第5章

类别:其他 作者:Jane Austen字数:30436更新时间:18/12/20 11:25:11
chapter25 CHAPTER25 ThoughMrs。Jenningswasinthehabitofspendingalargeportionoftheyearatthehousesofherchildrenandfriends,shewasnotwithoutasettledhabitationofherown。 Sincethedeathofherhusband,whohadtradedwithsuccessinalesselegantpartofthetown,shehadresidedeverywinterinahouseinoneofthestreetsnearPortmanSquare。 Towardsthishome,shebeganontheapproachofJanuarytoturnherthoughts,andthithersheonedayabruptly,andveryunexpectedlybythem,askedtheelderMissesDashwoodtoaccompanyher。Elinor,withoutobservingthevaryingcomplexionofhersister,andtheanimatedlookwhichspokenoindifferencetotheplan,immediatelygaveagratefulbutabsolutedenialforboth,inwhichshebelievedherselftobespeakingtheirunitedinclinations。 Thereasonallegedwastheirdeterminedresolutionofnotleavingtheirmotheratthattimeoftheyear。 Mrs。Jenningsreceivedtherefusalwithsomesurprise,andrepeatedherinvitationimmediately。 “Oh,Lord!Iamsureyourmothercanspareyouverywell,andIDObegyouwillfavourmewithyourcompany,forI’vequitesetmyheartuponit。 Don’tfancythatyouwillbeanyinconveniencetome,forIshan’tputmyselfatalloutofmywayforyou。 ItwillonlybesendingBettybythecoach,andI hopeIcanaffordTHAT。Wethreeshallbeabletogoverywellinmychaise;andwhenweareintown,ifyoudonotliketogowhereverIdo,wellandgood,youmayalwaysgowithoneofmydaughters。Iamsureyourmotherwillnotobjecttoit;forIhavehadsuchgoodluckingettingmyownchildrenoffmyhandsthatshewillthinkmeaveryfitpersontohavethechargeofyou; andifIdon’tgetoneofyouatleastwellmarriedbeforeIhavedonewithyou,itshallnotbemyfault。 Ishallspeakagoodwordforyoutoalltheyoungmen,youmaydependuponit。” “Ihaveanotion,“saidSirJohn,“thatMissMariannewouldnotobjecttosuchascheme,ifhereldersisterwouldcomeintoit。Itisveryhardindeedthatsheshouldnothavealittlepleasure,becauseMissDashwooddoesnotwishit。SoIwouldadviseyoutwo,tosetofffortown,whenyouaretiredofBarton,withoutsayingawordtoMissDashwoodaboutit。” “Nay,“criedMrs。Jennings,“IamsureIshallbemonstrousgladofMissMarianne’scompany,whetherMissDashwoodwillgoornot,onlythemorethemerriersayI,andIthoughtitwouldbemorecomfortableforthemtobetogether;because,iftheygottiredofme,theymighttalktooneanother,andlaughatmyoldwaysbehindmyback。 Butoneortheother,ifnotbothofthem,Imusthave。 Lordblessme!howdoyouthinkIcanlivepokingbymyself,IwhohavebeenalwaysusedtillthiswintertohaveCharlottewithme。Come,MissMarianne,letusstrikehandsuponthebargain,andifMissDashwoodwillchangehermindbyandbye,whysomuchthebetter。” “Ithankyou,ma’am,sincerelythankyou,“ saidMarianne,withwarmth:“yourinvitationhasinsuredmygratitudeforever,anditwouldgivemesuchhappiness,yes,almostthegreatesthappinessIamcapableof,tobeabletoacceptit。 Butmymother,mydearest,kindestmother,——IfeelthejusticeofwhatElinorhasurged,andifsheweretobemadelesshappy,lesscomfortablebyourabsence——Oh!no,nothingshouldtemptmetoleaveher。Itshouldnot,mustnotbeastruggle。” Mrs。JenningsrepeatedherassurancethatMrs。 Dashwoodcouldsparethemperfectlywell;andElinor,whonowunderstoodhersister,andsawtowhatindifferencetoalmosteverythingelseshewascarriedbyhereagernesstobewithWilloughbyagain,madenofartherdirectoppositiontotheplan,andmerelyreferredittohermother’sdecision,fromwhomhowevershescarcelyexpectedtoreceiveanysupportinherendeavourtopreventavisit,whichshecouldnotapproveofforMarianne,andwhichonherownaccountshehadparticularreasonstoavoid。 WhateverMariannewasdesirousof,hermotherwouldbeeagertopromote——shecouldnotexpecttoinfluencethelattertocautiousnessofconductinanaffairrespectingwhichshehadneverbeenabletoinspireherwithdistrust;andshedarednotexplainthemotiveofherowndisinclinationforgoingtoLondon。ThatMarianne,fastidiousasshewas,thoroughlyacquaintedwithMrs。Jennings’manners,andinvariablydisgustedbythem,shouldoverlookeveryinconvenienceofthatkind,shoulddisregardwhatevermustbemostwoundingtoherirritablefeelings,inherpursuitofoneobject,wassuchaproof,sostrong,sofull,oftheimportanceofthatobjecttoher,asElinor,inspiteofallthathadpassed,wasnotpreparedtowitness。 Onbeinginformedoftheinvitation,Mrs。Dashwood,persuadedthatsuchanexcursionwouldbeproductiveofmuchamusementtobothherdaughters,andperceivingthroughallheraffectionateattentiontoherself,howmuchtheheartofMariannewasinit,wouldnothearoftheirdecliningtheofferuponHERaccount;insistedontheirbothacceptingitdirectly;andthenbegantoforesee,withherusualcheerfulness,avarietyofadvantagesthatwouldaccruetothemall,fromthisseparation。 “Iamdelightedwiththeplan,“shecried,“itisexactlywhatIcouldwish。MargaretandIshallbeasmuchbenefitedbyitasyourselves。WhenyouandtheMiddletonsaregone,weshallgoonsoquietlyandhappilytogetherwithourbooksandourmusic!YouwillfindMargaretsoimprovedwhenyoucomebackagain! Ihavealittleplanofalterationforyourbedroomstoo,whichmaynowbeperformedwithoutanyinconveniencetoanyone。ItisveryrightthatyouSHOULDgototown; IwouldhaveeveryyoungwomanofyourconditioninlifeacquaintedwiththemannersandamusementsofLondon。 Youwillbeunderthecareofamotherlygoodsortofwoman,ofwhosekindnesstoyouIcanhavenodoubt。 Andinallprobabilityyouwillseeyourbrother,andwhatevermaybehisfaults,orthefaultsofhiswife,whenIconsiderwhosesonheis,Icannotbeartohaveyousowhollyestrangedfromeachother。” “Thoughwithyourusualanxietyforourhappiness,“ saidElinor,“youhavebeenobviatingeveryimpedimenttothepresentschemewhichoccurredtoyou,thereisstilloneobjectionwhich,inmyopinion,cannotbesoeasilyremoved。” Marianne’scountenancesunk。 “Andwhat,“saidMrs。Dashwood,“ismydearprudentElinorgoingtosuggest?,Whatformidableobstacleisshenowtobringforward?,Doletmehearawordabouttheexpenseofit。” “Myobjectionisthis;thoughIthinkverywellofMrs。Jennings’sheart,sheisnotawomanwhosesocietycanafforduspleasure,orwhoseprotectionwillgiveusconsequence。” “Thatisverytrue,“repliedhermother,“butofhersociety,separatelyfromthatofotherpeople,youwillscarcelyhaveanythingatall,andyouwillalmostalwaysappearinpublicwithLadyMiddleton。” “IfElinorisfrightenedawaybyherdislikeofMrs。Jennings,“saidMarianne,“atleastitneednotpreventMYacceptingherinvitation。Ihavenosuchscruples,andIamsureIcouldputupwitheveryunpleasantnessofthatkindwithverylittleeffort。” Elinorcouldnothelpsmilingatthisdisplayofindifferencetowardsthemannersofaperson,towhomshehadoftenhaddifficultyinpersuadingMariannetobehavewithtolerablepoliteness;andresolvedwithinherself,thatifhersisterpersistedingoing,shewouldgolikewise,asshedidnotthinkitproperthatMarianneshouldbelefttothesoleguidanceofherownjudgment,orthatMrs。JenningsshouldbeabandonedtothemercyofMarianneforallthecomfortofherdomestichours。 Tothisdeterminationshewasthemoreeasilyreconciled,byrecollectingthatEdwardFerrars,byLucy’saccount,wasnottobeintownbeforeFebruary;andthattheirvisit,withoutanyunreasonableabridgement,mightbepreviouslyfinished。 “IwillhaveyouBOTHgo,“saidMrs。Dashwood; “theseobjectionsarenonsensical。YouwillhavemuchpleasureinbeinginLondon,andespeciallyinbeingtogether; andifElinorwouldevercondescendtoanticipateenjoyment,shewouldforeseeittherefromavarietyofsources; shewould,perhaps,expectsomefromimprovingheracquaintancewithhersister-in-law’sfamily。” Elinorhadoftenwishedforanopportunityofattemptingtoweakenhermother’sdependenceontheattachmentofEdwardandherself,thattheshockmightbelesswhenthewholetruthwererevealed,andnowonthisattack,thoughalmosthopelessofsuccess,sheforcedherselftobeginherdesignbysaying,ascalmlyasshecould,“IlikeEdwardFerrarsverymuch,andshallalwaysbegladtoseehim;butastotherestofthefamily,itisamatterofperfectindifferencetome,whetherIameverknowntothemornot。” Mrs。Dashwoodsmiled,andsaidnothing。 Mariannelifteduphereyesinastonishment,andElinorconjecturedthatshemightaswellhaveheldhertongue。 