“Theysay，“beganIvanIvanovitch，“thatthreekingshavedeclaredwaragainstourTzar。”
“Yes，PeterFeodorovitchtoldmeso。Whatsortofwaristhis，andwhyisit？“
“Icannotsayexactly，IvanNikiforovitch，whatthecauseis。I
supposethekingswantustoadopttheTurkishfaith。”
“Fools！Theywouldhaveit，“saidIvanNikiforovitch，raisinghishead。
“So，yousee，ourTzarhasdeclaredwarontheminconsequence。”No”
sayshe，”doyouadoptthefaithofChrist！”“
“Oh，ourpeoplewillbeatthem，IvanIvanovitch！“
“Theywill。Soyouwon”texchangethegun，IvanNikiforovitch？“
“It”sastrangethingtome，IvanIvanovitch，thatyou，whoseemtobeamandistinguishedforsense，shouldtalksuchnonsense。WhatafoolIshouldbe！“
“Sitdown，sitdown。Godbewithit！letitburst！Iwon”tmentionitagain。”
Atthismomentlunchwasbroughtin。
IvanIvanovitchdrankaglassandateapiewithsourcream。“Listen，IvanNikiforovitch：Iwillgiveyou，besidesthesow，twosacksofoats。Youdidnotsowanyoats。You”llhavetobuysomethisyearinanycase。”
“ByHeaven，IvanIvanovitch，Imusttellyouyouareveryfoolish！Whoeverheardofswappingagunfortwosacksofoats？Neverfear，youdon”tofferyourcoat。”
“Butyouforget，IvanNikiforovitch，thatIamtogiveyouthesowtoo。”
“What！twosacksofoatsandasowforagun？“
“Why，isittoolittle？“
“Foragun？“
“Ofcourse，foragun。”
“Twosacksforagun？“
“Twosacks，notempty，butfilledwithoats；andyou”veforgottenthesow。”
“Kissyoursow；andifyoudon”tlikethat，thengototheEvilOne！“
“Oh，getangrynow，do！Seehere；they”llstickyourtonguefullofred-hotneedlesintheotherworldforsuchgodlesswords。Afteraconversationwithyou，onehastowashone”sfaceandhandsandfumigateone”sself。”
“Excuseme，IvanIvanovitch；mygunisachoicething，amostcuriousthing；andbesides，itisaveryagreeabledecorationinaroom。”
“Yougoonlikeafoolaboutthatgunofyours，IvanNikiforovitch，“
saidIvanIvanovitchwithvexation；forhewasbeginningtobereallyangry。
“Andyou，IvanIvanovitch，arearegulargoose！“
IfIvanNikiforovitchhadnotutteredthatwordtheywouldnothavequarrelled，butwouldhavepartedfriendsasusual；butnowthingstookquiteanotherturn。IvanIvanovitchflewintoarage。
“Whatwasthatyousaid，IvanNikiforovitch？“hesaid，raisinghisvoice。
“Isaidyouwerelikeagoose，IvanIvanovitch！“
“Howdareyou，sir，forgetfulofdecencyandtherespectduetoaman”srankandfamily，insulthimwithsuchadisgracefulname！“
“Whatistheredisgracefulaboutit？Andwhyareyouflourishingyourhandsso，IvanIvanovitch？“
“Howdaredyou，Irepeat，indisregardofalldecency，callmeagoose？“
“Ispitonyourhead，IvanIvanovitch！Whatareyouscreechingabout？“
IvanIvanovitchcouldnolongercontrolhimself。Hislipsquivered；
hismouthlostitsusualVshape，andbecameliketheletterO；heglaredsothathewasterribletolookat。ThisveryrarelyhappenedwithIvanIvanovitch：itwasnecessarythatheshouldbeextremelyangryatfirst。
“Then，Ideclaretoyou，“exclaimedIvanIvanovitch，“thatIwillnolongerknowyou！“
“Agreatpity！ByHeaven，Ishallneverweeponthataccount！“
retortedIvanNikiforovitch。Helied，byHeaven，helied！foritwasveryannoyingtohim。
“Iwillneverputmyfootinsideyourhousegain！“
“Oho，ho！“saidIvanNikiforovitch，vexed，yetnotknowinghimselfwhattodo，andrisingtohisfeet，contrarytohiscustom。“Hey，there，woman，boy！“Thereuponthereappearedatthedoorthesamefatwomanandthesmallboy，nowenvelopedinalongandwidecoat。“TakeIvanIvanovitchbythearmsandleadhimtothedoor！“
“What！anobleman？“shoutedIvanIvanovitchwithafeelingofvexationanddignity。“Justdoitifyoudare！Comeon！I”llannihilateyouandyourstupidmaster。Thecrowswon”tbeabletofindyourbones。”IvanIvanovitchspokewithuncommonforcewhenhisspiritwasup。
Thegrouppresentedastrikingpicture：IvanNikiforovitchstandinginthemiddleoftheroom；thewomanwithhermouthwideopenandasenseless，terrifiedlookonherface，andIvanIvanovitchwithupliftedhand，astheRomantribunesaredepicted。Thiswasamagnificentspectacle：andyettherewasbutonespectator；theboyintheamplecoat，whostoodquitequietlyandpickedhisnosewithhisfinger。
FinallyIvanIvanovitchtookhishat。“Youhavebehavedwell，IvanNikiforovitch，extremelywell！Ishallrememberit。”
“Go，IvanIvanovitch，go！andseethatyoudon”tcomeinmyway：ifyoudo，I”llbeatyouruglyfacetoajelly，IvanIvanovitch！“
“Takethat，IvanNikiforovitch！“retortedIvanIvanovitch，makinganinsultinggestureandbangedthedoor，whichsqueakedandflewopenagainbehindhim。
IvanNikiforovitchappearedatitandwantedtoaddsomethingmore；
butIvanIvanovitchdidnotglancebackandhastenedfromtheyard。
CHAPTERIII
WHATTOOKPLACEAFTERIVANIVANOVITCH”SQUARRELWITH
IVANNIKIFOROVITCH
Andthustworespectablemen，theprideandhonourofMirgorod，hadquarrelled，andaboutwhat？Aboutabitofnonsense——agoose。Theywouldnotseeeachother，brokeoffallconnection，thoughhithertotheyhadbeenknownasthemostinseparablefriends。EverydayIvanIvanovitchandIvanNikiforovitchhadsenttoinquireabouteachother”shealth，andoftenconversedtogetherfromtheirbalconiesandsaidsuchcharmingthingsasdidtheheartgoodtolistento。OnSundays，IvanIvanovitch，inhislambskinpelisse，andIvanNikiforovitch，inhiscinnamon-colourednankeenspencer，usedtosetoutforchurchalmostarminarm；andifIvanIvanovitch，whohadremarkablysharpeyes，wasthefirsttocatchsightofapuddleoranydirtinthestreet，whichsometimeshappenedinMirgorod，healwayssaidtoIvanNikiforovitch，“Lookout！don”tputyourfootthere，it”sdirty。”IvanNikiforovitch，onhisside，exhibitedthesametouchingtokensoffriendship；andwheneverhechancedtobestanding，alwaysheldouthishandtoIvanIvanovitchwithhissnuff-box，saying：“Domethefavour！“Andwhatfinemanagersbothwere！——Andthesetwofriends！——WhenIheardofit，itstruckmelikeaflashoflightning。
ForalongtimeIwouldnotbelieveit。IvanIvanovitchquarrellingwithIvanNikiforovitch！Suchworthypeople！Whatistobedependedupon，then，inthisworld？
WhenIvanIvanovitchreachedhome，heremainedforsometimeinastateofstrongexcitement。Heusuallywent，firstofall，tothestabletoseewhetherhismarewaseatingherhay；forhehadabaymarewithawhitestaronherforehead，andaveryprettylittlemareshewastoo；thentofeedtheturkeysandthelittlepigswithhisownhand，andthentohisroom，whereheeithermadewoodendishes，forhecouldmakevariousvesselsofwoodverytastefully，quiteaswellasanyturner，orreadabookprintedbyLiubia，Garia，andPopoff(IvanIvanovitchcouldneverrememberthename，becausetheserving-maidhadlongbeforetornoffthetoppartofthetitle-pagewhileamusingthechildren)，orrestedonthebalcony。Butnowhedidnotbetakehimselftoanyofhisordinaryoccupations。Instead，onencounteringGapka，heatoncebegantoscoldherforloiteringaboutwithoutanyoccupation，thoughshewascarryinggroatstothekitchen；flungastickatacockwhichcameuponthebalconyforhiscustomarytreat；andwhenthedirtylittleboy，inhislittletornblouse，ranuptohimandshouted：“Papa，papa！givemeahoney-cake，“hethreatenedhimandstampedathimsofiercelythatthefrightenedchildfled，Godknowswhither。
Butatlasthebethoughthimself，andbegantobusyhimselfabouthisevery-dayduties。Hedinedlate，anditwasalmostnightwhenhelaydowntorestonthebalcony。Agoodbeet-soupwithpigeons，whichGapkahadcookedforhim，quitedrovefromhismindtheoccurrencesofthemorning。AgainIvanIvanovitchbegantogazeathisbelongingswithsatisfaction。Atlengthhiseyerestedontheneighbouringyard；
andhesaidtohimself，“IhavenotbeentoIvanNikiforovitch”sto-day：I”llgotherenow。”Sosaying，IvanIvanovitchtookhisstickandhishat，anddirectedhisstepstothestreet；butscarcelyhadhepassedthroughthegatethanherecollectedthequarrel，spit，andturnedback。AlmostthesamethinghappenedatIvanNikiforovitch”shouse。IvanIvanovitchsawthewomanputherfootonthefence，withtheintentionofclimbingoverintohisyard，whensuddenlyIvanNikiforovitch”svoicewasheardcrying：“Comeback！itwon”tdo！“ButIvanIvanovitchfounditverytiresome。ItisquitepossiblethattheseworthymenwouldhavemadetheirpeacenextdayifacertainoccurrenceinIvanNikiforovitch”shousehadnotdestroyedallhopesandpouredoiluponthefireofenmitywhichwasreadytodieout。
*
Ontheeveningofthatveryday，AgafyaFedosyevnaarrivedatIvanNikiforovitch”s。AgafyaFedosyevnawasnotIvanNikiforovitch”srelative，norhissister-in-law，norevenhisfellow-godparent。Thereseemedtobenoreasonwhysheshouldcometohim，andhewasnotparticularlygladofhercompany；still，shecame，andlivedonhimforweeksatatime，andevenlonger。Thenshetookpossessionofthekeysandtookthemanagementofthewholehouseintoherownhands。
