第2章

CHAPTERIX 17。Bywhatpassion，then，wasIanimated？Itwasundoubtedlydepravedandagreatmisfortuneformetofeelit。 Butstill，whatwasit？”Whocanunderstandhiserrors？”[56] Welaughedbecauseourheartsweretickledatthethoughtofdeceivingtheowners，whohadnoideaofwhatweweredoingandwouldhavestrenuouslyobjected。Yet，again，whydidIfindsuchdelightindoingthiswhichIwouldnothavedonealone？Isitthatnoonereadilylaughsalone？Noonedoessoreadily；butstillsometimes，whenmenarebythemselvesandnooneelseisabout，afitoflaughterwillovercomethemwhensomethingverydrollpresentsitselftotheirsenseormind。YetaloneIwouldnothavedoneit——aloneIcouldnothavedoneitatall。 Behold，myGod，thelivelyreviewofmysoul’scareerislaidbarebeforethee。Iwouldnothavecommittedthattheftalone。 MypleasureinitwasnotwhatIstolebut，rather，theactofstealing。NorwouldIhaveenjoyeddoingitalone——indeedI wouldnothavedoneit！Ofriendshipallunfriendly！Youstrangeseducerofthesoul，whohungersformischieffromimpulsesofmirthandwantonness，whocravesanother’slosswithoutanydesireforone’sownprofitorrevenge——sothat，whentheysay，”Let’sgo，let’sdoit，”weareashamednottobeshameless。 CHAPTERX 18。Whocanunravelsuchatwistedandtangledknottiness？ Itisunclean。Ihatetoreflectuponit。Ihatetolookonit。 ButIdolongforthee，ORighteousnessandInnocence，sobeautifulandcomelytoallvirtuouseyes——Ilongfortheewithaninsatiablesatiety。Withtheeisperfectrest，andlifeunchanging。HewhoentersintotheeentersintothejoyofhisLord，[57]andshallhavenofearandshallachieveexcellenceintheExcellent。Ifellawayfromthee，OmyGod，andinmyyouthI wanderedtoofarfromthee，mytruesupport。AndIbecametomyselfawasteland。 BOOKTHREE ThestoryofhisstudentdaysinCarthage，hisdiscoveryofCicero’sHortensius，theenkindlingofhisphilosophicalinterest，hisinfatuationwiththeManicheanheresy，andhismother’sdreamwhichforetoldhiseventualreturntothetruefaithandtoGod。 CHAPTERI 1。IcametoCarthage，whereacaldronofunholyloveswasseethingandbubblingallaroundme。Iwasnotinloveasyet，butIwasinlovewithlove；and，fromahiddenhunger，Ihatedmyselffornotfeelingmoreintenselyasenseofhunger。Iwaslookingforsomethingtolove，forIwasinlovewithloving，andIhatedsecurityandasmoothway，freefromsnares。WithinmeI hadadearthofthatinnerfoodwhichisthyself，myGod—— althoughthatdearthcausedmenohunger。AndIremainedwithoutanyappetiteforincorruptiblefood——notbecauseIwasalreadyfilledwithit，butbecausetheemptierIbecamethemoreI loathedit。Becauseofthismysoulwasunhealthy；and，fullofsores，itexudeditselfforth，itchingtobescratchedbyscrapingonthethingsofthesenses。[58]Yet，hadthesethingsnosoul，theywouldcertainlynotinspireourlove。 Toloveandtobelovedwassweettome，andallthemorewhenIgainedtheenjoymentofthebodyofthepersonIloved。 ThusIpollutedthespringoffriendshipwiththefilthofconcupiscenceandIdimmeditslusterwiththeslimeoflust。 Yet，foulanduncleanasIwas，Istillcraved，inexcessivevanity，tobethoughtelegantandurbane。AndIdidfallprecipitatelyintotheloveIwaslongingfor。MyGod，mymercy，withhowmuchbitternessdidstthou，outofthyinfinitegoodness，flavorthatsweetnessforme！ForIwasnotonlybelovedbutalsoIsecretlyreachedtheclimaxofenjoyment；andyetIwasjoyfullyboundwithtroublesometics，sothatIcouldbescourgedwiththeburningironrodsofjealousy，suspicion，fear，anger，andstrife。 CHAPTERII 2。Stageplaysalsocaptivatedme，withtheirsightsfulloftheimagesofmyownmiseries:fuelformyownfire。Now，whydoesamanliketobemadesadbyviewingdolefulandtragicscenes，whichhehimselfcouldnotbyanymeansendure？Yet，asaspectator，hewishestoexperiencefromthemasenseofgrief，andinthisverysenseofgriefhispleasureconsists。Whatisthisbutwretchedmadness？Foramanismoreaffectedbytheseactionsthemoreheisspuriouslyinvolvedintheseaffections。Now，ifheshouldsuffertheminhisownperson，itisthecustomtocallthis”misery。”Butwhenhesufferswithanother，thenitiscalled”compassion。”Butwhatkindofcompassionisitthatarisesfromviewingfictitiousandunrealsufferings？Thespectatorisnotexpectedtoaidthesuffererbutmerelytogrieveforhim。Andthemorehegrievesthemoreheapplaudstheactorofthesefictions。Ifthemisfortunesofthecharacters——whetherhistoricalorentirelyimaginary——arerepresentedsoasnottotouchthefeelingsofthespectator，hegoesawaydisgustedandcomplaining。Butifhisfeelingsaredeeplytouched，hesitsitoutattentively，andshedstearsofjoy。 3。Tearsandsorrow，then，areloved。Surelyeverymandesirestobejoyful。And，thoughnooneiswillinglymiserable，onemay，nevertheless，bepleasedtobemercifulsothatwelovetheirsorrowsbecausewithoutthemweshouldhavenothingtopity。 Thisalsospringsfromthatsameveinoffriendship。Butwhitherdoesitgo？Whitherdoesitflow？Whydoesitrunintothattorrentofpitchwhichseethesforththosehugetidesofloathsomelustsinwhichitischangedandalteredpastrecognition，beingdivertedandcorruptedfromitscelestialpuritybyitsownwill？ Shall，then，compassionberepudiated？Bynomeans！Letus，however，lovethesorrowsofothers。Butletusbewareofuncleanness，Omysoul，undertheprotectionofmyGod，theGodofourfathers，whoistobepraisedandexalted——letusbewareofuncleanness。Ihavenotyetceasedtohavecompassion。ButinthosedaysinthetheatersIsympathizedwithloverswhentheysinfullyenjoyedoneanother，althoughthiswasdonefictitiouslyintheplay。Andwhentheylostoneanother，Igrievedwiththem，asifpityingthem，andyethaddelightinbothgriefandpity。 NowadaysIfeelmuchmorepityforonewhodelightsinhiswickednessthanforonewhocountshimselfunfortunatebecausehefailstoobtainsomeharmfulpleasureorsuffersthelossofsomemiserablefelicity。This，surely，isthetruercompassion，butthesorrowIfeelinithasnodelightforme。Foralthoughhethatgrieveswiththeunhappyshouldbecommendedforhisworkoflove，yethewhohasthepowerofrealcompassionwouldstillpreferthattherebenothingforhimtogrieveabout。Forifgoodwillweretobeillwill——whichitcannotbe——onlythencouldhewhoistrulyandsincerelycompassionatewishthatthereweresomeunhappypeoplesothathemightcommiseratethem。Somegriefmaythenbejustified，butnoneofitloved。Thusitisthatthoudostact，OLordGod，forthoulovestsoulsfarmorepurelythanwedoandartmoreincorruptiblycompassionate，althoughthouartneverwoundedbyanysorrow。Now”whoissufficientforthesethings？”[59] 4。Butatthattime，inmywretchedness，Ilovedtogrieve； andIsoughtforthingstogrieveabout。Inanotherman’smisery，eventhoughitwasfeignedandimpersonatedonthestage，thatperformanceoftheactorpleasedmebestandattractedmemostpowerfullywhichmovedmetotears。Whatmarvelthenwasitthatanunhappysheep，strayingfromthyflockandimpatientofthycare，Ibecameinfectedwithafouldisease？Thisisthereasonformyloveofgriefs:thattheywouldnotprobeintometoodeeply(forIdidnotlovetosufferinmyselfsuchthingsasI lovedtolookat)，andtheywerethesortofgriefwhichcamefromhearingthosefictions，whichaffectedonlythesurfaceofmyemotion。Still，justasiftheyhadbeenpoisonedfingernails，theirscratchingwasfollowedbyinflammation，swelling，putrefaction，andcorruption。Suchwasmylife！Butwasitlife，OmyGod？ CHAPTERIII 5。Andstillthyfaithfulmercyhoveredovermefromafar。 InwhatunseemlyiniquitiesdidIwearmyselfout，followingasacrilegiouscuriosity，which，havingdesertedthee，thenbegantodragmedownintothetreacherousabyss，intothebeguilingobedienceofdevils，towhomImadeofferingsofmywickeddeeds。 Andstillinallthisthoudidstnotfailtoscourgeme。Idared，evenwhilethysolemnriteswerebeingcelebratedinsidethewallsofthychurch，todesireandtoplanaprojectwhichmeriteddeathasitsfruit。