Afterverylittlefartherdiscourse,itwasfinallysettledthattheinvitationshouldbefullyaccepted。 Mrs。Jenningsreceivedtheinformationwithagreatdealofjoy,andmanyassurancesofkindnessandcare; norwasitamatterofpleasuremerelytoher。SirJohnwasdelighted;fortoaman,whoseprevailinganxietywasthedreadofbeingalone,theacquisitionoftwo,tothenumberofinhabitantsinLondon,wassomething。 EvenLadyMiddletontookthetroubleofbeingdelighted,whichwasputtingherselfratheroutofherway; andasfortheMissSteeles,especiallyLucy,theyhadneverbeensohappyintheirlivesasthisintelligencemadethem。 Elinorsubmittedtothearrangementwhichcounteractedherwisheswithlessreluctancethanshehadexpectedtofeel。Withregardtoherself,itwasnowamatterofunconcernwhethershewenttotownornot,andwhenshesawhermothersothoroughlypleasedwiththeplan,andhersisterexhilaratedbyitinlook,voice,andmanner,restoredtoallherusualanimation,andelevatedtomorethanherusualgaiety,shecouldnotbedissatisfiedwiththecause,andwouldhardlyallowherselftodistrusttheconsequence。 Marianne’sjoywasalmostadegreebeyondhappiness,sogreatwastheperturbationofherspiritsandherimpatiencetobegone。Herunwillingnesstoquithermotherwasheronlyrestorativetocalmness;andatthemomentofpartinghergriefonthatscorewasexcessive。 Hermother’safflictionwashardlyless,andElinorwastheonlyoneofthethree,whoseemedtoconsidertheseparationasanythingshortofeternal。 TheirdeparturetookplaceinthefirstweekinJanuary。 TheMiddletonsweretofollowinaboutaweek。TheMissSteeleskepttheirstationatthepark,andweretoquititonlywiththerestofthefamily。 chapter26 CHAPTER26 ElinorcouldnotfindherselfinthecarriagewithMrs。Jennings,andbeginningajourneytoLondonunderherprotection,andasherguest,withoutwonderingatherownsituation,soshorthadtheiracquaintancewiththatladybeen,sowhollyunsuitedweretheyinageanddisposition,andsomanyhadbeenherobjectionsagainstsuchameasureonlyafewdaysbefore!Buttheseobjectionshadall,withthathappyardourofyouthwhichMarianneandhermotherequallyshared,beenovercomeoroverlooked;andElinor,inspiteofeveryoccasionaldoubtofWilloughby’sconstancy,couldnotwitnesstheraptureofdelightfulexpectationwhichfilledthewholesoulandbeamedintheeyesofMarianne,withoutfeelinghowblankwasherownprospect,howcheerlessherownstateofmindinthecomparison,andhowgladlyshewouldengageinthesolicitudeofMarianne’ssituationtohavethesameanimatingobjectinview,thesamepossibilityofhope。Ashort,averyshorttimehowevermustnowdecidewhatWilloughby’sintentionswere;inallprobabilityhewasalreadyintown。 Marianne’seagernesstobegonedeclaredherdependenceonfindinghimthere;andElinorwasresolvednotonlyupongainingeverynewlightastohischaracterwhichherownobservationortheintelligenceofotherscouldgiveher,butlikewiseuponwatchinghisbehaviourtohersisterwithsuchzealousattention,astoascertainwhathewasandwhathemeant,beforemanymeetingshadtakenplace。 Shouldtheresultofherobservationsbeunfavourable,shewasdeterminedatalleventstoopentheeyesofhersister;shoulditbeotherwise,herexertionswouldbeofadifferentnature——shemustthenlearntoavoideveryselfishcomparison,andbanisheveryregretwhichmightlessenhersatisfactioninthehappinessofMarianne。 Theywerethreedaysontheirjourney,andMarianne’sbehaviourastheytravelledwasahappyspecimenofwhatfuturecomplaisanceandcompanionablenesstoMrs。Jenningsmightbeexpectedtobe。Shesatinsilencealmostalltheway,wraptinherownmeditations,andscarcelyevervoluntarilyspeaking,exceptwhenanyobjectofpicturesquebeautywithintheirviewdrewfromheranexclamationofdelightexclusivelyaddressedtohersister。Toatoneforthisconducttherefore,Elinortookimmediatepossessionofthepostofcivilitywhichshehadassignedherself,behavedwiththegreatestattentiontoMrs。Jennings,talkedwithher,laughedwithher,andlistenedtoherwhenevershecould;andMrs。Jenningsonhersidetreatedthembothwithallpossiblekindness,wassolicitousoneveryoccasionfortheireaseandenjoyment,andonlydisturbedthatshecouldnotmakethemchoosetheirowndinnersattheinn,norextortaconfessionoftheirpreferringsalmontocod,orboiledfowlstovealcutlets。 Theyreachedtownbythreeo’clockthethirdday,gladtobereleased,aftersuchajourney,fromtheconfinementofacarriage,andreadytoenjoyalltheluxuryofagoodfire。 Thehousewashandsome,andhandsomelyfittedup,andtheyoungladieswereimmediatelyputinpossessionofaverycomfortableapartment。IthadformerlybeenCharlotte’s,andoverthemantelpiecestillhungalandscapeincolouredsilksofherperformance,inproofofherhavingspentsevenyearsatagreatschoolintowntosomeeffect。 Asdinnerwasnottobereadyinlessthantwohoursfromtheirarrival,Elinordeterminedtoemploytheintervalinwritingtohermother,andsatdownforthatpurpose。InafewmomentsMariannedidthesame。 “Iamwritinghome,Marianne,“saidElinor;“hadnotyoubetterdeferyourletterforadayortwo?” “IamNOTgoingtowritetomymother,“ repliedMarianne,hastily,andasifwishingtoavoidanyfartherinquiry。Elinorsaidnomore;itimmediatelystruckherthatshemustthenbewritingtoWilloughby; andtheconclusionwhichasinstantlyfollowedwas,that,howevermysteriouslytheymightwishtoconducttheaffair,theymustbeengaged。Thisconviction,thoughnotentirelysatisfactory,gaveherpleasure,andshecontinuedherletterwithgreateralacrity。 Marianne’swasfinishedinaveryfewminutes; inlengthitcouldbenomorethananote;itwasthenfoldedup,sealed,anddirectedwitheagerrapidity。 ElinorthoughtshecoulddistinguishalargeWinthedirection;andnosoonerwasitcompletethanMarianne,ringingthebell,requestedthefootmanwhoansweredittogetthatletterconveyedforhertothetwo-pennypost。 Thisdecidedthematteratonce。 Herspiritsstillcontinuedveryhigh;buttherewasaflutterinthemwhichpreventedtheirgivingmuchpleasuretohersister,andthisagitationincreasedastheeveningdrewon。Shecouldscarcelyeatanydinner,andwhentheyafterwardsreturnedtothedrawingroom,seemedanxiouslylisteningtothesoundofeverycarriage。 ItwasagreatsatisfactiontoElinorthatMrs。Jennings,bybeingmuchengagedinherownroom,couldseelittleofwhatwaspassing。Theteathingswerebroughtin,andalreadyhadMariannebeendisappointedmorethanoncebyarapataneighbouringdoor,whenaloudonewassuddenlyheardwhichcouldnotbemistakenforoneatanyotherhouse,ElinorfeltsecureofitsannouncingWilloughby’sapproach,andMarianne,startingup,movedtowardsthedoor。 Everythingwassilent;thiscouldnotbebornemanyseconds; sheopenedthedoor,advancedafewstepstowardsthestairs,andafterlisteninghalfaminute,returnedintotheroominalltheagitationwhichaconvictionofhavingheardhimwouldnaturallyproduce;intheecstasyofherfeelingsatthatinstantshecouldnothelpexclaiming,“Oh,Elinor,itisWilloughby,indeeditis!”andseemedalmostreadytothrowherselfintohisarms,whenColonelBrandonappeared。 Itwastoogreatashocktobebornewithcalmness,andsheimmediatelylefttheroom。Elinorwasdisappointedtoo; butatthesametimeherregardforColonelBrandonensuredhiswelcomewithher;andshefeltparticularlyhurtthatamansopartialtohersistershouldperceivethatsheexperiencednothingbutgriefanddisappointmentinseeinghim。 Sheinstantlysawthatitwasnotunnoticedbyhim,thatheevenobservedMarianneasshequittedtheroom,withsuchastonishmentandconcern,ashardlylefthimtherecollectionofwhatcivilitydemandedtowardsherself。 “Isyoursisterill?”saidhe。 Elinoransweredinsomedistressthatshewas,andthentalkedofhead-aches,lowspirits,andoverfatigues; andofeverythingtowhichshecoulddecentlyattributehersister’sbehaviour。 Heheardherwiththemostearnestattention,butseemingtorecollecthimself,saidnomoreonthesubject,andbegandirectlytospeakofhispleasureatseeingtheminLondon,makingtheusualinquiriesabouttheirjourney,andthefriendstheyhadleftbehind。 Inthiscalmkindofway,withverylittleinterestoneitherside,theycontinuedtotalk,bothofthemoutofspirits,andthethoughtsofbothengagedelsewhere。 