“Hope！，Mortimer，youknownomorewhatyouaretalkingaboutthanthechildunborn。Ifyouwould——，AsIlive，thedirectionssaygiveoneteaspoonfulonceanhour！，Onceanhour！——asifwehadawholeyearbeforeustosavethechildin！，Mortimer，pleasehurry。Givethepoorperishingthingatablespoonful，andtrytobequick！”
“Why，mydear，atablespoonfulmight——“
“Don’tdrivemefrantic！，……There，there，there，myprecious，myown;it’snastybitterstuff，butit’sgoodforNelly——goodformother’spreciousdarling;anditwillmakeherwell。There，there，there，putthelittleheadonmamma’sbreastandgotosleep，andprettysoon——oh，Iknowshecan’tlivetillmorning！，Mortimer，atablespoonfuleveryhalf-hourwill——Oh，thechildneedsbelladonna，too;Iknowshedoes——andaconite。Getthem，Mortimer。Nowdoletmehavemyway。Youknownothingaboutthesethings。”
Wenowwenttobed，placingthecribclosetomywife’spillow。Allthisturmoilhadwornuponme，andwithintwominutesIwassomethingmorethanhalfasleep。Mrs。McWilliamsrousedme：
“Darling，isthatregisterturnedon？”
“No。”
“Ithoughtasmuch。Pleaseturnitonatonce。Thisroomiscold。”
Iturnediton，andpresentlyfellasleepagain。Iwasarousedoncemore：
“Dearie，wouldyoumindmovingthecribtoyoursideofthebed？，Itisnearertheregister。”
Imovedit，buthadacollisionwiththerugandwokeupthechild。I
dozedoffoncemore，whilemywifequietedthesufferer。Butinalittlewhilethesewordscamemurmuringremotelythroughthefogofmydrowsiness：
“Mortimer，ifweonlyhadsomegoosegrease——willyouring？”
Iclimbeddreamilyout，andsteppedonacat，whichrespondedwithaprotestandwouldhavegotaconvincingkickforitifachairhadnotgotitinstead。
“Now，Mortimer，whydoyouwanttoturnupthegasandwakeupthechildagain？”
“BecauseIwanttoseehowmuchIamhurt，Caroline。”
“Well，lookatthechair，too——Ihavenodoubtitisruined。Poorcat，supposeyouhad——“
“NowIamnotgoingtosupposeanythingaboutthecat。ItneverwouldhaveoccurredifMariahadbeenallowedtoremainhereandattendtotheseduties，whichareinherlineandarenotinmine。”
“Now，Mortimer，Ishouldthinkyouwouldbeashamedtomakearemarklikethat。ItisapityifyoucannotdothefewlittlethingsIaskofyouatsuchanawfultimeasthiswhenourchild——“
“There，there，Iwilldoanythingyouwant。ButIcan’traiseanybodywiththisbell。They’reallgonetobed。Whereisthegoosegrease？”
“Onthemantelpieceinthenursery。Ifyou’llstepthereandspeaktoMaria——“
Ifetchedthegoosegreaseandwenttosleepagain。OncemoreIwascalled：
“Mortimer，Isohatetodisturbyou，buttheroomisstilltoocoldformetotrytoapplythisstuff。Wouldyoumindlightingthefire？，Itisallreadytotouchamatchto。”
Idraggedmyselfoutandlitthefire，andthensatdowndisconsolate。
“Mortimer，don’tsitthereandcatchyourdeathofcold。Cometobed。”
AsIwassteppinginshesaid：
“Butwaitamoment。Pleasegivethechildsomemoreofthemedicine。”
WhichIdid。Itwasamedicinewhichmadeachildmoreorlesslively;
somywifemadeuseofitswakingintervaltostripitandgreaseitalloverwiththegooseoil。Iwassoonasleeponcemore，butoncemoreI
hadtogetup。
“Mortimer，Ifeeladraft。Ifeelitdistinctly。Thereisnothingsobadforthisdiseaseasadraft。Pleasemovethecribinfrontofthefire。”
Ididit;andcollidedwiththerugagain，whichIthrewinthefire。
Mrs。McWilliamssprangoutofbedandrescueditandwehadsomewords。
Ihadanothertriflingintervalofsleep，andthengotup，byrequest，andconstructedaflax-seedpoultice。Thiswasplaceduponthechild’sbreastandlefttheretodoitshealingwork。
Awood-fireisnotapermanentthing。Igotupeverytwentyminutesandrenewedours，andthisgaveMrs。McWilliamstheopportunitytoshortenthetimesofgivingthemedicinesbytenminutes，whichwasagreatsatisfactiontoher。Nowandthen，betweentimes，Ireorganizedtheflax-seedpoultices，andappliedsinapismsandothersortsofblisterswhereunoccupiedplacescouldbefounduponthechild。Well，towardmorningthewoodgaveoutandmywifewantedmetogodowncellarandgetsomemore。Isaid：
“Mydear，itisalaboriousjob，andthechildmustbenearlywarmenough，withherextraclothing。Nowmightn’tweputonanotherlayerofpoulticesand——“
Ididnotfinish，becauseIwasinterrupted。Iluggedwoodupfrombelowforsomelittletime，andthenturnedinandfelltosnoringasonlyamancanwhosestrengthisallgoneandwhosesouliswornout。JustatbroaddaylightIfeltagriponmyshoulderthatbroughtmetomysensessuddenly。Mywifewasglaringdownuponmeandgasping。Assoonasshecouldcommandhertongueshesaid：
“Itisallover！，Allover！，Thechild’sperspiring！，Whatshallwedo？”
“Mercy，howyouterrifyme！，Idon’tknowwhatweoughttodo。Maybeifwescrapedherandputherinthedraftagain——“
“Oh，idiot！，Thereisnotamomenttolose！，Goforthedoctor。
Goyourself。Tellhimhemustcome，deadoralive。”
Idraggedthatpoorsickmanfromhisbedandbroughthim。Helookedatthechildandsaidshewasnotdying。Thiswasjoyunspeakabletome，butitmademywifeasmadasifhehadofferedherapersonalaffront。
Thenhesaidthechild’scoughwasonlycausedbysometriflingirritationorotherinthethroat。AtthisIthoughtmywifehadamindtoshowhimthedoor。Nowthedoctorsaidhewouldmakethechildcoughharderanddislodgethetrouble。Sohegavehersomethingthatsentherintoaspasmofcoughing，andpresentlyupcamealittlewoodsplinterorso。
“Thischildhasnomembranouscroup，“saidhe。”Shehasbeenchewingabitofpineshingleorsomethingofthekind，andgotsomelittlesliversinherthroat。Theywon’tdoheranyhurt。”
“No，“saidI，“Icanwellbelievethat。Indeed，theturpentinethatisinthemisverygoodforcertainsortsofdiseasesthatarepeculiartochildren。Mywifewilltellyouso。”
Butshedidnot。Sheturnedawayindisdainandlefttheroom;andsincethattimethereisoneepisodeinourlifewhichweneverreferto。
Hencethetideofourdaysflowsbyindeepanduntroubledserenity。
[VeryfewmarriedmenhavesuchanexperienceasMcWilliams’s，andsotheauthorofthisbookthoughtthatmaybethenoveltyofitwouldgiveitapassinginteresttothereader。]
MYFIRSTLITERARYVENTURE
Iwasaverysmartchildattheageofthirteen——anunusuallysmartchild，Ithoughtatthetime。ItwasthenthatIdidmyfirstnewspaperscribbling，andmostunexpectedlytomeitstirredupafinesensationinthecommunity。Itdid，indeed，andIwasveryproudofit，too。Iwasaprinter’s“devil，“andaprogressiveandaspiringone。Myunclehadmeonhispaper(theWeeklyHannibaljournal，twodollarsayearinadvance——fivehundredsubscribers，andtheypaidincordwood，cabbages，andunmarketableturnips)，andonaluckysummer’sdayhelefttowntobegoneaweek，andaskedmeifIthoughtIcouldeditoneissueofthepaperjudiciously。Ah！didn’tIwanttotry！，Higginswastheeditorontherivalpaper。Hehadlatelybeenjilted，andonenightafriendfoundanopennoteonthepoorfellow’sbed，inwhichhestatedthathecouldnotlongerendurelifeandhaddrownedhimselfinBearCreek。ThefriendrandownthereanddiscoveredHigginswadingbacktoshore。Hehadconcludedhewouldn’t。Thevillagewasfullofitforseveraldays，butHigginsdidnotsuspectit。Ithoughtthiswasafineopportunity。
Iwroteanelaboratelywretchedaccountofthewholematter，andthenillustrateditwithvillainouscutsengravedonthebottomsofwoodentypewithajackknife——oneofthemapictureofHigginswadingoutintothecreekinhisshirt，withalantern，soundingthedepthofthewaterwithawalking-stick。Ithoughtitwasdesperatelyfunny，andwasdenselyunconsciousthattherewasanymoralobliquityaboutsuchapublication。BeingsatisfiedwiththiseffortIlookedaroundforotherworldstoconquer，anditstruckmethatitwouldmakegood，interestingmattertochargetheeditorofaneighboringcountrypaperwithapieceofgratuitousrascalityand“seehimsquirm。”