Forthisthoudidstchastisemewithgrievouspunishments，butnothingincomparisonwithmyfault，Othoumygreatestmercy，myGod，myrefugefromthoseterribledangersinwhichIwanderedwithstiffneck，recedingfartherfromthee，lovingmyownwaysandnotthine——lovingavagrantliberty！ 6。ThosestudiesIwasthenpursuing，generallyaccountedasrespectable，wereaimedatdistinctioninthecourtsoflaw——toexcelinwhich，themorecraftyIwas，themoreIshouldbepraised。Suchistheblindnessofmenthattheyevengloryintheirblindness。AndbythistimeIhadbecomeamasterintheSchoolofRhetoric，andIrejoicedproudlyinthishonorandbecameinflatedwitharrogance。StillIwasrelativelysedate，O Lord，asthouknowest，andhadnoshareinthewreckingsof”TheWreckers”[60](forthisstupidanddiabolicalnamewasregardedastheverybadgeofgallantry)amongwhomIlivedwithasortofashamedembarrassmentthatIwasnotevenastheywere。ButI livedwiththem，andattimesIwasdelightedwiththeirfriendship，evenwhenIabhorredtheiracts(thatis，their”wrecking”)inwhichtheyinsolentlyattackedthemodestyofstrangers，tormentingthembyuncalled-forjeers，gratifyingtheirmischievousmirth。Nothingcouldmorenearlyresembletheactionsofdevilsthanthesefellows。Bywhatname，therefore，couldtheybemoreaptlycalledthan”wreckers”？——beingthemselveswreckedfirst，andaltogetherturnedupsidedown。Theyweresecretlymockedatandseducedbythedeceivingspirits，intheveryactsbywhichtheyamusedthemselvesinjeeringandhorseplayattheexpenseofothers。 CHAPTERIV 7。Amongsuchasthese，inthatunstableperiodofmylife，Istudiedthebooksofeloquence，foritwasineloquencethatI waseagertobeeminent，thoughfromareprehensibleandvaingloriousmotive，andadelightinhumanvanity。IntheordinarycourseofstudyIcameuponacertainbookofCicero’s，whoselanguagealmostalladmire，thoughnothisheart。ThisparticularbookofhiscontainsanexhortationtophilosophyandwascalledHortensius。[61]Nowitwasthisbookwhichquitedefinitelychangedmywholeattitudeandturnedmyprayerstowardthee，OLord，andgavemenewhopeandnewdesires。Suddenlyeveryvainhopebecameworthlesstome，andwithanincrediblewarmthofheartIyearnedforanimmortalityofwisdomandbegannowtoarisethatImightreturntothee。ItwasnottosharpenmytonguefurtherthatImadeuseofthatbook。Iwasnownineteen；myfatherhadbeendeadtwoyears，[62]andmymotherwasprovidingthemoneyformystudyofrhetoric。Whatwonmeinit[i。e。，theHortensius]wasnotitsstylebutitssubstance。 8。HowardentwasIthen，myGod，howardenttoflyfromearthlythingstothee！NordidIknowhowthouwasteventhendealingwithme。Forwiththeeiswisdom。InGreektheloveofwisdomiscalled”philosophy，”anditwaswiththislovethatthatbookinflamedme。Therearesomewhoseducethroughphilosophy，underagreat，alluring，andhonorablename，usingittocolorandadorntheirownerrors。Andalmostallwhodidthis，inCicero’sowntimeandearlier，arecensoredandpointedoutinhisbook。 InitthereisalsomanifestthatmostsalutaryadmonitionofthySpirit，spokenbythygoodandpiousservant:”Bewarelestanymanspoilyouthroughphilosophyandvaindeceit，afterthetraditionofmen，aftertherudimentsoftheworld，andnotafterChrist: forinhimallthefullnessoftheGodheaddwellsbodily。”[63] Sinceatthattime，asthouknowest，OLightofmyheart，thewordsoftheapostlewereunknowntome，IwasdelightedwithCicero’sexhortation，atleastenoughsothatIwasstimulatedbyit，andenkindledandinflamedtolove，toseek，toobtain，tohold，andtoembrace，notthisorthatsect，butwisdomitself，whereveritmightbe。Onlythischeckedmyardor:thatthenameofChristwasnotinit。Forthisname，bythymercy，OLord，thisnameofmySaviourthySon，mytenderhearthadpiouslydrunkin，deeplytreasuredevenwithmymother’smilk。Andwhatsoeverwaslackingthatname，nomatterhowerudite，polished，andtruthful，didnotquitetakecompleteholdofme。 CHAPTERV 9。Iresolved，therefore，todirectmymindtotheHolyScriptures，thatImightseewhattheywere。Andbehold，Isawsomethingnotcomprehendedbytheproud，notdisclosedtochildren，somethinglowlyinthehearing，butsublimeinthedoing，andveiledinmysteries。YetIwasnotofthenumberofthosewhocouldenterintoitorbendmynecktofollowitssteps。 ForthenitwasquitedifferentfromwhatInowfeel。WhenIthenturnedtowardtheScriptures，theyappearedtometobequiteunworthytobecomparedwiththedignityofTully。[64]Formyinflatedpridewasrepelledbytheirstyle，norcouldthesharpnessofmywitpenetratetheirinnermeaning。Trulytheywereofasorttoaidthegrowthoflittleones，butIscornedtobealittleoneand，swollenwithpride，Ilookeduponmyselfasfullygrown。 CHAPTERVI 10。ThusIfellamongmen，deliriousintheirpride，carnalandvoluble，whosemouthswerethesnaresofthedevil——atrapmadeoutofamixtureofthesyllablesofthynameandthenamesofourLordJesusChristandoftheParaclete。[65]Thesenameswereneveroutoftheirmouths，butonlyassoundandtheclatteroftongues，fortheirheartwasemptyoftruth。Stilltheycried，”Truth，Truth，”andwereforeverspeakingthewordtome。Butthethingitselfwasnotinthem。Indeed，theyspokefalselynotonlyofthee——whotrulyarttheTruth——butalsoaboutthebasicelementsofthisworld，thycreation。And，indeed，Ishouldhavepassedbythephilosophersthemselvesevenwhentheywerespeakingtruthconcerningthycreatures，forthesakeofthylove，O HighestGood，andmyFather，OBeautyofallthingsbeautiful。 OTruth，Truth，howinwardlyeventhendidthemarrowofmysoulsighfortheewhen，frequentlyandinmanifoldways，innumerousandvastbooks，[theManicheans]soundedoutthynamethoughitwasonlyasound！Andinthesedishes——whileI starvedforthee——theyserveduptome，inthystead，thesunandmoonthybeauteousworks——butstillonlythyworksandnotthyself；indeed，noteventhyfirstwork。Forthyspiritualworkscamebeforethesematerialcreations，celestialandshiningthoughtheyare。ButIwashungeringandthirsting，notevenafterthosefirstworksofthine，butafterthyselftheTruth，”withwhomisnovariableness，neithershadowofturning。”[66]Yettheystillservedmeglowingfantasiesinthosedishes。And，truly，itwouldhavebeenbettertohavelovedthisverysun——whichatleastistruetooursight——thanthoseillusionsoftheirswhichdeceivethemindthroughtheeye。AndyetbecauseIsupposedtheillusionstobefromtheeIfedonthem——notwithavidity，forthoudidstnottasteinmymouthasthouart，andthouwastnottheseemptyfictions。NeitherwasInourishedbythem，butwasinsteadexhausted。Foodindreamsappearslikeourfoodawake； yetthesleepersarenotnourishedbyit，fortheyareasleep。 ButthefantasiesoftheManicheanswerenotinanywayliketheeasthouhastspokentomenow。Theyweresimplyfantasticandfalse。Incomparisontothemtheactualbodieswhichweseewithourfleshlysight，bothcelestialandterrestrial，arefarmorecertain。Thesetruebodieseventhebeastsandbirdsperceiveaswellaswedoandtheyaremorecertainthantheimagesweformaboutthem。Andagain，wedowithmorecertaintyformourconceptionsaboutthemthan，fromthem，wegoonbymeansofthemtoimagineofothergreaterandinfinitebodieswhichhavenoexistence。WithsuchemptyhuskswasIthenfed，andyetwasnotfed。 Butthou，myLove，forwhomIlongedinorderthatImightbestrong，neitherartthosebodiesthatweseeinheavennorartthouthosewhichwedonotseethere，forthouhastcreatedthemallandyetthoureckonestthemnotamongthygreatestworks。Howfar，then，artthoufromthosefantasiesofmine，fantasiesofbodieswhichhavenorealbeingatall！Theimagesofthosebodieswhichactuallyexistarefarmorecertainthanthesefantasies。Thebodiesthemselvesaremorecertainthantheimages，yeteventhesethouartnot。Thouartnoteventhesoul，whichisthelifeofbodies；and，clearly，thelifeofthebodyisbetterthanthebodyitself。