ElinorwishedverymuchtoaskwhetherWilloughbywerethenintown,butshewasafraidofgivinghimpainbyanyenquiryafterhisrival;andatlength,bywayofsayingsomething,sheaskedifhehadbeeninLondoneversinceshehadseenhimlast。”Yes,“hereplied,withsomeembarrassment,“almosteversince;IhavebeenonceortwiceatDelafordforafewdays,butithasneverbeeninmypowertoreturntoBarton。” This,andthemannerinwhichitwassaid,immediatelybroughtbacktoherremembranceallthecircumstancesofhisquittingthatplace,withtheuneasinessandsuspicionstheyhadcausedtoMrs。Jennings,andshewasfearfulthatherquestionhadimpliedmuchmorecuriosityonthesubjectthanshehadeverfelt。 Mrs。Jenningssooncamein。”Oh!Colonel,“ saidshe,withherusualnoisycheerfulness,“Iammonstrousgladtoseeyou——sorryIcouldnotcomebefore——begyourpardon,butIhavebeenforcedtolookaboutmealittle,andsettlemymatters;foritisalongwhilesinceI havebeenathome,andyouknowonehasalwaysaworldoflittleoddthingstodoafteronehasbeenawayforanytime;andthenIhavehadCartwrighttosettlewith—— Lord,Ihavebeenasbusyasabeeeversincedinner! Butpray,Colonel,howcameyoutoconjureoutthatIshouldbeintowntoday?” “IhadthepleasureofhearingitatMr。Palmer’s,whereIhavebeendining。” “Oh,youdid;well,andhowdotheyalldoattheirhouse?,HowdoesCharlottedo?,Iwarrantyousheisafinesizebythistime。” “Mrs。Palmerappearedquitewell,andIamcommissionedtotellyou,thatyouwillcertainlyseeherto-morrow。” “Ay,tobesure,Ithoughtasmuch。Well,Colonel,Ihavebroughttwoyoungladieswithme,yousee——thatis,youseebutoneofthemnow,butthereisanothersomewhere。 Yourfriend,MissMarianne,too——whichyouwillnotbesorrytohear。IdonotknowwhatyouandMr。Willoughbywilldobetweenyouabouther。Ay,itisafinethingtobeyoungandhandsome。Well!Iwasyoungonce,butI neverwasveryhandsome——worseluckforme。However,Igotaverygoodhusband,andIdon’tknowwhatthegreatestbeautycandomore。Ah!poorman!hehasbeendeadtheseeightyearsandbetter。ButColonel,wherehaveyoubeentosinceweparted?,Andhowdoesyourbusinessgoon?,Come,come,let’shavenosecretsamongfriends。” Herepliedwithhisaccustomarymildnesstoallherinquiries,butwithoutsatisfyingherinany。 Elinornowbegantomakethetea,andMariannewasobligedtoappearagain。 Afterherentrance,ColonelBrandonbecamemorethoughtfulandsilentthanhehadbeenbefore,andMrs。Jenningscouldnotprevailonhimtostaylong。 Noothervisitorappearedthatevening,andtheladieswereunanimousinagreeingtogoearlytobed。 Mariannerosethenextmorningwithrecoveredspiritsandhappylooks。Thedisappointmentoftheeveningbeforeseemedforgottenintheexpectationofwhatwastohappenthatday。TheyhadnotlongfinishedtheirbreakfastbeforeMrs。Palmer’sbarouchestoppedatthedoor,andinafewminutesshecamelaughingintotheroom:sodelightedtoseethemall,thatitwashardtosaywhethershereceivedmostpleasurefrommeetinghermotherortheMissDashwoodsagain。Sosurprisedattheircomingtotown,thoughitwaswhatshehadratherexpectedallalong; soangryattheiracceptinghermother’sinvitationafterhavingdeclinedherown,thoughatthesametimeshewouldneverhaveforgiventhemiftheyhadnotcome! “Mr。Palmerwillbesohappytoseeyou,“ saidshe;“WhatdoyouthinkhesaidwhenheheardofyourcomingwithMamma?,Iforgetwhatitwasnow,butitwassomethingsodroll!” Afteranhourortwospentinwhathermothercalledcomfortablechat,orinotherwords,ineveryvarietyofinquiryconcerningalltheiracquaintanceonMrs。Jennings’sside,andinlaughterwithoutcauseonMrs。Palmer’s,itwasproposedbythelatterthattheyshouldallaccompanyhertosomeshopswhereshehadbusinessthatmorning,towhichMrs。JenningsandElinorreadilyconsented,ashavinglikewisesomepurchasestomakethemselves; andMarianne,thoughdecliningitatfirstwasinducedtogolikewise。 Wherevertheywent,shewasevidentlyalwaysonthewatch。InBondStreetespecially,wheremuchoftheirbusinesslay,hereyeswereinconstantinquiry; andinwhatevershopthepartywereengaged,hermindwasequallyabstractedfromeverythingactuallybeforethem,fromallthatinterestedandoccupiedtheothers。 Restlessanddissatisfiedeverywhere,hersistercouldneverobtainheropinionofanyarticleofpurchase,howeveritmightequallyconcernthemboth:shereceivednopleasurefromanything;wasonlyimpatienttobeathomeagain,andcouldwithdifficultygovernhervexationatthetediousnessofMrs。Palmer,whoseeyewascaughtbyeverythingpretty,expensive,ornew;whowaswildtobuyall,coulddetermineonnone,anddawdledawayhertimeinraptureandindecision。 Itwaslateinthemorningbeforetheyreturnedhome; andnosoonerhadtheyenteredthehousethanMariannefleweagerlyupstairs,andwhenElinorfollowed,shefoundherturningfromthetablewithasorrowfulcountenance,whichdeclaredthatnoWilloughbyhadbeenthere。 “Hasnoletterbeenlefthereformesincewewentout?” saidshetothefootmanwhothenenteredwiththeparcels。 Shewasansweredinthenegative。”Areyouquitesureofit?”shereplied。”Areyoucertainthatnoservant,noporterhasleftanyletterornote?” Themanrepliedthatnonehad。 “Howveryodd!”saidshe,inalowanddisappointedvoice,assheturnedawaytothewindow。 “Howodd,indeed!”repeatedElinorwithinherself,regardinghersisterwithuneasiness。”Ifshehadnotknownhimtobeintownshewouldnothavewrittentohim,asshedid;shewouldhavewrittentoCombeMagna; andifheisintown,howoddthatheshouldneithercomenorwrite!,Oh!mydearmother,youmustbewronginpermittinganengagementbetweenadaughtersoyoung,amansolittleknown,tobecarriedoninsodoubtful,somysteriousamanner!,Ilongtoinquire;andhowwillMY interferencebeborne。” Shedetermined,aftersomeconsideration,thatifappearancescontinuedmanydayslongerasunpleasantastheynowwere,shewouldrepresentinthestrongestmannertohermotherthenecessityofsomeseriousenquiryintotheaffair。 Mrs。PalmerandtwoelderlyladiesofMrs。 Jennings’sintimateacquaintance,whomshehadmetandinvitedinthemorning,dinedwiththem。Theformerleftthemsoonafterteatofulfillhereveningengagements; andElinorwasobligedtoassistinmakingawhisttablefortheothers。Mariannewasofnouseontheseoccasions,asshewouldneverlearnthegame;butthoughhertimewasthereforeatherowndisposal,theeveningwasbynomeansmoreproductiveofpleasuretoherthantoElinor,foritwasspentinalltheanxietyofexpectationandthepainofdisappointment。Shesometimesendeavouredforafewminutestoread;butthebookwassoonthrownaside,andshereturnedtothemoreinterestingemploymentofwalkingbackwardsandforwardsacrosstheroom,pausingforamomentwhenevershecametothewindow,inhopesofdistinguishingthelong-expectedrap。 chapter27 CHAPTER27 “Ifthisopenweatherholdsmuchlonger,“saidMrs。Jennings,whentheymetatbreakfastthefollowingmorning,“SirJohnwillnotlikeleavingBartonnextweek; ’tisasadthingforsportsmentoloseaday’spleasure。 Poorsouls!,Ialwayspitythemwhentheydo;theyseemtotakeitsomuchtoheart。” “Thatistrue,“criedMarianne,inacheerfulvoice,andwalkingtothewindowasshespoke,toexaminetheday。 “Ihadnotthoughtofthat。Thisweatherwillkeepmanysportsmeninthecountry。” Itwasaluckyrecollection,allhergoodspiritswererestoredbyit。”ItischarmingweatherforTHEMindeed,“ shecontinued,asshesatdowntothebreakfasttablewithahappycountenance。”Howmuchtheymustenjoyit!But“(withalittlereturnofanxiety)“itcannotbeexpectedtolastlong。Atthistimeoftheyear,andaftersuchaseriesofrain,weshallcertainlyhaveverylittlemoreofit。Frostswillsoonsetin,andinallprobabilitywithseverity。Inanotherdayortwoperhaps;thisextrememildnesscanhardlylastlonger——nay,perhapsitmayfreezetonight!” “Atanyrate,“saidElinor,wishingtopreventMrs。Jenningsfromseeinghersister’sthoughtsasclearlyasshedid,“IdaresayweshallhaveSirJohnandLadyMiddletonintownbytheendofnextweek。” “Ay,mydear,I’llwarrantyouwedo。 Maryalwayshasherownway。” “Andnow,“silentlyconjecturedElinor,“shewillwritetoCombebythisday’spost。” ButifsheDID,theletterwaswrittenandsentawaywithaprivacywhicheludedallherwatchfulnesstoascertainthefact。