InatownintheinteriorofNewYork，afewyearsago，agentlemansetforthamathematicalproblemandproposedtogiveaprizetoeverypublicschoolpupilwhoshouldfurnishthecorrectsolutionofit。Twentytwoofthebrightestboysinthepublicschoolsenteredthecontest。Theproblemwasnotaverydifficultoneforpupilsoftheirmathematicalrankandstanding，yettheyallfailedbyahairthroughonetriflingmistakeoranother。Somesearchingquestionswereasked，whenitturnedoutthattheseladswereasglibasparrotswiththe\"rules，\"butcouldnotreasonoutasingleruleorexplaintheprincipleunderlyingit。Theirmemorieshadbeenstocked，butnottheirunderstandings。Itwasacaseofbrickbatculture，pureandsimple。
Thereareseveralcurious\"compositions\"inthelittlebook，andwemustmakeroomforone。Itisfullofnaivete，brutaltruth，andunembarrasseddirectness，andisthefunniest（genuine）boy’scompositionIthinkIhaveeverseen:
ONGIRLS
Girlsareverystuckupanddignefiedintheirmanerandbehaveyour。Theythinkmoreofdressthananythingandliketoplaywithdowlsandrags。Theycryiftheyseeacowinafardistanceandareafraidofguns。TheystayathomeallthetimeandgotochurchonSunday。Theyarealwayssick。Theyareal
waysfunyandmakingfunofboy’shandsandtheysayhowdirty。
Theycantplaymarbels。Ipitythempoorthings。Theymakefunofboysandthenturnroundandlovethem。Idontbeleavetheyeverkiledacatoranything。Theylookouteveryniteandsayohantthemoonlovely。ThirisonethingIhavenottoldandthatistheyalwaysnowtheirlessonsbetternboys。
FromMr。EdwardChanning’srecentarticleinSCIENCE:
ThemarkeddifferencebetweenthebooksnowbeingproducedbyFrench，English，andAmericantravelers，ontheonehand，andGermanexplorers，ontheother，istoogreattoescapeattention。
ThatdifferenceisdueentirelytothefactthatinschoolanduniversitytheGermanistaught，inthefirstplacetosee，andinthesecondplacetounderstandwhathedoessee。
TAMINGTHEBICYCLE
IntheearlyeightiesMarkTwainlearnedtorideoneoftheoldhighwheelbicyclesofthatperiod。Hewroteanaccountofhisexperience，butdidnotofferitforpublication。Theformofbicycleherodelongagobecameantiquated，butinthehumorofhispleasantryisaqualitywhichdoesnotgrowold。
A。B。P。
I
Ithoughtthematterover，andconcludedIcoulddoit。SoIwentdownaboughtabarrelofPond’sExtractandabicycle。
TheExpertcamehomewithmetoinstructme。Wechosethebackyard，forthesakeofprivacy，andwenttowork。
Minewasnotafullgrownbicycle，butonlyacoltafiftyinch，withthepedalsshorteneduptofortyeightandskittish，likeanyothercolt。TheExpertexplainedthething’spointsbriefly，thenhegotonitsbackandrodearoundalittle，toshowmehoweasyitwastodo。Hesaidthatthedismountingwasperhapsthehardestthingtolearn，andsowewouldleavethattothelast。Buthewasinerrorthere。Hefound，tohissurpriseandjoy，thatallthatheneededtodowastogetmeontothemachineandstandoutoftheway;Icouldgetoff，myself。
AlthoughIwaswhollyinexperienced，Idismountedinthebesttimeonrecord。Hewasonthatside，shovingupthemachine;
weallcamedownwithacrash，heatthebottom，Inext，andthemachineontop。
Weexaminedthemachine，butitwasnotintheleastinjured。Thiswashardlybelievable。YettheExpertassuredmethatitwastrue;infact，theexaminationprovedit。Iwaspartlytorealize，then，howadmirablythesethingsareconstructed。WeappliedsomePond’sExtract，andresumed。TheExpertgotontheOTHERsidetoshoveupthistime，butI
dismountedonthatside;sotheresultwasasbefore。
Themachinewasnothurt。Weoiledourselvesagain，andresumed。
ThistimetheExperttookupashelteredpositionbehind，butsomehoworotherwelandedonhimagain。
Hewasfullofadmiration;saiditwasabnormal。Shewasallright，notascratchonher，notatimberstartedanywhere。
