第5章

CHAPTERI 1。OmyGod，letmerememberwithgratitudeandconfesstotheethymerciestowardme。Letmybonesbebathedinthylove，andletthemsay:”Lord，whoislikeuntothee？[231]Thouhastbrokenmybondsinsunder，Iwillofferuntotheethesacrificeofthanksgiving。”[232]AndhowthoudidstbreakthemIwilldeclare，andallwhoworshiptheeshallsay，whentheyhearthesethings:”BlessedbetheLordinheavenandearth，greatandwonderfulishisname。”[233] Thywordshadstuckfastinmybreast，andIwashedgedroundaboutbytheeoneveryside。OfthyeternallifeIwasnowcertain，althoughIhadseenit”throughaglassdarkly。”[234] AndIhadbeenrelievedofalldoubtthatthereisanincorruptiblesubstanceandthatitisthesourceofeveryothersubstance。NordidIanylongercravegreatercertaintyaboutthee，butrathergreatersteadfastnessinthee。 Butasformytemporallife，everythingwasuncertain，andmyhearthadtobepurgedoftheoldleaven。”TheWay”——theSaviourhimself——pleasedmewell，butasyetIwasreluctanttopassthroughthestraitgate。 Andthoudidstputitintomymind，anditseemedgoodinmyownsight，togotoSimplicianus，whoappearedtomeafaithfulservantofthine，andthygraceshoneforthinhim。Ihadalsobeentoldthatfromhisyouthuphehadlivedinentiredevotiontothee。Hewasalreadyanoldman，andbecauseofhisgreatage，whichhehadpassedinsuchazealousdiscipleshipinthyway，heappearedtomelikelytohavegainedmuchwisdom——and，indeed，hehad。Fromallhisexperience，Idesiredhimtotellme—— settingbeforehimallmyagitations——whichwouldbethemostfittingwayforonewhofeltasIdidtowalkinthyway。 2。ForIsawtheChurchfull；andonemanwasgoingthiswayandanotherthat。Still，IcouldnotbesatisfiedwiththelifeI waslivingintheworld。Now，indeed，mypassionshadceasedtoexcitemeasofoldwithhopesofhonorandwealth，anditwasagrievousburdentogooninsuchservitude。For，comparedwiththysweetnessandthebeautyofthyhouse——whichIloved—— thosethingsdelightedmenolonger。ButIwasstilltightlyboundbytheloveofwomen；nordidtheapostleforbidmetomarry，althoughheexhortedmetosomethingbetter，wishingearnestlythatallmenwereashehimselfwas。 ButIwasweakandchosetheeasierway，andforthissinglereasonmywholelifewasoneofinnerturbulenceandlistlessindecision，becausefromsomanyinfluencesIwascompelled—— eventhoughunwilling——toagreetoamarriedlifewhichboundmehandandfoot。IhadheardfromthemouthofTruththat”thereareeunuchswhohavemadethemselveseunuchsfortheKingdomofHeaven’ssake”[235]but，saidhe，”Hethatisabletoreceiveit，lethimreceiveit。”Ofacertainty，allmenarevainwhodonothavetheknowledgeofGod，orhavenotbeenable，fromthegoodthingsthatareseen，tofindhimwhoisgood。ButIwasnolongerfetteredinthatvanity。Ihadsurmountedit，andfromtheunitedtestimonyofthywholecreationhadfoundthee，ourCreator，andthyWord——Godwiththee，andtogetherwiththeeandtheHolySpirit，oneGod——bywhomthouhastcreatedallthings。 Thereisstillanothersortofwickedmen，who”whentheyknewGod，theyglorifiedhimnotasGod，neitherwerethankful。”[236] IntothisalsoIhadfallen，butthyrighthandheldmeupandboremeaway，andthoudidstplacemewhereImightrecover。Forthouhastsaidtomen，”BeholdthefearoftheLord，thisiswisdom，”[237]and，”Benotwiseinyourowneyes，”[238]because”theythatprofessthemselvestobewisebecomefools。”[239]ButIhadnowfoundthegoodlypearl；andIoughttohavesoldallthatIhadandboughtit——yetIhesitated。 CHAPTERII 3。Iwent，therefore，toSimplicianus，thespiritualfatherofAmbrose(thenabishop)，whomAmbrosetrulylovedasafather。 Irecountedtohimallthemazesofmywanderings，butwhenI mentionedtohimthatIhadreadcertainbooksofthePlatonistswhichVictorinus——formerlyprofessorofrhetoricatRome，whodiedaChristian，asIhadbeentold——hadtranslatedintoLatin，SimplicianuscongratulatedmethatIhadnotfallenuponthewritingsofotherphilosophers，whichwerefulloffallaciesanddeceit，”afterthebeggarlyelementsofthisworld，”[240]whereasinthePlatonists，ateveryturn，thepathwayledtobeliefinGodandhisWord。 Then，toencouragemetocopythehumilityofChrist，whichishiddenfromthewiseandrevealedtobabes，hetoldmeaboutVictorinushimself，whomhehadknownintimatelyatRome。AndI cannotrefrainfromrepeatingwhathetoldmeabouthim。Foritcontainsagloriousproofofthygrace，whichoughttobeconfessedtothee:howthatoldman，mostlearned，mostskilledinalltheliberalarts；whohadread，criticized，andexplainedsomanyofthewritingsofthephilosophers；theteacherofsomanynoblesenators；onewho，asamarkofhisdistinguishedserviceinofficehadbothmeritedandobtainedastatueintheRomanForum——whichmenofthisworldesteemagreathonor——thismanwho，uptoanadvancedage，hadbeenaworshiperofidols，acommunicantinthesacrilegiousritestowhichalmostallthenobilityofRomewerewedded；andwhohadinspiredthepeoplewiththeloveofOsirisand”ThedogAnubis，andamedleycrewOfmonstergodswho’gainstNeptunestandinarms’GainstVenusandMinerva，steel-cladMars，”[241] whomRomeonceconquered，andnowworshiped；allofwhicholdVictorinushadwiththunderingeloquencedefendedforsomanyyears——despiteallthis，hedidnotblushtobecomeachildofthyChrist，ababeatthyfont，bowinghisnecktotheyokeofhumilityandsubmittinghisforeheadtotheignominyofthecross。 4。OLord，Lord，”whodidstbowtheheavensanddidstdescend，whodidsttouchthemountainsandtheysmoked，”[242]bywhatmeansdidstthoufindthywayintothatbreast？HeusedtoreadtheHolyScriptures，asSimplicianussaid，andthoughtoutandstudiedalltheChristianwritingsmoststudiously。HesaidtoSimplicianus——notopenlybutsecretlyasafriend——”YoumustknowthatIamaChristian。”TowhichSimplicianusreplied，”Ishallnotbelieveit，norshallIcountyouamongtheChristians，untilIseeyouintheChurchofChrist。”Victorinusthenasked，withmildmockery，”IsitthenthewallsthatmakeChristians？”ThusheoftenwouldaffirmthathewasalreadyaChristian，andasoftenSimplicianusmadethesameanswer；andjustasoftenhisjestaboutthewallswasrepeated。Hewasfearfulofoffendinghisfriends，prouddemonworshipers，fromtheheightofwhoseBabyloniandignity，asfromthetopsofthecedarsofLebanonwhichtheLordhadnotyetbrokendown，hefearedthatastormofenmitywoulddescenduponhim。 Buthesteadilygainedstrengthfromreadingandinquiry，andcametofearlestheshouldbedeniedbyChristbeforetheholyangelsifhenowwasafraidtoconfesshimbeforemen。Thushecametoappeartohimselfguiltyofagreatfault，inbeingashamedofthesacramentsofthehumilityofthyWord，whenhewasnotashamedofthesacrilegiousritesofthoseprouddemons，whosepridehehadimitatedandwhoseriteshehadshared。Fromthishebecamebold-facedagainstvanityandshamefacedtowardthetruth。 Thus，suddenlyandunexpectedly，hesaidtoSimplicianus——ashehimselftoldme——”Letusgotothechurch；IwishtobecomeaChristian。”Simplicianuswentwithhim，scarcelyabletocontainhimselfforjoy。Hewasadmittedtothefirstsacramentsofinstruction，andnotlongafterwardgaveinhisnamethathemightreceivethebaptismofregeneration。AtthisRomemarveledandtheChurchrejoiced。Theproudsawandwereenraged；theygnashedtheirteethandmeltedaway！ButtheLordGodwasthyservant’shopeandhepaidnoattentiontotheirvanityandlyingmadness。 5。Finally，whenthehourarrivedforhimtomakeapublicprofessionofhisfaith——whichatRomethosewhoareabouttoenterintothygracemakefromaplatforminthefullsightofthefaithfulpeople，inasetformofwordslearnedbyheart——thepresbytersofferedVictorinusthechancetomakehisprofessionmoreprivately，forthiswasthecustomforsomewhowerelikelytobeafraidthroughbashfulness。ButVictorinuschoserathertoprofesshissalvationinthepresenceoftheholycongregation。 