Whateverthetruthofitmightbe,andfarasElinorwasfromfeelingthoroughcontentmentaboutit,yetwhileshesawMarianneinspirits,shecouldnotbeveryuncomfortableherself。AndMariannewasinspirits; happyinthemildnessoftheweather,andstillhappierinherexpectationofafrost。 ThemorningwaschieflyspentinleavingcardsatthehousesofMrs。Jennings’sacquaintancetoinformthemofherbeingintown;andMariannewasallthetimebusyinobservingthedirectionofthewind,watchingthevariationsoftheskyandimagininganalterationintheair。 “Don’tyoufinditcolderthanitwasinthemorning,Elinor?Thereseemstomeaverydecideddifference。 Icanhardlykeepmyhandswarmeveninmymuff。Itwasnotsoyesterday,Ithink。Thecloudsseempartingtoo,thesunwillbeoutinamoment,andweshallhaveaclearafternoon。” Elinorwasalternatelydivertedandpained; butMariannepersevered,andsaweverynightinthebrightnessofthefire,andeverymorningintheappearanceoftheatmosphere,thecertainsymptomsofapproachingfrost。 TheMissDashwoodshadnogreaterreasontobedissatisfiedwithMrs。Jennings’sstyleofliving,andsetofacquaintance,thanwithherbehaviourtothemselves,whichwasinvariablykind。Everythinginherhouseholdarrangementswasconductedonthemostliberalplan,andexceptingafewoldcityfriends,whom,toLadyMiddleton’sregret,shehadneverdropped,shevisitednoonetowhomanintroductioncouldatalldiscomposethefeelingsofheryoungcompanions。Pleasedtofindherselfmorecomfortablysituatedinthatparticularthanshehadexpected,Elinorwasverywillingtocompoundforthewantofmuchrealenjoymentfromanyoftheireveningparties,which,whetherathomeorabroad,formedonlyforcards,couldhavelittletoamuseher。 ColonelBrandon,whohadageneralinvitationtothehouse,waswiththemalmosteveryday;hecametolookatMarianneandtalktoElinor,whooftenderivedmoresatisfactionfromconversingwithhimthanfromanyotherdailyoccurrence,butwhosawatthesametimewithmuchconcernhiscontinuedregardforhersister。 Shefeareditwasastrengtheningregard。ItgrievedhertoseetheearnestnesswithwhichheoftenwatchedMarianne,andhisspiritswerecertainlyworsethanwhenatBarton。 Aboutaweekaftertheirarrival,itbecamecertainthatWilloughbywasalsoarrived。Hiscardwasonthetablewhentheycameinfromthemorning’sdrive。 “GoodGod!”criedMarianne,“hehasbeenherewhilewewereout。”,Elinor,rejoicedtobeassuredofhisbeinginLondon,nowventuredtosay,“Dependuponit,hewillcallagaintomorrow。”,ButMarianneseemedhardlytohearher,andonMrs。Jenning’sentrance,escapedwiththepreciouscard。 Thisevent,whileitraisedthespiritsofElinor,restoredtothoseofhersisterall,andmorethanall,theirformeragitation。Fromthismomenthermindwasneverquiet;theexpectationofseeinghimeveryhouroftheday,madeherunfitforanything。Sheinsistedonbeingleftbehind,thenextmorning,whentheotherswentout。 Elinor’sthoughtswerefullofwhatmightbepassinginBerkeleyStreetduringtheirabsence;butamoment’sglanceathersisterwhentheyreturnedwasenoughtoinformher,thatWilloughbyhadpaidnosecondvisitthere。 Anotewasjustthenbroughtin,andlaidonthetable,“Forme!”criedMarianne,steppinghastilyforward。 “No,ma’am,formymistress。” ButMarianne,notconvinced,tookitinstantlyup。 “ItisindeedforMrs。Jennings;howprovoking!” “Youareexpectingaletter,then?”saidElinor,unabletobelongersilent。 “Yes,alittle——notmuch。” Afterashortpause。”Youhavenoconfidenceinme,Marianne。” “Nay,Elinor,thisreproachfromYOU——youwhohaveconfidenceinnoone!” “Me!”returnedElinorinsomeconfusion;“indeed,Marianne,Ihavenothingtotell。” “NorI,“answeredMariannewithenergy,“oursituationsthenarealike。Wehaveneitherofusanythingtotell; you,becauseyoudonotcommunicate,andI,becauseIconcealnothing。” Elinor,distressedbythischargeofreserveinherself,whichshewasnotatlibertytodoaway,knewnothow,undersuchcircumstances,topressforgreateropennessinMarianne。 Mrs。Jenningssoonappeared,andthenotebeinggivenher,shereaditaloud。ItwasfromLadyMiddleton,announcingtheirarrivalinConduitStreetthenightbefore,andrequestingthecompanyofhermotherandcousinsthefollowingevening。BusinessonSirJohn’spart,andaviolentcoldonherown,preventedtheircallinginBerkeleyStreet。Theinvitationwasaccepted; butwhenthehourofappointmentdrewnear,necessaryasitwasincommoncivilitytoMrs。Jennings,thattheyshouldbothattendheronsuchavisit,Elinorhadsomedifficultyinpersuadinghersistertogo,forstillshehadseennothingofWilloughby;andthereforewasnotmoreindisposedforamusementabroad,thanunwillingtoruntheriskofhiscallingagaininherabsence。 Elinorfound,whentheeveningwasover,thatdispositionisnotmateriallyalteredbyachangeofabode,foralthoughscarcelysettledintown,SirJohnhadcontrivedtocollectaroundhim,nearlytwentyyoungpeople,andtoamusethemwithaball。Thiswasanaffair,however,ofwhichLadyMiddletondidnotapprove。 Inthecountry,anunpremeditateddancewasveryallowable; butinLondon,wherethereputationofelegancewasmoreimportantandlesseasilyattained,itwasriskingtoomuchforthegratificationofafewgirls,tohaveitknownthatLadyMiddletonhadgivenasmalldanceofeightorninecouple,withtwoviolins,andamereside-boardcollation。 Mr。andMrs。Palmerwereoftheparty;fromtheformer,whomtheyhadnotseenbeforesincetheirarrivalintown,ashewascarefultoavoidtheappearanceofanyattentiontohismother-in-law,andthereforenevercamenearher,theyreceivednomarkofrecognitionontheirentrance。 Helookedatthemslightly,withoutseemingtoknowwhotheywere,andmerelynoddedtoMrs。Jenningsfromtheothersideoftheroom。Mariannegaveoneglanceroundtheapartmentassheentered:itwasenough——HE wasnotthere——andshesatdown,equallyill-disposedtoreceiveorcommunicatepleasure。Aftertheyhadbeenassembledaboutanhour,Mr。PalmersaunteredtowardstheMissDashwoodstoexpresshissurpriseonseeingthemintown,thoughColonelBrandonhadbeenfirstinformedoftheirarrivalathishouse,andhehadhimselfsaidsomethingverydrollonhearingthattheyweretocome。 “IthoughtyouwerebothinDevonshire,“saidhe。 “Didyou?”repliedElinor。 “Whendoyougobackagain?” “Idonotknow。”Andthusendedtheirdiscourse。 NeverhadMariannebeensounwillingtodanceinherlife,asshewasthatevening,andneversomuchfatiguedbytheexercise。ShecomplainedofitastheyreturnedtoBerkeleyStreet。 “Aye,aye,“saidMrs。Jennings,“weknowthereasonofallthatverywell;ifacertainpersonwhoshallbenameless,hadbeenthere,youwouldnothavebeenabittired:andtosaythetruthitwasnotveryprettyofhimnottogiveyouthemeetingwhenhewasinvited。” “Invited!”criedMarianne。 “SomydaughterMiddletontoldme,foritseemsSirJohnmethimsomewhereinthestreetthismorning。” Mariannesaidnomore,butlookedexceedinglyhurt。 Impatientinthissituationtobedoingsomethingthatmightleadtohersister’srelief,Elinorresolvedtowritethenextmorningtohermother,andhopedbyawakeningherfearsforthehealthofMarianne,toprocurethoseinquirieswhichhadbeensolongdelayed; andshewasstillmoreeagerlybentonthismeasurebyperceivingafterbreakfastonthemorrow,thatMariannewasagainwritingtoWilloughby,forshecouldnotsupposeittobetoanyotherperson。 Aboutthemiddleoftheday,Mrs。Jenningswentoutbyherselfonbusiness,andElinorbeganherletterdirectly,whileMarianne,toorestlessforemployment,tooanxiousforconversation,walkedfromonewindowtotheother,orsatdownbythefireinmelancholymeditation。 Elinorwasveryearnestinherapplicationtohermother,relatingallthathadpassed,hersuspicionsofWilloughby’sinconstancy,urgingherbyeverypleaofdutyandaffectiontodemandfromMarianneanaccountofherrealsituationwithrespecttohim。 Herletterwasscarcelyfinished,whenarapforetoldavisitor,andColonelBrandonwasannounced。 Marianne,whohadseenhimfromthewindow,andwhohatedcompanyofanykind,lefttheroombeforeheenteredit。 Helookedmorethanusuallygrave,andthoughexpressingsatisfactionatfindingMissDashwoodalone,asifhehadsomewhatinparticulartotellher,satforsometimewithoutsayingaword。Elinor,persuadedthathehadsomecommunicationtomakeinwhichhersisterwasconcerned,impatientlyexpecteditsopening。 