第7章

CHAPTERXIX 28。Butwhathappenswhenthememoryitselflosessomething，aswhenweforgetanythingandtrytorecallit？Where，finally，dowesearch，butinthememoryitself？Andthere，ifbychanceonethingisofferedforanother，werefuseituntilwemeetwithwhatwearelookingfor；andwhenwedo，werecognizethatthisisit。Butwecouldnotdothisunlesswerecognizedit，norcouldwehaverecognizeditunlesswerememberedit。Yetwehadindeedforgottenit。 Perhapsthewholeofithadnotslippedoutofourmemory； butapartwasretainedbywhichtheotherlostpartwassoughtfor，becausethememoryrealizedthatitwasnotoperatingassmoothlyasusualandwasbeingheldupbythecripplingofitshabitualworking；hence，itdemandedtherestorationofwhatwaslacking。 Forexample，ifweseeorthinkofsomemanweknow，and，havingforgottenhisname，trytorecallit——ifsomeotherthingpresentsitself，wecannottieitintotheefforttoremember，becauseitwasnothabituallythoughtofinassociationwithhim。 Itisconsequentlyrejected，untilsomethingcomesintothemindonwhichourknowledgecanrightlyrestasthefamiliarandsought-forobject。Andwheredoesthisnamecomebackfrom，savefromthememoryitself？Forevenwhenwerecognizeitbyanother’sremindingusofit，stillitisfromthememorythatthiscomes，forwedonotbelieveitassomethingnew；butwhenwerecallit，weadmitthatwhatwassaidwascorrect。Butifthenamehadbeenentirelyblottedoutofthemind，weshouldnotbeabletorecollectitevenwhenremindedofit。Forwehavenotentirelyforgottenanythingifwecanrememberthatwehaveforgottenit。Foralostnotion，onethatwehaveentirelyforgotten，wecannotevensearchfor。 CHAPTERXX 29。How，then，doIseekthee，OLord？ForwhenIseekthee，myGod，Iseekahappylife。Iwillseektheethatmysoulmaylive。[340]Formybodylivesbymysoul，andmysoullivesbythee。How，then，doIseekahappylife，sincehappinessisnotminetillIcanrightlysay:”Itisenough。Thisisit。”HowdoI seekit？Isitbyremembering，asthoughIhadforgottenitandstillknewthatIhadforgottenit？DoIseekitinlongingtolearnofitasthoughitweresomethingunknown，whicheitherI hadneverknownorhadsocompletelyforgottenasnoteventorememberthatIhadforgottenit？Isnotthehappylifethethingthatalldesire，andisthereanyonewhodoesnotdesireitatall？[341]Butwherewouldtheyhavegottentheknowledgeofit，thattheyshouldsodesireit？Wherehavetheyseenitthattheyshouldsoloveit？Itissomehowtruethatwehaveit，buthowI donotknow。 Thereis，indeed，asenseinwhichwhenanyonehashisdesireheishappy。Andthentherearesomewhoarehappyinhope。 Thesearehappyinaninferiordegreetothosethatareactuallyhappy；yettheyarebetteroffthanthosewhoarehappyneitherinactualitynorinhope。Buteventhese，iftheyhadnotknownhappinessinsomedegree，wouldnotthendesiretobehappy。Andyetitismostcertainthattheydosodesire。Howtheycometoknowhappiness，Icannottell，buttheyhaveitbysomekindofknowledgeunknowntome，forIamverymuchindoubtastowhetheritisinthememory。Forifitisinthere，thenwehavebeenhappyonceonatime——eithereachofusindividuallyorallofusinthatmanwhofirstsinnedandinwhomalsowealldiedandfromwhomweareallborninmisery。Howthisis，Idonotnowask；butIdoaskwhetherthehappylifeisinthememory。Forifwedidnotknowit，weshouldnotloveit。Wehearthenameofit，andweallacknowledgethatwedesirethething，forwearenotdelightedwiththenameonly。ForwhenaGreekhearsitspokeninLatin，hedoesnotfeeldelighted，forhedoesnotknowwhathasbeenspoken。ButweareasdelightedashewouldbeinturnifhehearditinGreek，becausethethingitselfisneitherGreeknorLatin，thishappinesswhichGreeksandLatinsandmenofalltheothertongueslongsoearnestlytoobtain。Itis，then，knowntoall；andifallcouldwithonevoicebeaskedwhethertheywishedtobehappy，thereisnodoubttheywouldallanswerthattheywould。Andthiswouldnotbepossibleunlessthethingitself，whichwename”happiness，”wereheldinthememory。 CHAPTERXXI 30。ButisitthesamekindofmemoryasonewhohavingseenCarthageremembersit？No，forthehappylifeisnotvisibletotheeye，sinceitisnotaphysicalobject。Isitthesortofmemorywehavefornumbers？No，forthemanwhohastheseinhisunderstandingdoesnotkeepstrivingtoattainmore。Nowweknowsomethingaboutthehappylifeandthereforeweloveit，butstillwewishtogoonstrivingforitthatwemaybehappy。Isthememoryofhappiness，then，somethinglikethememoryofeloquence？ No，foralthoughsome，whentheyhearthetermeloquence，callthethingtomind，eveniftheyarenotthemselveseloquent——andfurther，therearemanypeoplewhowouldliketobeeloquent，fromwhichitfollowsthattheymustknowsomethingaboutit—— nevertheless，thesepeoplehavenoticedthroughtheirsensesthatothersareeloquentandhavebeendelightedtoobservethisandlongtobethiswaythemselves。Buttheywouldnotbedelightedifitwerenotsomeinteriorknowledge；andtheywouldnotdesiretobedelightedunlesstheyhadbeendelighted。Butasforahappylife，thereisnophysicalperceptionbywhichweexperienceitinothers。 Dowerememberhappiness，then，aswerememberjoy？Itmaybeso，forIremembermyjoyevenwhenIamsad，justasI rememberahappylifewhenIammiserable。AndIhavenever，throughphysicalperception，eitherseen，heard，smelled，tasted，ortouchedmyjoy。ButIhaveexperienceditinmymindwhenI rejoiced；andtheknowledgeofitclungtomymemorysothatIcancallittomind，sometimeswithdisdainandatothertimeswithlonging，dependingonthedifferentkindsofthingsInowrememberthatIrejoicedin。ForIhavebeenbathedwithacertainjoyevenbyuncleanthings，whichInowdetestandexecrateasIcallthemtomind。Atothertimes，Icalltomindwithlonginggoodandhonestthings，whicharenotanylongernearathand，andIamthereforesaddenedwhenIrecallmyformerjoy。 31。WhereandwhendidIeverexperiencemyhappylifethatIcancallittomindandloveitandlongforit？ItisnotI aloneorevenafewotherswhowishtobehappy，butabsolutelyeverybody。Unlessweknewhappinessbyaknowledgethatiscertain，weshouldnotwishforitwithawillwhichissocertain。Takethisexample:Iftwomenwereaskedwhethertheywishedtoserveassoldiers，oneofthemmightreplythathewould，andtheotherthathewouldnot；butiftheywereaskedwhethertheywishedtobehappy，bothofthemwouldunhesitatinglysaythattheywould。Butthefirstonewouldwishtoserveasasoldierandtheotherwouldnotwishtoserve，bothfromnoothermotivethantobehappy。Isit，perhaps，thatonefindshisjoyinthisandanotherinthat？Thustheyagreeintheirwishforhappinessjustastheywouldalsoagree，ifasked，inwishingforjoy。Isthisjoywhattheycallahappylife？Althoughonecouldchoosehisjoyinthiswayandanotherinthat，allhaveonegoalwhichtheystrivetoattain，namely，tohavejoy。Thisjoy，then，beingsomethingthatnoonecansayhehasnotexperienced，isthereforefoundinthememoryanditisrecognizedwheneverthephrase”ahappylife”isheard。 CHAPTERXXII 32。Forbidit，OLord，putitfarfromtheheartofthyservant，whoconfessestothee——farbeitfrommetothinkIamhappybecauseofanyandallthejoyIhave。Forthereisajoynotgrantedtothewickedbutonlytothosewhoworshiptheethankfully——andthisjoythouthyselfart。Thehappylifeisthis——torejoicetothee，inthee，andforthee。Thisitisandthereisnoother。Butthosewhothinkthereisanotherfollowafterotherjoys，andnotthetrueone。Buttheirwillisstillnotmovedexceptbysomeimageorshadowofjoy。 CHAPTERXXIII 33。Isit，then，uncertainthatallmenwishtobehappy，sincethosewhodonotwishtofindtheirjoyinthee——whichisalonethehappylife——donotactuallydesirethehappylife？ Or，isitratherthatalldesirethis，butbecause”thefleshlustsagainstthespiritandthespiritagainsttheflesh，”sothatthey”preventyoufromdoingwhatyouwould，”[342]youfalltodoingwhatyouareabletodoandarecontentwiththat。Foryoudonotwanttodowhatyoucannotdourgentlyenoughtomakeyouabletodoit。 NowIaskallmenwhethertheywouldratherrejoiceintruthorinfalsehood。Theywillnomorehesitatetoanswer，”Intruth，”thantosaythattheywishtobehappy。Forahappylifeisjoyinthetruth。Yetthisisjoyinthee，whoarttheTruth，OGodmyLight，”thehealthofmycountenanceandmyGod。”[343] Allwishforthishappylife；allwishforthislifewhichistheonlyhappyone:joyinthetruthiswhatallmenwish。 Ihavehadexperiencewithmanywhowishedtodeceive，butnotonewhowishedtobedeceived。[344]Where，then，didtheyeverknowaboutthishappylife，exceptwheretheyknewalsowhatthetruthis？Fortheyloveit，too，sincetheyarenotwillingtobedeceived。Andwhentheylovethehappylife，whichisnothingelsebutjoyinthetruth，thencertainlytheyalsolovethetruth。Andyettheywouldnotloveitiftherewerenotsomeknowledgeofitinthememory。 Why，then，dotheynotrejoiceinit？Whyaretheynothappy？Becausetheyaresofullypreoccupiedwithotherthingswhichdomoretomakethemmiserablethanthosewhichwouldmakethemhappy，whichtheyremembersolittleabout。Yetthereisalittlelightinmen。Letthemwalk——letthemwalkinit，lestthedarknessovertakethem。 34。Why，then，doestruthgeneratehatred，andwhydoesthyservantwhopreachesthetruthcometobeanenemytothemwhoalsolovethehappylife，whichisnothingelsethanjoyinthetruth——unlessitbethattruthislovedinsuchawaythatthosewholovesomethingelsebesidesherwishthattobethetruthwhichtheydolove。Sincetheyareunwillingtobedeceived，theyareunwillingtobeconvincedthattheyhavebeendeceived。 Therefore，theyhatethetruthforthesakeofwhateveritisthattheyloveinplaceofthetruth。Theylovetruthwhensheshinesonthem；andhateherwhensherebukesthem。Andsincetheyarenotwillingtobedeceived，butdowishtodeceive，theylovetruthwhensherevealsherselfandhateherwhensherevealsthem。 Onthisaccount，shewillsorepaythemthatthosewhoareunwillingtobeexposedbyhershewillindeedexposeagainsttheirwill，andyetwillnotdiscloseherselftothem。 Thus，thus，trulythus:thehumanmindsoblindandsick，sobaseandill-mannered，desirestoliehidden，butdoesnotwishthatanythingshouldbehiddenfromit。Andyettheoppositeiswhathappens——theminditselfisnothiddenfromthetruth，butthetruthishiddenfromit。Yetevenso，forallitswretchedness，itstillpreferstorejoiceintruthratherthaninknownfalsehoods。Itwill，then，behappyonlywhenwithoutotherdistractionsitcomestorejoiceinthatsingleTruththroughwhichallthingselsearetrue。 CHAPTERXXIV 35。BeholdhowgreataterritoryIhaveexploredinmymemoryseekingthee，OLord！AndinitallIhavestillnotfoundthee。NorhaveIfoundanythingaboutthee，exceptwhatIhadalreadyretainedinmymemoryfromthetimeIlearnedofthee。 ForwhereIfoundTruth，therefoundImyGod，whoistheTruth。 FromthetimeIlearnedthisIhavenotforgotten。AndthussincethetimeIlearnedofthee，thouhastdweltinmymemory，anditistherethatIfindtheewheneverIcalltheetoremembrance，anddelightinthee。Thesearemyholydelights，whichthouhastbestowedonmeinthymercy，mindfulofmypoverty。 CHAPTERXXV 36。Butwhereinmymemorydostthouabide，OLord？Wheredostthoudwellthere？Whatsortoflodginghastthoumadeforthyselfthere？Whatkindofsanctuaryhastthoubuiltforthyself？Thouhastdonethishonortomymemorytotakeupthyabodeinit，butImustconsiderfurtherinwhatpartofitthoudostabide。Forincallingtheetomind，Isoaredbeyondthosepartsofmemorywhichthebeastsalsopossess，becauseIdidnotfindtheethereamongtheimagesofcorporealthings。FromthereIwentontothosepartswhereIhadstoredtherememberedaffectionsofmymind，andIdidnotfindtheethere。AndI enteredintotheinmostseatofmymind，whichisinmymemory，sincethemindremembersitselfalso——andthouwastnotthere。 Forjustasthouartnotabodilyimage，northeemotionofalivingcreature(suchaswefeelwhenwerejoiceoraregrief- stricken，whenwedesire，orfear，orremember，orforget，oranythingofthatkind)，soneitherartthoutheminditself。ForthouarttheLordGodofthemindandofallthesethingsthataremutable；butthouabidestimmutableoverall。YetthouhastelectedtodwellinmymemoryfromthetimeIlearnedofthee。 ButwhydoInowinquireaboutthepartofmymemorythoudostdwellin，asifindeedtherewereseparatepartsinit？ Assuredly，thoudwellestinit，sinceIhaverememberedtheefromthetimeIlearnedofthee，andIfindtheeinmymemorywhenI calltheetomind。 CHAPTERXXVI 37。Where，then，didIfindtheesoastobeabletolearnofthee？ForthouwastnotinmymemorybeforeIlearnedofthee。 Where，then，didIfindtheesoastobeabletolearnofthee—— saveinthyselfbeyondme。[345]Placethereisnone。Wego”backward”and”forward”andthereisnoplace。Everywhereandatonce，OTruth，thouguidestallwhoconsultthee，andsimultaneouslyanswerestalleventhoughtheyconsulttheeonquitedifferentthings。Thouanswerestclearly，thoughalldonothearinclarity。Alltakecounseloftheeonwhateverpointtheywish，thoughtheydonotalwayshearwhattheywish。Heisthybestservantwhodoesnotlooktohearfromtheewhathehimselfwills，butwhowillsrathertowillwhathehearsfromthee。 CHAPTERXXVII 38。BelatedlyIlovedthee，OBeautysoancientandsonew，belatedlyIlovedthee。Forsee，thouwastwithinandIwaswithout，andIsoughttheeoutthere。Unlovely，Irushedheedlesslyamongthelovelythingsthouhastmade。Thouwastwithme，butIwasnotwiththee。Thesethingskeptmefarfromthee； eventhoughtheywerenotatallunlesstheywereinthee。Thoudidstcallandcryaloud，anddidstforceopenmydeafness。Thoudidstgleamandshine，anddidstchaseawaymyblindness。ThoudidstbreathefragrantodorsandIdrewinmybreath；andnowI pantforthee。Itasted，andnowIhungerandthirst。Thoudidsttouchme，andIburnedforthypeace。 CHAPTERXXVIII 39。WhenIcometobeunitedtotheewithallmybeing，thentherewillbenomorepainandtoilforme，andmylifeshallbeareallife，beingwhollyfilledbythee。Butsincehewhomthoufillestistheonethouliftestup，IamstillaburdentomyselfbecauseIamnotyetfilledbythee。Joysofsorrowcontendwithsorrowsofjoy，andonwhichsidethevictoryliesIdonotknow。 Woeisme！Lord，havepityonme；myevilsorrowscontendwithmygoodjoys，andonwhichsidethevictoryliesIdonotknow。Woeisme！Lord，havepityonme。Woeisme！Behold，I donothidemywounds。ThouartthePhysician，Iamthesickman； thouartmerciful，Ineedmercy。Isnotthelifeofmanonearthanordeal？Whoishethatwishesforvexationsanddifficulties？ Thoucommandestthemtobeendured，nottobeloved。Fornomanloveswhatheendures，thoughhemaylovetoendure。Yetevenifherejoicestoendure，hewouldpreferthattherewerenothingforhimtoendure。Inadversity，Idesireprosperity；inprosperity，Ifearadversity。Whatmiddleplaceisthere，then，betweenthesetwo，wherehumanlifeisnotanordeal？Thereiswoeintheprosperityofthisworld；thereiswoeinthefearofmisfortune； thereiswoeinthedistortionofjoy。Thereiswoeintheadversitiesofthisworld——asecondwoe，andathird，fromthedesireofprosperity——becauseadversityitselfisahardthingtobearandmakesshipwreckofendurance。Isnotthelifeofmanupontheearthanordeal，andthatwithoutsurcease？ CHAPTERXXIX 40。Mywholehopeisinthyexceedinggreatmercyandthatalone。Givewhatthoucommandestandcommandwhatthouwilt。 Thoucommandestcontinencefromus，andwhenIknew，asitissaid，thatnoonecouldbecontinentunlessGodgaveittohim，eventhiswasapointofwisdomtoknowwhosegiftitwas。