Isaiditwaswonderful，whileweweregreasingup，buthesaidthatwhenIcametoknowthesesteelspiderwebsIwouldrealizethatnothingbutdynamitecouldcripplethem。Thenhelimpedouttoposition，andweresumedoncemore。ThistimetheExperttookupthepositionofshortstop，andgotamantoshoveupbehind。
Wegotupahandsomespeed，andpresentlytraversedabrick，andIwentoutoverthetopofthetillerandlanded，headdown，ontheinstructor’sback，andsawthemachineflutteringintheairbetweenmeandthesun。Itwaswellitcamedownonus，forthatbrokethefall，anditwasnotinjured。
FivedayslaterIgotoutandwascarrieddowntothehospital，andfoundtheExpertdoingprettyfairly。InafewmoredaysIwasquitesound。Iattributethistomyprudenceinalwaysdismountingonsomethingsoft。Somerecommendafeatherbed，butIthinkanExpertisbetter。
TheExpertgotoutatlast，broughtfourassistantswithhim。Itwasagoodidea。ThesefourheldthegracefulcobwebuprightwhileIclimbedintothesaddle;thentheyformedincolumnandmarchedoneithersideofmewhiletheExpertpushedbehind;allhandsassistedatthedismount。
Thebicyclehadwhatiscalledthe\"wabbles，\"andhadthemverybadly。Inordertokeepmyposition，agoodmanythingswererequiredofme，andineveryinstancethethingrequiredwasagainstnature。Thatistosay，thatwhatevertheneededthingmightbe，mynature，habit，andbreedingmovedmetoattemptitinoneway，whilesomeimmutableandunsuspectedlawofphysicsrequiredthatitbedoneinjusttheotherway。Iperceivedbythishowradicallyandgrotesquelywronghadbeenthelifelongeducationofmybodyandmembers。Theyweresteepedinignorance;theyknewnothingnothingwhichitcouldprofitthemtoknow。Forinstance，ifIfoundmyselffallingtotheright，I
putthetillerharddowntheotherway，byaquitenaturalimpulse，andsoviolatedalaw，andkeptongoingdown。Thelawrequiredtheoppositethingthebigwheelmustbeturnedinthedirectioninwhichyouarefalling。Itishardtobelievethis，whenyouaretoldit。Andnotmerelyhardtobelieveit，butimpossible;itisopposedtoallyournotions。Anditisjustashardtodoit，afteryoudocometobelieveit。Believingit，andknowingbythemostconvincingproofthatitistrue，doesnothelpit:youcan’tanymoreDOitthanyoucouldbefore;youcanneitherforcenorpersuadeyourselftodoitatfirst。Theintellecthastocometothefront，now。Ithastoteachthelimbstodiscardtheiroldeducationandadoptthenew。
Thestepsofone’sprogressaredistinctlymarked。Attheendofeachlessonheknowshehasacquiredsomething，andhealsoknowswhatthatsomethingis，andlikewisethatitwillstaywithhim。ItisnotlikestudyingGerman，whereyoumullalong，inagroping，uncertainway，forthirtyyears;andatlast，justasyouthinkyou’vegotit，theyspringthesubjunctiveonyou，andthereyouare。NoandIseenow，plainlyenough，thatthegreatpityabouttheGermanlanguageis，thatyoucan’tfalloffitandhurtyourself。Thereisnothinglikethatfeaturetomakeyouattendstrictlytobusiness。ButIalsosee，bywhatIhavelearnedofbicycling，thattherightandonlysurewaytolearnGermanisbythebicyclingmethod。Thatistosay，takeagripononevillainyofitatatime，leavingthatonehalflearned。
Whenyouhavereachedthepointinbicyclingwhereyoucanbalancethemachinetolerablyfairlyandpropelitandsteerit，thencomesyournexttaskhowtomountit。Youdoitinthisway:youhopalongbehinditonyourrightfoot，restingtheotheronthemountingpeg，andgraspingthetillerwithyourhands。Attheword，youriseonthepeg，stiffenyourleftleg，hangyourotheronearoundintheairinageneralinindefiniteway，leanyourstomachagainsttherearofthesaddle，andthenfalloff，maybeononeside，maybeontheother;butyoufalloff。
Yougetupanddoitagain;andoncemore;andthenseveraltimes。
