Ah，itwasadeep，deepsatire，andmostingeniouslycontrived。ButI
madethehorribledetailssocarefullyandconscientiouslyinterestingthatthepublicdevouredthemgreedily，andwhollyoverlookedthefollowingdistinctlystatedfacts，towit：Themurdererwasperfectlywellknowntoeverycreatureinthelandasabachelor，andconsequentlyhecouldnotmurderhiswifeandninechildren;hemurderedthem“inhissplendiddressed-stonemansionjustintheedgeofthegreatpineforestbetweenEmpireCityandDutchNick’s，“wheneventheverypickledoystersthatcameonourtablesknewthattherewasnota“dressed-stonemansion“
inallNevadaTerritory;alsothat，sofarfromtherebeinga“greatpineforestbetweenEmpireCityandDutchNick’s，“therewasn’tasolitarytreewithinfifteenmilesofeitherplace;and，finally，itwaspatentandnotoriousthatEmpireCityandDutchNick’swereoneandthesameplace，andcontainedonlysixhousesanyhow，andconsequentlytherecouldbenoforestbetweenthem;andontopofalltheseabsurditiesIstatedthatthisdiabolicalmurderer，afterinflictingawounduponhimselfthatthereaderoughttohaveseenwouldkillanelephantinthetwinklingofaneye，jumpedonhishorseandrodefourmiles，wavinghiswife’sreekingscalpintheair，andthusperformingenteredCarsonCitywithtremendouseclat，anddroppeddeadinfrontofthechiefsaloon，theenvyandadmirationofallbeholders。
Well，inallmylifeIneversawanythinglikethesensationthatlittlesatirecreated。Itwasthetalkofthetown，itwasthetalkoftheterritory。Mostofthecitizensdroppedgentlyintoitatbreakfast，andtheyneverfinishedtheirmeal。Therewassomethingaboutthoseminutelyfaithfuldetailsthatwasasufficingsubstituteforfood。Fewpeoplethatwereabletoreadtookfoodthatmorning。DanandI(Danwasmyreportorialassociate)tookourseatsoneithersideofourcustomarytableinthe“EagleRestaurant，“and，asIunfoldedtheshredtheyusedtocallanapkininthatestablishment，IsawatthenexttabletwostalwartinnocentswiththatsortofvegetabledandruffsprinkledabouttheirclothingwhichwasthesignandevidencethattheywereinfromtheTruckeewithaloadofhay。Theonefacingmehadthemorningpaperfoldedtoalong，narrowstrip，andIknew，withoutanytelling，thatthatstriprepresentedthecolumnthatcontainedmypleasantfinancialsatire。Fromthewayhewasexcitedlymumbling，Isawthattheheedlesssonofahay-mowwasskippingwithallhismight，inordertogettothebloodydetailsasquicklyaspossible;andsohewasmissingtheguide-
boardsIhadsetuptowarnhimthatthewholethingwasafraud。
Presentlyhiseyesspreadwideopen，justashisjawsswungasundertotakeinapotatoapproachingitonafork;thepotatohalted，thefacelitupredly，andthewholemanwasonfirewithexcitement。Thenhebrokeintoadisjointedcheckingoffoftheparticulars——hispotatocoolinginmid-airmeantime，andhismouthmakingareachforitoccasionally;butalwaysbringingupsuddenlyagainstanewandstillmoredirefulperformanceofmyhero。Atlasthelookedhisstunnedandrigidcomradeimpressivelyintheface，andsaid，withanexpressionofconcentratedawe：
“Jim，heb’iledhisbaby，andhetooktheold’oman’sskelp。Cuss’difI
wantanybreakfast！”
Andhelaidhislingeringpotatoreverentlydown，andheandhisfrienddepartedfromtherestaurantemptybutsatisfied。
Henevergotdowntowherethesatirepartofitbegan。Nobodyeverdid。
Theyfoundthethrillingparticularssufficient。Todropinwithapoorlittlemoralatthefag-endofsuchagorgeousmassacrewaslikefollowingtheexpiringsunwithacandleandhopetoattracttheworld’sattentiontoit。
Theideathatanybodycouldevertakemymassacreforagenuineoccurrenceneveroncesuggesteditselftome，hedgedaboutasitwasbyallthosetelltaleabsurditiesandimpossibilitiesconcerningthe“greatpineforest，“the“dressed-stonemansion，“etc。ButIfoundoutthen，andneverhaveforgottensince，thatweneverreadthedullexplanatorysurroundingsofmarvelouslyexcitingthingswhenwehavenooccasiontosupposethatsomeirresponsiblescribbleristryingtodefraudus;weskipallthat，andhastentorevelintheblood-curdlingparticularsandbehappy。
THEUNDERTAKER’SCHAT
“Nowthatcorpse，“saidtheundertaker，pattingthefoldedhandsofdeceasedapprovingly，wasabrick-everywayyoutookhimhewasabrick。
Hewassorealaccommodating，andsomodest-likeandsimpleinhislastmoments。Friendswantedmetallicburial-case——nothingelsewoulddo。
Icouldn’tgetit。Therewarn’tgoingtobetime——anybodycouldseethat。
“Corpsesaidnevermind，shakehimupsomekindofaboxhecouldstretchoutincomfortable，hewarn’tparticular’boutthegeneralstyleofit。
Saidhewentmoreonroomthanstyle，anywayinalastfinalcontainer。
“Friendswantedasilverdoor-plateonthecoffin，signifyingwhohewasandwher’hewasfrom。Nowyouknowafellowcouldn’troustoutsuchagailythingasthatinalittlecountry-townlikethis。Whatdidcorpsesay？
“Corpsesaid，whitewashhisoldcanoeanddobhisaddressandgeneraldestinationontoitwithablacking-brushandastencil-plate，’longwithaversefromsomelikelyhymnorother，andpinthimforthetomb，andmarkhimC。O。D。andjustlethimflicker。Hewarn’tdistressedanymorethanyoube——onthecontrary，justasca，’mandcollectedasahearse-horse;saidhejudgedthatwher’hewasgoingtoabodywouldfinditconsiderablebettertoattractattentionbyapicturesquemoralcharacterthananattyburial-casewithaswelldoor-plateonit。
“Splendidman，hewas。I’ddrutherdoforacorpselikethat’nanyI’vetackledinsevenyear。There’ssomesatisfactioninburyin’amanlikethat。Youfeelthatwhatyou’redoingisappreciated。Lordblessyou，so’shegotplantedbeforehesp’iled，hewasperfectlysatisfied;saidhisrelationsmeantwell，perfectlywell，butallthempreparationswasboundtodelaythethingmoreorless，andhedidn’twishtobekeptlayin’around。Youneverseesuchaclearheadaswhathehad——andsoca，’mandsocool。Jistahunkofbrains——thatiswhathewas。
Perfectlyawful。Itwasarippingdistancefromoneendofthatman’sheadtot’other。Oftenandoveragainhe’shadbrain-fevera-raginginoneplace，andtherestofthepiledidn’tknowanythingaboutit——didn’taffectitanymorethananInjunInsurrectioninArizonaaffectstheAtlanticStates。”Well，therelationstheywantedabigfuneral，butcorpsesaidhewasdownonflummery——didn，’twantanyprocession——fillthehearsefullofmourners，andgetoutasternlineandtowhimbehind。
HewasthemostdownonstyleofanyremainsIeverstruck。Abeautiful，simplemindedcreatureitwaswhathewas，youcandependonthat。Hewasjustsetonhavingthingsthewayhewantedthem，andhetookasolidcomfortinlayinghislittleplans。Hehadmemeasurehimandtakeawholeraftofdirections;thenhehadtheministerstandupbehindalongboxwithatable——clothoverit，torepresentthecoffin，andreadhisfuneralsermon，saying’Angcore，angcore！’atthegoodplaces，andmakinghimscratchouteverybitofbragabouthim，andallthehifalutin;andthenhemadethemtrotoutthechoir，so’shecouldhelpthempickoutthetunesfortheoccasion，andhegotthemtosing’PopGoestheWeasel，’becausehe’dalwayslikedthattunewhenhewasdownhearted，andsolemnmusicmadehimsad;andwhentheysungthatwithtearsintheireyes(becausetheyalllovedhim)，andhisrelationsgrievingaround，hejustlaidthereashappyasabug，andtryingtobeattimeandshowingalloverhowmuchheenjoyedit;andpresentlyhegotworkedupandexcited，andtriedtojoinin，for，mindyou，hewasprettyproudofhisabilitiesinthesingingline;butthefirsttimeheopenedhismouthandwasjustgoingtospreadhimselfhisbreathtookawalk。
“Ineverseeamansnuffedoutsosudden。Ah，itwasagreatloss——a，powerfullosstothispoorlittleone-horsetown。Well，well，well，I
hain’tgottimetobepalaveringalonghere——gottonailonthelidandmoseyalongwithhim;andifyou’lljustgivemealiftwe’llskeethimintothehearseandmeanderalong。Relationsboundtohaveitso——don’tpaynoattentiontodyinginjunctions，minuteacorpse’sgone;but，ifI
hadmyway，ifIdidn’trespecthislastwishesandtowhimbehindthehearseI’llbecuss’d。Iconsiderthatwhateveracorpsewantsdoneforhiscomfortislittleenoughmatter，andamanhain’tgotnorighttodeceivehimortakeadvantageofhim;andwhateveracorpsetrustsmetodoI’ma-goingtodo，youknow，evenifit’stostuffhimandpainthimyallerandkeephimforakeepsake——youhearme！”
Hecrackedhiswhipandwentlumberingawaywithhisancientruinofahearse，andIcontinuedmywalkwithavaluablelessonlearned——thatahealthyandwholesomecheerfulnessisnotnecessarilyimpossibletoanyoccupation。Thelessonislikelytobelasting，foritwilltakemanymonthstoobliteratethememoryoftheremarksandcircumstancesthatimpressedit。
