第4章

CHAPTERX 16。IfoundhimatRome，andhewasboundtomewiththestrongestpossibleties，andhewentwithmetoMilan，inorderthathemightnotbeseparatedfromme，andalsothathemightobtainsomelawpractice，forwhichhehadqualifiedwithaviewtopleasinghisparentsmorethanhimself。Hehadalreadysatthreetimesasassessor，showinganintegritythatseemedstrangetomanyothers，thoughhethoughtthemstrangewhocouldprefergoldtointegrity。Hischaracterhadalsobeentested，notonlybythebaitofcovetousness，butbythespuroffear。AtRomehewasassessortothesecretaryoftheItalianTreasury。Therewasatthattimeaverypowerfulsenatortowhosefavorsmanywereindebted，andofwhommanystoodinfear。Inhisusualhighhandedwayhedemandedtohaveafavorgrantedhimthatwasforbiddenbythelaws。ThisAlypiusresisted。Abribewaspromised，buthescorneditwithallhisheart。Threatswereemployed，buthetrampledthemunderfoot——sothatallmenmarveledatsorareaspirit，whichneithercovetedthefriendshipnorfearedtheenmityofamanatoncesopowerfulandsowidelyknownforhisgreatresourcesofhelpinghisfriendsanddoingharmtohisenemies。 EventheofficialwhosecounselorAlypiuswas——althoughhewasunwillingthatthefavorshouldbegranted——wouldnotopenlyrefusetherequest，butpassedtheresponsibilityontoAlypius，allegingthathewouldnotpermithimtogivehisassent。Andthetruthwasthatevenifthejudgehadagreed，Alypiuswouldhavesimplyleftthecourt。 Therewasonematter，however，whichappealedtohisloveoflearning，inwhichhewasverynearlyledastray。Hefoundoutthathemighthavebookscopiedforhimselfatpraetorianrates[i。e。，atpublicexpense]。Buthissenseofjusticeprevailed，andhechangedhismindforthebetter，thinkingthattherulethatforbadehimwasstillmoreprofitablethantheprivilegethathisofficewouldhaveallowedhim。Thesearelittlethings，but”hethatisfaithfulinalittlematterisfaithfulalsoinagreatone。”[164]NorcanthatpossiblybevoidwhichwasutteredbythemouthofThytruth:”If，therefore，youhavenotbeenfaithfulintheunrighteousmammon，whowillcommittoyourtrustthetrueriches？Andifyouhavenotbeenfaithfulinthatwhichisanotherman’s，whoshallgiveyouthatwhichisyourown？”[165] SuchamanwasAlypius，whoclungtomeatthattimeandwhowaveredinhispurpose，justasIdid，astowhatcourseoflifetofollow。 17。NebridiusalsohadcometoMilanfornootherreasonthanthathemightlivewithmeinamostardentsearchaftertruthandwisdom。HehadlefthisnativeplacenearCarthage—— andCarthageitself，whereheusuallylived——leavingbehindhisfinefamilyestate，hishouse，andhismother，whowouldnotfollowhim。Likeme，hesighed；likeme，hewavered；anardentseekerafterthetruelifeandamostacuteanalystofthemostabstrusequestions。Sotherewerethreebeggingmouths，sighingouttheirwantsonetotheother，andwaitinguponthee，thatthoumightestgivethemtheirmeatindueseason。[166]Andinallthevexationswithwhichthymercyfollowedourworldlypursuits，wesoughtforthereasonwhywesufferedso——andallwasdarkness！ Weturnedawaygroaningandexclaiming，”Howlongshallthesethingsbe？”Andthisweoftenasked，yetforallouraskingwedidnotrelinquishthem；forasyetwehadnotdiscoveredanythingcertainwhich，whenwegavethoseothersup，wemightgraspintheirstead。 CHAPTERXI 18。AndIespeciallypuzzledandwonderedwhenIrememberedhowlongatimehadpassedsincemynineteenthyear，inwhichI hadfirstfalleninlovewithwisdomandhaddeterminedassoonasIcouldfindhertoabandontheemptyhopesandmaddelusionsofvaindesires。Behold，Iwasnowgettingclosetothirty，stillstuckfastinthesamemire，stillgreedyofenjoyingpresentgoodswhichflyawayanddistractme；andIwasstillsaying，”TomorrowIshalldiscoverit；behold，itwillbecomeplain，andI shallseeit；behold，Faustuswillcomeandexplaineverything。” OrIwouldsay[167]:”OyoumightyAcademics，istherenocertaintythatmancangraspfortheguidanceofhislife？No，letussearchthemorediligently，andletusnotdespair。See，thethingsintheChurch’sbooksthatappearedsoabsurdtousbeforedonotappearsonow，andmaybeotherwiseandhonestlyinterpreted。Iwillsetmyfeetuponthatstepwhere，asachild，myparentsplacedme，untilthecleartruthisdiscovered。Butwhereandwhenshallitbesought？Ambrosehasnoleisure——wehavenoleisuretoread。Wherearewetofindthebooks？HoworwherecouldIgetholdofthem？FromwhomcouldIborrowthem？ Letmesetascheduleformydaysandsetapartcertainhoursforthehealthofthesoul。Agreathopehasrisenupinus，becausetheCatholicfaithdoesnotteachwhatwethoughtitdid，andvainlyaccuseditof。ItsteachersholditasanabominationtobelievethatGodislimitedbytheformofahumanbody。AnddoI doubtthatIshould’knock’inorderfortherestalsotobe’opened’untome？Mypupilstakeupthemorninghours；whatamI doingwiththerestoftheday？Whynotdothis？But，then，whenamItovisitmyinfluentialfriends，whosefavorsIneed？WhenamItopreparetheorationsthatIselltotheclass？WhenwouldIgetsomerecreationandrelaxmymindfromthestrainofwork？ 19。”Perisheverythingandletusdismisstheseidletriflings。Letmedevotemyselfsolelytothesearchfortruth。 Thislifeisunhappy，deathuncertain。Ifitcomesuponmesuddenly，inwhatstateshallIgohenceandwhereshallIlearnwhathereIhaveneglected？ShouldInotindeedsufferthepunishmentofmynegligencehere？Butsupposedeathcutsoffandfinishesallcareandfeeling。Thistooisaquestionthatcallsforinquiry。Godforbidthatitshouldbeso。Itisnotwithoutreason，itisnotinvain，thatthestatelyauthorityoftheChristianfaithhasspreadovertheentireworld，andGodwouldneverhavedonesuchgreatthingsforusifthelifeofthesoulperishedwiththedeathofthebody。Why，therefore，doIdelayinabandoningmyhopesofthisworldandgivingmyselfwhollytoseekafterGodandtheblessedlife？”Butwaitamoment。Thislifealsoispleasant，andithasasweetnessofitsown，notatallnegligible。Wemustnotabandonitlightly，foritwouldbeshamefultolapsebackintoitagain。 Seenow，itisimportanttogainsomepostofhonor。AndwhatmoreshouldIdesire？Ihavecrowdsofinfluentialfriends，ifnothingelse；and，ifIpushmyclaims，agovernorshipmaybeofferedme，andawifewithsomemoney，sothatshewouldnotbeanaddedexpense。Thiswouldbetheheightofmydesire。Manymen，whoaregreatandworthyofimitation，havecombinedthepursuitofwisdomwithamarriagelife。” 20。WhileItalkedaboutthesethings，andthewindsofopinionsveeredaboutandtossedmyhearthitherandthither，timewasslippingaway。IdelayedmyconversiontotheLord；I postponedfromdaytodaythelifeinthee，butIcouldnotpostponethedailydeathinmyself。Iwasenamoredofahappylife，butIstillfearedtoseekitinitsownabode，andsoI fledfromitwhileIsoughtit。IthoughtIshouldbemiserableifIweredeprivedoftheembracesofawoman，andInevergaveathoughttothemedicinethatthymercyhasprovidedforthehealingofthatinfirmity，forIhadnevertriedit。Asforcontinence，Iimaginedthatitdependedonone’sownstrength，thoughIfoundnosuchstrengthinmyself，forinmyfollyIknewnotwhatiswritten，”Nonecanbecontinentunlessthoudostgrantit。”[168]Certainlythouwouldsthavegivenit，ifIhadbeseechedthyearswithheartfeltgroaning，andifIhadcastmycareupontheewithfirmfaith。 CHAPTERXII 21。Actually，itwasAlypiuswhopreventedmefrommarrying，urgingthatifIdidsoitwouldnotbepossibleforustolivetogetherandtohaveasmuchundistractedleisureintheloveofwisdomaswehadlongdesired。Forhehimselfwassochastethatitwaswonderful，allthemorebecauseinhisearlyyouthhehadentereduponthepathofpromiscuity，buthadnotcontinuedinit。 Instead，feelingsorrowanddisgustatit，hehadlivedfromthattimedowntothepresentmostcontinently。