Bythistimeyouhavelearnedtokeepyourbalance;andalsotosteerwithoutwrenchingthetilleroutbytheroots（IsaytillerbecauseitISatiller;\"handlebar\"isalamelydescriptivephrase）。Soyousteeralong，straightahead，alittlewhile，thenyouriseforward，withasteadystrain，bringingyourrightleg，andthenyourbody，intothesaddle，catchyourbreath，fetchaviolenthitchthiswayandthenthat，anddownyougoagain。
Butyouhaveceasedtomindthegoingdownbythistime;youaregettingtolightononefootortheotherwithconsiderablecertainty。Sixmoreattemptsandsixmorefallsmakeyouperfect。Youlandinthesaddlecomfortably，nexttime，andstaytherethatis，ifyoucanbecontenttoletyourlegsdangle，andleavethepedalsaloneawhile;butifyougrabatonceforthepedals，youaregoneagain。Yousoonlearntowaitalittleandperfectyourbalancebeforereachingforthepedals;thenthemountingartisacquired，iscomplete，andalittlepracticewillmakeitsimpleandeasytoyou，thoughspectatorsoughttokeepoffarodortwotooneside，alongatfirst，ifyouhavenothingagainstthem。
Andnowyoucometothevoluntarydismount;youlearnedtheotherkindfirstofall。Itisquiteeasytotellonehowtodothevoluntarydismount;thewordsarefew，therequirementsimple，andapparentlyundifficult;letyourleftpedalgodowntillyourleftlegisnearlystraight，turnyourwheeltotheleft，andgetoffasyouwouldfromahorse。Itcertainlydoessoundexceedinglyeasy;butitisn’t。Idon’tknowwhyitisn’tbutitisn’t。Tryasyoumay，youdon’tgetdownasyouwouldfromahorse，yougetdownasyouwouldfromahouseafire。Youmakeaspectacleofyourselfeverytime。
II
DuringtheeightdaysItookadailylessonanhourandahalf。Attheendofthistwelveworkinghours’appreticeshipI
wasgraduatedintherough。Iwaspronouncedcompetenttopaddlemyownbicyclewithoutoutsidehelp。Itseemsincredible，thiscelerityofacquirement。Ittakesconsiderablylongerthanthattolearnhorsebackridingintherough。
NowitistruethatIcouldhavelearnedwithoutateacher，butitwouldhavebeenriskyforme，becauseofmynaturalclumsiness。Theselftaughtmanseldomknowsanythingaccurately，andhedoesnotknowatenthasmuchashecouldhaveknownifhehadworkedunderteachers;and，besides，hebrags，andisthemeansoffoolingotherthoughtlesspeopleintogoinganddoingashehimselfhasdone。Therearethosewhoimaginethattheunluckyaccidentsoflifelife’s\"experiences\"areinsomewayusefultous。IwishIcouldfindouthow。Ineverknewoneofthemtohappentwice。Theyalwayschangeoffandswaparoundandcatchyouonyourinexperiencedside。Ifpersonalexperiencecanbeworthanythingasaneducation，itwouldn’tseemlikelythatyoucouldtripMethuselah;andyetifthatoldpersoncouldcomebackhereitismorethatlikelythatoneofthefirstthingshewoulddowouldbetotakeholdofoneoftheseelectricwiresandtiehimselfallupinaknot。Nowthesurerthingandthewiserthingwouldbeforhimtoasksomebodywhetheritwasagoodthingtotakeholdof。Butthatwouldnotsuithim;hewouldbeoneoftheselftaughtkindthatgobyexperience;hewouldwanttoexamineforhimself。Andhewouldfind，forhisinstruction，thatthecoiledpatriarchshunstheelectricwire;anditwouldbeusefultohim，too，andwouldleavehiseducationinquiteacompleteandroundedoutcondition，tillheshouldcomeagain，someday，andgotobouncingadynamitecanaroundtofindoutwhatwasinit。
Butwewanderfromthepoint。However，getateacher;itsavesmuchtimeandPond’sExtract。
Beforetakingfinalleaveofme，myinstructorinquiredconcerningmyphysicalstrength，andIwasabletoinformhimthatIhadn’tany。Hesaidthatthatwasadefectwhichwouldmakeuphillwheelingprettydifficultformeatfirst;buthealsosaidthebicyclewouldsoonremoveit。Thecontrastbetweenhismusclesandminewasquitemarked。Hewantedtotestmine，soIofferedmybicepswhichwasmybest。Italmostmadehimsmile。Hesaid，\"Itispulpy，andsoft，andyielding，androunded;itevadespressure，andglidesfromunderthefingers;