[346] ForbycontinenceweareboundupandbroughtbacktogetherintheOne，whereasbeforewewerescatteredabroadamongthemany。[347] Forhelovestheetoolittlewholovesalongwiththeeanythingelsethathedoesnotloveforthysake，OLove，whodostburnforeverandartneverquenched。OLove，OmyGod，enkindleme！ Thoucommandestcontinence；givewhatthoucommandest，andcommandwhatthouwilt。 CHAPTERXXX 41。ObviouslythoucommandestthatIshouldbecontinentfrom”thelustoftheflesh，andthelustoftheeyes，andtheprideoflife。”[348]Thoucommandestmetoabstainfromfornication，andasformarriageitself，thouhastcounseledsomethingbetterthanwhatthoudostallow。Andsincethougavestit，itwasdone——evenbeforeIbecameaministerofthysacrament。Buttherestillexistinmymemory——ofwhichIhavespokensomuch——theimagesofsuchthingsasmyhabitshadfixedthere。ThesethingsrushintomythoughtswithnopowerwhenIamawake；butinsleeptheyrushinnotonlysoastogivepleasure，buteventoobtainconsentandwhatverycloselyresemblesthedeeditself。Indeed，theillusionoftheimageprevailstosuchanextent，inbothmysoulandmyflesh，thattheillusionpersuadesmewhensleepingtowhattherealitycannotdowhenIamawake。AmInotmyselfatsuchatime，OLordmyGod？AndistheresomuchofadifferencebetweenmyselfawakeandmyselfinthemomentwhenIpassfromwakingtosleeping，orreturnfromsleepingtowaking？ Where，then，isthepowerofreasonwhichresistssuchsuggestionswhenIamawake——forevenifthethingsthemselvesbeforceduponitIremainunmoved？Doesreasonceasewhentheeyesclose？Isitputtosleepwiththebodilysenses？Butinthatcasehowdoesitcometopassthateveninslumberweoftenresist，andwithourconsciouspurposesinmind，continuemostchastelyinthem，andyieldnoassenttosuchallurements？Yetthereisatleastthismuchdifference:thatwhenithappensotherwiseindreams，whenwewakeup，wereturntopeaceofconscience。Anditisbythisdifferencebetweensleepingandwakingthatwediscoverthatitwasnotwewhodidit，whilewestillfeelsorrythatinsomewayitwasdoneinus。 42。Isnotthyhand，OAlmightyGod，abletohealallthediseasesofmysouland，bythymoreandmoreabundantgrace，toquencheventhelasciviousmotionsofmysleep？Thouwiltincreasethygiftsinmemoreandmore，OLord，thatmysoulmayfollowmetothee，wrenchedfreefromthestickyglueoflustsothatitisnolongerinrebellionagainstitself，evenindreams； thatitneithercommitsnorconsentstothesedebasingcorruptionswhichcomethroughsensualimagesandwhichresultinthepollutionoftheflesh。ForitisnogreatthingfortheAlmighty，whois”abletodo……morethanwecanaskorthink，”[349]tobringitaboutthatnosuchinfluence——notevenonesoslightthatanodmightrestrainit——shouldaffordgratificationtothefeelingsofachastepersonevenwhensleeping。Thiscouldcometopassnotonlyinthislifebutevenatmypresentage。ButwhatIamstillinthiswayofwickednessIhaveconfesseduntomygoodLord，rejoicingwithtremblinginwhatthouhastgivenmeandgrievinginmyselfforthatinwhichI amstillimperfect。Iamtrustingthatthouwiltperfectthymerciesinme，tothefullnessofthatpeacewhichbothmyinnerandoutwardbeingshallhavewiththeewhendeathisswallowedupinvictory。[350] CHAPTERXXXI 43。Thereisyetanother”eviloftheday”[351]towhichI wishIweresufficient。Byeatinganddrinkingwerestorethedailylossesofthebodyuntilthatdaywhenthoudestroyestbothfoodandstomach，whenthouwiltdestroythisemptinesswithanamazingfullnessandwiltclothethiscorruptiblewithaneternalincorruption。Butnowthenecessityofhabitissweettome，andagainstthissweetnessmustIfight，lestIbeenthralledbyit。 ThusIcarryonadailywarbyfasting，constantly”bringingmybodyintosubjection，”[352]afterwhichmypainsarebanishedbypleasure。Forhungerandthirstareactualpain。Theyconsumeanddestroylikefeverdoes，unlessthemedicineoffoodisathandtorelieveus。Andsincethismedicineathandcomesfromthecomfortwereceiveinthygifts(bymeansofwhichlandandwaterandairserveourinfirmity)，evenourcalamityiscalledpleasure。 44。Thismuchthouhasttaughtme:thatIshouldlearntotakefoodasmedicine。ButduringthattimewhenIpassfromthepinchofemptinesstothecontentmentoffullness，itisinthatverymomentthatthesnareofappetiteliesbaitedforme。Forthepassageitselfispleasant；thereisnootherwayofpassingthither，andnecessitycompelsustopass。Andwhilehealthisthereasonforoureatinganddrinking，yetaperilousdelightjoinsitselftothemasahandmaid；andindeed，shetriestotakeprecedenceinorderthatImaywanttodoforhersakewhatIsayIwanttodoforhealth’ssake。Theydonotbothhavethesamelimiteither。Whatissufficientforhealthisnotenoughforpleasure。Anditisoftenamatterofdoubtwhetheritistheneedfulcareofthebodythatstillcallsforfoodorwhetheritisthesensualsnareofdesirestillwantingtobeserved。Inthisuncertaintymyunhappysoulrejoices，andusesittoprepareanexcuseasadefense。Itisgladthatitisnotclearastowhatissufficientforthemoderationofhealth，sothatunderthepretenseofhealthitmayconcealitsprojectsforpleasure。 ThesetemptationsIdailyendeavortoresistandIsummonthyrighthandtomyhelpandcastmyperplexitiesontothee，forI havenotyetreachedafirmconclusioninthismatter。 45。IhearthevoiceofmyGodcommanding:”Letnotyourheartbeoverchargedwithsurfeitinganddrunkenness。”[353] Drunkennessisfarfromme。Thouwilthavemercythatitdoesnotcomenearme。But”surfeiting”sometimescreepsuponthyservant。 Thouwilthavemercythatitmaybeputfarfromme。Fornomancanbecontinentunlessthougiveit。[354]Manythingsthatweprayforthougivestus，andwhatevergoodwereceivebeforeweprayedforit，wereceiveitfromthee，sothatwemightafterwardknowthatwedidreceiveitfromthee。Ineverwasadrunkard，butIhaveknowndrunkardsmadeintosobermenbythee。Itwasalsothydoingthatthosewhoneverweredrunkardshavenotbeen——andlikewise，itwasfromtheethatthosewhohavebeenmightnotremainsoalways。Anditwaslikewisefromtheethatbothmightknowfromwhomallthiscame。 Iheardanothervoiceofthine:”Donotfollowyourlustsandrefrainyourselffromyourpleasures。”[355]AndbythyfavorI havealsoheardthissayinginwhichIhavetakenmuchdelight:”Neitherifweeatarewethebetter；norifweeatnotarewetheworse。”[356]Thisistosaythatneithershalltheonemakemetoabound，northeothertobewretched。Iheardstillanothervoice:”ForIhavelearned，inwhatsoeverstateIam，therewithtobecontent。IknowhowtobeabasedandIknowhowtoabound……IcandoallthingsthroughChristwhostrengthenethme。”[357] Seehereasoldieroftheheavenlyarmy；notthesortofdustweare。Butremember，OLord，”thatwearedust”[358]andthatthoudidstcreatemanoutofthedust，[359]andthathe”waslost，andisfound。”[360]Ofcourse，he[theapostlePaul]couldnotdoallthisbyhisownpower。Hewasofthesamedust——hewhomIlovedsomuchandwhospokeofthesethingsthroughtheafflatusofthyinspiration:”Ican，”hesaid，”doallthingsthroughhimwhostrengthenethme。”Strengthenme，thatItoomaybeable。Givewhatthoucommandest，andcommandwhatthouwilt。Thisman[Paul] confessesthathereceivedthegiftofgraceandthat，whenheglories，hegloriesintheLord。Ihaveheardyetanothervoiceprayingthathemightreceive。”Takefromme，”hesaid，”thegreedinessofthebelly。”[361]Andfromthisitappears，OmyholyGod，thatthoudostgiveit，whenwhatthoucommandesttobedoneisdone。 46。Thouhasttaughtme，goodFather，that”tothepureallthingsarepure”[362]；but”itisevilforthatmanwhogivesoffenseineating”[363]；andthat”everycreatureofthineisgood，andnothingistoberefusedifitisreceivedwiththanksgiving”[364]；andthat”meatdoesnotcommendustoGod”[365]；andthat”nomanshouldjudgeusinmeatorindrink。”