshoesarequitewornout。
MISSP。——Ithoughtso;IhavegivenyouallIcould，mamma。
MRS。P。——Yes，mylove！youareagoodlove，andgenerous，heavenknows，toyourpooroldmotherwhohasseenbetterdays。Ifwehadnotwanted，wouldIhaveeverallowedyoutobeagoverness——apoordegradedgoverness？IfthatbruteO’Reillywholivedonoursecondfloorhadnotbehavedsoshamefullywickedtoyou，andmarriedMissFlack，thesinger，mightyounothavebeenEditressoftheChampionofLibertyatthisverymoment，andhadyourOperaboxeverynight？
[Shedrinkschampagnewhiletalking，andexcitesherself。]
MISSP。——Don’ttakethat，mamma。
MRS。P。——Don’ttakeit？why，itcostsnothing;Millikencanaffordit。DoyousupposeIgetchampagneeveryday？ImighthavehaditasagirlwhenIfirstmarriedyourfather，andwekep’ourgigandhorse，andlivedatClapham，andhadthebestofeverything。Butthecoal—tradeisnotwhatitwas，Julia。Wemetwithmisfortunes，Julia，andwewentintopoverty:andyourpoorfatherwentintotheBenchfortwenty—threemonths——twoyearallbutamonthhedid——andmypoorgirlwasobligedtodanceatthe\"CoburgTheatre\"——yesyouwere，attenshillingsaweek，intheOrientalballetof\"TheBulbulandtheRose:\"youwere，mypoordarlingchild。
MISSP。——Hush，hush，mamma！
MRS。P。——Andwekep’alodging—houseinBuryStreet，St。James’s，whichyourfather’sbrotherfurnishedforus，whowasanextensiveoil—merchant。Hebroughtyouup;andafterwardshequarrelledwithmypoorJames，RobertPriordid，andhedied，notleavingusashilling。Andmydeareldestboywentintoawine—merchant’soffice:andmypoordarlingJuliabecameagoverness，whenyouhadhadthebestofeducationatClapham;youhad，Julia。Andtothinkthatyouwereobliged，myblessedthing，togoonintheOrientalballetof\"TheRoseandtheBul——\"
MISSP。——Mamma，hush，hush！forgetthatstory。
EnterPagefromdining—room。
PAGE。——MissPrior！please，theladiesarecomingfromthedining—
room。Mrs。B。havehadhertwoglassesofport，andherladyshipisnowa—tellingthestoryaboutthePrinceofWaleswhenshedancedwithhimatCantonHouse。[ExitPage。]
MISSP。——Quick，quick！There，takeyourbasket！Putonyourbonnet，andgood—night，mamma。Here，hereisahalfsovereignandthreeshillings;itisallthemoneyIhaveintheworld;takeit，andbuytheshoesforAdolphus。
MRS。P。——Andtheunderclothing，mylove——littleAmelia’sunderclothing？
MISSP。——Wewillseeaboutit。Good—night[kissesher]。Don’tbeseenhere，——LadyK。doesn’tlikeit。
EnterGentlemenandLadiesfromdining—room。
LADYK。——WefollowtheContinentalfashion。Wedon’tsitafterdinner，CaptainTouchit。
CAPTAINT。——ConfoundtheContinentalfashion！Iliketositalittlewhileafterdinner[aside]。
MRS。B。——SodoesmydearMr。Bonnington，CaptainTouchit。Helikesalittleport—wineafterdinner。
TOUCHIT。——I’mnotsurprisedatit，maam。
MRS。B。——Whendidyousayyoursonwascoming，LadyKicklebury？
LADYK。——MyClarence！Hewillbehereimmediately，Ihope，thedearboy。YouknowmyClarence？
TOUCHIT。——Yes，ma’am。
LADYK。——Andlikehim，I’msure，CaptainTouchit！EverybodydoeslikeClarenceKicklebury。
TOUCHIT。——Theconfoundedyoungscamp！Isay，Horace，doyoulikeyourbrother—in—law？