inthedarkabodymightthinkitwasanoysterinarag。\"
Perhapsthismademelookgrieved，forheadded，briskly:\"Oh，that’sallright，youneedn’tworryaboutthat;inalittlewhileyoucan’ttellitfromapetrifiedkidney。Justgorightalongwithyourpractice;you’reallright。\"
Thenheleftme，andIstartedoutalonetoseekadventures。
Youdon’treallyhavetoseekthemthatisnothingbutaphrasetheycometoyou。
IchoseareposefulSabbathdaysortofabackstreetwhichwasaboutthirtyyardswidebetweenthecurbstones。Iknewitwasnotwideenough;still，IthoughtthatbykeepingstrictwatchandwastingnospaceunnecessarilyIcouldcrowdthrough。
OfcourseIhadtroublemountingthemachine，entirelyonmyownresponsibility，withnoencouragingmoralsupportfromtheoutside，nosympatheticinstructortosay，\"Good！nowyou’redoingwellgoodagaindon’thurrythere，now，you’reallrightbraceup，goahead。\"InplaceofthisIhadsomeothersupport。Thiswasaboy，whowasperchedonagatepostmunchingahunkofmaplesugar。
Hewasfullofinterestandcomment。ThefirsttimeI
failedandwentdownhesaidthatifhewasmehewoulddressupinpillows，that’swhathewoulddo。ThenexttimeIwentdownheadvisedmetogoandlearntorideatricyclefirst。ThethirdtimeIcollapsedhesaidhedidn’tbelieveIcouldstayonahorsecar。ButthenexttimeIsucceeded，andgotclumsilyunderwayinaweaving，tottering，uncertainfashion，andoccupyingprettymuchallofthestreet。Myslowandlumberinggaitfilledtheboytothechinwithscorn，andhesungout，\"My，butdon’theripalong！\"Thenhegotdownfromhispostandloafedalongthesidewalk，stillobservingandoccasionallycommenting。Presentlyhedroppedintomywakeandfollowedalongbehind。Alittlegirlpassedby，balancingawashboardonherhead，andgiggled，andseemedabouttomakearemark，buttheboysaid，rebukingly，\"Lethimalone，he’sgoingtoafuneral。\"
Ihavebeenfamiliarwiththatstreetforyears，andhadalwayssupposeditwasadeadlevel;butitwasnot，asthebicyclenowinformedme，tomysurprise。Thebicycle，inthehandsofanovice，isasalertandacuteasaspiritlevelinthedetectingthedelicateandvanishingshadesofdifferenceinthesematters。Itnoticesarisewhereyouruntrainedeyewouldnotobservethatoneexisted;itnoticesanydeclinewhichwaterwillrundown。Iwastoilingupaslightrise，butwasnotawareofit。Itmademetugandpantandperspire;andstill，laborasImight，themachinecamealmosttoastandstilleverylittlewhile。
Atsuchtimestheboywouldsay:\"That’sit！takearest
thereain’tnohurry。Theycan’tholdthefuneralwithoutYOU。\"
Stoneswereabothertome。EventhesmallestonesgavemeapanicwhenIwentoverthem。Icouldhitanykindofastone，nomatterhowsmall，ifItriedtomissit;andofcourseatfirstIcouldn’thelptryingtodothat。Itisbutnatural。
Itispartoftheassthatisputinusall，forsomeinscrutablereason。
Itwasattheendofmycourse，atlast，anditwasnecessaryformetoroundto。Thisisnotapleasantthing，whenyouundertakeitforthefirsttimeonyourownresponsibility，andneitherisitlikelytosucceed。Yourconfidenceoozesaway，youfillsteadilyupwithnamelessapprehensions，everyfiberofyouistensewithawatchfulstrain，youstartacautiousandgradualcurve，butyoursquirmynervesareallfullofelectricanxieties，sothecurveisquicklydemoralizedintoajerkyandperilouszigzag;thensuddenlythenickelcladhorsetakesthebitinitsmouthandgoesslantingforthecurbstone，defyingallprayersandallyourpowerstochangeitsmindyourheartstandsstill，yourbreathhangsfire，yourlegsforgettowork，straightonyougo，andtherearebutacoupleoffeetbetweenyouandthecurbnow。Andnowisthedesperatemoment，thelastchancetosaveyourself;ofcourseallyourinstructionsflyoutofyourhead，andyouwhirlyourwheelAWAYfromthecurbinsteadofTOWARDit，andsoyougosprawlingonthatgraniteboundinhospitableshore。Thatwasmyluck;thatwasmyexperience。I