[366]”Letnothimwhoeatsdespisehimwhoeatsnot，andlethimthatdoesnoteatjudgenothimwhodoeseat。”[367]ThesethingsIhavelearned，thanksandpraisebetothee，OmyGodandMaster，whoknockestatmyearsandenlightenestmyheart。 Delivermefromalltemptation！ ItisnottheuncleannessofmeatthatIfear，buttheuncleannessofanincontinentappetite。IknowthatpermissionwasgrantedNoahtoeateverykindoffleshthatwasgoodforfood；thatElijahwasfedwithflesh；thatJohn，blessedwithawonderfulabstinence，wasnotpollutedbythelivingcreatures(thatis，thelocusts)onwhichhefed。AndIalsoknowthatEsauwasdeceivedbyhishungeringafterlentilsandthatDavidblamedhimselffordesiringwater，andthatourKingwastemptednotbyfleshbutbybread。And，thus，thepeopleinthewildernesstrulydeservedtheirreproof，notbecausetheydesiredmeat，butbecauseintheirdesireforfoodtheymurmuredagainsttheLord。 47。Setdown，then，inthemidstofthesetemptations，I strivedailyagainstmyappetiteforfoodanddrink。ForitisnotthekindofappetiteIamabletodealwithbycuttingitoffonceforall，andthereafternottouchingit，asIwasabletodowithfornication。Thebridleofthethroat，therefore，mustbeheldinthemeanbetweenslacknessandtightness。Andwho，O Lord，ishewhoisnotinsomedegreecarriedawaybeyondtheboundsofnecessity？Whoeverheis，heisgreat；lethimmagnifythyname。ButIamnotsuchaone，”forIamasinfulman。”[368] YetItoomagnifythyname，forhewhohath”overcometheworld”[369]intercedethwiththeeformysins，numberingmeamongtheweakmembersofhisbody；forthyeyesdidseewhatwasimperfectinhim，andinthybookallshallbewrittendown。[370] CHAPTERXXXII 48。Iamnotmuchtroubledbytheallurementofodors。Whentheyareabsent，Idonotseekthem；whentheyarepresent，Idonotrefusethem；andIamalwayspreparedtogowithoutthem。Atanyrate，Iappearthustomyself；itisquitepossiblethatIamdeceived。Forthereisalamentabledarknessinwhichmycapabilitiesareconcealed，sothatwhenmymindinquiresintoitselfconcerningitsownpowers，itdoesnotreadilyventuretobelieveitself，becausewhatalreadyisinitislargelyconcealedunlessexperiencebringsittolight。Thusnomanoughttofeelsecureinthislife，thewholeofwhichiscalledanordeal，orderedsothatthemanwhocouldbemadebetterfromhavingbeenworsemaynotalsofromhavingbeenbetterbecomeworse。Oursolehope，oursoleconfidence，ouronlyassuredpromise，isthymercy。 CHAPTERXXXIII 49。Thedelightsoftheeardrewandheldmemuchmorepowerfully，butthoudidstunbindandliberateme。Inthosemelodieswhichthywordsinspirewhensungwithasweetandtrainedvoice，Istillfindrepose；yetnotsoastoclingtothem，butalwayssoastobeabletofreemyselfasIwish。Butitisbecauseofthewordswhicharetheirlifethattheygainentryintomeandstriveforaplaceofproperhonorinmyheart； andIcanhardlyassignthemafittingone。Sometimes，Iseemtomyselftogivethemmorerespectthanisfitting，whenIseethatourmindsaremoredevoutlyandearnestlyinflamedinpietybytheholywordswhentheyaresungthanwhentheyarenot。AndI recognizethatallthediverseaffectionsofourspiritshavetheirappropriatemeasuresinthevoiceandsong，towhichtheyarestimulatedbyIknownotwhatsecretcorrelation。Butthepleasuresofmyflesh——towhichthemindoughtnevertobesurrenderednorbythemenervated——oftenbeguilemewhilephysicalsensedoesnotattendonreason，tofollowherpatiently，buthavingoncegainedentrytohelpthereason，itstrivestorunonbeforeherandbeherleader。ThusinthesethingsIsinunknowingly，butIcometoknowitafterward。 50。Ontheotherhand，whenIavoidveryearnestlythiskindofdeception，Ierroutoftoogreatausterity。SometimesIgotothepointofwishingthatallthemelodiesofthepleasantsongstowhichDavid’sPsalterisadaptedshouldbebanishedbothfrommyearsandfromthoseoftheChurchitself。Inthismood，thesaferwayseemedtometheoneIrememberwasoncerelatedtomeconcerningAthanasius，bishopofAlexandria，whorequiredthereadersofthepsalmtousesoslightaninflectionofthevoicethatitwasmorelikespeakingthansinging。 However，whenIcalltomindthetearsIshedatthesongsofthyChurchattheoutsetofmyrecoveredfaith，andhowevennowI ammoved，notbythesingingbutbywhatissung(whentheyaresungwithaclearandskillfullymodulatedvoice)，Ithencometoacknowledgethegreatutilityofthiscustom。ThusIvacillatebetweendangerouspleasureandhealthfulexercise。Iaminclined——thoughIpronouncenoirrevocableopiniononthesubject——toapproveoftheuseofsinginginthechurch，sothatbythedelightsoftheeartheweakermindsmaybestimulatedtoadevotionalmood。[371]YetwhenithappensthatIammoremovedbythesingingthanbywhatissung，Iconfessmyselftohavesinnedwickedly，andthenIwouldrathernothaveheardthesinging。SeenowwhataconditionIamin！Weepwithme，andweepforme，thoseofyouwhocansocontrolyourinwardfeelingsthatgoodresultsalwayscomeforth。Asforyouwhodonotactthiswayatall，suchthingsdonotconcernyou。Butdothou，OLord，myGod，giveear；lookandsee，andhavemercyuponme；andhealme—— thou，inwhosesightIambecomeanenigmatomyself；thisitselfismyweakness。 CHAPTERXXXIV 51。Thereremainthedelightsoftheseeyesofmyflesh，aboutwhichImustmakemyconfessioninthehearingoftheearsofthytemple，brotherlyandpiousears。ThusIwillfinishthelistofthetemptationsofcarnalappetitewhichstillassailme——groaninganddesiringasIamtobeclotheduponwithmyhousefromheaven。[372] Theeyesdelightinfairandvariedforms，andbrightandpleasingcolors。Letthesenottakepossessionofmysoul！ RatherletGodpossessit，hewhodidstmakeallthesethingsverygoodindeed。Heisstillmygood，andnotthese。ThepleasuresofsightaffectmeallthetimeIamawake。Thereisnorestfromthemgivenme，asthereisfromthevoicesofmelody，whichIcanoccasionallyfindinsilence。Fordaylight，thatqueenofthecolors，floodsallthatwelookuponeverywhereIgoduringtheday。ItflitsaboutmeinmanifoldformsandsoothesmeevenwhenIambusyaboutotherthings，notnoticingit。Anditpresentsitselfsoforciblythatifitissuddenlywithdrawnitislookedforwithlonging，andifitislongabsentthemindissaddened。 52。OLight，whichTobitsawevenwithhiseyesclosedinblindness，whenhetaughthissonthewayoflife——andwentbeforehimhimselfinthestepsofloveandneverwentastray[373]；orthatLightwhichIsaacsawwhenhisfleshly”eyesweredim，sothathecouldnotsee”[374]becauseofoldage，anditwaspermittedhimunknowinglytoblesshissons，butintheblessingofthemtoknowthem；orthatLightwhichJacobsaw，whenhetoo，blindinoldageyetwithanenlightenedheart，threwlightonthenationofmenyettocome——presignifiedinthepersonsofhisownsons——andlaidhishandsmysticallycrosseduponhisgrandchildrenbyJoseph(notastheirfather，whosawthemfromwithout，butasthoughhewerewithinthem)，anddistinguishedthemaright[375]:thisisthetrueLight；itisone，andallareonewhoseeandloveit。 Butthatcorporeallight，ofwhichIwasspeaking，seasonsthelifeoftheworldforherblindloverswithatemptingandfatalsweetness。Thosewhoknowhowtopraisetheeforit，”O God，CreatorofUsAll，”takeitupinthyhymn，[376]andarenottakenoverbyitintheirsleep。SuchamanIdesiretobe。I resisttheseductionsofmyeyes，lestmyfeetbeentangledasI goforwardinthyway；andIraisemyinvisibleeyestothee，thatthouwouldstbepleasedto”pluckmyfeetoutofthenet。”[377] Thoudostcontinuallypluckthemout，fortheyareeasilyensnared。