第3章

AndIturnedmyattentiontothenatureofthemind，butthefalseopinionswhichIheldconcerningspiritualthingspreventedmefromseeingthetruth。Still，theverypoweroftruthforceditselfonmygaze，andIturnedmythrobbingsoulawayfromincorporealsubstancetoqualitiesoflineandcolorandshape，and，becauseIcouldnotperceivethesewithmymind，IconcludedthatIcouldnotperceivemymind。AndsinceIlovedthepeacewhichisinvirtue，andhatedthediscordwhichisinvice，I distinguishedbetweentheunitythereisinvirtueandthediscordthereisinvice。Iconceivedthatunityconsistedoftherationalsoulandthenatureoftruthandthehighestgood。ButI imaginedthatinthedisunitytherewassomekindofsubstanceofirrationallifeandsomekindofentityinthesupremeevil。ThisevilIthoughtwasnotonlyasubstancebutreallifeaswell，andyetIbelievedthatitdidnotcomefromthee，OmyGod，fromwhomareallthings。AndthefirstIcalledaMonad，asifitwereasoulwithoutsex。TheotherIcalledaDyad，whichshoweditselfinangerindeedsofviolence，indeedsofpassionandlust——butIdidnotknowwhatIwastalkingabout。ForIhadnotunderstoodnorhadIbeentaughtthatevilisnotasubstanceatallandthatoursoulisnotthatsupremeandunchangeablegood。 25。Forjustasinviolentacts，iftheemotionofthesoulfromwhencetheviolentimpulsespringsisdepravedandassertsitselfinsolentlyandmutinously——andjustasintheactsofpassion，iftheaffectionofthesoulwhichgivesrisetocarnaldesiresisunrestrained——soalso，inthesameway，errorsandfalseopinionscontaminatelifeiftherationalsoulitselfisdepraved。Thusitwasthenwithme，forIwasignorantthatmysoulhadtobeenlightenedbyanotherlight，ifitwastobepartakerofthetruth，sinceitisnotitselftheessenceoftruth。”Forthouwiltlightmylamp；theLordmyGodwilllightenmydarkness”[108]；and”ofhisfullnesshaveweallreceived，”[109]for”thatwasthetrueLightthatlightetheverymanthatcomethintotheworld”[110]；for”intheethereisnovariableness，neithershadowofturning。”[111] 26。ButIpushedontowardthee，andwaspressedbackbytheethatImightknowthetasteofdeath，for”thouresistesttheproud。”[112]Andwhatgreaterpridecouldtherebeformethan，withamarvelousmadness，toassertmyselftobethatnaturewhichthouart？Iwasmutable——thismuchwasclearenoughtomebecausemyverylongingtobecomewisearoseoutofawishtochangefromworsetobetter——yetIchoserathertothinktheemutablethantothinkthatIwasnotasthouart。ForthisreasonIwasthrustback；thoudidstresistmyficklepride。ThusIwentonimaginingcorporealforms，and，sinceIwasfleshIaccusedtheflesh，and，sinceIwas”awindthatpassesaway，”[113]Ididnotreturntotheebutwentwanderingandwanderingontowardthosethingsthathavenobeing——neitherintheenorinme，norinthebody。Thesefancieswerenotcreatedformebythytruthbutconceivedbymyownvainconceitoutofsensorynotions。AndI usedtoaskthyfaithfulchildren——myownfellowcitizens，fromwhomIstoodunconsciouslyexiled——Iusedflippantlyandfoolishlytoaskthem，”Why，then，doesthesoul，whichGodcreated，err？”ButIwouldnotallowanyonetoaskme，”Why，then，doesGoderr？”Ipreferredtocontendthatthyimmutablesubstancewasinvolvedinerrorthroughnecessityratherthanadmitthatmyownmutablesubstancehadgoneastrayofitsownfreewillandhadfallenintoerrorasitspunishment。 27。Iwasabouttwenty-sixortwenty-sevenwhenIwrotethosebooks，analyzingandreflectinguponthosesensoryimageswhichclamoredintheearsofmyheart。Iwasstrainingthoseearstohearthyinwardmelody，OsweetTruth，ponderingon”thebeautifulandthefitting”andlongingtostayandhearthee，andtorejoicegreatlyat”theBridegroom’svoice。”[114]YetIcouldnot，forbytheclamorofmyownerrorsIwashurriedoutsidemyself，andbytheweightofmyownprideIwassinkingeverlower。Youdidnot”makemetohearjoyandgladness，”nordidthebonesrejoicewhichwerenotyethumbled。[115] 28。Andwhatdiditprofitmethat，whenIwasscarcelytwentyyearsold，abookofAristotle’sentitledTheTenCategories[116]fellintomyhands？OntheverytitleofthisI hungasonsomethinggreatanddivine，sincemyrhetoricmasteratCarthageandotherswhohadreputationsforlearningwerealwaysreferringtoitwithsuchswellingpride。Ireaditbymyselfandunderstoodit。AndwhatdiditmeanthatwhenIdiscusseditwithotherstheysaidthatevenwiththeassistanceoftutors——whonotonlyexplaineditorally，butdrewmanydiagramsinthesand——theyscarcelyunderstooditandcouldtellmenomoreaboutitthanIhadacquiredinthereadingofitbymyselfalone？Forthebookappearedtometospeakplainlyenoughaboutsubstances，suchasaman；andoftheirqualities，suchastheshapeofaman，hiskind，hisstature，howmanyfeethigh，andhisfamilyrelationship，hisstatus，whenborn，whetherheissittingorstanding，isshodorarmed，orisdoingsomethingorhavingsomethingdonetohim——andalltheinnumerablethingsthatareclassifiedundertheseninecategories(ofwhichIhavegivensomeexamples)orunderthechiefcategoryofsubstance。 29。Whatdidallthisprofitme，sinceitactuallyhinderedmewhenIimaginedthatwhateverexistedwascomprehendedwithinthosetencategories？Itriedtointerpretthem，OmyGod，sothateventhywonderfulandunchangeableunitycouldbeunderstoodassubjectedtothyownmagnitudeorbeauty，asiftheyexistedintheeastheirSubject——astheydoincorporealbodies——whereasthouartthyselfthyownmagnitudeandbeauty。Abodyisnotgreatorfairbecauseitisabody，because，evenifitwerelessgreatorlessbeautiful，itwouldstillbeabody。Butmyconceptionoftheewasfalsity，nottruth。Itwasafigmentofmyownmisery，notthestablegroundofthyblessedness。Forthouhadstcommanded，anditwascarriedoutinme，thattheearthshouldbringforthbriarsandthornsforme，andthatwithheavylaborIshouldgainmybread。[117] 30。AndwhatdiditprofitmethatIcouldreadandunderstandformyselfallthebooksIcouldgetintheso-called”liberalarts，”whenIwasactuallyaworthlessslaveofwickedlust？Itookdelightinthem，notknowingtherealsourceofwhatitwasinthemthatwastrueandcertain。ForIhadmybacktowardthelight，andmyfacetowardthethingsonwhichthelightfalls，sothatmyface，whichlookedtowardtheilluminatedthings，wasnotitselfilluminated。Whateverwaswritteninanyofthefieldsofrhetoricorlogic，geometry，music，orarithmetic，Icouldunderstandwithoutanygreatdifficultyandwithouttheinstructionofanotherman。Allthisthouknowest，O LordmyGod，becausebothquicknessinunderstandingandacutenessininsightarethygifts。YetforsuchgiftsImadenothankofferingtothee。Therefore，myabilitiesservednotmyprofitbutrathermyloss，sinceIwentabouttryingtobringsolargeapartofmysubstanceintomyownpower。AndIdidnotstoreupmystrengthforthee，butwentawayfromtheeintothefarcountrytoprostitutemygiftsindisorderedappetite。[118]Andwhatdidtheseabilitiesprofitme，ifIdidnotputthemtogooduse？I didnotrealizethatthoseartswereunderstoodwithgreatdifficulty，evenbythestudiousandtheintelligent，untilI triedtoexplainthemtoothersanddiscoveredthateventhemostproficientinthemfollowedmyexplanationsalltooslowly。 31。Andyetwhatdidthisprofitme，sinceIstillsupposedthatthou，OLordGod，theTruth，wertabrightandvastbodyandthatIwasaparticleofthatbody？Operversitygonetoofar！ Butsoitwaswithme。AndIdonotblush，OmyGod，toconfessthymerciestomeinthypresence，ortocalluponthee——anymorethanIdidnotblushwhenIopenlyavowedmyblasphemiesbeforemen，andbayed，houndlike，againstthee。Whatgoodwasitformethatmynimblewitcouldrunthroughthosestudiesanddisentangleallthoseknottyvolumes，withouthelpfromahumanteacher，sinceallthewhileIwaserringsohatefullyandwithsuchsacrilegeasfarastherightsubstanceofpiousfaithwasconcerned？Andwhatkindofburdenwasitforthylittleonestohaveafarslowerwit，sincetheydidnotuseittodepartfromthee，andsincetheyremainedinthenestofthyChurchtobecomesafelyfledgedandtonourishthewingsoflovebythefoodofasoundfaith。 OLordourGod，undertheshadowofthywingsletushope—— defendusandsupportus。[119]Thouwiltbearusupwhenwearelittleandevendowntoourgrayhairsthouwiltcarryus。Forourstability，whenitisinthee，isstabilityindeed；butwhenitisinourselves，thenitisallunstable。Ourgoodlivesforeverwiththee，andwhenweturnfromtheewithaversion，wefallintoourownperversion。Letusnow，OLord，returnthatwebenotoverturned，becausewiththeeourgoodliveswithoutblemish——forourgoodistheethyself。Andweneednotfearthatweshallfindnoplacetoreturntobecausewefellawayfromit。For，inourabsence，ourhome——whichisthyeternity—— doesnotfallaway。 BOOKFIVE Ayearofdecision。FaustuscomestoCarthageandAugustineisdisenchantedinhishopeforsoliddemonstrationofthetruthofManicheandoctrine。HedecidestofleefromhisknowntroublesatCarthagetotroublesyetunknownatRome。HisexperiencesatRomeprovedisappointingandheappliesforateachingpostatMilan。HerehemeetsAmbrose，whoconfrontshimasanimpressivewitnessforCatholicChristianityandopensoutthepossibilitiesoftheallegoricalinterpretationofScripture。AugustinedecidestobecomeaChristiancatechumen。 CHAPTERI 1。Acceptthissacrificeofmyconfessionsfromthehandofmytongue。Thoudidstformitandhastpromptedittopraisethyname。Healallmybonesandletthemsay，”OLord，whoislikeuntothee？”