第6章

CHAPTERVII 15。ThechurchofMilanhadonlyrecentlybeguntoemploythismodeofconsolationandexaltationwithallthebrethrensingingtogetherwithgreatearnestnessofvoiceandheart。Foritwasonlyaboutayear——notmuchmore——sinceJustina，themotheroftheboy-emperorValentinian，hadpersecutedthyservantAmbroseonbehalfofherheresy，inwhichshehadbeenseducedbytheArians。Thedevotedpeoplekeptguardinthechurch，preparedtodiewiththeirbishop，thyservant。Amongthemmymother，thyhandmaid，takingaleadingpartinthoseanxietiesandvigils，livedthereinprayer。AndeventhoughwewerestillnotwhollymeltedbytheheatofthySpirit，wewereneverthelessexcitedbythealarmedanddisturbedcity。 Thiswasthetimethatthecustombegan，afterthemanneroftheEasternChurch，thathymnsandpsalmsshouldbesung，sothatthepeoplewouldnotbewornoutwiththetediumoflamentation。 Thiscustom，retainedfromthentillnow，hasbeenimitatedbymany，indeed，byalmostallthycongregationsthroughouttherestoftheworld。[288] 16。ThenbyavisionthoumadestknowntothyrenownedbishopthespotwherelaythebodiesofGervasiusandProtasius，themartyrs，whomthouhadstpreserveduncorruptedforsomanyyearsinthysecretstorehouse，sothatthoumightestproducethematafittimetocheckawoman’sfury——awomanindeed，butalsoaqueen！WhentheywerediscoveredanddugupandbroughtwithduehonortothebasilicaofAmbrose，astheywerebornealongtheroadmanywhoweretroubledbyuncleanspirits——thedevilsconfessingthemselves——werehealed。Andtherewasalsoacertainman，awell-knowncitizenofthecity，blindmanyyears，who，whenhehadaskedandlearnedthereasonforthepeople’stumultuousjoy，rushedoutandbeggedhisguidetoleadhimtotheplace。Whenhearrivedthere，hebeggedtobepermittedtotouchwithhishandkerchiefthebierofthysaints，whosedeathispreciousinthysight。Whenhehaddonethis，andputittohiseyes，theywereimmediatelyopened。Thefameofallthisspreadabroad；fromthisthygloryshonemorebrightly。Andalsofromthisthemindofthatangrywoman，thoughnotenlargedtothesanityofafullfaith，wasneverthelessrestrainedfromthefuryofpersecution。 Thankstothee，OmyGod。Whenceandwhitherhastthouledmymemory，thatIshouldconfesssuchthingsasthesetothee—— forgreatastheywere，Ihadforgetfullypassedthemover？Andyetatthattime，whenthesweetsavorofthyointmentwassofragrant，Ididnotrunafterthee。[289]Therefore，IweptmorebitterlyasIlistenedtothyhymns，havingsolongpantedafterthee。AndnowatlengthIcouldbreatheasmuchasthespaceallowsinthisourstrawhouse。[290] CHAPTERVIII 17。Thou，OLord，whomakestmenofonemindtodwellinasinglehouse，alsobroughtestEvodiustojoinourcompany。Hewasayoungmanofourcity，who，whileservingasasecretserviceagent，wasconvertedtotheeandbaptizedbeforeus。Hehadrelinquishedhissecularservice，andpreparedhimselfforthine。 Weweretogether，andwewereresolvedtolivetogetherinourdevoutpurpose。 Wecastaboutforsomeplacewherewemightbemostusefulinourservicetothee，andhadplannedongoingbacktogethertoAfrica。AndwhenwehadgotasfarasOstiaontheTiber，mymotherdied。 Iampassingovermanythings，forImusthasten。Receive，O myGod，myconfessionsandthanksgivingfortheunnumberedthingsaboutwhichIamsilent。ButIwillnotomitanythingmymindhasbroughtbackconcerningthyhandmaidwhobroughtmeforth——inherflesh，thatImightbebornintothisworld’slight，andinherheart，thatImightbeborntolifeeternal。Iwillnotspeakofhergifts，butofthygiftinher；forsheneithermadeherselfnortrainedherself。Thoudidstcreateher，andneitherherfathernorhermotherknewwhatkindofbeingwastocomeforthfromthem。AnditwastherodofthyChrist，thedisciplineofthyonlySon，thattrainedherinthyfear，inthehouseofoneofthyfaithfuloneswhowasasoundmemberofthyChurch。Yetmymotherdidnotattributethisgoodtrainingofhersasmuchtothediligenceofherownmotherastothatofacertainelderlymaidservantwhohadnursedherfather，carryinghimaroundonherback，asbiggirlscarriedbabies。Becauseofherlong-timeserviceandalsobecauseofherextremeageandexcellentcharacter，shewasmuchrespectedbytheheadsofthatChristianhousehold。Thecareofhermaster’sdaughterswasalsocommittedtoher，andsheperformedhertaskwithdiligence。Shewasquiteearnestinrestrainingthemwithaholyseveritywhennecessaryandinstructingthemwithasobersagacity。Thus，exceptatmealtimesattheirparents’table——whentheywerefedverytemperately——shewouldnotallowthemtodrinkevenwater，howeverparchedtheywerewiththirst。Inthiswayshetookprecautionsagainstanevilcustomandaddedthewholesomeadvice:”Youdrinkwaternowonlybecauseyoudon’tcontrolthewine；butwhenyouaremarriedandmistressesofpantryandcellar，youmaynotcareforwater，butthehabitofdrinkingwillbefixed。”Bysuchamethodofinstruction，andherauthority，sherestrainedthelongingoftheirtenderage，andregulatedeventhethirstofthegirlstosuchadecorouscontrolthattheynolongerwantedwhattheyoughtnottohave。 18。Andyet，asthyhandmaidrelatedtome，herson，therehadstolenuponheraloveofwine。For，intheordinarycourseofthings，whenherparentssentherasasobermaidentodrawwinefromthecask，shewouldholdacupunderthetap；andthen，beforeshepouredthewineintothebottle，shewouldwetthetipsofherlipswithalittleofit，formorethanthishertasterefused。Shedidnotdothisoutofanycravingfordrink，butoutoftheoverflowingbuoyancyofhertimeoflife，whichbubblesupwithsportivenessandyouthfulspirits，butisusuallybornedownbythegravityoftheoldfolks。Andso，addingdailyalittletothatlittle——for”hethatcontemnssmallthingsshallfallbyalittlehereandalittlethere”[291]——sheslippedintosuchahabitastodrinkoffeagerlyherlittlecupnearlyfullofwine。 Wherenowwasthatwiseoldwomanandherstrictprohibition？ Couldanythingprevailagainstoursecretdiseaseifthymedicine，OLord，didnotwatchoverus？Thoughfatherandmotherandnurturersareabsent，thouartpresent，whodostcreate，whocallest，andwhoalsoworkestsomegoodforoursalvation，throughthosewhoaresetoverus。Whatdidstthoudoatthattime，OmyGod？Howdidstthouhealher？Howdidstthoumakeherwhole？ Didstthounotbringforthfromanotherwoman’ssoulahardandbitterinsult，likeasurgeon’sknifefromthysecretstore，andwithonethrustdrainoffallthatputrefaction？Fortheslavegirlwhousedtoaccompanyhertothecellarfelltoquarrelingwithherlittlemistress，asitsometimeshappenedwhenshewasalonewithher，andcastinherteeththisviceofhers，alongwithaverybitterinsult:callingher”adrunkard。”Stungbythistaunt，mymothersawherownvilenessandimmediatelycondemnedandrenouncedit。 Astheflatteryoffriendscorrupts，sooftendothetauntsofenemiesinstruct。Yetthourepayestthem，notforthegoodthouworkestthroughtheirmeans，butforthemalicetheyintended。Thatangryslavegirlwantedtoinfuriateheryoungmistress，nottocureher；andthatiswhyshespokeupwhentheywerealone。Orperhapsitwasbecausetheirquarreljusthappenedtobreakoutatthattimeandplace；orperhapsshewasafraidofpunishmentforhavingtoldofitsolate。 Butthou，OLord，rulerofheavenandearth，whochangesttothypurposesthedeepestfloodsandcontrolstheturbulenttideoftheages，thouhealestonesoulbytheunsoundnessofanother；sothatnoman，whenhehearsofsuchahappening，shouldattributeittohisownpowerifanotherpersonwhomhewishestoreformisreformedthroughawordofhis。 CHAPTERIX 19。Thusmodestlyandsoberlybroughtup，shewasmadesubjecttoherparentsbythee，rathermorethanbyherparentstothee。Shearrivedatamarriageableage，andshewasgiventoahusbandwhomsheservedasherlord。Andshebusiedherselftogainhimtothee，preachingtheetohimbyherbehavior，inwhichthoumadestherfairandreverentlyamiable，andadmirabletoherhusband。Forsheenduredwithpatiencehisinfidelityandneverhadanydissensionwithherhusbandonthisaccount。Forshewaitedforthymercyuponhimuntil，bybelievinginthee，hemightbecomechaste。 