ThiswasextremelydispleasingtoIvanNikiforovitch；buthe，tohisamazement，obeyedherlikeachild；andalthoughheoccasionallyattemptedtodispute，yetAgafyaFedosyevnaalwaysgotthebetterofhim。
ImustconfessthatIdonotunderstandwhythingsaresoarranged，thatwomenshouldseizeusbythenoseasdeftlyastheydothehandleofateapot。Eithertheirhandsaresoconstructedorelseournosesaregoodfornothingelse。AndnotwithstandingthefactthatIvanNikiforovitch”snosesomewhatresembledaplum，shegraspedthatnoseandledhimaboutafterherlikeadog。Heeven，inherpresence，involuntarilyalteredhisordinarymanneroflife。
AgafyaFedosyevnaworeacaponherhead，andacoffee-colouredcloakwithyellowflowersandhadthreewartsonhernose。Herfigurewaslikeacask，anditwouldhavebeenashardtotellwheretolookforherwaistasforhertoseehernosewithoutamirror。Herfeetweresmallandshapedliketwocushions。Shetalkedscandal，ateboiledbeet-soupinthemorning，andsworeextremely；andamidstallthesevariousoccupationshercountenanceneverforoneinstantchangeditsexpression，whichphenomenon，asarule，womenalonearecapableofdisplaying。
Assoonasshearrived，everythingwentwrong。
“IvanNikiforovitch，don”tyoumakepeacewithhim，noraskhisforgiveness；hewantstoruinyou；that”sthekindofmanheis！youdon”tknowhimyet！“Thatcursedwomanwhisperedandwhispered，andmanagedsothatIvanNikiforovitchwouldnotevenhearIvanIvanovitchmentioned。
Everythingassumedanotheraspect。Ifhisneighbour”sdogranintotheyard，itwasbeatenwithinaninchofitslife；thechildren，whoclimbedoverthefence，weresentbackwithhowls，theirlittleshirtsstrippedup，andmarksofaswitchbehind。Eventheoldwoman，whenIvanIvanovitchventuredtoaskheraboutsomething，didsomethingsoinsultingthatIvanIvanovitch，beinganextremelydelicateman，onlyspit，andmuttered，“Whatanastywoman！evenworsethanhermaster！“
Finally，asaclimaxtoalltheinsults，hishatedneighbourbuiltagoose-shedrightagainsthisfenceatthespotwheretheyusuallyclimbedover，asifwiththeexpressintentionofredoublingtheinsult。Thisshed，sohatefultoIvanIvanovitch，wasconstructedwithdiabolicalswiftness——inoneday。
ThisarousedwrathandadesireforrevengeinIvanIvanovitch。Heshowednosignsofbitterness，inspiteofthefactthattheshedencroachedonhisland；buthisheartbeatsoviolentlythatitwasextremelydifficultforhimtopreservehiscalmappearance。
Hepassedthedayinthismanner。Nightcame——Oh，ifIwereapainter，howmagnificentlyIwoulddepictthenight”scharms！IwoulddescribehowallMirgorodsleeps；howsteadilythemyriadsofstarsgazedownuponit；howtheapparentquietisfilledfarandnearwiththebarkingofdogs；howthelove-sicksacristanstealspastthem，andscalesthefencewithknightlyfearlessness；howthewhitewallsofthehouses，bathedinthemoonlight，growwhiterstill，theoverhangingtreesdarker；howtheshadowsofthetreesfallblacker，theflowersandthesilentgrassbecomemorefragrant，andthecrickets，unharmoniouscavaliersofthenight，strikeuptheirrattlingsonginfriendlyfashiononallsides。Iwoulddescribehow，inoneofthelittle，low-roofed，clayhouses，theblack-browedvillagemaid，tossingonherlonelycouch，dreamswithheavingbosomofsomehussar”sspursandmoustache，andhowthemoonlightsmilesuponhercheeks。Iwoulddescribehowtheblackshadowsofthebatsflitalongthewhiteroadbeforetheyalightuponthewhitechimneysofthecottages。
ButitwouldhardlybewithinmypowertodepictIvanIvanovitchashecreptoutthatnight，sawinhand；orthevariousemotionswrittenonhiscountenance！Quietly，mostquietly，hecrawledalongandclimbeduponthegoose-shed。IvanNikiforovitch”sdogsknewnothing，asyet，ofthequarrelbetweenthem；andsotheypermittedhim，asanoldfriend，toentertheshed，whichresteduponfouroakenposts。
Creepinguptothenearestpostheappliedhissawandbegantocut。
Thenoiseproducedbythesawcausedhimtoglanceabouthimeverymoment，buttherecollectionoftheinsultrestoredhiscourage。Thefirstpostwassawedthrough。IvanIvanovitchbeganuponthenext。Hiseyesburnedandhesawnothingforterror。
Allatonceheutteredanexclamationandbecamepetrifiedwithfear。
Aghostappearedtohim；buthespeedilyrecoveredhimselfonperceivingthatitwasagoose，thrustingitsneckoutathim。IvanIvanovitchspitwithvexationandproceededwithhiswork。Thesecondpostwassawedthrough；thebuildingtrembled。Hisheartbeatsoviolentlywhenhebeganonthethird，thathehadtostopseveraltimes。Thepostwasmorethanhalfsawedthroughwhenthefrailbuildingquiveredviolently。
IvanIvanovitchhadbarelytimetospringbackwhenitcamedownwithacrash。Seizinghissaw，heranhomeinthegreatestterrorandflunghimselfuponhisbed，withouthavingsufficientcouragetopeepfromthewindowattheconsequencesofhisterribledeed。ItseemedtohimasthoughIvanNikiforovitch”sentirehousehold——theoldwoman，IvanNikiforovitch，theboyintheendlesscoat，allwithsticks，andledbyAgafyaFedosyevna——werecomingtoteardownanddestroyhishouse。
IvanIvanovitchpassedthewholeofthefollowingdayinaperfectfever。Itseemedtohimthathisdetestedneighbourwouldsetfiretohishouseatleastinrevengeforthis；andsohegaveorderstoGapkatokeepaconstantlookout，everywhere，andseewhetherdrystrawwerelaidagainstitanywhere。Finally，inordertoforestallIvanNikiforovitch，hedeterminedtoenteracomplaintagainsthimbeforethedistrictjudgeofMirgorod。Inwhatitconsistedcanbelearnedfromthefollowingchapter。
CHAPTERIV
WHATTOOKPLACEBEFORETHEDISTRICTJUDGEOFMIRGOROD
AwonderfultownisMirgorod！Howmanybuildingsaretherewithstraw，rush，andevenwoodenroofs！Ontherightisastreet，ontheleftastreet，andfinefenceseverywhere。Overthemtwinehop-vines，uponthemhangpots；frombehindthemthesunflowersshowtheirsun-likeheads，poppiesblush，fatpumpkinspeep；allisluxuryitself！Thefenceisinvariablygarnishedwitharticleswhichrenderitstillmorepicturesque：woman”swidespreadundergarmentsofcheckedwoollenstuff，shirts，ortrousers。ThereisnosuchthingastheftorrascalityinMirgorod，soeverybodyhangsuponhisfencewhateverstrikeshisfancy。Ifyougoontothesquare，youwillsurelystopandadmiretheview：suchawonderfulpoolisthere！Thefinestyoueversaw。Itoccupiesnearlythewholeofthesquare。Atrulymagnificentpool！Thehousesandcottages，whichatadistancemightbemistakenforhayricks，standaroundit，lostinadmirationofitsbeauty。
ButIagreewiththosewhothinkthatthereisnobetterhousethanthatofthedistrictjudge。Whetheritisofoakorbirchisnothingtothepoint；butithas，mydearsirs，eightwindows！eightwindowsinarow，lookingdirectlyonthesquareanduponthatwateryexpansewhichIhavejustmentioned，andwhichthechiefofpolicecallsalake。Italoneispaintedthecolourofgranite。AlltheotherhousesinMirgorodaremerelywhitewashed。Itsroofisofwood，andwouldhavebeenevenpaintedred，hadnotthegovernmentclerkseatentheoilwhichhadbeenpreparedforthatpurpose，asithappenedduringafast；andsotheroofremainedunpainted。Towardsthesquareprojectsaporch，whichthechickensfrequentlyvisit，becausethatporchisnearlyalwaysstrewnwithgrainorsomethingedible，notintentionally，butthroughthecarelessnessofvisitors。
Thehouseisdividedintotwoparts：oneofwhichisthecourt-room；
theotherthejail。Inthehalfwhichcontainsthecourt-roomaretwoneat，whitewashedrooms，thefrontoneforclients，theotherhavingatableadornedwithink-spots，andwithalooking-glassuponit，andfouroakchairswithtallbacks；whilstalongthewallstandiron-boundchests，inwhicharepreservedbundlesofpapersrelatingtodistrictlaw-suits。Upononeofthechestsstoodatthattimeapairofboots，polishedwithwax。
Thecourthadbeenopensincemorning。Thejudge，aratherstoutman，thoughthinnerthanIvanNikiforovitch，withagood-naturedface，agreasydressing-gown，apipe，andacupoftea，wasconversingwiththeclerkofthecourt。
Thejudge”slipsweredirectlyunderhisnose，sothathecouldsnuffhisupperlipasmuchasheliked。Itservedhiminsteadofasnuff-box，forthesnuffintendedforhisnosealmostalwayslodgeduponit。Sothejudgewastalkingwiththeassistant。Abarefootedgirlstoodholdingatraywithcupsatoncesideofthem。Attheendofthetable，thesecretarywasreadingthedecisioninsomecase，butinsuchamournfulandmonotonousvoicethatthecondemnedmanhimselfwouldhavefallenasleepwhilelisteningtoit。Thejudge，nodoubt，wouldhavebeenthefirsttodosohadhenotenteredintoanengrossingconversationwhileitwasgoingon。