MILLIKEN。——Well——I——Ican’tsay——I——likehim——infact，Idon’t。
Butthat’snoreasonwhyhismothershouldn’t。[Duringthis，HOWELL，precededbyBULKELEY，handsroundcoffee。Thegardenwithouthasdarkened，asifevening。BULKELEYisgoingawaywithoutofferingcoffeetoMissPRIOR。JOHNstampsonhisfoot，andpointstoher。CaptainTOUCHIT，laughing，goesupandtalkstohernowtheservantsaregone。]
MRS。B。——Horace！Imusttellyouthatthewasteatyourtableisshocking。Whatistheneedofopeningallthiswine？YouandLadyKickleburyweretheonlypersonswhotookchampagne。
TOUCHIT。——Ineverdrinkit——nevertouchtherubbish！Toooldastager！
LADYK。——Port，Ithink，isyourfavorite，Mrs。Bonnington？
MRS。B。——Mydearlady，Idonotmeanthatyoushouldnothavechampagne，ifyoulike。Pray，pray，don’tbeangry！Butwhyonearth，foryou，whotakesolittle，andHorace，whoonlydrinksittokeepyoucompany，shouldnotHowellopenapintinsteadofagreatlargebottle？
LADYK。——Oh，Howell！Howell！WemustnotmentionHowell，mydearMrs。Bonnington。Howellisfaultless！Howellhasthekeysofeverything！Howellisnottobecontrolledinanything！Howellistobeatlibertytoberudetomyservant！
MILLIKEN。——Isthatall？IamsureIshouldhavethoughtyourmanwasbigenoughtoresentanyrudenessfrompoorlittleHowell。
LADYK。——Horace！Excusemeforsayingthatyoudon’tknow——the——
theclassofservanttowhomBulkeleybelongs。Ihadhim，asagreatfavor，fromLordToddleby。Thatclassofservantisaccustomedgenerallynottogooutsingle。
MILLIKEN。——Unlesstheyaretwobehindacarriage—perchtheypineaway，asonelove—birddoeswithouthismate！
LADYK。——Nodoubt！nodoubt！Ionlysayyouarenotaccustomedhere——inthiskindofestablishment，youunderstand——tothatclassof——
MRS。B。——LadyKicklebury！ismyson’sestablishmentnotgoodenoughforanypowderedmonsterinEngland？IsthehouseofaBritishmerchant——？
LADYK。——Mydearcreature！mydearcreature！itISthehouseofaBritishmerchant，andaverycomfortablehouse。
MRS。B。——Yes，asyoufindit。
LADYK。——Yes，asIfindit，whenIcometotakecareofmydeparted，angel’schildren，Mrs。Bonnington——[pointingtopicture]——
ofTHATdearseraph’sorphans，Mrs。Bonnington。YOUcannot。Youhaveotherduties——otherchildren——ahusbandathomeindelicatehealth，who——
MRS。B。——LadyKicklebury，nooneshallsayIdon’ttakecareofmydearhusband！
MILLIKEN。——Mydearmother！MydearLadyKicklebury！[ToT。，whohascomeforward。]Theysparsoeverynighttheymeet，Touchit。
Ain’tithard？
LADYK。——IsayyouDOtakecareofMr。Bonnington，Mrs。Bonnington，mydearcreature！andthatiswhyyoucan’tattendtoHorace。Andasheisofaveryeasytemper——exceptsometimeswithhispoorArabella’smother——heallowsallhistradesmentocheathim，allhisservantstocheathim，Howelltoberudetoeverybody——tomeamongstotherpeople，andwhynottomyservantBulkeley，withwhomLordToddleby’sgroomofthechambersgavemetheveryhighestcharacter。
MRS。B。——I’msurprisedthatnoblemenHAVEgroomsintheirchambers。
Ishouldthinktheyweremuchbetterinthestables。IamsureI
alwaysthinksowhenwedinewithDoctorClinker。Hismandoesbringsuchasmellofthestablewithhim。
