“Andsotheblessedreliefdidcomeatlast？”
“Yes，itcameonebright，sunnymorning，justafterelection。JohnMurphywasthechoice，andthereneverwasabetter，Iamwillingtotestify;butJohnMurphycamehomewithus，inthetrainthatcametosuccorus，andlivedtomarrythewidowHarris——“
“Relictof——“
“Relictofourfirstchoice。Hemarriedher，andishappyandrespectedandprosperousyet。Ah，itwaslikeanovel，sir——itwaslikearomance。
Thisismystopping-place，sir;Imustbidyougoodby。Anytimethatyoucanmakeitconvenienttotarryadayortwowithme，Ishallbegladtohaveyou。Ilikeyou，sir;Ihaveconceivedanaffectionforyou。
IcouldlikeyouaswellasIlikedHarrishimself，sir。Goodday，sir，andapleasantjourney。”
Hewasgone。Ineverfeltsostunned，sodistressed，sobewilderedinmylife。ButinmysoulIwasgladhewasgone。Withallhisgentlenessofmannerandhissoftvoice，Ishudderedwheneverheturnedhishungryeyeuponme;andwhenIheardthatIhadachievedhisperilousaffection，andthatIstoodalmostwiththelateHarrisinhisesteem，myheartfairlystoodstill！
Iwasbewilderedbeyonddescription。Ididnotdoubthisword;Icouldnotquestionasingleiteminastatementsostampedwiththeearnestnessoftruthashis;butitsdreadfuldetailsoverpoweredme，andthrewmythoughtsintohopelessconfusion。Isawtheconductorlookingatme。
Isaid，“Whoisthatman？”
“HewasamemberofCongressonce，andagoodone。Buthegotcaughtinasnow-driftinthecars，andliketohavebeenstarvedtodeath。Hegotsofrost-bittenandfrozenupgenerally，andusedupforwantofsomethingtoeat，thathewassickandoutofhisheadtwoorthreemonthsafterward。Heisallrightnow，onlyheisamonomaniac，andwhenhegetsonthatoldsubjectheneverstopstillhehaseatupthatwholecar-loadofpeoplehetalksabout。Hewouldhavefinishedthecrowdbythistime，onlyhehadtogetouthere。HehasgottheirnamesaspatasABC。Whenhegetsthemalleatupbuthimself，healwayssays：’Thenthehourfortheusualelectionforbreakfasthavingarrived;andtherebeingnoopposition，Iwasdulyelected，afterwhich，therebeingnoobjectionsoffered，Iresigned。ThusIamhere。’“
IfeltinexpressiblyrelievedtoknowthatIhadonlybeenlisteningtotheharmlessvagariesofamadmaninsteadofthegenuineexperiencesofabloodthirstycannibal。
THEKILLINGOFJULIUSCAESAR“LOCALIZED“——[Writtenabout1865。]
Beingtheonlytrueandreliableaccounteverpublished;takenfromtheRoman“DailyEveningFasces，“ofthedateofthattremendousoccurrence。
Nothingintheworldaffordsanewspaperreportersomuchsatisfactionasgatheringupthedetailsofabloodyandmysteriousmurderandwritingthemupwithaggravatingcircumstantiality。Hetakesalivingdelightinthislaboroflove——forsuchitistohim，especiallyifheknowsthatalltheotherpapershavegonetopress，andhiswillbetheonlyonethatwillcontainthedreadfulintelligence。AfeelingofregrethasoftencomeovermethatIwasnotreportinginRomewhenCaesarwaskilled——reportingonaneveningpaper，andtheonlyoneinthecity，andgettingatleasttwelvehoursaheadofthemorning-paperboyswiththismostmagnificent“item“thateverfelltothelotofthecraft。Othereventshavehappenedasstartlingasthis，butnonethatpossessedsopeculiarlyallthecharacteristicsofthefavorite“item“ofthepresentday，magnifiedintograndeurandsublimitybythehighrank，fame，andsocialandpoliticalstandingoftheactorsinit。
However，asIwasnotpermittedtoreportCaesar’sassassinationintheregularway，ithasatleastaffordedmeraresatisfactiontotranslatethefollowingableaccountofitfromtheoriginalLatinoftheRomanDailyEveningFascesofthatdate——secondedition：
OurusuallyquietcityofRomewasthrownintoastateofwildexcitementyesterdaybytheoccurrenceofoneofthosebloodyaffrayswhichsickentheheartandfillthesoulwithfear，whiletheyinspireallthinkingmenwithforebodingsforthefutureofacitywherehumanlifeisheldsocheaplyandthegravestlawsaresoopenlysetatdefiance。Astheresultofthataffray，itisourpainfulduty，aspublicjournalists，torecordthedeathofoneofourmostesteemedcitizens——amanwhosenameisknownwhereverthispapercirculates，andwherefameithasbeenourpleasureandourprivilegetoextend，andalsotoprotectfromthetongueofslanderandfalsehood，tothebestofourpoorability。WerefertoMr。J。Caesar，theEmperor-elect。
Thefactsofthecase，asnearlyasourreportercoulddeterminethemfromtheconflictingstatementsofeye-witnesses，wereaboutasfollows：-
Theaffairwasanelectionrow，ofcourse。Nine-tenthsoftheghastlybutcheriesthatdisgracethecitynowadaysgrowoutofthebickeringsandjealousiesandanimositiesengenderedbytheseaccursedelections。Romewouldbethegainerbyitifherveryconstableswereelectedtoserveacentury;forinourexperiencewehaveneverevenbeenabletochooseadog-pelterwithoutcelebratingtheeventwithadozenknockdownsandageneralcrammingofthestation-housewithdrunkenvagabondsovernight。
ItissaidthatwhentheimmensemajorityforCaesaratthepollsinthemarketwasdeclaredtheotherday，andthecrownwasofferedtothatgentleman，evenhisamazingunselfishnessinrefusingitthreetimeswasnotsufficienttosavehimfromthewhisperedinsultsofsuchmenasCasca，oftheTenthWard，andotherhirelingsofthedisappointedcandidate，hailingmostlyfromtheEleventhandThirteenthandotheroutsidedistricts，whowereoverheardspeakingironicallyandcontemptuouslyofMr。Caesar’sconductuponthatoccasion。
WearefurtherinformedthattherearemanyamonguswhothinktheyarejustifiedinbelievingthattheassassinationofJuliusCaesarwasaput-
upthing——acut-and-driedarrangement，hatchedbyMarcusBrutusandalotofhishiredroughs，andcarriedoutonlytoofaithfullyaccordingtotheprogram。Whethertherebegoodgroundsforthissuspicionornot，weleavetothepeopletojudgeforthemselves，onlyaskingthattheywillreadthefollowingaccountofthesadoccurrencecarefullyanddispassionatelybeforetheyrenderthatjudgment。
TheSenatewasalreadyinsession，andCaesarwascomingdownthestreettowardthecapitol，conversingwithsomepersonalfriends，andfollowed，asusual，byalargenumberofcitizens。JustashewaspassinginfrontofDemosthenesandThucydides’drugstore，hewasobservingcasuallytoagentleman，who，ourinformantthinks，isafortune-teller，thattheIdesofMarchwerecome。Thereplywas，“Yes，theyarecome，butnotgoneyet。”，AtthismomentArtemidorussteppedupandpassedthetimeofday，andaskedCaesartoreadascheduleoratractorsomethingofthekind，whichhehadbroughtforhisperusal。Mr。DeciusBrutusalsosaidsomethingaboutan“humblesuit“whichhewantedread。Artexnidorusbeggedthatattentionmightbepaidtohisfirst，becauseitwasofpersonalconsequencetoCaesar。Thelatterrepliedthatwhatconcernedhimselfshouldbereadlast，orwordstothateffect。Artemidorusbeggedandbeseechedhimtoreadthepaperinstantly！——[Markthat：ItishintedbyWilliamShakespeare，whosawthebeginningandtheendoftheunfortunateaffray，thatthis“schedule“wassimplyanotediscoveringtoCaesarthataplotwasbrewingtotakehislife。]——，However，Caesarshookhimoff，andrefusedtoreadanypetitioninthestreet。Hethenenteredthecapitol，andthecrowdfollowedhim。