CONCERNINGCHAMBERMAIDS
Againstallchambermaids，ofwhatsoeverageornationality，Ilaunchthecurseofbachelordom！，Because：
Theyalwaysputthepillowsattheoppositeendofthebedfromthegas-
burner，sothatwhileyoureadandsmokebeforesleeping(asistheancientandhonoredcustomofbachelors)，youhavetoholdyourbookaloft，inanuncomfortableposition，tokeepthelightfromdazzlingyoureyes。
Whentheyfindthepillowsremovedtotheotherendofthebedinthemorning，theyreceivenotthesuggestioninafriendlyspirit;but，gloryingintheirabsolutesovereignty，andunpityingyourhelplessness，theymakethebedjustasitwasoriginally，andgloatinsecretoverthepangtheirtyrannywillcauseyou。
Alwaysafterthat，whentheyfindyouhavetransposedthepillows，theyundoyourwork，andthusdefyandseektoembitterthelifethatGodhasgivenyou。
Iftheycannotgetthelightinaninconvenientpositionanyotherway，theymovethebed。
Ifyoupullyourtrunkoutsixinchesfromthewall，sothatthelidwillstayupwhenyouopenit，theyalwaysshovethattrunkbackagain。Theydoitonpurpose。
Ifyouwantthespittooninacertainspot，whereitwillbehandy，theydon’t，andsotheymoveit。
Theyalwaysputyourotherbootsintoinaccessibleplaces。Theychieflyenjoydepositingthemasfarunderthebedasthewallwillpermit。Itisbecausethiscompelsyoutogetdowninanundignifiedattitudeandmakewildsweepsfortheminthedarkwiththebootjack，andswear。
Theyalwaysputthematchboxinsomeotherplace。Theyhuntupanewplaceforiteveryday，andputupabottle，orotherperishableglassthing，wheretheboxstoodbefore。Thisistocauseyoutobreakthatglassthing，gropinginthedark，andgetyourselfintotrouble。
Theyareforeverandevermovingthefurniture。Whenyoucomeininthenightyoucancalculateonfindingthebureauwherethewardrobewasinthemorning。Andwhenyougooutinthemorning，ifyouleavetheslop-
bucketbythedoorandrocking-chairbythewindow，whenyoucomeinatmidnightorthereabout，youwillfalloverthatrocking-chair，andyouwillproceedtowardthewindowandsitdowninthatslop-tub。Thiswilldisgustyou。Theylikethat。
Nomatterwhereyouputanything，theyarenotgoingtoletitstaythere。Theywilltakeitandmoveitthefirstchancetheyget。Itistheirnature。And，besides，itgivesthempleasuretobemeanandcontrarythisway。Theywoulddieiftheycouldn’tbevillains。
Theyalwayssaveupalltheoldscrapsofprintedrubbishyouthrowonthefloor，andstackthemupcarefullyonthetable，andstartthefirewithyourvaluablemanuscripts。Ifthereisanyoneparticularoldscrapthatyouaremoredownonthananyother，andwhichyouaregraduallywearingyourlifeouttryingtogetridof，youmaytakeallthepainsyoupossiblycaninthatdirection，butitwon’tbeofanyuse，becausetheywillalwaysfetchthatoldscrapbackandputitinthesameoldplaceagaineverytime。Itdoesthemgood。
Andtheyuseupmorehair-oilthananysixmen。Ifchargedwithpurloiningthesame，theylieaboutit。Whatdotheycareaboutahereafter？，Absolutelynothing。
Ifyouleavethekeyinthedoorforconvenience’sake，theywillcarryitdowntotheofficeandgiveittotheclerk。Theydothisunderthevilepretenseoftryingtoprotectyourpropertyfromthieves;butactuallytheydoitbecausetheywanttomakeyoutrampbackdown-stairsafteritwhenyoucomehometired，orputyoutothetroubleofsendingawaiterforit，whichwaiterwillexpectyoutopayhimsomething。InwhichcaseIsupposethedegradedcreaturesdivide。
Theykeepalwaystryingtomakeyourbedbeforeyougetup，thusdestroyingyourrestandinflictingagonyuponyou;butafteryougetup，theydon’tcomeanymoretillnextday。
Theydoallthemeanthingstheycanthinkof，andtheydothemjustoutofpurecussedness，andnothingelse。
Chambermaidsaredeadtoeveryhumaninstinct。
IfIcangetabillthroughthelegislatureabolishingchambermaids，I
meantodoit。
AURELIA’SUNFORTUNATEYOUNGMAN——[Writtenabout1865。]
ThefactsinthefollowingcasecametomebyletterfromayoungladywholivesinthebeautifulcityofSanJose;sheisperfectlyunknowntome，andsimplysignsherself“AureliaMaria，“whichmaypossiblybeafictitiousname。Butnomatter，thepoorgirlisalmostheartbrokenbythemisfortunesshehasundergone，andsoconfusedbytheconflictingcounselsofmisguidedfriendsandinsidiousenemiesthatshedoesnotknowwhatcoursetopursueinordertoextricateherselffromthewebofdifficultiesinwhichsheseemsalmosthopelesslyinvolved。Inthisdilemmasheturnstomeforhelp，andsupplicatesformyguidanceandinstructionwithamovingeloquencethatwouldtouchtheheartofastatue。Hearhersadstory：
Shesaysthatwhenshewassixteenyearsoldshemetandloved，withallthedevotionofapassionatenature，ayoungmanfromNewJersey，namedWilliamsonBreckinridgeCaruthers，whowassomesixyearshersenior。
Theywereengaged，withthefreeconsentoftheirfriendsandrelatives，andforatimeitseemedasiftheircareerwasdestinedto，becharacterizedbyanimmunityfromsorrowbeyondtheusuallotofhumanity。Butatlastthetideoffortuneturned;youngCaruthersbecameinfectwithsmallpoxofthemostvirulenttype，andwhenherecoveredfromhisillnesshisfacewaspittedlikeawaffle-mold，andhiscomelinessgoneforever。Aureliathoughttobreakofftheengagementatfirst，butpityforherunfortunatelovercausedhertopostponethemarriage-dayforaseason，andgivehimanothertrial。
Theverydaybeforetheweddingwastohavetakenplace，Breckinridge，whileabsorbedinwatchingtheflightofaballoon，walkedintoawellandfracturedoneofhislegs，andithadtobetakenoffabovetheknee。
AgainAureliawasmovedtobreaktheengagement，butagainlovetriumphed，andshesetthedayforwardandgavehimanotherchancetoreform。
Andagainmisfortuneovertooktheunhappyyouth。HelostonearmbytheprematuredischargeofaFourthofJulycannon，andwithinthreemonthshegottheotherpulledoutbyacarding-machine。Aurelia’sheartwasalmostcrushedbytheselattercalamities。Shecouldnotbutbedeeplygrievedtoseeherloverpassingfromherbypiecemeal，feeling，asshedid，thathecouldnotlastforeverunderthisdisastrousprocessofreduction，yetknowingofnowaytostopitsdreadfulcareer，andinhertearfuldespairshealmostregretted，likebrokerswhoholdonandlose，thatshehadnottakenhimatfirst，beforehehadsufferedsuchanalarmingdepreciation。Still，herbravesoulboreherup，andsheresolvedtobearwithherfriend’sunnaturaldispositionyetalittlelonger。
Againthewedding-dayapproached，andagaindisappointmentovershadowedit;Caruthersfellillwiththeerysipelas，andlosttheuseofoneofhiseyesentirely。Thefriendsandrelativesofthebride，consideringthatshehadalreadyputupwithmorethancouldreasonablybeexpectedofher，nowcameforwardandinsistedthatthematchshouldbebrokenoff;butafterwaveringawhile，Aurelia，withagenerousspiritwhichdidhercredit，saidshehadreflectedcalmlyuponthematter，andcouldnotdiscoverthatBreckinridgewastoblame。
Sosheextendedthetimeoncemore，andhebrokehisotherleg。
Itwasasaddayforthepoorgirlwhen，shesawthesurgeonsreverentlybearingawaythesackwhoseusesshehadlearnedbypreviousexperience，andherhearttoldherthebittertruththatsomemoreofherloverwasgone。Shefeltthatthefieldofheraffectionswasgrowingmoreandmorecircumscribedeveryday，butoncemoreshefrowneddownherrelativesandrenewedherbetrothal。
Shortlybeforethetimesetforthenuptialsanotherdisasteroccurred。
TherewasbutonemanscalpedbytheOwensRiverIndianslastyear。ThatmanwasWilliamsonBreckinridgeCaruthersofNewJersey。Hewashurryinghomewithhappinessinhisheart，whenhelosthishairforever，andinthathourofbitternesshealmostcursedthemistakenmercythathadsparedhishead。
AtlastAureliaisinseriousperplexityastowhatsheoughttodo。ShestilllovesherBreckinridge，shewrites，withtrulywomanlyfeeling——shestillloveswhatisleftofhimbutherparentsarebitterlyopposedtothematch，becausehehasnopropertyandisdisabledfromworking，andshehasnotsufficientmeanstosupportbothcomfortably。”Now，whatshouldshedo？”sheaskedwithpainfulandanxioussolicitude。