Fortherewasnosalvationintherhetoricwhichhetaught:yethehadprofessedthatopenly。Why，then，shouldheshrinkfromnamingthyWordbeforethesheepofthyflock，whenhehadnotshrunkfromutteringhisownwordsbeforethemadmultitude？ So，then，whenheascendedtheplatformtomakehisprofession，everyone，astheyrecognizedhim，whisperedhisnameonetotheother，intonesofjubilation。Whowasthereamongthemthatdidnotknowhim？Andalowmurmurranthroughthemouthsofalltherejoicingmultitude:”Victorinus！Victorinus！” Therewasasuddenburstofexaltationatthesightofhim，andsuddenlytheywerehushedthattheymighthearhim。Hepronouncedthetruefaithwithanexcellentboldness，andalldesiredtotakehimtotheirveryheart——indeed，bytheirloveandjoytheydidtakehimtotheirheart。Andtheyreceivedhimwithlovingandjoyfulhands。 CHAPTERIII 6。OgoodGod，whathappensinamantomakehimrejoicemoreatthesalvationofasoulthathasbeendespairedofandthendeliveredfromgreaterdangerthanoveronewhohasneverlosthope，orneverbeeninsuchimminentdanger？Forthoualso，OmostmercifulFather，”dostrejoicemoreoveronethatrepentsthanoverninetyandninejustpersonsthatneednorepentance。”[243]Andwelistenwithmuchdelightwheneverwehearhowthelostsheepisbroughthomeagainontheshepherd’sshoulderswhiletheangelsrejoice；orwhenthepieceofmoneyisrestoredtoitsplaceinthetreasuryandtheneighborsrejoicewiththewomanwhofoundit。[244]Andthejoyofthesolemnfestivalofthyhouseconstrainsustotearswhenitisreadinthyhouse:abouttheyoungersonwho”wasdeadandisaliveagain，waslostandisfound。”Foritisthouwhorejoicestbothinusandinthyangels，whoareholythroughholylove。Forthouarteverthesamebecausethouknowestunchangeablyallthingswhichremainneitherthesamenorforever。 7。What，then，happensinthesoulwhenittakesmoredelightatfindingorhavingrestoredtoitthethingsitlovesthanifithadalwayspossessedthem？Indeed，manyotherthingsbearwitnessthatthisisso——allthingsarefullofwitnesses，cryingout，”Soitis。”Thecommandertriumphsinvictory；yethecouldnothaveconqueredifhehadnotfought；andthegreatertheperilofthebattle，themorethejoyofthetriumph。Thestormtossesthevoyagers，threatensshipwreck，andeveryoneturnspaleinthepresenceofdeath。Thentheskyandseagrowcalm，andtheyrejoiceasmuchastheyhadfeared。Alovedoneissickandhispulseindicatesdanger；allwhodesirehissafetyarethemselvessickatheart；herecovers，thoughnotableasyettowalkwithhisformerstrength；andthereismorejoynowthantherewasbeforewhenhewalkedsoundandstrong。Indeed，theverypleasuresofhumanlife——notonlythosewhichrushuponusunexpectedlyandinvoluntarily，butalsothosewhicharevoluntaryandplanned——menobtainbydifficulties。Thereisnopleasureincaringanddrinkingunlessthepainsofhungerandthirsthavepreceded。Drunkardseveneatcertainsaltmeatsinordertocreateapainfulthirst——andwhenthedrinkallaysthis，itcausespleasure。Itisalsothecustomthattheaffiancedbrideshouldnotbeimmediatelygiveninmarriagesothatthehusbandmaynotesteemheranyless，whomashisbetrothedhelongedfor。 8。Thiscanbeseeninthecaseofbaseanddishonorablepleasure。Butitisalsoapparentinpleasuresthatarepermittedandlawful:inthesincerityofhonestfriendship；andinhimwhowasdeadandlivedagain，whohadbeenlostandwasfound。Thegreaterjoyiseverywhereprecededbythegreaterpain。Whatdoesthismean，OLordmyGod，whenthouartaneverlastingjoytothyself，andsomecreaturesabouttheeareeverrejoicinginthee？ Whatdoesitmeanthatthisportionofcreationthusebbsandflows，alternatelyinwantandsatiety？Isthistheirmodeofbeingandisthisallthouhastallottedtothem:that，fromthehighestheaventothelowestearth，fromthebeginningoftheworldtotheend，fromtheangelstotheworm，fromthefirstmovementtothelast，thouwastassigningtoalltheirproperplacesandtheirproperseasons——toallthekindsofgoodthingsandtoallthyjustworks？Alas，howhighthouartinthehighestandhowdeepinthedeepest！Thouneverdepartestfromus，andyetonlywithdifficultydowereturntothee。 CHAPTERIV 9。Goon，OLord，andact:stirusupandcallusback； inflameusanddrawustothee；stirusupandgrowsweettous； letusnowlovethee，letusruntothee。Aretherenotmanymenwho，outofadeeperpitofdarknessthanthatofVictorinus，returntothee——whodrawneartotheeandareilluminatedbythatlightwhichgivesthosewhoreceiveitpowerfromtheetobecomethysons？Butiftheyarelesswell-known，eventhosewhoknowthemrejoicelessforthem。Forwhenmanyrejoicetogetherthejoyofeachoneisfuller，inthattheywarmoneanother，catchfirefromeachother；moreover，thosewhoarewell-knowninfluencemanytowardsalvationandtaketheleadwithmanytofollowthem。Therefore，eventhosewhotookthewaybeforethemrejoiceoverthemgreatly，becausetheydonotrejoiceoverthemalone。Butitoughtnevertobethatinthytabernaclethepersonsoftherichshouldbewelcomebeforethepoor，orthenoblybornbeforetherest——since”thouhastratherchosentheweakthingsoftheworldtoconfoundthestrong；andhastchosenthebasethingsoftheworldandthingsthataredespised，andthethingsthatarenot，inordertobringtonoughtthethingsthatare。”[245]Itwaseven”theleastoftheapostles”bywhosetonguethoudidstsoundforththesewords。AndwhenPaulustheproconsulhadhisprideovercomebytheonslaughtoftheapostleandhewasmadetopassundertheeasyyokeofthyChristandbecameanofficerofthegreatKing，healsodesiredtobecalledPaulinsteadofSaul，hisformername，intestimonytosuchagreatvictory。[246]Fortheenemyismoreovercomeinoneonwhomhehasagreaterhold，andwhomhehasholdofmorecompletely。 Buttheproudhecontrolsmorereadilythroughtheirconcernabouttheirrankand，throughthem，hecontrolsmorebymeansoftheirinfluence。Themore，therefore，theworldprizedtheheartofVictorinus(whichthedevilhadheldinanimpregnablestronghold) andthetongueofVictorinus(thatsharp，strongweaponwithwhichthedevilhadslainsomany)，allthemoreexultinglyshouldThysonsrejoicebecauseourKinghathboundthestrongman，andtheysawhisvesselstakenfromhimandcleansed，andmadefitforthyhonorand”profitabletotheLordforeverygoodwork。”[247] CHAPTERV 10。Nowwhenthismanofthine，Simplicianus，toldmethestoryofVictorinus，Iwaseagertoimitatehim。Indeed，thiswasSimplicianus’purposeintellingittome。Butwhenhewentontotellhow，inthereignoftheEmperorJulian，therewasalawpassedbywhichChristianswereforbiddentoteachliteratureandrhetoric；andhowVictorinus，inreadyobediencetothelaw，chosetoabandonhis”schoolofwords”ratherthanthyWord，bywhichthoumakesteloquentthetonguesofthedumb——heappearedtomenotsomuchbraveashappy，becausehehadfoundareasonforgivinghistimewhollytothee。ForthiswaswhatIwaslongingtodo；butasyetIwasboundbytheironchainofmyownwill。 Theenemyheldfastmywill，andhadmadeofitachain，andhadboundmetightwithit。Foroutoftheperversewillcamelust，andtheserviceoflustendedinhabit，andhabit，notresisted，becamenecessity。Bytheselinks，asitwere，forgedtogether—— whichiswhyIcalledit”achain”——ahardbondageheldmeinslavery。Butthatnewwillwhichhadbeguntospringupinmefreelytoworshiptheeandtoenjoythee，OmyGod，theonlycertainJoy，wasnotableasyettoovercomemyformerwillfulness，madestrongbylongindulgence。Thusmytwowills—— theoldandthenew，thecarnalandthespiritual——wereinconflictwithinme；andbytheirdiscordtheytoremysoulapart。 11。ThusIcametounderstandfrommyownexperiencewhatI hadread，how”thefleshlustsagainsttheSpirit，andtheSpiritagainsttheflesh。”[248]Itrulylustedbothways，yetmoreinthatwhichIapprovedinmyselfthaninthatwhichIdisapprovedinmyself。ForinthelatteritwasnotnowreallyIthatwasinvolved，becausehereIwasratheranunwillingsuffererthanawillingactor。