Aboutthistimethefollowingconversationwasoverheard，andweconsiderthat，takeninconnectionwiththeeventswhichsucceededit，itbearsanappallingsignificance：，Mr。PapiliusLenaremarkedtoGeorgeW。Cassias(commonlyknownasthe“NobbyBoyoftheThirdWard“)，abruiserinthepayoftheOpposition，thathehopedhisenterpriseto-daymightthrive;
andwhenCassiasasked“Whatenterprise？”heonlyclosedhislefteyetemporarilyandsaidwithsimulatedindifference，“Fareyouwell，“andsaunteredtowardCaesar。MarcusBrutus，whoissuspectedofbeingtheringleaderofthebandthatkilledCaesar，askedwhatitwasthatLenahadsaid。Cassiastoldhim，andaddedinalowtone，“Ifearourpurposeisdiscovered。”
BrutustoldhiswretchedaccomplicetokeepaneyeonLena，andamomentafterCassiasurgedthatleanandhungryvagrant，Casca，whosereputationhereisnoneofthebest，tobesudden，forhefearedprevention。HethenturnedtoBrutus，apparentlymuchexcited，andaskedwhatshouldbedone，andsworethateitherheorCaesarwouldneverturnback——hewouldkillhimselffirst。AtthistimeCaesarwastalkingtosomeoftheback-
countrymembersabouttheapproachingfallelections，andpayinglittleattentiontowhatwasgoingonaroundhim。BillyTreboniusgotintoconversationwiththepeople’sfriendandCaesar’s——MarkAntony——andundersomepretenseorothergothimaway，andBrutus，Decius，Casca，Cinna，MetellusCimber，andothersofthegangofinfamousdesperadoesthatinfestRomeatpresent，closedaroundthedoomedCaesar。ThenMetellusCimberkneltdownandbeggedthathisbrothermightberecalledfrombanishment，butCaesarrebukedhimforhisfawningconduct，andrefusedtogranthispetition。Immediately，atCimber’srequest，firstBrutusandthenCassiasbeggedforthereturnofthebanishedPublius;
butCaesarstillrefused。Hesaidhecouldnotbemoved;thathewasasfixedastheNorthStar，andproceededtospeakinthemostcomplimentarytermsofthefirmnessofthatstaranditssteadycharacter。Thenhesaidhewaslikeit，andhebelievedhewastheonlymaninthecountrythatwas;therefore，sincehewas“constant“thatCimbershouldbebanished，hewasalso“constant“thatheshouldstaybanished，andhe’dbehangedifhedidn’tkeephimso！
Instantlyseizinguponthisshallowpretextforafight，CascasprangatCaesarandstruckhimwithadirk，Caesargrabbinghimbythearmwithhisrighthand，andlaunchingablowstraightfromtheshoulderwithhisleft，thatsentthereptilebleedingtotheearth。HethenbackedupagainstPompey’sstatue，andsquaredhimselftoreceivehisassailants。
CassiasandCimberandCinnarushed，uponhimwiththeirdaggersdrawn，andtheformersucceededininflictingawounduponhisbody;butbeforehecouldstrikeagain，andbeforeeitheroftheotherscouldstrikeatall，Caesarstretchedthethreemiscreantsathisfeetwithasmanyblowsofhispowerfulfist。BythistimetheSenatewasinanindescribableuproar;thethrongofcitizensisthelobbieshadblockadedthedoorsintheirfranticeffortstoescapefromthebuilding，thesergeant-at-armsandhisassistantswerestrugglingwiththeassassins，venerablesenatorshadcastasidetheirencumberingrobes，andwereleapingoverbenchesandflyingdowntheaislesinwildconfusiontowardtheshelterofthecommittee-rooms，andathousandvoiceswereshouting“Po-lice！，Po-lice！”
indiscordanttonesthatroseabovethefrightfuldinlikeshriekingwindsabovetheroaringofatempest。AndamiditallgreatCaesarstoodwithhisbackagainstthestatue，likealionatbay，andfoughthisassailantsweaponlessandhandtohand，withthedefiantbearingandtheunwaveringcouragewhichhehadshownbeforeonmanyabloodyfield。
BillyTreboniusandCaiusLegariusstruckhimwiththeirdaggersandfell，astheirbrother-conspiratorsbeforethemhadfallen。Butatlast，whenCaesarsawhisoldfriendBrutusstepforwardarmedwithamurderousknife，itissaidheseemedutterlyoverpoweredwithgriefandamazement，and，droppinghisinvincibleleftarmbyhisside，hehidhisfaceinthefoldsofhismantleandreceivedthetreacherousblowwithoutanefforttostaythehandthatgaveit。Heonlysaid，“Ettu，Brute？”andfelllifelessonthemarblepavement。
WelearnthatthecoatdeceasedhadonwhenhewaskilledwasthesameoneheworeinhistentontheafternoonofthedayheovercametheNervii，andthatwhenitwasremovedfromthecorpseitwasfoundtobecutandgashedinnolessthansevendifferentplaces。Therewasnothinginthepockets。Itwillbeexhibitedatthecoroner’sinquest，andwillbedamningproofofthefactofthekilling。Theselatterfactsmaybereliedon，aswegetthemfromMarkAntony，whosepositionenableshimtolearneveryitemofnewsconnectedwiththeonesubjectofabsorbinginterestof-to-day。
LATER：Whilethecoronerwassummoningajury，MarkAntonyandotherfriendsofthelateCaesargotholdofthebody，andluggeditofftotheForum，andatlastaccountsAntonyandBrutusweremakingspeechesoveritandraisingsucharowamongthepeoplethat，aswegotopress，thechiefofpoliceissatisfiedthereisgoingtobeariot，andistakingmeasuresaccordingly。
THEWIDOW’SPROTEST
Oneofthesaddestthingsthatevercameundermynotice(saidthebanker’sclerk)wasthereinCorningduringthewar。DanMurphyenlistedasaprivate，andfoughtverybravely。Theboysalllikedhim，andwhenawoundbyandbyweakenedhimdowntillcarryingamusketwastooheavyworkforhim，theyclubbedtogetherandfixedhimupasasutler。Hemademoneythen，andsentitalwaystohiswifetobankforhim。Shewasawasherandironer，andknewenoughbyhardexperiencetokeepmoneywhenshegotit。Shedidn’twasteapenny。
Onthecontrary，shebegantogetmiserlyasherbank-accountgrew。Shegrievedtopartwithacent，poorcreature，fortwiceinherhard-workinglifeshehadknownwhatitwastobehungry，cold，friendless，sick，andwithoutadollarintheworld，andshehadahauntingdreadofsufferingsoagain。Well，atlastDandied;andtheboys，intestimonyoftheiresteemandrespectforhim，telegraphedtoMrs。Murphytoknowifshewouldliketohavehimembalmedandsenthome;whenyouknowtheusualcustomwastodumpapoordevillikehimintoashallowhole，andtheninformhisfriendswhathadbecomeofhim。Mrs。Murphyjumpedtotheconclusionthatitwouldonlycosttwoorthreedollarstoembalmherdeadhusband，andsoshetelegraphed“Yes。”，Itwasatthe“wake“thatthebillforembalmingarrivedandwaspresentedtothewidow。