Iquotedagainsthimtheexamplesofmenwhohadbeenmarriedandstillloversofwisdom，whohadpleasedGodandhadbeenloyalandaffectionatetotheirfriends。Ifellfarshortofthemingreatnessofsoul，and，enthralledwiththediseaseofmycarnalityanditsdeadlysweetness，Idraggedmychainalong，fearingtobeloosedofit。 ThusIrejectedthewordsofhimwhocounseledmewisely，asifthehandthatwouldhaveloosedthechainonlyhurtmywound。 Moreover，theserpentspoketoAlypiushimselfbyme，weavingandlyinginhispath，bymytonguetocatchhimwithpleasantsnaresinwhichhishonorableandfreefeetmightbeentangled。 22。ForhewonderedthatI，forwhomhehadsuchagreatesteem，shouldbestucksofastinthegluepotofpleasureastomaintain，wheneverwediscussedthesubject，thatIcouldnotpossiblyliveacelibatelife。AndwhenIurgedinmydefenseagainsthisaccusingquestionsthatthehastyandstolendelight，whichhehadtastedandnowhardlyremembered，andthereforetooeasilydisparaged，wasnottobecomparedwithasettledacquaintancewithit；andthat，iftothisstableacquaintancewereaddedthehonorablenameofmarriage，hewouldnotthenbeastonishedatmyinabilitytogiveitup——whenIspokethus，thenhealsobegantowishtobemarried，notbecausehewasovercomebythelustforsuchpleasures，butoutofcuriosity。 For，hesaid，helongedtoknowwhatthatcouldbewithoutwhichmylife，whichhethoughtwassohappy，seemedtometobenolifeatall，butapunishment。Forhewhoworenochainwasamazedatmyslavery，andhisamazementawokethedesireforexperience，andfromthathewouldhavegoneontotheexperimentitself，andthenperhapshewouldhavefallenintotheveryslaverythatamazedhiminme，sincehewasreadytoenterinto”acovenantwithdeath，”[169]for”hethatlovesdangershallfallintoit。”[170] Now，thequestionofconjugalhonorintheorderingofagoodmarriedlifeandthebringingupofchildreninterestedusbutslightly。Whatafflictedmemostandwhathadmademealreadyaslavetoitwasthehabitofsatisfyinganinsatiablelust；butAlypiuswasabouttobeenslavedbyamerelycuriouswonder。Thisisthestatewewereinuntilthou，OMostHigh，whoneverforsakestourlowliness，didsttakepityonourmiseryanddidstcometoourrescueinwonderfulandsecretways。 CHAPTERXIII 23。Activeeffortsweremadetogetmeawife。Iwooed；I wasengaged；andmymothertookthegreatestpainsinthematter。 Forherhopewasthat，whenIwasoncemarried，Imightbewashedcleaninhealth-givingbaptismforwhichIwasbeingdailyprepared，asshejoyfullysaw，takingnotethatherdesiresandpromiseswerebeingfulfilledinmyfaith。Yet，when，atmyrequestandherownimpulse，shecalledupontheedailywithstrong，heartfeltcries，thatthouwouldst，byavision，discloseuntoheraleadingaboutmyfuturemarriage，thouwouldstnot。 Shedid，indeed，seecertainvainandfantasticthings，suchasareconjuredupbythestrongpreoccupationofthehumanspirit，andtheseshesupposedhadsomereferencetome。Andshetoldmeaboutthem，butnotwiththeconfidencesheusuallyhadwhenthouhadstshownheranything。Forshealwayssaidthatshecoulddistinguish，byacertainfeelingimpossibletodescribe，betweenthyrevelationsandthedreamsofherownsoul。Yetthematterwaspressedforward，andproposalsweremadeforagirlwhowasasyetsometwoyearstooyoungtomarry。[171]Andbecauseshepleasedme，Iagreedtowaitforher。 CHAPTERXIV 24。Manyinmybandoffriends，consultingaboutandabhorringtheturbulentvexationsofhumanlife，hadoftenconsideredandwerenowalmostdeterminedtoundertakeapeacefullife，awayfromtheturmoilofmen。Thiswethoughtcouldbeobtainedbybringingtogetherwhatweseverallyownedandthusmakingofitacommonhousehold，sothatinthesincerityofourfriendshipnothingshouldbelongmoretoonethantotheother； butallweretohaveonepurseandthewholewastobelongtoeachandtoall。Wethoughtthatthisgroupmightconsistoftenpersons，someofwhomwereveryrich——especiallyRomanianus，myfellowtownsman，anintimatefriendfromchildhooddays。Hehadbeenbroughtuptothecourtongravebusinessmattersandhewasthemostearnestofusallabouttheprojectandhisvoicewasofgreatweightincommendingitbecausehisestatewasfarmoreamplethanthatoftheothers。Wehadresolved，also，thateachyeartwoofusshouldbemanagersandprovideallthatwasneedful，whiletherestwereleftundisturbed。Butwhenwebegantoreflectwhetherthiswouldbepermittedbyourwives，whichsomeofushadalreadyandothershopedtohave，thewholeplan，soexcellentlyframed，collapsedinourhandsandwasutterlywreckedandcastaside。Fromthiswefellagainintosighsandgroans，andourstepsfollowedthebroadandbeatenwaysoftheworld；formanythoughtswereinourhearts，but”Thycounselstandethfastforever。”[172]Inthycounselthoudidstmockours，anddidstpreparethyownplan，foritwasthypurpose”togiveusmeatindueseason，toopenthyhand，andtofilloursoulswithblessing。”[173] CHAPTERXV 25。Meanwhilemysinswerebeingmultiplied。Mymistresswastornfrommysideasanimpedimenttomymarriage，andmyheartwhichclungtoherwastornandwoundedtillitbled。AndshewentbacktoAfrica，vowingtotheenevertoknowanyothermanandleavingwithmemynaturalsonbyher。ButI，unhappyasIwas，andweakerthanawoman，couldnotbearthedelayofthetwoyearsthatshouldelapsebeforeIcouldobtainthebrideI sought。Andso，sinceIwasnotaloverofwedlocksomuchasaslaveoflust，Iprocuredanothermistress——notawife，ofcourse。Thusinbondagetoalastinghabit，thediseaseofmysoulmightbenursedupandkeptinitsvigororevenincreaseduntilitreachedtherealmofmatrimony。Norindeedwasthewoundhealedthathadbeencausedbycuttingawaymyformermistress； onlyitceasedtoburnandthrob，andbegantofester，andwasmoredangerousbecauseitwaslesspainful。 CHAPTERXVI 26。Thinebethepraise；untotheebetheglory，OFountainofmercies。Ibecamemorewretchedandthoudidstcomenearer。 Thyrighthandwaseverreadytopluckmeoutofthemireandtocleanseme，butIdidnotknowit。Nordidanythingcallmebackfromastilldeeperplungeintocarnalpleasureexceptthefearofdeathandofthyfuturejudgment，which，amidallthewaveringsofmyopinions，neverfadedfrommybreast。AndIdiscussedwithmyfriends，AlypiusandNebridius，thenatureofgoodandevil，maintainingthat，inmyjudgment，EpicuruswouldhavecarriedoffthepalmifIhadnotbelievedwhatEpicuruswouldnotbelieve: thatafterdeaththereremainsalifeforthesoul，andplacesofrecompense。AndIdemandedofthem:”Supposeweareimmortalandliveintheenjoymentofperpetualbodilypleasure，andthatwithoutanyfearoflosingit——why，then，shouldwenotbehappy，orwhyshouldwesearchforanythingelse？”Ididnotknowthatthiswasinfacttherootofmymisery:thatIwassofallenandblindedthatIcouldnotdiscernthelightofvirtueandofbeautywhichmustbeembracedforitsownsake，whichtheeyeoffleshcannotsee，andonlytheinnervisioncansee。NordidI，alas，considerthereasonwhyIfounddelightindiscussingtheseveryperplexities，shamefulastheywere，withmyfriends。ForI couldnotbehappywithoutfriends，evenaccordingtothenotionsofhappinessIhadthen，andnomatterhowrichthestoreofmycarnalpleasuresmightbe。YetofatruthIlovedmyfriendsfortheirownsakes，andfeltthattheyinturnlovedmeformyownsake。 Ocrookedways！Woetotheaudacioussoulwhichhopedthatbyforsakingtheeitwouldfindsomebetterthing！Ittossedandturned，uponbackandsideandbelly——butthebedishard，andthoualonegivestitrest。[174]Andlo，thouartnear，andthoudeliverestusfromourwretchedwanderingsandestablishestusinthyway，andthoucomfortestusandsayest，”Run，Iwillcarryyou；yea，IwillleadyouhomeandthenIwillsetyoufree。”[175] BOOKSEVEN TheconversiontoNeoplatonism。AugustinetraceshisgrowingdisenchantmentwiththeManicheanconceptionsofGodandevilandthedawningunderstandingofGod’sincorruptibility。