Butthouartthelifeofsouls，lifeoflives，havinglifeinthyself，andneverchanging，OLifeofmysoul。[67] 11。Where，then，wastthouandhowfarfromme？Far，indeed，wasIwanderingawayfromthee，beingbarredevenfromthehusksofthoseswinewhomIfedwithhusks。[68]Forhowmuchbetterwerethefablesofthegrammariansandpoetsthanthesesnares[oftheManicheans]！Forversesandpoemsand”theflyingMedea”[69]arestillmoreprofitabletrulythanthesemen’s”fiveelements，”withtheirvariouscolors，answeringto”thefivecavesofdarkness”[70](noneofwhichexistandyetinwhichtheyslaytheonewhobelievesinthem)。ForversesandpoemsIcanturnintofoodforthemind，forthoughIsangabout”theflyingMedea” Ineverbelievedit，butthoseotherthings[thefantasiesoftheManicheans]Ididbelieve。Woe，woe，bywhatstepsIwasdraggeddownto”thedepthsofhell”[71]——toilingandfumingbecauseofmylackofthetruth，evenwhenIwasseekingafterthee，myGod！ TotheeInowconfessit，forthoudidsthavemercyonmewhenI hadnotyetconfessedit。Isoughtafterthee，butnotaccordingtotheunderstandingofthemind，bymeansofwhichthouhastwilledthatIshouldexcelthebeasts，butonlyaftertheguidanceofmyphysicalsenses。Thouwastmoreinwardtomethanthemostinwardpartofme；andhigherthanmyhighestreach。Icameuponthatbrazenwoman，devoidofprudence，who，inSolomon’sobscureparable，sitsatthedoorofthehouseonaseatandsays，”Stolenwatersaresweet，andbreadeateninsecretispleasant。”[72] Thiswomanseducedme，becauseshefoundmysouloutsideitsowndoor，dwellingonthesensationsofmyfleshandruminatingonsuchfoodasIhadswallowedthroughthesephysicalsenses。 CHAPTERVII 12。ForIwasignorantofthatotherreality，trueBeing。 AndsoitwasthatIwassubtlypersuadedtoagreewiththesefoolishdeceiverswhentheyputtheirquestionstome:”Whencecomesevil？”and，”IsGodlimitedbyabodilyshape，andhashehairsandnails？”and，”Arethosepatriarchstobeesteemedrighteouswhohadmanywivesatonetime，andwhokilledmenandwhosacrificedlivingcreatures？”InmyignoranceIwasmuchdisturbedoverthesethingsand，thoughIwasretreatingfromthetruth，Iappearedtomyselftobegoingtowardit，becauseIdidnotyetknowthatevilwasnothingbutaprivationofgood(that，indeed，ithasnobeing)[73]；andhowshouldIhaveseenthiswhenthesightofmyeyeswentnofartherthanphysicalobjects，andthesightofmymindreachednofartherthantofantasms？AndI didnotknowthatGodisaspiritwhohasnopartsextendedinlengthandbreadth，whosebeinghasnomass——foreverymassislessinapartthaninawhole——andifitbeaninfinitemassitmustbelessinsuchpartsasarelimitedbyacertainspacethaninitsinfinity。ItcannotthereforebewhollyeverywhereasSpiritis，asGodis。AndIwasentirelyignorantastowhatisthatprinciplewithinusbywhichwearelikeGod，andwhichisrightlysaidinScripturetobemade”afterGod’simage。” 13。NordidIknowthattrueinnerrighteousness——whichdoesnotjudgeaccordingtocustombutbythemeasureofthemostperfectlawofGodAlmighty——bywhichthemoresofvariousplacesandtimeswereadaptedtothoseplacesandtimes(thoughthelawitselfisthesamealwaysandeverywhere，notonethinginoneplaceandanotherinanother)。BythisinnerrighteousnessAbrahamandIsaac，andJacobandMosesandDavid，andallthosecommendedbythemouthofGodwererighteousandwerejudgedunrighteousonlybyfoolishmenwhowerejudgingbyhumanjudgmentandgaugingtheirjudgmentofthemoresofthewholehumanracebythenarrownormsoftheirownmores。Itisasifamaninanarmory，notknowingwhatpiecegoesonwhatpartofthebody，shouldputagreaveonhisheadandahelmetonhisshinandthencomplainbecausetheydidnotfit。Orasif，onsomeholidaywhenafternoonbusinesswasforbidden，oneweretogrumbleatnotbeingallowedtogoonsellingasithadbeenlawfulforhimtodointheforenoon。Or，again，asif，inahouse，heseesaservanthandlesomethingthatthebutlerisnotpermittedtotouch，orwhensomethingisdonebehindastablethatwouldbeprohibitedinadiningroom，andthenapersonshouldbeindignantthatinonehouseandonefamilythesamethingsarenotallowedtoeverymemberofthehousehold。Suchisthecasewiththosewhocannotenduretohearthatsomethingwaslawfulforrighteousmeninformertimesthatisnotsonow；orthatGod，forcertaintemporalreasons，commandedthenonethingtothemandanothernowtothese:yetbothwouldbeservingthesamerighteouswill。Thesepeopleshouldseethatinoneman，oneday，andonehouse，differentthingsarefitfordifferentmembers；andathingthatwasformerlylawfulmaybecome，afteratime，unlawful——andsomethingallowedorcommandedinoneplacethatisjustlyprohibitedandpunishedinanother。Isjustice，then，variableandchangeable？No，butthetimesoverwhichshepresidesarenotallalikebecausetheyaredifferenttimes。Butmen，whosedaysupontheeartharefew，cannotbytheirownperceptionharmonizethecausesofformeragesandothernations，ofwhichtheyhadnoexperience，andcomparethemwiththeseofwhichtheydohaveexperience；althoughinoneandthesamebody，orday，orfamily，theycanreadilyseethatwhatissuitableforeachmember，season，part，andpersonmaydiffer。Totheonetheytakeexception；totheothertheysubmit。 14。ThesethingsIdidnotknowthen，norhadIobservedtheirimport。Theymetmyeyesoneveryside，andIdidnotsee。 Icomposedpoems，inwhichIwasnotfreetoplaceeachfootjustanywhere，butinonemeteroneway，andinanothermeteranotherway，noreveninanyoneversewasthesamefootallowedinallplaces。YettheartbywhichIcomposeddidnothavedifferentprinciplesforeachofthesedifferentcases，butthesamelawthroughout。StillIdidnotseehow，bythatrighteousnesstowhichgoodandholymensubmitted，allthosethingsthatGodhadcommandedweregathered，inafarmoreexcellentandsublimeway，intoonemoralorder；anditdidnotvaryinanyessentialrespect，thoughitdidnotinvaryingtimesprescribeallthingsatoncebut，rather，distributedandprescribedwhatwasproperforeach。And，beingblind，Iblamedthosepiousfathers，notonlyformakinguseofpresentthingsasGodhadcommandedandinspiredthemtodo，butalsoforforeshadowingthingstocome，asGodrevealedittothem。 CHAPTERVIII 15。Canitever，atanytimeorplace，beunrighteousforamantoloveGodwithallhisheart，withallhissoul，andwithallhismind；andhisneighborashimself？[74]Similarly，offensesagainstnatureareeverywhereandatalltimestobeheldindetestationandshouldbepunished。Suchoffenses，forexample，werethoseoftheSodomites；and，evenifallnationsshouldcommitthem，theywouldallbejudgedguiltyofthesamecrimebythedivinelaw，whichhasnotmademensothattheyshouldeverabuseoneanotherinthatway。ForthefellowshipthatshouldbebetweenGodandusisviolatedwheneverthatnatureofwhichheistheauthorispollutedbypervertedlust。Buttheseoffensesagainstcustomarymoralityaretobeavoidedaccordingtothevarietyofsuchcustoms。Thus，whatisagreeduponbyconvention，andconfirmedbycustomorthelawofanycityornation，maynotbeviolatedatthelawlesspleasureofany，whethercitizenorstranger。Foranypartthatisnotconsistentwithitswholeisunseemly。Nevertheless，whenGodcommandsanythingcontrarytothecustomsorcompactsofanynation，eventhoughitwereneverdonebythembefore，itistobedone；andifithasbeeninterrupted，itistoberestored；andifithasneverbeenestablished，itistobeestablished。Foritislawfulforaking，inthestateoverwhichhereigns，tocommandthatwhichneitherhehimselfnoranyonebeforehimhadcommanded。Andifitcannotbeheldtobeinimicaltothepublicinteresttoobeyhim——and，intruth，itwouldbeinimicalifhewerenotobeyed，sinceobediencetoprincesisageneralcompactofhumansociety——howmuchmore，then，oughtweunhesitatinglytoobeyGod，theGovernorofallhiscreatures！For，justasamongtheauthoritiesinhumansociety，thegreaterauthorityisobeyedbeforethelesser，soalsomustGodbeaboveall。 