Sheutteredawild，sadwailthatpiercedeveryheart，andsaid，“Sivinty-foivedollarsforstooffin’Dan，blistertheirsowls！，DidthimdivilssupposeIwasgoin’tostairtaMuseim，thatI’dbedalin’insuchexpinsivecuriassities！”
Thebanker’sclerksaidtherewasnotadryeyeinthehouse。
THESCRIPTURALPANORAMIST——[Writtenabout1866。]
Therewasafellowtravelingaroundinthatcountry，“saidMr。
Nickerson，“withamoral-religiousshow——asortofscripturalpanorama——
andhehiredawooden-headedoldslabtoplaythepianoforhim。Afterthefirstnight’sperformancetheshowmansays：
“’Myfriend，youseemtoknowprettymuchallthetunesthereare，andyouworryalongfirstrate。Butthen，didn’tyounoticethatsometimeslastnightthepieceyouhappenedtobeplayingwasalittleroughontheproprieties，sotospeak——didn’tseemtojibewiththegeneralgaitofthepicturethatwaspassingatthetime，asitwere——wasalittleforeigntothesubject，youknow——asifyoudidn’teithertrumporfollowsuit，youunderstand？’
“’Well，no，’thefellowsaid;’hehadn’tnoticed，butitmightbe;hehadplayedalongjustasitcamehandy。’
“Sotheyputitupthatthesimpleolddummywastokeephiseyeonthepanoramaafterthat，andassoonasastunningpicturewasreeledouthewastofitittoadotwithapieceofmusicthatwouldhelptheaudiencetogettheideaofthesubject，andwarmthemuplikeacamp-meetingrevival。Thatsortofthingwouldcorraltheirsympathies，theshowmansaid。
“Therewasabigaudiencethatnight-mostlymiddle-agedandoldpeoplewhobelongtothechurch，andtookastronginterestinBiblematters，andthebalancewereprettymuchyoungbucksandheifers——theyalwayscomeoutstrongonpanoramas，youknow，becauseitgivesthemachancetotasteoneanother’scomplexionsinthedark。
“Well，theshowmanbegantoswellhimselfupforhislecture，andtheoldmud-Jobbertackledthepianoandranhisfingersupanddownonceortwicetoseethatshewasallright，andthefellowsbehindthecurtaincommencedtogrindoutthepanorama。Theshowmanbalancedhisweightonhisrightfoot，andproppedhishandsoverhiships，andflunghiseyesoverhisshoulderatthescenery，andsaid：
“’Ladiesandgentlemen，thepaintingnowbeforeyouillustratesthebeautifulandtouchingparableoftheProdigalSon。Observethehappyexpressionjustbreakingoverthefeaturesofthepoor，sufferingyouth——
sowornandwearywithhislongmarch;notealsotheecstasybeamingfromtheupliftedcountenanceoftheagedfather，andthejoythatsparklesintheeyesoftheexcitedgroupofyouthsandmaidens，andseemsreadytoburstintothewelcomingchorusfromtheirlips。Thelesson，myfriends，isassolemnandinstructiveasthestoryistenderandbeautiful。’
“Themud-Jobberwasallready，andwhenthesecondspeechwasfinished，struckup：
“Oh，we’llallgetblinddrunkWhenJohnnycomesmarchinghome！
“Someofthepeoplegiggled，andsomegroanedalittle。Theshowmancouldn’tsayaword;helookedatthepianistsharp，buthewasalllovelyandserene——hedidn’tknowtherewasanythingoutofgear。
“Thepanoramamovedon，andtheshowmandrummeduphisgritandstartedinfresh。
“’Ladiesandgentlemen，thefinepicturenowunfoldingitselftoyourgazeexhibitsoneofthemostnotableeventsinBiblehistory——ourSaviourandHisdisciplesupontheSeaofGalilee。Howgrand，howawe-
inspiringarethereflectionswhichthesubjectinvokes！，Whatsublimityoffaithisrevealedtousinthislessonfromthesacredwritings！，TheSaviourrebukestheangrywaves，andwalkssecurelyuponthebosomofthedeep！’
“Allaroundthehousetheywerewhispering，’Oh，howlovely，howbeautiful！’andtheorchestralethimselfoutagain：
“Alifeontheoceanwave，Andahomeontherollingdeep！
“Therewasagooddealofhonestsnickeringturnedonthistime，andconsiderablegroaning，andoneortwoolddeaconsgotupandwentout。
Theshowmangratedhisteeth，andcursedthepianomantohimself;butthefellowsattherelikeaknotonalog，andseemedtothinkhewasdoingfirst-rate。
“Afterthingsgotquiettheshowmanthoughthewouldmakeonemorestaggeratit，anyway，thoughhisconfidencewasbeginningtogetmightyshaky。Thesupesstartedthepanoramagrindingalongagain，andhesays：
“’Ladiesandgentlemen，thisexquisitepaintingrepresentstheraisingofLazarusfromthedeadbyourSaviour。Thesubjecthasbeenhandledwithmarvelousskillbytheartist，andsuchtouchingsweetnessandtendernessofexpressionhashethrownintoitthatIhaveknownpeculiarlysensitivepersonstobeevenaffectedtotearsbylookingatit。Observethehalf-confused，half-inquiringlookuponthecountenanceoftheawakenedLazarus。Observe，also，theattitudeandexpressionoftheSaviour，whotakeshimgentlybythesleeveofhisshroudwithonehand，whileHepointswiththeothertowardthedistantcity。’
“Beforeanybodycouldgetoffanopinioninthecasetheinnocentoldassatthepianostruckup：
“Comeriseup，WilliamRi-i-ley，Andgoalongwithme！
“Whe-ew！，Allthesolemnoldflatsgotupinahufftogo，andeverybodyelselaughedtillthewindowsrattled。
“Theshowmanwentdownandgrabbedtheorchestraandshookhimupandsays：
“’Thatletsyouout，youknow，youchowder-headedoldclam。Gotothedoorkeeperandgetyourmoney，andcutyourstick——vamosetheranch！
Ladiesandgentlemen，circumstancesoverwhichIhavenocontrolcompelmeprematurelytodismissthehouse。’“
CURINGACOLD——[Writtenabout1864]
Itisagoodthing，perhaps，towritefortheamusementofthepublic，butitisafarhigherandnoblerthingtowritefortheirinstruction，theirprofit，theiractualandtangiblebenefit。Thelatteristhesoleobjectofthisarticle。Ifitprovethemeansofrestoringtohealthonesolitarysuffereramongmyrace，oflightinguponcemorethefireofhopeandjoyinhisfadedeyes，orbringingbacktohisdeadheartagainthequick，generousimpulsesofotherdays，Ishallbeamplyrewardedformylabor;mysoulwillbepermeatedwiththesacreddelightaChristian。
feelswhenhehasdoneagood，unselfishdeed。
Havingledapureandblamelesslife，IamjustifiedinbelievingthatnomanwhoknowsmewillrejectthesuggestionsIamabouttomake，outoffearthatIamtryingtodeceivehim。Letthepublicdoitselfthehonortoreadmyexperienceindoctoringacold，ashereinsetforth，andthenfollowinmyfootsteps。
WhentheWhiteHousewasburnedinVirginiaCity，Ilostmyhome，myhappiness，myconstitution，andmytrunk。Thelossofthetwofirstnamedarticleswasamatterofnogreatconsequence，sinceahomewithoutamother，orasister，oradistantyoungfemalerelativeinit，toremindyou，byputtingyoursoiledlinenoutofsightandtakingyourbootsdownoffthemantelpiece，thattherearethosewhothinkaboutyouandcareforyou，iseasilyobtained。AndIcarednothingforthelossofmyhappiness，because，notbeingapoet，itcouldnotbepossiblethatmelancholywouldabidewithmelong。Buttoloseagoodconstitutionandabettertrunkwereseriousmisfortunes。Onthedayofthefiremyconstitutionsuccumbedtoaseverecold，causedbyundueexertioningettingreadytodosomething。Isufferedtonopurpose，too，becausetheplanIwasfiguringatfortheextinguishingofthefirewassoelaboratethatInevergotitcompleteduntilthemiddleofthefollowingweek。