LADYK。——He！he！youmistake，mydearestcreature！Yourpoormothermistakes，mygoodHorace。Youhavelivedinaquietandmostrespectablesphere——butnot——not——
MRS。B。——Notwhat，LadyKicklebury？WehavelivedatRichmondtwentyyears——inmylatehusband’stime——whenwesawagreatdealofcompany，andwhenthisdearHoracewasadearboyatWestminsterSchool。AndwehavePAIDforeverythingwehavehadfortwentyyears，andwehaveowednotapennytoanyTRADESMAN，thoughwemayn’thavehadPOWDEREDFOOTMENSIXFEETHIGH，whowereimpertinenttoallthemaidsintheplace——Don’t！IWILLspeak，Horace——butservantswholovedus，andwholivedinourfamilies。
MILLIKEN。——Mamma，now，mydear，goodoldmother！IamsureLadyKickleburymeantnoharm。
LADYK。——Me！mydearHorace！harm！WhatharmcouldImean？
MILLIKEN。——Come！letushaveagameatwhist。Touchit，willyoumakeafourth？Theygoonsoeverynightalmost。Ain’titapity，now？
TOUCHIT。——MissPriorgenerallyplays，doesn’tshe？
MILLIKEN。——Andaverygoodplayer，too。ButIthoughtyoumightlikeit。
TOUCHIT。——Well，notexactly。Idon’tlikesixpennypoints，Horace，orquarrellingwitholddragonsabouttheoddtrick。Iwillgoandsmokeacigarontheterrace，andcontemplatethesilverThames，thedarklingwoods，thestarryhostsofheaven。I——Ilikesmokingbetterthanplayingwhist。[MILLIKENringsbell。]
MILLIKEN。——Ah，George！you’renotfitfordomesticfelicity。
TOUCHIT。——No，notexactly。
HOWELLenters。
MILLIKEN。——Lightsandawhist—table。Oh，Iseeyoubring’em。YouknoweverythingIwant。HeknowseverythingIwant，Howelldoes。
Letuscut。MissPrior，youandIarepartners！
ACTII。
SCENE。——Asbefore。
LADYK。——Don’tsmoke，younaughtyboy。Idon’tlikeit。Besides，itwillencourageyourbrother—in—lawtosmoke。
CLARENCEK。——Anythingtoobligeyou，I’msure。Butcan’tdowithoutit，mother;it’sgoodformyhealth。WhenIwasinthePlungers，ourdoctorusedtosay，\"Yououghtnevertosmokemorethaneightcigarsaday\"——anorder，youknow，todoit——don’tyousee？
LADYK。——Ah，mychild！IamverygladyouarenotwiththoseunfortunatepeopleintheEast。
K。——SoamI。Soldoutjustintime。Muchbetterfunbeinghere，thanhavingthecholeraatScutari。Nicehouse，Milliken’s。Snob，butgoodfellow——goodcellar，doosidgoodcook。Really，thatsalmiyesterday，——couldn’thaveitbetterdoneatthe\"Rag\"now。Youhavegotintogoodquartershere，mother。
LADYK。——Themealsareverygood，andthehouseisverygood;themannersarenotofthefirstorder。Butwhatcanyouexpectofcitypeople？Ialwaystoldyourpoordearsister，whenshemarriedMr。Milliken，thatshemightlookforeverythingsubstantial，——butnotmanners。PoordearArabellaWOULDmarryhim。
K。——Would！thatisagoodone，mamma！Why，youmadeher！It’sadozenyearsago。ButIrecollect，whenIcamehomefromEton，seeinghercryingbecauseCharleyTufton——
LADYK。——Mr。Tuftonhadnotashillingtoblesshimselfwith。Themarriagewasabsurdandimpossible。
K。——Hehadn’tashillingthen。Iguesshehasplentynow。Elderbrotherkilled，outhunting。Fatherdead。Tufabaronet，withfourthousandayearifhe’sashilling。
LADYK。——Notsomuch。
K。——Fourthousandifit’sashilling。Why，thepropertyadjoinsKicklebury’s——Ioughttoknow。I’veshotoveritathousandtimes。