Itisadelicatequestion;itisonewhichinvolvesthelifelonghappinessofawoman，andthatofnearlytwo-thirdsofaman，andIfeelthatitwouldbeassumingtoogreataresponsibilitytodomorethanmakeameresuggestioninthecase。Howwoulditdotobuildtohim？，IfAureliacanaffordtheexpense，letherfurnishhermutilatedloverwithwoodenarmsandwoodenlegs，andaglasseyeandawig，andgivehimanothershow;givehimninetydays，withoutgrace，andifhedoesnotbreakhisneckinthemeantime，marryhimandtakethechances。Itdoesnotseemtomethatthereismuchrisk，anyway，Aurelia，becauseifhestickstohissingularpropensityfordamaginghimselfeverytimeheseesagoodopportunity，hisnextexperimentisboundtofinishhim，andthenyouaresafe，marriedorsingle。Ifmarried，thewoodenlegsandsuchothervaluablesashemaypossessreverttothewidow，andyouseeyousustainnoactuallosssavethecherishedfragmentofanoblebutmostunfortunatehusband，whohonestlystrovetodoright，butwhoseextraordinaryinstinctswereagainsthim。Tryit，Maria。Ihavethoughtthematterovercarefullyandwell，anditistheonlychanceIseeforyou。ItwouldhavebeenahappyconceitonthepartofCaruthersifhehadstartedwithhisneckandbrokenthatfirst;butsincehehasseenfittochooseadifferentpolicyandstringhimselfoutaslongaspossible，Idonotthinkweoughttoupbraidhimforitifhehasenjoyedit。Wemustdothebestwecanunderthecircumstances，andtrynottofeelexasperatedathim。
“AFTER“JENKINS
Agrandaffairofaball——thePioneers’——cameoffattheOccidentalsometimeago。Thefollowingnotesofthecostumeswornbythebellesoftheoccasionmaynotbeuninterestingtothegeneralreader，andJerkinsmaygetanideatherefrom：
Mrs。W。M。wasattiredinanelegant’patedefoiegras，’madeexpresslyforher，andwasgreatlyadmired。MissS。hadherhairdoneup。Shewasthecenterofattractionfortheenvyofalltheladies。Mrs。G。W。wastastefullydressedina’toutensemble，’andwasgreetedwithdeafeningapplausewherevershewent。Mrs。C。N。wassuperblyarrayedinwhitekidgloves。Hermodestandengagingmanneraccordedwellwiththeunpretendingsimplicityofhercostumeandcausedhertoberegardedwithabsorbinginterestbyeveryone。
ThecharmingMissM。M。B。appearedinathrillingwaterfall，whoseexceedinggraceandvolumecompelledthehomageofpioneersandemigrantsalike。Howbeautifulshewas！
ThequeenlyMrs。L。R。wasattractivelyattiredinhernewandbeautifulfalseteeth，andthe’bonjour’effecttheynaturallyproducedwasheightenedbyherenchantingandwell-sustainedsmile。
MissR。P。withthatrepugnancetoostentationindresswhichissopeculiartoher，wasattiredinasimplewhitelacecollar，fastenedwithaneatpearl-buttonsolitaire。Thefinecontrastbetweenthesparklingvivacityofhernaturaloptic，andthesteadfastattentivenessofherplacidglasseye，wasthesubjectofgeneralandenthusiasticremark。
MissC。L。B。hadherfinenoseelegantlyenameled，andtheeasygracewithwhichsheblewitfromtimetotimemarkedherasacultivatedandaccomplishedwomanoftheworld;itsexquisitelymodulatedtoneexcitedtheadmirationofallwhohadthehappinesstohearit。
ABOUTBARBERS
Allthingschangeexceptbarbers，thewaysofbarbers，andthesurroundingsofbarbers。Theseneverchange。Whatoneexperiencesinabarber’sshopthefirsttimeheentersoneiswhathealwaysexperiencesinbarbers’shopsafterwardtilltheendofhisdays。Igotshavedthismorningasusual。AmanapproachedthedoorfromJonesStreetasI
approacheditfromMain——athingthatalwayshappens。Ihurriedup，butitwasofnouse;heenteredthedooronelittlestepaheadofme，andI
followedinonhisheelsandsawhimtaketheonlyvacantchair，theonepresidedoverbythebestbarber。Italwayshappensso。Isatdown，hopingthatImightfallheirtothechairbelongingtothebetteroftheremainingtwobarbers，forhehadalreadybeguncombinghisman’shair，whilehiscomradewasnotyetquitedonerubbingupandoilinghiscustomer’slocks。Iwatchedtheprobabilitieswithstronginterest。
WhenIsawthatNo。2wasgainingonNo。1myinterestgrewtosolicitude。WhenNo。1stoppedamomenttomakechangeonabathticketforanew-comer，andlostgroundintherace，mysolicituderosetoanxiety。WhenNo。1caughtupagain，andbothheandhiscomradewerepullingthetowelsawayandbrushingthepowderfromtheircustomers’
cheeks，anditwasaboutaneventhingwhichonewouldsay“Next！”first，myverybreathstoodstillwiththesuspense。ButwhenattheculminatingmomentNo。1stoppedtopassacombacoupleoftimesthroughhiscustomer’seyebrows，Isawthathehadlosttheracebyasingleinstant，andIroseindignantandquittedtheshop，tokeepfromfallingintothehandsofNo。2;forIhavenoneofthatenviablefirmnessthatenablesamantolookcalmlyintotheeyesofawaitingbarberandtellhimhewillwaitforhisfellow-barber’schair。
Istayedoutfifteenminutes，andthenwentback，hopingforbetterluck。
Ofcourseallthechairswereoccupiednow，andfourmensatwaiting，silent，unsociable，distraught，andlookingbored，asmenalwaysdowhoarewaitingtheirturninabarber’sshop。Isatdowninoneoftheiron-armedcompartmentsofanoldsofa，andputinthetimefarawhilereadingtheframedadvertisementsofallsortsofquacknostrumsfordyeingandcoloringthehair。ThenIreadthegreasynamesontheprivatebayrumbottles;readthenamesandnotedthenumbersontheprivateshaving-cupsinthepigeonholes;studiedthestainedanddamagedcheapprintsonthewalls，ofbattles，earlyPresidents，andvoluptuousrecumbentsultanas，andthetiresomeandeverlastingyounggirlputtinghergrandfather’sspectacleson;execratedinmyheartthecheerfulcanaryandthedistractingparrotthatfewbarbers’shopsarewithout。
Finally，Isearchedouttheleastdilapidatedoflastyear’sillustratedpapersthatlitteredthefoulcenter-table，andconnedtheirunjustifiablemisrepresentationsofoldforgottenevents。
Atlastmyturncame。Avoicesaid“Next！”andIsurrenderedto——No。2，ofcourse。Italwayshappensso。IsaidmeeklythatIwasinahurry，anditaffectedhimasstronglyasifhehadneverheardit。Heshovedupmyhead，andputanapkinunderit。Heplowedhisfingersintomycollarandfixedatowelthere。Heexploredmyhairwithhisclawsandsuggestedthatitneededtrimming。IsaidIdidnotwantittrimmed。Heexploredagainandsaiditwasprettylongforthepresentstyle——betterhavealittletakenoff;itneededitbehindespecially。IsaidIhadhaditcutonlyaweekbefore。Heyearnedoveritreflectivelyamoment，andthenaskedwithadisparagingmanner，whocutit？，Icamebackathimpromptlywitha“Youdid！”Ihadhimthere。Thenhefelltostirringuphislatherandregardinghimselfintheglass，stoppingnowandthentogetcloseandexaminehischincriticallyorinspectapimple。Thenhelatheredonesideofmyfacethoroughly，andwasabouttolathertheother，whenadog-fightattractedhisattention，andherantothewindowandstayedandsawitout，losingtwoshillingsontheresultinbetswiththeotherbarbers，athingwhichgavemegreatsatisfaction。Hefinishedlathering，andthenbegantorubinthesudswithhishand。
Henowbegantosharpenhisrazoronanoldsuspender，andwasdelayedagooddealonaccountofacontroversyaboutacheapmasqueradeballhehadfiguredatthenightbefore，inredcambricandbogusermine，assomekindofaking。Hewassogratifiedwithbeingchaffedaboutsomedamselwhomhehadsmittenwithhischarmsthatheusedeverymeanstocontinuethecontroversybypretendingtobeannoyedatthechaffingsofhisfellows。Thismatterbegotmoresurveyingsofhimselfintheglass，andheputdownhisrazorandbrushedhishairwithelaboratecare，plasteringaninvertedarchofitdownonhisforehead，accomplishinganaccurate“Part“behind，andbrushingthetwowingsforwardoverhisearswithniceexactness。Inthemeantimethelatherwasdryingonmyface，andapparentlyeatingintomyvitals。
Nowhebegantoshave，digginghisfingersintomycountenancetostretchtheskinandbundlingandtumblingmyheadthiswayandthatasconvenienceinshavingdemanded。AslongashewasonthetoughsidesofmyfaceIdidnotsuffer;butwhenhebegantorake，andrip，andtugatmychin，thetearscame。Henowmadeahandleofmynose，toassisthimshavingthecornersofmyupperlip，anditwasbythisbitofcircumstantialevidencethatIdiscoveredthatapartofhisdutiesintheshopwastocleanthekerosene-lamps。Ihadoftenwonderedinanindolentwaywhetherthebarbersdidthat，orwhetheritwastheboss。