16。Thisappliesaswelltodeedsofviolencewherethereisarealdesiretoharmanother，eitherbyhumiliatingtreatmentorbyinjury。Eitherofthesemaybedoneforreasonsofrevenge，asoneenemyagainstanother，orinordertoobtainsomeadvantageoveranother，asinthecaseofthehighwaymanandthetraveler； elsetheymaybedoneinordertoavoidsomeotherevil，asinthecaseofonewhofearsanother；orthroughenvyas，forexample，anunfortunatemanharmingahappyonejustbecauseheishappy；ortheymaybedonebyaprosperousmanagainstsomeonewhomhefearswillbecomeequaltohimselforwhoseequalityheresents。Theymayevenbedoneforthemerepleasureinanotherman’spain，asthespectatorsofgladiatorialshowsorthepeoplewhoderideandmockatothers。Thesearethemajorformsofiniquitythatspringoutofthelustoftheflesh，andoftheeye，andofpower。[75] Sometimesthereisjustone；sometimestwotogether；sometimesallofthematonce。Thuswelive，offendingagainsttheThreeandtheSeven，thatharpoftenstrings，thyDecalogue，OGodmosthighandmostsweet。[76]Butnowhowcanoffensesofvilenessharmtheewhocanstnotbedefiled；orhowcandeedsofviolenceharmtheewhocanstnotbeharmed？Stillthoudostpunishthesesinswhichmencommitagainstthemselvesbecause，evenwhentheysinagainstthee，theyarealsocommittingimpietyagainsttheirownsouls。Iniquitygivesitselfthelie，eitherbycorruptingorbypervertingthatnaturewhichthouhastmadeandordained。Andtheydothisbyanimmoderateuseoflawfulthings；orbylustfuldesireforthingsforbidden，as”againstnature”；orwhentheyareguiltyofsinbyragingwithheartandvoiceagainstthee，rebellingagainstthee，”kickingagainstthepricks”[77]；orwhentheycastasiderespectforhumansocietyandtakeaudaciousdelightinconspiraciesandfeudsaccordingtotheirprivatelikesanddislikes。 Thisiswhathappenswheneverthouartforsaken，OFountainofLife，whoarttheoneandtrueCreatorandRuleroftheuniverse。Thisiswhathappenswhenthroughself-willedprideapartislovedunderthefalseassumptionthatitisthewhole。 Therefore，wemustreturntotheeinhumblepietyandlettheepurgeusfromourevilways，andbemercifultothosewhoconfesstheirsinstothee，andhearthegroaningsoftheprisonersandloosenusfromthosefetterswhichwehaveforgedforourselves。 Thisthouwiltdo，providedwedonotraiseupagainsttheethearroganceofafalsefreedom——forthusweloseallthroughcravingmore，bylovingourowngoodmorethanthee，thecommongoodofall。 CHAPTERIX 17。Butamongallthesevicesandcrimesandmanifoldiniquities，therearealsothesinsthatarecommittedbymenwhoare，onthewhole，makingprogresstowardthegood。Whenthesearejudgedrightlyandaftertheruleofperfection，thesinsarecensoredbutthemenaretobecommendedbecausetheyshowthehopeofbearingfruit，likethegreenshootofthegrowingcorn。 Andtherearesomedeedsthatresembleviceandcrimeandyetarenotsinbecausetheyoffendneitherthee，ourLordGod，norsocialcustom。Forexample，whensuitablereservesforhardtimesareprovided，wecannotjudgethatthisisdonemerelyfromahoardingimpulse。Or，again，whenactsarepunishedbyconstitutedauthorityforthesakeofcorrection，wecannotjudgethattheyaredonemerelyoutofadesiretoinflictpain。Thus，manyadeedwhichisdisapprovedinman’ssightmaybeapprovedbythytestimony。Andmanyamanwhoispraisedbymeniscondemned—— asthouartwitness——becausefrequentlythedeeditself，themindofthedoer，andthehiddenexigencyofthesituationallvaryamongthemselves。Butwhen，contrarytohumanexpectation，thoucommandestsomethingunusualorunthoughtof——indeed，somethingthoumayestformerlyhaveforbidden，aboutwhichthoumayestconcealthereasonforthycommandatthatparticulartime； andeventhoughitmaybecontrarytotheordinanceofsomesocietyofmen[78]——whodoubtsbutthatitshouldbedonebecauseonlythatsocietyofmenisrighteouswhichobeysthee？ Butblessedaretheywhoknowwhatthoudostcommand。Forallthingsdonebythosewhoobeytheeeitherexhibitsomethingnecessaryatthatparticulartimeortheyforeshowthingstocome。 CHAPTERX 18。ButIwasignorantofallthis，andsoImockedthoseholyservantsandprophetsofthine。YetwhatdidIgainbymockingthemsavetobemockedinturnbythee？Insensiblyandlittlebylittle，Iwasledontosuchfolliesastobelievethatafigtreeweptwhenitwaspluckedandthatthesapofthemothertreewastears。Notwithstandingthis，ifafigwasplucked，bynothisownbutanotherman’swickedness，someManicheansaintmighteatit，digestitinhisstomach，andbreatheitoutagainintheformofangels。Indeed，inhisprayershewouldassuredlygroanandsighforthparticlesofGod，althoughtheseparticlesofthemosthighandtrueGodwouldhaveremainedboundinthatfigunlesstheyhadbeensetfreebytheteethandbellyofsome”electsaint”[79]！And，wretchthatIwas，Ibelievedthatmoremercywastobeshowntothefruitsoftheearththanuntomen，forwhomthesefruitswerecreated。For，ifahungryman——whowasnotaManichean——shouldbegforanyfood，themorselthatwegavetohimwouldseemcondemned，asitwere，tocapitalpunishment。 CHAPTERXI 19。Andnowthoudidst”stretchforththyhandfromabove”[80]anddidstdrawupmysouloutofthatprofounddarkness[ofManicheism]becausemymother，thyfaithfulone，wepttotheeonmybehalfmorethanmothersareaccustomedtoweepforthebodilydeathsoftheirchildren。Forbythelightofthefaithandspiritwhichshereceivedfromthee，shesawthatIwasdead。 Andthoudidsthearher，OLord，thoudidsthearheranddespisednothertearswhen，pouringdown，theywateredtheearthunderhereyesineveryplacewheresheprayed。Thoudidsttrulyhearher。 Forwhatothersourcewasthereforthatdreambywhichthoudidstconsoleher，sothatshepermittedmetolivewithher，tohavemymealsinthesamehouseatthetablewhichshehadbeguntoavoid，evenwhileshehatedanddetestedtheblasphemiesofmyerror？Inherdreamshesawherselfstandingonasortofwoodenrule，andsawabrightyouthapproachingher，joyousandsmilingather，whileshewasgrievingandboweddownwithsorrow。Butwhenheinquiredofherthecauseofhersorrowanddailyweeping(nottolearnfromher，buttoteachher，asiscustomaryinvisions)，andwhensheansweredthatitwasmysoul’sdoomshewaslamenting，hebadeherrestcontentandtoldhertolookandseethatwhereshewasthereIwasalso。Andwhenshelookedshesawmestandingnearheronthesamerule。 Whencecamethisvisionunlessitwasthatthyearswereinclinedtowardherheart？OthouOmnipotentGood，thoucarestforeveryoneofusasifthoudidstcareforhimonly，andsoforallasiftheywerebutone！ 20。Andwhatwasthereasonforthisalso，that，whenshetoldmeofthisvision，andItriedtoputthisconstructiononit:”thatsheshouldnotdespairofbeingsomedaywhatIwas，”sherepliedimmediately，withouthesitation，”No；foritwasnottoldmethat’whereheis，thereyoushallbe’but’whereyouare，therehewillbe’”？Iconfessmyremembranceofthistothee，O Lord，asfarasIcanrecallit——andIhaveoftenmentionedit。 Thyanswer，giventhroughmywatchfulmother，inthefactthatshewasnotdisturbedbytheplausibilityofmyfalseinterpretationbutsawimmediatelywhatshouldhavebeenseen——andwhichI certainlyhadnotseenuntilshespoke——thisanswermovedmemoredeeplythanthedreamitself。Still，bythatdream，thejoythatwastocometothatpiouswomansolongafterwaspredictedlongbefore，asaconsolationforherpresentanguish。 NearlynineyearspassedinwhichIwallowedinthemudofthatdeeppitandinthedarknessoffalsehood，strivingoftentorise，butbeingallthemoreheavilydasheddown。Butallthattimethischaste，pious，andsoberwidow——suchasthoudostlove——wasnowmorebuoyedupwithhope，thoughnolesszealousinherweepingandmourning；andshedidnotceasetobewailmycasebeforethee，inallthehoursofhersupplication。Herprayersenteredthypresence，andyetthoudidstallowmestilltotumbleandtossaroundinthatdarkness。 