Thouceasestnottopluckthemout，butIconstantlyremainfastinthesnaressetallaroundme。However，thouwho”keepestIsraelshallneitherslumbernorsleep。”[378] 53。Whatnumberlessthingsthereare:productsofthevariousartsandmanufacturesinourclothes，shoes，vessels，andallsuchthings；besidessuchthingsaspicturesandstatuary—— andallthesefarbeyondthenecessaryandmoderateuseofthemortheirsignificanceforthelifeofpiety——whichmenhaveaddedforthedelightoftheeye，copyingtheoutwardformsofthethingstheymake；butinwardlyforsakingHimbywhomtheyweremadeanddestroyingwhattheythemselveshavebeenmadetobe！ AndI，OmyGodandmyJoy，Ialsoraiseahymntotheeforallthesethings，andofferasacrificeofpraisetomySanctifier，becausethosebeautifulformswhichpassthroughthemediumofthehumansoulintotheartist’shandscomefromthatbeautywhichisaboveourminds，whichmysoulsighsfordayandnight。Butthecraftsmenanddevoteesoftheseoutwardbeautiesdiscoverthenormbywhichtheyjudgethemfromthathigherbeauty，butnotthemeasureoftheiruse。Still，eveniftheydonotseeit，itistherenevertheless，toguardthemfromwanderingastray，andtokeeptheirstrengthforthee，andnotdissipateitindelightsthatpassintoboredom。Andformyself，thoughIcanseeandunderstandthis，Iamstillentangledinmyowncoursewithsuchbeauty，butthouwiltrescueme，OLord，thouwiltrescueme，”forthyloving-kindnessisbeforemyeyes。”[379]ForIamcaptivatedinmyweaknessbutthouinthymercydostrescueme:sometimeswithoutmyknowingit，becauseIhadonlylightlyfallen；atothertimes，therescueispainfulbecauseIwasstuckfast。 CHAPTERXXXV 54。Besidesthisthereisyetanotherformoftemptationstillmorecomplexinitsperil。Forinadditiontothefleshlyappetitewhichstrivesforthegratificationofallsensesandpleasures——inwhichitsslavesperishbecausetheyseparatethemselvesfromthee——thereisalsoacertainvainandcuriouslonginginthesoul，rootedinthesamebodilysenses，whichiscloakedunderthenameofknowledgeandlearning；nothavingpleasureintheflesh，butstrivingfornewexperiencesthroughtheflesh。Thislonging——sinceitsoriginisourappetiteforlearning，andsincethesightisthechiefofoursensesintheacquisitionofknowledge——iscalledinthedivinelanguage”thelustoftheeyes。”[380]Forseeingisafunctionoftheeyes；yetwealsousethiswordfortheothersensesaswell，whenweexercisetheminthesearchforknowledge。Wedonotsay，”Listenhowitglows，””Smellhowitglistens，””Tastehowitshines，”or”Feelhowitflashes，”sinceallofthesearesaidtobe_seen_。 Andwedonotsimplysay，”Seehowitshines，”whichonlytheeyescanperceive；butwealsosay，”Seehowitsounds，seehowitsmells，seehowittastes，seehowharditis。”Thus，aswesaidbefore，thewholeroundofsensoryexperienceiscalled”thelustoftheeyes”becausethefunctionofseeing，inwhichtheeyeshavetheprincipalrole，isappliedbyanalogytotheothersenseswhentheyareseekingafteranykindofknowledge。 55。Fromthis，then，onecanthemoreclearlydistinguishwhetheritispleasureorcuriositythatisbeingpursuedbythesenses。Forpleasurepursuesobjectsthatarebeautiful，melodious，fragrant，savory，soft。Butcuriosity，seekingnewexperiences，willevenseekoutthecontraryofthese，notwiththepurposeofexperiencingthediscomfortthatoftenaccompaniesthem，butoutofapassionforexperimentingandknowledge。 Forwhatpleasureisthereinthesightofalaceratedcorpse，whichmakesyoushudder？Andyetifthereisonelyingclosebyweflocktoit，asiftobemadesadandpale。Peoplefearlesttheyshouldseesuchathingeveninsleep，justastheywouldif，whenawake，someonecompelledthemtogoandseeitorifsomerumorofitsbeautyhadattractedthem。 Thisisalsothecasewiththeothersenses；itwouldbetedioustopursueacompleteanalysisofit。Thismaladyofcuriosityisthereasonforallthosestrangesightsexhibitedinthetheater。Itisalsothereasonwhyweproceedtosearchoutthesecretpowersofnature——thosewhichhavenothingtodowithourdestiny——whichdonotprofitustoknowabout，andconcerningwhichmendesiretoknowonlyforthesakeofknowing。 Anditiswiththissamemotiveofpervertedcuriosityforknowledgethatweconsultthemagicalarts。Eveninreligionitself，thispromptingdrivesustomaketrialofGodwhensignsandwondersareeagerlyaskedofhim——notdesiredforanysavingend，butonlytomaketrialofhim。 56。Insuchawildernesssovast，crammedwithsnaresanddangers，beholdhowmanyofthemIhaveloppedoffandcastfrommyheart，asthou，OGodofmysalvation，hastenabledmetodo。 Andyet，whenwouldIdaretosay，sincesomanythingsofthissortstillbuzzaroundourdailylives——whenwouldIdaretosaythatnosuchmotivepromptsmyseeingorcreatesavaincuriosityinme？Itistruethatnowthetheatersneverattractme，nordoInowcaretoinquireaboutthecoursesofthestars，andmysoulhasneversoughtanswersfromthedepartedspirits。AllsacrilegiousoathsIabhor。Andyet，OLordmyGod，towhomIoweallhumbleandsingleheartedservice，withwhatsubtlesuggestiontheenemystillinfluencesmetorequiresomesignfromthee！ButbyourKing，andbyJerusalem，ourpureandchastehomeland，I beseechtheethatwhereanyconsentingtosuchthoughtsisnowfarfromme，somayitalwaysbefartherandfarther。AndwhenI entreattheeforthesalvationofanyman，theendIaimatissomethingmorethantheentreating:letitbethatasthoudostwhatthouwilt，thoudostalsogivemethegracewillinglytofollowthylead。 57。Now，really，inhowmanyofthemostminuteandtrivialthingsmycuriosityisstilldailytempted，andwhocankeepthetallyonhowoftenIsuccumb？Howoften，whenpeoplearetellingidletales，webeginbytoleratingthemlestweshouldgiveoffensetothesensitive；andthengraduallywecometolistenwillingly！Idonotnowadaysgotothecircustoseeadogchasearabbit，butifbychanceIpasssucharaceinthefields，itquiteeasilydistractsmeevenfromsomeseriousthoughtanddrawsmeafterit——notthatIturnasidewithmyhorse，butwiththeinclinationofmymind。Andunless，byshowingmemyweakness，thoudostspeedilywarnmetoriseabovesuchasighttotheebyadeliberateactofthought——orelsetodespisethewholethingandpassitby——thenIbecomeabsorbedinthesight，vaincreaturethatIam。 HowisitthatwhenIamsittingathomealizardcatchingflies，oraspiderentanglingthemastheyflyintoherwebs，oftentimesarrestsme？Isthefeelingofcuriositynotthesamejustbecausethesearesuchtinycreatures？FromthemIproceedtopraisethee，thewonderfulCreatorandDisposerofallthings； butitisnotthisthatfirstattractsmyattention。Itisonethingtogetupquicklyandanotherthingnottofall——andofbothsuchthingsmylifeisfullandmyonlyhopeisinthyexceedinggreatmercy。Forwhenthisheartofoursismadethedepotofsuchthingsandisoverrunbythethrongoftheseaboundingvanities，thenourprayersareofteninterruptedanddisturbedbythem。Evenwhileweareinthypresenceanddirectthevoiceofourheartstothyears，suchagreatbusinessasthisisbrokenoffbytheinroadsofIknownotwhatidlethoughts。 CHAPTERXXXVI 58。Shallwe，then，alsoreckonthisvaincuriosityamongthethingsthataretobebutlightlyesteemed？Shallanythingrestoreustohopeexceptthycompletemercysincethouhastbeguntochangeus？Thouknowesttowhatextentthouhastalreadychangedme，forfirstofallthoudidsthealmeofthelustforvindicatingmyself，sothatthoumightestthenforgiveallmyremaininginiquitiesandhealallmydiseases，and”redeemmylifefromcorruptionandcrownmewithloving-kindnessandtendermercies，andsatisfymydesireswithgoodthings。”[381]Itwasthouwhodidstrestrainmypridewiththyfear，andbowedmynecktothy”yoke。”