Itwasnotthefirsttimeofherfeelingthesamekindofconviction;for,morethanoncebefore,beginningwiththeobservationof“yoursisterlooksunwellto-day,“ or“yoursisterseemsoutofspirits,“hehadappearedonthepoint,eitherofdisclosing,orofinquiring,somethingparticularabouther。Afterapauseofseveralminutes,theirsilencewasbroken,byhisaskingherinavoiceofsomeagitation,whenhewastocongratulateherontheacquisitionofabrother?,Elinorwasnotpreparedforsuchaquestion,andhavingnoanswerready,wasobligedtoadoptthesimpleandcommonexpedient,ofaskingwhathemeant?,Hetriedtosmileashereplied,“yoursister’sengagementtoMr。Willoughbyisverygenerallyknown。” “Itcannotbegenerallyknown,“returnedElinor,“forherownfamilydonotknowit。” Helookedsurprisedandsaid,“Ibegyourpardon,Iamafraidmyinquiryhasbeenimpertinent;butIhadnotsupposedanysecrecyintended,astheyopenlycorrespond,andtheirmarriageisuniversallytalkedof。” “Howcanthatbe?Bywhomcanyouhavehearditmentioned?” “Bymany——bysomeofwhomyouknownothing,byotherswithwhomyouaremostintimate,Mrs。Jennings,Mrs。Palmer,andtheMiddletons。ButstillImightnothavebelievedit,forwherethemindisperhapsratherunwillingtobeconvinced,itwillalwaysfindsomethingtosupportitsdoubts,ifIhadnot,whentheservantletmeintoday,accidentallyseenaletterinhishand,directedtoMr。Willoughbyinyoursister’swriting。Icametoinquire,butIwasconvincedbeforeIcouldaskthequestion。 Iseverythingfinallysettled?,Isitimpossibleto-? ButIhavenoright,andIcouldhavenochanceofsucceeding。 Excuseme,MissDashwood。IbelieveIhavebeenwronginsayingsomuch,butIhardlyknowwhattodo,andonyourprudenceIhavethestrongestdependence。Tellmethatitisallabsolutelyresolvedon,thatanyattempt,thatinshortconcealment,ifconcealmentbepossible,isallthatremains。” Thesewords,whichconveyedtoElinoradirectavowalofhisloveforhersister,affectedherverymuch。 Shewasnotimmediatelyabletosayanything,andevenwhenherspiritswererecovered,shedebatedforashorttime,ontheansweritwouldbemostpropertogive。 TherealstateofthingsbetweenWilloughbyandhersisterwassolittleknowntoherself,thatinendeavouringtoexplainit,shemightbeasliabletosaytoomuchastoolittle。YetasshewasconvincedthatMarianne’saffectionforWilloughby,couldleavenohopeofColonelBrandon’ssuccess,whatevertheeventofthataffectionmightbe,andatthesametimewishedtoshieldherconductfromcensure,shethoughtitmostprudentandkind,aftersomeconsideration,tosaymorethanshereallykneworbelieved。Sheacknowledged,therefore,thatthoughshehadneverbeeninformedbythemselvesofthetermsonwhichtheystoodwitheachother,oftheirmutualaffectionshehadnodoubt,andoftheircorrespondenceshewasnotastonishedtohear。 Helistenedtoherwithsilentattention,andonherceasingtospeak,rosedirectlyfromhisseat,andaftersayinginavoiceofemotion,“toyoursisterIwishallimaginablehappiness;toWilloughbythathemayendeavourtodeserveher,“——tookleave,andwentaway。 Elinorderivednocomfortablefeelingsfromthisconversation,tolessentheuneasinessofhermindonotherpoints;shewasleft,onthecontrary,withamelancholyimpressionofColonelBrandon’sunhappiness,andwaspreventedevenfromwishingitremoved,byheranxietyfortheveryeventthatmustconfirmit。 chapter28 CHAPTER28 Nothingoccurredduringthenextthreeorfourdays,tomakeElinorregretwhatshehaddone,inapplyingtohermother;forWilloughbyneithercamenorwrote。 TheywereengagedabouttheendofthattimetoattendLadyMiddletontoaparty,fromwhichMrs。Jenningswaskeptawaybytheindispositionofheryoungestdaughter; andforthisparty,Marianne,whollydispirited,carelessofherappearance,andseemingequallyindifferentwhethershewentorstaid,prepared,withoutonelookofhopeoroneexpressionofpleasure。Shesatbythedrawing-roomfireaftertea,tillthemomentofLadyMiddleton’sarrival,withoutoncestirringfromherseat,oralteringherattitude,lostinherownthoughts,andinsensibleofhersister’spresence;andwhenatlasttheyweretoldthatLadyMiddletonwaitedforthematthedoor,shestartedasifshehadforgottenthatanyonewasexpected。 Theyarrivedinduetimeattheplaceofdestination,andassoonasthestringofcarriagesbeforethemwouldallow,alighted,ascendedthestairs,heardtheirnamesannouncedfromonelanding-placetoanotherinanaudiblevoice,andenteredaroomsplendidlylitup,quitefullofcompany,andinsufferablyhot。Whentheyhadpaidtheirtributeofpolitenessbycurtsyingtotheladyofthehouse,theywerepermittedtomingleinthecrowd,andtaketheirshareoftheheatandinconvenience,towhichtheirarrivalmustnecessarilyadd。Aftersometimespentinsayinglittleordoingless,LadyMiddletonsatdowntoCassino,andasMariannewasnotinspiritsformovingabout,sheandElinorluckilysucceedingtochairs,placedthemselvesatnogreatdistancefromthetable。 Theyhadnotremainedinthismannerlong,beforeElinorperceivedWilloughby,standingwithinafewyardsofthem,inearnestconversationwithaveryfashionablelookingyoungwoman。Shesooncaughthiseye,andheimmediatelybowed,butwithoutattemptingtospeaktoher,ortoapproachMarianne,thoughhecouldnotbutseeher; andthencontinuedhisdiscoursewiththesamelady。 ElinorturnedinvoluntarilytoMarianne,toseewhetheritcouldbeunobservedbyher。Atthatmomentshefirstperceivedhim,andherwholecountenanceglowingwithsuddendelight,shewouldhavemovedtowardshiminstantly,hadnothersistercaughtholdofher。 “Goodheavens!”sheexclaimed,“heisthere——heisthere——Oh!whydoeshenotlookatme?whycannotIspeaktohim?” “Pray,praybecomposed,“criedElinor,“anddonotbetraywhatyoufeeltoeverybodypresent。 Perhapshehasnotobservedyouyet。” Thishoweverwasmorethanshecouldbelieveherself; andtobecomposedatsuchamomentwasnotonlybeyondthereachofMarianne,itwasbeyondherwish。Shesatinanagonyofimpatiencewhichaffectedeveryfeature。 Atlastheturnedroundagain,andregardedthemboth; shestartedup,andpronouncinghisnameinatoneofaffection,heldoutherhandtohim。Heapproached,andaddressinghimselfrathertoElinorthanMarianne,asifwishingtoavoidhereye,anddeterminednottoobserveherattitude,inquiredinahurriedmannerafterMrs。Dashwood,andaskedhowlongtheyhadbeenintown。 Elinorwasrobbedofallpresenceofmindbysuchanaddress,andwasunabletosayaword。Butthefeelingsofhersisterwereinstantlyexpressed。Herfacewascrimsonedover,andsheexclaimed,inavoiceofthegreatestemotion,“GoodGod!Willoughby,whatisthemeaningofthis? Haveyounotreceivedmyletters?,Willyounotshakehandswithme?” Hecouldnotthenavoidit,buthertouchseemedpainfultohim,andheheldherhandonlyforamoment。 Duringallthistimehewasevidentlystrugglingforcomposure。 Elinorwatchedhiscountenanceandsawitsexpressionbecomingmoretranquil。Afteramoment’spause,hespokewithcalmness。 “IdidmyselfthehonourofcallinginBerkeleyStreetlastTuesday,andverymuchregrettedthatIwasnotfortunateenoughtofindyourselvesandMrs。Jenningsathome。Mycardwasnotlost,Ihope。” “Buthaveyounotreceivedmynotes?”criedMarianneinthewildestanxiety。”HereissomemistakeIamsure——somedreadfulmistake。Whatcanbethemeaningofit?,Tellme,Willoughby;forheaven’ssaketellme,whatisthematter?” Hemadenoreply;hiscomplexionchangedandallhisembarrassmentreturned;butasif,oncatchingtheeyeoftheyoungladywithwhomhehadbeenpreviouslytalking,hefeltthenecessityofinstantexertion,herecoveredhimselfagain,andaftersaying,“Yes,Ihadthepleasureofreceivingtheinformationofyourarrivalintown,whichyouweresogoodastosendme,“turnedhastilyawaywithaslightbowandjoinedhisfriend。 Marianne,nowlookingdreadfullywhite,andunabletostand,sunkintoherchair,andElinor,expectingeverymomenttoseeherfaint,triedtoscreenherfromtheobservationofothers,whilerevivingherwithlavenderwater。 “Gotohim,Elinor,“shecried,assoonasshecouldspeak,“andforcehimtocometome。TellhimImustseehimagain——mustspeaktohiminstantly—— Icannotrest——Ishallnothaveamoment’speacetillthisisexplained——somedreadfulmisapprehensionorother—— Ohgotohimthismoment。” “Howcanthatbedone?No,mydearestMarianne,youmustwait。Thisisnottheplaceforexplanations。 