Andyetitwasthroughmethathabithadbecomeanarmedenemyagainstme，becauseIhadwillinglycometobewhatI unwillinglyfoundmyselftobe。 Who，then，canwithanyjusticespeakagainstit，whenjustpunishmentfollowsthesinner？Ihadnownolongermyaccustomedexcusethat，asyet，Ihesitatedtoforsaketheworldandservetheebecausemyperceptionofthetruthwasuncertain。Fornowitwascertain。But，stillboundtotheearth，Irefusedtobethysoldier；andwasasmuchafraidofbeingfreedfromallentanglementsasweoughttofeartobeentangled。 12。ThuswiththebaggageoftheworldIwassweetlyburdened，asoneinslumber，andmymusingsontheewereliketheeffortsofthosewhodesiretoawake，butwhoarestilloverpoweredwithdrowsinessandfallbackintodeepslumber。Andasnoonewishestosleepforever(forallmenrightlycountwakingbetter)——yetamanwillusuallydefershakingoffhisdrowsinesswhenthereisaheavylethargyinhislimbs；andheisgladtosleeponevenwhenhisreasondisapproves，andthehourforrisinghasstruck——sowasIassuredthatitwasmuchbetterformetogivemyselfuptothylovethantogoonyieldingmyselftomyownlust。Thylovesatisfiedandvanquishedme；mylustpleasedandfetteredme。[249]Ihadnoanswertothycallingtome，”Awake，youwhosleep，andarisefromthedead，andChristshallgiveyoulight。”[250]Onallsides，thoudidstshowmethatthywordsaretrue，andI，convictedbythetruth，hadnothingatalltoreplybutthedrawlinganddrowsywords:”Presently；see，presently。Leavemealonealittlewhile。”But”presently，presently，”hadnopresent；andmy”leavemealonealittlewhile” wentonforalongwhile。InvaindidI”delightinthylawintheinnerman”while”anotherlawinmymemberswarredagainstthelawofmymindandbroughtmeintocaptivitytothelawofsinwhichisinmymembers。”Forthelawofsinisthetyrannyofhabit，bywhichthemindisdrawnandheld，evenagainstitswill。 Yetitdeservestobesoheldbecauseitsowillinglyfallsintothehabit。”OwretchedmanthatIam！Whoshalldelivermefromthebodyofthisdeath”butthygracealone，throughJesusChristourLord？[251] CHAPTERVI 13。AndnowIwilltellandconfessuntothyname，OLord，myhelperandmyredeemer，howthoudidstdelivermefromthechainofsexualdesirebywhichIwassotightlyheld，andfromtheslaveryofworldlybusiness。[252]WithincreasinganxietyI wasgoingaboutmyusualaffairs，anddailysighingtothee。I attendedthychurchasfrequentlyasmybusiness，undertheburdenofwhichIgroaned，leftmefreetodoso。Alypiuswaswithme，disengagedatlastfromhislegalpost，afterathirdtermasassessor，andnowwaitingforprivateclientstowhomhemightsellhislegaladviceasIsoldthepowerofspeaking(asifitcouldbesuppliedbyteaching)。ButNebridiushadconsented，forthesakeofourfriendship，toteachunderVerecundus——acitizenofMilanandprofessorofgrammar，andaveryintimatefriendofusall——whoardentlydesired，andbyrightoffriendshipdemandedfromus，thefaithfulaidhegreatlyneeded。Nebridiuswasnotdrawntothisbyanydesireofgain——forhecouldhavemademuchmoreoutofhislearninghadhebeensoinclined——butashewasamostsweetandkindlyfriend，hewasunwilling，outofrespectforthedutiesoffriendship，toslightourrequest。Butinthisheactedverydiscreetly，takingcarenottobecomeknowntothosepersonswhohadgreatreputationsintheworld。Thusheavoidedalldistractionsofmind，andreservedasmanyhoursaspossibletopursueorreadorlistentodiscussionsaboutwisdom。 14。Onacertainday，then，whenNebridiuswasaway——forsomereasonIcannotremember——therecametovisitAlypiusandmeatourhouseonePonticianus，afellowcountrymanofoursfromAfrica，whoheldhighofficeintheemperor’scourt。WhathewantedwithusIdonotknow；butwesatdowntotalktogether，anditchancedthathenoticedabookonagametablebeforeus。 Hetookitup，openedit，and，contrarytohisexpectation，foundittobetheapostlePaul，forheimaginedthatitwasoneofmywearisomerhetorictextbooks。Atthis，helookedupatmewithasmileandexpressedhisdelightandwonderthathehadsounexpectedlyfoundthisbookandonlythisone，lyingbeforemyeyes；forhewasindeedaChristianandafaithfuloneatthat，andoftenheprostratedhimselfbeforethee，ourGod，inthechurchinconstantdailyprayer。WhenIhadtoldhimthatIhadgivenmuchattentiontothesewritings，aconversationfollowedinwhichhespokeofAnthony，theEgyptianmonk，whosenamewasinhighreputeamongthyservants，althoughuptothattimenotfamiliartome。Whenhelearnedthis，helingeredonthetopic，givingusanaccountofthiseminentman，andmarvelingatourignorance。Weinturnwereamazedtohearofthywonderfulworkssofullymanifestedinrecenttimes——almostinourown—— occurringinthetruefaithandtheCatholicChurch。Weallwondered——we，thatthesethingsweresogreat，andhe，thatwehadneverheardofthem。 15。Fromthis，hisconversationturnedtothemultitudesinthemonasteriesandtheirmannerssofragranttothee，andtotheteemingsolitudesofthewilderness，ofwhichweknewnothingatall。TherewasevenamonasteryatMilan，outsidethecity’swalls，fullofgoodbrothersunderthefosteringcareofAmbrose——andwewereignorantofit。Hewentonwithhisstory，andwelistenedintentlyandinsilence。Hethentoldushow，onacertainafternoon，atTrier，[253]whentheemperorwasoccupiedwatchingthegladiatorialgames，heandthreecomradeswentoutforawalkinthegardensclosetothecitywalls。There，astheychancedtowalktwobytwo，onestrolledawaywithhim，whiletheothertwowentonbythemselves。Astheyrambled，thesefirsttwocameuponacertaincottagewherelivedsomeofthyservants，someofthe”poorinspirit”(”ofsuchistheKingdomofHeaven”)，wheretheyfoundthebookinwhichwaswrittenthelifeofAnthony！Oneofthembegantoreadit，tomarvelandtobeinflamedbyit。Whilereading，hemeditatedonembracingjustsuchalife，givinguphisworldlyemploymenttoseektheealone。 Thesetwobelongedtothegroupofofficialscalled”secretserviceagents。”[254]Then，suddenlybeingoverwhelmedwithaholyloveandasobershameandasifinangerwithhimself，hefixedhiseyesonhisfriend，exclaiming:”Tellme，Ibegyou，whatgoalareweseekinginallthesetoilsofours？Whatisitthatwedesire？Whatisourmotiveinpublicservice？Canourhopesinthecourtrisehigherthantobe’friendsoftheemperor’[255]？Buthowfrail，howbesetwithperil，isthatpride！Throughwhatdangersmustweclimbtoagreaterdanger？ Andwhenshallwesucceed？ButifIchosetobecomeafriendofGod，see，Icanbecomeonenow。”Thushespoke，andinthepangsofthetravailofthenewlifeheturnedhiseyesagainontothepageandcontinuedreading；hewasinwardlychanged，asthoudidstsee，andtheworlddroppedawayfromhismind，assoonbecameplaintoothers。Forashereadwithaheartlikeastormysea，morethanoncehegroaned。Finallyhesawthebettercourse，andresolvedonit。Then，havingbecomethyservant，hesaidtohisfriend:”NowIhavebrokenloosefromthosehopeswehad，andIamdeterminedtoserveGod；andIenterintothatservicefromthishourinthisplace。Ifyouarereluctanttoimitateme，donotopposeme。”Theotherrepliedthathewouldcontinueboundinhisfriendship，toshareinsogreataserviceforsogreataprize。 Sobothbecamethine，andbeganto”buildatower”，countingthecost——namely，offorsakingallthattheyhadandfollowingthee。[256]Shortlyafter，Ponticianusandhiscompanion，whohadwalkedwithhimintheotherpartofthegarden，cameinsearchofthemtothesameplace，andhavingfoundthemremindedthemtoreturn，asthedaywasdeclining。Butthefirsttwo，makingknowntoPonticianustheirresolutionandpurpose，andhowaresolvehadsprungupandbecomeconfirmedinthem，entreatedthemnottotakeitilliftheyrefusedtojointhemselveswiththem。ButPonticianusandhisfriend，althoughnotchangedfromtheirformercourse，didnevertheless(ashetoldus)bewailthemselvesandcongratulatedtheirfriendsontheirgodliness，recommendingthemselvestotheirprayers。