Ididit，puttingthearticleintotheformofaparodyonthe“BurialofSirJohnMoore“——andaprettycrudeparodyitwas，too。
ThenIlampoonedtwoprominentcitizensoutrageously——notbecausetheyhaddoneanythingtodeserve，butmerelybecauseIthoughtitwasmydutytomakethepaperlively。
NextIgentlytoucheduptheneweststranger——thelionoftheday，thegorgeousjourneymantailorfromQuincy。Hewasasimperingcoxcombofthefirstwater，andthe“loudest“dressedmaninthestate。Hewasaninveteratewoman-killer。Everyweekhewrotelushy“poetry“forthejournal，abouthisnewestconquest。Hisrhymesformyweekwereheaded，“ToMARYINH——l，“meaningtoMaryinHannibal，ofcourse。ButwhilesettingupthepieceIwassuddenlyrivenfromheadtoheelbywhatI
regardedasaperfectthunderboltofhumor，andIcompresseditintoasnappyfootnoteatthebottom——thus：“Wewillletthisthingpass，justthisonce;butwewishMr。J。GordonRunnelstounderstanddistinctlythatwehaveacharactertosustain，andfromthistimeforthwhenhewantstocommunewithhisfriendsinh——l，hemustselectsomeothermediumthanthecolumnsofthisjournal！”
Thepapercameout，andIneverknewanylittlethingattractsomuchattentionasthoseplayfultriflesofmine。
ForoncetheHannibalJournalwasindemand——anoveltyithadnotexperiencedbefore。Thewholetownwasstirred。Higginsdroppedinwithadouble-barreledshotgunearlyintheforenoon。Whenhefoundthatitwasaninfant(ashecalledme)thathaddonehimthedamage，hesimplypulledmyearsandwentaway;buthethrewuphissituationthatnightandlefttownforgood。Thetailorcamewithhisgooseandapairofshears;buthedespisedme，too，anddepartedfortheSouththatnight。
Thetwolampoonedcitizenscamewiththreatsoflibel，andwentawayincensedatmyinsignificance。Thecountryeditorprancedinwithawar-
whoopnextday，sufferingforbloodtodrink;butheendedbyforgivingmecordiallyandinvitingmedowntothedrugstoretowashawayallanimosityinafriendlybumperof“Fahnestock’sVermifuge。”，Itwashislittlejoke。Myunclewasveryangrywhenhegotback——unreasonablyso，Ithought，consideringwhatanimpetusIhadgiventhepaper，andconsideringalsothatgratitudeforhispreservationoughttohavebeenuppermostinhismind，inasmuchasbyhisdelayhehadsowonderfullyescapeddissection，tomahawking，libel，andgettinghisheadshotoff。
ButhesoftenedwhenhelookedattheaccountsandsawthatIhadactuallybookedtheunparallelednumberofthirty-threenewsubscribers，andhadthevegetablestoshowforit，cordwood，cabbage，beans，andunsalableturnipsenoughtorunthefamilyfortwodears！
HOWTHEAUTHORWASSOLDINNEWARK——[Writtenabout1869。]
Itisseldompleasanttotellononeself，butsometimesitisasortofrelieftoamantomakeaconfession。Iwishtounburdenmymindnow，andyetIalmostbelievethatIammovedtodoitmorebecauseIlongtobringcensureuponanothermanthanbecauseIdesiretopourbalmuponmywoundedheart。(Idon’tknowwhatbalmis，butIbelieveitisthecorrectexpressiontouseinthisconnection——neverhavingseenanybalm。)YoumayrememberthatIlecturedinNewarklatelyfortheyounggentlemenofthe——Society？，Ididatanyrate。DuringtheafternoonofthatdayIwastalkingwithoneoftheyounggentlemenjustreferredto，andhesaidhehadanunclewho，fromsomecauseorother，seemedtohavegrownpermanentlybereftofallemotion。Andwithtearsinhiseyes，thisyoungmansaid，“Oh，ifIcouldonlyseehimlaughoncemore！
Oh，ifIcouldonlyseehimweep！”Iwastouched。Icouldneverwithstanddistress。
Isaid：“Bringhimtomylecture。I’llstarthimforyou。”
“Oh，ifyoucouldbutdoit！，Ifyoucouldbutdoit，allourfamilywouldblessyouforevermore——forheissoverydeartous。Oh，mybenefactor，canyoumakehimlaugh？canyoubringsoothingtearstothoseparchedorbs？”
Iwasprofoundlymoved。Isaid：“Myson，bringtheoldpartyround。
Ihavegotsomejokesinthatlecturethatwillmakehimlaughifthereisanylaughinhim;andiftheymissfire，Ihavegotsomeothersthatwillmakehimcryorkillhim，oneortheother。”，Thentheyoungmanblessedme，andweptonmyneck，andwentafterhisuncle。Heplacedhiminfullview，inthesecondrowofbenches，thatnight，andIbeganonhim。Itriedhimwithmildjokes，thenwithsevereones;Idosedhimwithbadjokesandriddledhimwithgoodones;Ifiredoldstalejokesintohim，andpepperedhimforeandaftwithred-hotnewones;Iwarmeduptomywork，andassaultedhimontherightandleft，infrontandbehind;IfumedandsweatedandchargedandrantedtillIwashoarseandsickandfranticandfurious;butInevermovedhimonce——Ineverstartedasmileoratear！，Neveraghostofasmile，andneverasuspicionofmoisture！，Iwasastounded。Iclosedthelectureatlastwithonedespairingshriek——withonewildburstofhumor，andhurledajokeofsupernaturalatrocityfullathim！
ThenIsatdownbewilderedandexhausted。
Thepresidentofthesocietycameupandbathedmyheadwithcoldwater，andsaid：“Whatmadeyoucarryonsotowardthelast？”
Isaid：“Iwastryingtomakethatconfoundedoldfoollaugh，inthesecondrow。”
Andhesaid：“Well，youwerewastingyourtime，becauseheisdeafanddumb，andasblindasabadger！”
Now，wasthatanywayforthatoldman’snephewtoimposeonastrangerandorphanlikeme？，Iaskyouasamanandbrother，ifthatwasanywayforhimtodo？
THEOFFICEBORE——[Writtenabout1869]
Hearrivesjustasregularlyastheclockstrikesnineinthemorning。
Andsoheevenbeatstheeditorsometimes，andtheportermustleavehisworkandclimbtwoorthreepairsofstairstounlockthe“Sanctum“doorandlethimin。Helightsoneoftheofficepipes——notreflecting，perhaps，thattheeditormaybeoneofthose“stuck-up“peoplewhowouldassoonhaveastrangerdefilehistooth-brushashispipe-stem。Thenhebeginstololl——forapersonwhocanconsenttoloafhisuselesslifeawayinignominiousindolencehasnottheenergytositupstraight。
Hestretchesfulllengthonthesofaawhile;thendrawsuptohalflength;thengetsintoachair，hangshisheadbackandhisarmsabroad，andstretcheshislegstilltherimsofhisboot-heelsrestuponthefloor;byandbysitsupandleansforward，withonelegorbothoverthearmofthechair。Butitisstillobservablethatwithallhischangesofposition，heneverassumestheuprightorafraudfulaffectationofdignity。Fromtimetotimeheyawns，andstretches，andscratcheshimselfwithatranquil，mangyenjoyment，andnowandthenhegruntsakindofstuffy，overfedgrunt，whichisfullofanimalcontentment。Atrareandlongintervals，however，hesighsasighthatistheeloquentexpressionofasecretconfession，towit“Iamuselessandanuisance，acumbereroftheearth。”，Theboreandhiscomrades——forthereareusuallyfromtwotofouronhand，dayandnight——mixintotheconversationwhenmencomeintoseetheeditorsforamomentonbusiness;theyholdnoisytalksamongthemselvesaboutpoliticsinparticular，andallothersubjectsingeneral——evenwarmingup，afterafashion，sometimes，andseemingtotakealmostarealinterestinwhattheyarediscussing。Theyruthlesslycallaneditorfromhisworkwithsucharemarkas：“Didyouseethis，Smith，intheGazette？”andproceedtoreadtheparagraphwhilethesuffererreinsinhisimpatientpenandlistens;theyoftenlollandsprawlroundtheofficehourafterhour，swappinganecdotesandrelatingpersonalexperiencestoeachother——