Moreover，eventhoughhewasearnestinfriendship，hewasalsoviolentinanger；butshehadlearnedthatanangryhusbandshouldnotberesisted，eitherindeedorinword。Butassoonashehadgrowncalmandwastranquil，andshesawafittingmoment，shewouldgivehimareasonforherconduct，ifhehadbeenexcitedunreasonably。Asaresult，whilemanymatronswhosehusbandsweremoregentlethanhersborethemarksofblowsontheirdisfiguredfaces，andwouldinprivatetalkblamethebehavioroftheirhusbands，shewouldblametheirtongues，admonishingthemseriously——thoughinajestingmanner——thatfromthehourtheyheardwhatarecalledthematrimonialtabletsreadtothem，theyshouldthinkofthemasinstrumentsbywhichtheyweremadeservants。So，alwaysbeingmindfuloftheircondition，theyoughtnottosetthemselvesupinoppositiontotheirlords。And，knowingwhatafurious，bad-temperedhusbandsheendured，theymarveledthatithadneverbeenrumored，norwasthereanymarktoshow，thatPatriciushadeverbeatenhiswife，orthattherehadbeenanydomesticstrifebetweenthem，evenforaday。Andwhentheyaskedherconfidentiallythereasonforthis，shetaughtthemtheruleIhavementioned。Thosewhoobserveditconfirmedthewisdomofitandrejoiced；thosewhodidnotobserveitwerebulliedandvexed。 20。Evenhermother-in-law，whowasatfirstprejudicedagainstherbythewhisperingsofmaliciousservants，sheconqueredbysubmission，perseveringinitwithpatienceandmeekness；withtheresultthatthemother-in-lawtoldhersonofthetalesofthemeddlingservantswhichhaddisturbedthedomesticpeacebetweenherselfandherdaughter-in-lawandbeggedhimtopunishthemforit。Inconformitywithhismother’swish，andintheinterestoffamilydisciplinetoinsurethefutureharmonyofitsmembers，hehadthoseservantsbeatenwhowerepointedoutbyherwhohaddiscoveredthem；andshepromisedasimilarrewardtoanyoneelsewho，thinkingtopleaseher，shouldsayanythingevilofherdaughter-in-law。Afterthisnoonedaredtodoso，andtheylivedtogetherwithawonderfulsweetnessofmutualgoodwill。 21。Thisothergreatgiftthoualsodidstbestow，OmyGod，myMercy，uponthatgoodhandmaidofthine，inwhosewombthoudidstcreateme。Itwasthatwhenevershecouldsheactedasapeacemakerbetweenanydifferinganddiscordantspirits，andwhensheheardverybitterthingsoneithersideofacontroversy—— thekindofbloatedandundigesteddiscordwhichoftenbelchesforthbitterwords，whencrudemaliceisbreathedoutbysharptonguestoapresentfriendagainstanabsentenemy——shewoulddisclosenothingabouttheonetotheotherexceptwhatmightservetowardtheirreconciliation。ThismightseemasmallgoodtomeifIdidnotknowtomysorrowcountlesspersonswho，throughthehorridandfar-spreadinginfectionofsin，notonlyrepeattoenemiesmutuallyenragedthingssaidinpassionagainsteachother，butalsoaddsomethingsthatwereneversaidatall。 Itoughtnottobeenoughinatrulyhumanemanmerelynottoinciteorincreasetheenmitiesofmenbyevil-speaking；heoughtlikewisetoendeavorbykindwordstoextinguishthem。Suchaonewasshe——andthou，hermostintimateinstructor，didstteachherintheschoolofherheart。 22。Finally，herownhusband，nowtowardtheendofhisearthlyexistence，shewonovertothee。Henceforth，shehadnocausetocomplainofunfaithfulnessinhim，whichshehadenduredbeforehebecameoneofthefaithful。Shewasalsotheservantofthyservants。Allthosewhoknewhergreatlypraised，honored，andlovedtheeinherbecause，throughthewitnessofthefruitsofaholylife，theyrecognizedtheepresentinherheart。Forshehad”beenthewifeofoneman，”[292]hadhonoredherparents，hadguidedherhouseinpiety，washighlyreputedforgoodworks，andbroughtupherchildren，travailinginlaborwiththemasoftenasshesawthemswervingfromthee。Lastly，toallofus，O Lord——sinceofthyfavorthouallowestthyservantstospeak—— toallofuswholivedtogetherinthatassociationbeforeherdeathintheeshedevotedsuchcareasshemighthaveifshehadbeenmotherofusall；sheservedusasifshehadbeenthedaughterofusall。 CHAPTERX 23。Asthedaynowapproachedonwhichshewastodepartthislife——adaywhichthouknewest，butwhichwedidnot——ithappened(thoughIbelieveitwasbythysecretwaysarranged) thatsheandIstoodalone，leaninginacertainwindowfromwhichthegardenofthehouseweoccupiedatOstiacouldbeseen。Hereinthisplace，removedfromthecrowd，wewererestingourselvesforthevoyageafterthefatiguesofalongjourney。 Wewereconversingaloneverypleasantlyand”forgettingthosethingswhicharepast，andreachingforwardtowardthosethingswhicharefuture。”[293]Wewereinthepresent——andinthepresenceofTruth(whichthouart)——discussingtogetherwhatisthenatureoftheeternallifeofthesaints:whicheyehasnotseen，norearheard，neitherhasenteredintotheheartofman。[294]Weopenedwidethemouthofourheart，thirstingforthosesupernalstreamsofthyfountain，”thefountainoflife” whichiswiththee，[295]thatwemightbesprinkledwithitswatersaccordingtoourcapacityandmightinsomemeasureweighthetruthofsoprofoundamystery。 24。Andwhenourconversationhadbroughtustothepointwheretheveryhighestofphysicalsenseandthemostintenseilluminationofphysicallightseemed，incomparisonwiththesweetnessofthatlifetocome，notworthyofcomparison，norevenofmention，weliftedourselveswithamoreardentlovetowardtheSelfsame，[296]andwegraduallypassedthroughallthelevelsofbodilyobjects，andeventhroughtheheavenitself，wherethesunandmoonandstarsshineontheearth。Indeed，wesoaredhigheryetbyaninnermusing，speakingandmarvelingatthyworks。 Andwecameatlasttoourownmindsandwentbeyondthem，thatwemightclimbashighasthatregionofunfailingplentywherethoufeedestIsraelforeverwiththefoodoftruth，wherelifeisthatWisdombywhomallthingsaremade，bothwhichhavebeenandwhicharetobe。Wisdomisnotmade，butisasshehasbeenandforevershallbe；for”tohavebeen”and”tobehereafter”donotapplytoher，butonly”tobe，”becausesheiseternaland”tohavebeen”and”tobehereafter”arenoteternal。 Andwhilewewerethusspeakingandstrainingafterher，wejustbarelytouchedherwiththewholeeffortofourhearts。Thenwithasigh，leavingthefirstfruitsoftheSpiritboundtothatecstasy，wereturnedtothesoundsofourowntongue，wherethespokenwordhadbothbeginningandend。[297]ButwhatisliketothyWord，ourLord，whoremainethinhimselfwithoutbecomingold，and”makesallthingsnew”[298]？ 25。Whatwesaidwentsomethinglikethis:”Iftoanymanthetumultofthefleshweresilenced；andthephantomsofearthandwatersandairweresilenced；andthepolesweresilentaswell；indeed，iftheverysoulgrewsilenttoherself，andwentbeyondherselfbynotthinkingofherself；iffanciesandimaginaryrevelationsweresilenced；ifeverytongueandeverysignandeverytransientthing——foractuallyifanymancouldhearthem，allthesewouldsay，’Wedidnotcreateourselves，butwerecreatedbyHimwhoabidesforever’——andif，havingutteredthis，theytooshouldbesilent，havingstirredourearstohearhimwhocreatedthem；andifthenhealonespoke，notthroughthembutbyhimself，thatwemighthearhisword，notinfleshlytongueorangelicvoice，norsoundofthunder，northeobscurityofaparable，butmighthearhim——himforwhosesakewelovethesethings——ifwecouldhearhimwithoutthese，aswetwonowstrainedourselvestodo，wethenwithrapidthoughtmighttouchonthatEternalWisdomwhichabidesoverall。Andifthiscouldbesustained，andothervisionsofafardifferentkindbetakenaway，andthisoneshouldsoravishandabsorbandenvelopitsbeholderintheseinwardjoysthathislifemightbeeternallylikethatonemomentofknowledgewhichwenowsighedafter—— wouldnot_this_betherealityofthesaying，’EnterintothejoyofthyLord’[299]？Butwhenshallsuchathingbe？Shallitnotbe’whenweallshallriseagain，’andshallitnotbethat’allthingswillbechanged’[300]？” 26。SuchathoughtIwasexpressing，andifnotinthismannerandinthesewords，still，OLord，thouknowestthatonthatdayweweretalkingthusandthatthisworld，withallitsjoys，seemedcheaptousevenaswespoke。