Andwithheartsincliningagaintowardearthlythings，theyreturnedtothepalace。Buttheothertwo，settingtheiraffectionsonheavenlythings，remainedinthecottage。Bothofthemhadaffiancedbrideswho，whentheyheardofthis，likewisededicatedtheirvirginitytothee。 CHAPTERVII 16。SuchwasthestoryPonticianustold。Butwhilehewasspeaking，thou，OLord，turnedmetowardmyself，takingmefrombehindmyback，whereIhadputmyselfwhileunwillingtoexerciseself-scrutiny。Andnowthoudidstsetmefacetofacewithmyself，thatImightseehowuglyIwas，andhowcrookedandsordid，bespottedandulcerous。AndIlookedandIloathedmyself；butwhithertoflyfrommyselfIcouldnotdiscover。AndifIsoughttoturnmygazeawayfrommyself，hewouldcontinuehisnarrative，andthouwouldstopposemetomyselfandthrustmebeforemyowneyesthatImightdiscovermyiniquityandhateit。 Ihadknownit，butactedasthoughIknewitnot——Iwinkedatitandforgotit。 17。Butnow，themoreardentlyIlovedthosewhosewholesomeaffectionsIheardreported——thattheyhadgiventhemselvesupwhollytotheetobecured——themoredidIabhormyselfwhencomparedwiththem。Formanyofmyyears——perhapstwelve——hadpassedawaysincemynineteenth，when，uponthereadingofCicero’sHortensius，Iwasrousedtoadesireforwisdom。AndhereIwas，stillpostponingtheabandonmentofthisworld’shappinesstodevotemyselftothesearch。Fornotjustthefindingalone，butalsothebaresearchforit，oughttohavebeenpreferredabovethetreasuresandkingdomsofthisworld；betterthanallbodilypleasures，thoughtheyweretobehadforthetaking。But，wretchedyouththatIwas——supremelywretchedevenintheveryoutsetofmyyouth——Ihadentreatedchastityoftheeandhadprayed，”Grantmechastityandcontinence，butnotyet。” ForIwasafraidlestthoushouldsthearmetoosoon，andtoosooncuremeofmydiseaseoflustwhichIdesiredtohavesatisfiedratherthanextinguished。AndIhadwanderedthroughperversewaysofgodlesssuperstition——notreallysureofit，either，butpreferringittotheother，whichIdidnotseekinpiety，butopposedinmalice。 18。AndIhadthoughtthatIdelayedfromdaytodayinrejectingthoseworldlyhopesandfollowingtheealonebecausetheredidnotappearanythingcertainbywhichIcoulddirectmycourse。AndnowthedayhadarrivedinwhichIwaslaidbaretomyselfandmyconsciencewastochideme:”Whereareyou，Omytongue？Yousaidindeedthatyouwerenotwillingtocastoffthebaggageofvanityforuncertaintruth。Butbeholdnowitiscertain，andstillthatburdenoppressesyou。Atthesametimethosewhohavenotwornthemselvesoutwithsearchingforitasyouhave，norspenttenyearsandmoreinthinkingaboutit，havehadtheirshouldersunburdenedandhavereceivedwingstoflyaway。”ThuswasIinwardlyconfused，andmightilyconfoundedwithahorribleshame，whilePonticianuswentaheadspeakingsuchthings。Andwhenhehadfinishedhisstoryandthebusinesshecamefor，hewenthisway。AndthenwhatdidInotsaytomyself，withinmyself？WithwhatscourgesofrebukedidInotlashmysoultomakeitfollowme，asIwasstrugglingtogoafterthee？ Yetitdrewback。Itrefused。Itwouldnotmakeaneffort。Allitsargumentswereexhaustedandconfuted。Yetitresistedinsullendisquiet，fearingthecuttingoffofthathabitbywhichitwasbeingwastedtodeath，asifthatweredeathitself。 CHAPTERVIII 19。Then，asthisvehementquarrel，whichIwagedwithmysoulinthechamberofmyheart，wasraginginsidemyinnerdwelling，agitatedbothinmindandcountenance，IseizeduponAlypiusandexclaimed:”Whatisthematterwithus？Whatisthis？ Whatdidyouhear？Theuninstructedstartupandtakeheaven，andwe——withallourlearningbutsolittleheart——seewherewewallowinfleshandblood！Becauseothershavegonebeforeus，areweashamedtofollow，andnotratherashamedatournotfollowing？”IscarcelyknewwhatIsaid，andinmyexcitementI flungawayfromhim，whilehegazedatmeinsilentastonishment。 ForIdidnotsoundlikemyself:myface，eyes，color，toneexpressedmymeaningmoreclearlythanmywords。 Therewasalittlegardenbelongingtoourlodging，ofwhichwehadtheuse——asofthewholehouse——forthemaster，ourlandlord，didnotlivethere。Thetempestinmybreasthurriedmeoutintothisgarden，wherenoonemightinterruptthefierystruggleinwhichIwasengagedwithmyself，untilitcametotheoutcomethatthouknewestthoughIdidnot。ButIwasmadforhealth，anddyingforlife；knowingwhatevilthingIwas，butnotknowingwhatgoodthingIwassoshortlytobecome。 Ifledintothegarden，withAlypiusfollowingstepbystep； forIhadnosecretinwhichhedidnotshare，andhowcouldheleavemeinsuchdistress？Wesatdown，asfarfromthehouseaspossible。Iwasgreatlydisturbedinspirit，angryatmyselfwithaturbulentindignationbecauseIhadnotenteredthywillandcovenant，OmyGod，whileallmybonescriedouttometoenter，extollingittotheskies。Thewaythereinisnotbyshipsorchariotsorfeet——indeeditwasnotasfarasIhadcomefromthehousetotheplacewherewewereseated。Fortogoalongthatroadandindeedtoreachthegoalisnothingelsebutthewilltogo。Butitmustbeastrongandsinglewill，notstaggeringandswayingaboutthiswayandthat——achangeable，twisting，fluctuatingwill，wrestlingwithitselfwhileonepartfallsasanotherrises。 20。Finally，intheveryfeverofmyindecision，Imademanymotionswithmybody；likemendowhentheywilltoactbutcannot，eitherbecausetheydonothavethelimbsorbecausetheirlimbsareboundorweakenedbydisease，orincapacitatedinsomeotherway。ThusifItoremyhair，struckmyforehead，or，entwiningmyfingers，claspedmyknee，theseIdidbecauseI willedit。ButImighthavewilleditandstillnothavedoneit，ifthenerveshadnotobeyedmywill。ManythingsthenIdid，inwhichthewillandpowertodowerenotthesame。YetIdidnotdothatonethingwhichseemedtomeinfinitelymoredesirable，whichbeforelongIshouldhavepowertowillbecauseshortlywhenIwilled，Iwouldwillwithasinglewill。Forinthis，thepowerofwillingisthepowerofdoing；andasyetIcouldnotdoit。 Thusmybodymorereadilyobeyedtheslightestwishofthesoulinmovingitslimbsattheorderofmymindthanmysoulobeyeditselftoaccomplishinthewillaloneitsgreatresolve。 CHAPTERIX 21。Howcantherebesuchastrangeanomaly？Andwhyisit？ Letthymercyshineonme，thatImayinquireandfindananswer，amidthedarklabyrinthofhumanpunishmentandinthedarkestcontritionsofthesonsofAdam。Whencesuchananomaly？Andwhyshoulditbe？Themindcommandsthebody，andthebodyobeys。 Themindcommandsitselfandisresisted。Themindcommandsthehandtobemovedandthereissuchreadinessthatthecommandisscarcelydistinguishedfromtheobedienceinact。Yetthemindismind，andthehandisbody。Themindcommandsthemindtowill，andyetthoughitbeitselfitdoesnotobeyitself。Whencethisstrangeanomalyandwhyshoulditbe？Irepeat:Thewillcommandsitselftowill，andcouldnotgivethecommandunlessitwills； yetwhatiscommandedisnotdone。Butactuallythewilldoesnotwillentirely；thereforeitdoesnotcommandentirely。Forasfarasitwills，itcommands。Andasfarasitdoesnotwill，thethingcommandedisnotdone。Forthewillcommandsthattherebeanactofwill——notanother，butitself。Butitdoesnotcommandentirely。Therefore，whatiscommandeddoesnothappen； forifthewillwerewholeandentire，itwouldnotevencommandittobe，becauseitwouldalreadybe。Itis，therefore，nostrangeanomalypartlytowillandpartlytobeunwilling。Thisisactuallyaninfirmityofmind，whichcannotwhollyrise，whilepresseddownbyhabit，eventhoughitissupportedbythetruth。 Andsotherearetwowills，becauseoneofthemisnotwhole，andwhatispresentinthisoneislackingintheother。 CHAPTERX 22。Letthemperishfromthypresence，OGod，asvaintalkers，anddeceiversofthesoulperish，who，whentheyobservethattherearetwowillsintheactofdeliberation，goontoaffirmthattherearetwokindsofmindsinus:onegood，theotherevil。