Buthisthoughtisstillboundbyhismaterialisticnotionsofreality。 HerejectsastrologyandturnstothestudofNeoplatonism。TherefollowsananalysisofthedifferencesbetweenPlatonismandChristianityandaremarkableaccountofhisappropriationofPlotinianwisdomandhisexperienceofaPlotinianecstasy。Fromthis，hecomesfinallytothediligentstudyoftheBible，especiallythewritingsoftheapostlePaul。Hispilgrimageisdrawingtowarditsgoal，ashebeginstoknowJesusChristandtobedrawntohiminhesitantfaith。 CHAPTERI 1。Deadnowwasthatevilandshamefulyouthofmine，andI waspassingintofullmanhood。[176]AsIincreasedinyears，theworsewasmyvanity。ForIcouldnotconceiveofanysubstancebutthesortIcouldseewithmyowneyes。Inolongerthoughtofthee，OGod，bytheanalogyofahumanbody。EversinceI inclinedmyeartophilosophyIhadavoidedthiserror——andthetruthonthispointIrejoicedtofindinthefaithofourspiritualmother，thyCatholicChurch。YetIcouldnotseehowelsetoconceivethee。AndI，aman——andsuchaman！——soughttoconceivethee，thesovereignandonlytrueGod。Inmyinmostheart，Ibelievedthatthouartincorruptibleandinviolableandunchangeable，because——thoughIknewnothoworwhy——Icouldstillseeplainlyandwithoutdoubtthatthecorruptibleisinferiortotheincorruptible，theinviolableobviouslysuperiortoitsopposite，andtheunchangeablebetterthanthechangeable。 Myheartcriedoutviolentlyagainstallfantasms，[177]andwiththisoneclearcertaintyIendeavoredtobrushawaytheswarmofuncleanfliesthatswarmedaroundtheeyesofmymind。Butbeholdtheywerescarcelyscatteredbeforetheygatheredagain，buzzedagainstmyface，andbecloudedmyvision。InolongerthoughtofGodintheanalogyofahumanbody，yetIwasconstrainedtoconceivetheetobesomekindofbodyinspace，eitherinfusedintotheworld，orinfinitelydiffusedbeyondtheworld——andthiswastheincorruptible，inviolable，unchangeablesubstance，whichIthoughtwasbetterthanthecorruptible，theviolable，andthechangeable。[178]ForwhateverIconceivedtobedeprivedofthedimensionsofspaceappearedtometobenothing，absolutelynothing；notevenavoid，forifabodyistakenoutofspace，orifspaceisemptiedofallitscontents(ofearth，water，air，orheaven)，yetitremainsanemptyspace——aspaciousnothing，asitwere。 2。Beingthusgross-heartedandnotcleareventomyself，I thenheldthatwhateverhadneitherlengthnorbreadthnordensitynorsolidity，anddidnotorcouldnotreceivesuchdimensions，wasabsolutelynothing。Foratthattimemyminddweltonlywithideas，whichresembledtheformswithwhichmyeyesarestillfamiliar，norcouldIseethattheactofthought，bywhichI formedthoseideas，wasitselfimmaterial，andyetitcouldnothaveformedthemifitwerenotitselfameasurableentity。 SoalsoIthoughtaboutthee，OLifeofmylife，asstretchedoutthroughinfinitespace，interpenetratingthewholemassoftheworld，reachingoutbeyondinalldirections，toimmensitywithoutend；sothattheearthshouldhavethee，theheavenhavethee，allthingshavethee，andallofthembelimitedinthee，whilethouartplacednowhereatall。Asthebodyoftheairabovetheearthdoesnotbarthepassageofthelightofthesun，sothatthelightpenetratesit，notbyburstingnordividing，butfillingitentirely，soIimaginedthatthebodyofheavenandairandsea，andevenoftheearth，wasallopentotheeand，inallitsgreatestpartsaswellasthesmallest，wasreadytoreceivethypresencebyasecretinspirationwhich，fromwithinorwithoutall，ordersallthingsthouhastcreated。Thiswasmyconjecture，becauseIwasunabletothinkofanythingelse；yetitwasuntrue。 Forinthiswayagreaterpartoftheearthwouldcontainagreaterpartofthee；asmallerpart，asmallerfractionofthee。 Allthingswouldbefulloftheeinsuchasensethattherewouldbemoreoftheeinanelephantthaninasparrow，becauseoneislargerthantheotherandfillsalargerspace。Andthiswouldmaketheportionsofthyselfpresentintheseveralportionsoftheworldinfragments，greattothegreat，smalltothesmall。 Butthouartnotsuchaone。Butasyetthouhadstnotenlightenedmydarkness。 CHAPTERII 3。Butitwasnotsufficientforme，OLord，tobeabletoopposethosedeceiveddeceiversandthosedumborators——dumbbecausethyWorddidnotsoundforthfromthem——toopposethemwiththeanswerwhich，intheoldCarthaginiandays，Nebridiususedtopropound，shakingallofuswhoheardit:”Whatcouldthisimaginarypeopleofdarkness，whichtheManicheansusuallysetupasanarmyopposedtothee，havedonetotheeifthouhadstdeclinedthecombat？”Iftheyrepliedthatitcouldhavehurtthee，theywouldthenhavemadetheeviolableandcorruptible。 If，ontheotherhand，thedarkcouldhavedonetheenoharm，thentherewasnocauseforanybattleatall；therewaslesscauseforabattleinwhichapartofthee，oneofthymembers，achildofthyownsubstance，shouldbemixedupwithopposingpowers，notofthycreation；andshouldbecorruptedanddeterioratedandchangedbythemfromhappinessintomisery，sothatitcouldnotbedeliveredandcleansedwithoutthyhelp。ThisoffspringofthysubstancewassupposedtobethehumansoultowhichthyWord—— free，pure，andentire——couldbringhelpwhenitwasbeingenslaved，contaminated，andcorrupted。ButontheirhypothesisthatWordwasitselfcorruptiblebecauseitisoneandthesamesubstanceasthesoul。 Andthereforeiftheyadmittedthatthynature——whatsoeverthouart——isincorruptible，thenalltheseassertionsoftheirsarefalseandshouldberejectedwithhorror。Butifthysubstanceiscorruptible，thenthisisself-evidentlyfalseandshouldbeabhorredatfirstutterance。Thislineofargument，then，wasenoughagainstthosedeceiverswhooughttobecastforthfromasurfeitedstomach——foroutofthisdilemmatheycouldfindnowayofescapewithoutdreadfulsacrilegeofmindandtongue，whentheythinkandspeaksuchthingsaboutthee。 CHAPTERIII 4。Butasyet，althoughIsaidandwasfirmlypersuadedthatthouourLord，thetrueGod，whomadestnotonlyoursoulsbutourbodiesaswell——andnotonlyoursoulsandbodiesbutallcreaturesandallthings——wastfreefromstainandalterationandinnowaymutable，yetIcouldnotreadilyandclearlyunderstandwhatwasthecauseofevil。Whateveritwas，I realizedthatthequestionmustbesoanalyzedasnottoconstrainmebyanyanswertobelievethattheimmutableGodwasmutable，lestIshouldmyselfbecomethethingthatIwasseekingout。AndsoIpursuedthesearchwithaquietmind，nowinaconfidentfeelingthatwhathadbeensaidbytheManicheans——andIshrankfromthemwithmywholeheart——couldnotbetrue。Inowrealizedthatwhentheyaskedwhatwastheoriginofeviltheiranswerwasdictatedbyawickedpride，whichwouldratheraffirmthatthynatureiscapableofsufferingevilthanthattheirownnatureiscapableofdoingit。 5。AndIdirectedmyattentiontounderstandwhatInowwastold，thatfreewillisthecauseofourdoingevilandthatthyjustjudgmentisthecauseofourhavingtosufferfromitsconsequences。ButIcouldnotseethisclearly。Sothen，tryingtodrawtheeyeofmymindupoutofthatpit，Iwasplungedbackintoitagain，andtryingoftenwasjustasoftenplungedbackdown。Butonethingliftedmeuptowardthylight:itwasthatI hadcometoknowthatIhadawillascertainlyasIknewthatI hadlife。When，therefore，Iwilledorwasunwillingtodosomething，Iwasutterlycertainthatitwasnonebutmyselfwhowilledorwasunwilling——andimmediatelyIrealizedthattherewasthecauseofmysin。IcouldseethatwhatIdidagainstmywillIsufferedratherthandid；andIdidnotregardsuchactionsasfaults，butratheraspunishmentsinwhichImightquicklyconfessthatIwasnotunjustlypunished，sinceIbelievedtheetobemostjust。