[120]Itisnotthatonewhoconfessestotheeinstructstheeastowhatgoesonwithinhim。Fortheclosedheartdoesnotbarthysightintoit，nordoesthehardnessofourheartholdbackthyhands，forthoucanstsoftenitatwill，eitherbymercyorinvengeance，”andthereisnoonewhocanhidehimselffromthyheat。”[121]Butletmysoulpraisethee，thatitmaylovethee，andletitconfessthymerciestothee，thatitmaypraisethee。Thywholecreationpraisestheewithoutceasing:thespiritofman，byhisownlips，byhisownvoice，lifteduptothee；animalsandlifelessmatterbythemouthsofthosewhomeditateuponthem。Thusoursoulsmayclimboutoftheirwearinesstowardtheeandleanonthosethingswhichthouhastcreatedandpassthroughthemtothee，whodidstcreatetheminamarvelousway。Withthee，thereisrefreshmentandtruestrength。 CHAPTERII 2。Lettherestlessandtheunrighteousdepart，andfleeawayfromthee。Evenso，thouseestthemandthyeyepiercesthroughtheshadowsinwhichtheyrun。Forlo，theyliveinaworldofbeautyandyetarethemselvesmostfoul。Andhowhavetheyharmedthee？Orinwhatwayhavetheydiscreditedthypower，whichisjustandperfectinitsruleeventothelastitemincreation？Indeed，wherewouldtheyflywhentheyfledfromthypresence？Wouldstthoubeunabletofindthem？Buttheyfledthattheymightnotseethee，whosawestthem；thattheymightbeblindedandstumbleintothee。Butthouforsakestnothingthatthouhastmade。Theunrighteousstumbleagainsttheethattheymaybejustlyplagued，fleeingfromthygentlenessandcollidingwiththyjustice，andfallingontheirownroughpaths。Forintruththeydonotknowthatthouarteverywhere；thatnoplacecontainsthee，andthatonlythouartneareventothosewhogofarthestfromthee。Letthem，therefore，turnbackandseekthee，becauseeveniftheyhaveabandonedthee，theirCreator，thouhastnotabandonedthycreatures。Letthemturnbackandseekthee—— andlo，thouartthereintheirhearts，thereintheheartsofthosewhoconfesstothee。Letthemcastthemselvesuponthee，andweeponthybosom，afteralltheirwearywanderings；andthouwiltgentlywipeawaytheirtears。[122]Andtheyweepthemoreandrejoiceintheirweeping，sincethou，OLord，artnotamanoffleshandblood。ThouarttheLord，whocanstremakewhatthoudidstmakeandcanstcomfortthem。AndwherewasIwhenIwasseekingthee？Therethouwast，beforeme；butIhadgoneaway，evenfrommyself，andIcouldnotfindmyself，muchlessthee。 CHAPTERIII 3。LetmenowlaybareinthesightofGodthetwenty-ninthyearofmyage。TherehadjustcometoCarthageacertainbishopoftheManicheans，Faustusbyname，agreatsnareofthedevil； andmanywereentangledbyhimthroughthecharmofhiseloquence。 Now，eventhoughIfoundthiseloquenceadmirable，Iwasbeginningtodistinguishthecharmofwordsfromthetruthofthings，whichIwaseagertolearn。NordidIconsiderthedishasmuchasI didthekindofmeatthattheirfamousFaustusserveduptomeinit。Hisfamehadrunbeforehim，asoneveryskilledinanhonorablelearningandpre-eminentlyskilledintheliberalarts。 AndasIhadalreadyreadandstoredupinmemorymanyoftheinjunctionsofthephilosophers，IbegantocomparesomeoftheirdoctrineswiththetediousfablesoftheManicheans；anditstruckmethattheprobabilitywasonthesideofthephilosophers，whosepowerreachedfarenoughtoenablethemtoformafairjudgmentoftheworld，eventhoughtheyhadnotdiscoveredthesovereignLordofitall。Forthouartgreat，OLord，andthouhastrespectuntothelowly，buttheproudthouknowestafaroff。[123]Thoudrawestneartononebutthecontriteinheart，andcanstnotbefoundbytheproud，evenifintheirinquisitiveskilltheymaynumberthestarsandthesands，andmapouttheconstellations，andtracethecoursesoftheplanets。 4。Foritisbythemindandtheintelligencewhichthougavestthemthattheyinvestigatethesethings。Theyhavediscoveredmuch；andhaveforetold，manyyearsinadvance，theday，thehour，andtheextentoftheeclipsesofthoseluminaries，thesunandthemoon。Theircalculationsdidnotfail，anditcametopassastheypredicted。Andtheywrotedowntherulestheyhaddiscovered，sothattothisdaytheymaybereadandfromthemmaybecalculatedinwhatyearandmonthanddayandhouroftheday，andatwhatquarterofitslight，eitherthemoonorthesunwillbeeclipsed，anditwillcometopassjustaspredicted。 Andmenwhoareignorantinthesemattersmarvelandareamazed； andthosewhounderstandthemexultandareexalted。Both，byanimpiouspride，withdrawfromtheeandforsakethylight。Theyforetellaneclipseofthesunbeforeithappens，buttheydonotseetheirowneclipsewhichisevennowoccurring。Fortheydonotask，asreligiousmenshould，whatisthesourceoftheintelligencebywhichtheyinvestigatethesematters。Moreover，whentheydiscoverthatthoudidstmakethem，theydonotgivethemselvesuptotheethatthoumightestpreservewhatthouhastmade。Nordotheyoffer，assacrificetothee，whattheyhavemadeofthemselves。Fortheydonotslaughtertheirownpride—— astheydothesacrificialfowls——northeirowncuriositiesbywhich，likethefishesofthesea，theywanderthroughtheunknownpathsofthedeep。Nordotheycurbtheirownextravagancesastheydothoseof”thebeastsofthefield，”[124]sothatthou，O Lord，”aconsumingfire，”[125]mayestburnuptheirmortalcaresandrenewthemuntoimmortality。 5。Theydonotknowthewaywhichisthyword，bywhichthoudidstcreateallthethingsthatareandalsothemenwhomeasurethem，andthesensesbywhichtheyperceivewhattheymeasure，andtheintelligencewherebytheydiscernthepatternsofmeasure。 Thustheyknownotthatthywisdomisnotamatterofmeasure。[126]ButtheOnlyBegottenhathbeen”madeuntouswisdom，andrighteousness，andsanctification”[127]andhathbeennumberedamongusandpaidtributetoCaesar。[128]Andtheydonotknowthis”Way”bywhichtheycoulddescendfromthemselvestohiminordertoascendthroughhimtohim。Theydidnotknowthis”Way，”andsotheyfanciedthemselvesexaltedtothestarsandtheshiningheavens。Andlo，theyfellupontheearth，and”theirfoolishheartwasdarkened。”[129]TheysawmanytruethingsaboutthecreaturebuttheydonotseekwithtruepietyfortheTruth，theArchitectofCreation，andhencetheydonotfindhim。Or，iftheydofindhim，andknowthatheisGod，theydonotglorifyhimasGod；neitheraretheythankfulbutbecomevainintheirimagination，andsaythattheythemselvesarewise，andattributetothemselveswhatisthine。Atthesametime，withthemostperverseblindness，theywishtoattributetotheetheirownquality——sothattheyloadtheirliesontheewhoarttheTruth，”changingthegloryoftheincorruptibleGodforanimageofcorruptibleman，andbirds，andfour-footedbeasts，andcreepingthings。”[130]”Theyexchangedthytruthforalie，andworshipedandservedthecreatureratherthantheCreator。”[131] 6。YetIrememberedmanyatruesayingofthephilosophersaboutthecreation，andIsawtheconfirmationoftheircalculationsintheorderlysequenceofseasonsandinthevisibleevidenceofthestars。AndIcomparedthiswiththedoctrinesofMani，whoinhisvoluminousfollywrotemanybooksonthesesubjects。ButIcouldnotdiscoverthereanyaccount，ofeitherthesolsticesortheequinoxes，ortheeclipsesofthesunandmoon，oranythingofthesortthatIhadlearnedinthebooksofsecularphilosophy。ButstillIwasorderedtobelieve，evenwheretheideasdidnotcorrespondwith——evenwhentheycontradicted——therationaltheoriesestablishedbymathematicsandmyowneyes，butwereverydifferent。 CHAPTERIV 7。Yet，OLordGodofTruth，isanymanpleasingtotheebecauseheknowsthesethings？No，forsurelythatmanisunhappywhoknowsthesethingsanddoesnotknowthee。Andthatmanishappywhoknowsthee，eventhoughhedoesnotknowthesethings。 Hewhoknowsboththeeandthesethingsisnotthemoreblessedforhislearning，forthouonlyarthisblessing，ifknowingtheeasGodheglorifiestheeandgivesthanksanddoesnotbecomevaininhisthoughts。 Forjustasthatmanwhoknowshowtopossessatree，andgivethankstotheefortheuseofit——althoughhemaynotknowhowmanyfeethighitisorhowwideitspreads——isbetterthanthemanwhocanmeasureitandcountallitsbranches，butneitherownsitnorknowsorlovesitsCreator:justsoisafaithfulmanwhopossessestheworld’swealthasthoughhehadnothing，andpossessesallthingsthroughhisunionthroughthee，whomallthingsserve，eventhoughhedoesnotknowthecirclingsoftheGreatBear。Justsoitisfoolishtodoubtthatthisfaithfulmanmaytrulybebetterthantheonewhocanmeasuretheheavensandnumberthestarsandweightheelements，butwhoisforgetfulofthee”whohastsetinorderallthingsinnumber，weight，andmeasure。”[132] CHAPTERV 8。AndwhoorderedthisManitowriteaboutthesethings，knowledgeofwhichisnotnecessarytopiety？Forthouhastsaidtoman，”Behold，godlinessiswisdom”[133]——andofthishemighthavebeenignorant，howeverperfectlyhemayhaveknowntheseotherthings。Yet，sincehedidnotknoweventheseotherthings，andmostimpudentlydaredtoteachthem，itisclearthathehadnoknowledgeofpiety。For，evenwhenwehaveaknowledgeofthisworldlylore，itisfollytomakea_profession_ofit，whenpietycomesfrom_confession_tothee。Frompiety，therefore，Manihadgoneastray，andallhisshowoflearningonlyenabledthetrulylearnedtoperceive，fromhisignoranceofwhattheyknew，howlittlehewastobetrustedtomakeplainthesemorereallydifficultmatters。