第1章

AUGUSTINE’STESTIMONYCONCERNINGTHECONFESSIONS I。THERetractations，II，6(A。D。427) 1。MyConfessions，inthirteenbooks，praisetherighteousandgoodGodastheyspeakeitherofmyevilorgood，andtheyaremeanttoexcitemen’smindsandaffectionstowardhim。AtleastasfarasIamconcerned，thisiswhattheydidformewhentheywerebeingwrittenandtheystilldothiswhenread。Whatsomepeoplethinkofthemistheirownaffair[ipseviderint]；butI doknowthattheyhavegivenpleasuretomanyofmybrethrenandstilldoso。Thefirstthroughthetenthbookswerewrittenaboutmyself；theotherthreeaboutHolyScripture，fromwhatiswrittenthere，InthebeginningGodcreatedtheheavenandtheearth，[2] evenasfarasthereferencetotheSabbathrest。[3] 2。InBookIV，whenIconfessedmysoul’smiseryoverthedeathofafriendandsaidthatoursoulhadsomehowbeenmadeoneoutoftwosouls，”ButitmayhavebeenthatIwasafraidtodie，lestheshouldthendiewhollywhomIhadsogreatlyloved”(Ch。 VI，11)——thisnowseemstobemoreatrivialdeclamationthanaseriousconfession，althoughthisineptexpressionmaybetemperedsomewhatbythe”mayhavebeen”[forte]whichIadded。AndinBookXIIIwhatIsaid——”Thefirmamentwasmadebetweenthehigherwaters(andsuperior)andthelower(andinferior)waters”—— wassaidwithoutsufficientthought。Inanycase，thematterisveryobscure。 Thisworkbeginsthus:”Greatartthou，OLord。” II。DeDonoPerseverantiae，XX，53(A。D。428) Whichofmyshorterworkshasbeenmorewidelyknownorgivengreaterpleasurethanthe[thirteen]booksofmyConfessions？ And，althoughIpublishedthemlongbeforethePelagianheresyhadevenbeguntobe，itisplainthatinthemIsaidtomyGod，againandagain，”Givewhatthoucommandestandcommandwhatthouwilt。” WhenthesewordsofminewererepeatedinPelagius’presenceatRomebyacertainbrotherofmine(anepiscopalcolleague)，hecouldnotbearthemandcontradictedhimsoexcitedlythattheynearlycametoaquarrel。Nowwhat，indeed，doesGodcommand，firstandforemost，exceptthatwebelieveinhim？Thisfaith，therefore，hehimselfgives；sothatitiswellsaidtohim，”Givewhatthoucommandest。”Moreover，inthosesamebooks，concerningmyaccountofmyconversionwhenGodturnedmetothatfaithwhichIwaslayingwastewithaverywretchedandwildverbalassault，[4 ]doyounotrememberhowthenarrationshowsthatIwasgivenasagifttothefaithfulanddailytearsofmymother，whohadbeenpromisedthatIshouldnotperish？IcertainlydeclaredtherethatGodbyhisgraceturnsmen’swillstothetruefaithwhentheyarenotonlyaversetoit，butactuallyadverse。AsfortheotherwaysinwhichIsoughtGod’saidinmygrowthinperseverance，youeitherknoworcanreviewthemasyouwish(PL，45，c。1025)。 III。LettertoDarius(A。D。429) Thus，myson，takethebooksofmyConfessionsandusethemasagoodmanshould——notsuperficially，butasaChristianinChristiancharity。HereseemeasIamanddonotpraisemeformorethanIam。Herebelievenothingelseaboutmethanmyowntestimony。HereobservewhatIhavebeeninmyselfandthroughmyself。Andifsomethinginmepleasesyou，herepraiseHimwithme——himwhomIdesiretobepraisedonmyaccountandnotmyself。”Foritishethathathmadeusandnotweourselves。”[5] Indeed，wewereourselvesquitelost；buthewhomadeus，remadeus[sedquifecit，refecit]。As，then，youfindmeinthesepages，prayformethatIshallnotfailbutthatImaygoontobeperfected。Prayforme，myson，prayforme！(Epist。CCXXXI，PL，33，c。1025)。 TheConfessionsofSaintAugustineBOOKONE InGod’ssearchingpresence，Augustineundertakestoplumbthedepthsofhismemorytotracethemysteriouspilgrimageofgracewhichhislifehasbeen——andtopraiseGodforhisconstantandomnipotentgrace。Inamoodofsustainedprayer，herecallswhathecanofhisinfancy，hislearningtospeak，andhischildhoodexperiencesinschool。HeconcludeswithapaeanofgratefulpraisetoGod。 CHAPTERI 1。”Greatartthou，OLord，andgreatlytobepraised；greatisthypower，andinfiniteisthywisdom。”[6]Andmandesirestopraisethee，forheisapartofthycreation；hebearshismortalityaboutwithhimandcarriestheevidenceofhissinandtheproofthatthoudostresisttheproud。Stillhedesirestopraisethee，thismanwhoisonlyasmallpartofthycreation。 Thouhastpromptedhim，thatheshoulddelighttopraisethee，forthouhastmadeusforthyselfandrestlessisourheartuntilitcomestorestinthee。Grantme，OLord，toknowandunderstandwhetherfirsttoinvoketheeortopraisethee；whetherfirsttoknowtheeorcalluponthee。Butwhocaninvokethee，knowingtheenot？Forhewhoknowstheenotmayinvoketheeasanotherthanthouart。Itmaybethatweshouldinvoketheeinorderthatwemaycometoknowthee。But”howshalltheycallonhiminwhomtheyhavenotbelieved？Orhowshalltheybelievewithoutapreacher？”[7]Now，”theyshallpraisetheLordwhoseekhim，”[8] for”thosewhoseekshallfindhim，”[9]and，findinghim，shallpraisehim。Iwillseekthee，OLord，andcalluponthee。Icalluponthee，OLord，inmyfaithwhichthouhastgivenme，whichthouhastinspiredinmethroughthehumanityofthySon，andthroughtheministryofthypreacher。[10] CHAPTERII 2。AndhowshallIcalluponmyGod——myGodandmyLord？ ForwhenIcallonhimIaskhimtocomeintome。AndwhatplaceisthereinmeintowhichmyGodcancome？HowcouldGod，theGodwhomadebothheavenandearth，comeintome？Isthereanythinginme，OLordmyGod，thatcancontainthee？Doeventheheavenandtheearth，whichthouhastmade，andinwhichthoudidstmakeme，containthee？Isitpossiblethat，sincewithouttheenothingwouldbewhichdoesexist，thoudidstmakeitsothatwhateverexistshassomecapacitytoreceivethee？Why，then，doIasktheetocomeintome，sinceIalsoamandcouldnotbeifthouwertnotinme？ForIamnot，afterall，inhell——andyetthouarttheretoo，for”ifIgodownintohell，thouartthere。”[11] ThereforeIwouldnotexist——Iwouldsimplynotbeatall—— unlessIexistinthee，fromwhomandbywhomandinwhomallthingsare。Evenso，Lord；evenso。WheredoIcalltheeto，whenIamalreadyinthee？Orfromwhencewouldstthoucomeintome？Where，beyondheavenandearth，couldIgothattheremyGodmightcometome——hewhohathsaid，”Ifillheavenandearth”？[12] CHAPTERIII 3。Since，then，thoudostfilltheheavenandearth，dotheycontainthee？Or，dostthoufillandoverflowthem，becausetheycannotcontainthee？Andwheredostthoupouroutwhatremainsoftheeafterheavenandeartharefull？Or，indeed，istherenoneedthatthou，whodostcontainallthings，shouldstbecontainedbyany，sincethosethingswhichthoudostfillthoufillestbycontainingthem？Forthevesselswhichthoudostfilldonotconfinethee，sinceeveniftheywerebroken，thouwouldstnotbepouredout。And，whenthouartpouredoutonus，thouartnottherebybroughtdown；rather，weareuplifted。Thouartnotscattered；rather，thoudostgatherustogether。Butwhenthoudostfillallthings，dostthoufillthemwiththywholebeing？ Or，sincenotevenallthingstogethercouldcontaintheealtogether，doesanyonethingcontainasinglepart，anddoallthingscontainthatsamepartatthesametime？Dosingularscontaintheesingly？Dogreaterthingscontainmoreofthee，andsmallerthingsless？Or，isitnotratherthatthouartwhollypresenteverywhere，yetinsuchawaythatnothingcontainstheewholly？ CHAPTERIV 4。What，therefore，ismyGod？What，Iask，buttheLordGod？”ForwhoisLordbuttheLordhimself，orwhoisGodbesidesourGod？”[13]Mosthigh，mostexcellent，mostpotent，mostomnipotent；mostmercifulandmostjust；mostsecretandmosttrulypresent；mostbeautifulandmoststrong；stable，yetnotsupported；unchangeable，yetchangingallthings；nevernew，neverold；makingallthingsnew，yetbringingoldageupontheproud，andtheyknowitnot；alwaysworking，everatrest；gathering，yetneedingnothing；sustaining，pervading，andprotecting；creating，nourishing，anddeveloping；seeking，andyetpossessingallthings。