Whowasitthatputthisinme，andimplantedinmetherootofbitterness，inspiteofthefactthatIwasaltogetherthehandiworkofmymostsweetGod？Ifthedevilistoblame，whomadethedevilhimself？Andifhewasagoodangelwhobyhisownwickedwillbecamethedevil，howdidtherehappentobeinhimthatwickedwillbywhichhebecameadevil，sinceagoodCreatormadehimwhollyagoodangel？BythesereflectionswasIagaincastdownandstultified。YetIwasnotplungedintothathelloferror——wherenomanconfessestothee——whereIthoughtthatthoudidstsufferevil，ratherthanthatmendoit。 CHAPTERIV 6。Forinmystruggletosolvetherestofmydifficulties，Inowassumedhenceforthassettledtruththattheincorruptiblemustbesuperiortothecorruptible，andIdidacknowledgethatthou，whateverthouart，artincorruptible。Forthereneveryetwas，norwillbe，asoulabletoconceiveofanythingbetterthanthee，whoartthehighestandbestgood。[179]Andsincemosttrulyandcertainlytheincorruptibleistobeplacedabovethecorruptible——asInowadmitit——itfollowedthatIcouldriseinmythoughtstosomethingbetterthanmyGod，ifthouwertnotincorruptible。When，therefore，Isawthattheincorruptiblewastobepreferredtothecorruptible，IsawthenwhereIoughttoseekthee，andwhereIshouldlookforthesourceofevil:thatis，thecorruptionbywhichthysubstancecaninnowaybeprofaned。ForitisobviousthatcorruptioninnowayinjuresourGod，bynoinclination，bynonecessity，bynounforeseenchance——becauseheisourGod，andwhathewillsisgood，andhehimselfisthatgood。Buttobecorruptedisnotgood。Norartthoucompelledtodoanythingagainstthywill，sincethywillisnotgreaterthanthypower。Butitwouldhavetobegreaterifthouthyselfwertgreaterthanthyself——forthewillandpowerofGodareGodhimself。Andwhatcantaketheebysurprise，sincethouknowestall，andthereisnosortofnaturebutthouknowestit？AndwhatmoreshouldwesayaboutwhythatsubstancewhichGodiscannotbecorrupted；becauseifthisweresoitcouldnotbeGod？ CHAPTERV 7。AndIkeptseekingforananswertothequestion，Whenceisevil？AndIsoughtitinanevilway，andIdidnotseetheevilinmyverysearch。Imarshaledbeforethesightofmyspiritallcreation:allthatweseeofearthandseaandairandstarsandtreesandanimals；andallthatwedonotsee，thefirmamentoftheskyaboveandalltheangelsandallspiritualthings，formyimaginationarrangedthesealso，asiftheywerebodies，inthisplaceorthat。AndIpicturedtomyselfthycreationasonevastmass，composedofvariouskindsofbodies——someofwhichwereactuallybodies，someofthosewhichIimaginedspiritswerelike。Ipicturedthismassasvast——ofcoursenotinitsfulldimensions，fortheseIcouldnotknow——butaslargeasIcouldpossiblythink，stillonlyfiniteoneveryside。Butthou，O Lord，Iimaginedasenvironingthemassoneverysideandpenetratingit，stillinfiniteineverydirection——asiftherewereaseaeverywhere，andeverywherethroughmeasurelessspacenothingbutaninfinitesea；anditcontainedwithinitselfsomesortofsponge，hugebutstillfinite，sothatthespongewouldinallitspartsbefilledfromtheimmeasurablesea。[180] ThusIconceivedthycreationitselftobefinite，andfilledbythee，theinfinite。AndIsaid，”BeholdGod，andbeholdwhatGodhathcreated！”Godisgood，yea，mostmightilyandincomparablybetterthanallhisworks。Butyethewhoisgoodhascreatedthemgood；beholdhowheencirclesandfillsthem。 Where，then，isevil，andwhencedoesitcomeandhowhasitcreptin？Whatisitsrootandwhatitsseed？Hasitnobeingatall？ Why，then，dowefearandshunwhathasnobeing？Orifwefearitneedlessly，thensurelythatfearisevilbywhichtheheartisunnecessarilystabbedandtortured——andindeedagreaterevilsincewehavenothingrealtofear，andyetdofear。Therefore，eitherthatisevilwhichwefear，ortheactoffearingisinitselfevil。But，then，whencedoesitcome，sinceGodwhoisgoodhasmadeallthesethingsgood？Indeed，heisthegreatestandchiefestGood，andhathcreatedtheselessergoods；butbothCreatorandcreatedareallgood。Whence，then，isevil？Or，again，wastheresomeevilmatteroutofwhichhemadeandformedandorderedit，butleftsomethinginhiscreationthathedidnotconvertintogood？Butwhyshouldthisbe？Washepowerlesstochangethewholelumpsothatnoevilwouldremaininit，ifheistheOmnipotent？Finally，whywouldhemakeanythingatalloutofsuchstuff？Whydidhenot，rather，annihilateitbyhissamealmightypower？Couldevilexistcontrarytohiswill？Andifitwerefrometernity，whydidhepermitittobenonexistentforunmeasuredintervalsoftimeinthepast，andwhy，then，washepleasedtomakesomethingoutofitaftersolongatime？Or，ifhewishednowallofasuddentocreatesomething，wouldnotanalmightybeinghavechosentoannihilatethisevilmatterandlivebyhimself——theperfect，true，sovereign，andinfiniteGood？ Or，ifitwerenotgoodthathewhowasgoodshouldnotalsobetheframerandcreatorofwhatwasgood，thenwhywasthatevilmatternotremovedandbroughttonothing，sothathemightformgoodmatter，outofwhichhemightthencreateallthings？Forhewouldnotbeomnipotentifhewerenotabletocreatesomethinggoodwithoutbeingassistedbythatmatterwhichhadnotbeencreatedbyhimself。 SuchperplexitiesIrevolvedinmywretchedbreast，overwhelmedwithgnawingcareslestIdiebeforeIdiscoveredthetruth。AndstillthefaithofthyChrist，ourLordandSaviour，asitwastaughtmebytheCatholicChurch，stuckfastinmyheart。Asyetitwasunformedonmanypointsanddivergedfromtheruleofrightdoctrine，butmyminddidnotutterlyloseit，andeverydaydrankinmoreandmoreofit。 CHAPTERVI 8。BynowIhadalsorepudiatedthelyingdivinationsandimpiousabsurditiesoftheastrologers。Letthymercies，outofthedepthofmysoul，confessthistotheealso，OmyGod。Forthou，thouonly(forwhoelseisitwhocallsusbackfromthedeathofallerrorsexcepttheLifewhichdoesnotknowhowtodieandtheWisdomwhichgiveslighttomindsthatneedit，althoughititselfhasnoneedoflight——bywhichthewholeuniverseisgoverned，eventotheflutteringleavesofthetrees？)——thoualoneprovidedstalsoformyobstinacywithwhichIstruggledagainstVindicianus，asagaciousoldman，andNebridius，thatremarkablytalentedyoungman。Theformerdeclaredvehementlyandthelatterfrequently——thoughwithsomereservation——thatnoartexistedbywhichweforeseefuturethings。Butmen’ssurmiseshaveoftentimesthehelpofchance，andoutofmanythingswhichtheyforetoldsomecametopassunawarestothepredictors，wholightedonthetruthbymakingsomanyguesses。 Andthoualsoprovidedstafriendforme，whowasnotanegligentconsulteroftheastrologerseventhoughhewasnotthoroughlyskilledinthearteither——asIsaid，onewhoconsultedthemoutofcuriosity。Heknewagood，dealaboutit，which，hesaid，hehadheardfromhisfather，andheneverrealizedhowfarhisideaswouldhelptooverthrowmyestimationofthatart。HisnamewasFirminusandhehadreceivedaliberaleducationandwasacultivatedrhetorician。Itsohappenedthatheconsultedme，asoneverydeartohim，astowhatIthoughtaboutsomeaffairsofhisinwhichhisworldlyhopeshadrisen，viewedinthelightofhisso-calledhoroscope。AlthoughIhadnowbeguntolearninthismattertowardNebridius’opinion，Ididnotquitedeclinetospeculateaboutthematterortotellhimwhatthoughtsstillcameintomyirresolutemind，althoughIdidaddthatIwasalmostpersuadednowthatthesewerebutemptyandridiculousfollies。Hethentoldmethathisfatherhadbeenverymuchinterestedinsuchbooks，andthathehadafriendwhowasasmuchinterestedinthemashewashimself。They，incombinedstudyandconsultation，fannedtheflameoftheiraffectionforthisfolly，goingsofarastoobservethemomentwhenthedumbanimalswhichbelongedtotheirhouseholdgavebirthtoyoung，andthenobservedthepositionoftheheavenswithregardtothem，soastogatherfreshevidenceforthisso-calledart。