Forhedidnotaimtobelightlyesteemed，butwentaroundtryingtopersuadementhattheHolySpirit，theComforterandEnricherofthyfaithfulones，waspersonallyresidentinhimwithfullauthority。And，therefore，whenhewasdetectedinmanifesterrorsaboutthesky，thestars，themovementsofthesunandmoon，eventhoughthesethingsdonotrelatetoreligiousdoctrine，theimpiouspresumptionofthemanbecameclearlyevident；forhenotonlytaughtthingsaboutwhichhewasignorantbutalsopervertedthem，andthiswithpridesofoolishandmadthathesoughttoclaimthathisownutteranceswereasiftheyhadbeenthoseofadivineperson。 9。WhenIhearofaChristianbrother，ignorantofthesethings，orinerrorconcerningthem，Icantoleratehisuninformedopinion；andIdonotseethatanylackofknowledgeastotheformornatureofthismaterialcreationcandohimmuchharm，aslongashedoesnotholdabeliefinanythingwhichisunworthyofthee，OLord，theCreatorofall。Butifhethinksthathissecularknowledgepertainstotheessenceofthedoctrineofpiety，orventurestoassertdogmaticopinionsinmattersinwhichheisignorant——thereliestheinjury。Andyetevenaweaknesssuchasthis，intheinfancyofourfaith，istoleratedbyourMotherCharityuntilthenewmancangrowup”untoaperfectman，” andnotbe”carriedawaywitheverywindofdoctrine。”[134] ButManihadpresumedtobeatoncetheteacher，author，guide，andleaderofallwhomhecouldpersuadetobelievethis，sothatallwhofollowedhimbelievedthattheywerefollowingnotanordinarymanbutthyHolySpirit。Andwhowouldnotjudgethatsuchgreatmadness，whenitoncestoodconvictedoffalseteaching，shouldthenbeabhorredandutterlyrejected？ButIhadnotyetclearlydecidedwhetherthealternationofdayandnight，andoflongerandshorterdaysandnights，andtheeclipsesofsunandmoon，andwhateverelseIreadaboutinotherbookscouldbeexplainedconsistentlywithhistheories。Iftheycouldhavebeensoexplained，therewouldstillhaveremainedadoubtinmymindwhetherthetheorieswererightorwrong。YetIwasprepared，onthestrengthofhisreputedgodliness，torestmyfaithonhisauthority。 CHAPTERVI 10。ForalmostthewholeofthenineyearsthatIlistenedwithunsettledmindtotheManicheanteachingIhadbeenlookingforwardwithunboundedeagernesstothearrivalofthisFaustus。 ForalltheothermembersofthesectthatIhappenedtomeet，whentheywereunabletoanswerthequestionsIraised，alwaysreferredmetohiscoming。Theypromisedthat，indiscussionwithhim，theseandevengreaterdifficulties，ifIhadthem，wouldbequiteeasilyandamplyclearedaway。Whenatlasthedidcome，I foundhimtobeamanofpleasantspeech，whospokeoftheverysamethingstheythemselvesdid，althoughmorefluentlyandinamoreagreeablestyle。Butwhatprofitwastheretomeintheeleganceofmycupbearer，sincehecouldnotoffermethemorepreciousdraughtforwhichIthirsted？Myearshadalreadyhadtheirfillofsuchstuff，andnowitdidnotseemanybetterbecauseitwasbetterexpressednormoretruebecauseitwasdressedupinrhetoric；norcouldIthinktheman’ssoulnecessarilywisebecausehisfacewascomelyandhislanguageeloquent。Buttheywhoextolledhimtomewerenotcompetentjudges。Theythoughthimableandwisebecausehiseloquencedelightedthem。AtthesametimeIrealizedthatthereisanotherkindofmanwhoissuspiciousevenoftruthitself，ifitisexpressedinsmoothandflowinglanguage。Butthou，OmyGod，hadstalreadytaughtmeinwonderfulandmarvelousways，andthereforeIbelieved——becauseitistrue——thatthoudidstteachmeandthatbesidetheethereisnootherteacheroftruth，wherevertruthshinesforth。AlreadyIhadlearnedfromtheethatbecauseathingiseloquentlyexpresseditshouldnotbetakentobeasnecessarilytrue；norbecauseitisutteredwithstammeringlipsshoulditbesupposedfalse。Nor，again，isitnecessarilytruebecauserudelyuttered，noruntruebecausethelanguageisbrilliant。Wisdomandfollybotharelikemeatsthatarewholesomeandunwholesome，andcourtlyorsimplewordsareliketown-madeorrusticvessels——bothkindsoffoodmaybeservedineitherkindofdish。 11。Thateagerness，therefore，withwhichIhadsolongawaitedthisman，wasintruthdelightedwithhisactionandfeelinginadisputation，andwiththefluentandaptwordswithwhichheclothedhisideas。Iwasdelighted，therefore，andI joinedwithothers——andevenexceededthem——inexaltingandpraisinghim。Yetitwasasourceofannoyancetomethat，inhislectureroom，Iwasnotallowedtointroduceandraiseanyofthosequestionsthattroubledme，inafamiliarexchangeofdiscussionwithhim。AssoonasIfoundanopportunityforthis，andgainedhisearatatimewhenitwasnotinconvenientforhimtoenterintoadiscussionwithmeandmyfriends，Ilaidbeforehimsomeofmydoubts。Idiscoveredatoncethatheknewnothingoftheliberalartsexceptgrammar，andthatonlyinanordinaryway。Hehad，however，readsomeofTully’sorations，averyfewbooksofSeneca，andsomeofthepoets，andsuchfewbooksofhisownsectaswerewritteningoodLatin。Withthismeagerlearningandhisdailypracticeinspeaking，hehadacquiredasortofeloquencewhichprovedthemoredelightfulandenticingbecauseitwasunderthedirectionofareadywitandasortofnativegrace。 WasthisnotevenasInowrecallit，OLordmyGod，Judgeofmyconscience？Myheartandmymemoryarelaidopenbeforethee，whowasteventhenguidingmebythesecretimpulseofthyprovidenceandwastsettingmyshamefulerrorsbeforemyfacesothatImightseeandhatethem。 CHAPTERVII 12。ForassoonasitbecameplaintomethatFaustuswasignorantinthoseartsinwhichIhadbelievedhimeminent，I begantodespairofhisbeingabletoclarifyandexplainalltheseperplexitiesthattroubledme——thoughIrealizedthatsuchignoranceneednothaveaffectedtheauthenticityofhispiety，ifhehadnotbeenaManichean。Fortheirbooksarefulloflongfablesabouttheskyandthestars，thesunandthemoon；andI hadceasedtobelievehimabletoshowmeinanysatisfactoryfashionwhatIsoardentlydesired:whethertheexplanationscontainedintheManicheanbookswerebetteroratleastasgoodasthemathematicalexplanationsIhadreadelsewhere。ButwhenI proposedthatthesesubjectsshouldbeconsideredanddiscussed，hequitemodestlydidnotdaretoundertakethetask，forhewasawarethathehadnoknowledgeofthesethingsandwasnotashamedtoconfessit。Forhewasnotoneofthosetalkativepeople—— fromwhomIhadenduredsomuch——whoundertooktoteachmewhatIwantedtoknow，andthensaidnothing。Faustushadaheartwhich，ifnotrighttowardthee，wasatleastnotaltogetherfalsetowardhimself；forhewasnotignorantofhisownignorance，andhedidnotchoosetobeentangledinacontroversyfromwhichhecouldnotdrawbackorretiregracefully。ForthisIlikedhimallthemore。ForthemodestyofaningeniousmindisafinerthingthantheacquisitionofthatknowledgeIdesired；andthisI foundtobehisattitudetowardallabstruseanddifficultquestions。 13。ThusthezealwithwhichIhadplungedintotheManicheansystemwaschecked，andIdespairedevenmoreoftheirotherteachers，becauseFaustuswhowassofamousamongthemhadturnedoutsopoorlyinthevariousmattersthatpuzzledme。AndsoIbegantooccupymyselfwithhiminthestudyofhisownfavoritepursuit，thatofliterature，inwhichIwasalreadyteachingaclassasaprofessorofrhetoricamongtheyoungCarthaginianstudents。WithFaustusthenIreadwhateverhehimselfwishedtoread，orwhatIjudgedsuitabletohisbentofmind。ButallmyendeavorstomakefurtherprogressinManicheismcamecompletelytoanendthroughmyacquaintancewiththatman。 Ididnotwhollyseparatemyselffromthem，butasonewhohadnotyetfoundanythingbetterIdecidedtocontentmyself，forthetimebeing，withwhatIhadstumbledupononewayoranother，untilbychancesomethingmoredesirableshouldpresentitself。 ThusthatFaustuswhohadentrappedsomanytotheirdeath—— thoughneitherwillingnorwittingit——nowbegantoloosenthesnareinwhichIhadbeencaught。Forthyhands，OmyGod，inthehiddendesignofthyprovidencedidnotdesertmysoul；andoutofthebloodofmymother’sheart，throughthetearsthatshepouredoutbydayandbynight，therewasasacrificeofferedtotheeforme，andbymarvelouswaysthoudidstdealwithme。Foritwasthou，OmyGod，whodidstit:for”thestepsofamanareorderedbytheLord，andheshallchoosehisway。”[135]Howshallweattainsalvationwithoutthyhandremakingwhatithadalreadymade？ CHAPTERVIII 14。Thoudidstsodealwithme，therefore，thatIwaspersuadedtogotoRomeandteachtherewhatIhadbeenteachingatCarthage。AndhowIwaspersuadedtodothisIwillnotomittoconfesstothee，forinthisalsotheprofoundestworkingsofthywisdomandthyconstantmercytowardusmustbeponderedandacknowledged。IdidnotwishtogotoRomebecauseofthericherfeesandthehigherdignitywhichmyfriendspromisedmethere—— thoughtheseconsiderationsdidaffectmydecision。MyprincipalandalmostsolemotivewasthatIhadbeeninformedthatthestudentstherestudiedmorequietlyandwerebetterkeptunderthecontrolofsterndiscipline，sothattheydidnotcapriciouslyandimpudentlyrushintotheclassroomofateachernottheirown—— indeed，theywerenotadmittedatallwithoutthepermissionoftheteacher。AtCarthage，onthecontrary，therewasashamefulandintemperatelicenseamongthestudents。Theyburstinrudelyand，withfuriousgestures，woulddisruptthedisciplinewhichtheteacherhadestablishedforthegoodofhispupils。Manyoutragestheyperpetratedwithastoundingeffrontery，thingsthatwouldbepunishablebylawiftheywerenotsustainedbycustom。