[382]AndnowIbeartheyokeanditis”light”tome，becausethoudidstpromiseittobeso，andhastmadeittobeso。Andsointruthitwas，thoughIknewitnotwhenIfearedtotakeitup。 59。But，OLord——thouwhoalonereignestwithoutpride，becausethoualoneartthetrueLord，whohastnoLord——hasthisthirdkindoftemptationleftme，orcanitleavemeduringthislife:thedesiretobefearedandlovedofmen，withnootherviewthanthatImayfindinitajoythatisnojoy？Itis，rather，awretchedlifeandanunseemlyostentation。Itisaspecialreasonwhywedonotlovethee，nordevotedlyfearthee。Therefore”thouresistesttheproudbutgivestgracetothehumble。”[383]Thouthunderestdownontheambitiousdesignsoftheworld，and”thefoundationsofthehills”tremble。[384] Andyetcertainofficesinhumansocietyrequiretheofficeholdertobelovedandfearedofmen，andthroughthistheadversaryofourtrueblessednesspressesharduponus，scatteringeverywherehissnaresof”welldone，welldone”；sothatwhileweareeagerlypickingthemup，wemaybecaughtunawaresandsplitoffourjoyfromthytruthandfixitonthedeceitsofmen。Inthiswaywecometotakepleasureinbeinglovedandfeared，notforthysakebutinthystead。Bysuchmeansasthis，theadversarymakesmenlikehimself，thathemayhavethemashisown，notintheharmonyoflove，butinthefellowshipofpunishment——theonewhoaspiredtoexalthisthroneinthenorth，[385]thatinthedarknessandthecoldmenmighthavetoservehim，mimickingtheeinperverseanddistortedways。 Butsee，OLord，wearethylittleflock。Possessus，stretchthywingsaboveus，andletustakerefugeunderthem。Bethouourglory；letusbelovedforthysake，andletthywordbefearedinus。Thosewhodesiretobecommendedbythemenwhomthoucondemnestwillnotbedefendedbymenwhenthoujudgest，norwilltheybedeliveredwhenthoudostcondemnthem。Butwhen—— notasasinnerispraisedinthewickeddesiresofhissoulnorwhentheunrighteousmanisblessedinhisunrighteousness——amanispraisedforsomegiftthatthouhastgivenhim，andheismoregratifiedatthepraiseforhimselfthanbecausehepossessesthegiftforwhichheispraised，suchaoneispraisedwhilethoudostcondemnhim。Insuchacasetheonewhopraisedistrulybetterthantheonewhowaspraised。ForthegiftofGodinmanwaspleasingtotheone，whiletheotherwasbetterpleasedwiththegiftofmanthanwiththegiftofGod。 CHAPTERXXXVII 60。Bythesetemptationswearedailytried，OLord；wearetriedunceasingly。Ourdaily”furnace”isthehumantongue。[386] Andalsointhisrespectthoucommandestustobecontinent。Givewhatthoucommandestandcommandwhatthouwilt。Inthismatter，thouknowestthegroansofmyheartandtheriversofmyeyes，forIamnotabletoknowforcertainhowfarIamcleanofthisplague；andIstandingreatfearofmy”secretfaults，”[387] whichthyeyesperceive，thoughminedonot。Forinrespectofthepleasuresofmyfleshandofidlecuriosity，IseehowfarI havebeenabletoholdmymindincheckwhenIabstainfromthemeitherbyvoluntaryactofthewillorbecausetheysimplyarenotathand；forthenIcaninquireofmyselfhowmuchmoreorlessfrustratingitistomenottohavethem。Thisisalsotrueaboutriches，whicharesoughtforinorderthattheymayministertooneofthesethree”lusts，”ortwo，orthewholecomplexofthem。 Themindisabletoseeclearlyif，whenithasthem，itdespisesthemsothattheymaybecastasideanditmayproveitself。 Butifwedesiretotestourpowerofdoingwithoutpraise，mustwethenlivewickedlyorleadalifesoatrociousandabandonedthateveryonewhoknowsuswilldetestus？Whatgreatermadnessthanthiscanbeeithersaidorconceived？Andyetifpraise，bothbycustomandright，isthecompanionofagoodlifeandofgoodworks，weshouldaslittleforgoitscompanionshipasthegoodlifeitself。ButunlessathingisabsentIdonotknowwhetherIshouldbecontentedortroubledathavingtodowithoutit。 61。Whatisit，then，thatIamconfessingtothee，OLord，concerningthissortoftemptation？Whatelse，thanthatIamdelightedwithpraise，butmorewiththetruthitselfthanwithpraise。ForifIweretohaveanychoicewhether，ifIweremadorutterlyinthewrong，Iwouldprefertobepraisedbyallmenor，ifIweresteadilyandfullyconfidentinthetruth，wouldprefertobeblamedbyall，IseewhichIshouldchoose。YetI wishIwereunwillingthattheapprovalofothersshouldaddanythingtomyjoyforanygoodIhave。YetIadmitthatitdoesincreaseit；and，morethanthat，dispraisediminishesit。Then，whenIamdisturbedoverthiswretchednessofmine，anexcusepresentsitselftome，thevalueofwhichthouknowest，OGod，foritrendersmeuncertain。Forsinceitisnotonlycontinencethatthouhastenjoinedonus——thatis，whatthingstoholdbackourlovefrom——butrighteousnessaswell——thatis，whattobestowourloveupon——andhastwishedustolovenotonlythee，butalsoourneighbor，itoftenturnsoutthatwhenIamgratifiedbyintelligentpraiseIseemtomyselftobegratifiedbythecompetenceorinsightofmyneighbor；or，ontheotherhand，IamsorryforthedefectinhimwhenIhearhimdispraiseeitherwhathedoesnotunderstandorwhatisgood。ForIamsometimesgrievedatthepraiseIget，eitherwhenthosethingsthatdispleasemeinmyselfarepraisedinme，orwhenlesserandtriflinggoodsarevaluedmorehighlythantheyshouldbe。But，again，howdoIknowwhetherIfeelthiswaybecauseIamunwillingthathewhopraisesmeshoulddifferfrommeconcerningmyselfnotbecauseIammovedwithanyconsiderationforhim，butbecausethegoodthingsthatpleasemeinmyselfaremorepleasingtomewhentheyalsopleaseanother？Forinaway，Iamnotpraisedwhenmyjudgmentofmyselfisnotpraised，sinceeitherthosethingswhicharedispleasingtomearepraised，orthosethingswhicharelesspleasingtomearemorepraised。AmInot，then，quiteuncertainofmyselfinthisrespect？ 62。Behold，OTruth，itisintheethatIseethatIoughtnottobemovedatmyownpraisesformyownsake，butforthesakeofmyneighbor’sgood。Andwhetherthisisactuallymyway，Itrulydonotknow。OnthisscoreIknowlessofmyselfthanthoudost。Ibeseechtheenow，OmyGod，torevealmyselftomealso，thatImayconfesstomybrethren，whoaretoprayformeinthosematterswhereIfindmyselfweak。 Letmeonceagainexaminemyselfthemorediligently。If，inmyownpraise，Iammovedwithconcernformyneighbor，whyamI lessmovedifsomeothermanisunjustlydispraisedthanwhenithappenstome？WhyamImoreirritatedatthatreproachwhichiscastonmethanatonewhichis，withequalinjustice，castuponanotherinmypresence？AmIignorantofthisalso？OrisitstilltruethatIamdeceivingmyself，anddonotkeepthetruthbeforetheeinmyheartandtongue？Putsuchmadnessfarfromme，OLord，lestmymouthbetome”theoilofsinners，toanointmyhead。”[388] CHAPTERXXXVIII 63。”Iamneedyandpoor。”[389]Still，IambetterwheninsecretgroaningsIdispleasemyselfandseekthymercyuntilwhatislackinginmeisrenewedandmadecompleteforthatpeacewhichtheeyeoftheprouddoesnotknow。Thereportsthatcomefromthemouthandfromactionsknowntomenhaveinthemamostperiloustemptationtotheloveofpraise。Thislovebuildsupacertaincomplacencyinone’sownexcellency，andthengoesaroundcollectingsolicitedcompliments。Ittemptsme，evenwhenI inwardlyreprovemyselfforit，andthispreciselybecauseitisreproved。Foramanmayoftengloryvainlyintheveryscornofvainglory——andinthiscaseitisnotanylongerthescornofvaingloryinwhichheglories，forhedoesnottrulydespiseitwhenheinwardlygloriesinit。 CHAPTERXXXIX 64。Withinusthereisyetanotherevilarisingfromthesamesortoftemptation。Byittheybecomeemptywhopleasethemselvesinthemselves，althoughtheydonotpleaseordispleaseoraimatpleasingothers。