Moreover，hereportedthathisfatherhadtoldhimthat，atthesametimehismotherwasabouttogivebirthtohim[Firminus]，afemaleslaveofafriendofhisfather’swasalsopregnant。Thiscouldnotbehiddenfromhermaster，whokeptrecordswiththemostdiligentexactnessofthebirthdatesevenofhisdogs。Andsoithappenedtopassthat——underthemostcarefulobservations，oneforhiswifeandtheotherforhisservant，withexactcalculationsofthedays，hours，andminutes——bothwomenweredeliveredatthesamemoment，sothatbothwerecompelledtocasttheselfsamehoroscope，downtotheminute:theoneforhisson，theotherforhisyoungslave。Forassoonasthewomenbegantobeinlabor，theyeachsentwordtotheotherastowhatwashappeningintheirrespectivehousesandhadmessengersreadytodispatchtooneanotherassoonastheyhadinformationoftheactualbirth——andeach，ofcourse，knewinstantlytheexacttime。Itturnedout，Firminussaid，thatthemessengersfromtherespectivehousesmetoneanotheratapointequidistantfromeitherhouse，sothatneitherofthemcoulddiscernanydifferenceeitherinthepositionofthestarsoranyotherofthemostminutepoints。AndyetFirminus，borninahighestateinhisparents’house，ranhiscoursethroughtheprosperouspathsofthisworld，wasincreasedinwealth，andelevatedtohonors。Atthesametime，theslave，theyokeofhisconditionbeingstillunrelaxed，continuedtoservehismastersasFirminus，whoknewhim，wasabletoreport。 9。Uponhearingandbelievingthesethingsrelatedbysoreliableapersonallmyresistancemeltedaway。First，I endeavoredtoreclaimFirminushimselffromhissuperstitionbytellinghimthatafterinspectinghishoroscope，Iought，ifI couldforetelltruly，tohaveseeninitparentseminentamongtheirneighbors，anoblefamilyinitsowncity，agoodbirth，apropereducation，andliberallearning。Butifthatservanthadconsultedmewiththesamehoroscope，sincehehadthesameone，I oughtagaintotellhimlikewisetrulythatIsawinitthelowlinessofhisorigin，theabjectnessofhiscondition，andeverythingelsedifferentandcontrarytotheformerprediction。 If，then，bycastingupthesamehoroscopesIshould，inordertospeakthetruth，makecontraryanalyses，orelsespeakfalselyifImadeidenticalreadings，thensurelyitfollowedthatwhateverwastrulyforetoldbytheanalysisofthehoroscopeswasnotbyart，butbychance。Andwhateverwassaidfalselywasnotfromincompetenceintheart，butfromtheerrorofchance。 10。Anopeningbeingthusmadeinmydarkness，Ibegantoconsiderotherimplicationsinvolvedhere。Supposethatoneofthefools——whofollowedsuchanoccupationandwhomIlongedtoassail，andtoreducetoconfusion——shouldurgeagainstmethatFirminushadgivenmefalseinformation，orthathisfatherhadinformedhimfalsely。Ithenturnedmythoughtstothosethatareborntwins，whogenerallycomeoutofthewombsoneartheonetotheotherthattheshortintervalbetweenthem——whateverimportancetheymayascribetoitinthenatureofthings—— cannotbenotedbyhumanobservationorexpressedinthosetableswhichtheastrologerusestoexaminewhenheundertakestopronouncethetruth。Butsuchpronouncementscannotbetrue。Forlookingintothesamehoroscopes，hemusthaveforetoldthesamefutureforEsauandJacob，[181]whereasthesamefuturedidnotturnoutforthem。Hemustthereforespeakfalsely。Ifheistospeaktruly，thenhemustreadcontrarypredictionsintothesamehoroscopes。Butthiswouldmeanthatitwasnotbyart，butbychance，thathewouldspeaktruly。 Forthou，OLord，mostrighteousruleroftheuniverse，dostworkbyasecretimpulse——whetherthosewhoinquireorthoseinquiredofknowitornot——sothattheinquirermayhearwhat，accordingtothesecretmeritofhissoul，heoughttohearfromthedeepsofthyrighteousjudgment。Thereforeletnomansaytothee，”Whatisthis？”or，”Whyisthat？”Lethimnotspeakthus，forheisonlyaman。 CHAPTERVII 11。Bynow，OmyHelper，thouhadstfreedmefromthosefetters。ButstillIinquired，”Whenceisevil？”——andfoundnoanswer。Butthoudidstnotallowmetobecarriedawayfromthefaithbythesefluctuationsofthought。Istillbelievedboththatthoudostexistandthatthysubstanceisimmutable，andthatthoudostcareforandwiltjudgeallmen，andthatinChrist，thySonourLord，andtheHolyScriptures，whichtheauthorityofthyCatholicChurchpressedonme，thouhastplannedthewayofman’ssalvationtothatlifewhichistocomeafterthisdeath。 Withtheseconvictionssafeandimmovablysettledinmymind，Ieagerlyinquired，”Whenceisevil？”Whattormentsdidmytravailingheartthenendure！Whatsighs，OmyGod！YeteventhenthyearswereopenandIknewitnot，andwheninstillnessI soughtearnestly，thosesilentcontritionsofmysoulwereloudcriestothymercy。Nomanknew，butthouknewestwhatIendured。 HowlittleofitcouldIexpressinwordstotheearsofmydearestfriends！Howcouldthewholetumultofmysoul，forwhichneithertimenorspeechwassufficient，cometothem？Yetthewholeofitwentintothyears，allofwhichIbellowedoutintheanguishofmyheart。Mydesirewasbeforethee，andthelightofmyeyeswasnotwithme；foritwaswithinandIwaswithout。Norwasthatlightinanyplace；butIstillkeptthinkingonlyofthingsthatarecontainedinaplace，andcouldfindamongthemnoplacetorestin。TheydidnotreceivemeinsuchawaythatI couldsay，”Itissufficient；itiswell。”Nordidtheyallowmetoturnbacktowhereitmightbewellenoughwithme。ForIwashigherthanthey，thoughlowerthanthou。ThouartmytruejoyifIdependuponthee，andthouhadstsubjectedtomewhatthoudidstcreatelowerthanI。Andthiswasthetruemeanandmiddlewayofsalvationforme，tocontinueinthyimageandbyservingtheehavedominionoverthebody。ButwhenIliftedmyselfproudlyagainstthee，and”ranagainsttheLord，evenagainsthisneck，withthethickbossesofmybuckler，”[182]eventhelowerthingswereplacedabovemeandpresseddownonme，sothattherewasnorespiteorbreathingspace。Theythrustonmysightoneveryside，incrowdsandmasses，andwhenItriedtothink，theimagesofbodiesobtrudedthemselvesintomywaybacktothee，asiftheywouldsaytome，”Whereareyougoing，unworthyanduncleanone？” Andallthesehadsprungoutofmywound，forthouhadsthumbledthehaughtyasonethatiswounded。BymyswellingprideIwasseparatedfromthee，andmybloatedcheeksblindedmyeyes。 CHAPTERVIII 12。Butthou，OLord，artforeverthesame，yetthouartnotforeverangrywithus，forthouhastcompassiononourdustandashes。[183]Itwaspleasinginthysighttoreformmydeformity，andbyinwardstingsthoudidstdisturbmesothatIwasimpatientuntilthouwertmadecleartomyinwardsight。Bythesecrethandofthyhealingmyswellingwaslessened，thedisorderedanddarkenedeyesightofmymindwasfromdaytodaymadewholebythestingingsalveofwholesomegrief。 CHAPTERIX 13。Andfirstofall，willingtoshowmehowthoudost”resisttheproud，butgivegracetothehumble，”[184]andhowmercifullythouhastmadeknowntomenthewayofhumilityinthatthyWord”wasmadefleshanddweltamongmen，”[185]thoudidstprocureforme，throughoneinflatedwiththemostmonstrouspride，certainbooksofthePlatonists，translatedfromGreekintoLatin。[186]AndthereinIfound，notindeedinthesamewords，buttotheselfsameeffect，enforcedbymanyandvariousreasonsthat”inthebeginningwastheWord，andtheWordwaswithGod，andtheWordwasGod。ThesamewasinthebeginningwithGod。 Allthingsweremadebyhim；andwithouthimwasnotanythingmadethatwasmade。”Thatwhichwasmadebyhimis”life，andthelifewasthelightofmen。Andthelightshinedindarkness；andthedarknesscomprehendeditnot。”Furthermore，Ireadthatthesoulofman，thoughit”bearswitnesstothelight，”yetitself”isnotthelight；buttheWordofGod，beingGod，isthattruelightthatlightseverymanwhocomesintotheworld。”