Thuscustommakesplainthatsuchbehaviorisallthemoreworthlessbecauseitallowsmentodowhatthyeternallawneverwillallow。 Theythinkthattheyactthuswithimpunity，thoughtheveryblindnesswithwhichtheyactistheirpunishment，andtheysufferfargreaterharmthantheyinflict。 ThemannersthatIwouldnotadoptasastudentIwascompelledasateachertoendureinothers。AndsoIwasgladtogowhereallwhoknewthesituationassuredmethatsuchconductwasnotallowed。Butthou，”Omyrefugeandmyportioninthelandoftheliving，”[136]didstgoadmethusatCarthagesothatI mighttherebybepulledawayfromitandchangemyworldlyhabitationforthepreservationofmysoul。Atthesametime，thoudidstoffermeatRomeanenticement，throughtheagencyofmenenchantedwiththisdeath-in-life——bytheirinsaneconductintheoneplaceandtheiremptypromisesintheother。Tocorrectmywanderingfootsteps，thoudidstsecretlyemploytheirperversityandmyown。Forthosewhodisturbedmytranquillitywereblindedbyshamefulmadnessandalsothosewhoalluredmeelsewherehadnothingbetterthantheearth’scunning。AndIwhohatedactualmiseryintheoneplacesoughtfictitioushappinessintheother。 15。Thouknewestthecauseofmygoingfromonecountrytotheother，OGod，butthoudidstnotdiscloseiteithertomeortomymother，whogrieveddeeplyovermydepartureandfollowedmedowntothesea。Sheclaspedmetightinherembrace，willingeithertokeepmebackortogowithme，butIdeceivedher，pretendingthatIhadafriendwhomIcouldnotleaveuntilhehadafavorablewindtosetsail。ThusIliedtomymother——andsuchamother！——andescaped。Forthistoothoudidstmercifullypardonme——foolthatIwas——anddidstpreservemefromthewatersoftheseaforthewaterofthygrace；sothat，whenIwaspurifiedbythat，thefountainofmymother’seyes，fromwhichshehaddailywateredthegroundformeassheprayedtothee，shouldbedried。And，sincesherefusedtoreturnwithoutme，I persuadedher，withsomedifficulty，toremainthatnightinaplacequiteclosetoourship，wheretherewasashrineinmemoryoftheblessedCyprian。ThatnightIslippedawaysecretly，andsheremainedtoprayandweep。Andwhatwasit，OLord，thatshewasaskingoftheeinsuchafloodoftearsbutthatthouwouldstnotallowmetosail？Butthou，takingthyownsecretcounselandnotingtherealpointtoherdesire，didstnotgrantwhatshewasthenaskinginordertogranttoherthethingthatshehadalwaysbeenasking。 Thewindblewandfilledoursails，andtheshoredroppedoutofsight。Wildwithgrief，shewastherethenextmorningandfilledthyearswithcomplaintsandgroanswhichthoudidstdisregard，although，attheverysametime，thouwastusingmylongingsasameansandwasthasteningmeontothefulfillmentofalllonging。Thustheearthlypartofherlovetomewasjustlypurgedbythescourgeofsorrow。Still，likeallmothers—— thoughevenmorethanothers——shelovedtohavemewithher，anddidnotknowwhatjoythouwastpreparingforherthroughmygoingaway。Notknowingthissecretend，sheweptandmournedandsawinheragonytheinheritanceofEve——seekinginsorrowwhatshehadbroughtforthinsorrow。Andyet，afteraccusingmeofperfidyandcruelty，shestillcontinuedherintercessionsformetothee。Shereturnedtoherownhome，andIwentontoRome。 CHAPTERIX 16。Andlo，IwasreceivedinRomebythescourgeofbodilysickness；andIwasveryneartofallingintohell，burdenedwithallthemanyandgrievoussinsIhadcommittedagainstthee，myself，andothers——alloverandabovethatfetteroforiginalsinwherebywealldieinAdam。ForthouhadstforgivenmenoneofthesethingsinChrist，neitherhadheabolishedbyhiscrosstheenmity[137]thatIhadincurredfromtheethroughmysins。 Forhowcouldhedosobythecrucifixionofaphantom，whichwasallIsupposedhimtobe？Thedeathofmysoulwasasrealthenasthedeathofhisfleshappearedtomeunreal。Andthelifeofmysoulwasasfalse，becauseitwasasunrealasthedeathofhisfleshwasreal，thoughIbelieveditnot。 Myfeverincreased，andIwasonthevergeofpassingawayandperishing；for，ifIhadpassedawaythen，whereshouldIhavegonebutintothefierytormentwhichmymisdeedsdeserved，measuredbythetruthofthyrule？Mymotherknewnothingofthis；yet，faraway，shewentonprayingforme。Andthou，presenteverywhere，didsthearherwhereshewasandhadpityonmewhereIwas，sothatIregainedmybodilyhealth，althoughI wasstilldisorderedinmysacrilegiousheart。Forthatperilofdeathdidnotmakemewishtobebaptized。Iwasevenbetterwhen，asalad，Ientreatedbaptismofmymother’sdevotion，asI havealreadyrelatedandconfessed。[138]ButnowIhadsinceincreasedindishonor，andImadlyscoffedatallthepurposesofthymedicinewhichwouldnothaveallowedme，thoughasinnersuchasIwas，todieadoubledeath。Hadmymother’sheartbeenpiercedwiththiswound，itnevercouldhavebeencured，forI cannotadequatelytelloftheloveshehadforme，orhowshestilltravailedformeinthespiritwithafarkeeneranguishthanwhensheboremeintheflesh。 17。Icannotconceive，therefore，howshecouldhavebeenhealedifmydeath(stillinmysins)hadpiercedherinmostlove。 Where，then，wouldhavebeenallherearnest，frequent，andceaselessprayerstothee？Nowherebutwiththee。Butcouldstthou，OmostmercifulGod，despisethe”contriteandhumbleheart”[139]ofthatpureandprudentwidow，whowassoconstantinheralms，sograciousandattentivetothysaints，nevermissingavisittochurchtwiceaday，morningandevening——andthisnotforvaingossiping，noroldwives’fables，butinorderthatshemightlistentotheeinthysermons，andthoutoherinherprayers？Couldstthou，bywhosegiftsshewassoinspired，despiseanddisregardthetearsofsuchaonewithoutcomingtoheraid——thosetearsbywhichsheentreatedthee，notforgoldorsilver，andnotforanychangingorfleetinggood，butforthesalvationofthesoulofherson？Bynomeans，OLord。Itiscertainthatthouwastnearandwasthearingandwastcarryingouttheplanbywhichthouhadstpredetermineditshouldbedone。Farbeitfromtheethatthoushouldsthavedeludedherinthosevisionsandtheanswersshehadreceivedfromthee——someofwhichIhavementioned，andothersnot——whichshekeptinherfaithfulheart，and，foreverbeseeching，urgedthemontheeasiftheyhadthyownsignature。Forthou，”becausethymercyendurethforever，”[140]hastsocondescendedtothosewhosedebtsthouhastpardonedthatthoulikewisedostbecomeadebtorbythypromises。 CHAPTERX 18。Thoudidstrestoremethenfromthatillness，anddidsthealthesonofthyhandmaidinhisbody，thathemightlivefortheeandthatthoumightestendowhimwithabetterandmorecertainhealth。Afterthis，atRome，Iagainjoinedthosedeludinganddeluded”saints”；andnottheir”hearers”only，suchasthemanwasinwhosehouseIhadfallensick，butalsowiththosewhomtheycalled”theelect。”Foritstillseemedtome”thatitisnotwewhosin，butsomeothernaturesinnedinus。” Anditgratifiedmypridetobebeyondblame，andwhen_I_didanythingwrongnottohavetoconfessthat_I_haddonewrong——”thatthoumightesthealmysoulbecauseithadsinnedagainstthee”[141]——andIlovedtoexcusemysoulandtoaccusesomethingelseinsideme(Iknewnotwhat)butwhichwasnotI。 But，assuredly，itwasI，anditwasmyimpietythathaddividedmeagainstmyself。ThatsinthenwasallthemoreincurablebecauseIdidnotdeemmyselfasinner。Itwasanexecrableiniquity，OGodOmnipotent，thatIwouldhavepreferredtohavetheedefeatedinme，tomydestruction，thantobedefeatedbytheetomysalvation。Notyet，therefore，hadstthousetawatchuponmymouthandadooraroundmylipsthatmyheartmightnotinclinetoevilspeech，tomakeexcuseforsinwithmenthatworkiniquity。[142]And，therefore，Icontinuedstillinthecompanyoftheir”elect。” 19。Butnow，hopelessofgaininganyprofitfromthatfalsedoctrine，IbegantoholdmorelooselyandnegligentlyeventothosepointswhichIhaddecidedtorestcontentwith，ifIcouldfindnothingbetter。Iwasnowhalfinclinedtobelievethatthosephilosopherswhomtheycall”TheAcademics”[143]werewiserthantherestinholdingthatweoughttodoubteverything，andinmaintainingthatmandoesnothavethepowerofcomprehendinganycertaintruth，for，althoughIhadnotyetunderstoodtheirmeaning，Iwasfullypersuadedthattheythoughtjustastheyarecommonlyreputedtodo。AndIdidnotfailopenlytodissuademyhostfromhisconfidencewhichIobservedthathehadinthosefictionsofwhichtheworksofManiarefull。Forallthis，Iwasstillontermsofmoreintimatefriendshipwiththesepeoplethanwithotherswhowerenotoftheirheresy。Ididnotindeeddefenditwithmyformerardor；butmyfamiliaritywiththatgroup——andthereweremanyofthemconcealedinRomeatthattime[144]—— mademeslowertoseekanyotherway。ThiswasparticularlyeasysinceIhadnohopeoffindinginthyChurchthetruthfromwhichtheyhadturnedmeaside，OLordofheavenandearth，Creatorofallthingsvisibleandinvisible。Anditstillseemedtomemostunseemlytobelievethatthoucouldsthavetheformofhumanfleshandbeboundedbythebodilyshapeofourlimbs。AndwhenI desiredtomeditateonmyGod，Ididnotknowwhattothinkofbutahugeextendedbody——forwhatdidnothavebodilyextensiondidnotseemtometoexist——andthiswasthegreatestandalmostthesolecauseofmyunavoidableerrors。 20。AndthusIalsobelievedthatevilwasasimilarkindofsubstance，andthatithaditsownhideousanddeformedextendedbody——eitherinadenseformwhichtheycalledtheearthorinathinandsubtleformas，forexample，thesubstanceoftheair，whichtheyimaginedassomemalignantspiritpenetratingthatearth。