CHAPTERXII 21。Meanwhile，thougavestheryetanotheranswer，asI remember——forIpassovermanythings，hasteningontothosethingswhichmorestronglyimpelmetoconfesstothee——andmanythingsIhavesimplyforgotten。Butthougavestherthenanotheranswer，byapriestofthine，acertainbishoprearedinthyChurchandwellversedinthybooks。Whenthatwomanhadbeggedhimtoagreetohavesomediscussionwithme，torefutemyerrors，tohelpmetounlearnevilandtolearnthegood[81]——foritwashishabittodothiswhenhefoundpeoplereadytoreceiveit—— herefused，veryprudently，asIafterwardrealized。ForheansweredthatIwasstillunteachable，beinginflatedwiththenoveltyofthatheresy，andthatIhadalreadyperplexeddiversinexperiencedpersonswithvexatiousquestions，assheherselfhadtoldhim。”Butlethimaloneforatime，”hesaid，”onlyprayGodforhim。Hewillofhisownaccord，byreading，cometodiscoverwhatanerroritisandhowgreatitsimpietyis。”Hewentontotellheratthesametimehowhehimself，asaboy，hadbeengivenovertotheManicheansbyhismisguidedmotherandnotonlyhadreadbuthadevencopiedoutalmostalltheirbooks。Yethehadcometosee，withoutexternalargumentorprooffromanyoneelse，howmuchthatsectwastobeshunned——andhadshunnedit。Whenhehadsaidthisshewasnotsatisfied，butrepeatedmoreearnestlyherentreaties，andshedcopioustears，stillbeseechinghimtoseeandtalkwithme。Finallythebishop，alittlevexedatherimportunity，exclaimed，”Goyourway；asyoulive，itcannotbethatthesonofthesetearsshouldperish。”Assheoftentoldmeafterward，sheacceptedthisanswerasthoughitwereavoicefromheaven。 BOOKFOUR ThisisthestoryofhisyearsamongtheManicheans。ItincludestheaccountofhisteachingatTagaste，histakingamistress，theattractionsofastrology，thepoignantlossofafriendwhichleadstoasearchinganalysisofgriefandtransience。Hereportsonhisfirstbook，Depulchroetapto，andhisintroductiontoAristotle’sCategoriesandotherbooksofphilosophyandtheology，whichhemasteredwithgreateaseandlittleprofit。 CHAPTERI 1。Duringthisperiodofnineyears，frommynineteenthyeartomytwenty-eighth，Iwentastrayandledothersastray。Iwasdeceivedanddeceivedothers，invariedlustfulprojects—— sometimespublicly，bytheteachingofwhatmenstyle”theliberalarts”；sometimessecretly，underthefalseguiseofreligion。Intheone，Iwasproudofmyself；intheother，superstitious；inall，vain！InmypubliclifeIwasstrivingaftertheemptinessofpopularfame，goingsofarastoseektheatricalapplause，enteringpoeticcontests，strivingforthestrawgarlandsandthevanityoftheatricalsandintemperatedesires。InmyprivatelifeIwasseekingtobepurgedfromthesecorruptionsofoursbycarryingfoodtothosewhowerecalled”elect”and”holy，”which，inthelaboratoryoftheirstomachs，theyshouldmakeintoangelsandgodsforus，andbythemwemightbesetfree。TheseprojectsIfollowedoutandpracticedwithmyfriends，whowerebothdeceivedwithmeandbyme。Lettheproudlaughatme，andthosewhohavenotyetbeensavinglycastdownandstrickenbythee，O myGod。Nevertheless，Iwouldconfesstotheemyshametothyglory。Bearwithme，Ibeseechthee，andgivemethegracetoretraceinmypresentmemorythedeviouswaysofmypasterrorsandthusbeableto”offertotheethesacrificeofthanksgiving。”[82]ForwhatamItomyselfwithouttheebutaguidetomyowndownfall？OrwhatamI，evenatthebest，butonesuckledonthymilkandfeedingonthee，OFoodthatneverperishes？[83]Whatindeedisanyman，seeingthatheisbutaman？Therefore，letthestrongandthemightylaughatus，butletuswhoare”poorandneedy”[84]confesstothee。 CHAPTERII 2。DuringthoseyearsItaughttheartofrhetoric。 Conqueredbythedesireforgain，Iofferedforsalespeakingskillswithwhichtoconquerothers。Andyet，OLord，thouknowestthatIreallypreferredtohavehonestscholars(orwhatwereesteemedassuch)and，withouttricksofspeech，Itaughtthesescholarsthetricksofspeech——nottobeusedagainstthelifeoftheinnocent，butsometimestosavethelifeofaguiltyman。Andthou，OGod，didstseemefromafar，stumblingonthatslipperypathandsendingoutsomeflashesoffidelityamidmuchsmoke——guidingthosewholovedvanityandsoughtafterlying，[85]beingmyselftheircompanion。 InthoseyearsIhadamistress，towhomIwasnotjoinedinlawfulmarriage。ShewasawomanIhaddiscoveredinmywaywardpassion，voidasitwasofunderstanding，yetshewastheonlyone；andIremainedfaithfultoherandwithherIdiscovered，bymyownexperience，whatagreatdifferencethereisbetweentherestraintofthemarriagebondcontractedwithaviewtohavingchildrenandthecompactofalustfullove，wherechildrenarebornagainsttheparents’will——althoughoncetheyareborntheycompelourlove。 3。Iremembertoothat，whenIdecidedtocompeteforatheatricalprize，somemagician——Idonotrememberhimnow—— askedmewhatIwouldgivehimtobecertaintowin。ButI detestedandabominatedsuchfilthymysteries，[86]andanswered”that，evenifthegarlandwasofimperishablegold，Iwouldstillnotpermitaflytobekilledtowinitforme。”Forhewouldhaveslaincertainlivingcreaturesinhissacrifices，andbythosehonorswouldhaveinvitedthedevilstohelpme。ThisevilthingIrefused，butnotoutofapureloveofthee，OGodofmyheart，forIknewnothowtolovetheebecauseIknewnothowtoconceiveofanythingbeyondcorporealsplendors。Anddoesnotasoul，sighingaftersuchidlefictions，commitfornicationagainstthee，trustinfalsethings，and”feedonthewinds”[87]？ButstillI wouldnothavesacrificesofferedtodevilsonmybehalf，thoughI wasmyselfstillofferingthemsacrificesofasortbymyown[Manichean]superstition。Forwhatelseisit”tofeedonthewinds”buttofeedonthedevils，thatis，inourwanderingstobecometheirsportandmockery？ CHAPTERIII 4。Andyet，withoutscruple，Iconsultedthoseotherimpostors，whomtheycall”astrologers”[mathematicos]，becausetheyusednosacrificesandinvokedtheaidofnospiritfortheirdivinations。Still，trueChristianpietymustnecessarilyrejectandcondemntheirart。 Itisgoodtoconfesstotheeandtosay，”Havemercyonme； healmysoul；forIhavesinnedagainstthee”[88]——nottoabusethygoodnessasalicensetosin，buttorememberthewordsoftheLord，”Behold，youaremadewhole:sinnomore，lestaworsethingbefallyou。”[89]Allthiswholesomeadvice[theastrologers] labortodestroywhentheysay，”Thecauseofyoursinisinevitablyfixedintheheavens，”and，”ThisisthedoingofVenus，orofSaturn，orofMars”——allthisinorderthataman，whoisonlyfleshandbloodandproudcorruption，mayregardhimselfasblameless，whiletheCreatorandOrdainerofheavenandthestarsmustbeartheblameofourillsandmisfortunes。ButwhoisthisCreatorbutthou，ourGod，thesweetnessandwellspringofrighteousness，whorenderesttoeverymanaccordingtohisworksanddespisestnot”abrokenandacontriteheart”[90]？ 5。Therewasatthattimeawiseman，veryskillfulandquitefamousinmedicine。[91]Hewasproconsulthen，andwithhisownhandheplacedonmydistemperedheadthecrownIhadwoninarhetoricalcontest。Hedidnotdothisasaphysician，however； andforthisdistemper”onlythoucansthealwhoresisteththeproudandgivethgracetothehumble。”[92]Butdidstthoufailmeinthatoldman，orforbearfromhealingmysoul？ActuallywhenI becamebetteracquaintedwithhim，Iusedtolisten，raptandeager，tohiswords；for，thoughhespokeinsimplelanguage，hisconversationwasrepletewithvivacity，life，andearnestness。HerecognizedfrommyowntalkthatIwasgiventobooksofthehoroscope-casters，buthe，inakindandfatherlyway，advisedmetothrowthemawayandnottospendidlyonthesevanitiescareandlaborthatmightotherwisegointousefulthings。Hesaidthathehimselfinhisearlieryearshadstudiedtheastrologers’ artwithaviewtogaininghislivingbyitasaprofession。 SincehehadalreadyunderstoodHippocrates，hewasfullyqualifiedtounderstandthistoo。