Thoudostlove，butwithoutpassion；artjealous，yetfreefromcare；dostrepentwithoutremorse；artangry，yetremainestserene。Thouchangestthyways，leavingthyplansunchanged；thourecoverestwhatthouhastneverreallylost。Thouartneverinneedbutstillthoudostrejoiceatthygains；artnevergreedy，yetdemandestdividends。Menpaymorethanisrequiredsothatthoudostbecomeadebtor；yetwhocanpossessanythingatallwhichisnotalreadythine？Thouowestmennothing，yetpayestouttothemasifindebttothycreature，andwhenthoudostcanceldebtsthoulosestnothingthereby。Yet，O myGod，mylife，myholyJoy，whatisthisthatIhavesaid？Whatcananymansaywhenhespeaksofthee？Butwoetothemthatkeepsilence——sinceeventhosewhosaymostaredumb。 CHAPTERV 5。Whoshallbringmetorestinthee？WhowillsendtheeintomyheartsotooverwhelmitthatmysinsshallbeblottedoutandImayembracethee，myonlygood？Whatartthoutome？HavemercythatImayspeak。WhatamItotheethatthoushouldstcommandmetolovethee，andifIdoitnot，artangryandthreatenestvastmisery？Isit，then，atriflingsorrownottolovethee？Itisnotsotome。Tellme，bythymercy，OLord，myGod，whatthouarttome。”Saytomysoul，Iamyoursalvation。”[14]SospeakthatImayhear。Behold，theearsofmyheartarebeforethee，OLord；openthemand”saytomysoul，Iamyoursalvation。”Iwillhastenafterthatvoice，andIwilllayholduponthee。Hidenotthyfacefromme。EvenifIdie，letmeseethyfacelestIdie。 6。Thehouseofmysoulistoonarrowfortheetocomeintome；letitbeenlargedbythee。Itisinruins；dothourestoreit。Thereismuchaboutitwhichmustoffendthyeyes；Iconfessandknowit。Butwhowillcleanseit？Or，towhomshallIcrybuttothee？”Cleansethoumefrommysecretfaults，”OLord，”andkeepbackthyservantfromstrangesins。”[15]”Ibelieve，andthereforedoIspeak。”[16]Butthou，OLord，thouknowest。 HaveInotconfessedmytransgressionsuntothee，OmyGod；andhastthounotputawaytheiniquityofmyheart？[17]Idonotcontendinjudgmentwiththee，[18]whoarttruthitself；andI wouldnotdeceivemyself，lestmyiniquitylieeventoitself。I donot，therefore，contendinjudgmentwiththee，for”ifthou，Lord，shouldstmarkiniquities，OLord，whoshallstand？”[19] CHAPTERVI 7。Still，dustandashesasIam，allowmetospeakbeforethymercy。Allowmetospeak，for，behold，itistothymercythatIspeakandnottoamanwhoscornsme。Yetperhapseventhoumightestscornme；butwhenthoudostturnandattendtome，thouwilthavemercyuponme。ForwhatdoIwishtosay，OLordmyGod，butthatIknownotwhenceIcamehitherintothislife- in-death。OrshouldIcallitdeath-in-life？Idonotknow。Andyettheconsolationsofthymercyhavesustainedmefromtheverybeginning，asIhaveheardfrommyfleshlyparents，fromwhomandinwhomthoudidstformmeintime——forIcannotmyselfremember。Thuseventhoughtheysustainedmebytheconsolationofwoman’smilk，neithermymothernormynursesfilledtheirownbreastsbutthou，throughthem，didstgivemethefoodofinfancyaccordingtothyordinanceandthybountywhichunderlieallthings。Foritwasthouwhodidstcausemenottowantmorethanthougavestanditwasthouwhogavesttothosewhonourishedmethewilltogivemewhatthoudidstgivethem。Andthey，byaninstinctiveaffection，werewillingtogivemewhatthouhadstsuppliedabundantly。Itwas，indeed，goodforthemthatmygoodshouldcomethroughthem，though，intruth，itwasnotfromthembutbythem。Foritisfromthee，OGod，thatallgoodthingscome——andfrommyGodisallmyhealth。ThisiswhatIhavesincelearned，asthouhastmadeitabundantlyclearbyallthatI haveseentheegive，bothtomeandtothosearoundme。ForevenattheveryfirstIknewhowtosuck，toliequietwhenIwasfull，andtocrywheninpain——nothingmore。 8。AfterwardIbegantolaugh——atfirstinmysleep，thenwhenwaking。ForthisIhavebeentoldaboutmyselfandIbelieveit——thoughIcannotrememberit——forIseethesamethingsinotherinfants。Then，littlebylittle，IrealizedwhereIwasandwishedtotellmywishestothosewhomightsatisfythem，butI couldnot！Formywantswereinsideme，andtheywereoutside，andtheycouldnotbyanypoweroftheirscomeintomysoul。AndsoIwouldflingmyarmsandlegsaboutandcry，makingthefewandfeeblegesturesthatIcould，thoughindeedthesignswerenotmuchlikewhatIinwardlydesiredandwhenIwasnotsatisfied—— eitherfromnotbeingunderstoodorbecausewhatIgotwasnotgoodforme——IgrewindignantthatmyelderswerenotsubjecttomeandthatthoseonwhomIactuallyhadnoclaimdidnotwaitonmeasslaves——andIavengedmyselfonthembycrying。Thatinfantsarelikethis，Ihavemyselfbeenabletolearnbywatchingthem；andthey，thoughtheyknewmenot，haveshownmebetterwhatIwaslikethanmyownnurseswhoknewme。 9。And，behold，myinfancydiedlongago，butIamstillliving。Butthou，OLord，whoselifeisforeverandinwhomnothingdies——sincebeforetheworldwas，indeed，beforeallthatcanbecalled”before，”thouwast，andthouarttheGodandLordofallthycreatures；andwiththeeabideallthestablecausesofallunstablethings，theunchangingsourcesofallchangeablethings，andtheeternalreasonsofallnon-rationalandtemporalthings——tellme，thysuppliant，OGod，tellme，O mercifulOne，inpitytellapitifulcreaturewhethermyinfancyfollowedyetanearlierageofmylifethathadalreadypassedawaybeforeit。WasitsuchanotheragewhichIspentinmymother’swomb？Forsomethingofthatsorthasbeensuggestedtome，andIhavemyselfseenpregnantwomen。Butwhat，OGod，myJoy，preceded_that_periodoflife？WasI，indeed，anywhere，oranybody？Noonecanexplainthesethingstome，neitherfathernormother，northeexperienceofothers，normyownmemory。Dostthoulaughatmeforaskingsuchthings？OrdostthoucommandmetopraiseandconfessuntotheeonlywhatIknow？ 10。Igivethankstothee，OLordofheavenandearth，givingpraisetotheeforthatfirstbeingandmyinfancyofwhichIhavenomemory。Forthouhastgrantedtomanthatheshouldcometoself-knowledgethroughtheknowledgeofothers，andthatheshouldbelievemanythingsabouthimselfontheauthorityofthewomenfolk。Now，clearly，Ihadlifeandbeing；and，asmyinfancyclosed，Iwasalreadylearningsignsbywhichmyfeelingscouldbecommunicatedtoothers。 Whencecouldsuchacreaturecomebutfromthee，OLord？Isanymanskillfulenoughtohavefashionedhimself？Oristhereanyothersourcefromwhichbeingandlifecouldflowintous，savethis，thatthou，OLord，hastmadeus——thouwithwhombeingandlifeareone，sincethouthyselfartsupremebeingandsupremelifebothtogether。Forthouartinfiniteandintheethereisnochange，noranendtothispresentday——althoughthereisasenseinwhichitendsintheesinceallthingsareintheeandtherewouldbenosuchthingasdayspassingawayunlessthoudidstsustainthem。Andsince”thyyearsshallhavenoend，”[20] thyyearsareanever-presentday。Andhowmanyofoursandourfathers’dayshavepassedthroughthisthydayandhavereceivedfromitwhatmeasureandfashionofbeingtheyhad？Andallthedaystocomeshallsoreceiveandsopassaway。”Butthouartthesame”！[21]Andallthethingsoftomorrowandthedaysyettocome，andallofyesterdayandthedaysthatarepast，thouwiltgatherintothisthyday。Whatisittomeifsomeonedoesnotunderstandthis？Lethimstillrejoiceandcontinuetoask，”Whatisthis？”Lethimalsorejoiceandprefertoseekthee，evenifhefailstofindananswer，ratherthantoseekananswerandnotfindthee！ CHAPTERVII 11。”Hearme，OGod！Woetothesinsofmen！”Whenamancriesthus，thoushowesthimmercy，forthoudidstcreatethemanbutnotthesininhim。Whobringstoremembrancethesinsofmyinfancy？Forinthysightthereisnonefreefromsin，noteventheinfantwhohaslivedbutadayuponthisearth。Whobringsthistomyremembrance？Doesnoteachlittleone，inwhomInowobservewhatInolongerrememberofmyself？Inwhatways，inthattime，didIsin？WasitthatIcriedforthebreast？