Meggie’sdoorwaswideopen，morelightwellingthroughit；blockingtheraysforamoment，heshutherdoorbehindhimandlockedit。ShehaddonnedaloosewrapperandwassittinginachairbythewindowlookingoutacrosstheinvisibleHomePaddock，butherheadturnedtowatchhimwalktothebed，sitonitsedge。Slowlyshegotupandcametohim。
\"Here，I’llhelpyougetyourbootsoff。That’sthereasonIneverwearkneeonesmyself。Ican’tgetthemoffwithoutajack，andajackruinsgoodboots。\"
\"Didyouwearthatcolordeliberately，Meggie？\"\"Ashesofroses？\"Shesmiled。\"It’salwaysbeenmyfavoritecolor。Itdoesn’tclashwithmyhair。\"
Heputonefootonherbacksidewhileshepulledabootoff，thenchangeditforthebarefoot。
\"WereyousosureI’dcometoyou，Meggie？\"
\"Itoldyou。OnDroghedayou’remine。Hadyounotcometome，I’dhavegonetoyou，makenomistake。\"Shedrewhisshirtoverhishead，andforamomentherhandrestedwithluxurioussensitivityonhisbareback，thenshewentacrosstothelampandturneditout，whilehedrapedhisclothesoverachairback。Hecouldhearhermovingabout，sheddingherwrapper。AndtomorrowmorningI’llsayMass。Butthat’stomorrowmorning，andthemagichaslonggone。Thereisstillthenight，andMeggie。Ihavewantedher。She，too，isasacrament。
Danewasdisappointed。\"Ithoughtyou’dweararedsoutane！\"hesaid。\"SometimesIdo，Dane，butonlywithinthewallsofthepalace。Outsideit，Iwearablacksoutanewitharedsash，likethis。\"
\"Doyoureallyhaveapalace？\"
\"Yes。\"
\"Isitfullofchandeliers？\"
\"Yes，butsoisDrogheda。\"
\"Oh，Drogheda！\"saidDaneindisgust。\"I’llbetoursarelittleonescomparedtoyours。I’dlovetoseeyourpalace，andyouinaredsoutane。\"CardinalRalphsmiled。\"Whoknows，Dane？Perhapsonedayyouwill。\"Theboyhadacuriousexpressionalwaysatthebackofhiseyes；adistantlook。WhenheturnedduringtheMass，CardinalRalphsawitreinforced，buthedidn’trecognizeit，onlyfeltitsfamiliarity。Nomanseeshimselfinamirrorashereallyis，noranywoman。
LuddieandAnneMuellerweredueinforChristmas，asindeedtheywereeveryyear。Thebighousewasfulloflight-heartedpeople，lookingforwardtothebestChristmasinyears；MinnieandCatsangtunelesslyastheyworked，Mrs。Smith’splumpfacewaswreathedinsmiles，MeggierelinquishedDanetoCardinalRalphwithoutcomment，andFeeseemedmuchhappier，lessgluedtoherdesk。Themenseizeduponanyexcusetomakeitbackineachnight，forafteralatedinnerthedrawingroombuzzedwithconversation，andMrs。Smithhadtakentopreparingabedtimesuppersnackofmeltedcheeseontoast，hotbutteredcrumpetsandraisinscones。CardinalRalphprotestedthatsomuchgoodfoodwouldmakehimfat，butafterthreedaysofDroghedaair，DroghedapeopleandDroghedafood，heseemedtobesheddingtherathergaunt，haggardlookhehadwornwhenhearrived。
Thefourthdaycameinveryhot。CardinalRalphhadgonewithDanetobringinamobofsheep，Justinesulkedaloneinthepeppertree，andMeggieloungedonacushionedcanesetteeontheveranda。Herbonesfeltlimp，glutted，andshewasveryhappy。Awomancanlivewithoutitquitewellforyearsatastretch，butitwasnice，whenitwastheoneman。WhenshewaswithRalpheverypartofhercamealiveexceptthatpartwhichbelongedtoDane；thetroublewas，whenshewaswithDaneeverypartofhercamealiveexceptthatwhichbelongedtoRalph。Onlywhenbothofthemwerepresentinherworldsimultaneously，asnow，didshefeelutterlycomplete。Well，itstoodtoreason。Danewasherson，butRalphwasherman。Yetonethingmarredherhappiness；Ralphhadn’tseen。Sohermouthremainedcloseduponhersecret。Ifhecouldn’tseeitforhimself，whyshouldshetellhim？Whathadheeverdone，toearnthetelling？ThathecouldthinkforamomentshehadgonebacktoLukewillinglywasthelaststraw。Hedidn’tdeservetobetold，ifhecouldthinkthatofher。SometimesshefeltFee’spale，ironiceyesuponher，andshewouldstareback，unperturbed。Feeunderstood，shereallydid。Understoodthehalf-hate，theresentment，thedesiretopaybackthelonelyyears。Offchasingrainbows，thatwasRalphdeBricassart；andwhyshouldshegifthimwiththemostexquisiterainbowofall，hisson？Lethimbedeprived。Lethimsuffer，neverknowinghesuffered。