Yet，hehadgivenitupandfollowedmedicineforthesimplereasonthathehaddiscoveredastrologytobeutterlyfalseand，asamanofhonestcharacter，hewasunwillingtogainhislivingbybeguilingpeople。”Butyou，”hesaid，”havetheprofessionofrhetorictosupportyourselfby，sothatyouarefollowingthisdelusioninfreewillandnotnecessity。Allthemore，therefore，yououghttobelieveme，sinceIworkedatittolearntheartperfectlybecauseI wishedtogainmylivingbyit。”WhenIaskedhimtoaccountforthefactthatmanytruethingsareforetoldbyastrology，heansweredme，reasonablyenough，thattheforceofchance，diffusedthroughthewholeorderofnature，broughtthesethingsabout。 Forwhenaman，byaccident，openstheleavesofsomepoet(whosangandintendedsomethingfardifferent)averseoftentimesturnsouttobewondrouslyappositetothereader’spresentbusiness。”Itisnottobewonderedat，”hecontinued，”ifoutofthehumanmind，bysomehigherinstinctwhichdoesnotknowwhatgoesonwithinitself，ananswershouldbearrivedat，bychanceandnotart，whichwouldfitboththebusinessandtheactionoftheinquirer。” 6。Andthustruly，eitherbyhimorthroughhim，thouwastlookingafterme。AndthoudidstfixallthisinmymemorysothatafterwardImightsearchitoutformyself。 Butatthattime，neithertheproconsulnormymostdearNebridius——asplendidyouthandmostcircumspect，whoscoffedatthewholebusinessofdivination——couldpersuademetogiveitup，fortheauthorityoftheastrologicalauthorsinfluencedmemorethantheydid。And，thusfar，Ihadcomeuponnocertainproof——suchasIsought——bywhichitcouldbeshownwithoutdoubtthatwhathadbeentrulyforetoldbythoseconsultedcamefromaccidentorchance，andnotfromtheartofthestargazers。 CHAPTERIV 7。Inthoseyears，whenIfirstbegantoteachrhetoricinmynativetown，Ihadgainedaverydearfriend，aboutmyownage，whowasassociatedwithmeinthesamestudies。Likemyself，hewasjustrisingupintotheflowerofyouth。Hehadgrownupwithmefromchildhoodandwehadbeenbothschoolfellowsandplaymates。Buthewasnotthenmyfriend，norindeedeverbecamemyfriend，inthetruesenseoftheterm；forthereisnotruefriendshipsavebetweenthosethoudostbindtogetherandwhocleavetotheebythatlovewhichis”shedabroadinourheartsthroughtheHolySpiritwhoisgiventous。”[93]Still，itwasasweetfriendship，beingripenedbythezealofcommonstudies。 Moreover，Ihadturnedhimawayfromthetruefaith——whichhehadnotsoundlyandthoroughlymasteredasayouth——andturnedhimtowardthosesuperstitiousandharmfulfableswhichmymothermournedinme。Withmethismanwentwanderingoffinerrorandmysoulcouldnotexistwithouthim。Butbeholdthouwastclosebehindthyfugitives——atonceaGodofvengeanceandaFountainofmercies，whodostturnustothyselfbywaysthatmakeusmarvel。Thus，thoudidsttakethatmanoutofthislifewhenhehadscarcelycompletedonewholeyearoffriendshipwithme，sweetertomethanallthesweetnessofmylifethusfar。 8。Whocanshowforthallthypraise[94]forthatwhichhehasexperiencedinhimselfalone？Whatwasitthatthoudidstdoatthattime，OmyGod；howunsearchablearethedepthsofthyjudgments！Forwhen，soresickofafever，helonglayunconsciousinadeathsweatandeveryonedespairedofhisrecovery，hewasbaptizedwithouthisknowledge。AndImyselfcaredlittle，atthetime，presumingthathissoulwouldretainwhatithadtakenfrommeratherthanwhatwasdonetohisunconsciousbody。Itturnedout，however，fardifferently，forhewasrevivedandrestored。Immediately，assoonasIcouldtalktohim——andIdidthisassoonashewasable，forIneverlefthimandwehungoneachotherovermuch——Itriedtojestwithhim，supposingthathealsowouldjestinreturnaboutthatbaptismwhichhehadreceivedwhenhismindandsenseswereinactive，butwhichhehadsincelearnedthathehadreceived。Butherecoiledfromme，asifIwerehisenemy，and，witharemarkableandunexpectedfreedom，headmonishedmethat，ifIdesiredtocontinueashisfriend，Imustceasetosaysuchthings。 Confoundedandconfused，IconcealedmyfeelingstillheshouldgetwellandhishealthrecoverenoughtoallowmetodealwithhimasIwished。Buthewassnatchedawayfrommymadness，thatwiththeehemightbepreservedformyconsolation。Afewdaysafter，duringmyabsence，thefeverreturnedandhedied。 9。MyheartwasutterlydarkenedbythissorrowandeverywhereIlookedIsawdeath。Mynativeplacewasatortureroomtomeandmyfather’shouseastrangeunhappiness。AndallthethingsIhaddonewithhim——nowthathewasgone——becameafrightfultorment。Myeyessoughthimeverywhere，buttheydidnotseehim；andIhatedallplacesbecausehewasnotinthem，becausetheycouldnotsaytome，”Look，heiscoming，”astheydidwhenhewasaliveandabsent。Ibecameahardriddletomyself，andIaskedmysoulwhyshewassodowncastandwhythisdisquietedmesosorely。[95]Butshedidnotknowhowtoanswerme。AndifIsaid，”HopethouinGod，”[96]sheveryproperlydisobeyedme，becausethatdearestfriendshehadlostwasasanactualman，bothtruerandbetterthantheimagineddeityshewasorderedtoputherhopein。Nothingbuttearsweresweettomeandtheytookmyfriend’splaceinmyheart’sdesire。 CHAPTERV 10。Butnow，OLord，thesethingsarepastandtimehashealedmywound。Letmelearnfromthee，whoartTruth，andputtheearofmyhearttothymouth，thatthoumayesttellmewhyweepingshouldbesosweettotheunhappy。Hastthou——thoughomnipresent——dismissedourmiseriesfromthyconcern？Thouabidestinthyselfwhilewearedisquietedwithtrialaftertrial。 Yetunlessweweptinthyears，therewouldbenohopeforusremaining。Howdoesithappenthatsuchsweetfruitispluckedfromthebitternessoflife，fromgroans，tears，sighs，andlamentations？Isitthehopethatthouwilthearusthatsweetensit？Thisistrueinthecaseofprayer，forinaprayerthereisadesiretoapproachthee。Butisitalsothecaseingriefforalostlove，andinthekindofsorrowthathadthenoverwhelmedme？ ForIhadneitherahopeofhiscomingbacktolife，norinallmytearsdidIseekthis。Isimplygrievedandwept，forIwasmiserableandhadlostmyjoy。Orisweepingabitterthingthatgivesuspleasurebecauseofouraversiontothethingsweonceenjoyedandthisonlyaslongasweloathethem？ CHAPTERVI 11。ButwhydoIspeakofthesethings？Nowisnotthetimetoasksuchquestions，butrathertoconfesstothee。Iwaswretched；andeverysouliswretchedthatisfetteredinthefriendshipofmortalthings——itistorntopieceswhenitlosesthem，andthenrealizesthemiserywhichithadevenbeforeitlostthem。Thusitwasatthattimewithme。Iweptmostbitterly，andfoundarestinbitterness。Iwaswretched，andyetthatwretchedlifeIstillhelddearerthanmyfriend。ForthoughIwouldwillinglyhavechangedit，Iwasstillmoreunwillingtoloseitthantohavelosthim。Indeed，IdoubtwhetherIwaswillingtoloseit，evenforhim——astheytell(unlessitbefiction)ofthefriendshipofOrestesandPylades[97]；theywouldhavegladlydiedforoneanother，orbothtogether，becausenottolovetogetherwasworsethandeathtothem。Butastrangekindoffeelinghadcomeoverme，quitedifferentfromthis，fornowitwaswearisometoliveandafearfulthingtodie。IsupposethatthemoreIlovedhimthemoreIhatedandfeared，asthemostcruelenemy，thatdeathwhichhadrobbedmeofhim。Ievenimaginedthatitwouldsuddenlyannihilateallmen，sinceithadhadsuchapoweroverhim。ThisisthewayIrememberitwaswithme。 Lookintomyheart，OGod！Beholdandlookdeepwithinme，forIrememberitwell，OmyHopewhocleansestmefromtheuncleannessofsuchaffections，directingmyeyestowardtheeandpluckingmyfeetoutofthesnare。AndImarveledthatothermortalswentonlivingsincehewhomIhadlovedasifhewouldneverdiewasnowdead。AndImarveledallthemorethatI，whohadbeenasecondselftohim，couldgoonlivingwhenhewasdead。Someonespokerightlyofhisfriendasbeing”hissoul’sotherhalf”[98]——forIfeltthatmysoulandhissoulwerebutonesoulintwobodies。