hairbreadthescapes，socialencounterswithdistinguishedmen，electionreminiscences，sketchesofoddcharacters，etc。Andthroughallthosehourstheyneverseemtocomprehendthattheyarerobbingtheeditorsoftheirtime，andthepublicofjournalisticexcellenceinnextday’spaper。Atothertimestheydrowse，ordreamilyporeoverexchanges，ordrooplimpandpensiveoverthechair-armsforanhour。Eventhissolemnsilenceissmallrespitetotheeditor，forthenextuncomfortablethingtohavingpeoplelookoverhisshoulders，perhaps，istohavethemsitbyinsilenceandlistentothescratchingofhispen。Ifabodydesirestotalkprivatebusinesswithoneoftheeditors，hemustcallhimoutside，fornohintmilderthanblasting-powderornitroglycerinwouldbelikelytomovetheboresoutoflistening-distance。Tohavetositandendurethepresenceofaboredayafterday;tofeelyourcheerfulspiritsbegintosinkashisfootstepsoundsonthestair，andutterlyvanishawayashistiresomeformentersthedoor;tosufferthroughhisanecdotesanddieslowlytohisreminiscences;tofeelalwaysthefettersofhiscloggingpresence;tolonghopelesslyforonesingleday’sprivacy;tonotewithashudder，byandby，thattocontemplatehisfuneralinfancyhasceasedtosoothe，toimaginehimundergoinginstrictandfearfuldetailthetorturesoftheancientInquisitionhaslostitspowertosatisfytheheart，andthateventowishhimmillionsandmillionsandmillionsofmilesinTophetisabletobringonlyafitfulgleamofjoy;
tohavetoendureallthis，dayafterday，andweekafterweek，andmonthaftermonth，isanafflictionthattranscendsanyotherthatmensuffer。
Physicalpainispastimetoit，andhangingapleasureexcursion。
JOHNNYGREER
“ThechurchwasdenselycrowdedthatlovelysummerSabbath，“saidtheSunday-schoolsuperintendent，“andall，astheireyesresteduponthesmallcoffin，seemedimpressedbythepoorblackboy’sfate。Abovethestillnessthepastor’svoicerose，andchainedtheinterestofeveryearashetold，withmanyanenviedcompliment，howthatthebrave，noble，daringlittleJohnnyGreer，whenhesawthedrownedbodysweepingdowntowardthedeeppartoftheriverwhencetheagonizedparentsnevercouldhaverecovereditinthisworld，gallantlysprangintothestream，and，attheriskofhislife，towedthecorpsetoshore，andhelditfasttillhelpcameandsecuredit。JohnnyGreerwassittingjustinfrontofme。
Araggedstreet-boy，witheagereye，turneduponhiminstantly，andsaidinahoarsewhisper，“’No;butdidyou，though？’
“’Yes。’
“’Towedthecarkissashoreandsavedityo’self？’
“’Yes。’
“’Cracky！，Whatdidtheygiveyou？’
“’Nothing。’
“’W-h-a-t[withintensedisgust]！，D’youknowwhatI’d’a’done？，I’d’a’
anchoredhimoutinthestream，andsaid，Fivedollars，gents，oryoucarn’thaveyo’nigger。’“
THEFACTSINTHECASEOFTHEGREATBEEFCONTRACT——[Writtenabout1867。]
InasfewwordsaspossibleIwishtolaybeforethenationwhat’shere，howsoeversmall，Ihavehadinthismatter——thismatterwhichhassoexercisedthepublicmind，engenderedsomuchill-feeling，andsofilledthenewspapersofbothcontinentswithdistortedstatementsandextravagantcomments。
Theoriginofthisdistressfulthingwasthis——andIassertherethateveryfactinthefollowingresumecanbeamplyprovedbytheofficialrecordsoftheGeneralGovernment。
JohnWilsonMackenzie，ofRotterdam，ChemungCounty，NewJersey，deceased，contractedwiththeGeneralGovernment，onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober，1861，tofurnishtoGeneralShermanthesumtotalofthirtybarrelsofbeef。
Verywell。
HestartedafterShermanwiththebeef，butwhenhegottoWashingtonShermanhadgonetoManassas;sohetookthebeefandfollowedhimthere，butarrivedtoolate;hefollowedhimtoNashville，andfromNashvilletoChattanooga，andfromChattanoogatoAtlanta——buthenevercouldovertakehim。AtAtlantahetookafreshstartandfollowedhimclearthroughhismarchtothesea。Hearrivedtoolateagainbyafewdays;buthearingthatShermanwasgoingoutintheQuakerCityexcursiontotheHolyLand，hetookshippingforBeirut，calculatingtoheadofftheothervessel。
WhenhearrivedinJerusalemwithhisbeef，helearnedthatShermanhadnotsailedintheQuakerCity，buthadgonetothePlainstofighttheIndians。HereturnedtoAmericaandstartedfortheRockyMountains。
Aftersixty-eightdaysofarduoustravelonthePlains，andwhenhehadgotwithinfourmilesofSherman’sheadquarters，hewastomahawkedandscalped，andtheIndiansgotthebeef。Theygotallofitbutonebarrel。Sherman’sarmycapturedthat，andso，evenindeath，theboldnavigatorpartlyfulfilledhiscontract。Inhiswill，whichhehadkeptlikeajournal，hebequeathedthecontracttohissonBartholomewW。
BartholomewW。madeoutthefollowingbill，andthendied：
THEUNITEDSTATES
InaccountwithJOHNWILSONMACKENZIE，ofNewJersey，deceased，……，Dr。
TothirtybarrelsofbeefforGeneralSherman，at$100，$3，000
Totravelingexpensesandtransportation……14，000
Total……$17，000
Rec’dPay’t。
Hediedthen;butheleftthecontracttoWm。J。Martin，whotriedtocollectit，butdiedbeforehegotthrough。HeleftittoBarkerJ。
Allen，andhetriedtocollectitalso。Hedidnotsurvive。BarkerJ。
AllenleftittoAnsonG。Rogers，whoattemptedtocollectit，andgotalongasfarastheNinthAuditor’sOffice，whenDeath，thegreatLeveler，cameallunsummoned，andforeclosedonhimalso。HeleftthebilltoarelativeofhisinConnecticut，VengeanceHopkinsbyname，wholastedfourweeksandtwodays，andmadethebesttimeonrecord，comingwithinoneofreachingtheTwelfthAuditor。Inhiswillhegavethecontractbilltohisuncle，bythenameofO-be-joyfulJohnson。Itwastoounderminingforjoyful。Hislastwordswere：“Weepnotforme——Iamwillingtogo。”，Andsohewas，poorsoul。Sevenpeopleinheritedthecontractafterthat;buttheyalldied。Soitcameintomyhandsatlast。Itfelltomethrougharelativebythenameof，Hubbard——
BethlehemHubbard，ofIndiana。Hehadhadagrudgeagainstmeforalongtime;butinhislastmomentshesentforme，andforgavemeeverything，and，weeping，gavemethebeefcontract。
ThisendsthehistoryofituptothetimethatIsucceededtotheproperty。Iwillnowendeavortosetmyselfstraightbeforethenationineverythingthatconcernsmyshareinthematter。Itookthisbeefcontract，andthebillformileageandtransportation，tothePresidentoftheUnitedStates。
Hesaid，“Well，sir，whatcanIdoforyou？”
Isaid，“Sire，onoraboutthel0thdayofOctober，1861，JohnWilsonMackenzie，ofRotterdam，ChemungCounty，NewJersey，deceased，contractedwiththeGeneralGovernmenttofurnishtoGeneralShermanthesumtotalofthirtybarrelsofbeef——“
Hestoppedmethere，anddismissedmefromhipresence——kindly，butfirmly。ThenextdaycalledontheSecretaryofState。
Hesaid，“Well，sir？”
Isaid，“YourRoyalHighness：onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober，1861，JohnWilsonMackenzieofRotterdam，ChemungCounty，NewJersey，deceased，contractedwiththeGeneralGovernmenttofurnishtoGeneralShermanthesumtotalofthirtybarrelsofbeef——“
“Thatwilldo，sir——thatwilldo;thisofficehasnothingtodowithcontractsforbeef。”
Iwasbowedout。Ithoughtthematteralloverandfinally，thefollowingday，IvisitedtheSecretaryoftheNavy，whosaid，“Speakquickly，sir;donotkeepmewaiting。”
Isaid，“YourRoyalHighness，onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober，1861，JohnWilsonMackenzieofRotterdam，ChemungCounty，NewJersey，deceased，contractedwiththeGeneralGovernmenttoGeneralShermanthesumtotalofthirtybarrelsofbeef——“
Well，itwasasfarasIcouldget。HehadnothingtodowithbeefcontractsforGeneralShermaneither。Ibegantothinkitwasacuriouskindofgovernment。Itlookedsomewhatasiftheywantedtogetoutofpayingforthatbeef。ThefollowingdayIwenttotheSecretaryoftheInterior。
Isaid，“YourImperialHighness，onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober——“
“Thatissufficient，sir。Ihaveheardofyoubefore。Go，takeyourinfamousbeefcontractoutofthisestablishment。TheInteriorDepartmenthasnothingwhatevertodowithsubsistenceforthearmy。”