AboutthistimeIwasamusingmyselftryingtoguesswherehewouldbemostlikelytocutmethistime，buthegotaheadofme，andslicedmeontheendofthechinbeforeIhadgotmymindmadeup。Heimmediatelysharpenedhisrazor——hemighthavedoneitbefore。Idonotlikeacloseshave，andwouldnotlethimgoovermeasecondtime。Itriedtogethimtoputuphisrazor，dreadingthathewouldmakeforthesideofmychin，mypettenderspot，aplacewhicharazorcannottouchtwicewithoutmakingtrouble;buthesaidheonlywantedtojustsmoothoffonelittleroughness，andinthesamemomentheslippedhisrazoralongtheforbiddenground，andthedreadedpimple-signsofacloseshaveroseupsmartingandansweredtothecall。Nowhesoakedhistowelinbayrum，andslappeditallovermyfacenastily;slappeditoverasifahumanbeingeveryetwashedhisfaceinthatway。Thenhedrieditbyslappingwiththedrypartofthetowel，asifahumanbeingeverdriedhisfaceinsuchafashion;butabarberseldomrubsyoulikeaChristian。Nexthepokedbayruinintothecutplacewithhistowel，thenchokedthewoundwithpowderedstarch，thensoakeditwithbayrumagain，andwouldhavegoneonsoakingandpowderingitforevermore，nodoubt，ifIhadnotrebelledandbeggedoff。Hepowderedmywholefacenow，straightenedmeup，andbegantoplowmyhairthoughtfullywithhishands。Thenhesuggestedashampoo，andsaidmyhairneededitbadly，verybadly。
IobservedthatIshampooeditmyselfverythoroughlyinthebathyesterday。I“hadhim“again。Henextrecommendedsomeof“Smith’sHairGlorifier，“andofferedtosellmeabottle。Ideclined。Hepraisedthenewperfume，“Jones’sDelightoftheToilet，“andproposedtosellmesomeofthat。Ideclinedagain。Hetenderedmeatooth-washatrocityofhisowninvention，andwhenIdeclinedofferedtotradekniveswithme。
Hereturnedtobusinessafterthemiscarriageofthislastenterprise，sprinkledmeallover，legsandall，greasedmyhairindefianceofmyprotestagainstit，rubbedandscrubbedagooddealofitoutbytheroots，andcombedandbrushedtherest，partingitbehind，andplasteringtheeternalinvertedarchofhairdownonmyforehead，andthen，whilecombingmyscanteyebrowsanddefilingthemwithpomade，strungoutanaccountoftheachievementsofasix-ounceblack-and-tanterrierofhistillIheardthewhistlesblowfornoon，andknewIwasfiveminutestoolateforthetrain。Thenhesnatchedawaythetowel，brusheditlightlyaboutmyface，passedhiscombthroughmyeyebrowsoncemore，andgailysangout“Next！”
Thisbarberfelldownanddiedofapoplexytwohourslater。Iamwaitingoveradayformyrevenge——Iamgoingtoattendhisfuneral。
“PARTYCRIES“INIRELAND
Belfastisapeculiarlyreligiouscommunity。ThismaybesaidofthewholeoftheNorthofIreland。Aboutone-halfofthepeopleareProtestantsandtheotherhalfCatholics。Eachpartydoesallitcantomakeitsowndoctrinespopularanddrawtheaffectionsoftheirreligioustowardthem。Onehearsconstantlyofthemosttouchinginstancesofthiszeal。AweekagoavastconcourseofCatholicsassembledatArmaghtodedicateanewCathedral;andwhentheystartedhomeagaintheroadwayswerelinedwithgroupsofmeekandlowlyProtestantswhostonedthemtillalltheregionroundaboutwasmarkedwithblood。IthoughtthatonlyCatholicsarguedinthatway，butitseemstobeamistake。
Everymaninthecommunityisamissionaryandcarriesabricktoadmonishtheerringwith。Thelawhastriedtobreakthisup，butnotwithperfectsuccess。Ithasdecreedthatirritating“partycries“shallnotbeindulgedin，andthatpersonsutteringthemshallbefinedfortyshillingsandcosts。Andso，inthepolicecourtreportseveryday，oneseesthesefinesrecorded。Lastweekagirloftwelveyearsoldwasfinedtheusualfortyshillingsandcostsforproclaiminginthepublicstreetsthatshewas“aProtestant。”，Theusualcryis，“TohellwiththePope！”or“TohellwiththeProtestants！”accordingtotheutterer’ssystemofsalvation。
OneofBelfast’slocaljokeswasverygood。Itreferredtotheuniformandinevitablefineoffortyshillingsandcostsforutteringapartycry——anditisnoeconomicalfineforapoorman，either，bytheway。
Theysaythatapolicemanfoundadrunkenmanlyingontheground，upadarkalley，entertaininghimselfwithshouting，“Tohellwith！”“Tohellwith！”Theofficersmeltafine——informersgethalf。
“What’sthatyousay？”
“Tohellwith！”
“Tohellwithwho？，Tohellwithwhat？”
“Ah，bedad，yecanfinishityourself——it’stooexpansiveforme！”
Ithinktheseditiousdisposition，restrainedbytheeconomicalinstinct，isfinelyputinthat。
THEFACTSCONCERNINGTHERECENTRESIGNATION
WASHINGTON，December，1867。
Ihaveresigned。Thegovernmentappearstogoonmuchthesame，butthereisaspokeoutofitswheel，nevertheless。IwasclerkoftheSenateCommitteeonConchology，andIhavethrownuptheposition。
Icouldseetheplainestdispositiononthepartoftheothermembersofthegovernmenttodebarmefromhavinganyvoiceinthecounselsofthenation，andsoIcouldnolongerholdofficeandretainmyself-respect。
IfIweretodetailalltheoutragesthatwereheapeduponmeduringthesixdaysthatIwasconnectedwiththegovernmentinanofficialcapacity，thenarrativewouldfillavolume。TheyappointedmeclerkofthatCommitteeonConchologyandthenallowedmenoamanuensistoplaybilliardswith。Iwouldhavebornethat，lonesomeasitwas，ifIhadmetwiththatcourtesyfromtheothermembersoftheCabinetwhichwasmydue。ButIdidnot。WheneverIobservedthattheheadofadepartmentwaspursuingawrongcourse，Ilaiddowneverythingandwentandtriedtosethimright，asitwasmydutytodo;andIneverwasthankedforitinasingleinstance。Iwent，withthebestintentionsintheworld，totheSecretaryoftheNavy，andsaid：
“Sir，IcannotseethatAdmiralFarragutisdoinganythingbutskirmishingaroundthereinEurope，havingasortofpicnic。Now，thatmaybeallverywell，butitdoesnotexhibititselftomeinthatlight。
Ifthereisnofightingforhimtodo，lethimcomehome。Thereisnouseinamanhavingawholefleetforapleasureexcursion。Itistooexpensive。Mind，Idonotobjecttopleasureexcursionsforthenavalofficers——pleasureexcursionsthatareinreason——pleasureexcursionsthatareeconomical。Now，theymightgodowntheMississippionaraft——“
Yououghttohaveheardhimstorm！，OnewouldhavesupposedIhadcommittedacrimeofsomekind。ButIdidn’tmind。Isaiditwascheap，andfullofrepublicansimplicity，andperfectlysafe。Isaidthat，foratranquilpleasureexcursion，therewasnothingequaltoaraft。
ThentheSecretaryoftheNavyaskedmewhoIwas;andwhenItoldhimI
wasconnectedwiththegovernment，hewantedtoknowinwhatcapacity。I
saidthat，withoutremarkinguponthesingularityofsuchaquestion，coming，asitdid，fromamemberofthatsamegovernment，IwouldinformhimthatIwasclerkoftheSenateCommitteeonConchology。Thentherewasafinestorm！，Hefinishedbyorderingmetoleavethepremises，andgivemyattentionstrictlytomyownbusinessinfuture。Myfirstimpulsewastogethimremoved。However，thatwouldharmothersbesideshimself，anddomenorealgood，andsoIlethimstay。
IwentnexttotheSecretaryofWar，whowasnotinclinedtoseemeatalluntilhelearnedthatIwasconnectedwiththegovernment。IfIhadnotbeenonimportantbusiness，IsupposeIcouldnothavegotin。
Iaskedhimforalight(hewassmokingatthetime)，andthenItoldhimIhadnofaulttofindwithhisdefendingtheparolestipulationsofGeneralLeeandhiscomradesinarms，butthatIcouldnotapproveofhismethodoffightingtheIndiansonthePlains。Isaidhefoughttooscattering。HeoughttogettheIndiansmoretogether——getthemtogetherinsomeconvenientplace，wherehecouldhaveprovisionsenoughforbothparties，andthenhaveageneralmassacre。IsaidtherewasnothingsoconvincingtoanIndianasageneralmassacre。Ifhecouldnotapproveofthemassacre，IsaidthenextsurestthingforanIndianwassoapandeducation。Soapandeducationarenotassuddenasamassacre，buttheyaremoredeadlyinthelongrun;becauseahalf-massacredIndianmayrecover，butifyoueducatehimandwashhim，itisboundtofinishhimsometimeorother。Itundermineshisconstitution;itstrikesatthefoundationofhisbeing。”Sir，“Isaid，“thetimehascomewhenblood-
curdlingcrueltyhasbecomenecessary。Inflictsoapandaspelling-bookoneveryIndianthatravagesthePlains，andletthemdie！”
TheSecretaryofWaraskedmeifIwasamemberoftheCabinet，andI
saidIwas。HeinquiredwhatpositionIheld，andIsaidIwasclerkoftheSenateCommitteeonConchology。Iwasthenorderedunderarrestforcontemptofcourt，andrestrainedofmylibertyforthebestpartoftheday。
Ialmostresolvedtobesilentthenceforward，andlettheGovernmentgetalongthebestwayitcould。Butdutycalled，andIobeyed。IcalledontheSecretaryoftheTreasury。Hesaid：
“Whatwillyouhave？”
Thequestionthrewmeoffmyguard。Isaid，“Rumpunch。”
Hesaid：“Ifyouhavegotanybusinesshere，sir，stateit——andinasfewwordsaspossible。”