Andbecausemypiety——suchasitwas——stillcompelledmetobelievethatthegoodGodnevercreatedanyevilsubstance，Iformedtheideaoftwomasses，oneopposedtotheother，bothinfinitebutwiththeevilmorecontractedandthegoodmoreexpansive。Andfromthisdiseasedbeginning，theothersacrilegesfollowedafter。 ForwhenmymindtriedtoturnbacktotheCatholicfaith，I wascastdown，sincetheCatholicfaithwasnotwhatIjudgedittobe。Anditseemedtomeagreaterpietytoregardthee，myGod——towhomImakeconfessionofthymercies——asinfiniteinallrespectssavethatone:wheretheextendedmassofevilstoodopposedtothee，whereIwascompelledtoconfessthatthouartfinite——thanifIshouldthinkthatthoucouldstbeconfinedbytheformofahumanbodyoneveryside。Anditseemedbettertometobelievethatnoevilhadbeencreatedbythee——forinmyignoranceevilappearednotonlytobesomekindofsubstancebutacorporealoneatthat。ThiswasbecauseIhad，thusfar，noconceptionofmind，exceptasasubtlebodydiffusedthroughoutlocalspaces。ThisseemedbetterthantobelievethatanythingcouldemanatefromtheewhichhadthecharacterthatIconsideredeviltobeinitsnature。AndIbelievedthatourSaviourhimselfalso——thyOnlyBegotten——hadbeenbroughtforth，asitwere，foroursalvationoutofthemassofthybrightshiningsubstance。 SothatIcouldbelievenothingabouthimexceptwhatIwasabletoharmonizewiththesevainimaginations。Ithought，therefore，thatsuchanaturecouldnotbebornoftheVirginMarywithoutbeingmingledwiththeflesh，andIcouldnotseehowthedivinesubstance，asIhadconceivedit，couldbemingledthuswithoutbeingcontaminated。Iwasafraid，therefore，tobelievethathehadbeenbornintheflesh，lestIshouldalsobecompelledtobelievethathehadbeencontaminatedbytheflesh。Nowwillthyspiritualonessmileblandlyandlovinglyatmeiftheyreadtheseconfessions。YetsuchwasI。 CHAPTERXI 21。Furthermore，thethingstheycensuredinthyScripturesIthoughtimpossibletobedefended。Andyet，occasionally，I desiredtoconferonvariousmatterswithsomeonewelllearnedinthosebooks，totestwhathethoughtofthem。ForalreadythewordsofoneElpidius，whospokeanddisputedfacetofaceagainstthesesameManicheans，hadbeguntoimpressme，evenwhenIwasatCarthage；becausehebroughtforththingsoutoftheScripturesthatwerenoteasilywithstood，towhichtheiranswersappearedtomefeeble。Oneoftheiranswerstheydidnotgiveforthpublicly，butonlytousinprivate——whentheysaidthatthewritingsoftheNewTestamenthadbeentamperedwithbyunknownpersonswhodesiredtoingrafttheJewishlawintotheChristianfaith。Buttheythemselvesneverbroughtforwardanyuncorruptedcopies。 Stillthinkingincorporealcategoriesandverymuchensnaredandtosomeextentstifled，Iwasbornedownbythoseconceptionsofbodilysubstance。Ipantedunderthisloadfortheairofthytruth，butIwasnotabletobreatheitpureandundefiled。 CHAPTERXII 22。IsetaboutdiligentlytopracticewhatIcametoRometodo——theteachingofrhetoric。ThefirsttaskwastobringtogetherinmyhomeafewpeopletowhomandthroughwhomIhadbeguntobeknown。Andlo，IthenbegantolearnthatotheroffenseswerecommittedinRomewhichIhadnothadtobearinAfrica。JustasIhadbeentold，thoseriotousdisruptionsbyyoungblackguardswerenotpracticedhere。Yet，now，myfriendstoldme，manyoftheRomanstudents——breakersoffaith，who，fortheloveofmoney，setasmallvalueonjustice——wouldconspiretogetherandsuddenlytransfertoanotherteacher，toevadepayingtheirmaster’sfees。Myhearthatedsuchpeople，thoughnotwitha”perfecthatred”[145]；fordoubtlessIhatedthemmorebecauseI wastosufferfromthemthanonaccountoftheirownillicitacts。 Still，suchpeoplearebaseindeed；theyfornicateagainstthee，fortheylovethetransitorymockeriesoftemporalthingsandthefilthygainwhichbegrimesthehandthatgrabsit；theyembracethefleetingworldandscornthee，whoabidestandinvitestustoreturntotheeandwhopardonesttheprostitutedhumansoulwhenitdoesreturntothee。NowIhatesuchcrookedandperversemen，althoughIlovethemiftheywillbecorrectedandcometopreferthelearningtheyobtaintomoneyand，aboveall，toprefertheetosuchlearning，OGod，thetruthandfullnessofourpositivegood，andourmostpurepeace。Butthenthewishwasstrongerinmeformyownsakenottosufferevilfromthemthanwasmydesirethattheyshouldbecomegoodforthysake。 CHAPTERXIII 23。When，therefore，theofficialsofMilansenttoRome，totheprefectofthecity，toaskthatheprovidethemwithateacherofrhetoricfortheircityandtosendhimatthepublicexpense，Iappliedforthejobthroughthosesamepersons，drunkwiththeManicheanvanities，tobefreedfromwhomIwasgoingaway——thoughneithertheynorIwereawareofitatthetime。 TheyrecommendedthatSymmachus，whowasthenprefect，afterhehadprovedmebyaudition，shouldappointme。 AndtoMilanIcame，toAmbrosethebishop，famedthroughthewholeworldasoneofthebestofmen，thydevotedservant。Hiseloquentdiscourseinthosetimesabundantlyprovidedthypeoplewiththeflourofthywheat，thegladnessofthyoil，andthesoberintoxicationofthywine。[146]TohimIwasledbytheewithoutmyknowledge，thatbyhimImightbeledtotheeinfullknowledge。ThatmanofGodreceivedmeasafatherwould，andwelcomedmycomingasagoodbishopshould。AndIbegantolovehim，ofcourse，notatthefirstasateacherofthetruth，forI hadentirelydespairedoffindingthatinthyChurch——butasafriendlyman。AndIstudiouslylistenedtohim——thoughnotwiththerightmotive——ashepreachedtothepeople。Iwastryingtodiscoverwhetherhiseloquencecameuptohisreputation，andwhetheritflowedfullerorthinnerthanotherssaiditdid。AndthusIhungonhiswordsintently，but，astohissubjectmatter，Iwasonlyacarelessandcontemptuouslistener。Iwasdelightedwiththecharmofhisspeech，whichwasmoreerudite，thoughlesscheerfulandsoothing，thanFaustus’style。Asforsubjectmatter，however，therecouldbenocomparison，forthelatterwaswanderingaroundinManicheandeceptions，whiletheformerwasteachingsalvationmostsoundly。But”salvationisfarfromthewicked，”[147]suchasIwasthenwhenIstoodbeforehim。YetI wasdrawingnearer，graduallyandunconsciously。 CHAPTERXIV 24。For，althoughItooknotroubletolearnwhathesaid，butonlytohearhowhesaidit——forthisemptyconcernremainedforemostwithmeaslongasIdespairedoffindingaclearpathfrommantothee——yet，alongwiththeeloquenceIprized，therealsocameintomymindtheideaswhichIignored；forIcouldnotseparatethem。And，whileIopenedmyhearttoacknowledgehowskillfullyhespoke，therealsocameanawarenessofhow_truly_ hespoke——butonlygradually。Firstofall，hisideashadalreadybeguntoappeartomedefensible；andtheCatholicfaith，forwhichIsupposedthatnothingcouldbesaidagainsttheonslaughtoftheManicheans，Inowrealizedcouldbemaintainedwithoutpresumption。ThiswasespeciallyclearafterIhadheardoneortwopartsoftheOldTestamentexplainedallegorically—— whereasbeforethis，whenIhadinterpretedthemliterally，theyhad”killed”mespiritually。[148]However，whenmanyofthesepassagesinthosebookswereexpoundedtomethus，IcametoblamemyowndespairforhavingbelievedthatnoreplycouldbegiventothosewhohatedandscoffedattheLawandtheProphets。YetI didnotseethatthiswasreasonenoughtofollowtheCatholicway，justbecauseithadlearnedadvocateswhocouldanswerobjectionsadequatelyandwithoutabsurdity。NorcouldIseethatwhatIhadheldtoheretoforeshouldnowbecondemned，becausebothsideswereequallydefensible。Forthatwaydidnotappeartomeyetvanquished；butneitherdiditseemyetvictorious。 25。ButnowIearnestlybentmymindtorequireiftherewaspossibleanywaytoprovetheManicheansguiltyoffalsehood。IfIcouldhaveconceivedofaspiritualsubstance，alltheirstrongholdswouldhavecollapsedandbeencastoutofmymind。 ButIcouldnot。Still，concerningthebodyofthisworld，natureasawhole——nowthatIwasabletoconsiderandcomparesuchthingsmoreandmore——Inowdecidedthatthemajorityofthephilosophersheldthemoreprobableviews。So，inwhatIthoughtwasthemethodoftheAcademics——doubtingeverythingandfluctuatingbetweenalltheoptions——IcametotheconclusionthattheManicheansweretobeabandoned。ForIjudged，eveninthatperiodofdoubt，thatIcouldnotremaininasecttowhichI preferredsomeofthephilosophers。ButIrefusedtocommitthecureofmyfaintingsoultothephilosophers，becausetheywerewithoutthesavingnameofChrist。Iresolved，therefore，tobecomeacatechumenintheCatholicChurch——whichmyparentshadsomuchurgeduponme——untilsomethingcertainshoneforthbywhichImightguidemycourse。 BOOKSIX Turmoilinthetwenties。MonicafollowsAugustinetoMilanandfindshimacatechumenintheCatholicChurch。BothadmireAmbrosebutAugustinegetsnohelpfromhimonhispersonalproblems。AmbitionspursandAlypiusandNebridiusjoinhiminaconfusedquestforthehappylife。Augustinebecomesengaged，dismisseshisfirstmistress，takesanother，andcontinueshisfruitlesssearchfortruth。 CHAPTERI 1。OHopefrommyyouth，[149]wherewastthoutomeandwherehadstthougoneaway？[150]Forhadstthounotcreatedmeanddifferentiatedmefromthebeastsofthefieldandthebirdsoftheair，makingmewiserthanthey？