“Iexpresslytriedtofindout，“saidthejudge，sippinghisalreadycoldteafromthecup，“howtheymanagetosingsowell。Ihadasplendidthrushtwoyearsago。Well，allofasuddenhewascompletelydonefor，andbegantosing，Godknowswhat！Hegotworseandworseandworseandworseastimewenton；hebegantorattleandgethoarse——justgoodfornothing！Andthisishowithappened：alittlelump，notsobigasapea，hadcomeunderhisthroat。Itwasonlynecessarytoprickthatlittleswellingwithaneedle——ZacharProkofievitchtaughtmethat；and，ifyoulike，I”lljusttellyouhowitwas。Iwenttohim”
“ShallIreadanother，DemyanDemyanovitch？“brokeinthesecretary，whohadnotbeenreadingforseveralminutes。
“Haveyoufinishedalready？Onlythinkhowquickly！AndIdidnothearawordofit！Whereisit？GiveitmeandI”llsignit。Whatelsehaveyouthere？“
“ThecaseofCossackBokitokforstealingacow。”
“Verygood；readit！——Yes，soIwenttohim——Icaneventellyouindetailhowheentertainedme。Therewasvodka，anddriedsturgeon，excellent！Yes，notoursturgeon，“therethejudgesmackedhistongueandsmiled，uponwhichhisnosetookasniffatitsusualsnuff-box，“suchasourMirgorodshopssellus。Iatenoherrings，for，asyouknow，theygivemeheart-burn；butItastedthecaviare——veryfinecaviare，too！There”snodoubtit，excellent！ThenIdranksomepeach-brandy，realgentian。Therewassaffron-brandyalso；but，asyouknow，Inevertakethat。Yousee，itwasallverygood。Inthefirstplace，towhetyourappetite，astheysay，andthentosatisfyit——
Ah！speakofanangel，“exclaimedthejudge，allatonce，catchingsightofIvanIvanovitchasheentered。
“Godbewithus！Iwishyouagood-morning，“saidIvanIvanovitch，bowingallroundwithhisusualpoliteness。Howwellheunderstoodtheartoffascinatingeverybodyinhismanner！Ineverbeheldsuchrefinement。Heknewhisownworthquitewell，andthereforelookedforuniversalrespectashisdue。ThejudgehimselfhandedIvanIvanovitchachair；andhisnoseinhaledallthesnuffrestingonhisupperlip，which，withhim，wasalwaysasignofgreatpleasure。
“Whatwillyoutake，IvanIvanovitch？“heinquired：“willyouhaveacupoftea？“
“No，muchobliged，“repliedIvanIvanovitch，ashebowedandseatedhimself。
“Domethefavour——onelittlecup，“repeatedthejudge。
“No，thankyou；muchobligedforyourhospitality，“repliedIvanIvanovitch，androse，bowed，andsatdownagain。
“Justonelittlecup，“repeatedthejudge。
“No，donottroubleyourself，DemyanDemyanovitch。”WhereuponIvanIvanovitchagainrose，bowed，andsatdown。
“Alittlecup！“
“Verywell，then，justalittlecup，“saidIvanIvanovitch，andreachedouthishandtothetray。Heavens！Whataheightofrefinementtherewasinthatman！Itisimpossibletodescribewhatapleasantimpressionsuchmannersproduce！
“Willyounothaveanothercup？“
“Ithankyousincerely，“answeredIvanIvanovitch，turninghiscupupsidedownuponthetrayandbowing。
“Domethefavour，IvanIvanovitch。”
“Icannot；muchobliged。”ThereuponIvanIvanovitchbowedandsatdown。
“IvanIvanovitch，forthesakeofourfriendship，justonelittlecup！“
“No：Iamextremelyindebtedforyourhospitality。”Sosaying，IvanIvanovitchbowedandseatedhimself。
“Onlyacup，onelittlecup！“
IvanIvanovitchputhishandouttothetrayandtookacup。Oh，thedeuce！Howcanamancontrivetosupporthisdignity！
“DemyanDemyanovitch，“saidIvanIvanovitch，swallowingthelastdrain，“Ihavepressingbusinesswithyou；Iwanttoenteracomplaint。”
ThenIvanIvanovitchsetdownhiscup，anddrewfromhispocketasheetofstampedpaper，writtenover。“Acomplaintagainstmyenemy，mydeclaredenemy。”
“Andwhoisthat？“
“IvanNikiforovitchDovgotchkun。”
Atthesewords，thejudgenearlyfelloffhischair。“Whatdoyousay？“heexclaimed，claspinghishands；“IvanIvanovitch，isthisyou？“
“YouseeyourselfthatitisI。”
“TheLordandallthesaintsbewithyou！What！You！IvanIvanovitch！
youhavefallenoutwithIvanNikiforovitch！Isityourmouthwhichsaysthat？Repeatit！Isnotsomeonehidbehindyouwhoisspeakinginsteadofyou？“
“Whatisthereincredibleaboutit？Ican”tendurethesightofhim：
hehasdonemeadeadlyinjury——hehasinsultedmyhonour。”
“HolyTrinity！HowamItobelievemymothernow？Why，everyday，whenIquarrelwithmysister，theoldwomansays，”Children，youlivetogetherlikedogs。IfyouwouldonlytakepatternbyIvanIvanovitchandIvanNikiforovitch，theyarefriendsindeed！suchfriends！suchworthypeople！”Thereyouarewithyourfriend！Tellmewhatthisisabout。Howisit？“
“Itisadelicatebusiness，DemyanDemyanovitch；itisimpossibletorelateitinwords：bepleasedrathertoreadmyplaint。Here，takeitbythisside；itismoreconvenient。”
“Readit，TarasTikhonovitch，“saidthejudge，turningtothesecretary。
TarasTikhonovitchtooktheplaint；andblowinghisnose，asalldistrictjudges”secretariesblowtheirnoses，withtheassistanceoftwofingers，hebegantoread：——
“FromthenoblemanandlandedproprietoroftheMirgorodDistrict，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，aplaint：concerningwhichthefollowingpointsaretobenoted：——
“1。IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，nobleman，knowntoalltheworldforhisgodlessacts，whichinspiredisgust，andinlawlessnessexceedallbounds，ontheseventhdayofJulyofthisyear1810，inflicteduponmeadeadlyinsult，touchingmypersonalhonour，andlikewisetendingtothehumiliationandconfusionofmyrankandfamily。Thesaidnobleman，ofrepulsiveaspect，hasalsoapugnaciousdisposition，andisfulltooverflowingwithblasphemyandquarrelsomewords。”
Herethereaderpausedforaninstanttoblowhisnoseagain；butthejudgefoldedhishandsinapprobationandmurmuredtohimself，“Whatareadypen！Lord！howthismandoeswrite！“
IvanIvanovitchrequestedthatthereadingmightproceed，andTarasTikhonovitchwenton：——
“ThesaidIvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，whenIwenttohimwithafriendlyproposition，calledmepubliclybyanepithetinsultingandinjurioustomyhonour，namely，agoose，whereasitisknowntothewholedistrictofMirgorod，thatIneverwasnamedafterthatdisgustingcreature，andhavenointentionofeverbeingnamedafterit。Theproofofmynobleextractionisthat，inthebaptismalregistertobefoundintheChurchoftheThreeBishops，thedayofmybirth，andlikewisethefactofmybaptism，areinscribed。Butagoose，asiswellknowntoeveryonewhohasanyknowledgeofscience，cannotbeinscribedinthebaptismalregister；foragooseisnotamanbutafowl；which，likewise，issufficientlywellknowneventopersonswhohavenotbeentocollege。Butthesaidevil-mindednobleman，beingprivytoallthesefacts，affrontedmewiththeaforesaidfoulword，fornootherpurposethantoofferadeadlyinsulttomyrankandstation。
“2。Andthesameimpoliteandindecentnobleman，moreover，attemptedinjurytomyproperty，inheritedbymefrommyfather，amemberoftheclericalprofession，IvanPererepenko，sonofOnisieff，ofblessedmemory，inasmuchthathe，contrarytoalllaw，transporteddirectlyoppositemyporchagoose-shed，whichwasdonewithnootherintentionthattoemphasisetheinsultofferedme；forthesaidshedhad，uptothattime，stoodinaverysuitablesituation，andwasstillsufficientlystrong。Buttheloathsomeintentionoftheaforesaidnoblemanconsistedsimplyinthis：viz。，inmakingmeawitnessofunpleasantoccurrences；foritiswellknownthatnomangoesintoashed，muchlessintoagoose-shed，forpolitepurposes。Intheexecutionofhislawlessdeed，thetwofrontpoststrespassedonmyland，receivedbymeduringthelifetimeofmyfather，IvanPererepenko，sonofOnisieff，ofblessedmemory，beginningatthegranary，thenceinastraightlinetothespotwherethewomenwashthepots。
“3。Theabove-describednobleman，whoseverynameandsurnameinspirethoroughdisgust，cherishesinhismindamaliciousdesigntoburnmeinmyownhouse。Whichtheinfalliblesigns，hereinaftermentioned，fullydemonstrate；inthefirstplace，thesaidwickednoblemanhasbeguntoemergefrequentlyfromhisapartments，whichheneverdidformerlyonaccountofhislazinessandthedisgustingcorpulenceofhisbody；inthesecondplace，inhisservants”apartments，adjoiningthefence，surroundingmyownland，receivedbymefrommyfatherofblessedmemory，IvanPererepenko，sonofOnisieff，alightburnseveryday，andforaremarkablylongperiodoftime，whichisalsoaclearproofofthefact。Forhitherto，owingtohisrepulsiveniggardliness，notonlythetallow-candlebutalsothegrease-lamphasbeenextinguished。
“AndthereforeIpraythatthesaidnobleman，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，beingplainlyguiltyofincendiarism，ofinsulttomyrank，name，andfamily，andofillegalappropriationofmyproperty，and，worsethanallelse，ofmaliciousanddeliberateadditiontomysurname，ofthenicknameofgoose，becondemnedbythecourt，tofine，satisfaction，costs，anddamages，and，beingchained，beremovedtothetownjail，andthatjudgmentberendereduponthis，myplaint，immediatelyandwithoutdelay。
“WrittenandcomposedbyIvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，nobleman，andlandedproprietorofMirgorod。”
Afterthereadingoftheplaintwasconcluded，thejudgeapproachedIvanovitch，tookhimbythebutton，andbegantotalktohimafterthisfashion：“Whatareyoudoing，IvanIvanovitch？FearGod！throwawaythatplaint，letitgo！maySatancarryitoff！BettertakeIvanNikiforovitchbythehandandkisshim，buysomeSanturinskiorNikopolskiliquor，makeapunch，andcallmein。Wewilldrinkituptogetherandforgetallunpleasantness。”
“No，DemyanDemyanovitch！it”snotthatsortofanaffair，“saidIvanIvanovitch，withthedignitywhichalwaysbecamehimsowell；“itisnotanaffairwhichcanbearrangedbyafriendlyagreement。Farewell！
Good-daytoyou，too，gentlemen，“hecontinuedwiththesamedignity，turningtothemall。“Ihopethatmyplaintwillleadtoproperactionbeingtaken；“andouthewent，leavingallpresentinastateofstupefaction。
Thejudgesatdownwithoututteringaword；thesecretarytookapinchofsnuff；theclerksupsetsomebrokenfragmentsofbottleswhichservedforinkstands；andthejudgehimself，inabsenceofmind，spreadoutapuddleofinkuponthetablewithhisfinger。
“Whatdoyousaytothis，DorofeiTrofimovitch？“saidthejudge，turningtotheassistantafterapause。
“I”venothingtosay，“repliedtheclerk。
“Whatthingsdohappen！“continuedthejudge。HehadnotfinishedsayingthisbeforethedoorcreakedandthefronthalfofIvanNikiforovitchpresenteditselfinthecourt-room；therestofhimremainingintheante-room。TheappearanceofIvanNikiforovitch，andincourttoo，seemedsoextraordinarythatthejudgescreamed；thesecretarystoppedreading；oneclerk，inhisfriezeimitationofadress-coat，tookhispeninhislips；andtheotherswallowedafly。
Eventheconstableondutyandthewatchman，adischargedsoldierwhouptothatmomenthadstoodbythedoorscratchingabouthisdirtytunic，withchevronsonitsarm，droppedhisjawandtrodonsomeone”sfoot。
“Whatchancebringsyouhere？Howisyourhealth，IvanNikiforovitch？“
ButIvanNikiforovitchwasneitherdeadnoralive；forhewasstuckfastinthedoor，andcouldnottakeastepeitherforwardsorbackwards。Invaindidthejudgeshoutintotheante-roomthatsomeonethereshouldpushIvanNikiforovitchforwardintothecourt-room。
Intheante-roomtherewasonlyoneoldwomanwithapetition，who，inspiteofalltheeffortsofherbonyhands，couldaccomplishnothing。
Thenoneoftheclerks，withthicklips，athicknose，eyeswhichlookedaskanceandintoxicated，broadshoulders，andraggedelbows，approachedthefronthalfofIvanNikiforovitch，crossedhishandsforhimasthoughhehadbeenachild，andwinkedattheoldsoldier，whobracedhiskneeagainstIvanNikiforovitch”sbelly，so，inspiteofthelatter”spiteousmoans，hewassqueezedoutintotheante-room。
Thentheypulledthebolts，andopenedtheotherhalfofthedoor。
Meanwhiletheclerkandhisassistant，breathinghardwiththeirfriendlyexertions，exhaledsuchastrongodourthatthecourt-roomseemedtemporarilyturnedintoadrinking-room。
“Areyouhurt，IvanNikiforovitch？Iwilltellmymothertosendyouadecoctionofbrandy，withwhichyouneedbuttorubyourbackandstomachandallyourpainswilldisappear。”
ButIvanNikiforovitchdroppedintoachair，andcouldutternowordbeyondprolongedoh”s。Finally，inafaintandbarelyaudiblevoicefromfatigue，heexclaimed，“Wouldn”tyoulikesome？“anddrawinghissnuff-boxfromhispocket，added，“Helpyourself，ifyouplease。”
“Verygladtoseeyou，“repliedthejudge；“butIcannotconceivewhatmadeyouputyourselftosomuchtrouble，andfavouruswithsounexpectedanhonour。”
“Aplaint！“IvanNikiforovitchmanagedtoejaculate。
“Aplaint？Whatplaint？“
“Acomplaint……”herehisasthmaentailedaprolongedpause”Oh！acomplaintagainstthatrascal——IvanIvanovitchPererepenko！“
“Andyoutoo！Suchparticularfriends！Acomplaintagainstsuchabenevolentman？“
“He”sSatanhimself！“ejaculatedIvanNikiforovitchabruptly。
Thejudgecrossedhimself。
“Takemyplaint，andreadit。”
“Thereisnothingtobedone。Readit，TarasTikhonovitch，“saidthejudge，turningtothesecretarywithanexpressionofdispleasure，whichcausedhisnosetosniffathisupperlip，whichgenerallyoccurredonlyasasignofgreatenjoyment。Thisindependenceonthepartofhisnosecausedthejudgestillgreatervexation。Hepulledouthishandkerchief，andrubbedoffallthesnufffromhisupperlipinordertopunishitforitsdaring。
Thesecretary，havinggonethroughtheusualperformance，whichhealwaysindulgedinbeforehebegantoread，thatistosay，blowinghisnosewithouttheaidofapocket-handkerchief，beganinhisordinaryvoice，inthefollowingmanner：——
“IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，noblemanoftheMirgorodDistrict，presentsaplaint，andbegstocallattentiontothefollowingpoints：——
“1。Throughhishatefulmaliceandplainlymanifestedill-will，thepersoncallinghimselfanobleman，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，perpetratesagainstmeeverymannerofinjury，damage，andlikespitefuldeeds，whichinspiremewithterror。Yesterdayafternoon，likeabrigandandthief，withaxes，saws，chisels，andvariouslocksmith”stools，hecamebynightintomyyardandintomyowngoose-shedlocatedwithinit，andwithhisownhand，andinoutrageousmanner，destroyedit；forwhichveryillegalandburglariousdeedonmysideIgavenomannerofcause。
“2。ThesamenoblemanPererepenkohasdesignsuponmylife；andonthe7thoflastmonth，cherishingthisdesigninsecret，hecametome，andbegan，inafriendlyandinsidiousmanner，toaskofmeagunwhichwasinmychamber，andofferedmeforit，withthemiserlinesspeculiartohim，manyworthlessobjects，suchasabrownsowandtwosacksofoats。Diviningatthattimehiscriminalintentions，I
endeavouredineverywaytodissuadehimfromit：butthesaidrascalandscoundrel，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，abusedmelikeamuzhik，andsincethattimehascherishedagainstmeanirreconcilableenmity。
Hissisterwaswellknowntoeveryoneasaloosecharacter，andwentoffwitharegimentofchasseurswhichwasstationedatMirgorodfiveyearsago；butsheinscribedherhusbandasapeasant。Hisfatherandmothertoowerenotlaw-abidingpeople，andbothwereinconceivabledrunkards。Theafore-mentionednoblemanandrobber，Pererepenko，inhisbeastlyandblameworthyactions，goesbeyondallhisfamily，andundertheguiseofpietydoesthemostimmoralthings。Hedoesnotobservethefasts；forontheeveofSt。Philip”sthisatheistboughtasheep，andnextdayorderedhismistress，Gapka，tokillit，allegingthatheneededtallowforlampsandcandlesatonce。
“ThereforeIpraythatthesaidnobleman，amanifestrobber，church-thief，andrascal，convictedofplunderingandstealing，maybeputinirons，andconfinedinthejailorthegovernmentprison，andthere，undersupervision，deprivedofhisrankandnobility，wellflogged，andbanishedtoforcedlabourinSiberia，andthathemaybecommandedtopaydamagesandcosts，andthatjudgmentmayberenderedonthismypetition。
“Tothisplaint，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，nobleoftheMirgoroddistrict，hassethishand。”
Assoonasthesecretaryhadfinishedreading，IvanNikiforovitchseizedhishatandbowed，withtheintentionofdeparting。
“Whereareyougoing，IvanNikiforovitch？“thejudgecalledafterhim。
“Sitdownalittlewhile。Havesometea。Orishko，whyareyoustandingthere，youstupidgirl，winkingattheclerks？Go，bringtea。”
ButIvanNikiforovitch，interrorathavinggotsofarfromhome，andathavingundergonesuchafearfulquarantine，madehastetocrawlthroughthedoor，saying，“Don”ttroubleyourself。ItiswithpleasurethatI”andcloseditafterhim，leavingallpresentstupefied。
Therewasnothingtobedone。Bothplaintswereentered；andtheaffairpromisedtoassumeasufficientlyseriousaspectwhenanunforeseenoccurrencelentanaddedinteresttoit。Asthejudgewasleavingthecourtincompanywiththeclerkandsecretary，andtheemployeeswerethrustingintosacksthefowls，eggs，loaves，pies，cracknels，andotheroddsandendsbroughtbytheplaintiffs——justatthatmomentabrownsowrushedintotheroomandsnatched，totheamazementofthespectators，neitherapienoracrustofbreadbutIvanNikiforovitch”splaint，whichlayattheendofthetablewithitsleaveshangingover。Havingseizedthedocument，mistresssowranoffsobrisklythatnotoneoftheclerksorofficialscouldcatchher，inspiteoftherulersandink-bottlestheyhurledafterher。