IthensaidthatIwassorryhehadseenfittochangethesubjectsoabruptly，becausesuchconductwasveryoffensivetome;butunderthecircumstancesIwouldoverlookthematterandcometothepoint。Inowwentintoanearnestexpostulationwithhimupontheextravagantlengthofhisreport。Isaiditwasexpensive，unnecessary，andawkwardlyconstructed;therewerenodescriptivepassagesinit，nopoetry，nosentimentnoheroes，noplot，nopictures——notevenwood-cuts。Nobodywouldreadit，thatwasaclearcase。Iurgedhimnottoruinhisreputationbygettingoutathinglikethat。Ifheeverhopedtosucceedinliteraturehemustthrowmorevarietyintohiswritings。Hemustbewareofdrydetail。Isaidthatthemainpopularityofthealmanacwasderivedfromitspoetryandconundrums，andthatafewconundrumsdistributedaroundthroughhisTreasuryreportwouldhelpthesaleofitmorethanalltheinternalrevenuehecouldputintoit。Isaidthesethingsinthekindestspirit，andyettheSecretaryoftheTreasuryfellintoaviolentpassion。HeevensaidIwasanass。Heabusedmeinthemostvindictivemanner，andsaidthatifIcamethereagainmeddlingwithhisbusinesshewouldthrowmeoutofthewindow。IsaidIwouldtakemyhatandgo，ifIcouldnotbetreatedwiththerespectduetomyoffice，andIdidgo。Itwasjustlikeanewauthor。Theyalwaysthinktheyknowmorethananybodyelsewhentheyaregettingouttheirfirstbook。
Nobodycantellthemanything。
DuringthewholetimethatIwasconnectedwiththegovernmentitseemedasifIcouldnotdoanythinginanofficialcapacitywithoutgettingmyselfintotrouble。AndyetIdidnothing，attemptednothing，butwhatIconceivedtobeforthegoodofmycountry。Thestingofmywrongsmayhavedrivenmetounjustandharmfulconclusions，butitsurelyseemedtomethattheSecretaryofState，theSecretaryofWar，theSecretaryoftheTreasury，andothersofmyconfrereshadconspiredfromtheverybeginningtodrivemefromtheAdministration。IneverattendedbutoneCabinetmeetingwhileIwasconnectedwiththegovernment。Thatwassufficientforme。TheservantattheWhiteHousedoordidnotseemdisposedtomakewayformeuntilIaskediftheothermembersoftheCabinethadarrived。Hesaidtheyhad，andIentered。Theywereallthere;butnobodyofferedmeaseat。TheystaredatmeasifIhadbeenanintruder。ThePresidentsaid：
“Well，sir，whoareyou？”
Ihandedhimmycard，andheread：“TheHON。MARKTWAIN，ClerkoftheSenateCommitteeonConchology。”，Thenhelookedatmefromheadtofoot，asifhehadneverheardofmebefore。TheSecretaryoftheTreasurysaid：
“Thisisthemeddlesomeassthatcametorecommendmetoputpoetryandconundrumsinmyreport，asifitwereanalmanac。”
TheSecretaryofWarsaid：“ItisthesamevisionarythatcametomeyesterdaywithaschemetoeducateaportionoftheIndianstodeath，andmassacrethebalance。”
TheSecretaryoftheNavysaid：“Irecognizethisyouthasthepersonwhohasbeeninterferingwithmybusinesstimeandagainduringtheweek。HeisdistressedaboutAdmiralFarragut’susingawholefleetforapleasureexcursion，ashetermsit。Hispropositionaboutsomeinsanepleasureexcursiononaraftistooabsurdtorepeat。”
Isaid：“Gentlemen，Iperceivehereadispositiontothrowdiscredituponeveryactofmyofficialcareer;Iperceive，also，adispositiontodebarmefromallvoiceinthecounselsofthenation。Nonoticewhateverwassenttometo-day。ItwasonlybythemerestchancethatI
learnedthattherewasgoingtobeaCabinetmeeting。Butletthesethingspass。AllIwishtoknowis，isthisaCabinetmeetingorisitnot？”
ThePresidentsaiditwas。
“Then，“Isaid，“letusproceedtobusinessatonce，andnotfritterawayvaluabletimeinunbecomingfault-findingswitheachother’sofficialconduct。”
TheSecretaryofStatenowspokeup，inhisbenignantway，andsaid，“Youngman，youarelaboringunderamistake。TheclerksoftheCongressionalcommitteesarenotmembersoftheCabinet。NeitherarethedoorkeepersoftheCapitol，strangeasitmayseem。Therefore，muchaswecoulddesireyourmorethanhumanwisdominourdeliberations，wecannotlawfullyavailourselvesofit。Thecounselsofthenationmustproceedwithoutyou;ifdisasterfollows，asfollowfullwellitmay，beitbalmtoyoursorrowingspiritthatbydeedandvoiceyoudidwhatinyoulaytoavertit。Youhavemyblessing。Farewell。”
Thesegentlewordssoothedmytroubledbreast，andIwentaway。Buttheservantsofanationcanknownopeace。IhadhardlyreachedmydenintheCapitol，anddisposedmyfeetonthetablelikearepresentative，whenoneoftheSenatorsontheConchologicalCommitteecameininapassionandsaid：
“Wherehaveyoubeenallday？”
Iobservedthat，ifthatwasanybody’saffairbutmyown，IhadbeentoaCabinetmeeting。
“ToaCabinetmeeting？，IwouldliketoknowwhatbusinessyouhadataCabinetmeeting？”
IsaidIwenttheretoconsult——allowingforthesakeofargumentthathewasinanywiseconcernedinthematter。Hegrewinsolentthen，andendedbysayinghehadwantedmeforthreedayspasttocopyareportonbomb-shells，egg-shells，clamshells，andIdon’tknowwhatall，connectedwithconchology，andnobodyhadbeenabletofindme。
Thiswastoomuch。Thiswasthefeatherthatbroketheclericalcamel’sback。Isaid，“Sir，doyousupposethatIamgoingtoworkforsixdollarsaday？，Ifthatistheidea，letmerecommendtheSenateCommitteeonConchologytohiresomebodyelse。Iamtheslaveofnofaction！，Takebackyourdegradingcommission。Givemeliberty，orgivemedeath！”
FromthathourIwasnolongerconnectedwiththegovernment。Snubbedbythedepartment，snubbedbytheCabinet，snubbedatlastbythechairmanofacommitteeIwasendeavoringtoadorn，Iyieldedtopersecution，castfarfrommetheperilsandseductionsofmygreatoffice，andforsookmybleedingcountryinthehourofherperil。
ButIhaddonethestatesomeservice，andIsentinmybill：
TheUnitedStatesofAmericainaccountwiththeHon。ClerkoftheSenateCommitteeonConchology，Dr。
ToconsultationwithSecretaryofWar……$50
ToconsultationwithSecretaryofNavy……$50
ToconsultationwithSecretaryoftheTreasury……$50
Cabinetconsultation……Nocharge。
TomileagetoandfromJerusalem，viaEgypt，Algiers，Gibraltar，andCadiz，14，000miles，at20c。amile……$2，800
TosalaryasClerkofSenateCommitteeonConchology，sixdays，at$6perday……$36
Total……$2，986——
[Territorialdelegateschargemileagebothways，althoughtheynevergobackwhentheygethereonce。WhymymileageisdeniedmeismorethanI
canunderstand。]
Notanitemofthisbillhasbeenpaid，exceptthattrifleofthirty-sixdollarsforclerkshipsalary。TheSecretaryoftheTreasury，pursuingmetothelast，drewhispenthroughalltheotheritems，andsimplymarkedinthemargin“Notallowed。”，So，thedreadalternativeisembracedatlast。Repudiationhasbegun！，Thenationislost。
Iamdonewithofficiallifeforthepresent。Letthoseclerkswhoarewillingtobeimposedonremain。IknownumbersoftheminthedepartmentswhoareneverinformedwhenthereistobeaCabinetmeeting，whoseadviceisneveraskedaboutwar，orfinance，orcommerce，bytheheadsofthenation，anymorethaniftheywerenotconnectedwiththegovernment，andwhoactuallystayintheirofficesdayafterdayandwork！，Theyknowtheirimportancetothenation，andtheyunconsciouslyshowitintheirbearing，andthewaytheyordertheirsustenanceattherestaurant——buttheywork。Iknowonewhohastopasteallsortsoflittlescrapsfromthenewspapersintoascrapbook——sometimesasmanyaseightortenscrapsaday。Hedoesn’tdoitwell，buthedoesitaswellashecan。Itisveryfatiguing。Itisexhaustingtotheintellect。
Yetheonlygetseighteenhundreddollarsayear。Withabrainlikehis，thatyoungmancouldamassthousandsandthousandsofdollarsinsomeotherpursuit，ifhechosetodoit。Butno——hisheartiswithhiscountry，andhewillserveheraslongasshehasgotascrapbookleft。
AndIknowclerksthatdon’tknowhowtowriteverywell，butsuchknowledgeastheypossesstheynoblylayatthefeetoftheircountry，andtoilonandsufferfortwenty-fivehundreddollarsayear。Whattheywritehastobewrittenoveragainbyotherclerkssometimes;butwhenamanhasdonehisbestforhiscountry，shouldhiscountrycomplain？，Thenthereareclerksthathavenoclerkships，andarewaiting，andwaiting，andwaitingforavacancy——waitingpatientlyforachancetohelptheircountryout——andwhilethey，arewaiting，theyonlygetbarelytwothousanddollarsayearforit。Itissaditisvery，verysad。WhenamemberofCongresshasafriendwhoisgifted，buthasnoemploymentwhereinhisgreatpowersmaybebroughttobear，heconfershimuponhiscountry，andgiveshimaclerkshipinadepartment。Andtherethatmanhastoslavehislifeout，fightingdocumentsforthebenefitofanationthatneverthinksofhim，neversympathizeswithhim——andallfortwothousandorthreethousanddollarsayear。WhenIshallhavecompletedmylistofalltheclerksintheseveraldepartments，withmystatementofwhattheyhavetodo，andwhattheygetforit，youwillseethattherearenothalfenoughclerks，andthatwhattherearedonotgethalfenoughpay。
HISTORYREPEATSITSELF