AndyetIwaswanderingaboutinadarkandslipperyway，seekingtheeoutsidemyselfandthusnotfindingtheGodofmyheart。Ihadgonedownintothedepthsoftheseaandhadlostfaith，andhaddespairedofeverfindingthetruth。 Bythistimemymotherhadcometome，havingmusteredthecourageofpiety，followingoverseaandland，secureintheethroughalltheperilsofthejourney。Forinthedangersofthevoyageshecomfortedthesailors——towhomtheinexperiencedvoyagers，whenalarmed，wereaccustomedtogoforcomfort——andassuredthemofasafearrivalbecauseshehadbeensoassuredbytheeinavision。 Shefoundmeindeadlyperilthroughmydespairofeverfindingthetruth。ButwhenItoldherthatIwasnownolongeraManichean，thoughnotyetaCatholicChristian，shedidnotleapforjoyasifthiswereunexpected；forshehadalreadybeenreassuredaboutthatpartofmymiseryforwhichshehadmournedmeasonedead，butalsoasonewhowouldberaisedtothee。Shehadcarriedmeoutonthebierofherthoughts，thatthoumightestsaytothewidow’sson，”Youngman，Isayuntoyou，arise！”[151] andthenhewouldreviveandbegintospeak，andthouwouldstdeliverhimtohismother。Therefore，herheartwasnotagitatedwithanyviolentexultationwhensheheardthatsogreatapartofwhatshedailyentreatedtheetodohadactuallyalreadybeendone——that，thoughIhadnotyetgraspedthetruth，Iwasrescuedfromfalsehood。Instead，shewasfullyconfidentthatthouwhohadstpromisedthewholewouldgivehertherest，andthusmostcalmly，andwithafullyconfidentheart，sherepliedtomethatshebelieved，inChrist，thatbeforeshediedshewouldseemeafaithfulCatholic。Andshesaidnomorethanthistome。Buttothee，OFountainofmercy，shepouredoutstillmorefrequentprayersandtearsthatthouwouldsthastenthyaidandenlightenmydarkness，andshehurriedallthemorezealouslytothechurchandhunguponthewordsofAmbrose，prayingforthefountainofwaterthatspringsupintoeverlastinglife。[152]ForshelovedthatmanasanangelofGod，sincesheknewthatitwasbyhimthatIhadbeenbroughtthusfartothatwaveringstateofagitationIwasnowin，throughwhichshewasfullypersuadedI shouldpassfromsicknesstohealth，eventhoughitwouldbeafterastillsharperconvulsionwhichphysicianscall”thecrisis。” CHAPTERII 2。Soalsomymotherbroughttocertainoratories，erectedinthememoryofthesaints，offeringsofporridge，bread，andwine——ashadbeenhercustominAfrica——andshewasforbiddentodosobythedoorkeeper[ostiarius]。Andassoonasshelearnedthatitwasthebishopwhohadforbiddenit，sheacquiescedsodevoutlyandobedientlythatImyselfmarveledhowreadilyshecouldbringherselftoturncriticofherowncustoms，ratherthanquestionhisprohibition。Forwinebibbinghadnottakenpossessionofherspirit，nordidtheloveofwinestimulatehertohatethetruth，asitdoestoomany，bothmaleandfemale，whoturnassickatahymntosobrietyasdrunkardsdoatadraughtofwater。Whenshehadbroughtherbasketwiththefestivegifts，whichshewouldtastefirstherselfandgivetherestaway，shewouldneverallowherselfmorethanonelittlecupofwine，dilutedaccordingtoherowntemperatepalate，whichshewouldtasteoutofcourtesy。And，ifthereweremanyoratoriesofdepartedsaintsthatoughttobehonoredinthesameway，shestillcarriedaroundwithherthesamelittlecup，tobeusedeverywhere。Thisbecamenotonlyverymuchwateredbutalsoquitetepidwithcarryingitabout。Shewoulddistributeitbysmallsipstothosearound，forshesoughttostimulatetheirdevotion，notpleasure。 Butassoonasshefoundthatthiscustomwasforbiddenbythatfamouspreacherandmostpiousprelate，eventothosewhowoulduseitinmoderation，lesttherebyitmightbeanoccasionofgluttonyforthosewhowerealreadydrunken(andalsobecausethesefunerealmemorialswereverymuchlikesomeofthesuperstitiouspracticesofthepagans)，shemostwillinglyabstainedfromit。And，inplaceofabasketfilledwithfruitsoftheearth，shehadlearnedtobringtotheoratoriesofthemartyrsaheartfullofpurerpetitions，andtogiveallthatshecouldtothepoor——sothattheCommunionoftheLord’sbodymightberightlycelebratedinthoseplaceswhere，aftertheexampleofhisPassion，themartyrshadbeensacrificedandcrowned。Butyetitseemstome，OLordmyGod——andmyheartthinksofitthiswayinthysight——thatmymotherwouldprobablynothavegivenwaysoeasilytotherejectionofthiscustomifithadbeenforbiddenbyanother，whomshedidnotloveasshedidAmbrose。For，outofherconcernformysalvation，shelovedhimmostdearly；andhelovedhertruly，onaccountofherfaithfulreligiouslife，inwhichshefrequentedthechurchwithgoodworks，”ferventinspirit。”[153]Thushewould，whenhesawme，oftenburstforthintopraiseofher，congratulatingmethatI hadsuchamother——littleknowingwhatasonshehadinme，whowasstillaskepticinallthesemattersandwhocouldnotconceivethatthewayoflifecouldbefoundout。 CHAPTERIII 3。NorhadIcomeyettogroaninmyprayersthatthouwouldsthelpme。Mymindwaswhollyintentonknowledgeandeagerfordisputation。AmbrosehimselfIesteemedahappyman，astheworldcountedhappiness，becausegreatpersonagesheldhiminhonor。Onlyhiscelibacyappearedtomeapainfulburden。Butwhathopehecherished，whatstruggleshehadagainstthetemptationsthatbesethishighstation，whatsolaceinadversity，andwhatsavoryjoysthybreadpossessedforthehiddenmouthofhisheartwhenfeedingonit，Icouldneitherconjecturenorexperience。 Nordidheknowmyownfrustrations，northepitofmydanger。ForIcouldnotrequestofhimwhatIwantedasIwantedit，becauseIwasdebarredfromhearingandspeakingtohimbycrowdsofbusypeopletowhoseinfirmitieshedevotedhimself。 Andwhenhewasnotengagedwiththem——whichwasneverforlongatatime——hewaseitherrefreshinghisbodywithnecessaryfoodorhismindwithreading。 Now，asheread，hiseyesglancedoverthepagesandhisheartsearchedoutthesense，buthisvoiceandtongueweresilent。Oftenwhenwecametohisroom——fornoonewasforbiddentoenter，norwasithiscustomthatthearrivalofvisitorsshouldbeannouncedtohim——wewouldseehimthusreadingtohimself。Afterwehadsatforalongtimeinsilence——forwhowoulddareinterruptonesointent？——wewouldthendepart，realizingthathewasunwillingtobedistractedinthelittletimehecouldgainfortherecruitingofhismind，freefromtheclamorofothermen’sbusiness。Perhapshewasfearfullest，iftheauthorhewasstudyingshouldexpresshimselfvaguely，somedoubtfulandattentivehearerwouldaskhimtoexpounditordiscusssomeofthemoreabstrusequestions，sothathecouldnotgetoverasmuchmaterialashewished，ifhistimewasoccupiedwithothers。Andevenatruerreasonforhisreadingtohimselfmighthavebeenthecareforpreservinghisvoice，whichwasveryeasilyweakened。Whateverhismotivewasinsodoing，itwasdoubtless，insuchaman，agoodone。 4。ButactuallyIcouldfindnoopportunityofputtingthequestionsIdesiredtothatholyoracleofthineinhisheart，unlessitwasamatterwhichcouldbedealtwithbriefly。 However，thosesurgingsinmerequiredthatheshouldgivemehisfullleisuresothatImightpourthemouttohim；butIneverfoundhimso。Iheardhim，indeed，everyLord’sDay，”rightlydividingthewordoftruth”[154]amongthepeople。AndIbecameallthemoreconvincedthatallthoseknotsofcraftycalumnieswhichthosedeceiversofourshadknittogetheragainstthedivinebookscouldbeunraveled。 IsoonunderstoodthatthestatementthatmanwasmadeaftertheimageofHimthatcreatedhim[155]wasnotunderstoodbythyspiritualsons——whomthouhadstregeneratedthroughtheCatholicMother[156]throughgrace——asiftheybelievedandimaginedthatthouwertboundedbyahumanform，althoughwhatwasthenatureofaspiritualsubstanceIhadnotthefaintestorvaguestnotion。 Stillrejoicing，IblushedthatforsomanyyearsIhadbayed，notagainsttheCatholicfaith，butagainstthefablesoffleshlyimagination。ForIhadbeenbothimpiousandrashinthis，thatI hadcondemnedbypronouncementwhatIoughttohavelearnedbyinquiry。Forthou，OMostHigh，andmostnear，mostsecret，yetmostpresent，whodostnothavelimbs，someofwhicharelargerandsomesmaller，butwhoartwhollyeverywhereandnowhereinspace，andartnotshapedbysomecorporealform:thoudidstcreatemanafterthyownimageand，see，hedwellsinspace，bothheadandfeet。 CHAPTERIV 5。SinceIcouldnotthenunderstandhowthisimageofthinecouldsubsist，Ishouldhaveknockedonthedoorandpropoundedthedoubtastohowitwastobebelieved，andnothaveinsultinglyopposeditasifitwereactuallybelieved。 Therefore，myanxietyastowhatIcouldretainascertaingnawedallthemoresharplyintomysoul，andIfeltquiteashamedbecauseduringthelongtimeIhadbeendeludedanddeceivedbythe[Manichean]promisesofcertainties，Ihad，withchildishpetulance，pratedofsomanyuncertaintiesasiftheywerecertain。Thattheywerefalsehoodsbecameapparenttomeonlyafterward。However，IwascertainthattheywereuncertainandsinceIhadheldthemascertainlyuncertainIhadaccusedthyCatholicChurchwithablindcontentiousness。Ihadnotyetdiscoveredthatittaughtthetruth，butInowknewthatitdidnotteachwhatIhadsovehementlyaccuseditof。Inthisrespect，atleast，Iwasconfoundedandconverted；andIrejoiced，OmyGod，thattheoneChurch，thebodyofthyonlySon——inwhichthenameofChristhadbeensealeduponmeasaninfant—— didnotrelishthesechildishtriflesanddidnotmaintaininitssounddoctrineanytenetthatwouldinvolvepressingthee，theCreatorofall，intospace，which，howeverextendedandimmense，wouldstillbeboundedonallsides——liketheshapeofahumanbody。 