Theyareindeedthemselvesevilwhentheyholdtheseevilopinions——andtheyshallbecomegoodonlywhentheycometoholdthetruthandconsenttothetruththatthyapostlemaysaytothem:”Youwereformerlyindarkness，butnowareyouinthelightintheLord。”[257]Buttheydesiredtobelight，not”intheLord，”butinthemselves。TheyconceivedthenatureofthesoultobethesameaswhatGodis，andthushavebecomeathickerdarknessthantheywere；forintheirdreadarrogancetheyhavegonefartherawayfromthee，fromthee”thetrueLight，thatlightseverymanthatcomesintotheworld。”Markwhatyousayandblushforshame；drawneartohimandbeenlightened，andyourfacesshallnotbeashamed。[258] WhileIwasdeliberatingwhetherIwouldservetheLordmyGodnow，asIhadlongpurposedtodo，itwasIwhowilledanditwasalsoIwhowasunwilling。Ineithercase，itwasI。I neitherwilledwithmywholewillnorwasIwhollyunwilling。AndsoIwasatwarwithmyselfandtornapartbymyself。Andthisstrifewasagainstmywill；yetitdidnotshowthepresenceofanothermind，butthepunishmentofmyown。ThusitwasnomoreI whodidit，butthesinthatdweltinme——thepunishmentofasinfreelycommittedbyAdam，andIwasasonofAdam。 23。Forifthereareasmanyopposingnaturesasthereareopposingwills，therewillnotbetwobutmanymore。Ifanymanistryingtodecidewhetherheshouldgototheirconventicleortothetheater，theManicheansatoncecryout，”See，herearetwonatures——onegood，drawingthisway，anotherbad，drawingbackthatway；forhowelsecanyouexplainthisindecisionbetweenconflictingwills？”ButIreplythatbothimpulsesarebad—— thatwhichdrawstothemandthatwhichdrawsbacktothetheater。 Buttheydonotbelievethatthewillwhichdrawstothemcanbeanythingbutgood。Suppose，then，thatoneofusshouldtrytodecide，andthroughtheconflictofhistwowillsshouldwaverwhetherheshouldgotothetheaterortoourChurch。Wouldnotthosealsowaverabouttheanswerhere？Foreithertheymustconfess，whichtheyareunwillingtodo，thatthewillthatleadstoourchurchisasgoodasthatwhichcarriestheirownadherentsandthosecaptivatedbytheirmysteries；orelsetheymustimaginethattherearetwoevilnaturesandtwoevilmindsinoneman，bothatwarwitheachother，andthenitwillnotbetruewhattheysay，thatthereisonegoodandanotherbad。Elsetheymustbeconvertedtothetruth，andnolongerdenythatwhenanyonedeliberatesthereisonesoulfluctuatingbetweenconflictingwills。 24。Letthemnolongermaintainthatwhentheyperceivetwowillstobecontendingwitheachotherinthesamemanthecontestisbetweentwoopposingminds，oftwoopposingsubstances，fromtwoopposingprinciples，theonegoodandtheotherbad。Thus，O trueGod，thoudostreproveandconfuteandconvictthem。Forbothwillsmaybebad:aswhenamantriestodecidewhetherheshouldkillamanbypoisonorbythesword；whetherheshouldtakepossessionofthisfieldorthatonebelongingtosomeoneelse，whenhecannotgetboth；whetherheshouldsquanderhismoneytobuypleasureorholdontohismoneythroughthemotiveofcovetousness；whetherheshouldgotothecircusortothetheater，ifbothareopenonthesameday；or，whetherheshouldtakeathirdcourse，openatthesametime，androbanotherman’shouse；or，afourthoption，whetherheshouldcommitadultery，ifhehastheopportunity——allthesethingsconcurringinthesamespaceoftimeandallbeingequallylongedfor，althoughimpossibletodoatonetime。Forthemindispulledfourwaysbyfourantagonisticwills——orevenmore，inviewofthevastrangeofhumandesires——buteventheManicheansdonotaffirmthattherearethesemanydifferentsubstances。Thesameprincipleappliesasintheactionofgoodwills。ForIaskthem，”Isitagoodthingtohavedelightinreadingtheapostle，orisitagoodthingtodelightinasoberpsalm，orisitagoodthingtodiscourseonthegospel？”Toeachofthese，theywillanswer，”Itisgood。”Butwhat，then，ifalldelightusequallyandallatthesametime？Donotdifferentwillsdistractthemindwhenamanistryingtodecidewhatheshouldchoose？Yettheyareallgood，andareatvariancewitheachotheruntiloneischosen。Whenthisisdonethewholeunitedwillmaygoforwardonasingletrackinsteadofremainingasitwasbefore，dividedinmanyways。 Soalso，wheneternityattractsusfromabove，andthepleasureofearthlydelightpullsusdownfrombelow，thesouldoesnotwilleithertheoneortheotherwithallitsforce，butstillitisthesamesoulthatdoesnotwillthisorthatwithaunitedwill，andisthereforepulledapartwithgrievousperplexities，becausefortruth’ssakeitprefersthis，butforcustom’ssakeitdoesnotlaythataside。 CHAPTERXI 25。ThusIwassickandtormented，reproachingmyselfmorebitterlythanever，rollingandwrithinginmychaintillitshouldbeutterlybroken。BynowIwasheldbutslightly，butstillwasheld。Andthou，OLord，didstpressuponmeinmyinmostheartwithaseveremercy，redoublingthelashesoffearandshame；lestIshouldagaingivewayandthatsameslenderremainingtienotbebrokenoff，butrecoverstrengthandenchainmeyetmoresecurely。 Ikeptsayingtomyself，”See，letitbedonenow；letitbedonenow。”AndasIsaidthisIallbutcametoafirmdecision。 Iallbutdidit——yetIdidnotquite。StillIdidnotfallbacktomyoldcondition，butstoodasideforamomentanddrewbreath。AndItriedagain，andlackedonlyaverylittleofreachingtheresolve——andthensomewhatless，andthenallbuttouchedandgraspedit。YetIstilldidnotquitereachortouchorgraspthegoal，becauseIhesitatedtodietodeathandtolivetolife。Andtheworseway，towhichIwashabituated，wasstrongerinmethanthebetter，whichIhadnottried。AnduptotheverymomentinwhichIwastobecomeanotherman，thenearerthemomentapproached，thegreaterhorrordiditstrikeinme。 Butitdidnotstrikemeback，norturnmeaside，butheldmeinsuspense。 26。Itwas，infact，myoldmistresses，triflesoftriflesandvanitiesofvanities，whostillenthralledme。Theytuggedatmyfleshlygarmentsandsoftlywhispered:”Areyougoingtopartwithus？Andfromthatmomentwillweneverbewithyouanymore？ Andfromthatmomentwillnotthisandthatbeforbiddenyouforever？”Whatweretheysuggestingtomeinthosewords”thisorthat”？Whatisittheysuggested，OmyGod？Letthymercyguardthesoulofthyservantfromthevilenessandtheshametheydidsuggest！AndnowIscarcelyheardthem，fortheywerenotopenlyshowingthemselvesandopposingmefacetoface；butmuttering，asitwere，behindmyback；andfurtivelypluckingatmeasIwasleaving，tryingtomakemelookbackatthem。Stilltheydelayedme，sothatIhesitatedtobreaklooseandshakemyselffreeofthemandleapovertotheplacetowhichIwasbeingcalled——forunrulyhabitkeptsayingtome，”Doyouthinkyoucanlivewithoutthem？” 27。Butnowitsaidthisveryfaintly；forinthedirectionIhadsetmyface，andyettowardwhichIstilltrembledtogo，thechastedignityofcontinenceappearedtome——cheerfulbutnotwanton，modestlyalluringmetocomeanddoubtnothing，extendingherholyhands，fullofamultitudeofgoodexamples—— toreceiveandembraceme。Thereweretheresomanyyoungmenandmaidens，amultitudeofyouthandeveryage，gravewidowsandancientvirgins；andcontinenceherselfintheirmidst:notbarren，butafruitfulmotherofchildren——herjoys——bythee，OLord，herhusband。Andshesmiledonmewithachallengingsmileasiftosay:”Canyounotdowhattheseyoungmenandmaidenscan？Orcananyofthemdoitofthemselves，andnotratherintheLordtheirGod？TheLordtheirGodgavemetothem。 Whydoyoustandinyourownstrength，andsostandnot？Castyourselfonhim；fearnot。Hewillnotflinchandyouwillnotfall。Castyourselfonhimwithoutfear，forhewillreceiveandhealyou。”AndIblushedviolently，forIstillheardthemutteringofthose”trifles”andhungsuspended。Againsheseemedtospeak:”Stopyourearsagainstthoseuncleanmembersofyours，thattheymaybemortified。Theytellyouofdelights，butnotaccordingtothelawoftheLordthyGod。”Thisstruggleraginginmyheartwasnothingbutthecontestofselfagainstself。