ThefirsttimeIbegantosneeze，afriendtoldmetogoandbathemyfeetinhotwaterandgotobed。Ididso。Shortlyafterward，anotherfriendadvisedmetogetupandtakeacoldshower-bath。Ididthatalso。Withinthehour，anotherfriendassuredmethatitwaspolicyto“feedacoldandstarveafever。”，Ihadboth。SoIthoughtitbesttofillmyselfupforthecold，andthenkeepdarkandletthefeverstarveawhile。
Inacaseof，thiskind，Iseldomdothingsbyhalves;Iateprettyheartily;Iconferredmycustomuponastrangerwhohadjustopenedhisrestaurantthatmorning;hewaitednearmeinrespectfulsilenceuntilI
hadfinishedfeedingmycold，whenheinquiredifthepeopleaboutVirginiaCityweremuchafflictedwithcolds？，ItoldhimIthoughttheywere。Hethenwentoutandtookinhissign。
Istarteddowntowardtheoffice，andonthewayencounteredanotherbosomfriend，whotoldmethataquartofsalt-water，takenwarm，wouldcomeasnearcuringacoldasanythingintheworld。IhardlythoughtI
hadroomforit，butItrieditanyhow。Theresultwassurprising。I
believedIhadthrownupmyimmortalsoul。
Now，asIamgivingmyexperienceonlyforthebenefitofthosewhoaretroubledwiththedistemperIamwritingabout，Ifeelthattheywillseetheproprietyofmycautioningthemagainstfollowingsuchportionsofitasprovedinefficientwithme，andactinguponthisconviction，Iwarnthemagainstwarmsalt-water。Itmaybeagoodenoughremedy，butI
thinkitistoosevere。IfIhadanothercoldinthehead，andtherewerenocourseleftmebuttotakeeitheranearthquakeoraquartofwarmsaltwater，Iwouldtakemychancesontheearthquake。
Afterthestormwhichhadbeenraginginmystomachhadsubsided，andnomoregoodSamaritanshappeningalong，Iwentonborrowinghandkerchiefsagainandblowingthemtoatoms，ashadbeenmycustomintheearlystagesofmycold，untilIcameacrossaladywhohadjustarrivedfromovertheplains，andwhosaidshehadlivedinapartofthecountrywheredoctorswerescarce，andhadfromnecessityacquiredconsiderableskillinthetreatmentofsimple“familycomplaints。”，Iknewshemusthavehadmuchexperience，forsheappearedtobeahundredandfiftyyearsold。
Shemixedadecoctioncomposedofmolasses，aquafortis，turpentine，andvariousotherdrugs，andinstructedmetotakeawine-glassfullofiteveryfifteenminutes。Inevertookbutonedose;thatwasenough;itrobbedmeofallmoralprinciple，andawokeeveryunworthyimpulseofmynature。Underitsmaligninfluencemybrainconceivedmiraclesofmeanness，butmyhandsweretoofeebletoexecutethem;atthattime，haditnotbeenthatmystrengthhadsurrenderedtoasuccessionofassaultsfrominfallibleremediesformycold，IamsatisfiedthatIwouldhavetriedtorobthegraveyard。Likemostotherpeople，Ioftenfeelmean，andactaccordingly;butuntilItookthatmedicineIhadneverreveledinsuchsupernaturaldepravity，andfeltproudofit。AttheendoftwodaysIwasreadytogotodoctoringagain。Itookafewmoreunfailingremedies，andfinallydrovemycoldfrommyheadtomylungs。
Igottocoughingincessantly，andmyvoicefellbelowzero;Iconversedinathunderingbass，twooctavesbelowmynaturaltone;Icouldonlycompassmyregularnightlyreposebycoughingmyselfdowntoastateofutterexhaustion，andthenthemomentIbegantotalkinmysleep，mydiscordantvoicewokemeupagain。
Mycasegrewmoreandmoreseriouseveryday。APlainginwasrecommended;Itookit。Thenginandmolasses;Itookthatalso。Thenginandonions;Iaddedtheonions，andtookallthree。Idetectednoparticularresult，however，exceptthatIhadacquiredabreathlikeabuzzard’s。
IfoundIhadtotravelformyhealth。IwenttoLakeBiglerwithmyreportorialcomrade，Wilson。Itisgratifyingtometoreflectthatwetraveledinconsiderablestyle;wewentinthePioneercoach，andmyfriendtookallhisbaggagewithhim，consistingoftwoexcellentsilkhandkerchiefsandadaguerreotypeofhisgrandmother。Wesailedandhuntedandfishedanddancedallday，andIdoctoredmycoughallnight。
Bymanaginginthisway，Imadeouttoimproveeveryhourinthetwenty-
four。Butmydiseasecontinuedtogrowworse。
Asheet-bathwasrecommended。Ihadneverrefusedaremedyyet，anditseemedpoorpolicytocommencethen;thereforeIdeterminedtotakeasheet-bath，notwithstandingIhadnoideawhatsortofarrangementitwas。Itwasadministeredatmidnight，andtheweatherwasveryfrosty。
Mybreastandbackwerebared，andasheet(thereappearedtobeathousandyardsofit)soakedinice-water，waswoundaroundmeuntilI
resembledaswabforaColumbiad。
Itisacruelexpedient。Whenthechillyragtouchesone’swarmflesh，itmakeshimstartwithsuddenviolence，andgaspforbreathjustasmendointhedeath-agony。Itfrozethemarrowinmybonesandstoppedthebeatingofmyheart。Ithoughtmytimehadcome。
YoungWilsonsaidthecircumstanceremindedhimofananecdoteaboutanegrowhowasbeingbaptized，andwhoslippedfromtheparson’sgrasp，andcamenearbeingdrowned。Heflounderedaround，though，andfinallyroseupoutofthewaterconsiderablystrangledandfuriouslyangry，andstartedashoreatonce，spoutingwaterlikeawhale，andremarking，withgreatasperity，that“oneo’desedayssomegen’l’man’sniggergwynetogetkilledwidjis’suchdamnfoolishnessasdis！”
Nevertakeasheet-bath-never。Nexttomeetingaladyacquaintancewho，forreasonsbestknowntoherself，don’tseeyouwhenshelooksatyou，anddon’tknowyouwhenshedoesseeyou，itisthemostuncomfortablethingintheworld。
But，asIwassaying，whenthesheet-bathfailedtocuremycough，aladyfriendrecommendedtheapplicationofamustardplastertomybreast。Ibelievethatwouldhavecuredmeeffectually，ifithadnotbeenforyoungWilson。WhenIwenttobed，Iputmymustardplaster——
whichwasaverygorgeousone，eighteeninchessquare——whereIcouldreachitwhenIwasreadyforit。ButyoungWilsongothungryinthenight，andhereisfoodfortheimagination。
AftersojourningaweekatLakeBigler，IwenttoSteamboatSprings，and，besidesthesteam-baths，Itookalotofthevilestmedicinesthatwereeverconcocted。Theywouldhavecuredme，butIhadtogobacktoVirginiaCity，where，notwithstandingthevarietyofnewremediesI
absorbedeveryday，Imanagedtoaggravatemydiseasebycarelessnessandundueexposure。
IfinallyconcludedtovisitSanFrancisco，andthe，firstdayIgottherealadyatthehoteltoldmetodrinkaquartofwhiskyeverytwenty-fourhours，andafriendup-townrecommendedpreciselythesamecourse。Eachadvisedmetotakeaquart;thatmadehalfagallon。Ididit，andstilllive。
Now，withthekindestmotivesintheworld，IofferfortheconsiderationofconsumptivepatientsthevariegatedcourseoftreatmentIhavelatelygonethrough。Letthemtryit;ifitdon’tcure，itcan’tmorethankillthem。