IfI shouldnowsocry——notindeedforthebreast，butforfoodsuitabletomycondition——Ishouldbemostjustlylaughedatandrebuked。WhatIdidthendeservedrebukebut，sinceIcouldnotunderstandthosewhorebukedme，neithercustomnorcommonsensepermittedmetoberebuked。Aswegrowwerootoutandcastawayfromussuchchildishhabits。YetIhavenotseenanyonewhoiswisewhocastawaythegoodwhentryingtopurgethebad。Norwasitgood，eveninthattime，tostrivetogetbycryingwhat，ifithadbeengivenme，wouldhavebeenhurtful；ortobebitterlyindignantatthosewho，becausetheywereolder——notslaves，either，butfree——andwiserthanI，wouldnotindulgemycapriciousdesires。Wasitagoodthingformetotry，bystrugglingashardasIcould，toharmthemfornotobeyingme，evenwhenitwouldhavedonemeharmtohavebeenobeyed？Thus，theinfant’sinnocenceliesintheweaknessofhisbodyandnotintheinfantmind。Ihavemyselfobservedababytobejealous，thoughitcouldnotspeak；itwaslividasitwatchedanotherinfantatthebreast。 Whoisignorantofthis？MothersandnursestellusthattheycurethesethingsbyIknownotwhatremedies。Butisthisinnocence，whenthefountainofmilkisflowingfreshandabundant，thatanotherwhoneedsitshouldnotbeallowedtoshareit，eventhoughherequiressuchnourishmenttosustainhislife？ Yetwelooklenientlyonsuchthings，notbecausetheyarenotfaults，orevensmallfaults，butbecausetheywillvanishastheyearspass。For，althoughweallowforsuchthingsinaninfant，thesamethingscouldnotbetoleratedpatientlyinanadult。 12。Therefore，OLordmyGod，thouwhogavestlifetotheinfant，andabodywhich，aswesee，thouhastfurnishedwithsenses，shapedwithlimbs，beautifiedwithform，andendowedwithallvitalenergiesforitswell-beingandhealth——thoudostcommandmetopraisetheeforthesethings，togivethanksuntotheLord，andtosingpraiseuntohisname，OMostHigh。[22]ForthouartGod，omnipotentandgood，evenifthouhadstdonenomorethanthesethings，whichnootherbutthoucanstdo——thoualonewhomadestallthingsfairanddidstordereverythingaccordingtothylaw。 Iamloathtodwellonthispartofmylifeofwhich，OLord，Ihavenoremembrance，aboutwhichImusttrustthewordofothersandwhatIcansurmisefromobservingotherinfants，evenifsuchguessesaretrustworthy。ForitliesinthedeepmurkofmyforgetfulnessandthusisliketheperiodwhichIpassedinmymother’swomb。Butif”Iwasconceivedininiquity，andinsinmymothernourishedmeinherwomb，”[23]where，Ipraythee，OmyGod，where，OLord，orwhenwasI，thyservant，everinnocent？ Butseenow，Ipassoverthatperiod，forwhathaveItodowithatimefromwhichIcanrecallnomemories？ CHAPTERVIII 13。DidInot，then，asIgrewoutofinfancy，comenexttoboyhood，orratherdiditnotcometomeandsucceedmyinfancy？ Myinfancydidnotgoaway(forwherewoulditgo？)。Itwassimplynolongerpresent；andIwasnolongeraninfantwhocouldnotspeak，butnowachatteringboy。Irememberthis，andIhavesinceobservedhowIlearnedtospeak。Myeldersdidnotteachmewordsbyrote，astheytaughtmemylettersafterward。ButI myself，whenIwasunabletocommunicateallIwishedtosaytowhomeverIwishedbymeansofwhimperingsandgruntsandvariousgesturesofmylimbs(whichIusedtoreinforcemydemands)，I myselfrepeatedthesoundsalreadystoredinmymemorybythemindwhichthou，OmyGod，hadstgivenme。Whentheycalledsomethingbynameandpointeditoutwhiletheyspoke，Isawitandrealizedthatthethingtheywishedtoindicatewascalledbythenametheythenuttered。Andwhattheymeantwasmadeplainbythegesturesoftheirbodies，byakindofnaturallanguage，commontoallnations，whichexpressesitselfthroughchangesofcountenance，glancesoftheeye，gesturesandintonationswhichindicateadispositionandattitude——eithertoseekortopossess，torejectortoavoid。Soitwasthatbyfrequentlyhearingwords，indifferentphrases，Igraduallyidentifiedtheobjectswhichthewordsstoodforand，havingformedmymouthtorepeatthesesigns，Iwastherebyabletoexpressmywill。ThusIexchangedwiththoseaboutmetheverbalsignsbywhichweexpressourwishesandadvanceddeeperintothestormyfellowshipofhumanlife，dependingallthewhileupontheauthorityofmyparentsandthebehestofmyelders。 CHAPTERIX 14。OmyGod！WhatmiseriesandmockeriesdidIthenexperiencewhenitwasimpressedonmethatobediencetomyteacherswaspropertomyboyhoodestateifIwastoflourishinthisworldanddistinguishmyselfinthosetricksofspeechwhichwouldgainhonorformeamongmen，anddeceitfulriches！TothisendIwassenttoschooltogetlearning，thevalueofwhichI knewnot——wretchthatIwas。YetifIwasslowtolearn，Iwasflogged。Forthiswasdeemedpraiseworthybyourforefathersandmanyhadpassedbeforeusinthesamecourse，andthushadbuiltuptheprecedentforthesorrowfulroadonwhichwetoowerecompelledtotravel，multiplyinglaborandsorrowuponthesonsofAdam。Aboutthistime，OLord，Iobservedmenprayingtothee，andIlearnedfromthemtoconceivethee——aftermycapacityforunderstandingasitwasthen——tobesomegreatBeing，who，thoughnotvisibletooursenses，wasabletohearandhelpus。 ThusasaboyIbegantopraytothee，myHelpandmyRefuge，and，incallingonthee，brokethebandsofmytongue。SmallasIwas，IprayedwithnoslightearnestnessthatImightnotbebeatenatschool。Andwhenthoudidstnotheedme——forthatwouldhavebeengivingmeovertomyfolly——myeldersandevenmyparentstoo，whowishedmenoill，treatedmystripesasajoke，thoughtheywerethenagreatandgrievousilltome。 15。Isthereanyone，OLord，withaspiritsogreat，whocleavestotheewithsuchsteadfastaffection(oristhereevenakindofobtusenessthathasthesameeffect)——isthereanymanwho，bycleavingdevoutlytothee，isendowedwithsogreatacouragethathecanregardindifferentlythoseracksandhooksandothertortureweaponsfromwhichmenthroughouttheworldpraysoferventlytobespared；andcantheyscornthosewhosogreatlyfearthesetorments，justasmyparentswereamusedatthetormentswithwhichourteacherspunishedusboys？Forwewerenolessafraidofourpains，nordidwebeseechtheelesstoescapethem。Yet，evenso，weweresinningbywritingorreadingorstudyinglessthanourassignedlessons。 ForIdidnot，OLord，lackmemoryorcapacity，for，bythywill，Ipossessedenoughformyage。However，mymindwasabsorbedonlyinplay，andIwaspunishedforthisbythosewhoweredoingthesamethingsthemselves。Buttheidlingofoureldersiscalledbusiness；theidlingofboys，thoughquitelikeit，ispunishedbythosesameelders，andnoonepitieseithertheboysorthemen。ForwillanycommonsenseobserveragreethatI wasrightlypunishedasaboyforplayingball——justbecausethishinderedmefromlearningmorequicklythoselessonsbymeansofwhich，asaman，Icouldplayatmoreshamefulgames？AnddidhebywhomIwasbeatendoanythingdifferent？Whenhewasworstedinsomesmallcontroversywithafellowteacher，hewasmoretormentedbyangerandenvythanIwaswhenbeatenbyaplaymateintheballgame。 CHAPTERX 16。AndyetIsinned，OLordmyGod，thourulerandcreatorofallnaturalthings——butofsinsonlytheruler——Isinned，O LordmyGod，inactingagainstthepreceptsofmyparentsandofthoseteachers。Forthislearningwhichtheywishedmetoacquire——nomatterwhattheirmotiveswere——Imighthaveputtogoodaccountafterward。Idisobeyedthem，notbecauseIhadchosenabetterway，butfromasheerloveofplay。Ilovedthevanityofvictory，andIlovedtohavemyearstickledwithlyingfables，whichmadethemitchevenmoreardently，andasimilarcuriosityglowedmoreandmoreinmyeyesfortheshowsandsportsofmyelders。Yetthosewhoputonsuchshowsareheldinsuchhighreputethatalmostalldesirethesamefortheirchildren。Theyarethereforewillingtohavethembeaten，iftheirchildhoodgameskeepthemfromthestudiesbywhichtheirparentsdesirethemtogrowuptobeabletogivesuchshows。