Consequently，mylifewasnowahorrortomebecauseIdidnotwanttoliveasahalfself。ButitmayhavebeenthatIwasafraidtodie，lestheshouldthendiewhollywhomIhadsogreatlyloved。 CHAPTERVII 12。Omadnessthatknowsnothowtolovemenastheyshouldbeloved！OfoolishmanthatIwasthen，enduringwithsomuchrebellionthelotofeveryman！ThusIfretted，sighed，wept，tormentedmyself，andtookneitherrestnorcounsel，forIwasdraggingaroundmytornandbloodysoul。Itwasimpatientofmydraggingitaround，andyetIcouldnotfindaplacetolayitdown。Notinpleasantgroves，norinsportorsong，norinfragrantbowers，norinmagnificentbanquetings，norinthepleasuresofthebedorthecouch；noteveninbooksorpoetrydiditfindrest。Allthingslookedgloomy，eventheverylightitself。Whatsoeverwasnotwhathewas，wasnowrepulsiveandhateful，exceptmygroansandtears，forinthosealoneIfoundalittlerest。Butwhenmysoulleftoffweeping，aheavyburdenofmiseryweighedmedown。Itshouldhavebeenraiseduptothee，O Lord，fortheetolightenandtolift。ThisIknew，butIwasneitherwillingnorabletodo；especiallysince，inmythoughtsofthee，thouwastnotthyselfbutonlyanemptyfantasm。Thusmyerrorwasmygod。IfItriedtocastoffmyburdenonthisfantasm，thatitmightfindrestthere，itsankthroughthevacuumandcamerushingdownagainuponme。ThusIremainedtomyselfanunhappylodgingwhereIcouldneitherstaynorleave。Forwherecouldmyheartflyfrommyheart？WherecouldIflyfrommyownself？WherewouldInotfollowmyself？AndyetIdidfleefrommynativeplacesothatmyeyeswouldlookforhimlessinaplacewheretheywerenotaccustomedtoseehim。ThusIleftthetownofTagasteandreturnedtoCarthage。 CHAPTERVIII 13。Timeneverlapses，nordoesitglideatleisurethroughoursenseperceptions。Itdoesstrangethingsinthemind。Lo，timecameandwentfromdaytoday，andbycomingandgoingitbroughttomymindotherideasandremembrances，andlittlebylittletheypatchedmeupagainwithearlierkindsofpleasureandmysorrowyieldedabittothem。Butyettherefollowedafterthissorrow，notothersorrowsjustlikeit，butthecausesofothersorrows。ForwhyhadthatfirstsorrowsoeasilypenetratedtothequickexceptthatIhadpouredoutmysoulontothedust，bylovingamanasifhewouldneverdiewhoneverthelesshadtodie？Whatrevivedandrefreshedme，morethananythingelse，wastheconsolationofotherfriends，withwhomIwentonlovingthethingsIlovedinsteadofthee。Thiswasamonstrousfableandatediousliewhichwascorruptingmysoulwithits”itchingears”[99]byitsadulterousrubbing。Andthatfablewouldnotdietomeasoftenasoneofmyfriendsdied。Andtherewereotherthingsinourcompanionshipthattookstrongholdofmymind:todiscourseandjestwithhim；toindulgeincourteousexchanges；toreadpleasantbookstogether；totrifletogether；tobeearnesttogether；todifferattimeswithoutill-humor，asamanmightdowithhimself，andeventhroughtheseinfrequentdissensionstofindzestinourmorefrequentagreements；sometimesteaching，sometimesbeingtaught；longingforsomeoneabsentwithimpatienceandwelcomingthehomecomerwithjoy。Theseandsimilartokensoffriendship，whichspringspontaneouslyfromtheheartsofthosewholoveandarelovedinreturn——incountenance，tongue，eyes，andathousandingratiatinggestures——wereallsomuchfueltomeltoursoulstogether，andoutofthemanymadeusone。 CHAPTERIX 14。Thisiswhatweloveinourfriends，andweloveitsomuchthataman’sconscienceaccusesitselfifhedoesnotloveonewholoveshim，orrespondinlovetolove，seekingnothingfromtheotherbuttheevidencesofhislove。Thisisthesourceofourmoaningwhenonedies——thegloomofsorrow，thesteepingoftheheartintears，allsweetnessturnedtobitterness——andthefeelingofdeathintheliving，becauseofthelossofthelifeofthedying。 Blessedishewholovesthee，andwholoveshisfriendinthee，andhisenemyalso，forthysake；forhealonelosesnonedeartohim，ifallaredearinHimwhocannotbelost。AndwhoisthisbutourGod:theGodthatcreatedheavenandearth，andfilledthembecausehecreatedthembyfillingthemup？Nonelosestheebuthewholeavesthee；andhewholeavesthee，wheredoeshego，orwherecanhefleebutfromtheewell-pleasedtotheeoffended？Forwheredoeshenotfindthylawfulfilledinhisownpunishment？”Thylawisthetruth”[100]andthouartTruth。 CHAPTERX 15。”Turnusagain，OLordGodofHosts，causethyfacetoshine；andweshallbesaved。”[101]Forwhereverthesoulofmanturnsitself，unlesstowardthee，itisenmeshedinsorrows，eventhoughitissurroundedbybeautifulthingsoutsidetheeandoutsideitself。Forlovelythingswouldsimplynotbeunlesstheywerefromthee。Theycometobeandtheypassaway，andbycomingtheybegintobe，andtheygrowtowardperfection。Then，whenperfect，theybegintowaxoldandperish，and，ifalldonotwaxold，stillallperish。Therefore，whentheyriseandgrowtowardbeing，themorerapidlytheygrowtomaturity，soalsothemorerapidlytheyhastenbacktowardnonbeing。Thisisthewayofthings。Thisisthelotthouhastgiventhem，becausetheyarepartofthingswhichdonotallexistatthesametime，butbypassingawayandsucceedingeachothertheyallmakeuptheuniverse，ofwhichtheyareallparts。Forexample，ourspeechisaccomplishedbysoundswhichsignifymeanings，butameaningisnotcompleteunlessonewordpassesaway，whenithassoundeditspart，sothatthenextmayfollowafterit。Letmysoulpraisethee，inallthesethings，OGod，theCreatorofall；butletnotmysoulbestucktothesethingsbytheglueoflove，throughthesensesofthebody。Fortheygowheretheyweremeanttogo，thattheymayexistnolonger。Andtheyrendthesoulwithpestilentdesiresbecauseshelongstobeandyetlovestorestsecureinthecreatedthingssheloves。Butinthesethingsthereisnorestingplacetobefound。Theydonotabide。Theyfleeaway； andwhoishewhocanfollowthemwithhisphysicalsenses？Orwhocangraspthem，evenwhentheyarepresent？Forourphysicalsenseisslowbecauseitisaphysicalsenseandbearsitsownlimitationsinitself。Thephysicalsenseisquitesufficientforwhatitwasmadetodo；butitisnotsufficienttostaythingsfromrunningtheircoursesfromthebeginningappointedtotheendappointed。Forinthyword，bywhichtheywerecreated，theyheartheirappointedbound:”Fromthere——tohere！” CHAPTERXI 16。Benotfoolish，Omysoul，anddonotletthetumultofyourvanitydeafentheearofyourheart。Beattentive。TheWorditselfcallsyoutoreturn，andwithhimisaplaceofunperturbedrest，whereloveisnotforsakenunlessitfirstforsakes。 Behold，thesethingspassawaythatothersmaycometobeintheirplace。Thuseventhislowestlevelofunity[102]maybemadecompleteinallitsparts。”ButdoIeverpassaway？”askstheWordofGod。Fixyourhabitationinhim。Omysoul，commitwhatsoeveryouhavetohim。Foratlonglastyouarenowbecomingtiredofdeceit。Committotruthwhateveryouhavereceivedfromthetruth，andyouwilllosenothing。Whatisdecayedwillflourishagain；yourdiseaseswillbehealed；yourperishablepartsshallbereshapedandrenovated，andmadewholeagaininyou。Andtheseperishablethingswillnotcarryyouwiththemdowntowheretheygowhentheyperish，butshallstandandabide，andyouwiththem，beforeGod，whoabidesandcontinuesforever。 17。Whythen，myperversesoul，doyougoonfollowingyourflesh？Instead，letitbeconvertedsoastofollowyou。 Whateveryoufeelthroughitisbutpartial。Youdonotknowthewhole，ofwhichsensationsarebutparts；andyetthepartsdelightyou。Butifmyphysicalsenseshadbeenabletocomprehendthewhole——andhadnotasapartoftheirpunishmentreceivedonlyaportionofthewholeastheirownprovince——youwouldthendesirethatwhateverexistsinthepresenttimeshouldalsopassawaysothatthewholemightpleaseyoumore。Forwhatwespeak，youalsohearthroughphysicalsensation，andyetyouwouldnotwishthatthesyllablesshouldremain。Instead，youwishthemtoflypastsothatothersmayfollowthem，andthewholebeheard。