ACURIOUSPLEASUREEXCURSION——
[Publishedatthetimeofthe“CometScare“inthesummerof1874]
[Wehavereceivedthefollowingadvertisement，but，inasmuchasitconcernsamatterofdeepandgeneralinterest，wefeelfullyjustifiedininsertingitinourreading-columns。Weareconfidentthatourconductinthisregardneedsonlyexplanation，notapology——Ed。N。Y。
Herald。]
ADVERTISEMENT
ThisistoinformthepublicthatinconnectionwithMr。BarnumIhaveleasedthecometforaterm，ofyears;andIdesirealsotosolicitthepublicpatronageinfavorofabeneficialenterprisewhichwehaveinview。
Weproposetofitupcomfortable，andevenluxurious，accommodationsinthecometforasmanypersonsaswillhonoruswiththeirpatronage，andmakeanextendedexcursionamongtheheavenlybodies。Weshallprepare1，000，000state-roomsinthetailofthecomet(withhotandcoldwater，gas，looking-glass，parachute，umbrella，etc。ineach)，andshallconstructmoreifwemeetwithasufficientlygenerousencouragement。
Weshallhavebilliard-rooms，card-rooms，music-rooms，bowling-alleysandmanyspacioustheatersandfreelibraries;andonthemaindeckweproposetohaveadrivingpark，withupwardof100，000milesofroadwayinit。Weshallpublishdailynewspapersalso。
DEPARTUREOFTHECOMET
ThecometwillleaveNewYorkat10P。M。onthe20thinst。andthereforeitwillbedesirablethatthepassengersbeonboardbyeightatthelatest，toavoidconfusioningettingunderway。Itisnotknownwhetherpassportswillbenecessaryornot，butitisdeemedbestthatpassengersprovidethem，andsoguardagainstallcontingencies。Nodogswillbeallowedonboard。Thisrulehasbeenmadeindeferencetotheexistingstateoffeelingregardingtheseanimals，andwillbestrictlyadheredto。Thesafetyofthepassengerswillinallwaysbejealouslylookedto。Asubstantialironrailingwillbeputupallaroundthecomet，andnoonewillbeallowedtogototheedgeandlookoverunlessaccompaniedbyeithermypartnerormyself。
THEPOSTALSERVICE
willbeofthecompletestcharacter。Ofcoursethetelegraph，andthetelegraphonly，willbeemployed;consequentlyfriendsoccupyingstate-
rooms20，000，000andeven30，000，000milesapartwillbeabletosendamessageandreceiveareplyinsideofelevendays。Nightmessageswillbehalf-rate。ThewholeofthisvastpostalsystemwillbeunderthepersonalsuperintendenceofMr。HaleofMaine。Mealsservedatallhours。Mealsservedinstateroomschargedextra。
Hostilityisnotapprehendedfromanygreatplanet，butwehavethoughtitbesttoerronthesafeside，andthereforehaveprovidedapropernumberofmortars，siege-guns，andboarding-pikes。Historyshowsthatsmall，isolatedcommunities，suchasthepeopleofremoteislands，arepronetobehostiletostrangers，andsothesamemaybethecasewith，THEINHABITANTSOFSTARS
ofthetenthortwentiethmagnitude。Weshallinnocasewantonlyoffendthepeopleofanystar，butshalltreatallalikewithurbanityandkindliness，neverconductingourselvestowardanasteroidafterafashionwhichwecouldnotventuretoassumetowardJupiterorSaturn。Irepeatthatweshallnotwantonlyoffendanystar;butatthesametimeweshallpromptlyresentanyinjurythatmaybedoneus，oranyinsolenceofferedus，bypartiesorgovernmentsresidinginanystarinthefirmament。
Althoughaversetothesheddingofblood，weshallstillholdthiscourserigidlyandfearlessly，notonlytowardsinglestars，buttowardconstellations。WeshallhopetoleaveagoodimpressionofAmericabehindusineverynationwevisit，fromVenustoUranus。And，atallevents，ifwecannotinspireloveweshallatleastcompelrespectforourcountrywhereverwego。Weshalltakewithus，freeofcharge，AGREATFORCEOFMISSIONARIES，andshedthetruelightuponallthecelestialorbswhich，physicallyaglow，areyetmorallyindarkness。Sunday-schoolswillbeestablishedwhereverpracticable。Compulsoryeducationwillalsobeintroduced。
ThecometwillvisitMarsfirst，andproceedtoMercury，Jupiter，Venus，andSaturn。PartiesconnectedwiththegovernmentoftheDistrictofColumbiaandwiththeformercitygovernmentofNewYork，whomaydesiretoinspecttherings，willbeallowedtimeandeveryfacility。Everystarofprominentmagnitudewillbevisited，andtimeallowedforexcursionstopointsofinterestinland。
THEDOGSTAR
hasbeenstrickenfromtheprogram。MuchtimewillbespentintheGreatBear，and，indeed，ineveryconstellationofimportance。So，also，withtheSunandMoonandtheMilkyPay，otherwisetheGulfStreamoftheSkies。Clothingsuitableforwearinthesunshouldbeprovided。Ourprogramhasbeensoarrangedthatweshallseldomgomorethan100，000，000ofmilesatatimewithoutstoppingatsomestar。Thiswillnecessarilymakethestoppagesfrequentandpreservetheinterestofthetourist。Baggagecheckedthroughtoanypointontheroute。Partiesdesiringtomakeonlyapartoftheproposedtour，andthussaveexpense，maystopoveratanystartheychooseandwaitforthereturnvoyage。
Aftervisitingallthemostcelebratedstarsandconstellationsinoursystemandpersonally，inspectingtheremotestsparksthateventhemostpowerfultelescopecannowdetectinthefirmament，weshallproceedwithgoodheartupon，ASTUPENDOUSVOYAGE
ofdiscoveryamongthecountlesswhirlingworldsthatmaketurmoilinthemightywastesofspacethatstretchtheirsolemnsolitudes，theirunimaginablevastnessbillionsuponbillionsofmilesawaybeyondthefarthestvergeoftelescopicvision，tillbycomparisonthelittlesparklingvaultweusedtogazeatonEarthshallseemlikearememberedphosphorescentflashofspangleswhichsometropicalvoyager’sprowstirredintolifeforasingleinstant，andwhichtenthousandmilesofphosphorescentseasandtediouslapseoftimehadsincediminishedtoanincidentutterlytrivialinhisrecollection。Childrenoccupyingseatsatthefirsttablewillbechargedfullfare。
FIRST-CLASSFARE
fromtheEarthtoUranus，includingvisitstotheSunandMoonandalltheprincipalplanetsontheroute，willbechargedatthelowrateof$2forevery50，000，000milesofactualtravel。Agreatreductionwillbemadewherepartieswishtomaketheroundtrip。Thiscometisnewandinthoroughrepairandisnowonherfirstvoyage。Sheisconfessedlythefastestontheline。Shemakes20，000，000milesaday，withherpresentfacilities;but，withapickedAmericancrewandgoodweather，weareconfidentwecanget40，000，000outofher。Still，weshallneverpushhertoadangerousspeed，andweshallrigidlyprohibitracingwithothercomets。Passengersdesiringtodivergeatanypointorreturnwillbetransferredtoothercomets。Wemakecloseconnectionsatallprincipalpointswithallreliablelines。Safetycanbedependedupon。
Itisnottobedeniedthattheheavensareinfestedwith，OLDRAMSHACKLECOMETS