Butinpleasingthemselvestheydispleasetheeverymuch，notmerelytakingpleasureinthingsthatarenotgoodasiftheyweregood，buttakingpleasureinthygoodthingsasiftheyweretheirown；orevenasiftheywerethinebutstillasiftheyhadreceivedthemthroughtheirownmerit；orevenasiftheyhadthemthroughthygrace，stillwithoutthisgracewiththeirfriends，butasiftheyenviedthatgracetoothers。Inalltheseandsimilarperilsandlabors，thouperceivesttheagitationofmyheart，andIwouldratherfeelmywoundsbeingcuredbytheethannotinflictedbymeonmyself。 CHAPTERXL 65。Wherehastthounotaccompaniedme，OTruth，teachingmebothwhattoavoidandwhattodesire，whenIhavesubmittedtotheewhatIcouldunderstandaboutmattersherebelow，andhavesoughtthycounselaboutthem？ WithmyexternalsensesIhaveviewedtheworldasIwasableandhavenoticedthelifewhichmybodyderivesfrommeandfromthesesensesofmine。FromthatstageIadvancedinwardlyintotherecessesofmymemory——themanifoldchambersofmymind，marvelouslyfullofunmeasuredwealth。AndIreflectedonthisandwasafraid，andcouldunderstandnoneofthesethingswithouttheeandfoundtheetobenoneofthem。NordidImyselfdiscoverthesethings——Iwhowentoverthemallandlaboredtodistinguishandtovalueeverythingaccordingtoitsdignity，acceptingsomethingsuponthereportofmysensesandquestioningaboutotherswhichIthoughttoberelatedtomyinnerself，distinguishingandnumberingthereportersthemselves；andinthatvaststorehouseofmymemory，investigatingsomethings，depositingotherthings，takingoutstillothers。NeitherwasI myselfwhenIdidthis——thatis，thatabilityofminebywhichI didit——norwasitthou，forthouartthatnever-failinglightfromwhichItookcounselaboutthemall；whethertheywerewhattheywere，andwhatwastheirrealvalue。InallthisIheardtheeteachingandcommandingme。AndthisIoftendo——andthisisadelighttome——andasfarasIcangetrelieffrommynecessaryduties，Iresorttothiskindofpleasure。ButinallthesethingswhichIreviewwhenIconsultthee，Istilldonotfindasecureplaceformysoulsaveinthee，inwhommyscatteredmembersmaybegatheredtogetherandnothingofmeescapefromthee。Andsometimesthouintroducestmetoamostrareandinwardfeeling，aninexplicablesweetness。IfthisweretocometoperfectioninmeIdonotknowtowhatpointlifemightnotthenarrive。Butstill，bythesewretchedweightsofmine，Irelapseintothesecommonthings，andamsuckedinbymyoldcustomsandamheld。Isorrowmuch，yetIamstillcloselyheld。Tothisextent，then，theburdenofhabitpressesusdown。IcanexistinthisfashionbutIdonotwishtodoso。InthatotherwayIwishIwere，butcannotbe——inbothwaysIamwretched。 CHAPTERXLI 66。AndnowIhavethusconsideredtheinfirmitiesofmysins，undertheheadingsofthethreemajor”lusts，”andIhavecalledthyrighthandtomyaid。ForwithawoundedheartIhaveseenthybrightness，andhavingbeenbeatenbackIcried:”Whocanattaintoit？Iamcutofffrombeforethyeyes。”[390]ThouarttheTruth，whopresidestoverallthings，butI，becauseofmygreed，didnotwishtolosethee。Butstill，alongwiththee，I wishedalsotopossessalie——justasnoonewishestolieinsuchawayastobeignorantofwhatistrue。BythisIlostthee，forthouwiltnotcondescendtobeenjoyedalongwithalie。 CHAPTERXLII 67。WhomcouldIfindtoreconcilemetothee？ShouldI haveapproachedtheangels？Whatkindofprayer？Whatkindofrites？Manywhowerestrivingtoreturntotheeandwerenotableofthemselveshave，Iamtold，triedthisandhavefallenintoalongingforcuriousvisionsanddeservedtobedeceived。Beingexalted，theysoughttheeintheirprideoflearning，andtheythrustthemselvesforwardratherthanbeatingtheirbreasts。[391] Andsobyalikenessofheart，theydrewtothemselvestheprincesoftheair，[392]theirconspiratorsandcompanionsinpride，bywhomtheyweredeceivedbythepowerofmagic。Thustheysoughtamediatorbywhomtheymightbecleansed，buttherewasnone。Forthemediatortheysoughtwasthedevil，disguisinghimselfasanangeloflight。[393]Andhealluredtheirproudfleshthemorebecausehehadnofleshlybody。 Theyweremortalandsinful，butthou，OLord，towhomtheyarrogantlysoughttobereconciled，artimmortalandsinless。ButamediatorbetweenGodandmanoughttohavesomethinginhimlikeGodandsomethinginhimlikeman，lestinbeinglikemanheshouldbefarfromGod，orifonlylikeGodheshouldbefarfromman，andsoshouldnotbeamediator。Thatdeceitfulmediator，then，bywhom，bythysecretjudgment，humanpridedeservestobedeceived，hadonethingincommonwithman，thatis，hissin。Inanotherrespect，hewouldseemtohavesomethingincommonwithGod，fornotbeingclothedwiththemortalityoftheflesh，hecouldboastthathewasimmortal。Butsince”thewagesofsinisdeath，”[394]whathereallyhasincommonwithmenisthat，togetherwiththem，heiscondemnedtodeath。 CHAPTERXLIII 68。ButthetrueMediator，whomthouinthysecretmercyhastrevealedtothehumble，andhastsenttothemsothatthroughhisexampletheyalsomightlearnthesamehumility——that”MediatorbetweenGodandman，themanChristJesus，”[395] appearedbetweenmortalsinnersandtheimmortalJustOne。Hewasmortalasmenaremortal；hewasrighteousasGodisrighteous； andbecausetherewardofrighteousnessislifeandpeace，hecould，throughhisrighteousnessunitedwithGod，cancelthedeathofjustifiedsinners，whichhewaswillingtohaveincommonwiththem。Hencehewasmanifestedtoholymenofold，totheendthattheymightbesavedthroughfaithinhisPassiontocome，evenaswethroughfaithinhisPassionwhichispast。AsmanhewasMediator，butastheWordhewasnotsomethinginbetweenthetwo； becausehewasequaltoGod，andGodwithGod，and，withtheHolySpirit，oneGod。 69。Howhastthoulovedus，OgoodFather，whodidstnotsparethyonlySon，butdidstdeliverhimupforuswickedones！[396]Howhastthoulovedus，forwhomhewhodidnotcountitrobberytobeequalwiththee”becameobedientuntodeath，eventhedeathofthecross”[397]！Healonewas”freeamongthedead。”[398]Healonehadpowertolaydownhislifeandpowertotakeitupagain，andforushebecametotheebothVictorandVictim；andVictorbecausehewastheVictim。Forus，hewastotheebothPriestandSacrifice，andPriestbecausehewastheSacrifice。Outofslaves，hemakethusthysons，becausehewasbornoftheeanddidserveus。Rightly，then，ismyhopefixedstronglyonhim，thatthouwilt”healallmydiseases”[399] throughhim，whosittethatthyrighthandandmakethintercessionforus。[400]OtherwiseIshouldutterlydespair。Formyinfirmitiesaremanyandgreat；indeed，theyareverymanyandverygreat。Butthymedicineisstillgreater。Otherwise，wemightthinkthatthywordwasremovedfromunionwithman，anddespairofourselves，ifithadnotbeenthathewas”madefleshanddweltamongus。”[401] 70。Terrifiedbymysinsandtheloadofmymisery，Ihadresolvedinmyheartandconsideredflightintothewilderness。 Butthoudidstforbidme，andthoudidststrengthenme，sayingthat”sinceChristdiedforall，theywholiveshouldnothenceforthliveuntothemselves，butuntohimwhodiedforthem。”[402]Behold，OLord，Icastallmycareonthee，thatI mayliveand”beholdwondrousthingsoutofthylaw。”[403]Thouknowestmyincompetenceandmyinfirmities；teachmeandhealme。 ThyonlySon——he”inwhomarehidallthetreasuresofwisdomandknowledge”[404]——hathredeemedmewithhisblood。Letnottheproudspeakevilofme，becauseIkeepmyransombeforemymind，andeatanddrinkandsharemyfoodanddrink。For，beingpoor，Idesiretobesatisfiedfromhim，togetherwiththosewhoeatandaresatisfied:”andtheyshallpraisetheLordthatseekHim。”[405] BOOKELEVEN TheeternalCreatorandtheCreationintime。Augustinetiestogetherhismemoryofhispastlife，hispresentexperience，andhisardentdesiretocomprehendthemysteryofcreation。