Thenmymothersaid:”Son，formyselfIhavenolongeranypleasureinanythinginthislife。Nowthatmyhopesinthisworldaresatisfied，IdonotknowwhatmoreIwanthereorwhyIamhere。TherewasindeedonethingforwhichIwishedtotarryalittleinthislife，andthatwasthatImightseeyouaCatholicChristianbeforeIdied。MyGodhathansweredthismorethanabundantly，sothatIseeyounowmadehisservantandspurningallearthlyhappiness。WhatmoreamItodohere？” CHAPTERXI 27。IdonotwellrememberwhatreplyImadetoheraboutthis。However，itwasscarcelyfivedayslater——certainlynotmuchmore——thatshewasprostratedbyfever。Whileshewassick，shefaintedonedayandwasforashorttimequiteunconscious。Wehurriedtoher，andwhenshesoonregainedhersenses，shelookedatmeandmybrother[301]aswestoodbyher，andsaid，ininquiry，”WherewasI？”Thenlookingintentlyatus，dumbinourgrief，shesaid，”Hereinthisplaceshallyouburyyourmother。”Iwassilentandheldbackmytears；butmybrothersaidsomething，wishingherthehappierlotofdyinginherowncountryandnotabroad。Whensheheardthis，shefixedhimwithhereyeandananxiouscountenance，becausehesavoredofsuchearthlyconcerns，andthengazingatmeshesaid，”Seehowhespeaks。”Soonafter，shesaidtousboth:”Laythisbodyanywhere，anddonotletthecareofitbeatroubletoyouatall。OnlythisIask:thatyouwillremembermeattheLord’saltar，whereveryouare。”Andwhenshehadexpressedherwishinsuchwordsasshecould，shefellsilent，inheavypainwithherincreasingsickness。 28。ButasIthoughtaboutthygifts，OinvisibleGod，whichthouplantestintheheartofthyfaithfulones，fromwhichsuchmarvelousfruitsspringup，Irejoicedandgavethankstothee，rememberingwhatIhadknownofhowshehadalwaysbeenmuchconcernedaboutherburialplace，whichshehadprovidedandpreparedforherselfbythebodyofherhusband。Forastheyhadlivedverypeacefullytogether，herdesirehadalwaysbeen——solittleisthehumanmindcapableofgraspingthingsdivine——thatthislastshouldbeaddedtoallthathappiness，andcommentedonbyothers:that，afterherpilgrimagebeyondthesea，itwouldbegrantedherthatthetwoofthem，sounitedonearth，shouldlieinthesamegrave。 Whenthisvanity，throughthebountyofthygoodness，hadbeguntobenolongerinherheart，Idonotknow；butIjoyfullymarveledatwhatshehadthusdisclosedtome——thoughindeedinourconversationinthewindow，whenshesaid，”Whatistherehereformetodoanymore？”sheappearednottodesiretodieinherowncountry。Iheardlateronthat，duringourstayinOstia，shehadbeentalkinginmaternalconfidencetosomeofmyfriendsabouthercontemptofthislifeandtheblessingofdeath。Whentheywereamazedatthecouragewhichwasgivenher，awoman，andhadaskedherwhethershedidnotdreadhavingherbodyburiedsofarfromherowncity，shereplied:”NothingisfarfromGod。I donotfearthat，attheendoftime，heshouldnotknowtheplacewhenceheistoresurrectme。”Andsoontheninthdayofhersickness，inthefifty-sixthyearofherlifeandthethirty-thirdofmine，[302]thatreligiousanddevoutsoulwassetloosefromthebody。 CHAPTERXII 29。Iclosedhereyes；andthereflowedinagreatsadnessonmyheartanditwaspassingintotears，whenatthestrongbehestofmymindmyeyessuckedbackthefountaindry，andsorrowwasinmelikeaconvulsion。Assoonasshebreathedherlast，theboyAdeodatusburstoutwailing；buthewascheckedbyusall，andbecamequiet。Likewise，myownchildishfeelingwhichwas，throughtheyouthfulvoiceofmyheart，seekingescapeintears，washeldbackandsilenced。Forwedidnotconsideritfittingtocelebratethatdeathwithtearfulwailsandgroanings。Thisisthewaythosewhodieunhappyorarealtogetherdeadareusuallymourned。Butsheneitherdiedunhappynordidshealtogetherdie。[303]Forofthiswewereassuredbythewitnessofhergoodlife，her”faithunfeigned，”[304]andothermanifestevidence。 30。Whatwasit，then，thathurtmesogrievouslyinmyheartexceptthenewlymadewound，causedfromhavingthesweetanddearhabitoflivingtogetherwithhersuddenlybroken？Iwasfullofjoybecauseofhertestimonyinherlastillness，whenshepraisedmydutifulattentionandcalledmekind，andrecalledwithgreataffectionoflovethatshehadneverheardanyharshorreproachfulsoundfrommymouthagainsther。Butyet，OmyGodwhomadeus，howcanthathonorIpaidherbecomparedwithherservicetome？Iwasthenleftdestituteofagreatcomfortinher，andmysoulwasstricken；andthatlifewastornapart，asitwere，whichhadbeenmadebutoneoutofhersandminetogether。[305] 31。Whentheboywasrestrainedfromweeping，EvodiustookupthePsalterandbegantosing，withthewholehouseholdresponding，thepsalm，”Iwillsingofmercyandjudgmentuntothee，OLord。”[306]Andwhentheyheardwhatweweredoing，manyofthebrethrenandreligiouswomencametogether。Andwhilethosewhoseofficeitwastoprepareforthefuneralwentabouttheirtaskaccordingtocustom，Idiscoursedinanotherpartofthehouse，withthosewhothoughtIshouldnotbeleftalone，onwhatwasappropriatetotheoccasion。Bythisbalmoftruth，I softenedtheanguishknowntothee。Theywereunconsciousofitandlistenedintentlyandthoughtmefreeofanysenseofsorrow。 Butinthyears，wherenoneofthemheard，Ireproachedmyselfforthemildnessofmyfeelings，andrestrainedtheflowofmygriefwhichbowedalittletomywill。Theparoxysmreturnedagain，andIknewwhatIrepressedinmyheart，eventhoughitdidnotmakemeburstforthintotearsorevenchangemycountenance；andIwasgreatlyannoyedthatthesehumanthingshadsuchpoweroverme，whichinthedueorderanddestinyofournaturalconditionmustofnecessityhappen。AndsowithanewsorrowIsorrowedformysorrowandwaswastedwithatwofoldsadness。 32。So，whenthebodywascarriedforth，webothwentandreturnedwithouttears。Forneitherinthoseprayerswhichwepouredforthtothee，whenthesacrificeofourredemptionwasoffereduptotheeforher——withthebodyplacedbythesideofthegraveasthecustomisthere，beforeitislowereddownintoit——neitherinthoseprayersdidIweep。ButIwasmostgrievouslysadinsecretalltheday，andwithatroubledmindentreatedthee，asIcould，tohealmysorrow；butthoudidstnot。 Inowbelievethatthouwastfixinginmymemory，bythisonelesson，thepowerofthebondsofallhabit，evenonamindwhichnownolongerfeedsupondeception。Itthenoccurredtomethatitwouldbeagoodthingtogoandbathe，forIhadheardthatthewordforbath[balneum]tookitsnamefromtheGreekbalaneion，becauseitwashesanxietyfromthemind。Nowsee，thisalsoI confesstothymercy，”OFatherofthefatherless”[307]:IbathedandfeltthesameasIhaddonebefore。Forthebitternessofmygriefwasnotsweatedfrommyheart。 ThenIslept，andwhenIawokeIfoundmygriefnotalittleassuaged。AndasIlaythereonmybed，thosetrueversesofAmbrosecametomymind，forthouarttruly，”Deus，creatoromnium，Poliquerector，vestiensDiemdecorolumine，Noctemsoporagratia； ArtussolutosutquiesReddatlaborisusuiMentesquefessasallevet，Luctusquesolvatanxios。””OGod，Creatorofusall，Guidingtheorbscelestial，Clothingthedaywithlovelylight，Appointinggracioussleepbynight: ThygraceourweariedlimbsrestoreTostrengthenedlabor，asbefore，AndeasethegriefoftiredmindsFromthatdeeptormentwhichitfinds。”[308] 33。Andthen，littlebylittle，therecamebacktomemyformermemoriesofthyhandmaid:herdevoutlifetowardthee，herholytendernessandattentivenesstowardus，whichhadsuddenlybeentakenawayfromme——anditwasasolaceformetoweepinthysight，forherandformyself，aboutherandaboutmyself。 ThusIsetfreethetearswhichbeforeIrepressed，thattheymightflowatwill，spreadingthemoutasapillowbeneathmyheart。Anditrestedonthem，forthyearswerenearme——notthoseofaman，whowouldhavemadeascornfulcommentaboutmyweeping。ButnowinwritingIconfessittothee，OLord！Readitwhowill，andcommenthowhewill，andifhefindsmetohavesinnedinweepingformymotherforpartofanhour——thatmotherwhowasforawhiledeadtomyeyes，whohadformanyyearsweptformethatImightliveinthyeyes——lethimnotlaughatme； butifhebeamanofgenerouslove，lethimweepformysinsagainstthee，theFatherofallthebrethrenofthyChrist。 