Iwentaway。ButIwasexasperatednow。IsaidIwouldhauntthem;
Iwouldinfesteverydepartmentofthisiniquitousgovernmenttillthatcontractbusinesswassettled。Iwouldcollectthatbill，orfall，asfellmypredecessors，trying。IassailedthePostmaster-General;
IbesiegedtheAgriculturalDepartment;IwaylaidtheSpeakeroftheHouseofRepresentatives。Theyhadnothingtodowitharmycontractsforbeef。ImovedupontheCommissionerofthePatentOffice。
Isaid，“YourAugustExcellency，onorabout——“
“Perdition！haveyougotherewithyourincendiarybeefcontract，atlast？，Wehavenothingtodowithbeefcontractsforthearmy，mydearsir。”
“Oh，thatisallverywell——butsomebodyhasgottopayforthatbeef。
Ithasgottobepaidnow，too，orI’llconfiscatethisoldPatentOfficeandeverythinginit。”
“But，mydearsir——“
“Itdon’tmakeanydifference，sir。ThePatentOfficeisliableforthatbeef，Ireckon;and，liableornotliable，thePatentOfficehasgottopayforit。”
Nevermindthedetails。Itendedinafight。ThePatentOfficewon。
ButIfoundoutsomethingtomyadvantage。IwastoldthattheTreasuryDepartmentwastheproperplaceformetogoto。Iwentthere。Iwaitedtwohoursandahalf，andthenIwasadmittedtotheFirstLordoftheTreasury。
Isaid，“Mostnoble，grave，andreverendSignor，onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober，1861，JohnWilsonMacken——“
“Thatissufficient，sir。Ihaveheardofyou。GototheFirstAuditoroftheTreasury。”
Ididso。HesentmetotheSecondAuditor。TheSecondAuditorsentmetotheThird，andtheThirdsentmetotheFirstComptrolleroftheCorn-
BeefDivision。Thisbegantolooklikebusiness。Heexaminedhisbooksandallhisloosepapers，butfoundnominuteofthebeefcontract。I
wenttotheSecondComptrolleroftheCorn-BeefDivision。Heexaminedhisbooksandhisloosepapers，butwithnosuccess。Iwasencouraged。
DuringthatweekIgotasfarastheSixthComptrollerinthatdivision;
thenextweekIgotthroughtheClaimsDepartment;thethirdweekIbeganandcompletedtheMislaidContractsDepartment，andgotafootholdintheDeadReckoningDepartment。Ifinishedthatinthreedays。Therewasonlyoneplaceleftforitnow。IlaidsiegetotheCommissionerofOddsandEnds。Tohisclerk，rather——hewasnottherehimself。Thereweresixteenbeautifulyoungladiesintheroom，writinginbooks，andthereweresevenwell-favoredyoungclerksshowingthemhow。Theyoungwomensmiledupovertheirshoulders，andtheclerkssmiledbackatthem，andallwentmerryasamarriagebell。Twoorthreeclerksthatwerereadingthenewspaperslookedatmeratherhard，butwentonreading，andnobodysaidanything。However，IhadbeenusedtothiskindofalacrityfromFourthAssistantJuniorClerksallthroughmyeventfulcareer，fromtheverydayIenteredthefirstofficeoftheCorn-BeefBureaucleartillI
passedoutofthelastoneintheDeadReckoningDivision。IhadgotsoaccomplishedbythistimethatIcouldstandononefootfromthemomentIenteredanofficetillaclerkspoketome，withoutchangingmorethantwo，ormaybethree，times。
SoIstoodtheretillIhadchangedfourdifferenttimes。ThenIsaidtooneoftheclerkswhowasreading：
“IllustriousVagrant，whereistheGrandTurk？”
“Whatdoyoumean，sir？whomdoyoumean？，IfyoumeantheChiefoftheBureau，heisout。”
“Willhevisittheharemto-day？”
Theyoungmanglareduponmeawhile，andthenwentonreadinghispaper。
ButIknewthewaysofthoseclerks。IknewIwassafeifhegotthroughbeforeanotherNewYorkmailarrived。Heonlyhadtwomorepapersleft。
Afterawhilehefinishedthem，andthenheyawnedandaskedmewhatI
wanted。
“RenownedandhonoredImbecile：onorabout——“
“Youarethebeef-contractman。Givemeyourpapers。”
Hetookthem，andforalongtimeheransackedhisoddsandends。
FinallyhefoundtheNorthwestPassage，asIregardedit——hefoundthelonglostrecordofthatbeefcontract——hefoundtherockuponwhichsomanyofmyancestorshadsplitbeforetheyevergottoit。Iwasdeeplymoved。AndyetIrejoiced——forIhadsurvived。Isaidwithemotion，“Giveitme。Thegovernmentwillsettlenow。”，Hewavedmeback，andsaidtherewassomethingyettobedonefirst。
“WhereisthisJohnWilsonMackenzie？”saidhe。
“Dead。”
“Whendidhedie？”
“Hedidn’tdieatall——hewaskilled。”
“How？”
“Tomahawked。”
“Whotomahawkedhim？”
“Why，anIndian，ofcourse。Youdidn’tsupposeitwasthesuperintendentofaSunday-school，didyou？”
“No。AnIndian，wasit？”
“Thesame。”
“NameoftheIndian？”
“Hisname？，Idon’tknowhisname。”
“Musthavehisname。Whosawthetomahawkingdone？”
“Idon’tknow。”
“Youwerenotpresentyourself，then？”
“Whichyoucanseebymyhair。Iwasabsent。
“ThenhowdoyouknowthatMackenzieisdead？”
“Becausehecertainlydiedatthattime，andhaveeveryreasontobelievethathehasbeendeadeversince。Iknowhehas，infact。”
“Wemusthaveproofs。HaveyougotthisIndian？”
“Ofcoursenot。”
“Well，youmustgethim。Haveyougotthetomahawk？”
“Ineverthoughtofsuchathing。”
“Youmustgetthetomahawk。YoumustproducetheIndianandthetomahawk。IfMackenzie’sdeathcanbeprovenbythese，youcanthengobeforethecommissionappointedtoauditclaimswithsomeshowofgettingyourbillundersuchheadwaythatyourchildrenmaypossiblylivetoreceivethemoneyandenjoyit。Butthatman’sdeathmustbeproven。
However，ImayaswelltellyouthatthegovernmentwillneverpaythattransportationandthosetravelingexpensesofthelamentedMackenzie。
ItmaypossiblypayforthebarrelofbeefthatSherman’ssoldierscaptured，ifyoucangetareliefbillthroughCongressmakinganappropriationforthatpurpose;butitwillnotpayforthetwenty-ninebarrelstheIndiansate。”
“Thenthereisonlyahundreddollarsdueme，andthatisn’tcertain！
AfterallMackenzie’stravelsinEurope，Asia，andAmericawiththatbeef;afterallhistrialsandtribulationsandtransportation;aftertheslaughterofallthoseinnocentsthattriedtocollectthatbill！，Youngman，whydidn’ttheFirstComptrolleroftheCorn-BeefDivisiontellmethis？”
“Hedidn’tknowanythingaboutthegenuinenessofyourclaim。”
“Whydidn’ttheSecondtellme？whydidn’tthe，Third？whydidn’tallthosedivisionsanddepartmentstellme？”
“Noneofthemknew。Wedothingsbyroutinehere。Youhavefollowedtheroutineandfoundoutwhatyouwantedtoknow。Itisthebestway。
Itistheonlyway。Itisveryregular，andveryslow，butitisverycertain。”
“Yes，certaindeath。Ithasbeen，tothemostofourtribe。IbegintofeelthatI，too，amcalled。
Youngman，youlovethebrightcreatureyonderwiththegentleblueeyesandthesteelpensbehindherears——Iseeitinyoursoftglances;youwishtomarryher——butyouarepoor。Here，holdoutyourhand——hereisthebeefcontract;go，takeherandbehappyHeavenblessyou，mychildren！”
ThisisallIknowaboutthegreatbeefcontractthathascreatedsomuchtalkinthecommunity。TheclerktowhomIbequeatheditdied。Iknownothingfurtheraboutthecontract，oranyoneconnectedwithit。IonlyknowthatifamanliveslongenoughhecantraceathingthroughtheCircumlocutionOfficeofWashingtonandfindout，aftermuchlaborandtroubleanddelay，thatwhichhecouldhavefoundoutonthefirstdayifthebusinessoftheCircumlocutionOfficewereasingeniouslysystematizedasitwouldbeifitwereagreatprivatemercantileinstitution。
THECASEOFGEORGEFISHER——
[Someyearsago，about1867，whenthiswasfirstpublished，fewpeoplebelievedit，butconsidereditamereextravaganza。Intheselatterdaysitseemshardtorealizethattherewaseveratimewhentherobbingofourgovernmentwasanovelty。TheverymanwhoshowedmewheretofindthedocumentsforthiscasewasatthatverytimespendinghundredsofthousandsofdollarsinWashingtonforamailsteamshipconcern，intheefforttoprocureasubsidyforthecompany-afactwhichwasalongtimeincomingtothesurface，butleakedoutatlastandunderwentCongressionalinvestigation。]