draggedmyselfoutfromundertheindestructiblebicycleandsatdownonthecurbtoexamine。
Istartedonthereturntrip。ItwasnowthatIsawafarmer’swagonpokingalongdowntowardme，loadedwithcabbages。
IfIneededanythingtoperfecttheprecariousnessofmysteering，itwasjustthat。Thefarmerwasoccupyingthemiddleoftheroadwithhiswagon，leavingbarelyfourteenorfifteenyardsofspaceoneitherside。Icouldn’tshoutathimabeginnercan’tshout;
ifheopenshismouthheisgone;hemustkeepallhisattentiononhisbusiness。Butinthisgrislyemergency，theboycametotherescue，andforonceIhadtobegratefultohim。
Hekeptasharplookoutontheswiftlyvaryingimpulsesandinspirationsofmybicycle，andshoutedtothemanaccordingly:
\"Totheleft！Turntotheleft，orthisjackass’llrunoveryou！\"
Themanstartedtodoit。\"No，totheright，totheright！
Holdon！THATwon’tdo！totheleft！totheright！totheLEFTright！leftriStaywhereyouARE，oryou’reagoner！\"
AndjustthenIcaughttheoffhorseinthestarboardandwentdowninapile。Isaid，\"Hangit！Couldn’tyouSEEIwascoming？\"
\"Yes，Iseeyouwascoming，butIcouldn’ttellwhichWAYyouwascoming。Nobodycouldnow，COULDthey？Youcouldn’tyourselfnow，COULDyou？Sowhatcould_I_do？
Therewassomethinginthat，andsoIhadthemagnanimitytosayso。IsaidIwasnodoubtasmuchtoblameashewas。
WithinthenextfivedaysIachievedsomuchprogressthattheboycouldn’tkeepupwithme。Hehadtogobacktohisgate
post，andcontenthimselfwithwatchingmefallatlongrange。
Therewasarowoflowsteppingstonesacrossoneendofthestreet，ameasuredyardapart。EvenafterIgotsoIcouldsteerprettyfairlyIwassoafraidofthosestonesthatIalwayshitthem。TheygavemetheworstfallsIevergotinthatstreet，exceptthosewhichIgotfromdogs。Ihaveseenitstatedthatnoexpertisquickenoughtorunoveradog;thatadogisalwaysabletoskipoutofhisway。Ithinkthatthatmaybetrue:butIthinkthatthereasonhecouldn’trunoverthedogwasbecausehewastryingto。Ididnottrytorunoveranydog。ButIranovereverydogthatcamealong。Ithinkitmakesagreatdealofdifference。Ifyoutrytorunoverthedogheknowshowtocalculate，butifyouaretryingtomisshimhedoesnotknowhowtocalculate，andisliabletojumpthewrongwayeverytime。Itwasalwayssoinmyexperience。EvenwhenIcouldnothitawagonIcouldhitadogthatcametoseemepractice。Theyalllikedtoseemepractice，andtheyallcame，fortherewasverylittlegoingoninourneighborhoodtoentertainadog。Ittooktimetolearntomissadog，butIachievedeventhat。
IcansteeraswellasIwantto，now，andIwillcatchthatboyoneofthesedaysandrunoverHIMifhedoesn’treform。
Getabicycle。Youwillnotregretit，ifyoulive。
THEBEE
ItwasMaeterlinckwhointroducedmetothebee。Imean，inthepsychicalandinthepoeticalway。Ihadhadabusinessintroductionearlier。ItwaswhenIwasaboy。ItisstrangethatIshouldrememberaformalitylikethatsolong;itmustbenearlysixtyyears。
Beescientistsalwaysspeakofthebeeasshe。Itisbecausealltheimportantbeesareofthatsex。Inthehivethereisonemarriedbee，calledthequeen;shehasfiftythousandchildren;ofthese，aboutonehundredaresons;therestaredaughters。Someofthedaughtersareyoungmaids，someareoldmaids，andallarevirginsandremainso。