CHAPTERXIII 34。Nowthatmyheartishealedofthatwound——sofarasitcanbechargedagainstmeasacarnalaffection——Ipourouttothee，OourGod，onbehalfofthyhandmaid，tearsofaverydifferentsort:thosewhichflowfromaspiritbrokenbythethoughtsofthedangersofeverysoulthatdiesinAdam。Andwhileshehadbeen”madealive”inChrist[309]evenbeforeshewasfreedfromtheflesh，andhadsolivedastopraisethynamebothbyherfaithandbyherlife，yetIwouldnotdaresaythatfromthetimethoudidstregenerateherbybaptismnowordcameoutofhermouthagainstthyprecepts。ButithasbeendeclaredbythySon，theTruth，that”whosoevershallsaytohisbrother，Youfool，shallbeindangerofhell-fire。”[310]Andtherewouldbedoomevenforthelifeofapraiseworthymanifthoujudgedstitwiththymercysetaside。Butsincethoudostnotsostringentlyinquireafteroursins，wehopewithconfidencetofindsomeplaceinthypresence。Butwhoeverrecountshisactualandtruemeritstothee，whatishedoingbutrecountingtotheethyowngifts？ Oh，ifonlymenwouldknowthemselvesasmen，then”hethatglories”would”gloryintheLord”[311]！ 35。Thusnow，OmyPraiseandmyLife，OGodofmyheart，forgettingforalittlehergooddeedsforwhichIgivejoyfulthankstothee，Inowbeseechtheeforthesinsofmymother。 Hearkenuntome，throughthatMedicineofourwounds，whodidsthanguponthetreeandwhosittestatthyrighthand”makingintercessionforus。”[312]Iknowthatsheactedinmercy，andfromtheheartforgaveherdebtorstheirdebts。[313]Ibeseechtheealsotoforgiveherdebts，whatevershecontractedduringsomanyyearssincethewaterofsalvation。Forgiveher，OLord，forgiveher，Ibeseechthee；”enternotintojudgment”withher。[314]Letthymercybeexaltedabovethyjustice，forthywordsaretrueandthouhastpromisedmercytothemerciful，thatthemercifulshallobtainmercy。[315]Thisisthygift，whohastmercyonwhomthouwiltandwhowilthavecompassiononwhomthoudosthavecompassionon。[316] 36。Indeed，IbelievethouhastalreadydonewhatIaskofthee，but”acceptthefreewillofferingsofmymouth，O Lord。”[317]Forwhenthedayofherdissolutionwassoclose，shetooknothoughttohaveherbodysumptuouslywrappedorembalmedwithspices。Nordidshecovetahandsomemonument，orevencaretobeburiedinherowncountry。Aboutthesethingsshegavenocommandsatall，butonlydesiredtohavehernamerememberedatthyaltar，whereshehadservedwithouttheomissionofasingleday，andwheresheknewthattheholysacrificewasdispensedbywhichthathandwritingthatwasagainstusisblottedout；andthatenemyvanquishedwho，whenhesummedupouroffensesandsearchedforsomethingtobringagainstus，couldfindnothinginHim，inwhomweconquer。 Whowillrestoretohimtheinnocentblood？Whowillrepayhimthepricewithwhichheboughtus，soastotakeusfromhim？ Thustothesacramentofourredemptiondidthyhandmaidbindhersoulbythebondoffaith。Letnoneseparateherfromthyprotection。Letnotthe”lion”and”dragon”barherwaybyforceorfraud。Forshewillnotreplythatsheowesnothing，lestshebeconvictedanddupedbythatcunningdeceiver。Rather，shewillanswerthathersinsareforgivenbyHimtowhomnooneisabletorepaythepricewhichhe，whoowedusnothing，laiddownforusall。 37。Therefore，letherrestinpeacewithherhusband，beforeandafterwhomshewasmarriedtonootherman；whomsheobeyedwithpatience，bringingfruittotheethatshemightalsowinhimforthee。Andinspire，OmyLordmyGod，inspirethyservants，mybrothers；thysons，mymasters，whowithvoiceandheartandwritingsIserve，thatasmanyofthemasshallreadtheseconfessionsmayalsoatthyaltarrememberMonica，thyhandmaid，togetherwithPatricius，onceherhusband；bywhosefleshthoudidstbringmeintothislife，inamannerIknownot。 Maytheywithpiousaffectionremembermyparentsinthistransitorylife，andremembermybrothersundertheeourFatherinourCatholicmother；andremembermyfellowcitizensintheeternalJerusalem，forwhichthypeoplesighintheirpilgrimagefrombirthuntiltheirreturn。Sobefulfilledwhatmymotherdesiredofme——morerichlyintheprayersofsomanygainedforherthroughtheseconfessionsofminethanbymyprayersalone。 BOOKTEN Fromautobiographytoself-analysis。Augustineturnsfromhismemoriesofthepasttotheinnermysteriesofmemoryitself。 Indoingso，hereviewshismotivesforthesewritten”confessions，”andseekstochartthepathbywhichmencometoGod。Butthisbringshimintotheintricateanalysisofmemoryanditsrelationtotheselfanditspowers。Thisdone，heexploresthemeaningandmodeoftrueprayer。Inconclusion，heundertakesadetailedanalysisofappetiteandthetemptationstowhichthefleshandthesoulareheirs，andcomesfinallytoseehownecessaryandrightitwasfortheMediatorbetweenGodandmantohavebeentheGod-Man。 CHAPTERI 1。Letmeknowthee，OmyKnower；letmeknowtheeevenasI amknown。[318]OStrengthofmysoul，enteritandprepareitforthyselfthatthoumayesthaveandholdit，without”spotorblemish。”[319]Thisismyhope，thereforehaveIspoken；andinthishopeIrejoicewheneverIrejoicearight。Butasfortheotherthingsofthislife，theydeserveourlamentationsless，themorewelamentthem；andsomeshouldbelamentedallthemore，thelessmencareforthem。Forsee，”Thoudesiresttruth”[320]and”hewhodoesthetruthcomestothelight。”[321]ThisiswhatI wishtodothroughconfessioninmyheartbeforethee，andinmywritingsbeforemanywitnesses。 CHAPTERII 2。Andwhatisthereinmethatcouldbehiddenfromthee，Lord，towhoseeyestheabyssesofman’sconsciencearenaked，evenifIwereunwillingtoconfessittothee？IndoingsoI wouldonlyhidetheefrommyself，notmyselffromthee。ButnowthatmygroaningiswitnesstothefactthatIamdissatisfiedwithmyself，thoushinestforthandsatisfiest。Thouartbelovedanddesired；sothatIblushformyself，andrenouncemyselfandchoosethee，forIcanneitherpleasetheenormyselfexceptinthee。Tothee，then，OLord，Iamlaidbare，whateverIam，andI havealreadysaidwithwhatprofitImayconfesstothee。Idonotdoitwithwordsandsoundsofthefleshbutwiththewordsofthesoul，andwiththesoundofmythoughts，whichthyearknows。 ForwhenIamwicked，toconfesstotheemeansnothinglessthantobedissatisfiedwithmyself；butwhenIamtrulydevout，itmeansnothinglessthannottoattributemyvirtuetomyself； becausethou，OLord，blessesttherighteous，butfirstthoujustifiesthimwhileheisyetungodly。Myconfessiontherefore，OmyGod，ismadeuntotheesilentlyinthysight——andyetnotsilently。Asfarassoundisconcerned，itissilent。Butinstrongaffectionitcriesaloud。ForneitherdoIgivevoicetosomethingthatsoundsrighttomen，whichthouhastnotheardfrommebefore，nordostthouhearanythingofthekindfrommewhichthoudidstnotfirstsaytome。 CHAPTERIII 3。Whatisittomethatmenshouldhearmyconfessionsasifitweretheywhoweregoingtocureallmyinfirmities？Peoplearecurioustoknowthelivesofothers，butslowtocorrecttheirown。WhyaretheyanxioustohearfrommewhatIam，whentheyareunwillingtohearfromtheewhattheyare？AndhowcantheytellwhentheyhearwhatIsayaboutmyselfwhetherIspeakthetruth，sincenomanknowswhatisinaman”savethespiritofmanwhichisinhim”[322]？Butiftheyweretohearfromtheesomethingconcerningthemselves，theywouldnotbeabletosay，”TheLordislying。”Forwhatdoesitmeantohearfromtheeaboutthemselvesbuttoknowthemselves？Andwhoishethatknowshimselfandsays，”Thisisfalse，”unlesshehimselfislying？ But，because”lovebelievesallthings”[323]——atleastamongthosewhoareboundtogetherinlovebyitsbonds——Iconfesstothee，OLord，sothatmenmayalsohear；forifIcannotprovetothemthatIconfessthetruth，yetthosewhoseearsloveopenstomewillbelieveme。 4。Butwiltthou，OmyinnerPhysician，makecleartomewhatprofitIamtogainindoingthis？Fortheconfessionsofmypastsins(whichthouhast”forgivenandcovered”[324]thatthoumightestmakemeblessedinthee，transformingmysoulbyfaithandthysacrament)，when_they_arereadandheard，maystiruptheheartsothatitwillstopdozingalongindespair，saying，”I cannot”；butwillinsteadawakeintheloveofthymercyandthesweetnessofthygrace，bywhichhethatisweakisstrong，providedheismadeconsciousofhisownweakness。