Thisextraordinaryoccurrenceproducedaterriblemuddle，fortherehadnotevenbeenacopytakenoftheplaint。Thejudge，thatistosay，hissecretaryandtheassistantdebatedforalongtimeuponsuchanunheard-ofaffair。Finallyitwasdecidedtowriteareportofthemattertothegovernor，astheinvestigationofthematterpertainedmoretothedepartmentofthecitypolice。ReportNo。389wasdespatchedtohimthatsameday；andalsouponthatdaytherecametolightasufficientlycuriousexplanation，whichthereadermaylearnfromthefollowingchapter。
CHAPTERV
INWHICHAREDETAILEDTHEDELIBERATIONSOFTWO
IMPORTANTPERSONAGESOFMIRGOROD
AssoonasIvanIvanovitchhadarrangedhisdomesticaffairsandsteppedoutuponthebalcony，accordingtohiscustom，toliedown，hesaw，tohisindescribableamazement，somethingredatthegate。Thiswastheredfacingsofthechiefofpolice”scoat，whichwerepolishedequallywithhiscollar，andresembledvarnishedleatherontheedges。
IvanIvanovitchthoughttohimself，“It”snotbadthatPeterFeodorovitchhascometotalkitoverwithme。”Buthewasverymuchsurprisedtoseethatthechiefwaswalkingremarkablyfastandflourishinghishands，whichwasveryrarelythecasewithhim。Therewereeightbuttonsonthechiefofpolice”suniform：theninth，tornoffinsomemannerduringtheprocessionattheconsecrationofthechurchtwoyearsbefore，thepolicehadnotbeenabletofinduptothistime：althoughthechief，ontheoccasionofthedailyreportsmadetohimbythesergeants，alwaysasked，“Hasthatbuttonbeenfound？“Theseeightbuttonswerestrewnabouthimaswomensowbeans——onetotherightandonetotheleft。Hisleftfoothadbeenstruckbyaballinthelastcampaign，andsohelimpedandthrewitoutsofartoonesideastoalmostcounteracttheeffortsoftherightfoot。Themorebrisklythechiefofpoliceworkedhiswalkingapparatusthelessprogresshemadeinadvance。Sowhilehewasgettingtothebalcony，IvanIvanovitchhadplentyoftimetolosehimselfinsurmisesastowhythechiefwasflourishinghishandssovigorously。Thisinterestedhimthemore，asthematterseemedoneofunusualimportance；forthechiefhadonanewdagger。
“Goodmorning，PeterFeodorovitch！“criedIvanIvanovitch，whowas，ashasalreadybeenstated，exceedinglycurious，andcouldnotrestrainhisimpatienceasthechiefofpolicebegantoascendtothebalcony，yetneverraisedhiseyes，andkeptgrumblingathisfoot，whichcouldnotbepersuadedtomountthestepatthefirstattempt。
“Iwishmygoodfriendandbenefactor，IvanIvanovitch，agood-day，“
repliedthechief。
“Praysitdown。Iseethatyouareweary，asyourlamefoothinders”
“Myfoot！“screamedthechief，bestowinguponIvanIvanovitchaglancesuchasagiantmightcastuponapigmy，apedantuponadancing-master：andhestretchedouthisfootandstampeduponthefloorwithit。Thisboldnesscosthimdear；forhiswholebodywaveredandhisnosestrucktherailing；butthebravepreserveroforder，withthepurposeofmakinglightofit，rightedhimselfimmediately，andbegantofeelinhispocketasiftogethissnuff-box。“Imustreporttoyou，mydearfriendandbenefactor，IvanIvanovitch，thatneverinallmydayshaveImadesuchamarch。Yes，seriously。Forinstance，duringthecampaignof1807——Ah！IwilltelltoyouhowI
crawledthroughtheenclosuretoseeaprettylittleGerman。”Herethechiefclosedoneeyeandexecutedadiabolicallyslysmile。
“Wherehaveyoubeento-day？“askedIvanIvanovitch，wishingtocutthechiefshortandbringhimmorespeedilytotheobjectofhisvisit。Hewouldhaveverymuchlikedtoinquirewhatthechiefmeanttotellhim，buthisextensiveknowledgeoftheworldshowedhimtheimproprietyofsuchaquestion；andsohehadtokeephimselfwellinhandandawaitasolution，hisheart，meanwhile，beatingwithunusualforce。
“Ah，excuseme！Iwasgoingtotellyou——wherewasI？“answeredthechiefofpolice。“Inthefirstplace，Ireportthattheweatherisfineto-day。”
Attheselastwords，IvanIvanovitchnearlydied。
“Butpermitme，“wentonthechief。“Ihavecometoyouto-dayaboutaveryimportantaffair。”Herethechief”sfaceandbearingassumedthesamecarewornaspectwithwhichhehadascendedtothebalcony。
IvanIvanovitchbreathedagain，andshookasifinafever，omittingnot，aswashishabit，toputaquestion。“Whatistheimportantmatter？Isitimportant？“
“Prayjudgeforyourself；inthefirstplaceIventuretoreporttoyou，dearfriendandbenefactor，IvanIvanovitch，thatyou——Ibegyoutoobservethat，formyownpart，Ishouldhavenothingtosay；buttherulesofgovernmentrequireit——thatyouhavetransgressedtherulesofpropriety。”
“Whatdoyoumean，PeterFeodorovitch？Idon”tunderstandatall。”
“Pardonme，IvanIvanovitch！howcanitbethatyoudonotunderstand？
Yourownbeasthasdestroyedanimportantgovernmentdocument；andyoucanstillsay，afterthat，thatyoudonotunderstand！“
“Whatbeast？“
“Yourownbrownsow，withyourpermission，beitsaid。”
“HowcanIberesponsible？Whydidthedoor-keeperofthecourtopenthedoor？“
“But，IvanIvanovitch，yourownbrownsow。Youmustberesponsible。”
“Iamextremelyobligedtoyouforcomparingmetoasow。”
“ButIdidnotsaythat，IvanIvanovitch！ByHeaven！Ididnotsayso！
Prayjudgefromyourownclearconscience。Itisknowntoyouwithoutdoubt，thatinaccordancewiththeviewsofthegovernment，uncleananimalsareforbiddentoroamaboutthetown，particularlyintheprincipalstreets。Admit，now，thatitisprohibited。”
“Godknowswhatyouaretalkingabout！Amightyimportantbusinessthatasowgotintothestreet！“
“Permitmetoinformyou，IvanIvanovitch，permitme，permitme，thatthisisutterlyinadvisable。Whatistobedone？Theauthoritiescommand，wemustobey。Idon”tdenythatsometimeschickensandgeeserunaboutthestreet，andevenaboutthesquare，prayobserve，chickensandgeese；butonlylastyear，Igaveordersthatpigsandgoatswerenottobeadmittedtothepublicsquares，whichregulationsIdirectedtobereadaloudatthetimebeforeallthepeople。”
“No，PeterFeodorovitch，Iseenothinghereexceptthatyouaredoingyourbesttoinsultme。”
“Butyoucannotsaythat，mydearestfriendandbenefactor，thatI
havetriedtoinsultyou。Bethinkyourself：Ineversaidawordtoyoulastyearwhenyoubuiltaroofawholefoothigherthanisallowedbylaw。Onthecontrary，Ipretendednottohaveobservedit。Believeme，mydearestfriend，evennow，Iwould，sotospeak——butmyduty——inaword，mydutydemandsthatIshouldhaveaneyetocleanliness。Justjudgeforyourself，whensuddenlyintheprincipalstreet”
“Fineprincipalstreetsyoursare！Everywomangoesthereandthrowsdownanyrubbishshechooses。”
“Permitmetoinformyou，IvanIvanovitch，thatitisyouwhoareinsultingme。Thatdoessometimeshappen，but，asarule，onlybesidesfences，sheds，orstorehouses；butthatafilthysowshouldintrudeherselfinthemainstreet，inthesquare，nowisamatter”
“Whatsortofamatter？PeterFeodorovitch！surelyasowisoneofGod”screatures！“
“Agreed。Everybodyknowsthatyouarealearnedman，thatyouareacquaintedwithsciencesandvariousothersubjects。Ineverstudiedthesciences：Ibegantolearntowriteinmythirteenthyear。OfcourseyouknowthatIwasasoldierintheranks。”
“Hm！“saidIvanIvanovitch。
“Yes，“continuedthechiefofpolice，“in1801IwasintheForty-secondRegimentofchasseurs，lieutenantinthefourthcompany。
Thecommanderofourcompanywas，ifImaybepermittedtomentionit，CaptainEremeeff。”Thereuponthechiefofpolicethrusthisfingersintothesnuff-boxwhichIvanIvanovitchwasholdingopen，andstirredupthesnuff。
IvanIvanovitchanswered，“Hm！“
“Butmyduty，“wentonthechiefofpolice，“istoobeythecommandsoftheauthorities。Doyouknow，IvanIvanovitch，thatapersonwhopurloinsagovernmentdocumentinthecourt-roomincurscapitalpunishmentequallywithothercriminals？“
“Iknowit；and，ifyoulike，Icangiveyoulessons。Itissodecreedwithregardtopeople，asifyou，forinstance，weretostealadocument；butasowisananimal，oneofGod”screatures。”
“Certainly；butthelawreads，”Thoseguiltyoftheft”——Ibegofyoutolistenmostattentively——”Thoseguilty！”Hereisindicatedneitherracenorsexnorrank：ofcourseananimalcanbeguilty。Youmaysaywhatyouplease；buttheanimal，untilthesentenceispronouncedbythecourt，shouldbecommittedtothechargeofthepoliceasatransgressorofthelaw。”
“No，PeterFeodorovitch，“retortedIvanIvanovitchcoolly，“thatshallnotbe。”
“Asyoulike：onlyImustcarryouttheordersoftheauthorities。”
“Whatareyouthreateningmewith？Probablyyouwanttosendthatone-armedsoldierafterher。Ishallorderthewomanwhotendsthedoortodrivehimoffwiththepoker：he”llgethislastarmbroken。”
“Idarenotdisputewithyou。Incaseyouwillnotcommitthesowtothechargeofthepolice，thendowhatyoupleasewithher：killherforChristmas，ifyoulike，andmakehamsofher，oreatherassheis。OnlyIshouldliketoaskyou，incaseyoumakesausages，tosendmeacouple，suchasyourGapkamakessowell，ofbloodandlard。MyAgrafenaTrofimovnaisextremelyfondofthem。”