Thisishistory。Itisnotawildextravaganza，like“JohnWilsonMackenzie’sGreatBeefContract，“butisaplainstatementoffactsandcircumstanceswithwhichtheCongressoftheUnitedStateshasinteresteditselffromtimetotimeduringthelongperiodofhalfacentury。
IwillnotcallthismatterofGeorgeFisher’sagreatdeathlessandunrelentingswindleuponthegovernmentandpeopleoftheUnitedStates-
forithasneverbeensodecided，andIholdthatitisagraveandsolemnwrongforawritertocastslursorcallnameswhensuchisthecase——butwillsimplypresenttheevidenceandletthereaderdeducehisownverdict。Thenweshalldonobodyinjustice，andourconsciencesshallbeclear。
Onoraboutthe1stdayofSeptember，1813，theCreekwarbeingtheninprogressinFlorida，thecrops，herds，andhousesofMr。GeorgeFisher，acitizen，weredestroyed，eitherbytheIndiansorbytheUnitedStatestroopsinpursuitofthem。Bythetermsofthelaw，iftheIndiansdestroyedtheproperty，therewasnoreliefforFisher;butifthetroopsdestroyedit，theGovernmentoftheUnitedStateswasdebtortoFisherfortheamountinvolved。
GeorgeFishermusthaveconsideredthattheIndiansdestroyedtheproperty，because，althoughhelivedseveralyearsafterward，hedoesnotappeartohaveevermadeanyclaimuponthegovernment。
InthecourseoftimeFisherdied，andhiswidowmarriedagain。
Andbyandby，nearlytwentyyearsafterthatdimlyrememberedraiduponFisher’scorn-fields，thewidowFisher’snewhusbandpetitionedCongressforpayfortheproperty，andbackedupthepetitionwithmanydepositionsandaffidavitswhichpurportedtoprovethatthetroops，andnottheIndians，destroyedtheproperty;thatthetroops，forsomeinscrutablereason，deliberatelyburneddown“houses“(orcabins)valuedat$600，thesamebelongingtoapeaceableprivatecitizen，andalsodestroyedvariousotherpropertybelongingtothesamecitizen。ButCongressdeclinedtobelievethatthetroopsweresuchidiots(afterovertakingandscatteringabandofIndiansprovedtohavebeenfounddestroyingFisher’sproperty)astocalmlycontinuetheworkofdestructionthemselves;andmakeacompletejobofwhattheIndianshadonlycommenced。SoCongressdeniedthepetitionoftheheirsofGeorgeFisherin1832，anddidnotpaythemacent。
Wehearnomorefromthemofficiallyuntil1848，sixteenyearsaftertheirfirstattemptontheTreasury，andafullgenerationafterthedeathofthemanwhosefieldsweredestroyed。ThenewgenerationofFisherheirsthencameforwardandputinabillfordamages。TheSecondAuditorawardedthem$8，873，beinghalfthedamagesustainedbyFisher。
TheAuditorsaidthetestimonyshowedthatatleasthalfthedestructionwasdonebytheIndians“beforethetroopsstartedinpursuit，“andofcoursethegovernmentwasnotresponsibleforthathalf。
2。ThatwasinApril，1848。InDecember，1848，theheirsofGeorgeFisher，deceased，cameforwardandpleadedfora“revision“oftheirbillofdamages。Therevisionwasmade，butnothingnewcouldbefoundintheirfavorexceptanerrorof$100intheformercalculation。However，inordertokeepupthespiritsoftheFisherfamily，theAuditorconcludedtogobackandallowinterestfromthedateofthefirstpetition(1832)tothedatewhenthebillofdamageswasawarded。ThissenttheFishershomehappywithsixteenyears’intereston$8，873——thesameamountingto$8，997。94。Total，$17，870。94。
3。ForanentireyearthesufferingFisherfamilyremainedquiet——evensatisfied，afterafashion。Thentheyswoopeddownuponthegovernmentwiththeirwrongsoncemore。Thatoldpatriot，Attorney-GeneralToucey，burrowedthroughthemustypapersoftheFishersanddiscoveredonemorechanceforthedesolateorphans——interestonthatoriginalawardof$8，873fromdateofdestructionoftheproperty(1813)upto1832！
Result，$110，004。89fortheindigentFishers。Sonowwehave：First，$8，873damages;second，interestonitfrom1832to1848，$8997。94;
third，interestonitdatedbackto1813，$10，004。89。Total，$27，875。83！
Whatbetterinvestmentforagreat-grandchildthantogettheIndianstoburnacorn-fieldforhimsixtyorseventyyearsbeforehisbirth，andplausiblylayitonlunaticUnitedStatestroops？
4。Strangeasitmayseem，theFishersletCongressaloneforfiveyears——or，whatisperhapsmorelikely，failedtomakethemselvesheardbyCongressforthatlengthoftime。Butatlast，in1854，theygotahearing。TheypersuadedCongresstopassanactrequiringtheAuditortore-examinetheircase。ButthistimetheystumbleduponthemisfortuneofanhonestSecretaryoftheTreasury(Mr。JamesGuthrie)，andhespoiledeverything。HesaidinveryplainlanguagethattheFisherswerenotonlynotentitledtoanothercent，butthatthosechildrenofmanysorrowsandacquaintedwithgriefhadbeenpaidtoomuchalready。
5。Thereforeanotherintervalofrestandsilentensued-anintervalwhichlastedfouryears——viztill1858。The“rightmanintherightplace“wasthenSecretaryofWar——JohnB。Floyd，ofpeculiarrenown！
Herewasamasterintellect;herewastheverymantosuccorthesufferingheirsofdeadandforgottenFisher。TheycameupfromFloridawitharush——agreattidalwaveofFishersfreightedwiththesameoldmustydocumentsaboutthesameinimmortalcorn-fieldsoftheirancestor。
Theystraight-waygotanactpassedtransferringtheFishermatterfromthedullAuditortotheingeniousFloyd。WhatdidFloyddo？，Hesaid，“ITWASPROVEDthattheIndiansdestroyedeverythingtheycouldbeforethetroopsenteredinpursuit。”，Heconsidered，therefore，thatwhattheydestroyedmusthaveconsistedof“thehouseswithalltheircontents，andtheliquor“(themosttriflingpartofthedestruction，andsetdownatonly$3，200alltold)，andthatthegovernmenttroopsthendrovethemoffandcalmlyproceededtodestroy——
Twohundredandtwentyacresofcorninthefield，thirty-fiveacresofwheat，andninehundredandeighty-sixheadoflivestock！，[Whatasingularlyintelligentarmywehadinthosedays，accordingtoMr。Floyd——thoughnotaccordingtotheCongressof1832。]
SoMr。FloyddecidedthattheGovernmentwasnotresponsibleforthat$3，200worthofrubbishwhichtheIndiansdestroyed，butwasresponsibleforthepropertydestroyedbythetroops——whichpropertyconsistedof(I
quotefromtheprintedUnitedStatesSenatedocument)：
DollarsCornatBassett’sCreek，……3，000
Cattle，……5，000
Stockhogs，……1，050
Drovehogs，……1，204
Wheat，……350
Hides，……4，000
CornontheAlabamaRiver，……3，500
Total，……18，104
Thatsum，inhisreport，Mr。Floydcallsthe“fullvalueofthepropertydestroyedbythetroops。”
HeallowsthatsumtothestarvingFishers，TOGETHERWITHINTERESTFROM
1813。FromthisnewsumtotaltheamountsalreadypaidtotheFisherswerededucted，andthenthecheerfulremainder(afractionunderfortythousanddollars)washandedtothenandagaintheyretiredtoFloridainaconditionoftemporarytranquillity。Theirancestor’sfarmhadnowyieldedthemaltogethernearlysixty-seventhousanddollarsincash。
6。Doesthereadersupposethatthatwastheendofit？，DoeshesupposethosediffidentFisherswe：satisfied？，Lettheevidenceshow。TheFisherswerequietjusttwoyears。ThentheycameswarmingupoutofthefertileswampsofFloridawiththeirsameolddocuments，andbesiegedCongressoncemore。Congresscapitulatedonthe1stofJune，1860，andinstructedMr。Floydtooverhaulthosepapersagain，andpaythatbill。
ATreasuryclerkwasorderedtogothroughthosepapersandreporttoMr。