Anditwillpleasethosewhoaregoodtohearaboutthepasterrorsofthosewhoarenowfreedfromthem。Andtheywilltakedelight，notbecausetheyareerrors，butbecausetheywereandaresonolonger。Whatprofit，then，OLordmyGod——towhommyconsciencemakesherdailyconfession，farmoreconfidentinthehopeofthymercythaninherowninnocence——whatprofitisthere，Iaskthee，inconfessingtomeninthypresence，throughthisbook，bothwhatIamnowaswellaswhatIhavebeen？ForIhaveseenandspokenofmyharvestofthingspast。ButwhatamI_now_，atthisverymomentofmakingmyconfessions？Manydifferentpeopledesiretoknow，boththosewhoknowmeandthosewhodonotknowme。Somehaveheardaboutmeorfromme，buttheirearisnotclosetomyheart，whereIamwhateveritisthatIam。TheyhavethedesiretohearmeconfesswhatIamwithin，wheretheycanneitherextendeyenorearnormind。Theydesireasthosewillingtobelieve——butwilltheyunderstand？ForthelovebywhichtheyaregoodtellsthemthatIamnotlyinginmyconfessions，andtheloveinthembelievesme。 CHAPTERIV 5。Butforwhatprofitdotheydesirethis？WilltheywishmehappinesswhentheylearnhownearIhaveapproachedthee，bythygifts？AndwilltheyprayformewhentheylearnhowmuchI amstillkeptbackbymyownweight？TosuchastheseIwilldeclaremyself。Foritisnosmallprofit，OLordmyGod，thatmanypeopleshouldgivethankstotheeonmyaccountandthatmanyshouldentreattheeformysake。Letthebrotherlysoulloveinmewhatthouteachesthimshouldbeloved，andlethimlamentinmewhatthouteachesthimshouldbelamented。Letitbethesoulofabrotherthatdoesthis，andnotastranger——notoneofthose”strangechildren，whosemouthspeaksvanity，andwhoserighthandistherighthandoffalsehood。”[325]Butletmybrotherdoitwho，whenheapprovesofme，rejoicesforme，butwhenhedisapprovesofmeissorryforme；becausewhetherheapprovesordisapproves，helovesme。TosuchIwilldeclaremyself。Letthemberefreshedbymygooddeedsandsighovermyevilones。Mygooddeedsarethyactsandthygifts；myevilonesaremyownfaultsandthyjudgment。Letthembreatheexpansivelyattheoneandsighovertheother。Andlethymnsandtearsascendinthysightoutoftheirbrotherlyhearts——whicharethycensers。[326]And，OLord，whotakestdelightintheincenseofthyholytemple，havemercyuponmeaccordingtothygreatmercy，forthyname’ssake。Anddonot，onanyaccountwhatever，abandonwhatthouhastbeguninme。Goon，rather，tocompletewhatisyetimperfectinme。 6。This，then，isthefruitofmyconfessions(notofwhatI was，butofwhatIam)，thatImaynotconfessthisbeforetheealone，inasecretexultationwithtremblingandasecretsorrowwithhope，butalsointheearsofthebelievingsonsofmen—— whoarethecompanionsofmyjoyandsharersofmymortality，myfellowcitizensandfellowpilgrims——thosewhohavegonebeforeandthosewhoaretofollowafter，aswellasthecomradesofmypresentway。Thesearethyservants，mybrothers，whomthoudesiresttobethysons。Theyaremymasters，whomthouhastcommandedmetoserveifIdesiretolivewithandinthee。ButthisthyWordwouldmeanlittletomeifitcommandedinwordsalone，withoutthyprevenientaction。Idothis，then，bothinactandword。Idothisunderthywings，inadangertoogreattoriskifitwerenotthatunderthywingsmysoulissubjecttothee，andmyweaknessknowntothee。Iaminsufficient，butmyFatherlivethforever，andmyDefenderissufficientforme。ForheistheSelfsamewhodidstbegetmeandwhowatchethoverme； thouarttheSelfsamewhoartallmygood。ThouarttheOmnipotent，whoartwithme，evenbeforeIamwiththee。Tothose，therefore，whomthoucommandestmetoserve，Iwilldeclare，notwhatIwas，butwhatInowamandwhatIwillcontinuetobe。ButIdonotjudgemyself。Thus，therefore，letmebeheard。 CHAPTERV 7。Foritisthou，OLord，whojudgestme。Foralthoughnoman”knowsthethingsofaman，savethespiritofthemanwhichisinhim，”[327]yetthereissomethingofmanwhich”thespiritofthemanwhichisinhim”doesnotknowitself。Butthou，O Lord，whomadesthim，knowesthimcompletely。AndevenI—— thoughinthysightIdespisemyselfandcountmyselfbutdustandashes——evenIknowsomethingabouttheewhichIdonotknowaboutmyself。Anditiscertainthat”nowweseethroughaglassdarkly，”notyet”facetoface。”[328]Therefore，aslongasI journeyawayfromthee，Iammorepresentwithmyselfthanwiththee。Iknowthatthoucanstnotsufferviolence，butImyselfdonotknowwhattemptationsIcanresist，andwhatIcannot。Butthereishope，becausethouartfaithfulandthouwiltnotallowustobetemptedbeyondourabilitytoresist，butwiltwiththetemptationalsomakeawayofescapethatwemaybeabletobearit。IwouldthereforeconfesswhatIknowaboutmyself；IwillalsoconfesswhatIdonotknowaboutmyself。WhatIdoknowofmyself，Iknowfromthyenlighteningofme；andwhatIdonotknowofmyself，Iwillcontinuenottoknowuntilthetimewhenmy”darknessisasthenoonday”[329]inthysight。 CHAPTERVI 8。Itisnotwithadoubtfulconsciousness，butonefullycertainthatIlovethee，OLord。ThouhastsmittenmyheartwiththyWord，andIhavelovedthee。Andseealsotheheaven，andearth，andallthatisinthem——oneverysidetheytellmetolovethee，andtheydonotceasetotellthistoallmen，”sothattheyarewithoutexcuse。”[330]Wherefore，stillmoredeeplywiltthouhavemercyonwhomthouwilthavemercy，andcompassiononwhomthouwilthavecompassion。[331]Forotherwise，bothheavenandearthwouldtellabroadthypraisestodeafears。 ButwhatisitthatIloveinlovingthee？Notphysicalbeauty，northesplendoroftime，northeradianceofthelight—— sopleasanttooureyes——northesweetmelodiesofthevariouskindsofsongs，northefragrantsmellofflowersandointmentsandspices；notmannaandhoney，notthelimbsembracedinphysicallove——itisnottheseIlovewhenIlovemyGod。YetitistruethatIloveacertainkindoflightandsoundandfragranceandfoodandembraceinlovingmyGod，whoisthelightandsoundandfragranceandfoodandembracementofmyinnerman——wherethatlightshinesintomysoulwhichnoplacecancontain，wheretimedoesnotsnatchawaythelovelysound，wherenobreezedispersesthesweetfragrance，wherenoeatingdiminishesthefoodthereprovided，andwherethereisanembracethatnosatietycomestosunder。ThisiswhatIlovewhenIlovemyGod。 9。AndwhatisthisGod？Iaskedtheearth，anditanswered，”Iamnothe”；andeverythingintheearthmadethesameconfession。Iaskedtheseaandthedeepsandthecreepingthings，andtheyreplied，”WearenotyourGod；seekaboveus。”I askedthefleetingwinds，andthewholeairwithitsinhabitantsanswered，”Anaximenes[332]wasdeceived；IamnotGod。”Iaskedtheheavens，thesun，moon，andstars；andtheyanswered，”NeitherarewetheGodwhomyouseek。”AndIrepliedtoallthesethingswhichstandaroundthedoorofmyflesh:”YouhavetoldmeaboutmyGod，thatyouarenothe。Tellmesomethingabouthim。”Andwithaloudvoicetheyallcriedout，”Hemadeus。”Myquestionhadcomefrommyobservationofthem，andtheirreplycamefromtheirbeautyoforder。AndIturnedmythoughtsintomyselfandsaid，”Whoareyou？”AndIanswered，”Aman。”Forsee，thereisinmebothabodyandasoul；theonewithout，theotherwithin。 InwhichoftheseshouldIhavesoughtmyGod，whomIhadalreadysoughtwithmybodyfromearthtoheaven，asfarasIwasabletosendthosemessengers——thebeamsofmyeyes？Buttheinnerpartisthebetterpart；fortoit，asbothrulerandjudge，allthesemessengersofthesensesreporttheanswersofheavenandearthandallthethingstherein，whosaid，”WearenotGod，buthemadeus。”Myinnermanknewthesethingsthroughtheministryoftheouterman，andI，theinnerman，knewallthis——I，thesoul，throughthesensesofmybody。[333]IaskedthewholeframeofearthaboutmyGod，anditanswered，”Iamnothe，buthemademe。” 10。Isnotthisbeautyofformvisibletoallwhosesensesareunimpaired？Why，then，doesitnotsaythesamethingstoall？Animals，bothsmallandgreat，seeitbuttheyareunabletointerrogateitsmeaning，becausetheirsensesarenotendowedwiththereasonthatwouldenablethemtojudgetheevidencewhichthesensesreport。