ThephonerangitsDroghedacode；Meggielistenedidly，thenrealizinghermothermustbeelsewhere，shegotupreluctantlyandwenttoanswerit。\"Mrs。FionaCleary，please，\"saidaman’svoice。WhenMeggiecalledhername，Feereturnedtotakethereceiver。\"FionaClearyspeaking，\"shesaid，andasshestoodlisteningthecolorfadedgraduallyfromherface，makingitlookasithadlookedinthedaysafterPaddyandStudied；tinyandvulnerable。\"Thankyou，\"shesaid，andhungup。
\"Whatisit，Mum？\"
\"Frank’sbeenreleased。He’scominguponthenightmailthisafternoon。\"Shelookedatherwatch。\"Imustleavesoon；it’saftertwo。\"
\"Letmecomewithyou，\"Meggieoffered，sofilledwithherownhappinessshecouldn’tbeartoseehermotherdisappointed；shesensedthatthismeetingcouldn’tbepurejoyforFee。
\"No，Meggie，I’llbeallright。Youtakecareofthingshere，andholddinneruntilIgetback。\"
\"Isn’titwonderful，Mum？Frank’scominghomeintimeforChristmas！\"\"Yes，\"saidFee，\"itiswonderful。\"
Noonetraveledonthenightmailthesedaysiftheycouldfly，sobythetimeithadhuffedthesixhundredmilesfromSydney，droppingitsmostlysecond-classpassengersatthissmalltownorthat，fewpeoplewerelefttobedisgorgedinGilly。
ThestationmasterhadanoddingacquaintancewithMrs。Clearybutwouldneverhavedreamedofengagingherinconversation，sohejustwatchedherdescendthewoodenstepsfromtheoverheadfootbridge，andleftheralonetostandstifflyonthehighplatform。Shewasastylisholdgirl，hethought；up-to-datedressandhat，high-heeledshoes，too。Goodfigure，notmanylinesonherfacereallyforanoldgirl；justwenttoshowwhattheeasylifeofagraziercoulddoforawoman。
SothatonthesurfaceFrankrecognizedhismothermorequicklythanshedidhim，thoughherheartknewhimatonce。Hewasfifty-twoyearsold，andtheyearsofhisabsencewerethosewhichhadcarriedhimfromyouthtomiddleage。ThemanwhostoodintheGillysunsetwastoothin，gauntalmost，verypale；hishairwascroppedhalfwayuphishead，heworeshapelessclotheswhichhungonaframestillhintingatpowerforallitssmallsize，andhiswell-shapedhandswereclampedonthebrimofagreyfelthat。Hewasn’tstoopedorill-looking，buthestoodhelplesslytwistingthathatbetweenhishandsandseemednottoexpectanyonetomeethim，nortoknowwhatnextheoughttodo。
Fee，controlled，walkedbrisklydowntheplatform。\"Hello，Frank，\"shesaid。
Heliftedtheeyeswhichusedtoflashandsparkleso，setnowinthefaceofanagingman。NotFrank’seyesatall。Exhausted，patient，intenselyweary。ButastheyabsorbedthesightofFeeanextraordinaryexpressioncameintothem，wounded，utterlydefenseless，filledwiththeappealofadyingman。
\"Oh，Frank！\"shesaid，andtookhiminherarms，rockinghisheadonhershoulder。\"It’sallright，it’sallright，\"shecrooned，andsofterstill，\"It’sallright！\"
Hesatslumpedandsilentinthecaratfirst，butastheRollspickedupspeedandheadedoutoftownhebegantotakeaninterestinhissurroundings，andglancedoutofthewindow。\"Itlooksexactlythesame，\"hewhispered。
\"Iimagineitdoes。Timemovesslowlyouthere。\"