ThefollowingIfindinaSandwichIslandpaperwhichsomefriendhassentmefromthattranquilfar-offretreat。ThecoincidencebetweenmyownexperienceandthatheresetdownbythelateMr。BentonissoremarkablethatIcannotforbearpublishingandcommentingupontheparagraph。TheSandwichIslandpapersays：
HowtouchingisthistributeofthelateHon。T。H。Bentontohismother’sinfluence：——’Mymotheraskedmenevertousetobacco;Ihavenevertoucheditfromthattimetothepresentday。Sheaskedmenottogamble，andIhavenevergambled。Icannottellwhoislosingingamesthatarebeingplayed。Sheadmonishedme，too，againstliquor-drinking，andwhatevercapacityforenduranceIhaveatpresent，andwhateverusefulnessImayhaveattainedthroughlife，Iattributetohavingcompliedwithherpiousandcorrectwishes。WhenIwassevenyearsofagesheaskedmenottodrink，andthenImadearesolutionoftotalabstinence;andthatIhaveadheredtoitthroughalltimeIowetomymother。”
Ineversawanythingsocurious。Itisalmostanexactepitomeofmyownmoralcareer——aftersimplysubstitutingagrandmotherforamother。HowwellIremembermygrandmother’saskingmenottousetobacco，goodoldsoul！，Shesaid，“You’reatitagain，areyou，youwhelp？，Nowdon’teverletmecatchyouchewingtobaccobeforebreakfastagain，orIlayI’llblacksnakeyouwithinaninchofyourlife！”Ihavenevertoucheditatthathourofthemorningfromthattimetothepresentday。
Sheaskedmenottogamble。Shewhisperedandsaid，“Putupthosewickedcardsthisminute！——twopairandajack，younumskull，andtheotherfellow’sgotaflush！”
Ineverhavegambledfromthatdaytothis——neveronce——withouta“colddeck“inmypocket。IcannoteventellwhoisgoingtoloseingamesthatarebeingplayedunlessIdealmyself。
WhenIwastwoyearsofagesheaskedmenottodrink，andthenImadearesolutionoftotalabstinence。ThatIhaveadheredtoitandenjoyedthebeneficenteffectsofitthroughalltime，Iowetomygrandmother。
Ihaveneverdrunkadropfromthatdaytothisofanykindofwater。
HONOREDASACURIOSITY
IfyougetintoconversationwithastrangerinHonolulu，andexperiencethatnaturaldesiretoknowwhatsortofgroundyouaretreadingonbyfindingoutwhatmannerofmanyourstrangeris，strikeoutboldlyandaddresshimas“Captain。”，Watchhimnarrowly，andifyouseebyhiscountenancethatyouareonthewrongtrack，askhimwherehepreaches。
Itisasafebetthatheiseitheramissionaryorcaptainofawhaler。
Ibecamepersonallyacquaintedwithseventy-twocaptainsandninety-sixmissionaries。Thecaptainsandministersformone-halfofthepopulation;thethirdfourthiscomposedofcommonKanakasandmercantileforeignersandtheirfamilies;andthefinalfourthismadeupofhighofficersoftheHawaiianGovernment。Andtherearejustaboutcatsenoughforthreeapieceallaround。
Asolemnstrangermetmeinthesuburbsoneday，andsaid：
“Goodmorning，yourreverence。Preachinthestonechurchyonder，nodoubt！”
“No，Idon’t。I’mnotapreacher。”
“Really，Ibegyourpardon，captain。Itrustyouhadagoodseason。Howmuchoil——“
“Oil！，Why，whatdoyoutakemefor？，I’mnotawhaler。”
“Oh！，Ibegathousandpardons，yourExcellency。Major-Generalinthehouseholdtroops，nodoubt？，MinisteroftheInterior，likely？，SecretaryofWar？，FirstGentlemanoftheBedchamber？，CommissioneroftheRoyal——“
“Stuff，man！，I’mnotconnectedinanywaywiththegovernment。”
“Blessmylife！，Thenwhothemischiefareyou？whatthemischiefareyou？andhowthemischiefdidyougethere？andwhereinthunderdidyoucomefrom？”
“I’monlyaprivatepersonage——anunassumingstranger——latelyarrivedfromAmerica。”
“No！，Notamissionary！notawhaler！notamemberofhisMajesty’sgovernment！notevenaSecretaryoftheNavy！，Ah！，Heaven！itistooblissfultobetrue，alas！Idobutdream。Andyetthatnoble，honestcountenance——thoseoblique，ingenuouseyes——thatmassivehead，incapableof——ofanything;yourhand;givemeyourhand，brightwaif。Excusethesetears。ForsixteenwearyyearsIhaveyearnedforamomentlikethis，and——“
Herehisfeelingsweretoomuchforhim，andheswoonedaway。Ipitiedthispoorcreaturefromthebottomofmyheart。Iwasdeeplymoved。
Ishedafewtearsonhim，andkissedhimforhismother。Ithentookwhatsmallchangehehad，and“shoved。”
FIRSTINTERVIEWWITHARTEMUSWARD——[Writtenabout1870。]
Ihadneverseenhimbefore。HebroughtlettersofintroductionfrommutualfriendsinSanFrancisco，andbyinvitationIbreakfastedwithhim。Itwasalmostreligion，thereinthesilver-mines，toprecedesuchamealwithwhiskycocktails。Artemus，withthetruecosmopolitaninstinct，alwaysdeferredtothecustomsofthecountryhewasin，andsoheorderedthreeofthoseabominations。Hingstonwaspresent。IsaidI
wouldrathernotdrinkawhiskycocktail。Isaiditwouldgorighttomyhead，andconfusemesothatIwouldbeinahelplesstangleintenminutes。Ididnotwanttoactlikealunaticbeforestrangers。ButArtemusgentlyinsisted，andIdrankthetreasonablemixtureunderprotest，andfeltallthetimethatIwasdoingathingImightbesorryfor。InaminuteortwoIbegantoimaginethatmyideaswereclouded。
Iwaitedingreatanxietyfortheconversationtoopen，withasortofvaguehopethatmyunderstandingwouldproveclear，afterall，andmymisgivingsgroundless。
Artemusdroppedanunimportantremarkortwo，andthenassumedalookofsuperhumanearnestness，andmadethefollowingastoundingspeech。Hesaid：
“NowthereisonethingIoughttoaskyouaboutbeforeIforgetit。YouhavebeenhereinSilverland——hereinNevada——twoorthreeyears，and，ofcourse，yourpositiononthedailypresshasmadeitnecessaryforyoutogodownintheminesandexaminethemcarefullyindetail，andthereforeyouknowallaboutthesilver-miningbusiness。NowwhatIwanttogetatis——is，well，thewaythedepositsoforearemade，youknow。
Forinstance。Now，asIunderstandit，theveinwhichcontainsthesilverissandwichedinbetweencasingsofgranite，andrunsalongtheground，andsticksuplikeacurbstone。Well，takeaveinfortyfeetthick，forexample，oreighty，forthatmatter，orevenahundred——sayyougodownonitwithashaft，straightdown，youknow，orwithwhatyoucall’incline’maybeyougodownfivehundredfeet，ormaybeyoudon’tgodownbuttwohundred——anyway，yougodown，andallthetimethisveingrowsnarrower，whenthecasingscomenearerorapproacheachother，youmaysay——thatis，whentheydoapproach，which，ofcourse，theydonotalwaysdo，particularlyincaseswherethenatureoftheformationissuchthattheystandapartwiderthantheyotherwisewould，andwhichgeologyhasfailedtoaccountfor，althougheverythinginthatsciencegoestoprovethat，allthingsbeingequal，itwouldifitdidnot，orwouldnotcertainlyifitdid，andthen，ofcourse，theyare。Donotyouthinkitis？”
Isaidtomyself：
“NowIjustknewhowitwouldbe——thatwhiskycocktailhasdonethebusinessforme;Idon’tunderstandanymorethanaclam。”
AndthenIsaidaloud：
“I——I——thatis——ifyoudon’tmind，wouldyou——wouldyousaythatoveragain？，Iought——“
“Oh，certainly，certainly！，YouseeIamveryunfamiliarwiththesubject，andperhapsIdon’tpresentmycaseclearly，butI——“
“No，no-no，no-youstateitplainenough，butthatcocktailhasmuddledmealittle。ButIwillno，Idounderstandforthatmatter;butIwouldgetthehangofitallthebetterifyouwentoveritagain-andI’llpaybetterattentionthistime。
Hesaid;“Why，whatIwasafterwasthis。”
[Herehebecameevenmorefearfullyimpressivethanever，andemphasizedeachparticularpointbycheckingitoffonhisfinger-ends。]
“Thisvein，orlode，orledge，orwhateveryoucallit，runsalongbetweentwolayersofgranite，justthesameasifitwereasandwich。
Verywell。Nowsupposeyougodownonthat，sayathousandfeet，ormaybetwelvehundred(itdon’treallymatter)beforeyoudrift，andthenyoustartyourdrifts，someofthemacrosstheledge，andothersalongthelengthofit，wherethesulphurets——Ibelievetheycallthemsulphurets，thoughwhytheyshould，consideringthat，sofarasIcansee，themaindependenceofaminerdoesnotsolie，assomesuppose，butinwhichitcannotbesuccessfullymaintained，whereinthesameshouldnotcontinue，whilepartandparcelofthesameorenotcommittedtoeitherinthesensereferredto，whereas，underdifferentcircumstances，themostinexperiencedamonguscouldnotdetectitifitwere，ormightoverlookitifitdid，orscorntheveryideaofsuchathing，eventhoughitwerepalpablydemonstratedassuch。AmInotright？”
Isaid，sorrowfully：“Ifeelashamedofmyself，Mr。Ward。IknowI
oughttounderstandyouperfectlywell，butyouseethattreacherouswhiskycocktailhasgotintomyhead，andnowIcannotunderstandeventhesimplestproposition。Itoldyouhowitwouldbe。”