AndAlypiuskeptclosebesideme，andawaitedinsilencetheoutcomeofmyextraordinaryagitation。 CHAPTERXII 28。Nowwhendeepreflectionhaddrawnupoutofthesecretdepthsofmysoulallmymiseryandhadheapeditupbeforethesightofmyheart，therearoseamightystorm，accompaniedbyamightyrainoftears。ThatImightgivewayfullytomytearsandlamentations，IstoleawayfromAlypius，foritseemedtomethatsolitudewasmoreappropriateforthebusinessofweeping。IwentfarenoughawaythatIcouldfeelthatevenhispresencewasnorestraintuponme。ThiswasthewayIfeltatthetime，andherealizedit。IsupposeIhadsaidsomethingbeforeIstartedupandhenoticedthatthesoundofmyvoicewaschokedwithweeping。 Andsohestayedalone，wherewehadbeensittingtogether，greatlyastonished。Iflungmyselfdownunderafigtree——howI knownot——andgavefreecoursetomytears。Thestreamsofmyeyesgushedoutanacceptablesacrificetothee。And，notindeedinthesewords，buttothiseffect，Icriedtothee:”Andthou，O Lord，howlong？Howlong，OLord？Wiltthoubeangryforever？ Oh，remembernotagainstusourformeriniquities。”[259]ForI feltthatIwasstillenthralledbythem。Isentupthesesorrowfulcries:”Howlong，howlong？Tomorrowandtomorrow？Whynotnow？Whynotthisveryhourmakeanendtomyuncleanness？” 29。Iwassayingthesethingsandweepinginthemostbittercontritionofmyheart，whensuddenlyIheardthevoiceofaboyoragirlIknownotwhich——comingfromtheneighboringhouse，chantingoverandoveragain，”Pickitup，readit；pickitup，readit。”[260]ImmediatelyIceasedweepingandbeganmostearnestlytothinkwhetheritwasusualforchildreninsomekindofgametosingsuchasong，butIcouldnotremembereverhavingheardthelike。So，dammingthetorrentofmytears，Igottomyfeet，forIcouldnotbutthinkthatthiswasadivinecommandtoopentheBibleandreadthefirstpassageIshouldlightupon。 ForIhadheard[261]howAnthony，accidentallycomingintochurchwhilethegospelwasbeingread，receivedtheadmonitionasifwhatwasreadhadbeenaddressedtohim:”Goandsellwhatyouhaveandgiveittothepoor，andyoushallhavetreasureinheaven；andcomeandfollowme。”[262]Bysuchanoraclehewasforthwithconvertedtothee。 SoIquicklyreturnedtothebenchwhereAlypiuswassitting，forthereIhadputdowntheapostle’sbookwhenIhadleftthere。 Isnatcheditup，openedit，andinsilencereadtheparagraphonwhichmyeyesfirstfell:”Notinriotinganddrunkenness，notinchamberingandwantonness，notinstrifeandenvying，butputontheLordJesusChrist，andmakenoprovisionforthefleshtofulfilltheluststhereof。”[263]Iwantedtoreadnofurther，nordidIneedto。Forinstantly，asthesentenceended，therewasinfusedinmyheartsomethinglikethelightoffullcertaintyandallthegloomofdoubtvanishedaway。[264] 30。Closingthebook，then，andputtingmyfingerorsomethingelseforamarkIbegan——nowwithatranquilcountenance——totellitalltoAlypius。Andheinturndisclosedtomewhathadbeengoingoninhimself，ofwhichIknewnothing。HeaskedtoseewhatIhadread。Ishowedhim，andhelookedonevenfurtherthanIhadread。Ihadnotknownwhatfollowed。Butindeeditwasthis，”Himthatisweakinthefaith，receive。”[265]Thisheappliedtohimself，andtoldmeso。Bythesewordsofwarninghewasstrengthened，andbyexercisinghisgoodresolutionandpurpose——allverymuchinkeepingwithhischaracter，inwhich，intheserespects，hewasalwaysfardifferentfromandbetterthanI——hejoinedmeinfullcommitmentwithoutanyrestlesshesitation。 Thenwewentintomymother，andtoldherwhathappened，tohergreatjoy。Weexplainedtoherhowithadoccurred——andsheleapedforjoytriumphant；andsheblessedthee，whoart”abletodoexceedinglyabundantlyaboveallthatweaskorthink。”[266] Forshesawthatthouhadstgrantedherfarmorethanshehadeveraskedforinallherpitifulanddolefullamentations。ForthoudidstsoconvertmetotheethatIsoughtneitherawifenoranyotherofthisworld’shopes，butsetmyfeetonthatruleoffaithwhichsomanyyearsbeforethouhadstshowedherinherdreamaboutme。Andsothoudidstturnhergriefintogladnessmoreplentifulthanshehadventuredtodesire，anddearerandpurerthanthedesiresheusedtocherishofhavinggrandchildrenofmyflesh。 BOOKNINE Theendoftheautobiography。AugustinetellsofhisresigningfromhisprofessorshipandofthedaysatCassiciacuminpreparationforbaptism。HeisbaptizedtogetherwithAdeodatusandAlypius。Shortlythereafter，theystartbackforAfrica。 AugustinerecallstheecstasyheandhismothersharedinOstiaandthenreportsherdeathandburialandhisgrief。ThebookcloseswithamovingprayerforthesoulsofMonica，Patricius，andallhisfellowcitizensoftheheavenlyJerusalem。 CHAPTERI 1。”OLord，Iamthyservant；Iamthyservantandthesonofthyhandmaid。Thouhastloosedmybonds。Iwilloffertotheethesacrificeofthanksgiving。”[267]Letmyheartandmytonguepraisethee，andletallmybonessay，”Lord，whoislikeuntothee？”Letthemsayso，andanswerthoumeandsayuntomysoul，”Iamyoursalvation。” WhoamI，andwhatismynature？Whatevilistherenotinmeandmydeeds；orifnotinmydeeds，mywords；orifnotinmywords，mywill？Butthou，OLord，artgoodandmerciful，andthyrighthanddidstreachintothedepthofmydeathanddidstemptyouttheabyssofcorruptionfromthebottomofmyheart。Andthiswastheresult:nowIdidnotwilltodowhatIwilled，andbegantowilltodowhatthoudidstwill。 Butwherewasmyfreewillduringallthoseyearsandfromwhatdeepandsecretretreatwasitcalledforthinasinglemoment，wherebyIgavemynecktothy”easyyoke”andmyshoulderstothy”lightburden，”OChristJesus，”myStrengthandmyRedeemer”？Howsweetdiditsuddenlybecometometobewithoutthesweetnessoftrifles！AnditwasnowajoytoputawaywhatI formerlyfearedtolose。Forthoudidstcastthemawayfromme，O trueandhighestSweetness。Thoudidstcastthemaway，andintheirplacethoudidstenterinthyself——sweeterthanallpleasure，thoughnottofleshandblood；brighterthanalllight，butmoreveiledthanallmystery；moreexaltedthanallhonor，thoughnottothemthatareexaltedintheirowneyes。Nowwasmysoulfreefromthegnawingcaresofseekingandgetting，ofwallowinginthemireandscratchingtheitchoflust。AndI prattledlikeachildtothee，OLordmyGod——mylight，myriches，andmysalvation。 CHAPTERII 2。Anditseemedrighttome，inthysight，nottosnatchmytongue’sserviceabruptlyoutofthespeechmarket，buttowithdrawquietly，sothattheyoungmenwhowerenotconcernedaboutthylaworthypeace，butwithmendaciousfolliesandforensicstrifes，mightnolongerpurchasefrommymouthweaponsfortheirfrenzy。Fortunately，therewereonlyafewdaysbeforethe”vintagevacation”[268]；andIdeterminedtoendurethem，sothatImightresignindueformand，nowboughtbythee，returnforsalenomore。 Myplanwasknowntothee，but，saveformyownfriends，itwasnotknowntoothermen。Forwehadagreedthatitshouldnotbemadepublic；although，inourascentfromthe”valleyoftears” andoursingingof”thesongofdegrees，”thouhadstgivenussharparrowsandhotburningcoalstostopthatdeceitfultonguewhichopposesundertheguiseofgoodcounsel，anddevourswhatitlovesasthoughitwerefood。 3。Thouhadstpiercedourheartwiththylove，andwecarriedthywords，asitwere，thrustthroughourvitals。Theexamplesofthyservantswhomthouhadstchangedfromblacktoshiningwhite，andfromdeathtolife，crowdedintothebosomofourthoughtsandburnedandconsumedoursluggishtemper，thatwemightnottopplebackintotheabyss。Andtheyfiredusexceedingly，sothateverybreathofthedeceitfultongueofourdetractorsmightfantheflameandnotblowitout。 Thoughthisvowandpurposeofoursshouldfindthosewhowouldloudlypraiseit——forthesakeofthyname，whichthouhastsanctifiedthroughouttheearth——itneverthelesslookedlikeaself-vauntingnottowaituntilthevacationtimenowsonear。