Everyspringthequeencomesoutofthehiveandfliesawaywithoneofhersonsandmarrieshim。Thehoneymoonlastsonlyanhourortwo;thenthequeendivorcesherhusbandandreturnshomecompetenttolaytwomillioneggs。Thiswillbeenoughtolasttheyear，butnotmorethanenough，becausehundredsofbeesaredrownedeveryday，andotherhundredsareeatenbybirds，anditisthequeen’sbusinesstokeepthepopulationuptostandardsay，fiftythousand。Shemustalwayshavethatmanychildrenonhandandefficientduringthebusyseason，whichissummer，orwinterwouldcatchthecommunityshortoffood。Shelaysfromtwothousandtothreethousandeggsaday，accordingtothedemand;andshemustexercisejudgment，andnotlaymorethanareneededinaslimflowerharvest，norfewerthanarerequiredinaprodigalone，ortheboardofdirectorswilldethroneherandelectaqueenthathasmoresense。
Therearealwaysafewroyalheirsinstockandreadytotakeherplacereadyandmorethananxioustodoit，althoughsheistheirownmother。Thesegirlsarekeptbythemselves，andareregallyfedandtendedfrombirth。Nootherbeesgetsuchfinefoodastheyget，orlivesuchahighandluxuriouslife。
Byconsequencetheyarelargerandlongerandsleekerthantheirworkingsisters。Andtheyhaveacurvedsting，shapedlikeascimitar，whiletheothershaveastraightone。
Acommonbeewillstinganyoneoranybody，butaroyaltystingsroyaltiesonly。Acommonbeewillstingandkillanothercommonbee，forcause，butwhenitisnecessarytokillthequeenotherwaysareemployed。Whenaqueenhasgrownoldandslackanddoesnotlayeggsenoughoneofherroyaldaughtersisallowedtocometoattackher，therestofthebeeslookingonattheduelandseeingfairplay。Itisaduelwiththecurvedstings。Ifoneofthefightersgetshardpressedandgivesitupandruns，sheisbroughtbackandmusttryagainonce，maybetwice;then，ifsherunsyetoncemoreforherlife，judicialdeathisherportion;herchildrenpackthemselvesintoaballaroundherpersonandholdherinthatcompactgriptwoorthreedays，untilshestarvestodeathorissuffocated。Meantimethevictorbeeisreceivingroyalhonorsandperformingtheoneroyalfunctionlayingeggs。
Asregardstheethicsofthejudicialassassinationofthequeen，thatisamatterofpolitics，andwillbediscussedlater，initsproperplace。
DuringsubstantiallythewholeofhershortlifeoffiveorsixyearsthequeenlivesinEgyptiandarknessandstatelyseclusionoftheroyalapartments，withnoneaboutherbutplebeianservants，whogiveheremptylipaffectioninplaceofthelovewhichherhearthungersfor;whospyuponherintheinterestofherwaitingheirs，andreportandexaggerateherdefectsanddeficienciestothem;whofawnuponherandflatterhertoherfaceandslanderherbehindherback;whogrovelbeforeherinthedayofherpowerandforsakeherinherageandweakness。Thereshesits，friendless，uponherthronethroughthelongnightofherlife，cutofffromtheconsolingsympathiesandsweetcompanionshipandlovingendearmentswhichshecraves，bythegildedbarriersofherawfulrank;aforlornexileinherownhouseandhome，wearyobjectofformalceremoniesandmachinemadeworship，wingedchildofthesun，nativetothefreeairandtheblueskiesandthefloweryfields，doomedbythesplendidaccidentofherbirthtotradethispricelessheritageforablackcaptivity，atinselgrandeur，andalovelesslife，withshameandinsultattheendandacrueldeathandcondemnedbythehumaninstinctinhertoholdthebargainvaluable！
Huber，Lubbock，Maeterlinckinfact，allthegreatauthoritiesareagreedindenyingthatthebeeisamemberofthehumanfamily。Idonotknowwhytheyhavedonethis，butI
thinkitisfromdishonestmotives。Why，theinnumerablefactsbroughttolightbytheirownpainstakingandexhaustiveexperimentsprovethatifthereisamasterfoolintheworld，itisthebee。Thatseemstosettleit。
Butthatisthewayofthescientist。Hewillspendthirtyyearsinbuildingupamountainrangeoffactswiththeintenttoproveacertaintheory;thenheissohappyinhisachievementthatasaruleheoverlooksthemainchieffactofallthathisaccumulationprovesanentirelydifferentthing。Whenyoupointoutthismiscarriagetohimhedoesnotansweryourletters;whenyoucalltoconvincehim，theservantprevaricatesandyoudonotgetin。Scientistshaveodiousmanners，exceptwhenyoupropuptheirtheory;thenyoucanborrowmoneyofthem。