Butmancaninterrogateit，sothat”theinvisiblethingsofhim……areclearlyseen，beingunderstoodbythethingsthataremade。”[334]Butmenlovethesecreatedthingstoomuch；theyarebroughtintosubjectiontothem——and，assubjects，arenotabletojudge。Noneofthesecreatedthingsreplytotheirquestionersunlesstheycanmakerationaljudgments。Thecreatureswillnotaltertheirvoice——thatis，theirbeautyofform——ifonemansimplyseeswhatanotherbothseesandquestions，sothattheworldappearsonewaytothismanandanothertothat。Itappearsthesamewaytoboth；butitismutetothisoneanditspeakstothatone。Indeed，itactuallyspeakstoall，butonlytheyunderstanditwhocomparethevoicereceivedfromwithoutwiththetruthwithin。Forthetruthsaystome，”NeitherheavennorearthnoranybodyisyourGod。”Theirverynaturetellsthistotheonewhobeholds[335]them。”Theyareamass，lessinpartthanthewhole。”Now，Omysoul，youaremybetterpart，andtoyouIspeak；sinceyouanimatethewholemassofyourbody，givingitlife，whereasnobodyfurnisheslifetoabody。ButyourGodisthelifeofyourlife。 CHAPTERVII 11。Whatisit，then，thatIlovewhenIlovemyGod？Whoishethatisbeyondthetopmostpointofmysoul？YetbythisverysoulwillImountuptohim。IwillsoarbeyondthatpowerofminebywhichIamunitedtothebody，andbywhichthewholestructureofitisfilledwithlife。YetitisnotbythatvitalpowerthatIfindmyGod。Forthen”thehorseandthemule，thathavenounderstanding，”[336]alsomightfindhim，sincetheyhavethesamevitalpower，bywhichtheirbodiesalsolive。Butthereis，besidesthepowerbywhichIanimatemybody，anotherbywhichIendowmyfleshwithsense——apowerthattheLordhathprovidedforme；commandingthattheeyeisnottohearandtheearisnottosee，butthatIamtoseebytheeyeandtohearbytheear； andgivingtoeachoftheothersensesitsownproperplaceandfunction，throughthediversityofwhichI，thesinglemind，act。 Iwillsoaralsobeyondthispowerofmine，forthehorseandmulehavethistoo，fortheyalsoperceivethroughtheirbodilysenses。 CHAPTERVIII 12。Iwillsoar，then，beyondthispowerofmynaturealso，stillrisingbydegreestowardhimwhomademe。AndIenterthefieldsandspacioushallsofmemory，wherearestoredastreasuresthecountlessimagesthathavebeenbroughtintothemfromallmannerofthingsbythesenses。There，inthememory，islikewisestoredwhatwecogitate，eitherbyenlargingorreducingourperceptions，orbyalteringonewayoranotherthosethingswhichthesenseshavemadecontactwith；andeverythingelsethathasbeenentrustedtoitandstoredupinit，whichoblivionhasnotyetswallowedupandburied。 WhenIgointothisstorehouse，IaskthatwhatIwantshouldbebroughtforth。Somethingsappearimmediately，butothersrequiretobesearchedforlonger，andthendraggedout，asitwere，fromsomehiddenrecess。Otherthingshurryforthincrowds，ontheotherhand，andwhilesomethingelseissoughtandinquiredfor，theyleapintoviewasiftosay，”Isitnotwe，perhaps？”TheseIbrushawaywiththehandofmyheartfromthefaceofmymemory，untilfinallythethingIwantmakesitsappearanceoutofitssecretcell。Somethingssuggestthemselveswithouteffort，andincontinuousorder，justastheyarecalledfor——thethingsthatcomefirstgiveplacetothosethatfollow，andinsodoingaretreasuredupagaintobeforthcomingwhenI wantthem。AllofthishappenswhenIrepeatathingfrommemory。 13。Allthesethings，eachoneofwhichcameintomemoryinitsownparticularway，arestoredupseparatelyandunderthegeneralcategoriesofunderstanding。Forexample，lightandallcolorsandformsofbodiescameinthroughtheeyes；soundsofallkindsbytheears；allsmellsbythepassagesofthenostrils；allflavorsbythegateofthemouth；bythesensationofthewholebody，thereisbroughtinwhatishardorsoft，hotorcold，smoothorrough，heavyorlight，whetherexternalorinternaltothebody。Thevastcaveofmemory，withitsnumerousandmysteriousrecesses，receivesallthesethingsandstoresthemup，toberecalledandbroughtforthwhenrequired。Eachexperienceentersbyitsowndoor，andisstoredupinthememory。Andyetthethingsthemselvesdonotenterit，butonlytheimagesofthethingsperceivedarethereforthoughttoremember。Andwhocantellhowtheseimagesareformed，evenifitisevidentwhichofthesensesbroughtwhichperceptioninandstoreditup？ForevenwhenIamindarknessandsilenceIcanbringoutcolorsinmymemoryifIwish，anddiscernbetweenblackandwhiteandtheothershadesasIwish；andatthesametime，soundsdonotbreakinanddisturbwhatisdrawninbymyeyes，andwhichIamconsidering，becausethesoundswhicharealsotherearestoredup，asitwere，apart。AndthesetooIcansummonifIpleaseandtheyareimmediatelypresentinmemory。Andthoughmytongueisatrestandmythroatsilent，yetIcansingasIwill；andthoseimagesofcolor，whichareastrulypresentasbefore，donotinterposethemselvesorinterruptwhileanothertreasurewhichhadflowedinthroughtheearsisbeingthoughtabout。Similarlyalltheotherthingsthatwerebroughtinandheapedupbyalltheothersenses，Icanrecallatmypleasure。AndIdistinguishthescentofliliesfromthatofvioletswhileactuallysmellingnothing；andIpreferhoneytomead，asmooththingtoarough，eventhoughIamneithertastingnorhandlingthem，butonlyrememberingthem。 14。AllthisIdowithinmyself，inthathugehallofmymemory。Forinit，heaven，earth，andseaarepresenttome，andwhateverIcancogitateaboutthem——exceptwhatIhaveforgotten。TherealsoImeetmyselfandrecallmyself[337]—— what，when，orwhereIdidathing，andhowIfeltwhenIdidit。 ThereareallthethingsthatIremember，eitherhavingexperiencedthemmyselforbeentoldaboutthembyothers。Outofthesamestorehouse，withthesepastimpressions，Icanconstructnowthis，nowthat，imageofthingsthatIeitherhaveexperiencedorhavebelievedonthebasisofexperience——andfromtheseI canfurtherconstructfutureactions，events，andhopes；andIcanmeditateonallthesethingsasiftheywerepresent。”Iwilldothisorthat”——Isaytomyselfinthatvastrecessofmymind，withitsfullstoreofsomanyandsuchgreatimages——”andthisorthatwillfollowuponit。””Othatthisorthatcouldhappen！””Godpreventthisorthat。”Ispeaktomyselfinthisway；andwhenIspeak，theimagesofwhatIamspeakingaboutarepresentoutofthesamestoreofmemory；andiftheimageswereabsentI couldsaynothingatallaboutthem。 15。Greatisthispowerofmemory，exceedinglygreat，OmyGod——alargeandboundlessinnerhall！Whohasplumbedthedepthsofit？Yetitisapowerofmymind，anditbelongstomynature。ButIdonotmyselfgraspallthatIam。Thusthemindisfartoonarrowtocontainitself。Butwherecanthatpartofitbewhichitdoesnotcontain？Isitoutsideandnotinitself？ Howcanitbe，then，thatthemindcannotgraspitself？Agreatmarvelrisesinme；astonishmentseizesme。Mengoforthtomarvelattheheightsofmountainsandthehugewavesofthesea，thebroadflowoftherivers，thevastnessoftheocean，theorbitsofthestars，andyettheyneglecttomarvelatthemselves。 Nordotheywonderhowitisthat，whenIspokeofallthesethings，Iwasnotlookingatthemwithmyeyes——andyetIcouldnothavespokenaboutthemhaditnotbeenthatIwasactuallyseeingwithin，inmymemory，thosemountainsandwavesandriversandstarswhichIhaveseen，andthatoceanwhichIbelievein—— andwiththesamevastspacesbetweenthemaswhenIsawthemoutsideme。ButwhenIsawthemoutsideme，Ididnottakethemintomebyseeingthem；andthethingsthemselvesarenotinsideme，butonlytheirimages。AndyetIknewthroughwhichphysicalsenseeachexperiencehadmadeanimpressiononme。 CHAPTERIX 16。Andyetthisisnotallthattheunlimitedcapacityofmymemorystoresup。Inmemory，therearealsoallthatonehaslearnedoftheliberalsciences，andhasnotforgotten——removedstillfurther，sotosay，intoaninnerplacewhichisnotaplace。Ofthesethingsitisnottheimagesthatareretained，butthethingsthemselves。Forwhatliteratureandlogicare，andwhatIknowabouthowmanydifferentkindsofquestionsthereare——allthesearestoredinmymemoryastheyare，sothatIhavenottakenintheimageandleftthethingoutside。