6。IwasalsogladthattheoldScripturesoftheLawandtheProphetswerelaidbeforemetoberead，notnowwithaneyetowhathadseemedabsurdinthemwhenformerlyIcensuredthyholyonesforthinkingthus，whentheyactuallydidnotthinkinthatway。AndIlistenedwithdelighttoAmbrose，inhissermonstothepeople，oftenrecommendingthistextmostdiligentlyasarule:”Theletterkills，butthespiritgiveslife，”[157]whileatthesametimehedrewasidethemysticveilandopenedtoviewthespiritualmeaningofwhatseemedtoteachperversedoctrineifitweretakenaccordingtotheletter。Ifoundnothinginhisteachingsthatoffendedme，thoughIcouldnotyetknowforcertainwhetherwhathetaughtwastrue。ForallthistimeI restrainedmyheartfromassentingtoanything，fearingtofallheadlongintoerror。Instead，bythishanginginsuspense，Iwasbeingstrangled。[158]FormydesirewastobeascertainofinvisiblethingsasIwasthatsevenandthreeareten。Iwasnotsoderangedastobelievethat_this_couldnotbecomprehended，butmydesirewastohaveotherthingsasclearasthis，whethertheywerephysicalobjects，whichwerenotpresenttomysenses，orspiritualobjects，whichIdidnotknowhowtoconceiveofexceptinphysicalterms。 IfIcouldhavebelieved，Imighthavebeencured，and，withthesightofmysoulclearedup，itmightinsomewayhavebeendirectedtowardthytruth，whichalwaysabidesandfailsinnothing。But，justasithappensthatamanwhohastriedabadphysicianfearstotrusthimselfwithagoodone，soitwaswiththehealthofmysoul，whichcouldnotbehealedexceptbybelieving。Butlestitshouldbelievefalsehoods，itrefusedtobecured，resistingthyhand，whohastpreparedforusthemedicinesoffaithandappliedthemtothemaladiesofthewholeworld，andendowedthemwithsuchgreatefficacy。 CHAPTERV 7。Still，fromthistimeforward，IbegantoprefertheCatholicdoctrine。Ifeltthatitwaswithmoderationandhonestythatitcommandedthingstobebelievedthatwerenotdemonstrated——whethertheycouldbedemonstrated，butnottoeveryone，orwhethertheycouldnotbedemonstratedatall。ThiswasfarbetterthanthemethodoftheManicheans，inwhichourcredulitywasmockedbyanaudaciouspromiseofknowledgeandthenmanyfabulousandabsurdthingswereforceduponbelievers_because_ theywereincapableofdemonstration。Afterthat，OLord，littlebylittle，withagentleandmostmercifulhand，drawingandcalmingmyheart，thoudidstpersuademethat，ifItookintoaccountthemultitudeofthingsIhadneverseen，norbeenpresentwhentheywereenacted——suchasmanyoftheeventsofsecularhistory；andthenumerousreportsofplacesandcitieswhichIhadnotseen；orsuchasmyrelationswithmanyfriends，orphysicians，orwiththesemenandthose——thatunlessweshouldbelieve，weshoulddonothingatallinthislife。[159]Finally，IwasimpressedwithwhatanunalterableassuranceIbelievedwhichtwopeopleweremyparents，thoughthiswasimpossibleformetoknowotherwisethanbyhearsay。Bybringingallthisintomyconsideration，thoudidstpersuademethatitwasnottheoneswhobelievedthybooks——whichwithsogreatauthoritythouhastestablishedamongnearlyallnations——butthosewhodidnotbelievethemwhoweretobeblamed。Moreover，thosemenwerenottobelistenedtowhowouldsaytome，”HowdoyouknowthatthoseScriptureswereimpartedtomankindbytheSpiritoftheoneandmosttrueGod？”Forthiswasthepointthatwasmostofalltobebelieved，sincenowranglingsofblasphemousquestionssuchasI hadreadinthebooksoftheself-contradictingphilosopherscouldoncesnatchfrommethebeliefthatthoudostexist——although_what_thouartIdidnotknow——andthattotheebelongsthegovernanceofhumanaffairs。 8。ThismuchIbelieved，sometimesmorestronglythanothertimes。ButIalwaysbelievedboththatthouartandthatthouhastacareforus，[160]althoughIwasignorantbothastowhatshouldbethoughtaboutthysubstanceandastowhichwayled，orledback，tothee。Thus，sincewearetooweakbyunaidedreasontofindouttruth，andsince，becauseofthis，weneedtheauthorityoftheHolyWritings，Ihadnowbeguntobelievethatthouwouldstnot，underanycircumstances，havegivensucheminentauthoritytothoseScripturesthroughoutalllandsifithadnotbeenthatthroughthemthywillmaybebelievedinandthatthoumightestbesought。For，astothosepassagesintheScripturewhichhadheretoforeappearedincongruousandoffensivetome，nowthatIhadheardseveralofthemexpoundedreasonably，Icouldseethattheyweretoberesolvedbythemysteriesofspiritualinterpretation。TheauthorityofScriptureseemedtomeallthemorereveredandworthyofdevoutbeliefbecause，althoughitwasvisibleforalltoread，itreservedthefullmajestyofitssecretwisdomwithinitsspiritualprofundity。Whileitstoopedtoallinthegreatplainnessofitslanguageandsimplicityofstyle，ityetrequiredtheclosestattentionofthemostserious- minded——sothatitmightreceiveallintoitscommonbosom，anddirectsomefewthroughitsnarrowpassagestowardthee，yetmanymorethanwouldhavebeenthecasehadtherenotbeeninitsuchaloftyauthority，whichneverthelessalluredmultitudestoitsbosombyitsholyhumility。Icontinuedtoreflectuponthesethings，andthouwastwithme。Isighed，andthoudidsthearme。 Ivacillated，andthouguidedstme。Iroamedthebroadwayoftheworld，andthoudidstnotdesertme。 CHAPTERVI 9。Iwasstilleagerlyaspiringtohonors，money，andmatrimony；andthoudidstmockme。InpursuitoftheseambitionsIenduredthemostbitterhardships，inwhichthouwastbeingthemoregraciousthelessthouwouldstallowanythingthatwasnottheetogrowsweettome。Lookintomyheart，OLord，whosepromptingitisthatIshouldrecallallthis，andconfessittothee。Nowletmysoulcleavetothee，nowthatthouhastfreedherfromthatfast-stickingglueofdeath。 Howwretchedshewas！Andthoudidstirritatehersorewoundsothatshemightforsakeallelseandturntothee——whoartaboveallandwithoutwhomallthingswouldbenothingatall—— sothatsheshouldbeconvertedandhealed。HowwretchedIwasatthattime，andhowthoudidstdealwithmesoastomakemeawareofmywretchedness，IrecallfromtheincidentofthedayonwhichIwaspreparingtoreciteapanegyricontheemperor。InitIwastodelivermanyalie，andthelyingwastobeapplaudedbythosewhoknewIwaslying。Myheartwasagitatedwiththissenseofguiltanditseethedwiththefeverofmyuneasiness。For，whilewalkingalongoneofthestreetsofMilan，Isawapoorbeggar—— withwhatIbelievewasafullbelly——jokingandhilarious。AndIsighedandspoketothefriendsaroundmeofthemanysorrowsthatflowedfromourmadness，becauseinspiteofallourexertions——suchasthoseIwasthenlaboringin，draggingtheburdenofmyunhappinessunderthespurofambition，and，bydraggingit，increasingitatthesametime——stillandallweaimedonlytoattainthatveryhappinesswhichthisbeggarhadreachedbeforeus；andtherewasagrimchancethatweshouldneverattainit！Forwhathehadobtainedthroughafewcoins，gotbyhisbegging，Iwasstillschemingforbymanyawretchedandtortuousturning——namely，thejoyofapassingfelicity。Hehadnot，indeed，gainedtruejoy，but，atthesametime，withallmyambitions，Iwasseekingonestillmoreuntrue。Anyhow，hewasnowjoyousandIwasanxious。Hewasfreefromcare，andIwasfullofalarms。Now，ifanyoneshouldinquireofmewhetherI shouldprefertobemerryoranxious，Iwouldreply，”Merry。” Again，ifIhadbeenaskedwhetherIshouldprefertobeashewasorasImyselfthenwas，Iwouldhavechosentobemyself；thoughIwasbesetwithcaresandalarms。Butwouldnotthishavebeenafalsechoice？Wasthecontrastvalid？Actually，IoughtnottoprefermyselftohimbecauseIhappenedtobemorelearnedthanhewas；forIgotnogreatpleasurefrommylearning，butsought，rather，topleasemenbyitsexhibition——andthisnottoinstruct，butonlytoplease。Thusthoudidstbreakmyboneswiththerodofthycorrection。 10。Letmysoultakeitsleaveofthosewhosay:”Itmakesadifferenceastotheobjectfromwhichamanderiveshisjoy。Thebeggarrejoicedindrunkenness；youlongedtorejoiceinglory。” Whatglory，OLord？Thekindthatisnotinthee，for，justashiswasnotruejoy，sowasminenotrueglory；butitturnedmyheadallthemore。Hewouldgetoverhisdrunkennessthatsamenight，butIhadsleptwithminemanyanightandrisenagainwithit，andwastosleepagainandriseagainwithit，Iknownothowmanytimes。Itdoesindeedmakeadifferenceastotheobjectfromwhichaman’sjoyisgained。Iknowthisisso，andIknowthatthejoyofafaithfulhopeisincomparablybeyondsuchvanity。Yet，atthesametime，thisbeggarwasbeyondme，forhetrulywasthehappierman——notonlybecausehewasthoroughlysteepedinhismirthwhileIwastorntopieceswithmycares，butbecausehehadgottenhiswinebygivinggoodwishestothepassers-bywhileIwasfollowingaftertheambitionofmypridebylying。MuchtothiseffectIsaidtomygoodcompanions，andI sawhowreadilytheyreactedprettymuchasIdid。ThusIfoundthatitwentillwithme；andIfretted，anddoubledthatveryill。Andifanyprosperitysmileduponme，Iloathedtoseizeit，foralmostbeforeIcouldgraspit，itwouldflyaway。 CHAPTERVII 11。Thoseofuswhowerelivinglikefriendstogetherusedtobemoanourlotinourcommontalk；butIdiscusseditwithAlypiusandNebridiusmoreespeciallyandinveryfamiliarterms。 AlypiushadbeenborninthesametownasI；hisparentswereofthehighestrankthere，buthewasabityoungerthanI。