thathavenotbeeninspectedoroverhauledin10，000years，andwhichoughtlongagotohavebeendestroyedorturnedintohail-barges，butwiththesewehavenoconnectionwhatever。Steeragepassengersnotallowedabaftthemainhatch。
Complimentaryround-tripticketshavebeentenderedtoGeneralButler，Mr。Shepherd，Mr。Richardson，andothereminentgentlemen，whosepublicserviceshaveentitledthemtotherestandrelaxationofavoyageofthiskind。Partiesdesiringtomaketheroundtripwillhaveextraaccommodation。Theentirevoyagewillbecompleted，andthepassengerslandedinNewYorkagain，onthe14thofDecember，1991。Thisis，atleast，fortyyearsquickerthananyothercometcandoitin。Nearlyalltheback-paymemberscontemplatemakingtheroundtripwithusincasetheirconstituentswillallowthemaholiday。Everyharmlessamusementwillbeallowedonboard，butnopoolspermittedontherunofthecomet——nogamblingofanykind。Allfixedstarswillberespectedbyus，butsuchstarsasseem，toneedfixingweshallfix。Ifitmakestrouble，weshallbesorry，butfirm。
Mr。Coggiahavingleasedhiscomettous，shewillnolongerbecalledbyhisname，butbymypartner’s。N。B——Passengersbypayingdoublefarewillbeentitledtoashareinallthenewstars，suns，moons，comets，meteors，andmagazinesofthunderandlightningwemaydiscover。Patent-
medicinepeoplewilltakenoticethat，WECARRYBULLETIN-BOARDS
andapaint-brushalongforuseintheconstellations，andareopentoterms。Cremationistsareremindedthatwearegoingstraightto——somehotplaces——andareopentoterms。Tootherpartiesourenterpriseisapleasureexcursion，butindividuallywemeanbusiness。Weshallflyourcometforallitisworth。
FORFURTHERPARTICULARS，orforfreightorpassage，applyonboard，ortomypartner，butnottome，sinceIdonottakechargeofthecometuntilsheisunderway。
Itisnecessary，atatimelikethis，thatmymindshouldnotbeburdenedwithsmallbusinessdetails。
MARKTWAIN。
RUNNINGFORGOVERNOR——[Writtenabout1870。]
AfewmonthsagoIwasnominatedforGovernorofthegreatstateofNewYork，torunagainstMr。JohnT。SmithandMr。BlankJ。Blankonanindependentticket。IsomehowfeltthatIhadoneprominentadvantageoverthesegentlemen，andthatwas——goodcharacter。Itwaseasytoseebythenewspapersthatifevertheyhadknownwhatitwastobearagoodname，thattimehadgoneby。Itwasplainthatintheselatteryearstheyhadbecomefamiliarwithallmannerofshamefulcrimes。ButattheverymomentthatIwasexaltingmyadvantageandjoyinginitinsecret，therewasamuddyundercurrentofdiscomfort“riling“thedeepsofmyhappiness，andthatwas——thehavingtohearmynamebandiedaboutinfamiliarconnectionwiththoseofsuchpeople。Igrewmoreandmoredisturbed。FinallyIwrotemygrandmotheraboutit。Heranswercamequickandsharp。Shesaid：
Youhaveneverdoneonesinglethinginallyourlifetobeashamedof——notone。Lookatthenewspapers——lookatthemandcomprehendwhatsortofcharactersMessrs。SmithandBlankare，andthenseeifyouarewillingtoloweryourselftotheirlevelandenterapubliccanvasswiththem。
Itwasmyverythought！，Ididnotsleepasinglemomentthatnight。
But，afterall，Icouldnotrecede。
Iwasfullycommitted，andmustgoonwiththefight。AsIwaslookinglistlesslyoverthepapersatbreakfastIcameacrossthisparagraph，andImaytrulysayIneverwassoconfoundedbefore。
PERJURY——Perhaps，nowthatMr。MarkTwainisbeforethepeopleasacandidateforGovernor，hewillcondescendtoexplainhowhecametobeconvictedofperjurybythirty-fourwitnessesinWakawak，CochinChina，in1863，theintentofwhichperjurybeingtorobapoornativewidowandherhelplessfamilyofameagerplantain-patch，theironlystayandsupportintheirbereavementanddesolation。
Mr。Twainowesittohimself，aswellastothegreatpeoplewhosesuffragesheasks，toclearthismatterup。Willhedoit？
IthoughtIshouldburstwithamazement！，Suchacruel，heartlesscharge！
IneverhadseenCochinChina！，IneverhadheardofWakawak！，Ididn’tknowaplantain-patchfromakangaroo！，Ididnotknowwhattodo。Iwascrazedandhelpless。Iletthedayslipawaywithoutdoinganythingatall。Thenextmorningthesamepaperhadthis——nothingmore：
SIGNIFICANT——Mr。Twain，itwillbeobserved，issuggestivelysilentabouttheCochinChinaperjury。
[Mem——Duringtherestofthecampaignthispaperneverreferredtomeinanyotherwaythanas“theinfamousperjurerTwain。”]
NextcametheGazette，withthis：
WANTEDTOKNOW——WillthenewcandidateforGovernordeigntoexplaintocertainofhisfellow-citizens(whoaresufferingtovoteforhim！)thelittlecircumstanceofhiscabin-matesinMontanalosingsmallvaluablesfromtimetotime，untilatlast，thesethingshavingbeeninvariablyfoundonMr。Twain’spersonorinhis“trunk“(newspaperherolledhistrapsin)，theyfeltcompelledtogivehimafriendlyadmonitionforhisowngood，andsotarredandfeatheredhim，androdehimonarail;andthenadvisedhimtoleaveapermanentvacuumintheplaceheusuallyoccupiedinthecamp。
Willhedothis？
Couldanythingbemoredeliberatelymaliciousthanthat？，ForIneverwasinMontanainmylife。
[Afterthis，thisjournalcustomarilyspokeofmeas，“Twain，theMontanaThief。”]
Igottopickinguppapersapprehensively——muchasonewouldliftadesiredblanketwhichhehadsomeideamighthavearattlesnakeunderit。
Onedaythismetmyeye：
THELIENAILED——BytheswornaffidavitsofMichaelO’Flanagan，Esq。oftheFivePoints，andMr。SnubRaffertyandMr。CattyMulligan，ofWaterStreet，itisestablishedthatMr。MarkTwain’svilestatementthatthelamentedgrandfatherofournoblestandard-
bearer，BlankJ。Blank，washangedforhighwayrobbery，isabrutalandgratuitousLIE，withoutashadowoffoundationinfact。Itisdishearteningtovirtuousmentoseesuchshamefulmeansresortedtotoachievepoliticalsuccessastheattackingofthedeadintheirgraves，anddefilingtheirhonorednameswithslander。Whenwethinkoftheanguishthismiserablefalsehoodmustcausetheinnocentrelativesandfriendsofthedeceased，wearealmostdriventoinciteanoutragedandinsultedpublictosummaryandunlawfulvengeanceuponthetraducer。Butno！letusleavehimtotheagonyofalaceratedconscience(thoughifpassionshouldgetthebetterofthepublic，andinitsblindfurytheyshoulddothetraducerbodilyinjury，itisbuttooobviousthatnojurycouldconvictandnocourtpunishtheperpetratorsofthedeed)。
Theingeniousclosingsentencehadtheeffectofmovingmeoutofbedwithdespatchthatnight，andoutatthebackdooralso，whilethe“outragedandinsultedpublic“surgedinthefrontway，breakingfurnitureandwindowsintheirrighteousindignationastheycame，andtakingoffsuchpropertyastheycouldcarrywhentheywent。
AndyetIcanlaymyhandupontheBookandsaythatIneverslanderedMr。Blank’sgrandfather。More：Ihadneverevenheardofhimormentionedhimuptothatdayanddate。
[Iwillstate，inpassing，thatthejournalabovequotedfromalwaysreferredtomeafterwardas“Twain，theBody-Snatcher。”]