“Iwillsendyouacoupleofsausagesifyoupermit。”
“Ishallbeextremelyobligedtoyou，dearfriendandbenefactor。Nowpermitmetosayonewordmore。Iamcommissionedbythejudge，aswellasbyallouracquaintances，sotospeak，toeffectareconciliationbetweenyouandyourfriend，IvanNikiforovitch。”
“What！withthatbrute！Itobereconciledtothatclown！Never！Itshallnotbe，itshallnotbe！“IvanIvanovitchwasinaremarkablydeterminedframeofmind。
“Asyoulike，“repliedthechiefofpolice，treatingbothnostrilstosnuff。“Iwillnotventuretoadviseyou；butpermitmetomention——hereyouliveatenmity，andifyoumakepeace……”
ButIvanIvanovitchbegantotalkaboutcatchingquail，asheusuallydidwhenhewantedtoputanendtoaconversation。Sothechiefofpolicewasobligedtoretirewithouthavingachievedanysuccesswhatever。
CHAPTERVI
FROMWHICHTHEREADERCANEASILYDISCOVER
WHATISCONTAINEDINIT
Inspiteofallthejudge”seffortstokeepthemattersecret，allMirgorodknewbythenextdaythatIvanIvanovitch”ssowhadstolenIvanNikiforovitch”spetition。Thechiefofpolicehimself，inamomentofforgetfulness，wasthefirsttobetrayhimself。WhenIvanNikiforovitchwasinformedofithesaidnothing：hemerelyinquired，“Wasitthebrownone？“
ButAgafyaFedosyevna，whowaspresent，beganagaintourgeonIvanNikiforovitch。“What”sthematterwithyou，IvanNikiforovitch？Peoplewilllaughatyouasatafoolifyouletitpass。Howcanyouremainanoblemanafterthat？Youwillbeworsethantheoldwomanwhosellsthehoneycakeswithhemp-seedoilyouaresofondof。”
Andthemischief-makerpersuadedhim。Shehuntedupsomewhereamiddle-agedmanwithdarkcomplexion，spotsalloverhisface，andadark-bluesurtoutpatchedontheelbows，aregularofficialscribbler。
Heblackedhisbootswithtar，worethreepensbehindhisear，andaglassvialtiedtohisbuttonholewithastringinsteadofanink-bottle：ateasmanyasninepiesatonce，andputthetenthinhispocket，andwrotesomanyslandersofallsortsonasinglesheetofstampedpaperthatnoreadercouldgetthroughallatonetimewithoutinterspersingcoughsandsneezes。Thismanlaboured，toiled，andwrote，andfinallyconcoctedthefollowingdocument：-
“TotheDistrictJudgeofMirgorod，fromthenoble，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor。
“Inpursuanceofmyplaintwhichwaspresentedbyme，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，againstthenobleman，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，towhichthejudgeoftheMirgoroddistrictcourthasexhibitedindifference；andtheshameless，high-handeddeedofthebrownsowbeingkeptsecret，andcomingtomyearsfromoutsideparties。
“Andthesaidneglect，plainlymalicious，liesincontestablyatthejudge”sdoor；forthesowisastupidanimal，andthereforeunfittedforthetheftofpapers。Fromwhichitplainlyappearsthatthesaidfrequentlymentionedsowwasnototherwisethaninstigatedtothesamebytheopponent，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，callinghimselfanobleman，andalreadyconvictedoftheft，conspiracyagainstlife，anddesecrationofachurch。ButthesaidMirgorodjudge，withthepartisanshippeculiartohim，gavehisprivateconsenttothisindividual；forwithoutsuchconsentthesaidsowcouldbynopossiblemeanshavebeenadmittedtocarryoffthedocument；forthejudgeofthedistrictcourtofMirgorodiswellprovidedwithservants：itwasonlynecessarytosummonasoldier，whoisalwaysondutyinthereception-room，andwho，althoughhehasbutoneeyeandonesomewhatdamagedarm，haspowersquiteadequatetodrivingoutasow，andtobeatingitwithastick，fromwhichiscrediblyevidentthecriminalneglectofthesaidMirgorodjudgeandtheincontestablesharingoftheJew-likespoilstherefromresultingfromthesemutualconspirators。Andtheaforesaidrobberandnobleman，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，havingdisgracedhimself，finishedhisturningonhislathe。Wherefore，I，thenobleIvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，declaretothesaiddistrictjudgeinproperformthatifthesaidbrownsow，orthemanPererepenko，benotsummonedtothecourt，andjudgmentinaccordancewithjusticeandmyadvantagepronounceduponher，thenI，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，shallpresentaplaint，withobservanceofalldueformalities，againstthesaiddistrictjudgeforhisillegalpartisanshiptothesuperiorcourts。
“IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，nobleoftheMirgorodDistrict。”
Thispetitionproduceditseffect。Thejudgewasamanoftimiddisposition，asallgoodpeoplegenerallyare。Hebetookhimselftothesecretary。Butthesecretaryemittedfromhislipsathick“Hm，“
andexhibitedonhiscountenancethatindifferentanddiabolicallyequivocalexpressionwhichSatanaloneassumeswhenheseeshisvictimhasteningtohisfeet。Oneresourceremainedtohim，toreconcilethetwofriends。Buthowtosetaboutit，whenallattemptsuptothattimehadbeensounsuccessful？Nevertheless，itwasdecidedtomakeanothereffort；butIvanIvanovitchdeclaredoutrightthathewouldnothearofit，andevenflewintoaviolentpassion；whilstIvanNikiforovitch，inlieuofananswer，turnedhisbackandwouldnotutteraword。
Thenthecasewentonwiththeunusualpromptnessuponwhichcourtsusuallypridethemselves。Documentsweredated，labelled，numbered，sewedtogether，registeredallinoneday，andthematterlaidontheshelf，whereitcontinuedtolie，forone，two，orthreeyears。Manybridesweremarried；anewstreetwaslaidoutinMirgorod；oneofthejudge”sdoubleteethfelloutandtwoofhiseye-teeth；morechildrenthaneverranaboutIvanIvanovitch”syard；IvanNikiforovitch，asareprooftoIvanIvanovitch，constructedanewgoose-shed，althoughalittlefartherbackthanthefirst，andbuilthimselfcompletelyofffromhisneighbour，sothattheseworthypeoplehardlyeverbeheldeachother”sfaces；butstillthecaselayinthecabinet，whichhadbecomemarbledwithink-pots。
InthemeantimeaveryimportanteventforallMirgorodhadtakenplace。Thechiefofpolicehadgivenareception。WhenceshallI
obtainthebrushandcolourstodepictthisvariedgatheringandmagnificentfeast？Takeyourwatch，openit，andlookwhatisgoingoninside。Afearfulconfusion，isitnot？Now，imaginealmostthesame，ifnotagreater，numberofwheelsstandinginthechiefofpolice”scourtyard。Howmanycarriagesandwaggonswerethere！Onewaswidebehindandnarrowinfront；anothernarrowbehindandwideinfront。
Onewasacarriageandawaggoncombined；anotherneitheracarriagenorawaggon。Oneresembledahugehayrickorafatmerchant”swife；
anotheradilapidatedJeworaskeletonnotquitefreedfromtheskin。
Onewasaperfectpipewithlongsteminprofile；another，resemblingnothingwhatever，suggestedsomestrange，shapeless，fantasticobject。
Inthemidstofthischaosofwheelsrosecoacheswithwindowslikethoseofaroom。Thedrivers，ingreyCossackcoats，gaberdines，andwhitehare-skincoats，sheepskinhatsandcapsofvariouspatterns，andwithpipesintheirhands，drovetheunharnessedhorsesthroughtheyard。
Whatareceptionthechiefofpolicegave！Permitmetorunthroughthelistofthosewhowerethere：TarasTarasovitch，EvplAkinfovitch，EvtikhiyEvtikhievitch，IvanIvanovitch——notthatIvanIvanovitchbutanother——GabbaBavrilonovitch，ourIvanIvanovitch，ElevferiyElevferievitch，MakarNazarevitch，ThomaGrigorovitch——Icansaynomore：mypowersfailme，myhandstopswriting。Andhowmanyladieswerethere！darkandfair，tallandshort，somefatlikeIvanNikiforovitch，andsomesothinthatitseemedasthougheachonemighthideherselfinthescabbardofthechief”ssword。Whathead-dresses！whatcostumes！red，yellow，coffee-colour，green，blue，new，turned，re-madedresses，ribbons，reticules。Farewell，pooreyes！
youwillneverbegoodforanythinganymoreaftersuchaspectacle。
Andhowlongthetablewasdrawnout！andhowalltalked！andwhatanoisetheymade！Whatisamillwithitsdriving-wheel，stones，beams，hammers，wheels，incomparisonwiththis？Icannottellyouexactlywhattheytalkedabout，butpresumablyofmanyagreeableandusefulthings，suchastheweather，dogs，wheat，caps，anddice。AtlengthIvanIvanovitch——notourIvanIvanovitch，buttheother，whohadbutoneeye——said，“Itstrikesmeasstrangethatmyrighteye，“thisone-eyedIvanIvanovitchalwaysspokesarcasticallyabouthimself，“doesnotseeIvanNikiforovitch，GospodinDovgotchkun。”
“Hewouldnotcome，“saidthechiefofpolice。
“Whynot？“
“It”stwoyearsnow，glorytoGod！sincetheyquarrelled；thatis，IvanIvanovitchandIvanNikiforovitch；andwhereonegoes，theotherwillnotgo。”