Lookdownonthesethingswithmercy，OLord，anddeliveruswhonowcalluponthee； deliverthosealsowhodonotcalluponthee，thattheymaycalluponthee，andthoumayestdeliverthem。 CHAPTERXI 17。EvenasaboyIhadheardofeternallifepromisedtousthroughthehumilityoftheLordourGod，whocamedowntovisitusinourpride，andIwassignedwiththesignofhiscross，andwasseasonedwithhissaltevenfromthewombofmymother，whogreatlytrustedinthee。Thoudidstsee，OLord，how，once，whileIwasstillachild，Iwassuddenlyseizedwithstomachpainsandwasatthepointofdeath——thoudidstsee，OmyGod，foreventhenthouwastmykeeper，withwhatagitationandwithwhatfaithIsolicitedfromthepietyofmymotherandfromthyChurch(whichisthemotherofusall)thebaptismofthyChrist，myLordandmyGod。Themotherofmyfleshwasmuchperplexed，for，withaheartpureinthyfaith，shewasalwaysindeeptravailformyeternalsalvation。IfIhadnotquicklyrecovered，shewouldhaveprovidedforthwithformyinitiationandwashingbythylife- givingsacraments，confessingthee，OLordJesus，fortheforgivenessofsins。Somycleansingwasdeferred，asifitwereinevitablethat，ifIshouldlive，Iwouldbefurtherpolluted； and，further，becausetheguiltcontractedbysinafterbaptismwouldbestillgreaterandmoreperilous。 Thus，atthattime，I”believed”alongwithmymotherandthewholehousehold，exceptmyfather。Buthedidnotovercometheinfluenceofmymother’spietyinme，nordidhepreventmybelievinginChrist，althoughhehadnotyetbelievedinhim。Foritwasherdesire，OmyGod，thatIshouldacknowledgetheeasmyFatherratherthanhim。Inthisthoudidstaidhertoovercomeherhusband，towhom，thoughhissuperior，sheyieldedobedience。 Inthiswayshealsoyieldedobediencetothee，whodostsocommand。 18。Iaskthee，OmyGod，forIwouldgladlyknowifitbethywill，towhatgoodendmybaptismwasdeferredatthattime？ Wasitindeedformygoodthatthereinswereslackened，asitwere，toencouragemeinsin？Or，weretheynotslackened？Ifnot，thenwhyisitstilldinnedintoourearsonallsides，”Lethimalone，lethimdoashepleases，forheisnotyetbaptized”？ Inthematterofbodilyhealth，noonesays，”Lethimalone；lethimbeworsewounded；forheisnotyetcured”！Howmuchbetter，then，wouldithavebeenformetohavebeencuredatonce——andifthereafter，throughthediligentcareoffriendsandmyself，mysoul’srestoredhealthhadbeenkeptsafeinthykeeping，whogaveitinthefirstplace！Thiswouldhavebeenfarbetter，intruth。 ButhowmanyandgreatthewavesoftemptationwhichappearedtohangovermeasIgrewoutofchildhood！Thesewereforeseenbymymother，andshepreferredthattheunformedclayshouldberiskedtothemratherthantheclaymoldedafterChrist’simage。[24] CHAPTERXII 19。Butinthistimeofchildhood——whichwasfarlessdreadedformethanmyadolescence——Ihadnoloveoflearning，andhatedtobedriventoit。YetIwasdriventoitjustthesame，andgoodwasdoneforme，eventhoughIdidnotdoitwell，forIwouldnothavelearnedifIhadnotbeenforcedtoit。Fornomandoeswellagainsthiswill，evenifwhathedoesisagoodthing。Neitherdidtheywhoforcedmedowell，butthegoodthatwasdonemecamefromthee，myGod。FortheydidnotcareaboutthewayinwhichIwouldusewhattheyforcedmetolearn，andtookitforgrantedthatitwastosatisfytheinordinatedesiresofarichbeggaryandashamefulglory。Butthou，Lord，bywhomthehairsofourheadarenumbered，didstuseformygoodtheerrorofallwhopushedmeontostudy:butmyerrorinnotbeingwillingtolearnthoudidstuseformypunishment。AndI—— thoughsosmallaboyyetsogreatasinner——wasnotpunishedwithoutwarrant。Thusbytheinstrumentalityofthosewhodidnotdowell，thoudidstwellforme；andbymyownsinthoudidstjustlypunishme。Foritisevenasthouhastordained:thateveryinordinateaffectionbringsonitsownpunishment。 CHAPTERXIII 20。ButwhatwerethecausesformystrongdislikeofGreekliterature，whichIstudiedfrommyboyhood？EventothisdayI havenotfullyunderstoodthem。ForLatinIlovedexceedingly—— notjusttherudiments，butwhatthegrammariansteach。Forthosebeginner’slessonsinreading，writing，andreckoning，I considerednolessaburdenandpainthanGreek。Yetwhencecamethis，unlessfromthesinandvanityofthislife？ForIwas”butflesh，awindthatpassethawayandcomethnotagain。”[25]Thosefirstlessonswerebetter，assuredly，becausetheyweremorecertain，andthroughthemIacquired，andstillretain，thepowerofreadingwhatIfindwrittenandofwritingformyselfwhatI will。Intheothersubjects，however，IwascompelledtolearnaboutthewanderingsofacertainAeneas，obliviousofmyownwanderings，andtoweepforDidodead，whoslewherselfforlove。 AndallthiswhileIborewithdryeyesmyownwretchedselfdyingtothee，OGod，mylife，inthemidstofthesethings。 21。Forwhatcanbemorewretchedthanthewretchwhohasnopityuponhimself，whoshedstearsoverDido，deadfortheloveofAeneas，butwhoshedsnotearsforhisowndeathinnotlovingthee，OGod，lightofmyheart，andbreadoftheinnermouthofmysoul，Opowerthatlinkstogethermymindwithmyinmostthoughts？ Ididnotlovethee，andthuscommittedfornicationagainstthee。[26]Thosearoundme，alsosinning，thuscriedout:”Welldone！Welldone！”Thefriendshipofthisworldisfornicationagainstthee；and”Welldone！Welldone！”iscrieduntilonefeelsashamednottoshowhimselfamaninthisway。FormyownconditionIshednotears，thoughIweptforDido，who”soughtdeathatthesword’spoint，”[27]whileImyselfwasseekingthelowestrungofthycreation，havingforsakenthee；earthsinkingbacktoearthagain。And，ifIhadbeenforbiddentoreadthesepoems，IwouldhavegrievedthatIwasnotallowedtoreadwhatgrievedme。Thissortofmadnessisconsideredmorehonorableandmorefruitfullearningthanthebeginner’scourseinwhichI learnedtoreadandwrite。 22。Butnow，OmyGod，cryuntomysoul，andletthytruthsaytome:”Notso，notso！Thatfirstlearningwasfarbetter。” For，obviously，IwouldratherforgetthewanderingsofAeneas，andallsuchthings，thanforgethowtowriteandread。Still，overtheentranceofthegrammarschooltherehangsaveil。Thisisnotsomuchthesignofacoveringforamysteryasacurtainforerror。Letthemexclaimagainstme——thoseInolongerfear——whileIconfesstothee，myGod，whatmysouldesires，andletmefindsomerest，forinblamingmyownevilwaysImaycometolovethyholyways。Neitherletthosecryoutagainstmewhobuyandsellthebaublesofliterature。ForifIaskthemifitistrue，asthepoetsays，thatAeneasoncecametoCarthage，theunlearnedwillreplythattheydonotknowandthelearnedwilldenythatitistrue。ButifIaskwithwhatlettersthenameAeneasiswritten，allwhohaveeverlearnedthiswillanswercorrectly，inaccordancewiththeconventionalunderstandingmenhaveagreeduponastothesesigns。Again，ifIshouldaskwhichwouldcausethegreatestinconvenienceinourlife，ifitwereforgotten:readingandwriting，orthesepoeticalfictions，whodoesnotseewhateveryonewouldanswerwhohadnotentirelylosthisownmemory？Ierred，then，whenasaboyIpreferredthosevainstudiestothesemoreprofitableones，orratherlovedtheoneandhatedtheother。”Oneandonearetwo，twoandtwoarefour”:thiswasthenatrulyhatefulsongtome。Butthewoodenhorsefullofitsarmedsoldiers，andtheholocaustofTroy，andthespectralimageofCreusawereallamostdelightful——andvain——show！[28] 23。Butwhy，then，didIdislikeGreeklearning，whichwasfullofsuchtales？ForHomerwasskillfulininventingsuchpoeticfictionsandismostsweetlywanton；yetwhenIwasaboy，hewasmostdisagreeabletome。IbelievethatVirgilwouldhavethesameeffectonGreekboysasHomerdidonmeiftheywereforcedtolearnhim。ForthetediumoflearningaforeignlanguagemingledgallintothesweetnessofthoseGrecianmyths。 ForIdidnotunderstandawordofthelanguage，andyetIwasdrivenwiththreatsandcruelpunishmentstolearnit。