Thenextnewspaperarticlethatattractedmyattentionwasthefollowing：
ASWEETCANDIDATE——Mr。MarkTwain，whowastomakesuchablightingspeechatthemass-meetingoftheIndependentslastnight，didn’tcometotime！，Atelegramfromhisphysicianstatedthathehadbeenknockeddownbyarunawayteam，andhislegbrokenintwoplaces——suffererlyingingreatagony，andsoforth，andsoforth，andalotmoreboshofthesamesort。AndtheIndependentstriedhardtoswallowthewretchedsubterfuge，andpretendthattheydidnotknowwhatwastherealreasonoftheabsenceoftheabandonedcreaturewhomtheydenominatetheirstandard-bearer。AcertainmanwasseentoreelintoMr。Twain’shotellastnightinastateofbeastlyintoxication。ItistheimperativedutyoftheIndependentstoprovethatthisbesottedbrutewasnotMarkTwainhimself。Wehavethematlast！，Thisisacasethatadmitsofnoshirking。Thevoiceofthepeopledemandsinthundertones，“WHOWASTHATMAN？”
Itwasincredible，absolutelyincredible，foramoment，thatitwasreallymynamethatwascoupledwiththisdisgracefulsuspicion。ThreelongyearshadpassedovermyheadsinceIhadtastedale，beer，wineorliquororanykind。
[ItshowswhateffectthetimeswerehavingonmewhenIsaythatIsawmyself，confidentlydubbed“Mr。DeliriumTremensTwain“inthenextissueofthatjournalwithoutapang——notwithstandingIknewthatwithmonotonousfidelitythepaperwouldgooncallingmesototheveryend。]
Bythistimeanonymouslettersweregettingtobeanimportantpartofmymailmatter。Thisformwascommon，Howaboutthatoldwomanyoukikedofyourpremiseswhichwasbeging。，POL。PRY。
Andthis：
ThereisthingswhichyouHavedonewhichisunbeknowenstoanybodybutme。Youbettertrotoutafewdots，toyourstruly，oryou’llhearthroughthepapersfromHANDYANDY。
Thisisabouttheidea。Icouldcontinuethemtillthereaderwassurfeited，ifdesirable。
ShortlytheprincipalRepublicanjournal“convicted“meofwholesalebribery，andtheleadingDemocraticpaper“nailed“anaggravatedcaseofblackmailingtome。
[InthiswayIacquiredtwoadditionalnames：“TwaintheFilthyCorruptionist“and“TwaintheLoathsomeEmbracer。”]
Bythistimetherehadgrowntobesuchaclamorforan“answer“toallthedreadfulchargesthatwerelaidtomethattheeditorsandleadersofmypartysaiditwouldbepoliticalruinformetoremainsilentanylonger。Asiftomaketheirappealthemoreimperative，thefollowingappearedinoneofthepaperstheverynextday：
BEHOLDTHEMAN！——Theindependentcandidatestillmaintainssilence。
Becausehedarenotspeak。Everyaccusationagainsthimhasbeenamplyproved，andtheyhavebeenindorsedandreindorsedbyhisowneloquentsilence，tillatthisdayhestandsforeverconvicted。
Lookuponyourcandidate，Independents！，LookupontheInfamousPerjurer！，theMontanaThief！，theBody-Snatcher！，ContemplateyourincarnateDeliriumTremens！，yourFilthyCorruptionist！，yourLoathsomeEmbracer！，Gazeuponhim——ponderhimwell——andthensayifyoucangiveyourhonestvotestoacreaturewhohasearnedthisdismalarrayoftitlesbyhishideouscrimes，anddaresnotopenhismouthindenialofanyoneofthem！
Therewasnopossiblewayofgettingoutofit，andso，indeephumiliation，Isetaboutpreparingto“answer“amassofbaselesschargesandmeanandwickedfalsehoods。ButIneverfinishedthetask，fortheverynextmorningapapercameoutwithanewhorror，afreshmalignity，andseriouslychargedmewithburningalunaticasylumwithallitsinmates，becauseitobstructedtheviewfrommyhouse。Thisthrewmeintoasortofpanic。Thencamethechargeofpoisoningmyuncletogethisproperty，withanimperativedemandthatthegraveshouldbeopened。
Thisdrovemetothevergeofdistraction。OntopofthisIwasaccusedofemployingtoothlessandincompetentoldrelativestopreparethefoodforthefoundling’hospitalwhenIwarden。Iwaswavering——wavering。
Andatlast，asadueandfittingclimaxtotheshamelesspersecutionthatpartyrancorhadinflicteduponme，ninelittletoddlingchildren，ofallshadesofcoloranddegreesofraggedness，weretaughttorushontotheplatformatapublicmeeting，andclaspmearoundthelegsandcallmePA！
Igaveitup。Ihauleddownmycolorsandsurrendered。IwasnotequaltotherequirementsofaGubernatorialcampaigninthestateofNewYork，andsoIsentinmywithdrawalfromthecandidacy，andinbitternessofspiritsignedit，“Trulyyours，onceadecentman，butnow，MARKTWAIN，LP。M。T。B。S。D。T。F。C。andL。E。”
AMYSTERIOUSVISIT
ThefirstnoticethatwastakenofmewhenI“settleddown“recentlywasbyagentlemanwhosaidhewasanassessor，andconnectedwiththeU。S。
InternalRevenueDepartment。IsaidIhadneverheardofhisbranchofbusinessbefore，butIwasverygladtoseehimallthesame。Wouldhesitdown？，Hesatdown。Ididnotknowanythingparticulartosay，andyetIfeltthatpeoplewhohavearrivedatthedignityofkeepinghousemustbeconversational，mustbeeasyandsociableincompany。So，indefaultofanythingelsetosay，Iaskedhimifhewasopeninghisshopinourneighborhood。
Hesaidhewas。[Ididnotwishtoappearignorant，butIhadhopedhewouldmentionwhathehadforsale。]
Iventuredtoaskhim“Howwastrade？”Andhesaid“So-so。”
Ithensaidwewoulddropin，andifwelikedhishouseaswellasanyother，wewouldgivehimourcustom。
Hesaidhethoughtwewouldlikehisestablishmentwellenoughtoconfineourselvestoit——saidheneversawanybodywhowouldgooffandhuntupanothermaninhislineaftertradingwithhimonce。
Thatsoundedprettycomplacent，butbarringthatnaturalexpressionofvillainywhichweallhave，themanlookedhonestenough。
Idonotknowhowitcameaboutexactly，butgraduallyweappearedtomeltdownandruntogether，conversationallyspeaking，andtheneverythingwentalongascomfortablyasclockwork。
Wetalked，andtalked，andtalked——atleastIdid;andwelaughed，andlaughed，andlaughed——atleasthedid。ButallthetimeIhadmypresenceofmindaboutme——Ihadmynativeshrewdnessturnedon“fullhead，“astheengineerssay。Iwasdeterminedtofindoutallabouthisbusinessinspiteofhisobscureanswers——andIwasdeterminedIwouldhaveitoutofhimwithouthissuspectingwhatIwasat。Imeanttotraphimwithadeep，deepruse。Iwouldtellhimallaboutmyownbusiness，andhewouldnaturallysowarmtomeduringthisseductiveburstofconfidencethathewouldforgethimself，andtellmeallabouthisaffairsbeforehesuspectedwhatIwasabout。Ithoughttomyself，Myson，youlittleknowwhatanoldfoxyouaredealingwith。Isaid：
“NowyouneverwouldguesswhatImadelecturingthiswinterandlastspring？”
“No——don’tbelieveIcould，tosaveme。Letmesee——letmesee。Abouttwothousanddollars，maybe？，Butno;no，sir，Iknowyoucouldn’thavemadethatmuch。Sayseventeenhundred，maybe？”
“Ha！ha！，Iknewyoucouldn’t。Mylecturingreceiptsforlastspringandthiswinterwerefourteenthousandsevenhundredandfiftydollars。Whatdoyouthinkofthat？”