Thusitisalwaysthatwhenanysinglethingiscomposedofmanypartswhichdonotcoexistsimultaneously，thewholegivesmoredelightthanthepartscouldeverdoperceivedseparately。ButfarbetterthanallthisisHewhomadeitall。 HeisourGodandhedoesnotpassaway，forthereisnothingtotakehisplace。 CHAPTERXII 18。Ifphysicalobjectspleaseyou，praiseGodforthem，butturnbackyourlovetotheirCreator，lest，inthosethingswhichpleaseyou，youdispleasehim。Ifsoulspleaseyou，letthembelovedinGod；forinthemselvestheyaremutable，butinhimfirmlyestablished——withouthimtheywouldsimplyceasetoexist。Inhim，then，letthembeloved；andbringalongtohimwithyourselfasmanysoulsasyoucan，andsaytothem:”Letuslovehim，forhehimselfcreatedallthese，andheisnotfarawayfromthem。Forhedidnotcreatethem，andthengoaway。Theyareofhimandinhim。Behold，thereheis，wherevertruthisknown。Heiswithintheinmostheart，yetthehearthaswanderedawayfromhim。Returntoyourheart，Oyoutransgressors，andholdfasttohimwhomadeyou。Standwithhimandyoushallstandfast。Restinhimandyoushallbeatrest。Wheredoyougoalongtheseruggedpaths？Whereareyougoing？Thegoodthatyouloveisfromhim，andinsofarasitisalsoforhim，itisbothgoodandpleasant。Butitwillrightlybeturnedtobitternessifwhatevercomesfromhimisnotrightlylovedandifheisdesertedfortheloveofthecreature。Whythenwillyouwanderfartherandfartherinthesedifficultandtoilsomeways？Thereisnorestwhereyouseekit。Seekwhatyouseek；butrememberthatitisnotwhereyouseekit。Youseekforablessedlifeinthelandofdeath。Itisnotthere。Forhowcantherebeablessedlifewherelifeitselfisnot？” 19。ButourveryLifecamedowntoearthandboreourdeath，andslewitwiththeveryabundanceofhisownlife。And，thundering，hecalledustoreturntohimintothatsecretplacefromwhichhecameforthtous——comingfirstintothevirginalwomb，wherethehumancreature，ourmortalflesh，wasjoinedtohimthatitmightnotbeforevermortal——andcame”asabridegroomcomingouthischamber，rejoicingasastrongmantorunarace。”[103]Forhedidnotdelay，butranthroughtheworld，cryingoutbywords，deeds，death，life，descent，ascension——cryingaloudtoustoreturntohim。Andhedepartedfromoursightthatwemightreturntoourheartsandfindhimthere。Forheleftus，andbehold，heishere。Hecouldnotbewithuslong，yethedidnotleaveus。Hewentbacktotheplacethathehadneverleft，for”theworldwasmadebyhim。”[104]Inthisworldhewas，andintothisworldhecame，tosavesinners。Tohimmysoulconfesses，andhehealsit，becauseithadsinnedagainsthim。Osonsofmen，howlongwillyoubesoslowofheart？EvennowafterLifeitselfhascomedowntoyou，willyounotascendandlive？Butwherewillyouclimbifyouarealreadyonapinnacleandhavesetyourmouthagainsttheheavens？Firstcomedownthatyoumayclimbup，climbuptoGod。Foryouhavefallenbytryingtoclimbagainsthim。Tellthistothesoulsyoulovethattheymayweepinthevalleyoftears，andsobringthemalongwithyoutoGod，becauseitisbyhisspiritthatyouspeakthustothem，if，asyouspeak，youburnwiththefireoflove。 CHAPTERXIII 20。ThesethingsIdidnotunderstandatthattime，andI lovedthoseinferiorbeauties，andIwassinkingdowntotheverydepths。AndIsaidtomyfriends:”Doweloveanythingbutthebeautiful？Whatthenisthebeautiful？Andwhatisbeauty？Whatisitthatalluresandunitesustothethingswelove；forunlesstherewereagraceandbeautyinthem，theycouldnotpossiblyattractustothem？”AndIreflectedonthisandsawthatintheobjectsthemselvesthereisakindofbeautywhichcomesfromtheirformingawholeandanotherkindofbeautythatcomesfrommutualfitness——astheharmonyofonepartofthebodywithitswhole，orashoewithafoot，andsoon。Andthisideasprangupinmymindoutofmyinmostheart，andIwrotesomebooks——twoorthree，Ithink——OntheBeautifulandtheFitting。[105]Thouknowestthem，OLord；theyhaveescapedmymemory。Inolongerhavethem；somehowtheyhavebeenmislaid。 CHAPTERXIV 21。Whatwasit，OLordmyGod，thatpromptedmetodedicatethesebookstoHierius，anoratorofRome，amanIdidnotknowbysightbutwhomIlovedforhisreputationoflearning，inwhichhewasfamous——andalsoforsomewordsofhisthatIhadheardwhichhadpleasedme？Buthepleasedmemorebecausehepleasedothers，whogavehimhighpraiseandexpressedamazementthataSyrian，whohadfirststudiedGreekeloquence，shouldthereafterbecomesowonderfulaLatinoratorandalsosowellversedinphilosophy。Thusamanwehaveneverseeniscommendedandloved。 Doesalovelikethiscomeintotheheartofthehearerfromthemouthofhimwhosingstheother’spraise？Notso。Instead，onecatchesthesparkoflovefromonewholoves。Thisiswhyweloveonewhoispraisedwhentheeulogistisbelievedtogivehispraisefromanunfeignedheart；thatis，whenhewholoveshimpraiseshim。 22。ThusitwasthatIlovedmenonthebasisofothermen’sjudgment，andnotthine，OmyGod，inwhomnomanisdeceived。 ButwhyisitthatthefeelingIhadforsuchmenwasnotlikemyfeelingtowardtherenownedcharioteer，orthegreatgladiatorialhunter，famedfarandwideandpopularwiththemob？Actually，I admiredtheoratorinadifferentandmoreseriousfashion，asI wouldmyselfdesiretobeadmired。ForIdidnotwantthemtopraiseandlovemeasactorswerepraisedandloved——althoughI myselfpraiseandlovethemtoo。Iwouldpreferbeingunknownthanknowninthatway，orevenbeinghatedthanlovedthatway。 Howarethesevariousinfluencesanddiverssortsoflovesdistributedwithinonesoul？WhatisitthatIaminlovewithinanotherwhich，ifIdidnothate，Ishouldneitherdetestnorrepelfrommyself，seeingthatweareequallymen？Foritdoesnotfollowthatbecausethegoodhorseisadmiredbyamanwhowouldnotbethathorse——evenifhecould——thesamekindofadmirationshouldbegiventoanactor，whosharesournature。DoIthenlovethatinaman，whichIalso，aman，wouldhatetobe？ Manishimselfagreatdeep。Thoudostnumberhisveryhairs，O Lord，andtheydonotfalltothegroundwithoutthee，andyetthehairsofhisheadaremorereadilynumberedthanarehisaffectionsandthemovementsofhisheart。 23。ButthatoratorwhomIadmiredsomuchwasthekindofmanIwishedmyselftobe。ThusIerredthroughaswellingprideand”wascarriedaboutwitheverywind，”[106]butthroughitallI wasbeingpilotedbythee，thoughmostsecretly。AndhowisitthatIknow——whencecomesmyconfidentconfessiontothee—— thatIlovedhimmorebecauseoftheloveofthosewhopraisedhimthanforthethingstheypraisedinhim？Becauseifhehadgoneunpraised，andthesesamepeoplehadcriticizedhimandhadspokenthesamethingsofhiminatoneofscornanddisapproval，I shouldneverhavebeenkindledandprovokedtolovehim。Andyethisqualitieswouldnothavebeendifferent，norwouldhehavebeendifferenthimself；onlytheappraisalsofthespectators。 Seewherethehelplesssoulliesprostratethatisnotyetsustainedbythestabilityoftruth！Justasthebreezesofspeechblowfromthebreastoftheopinionated，soalsothesoulistossedthiswayandthat，drivenforwardandbackward，andthelightisobscuredtoitandthetruthnotseen。Andyet，thereitisinfrontofus。Andtomeitwasagreatmatterthatbothmyliteraryworkandmyzestforlearningshouldbeknownbythatman。Forifheapprovedthem，Iwouldbeevenmorefondofhim； butifhedisapproved，thisvainheartofmine，devoidofthysteadfastness，wouldhavebeenoffended。AndsoImeditatedontheproblem”ofthebeautifulandthefitting”anddedicatedmyessayonittohim。Iregardeditadmiringly，thoughnooneelsejoinedmeindoingso。 CHAPTERXV 24。ButIhadnotseenhowthemainpointinthesegreatissues[concerningthenatureofbeauty]layreallyinthycraftsmanship，OOmnipotentOne，”whoalonedoestgreatwonders。”[107]Andsomymindrangedthroughthecorporealforms，andIdefinedanddistinguishedas”beautiful”thatwhichissoinitselfandas”fit”thatwhichisbeautifulinrelationtosomeotherthing。ThisargumentIsupportedbycorporealexamples。