Therewasalsoatimewhen，asaninfant，IknewnoLatin；butthisI acquiredwithoutanyfearortormenting，butmerelybybeingalerttotheblandishmentsofmynurses，thejestsofthosewhosmiledonme，andthesportivenessofthosewhotoyedwithme。Ilearnedallthis，indeed，withoutbeingurgedbyanypressureofpunishment，formyownhearturgedmetobringforthitsownfashioning，whichIcouldnotdoexceptbylearningwords:notfromthosewhotaughtmebutthosewhotalkedtome，intowhoseearsIcouldpourforthwhateverIcouldfashion。Fromthisitissufficientlyclearthatafreecuriosityismoreeffectiveinlearningthanadisciplinebasedonfear。Yet，bythyordinance，OGod，disciplineisgiventorestraintheexcessesoffreedom； thisrangesfromtheferuleoftheschoolmastertothetrialsofthemartyrandhastheeffectofminglingforusawholesomebitterness，whichcallsusbacktotheefromthepoisonouspleasuresthatfirstdrewusfromthee。 CHAPTERXV 24。Hearmyprayer，OLord；letnotmysoulfaintunderthydiscipline，norletmefaintinconfessinguntotheethymercies，wherebythouhastsavedmefromallmymostwickedwaystillthoushouldstbecomesweettomebeyondalltheallurementsthatIusedtofollow。Letmecometolovetheewholly，andgraspthyhandwithmywholeheartthatthoumayestdelivermefromeverytemptation，evenuntothelast。Andthus，OLord，myKingandmyGod，mayallthingsusefulthatIlearnedasaboynowbeofferedinthyservice——letitbethatforthyserviceInowspeakandwriteandreckon。ForwhenIwaslearningvainthings，thoudidstimposethydisciplineuponme:andthouhastforgivenmemysinofdelightinginthosevanities。InthosestudiesIlearnedmanyausefulword，butthesemighthavebeenlearnedinmattersnotsovain；andsurelythatisthesafewayforyouthstowalkin。 CHAPTERXVI 25。Butwoeuntoyou，Otorrentofhumancustom！Whoshallstayyourcourse？Whenwillyoueverrundry？HowlongwillyoucarrydownthesonsofEveintothatvastandhideousocean，whicheventhosewhohavetheTree(foranark)[29]canscarcelypassover？DoInotreadinyouthestoriesofJovethethunderer—— andtheadulterer？[30]Howcouldhebeboth？Butsoitsays，andtheshamthunderservedasacloakforhimtoplayatrealadultery。Yetwhichofourgownedmasterswillgiveatemperedhearingtoamantrainedintheirownschoolswhocriesoutandsays:”ThesewereHomer’sfictions；hetransfersthingshumantothegods。Icouldhavewishedthathewouldtransferdivinethingstous。”[31]Butitwouldhavebeenmoretrueifhesaid，”Theseare，indeed，hisfictions，butheattributeddivineattributestosinfulmen，thatcrimesmightnotbeaccountedcrimes，andthatwhoevercommittedsuchcrimesmightappeartoimitatethecelestialgodsandnotabandonedmen。” 26。Andyet，Otorrentofhell，thesonsofmenarestillcastintoyou，andtheypayfeesforlearningallthesethings。 Andmuchismadeofitwhenthisgoesonintheforumundertheauspicesoflawswhichgiveasalaryoverandabovethefees。Andyoubeatagainstyourrockyshoreandroar:”Herewordsmaybelearned；hereyoucanattaintheeloquencewhichissonecessarytopersuadepeopletoyourwayofthinking；sohelpfulinunfoldingyouropinions。”Verily，theyseemtoarguethatweshouldneverhaveunderstoodthesewords，”goldenshower，””bosom，””intrigue，””highestheavens，”andothersuchwords，ifTerencehadnotintroducedagood-for-nothingyouthuponthestage，settingupapictureofJoveashisexampleoflewdnessandtellingthetale”OfJove’sdescendinginagoldenshowerIntoDanae’sbosom…… Withawomantointrigue。” Seehowheexciteshimselftolust，asifbyaheavenlyauthority，whenhesays:”GreatJove，Whoshakesthehighestheavenswithhisthunder； ShallI，poormortalman，notdothesame？ I’vedoneit，andwithallmyheart，I’mglad。”[32] Thesewordsarenotlearnedonewhitmoreeasilybecauseofthisvileness，butthroughthemthevilenessismoreboldlyperpetrated。Idonotblamethewords，fortheyare，asitwere，choiceandpreciousvessels，butIdodeplorethewineoferrorwhichwaspouredouttousbyteachersalreadydrunk。And，unlesswealsodrankwewerebeaten，withoutlibertyofappealtoasoberjudge。Andyet，OmyGod，inwhosepresenceIcannowwithsecurityrecallthis，Ilearnedthesethingswillinglyandwithdelight，andforitIwascalledaboyofgoodpromise。 CHAPTERXVII 27。Bearwithme，OmyGod，whileIspeakalittleofthosetalents，thygifts，andofthefolliesonwhichIwastedthem。 Foralessonwasgivenmethatsufficientlydisturbedmysoul，forinittherewasbothhopeofpraiseandfearofshameorstripes。 TheassignmentwasthatIshoulddeclaimthewordsofJuno，assheragedandsorrowedthatshecouldnot”BaroffItalyFromalltheapproachesoftheTeucrianking。”[33] IhadlearnedthatJunohadneverutteredthesewords。Yetwewerecompelledtostrayinthefootstepsofthesepoeticfictions，andtoturnintoprosewhatthepoethadsaidinverse。 Inthedeclamation，theboywonmostapplausewhomoststrikinglyreproducedthepassionsofangerandsorrowaccordingtothe”character”ofthepersonspresentedandwhoclotheditallinthemostsuitablelanguage。Whatisitnowtome，OmytrueLife，myGod，thatmydeclaimingwasapplaudedabovethatofmanyofmyclassmatesandfellowstudents？Actually，wasnotallthatsmokeandwind？Besides，wastherenothingelseonwhichIcouldhaveexercisedmywitandtongue？Thypraise，OLord，thypraisesmighthaveproppedupthetendrilsofmyheartbythyScriptures； anditwouldnothavebeendraggedawaybytheseemptytrifles，ashamefulpreytothespiritsoftheair。Forthereismorethanonewayinwhichmensacrificetothefallenangels。 CHAPTERXVIII 28。ButitwasnowonderthatIwasthuscarriedtowardvanityandwasestrangedfromthee，OmyGod，whenmenwereheldupasmodelstomewho，whenrelatingadeedoftheirs——notinitselfevil——werecoveredwithconfusioniffoundguiltyofabarbarismorasolecism；butwhocouldtelloftheirownlicentiousnessandbeapplaudedforit，solongastheydiditinafullandornateorationofwell-chosenwords。Thouseestallthis，OLord，anddostkeepsilence——”long-suffering，andplenteousinmercyandtruth”[34]asthouart。Wiltthoukeepsilenceforever？Evennowthoudrawestfromthatvastdeepthesoulthatseekstheeandthirstsafterthydelight，whose”heartsaiduntothee，？Ihavesoughtthyface；thyface，Lord，willI seek。’”[35]ForIwasfarfromthyfaceinthedarkshadowsofpassion。Foritisnotbyourfeet，norbychangeofplace，thatweeitherturnfromtheeorreturntothee。Thatyoungersondidnotcharterhorsesorchariots，orships，orflyawayonvisiblewings，orjourneybywalkingsothatinthefarcountryhemightprodigallywasteallthatthoudidstgivehimwhenhesetout。[36] AkindFatherwhenthougavest；andkinderstillwhenhereturneddestitute！Tobewanton，thatistosay，tobedarkenedinheart——thisistobefarfromthyface。 29。Lookdown，OLordGod，andseepatiently，asthouartwonttodo，howdiligentlythesonsofmenobservetheconventionalrulesoflettersandsyllables，taughtthembythosewholearnedtheirlettersbeforehand，whiletheyneglecttheeternalrulesofeverlastingsalvationtaughtbythee。Theycarryitsofarthatifhewhopracticesorteachestheestablishedrulesofpronunciationshouldspeak(contrarytogrammaticalusage)withoutaspiratingthefirstsyllableof”hominem” [”ominem，”andthusmakeit”a’umanbeing”]，hewilloffendmenmorethanifhe，ahumanbeing，wereto_hate_anotherhumanbeingcontrarytothycommandments。Itisasifheshouldfeelthatthereisanenemywhocouldbemoredestructivetohimselfthanthathatredwhichexciteshimagainsthisfellowman；orthathecoulddestroyhimwhomhehatesmorecompletelythanhedestroyshisownsoulbythissamehatred。Now，obviously，thereisnoknowledgeoflettersmoreinnatethanthewritingofconscience—— againstdoinguntoanotherwhatonewouldnothavedonetohimself。 Howmysteriousthouart，who”dwellestonhigh”[37]insilence。