Itisnotasthoughasoundhadsoundedandpassedawaylikeavoiceheardbytheearwhichleavesatracebywhichitcanbecalledintomemoryagain，asifitwerestillsoundinginmindwhileitdidsonolongeroutside。Norisitthesameasanodorwhich，evenafterithaspassedandvanishedintothewind，affectsthesenseofsmell——whichthenconveysintothememorythe_image_ofthesmellwhichiswhatwerecallandre-create；orlikefoodwhich，onceinthebelly，surelynowhasnotasteandyetdoeshaveakindoftasteinthememory；orlikeanythingthatisfeltbythebodythroughthesenseoftouch，whichstillremainsasanimageinthememoryaftertheexternalobjectisremoved。Forthesethingsthemselvesarenotputintothememory。Onlytheimagesofthemaregatheredwithamarvelousquicknessandstored，asitwere，inthemostwonderfulfilingsystem，andarethenceproducedinamarvelouswaybytheactofremembering。 CHAPTERX 17。ButnowwhenIhearthattherearethreekindsofquestions——”Whetherathingis？Whatitis？Ofwhatkinditis？”——IdoindeedretaintheimagesofthesoundsofwhichthesewordsarecomposedandIknowthatthosesoundspassthroughtheairwithanoiseandnownolongerexist。ButthethingsthemselveswhichweresignifiedbythosesoundsInevercouldreachbyanysenseofthebodynorseethematallexceptbymymind。AndwhatIhavestoredinmymemorywasnottheirsigns，butthethingssignified。 Howtheygotintome，letthemtellwhocan。ForIexamineallthegatesofmyflesh，butIcannotfindthedoorbywhichanyofthementered。Fortheeyessay，”Iftheywerecolored，wereportedthat。”Theearssay，”Iftheygaveanysound，wegavenoticeofthat。”Thenostrilssay，”Iftheysmell，theypassedinbyus。”Thesenseoftastesays，”Iftheyhavenoflavor，don’taskmeaboutthem。”Thesenseoftouchsays，”Ifithadnobodilymass，Ididnottouchit，andifInevertouchedit，Igavenoreportaboutit。” Whenceandhowdidthesethingsenterintomymemory？Idonotknow。ForwhenIfirstlearnedthem，itwasnotthatI believedthemonthecreditofanotherman’smind，butI recognizedtheminmyown；andIsawthemastrue，tookthemintomymindandlaidthemup，sotosay，whereIcouldgetatthemagainwheneverIwilled。Theretheywere，then，evenbeforeI learnedthem，buttheywerenotinmymemory。Wherewerethey，then？Howdoesitcomeaboutthatwhentheywerespokenof，I couldacknowledgethemandsay，”Soitis，itistrue，”unlesstheywerealreadyinthememory，thoughfarbackandhidden，asitwere，inthemoresecretcaves，sothatunlesstheyhadbeendrawnoutbytheteachingofanotherperson，Ishouldperhapsneverhavebeenabletothinkofthematall？ CHAPTERXI 18。Thuswefindthatlearningthosethingswhoseimageswedonottakeinbyoursenses，butwhichweintuitwithinourselveswithoutimagesandastheyactuallyare，isnothingelseexceptthegatheringtogetherofthosesamethingswhichthememoryalreadycontains——butinanindiscriminateandconfusedmanner——andputtingthemtogetherbycarefulobservationastheyareathandinthememory；sothatwhereastheyformerlylayhidden，scattered，orneglected，theynowcomeeasilytopresentthemselvestothemindwhichisnowfamiliarwiththem。Andhowmanythingsofthissortmymemoryhasstoredup，whichhavealreadybeendiscoveredand，asIsaid，laidupforreadyreference。Thesearethethingswemaybesaidtohavelearnedandtoknow。Yet，ifIceasetorecallthemevenforshortintervalsoftime，theyareagainsosubmerged——andslideback，asitwere，intothefurtherreachesofthememory——thattheymustbedrawnoutagainasifnewfromthesameplace(forthereisnowhereelseforthemtohavegone)andmustbecollected[cogenda]sothattheycanbecomeknown。Inotherwords，theymustbegatheredup[colligenda]fromtheirdispersion。Thisiswherewegetthewordcogitate[cogitare]。Forcogo[collect]andcogito[togooncollecting]havethesamerelationtoeachotherasago[do]andagito[dofrequently]，andfacio[make]andfactito[makefrequently]。Butthemindhasproperlylaidclaimtothisword[cogitate]sothatnoteverythingthatisgatheredtogetheranywhere，butonlywhatiscollectedandgatheredtogetherinthemind，isproperlysaidtobe”cogitated。” CHAPTERXII 19。Thememoryalsocontainstheprinciplesandtheunnumberedlawsofnumbersanddimensions。Noneofthesehasbeenimpressedonthememorybyaphysicalsense，becausetheyhaveneithercolornorsound，nortaste，norsenseoftouch。Ihaveheardthesoundofthewordsbywhichthesethingsaresignifiedwhentheyarediscussed:butthesoundsareonething，thethingsanother。ForthesoundsareonethinginGreek，anotherinLatin； butthethingsthemselvesareneitherGreeknorLatinnoranyotherlanguage。Ihaveseenthelinesofthecraftsmen，thefinestofwhicharelikeaspider’sweb，butmathematicallinesaredifferent。Theyarenottheimagesofsuchthingsastheeyeofmybodyhasshowedme。Themanwhoknowsthemdoessowithoutanycogitationofphysicalobjectswhatever，butintuitsthemwithinhimself。Ihaveperceivedwithallthesensesofmybodythenumbersweuseincounting；butthenumbersbywhichwecountarefardifferentfromthese。Theyarenottheimagesofthese； theysimplyare。Letthemanwhodoesnotseethesethingsmockmeforsayingthem；andIwillpityhimwhilehelaughsatme。 CHAPTERXIII 20。AllthesethingsIholdinmymemory，andIrememberhowIlearnedthem。IalsoremembermanythingsthatIhaveheardquitefalselyurgedagainstthem，which，eveniftheyarefalse，yetitisnotfalsethatIhaverememberedthem。AndIalsorememberthatIhavedistinguishedbetweenthetruthsandthefalseobjections，andnowIseethatitisonethingtodistinguishthesethingsandanothertorememberthatIdiddistinguishthemwhenIhavecogitatedonthem。Iremember，then，boththatIhaveoftenunderstoodthesethingsandalsothatIamnowstoringawayinmymemorywhatIdistinguishandcomprehendofthemsothatlateronImayrememberjustasIunderstandthemnow。Therefore，IrememberthatIremembered，sothatifafterwardIcalltomindthatIoncewasabletorememberthesethingsitwillbethroughthepowerofmemorythatIrecallit。 CHAPTERXIV 21。Thissamememoryalsocontainsthefeelingsofmymind； notinthemannerinwhichtheminditselfexperiencedthem，butverydifferentlyaccordingtoapowerpeculiartomemory。Forwithoutbeingjoyousnow，IcanrememberthatIoncewasjoyous，andwithoutbeingsad，Icanrecallmypastsadness。Icanrememberpastfearswithoutfear，andformerdesireswithoutdesire。Again，thecontraryhappens。SometimeswhenIamjoyousIremembermypastsadness，andwhensad，rememberpastjoy。 Thisisnottobemarveledatasfarasthebodyisconcerned；forthemindisonethingandthebodyanother。[338] If，therefore，whenIamhappy，Irecallsomepastbodilypain，itisnotsostrange。Butevenasthismemoryisexperienced，itisidenticalwiththemind——aswhenwetellsomeonetoremembersomethingwesay，”Seethatyoubearthisinmind”；andwhenweforgetathing，wesay，”Itdidnotentermymind”or”Itslippedmymind。”Thuswecallmemoryitselfmind。 Sincethisisso，howdoesithappenthatwhenIamjoyfulI canstillrememberpastsorrow？Thusthemindhasjoy，andthememoryhassorrow；andthemindisjoyfulfromthejoythatisinit，yetthememoryisnotsadfromthesadnessthatisinit。Isitpossiblethatthememorydoesnotbelongtothemind？Whowillsayso？Thememorydoubtlessis，sotosay，thebellyofthemind:andjoyandsadnessarelikesweetandbitterfood，whichwhentheyarecommittedtothememoryare，sotosay，passedintothebellywheretheycanbestoredbutnolongertasted。Itisridiculoustoconsiderthisananalogy；yettheyarenotutterlyunlike。 22。Butlook，itisfrommymemorythatIproduceitwhenI saythattherearefourbasicemotionsofthemind:desire，joy，fear，sadness。WhateverkindofanalysisImaybeabletomakeofthese，bydividingeachintoitsparticularspecies，andbydefiningit，IstillfindwhattosayinmymemoryanditisfrommymemorythatIdrawitout。YetIamnotmovedbyanyoftheseemotionswhenIcallthemtomindbyrememberingthem。Moreover，beforeIrecalledthemandthoughtaboutthem，theywerethereinthememory；andthisishowtheycouldbebroughtforthinremembrance。Perhaps，therefore，justasfoodisbroughtupoutofthebellybyrumination，soalsothesethingsaredrawnupoutofthememorybyrecall。