FloydwhatamountwasstillduethemaciatedFishers。Thisclerk(Icanproducehimwheneverheiswanted)discoveredwhatwasapparentlyaglaringandrecentforgeryinthepaper;wherebyawitness’stestimonyastothepriceofcorninFloridain1813wasmadetonamedoubletheamountwhichthatwitnesshadoriginallyspecifiedastheprice！，Theclerknotonlycalledhissuperior’sattentiontothisthing，butinmakinguphisbriefofthecasecalledparticularattentiontoitinwriting。ThatpartofthebriefnevergotbeforeCongress，norhasCongresseveryethadahintofforgeryexistingamongtheFisherpapers。
Nevertheless，onthebasisofthedoubleprices(andtotallyignoringtheclerk’sassertionthatthefiguresweremanifestlyandunquestionablyarecentforgery)，Mr。Floydremarksinhisnewreportthat“thetestimony，particularlyinregardtothecorncrops，DEMANDSAMUCHHIGHERALLOWANCE
thananyheretoforemadebytheAuditorormyself。”，Soheestimatesthecropatsixtybushelstotheacre(doublewhatFloridaacresproduce)，andthenvirtuouslyallowspayforonlyhalfthecrop，butallowstwodollarsandahalfabushelforthathalf，whentherearerustyoldbooksanddocumentsintheCongressionallibrarytoshowjustwhattheFishertestimonyshowedbeforetheforgery——viz。thatinthefallof1813cornwasonlyworthfrom$1。25to$1。50abushel。Havingaccomplishedthis，whatdoesMr。Floyddonext？，Mr。Floyd(“withanearnestdesiretoexecutetrulythelegislativewill，“ashepiouslyremarks)goestoworkandmakesoutanentirelynewbillofFisherdamages，andinthisnewbillheplacidlyignorestheIndiansaltogetherputsnoparticleofthedestructionoftheFisherpropertyuponthem，but，evenrepentinghimofchargingthemwithburningthecabinsanddrinkingthewhiskyandbreakingthecrockery，laystheentiredamageatthedooroftheimbecileUnitedStatestroopsdowntotheverylastitem！，Andnotonlythat，butusestheforgerytodoublethelossofcornat“Bassett’sCreek，“andusesitagaintoabsolutelytreblethelossofcornonthe“AlabamaRiver。”，ThisnewandablyconceivedandexecutedbillofMr。Floyd’sfiguresupasfollows(IcopyagainfromtheprintedUnitedStatesSenatedocument)：
TheUnitedStatesinaccountwiththelegalrepresentativesofGeorgeFisher，deceased。
DOL。C
1813——To550headofcattle，at10dollars，……5，500。00
To86headofdrovehogs，……1，204。00
To350headofstockhogs，……1，750。00
To100ACRESOFCORNONBASSETT’SCREEK，……6，000。00
To8barrelsofwhisky，……350。00
To2barrelsofbrandy，……280。00
To1barrelofrum，……，70。00
Todry-goodsandmerchandiseinstore，……1，100。00
To35acresofwheat，……350。00
To2，000hides，……4，000。00
Tofursandhatsinstore，……600。00
Tocrockerywareinstore，……100。00
Tosmith’sandcarpenter’stools，……250。00
Tohousesburnedanddestroyed，……600。00
To4dozenbottlesofwine，……，48。00
1814——To120acresofcornonAlabamaRiver，……9，500。00
Tocropsofpeas，fodder，etc……3，250。00
Total，……34，952。00
Tointereston$22，202，fromJuly1813
toNovember1860，47yearsand4months，……63，053。68
Tointereston$12，750，fromSeptember1814toNovemberI86o，46yearsand2months，……35，317。50
Total，……133，323。18
Heputseverythinginthistime。HedoesnotevenallowthattheIndiansdestroyedthecrockeryordrankthefourdozenbottlesof(currant)wine。
Whenitcametosupernaturalcomprehensivenessin“gobbling，“JohnB。
Floydwaswithouthisequal，inhisownoranyothergeneration。
Subtractingfromtheabovetotalthe$67，000alreadypaidtoGeorgeFisher’simplacableheirs，Mr。Floydannouncedthatthegovernmentwasstillindebtedtotheminthesumofsixty-sixthousandfivehundredandnineteendollarsandeighty-fivecents，“which，“Mr。Floydcomplacentlyremarks，“willbepaid，accordingly，totheadministratoroftheestateofGeorgeFisher，deceased，ortohisattorneyinfact。”
But，sadlyenoughforthedestituteorphans，anewPresidentcameinjustatthistime，BuchananandFloydwentout，andtheynevergottheirmoney。ThefirstthingCongressdidin1861wastorescindtheresolutionofJune1，1860，underwhichMr。Floydhadbeenciphering。
ThenFloyd(anddoubtlesstheheirsofGeorgeFisherlikewise)hadtogiveupfinancialbusinessforawhile，andgointotheConfederatearmyandservetheircountry。
WeretheheirsofGeorgeFisherkilled？，No。Theyarebacknowatthisverytime(July，1870)，beseechingCongressthroughthatblushinganddiffidentcreature，GarrettDavis，tocommencemakingpaymentsagainontheirinterminableandinsatiablebillofdamagesforcornandwhiskydestroyedbyagangofirresponsibleIndians，solongagothatevengovernmentred-tapehasfailedtokeepconsistentandintelligenttrackofit。
Nowtheabovearefacts。Theyarehistory。AnyonewhodoubtsitcansendtotheSenateDocumentDepartmentoftheCapitolforH。R。Ex。Doc。
No。21，36thCongress，2dSession;andforS。Ex。Doc。No。106，41stCongress，2dSession，andsatisfyhimself。ThewholecaseissetforthinthefirstvolumeoftheCourtofClaimsReports。
ItismybeliefthataslongasthecontinentofAmericaholdstogether，theheirsofGeorgeFisher，deceased，willstillmakepilgrimagestoWashingtonfromtheswampsofFlorida，topleadforjustalittlemorecashontheirbillofdamages(evenwhentheyreceivedthelastofthatsixty-seventhousanddollars，theysaiditwasonlyonefourthwhatthegovernmentowedthemonthatfruitfulcorn-field)，andaslongastheychoosetocometheywillfindGarrettDavisestodragtheirvampireschemesbeforeCongress。Thisisnottheonlyhereditaryfraud(iffrauditis——whichIhavebeforerepeatedlyremarkedisnotproven)thatisbeingquietlyhandeddownfromgenerationtogenerationoffathersandsons，throughthepersecutedTreasuryoftheUnitedStates。
DISGRACEFULPERSECUTIONOFABOY
InSanFrancisco，theotherday，“Awell-dressedboy，onhiswaytoSunday-school，wasarrestedandthrownintothecityprisonforstoningChinamen。”
Whatacommentaryisthisuponhumanjustice！，Whatsadprominenceitgivestoourhumandispositiontotyrannizeovertheweak！，SanFranciscohaslittlerighttotakecredittoherselfforhertreatmentofthispoorboy。Whathadthechild’seducationbeen？，HowshouldhesupposeitwaswrongtostoneaChinaman？，Beforewesideagainsthim，alongwithoutragedSanFrancisco，letusgivehimachance——letushearthetestimonyforthedefense。
Hewasa“well-dressed“boy，andaSunday-schoolscholar，andthereforethechancesarethathisparentswereintelligent，well-to-dopeople，withjustenoughnaturalvillainyintheircompositiontomakethemyearnafterthedailypapers，andenjoythem;andsothisboyhadopportunitiestolearnallthroughtheweekhowtodoright，aswellasonSunday。
ItwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatthegreatcommonwealthofCaliforniaimposesanunlawfulmining-taxuponJohntheforeigner，andallowsPatricktheforeignertodiggoldfornothing——probablybecausethedegradedMongolisatnoexpenseforwhisky，andtherefinedCeltcannotexistwithoutit。
Itwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatarespectablenumberofthetax-gatherers——itwouldbeunkindtosayallofthem——collectthetaxtwice，insteadofonce;andthat，inasmuchastheydoitsolelytodiscourageChineseimmigrationintothemines，itisathingthatismuchapplauded，andlikewiseregardedasbeingsingularlyfacetious。
Itwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatwhenawhitemanrobsasluice-
box(bythetermwhitemanismeantSpaniards，Mexicans，Portuguese，Irish，Hondurans，Peruvians，Chileans，etc。etc。)，theymakehimleavethecamp;andwhenaChinamandoesthatthing，theyhanghim。
ItwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatinmanydistrictsofthevastPacificcoast，sostrongisthewild，freeloveofjusticeintheheartsofthepeople，thatwheneveranysecretandmysteriouscrimeiscommitted，theysay，“Letjusticebedone，thoughtheheavensfall，“andgostraightwayandswingaChinaman。
Itwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatbystudyingonehalfofeachday’s“localitems，“itwouldappearthatthepoliceofSanFranciscowereeitherasleepordead，andbystudyingtheotherhalfitwouldseemthatthereportersweregonemadwithadmirationoftheenergy，thevirtue，thehigheffectiveness，andthedare-devilintrepidityofthatverypolice-makingexultantmentionofhow“theArgus-eyedofficerSo-
and-so“capturedawretchedknaveofaChinamanwhowasstealingchickens，andbroughthimgloriouslytothecityprison;andhow“thegallantofficerSuch-and-such-a-one“quietlykeptaneyeonthemovementsofan“unsuspecting，almond-eyedsonofConfucius“(yourreporterisnothingifnotfacetious)，followinghimaroundwiththatfar-offlook。
ofvacancyandunconsciousnessalwayssofinelyaffectedbythatinscrutablebeing，theforty-dollarpoliceman，duringawakinginterval，andcapturedhimatlastintheveryactofplacinghishandsinasuspiciousmanneruponapaperoftacks，leftbytheownerinanexposedsituation;andhowoneofficerperformedthisprodigiousthing，andanotherofficerthat，andanothertheother——andprettymucheveryoneoftheseperformanceshavingforadazzlingcentralincidentaChinamanguiltyofashilling’sworthofcrime，anunfortunate，whosemisdemeanormustbehurrahedintosomethingenormousinordertokeepthepublicfromnoticinghowmanyreallyimportantrascalswentuncapturedinthemeantime，andhowoverratedthoseglorifiedpolicemenactuallyare。
Itwasinthiswaythattheboyfoundoutthatthelegislature，beingawarethattheConstitutionhasmadeAmerica，anasylumforthepoorandtheoppressedofallnations，andthat，therefore，thepoorandoppressedwhoflytooursheltermustnotbechargedadisablingadmissionfee，madealawthateveryChinaman，uponlanding，mustbevaccinateduponthewharf，andpaytothestate’sappointedofficertendollarsfortheservice，whenthereareplentyofdoctorsinSanFranciscowhowouldbegladenoughtodoitforhimforfiftycents。
ItwasinthiswaythattheboyfoundoutthataChinamanhadnorightsthatanymanwasboundtorespect;thathehadnosorrowsthatanymanwasboundtopity;thatneitherhislifenorhislibertywasworththepurchaseofapennywhenawhitemanneededascapegoat;thatnobodylovedChinamen，nobodybefriendedthem，nobodysparedthemsufferingwhenitwasconvenienttoinflictit;everybody，individuals，communities，themajestyofthestateitself，joinedinhating，abusing，andpersecutingthesehumblestrangers。
And，therefore，whatcouldhavebeenmorenaturalthanforthissunny-
hearted-boy，trippingalongtoSunday-school，withhismindteemingwithfreshlylearnedincentivestohighandvirtuousaction，tosaytohimself：
“Ah，theregoesaChinaman！，GodwillnotlovemeifIdonotstonehim。”
Andforthishewasarrestedandputinthecityjail。
EverythingconspiredtoteachhimthatitwasahighandholythingtostoneaChinaman，andyethenosoonerattemptstodohisdutythanheispunishedforit——he，poorchap，whohasbeenawareallhislifethatoneoftheprincipalrecreationsofthepolice，outtowardtheGoldRefinery，istolookonwithtranquilenjoymentwhilethebutchersofBrannanStreetsettheirdogsonunoffendingChinamen，andmakethemfleefortheirlives——
[Ihavemanysuchmemoriesinmymind，butamthinkingjustatpresentofoneparticularone，wheretheBrannanStreetbutcherssettheirdogsonaChinamanwhowasquietlypassingwithabasketofclothesonhishead;andwhilethedogsmutilatedhisflesh，abutcherincreasedthehilarityoftheoccasionbyknockingsomeoftheChinaman’steethdownhisthroatwithhalfabrick。Thisincidentsticksinmymemorywithamoremalevolenttenacity，perhaps，onaccountofthefactthatIwasintheemployofaSanFranciscojournalatthetime，andwasnotallowedtopublishitbecauseitmightoffendsomeofthepeculiarelementthatsubscribedforthepaper。]
Keepinginmindthetuitioninthehumanitieswhichtheentire“Pacificcoast“givesitsyouth，thereisaverysublimityofincongruityinthevirtuousflourishwithwhichthegoodcityfathersofSanFranciscoproclaim(astheyhavelatelydone)that“Thepolicearepositivelyorderedtoarrestallboys，ofeverydescriptionandwhereverfound，whoengageinassaultingChinamen。”
Still，letusbetrulygladtheyhavemadetheorder，notwithstandingitsinconsistency;andletusrestperfectlyconfidentthepoliceareglad，too。Becausethereisnopersonalperilinarrestingboys，providedtheybeofthesmallkind，andthereporterswillhavetolaudtheirperformancesjustasloyallyasever，orgowithoutitems。
ThenewformforlocalitemsinSanFranciscowillnowbe：“Theever-
vigilantandefficientofficerSo-and-sosucceeded，yesterdayafternoon，inarrestingMasterTommyJones，afteradeterminedresistance，“etc。etc。followedbythecustomarystatisticsandfinalhurrah，withitsunconscioussarcasm：“Wearehappyinbeingabletostatethatthisistheforty-seventhboyarrestedbythisgallantofficersincethenewordinancewentintoeffect。Themostextraordinaryactivityprevailsinthepolicedepartment。Nothinglikeithasbeenseensincewecanremember。”
THEJUDGE’S“SPIRITEDWOMAN“
“Iwassittinghere，“saidthejudge，“inthisoldpulpit，holdingcourt，andweweretryingabig，wicked-lookingSpanishdesperadoforkillingthehusbandofabright，prettyMexicanwoman。Itwasalazysummerday，andanawfullylongone，andthewitnessesweretedious。Noneofustookanyinterestinthetrialexceptthatnervous，uneasydevilofaMexicanwomanbecauseyouknowhowtheyloveandhowtheyhate，andthisonehadlovedherhusbandwithallhermight，andnowshehadboileditalldownintohate，andstoodherespittingitatthatSpaniardwithhereyes;
andItellyoushewouldstirmeup，too，withalittleofhersummerlightning，occasionally。Well，Ihadmycoatoffandmyheelsup，lollingandsweating，andsmokingoneofthosecabbagecigarstheSanFranciscopeopleusedtothinkweregoodenoughforusinthosetimes;
andthelawyerstheyallhadtheircoatsoff，andweresmokingandwhittling，andthewitnessesthesame，andsowastheprisoner。Well，thefactis，therewarn’tanyinterestinamurdertrialthen，becausethefellowwasalwaysbroughtin’notguilty，’thejuryexpectinghimtodoasmuchforthemsometime;and，althoughtheevidencewasstraightandsquareagainstthisSpaniard，weknewwecouldnotconvicthimwithoutseemingtoberatherhigh-handedandsortofreflectingoneverygentlemaninthecommunity;fortherewarn’tanycarriagesandliveriesthen，andsotheonly’style’therewas，wastokeepyourprivategraveyard。ButthatwomanseemedtohaveherheartsetonhangingthatSpaniard;andyou’doughttohaveseenhowshewouldglareonhimaminute，andthenlookupatmeinherpleadingway，andthenturnandforthenextfiveminutessearchthejury’sfaces，andbyandbydropherfaceinherhandsforjustalittlewhileasifshewasmostreadytogiveup;butoutshe’dcomeagaindirectly，andbeasliveandanxiousasever。Butwhenthejuryannouncedtheverdict——NotGuilty——andItoldtheprisonerhewasacquittedandfreetogo，thatwomanroseuptillsheappearedtobeastallandgrandasaseventy-four-gunship，andsaysshe：
“’Judge，doIunderstandyoutosaythatthismanisnotguiltythatmurderedmyhusbandwithoutanycausebeforemyowneyesandmylittlechildren’s，andthatallhasbeendonetohimthateverjusticeandthelawcando？’
“’Thesame，’saysI。
“Andthenwhatdoyoureckonshedid？，Why，sheturnedonthatsmirkingSpanishfoollikeawildcat，andoutwitha’navy’andshothimdeadinopencourt！”
“Thatwasspirited，Iamwillingtoadmit。”
“Wasn’tit，though？”saidthejudgeadmiringly。