Othou，theonlygreatGod，whobyanunweariedlawhurlestdownthepenaltyofblindnesstounlawfuldesire！Whenamanseekingthereputationofeloquencestandsbeforeahumanjudge，whileathrongingmultitudesurroundshim，andinveighsagainsthisenemywiththemostfiercehatred，hetakesmostvigilantheedthathistonguedoesnotslipinagrammaticalerror，forexample，andsayinterhominibus[insteadofinterhomines]，buthetakesnoheedlest，inthefuryofhisspirit，hecutoffamanfromhisfellowmen[exhominibus]。 30。ThesewerethecustomsinthemidstofwhichIwascast，anunhappyboy。ThiswasthewrestlingarenainwhichIwasmorefearfulofperpetratingabarbarismthan，havingdoneso，ofenvyingthosewhohadnot。ThesethingsIdeclareandconfesstothee，myGod。IwasapplaudedbythosewhomIthenthoughtitmywholedutytoplease，forIdidnotperceivethegulfofinfamywhereinIwascastawayfromthyeyes。 Forinthyeyes，whatwasmoreinfamousthanIwasalready，sinceIdispleasedevenmyownkindanddeceived，withendlesslies，mytutor，mymastersandparents——allfromaloveofplay，acravingforfrivolousspectacles，astage-struckrestlessnesstoimitatewhatIsawintheseshows？Ipilferedfrommyparents’ cellarandtable，sometimesdrivenbygluttony，sometimesjusttohavesomethingtogivetootherboysinexchangefortheirbaubles，whichtheywerepreparedtoselleventhoughtheylikedthemaswellasI。Moreover，inthiskindofplay，Ioftensoughtdishonestvictories，beingmyselfconqueredbythevaindesireforpre-eminence。AndwhatwasIsounwillingtoendure，andwhatwasitthatIcensuredsoviolentlywhenIcaughtanyone，excepttheverythingsIdidtoothers？And，whenIwasmyselfdetectedandcensured，Ipreferredtoquarrelratherthantoyield。Isthistheinnocenceofchildhood？Itisnot，OLord，itisnot。I entreatthymercy，OmyGod，forthesesamesinsaswegrowolderaretransferredfromtutorsandmasters；theypassfromnutsandballsandsparrows，tomagistratesandkings，togoldandlandsandslaves，justastherodissucceededbymoreseverechastisements。Itwas，then，thefactofhumilityinchildhoodthatthou，OourKing，didstapproveasasymbolofhumilitywhenthousaidst，”OfsuchistheKingdomofHeaven。”[38] CHAPTERXIX 31。However，OLord，totheemostexcellentandmostgood，thouArchitectandGovernoroftheuniverse，thankswouldbeduethee，OourGod，evenifthouhadstnotwilledthatIshouldsurvivemyboyhood。ForIexistedeventhen；Ilivedandfeltandwassolicitousaboutmyownwell-being——atraceofthatmostmysteriousunityfromwhenceIhadmybeing。[39]Ikeptwatch，bymyinnersense，overtheintegrityofmyoutersenses，andeveninthesetriflesandalsoinmythoughtsabouttrifles，Ilearnedtotakepleasureintruth。Iwasaversetobeingdeceived；Ihadavigorousmemory；Iwasgiftedwiththepowerofspeech，wassoftenedbyfriendship，shunnedsorrow，meanness，ignorance。Isnotsuchananimatedcreatureasthiswonderfulandpraiseworthy？ ButallthesearegiftsofmyGod；Ididnotgivethemtomyself。 Moreover，theyaregood，andtheyalltogetherconstitutemyself。 Good，then，ishethatmademe，andheismyGod；andbeforehimwillIrejoiceexceedinglyforeverygoodgiftwhich，evenasaboy，Ihad。Buthereinlaymysin，thatitwasnotinhim，butinhiscreatures——myselfandtherest——thatIsoughtforpleasures，honors，andtruths。AndIfelltherebyintosorrows，troubles，anderrors。Thanksbetothee，myjoy，mypride，myconfidence，myGod——thanksbetotheeforthygifts；butdothoupreservetheminme。Forthuswiltthoupreserveme；andthosethingswhichthouhastgivenmeshallbedevelopedandperfected，andImyselfshallbewiththee，forfromtheeismybeing。 BOOKTWO Heconcentrateshereonhissixteenthyear，ayearofidleness，lust，andadolescentmischief。Thememoryofstealingsomepearspromptsadeepprobingofthemotivesandaimsofsinfulacts。”I becametomyselfawasteland。” CHAPTERI 1。Iwishnowtoreviewinmemorymypastwickednessandthecarnalcorruptionsofmysoul——notbecauseIstilllovethem，butthatImaylovethee，OmyGod。ForloveofthyloveIdothis，recallinginthebitternessofself-examinationmywickedways，thatthoumayestgrowsweettome，thousweetnesswithoutdeception！Thousweetnesshappyandassured！ThusthoumayestgathermeupoutofthosefragmentsinwhichIwastorntopieces，whileIturnedawayfromthee，OUnity，andlostmyselfamong”themany。”[40]ForasIbecameayouth，Ilongedtobesatisfiedwithworldlythings，andIdaredtogrowwildinasuccessionofvariousandshadowyloves。Myformwastedaway，andIbecamecorruptinthyeyes，yetIwasstillpleasingtomyowneyes—— andeagertopleasetheeyesofmen。 CHAPTERII 2。Butwhatwasitthatdelightedmesavetoloveandtobeloved？StillIdidnotkeepthemoderatewayoftheloveofmindtomind——thebrightpathoffriendship。Instead，themistsofpassionsteamedupoutofthepuddlyconcupiscenceoftheflesh，andthehotimaginationofpuberty，andtheysoobscuredandovercastmyheartthatIwasunabletodistinguishpureaffectionfromunholydesire。Bothboiledconfusedlywithinme，anddraggedmyunstableyouthdownoverthecliffsofunchastedesiresandplungedmeintoagulfofinfamy。Thyangerhadcomeuponme，andIknewitnot。Ihadbeendeafenedbytheclankingofthechainsofmymortality，thepunishmentformysoul’spride，andI wanderedfartherfromthee，andthoudidstpermitmetodoso。I wastossedtoandfro，andwasted，andpouredout，andIboiledoverinmyfornications——andyetthoudidstholdthypeace，OmytardyJoy！Thoudidststillholdthypeace，andIwanderedstillfartherfromtheeintomoreandyetmorebarrenfieldsofsorrow，inprouddejectionandrestlesslassitude。 3。Ifonlytherehadbeensomeonetoregulatemydisorderandturntomyprofitthefleetingbeautiesofthethingsaroundme，andtofixaboundtotheirsweetness，sothatthetidesofmyyouthmighthavespentthemselvesupontheshoreofmarriage！ Thentheymighthavebeentranquilizedandsatisfiedwithhavingchildren，asthylawprescribes，OLord——Othouwhodostformtheoffspringofourdeathandartablealsowithatenderhandtobluntthethornswhichwereexcludedfromthyparadise！[41]Forthyomnipotenceisnotfarfromusevenwhenwearefarfromthee。 Now，ontheotherhand，Imighthavegivenmorevigilantheedtothevoicefromtheclouds:”Nevertheless，suchshallhavetroubleintheflesh，butIspareyou，”[42]and，”Itisgoodforamannottotouchawoman，”[43]and，”HethatisunmarriedcaresforthethingsthatbelongtotheLord，howhemaypleasetheLord；buthethatismarriedcaresforthethingsthatareoftheworld，howhemaypleasehiswife。”[44]Ishouldhavelistenedmoreattentivelytothesewords，and，thushavingbeen”madeaeunuchfortheKingdomofHeaven’ssake，”[45]Iwouldhavewithgreaterhappinessexpectedthyembraces。 4。But，foolthatIwas，Ifoamedinmywickednessastheseaand，forsakingthee，followedtherushingofmyowntide，andburstoutofallthybounds。ButIdidnotescapethyscourges。 Forwhatmortalcandoso？Thouwastalwaysbyme，mercifullyangryandflavoringallmyunlawfulpleasureswithbitterdiscontent，inorderthatImightseekpleasuresfreefromdiscontent。ButwherecouldIfindsuchpleasuresaveinthee，O Lord——saveinthee，whodostteachusbysorrow，whowoundestustohealus，anddostkillusthatwemaynotdieapartfromthee。 WherewasI，andhowfarwasIexiledfromthedelightsofthyhouse，inthatsixteenthyearoftheageofmyflesh，whenthemadnessoflustheldfullswayinme——thatmadnesswhichgrantsindulgencetohumanshamelessness，eventhoughitisforbiddenbythylaws——andIgavemyselfentirelytoit？Meanwhile，myfamilytooknocaretosavemefromruinbymarriage，fortheirsolecarewasthatIshouldlearnhowtomakeapowerfulspeechandbecomeapersuasiveorator。 CHAPTERIII 5。Now，inthatyearmystudieswereinterrupted。IhadcomebackfromMadaura，aneighboringcity[46]whereIhadgonetostudygrammarandrhetoric；andthemoneyforafurthertermatCarthagewasbeinggottogetherforme。