Tobestrictlyfair，Iwillconcedethatnowandthenoneofthemwillansweryourletter，butwhentheydotheyavoidtheissueyoucannotpinthemdown。WhenIdiscoveredthatthebeewashumanIwroteaboutittoallthosescientistswhomIhavejustmentioned。Forevasions，IhaveseennothingtoequaltheanswersIgot。
Afterthequeen，thepersonagenextinimportanceinthehiveisthevirgin。Thevirginsarefiftythousandoronehundredthousandinnumber，andtheyaretheworkers，thelaborers。Noworkisdone，inthehiveoroutofit，savebythem。Themalesdonotwork，thequeendoesnowork，unlesslayingeggsiswork，butitdoesnotseemsotome。Thereareonlytwomillionofthem，anyway，andalloffivemonthstofinishthecontractin。ThedistributionofworkinahiveisascleverlyandelaboratelyspecializedasitisinavastAmericanmachineshoporfactory。Abeethathasbeentrainedtooneofthemanyandvariousindustriesoftheconcerndoesn’tknowhowtoexerciseanyother，andwouldbeoffendedifaskedtotakeahandinanythingoutsideofherprofession。Sheisashumanasacook;andifyoushouldaskthecooktowaitonthetable，youknowwhatwillhappen。Cookswillplaythepianoifyoulike，buttheydrawthelinethere。InmytimeIhaveaskedacooktochopwood，andIknowaboutthesethings。Eventhehiredgirlhasherfrontiers;true，theyarevague，theyareilldefined，evenflexible，buttheyarethere。Thisisnotconjecture;itisfoundedontheabsolute。Andthenthebutler。Youaskthebutlertowashthedog。ItisjustasIsay;thereismuchtobelearnedintheseways，withoutgoingtobooks。Booksareverywell，butbooksdonotcoverthewholedomainofesthetichumanculture。
Prideofprofessionisoneoftheboniestbonesinexistence，ifnottheboniest。Withoutdoubtitissointhehive。
CONCERNINGTOBACCO
Asconcernstobacco，therearemanysuperstitions。AndthechiefestisthisthatthereisaSTANDARDgoverningthematter，whereasthereisnothingofthekind。Eachman’sownpreferenceistheonlystandardforhim，theonlyonewhichhecanaccept，theonlyonewhichcancommandhim。Acongressofallthetobaccoloversintheworldcouldnotelectastandardwhichwouldbebindinguponyouorme，orwouldevenmuchinfluenceus。
Thenextsuperstitionisthatamanhasastandardofhisown。
Hehasn’t。Hethinkshehas，buthehasn’t。Hethinkshecantellwhatheregardsasagoodcigarfromwhatheregardsasabadonebuthecan’t。Hegoesbythebrand，yetimagineshegoesbytheflavor。Onemaypalmofftheworstcounterfeituponhim;
ifitbearshisbrandhewillsmokeitcontentedlyandneversuspect。
Childrenoftwentyfive，whohavesevenyearsexperience，trytotellmewhatisagoodcigarandwhatisn’t。
Me，whoneverlearnedtosmoke，butalwayssmoked;
me，whocameintotheworldaskingforalight。
Noonecantellmewhatisagoodcigarforme。Iamtheonlyjudge。PeoplewhoclaimtoknowsaythatIsmoketheworstcigarsintheworld。Theybringtheirowncigarswhentheycometomyhouse。TheybetrayanunmanlyterrorwhenIofferthemacigar;theytellliesandhurryawaytomeetengagementswhichtheyhavenotmadewhentheyarethreatenedwiththehospitalitiesofmybox。Nowthen，observewhatsuperstition，assistedbyaman’sreputation，cando。Iwastohavetwelvepersonalfriendstosupperonenight。OneofthemwasasnotoriousforcostlyandelegantcigarsasIwasforcheapanddevilishones。Icalledathishouseandwhennoonewaslookingborrowedadoublehandfulofhisverychoicest;cigarswhichcosthimfortycentsapieceandboreredandgoldlabelsinsignoftheirnobility。Iremovedthelabelsandputthecigarsintoaboxwithmyfavoritebrandonitabrandwhichthosepeopleallknew，andwhichcowedthemasmenarecowedbyanepidemic。Theytookthesecigarswhenofferedattheendofthesupper，andlitthemandsternlystruggledwiththemindrearysilence，forhilaritydiedwhenthefellbrandcameintoviewandstartedaroundbuttheirfortitudeheldforashorttimeonly;thentheymadeexcusesandfiledout，treadingononeanother’sheelswithindecenteagerness;andinthemorningwhenIwentouttoobserveresultsthecigarslayallbetweenthefrontdoorandthegate。