Andfurther，that”hewasintheworld，andtheworldwasmadebyhim，andtheworldknewhimnot。”[187]Butthat”hecameuntohisown，andhisownreceivedhimnot。Andasmanyasreceivedhim，tothemgavehepowertobecomethesonsofGod，eventothemthatbelievedonhisname”[188]——thisIdidnotfindthere。 14。Similarly，IreadtherethatGodtheWordwasborn”notoffleshnorofblood，norofthewillofman，northewilloftheflesh，butofGod。”[189]But，that”theWordwasmadeflesh，anddweltamongus”[190]——Ifoundthisnowherethere。AndI discoveredinthosebooks，expressedinmanyandvariousways，that”theSonwasintheformofGodandthoughtitnotrobberytobeequalinGod，”[191]forhewasnaturallyofthesamesubstance。 But，that”heemptiedhimselfandtookuponhimselftheformofaservant，andwasmadeinthelikenessofmen:andbeingfoundinfashionasaman，hehumbledhimself，andbecameobedientuntodeath，eventhedeathofthecross。WhereforeGodalsohathhighlyexaltedhim”fromthedead，”andgivenhimanameaboveeveryname；thatatthenameofJesuseverykneeshouldbow，ofthingsinheaven，andthingsinearth，andthingsundertheearth； andthateverytongueshouldconfessthatJesusChristisLord，tothegloryofGodtheFather”[192]——thisthosebookshavenot。I readfurtherinthemthatbeforealltimesandbeyondalltimes，thyonlySonremainethunchangeablycoeternalwiththee，andthatofhisfullnessallsoulsreceivethattheymaybeblessed，andthatbyparticipationinthatwisdomwhichabidesinthem，theyarerenewedthattheymaybewise。But，that”induetime，Christdiedfortheungodly”andthatthou”sparedstnotthyonlySon，butdeliveredsthimupforusall”[193]——thisisnotthere。”Forthouhasthidthesethingsfromthewiseandprudent，andhastrevealedthemuntobabes”[194]；thatthey”thatlaborandareheavyladen”might”comeuntohimandhemightrefreshthem” becauseheis”meekandlowlyinheart。”[195]”Themeekwillheguideinjudgment；andthemeekwillheteachhisway；beholdingourlowlinessandourtroubleandforgivingalloursins。”[196] ButthosewhostrutinthehighbootsofwhattheydeemtobesuperiorknowledgewillnothearHimwhosays，”Learnofme，forI ammeekandlowlyinheart，andyoushallfindrestforyoursouls。”[197]Thus，thoughtheyknowGod，yettheydonotglorifyhimasGod，noraretheythankful。Therefore，they”becomevainintheirimaginations；theirfoolishheartisdarkened，andprofessingthemselvestobewisetheybecomefools。”[198] 15。And，moreover，Ialsoreadtherehow”theychangedthegloryofthyincorruptiblenatureintoidolsandvariousimages—— intoanimagemadelikecorruptiblemanandtobirdsandfour- footedbeasts，andcreepingthings”[199]:namely，intothatEgyptianfood[200]forwhichEsaulosthisbirthright；sothatthyfirst-bornpeopleworshipedtheheadofafour-footedbeastinsteadofthee，turningbackintheirheartstowardEgyptandprostratingthyimage(theirownsoul)beforetheimageofanoxthateatsgrass。ThesethingsIfoundthere，butIfednotonthem。Foritpleasedthee，OLord，totakeawaythereproachofhisminorityfromJacob，thattheeldershouldservetheyoungerandthoumightestcalltheGentiles，andIhadsoughtstrenuouslyafterthatgoldwhichthoudidstallowthypeopletotakefromEgypt，sincewhereveritwasitwasthine。[201]AndthousaidstuntotheAtheniansbythemouthofthyapostlethatinthee”weliveandmoveandhaveourbeing，”asoneoftheirownpoetshadsaid。[202]Andtrulythesebookscamefromthere。ButIdidnotsetmymindontheidolsofEgyptwhichtheyfashionedofgold，”changingthetruthofGodintoalieandworshipingandservingthecreaturemorethantheCreator。”[203] CHAPTERX 16。Andbeingadmonishedbythesebookstoreturnintomyself，Ienteredintomyinwardsoul，guidedbythee。ThisI coulddobecausethouwastmyhelper。AndIentered，andwiththeeyeofmysoul——suchasitwas——sawabovethesameeyeofmysoulandabovemymindtheImmutableLight。Itwasnotthecommonlight，whichallfleshcansee；norwasitsimplyagreateroneofthesamesort，asifthelightofdayweretogrowbrighterandbrighter，andfloodallspace。Itwasnotlikethatlight，butdifferent，yea，verydifferentfromallearthlylightwhatever。 Norwasitabovemymindinthesamewayasoilisabovewater，orheavenaboveearth，butitwashigher，becauseitmademe，andI wasbelowit，becauseIwasmadebyit。HewhoknowstheTruthknowsthatLight，andhewhoknowsitknowseternity。Loveknowsit，OEternalTruthandTrueLoveandBelovedEternity！ThouartmyGod，towhomIsighbothnightandday。WhenIfirstknewthee，thoudidstliftmeup，thatImightseethattherewassomethingtobeseen，thoughIwasnotyetfittoseeit。Andthoudidstbeatbacktheweaknessofmysight，shiningforthuponmethydazzlingbeamsoflight，andItrembledwithloveandfear。 IrealizedthatIwasfarawayfromtheeinthelandofunlikeness，asifIheardthyvoicefromonhigh:”Iamthefoodofstrongmen；growandyoushallfeedonme；norshallyouchangeme，likethefoodofyourfleshintoyourself，butyoushallbechangedintomylikeness。”AndIunderstoodthatthouchastenestmanforhisiniquity，andmakestmysoultobeeatenawayasthoughbyaspider。[204]AndIsaid，”IsTruth，therefore，nothing，becauseitisnotdiffusedthroughspace——neitherfinitenorinfinite？”Andthoudidstcrytomefromafar，”IamthatIam。”[205]AndIheardthis，asthingsareheardintheheart，andtherewasnoroomfordoubt。IshouldhavemorereadilydoubtedthatIamalivethanthattheTruthexists——theTruthwhichis”clearlyseen，beingunderstoodbythethingsthataremade。”[206] CHAPTERXI 17。AndIviewedalltheotherthingsthatarebeneaththee，andIrealizedthattheyareneitherwhollyrealnorwhollyunreal。Theyarerealinsofarastheycomefromthee；buttheyareunrealinsofarastheyarenotwhatthouart。Forthatistrulyrealwhichremainsimmutable。Itisgood，then，formetoholdfasttoGod，forifIdonotremaininhim，neithershallI abideinmyself；buthe，remaininginhimself，renewsallthings。 AndthouarttheLordmyGod，sincethoustandestinnoneedofmygoodness。 CHAPTERXII 18。Anditwasmadecleartomethatallthingsaregoodeveniftheyarecorrupted。Theycouldnotbecorruptediftheyweresupremelygood；butunlesstheyweregoodtheycouldnotbecorrupted。Iftheyweresupremelygood，theywouldbeincorruptible；iftheywerenotgoodatall，therewouldbenothinginthemtobecorrupted。Forcorruptionharms；butunlessitcoulddiminishgoodness，itcouldnotharm。Either，then，corruptiondoesnotharm——whichcannotbe——or，asiscertain，allthatiscorruptedistherebydeprivedofgood。Butiftheyaredeprivedofallgood，theywillceasetobe。Foriftheyareatallandcannotbeatallcorrupted，theywillbecomebetter，becausetheywillremainincorruptible。Nowwhatcanbemoremonstrousthantomaintainthatbylosingallgoodtheyhavebecomebetter？If，then，theyaredeprivedofallgood，theywillceasetoexist。Solongastheyare，therefore，theyaregood。 Therefore，whatsoeveris，isgood。Evil，then，theoriginofwhichIhadbeenseeking，hasnosubstanceatall；forifitwereasubstance，itwouldbegood。Foreitheritwouldbeanincorruptiblesubstanceandsoasupremegood，oracorruptiblesubstance，whichcouldnotbecorruptedunlessitweregood。I understood，therefore，anditwasmadecleartomethatthoumadestallthingsgood，noristhereanysubstanceatallnotmadebythee。Andbecauseallthatthoumadestisnotequal，eachbyitselfisgood，andthesumofallofthemisverygood，forourGodmadeallthingsverygood。[207] CHAPTERXIII 19。Totheethereisnosuchthingasevil，andeveninthywholecreationtakenasawhole，thereisnot；becausethereisnothingfrombeyonditthatcanburstinanddestroytheorderwhichthouhastappointedforit。Butinthepartsofcreation，somethings，becausetheydonotharmonizewithothers，areconsideredevil。Yetthosesamethingsharmonizewithothersandaregood，andinthemselvesaregood。