Thisprojectwasmoreamatterofmyfather’sambitionthanofhismeans，forhewasonlyapoorcitizenofTagaste。 TowhomamInarratingallthis？Nottothee，OmyGod，buttomyownkindinthypresence——tothatsmallpartofthehumanracewhomaychancetocomeuponthesewritings。Andtowhatend？ ThatIandallwhoreadthemmayunderstandwhatdepthstherearefromwhichwearetocryuntothee。[47]Forwhatismoresurelyheardinthyearthanaconfessingheartandafaithfullife？ Whodidnotextolandpraisemyfather，becausehewentquitebeyondhismeanstosupplyhissonwiththenecessaryexpensesforafarjourneyintheinterestofhiseducation？Formanyfarrichercitizensdidnotdosomuchfortheirchildren。Still，thissamefathertroubledhimselfnotatallastohowIwasprogressingtowardtheenorhowchasteIwas，justsolongasI wasskillfulinspeaking——nomatterhowbarrenIwastothytillage，OGod，whoarttheonetrueandgoodLordofmyheart，whichisthyfield。[48] 6。Duringthatsixteenthyearofmyage，Ilivedwithmyparents，havingaholidayfromschoolforatime——thisidlenessimposeduponmebymyparents’straitenedfinances。Thethornbushesoflustgrewrankaboutmyhead，andtherewasnohandtorootthemout。Indeed，whenmyfathersawmeonedayatthebathsandperceivedthatIwasbecomingaman，andwasshowingthesignsofadolescence，hejoyfullytoldmymotheraboutitasifalreadylookingforwardtograndchildren，rejoicinginthatsortofinebriationinwhichtheworldsooftenforgetsthee，itsCreator，andfallsinlovewiththycreatureinsteadofthee—— theinebriationofthatinvisiblewineofapervertedwillwhichturnsandbowsdowntoinfamy。Butinmymother’sbreastthouhadstalreadybeguntobuildthytempleandthefoundationofthyholyhabitation——whereasmyfatherwasonlyacatechumen，andthatbutrecently。Shewas，therefore，startledwithaholyfearandtrembling:forthoughIhadnotyetbeenbaptized，shefearedthosecrookedwaysinwhichtheywalkwhoturntheirbackstotheeandnottheirfaces。 7。Woeisme！DoIdareaffirmthatthoudidstholdthypeace，OmyGod，whileIwanderedfartherawayfromthee？Didstthoureallythenholdthypeace？Thenwhosewordsweretheybutthinewhichbymymother，thyfaithfulhandmaid，thoudidstpourintomyears？Noneofthem，however，sankintomyhearttomakemedoanything。Shedeploredand，asIremember，warnedmeprivatelywithgreatsolicitude，”nottocommitfornication；butaboveallthingsnevertodefileanotherman’swife。”Theseappearedtomebutwomanishcounsels，whichIwouldhaveblushedtoobey。Yettheywerefromthee，andIknewitnot。Ithoughtthatthouwastsilentandthatitwasonlyshewhospoke。Yetitwasthroughherthatthoudidstnotkeepsilencetowardme；andinrejectinghercounselIwasrejectingthee——I，herson，”thesonofthyhandmaid，thyservant。”[49]ButIdidnotrealizethis，andrushedonheadlongwithsuchblindnessthat，amongmyfriends，Iwasashamedtobelessshamelessthanthey，whenIheardthemboastingoftheirdisgracefulexploits——yes，andgloryingallthemoretheworsetheirbasenesswas。Whatisworse，Itookpleasureinsuchexploits，notforthepleasure’ssakeonlybutmostlyforpraise。Whatisworthyofvituperationexceptviceitself？YetImademyselfoutworsethanIwas，inorderthatI mightnotgolackingforpraise。AndwheninanythingIhadnotsinnedastheworstonesinthegroup，IwouldstillsaythatI haddonewhatIhadnotdone，inordernottoappearcontemptiblebecauseIwasmoreinnocentthanthey；andnottodropintheiresteembecauseIwasmorechaste。 8。BeholdwithwhatcompanionsIwalkedthestreetsofBabylon！Irolledinitsmireandlolledaboutonit，asifonabedofspicesandpreciousointments。And，drawingmemorecloselytotheverycenterofthatcity，myinvisibleenemytrodmedownandseducedme，forIwaseasytoseduce。MymotherhadalreadyfledoutofthemidstofBabylon[50]andwasprogressing，albeitslowly，towarditsoutskirts。Forincounselingmetochastity，shedidnotbearinmindwhatherhusbandhadtoldheraboutme。Andalthoughsheknewthatmypassionsweredestructiveeventhenanddangerousforthefuture，shedidnotthinktheyshouldberestrainedbythebondsofconjugalaffection——if，indeed，theycouldnotbecutawaytothequick。Shetooknoheedofthis，forshewasafraidlestawifeshouldproveahindranceandaburdentomyhopes。Thesewerenotherhopesoftheworldtocome，whichmymotherhadinthee，butthehopeoflearning，whichbothmyparentsweretooanxiousthatIshouldacquire——myfather，becausehehadlittleornothoughtofthee，andonlyvainthoughtsforme；mymother，becauseshethoughtthattheusualcourseofstudywouldnotonlybenohindrancebutactuallyafurtherancetowardmyeventualreturntothee。ThismuchI conjecture，recallingaswellasIcanthetemperamentsofmyparents。Meantime，thereinsofdisciplinewereslackenedonme，sothatwithouttherestraintofdueseverity，ImightplayatwhatsoeverIfancied，eventothepointofdissoluteness。Andinallthistherewasthatmistwhichshutoutfrommysightthebrightnessofthytruth，OmyGod；andmyiniquitybulgedout，asitwere，withfatness！[51] CHAPTERIV 9。Theftispunishedbythylaw，OLord，andbythelawwritteninmen’shearts，whichnoteveningrainedwickednesscanerase。Forwhatthiefwilltolerateanotherthiefstealingfromhim？Evenarichthiefwillnottolerateapoorthiefwhoisdriventotheftbywant。YetIhadadesiretocommitrobbery，anddidso，compelledtoitbyneitherhungernorpoverty，butthroughacontemptforwell-doingandastrongimpulsetoiniquity。ForIpilferedsomethingwhichIalreadyhadinsufficientmeasure，andofmuchbetterquality。IdidnotdesiretoenjoywhatIstole，butonlythetheftandthesinitself。 Therewasapeartreeclosetoourownvineyard，heavilyladenwithfruit，whichwasnottemptingeitherforitscolororforitsflavor。Lateonenight——havingprolongedourgamesinthestreetsuntilthen，asourbadhabitwas——agroupofyoungscoundrels，andIamongthem，wenttoshakeandrobthistree。Wecarriedoffahugeloadofpears，nottoeatourselves，buttodumpouttothehogs，afterbarelytastingsomeofthemourselves。 Doingthispleasedusallthemorebecauseitwasforbidden。Suchwasmyheart，OGod，suchwasmyheart——whichthoudidstpityeveninthatbottomlesspit。Behold，nowletmyheartconfesstotheewhatitwasseekingthere，whenIwasbeinggratuitouslywanton，havingnoinducementtoevilbuttheevilitself。Itwasfoul，andIlovedit。Ilovedmyownundoing。Ilovedmyerror——notthatforwhichIerredbuttheerroritself。Adepravedsoul，fallingawayfromsecurityintheetodestructioninitself，seekingnothingfromtheshamefuldeedbutshameitself。 CHAPTERV 10。Nowthereisacomelinessinallbeautifulbodies，andingoldandsilverandallthings。Thesenseoftouchhasitsownpowertopleaseandtheothersensesfindtheirproperobjectsinphysicalsensation。Worldlyhonoralsohasitsownglory，andsodothepowerstocommandandtoovercome:andfromthesetherespringsupthedesireforrevenge。Yet，inseekingthesepleasures，wemustnotdepartfromthee，OLord，nordeviatefromthylaw。Thelifewhichweliveherehasitsownpeculiarattractivenessbecauseithasacertainmeasureofcomelinessofitsownandaharmonywithalltheseinferiorvalues。Thebondofhumanfriendshiphasasweetnessofitsown，bindingmanysoulstogetherasone。Yetbecauseofthesevalues，siniscommitted，becausewehaveaninordinatepreferenceforthesegoodsofalowerorderandneglectthebetterandthehighergood—— neglectingthee，OourLordGod，andthytruthandthylaw。Fortheseinferiorvalueshavetheirdelights，butnotatallequaltomyGod，whohathmadethemall。Forinhimdotherighteousdelightandheisthesweetnessoftheuprightinheart。 11。When，therefore，weinquirewhyacrimewascommitted，wedonotaccepttheexplanationunlessitappearsthattherewasthedesiretoobtainsomeofthosevalueswhichwedesignateinferior，orelseafearoflosingthem。