AllexceptonethatonelayintheplateofthemanfromwhomI
hadcabbagedthelot。Oneortwowhiffswasallhecouldstand。
HetoldmeafterwardthatsomedayIwouldgetshotforgivingpeoplethatkindofcigarstosmoke。
AmIcertainofmyownstandard？Perfectly;yes，absolutelyunlesssomebodyfoolsmebyputtingmybrandonsomeotherkindofcigar;fornodoubtIamliketherest，andknowmycigarbythebrandinsteadofbytheflavor。However，mystandardisaprettywideoneandcoversagooddealofterritory。Tome，almostanycigarisgoodthatnobodyelsewillsmoke，andtomealmostallcigarsarebadthatotherpeopleconsidergood。
Nearlyanycigarwilldome，exceptaHavana。PeoplethinktheyhurtmyfeelingswhenthencometomyhousewiththeirlifepreserversonImean，withtheirowncigarsintheirpockets。
Itisanerror;Itakecareofmyselfinasimilarway。WhenI
gointodangerthatis，intorichpeople’shouses，where，inthenatureofthings，theywillhavehightariffcigars，redandgiltgirdedandnestedinarosewoodboxalongwithadampsponge，cigarswhichdevelopadismalblackashandburndownthesideandsmell，andwillgrowhottothefingers，andwillgoongrowinghotterandhotter，andgoonsmellingmoreandmoreinfamouslyandunendurablythedeeperthefiretunnelsdowninsidebelowthethimblefulofhonesttobaccothatisinthefrontend，thefurnisherofitpraisingitallthetimeandtellingyouhowmuchthedeadlythingcostyes，whenIgointothatsortofperilIcarrymyowndefensealong;IcarrymyownbrandtwentysevencentsabarrelandIlivetoseemyfamilyagain。Imayseemtolighthisredgarteredcigar，butthatisonlyforcourtesy’ssake;Ismuggleitintomypocketforthepoor，ofwhomIknowmany，andlightoneofmyown;andwhilehepraisesitIjoinin，butwhenhesaysitcostfortyfivecentsI
saynothing，forIknowbetter。
However，tosaytrue，mytastesaresocatholicthatIhaveneverseenanycigarsthatIreallycouldnotsmoke，exceptthosethatcostadollarapiece。Ihaveexaminedthoseandknowthattheyaremadeofdoghair，andnotgooddoghairatthat。
IhaveathoroughlysatisfactorytimeinEurope，forallovertheContinentonefindscigarswhichnoteventhemosthardenednewsboysinNewYorkwouldsmoke。Ibroughtcigarswithme，thelasttime;Iwillnotdothatanymore。InItaly，asinFrance，theGovernmentistheonlycigarpeddler。Italyhasthreeorfourdomesticbrands:theMinghetti，theTrabuco，theVirginia，andaverycoarseonewhichisamodificationoftheVirginia。TheMinghettisarelargeandcomely，andcostthreedollarsandsixtycentsahundred;Icansmokeahundredinsevendaysandenjoyeveryoneofthem。TheTrabucossuitme，too;I
don’tremembertheprice。ButonehastolearntoliketheVirginia，nobodyisbornfriendlytoit。Itlookslikearat
tailfile，butsmokesbetter，somethink。Ithasastrawthroughit;youpullthisout，anditleavesaflue，otherwisetherewouldbenodraught，notevenasmuchasthereistoanail。
Somepreferanailatfirst。However，IlikealltheFrench，Swiss，German，andItaliandomesticcigars，andhavenevercaredtoinquirewhattheyaremadeof;andnobodywouldknow，anyhow，perhaps。ThereisevenabrandofEuropeansmokingtobaccothatIlike。ItisabrandusedbytheItalianpeasants。Itislooseanddryandblack，andlooksliketeagrounds。Whenthefireisapplieditexpands，andclimbsupandtowersabovethepipe，andpresentlytumblesoffinsideofone’svest。Thetobaccoitselfischeap，butitraisestheinsurance。ItisasIremarkedinthebeginningthetastefortobaccoisamatterofsuperstition。