Waitonlytilltomorrow。” Withdifficultyhowevercouldshepreventherfromfollowinghimherself;andtopersuadehertocheckheragitation,towait,atleast,withtheappearanceofcomposure,tillshemightspeaktohimwithmoreprivacyandmoreeffect,wasimpossible;forMariannecontinuedincessantlytogivewayinalowvoicetothemiseryofherfeelings,byexclamationsofwretchedness。 InashorttimeElinorsawWilloughbyquittheroombythedoortowardsthestaircase,andtellingMariannethathewasgone,urgedtheimpossibilityofspeakingtohimagainthatevening,asafreshargumentforhertobecalm。 SheinstantlybeggedhersisterwouldentreatLadyMiddletontotakethemhome,asshewastoomiserabletostayaminutelonger。 LadyMiddleton,thoughinthemiddleofarubber,onbeinginformedthatMariannewasunwell,wastoopolitetoobjectforamomenttoherwishofgoingaway,andmakingoverhercardstoafriend,theydepartedassoonthecarriagecouldbefound。ScarcelyawordwasspokenduringtheirreturntoBerkeleyStreet。 Mariannewasinasilentagony,toomuchoppressedevenfortears;butasMrs。Jenningswasluckilynotcomehome,theycouldgodirectlytotheirownroom,wherehartshornrestoredheralittletoherself。Shewassoonundressedandinbed,andassheseemeddesirousofbeingalone,hersisterthenlefther,andwhileshewaitedthereturnofMrs。Jennings,hadleisureenoughforthinkingoverthepast。 ThatsomekindofengagementhadsubsistedbetweenWilloughbyandMarianneshecouldnotdoubt,andthatWilloughbywaswearyofit,seemedequallyclear; forhoweverMariannemightstillfeedherownwishes,SHEcouldnotattributesuchbehaviourtomistakeormisapprehensionofanykind。Nothingbutathoroughchangeofsentimentcouldaccountforit。Herindignationwouldhavebeenstillstrongerthanitwas,hadshenotwitnessedthatembarrassmentwhichseemedtospeakaconsciousnessofhisownmisconduct,andpreventedherfrombelievinghimsounprincipledastohavebeensportingwiththeaffectionsofhersisterfromthefirst,withoutanydesignthatwouldbearinvestigation。 Absencemighthaveweakenedhisregard,andconveniencemighthavedeterminedhimtoovercomeit,butthatsucharegardhadformerlyexistedshecouldnotbringherselftodoubt。 AsforMarianne,onthepangswhichsounhappyameetingmustalreadyhavegivenher,andonthosestillmoreseverewhichmightawaitherinitsprobableconsequence,shecouldnotreflectwithoutthedeepestconcern。 Herownsituationgainedinthecomparison;forwhileshecouldESTEEMEdwardasmuchasever,howevertheymightbedividedinfuture,hermindmightbealwayssupported。 ButeverycircumstancethatcouldembittersuchanevilseemedunitingtoheightenthemiseryofMarianneinafinalseparationfromWilloughby——inanimmediateandirreconcilablerupturewithhim。 chapter29 CHAPTER29 Beforethehouse-maidhadlittheirfirethenextday,orthesungainedanypoweroveracold,gloomymorninginJanuary,Marianne,onlyhalfdressed,waskneelingagainstoneofthewindow-seatsforthesakeofallthelittlelightshecouldcommandfromit,andwritingasfastasacontinualflowoftearswouldpermither。 Inthissituation,Elinor,rousedfromsleepbyheragitationandsobs,firstperceivedher;andafterobservingherforafewmomentswithsilentanxiety,said,inatoneofthemostconsiderategentleness,“Marianne,mayIask-?” “No,Elinor,“shereplied,“asknothing;youwillsoonknowall。” Thesortofdesperatecalmnesswithwhichthiswassaid,lastednolongerthanwhileshespoke,andwasimmediatelyfollowedbyareturnofthesameexcessiveaffliction。 Itwassomeminutesbeforeshecouldgoonwithherletter,andthefrequentburstsofgriefwhichstillobligedher,atintervals,towithholdherpen,wereproofsenoughofherfeelinghowmorethanprobableitwasthatshewaswritingforthelasttimetoWilloughby。 Elinorpaidhereveryquietandunobtrusiveattentioninherpower;andshewouldhavetriedtosoothandtranquilizeherstillmore,hadnotMarianneentreatedher,withalltheeagernessofthemostnervousirritability,nottospeaktoherfortheworld。Insuchcircumstances,itwasbetterforboththattheyshouldnotbelongtogether; andtherestlessstateofMarianne’smindnotonlypreventedherfromremainingintheroomamomentaftershewasdressed,butrequiringatoncesolitudeandcontinualchangeofplace,madeherwanderaboutthehousetillbreakfasttime,avoidingthesightofeverybody。 Atbreakfastsheneitherate,norattemptedtoeatanything;andElinor’sattentionwasthenallemployed,notinurgingher,notinpityingher,norinappearingtoregardher,butinendeavouringtoengageMrs。Jenning’snoticeentirelytoherself。 AsthiswasafavouritemealwithMrs。Jennings,itlastedaconsiderabletime,andtheywerejustsettingthemselves,afterit,roundthecommonworkingtable,whenaletterwasdeliveredtoMarianne,whichsheeagerlycaughtfromtheservant,and,turningofadeath-likepaleness,instantlyranoutoftheroom。Elinor,whosawasplainlybythis,asifshehadseenthedirection,thatitmustcomefromWilloughby,feltimmediatelysuchasicknessatheartasmadeherhardlyabletoholdupherhead,andsatinsuchageneraltremourasmadeherfearitimpossibletoescapeMrs。Jenning’snotice。Thatgoodlady,however,sawonlythatMariannehadreceivedaletterfromWilloughby,whichappearedtoheraverygoodjoke,andwhichshetreatedaccordingly,byhoping,withalaugh,thatshewouldfindittoherliking。OfElinor’sdistress,shewastoobusilyemployedinmeasuringlengthsofworstedforherrug,toseeanythingatall;andcalmlycontinuinghertalk,assoonasMariannedisappeared,shesaid,“Uponmyword,Ineversawayoungwomansodesperatelyinloveinmylife!,MYgirlswerenothingtoher,andyettheyusedtobefoolishenough;butasforMissMarianne,sheisquiteanalteredcreature。 Ihope,fromthebottomofmyheart,hewon’tkeepherwaitingmuchlonger,foritisquitegrievoustoseeherlooksoillandforlorn。Pray,whenaretheytobemarried?” Elinor,thoughneverlessdisposedtospeakthanatthatmoment,obligedherselftoanswersuchanattackasthis,and,therefore,tryingtosmile,replied,“Andhaveyoureally,Ma’am,talkedyourselfintoapersuasionofmysister’sbeingengagedtoMr。Willoughby?,Ithoughtithadbeenonlyajoke,butsoseriousaquestionseemstoimplymore;andImustbeg,therefore,thatyouwillnotdeceiveyourselfanylonger。Idoassureyouthatnothingwouldsurprisememorethantohearoftheirbeinggoingtobemarried。” “Forshame,forshame,MissDashwood!howcanyoutalkso?,Don’tweallknowthatitmustbeamatch,thattheywereoverheadandearsinlovewitheachotherfromthefirstmomenttheymet?,DidnotIseethemtogetherinDevonshireeveryday,andalldaylong;anddidnotI knowthatyoursistercametotownwithmeonpurposetobuyweddingclothes?,Come,come,thiswon’tdo。 Becauseyouaresoslyaboutityourself,youthinknobodyelsehasanysenses;butitisnosuchthing,Icantellyou,forithasbeenknownallovertownthiseversolong。 ItelleverybodyofitandsodoesCharlotte。” “Indeed,Ma’am,“saidElinor,veryseriously,“youaremistaken。Indeed,youaredoingaveryunkindthinginspreadingthereport,andyouwillfindthatyouhavethoughyouwillnotbelievemenow。” Mrs。Jenningslaughedagain,butElinorhadnotspiritstosaymore,andeageratalleventstoknowwhatWilloughbyhadwritten,hurriedawaytotheirroom,where,onopeningthedoor,shesawMariannestretchedonthebed,almostchokedbygrief,oneletterinherhand,andtwoorthreeotherslayingbyher。Elinordrewnear,butwithoutsayingaword;andseatingherselfonthebed,tookherhand,kissedheraffectionatelyseveraltimes,andthengavewaytoaburstoftears,whichatfirstwasscarcelylessviolentthanMarianne’s。Thelatter,thoughunabletospeak,seemedtofeelallthetendernessofthisbehaviour,andaftersometimethusspentinjointaffliction,sheputallthelettersintoElinor’shands; andthencoveringherfacewithherhandkerchief,almostscreamedwithagony。Elinor,whoknewthatsuchgrief,shockingasitwastowitnessit,musthaveitscourse,watchedbyhertillthisexcessofsufferinghadsomewhatspentitself,andthenturningeagerlytoWilloughby’sletter,readasfollows: “BondStreet,January。 “MYDEARMADAM,“Ihavejusthadthehonourofreceivingyourletter,forwhichIbegtoreturnmysincereacknowledgments。Iammuchconcernedtofindtherewasanythinginmybehaviourlastnightthatdidnotmeetyourapprobation;andthoughIamquiteatalosstodiscoverinwhatpointIcouldbesounfortunateastooffendyou,IentreatyourforgivenessofwhatIcanassureyoutohavebeenperfectlyunintentional。