Heh！Iremember，whenIwasquiteayoung’un，howArabellausedtogooutintoTuftonParktomeetCharley——andheisadoosidgoodfellow，andagentlemanlikefellow，andadoosiddealbetterthanthiscityfellow。
LADYK。——Ifyoudon’tlikethiscityfellow，Clarence，whydoyoucomehere？whydidn’tyoustopwithyourelderbrotheratKicklebury？
K。——Whydidn’tI？Whydidn’tYOUstopatKicklebury，mamma？
Becauseyouhadnoticetoquit。Seriousdaughter—in—law，quarrelsaboutmanagementofthehouse——rowinthebuilding。Mybrotherinterferes，andpolitelyrequestsmammatoshortenhervisit。Soitiswithyourothertwodaughters;soitwaswithArabellawhenshewasalive。Whatshindiesyouusedtohavewithher，LadyKicklebury！Heh！Ihadarowwithmybrotherandsisteraboutaconfoundedlittlenursery—maid。
LADYK。——Clarence！
K。——AndsoIhadnoticetoquittoo。AndI’minverygoodquartershere，andIintendtostayin’em，mamma。Isay——
LADYK。——Whatdoyousay？
K。——SinceIsoldout，youknow，andtheregimentwentabroad，confoundme，thebrutesatthe\"Rag\"willhardlyspeaktome！I
wassoill，Icouldn’tgo。WhothedoosecanlivethelifeI’veledandkeephealthenoughforthatinfernalCrimea？Besides，howcouldIhelpit？IwassocursedlyindebtthatIwasOBLIGEDtohavethemoney，youknow。YOUhadn’tgotany。
LADYK。——Notahalfpenny，mydarling。Iamdreadfullyindebtmyself。
K。——Iknowyouare。SoamI。Mybrotherwouldn’tgivemeany，notadump。Hanghim！Saidhehadhischildrentolookto。Millikenwouldn’tadvancemeanymore——saidIdidhiminthathorsetransaction。He！he！he！soIdid！WhathadItodobuttosellout？Andthefellowscutme，byJove。Ain’tittoobad？I’lltakemynameoffthe\"Rag，\"Iwill，though。
LADYK。——Wemustsowourwildoats，andwemustsoberdown;andwemustlivehere，wherethelivingisverygoodandverycheap，Clarence，younaughtyboy！Andwemustgetyouarichwife。Didyouseeatchurchyesterdaythatyoungwomaninlightgreen，withratherredhairandapinkbonnet？
K。——Iwasasleep，ma’am，mostofthetime，orIwasbookin’uptheoddsfortheChesterCup。WhenI’mbookin’up，Ithinkofnothin’
else，ma’am，——nothin’。
LADYK。——ThatwasMissBrocksopp——Briggs，BrownandBrocksopp，thegreatsugar—bakers。Theysayshewillhaveeightythousandpound。
Wewillaskhertodinnerhere。
K。——Isay——whythedoosedoyouhavesucholdwomentodinnerhere？
Whydon’tyougetsomeprettygirls？SuchasetofconfoundedoldfrumpsaseatMilliken’smuttonIneversaw。There’syou，andhisoldmotherMrs。Bonnington，andoldMrs。Fogram，andoldMissWhat’s—her—name，thewomanwiththesquinteye，andthatimmenseMrs。Crowder。It’ssostoopid，thatifitweren’tforTouchitcomingdownsometimes，andthebilliardsandboatin’，Ishoulddiehere——expire，bygad！Whydon’tyouhavesomeprettywomenintothehouse，LadyKicklebury？
LADYK。——Why！DoyouthinkIwantthatpicturetakendown:andanotherMrs。Milliken？Wisehead！IfHoracemarriedagain，wouldhebeyourbanker，andkeepthishouse，nowthatungratefulsonofminehasturnedmeoutofhis？NoprettywomanshallcomeintothehousewhilstIamhere。
K。——Governessseemsaprettywoman:weakeyes，badfigure，poky，badlydressed，butdoosidprettywoman。