Butwhy，then，doesnotthemanwhoisthinkingabouttheemotions，andisthusrecallingthem，feelinthemouthofhisreflectionthesweetnessofjoyorthebitternessofsadness？Isthecomparisonunlikeinthisbecauseitisnotcompleteateverypoint？Forwhowouldwillinglyspeakonthesesubjects，ifasoftenasweusedthetermsadnessorfear，weshouldtherebybecompelledtobesadorfearful？Andyetwecouldneverspeakofthemifwedidnotfindtheminourmemories，notmerelyasthesoundsofthenames，astheirimagesareimpressedonitbythephysicalsenses，butalsothenotionsofthethingsthemselves——whichwedidnotreceivebyanygateoftheflesh，butwhichtheminditselfrecognizesbytheexperienceofitsownpassions，andhasentrustedtothememory；orelsewhichthememoryitselfhasretainedwithouttheirbeingentrustedtoit。 CHAPTERXV 23。Nowwhetherallthisisbymeansofimagesornot，whocanrightlyaffirm？ForInameastone，Inamethesun，andthosethingsthemselvesarenotpresenttomysenses，buttheirimagesarepresentinmymemory。Inamesomepainofthebody，yetitisnotpresentwhenthereisnopain；yetiftherewerenotsomesuchimageofitinmymemory，Icouldnotevenspeakofit，norshouldIbeabletodistinguishitfrompleasure。InamebodilyhealthwhenIamsoundinbody，andthethingitselfisindeedpresentinme。Atthesametime，unlessthereweresomeimageofitinmymemory，Icouldnotpossiblycalltomindwhatthesoundofthisnamesignified。Norwouldsickpeopleknowwhatwasmeantwhenhealthwasnamed，unlessthesameimagewerepreservedbythepowerofmemory，eventhoughthethingitselfisabsentfromthebody。Icannamethenumbersweuseincounting，anditisnottheirimagesbutthemselvesthatareinmymemory。Inametheimageofthesun，andthistooisinmymemory。ForIdonotrecalltheimageofthatimage，butthatimageitself，fortheimageitselfispresentwhenIrememberit。InamememoryandI knowwhatIname。ButwheredoIknowit，exceptinthememoryitself？Isitalsopresenttoitselfbyitsimage，andnotbyitself？ CHAPTERXVI 24。WhenInameforgetfulness，andunderstandwhatImeanbythename，howcouldIunderstanditifIdidnotrememberit？AndifIrefernottothesoundofthename，buttothethingwhichthetermsignifies，howcouldIknowwhatthatsoundsignifiedifIhadforgottenwhatthenamemeans？When，therefore，Iremembermemory，thenmemoryispresenttoitselfbyitself，butwhenI rememberforgetfulnessthenbothmemoryandforgetfulnessarepresenttogether——thememorybywhichIremembertheforgetfulnesswhichIremember。Butwhatisforgetfulnessexcepttheprivationofmemory？How，then，isthatpresenttomymemorywhich，whenitcontrolsmymind，Icannotremember？Butifwhatwerememberwestoreupinourmemory；andif，unlesswerememberedforgetfulness，wecouldneverknowthethingsignifiedbythetermwhenweheardit——then，forgetfulnessiscontainedinthememory。Itispresentsothatwedonotforgetit，butsinceitispresent，wedoforget。 Fromthisitistobeinferredthatwhenwerememberforgetfulness，itisnotpresenttothememorythroughitself，butthroughitsimage；becauseifforgetfulnesswerepresentthroughitself，itwouldnotleadustoremember，butonlytoforget。Nowwhowillsomedayworkthisout？Whocanunderstandhowitis？ 25。Truly，OLord，Itoilwiththisandlaborinmyself。I havebecomeatroublesomefieldthatrequireshardlaborandheavysweat。Forwearenotnowsearchingoutthetractsofheaven，ormeasuringthedistancesofthestarsorinquiringabouttheweightoftheearth。ItisImyself——I，themind——whoremember。 Thisisnotmuchtomarvelat，ifwhatImyselfamisnotfarfromme。Andwhatisnearertomethanmyself？Forsee，Iamnotabletocomprehendtheforceofmyownmemory，thoughIcouldnotevencallmyownnamewithoutit。ButwhatshallIsay，whenitiscleartomethatIrememberforgetfulness？ShouldIaffirmthatwhatIrememberisnotinmymemory？OrshouldIsaythatforgetfulnessisinmymemorytotheendthatIshouldnotforget？ Bothoftheseviewsaremostabsurd。Butwhatthirdviewisthere？HowcanIsaythattheimageofforgetfulnessisretainedbymymemory，andnotforgetfulnessitself，whenIrememberit？ HowcanIsaythis，sincefortheimageofanythingtobeimprintedonthememorythethingitselfmustnecessarilyhavebeenpresentfirstbywhichtheimagecouldhavebeenimprinted？ ThusIrememberCarthage；thus，also，IrememberalltheotherplaceswhereIhavebeen。AndIrememberthefacesofmenwhomI haveseenandthingsreportedbytheothersenses。Irememberthehealthorsicknessofthebody。Andwhentheseobjectswerepresent，mymemoryreceivedimagesfromthemsothattheyremainpresentinorderformetoseethemandreflectupontheminmymind，ifIchoosetorememberthemintheirabsence。If，therefore，forgetfulnessisretainedinthememorythroughitsimageandnotthroughitself，thenthismeansthatititselfwasoncepresent，sothatitsimagemighthavebeenimprinted。Butwhenitwaspresent，howdiditwriteitsimageonthememory，sinceforgetfulness，byitspresence，blotsoutevenwhatitfindsalreadywrittenthere？Andyetinsomewayorother，eventhoughitisincomprehensibleandinexplicable，IamstillquitecertainthatIalsorememberforgetfulness，bywhichwerememberthatsomethingisblottedout。 CHAPTERXVII 26。Greatisthepowerofmemory。Itisatruemarvel，OmyGod，aprofoundandinfinitemultiplicity！Andthisisthemind，andthisImyselfam。What，then，amI，OmyGod？OfwhatnatureamI？Alifevarious，andmanifold，andexceedinglyvast。Beholdinthenumberlesshallsandcaves，intheinnumerablefieldsanddensandcavernsofmymemory，fullwithoutmeasureofnumberlesskindsofthings——presentthereeitherthroughimagesasallbodiesare；orpresentinthethingsthemselvesasareourthoughts；orbysomenotionorobservationasouremotionsare，whichthememoryretainseventhoughthemindfeelsthemnolonger，aslongaswhateverisinthememoryisalsointhemind——throughalltheseIrunandflytoandfro。IpenetrateintothemonthissideandthatasfarasIcanandyetthereisnowhereanyend。 Sogreatisthepowerofmemory，sogreatthepoweroflifeinmanwhoselifeismortal！What，then，shallIdo，Othoumytruelife，myGod？Iwillpassevenbeyondthispowerofminethatiscalledmemory——Iwillpassbeyondit，thatImaycometothee，OlovelyLight。Andwhatartthousayingtome？See，I soarbymymindtowardthee，whoremainestaboveme。Iwillalsopassbeyondthispowerofminethatiscalledmemory，desiringtoreachtheewherethoucanstbereached，andwishingtocleavetotheewhereitispossibletocleavetothee。Forevenbeastsandbirdspossessmemory，orelsetheycouldneverfindtheirlairsandnestsagain，nordisplaymanyotherthingstheyknowanddobyhabit。Indeed，theycouldnotevenformtheirhabitsexceptbytheirmemories。IwillthereforepassevenbeyondmemorythatI mayreachHimwhohasdifferentiatedmefromthefour-footedbeastsandthefowlsoftheairbymakingmeawisercreature。 ThusIwillpassbeyondmemory；butwhereshallIfindthee，whoartthetrueGoodandthesteadfastSweetness？ButwhereshallI findthee？IfIfindtheewithoutmemory，thenIshallhavenomemoryofthee；andhowcouldIfindtheeatall，ifIdonotrememberthee？ CHAPTERXVIII 27。Forthewomanwholosthersmallcoin[339]andsearchedforitwithalightwouldneverhavefounditunlessshehadrememberedit。Forwhenitwasfound，howcouldshehaveknownwhetheritwasthesamecoin，ifshehadnotrememberedit？I rememberhavinglostandfoundmanythings，andIhavelearnedthisfromthatexperience:thatwhenIwassearchingforanyofthemandwasasked:”Isthisit？Isthatit？”Ianswered，”No，” untilfinallywhatIwasseekingwasshowntome。ButifIhadnotrememberedit——whateveritwas——eventhoughitwasshowntome，IstillwouldnothavefounditbecauseIcouldnothaverecognizedit。Andthisisthewayitalwaysiswhenwesearchforandfindanythingthatislost。Still，ifanythingisaccidentallylostfromsight——notfrommemory，asavisiblebodymightbe——itsimageisretainedwithin，andthethingissearchedforuntilitisrestoredtosight。Andwhenthethingisfound，itisrecognizedbytheimageofitwhichiswithin。Andwedonotsaythatwehavefoundwhatwehavelostunlesswecanrecognizeit，andwecannotrecognizeitunlesswerememberit。 Butallthewhilethethinglosttothesightwasretainedinthememory。