“Oh，don’tmindit，don’tmindit;thefaultwasmyown，nodoubt——thoughIdidthinkitclearenoughfor——“
“Don’tsayaword。Clear！，Why，youstateditasclearasthesuntoanybodybutanabjectidiot;butit’sthatconfoundedcocktailthathasplayedthemischief。”
“No;nowdon’tsaythat。I’llbeginitalloveragain，and——“
“Don’tnow——forgoodness’sake，don’tdoanythingofthekind，becauseI
tellyoumyheadisinsuchaconditionthatIdon’tbelieveIcouldunderstandthemosttriflingquestionamancouldaskme。
“Nowdon’tyoubeafraid。I’llputitsoplainthistimethatyoucan’thelpbutgetthehangofit。Wewillbeginattheverybeginning。”
[Leaningfaracrossthetable，withdeterminedimpressivenesswroughtuponhiseveryfeature，andfingerspreparedtokeeptallyofeachpointenumerated;andI，leaningforwardwithpainfulinterest，resolvedtocomprehendorperish。]，“Youknowthevein，theledge，thethingthatcontainsthemetal，wherebyitconstitutesthemediumbetweenallotherforces，whetherofpresentorremoteagencies，sobroughttobearinfavoroftheformeragainstthelatter，orthelatteragainsttheformerorall，orboth，orcompromisingtherelativedifferencesexistingwithintheradiuswhenceculminatetheseveraldegreesofsimilaritytowhich——“
Isaid：“Oh，hangmywoodenhead，itain’tanyuse！——itain’tanyusetotry——Ican’tunderstandanything。TheplaineryougetitthemoreI
can’tgetthehangofit。”
Iheardasuspiciousnoisebehindme，andturnedintimetoseeHingstondodgingbehindanewspaper，andquakingwithagentleecstasyoflaughter。IlookedatWardagain，andhehadthrownoffhisdreadsolemnityandwaslaughingalso。ThenIsawthatIhadbeensold——thatI
hadbeenmadeavictimofaswindleinthewayofastringofplausiblywordedsentencesthatdidn’tmeananythingunderthesun。ArtemusWardwasoneofthebestfellowsintheworld，andoneofthemostcompanionable。Ithasbeensaidthathewasnotfluentinconversation，but，withtheaboveexperienceinmymind，Idiffer。
CANNIBALISMINTHECARS——[Writtenabort1867。]
IvisitedSt。Louislately，andonmywayWest，afterchangingcarsatTerreHaute，Indiana，amild，benevolent-lookinggentlemanofaboutforty-five，ormaybefifty，cameinatoneoftheway-stationsandsatdownbesideme。Wetalkedtogetherpleasantlyonvarioussubjectsforanhour，perhaps，andIfoundhimexceedinglyintelligentandentertaining。
WhenhelearnedthatIwasfromWashington，heimmediatelybegantoaskquestionsaboutvariouspublicmen，andaboutCongressionalaffairs;andIsawveryshortlythatIwasconversingwithamanwhowasperfectlyfamiliarwiththeinsandoutsofpoliticallifeattheCapital，eventothewaysandmanners，andcustomsofprocedureofSenatorsandRepresentativesintheChambersofthenationalLegislature。Presentlytwomenhaltednearusforasinglemoment，andonesaidtotheother：
“Harris，ifyou’lldothatforme，I’llneverforgetyou，myboy。”
Mynewcomrade’seyelightedpleasantly。Thewordshadtoucheduponahappymemory，Ithought。Thenhisfacesettledintothoughtfulness——
almostintogloom。Heturnedtomeandsaid，“Letmetellyouastory;letmegiveyouasecretchapterofmylife——
achapterthathasneverbeenreferredtobymesinceitseventstranspired。Listenpatiently，andpromisethatyouwillnotinterruptme。”
IsaidIwouldnot，andherelatedthefollowingstrangeadventure，speakingsometimeswithanimation，sometimeswithmelancholy，butalwayswithfeelingandearnestness。
THESTRANGER’SNARRATIVE
“Onthe19thofDecember，1853，IstartedfromSt。LouisontheeveningtrainboundforChicago。Therewereonlytwenty-fourpassengers，alltold。Therewerenoladiesandnochildren。Wewereinexcellentspirits，andpleasantacquaintanceshipsweresoonformed。Thejourneybadefairtobeahappyone;andnoindividualintheparty，Ithink，hadeventhevaguestpresentimentofthehorrorsweweresoontoundergo。
“At11P。m。itbegantosnowhard。ShortlyafterleavingthesmallvillageofWelden，weentereduponthattremendousprairiesolitudethatstretchesitsleaguesonleaguesofhouselessdrearinessfarawaytowardthejubileeSettlements。Thewinds，unobstructedbytreesorhills，orevenvagrantrocks，whistledfiercelyacrosstheleveldesert，drivingthefallingsnowbeforeitlikesprayfromthecrestedwavesofastormysea。Thesnowwasdeepeningfast;andweknew，bythediminishedspeedofthetrain，thattheenginewasplowingthroughitwithsteadilyincreasingdifficulty。Indeed，italmostcametoadeadhaltsometimes，inthemidstofgreatdriftsthatpiledthemselveslikecolossalgravesacrossthetrack。Conversationbegantoflag。Cheerfulnessgaveplacetograveconcern。Thepossibilityofbeingimprisonedinthesnow，onthebleakprairie，fiftymilesfromanyhouse，presenteditselftoeverymind，andextendeditsdepressinginfluenceovereveryspirit。
“Attwoo’clockinthemorningIwasarousedoutofanuneasyslumberbytheceasingofallmotionaboutme。Theappallingtruthflasheduponmeinstantly——wewerecaptivesinasnow-drift！，’Allhandstotherescue！’
Everymansprangtoobey。Outintothewildnight，thepitchydarkness，thebillowysnow，thedrivingstorm，everysoulleaped，withtheconsciousnessthatamomentlostnowmightbringdestructiontousall。
Shovels，hands，boards——anything，everythingthatcoulddisplacesnow，wasbroughtintoinstantrequisition。Itwasaweirdpicture，thatsmallcompanyoffranticmenfightingthebankingsnows，halfintheblackestshadowandhalfintheangrylightofthelocomotive’sreflector。
“Oneshorthoursufficedtoprovetheutteruselessnessofourefforts。
Thestormbarricadedthetrackwithadozendriftswhilewedugoneaway。
Andworsethanthis，itwasdiscoveredthatthelastgrandchargetheenginehadmadeupontheenemyhadbrokenthefore-and-aftshaftofthedriving-wheel！，Withafreetrackbeforeusweshouldstillhavebeenhelpless。Weenteredthecarweariedwithlabor，andverysorrowful。
Wegatheredaboutthestoves，andgravelycanvassedoursituation。Wehadnoprovisionswhatever——inthislayourchiefdistress。Wecouldnotfreeze，fortherewasagoodsupplyofwoodinthetender。Thiswasouronlycomfort。Thediscussionendedatlastinacceptingthedishearteningdecisionoftheconductor，viz。thatitwouldbedeathforanymantoattempttotravelfiftymilesonfootthroughsnowlikethat。
Wecouldnotsendforhelp，andevenifwecoulditwouldnotcome。Wemustsubmit，andawait，aspatientlyaswemight，succororstarvation！
Ithinkthestoutesthearttherefeltamomentarychillwhenthosewordswereuttered。
“Withinthehourconversationsubsidedtoalowmurmurhereandthereaboutthecar，caughtfitfullybetweentherisingandfallingoftheblast;thelampsgrewdim;andthemajorityofthecastawayssettledthemselvesamongtheflickeringshadowstothink——toforgetthepresent，iftheycould——tosleep，iftheymight。
“Theeternalnight-itsurelyseemedeternaltous-woreitslagginghoursawayatlast，andthecoldgraydawnbrokeintheeast。Asthelightgrewstrongerthepassengersbegantostirandgivesignsoflife，oneafteranother，andeachinturnpushedhisslouchedhatupfromhisforehead，stretchedhisstiffenedlimbs，andglancedoutofthewindowsuponthecheerlessprospect。Itwascheerless，indeed！-notalivingthingvisibleanywhere，notahumanhabitation;nothingbutavastwhitedesert;upliftedsheetsofsnowdriftinghitherandthitherbeforethewind——aworldofeddyingflakesshuttingoutthefirmamentabove。
“Alldaywemopedaboutthecars，sayinglittle，thinkingmuch。Anotherlingeringdrearynight——andhunger。
“Anotherdawning——anotherdayofsilence，sadness，wastinghunger，hopelesswatchingforsuccorthatcouldnotcome。Anightofrestlessslumber，filledwithdreamsoffeasting——wakingsdistressedwiththegnawingsofhunger。
“Thefourthdaycameandwent——andthefifth！，Fivedaysofdreadfulimprisonment！，Asavagehungerlookedoutateveryeye。Therewasinitasignofawfulimport——theforeshadowingofasomethingthatwasvaguelyshapingitselfineveryheart——asomethingwhichnotonguedaredyettoframeintowords。
“Thesixthdaypassed——theseventhdawneduponasgauntandhaggardandhopelessacompanyofmenaseverstoodintheshadowofdeath。Itmustoutnow！，Thatthingwhichhadbeengrowingupineveryheartwasreadytoleapfromeverylipatlast！，Naturehadbeentaxedtotheutmost——shemustyield。RICHARDH。GASTONofMinnesota，tall，cadaverous，andpale，roseup。Allknewwhatwascoming。Allprepared——everyemotion，everysemblanceofexcitement——wassmothered——onlyacalm，thoughtfulseriousnessappearedintheeyesthatwerelatelysowild。
“’Gentlemen：Itcannotbedelayedlonger！，Thetimeisathand！，Wemustdeterminewhichofusshalldietofurnishfoodfortherest！’