Thisleadshimtothequestionsofthemodeandtimeofcreation。HepondersthemodeofcreationandshowsthatitwasdenihiloandinvolvednoalterationinthebeingofGod。Hethenconsidersthequestionofthebeginningoftheworldandtimeandshowsthattimeandcreationarecotemporal。Butwhatistime？TothisAugustinedevotesabrilliantanalysisofthesubjectivityoftimeandtherelationofalltemporalprocesstotheabidingeternityofGod。Fromthis，hepreparestoturntoadetailedinterpretationofGen。1:1，2。 CHAPTERI 1。Isitpossible，OLord，that，sincethouartineternity，thouartignorantofwhatIamsayingtothee？Or，dostthouseeintimeaneventatthetimeitoccurs？Ifnot，thenwhyamI recountingsuchataleofthingstothee？Certainlynotinordertoacquainttheewiththemthroughme；but，instead，thatthroughthemImaystirupmyownloveandtheloveofmyreaderstowardthee，sothatallmaysay，”GreatistheLordandgreatlytobepraised。”Ihavesaidthisbefore[406]andwillsayitagain:”ForloveofthyloveIdoit。”Soalsowepray——andyetTruthtellsus，”YourFatherknowethwhatthingsyouneedbeforeyouaskhim。”[407]Consequently，welaybareourfeelingsbeforethee，that，throughourconfessingtotheeourplightandthymerciestowardus，thoumayestgoontofreeusaltogether，asthouhastalreadybegun；andthatwemayceasetobewretchedinourselvesandblessedinthee——sincethouhastcalledustobepoorinspirit，meek，mourners，hungeringandathirstforrighteousness，mercifulandpureinheart。[408]ThusIhavetoldtheemanythings，asIcouldfindabilityandwilltodoso，sinceitwasthywillinthefirstplacethatIshouldconfesstothee，OLordmyGod——for”Thouartgoodandthymercyendurethforever。”[409] CHAPTERII 2。ButhowlongwouldittakeforthevoiceofmypentotellenoughofthyexhortationsandofallthyterrorsandcomfortsandleadingsbywhichthoudidstbringmetopreachthyWordandtoadministerthysacramentstothypeople？AndevenifIcoulddothissufficiently，thedropsoftime[410]areveryprecioustomeandIhaveforalongtimebeenburningwiththedesiretomeditateonthylaw，andtoconfessinthypresencemyknowledgeandignoranceofit——fromthefirststreaksofthylightinmymindandtheremainingdarkness，untilmyweaknessshallbeswallowedupinthystrength。AndIdonotwishtoseethosehoursdrainedintoanythingelsewhichIcanfindfreefromthenecessarycareofthebody，theexerciseofthemind，andtheserviceweowetoourfellowmen——andwhatwegiveevenifwedonotoweit。 3。OLordmyGod，hearmyprayerandletthymercyattendmylonging。Itdoesnotburnforitselfalonebutlongsaswelltoservethecauseoffraternallove。Thouseestinmyheartthatthisisso。Letmeoffertheserviceofmymindandmytongue—— andgivemewhatImayinturnofferbacktothee。For”Iamneedyandpoor”；thouartrichtoallwhocalluponthee——thouwho，inthyfreedomfromcare，carestforus。Trimawayfrommylips，inwardlyandoutwardly，allrashnessandlying。LetthyScripturesbemychastedelight。Letmenotbedeceivedinthem，nordeceiveothersfromthem。OLord，hearandpity！OLordmyGod，lightoftheblind，strengthoftheweak——andalsothelightofthosewhoseeandthestrengthofthestrong——hearkentomysoulandhearitcryingfromthedepths。[411]Unlessthyearsattenduseveninthedepths，whereshouldwego？Towhomshouldwecry？”Thineisthedayandthenightisthineaswell。”[412]Atthybiddingthemomentsflyby。Grantmeinthem，then，anintervalformymeditationsonthehiddenthingsofthylaw，norclosethedoorofthylawagainstuswhoknock。Thouhastnotwilledthatthedeepsecretsofallthosepagesshouldhavebeenwritteninvain。Thoseforestsarenotwithouttheirstagswhichkeepretiredwithinthem，rangingandwalkingandfeeding，lyingdownandruminating。[413]Perfectme，OLord，andrevealtheirsecretstome。Behold，thyvoiceismyjoy；thyvoicesurpassesinabundanceofdelights。GivemewhatIlove，forIdoloveit。 Andthistooisthygift。Abandonnotthygiftsanddespisenotthy”grass”whichthirstsforthee。[414]LetmeconfesstotheeeverythingthatIshallhavefoundinthybooksand”letmehearthevoiceofthypraise。”[415]Letmedrinkfromtheeand”considerthewondrousthingsoutofthylaw”[416]——fromtheverybeginning，whenthoumadestheavenandearth，andthenceforwardtotheeverlastingreignofthyHolyCitywiththee。 4。OLord，havemercyonmeandhearmypetition。Formyprayerisnotforearthlythings，neithergoldnorsilverandpreciousstones，norgorgeousapparel，norhonorsandpower，norfleshlypleasures，norofbodilynecessitiesinthislifeofourpilgrimage:allofthesethingsare”added”tothosewhoseekthyKingdomandthyrighteousness。[417] Observe，OGod，fromwhencecomesmydesire。Theunrighteoushavetoldmeofdelightsbutnotsuchasthoseinthylaw，OLord。 Behold，thisisthespringofmydesire。See，OFather，lookandsee——andapprove！Letitbepleasinginthymercy’ssightthatIshouldfindfavorwiththee——thatthesecretthingsofthyWordmaybeopenedtomewhenIknock。IbegthisoftheebyourLordJesusChrist，thySon，theManofthyrighthand，theSonofMan；whomthoumadeststrongforthypurposeasMediatorbetweentheeandus；throughwhomthoudidstseekuswhenwewerenotseekingthee，butdidstseekussothatwemightseekthee；thyWord，throughwhomthoumadestallthings，andmeamongthem；thyonlySon，throughwhomthouhastcalledthyfaithfulpeopletoadoption，andmeamongthem。Ibeseechitoftheethroughhimwhosittethatthyrighthandandmakethintercessionforus，”inwhomarehidalltreasuresofwisdomandknowledge。”[418]ItisheI seekinthybooks。Moseswroteofhim。Hetellsussohimself； theTruthtellsusso。 CHAPTERIII 5。Letmehearandunderstandhowinthebeginningthoumadestheavenandearth。[419]Moseswroteofthis；hewroteandpassedon——movingfromtheetothee——andheisnownolongerbeforeme。Ifhewere，Iwouldlayholdonhimandaskhimandentreathimsolemnlythatinthynamehewouldopenoutthesethingstome，andIwouldlendmybodilyearstothesoundsthatcameforthoutofhismouth。If，however，hespokeintheHebrewlanguage，thesoundswouldbeatonmysensesinvain，andnothingwouldtouchmymind；butifhespokeinLatin，Iwouldunderstandwhathesaid。ButhowshouldIthenknowwhetherwhathesaidwastrue？IfIkneweventhismuch，woulditbethatIknewitfromhim？Indeed，withinme，deepinsidethechambersofmythought，Truthitself——neitherHebrew，norGreek，norLatin，norbarbarian，withoutanyorgansofvoiceandtongue，withoutthesoundofsyllables——wouldsay，”Hespeaksthetruth，”andI shouldbeassuredbythis。ThenIwouldconfidentlysaytothatmanofthine，”Youspeakthetruth。”[420]However，sinceIcannotinquireofMoses，Ibeseechthee，OTruth，fromwhosefullnesshespoketruth；Ibeseechthee，myGod，forgivemysins，andasthougavestthyservantthegifttospeakthesethings，grantmealsothegifttounderstandthem。 CHAPTERIV 6。Lookaround；therearetheheavenandtheearth。Theycryaloudthattheyweremade，fortheychangeandvary。Whateverthereisthathasnotbeenmade，andyethasbeing，hasnothinginitthatwasnottherebefore。Thishavingsomethingnotalreadyexistentiswhatitmeanstobechangedandvaried。Heavenandearththusspeakplainlythattheydidnotmakethemselves:”Weare，becausewehavebeenmade；wedidnotexistbeforewecametobesothatwecouldhavemadeourselves！”Andthevoicewithwhichtheyspeakissimplytheirvisiblepresence。Itwasthou，O Lord，whomadestthesethings。Thouartbeautiful；thustheyarebeautiful。Thouartgood，thustheyaregood。Thouart；thustheyare。Buttheyarenotasbeautiful，norasgood，norastrulyrealasthoutheirCreatorart。Comparedwiththee，theyareneitherbeautifulnorgood，nordotheyevenexist。Thesethingsweknow，thanksbetothee。Yetourknowledgeisignorancewhenitiscomparedwiththyknowledge。