“Youdon”tsayso！“Thereuponone-eyedIvanIvanovitchraisedhiseyeandclaspedhishands。“Well，ifpeoplewithgoodeyescannotliveinpeace，howamItoliveamicably，withmybadone？“
Atthesewordstheyalllaughedatthetopsoftheirvoices。Everyonelikedone-eyedIvanIvanovitch，becausehecrackedjokesinthatstyle。Atall，thinmaninafriezecoat，withaplasteronhisnose，whouptothistimehadsatinthecorner，andneveroncealteredtheexpressionofhisface，evenwhenaflylightedonhisnose，rosefromhisseat，andapproachednearertothecrowdwhichsurroundedone-eyedIvanIvanovitch。“Listen，“saidIvanIvanovitch，whenheperceivedthatquiteathronghadcollectedabouthim；“supposewemakepeacebetweenourfriends。IvanIvanovitchistalkingwiththewomenandgirls；letussendquietlyforIvanNikiforovitchandbringthemtogether。”
IvanIvanovitch”sproposalwasunanimouslyagreedto；anditwasdecidedtosendatoncetoIvanNikiforovitch”shouse，andbeghim，atanyrate，tocometothechiefofpolice”sfordinner。Butthedifficultquestionastowhowastobeintrustedwiththisweightycommissionrenderedallthoughtful。Theydebatedlongastowhowasthemostexpertindiplomaticmatters。AtlengthitwasunanimouslyagreedtodeputeAntonProkofievitchtodothisbusiness。
Butitisnecessary，firstofall，tomakethereadersomewhatacquaintedwiththisnoteworthyperson。AntonProkofievitchwasatrulygoodman，inthefullestmeaningoftheterm。IfanyoneinMirgorodgavehimaneckerchieforunderclothes，hereturnedthanks；
ifanyonegavehimafilliponthenose，hereturnedthankstoo。Ifhewasasked，“Why，AntonProkofievitch，doyouwearalightbrowncoatwithbluesleeves？“hegenerallyreplied，“Ah，youhaven”tonelikeit！Waitabit，itwillsoonfadeandwillbealikeallover。”
And，inpointoffact，thebluecloth，fromtheeffectsofthesun，begantoturncinnamoncolour，andbecameofthesametintastherestofthecoat。ButthestrangepartofitwasthatAntonProkofievitchhadahabitofwearingwoollenclothinginsummerandnankeeninwinter。
AntonProkofievitchhadnohouseofhisown。Heusedtohaveoneontheoutskirtsofthetown；buthesoldit，andwiththepurchase-moneyboughtateamofbrownhorsesandalittlecarriageinwhichhedroveabouttostaywiththesquires。Butasthehorseswereadealoftroubleandmoneywasrequiredforoats，AntonProkofievitchbarteredthemforaviolinandahousemaid，withtwenty-fivepaperrublestoboot。AfterwardsAntonProkofievitchsoldtheviolin，andexchangedthegirlforamoroccoandgoldtobacco-pouch；nowhehassuchatobacco-pouchasnooneelsehas。Asaresultofthisluxury，hecannolongergoaboutamongthecountryhouses，buthastoremaininthetownandpassthenightatdifferenthouses，especiallyofthosegentlemenwhotakepleasureintappinghimonthenose。AntonProkofievitchisveryfondofgoodeating，andplaysagoodgameatcards。Obeyingordersalwayswashisforte；so，takinghishatandcane，hesetoutatonceonhiserrand。
But，ashewalkedalong，hebegantoponderinwhatmannerheshouldcontrivetoinduceIvanNikiforovitchtocometotheassembly。Theunbendingcharacterofthelatter，whowasotherwiseaworthyman，renderedtheundertakingalmosthopeless。How，indeed，washetopersuadehimtocome，whenevenrisingfromhisbedcosthimsogreataneffort？Butsupposingthathedidrise，howcouldhegethimtocome，where，ashedoubtlessknew，hisirreconcilableenemyalreadywas？ThemoreAntonProkofievitchreflected，themoredifficultiesheperceived。Thedaywassultry，thesunbeatdown，theperspirationpouredfromhiminstreams。AntonProkofievitchwasatolerablysharpmaninmanyrespectsthoughtheydidtaphimonthenose。Inbartering，however，hewasnotfortunate。Heknewverywellwhentoplaythefool，andsometimescontrivedtoturnthingstohisownprofitamidcircumstancesandsurroundingsfromwhichawisemancouldrarelyescapewithoutloss。
HisingeniousmindhadcontrivedameansofpersuadingIvanNikiforovitch；andhewasproceedingbravelytofaceeverythingwhenanunexpectedoccurrencesomewhatdisturbedhisequanimity。Thereisnoharm，atthispoint，inadmittingtothereaderthat，amongotherthings，AntonProkofievitchwastheownerofapairoftrousersofsuchsingularpropertiesthatwheneverheputthemonthedogsalwaysbithiscalves。Unfortunately，hehaddonnedthisparticularpairoftrousers；andhehadhardlygivenhimselfuptomeditationbeforeafearfulbarkingonallsidessalutedhisears。AntonProkofievitchraisedsuchayell，noonecouldscreamlouderthanhe，thatnotonlydidthewell-knownwomanandtheoccupantoftheendlesscoatrushouttomeethim，buteventhesmallboysfromIvanIvanovitch”syard。Butalthoughthedogssucceededintastingonlyoneofhiscalves，thissensibilitydiminishedhiscourage，andheenteredtheporchwithacertainamountoftimidity。
CHAPTERVII
HOWARECONCILIATIONWASSOUGHTTOBEEFFECTED
ANDALAWSUITENSUED
“Ah！howdoyoudo？Whydoyouirritatethedogs？“saidIvanNikiforovitch，onperceivingAntonProkofievitch；fornoonespokeotherwisethanjestinglywithAntonProkofievitch。
“Hangthem！who”sbeenirritatingthem？“retortedAntonProkofievitch。
“Youhave！“
“ByHeavens，no！YouareinvitedtodinnerbyPeterFeodorovitch。”
“Hm！“
“HeinvitedyouinamorepressingmannerthanIcantellyou。”Why”
sayshe，”doesIvanNikiforovitchshunmelikeanenemy？Henevercomesroundtohaveachat，ormakeacall。”“
IvanNikiforovitchstrokedhisbeard。
“”If”sayshe，”IvanNikiforovitchdoesnotcomenow，Ishallnotknowwhattothink：surely，hemusthavesomedesignagainstme。Pray，AntonProkofievitch，persuadeIvanNikiforovitch！”Come，IvanNikiforovitch，letusgo！averychoicecompanyisalreadymetthere。”
IvanNikiforovitchbegantolookatacock，whichwasperchedontheroof，crowingwithallitsmight。
“Ifyouonlyknew，IvanNikiforovitch，“pursuedthezealousambassador，“whatfreshsturgeonandcaviarePeterFeodorovitchhashadsenttohim！“WhereuponIvanNikiforovitchturnedhisheadandbegantolistenattentively。Thisencouragedthemessenger。“Comequickly：ThomaGrigorovitchistheretoo。Whydon”tyoucome？“headded，seeingthatIvanNikiforovitchstilllayinthesameposition。
“Shallwego，ornot？“
“Iwon”t！“
This“Iwon”t“startledAntonProkofievitch。Hehadfanciedthathisalluringrepresentationshadquitemovedthisveryworthyman；butinstead，heheardthatdecisive“Iwon”t。”
“Whywon”tyou？“heasked，withavexationwhichheveryrarelyexhibited，evenwhentheyputburningpaperonhishead，atrickwhichthejudgeandthechiefofpolicewereparticularlyfondofindulgingin。
IvanNikiforovitchtookapinchofsnuff。
“Justasyoulike，IvanNikiforovitch。Idonotknowwhatdetainsyou。”
“Whydon”tIgo？“saidIvanNikiforovitchatlength：“becausethatbrigandwillbethere！“ThiswashisordinarywayofalludingtoIvanIvanovitch。“JustGod！andisitlong？“
“Hewillnotbethere，hewillnotbethere！Maythelightningkillmeonthespot！“returnedAntonProkofievitch，whowasreadytoperjurehimselftentimesinanhour。“Comealong，IvanNikiforovitch！“
“Youlie，AntonProkofievitch！heisthere！“
“ByHeaven，byHeaven，he”snot！MayIneverstirfromthisplaceifhe”sthere！Now，justthinkforyourself，whatobjecthaveIinlying？
Maymyhandsandfeetwither！——What，don”tyoubelievemenow？MayI
perishrighthereinyourpresence！Don”tyoubelievemeyet？“
IvanNikiforovitchwasentirelyreassuredbytheseasseverations，andorderedhisvalet，intheboundlesscoat，tofetchhistrousersandnankeenspencer。
TodescribehowIvanNikiforovitchputonhistrousers，howtheywoundhisneckerchiefabouthisneck，andfinallydraggedonhisspencer，whichburstundertheleftsleeve，wouldbequitesuperfluous。Sufficeittosay，thatduringthewholeofthetimehepreservedabecomingcalmnessofdemeanour，andanswerednotawordtoAntonProkofievitch”spropositiontoexchangesomethingforhisTurkishtobacco-pouch。
Meanwhile，theassemblyawaitedwithimpatiencethedecisivemomentwhenIvanNikiforovitchshouldmakehisappearanceandatlengthcomplywiththegeneraldesirethattheseworthypeopleshouldbereconciledtoeachother。ManywerealmostconvincedthatIvanNikiforovitchwouldnotcome。Eventhechiefofpoliceofferedtobetwithone-eyedIvanIvanovitchthathewouldnotcome；andonlydesistedwhenone-eyedIvanIvanovitchdemandedthatheshouldwagerhislamefootagainsthisownbadeye，atwhichthechiefofpolicewasgreatlyoffended，andthecompanyenjoyedaquietlaugh。Noonehadyetsatdowntothetable，althoughitwaslongpasttwoo”clock，anhourbeforewhichinMirgorod，evenonceremonialoccasions，everyonehadalreadydined。
NosoonerdidAntonProkofievitchshowhimselfinthedoorway，thenhewasinstantlysurrounded。AntonProkofievitch，inanswertoallinquiries，shoutedtheall-decisivewords，“Hewillnotcome！“Nosoonerhadheutteredthemthanahailstormofreproaches，scoldings，and，possibly，evenfillipswereabouttodescenduponhisheadfortheillsuccessofhismission，whenallatoncethedooropened，and——IvanNikiforovitchentered。