Andallthesethingswhichdonotharmonizewitheachotherstillharmonizewiththeinferiorpartofcreationwhichwecalltheearth，havingitsowncloudyandwindyskyoflikenaturewithitself。Farbeitfromme，then，tosay，”Thesethingsshouldnotbe。”ForifIcouldseenothingbutthese，Ishouldindeeddesiresomethingbetter——butstillIoughttopraisethee，ifonlyforthesecreatedthings。 Forthatthouarttobepraisedisshownfromthefactthat”earth，dragons，andalldeeps；fire，andhail，snowandvapors，stormywindsfulfillingthyword；mountains，andallhills，fruitfultrees，andallcedars；beastsandallcattle；creepingthings，andflyingfowl；thingsoftheearth，andallpeople； princes，andalljudgesoftheearth；bothyoungmenandmaidens，oldmenandchildren，”[208]praisethyname！Butseeingalsothatinheavenallthyangelspraisethee，OGod，praisetheeintheheights，”andallthyhosts，sunandmoon，allstarsandlight，theheavensofheavens，andthewatersthatareabovetheheavens，”[209]praisethyname——seeingthis，Isay，Inolongerdesireabetterworld，becausemythoughtrangedoverall，andwithasounderjudgmentIreflectedthatthethingsabovewerebetterthanthosebelow，yetthatallcreationtogetherwasbetterthanthehigherthingsalone。 CHAPTERXIV 20。Thereisnohealthinthosewhofindfaultwithanypartofthycreation；astherewasnohealthinmewhenIfoundfaultwithsomanyofthyworks。And，becausemysouldarednotbedispleasedwithmyGod，itwouldnotallowthatthethingswhichdispleasedmewerefromthee。Henceithadwanderedintothenotionoftwosubstances，andcouldfindnorest，buttalkedfoolishly，Andturningfromthaterror，ithadthenmadeforitselfagodextendedthroughinfinitespace；anditthoughtthiswasthouandsetitupinitsheart，anditbecameoncemorethetempleofitsownidol，anabominationtothee。Butthoudidstsoothemybrain，thoughIwasunawareofit，andclosedmyeyeslesttheyshouldbeholdvanity；andthusIceasedfrompreoccupationwithselfbyalittleandmymadnesswaslulledtosleep；andIawokeinthee，andbeheldtheeastheInfinite，butnotinthewayIhadthought——andthisvisionwasnotderivedfromtheflesh。 CHAPTERXV 21。AndIlookedaroundatotherthings，andIsawthatitwastotheethatallofthemowedtheirbeing，andthattheywereallfiniteinthee；yettheyareintheenotasinaspace，butbecausethouholdestallthingsinthehandofthytruth，andbecauseallthingsaretrueinsofarastheyare；andbecausefalsehoodisnothingexcepttheexistenceinthoughtofwhatdoesnotexistinfact。AndIsawthatallthingsharmonize，notonlyintheirplacesbutalsointheirseasons。AndIsawthatthou，whoalonearteternal，didstnot_begin_toworkafterunnumberedperiodsoftime——becauseallages，boththosewhicharepastandthosewhichshallpass，neithergonorcomeexceptthroughthyworkingandabiding。 CHAPTERXVI 22。AndIsawandfounditnomarvelthatbreadwhichisdistastefultoanunhealthypalateispleasanttoahealthyone； orthatthelight，whichispainfultosoreeyes，isadelighttosoundones。Thyrighteousnessdispleasesthewicked，andtheyfindevenmorefaultwiththeviperandthelittleworm，whichthouhastcreatedgood，fittinginastheydowiththeinferiorpartsofcreation。Thewickedthemselvesalsofitinhere，andproportionatelymoresoastheybecomeunlikethee——buttheyharmonizewiththehighercreationproportionatelyastheybecomelikethee。AndIaskedwhatwickednesswas，andIfoundthatitwasnosubstance，butaperversionofthewillbentasidefromthee，OGod，thesupremesubstance，towardtheselowerthings，castingawayitsinmosttreasureandbecomingbloatedwithexternalgood。[210] CHAPTERXVII 23。AndImarveledthatInowlovedthee，andnofantasminthystead，andyetIwasnotstableenoughtoenjoymyGodsteadily。InsteadIwastransportedtotheebythybeauty，andthenpresentlytornawayfromtheebymyownweight，sinkingwithgriefintotheselowerthings。Thisweightwascarnalhabit。Butthymemorydweltwithme，andIneverdoubtedintheleastthattherewasOneformetocleaveto；butIwasnotyetreadytocleavetotheefirmly。Forthebodywhichiscorruptedpressesdownthesoul，andtheearthlydwellingweighsdownthemind，whichmusesuponmanythings。[211]Mygreatestcertaintywasthat”theinvisiblethingsofthinefromthecreationoftheworldareclearlyseen，beingunderstoodbythethingsthataremade，eventhyeternalpowerandGodhead。”[212]ForwhenIinquiredhowitwasthatIcouldappreciatethebeautyofbodies，bothcelestialandterrestrial；andwhatitwasthatsupportedmeinmakingcorrectjudgmentsaboutthingsmutable；andwhenIconcluded，”Thisoughttobethus；thisoughtnot”——_then_whenIinquiredhowitwasthatIcouldmakesuchjudgments(sinceIdid，infact，makethem)，IrealizedthatIhadfoundtheunchangeableandtrueeternityoftruthabovemychangeablemind。 AndthusbydegreesIwasledupwardfrombodiestothesoulwhichperceivesthembymeansofthebodilysenses，andfromthereontothesoul’sinwardfaculty，towhichthebodilysensesreportoutwardthings——andthisbelongseventothecapacitiesofthebeasts——andthenceonuptothereasoningpower，towhosejudgmentisreferredtheexperiencereceivedfromthebodilysense。Andwhenthispowerofreasonwithinmealsofoundthatitwaschangeable，itraiseditselfuptoitsownintellectualprinciple，[213]andwithdrewitsthoughtsfromexperience，abstractingitselffromthecontradictorythrongoffantasmsinordertoseekforthatlightinwhichitwasbathed。Then，withoutanydoubting，itcriedoutthattheunchangeablewasbetterthanthechangeable。Fromthisitfollowsthatthemindsomehowknewtheunchangeable，for，unlessithadknownitinsomefashion，itcouldhavehadnosuregroundforpreferringittothechangeable。Andthuswiththeflashofatremblingglance，itarrivedat_thatwhichis_。[214]AndIsawthyinvisibility[invisibiliatua]understoodbymeansofthethingsthataremade。 ButIwasnotabletosustainmygaze。Myweaknesswasdashedback，andIlapsedagainintomyaccustomedways，carryingalongwithmenothingbutalovingmemoryofmyvision，andanappetiteforwhatIhad，asitwere，smelledtheodorof，butwasnotyetabletoeat。 CHAPTERXVIII 24。Isought，therefore，somewaytoacquirethestrengthsufficienttoenjoythee；butIdidnotfindituntilIembracedthat”MediatorbetweenGodandman，themanChristJesus，”[215]”whoisoverall，Godblessedforever，”[216]whocamecallingandsaying，”Iamtheway，thetruth，andthelife，”[217]andminglingwithourfleshlyhumanitytheheavenlyfoodIwasunabletoreceive。For”theWordwasmadeflesh”inorderthatthywisdom，bywhichthoudidstcreateallthings，mightbecomemilkforourinfancy。And，asyet，IwasnothumbleenoughtoholdthehumbleJesus；nordidIunderstandwhatlessonhisweaknesswasmeanttoteachus。ForthyWord，theeternalTruth，farexaltedaboveeventhehigherpartsofthycreation，liftshissubjectsuptowardhimself。Butinthislowerworld，hebuiltforhimselfahumblehabitationofourownclay，sothathemightpulldownfromthemselvesandwinovertohimselfthosewhomheistobringsubjecttohim；loweringtheirprideandheighteningtheirlove，totheendthattheymightgoonnofartherinself-confidence—— butrathershouldbecomeweak，seeingattheirfeettheDeitymadeweakbysharingourcoatsofskin——sothattheymightcastthemselves，exhausted，uponhimandbeupliftedbyhisrising。 CHAPTERXIX 25。ButIthoughtotherwise。IsawinourLordChristonlyamanofeminentwisdomtowhomnoothermancouldbecompared—— especiallybecausehewasmiraculouslybornofavirgin——senttosetusanexampleofdespisingworldlythingsfortheattainmentofimmortality，andthusexhibitinghisdivinecareforus。 Becauseofthis，Iheldthathehadmeritedhisgreatauthorityasleader。Butconcerningthemysterycontainedin”theWordwasmadeflesh，”Icouldnotevenformanotion。