ForifIhadleftsuchapublicofficeaheadoftime，andhadmadethebreakintheeyeofthegeneralpublic，allwhotooknoticeofthisactofmineandobservedhownearwasthevintagetimethatIwishedtoanticipatewouldhavetalkedaboutmeagreatdeal，asifIweretryingtoappearagreatperson。Andwhatpurposewoulditservethatpeopleshouldconsideranddisputeaboutmyconversionsothatmygoodshouldbeevilspokenof？ 4。Furthermore，thissamesummermylungshadbeguntobeweakfromtoomuchliterarylabor。Breathingwasdifficult；thepainsinmychestshowedthatthelungswereaffectedandweresoonfatiguedbytooloudorprolongedspeaking。Thishadatfirstbeenatrialtome，foritwouldhavecompelledmealmostofnecessitytolaydownthatburdenofteaching；or，ifIwastobecuredandbecomestrongagain，atleasttotakealeaveforawhile。ButassoonasthefulldesiretobestillthatImightknowthatthouarttheLord[269]aroseandwasconfirmedinme，thouknowest，myGod，thatIbegantorejoicethatIhadthisexcuseready——andnotafeignedone，either——whichmightsomewhattemperthedispleasureofthosewhofortheirsons’ freedomwishedmenevertohaveanyfreedomofmyown。 Fullofjoy，then，Iboreituntilmytimeranout——itwasperhapssometwentydays——yetitwassomestraintogothroughwithit，forthegreedinesswhichhelpedtosupportthedrudgeryhadgone，andIwouldhavebeenoverwhelmedhadnotitsplacebeentakenbypatience。Someofthyservants，mybrethren，maysaythatIsinnedinthis，sincehavingoncefullyandfrommyheartenlistedinthyservice，Ipermittedmyselftositasinglehourinthechairoffalsehood。Iwillnotdisputeit。Buthastthounot，OmostmercifulLord，pardonedandforgiventhissinintheholywater[270]also，alongwithalltheothers，horribleanddeadlyastheywere？ CHAPTERIII 5。Verecunduswasseverelydisturbedbythisnewhappinessofmine，sincehewasstillfirmlyheldbyhisbondsandsawthathewouldlosemycompanionship。ForhewasnotyetaChristian，thoughhiswifewas；and，indeed，hewasmorefirmlyenchainedbyherthanbyanythingelse，andheldbackfromthatjourneyonwhichwehadsetout。Furthermore，hedeclaredhedidnotwishtobeaChristianonanytermsexceptthosethatwereimpossible。 However，heinvitedusmostcourteouslytomakeuseofhiscountryhousesolongaswewouldstaythere。OLord，thouwiltrecompensehimforthis”intheresurrectionofthejust，”[271] seeingthatthouhastalreadygivenhim”thelotoftherighteous。”[272]ForwhilewewereabsentatRome，hewasovertakenwithbodilysickness，andduringithewasmadeaChristiananddepartedthislifeasoneofthefaithful。Thusthouhadstmercyonhim，andnotonhimonly，butonusaswell； lest，rememberingtheexceedingkindnessofourfriendtousandnotabletocounthiminthyflock，weshouldbetorturedwithintolerablegrief。Thanksbeuntothee，ourGod；wearethine。 Thyexhortations，consolations，andfaithfulpromisesassureusthatthouwiltrepayVerecundusforthatcountryhouseatCassiciacum——wherewefoundrestintheefromthefeveroftheworld——withtheperpetualfreshnessofthyparadiseinwhichthouhastforgivenhimhisearthlysins，inthatmountainflowingwithmilk，thatfruitfulmountain——thyown。 6。ThusVerecunduswasfullofgrief；butNebridiuswasjoyous。ForhewasnotyetaChristian，andhadfallenintothepitofdeadlyerror，believingthatthefleshofthySon，theTruth，wasaphantom。[273]Yethehadcomeupoutofthatpitandnowheldthesamebeliefthatwedid。AndthoughhewasnotasyetinitiatedinanyofthesacramentsofthyChurch，hewasamostearnestinquireraftertruth。Notlongafterourconversionandregenerationbythybaptism，healsobecameafaithfulmemberoftheCatholicChurch，servingtheeinperfectchastityandcontinenceamonghisownpeopleinAfrica，andbringinghiswholehouseholdwithhimtoChristianity。Thenthoudidstreleasehimfromtheflesh，andnowhelivesinAbraham’sbosom。Whateverissignifiedbythatterm”bosom，”therelivesmyNebridius，mysweetfriend，thysonbyadoption，OLord，andnotafreedmananylonger。Therehelives；forwhatotherplacecouldtherebeforsuchasoul？Therehelivesinthatabodeaboutwhichheusedtoaskmesomanyquestions——poorignorantonethatIwas。Nowhedoesnotputhisearuptomymouth，buthisspiritualmouthtothyfountain，anddrinkswisdomashedesiresandasheisable—— happywithoutend。ButIdonotbelievethatheissoinebriatedbythatdraughtastoforgetme；sincethou，OLord，whoartthedraught，artmindfulofus。 Thus，then，wewerecomfortingtheunhappyVerecundus——ourfriendshipuntouched——reconcilinghimtoourconversionandexhortinghimtoafaithfitforhiscondition(thatis，tohisbeingmarried)。WetarriedforNebridiustofollowus，sincehewassoclose，andthishewasjustabouttodowhenatlasttheinterimended。ThedayshadseemedlongandmanybecauseofmyeagernessforleisureandlibertyinwhichImightsingtotheefrommyinmostpart，”Myhearthassaidtothee，Ihavesoughtthyface；thyface，OLord，willIseek。”[274] CHAPTERIV 7。FinallythedaycameonwhichIwasactuallytoberelievedfromtheprofessorshipofrhetoric，fromwhichIhadalreadybeenreleasedinintention。Anditwasdone。Andthoudidstdelivermytongueasthouhadstalreadydeliveredmyheart； andIblessedtheeforitwithgreatjoy，andretiredwithmyfriendstothevilla。[275]MybookstestifytowhatIgotdonethereinwriting，whichwasnowhopefullydevotedtothyservice； thoughinthispauseitwasstillasifIwerepantingfrommyexertionsintheschoolofpride。[276]ThesewerethebooksinwhichIengagedindialoguewithmyfriends，andalsothoseinsoliloquybeforetheealone。[277]AndtherearemyletterstoNebridius，whowasstillabsent。[278] Whenwouldtherebeenoughtimetorecountallthygreatblessingswhichthoudidstbestowonusinthattime，especiallyasIamhasteningontostillgreatermercies？Formymemoryrecallsthemtomeanditispleasanttoconfessthemtothee，O Lord:theinwardgoadsbywhichthoudidstsubduemeandhowthoubroughtestmelow，levelingthemountainsandhillsofmythoughts，straighteningmycrookedness，andsmoothingmyroughways。AndIrememberbywhatmeansthoualsodidstsubdueAlypius，myheart’sbrother，tothenameofthyonlySon，ourLordandSaviourJesusChrist——whichheatfirstrefusedtohaveinsertedinourwritings。Foratfirsthepreferredthattheyshouldsmellofthecedarsoftheschools[279]whichtheLordhathnowbrokendown，ratherthanofthewholesomeherbsoftheChurch，hostiletoserpents。[280] 8。OmyGod，howdidIcrytotheewhenIreadthepsalmsofDavid，thosehymnsoffaith，thosepaeansofdevotionwhichleavenoroomforswellingpride！Iwasstillanoviceinthytruelove，acatechumenkeepingholidayatthevilla，withAlypius，acatechumenlikemyself。Mymotherwasalsowithus——inwoman’sgarb，butwithaman’sfaith，withthepeacefulnessofageandthefullnessofmotherlyloveandChristianpiety。WhatcriesIusedtosenduptotheeinthosesongs，andhowIwasenkindledtowardtheebythem！Iburnedtosingthemifpossible，throughoutthewholeworld，againsttheprideofthehumanrace。Andyet，indeed，theyaresungthroughoutthewholeworld，andnonecanhidehimselffromthyheat。WithwhatstrongandbitterregretwasIindignantattheManicheans！YetIalsopitiedthem；fortheywereignorantofthosesacraments，thosemedicines[281]—— andravedinsanelyagainstthecurethatmighthavemadethemsane！Iwishedtheycouldhavebeensomewherecloseby，and—— withoutmyknowledge——couldhaveseenmyfaceandheardmywordswhen，inthattimeofleisure，IporedovertheFourthPsalm。AndIwishtheycouldhaveseenhowthatpsalmaffectedme。[282]”WhenIcalleduponthee，OGodofmyrighteousness，thoudidsthearme；thoudidstenlargemewhenIwasindistress。Havemercyuponmeandhearmyprayer。”IwishtheymighthaveheardwhatI saidincommentonthosewords——withoutmyknowingthattheyheard，lesttheyshouldthinkthatIwasspeakingitjustontheiraccount。For，indeed，Ishouldnothavesaidquitethesamethings，norquiteinthesameway，ifIhadknownthatIwasheardandseenbythem。