IfSatanhimselforacorpsehadappeared，itwouldnothavecausedsuchconsternationamongstthecompanyasIvanNikiforovitch”sunexpectedarrivalcreated。ButAntonProkofievitchonlywentoffintoafitoflaughter，andheldhissideswithdelightathavingplayedsuchajokeuponthecompany。
Atallevents，itwasalmostpastthebeliefofallthatIvanNikiforovitchcould，insobriefaspaceoftime，haveattiredhimselflikearespectablegentleman。IvanIvanovitchwasnotthereatthemoment：hehadsteppedoutsomewhere。Recoveringfromtheiramazement，theguestsexpressedaninterestinIvanNikiforovitch”shealth，andtheirpleasureathisincreaseinbreadth。IvanNikiforovitchkissedeveryone，andsaid，“Verymuchobliged！“
Meantime，thefragranceofthebeet-soupwaswaftedthroughtheapartment，andtickledthenostrilsofthehungryguestsveryagreeably。Allrushedheadlongtotable。Thelineofladies，loquaciousandsilent，thinandstout，swepton，andthelongtablesoonglitteredwithallthehuesoftherainbow。Iwillnotdescribethecourses：Iwillmakenomentionofthecurddumplingswithsourcream，norofthedishofpig”sfrythatwasservedwiththesoup，noroftheturkeywithplumsandraisins，norofthedishwhichgreatlyresembledinappearanceabootsoakedinkvas，norofthesauce，whichistheswan”ssongoftheold-fashionedcook，norofthatotherdishwhichwasbroughtinallenvelopedintheflamesofspirit，andamusedaswellasfrightenedtheladiesextremely。Iwillsaynothingofthesedishes，becauseIliketoeatthembetterthantospendmanywordsindiscussingthem。
IvanIvanovitchwasexceedinglypleasedwiththefishdressedwithhorse-radish。Hedevotedhimselfespeciallytothisusefulandnourishingpreparation。Pickingoutallthefinebonesfromthefish，helaidthemonhisplate；andhappeningtoglanceacrossthetable——HeavenlyCreator；butthiswasstrange！OppositehimsatIvanNikiforovitch。
AttheverysameinstantIvanNikiforovitchglancedupalso——No，I
candonomore——Givemeafreshpenwithafinepointforthispicture！mineisflabby。Theirfacesseemedtoturntostonewhilststillretainingtheirdefiantexpression。Eachbeheldalongfamiliarface，towhichitshouldhaveseemedthemostnaturalofthingstostepup，involuntarily，astoanunexpectedfriend，andofferasnuff-box，withthewords，“Domethefavour，“or“DareIbegyoutodomethefavour？“Insteadofthis，thatfacewasterribleasaforerunnerofevil。TheperspirationpouredinstreamsfromIvanIvanovitchandIvanNikiforovitch。
Alltheguestsatthetablegrewdumbwithattention，andneveroncetooktheireyesofftheformerfriends。Theladies，whohadbeenbusyuptothattimeonasufficientlyinterestingdiscussionastothepreparationofcapons，suddenlycuttheirconversationshort。Allwassilence。Itwasapictureworthyofthebrushofagreatartist。
AtlengthIvanIvanovitchpulledouthishandkerchiefandbegantoblowhisnose；whilstIvanNikiforovitchglancedaboutandhiseyerestedontheopendoor。Thechiefofpoliceatonceperceivedthismovement，andorderedthedoortobefastened。Thenbothofthefriendsbegantoeat，andneveronceglancedateachotheragain。
Assoonasdinnerwasover，thetwoformerfriendsbothrosefromtheirseats，andbegantolookfortheirhats，withaviewtodeparture。Thenthechiefbeckoned；andIvanIvanovitch——notourIvanIvanovitch，buttheotherwiththeoneeye——gotbehindIvanNikiforovitch，andthechiefsteppedbehindIvanIvanovitch，andthetwobegantodragthembackwards，inordertobringthemtogether，andnotreleasethemtilltheyhadshakenhandswitheachother。IvanIvanovitch，theone-eyed，pushedIvanNikiforovitch，withtolerablesuccess，towardsthespotwherestoodIvanIvanovitch。Butthechiefofpolicedirectedhiscoursetoomuchtooneside，becausehecouldnotsteerhimselfwithhisrefractoryleg，whichobeyednoorderswhateveronthisoccasion，and，asifwithmaliceandaforethought，swungitselfuncommonlyfar，andinquitethecontrarydirection，possiblyfromthefactthattherehadbeenanunusualamountoffruitwineafterdinner，sothatIvanIvanovitchfelloveraladyinaredgown，whohadthrustherselfintotheverymidst，outofcuriosity。
Suchanomenforbodednogood。Nevertheless，thejudge，inordertosetthingstorights，tookthechiefofpolice”splace，and，sweepingallthesnufffromhisupperlipwithhisnose，pushedIvanIvanovitchintheoppositedirection。InMirgorodthisistheusualmannerofeffectingareconciliation：itsomewhatresemblesagameofball。AssoonasthejudgepushedIvanIvanovitch，IvanIvanovitchwiththeoneeyeexertedallhisstrength，andpushedIvanNikiforovitch，fromwhomtheperspirationstreamedlikerain-waterfromaroof。Inspiteofthefactthatthefriendsresistedtothebestoftheirability，theywereneverthelessbroughttogether，forthetwochiefmoversreceivedreinforcementsfromtheranksoftheirguests。
Thentheywerecloselysurroundedonallsides，nottobereleaseduntiltheyhaddecidedtogiveoneanothertheirhands。“Godbewithyou，IvanNikiforovitchandIvanIvanovitch！declareuponyourhonournow，thatwhatyouquarrelledaboutweremeretrifles，weretheynot？
AreyounotashamedofyourselvesbeforepeopleandbeforeGod？“
“Idonotknow，“saidIvanNikiforovitch，pantingwithfatigue，thoughitistobeobservedthathewasnotatalldisinclinedtoareconciliation，“IdonotknowwhatIdidtoIvanIvanovitch；butwhydidhedestroymycoopandplotagainstmylife？“
“Iaminnocentofanyevildesigns！“saidIvanIvanovitch，neverlookingatIvanNikiforovitch。“IswearbeforeGodandbeforeyou，honourablenoblemen，Ididnothingtomyenemy！Whydoeshecalumniatemeandinsultmyrankandfamily？“
“HowhaveIinsultedyou，IvanIvanovitch？“saidIvanNikiforovitch。
Onemomentmoreofexplanation，andthelongenmitywouldhavebeenextinguished。IvanNikiforovitchwasalreadyfeelinginhispocketforhissnuff-box，andwasabouttosay，“Domethefavour。”
“Isitnotaninsult，“answeredIvanIvanovitch，withoutraisinghiseyes，“whenyou，mydearsir，insultedmyhonourandmyfamilywithawordwhichitisimpropertorepeathere？“
“Permitmetoobserve，inafriendlymanner，IvanIvanovitch，“hereIvanNikiforovitchtouchedIvanIvanovitch”sbuttonwithhisfinger，whichclearlyindicatedthedispositionofhismind，“thatyoutookoffence，thedeuceonlyknowsatwhat，becauseIcalledyoua”goose””
ItoccurredtoIvanNikiforovitchthathehadmadeamistakeinutteringthatword；butitwastoolate：thewordwassaid。Everythingwenttothewinds。It，ontheutteranceofthiswordwithoutwitnesses，IvanIvanovitchlostcontrolofhimselfandflewintosuchapassionasGodpreserveusfrombeholdinganymanin，whatwastobeexpectednow？Iputittoyou，dearreaders，whatwastobeexpectednow，whenthefatalwordwasutteredinanassemblageofpersonsamongwhomwereladies，inwhosepresenceIvanIvanovitchlikedtobeparticularlypolite？IfIvanNikiforovitchhadsettoworkinanyothermanner，ifhehadonlysaidbirdandnotgoose，itmightstillhavebeenarranged，butallwasatanend。
HegaveonelookatIvanNikiforovitch，butsuchalook！Ifthatlookhadpossessedactivepower，thenitwouldhaveturnedIvanNikiforovitchintodust。Theguestsunderstoodthelookandhastenedtoseparatethem。Andthisman，theverymodelofgentleness，whoneverletasinglepoorwomangobywithoutinterrogatingher，rushedoutinafearfulrage。Suchviolentstormsdopassionsproduce！
ForawholemonthnothingwasheardofIvanIvanovitch。Heshuthimselfupathome。Hisancestralchestwasopened，andfromitweretakensilverrubles，hisgrandfather”soldsilverrubles！Andtheserublespassedintotheink-stainedhandsoflegaladvisers。Thecasewassentuptothehighercourt；andwhenIvanIvanovitchreceivedthejoyfulnewsthatitwouldbedecidedonthemorrow，thenonlydidhelookoutupontheworldandresolvetoemergefromhishouse。Alas！
fromthattimeforththecouncilgavenoticedaybydaythatthecasewouldbefinishedonthemorrow，forthespaceoftenyears。
Fiveyearsago，IpassedthroughthetownofMirgorod。Icameatabadtime。Itwasautumn，withitsdamp，melancholyweather，mudandmists。
Anunnaturalverdure，theresultofincessantrains，coveredwithawaterynetworkthefieldsandmeadows，towhichitisaswellsuitedasyouthfulprankstoanoldman，orrosestoanoldwoman。Theweathermadeadeepimpressiononmeatthetime：whenitwasdull，I
wasdull；butinspiteofthis，whenIcametopassthroughMirgorod，myheartbeatviolently。God，whatreminiscences！IhadnotseenMirgorodfortwentyyears。Herehadlived，intouchingfriendship，twoinseparablefriends。Andhowmanyprominentpeoplehaddied！JudgeDemyanDemyanovitchwasalreadygone：IvanIvanovitch，withtheoneeye，hadlongceasedtolive。