HehadstudiedundermewhenIfirsttaughtinourtown，andthenafterwardatCarthage。HeesteemedmehighlybecauseIappearedtohimgoodandlearned，andIesteemedhimforhisinbornloveofvirtue，whichwasuncommonlymarkedinamansoyoung。ButinthewhirlpoolofCarthaginianfashion——wherefrivolousspectaclesarehotlyfollowed——hehadbeeninveigledintothemadnessofthegladiatorialgames。Whilehewasmiserablytossedaboutinthisfad，Iwasteachingrhetoricthereinapublicschool。Atthattimehewasnotattendingmyclassesbecauseofsomeillfeelingthathadarisenbetweenmeandhisfather。Ithencametodiscoverhowfatallyhedoteduponthecircus，andIwasdeeplygrieved，forheseemedlikelytocastawayhisverygreatpromise——if，indeed，hehadnotalreadydoneso。YetIhadnomeansofadvisinghim，oranywayofreclaiminghimthroughrestraint，eitherbythekindnessofafriendorbytheauthorityofateacher。ForIimaginedthathisfeelingstowardmewerethesameashisfather’s。Butthisturnedoutnottobethecase。Indeed，disregardinghisfather’swillinthematter，hebegantobefriendlyandtovisitmylectureroom，tolistenforawhileandthendepart。 12。Butitslippedmymemorytotrytodealwithhisproblem，topreventhimfromruininghisexcellentmindinhisblindandheadstrongpassionforfrivoloussport。Butthou，O Lord，whoholdestthehelmofallthatthouhastcreated，[161] thouhadstnotforgottenhimwhowasonedaytobenumberedamongthysons，achiefministerofthysacrament。[162]Andinorderthathisamendmentmightplainlybeattributedtothee，thoubroughtestitaboutthroughmewhileIknewnothingofit。 Oneday，whenIwassittinginmyaccustomedplacewithmyscholarsbeforeme，hecamein，greetedme，sathimselfdown，andfixedhisattentiononthesubjectIwasthendiscussing。ItsohappenedthatIhadapassageinhandand，whileIwasinterpretingit，asimileoccurredtome，takenfromthegladiatorialgames。ItstruckmeasrelevanttomakemorepleasantandplainthepointIwantedtoconveybyaddingabitinggibeatthosewhomthatmadnesshadenthralled。Thouknowest，O ourGod，thatIhadnothoughtatthattimeofcuringAlypiusofthatplague。ButhetookittohimselfandthoughtthatIwouldnothavesaiditbutforhissake。Andwhatanyothermanwouldhavetakenasanoccasionofoffenseagainstme，thisworthyyoungmantookasareasonforbeingoffendedathimself，andforlovingmethemorefervently。ThouhastsaiditlongagoandwritteninthyBook，”Rebukeawiseman，andhewillloveyou。”[163]NowI hadnotrebukedhim；butthouwhocanstmakeuseofeverything，bothwittingandunwitting，andintheorderwhichthouthyselfknowesttobebest——andthatorderisright——thoumadestmyheartandtongueintoburningcoalswithwhichthoumightestcauterizeandcurethehopefulmindthuslanguishing。Lethimbesilentinthypraisewhodoesnotmeditateonthymercy，whichrisesupinmyinmostpartstoconfesstothee。ForafterthatspeechAlypiusrushedupoutofthatdeeppitintowhichhehadwillfullyplungedandinwhichhehadbeenblindedbyitsmiserablepleasures。Andherousedhismindwitharesolvetomoderation。Whenhehaddonethis，allthefilthofthegladiatorialpleasuresdroppedawayfromhim，andhewenttothemnomore。Thenhealsoprevaileduponhisreluctantfathertolethimbemypupil。And，attheson’surging，thefatheratlastconsented。ThusAlypiusbeganagaintohearmylecturesandbecameinvolvedwithmeinthesamesuperstition，lovingintheManicheansthatoutwarddisplayofasceticdisciplinewhichhebelievedwastrueandunfeigned。Itwas，however，asenselessandseducingcontinence，whichensnaredprecioussoulswhowerenotableasyettoreachtheheightoftruevirtue，andwhowereeasilybeguiledwiththeveneerofwhatwasonlyashadowyandfeignedvirtue。 CHAPTERVIII 13。HehadgoneontoRomebeforemetostudylaw——whichwastheworldlywaywhichhisparentswereforeverurginghimtopursue——andtherehewascarriedawayagainwithanincrediblepassionforthegladiatorialshows。For，althoughhehadbeenutterlyopposedtosuchspectaclesanddetestedthem，onedayhemetbychanceacompanyofhisacquaintancesandfellowstudentsreturningfromdinner；and，withafriendlyviolence，theydrewhim，resistingandobjectingvehemently，intotheamphitheater，onadayofthosecruelandmurderousshows。Heprotestedtothem:”Thoughyoudragmybodytothatplaceandsetmedownthere，youcannotforcemetogivemymindorlendmyeyestotheseshows。 ThusIwillbeabsentwhilepresent，andsoovercomebothyouandthem。”Whentheyheardthis，theydraggedhimonin，probablyinterestedtoseewhetherhecoulddoashesaid。Whentheygottothearena，andhadtakenwhatseatstheycouldget，thewholeplacebecameatumultofinhumanfrenzy。ButAlypiuskepthiseyesclosedandforbadehismindtoroamabroadaftersuchwickedness。Wouldthathehadshuthisearsalso！Forwhenoneofthecombatantsfellinthefight，amightycryfromthewholeaudiencestirredhimsostronglythat，overcomebycuriosityandstillprepared(ashethought)todespiseandrisesuperiortoitnomatterwhatitwas，heopenedhiseyesandwasstruckwithadeeperwoundinhissoulthanthevictimwhomhedesiredtoseehadbeeninhisbody。Thushefellmoremiserablythantheonewhosefallhadraisedthatmightyclamorwhichhadenteredthroughhisearsandunlockedhiseyestomakewayforthewoundingandbeatingdownofhissoul，whichwasmoreaudaciousthantrulyvaliant——alsoitwasweakerbecauseitpresumedonitsownstrengthwhenitoughttohavedependedonThee。For，assoonashesawtheblood，hedrankinwithitasavagetemper，andhedidnotturnaway，butfixedhiseyesonthebloodypastime，unwittinglydrinkinginthemadness——delightedwiththewickedcontestanddrunkwithbloodlust。Hewasnownolongerthesamemanwhocamein，butwasoneofthemobhecameinto，atruecompanionofthosewhohadbroughthimthither。WhyneedIsaymore？Helooked，heshouted，hewasexcited，andhetookawaywithhimthemadnessthatwouldstimulatehimtocomeagain:notonlywiththosewhofirstenticedhim，butevenwithoutthem； indeed，dragginginothersbesides。Andyetfromallthis，withamostpowerfulandmostmercifulhand，thoudidstpluckhimandtaughthimnottoresthisconfidenceinhimselfbutinthee—— butnottilllongafter。 CHAPTERIX 14。Butthiswasallbeingstoredupinhismemoryasmedicineforthefuture。SoalsowasthatotherincidentwhenhewasstillstudyingundermeatCarthageandwasmeditatingatnoondayinthemarketplaceonwhathehadtorecite——asscholarsusuallyhavetodoforpractice——andthoudidstallowhimtobearrestedbythepoliceofficersinthemarketplaceasathief。Ibelieve，OmyGod，thatthoudidstallowthisfornootherreasonthanthatthismanwhowasinthefuturetoprovesogreatshouldnowbegintolearnthat，inmakingjustdecisions，amanshouldnotreadilybecondemnedbyothermenwithrecklesscredulity。 Forashewaswalkingupanddownalonebeforethejudgmentseatwithhistabletsandpen，lo，ayoungman——anotheroneofthescholars，whowastherealthief——secretlybroughtahatchetand，withoutAlypiusseeinghim，gotinasfarastheleadenbarswhichprotectedthesilversmithshopandbegantohackawayattheleadgratings。Butwhenthenoiseofthehatchetwasheardthesilversmithsbelowbegantocalltoeachotherinwhispersandsentmentoarrestwhomsoevertheyshouldfind。Thethiefheardtheirvoicesandranaway，leavinghishatchetbecausehewasafraidtobecaughtwithit。NowAlypius，whohadnotseenhimcomein，gotaglimpseofhimashewentoutandnoticedthathewentoffingreathaste。Beingcurioustoknowthereasons，hewentuptotheplace，wherehefoundthehatchet，andstoodwonderingandponderingwhen，behold，thosethatweresentcaughthimalone，holdingthehatchetwhichhadmadethenoisewhichhadstartledthemandbroughtthemthere。Theyseizedhimanddraggedhimaway，gatheringthetenantsofthemarketplaceaboutthemandboastingthattheyhadcaughtanotoriousthief。Thereuponhewasledawaytoappearbeforethejudge。 15。Butthisisasfarashislessonwastogo。Forimmediately，OLord，thoudidstcometotherescueofhisinnocence，ofwhichthouwastthesolewitness。Ashewasbeingledofftoprisonorpunishment，theyweremetbythemasterbuilderwhohadchargeofthepublicbuildings。Thecaptorswereespeciallygladtomeethimbecausehehadmorethanoncesuspectedthemofstealingthegoodsthathadbeenlostoutofthemarketplace。Now，atlast，theythoughttheycouldconvincehimwhoitwasthathadcommittedthethefts。ButthecustodianhadoftenmetAlypiusatthehouseofacertainsenator，whosereceptionsheusedtoattend。Herecognizedhimatonceand，takinghishand，ledhimapartfromthethrong，inquiredthecauseofallthetrouble，andlearnedwhathadoccurred。Hethencommandedalltherabblestillaround——andveryuproariousandfullofthreateningstheywere——tocomealongwithhim，andtheycametothehouseoftheyoungmanwhohadcommittedthedeed。 There，beforethedoor，wasaslaveboysoyoungthathewasnotrestrainedfromtellingthewholestorybyfearofharminghismaster。Andhehadfollowedhismastertothemarketplace。 Alypiusrecognizedhim，andwhisperedtothearchitect，whoshowedtheboythehatchetandaskedwhoseitwas。”Ours，”heanswereddirectly。And，beingfurtherquestioned，hedisclosedthewholeaffair。Thustheguiltwasshiftedtothathouseholdandtherabble，whohadbeguntotriumphoverAlypius，wereshamed。Andsohewentawayhome，thismanwhowastobethefuturestewardofthyWordandjudgeofsomanycausesinthyChurch——awiserandmoreexperiencedman。