“Iwouldn’thavemisseditforanything。Iadjournedcourtrightonthespot，andweputonourcoatsandwentoutandtookupacollectionforherandhercubs，andsentthemoverthemountainstotheirfriends。
Ah，shewasaspiritedwench！”
INFORMATIONWANTED
“WASHINGTON，December10，1867。
“Couldyougivemeanyinformationrespectingsuchislands，ifany，asthegovernmentisgoingtopurchase？”
Itisanuncleofminethatwantstoknow。Heisanindustriousmanandwelldisposed，andwantstomakealivinginanhonest，humbleway，butmoreespeciallyhewantstobequiet。Hewishestosettledown，andbequietandunostentatious。HehasbeentothenewislandSt。Thomas，buthesayshethinksthingsareunsettledthere。HewentthereearlywithanattacheoftheStateDepartment，whowassentdownwithmoneytopayfortheisland。Myunclehadhismoneyinthesamebox，andsowhentheywentashore，gettingareceipt，thesailorsbrokeopentheboxandtookallthemoney，notmakinganydistinctionbetweengovernmentmoney，whichwaslegitimatemoneytobestolen，andmyuncle’s，whichwashisownprivateproperty，andshouldhavebeenrespected。Buthecamehomeandgotsomemoreandwentback。Andthenhetookthefever。Therearesevenkindsoffeverdownthere，youknow;and，ashisbloodwasoutoforderbyreasonoflossofsleepandgeneralwearandtearofmind，hefailedtocurethefirstfever，andthensomehowhegottheothersix。
Heisnotakindofmanthatenjoysfevers，thoughheiswellmeaningandalwaysdoeswhathethinksisright，andsohewasagooddealannoyedwhenitappearedhewasgoingtodie。
Butheworriedthrough，andgotwellandstartedafarm。Hefenceditin，andthenextdaythatgreatstormcameonandwashedthemostofitovertoGibraltar，oraroundtheresomewhere。Heonlysaid，inhispatientway，thatitwasgone，andhewouldn’tbotherabouttryingtofindoutwhereitwentto，thoughitwashisopinionitwenttoGibraltar。
Thenheinvestedinamountain，andstartedafarmupthere，soastobeoutofthewaywhentheseacameashoreagain。Itwasagoodmountain，andagoodfarm，butitwasn’tanyuse;anearthquakecamethenextnightandshookitalldown。Itwasallfragments，youknow，andsomixedupwithanotherman’spropertythathecouldnottellwhichwerehisfragmentswithoutgoingtolaw;andhewouldnotdothat，becausehismainobjectingoingtoSt。Thomaswastobequiet。Allthathewantedwastosettledownandbequiet。
Hethoughtitallover，andfinallyheconcludedtotrythelowgroundagain，especiallyashewantedtostartabrickyardthistime。Heboughtaflat，andputoutahundredthousandbrickstodrypreparatorytobakingthem。Butluckappearedtobeagainsthim。Avolcanoshoveditselfthroughtherethatnight，andelevatedhisbrickyardabouttwothousandfeetintheair。Itirritatedhimagooddeal。Hehasbeenupthere，andhesaysthebricksareallbakedrightenough，buthecan’tgetthemdown。Atfirst，hethoughtmaybethegovernmentwouldgetthebricksdownforhim，becausesincegovernmentboughttheisland，itoughttoprotectthepropertywhereamanhasinvestedingoodfaith;butallhewantsisquiet，andsoheisnotgoingtoapplyforthesubsidyhewasthinkingabout。
Hewentbacktherelastweekinacoupleofshipsofwar，toprospectaroundthecoastforasafeplaceforafarmwherehecouldbequiet;
butagreat“tidalwave“came，andhoistedbothoftheshipsoutintooneoftheinteriorcounties，andhecamenearlosinghislife。Sohehasgivenupprospectinginaship，andisdiscouraged。
Well，nowhedon’tknowwhattodo。HehastriedAlaska;butthebearskeptafterhimsomuch，andkepthimsomuchonthejump，asitwere，thathehadtoleavethecountry。Hecouldnotbequiettherewiththosebearsprancingafterhimallthetime。Thatishowhecametogotothenewislandwehavebought——St。Thomas。ButheisgettingtothinkSt。
Thomasisnotquietenoughforamanofhisturnofmind，andthatiswhyhewishesmetofindoutifgovernmentislikelytobuysomemoreislandsshortly。HehasheardthatgovernmentisthinkingaboutbuyingPortoRico。Ifthatistrue，hewishestotryPortoRico，ifitisaquietplace。HowisPortoRicoforhisstyleofman？，Doyouthinkthegovernmentwillbuyit？
SOMELEARNEDFABLES，FORGOODOLDBOYSANDGIRLS
INTHREEPARTS
PARTFIRST
HOWTHEANIMALSOFTHEWOODSENTOUTASCIENTIFICEXPEDITION
Oncethecreaturesoftheforestheldagreatconventionandappointedacommissionconsistingofthemostillustriousscientistsamongthemtogoforth，clearbeyondtheforestandoutintotheunknownandunexploredworld，toverifythetruthofthemattersalreadytaughtintheirschoolsandcollegesandalsotomakediscoveries。Itwasthemostimposingenterpriseofthekindthenationhadeverembarkedin。True，thegovernmenthadoncesentDr。BullFrog，withapickedcrew，tohuntforanorthwesterlypassagethroughtheswamptotheright-handcornerofthewood，andhadsincesentoutmanyexpeditionstohuntforDr。BullFrog;
buttheynevercouldfindhim，andsogovernmentfinallygavehimupandennobledhismothertoshowitsgratitudefortheserviceshersonhadrenderedtoscience。AndoncegovernmentsentSirGrassHoppertohuntforthesourcesoftherillthatemptiedintotheswamp;andafterwardsentoutmanyexpeditionstohuntforSirGrass，andatlasttheyweresuccessful——theyfoundhisbody，butifhehaddiscoveredthesourcesmeantime，hedidnotleton。Sogovernmentactedhandsomelybydeceased，andmanyenviedhisfuneral。
Buttheseexpeditionsweretriflescomparedwiththepresentone;forthisonecomprisedamongitsservantstheverygreatestamongthelearned;andbesidesitwastogototheutterlyunvisitedregionsbelievedtoliebeyondthemightyforest——aswehaveremarkedbefore。
Howthememberswerebanqueted，andglorified，andtalkedabout！
Everywherethatoneofthemshowedhimself，straightwaytherewasacrowdtogapeandstareathim。
Finallytheysetoff，anditwasasighttoseethelongprocessionofdry-landTortoisesheavilyladenwithsavants，scientificinstruments，Glow-WormsandFire-Fliesforsignalservice，provisions，AntsandTumble-Bugstofetchandcarryanddelve，Spiderstocarrythesurveyingchainanddootherengineeringduty，andsoforthandsoon;andaftertheTortoisescameanotherlongtrainofironclads——statelyandspaciousMudTurtlesformarinetransportationservice;andfromeveryTortoiseandeveryTurtleflauntedaflaminggladiolusorothersplendidbanner;
attheheadofthecolumnagreatbandofBumble-Bees，Mosquitoes，Katy-Dids，andCricketsdiscoursedmartialmusic;andtheentiretrainwasundertheescortandprotectionoftwelvepickedregimentsoftheArmyWorm。
AttheendofthreeweekstheexpeditionemergedfromtheforestandlookeduponthegreatUnknownWorld。Theireyesweregreetedwithanimpressivespectacle。Avastlevelplainstretchedbeforethem，wateredbyasinuousstream;andbeyondtheretoweredupagainsttheskyalongandloftybarrierofsomekind，theydidnotknowwhat。TheTumble-Bugsaidhebelieveditwassimplylandtilteduponitsedge，becauseheknewhecouldseetreesonit。ButProfessorSnailandtheotherssaid：
“Youarehiredtodig，sir——thatisall。Weneedyourmuscle，notyourbrains。Whenwewantyouropiniononscientificmatters，wewillhastentoletyouknow。Yourcoolnessisintolerable，too——loafingaboutheremeddlingwithaugustmattersoflearning，whentheotherlaborersarepitchingcamp。Goalongandhelphandlethebaggage。”
TheTumble-Bugturnedonhisheeluncrushed，unabashed，observingtohimself，“Ifitisn’tlandtiltedup，letmediethedeathoftheunrighteous。”
ProfessorBullFrog(nephewofthelateexplorer)saidhebelievedtheridgewasthewallthatinclosedtheearth。Hecontinued：
“Ourfathershaveleftusmuchlearning，buttheyhadnottraveledfar，andsowemaycountthisanoblenewdiscovery。Wearesafeforrenownnow，eventhoughourlaborsbeganandendedwiththissingleachievement。