AndifIhadsospoken，theywouldnothavemeantthesamethingstothemastheydidtomewhenIspokebyandformyselfbeforethee，outoftheprivateaffectionsofmysoul。 9。ByturnsItrembledwithfearandwarmedwithhopeandrejoicedinthymercy，OFather。AndallthesefeelingsshowedforthinmyeyesandvoicewhenthygoodSpiritturnedtousandsaid，”Osonsofmen，howlongwillyoubeslowofheart，howlongwillyoulovevanity，andseekafterfalsehood？”ForIhadlovedvanityandsoughtafterfalsehood。Andthou，OLord，hadalreadymagnifiedthyHolyOne，raisinghimfromthedeadandsettinghimatthyrighthand，thatthenceheshouldsendforthfromonhighhispromised”Paraclete，theSpiritofTruth。”Alreadyhehadsenthim，andIknewitnot。Hehadsenthimbecausehewasnowmagnified，risingfromthedeadandascendingintoheaven。Fortillthen”theHolySpiritwasnotyetgiven，becauseJesuswasnotyetglorified。”[283]Andtheprophetcriedout:”Howlongwillyoubeslowofheart？Howlongwillyoulovevanity，andseekafterfalsehood？Knowthis，thattheLordhathmagnifiedhisHolyOne。”Hecries，”Howlong？”Hecries，”Knowthis，”andI—— solong”lovingvanity，andseekingafterfalsehood”——heardandtrembled，becausethesewordswerespokentosuchaoneasI rememberedthatImyselfhadbeen。ForinthosephantomswhichI onceheldfortruththerewasvanityandfalsehood。AndIspokemanythingsloudlyandearnestly——inthecontritionofmymemory——whichIwishtheyhadheard，whostill”lovevanityandseekafterfalsehood。”Perhapstheywouldhavebeentroubled，andhavevomiteduptheirerror，andthouwouldsthaveheardthemwhentheycriedtothee；forbyarealdeathinthefleshHediedforuswhonowmakethintercessionforuswiththee。 10。Ireadonfurther，”Beangry，andsinnot。”AndhowdeeplywasItouched，OmyGod；forIhadnowlearnedtobeangrywithmyselfforthethingspast，sothatinthefutureImightnotsin。Yes，tobeangrywithgoodcause，foritwasnotanothernatureoutoftheraceofdarknessthathadsinnedforme——astheyaffirmwhoarenotangrywiththemselves，andwhostoreupforthemselvesdirewrathagainstthedayofwrathandtherevelationofthyrighteousjudgment。NorwerethegoodthingsI sawnowoutsideme，norweretheytobeseenwiththeeyesoffleshinthelightoftheearthlysun。Fortheythathavetheirjoysfromwithoutsinkeasilyintoemptinessandarespilledoutonthosethingsthatarevisibleandtemporal，andintheirstarvingthoughtstheylicktheirveryshadows。Ifonlytheywouldgrowwearywiththeirhungerandwouldsay，”Whowillshowusanygood？”Andwewouldanswer，andtheywouldhear，”OLord，thelightofthycountenanceshinesbrightuponus。”ForwearenotthatLightthatenlightenseveryman，butweareenlightenedbythee，sothatwewhowereformerlyindarknessmaynowbealightinthee。IfonlytheycouldbeholdtheinnerLightEternalwhich，nowthatIhadtastedit，IgnashedmyteethbecauseI couldnotshowittothemunlesstheybroughtmetheirheartintheireyes——theirrovingeyes——andsaid，”Whowillshowusanygood？”Buteventhere，intheinnerchamberofmysoul——whereI wasangrywithmyself；whereIwasinwardlypricked，whereIhadofferedmysacrifice，slayingmyoldman，andhopingintheewiththenewresolveofanewlifewithmytrustlaidinthee——eventherethouhadstbeguntogrowsweettomeandto”putgladnessinmyheart。”AndthusasIreadallthis，Icriedaloudandfeltitsinwardmeaning。NordidIwishtobeincreasedinworldlygoodswhicharewastedbytime，fornowIpossessed，inthyeternalsimplicity，othercornandwineandoil。 11。Andwithaloudcryfrommyheart，Ireadthefollowingverse:”Oh，inpeace！Oh，intheSelfsame！”[284]Seehowhesaysit:”Iwilllaymedownandtakemyrest。”[285]Forwhoshallwithstanduswhenthetruthofthissayingthatiswrittenismademanifest:”Deathisswallowedupinvictory”[286]？Forsurelythou，whodostnotchange，arttheSelfsame，andintheeisrestandobliviontoalldistress。Thereisnoneotherbesidethee，norarewetotoilforthosemanythingswhicharenotthee，foronlythou，OLord，makestmetodwellinhope。” ThesethingsIreadandwasenkindled——butstillIcouldnotdiscoverwhattodowiththosedeafanddeadManicheanstowhomImyselfhadbelonged；forIhadbeenabitterandblindrevileragainstthesewritings，honeyedwiththehoneyofheavenandluminouswiththylight。AndIwassorelygrievedattheseenemiesofthisScripture。 12。WhenshallIcalltomindallthathappenedduringthoseholidays？Ihavenotforgottenthem；norwillIbesilentabouttheseverityofthyscourge，andtheamazingquicknessofthymercy。Duringthattimethoudidsttorturemewithatoothache； andwhenithadbecomesoacutethatIwasnotabletospeak，itcameintomyhearttourgeallmyfriendswhowerepresenttoprayformetothee，theGodofallhealth。AndIwroteitdownonthetabletandgaveittothemtoread。Presently，aswebowedourkneesinsupplication，thepainwasgone。Butwhatpain？Howdiditgo？IconfessthatIwasterrified，OLordmyGod，becausefrommyearliestyearsIhadneverexperiencedsuchpain。Andthypurposeswereprofoundlyimpresseduponme；andrejoicinginfaith，Ipraisedthyname。Butthatfaithallowedmenorestinrespectofmypastsins，whichwerenotyetforgivenmethroughthybaptism。 CHAPTERV 13。Nowthatthevintagevacationwasended，IgavenoticetothecitizensofMilanthattheymightprovidetheirscholarswithanotherword-merchant。Igaveasmyreasonsmydeterminationtoservetheeandalsomyinsufficiencyforthetask，becauseofthedifficultyinbreathingandthepaininmychest。 AndbylettersInotifiedthybishop，theholymanAmbrose，ofmyformererrorsandmypresentresolution。AndIaskedhisadviceastowhichofthybooksitwasbestformetoreadsothatImightbethemorereadyandfitforthereceptionofsogreatagrace。HerecommendedIsaiahtheprophet；andIbelieveitwasbecauseIsaiahforeshowsmoreclearlythanothersthegospel，andthecallingoftheGentiles。ButbecauseIcouldnotunderstandthefirstpartandbecauseIimaginedtheresttobelikeit，I laiditasidewiththeintentionoftakingitupagainlater，whenbetterpracticedinourLord’swords。 CHAPTERVI 14。Whenthetimearrivedformetogiveinmyname，weleftthecountryandreturnedtoMilan。Alypiusalsoresolvedtobebornagainintheeatthesametime。Hewasalreadyclothedwiththehumilitythatbefitsthysacraments，andwassobraveatamerofhisbodythathewouldwalkthefrozenItaliansoilwithhisnakedfeet，whichcalledforunusualfortitude。WetookwithustheboyAdeodatus，mysonaftertheflesh，theoffspringofmysin。Thouhadstmadeofhimanoblelad。Hewasbarelyfifteenyearsold，buthisintelligenceexcelledthatofmanygraveandlearnedmen。Iconfesstotheethygifts，OLordmyGod，creatorofall，whohastpowertoreformourdeformities——fortherewasnothingofmeinthatboybutthesin。Foritwasthouwhodidstinspireustofosterhiminthydiscipline，andnoneother——thygiftsIconfesstothee。Thereisabookofmine，entitledDeMagistro。[287]ItisadialoguebetweenAdeodatusandme，andthouknowestthatallthingsthereputintothemouthofmyinterlocutorarehis，thoughhewasthenonlyinhissixteenthyear。ManyothergiftsevenmorewonderfulIfoundinhim。Histalentwasasourceofawetome。Andwhobutthoucouldstbetheworkerofsuchmarvels？Andthoudidstquicklyremovehislifefromtheearth，andevennowIrecallhimtomindwithasenseofsecurity，becauseIfearnothingforhischildhoodoryouth，norforhiswholecareer。Wetookhimforourcompanion，asifhewerethesameageingracewithourselves，tobetrainedwithourselvesinthydiscipline。Andsowewerebaptizedandtheanxietyaboutourpastlifeleftus。 NordidIeverhaveenoughinthosedaysofthewondroussweetnessofmeditatingonthedepthofthycounselsconcerningthesalvationofthehumanrace。HowfreelydidIweepinthyhymnsandcanticles；howdeeplywasImovedbythevoicesofthysweet-speakingChurch！Thevoicesflowedintomyears；andthetruthwaspouredforthintomyheart，wherethetideofmydevotionoverflowed，andmytearsrandown，andIwashappyinallthesethings。