IshallneverreflectonmyformeracquaintancewithyourfamilyinDevonshirewithoutthemostgratefulpleasure,andflattermyselfitwillnotbebrokenbyanymistakeormisapprehensionofmyactions。Myesteemforyourwholefamilyisverysincere;butifIhavebeensounfortunateastogiverisetoabeliefofmorethanIfelt,ormeanttoexpress,Ishallreproachmyselffornothavingbeenmoreguardedinmyprofessionsofthatesteem。ThatIshouldeverhavemeantmoreyouwillallowtobeimpossible,whenyouunderstandthatmyaffectionshavebeenlongengagedelsewhere,anditwillnotbemanyweeks,Ibelieve,beforethisengagementisfulfilled。ItiswithgreatregretthatIobeyyourcommandsinreturningtheletterswithwhichIhavebeenhonouredfromyou,andthelockofhair,whichyousoobliginglybestowedonme。 “Iam,dearMadam,“Yourmostobedient,“humbleservant,“JOHNWILLOUGHBY。” WithwhatindignationsuchaletterasthismustbereadbyMissDashwood,maybeimagined。Thoughaware,beforeshebeganit,thatitmustbringaconfessionofhisinconstancy,andconfirmtheirseparationforever,shewasnotawarethatsuchlanguagecouldbesufferedtoannounceit;norcouldshehavesupposedWilloughbycapableofdepartingsofarfromtheappearanceofeveryhonourableanddelicatefeeling——sofarfromthecommondecorumofagentleman,astosendalettersoimpudentlycruel:aletterwhich,insteadofbringingwithhisdesireofareleaseanyprofessionsofregret,acknowledgednobreachoffaith,deniedallpeculiaraffectionwhatever—— aletterofwhicheverylinewasaninsult,andwhichproclaimeditswritertobedeepinhardenedvillainy。 Shepausedoveritforsometimewithindignantastonishment;thenreaditagainandagain;buteveryperusalonlyservedtoincreaseherabhorrenceoftheman,andsobitterwereherfeelingsagainsthim,thatshedarednottrustherselftospeak,lestshemightwoundMariannestilldeeperbytreatingtheirdisengagement,notasalosstoherofanypossiblegoodbutasanescapefromtheworstandmostirremediableofallevils,aconnection,forlife,withanunprincipledman,asadeliverancethemostreal,ablessingthemostimportant。 Inherearnestmeditationsonthecontentsoftheletter,onthedepravityofthatmindwhichcoulddictateit,andprobably,ontheverydifferentmindofaverydifferentperson,whohadnootherconnectionwhateverwiththeaffairthanwhatherheartgavehimwitheverythingthatpassed,Elinorforgottheimmediatedistressofhersister,forgotthatshehadthreelettersonherlapyetunread,andsoentirelyforgothowlongshehadbeenintheroom,thatwhenonhearingacarriagedriveuptothedoor,shewenttothewindowtoseewhocouldbecomingsounreasonablyearly,shewasallastonishmenttoperceiveMrs。Jennings’schariot,whichsheknewhadnotbeenorderedtillone。DeterminednottoquitMarianne,thoughhopelessofcontributing,atpresent,toherease,shehurriedawaytoexcuseherselffromattendingMrs。Jennings,onaccountofhersisterbeingindisposed。 Mrs。Jennings,withathoroughlygood-humouredconcernforitscause,admittedtheexcusemostreadily,andElinor,afterseeinghersafeoff,returnedtoMarianne,whomshefoundattemptingtorisefromthebed,andwhomshereachedjustintimetopreventherfromfallingonthefloor,faintandgiddyfromalongwantofproperrestandfood; foritwasmanydayssinceshehadanyappetite,andmanynightssinceshehadreallyslept;andnow,whenhermindwasnolongersupportedbythefeverofsuspense,theconsequenceofallthiswasfeltinanachinghead,aweakenedstomach,andageneralnervousfaintness。 Aglassofwine,whichElinorprocuredforherdirectly,madehermorecomfortable,andshewasatlastabletoexpresssomesenseofherkindness,bysaying,“PoorElinor!howunhappyImakeyou!” “Ionlywish,“repliedhersister,“therewereanythingICOULDdo,whichmightbeofcomforttoyou。” This,aseverythingelsewouldhavebeen,wastoomuchforMarianne,whocouldonlyexclaim,intheanguishofherheart,“Oh!Elinor,Iammiserable,indeed,“beforehervoicewasentirelylostinsobs。 Elinorcouldnolongerwitnessthistorrentofunresistedgriefinsilence。 “Exertyourself,dearMarianne,“shecried,“ifyouwouldnotkillyourselfandallwholoveyou。 Thinkofyourmother;thinkofhermiserywhileYOUsuffer: forhersakeyoumustexertyourself。” “Icannot,Icannot,“criedMarianne;“leaveme,leaveme,ifIdistressyou;leaveme,hateme,forgetme! butdonottorturemeso。Oh!howeasyforthose,whohavenosorrowoftheirowntotalkofexertion!,Happy,happyElinor,YOUcannothaveanideaofwhatIsuffer。” “DoyoucallMEhappy,Marianne?,Ah! ifyouknew!——Andcanyoubelievemetobeso,whileIseeyousowretched!” “Forgiveme,forgiveme,“throwingherarmsroundhersister’sneck;“Iknowyoufeelforme;Iknowwhataheartyouhave;butyetyouare——youmustbehappy; Edwardlovesyou——what,ohwhat,candoawaysuchhappinessasthat?” “Many,manycircumstances,“saidElinor,solemnly。 “No,no,no,“criedMariannewildly,“helovesyou,andonlyyou。YouCANhavenogrief。” “IcanhavenopleasurewhileIseeyouinthisstate。” “Andyouwillneverseemeotherwise。 Mineisamiserywhichnothingcandoaway。” “Youmustnottalkso,Marianne。Haveyounocomforts?nofriends?,Isyourlosssuchasleavesnoopeningforconsolation?,Muchasyousuffernow,thinkofwhatyouwouldhavesufferedifthediscoveryofhischaracterhadbeendelayedtoalaterperiod—— ifyourengagementhadbeencarriedonformonthsandmonths,asitmighthavebeen,beforehechosetoputanendtoit。 Everyadditionaldayofunhappyconfidence,onyourside,wouldhavemadetheblowmoredreadful。” “Engagement!”criedMarianne,“therehasbeennoengagement。” “Noengagement!” “No,heisnotsounworthyasyoubelievehim。 Hehasbrokennofaithwithme。” “Buthetoldyouthathelovedyou。” “Yes——no——neverabsolutely。Itwaseverydayimplied,butneverprofessedlydeclared。SometimesIthoughtithadbeen——butitneverwas。” “Yetyouwrotetohim?”—— “Yes——couldthatbewrongafterallthathadpassed?—— ButIcannottalk。” Elinorsaidnomore,andturningagaintothethreeletterswhichnowraisedamuchstrongercuriositythanbefore,directlyranoverthecontentsofall。 Thefirst,whichwaswhathersisterhadsenthimontheirarrivalintown,wastothiseffect。 BerkeleyStreet,January。 “Howsurprisedyouwillbe,Willoughby,onreceivingthis;andIthinkyouwillfeelsomethingmorethansurprise,whenyouknowthatIamintown。 Anopportunityofcominghither,thoughwithMrs。 Jennings,wasatemptationwecouldnotresist。 Iwishyoumayreceivethisintimetocomehereto-night,butIwillnotdependonit。 AtanyrateIshallexpectyouto-morrow。Forthepresent,adieu。 “M。D。” Hersecondnote,whichhadbeenwrittenonthemorningafterthedanceattheMiddletons’,wasinthesewords:—— “Icannotexpressmydisappointmentinhavingmissedyouthedaybeforeyesterday,normyastonishmentatnothavingreceivedanyanswertoanotewhichIsentyouaboveaweekago。Ihavebeenexpectingtohearfromyou,andstillmoretoseeyou,everyhouroftheday。Praycallagainassoonaspossible,andexplainthereasonofmyhavingexpectedthisinvain。Youhadbettercomeearlieranothertime,becausewearegenerallyoutbyone。 WewerelastnightatLadyMiddleton’s,wheretherewasadance。 Ihavebeentoldthatyouwereaskedtobeoftheparty。Butcoulditbeso?,Youmustbeverymuchalteredindeedsinceweparted,ifthatcouldbethecase,andyounotthere。ButIwillnotsupposethispossible,andIhopeverysoontoreceiveyourpersonalassuranceofitsbeingotherwise。 “M。D。” Thecontentsofherlastnotetohimwerethese:—— “WhatamItoimagine,Willoughby,byyourbehaviourlastnight?,AgainIdemandanexplanationofit。Iwaspreparedtomeetyouwiththepleasurewhichourseparationnaturallyproduced,withthefamiliaritywhichourintimacyatBartonappearedtometojustify。Iwasrepulsedindeed! Ihavepassedawretchednightinendeavouringtoexcuseaconductwhichcanscarcelybecalledlessthaninsulting;butthoughIhavenotyetbeenabletoformanyreasonableapologyforyourbehaviour,Iamperfectlyreadytohearyourjustificationofit。Youhaveperhapsbeenmisinformed,orpurposelydeceived,insomethingconcerningme,whichmayhaveloweredmeinyouropinion。Tellmewhatitis,explainthegroundsonwhichyouacted,andIshallbesatisfied,inbeingabletosatisfyyou。 