“Why，itisamazing-perfectlyamazing。Iwillmakeanoteofit。Andyousayeventhiswasn’tall？”
“All！，Whyblessyou，therewasmyincomefromtheDailyWarwhoopforfourmonths——about——about——well，whatshouldyousaytoabouteightthousanddollars，forinstance？”
“Say！，Why，IshouldsayIshouldliketoseemyselfrollinginjustsuchanotheroceanofaffluence。Eightthousand！，I’llmakeanoteofit。
Whyman！——andontopofallthisamItounderstandthatyouhadstillmoreincome？”
“Ha！ha！ha！，Why，you’reonlyinthesuburbsofit，sotospeak。
There’smybook，TheInnocentsAbroadprice$3。50to$5，accordingtothebinding。Listentome。Lookmeintheeye。Duringthelastfourmonthsandahalf，sayingnothingofsalesbeforethat，butjustsimplyduringthefourmonthsandahalf，we’vesoldninety-fivethousandcopiesofthatbook。Ninety-fivethousand！，Thinkofit。Averagefourdollarsacopy，say。It’snearlyfourhundredthousanddollars，myson。Igethalf。”
“ThesufferingMoses！，I’llsetthatdown。Fourteen-seven-fifty——eight-
twohundred。Total，say——well，uponmyword，thegrandtotalisabouttwohundredandthirteenorfourteenthousanddollars！，Isthatpossible？”
“Possible！，Ifthere’sanymistakeit’stheotherway。Twohundredandfourteenthousand，cash，ismyincomeforthisyearifIknowhowtocipher。”
Thenthegentlemangotuptogo。ItcameovermemostuncomfortablythatmaybeIhadmademyrevelationsfornothing，besidesbeingflatteredintostretchingthemconsiderablybythestranger’sastonishedexclamations。
Butno;atthelastmomentthegentlemanhandedmealargeenvelope，andsaiditcontainedhisadvertisement;andthatIwouldfindoutallabouthisbusinessinit;andthathewouldbehappytohavemycustom-would，infact，beproudtohavethecustomofamanofsuchprodigiousincome;
andthatheusedtothinktherewereseveralwealthymeninthecity，butwhentheycametotradewithhimhediscoveredthattheybarelyhadenoughtoliveon;andthat，intruth，ithadbeensuchaweary，wearyagesincehehadseenarichmanfacetoface，andtalkedtohim，andtouchedhimwithhishands，thathecouldhardlyrefrainfromembracingme——infact，wouldesteemitagreatfavorifIwouldlethimembraceme。
ThissopleasedmethatIdidnottrytoresist，butallowedthissimple-
heartedstrangertothrowhisarmsaboutmeandweepafewtranquilizingtearsdownthebackofmyneck。Thenhewenthisway。
AssoonashewasgoneIopenedhisadvertisement。Istudieditattentivelyforfourminutes。Ithencalledupthecook，andsaid：
“HoldmewhileIfaint！，LetMarieturnthegriddle-cakes。”
Byandby，whenIcameto，Isentdowntotherum-millonthecornerandhiredanartistbytheweektositupnightsandcursethatstranger，andgivemealiftoccasionallyinthedaytimewhenIcametoahardplace。
Ah，whatamiscreanthewas！，His“advertisement，wasnothingintheworld。butawickedtax-return——astringofimpertinentquestionsaboutmyprivateaffairs，occupyingthebestpartoffourfools-cappagesoffineprint-questions，Imayremark，gottenupwithsuchmarvelousingenuitythattheoldestmanintheworldcouldn’tunderstandwhatthemostofthemweredrivingat——questions，too，thatwerecalculatedtomakeamanreportaboutfourtimeshisactualincometokeepfromswearingtoafalsehood。Ilookedforaloophole，buttheredidnotappeartobeany。InquiryNo。1coveredmycaseasgenerouslyandasamplyasanumbrellacouldcoveranant-hill：
Whatwereyourprofits，duringthepastyear，fromanytrade，business，orvocation，wherevercarriedon？
Andthatinquirywasbackedupbythirteenothersofanequallysearchingnature，themostmodestofwhichrequiredinformationastowhetherIhadcommittedanyburglaryorhighwayrobbery，or，byanyarsonorothersecretsourceofemolumenthadacquiredpropertywhichwasnotenumeratedinmystatementofincomeassetoppositetoinquiryNo。1。
Itwasplainthatthatstrangerhadenabledmetomakeagooseofmyself。
Itwasvery，veryplain;andsoIwentoutandhiredanotherartist。
Byworkingonmyvanity，thestrangerhadseducedmeintodeclaringanincomeoftwohundredandfourteenthousanddollars。Bylaw，onethousanddollarsofthiswasexemptfromincometax——theonlyreliefI
couldsee，anditwasonlyadropintheocean。Atthelegalfivepercent。Imustpaytothegovernmentthesumoftenthousandsixhundredandfiftydollars，incometax！
[Imayremark，inthisplace，thatIdidnotdoit。]
Iamacquaintedwithaveryopulentman，whosehouseisapalace，whosetableisregal，whoseoutlaysareenormous，yetamanwhohasnoincome，asIhaveoftennoticedbytherevenuereturns;andtohimIwentforadviceinmydistress。Hetookmydreadfulexhibitionofreceipts，heputonhisglasses，hetookhispen，andpresto！——Iwasapauper！，Itwastheneatestthingthateverwas。Hediditsimplybydeftlymanipulatingthebillof“DEDUCTIONS。”，Hesetdownmy“State，national，andmunicipaltaxes“atsomuch;my“lossesbyshipwreck;fire，etc。”atsomuch;my“lossesonsalesofrealestate“——on“livestocksold“——on“paymentsforrentofhomestead“——on“repairs，improvements，interest“——on“previouslytaxedsalaryasanofficeroftheUnitedStatesarmy，navy，revenueservice，“andotherthings。Hegotastonishing“deductions“outofeachandeveryoneofthesematters——eachandeveryoneofthem。Andwhenhewasdonehehandedmethepaper，andIsawataglancethatduringtheyearmyincome，inthewayofprofits，hadbeenonethousandtwohundredandfiftydollarsandfortycents。
“Now，“saidhe，“thethousanddollarsisexemptbylaw。Whatyouwanttodoistogoandswearthisdocumentinandpaytaxonthetwohundredandfiftydollars。”
[WhilehewasmakingthisspeechhislittleboyWillieliftedatwo-
dollargreenbackoutofhisvestpocketandvanishedwithit，andIwouldwager;anythingthatifmystrangerweretocallonthatlittleboyto-
morrowhewouldmakeafalsereturnofhisincome。]
“Doyou，“saidI，“doyoualwaysworkupthe’deductions’afterthisfashioninyourowncase，sir？”
“Well，Ishouldsayso！，Ifitweren’tforthoseelevensavingclausesundertheheadof’Deductions’Ishouldbebeggaredeveryyeartosupportthishatefulandwicked，thisextortionateandtyrannicalgovernment。”
Thisgentlemanstandsawayupamongtheverybestofthesolidmenofthecity——themenofmoralweight，ofcommercialintegrity，ofunimpeachable，socialspotlessness——andsoIbowedtohisexample。Iwentdowntotherevenueoffice，andundertheaccusingeyesofmyoldvisitorIstoodupandsworetolieafterlie，fraudafterfraud，villainyaftervillainy，tillmysoulwascoatedinchesandinchesthickwithperjury，andmyself-respectgoneforeverandever。
Butwhatofit？，Itisnothingmorethanthousandsoftherichestandproudest，andmostrespected，honored，andcourtedmeninAmericadoeveryyear。AndsoIdon’tcare。Iamnotashamed。Ishallsimply，forthepresent，talklittleandeschewfire-proofgloves，lestIfallintocertaindreadfulhabitsirrevocably。
End