LADYK。——Bah！ThereisnodangerfromHER。Sheisamostfaithfulcreature，attachedtomebeyondeverything。Andhereyes——hereyesareweakwithcryingforsomeyoungmanwhoisinIndia。Shehashisminiatureinherroom，lockedupinoneofherdrawers。
K。——Thenhowthedoosedidyoucometoseeit？
LADYK。——Weseeanumberofthings，Clarence。Willyoudrivewithme？
K。——NotasIknowson，thankyou。No，Ma;drivin’sTOOslow:andyou’regoin’tocallontwoorthreeolddowagersinthePark？
Thankyourladyshipforthedelightfuloffer。
EnterJOHN。
JOHN。——Please，sir，here’sthemanwiththebillfortheboats;twopoundthree。
K。——Damnit，payit——don’tbotherME！
JOHN。——Haven’tgotthemoney，sir。
LADYK。——Howell！IsawMr。Millikengiveyouachequefortwenty—
fivepoundsbeforehewentintotownthismorning。Looksir[runs，opensdrawer，takesoutcheque—book]。Thereitis，marked，\"Howell，25L。\"
JOHN。——WouldyourladyshipliketostepdownintomypantryandseewhatI’vepaidwiththetwenty—fivepounds？Didmymasterleaveanyordersthatyourladyshipwastoinspectmyaccounts？
LADYK。——Stepdownintothepantry！inspectyouraccounts？Ineverheardsuchimpertinence。Whatdoyoumean，sir？
K。——Dammy，sir，whatdoyoumean？
JOHN。——Ithoughtasherladyshipkeptaheyeovermymaster’sprivatebook，shemightliketolookatminetoo。
LADYK。——Uponmyword，thisinsolenceistoomuch。
JOHN。——Ibegyourladyship’spardon。IamsureIhavesaidnothing。
K。——Said，sir！yourmannerismutinous，byJove，sir！ifIhadyouintheregiment！——
JOHN。——Iunderstoodthatyouhadlefttheregiment，sir，justbeforeitwentonthecampaign，sir。
K。——Confoundyou，sir！[Startsup。]
LADYK。——Clarence，mychild，mychild！
JOHN。——Yourladyshipneedn’tbealarmed;I’malittleman，mylady，butIdon’tthinkMr。Clarencewasa—goin’fortohitme，mylady;
notbeforealady，I’msure。Isuppose，sir，thatyouWON’Tpaytheboatman？
K。——No，sir，Iwon’tpayhim，noranymanwhousesthissortofdamnedimpertinence！
JOHN。——ItoldRullocks，sir，IthoughtitwasJESTpossibleyouwouldn’t。[Exit。]
K。——That’saniceman，thatis——animpudentvillain！
LADYK。——RuinedbyHorace’sweakness。Heruinseverybody，poorgood—naturedHorace！
K。——Whydon’tyougetridoftheblackguard？
LADYK。——Thereisatimeforallthings，mydear。ThismanisveryconvenienttoHorace。Mr。Millikenisexceedinglylazy，andHowellspareshimagreatdealoftrouble。SomedayorotherIshalltakeallthisdomestictroubleoffhishands。Butnotyet:yourpoorbrother—in—lawisrestive，likemanyweakmen。Heissubjectedtootherinfluences:hisodiousmotherthwartsmeagreatdeal。
K。——Why，youusedtobethedearestfriendsintheworld。I
recollectwhenIwasatEton——
LADYK。——Were;butfriendshipdon’tlastforever。Mrs。BonningtonandIhavehadseriousdifferencessinceIcametolivehere:shehasanaturaljealousy，perhaps，atmysuperintendingherson’saffairs。Whensheceasestovisitatthehouse，assheverypossiblywill，thingswillgomoreeasily;andMr。Howellwillgotoo，youmaydependuponit。Iamalwayssorrywhenmytemperbreaksout，asitwillsometimes。
K。——Won’tit，that’sall！
LADYK。——Athisinsolence，mytemperishigh;soisyours，mydear。
Calmitforthepresent，especiallyasregardsHowell。