Itwouldgrievemeindeedtobeobligedtothinkillofyou;butifIamtodoit,ifIamtolearnthatyouarenotwhatwehavehithertobelievedyou,thatyourregardforusallwasinsincere,thatyourbehaviourtomewasintendedonlytodeceive,letitbetoldassoonaspossible。Myfeelingsareatpresentinastateofdreadfulindecision; Iwishtoacquityou,butcertaintyoneithersidewillbeeasetowhatInowsuffer。Ifyoursentimentsarenolongerwhattheywere,youwillreturnmynotes,andthelockofmyhairwhichisinyourpossession。 “M。D。” Thatsuchletters,sofullofaffectionandconfidence,couldhavebeensoanswered,Elinor,forWilloughby’ssake,wouldhavebeenunwillingtobelieve。Buthercondemnationofhimdidnotblindhertotheimproprietyoftheirhavingbeenwrittenatall;andshewassilentlygrievingovertheimprudencewhichhadhazardedsuchunsolicitedproofsoftenderness,notwarrantedbyanythingpreceding,andmostseverelycondemnedbytheevent,whenMarianne,perceivingthatshehadfinishedtheletters,observedtoherthattheycontainednothingbutwhatanyonewouldhavewritteninthesamesituation。 “Ifeltmyself,“sheadded,“tobeassolemnlyengagedtohim,asifthestrictestlegalcovenanthadboundustoeachother。” “Icanbelieveit,“saidElinor;“butunfortunatelyhedidnotfeelthesame。” “HeDIDfeelthesame,Elinor——forweeksandweekshefeltit。Iknowhedid。Whatevermayhavechangedhimnow,(andnothingbuttheblackestartemployedagainstmecanhavedoneit),Iwasonceasdeartohimasmyownsoulcouldwish。 Thislockofhair,whichnowhecansoreadilygiveup,wasbeggedofmewiththemostearnestsupplication。 Hadyouseenhislook,hismanner,hadyouheardhisvoiceatthatmoment!,HaveyouforgotthelasteveningofourbeingtogetheratBarton?,Themorningthatwepartedtoo!,Whenhetoldmethatitmightbemanyweeksbeforewemetagain——hisdistress——canIeverforgethisdistress?” Foramomentortwoshecouldsaynomore; butwhenthisemotionhadpassedaway,sheadded,inafirmertone,“Elinor,Ihavebeencruellyused;butnotbyWilloughby。” “DearestMarianne,whobuthimself?,Bywhomcanhehavebeeninstigated?” “Byalltheworld,ratherthanbyhisownheart。 Icouldratherbelieveeverycreatureofmyacquaintanceleaguedtogethertoruinmeinhisopinion,thanbelievehisnaturecapableofsuchcruelty。Thiswomanofwhomhewrites——whoevershebe——oranyone,inshort,butyourowndearself,mama,andEdward,mayhavebeensobarbaroustobelyme。Beyondyouthree,isthereacreatureintheworldwhomIwouldnotrathersuspectofevilthanWilloughby,whoseheartIknowsowell?” Elinorwouldnotcontend,andonlyreplied,“Whoevermayhavebeensodetestablyyourenemy,letthembecheatedoftheirmalignanttriumph,mydearsister,byseeinghownoblytheconsciousnessofyourowninnocenceandgoodintentionssupportsyourspirits。 Itisareasonableandlaudablepridewhichresistssuchmalevolence。” “No,no,“criedMarianne,“miserysuchasminehasnopride。IcarenotwhoknowsthatIamwretched。 Thetriumphofseeingmesomaybeopentoalltheworld。 Elinor,Elinor,theywhosufferlittlemaybeproudandindependentastheylike——mayresistinsult,orreturnmortification——butIcannot。Imustfeel——Imustbewretched——andtheyarewelcometoenjoytheconsciousnessofitthatcan。” “Butformymother’ssakeandmine——“ “Iwoulddomorethanformyown。ButtoappearhappywhenIamsomiserable——Oh!whocanrequireit?” Againtheywerebothsilent。Elinorwasemployedinwalkingthoughtfullyfromthefiretothewindow,fromthewindowtothefire,withoutknowingthatshereceivedwarmthfromone,ordiscerningobjectsthroughtheother;andMarianne,seatedatthefootofthebed,withherheadleaningagainstoneofitsposts,againtookupWilloughby’sletter,and,aftershudderingovereverysentence,exclaimed—— “Itistoomuch!Oh,Willoughby,Willoughby,couldthisbeyours!,Cruel,cruel——nothingcanacquityou。Elinor,nothingcan。Whateverhemighthaveheardagainstme—— oughthenottohavesuspendedhisbelief?oughthenottohavetoldmeofit,tohavegivenmethepowerofclearingmyself?’Thelockofhair,(repeatingitfromtheletter,) whichyousoobliginglybestowedonme’——Thatisunpardonable。 Willoughby,wherewasyourheartwhenyouwrotethosewords? Oh,barbarouslyinsolent!——Elinor,canhebejustified?” “No,Marianne,innopossibleway。” “Andyetthiswoman——whoknowswhatherartmayhavebeen?——howlongitmayhavebeenpremeditated,andhowdeeplycontrivedbyher!——Whoisshe?——Whocanshebe?——WhomdidIeverhearhimtalkofasyoungandattractiveamonghisfemaleacquaintance?——Oh!noone,noone——hetalkedtomeonlyofmyself。” Anotherpauseensued;Mariannewasgreatlyagitated,anditendedthus。 “Elinor,Imustgohome。Imustgoandcomfortmama。 Cannotwebegoneto-morrow?” “To-morrow,Marianne!” “Yes,whyshouldIstayhere?IcameonlyforWilloughby’ssake——andnowwhocaresforme?Whoregardsme?” “Itwouldbeimpossibletogoto-morrow。WeoweMrs。Jenningsmuchmorethancivility;andcivilityofthecommonestkindmustpreventsuchahastyremovalasthat。” “Wellthen,anotherdayortwo,perhaps;butIcannotstayherelong,Icannotstaytoendurethequestionsandremarksofallthesepeople。TheMiddletonsandPalmers——howamItobeartheirpity?,ThepityofsuchawomanasLadyMiddleton!,Oh,whatwouldHEsaytothat!” Elinoradvisedhertoliedownagain,andforamomentshedidso;butnoattitudecouldgiveherease; andinrestlesspainofmindandbodyshemovedfromoneposturetoanother,tillgrowingmoreandmorehysterical,hersistercouldwithdifficultykeepheronthebedatall,andforsometimewasfearfulofbeingconstrainedtocallforassistance。Somelavenderdrops,however,whichshewasatlengthpersuadedtotake,wereofuse;andfromthattimetillMrs。Jenningsreturned,shecontinuedonthebedquietandmotionless。 chapter30 CHAPTER30 Mrs。Jenningscameimmediatelytotheirroomonherreturn,andwithoutwaitingtohaveherrequestofadmittanceanswered,openedthedoorandwalkedinwithalookofrealconcern。 “Howdoyoudomydear?”——saidsheinavoiceofgreatcompassiontoMarianne,whoturnedawayherfacewithoutattemptingtoanswer。 “Howisshe,MissDashwood?——Poorthing!shelooksverybad—— Nowonder。Ay,itisbuttootrue。Heistobemarriedverysoon——agood-for-nothingfellow!,Ihavenopatiencewithhim。Mrs。Taylortoldmeofithalfanhourago,andshewastolditbyaparticularfriendofMissGreyherself,elseIamsureIshouldnothavebelievedit; andIwasalmostreadytosinkasitwas。Well,saidI,allIcansayis,thatifthisbetrue,hehasusedayoungladyofmyacquaintanceabominablyill,andI wishwithallmysoulhiswifemayplaguehisheartout。 AndsoIshallalwayssay,mydear,youmaydependonit。 Ihavenonotionofmen’sgoingoninthisway;andifeverImeethimagain,Iwillgivehimsuchadressingashehasnothadthismanyaday。Butthereisonecomfort,mydearMissMarianne;heisnottheonlyyoungmanintheworldworthhaving;andwithyourprettyfaceyouwillneverwantadmirers。Well,poorthing!,Iwon’tdisturbheranylonger,forshehadbetterhavehercryoutatonceandhavedonewith。TheParrysandSandersonsluckilyarecomingtonightyouknow,andthatwillamuseher。” Shethenwentaway,walkingontiptoeoutoftheroom,asifshesupposedheryoungfriend’safflictioncouldbeincreasedbynoise。 Marianne,tothesurpriseofhersister,determinedondiningwiththem。Elinorevenadvisedheragainstit。But“no,shewouldgodown;shecouldbearitverywell,andthebustleaboutherwouldbeless。”,Elinor,pleasedtohavehergovernedforamomentbysuchamotive,thoughbelievingithardlypossiblethatshecouldsitoutthedinner,saidnomore; andadjustingherdressforheraswellasshecould,whileMariannestillremainedonthebed,wasreadytoassistherintothediningroomassoonastheyweresummonedtoit。 Whenthere,thoughlookingmostwretchedly,sheatemoreandwascalmerthanhersisterhadexpected。 Hadshetriedtospeak,orhadshebeenconsciousofhalfMrs。Jennings’swell-meantbutill-judgedattentionstoher,thiscalmnesscouldnothavebeenmaintained; butnotasyllableescapedherlips;andtheabstractionofherthoughtspreservedherinignoranceofeverythingthatwaspassingbeforeher。 Elinor,whodidjusticetoMrs。Jennings’skindness,thoughitseffusionswereoftendistressing,andsometimesalmostridiculous,madeherthoseacknowledgments,andreturnedherthosecivilities,whichhersistercouldnotmakeorreturnforherself。TheirgoodfriendsawthatMariannewasunhappy,andfeltthateverythingwasduetoherwhichmightmakeheratalllessso。