FromwhatIlearnedfromwhathasbeenhandeddowntousinthebooksabouthim—— thatheate，drank，slept，walked，rejoicedinspirit，wassad，anddiscoursedwithhisfellows——IrealizedthathisfleshalonewasnotbounduntothyWord，butalsothattherewasabondwiththehumansoulandbody。EveryoneknowsthiswhoknowstheunchangeablenessofthyWord，andthisIknewbynow，asfarasI wasable，andIhadnodoubtsatallaboutit。Foratonetimetomovethelimbsbyanactofwill，atanothertimenot；atonetimetofeelsomeemotion，atanothertimenot；atonetimetospeakintelligiblythroughverbalsigns，atanother，not——theseareallpropertiesofasoulandmindsubjecttochange。Andifthesethingswerefalselywrittenabouthim，alltherestwouldrisktheimputationoffalsehood，andtherewouldremaininthosebooksnosavingfaithforthehumanrace。 Therefore，becausetheywerewrittentruthfully，I acknowledgedaperfectmantobeinChrist——notthebodyofamanonly，nor，inthebody，ananimalsoulwithoutarationaloneaswell，butatrueman。AndthismanIheldtobesuperiortoallothers，notonlybecausehewasaformoftheTruth，butalsobecauseofthegreatexcellenceandperfectionofhishumannature，duetohisparticipationinwisdom。 Alypius，ontheotherhand，supposedtheCatholicstobelievethatGodwassoclothedwithfleshthatbesidesGodandthefleshtherewasnosoulinChrist，andhedidnotthinkthatahumanmindwasascribedtohim。[218]Andbecausehewasfullypersuadedthattheactionsrecordedofhimcouldnothavebeenperformedexceptbyalivingrationalcreature，hemovedthemoreslowlytowardChristianfaith。[219]ButwhenhelaterlearnedthatthiswastheerroroftheApollinarianheretics，herejoicedintheCatholicfaithandacceptedit。Formyself，ImustconfessthatitwasevenlaterthatIlearnedhowinthesentence，”TheWordwasmadeflesh，”theCatholictruthcanbedistinguishedfromthefalsehoodofPhotinus。Fortherefutationofheretics[220]makesthetenetsofthyChurchandsounddoctrinetostandoutboldly。”Fortheremustalsobeheresies[factions]thatthosewhoareapprovedmaybemademanifestamongtheweak。”[221] CHAPTERXX 26。ByhavingthusreadthebooksofthePlatonists，andhavingbeentaughtbythemtosearchfortheincorporealTruth，I sawhowthyinvisiblethingsareunderstoodthroughthethingsthataremade。And，evenwhenIwasthrownback，Istillsensedwhatitwasthatthedullnessofmysoulwouldnotallowmetocontemplate。Iwasassuredthatthouwast，andwastinfinite，thoughnotdiffusedinfinitespaceorinfinity；thatthoutrulyart，whoarteverthesame，varyingneitherinpartnormotion； andthatallthingsarefromthee，asisprovedbythissurecausealone:thattheyexist。 OfallthisIwasconvinced，yetIwastooweaktoenjoythee。IchatteredawayasifIwereanexpert；butifIhadnotsoughtthyWayinChristourSaviour，myknowledgewouldhaveturnedouttobenotinstructionbutdestruction。[222]Fornowfullofwhatwasinfactmypunishment，Ihadbeguntodesiretoseemwise。Ididnotmournmyignorance，butratherwaspuffedupwithknowledge。Forwherewasthatlovewhichbuildsuponthefoundationofhumility，whichisJesusChrist？[223]Or，whenwouldthesebooksteachmethis？InowbelievethatitwasthypleasurethatIshouldfalluponthesebooksbeforeIstudiedthyScriptures，thatitmightbeimpressedonmymemoryhowIwasaffectedbythem；andthenafterward，whenIwassubduedbythyScripturesandwhenmywoundsweretouchedbythyhealingfingers，Imightdiscernanddistinguishwhatadifferencethereisbetweenpresumptionandconfession——betweenthosewhosawwheretheyweretogoeveniftheydidnotseetheway，andtheWaywhichleads，notonlytotheobserving，butalsotheinhabitingoftheblessedcountry。ForhadIfirstbeenmoldedinthyHolyScriptures，andifthouhadstgrownsweettomethroughmyfamiliaruseofthem，andifthenIhadafterwardfallenonthosevolumes，theymighthavepushedmeoffthesolidgroundofgodliness——orifIhadstoodfirminthatwholesomedispositionwhichIhadthereacquired，Imighthavethoughtthatwisdomcouldbeattainedbythestudyofthose[Platonist]booksalone。 CHAPTERXXI 27。Withgreateagerness，then，IfasteneduponthevenerablewritingsofthySpiritandprincipallyupontheapostlePaul。IhadthoughtthathesometimescontradictedhimselfandthatthetextofhisteachingdidnotagreewiththetestimoniesoftheLawandtheProphets；butnowallthesedoubtsvanishedaway。AndIsawthatthosepurewordshadbutoneface，andI learnedtorejoicewithtrembling。SoIbegan，andIfoundthatwhatevertruthIhadread[inthePlatonists]washerecombinedwiththeexaltationofthygrace。Thus，hewhoseesmustnotgloryasifhehadnotreceived，notonlythethingsthathesees，buttheverypowerofsight——forwhatdoeshehavethathehasnotreceivedasagift？Bythisheisnotonlyexhortedtosee，butalsotobecleansed，thathemaygraspthee，whoarteverthesame；andthushewhocannotseetheeafaroffmayyetenterupontheroadthatleadstoreaching，seeing，andpossessingthee。Foralthoughamanmay”delightinthelawofGodaftertheinwardman，”whatshallhedowiththatother”lawinhismemberswhichwarsagainstthelawofhismind，andbringshimintocaptivityunderthelawofsin，whichisinhismembers”？[224]Thouartrighteous，OLord；butwehavesinnedandcommittediniquities，andhavedonewickedly。Thyhandhasgrownheavyuponus，andwearejustlydeliveredovertothatancientsinner，thelordofdeath。Forhepersuadedourwillstobecomelikehiswill，bywhichheremainednotinthytruth。Whatshall”wretchedman”do？”Whoshalldeliverhimfromthebodyofthisdeath，”[225]exceptthygracethroughJesusChristourLord；whomthouhastbegotten，coeternalwiththyself，anddidstcreateinthebeginningofthyways[226]——inwhomtheprinceofthisworldfoundnothingworthyofdeath，yethekilledhim——andsothehandwritingwhichwasallagainstuswasblottedout？ ThebooksofthePlatoniststellnothingofthis。Theirpagesdonotcontaintheexpressionofthiskindofgodliness—— thetearsofconfession，thysacrifice，atroubledspirit，abrokenandacontriteheart，thesalvationofthypeople，theespousedCity，theearnestoftheHolySpirit，thecupofourredemption。Inthem，nomansings:”ShallnotmysoulbesubjectuntoGod，forfromhimcomesmysalvation？HeismyGodandmysalvation，mydefender；Ishallnomorebemoved。”[227]Inthem，noonehearshimcalling，”Comeuntomeallyouwholabor。”Theyscorntolearnofhimbecauseheis”meekandlowlyofheart”；for”thouhasthiddenthosethingsfromthewiseandprudent，andhastrevealedthemuntobabes。”Foritisonethingtoseethelandofpeacefromawoodedmountaintop:andfailtofindthewaythither——toattemptimpassablewaysinvain，opposedandwaylaidbyfugitivesanddesertersundertheircaptain，the”lion”and”dragon”[228]；butitisquiteanotherthingtokeeptothehighwaythatleadsthither，guardedbythehostsoftheheavenlyEmperor，onwhichtherearenodesertersfromtheheavenlyarmytorobthepassers-by，fortheyshunitasatorment。[229]Thesethoughtssankwondrouslyintomyheart，whenIreadthat”leastofthyapostles”[230]andwhenIhadconsideredallthyworksandtrembled。 BOOKEIGHT ConversiontoChrist。AugustineisdeeplyimpressedbySimplicianus’storyoftheconversiontoChristofthefamousoratorandphilosopher，MariusVictorinus。Heisstirredtoemulatehim，butfindshimselfstillenchainedbyhisincontinenceandpreoccupationwithworldlyaffairs。Heisthenvisitedbyacourtofficial，Ponticianus，whotellshimandAlypiusthestoriesoftheconversionofAnthonyandalsooftwoimperial”secretserviceagents。”Thesestoriesthrowhimintoaviolentturmoil，inwhichhisdividedwillstrugglesagainsthimself。Healmostsucceedsinmakingthedecisionforcontinence，butisstillheldback。Finally，achild’ssong，overheardbychance，sendshimtotheBible；atextfromPaulresolvesthecrisis；theconversionisafact。Alypiusalsomakeshisdecision，andthetwoinformtherejoicingMonica。