Fortrulytheyarebeautifulandcomely，thoughincomparisonwiththesuperiorandcelestialgoodstheyareabjectandcontemptible。Amanhasmurderedanotherman——whatwashismotive？Eitherhedesiredhiswifeorhispropertyorelsehewouldstealtosupporthimself；orelsehewasafraidoflosingsomethingtohim；orelse，havingbeeninjured，hewasburningtoberevenged。Wouldamancommitmurderwithoutamotive，takingdelightsimplyintheactofmurder？Whowouldbelievesuchathing？Evenforthatsavageandbrutalman[Catiline]，ofwhomitwassaidthathewasgratuitouslywickedandcruel，thereisstillamotiveassignedtohisdeeds。”Lestthroughidleness，”hesays，”handorheartshouldgrowinactive。”[52]Andtowhatpurpose？Why，eventhis: that，havingoncegotpossessionofthecitythroughhispracticeofhiswickedways，hemightgainhonors，empire，andwealth，andthusbeexemptfromthefearofthelawsandfromfinancialdifficultiesinsupplyingtheneedsofhisfamily——andfromtheconsciousnessofhisownwickedness。SoitseemsthatevenCatilinehimselflovednothisownvillainies，butsomethingelse，anditwasthisthatgavehimthemotiveforhiscrimes。 CHAPTERVI 12。Whatwasitinyou，Otheftofmine，thatI，poorwretch，dotedon——youdeedofdarkness——inthatsixteenthyearofmyage？Beautifulyouwerenot，foryouwereatheft。Butareyouanythingatall，sothatIcouldanalyzethecasewithyou？ Thosepearsthatwestolewerefairtothesightbecausetheywerethycreation，OBeautybeyondcompare，OCreatorofall，OthougoodGod——Godthehighestgoodandmytruegood。[53]Thosepearsweretrulypleasanttothesight，butitwasnotforthemthatmymiserablesoullusted，forIhadanabundanceofbetterpears。IstolethosesimplythatImightsteal，for，havingstolenthem，Ithrewthemaway。Mysolegratificationinthemwasmyownsin，whichIwaspleasedtoenjoy；for，ifanyoneofthesepearsenteredmymouth，theonlygoodflavorithadwasmysinineatingit。Andnow，OLordmyGod，Iaskwhatitwasinthattheftofminethatcausedmesuchdelight；forbeholdithadnobeautyofitsown——certainlynotthesortofbeautythatexistsinjusticeandwisdom，norsuchasisinthemind，memorysenses，andtheanimallifeofman；noryetthekindthatisthegloryandbeautyofthestarsintheircourses；northebeautyoftheearth，orthesea——teemingwithspawninglife，replacinginbirththatwhichdiesanddecays。Indeed，itdidnothavethatfalseandshadowybeautywhichattendsthedeceptionsofvice。 13。Forthusweseepridewearingthemaskofhigh- spiritedness，althoughonlythou，OGod，arthighaboveall。 Ambitionseekshonorandglory，whereasonlythoushouldstbehonoredaboveall，andglorifiedforever。Thepowerfulmanseekstobefeared，becauseofhiscruelty；butwhooughtreallytobefearedbutGodonly？Whatcanbeforcedawayorwithdrawnoutofhispower——whenorwhereorwhitherorbywhom？Theenticementsofthewantonclaimthenameoflove；andyetnothingismoreenticingthanthylove，norisanythinglovedmorehealthfullythanthytruth，brightandbeautifulaboveall。Curiositypromptsadesireforknowledge，whereasitisonlythouwhoknowestallthingssupremely。Indeed，ignoranceandfoolishnessthemselvesgomaskedunderthenamesofsimplicityandinnocence；yetthereisnobeingthathastruesimplicitylikethine，andnoneisinnocentasthouart。Thusitisthatbyasinner’sowndeedsheishimselfharmed。Humanslothpretendstolongforrest，butwhatsurerestistheresaveintheLord？Luxurywouldfainbecalledplentyandabundance；butthouartthefullnessandunfailingabundanceofunfadingjoy。Prodigalitypresentsashowofliberality；butthouartthemostlavishgiverofallgoodthings。 Covetousnessdesirestopossessmuch；butthouartalreadythepossessorofallthings。Envycontendsthatitsaimisforexcellence；butwhatissoexcellentasthou？Angerseeksrevenge；butwhoavengesmorejustlythanthou？Fearrecoilsattheunfamiliarandthesuddenchangeswhichthreatenthingsbeloved，andiswaryforitsownsecurity；butwhatcanhappenthatisunfamiliarorsuddentothee？Orwhocandeprivetheeofwhatthoulovest？Where，really，isthereunshakensecuritysavewiththee？Grieflanguishesforthingslostinwhichdesirehadtakendelight，becauseitwillstohavenothingtakenfromit，justasnothingcanbetakenfromthee。 14。Thusthesoulcommitsfornicationwhensheisturnedfromthee，[54]andseeksapartfromtheewhatshecannotfindpureanduntainteduntilshereturnstothee。Allthingsthusimitatethee——butpervertedly——whentheyseparatethemselvesfarfromtheeandraisethemselvesupagainstthee。But，eveninthisactofperverseimitation，theyacknowledgetheetobetheCreatorofallnature，andrecognizethatthereisnoplacewhithertheycanaltogetherseparatethemselvesfromthee。Whatwasit，then，thatIlovedinthattheft？AndwhereinwasIimitatingmyLord，eveninacorruptedandpervertedway？DidIwish，ifonlybygesture，torebelagainstthylaw，eventhoughIhadnopowertodosoactually——sothat，evenasacaptive，Imightproduceasortofcounterfeitliberty，bydoingwithimpunitydeedsthatwereforbidden，inadeludedsenseofomnipotence？Beholdthisservantofthine，fleeingfromhisLordandfollowingashadow！O rottenness！Omonstrousnessoflifeandabyssofdeath！CouldI findpleasureonlyinwhatwasunlawful，andonlybecauseitwasunlawful？ CHAPTERVII 15。”WhatshallIrenderuntotheLord”[55]forthefactthatwhilemymemoryrecallsthesethingsmysoulnolongerfearsthem？Iwilllovethee，OLord，andthankthee，andconfesstothyname，becausethouhastputawayfrommesuchwickedandevildeeds。TothygraceIattributeitandtothymercy，thatthouhastmeltedawaymysinasifitwereice。TothygracealsoI attributewhatsoeverofevilIdid_not_commit——forwhatmightInothavedone，lovingsinasIdid，justforthesakeofsinning？Yea，allthesinsthatIconfessnowtohavebeenforgivenme，boththosewhichIcommittedwillfullyandthosewhich，bythyprovidence，Ididnotcommit。Whatmanistherewho，whenreflectinguponhisowninfirmity，darestoascribehischastityandinnocencetohisownpowers，sothatheshouldlovetheeless——asifhewereinlessneedofthymercyinwhichthouforgivestthetransgressionsofthosethatreturntothee？Asforthatmanwho，whencalledbythee，obeyedthyvoiceandshunnedthosethingswhichheherereadsofmeasIrecallandconfessthemofmyself，lethimnotdespiseme——forI，whowassick，havebeenhealedbythesamePhysicianbywhoseaiditwasthathedidnotfallsick，orratherwaslesssickthanI。Andforthislethimlovetheejustasmuch——indeed，allthemore——sinceheseesmerestoredfromsuchagreatweaknessofsinbytheselfsameSaviourbywhomheseeshimselfpreservedfromsuchaweakness。 CHAPTERVIII 16。WhatprofitdidI，awretchedone，receivefromthosethingswhich，whenIrememberthemnow，causemeshame——aboveall，fromthattheft，whichIlovedonlyforthetheft’ssake？ And，asthetheftitselfwasnothing，IwasallthemorewretchedinthatIloveditso。YetbymyselfaloneIwouldnothavedoneit——IstillrecallhowIfeltaboutthisthen——Icouldnothavedoneitalone。IloveditthenbecauseofthecompanionshipofmyaccompliceswithwhomIdidit。Ididnot，therefore，lovethetheftalone——yet，indeed，itwasonlythetheftthatI loved，forthecompanionshipwasnothing。Whatisthisparadox？ WhoisitthatcanexplainittomebutGod，whoilluminesmyheartandsearchesoutthedarkcornersthereof？Whatisitthathaspromptedmymindtoinquireaboutit，todiscussandtoreflectuponallthis？ForhadIatthattimelovedthepearsthatIstoleandwishedtoenjoythem，Imighthavedonesoalone，ifIcouldhavebeensatisfiedwiththemereactoftheftbywhichmypleasurewasserved。NordidIneedtohavethatitchingofmyownpassionsinflamedbytheencouragementofmyaccomplices。ButsincethepleasureIgotwasnotfromthepears，itwasinthecrimeitself，enhancedbythecompanionshipofmyfellowsinners。