“MR。JOHNJ。WILLIAMSofIllinoisroseandsaid：’Gentlemen——InominatetheRev。JamesSawyerofTennessee。’
“MR。Wm。R。ADAMSofIndianasaid：’InominateMr。DanielSloteofNewYork。’
“MR。CHARLESJ。LANGDON：’InominateMr。SamuelA。BowenofSt。Louis。’
“MR。SLOTE：’Gentlemen——IdesiretodeclineinfavorofMr。JohnA。VanNostrand，Jun。ofNewJersey。’
“MR。GASTON：’Iftherebenoobjection，thegentleman’sdesirewillbeaccededto。’
“MR。VANNOSTRANDobjecting，theresignationofMr。Slotewasrejected。
TheresignationsofMessrs。SawyerandBowenwerealsooffered，andrefuseduponthesamegrounds。
“MR。A。L。BASCOMofOhio：’Imovethatthenominationsnowclose，andthattheHouseproceedtoanelectionbyballot。’
“MR。SAWYER：’Gentlemen——Iprotestearnestlyagainsttheseproceedings。
Theyare，ineveryway，irregularandunbecoming。Imustbegtomovethattheybedroppedatonce，andthatweelectachairmanofthemeetingandproperofficerstoassisthim，andthenwecangoonwiththebusinessbeforeusunderstandingly。’
“MR。BELLofIowa：’Gentlemen——Iobject。Thisisnotimetostanduponformsandceremoniousobservances。Formorethansevendayswehavebeenwithoutfood。Everymomentweloseinidlediscussionincreasesourdistress。Iamsatisfiedwiththenominationsthathavebeenmade——everygentlemanpresentis，Ibelieve——andI，forone，donotseewhyweshouldnotproceedatoncetoelectoneormoreofthem。Iwishtoofferaresolution——’
“MR。GASTON：’Itwouldbeobjectedto，andhavetolieoveronedayundertherules，thusbringingabouttheverydelayyouwishtoavoid。ThegentlemanfromNewJersey——’
“MR。VANNOSTRAND：’Gentlemen——Iamastrangeramongyou;Ihavenotsoughtthedistinctionthathasbeenconferreduponme，andIfeeladelicacy——’
“MR。MORGANOfAlabama(interrupting)：’Imovethepreviousquestion。’
“Themotionwascarried，andfurtherdebateshutoff，ofcourse。Themotiontoelectofficerswaspassed，andunderitMr。Gastonwaschosenchairman，Mr。Blake，secretary，Messrs。Holcomb，Dyer，andBaldwinacommitteeonnominations，andMr。R。M。Howland，purveyor，toassistthecommitteeinmakingselections。
“Arecessofhalfanhourwasthentaken，andsomelittlecaucusingfollowed。Atthesoundofthegavelthemeetingreassembled，andthecommitteereportedinfavorofMessrs。GeorgeFergusonofKentucky，LucienHerrmanofLouisiana，andW。MessickofColoradoascandidates。
Thereportwasaccepted。
“MR。ROGERSofMissouri：’Mr。PresidentThereportbeingproperlybeforetheHousenow，ImovetoamenditbysubstitutingforthenameofMr。
HerrmanthatofMr。LuciusHarrisofSt。Louis，whoiswellandhonorablyknowntousall。IdonotwishtobeunderstoodascastingtheleastreflectionuponthehighcharacterandstandingofthegentlemanfromLouisianafarfromit。Irespectandesteemhimasmuchasanygentlemanherepresentpossiblycan;butnoneofuscanbeblindtothefactthathehaslostmorefleshduringtheweekthatwehavelainherethananyamongus——noneofuscanbeblindtothefactthatthecommitteehasbeenderelictinitsduty，eitherthroughnegligenceoragraverfault，inthusofferingforoursuffragesagentlemanwho，howeverpurehisownmotivesmaybe，hasreallylessnutrimentinhim——’
“THECHAIR：’ThegentlemanfromMissouriwilltakehisseat。TheChaircannotallowtheintegrityofthecommitteetobequestionedsavebytheregularcourse，undertherules。WhatactionwilltheHousetakeuponthegentleman’smotion？’
“MR。HALLIDAYofVirginia：’ImovetofurtheramendthereportbysubstitutingMr。HarveyDavisofOregonforMr。Messick。ItmaybeurgedbygentlementhatthehardshipsandprivationsofafrontierlifehaverenderedMr。Davistough;but，gentlemen，isthisatimetocavilattoughness？，Isthisatimetobefastidiousconcerningtrifles？，Isthisatimetodisputeaboutmattersofpaltrysignificance？，No，gentlemen，bulkiswhatwedesire——substance，weight，bulk——thesearethesupremerequisitesnow——nottalent，notgenius，noteducation。Iinsistuponmymotion。’
“MR。MORGAN(excitedly)：’Mr。Chairman——Idomoststrenuouslyobjecttothisamendment。ThegentlemanfromOregonisold，andfurthermoreisbulkyonlyinbone——notinflesh。IaskthegentlemanfromVirginiaifitissoupwewantinsteadofsolidsustenance？ifhewoulddeludeuswithshadows？，ifhewouldmockoursufferingwithanOregonianspecter？
Iaskhimifhecanlookupontheanxiousfacesaroundhim，ifhecangazeintooursadeyes，ifhecanlistentothebeatingofourexpectanthearts，andstillthrustthisfamine-strickenfrauduponus？，Iaskhimifhecanthinkofourdesolatestate，ofourpastsorrows，ofourdarkfuture，andstillunpityinglyfoistuponusthiswreck，thisruin，thistotteringswindle，thisgnarledandblightedandsaplessvagabondfromOregon’shospitableshores？，Never！’[Applause。]
“Theamendmentwasputtovote，afterafierydebate，andlost。Mr。
Harriswassubstitutedonthefirstamendment。Theballotingthenbegan。
Fiveballotswereheldwithoutachoice。Onthesixth，Mr。Harriswaselected，allvotingforhimbuthimself。Itwasthenmovedthathiselectionshouldberatifiedbyacclamation，whichwaslost，inconsequenceofhisagainvotingagainsthimself。
“MR。RADWAYmovedthattheHousenowtakeuptheremainingcandidates，andgointoanelectionforbreakfast。Thiswascarried。
“Onthefirstballot——therewasatie，halfthemembersfavoringonecandidateonaccountofhisyouth，andhalffavoringtheotheronaccountofhissuperiorsize。ThePresidentgavethecastingvoteforthelatter，Mr。Messick。ThisdecisioncreatedconsiderabledissatisfactionamongthefriendsofMr。Ferguson，thedefeatedcandidate，andtherewassometalkofdemandinganewballot;butinthemidstofitamotiontoadjournwascarried，andthemeetingbrokeupatonce。
“ThepreparationsforsupperdivertedtheattentionoftheFergusonfactionfromthediscussionoftheirgrievanceforalongtime，andthen，whentheywouldhavetakenitupagain，thehappyannouncementthatMr。
Harriswasreadydroveallthoughtofittothewinds。
“Weimprovisedtablesbyproppingupthebacksofcar-seats，andsatdownwithheartsfullofgratitudetothefinestsupperthathadblessedourvisionforseventorturingdays。Howchangedwewerefromwhatwehadbeenafewshorthoursbefore！，Hopeless，sad-eyedmisery，hunger，feverishanxiety，desperation，then;thankfulness，serenity，joytoodeepforutterancenow。ThatIknowwasthecheeriesthourofmyeventfullife。Thewindshowled，andblewthesnowwildlyaboutourprisonhouse，buttheywerepowerlesstodistressusanymore。IlikedHarris。Hemighthavebeenbetterdone，perhaps，butIamfreetosaythatnomaneveragreedwithmebetterthanHarris，oraffordedmesolargeadegreeofsatisfaction。Messickwasverywell，thoughratherhigh-flavored，butforgenuinenutritiousnessanddelicacyoffiber，givemeHarris。
Messickhadhisgoodpoints——Iwillnotattempttodenyit，nordoIwishtodoitbuthewasnomorefittedforbreakfastthanamummywouldbe，sir——notabit。Lean？——why，blessme！——andtough？，Ah，hewasverytough！，Youcouldnotimagineit——youcouldneverimagineanythinglikeit。”
“Doyoumeantotellmethat——“
“Donotinterruptme，please。AfterbreakfastweelectedamanbythenameofWalker，fromDetroit，forsupper。Hewasverygood。Iwrotehiswifesoafterward。Hewasworthyofallpraise。IshallalwaysrememberWalker。Hewasalittlerare，butverygood。AndthenthenextmorningwehadMorganofAlabamaforbreakfast。HewasoneofthefinestmenI
eversatdowntohandsome，educated，refined，spokeseverallanguagesfluentlyaperfectgentlemanhewasaperfectgentleman，andsingularlyjuicy。ForsupperwehadthatOregonpatriarch，andhewasafraud，thereisnoquestionaboutit——old，scraggy，tough，nobodycanpicturethereality。Ifinallysaid，gentlemen，youcandoasyoulike，butI
willwaitforanotherelection。AndGrimesofIllinoissaid，’Gentlemen，Iwillwaitalso。Whenyouelectamanthathassomethingtorecommendhim，Ishallbegladtojoinyouagain。’，ItsoonbecameevidentthattherewasgeneraldissatisfactionwithDavisofOregon，andso，topreservethegoodwillthathadprevailedsopleasantlysincewehadhadHarris，anelectionwascalled，andtheresultofitwasthatBakerofGeorgiawaschosen。Hewassplendid！，Well，well——afterthatwehadDoolittle，andHawkins，andMcElroy(therewassomecomplaintaboutMcElroy，becausehewasuncommonlyshortandthin)，andPenrod，andtwoSmiths，andBailey(Baileyhadawoodenleg，whichwasclearloss，buthewasotherwisegood)，andanIndianboy，andanorgan-grinder，andagentlemanbythenameofBuckminster——apoorstickofavagabondthatwasn’tanygoodforcompanyandnoaccountforbreakfast。Weweregladwegothimelectedbeforereliefcame。”