Theycrossedtherumblingwooden-plankedbridgeoverthethin，muddyriverlinedwithweepingwillows，mostofitsbedexposedinatangleofrootsandgravel，poolslyinginstillbrownpatches，gumtreesgrowingeverywhereinthestonywastes。
\"TheBarwon，\"hesaid。\"IneverthoughtI’dseeitagain。\"
Behindthemroseanenormouscloudofdust，infrontofthemtheroadspedstraightasaperspectiveexerciseacrossagreatgrassyplaindevoidoftrees。
\"Theroad’snew，Mum？\"Heseemeddesperatetofindconversation，makethesituationappearnormal。
\"Yes，theyputitthroughfromGillytoMilparinkajustafterthewarended。\"
\"Theymighthavesealeditwithabitoftarinsteadofleavingitthesameolddirt。\"
\"Whatfor？We’reusedtoeatingdustouthere，andthinkoftheexpenseofmakingabedstrongenoughtoresistthemud。Thenewroadisstraight，theykeepitwellgradedanditcutoutthirteenofourtwenty-sevengates。OnlyfourteenleftbetweenGillyandthehomestead，andjustyouwaitandseewhatwe’vedonetothem，Frank。Nomoreopeningandclosinggates。\"TheRollsranuparamptowardasteelgatewhichliftedlazily；themomentthecarpassedunderitandgotafewyardsdownthetrack，thegatelowereditselfclosed。
\"Wondersnevercease！\"saidFrank。
\"Wewerethefirststationaroundheretoinstalltheautomaticrampgates——onlybetweentheMilparinkaroadandthehomestead，ofcourse。Thepaddockgatesstillhavetobeopenedandclosedbyhand。\"
\"Well，Ireckontheblokethatinventedthesegatesmusthaveopenedandclosedalotinhistime，eh？\"Frankgrinned；itwasthefirstsignofamusementhehadshown。
Butthenhefellsilent，sohismotherconcentratedonherdriving，unwillingtopushhimtooquickly。WhentheypassedunderthelastgateandenteredtheHomePaddock，hegasped。
\"I’dforgottenhowlovelyitis，\"hesaid。
\"It’shome，\"saidFee。\"We’velookedafterit。\"
ShedrovetheRollsdowntothegaragesandthenwalkedwithhimbacktothebighouse，onlythistimehecarriedhiscasehimself。\"Wouldyouratherhavearoominthebighouse，Frank，oraguesthousealltoyourself？\"hismotherasked。
\"I’lltakeaguesthouse，thanks。\"Theexhaustedeyesrestedonherface。\"Itwillbenicetobeabletogetawayfrompeople，\"heexplained。Thatwastheonlyreferenceheevermadetoconditionsinjail。\"Ithinkitwillbebetterforyou，\"shesaid，leadingthewayintoherdrawingroom。\"Thebighouseisprettyfullatthemoment，whatwiththeCardinalhere，DaneandJustinehome，andLuddieandAnneMuellerarrivingthedayaftertomorrowforChristmas。\"Shepulledthebellcordforteaandwentquicklyroundtheroomlightingthekerosenelamps。\"LuddieandAnneMueller？\"heasked。
Shestoppedintheactofturningupawick，lookedathim。\"It’sbeenalongtime，Frank。TheMuellersarefriendsofMeggie’s。\"Thelamptrimmedtohersatisfaction，shesatdowninherwingchair。\"We’llhavedinnerinanhour，butfirstwe’llhaveacupoftea。Ihavetowashthedustoftheroadoutofmymouth。\"
Frankseatedhimselfawkwardlyontheedgeofoneofthecreamsilkottomans，gazingattheroominawe。\"ItlookssodifferentfromthedaysofAuntieMary。\"
Feesmiled。\"Well，Ithinkso，\"shesaid。
ThenMeggiecamein，anditwashardertoassimilatethefactofMeggiegrownintoamaturewomanthantoseehismotherold。Ashissisterhuggedandkissedhimheturnedhisfaceaway，shrankinsidehisbaggycoatandsearchedbeyondhertohismother，whosatlookingathimasiftosay:Itdoesn’tmatter，itwillallseemnormalsoon，justgiveittime。Aminutelater，whilehewasstillsearchingforsomethingtosaytothisstranger，Meggie’sdaughtercamein；atall，skinnyyounggirlwhosatdownstiffly，herbighandspleatingfoldsinherdress，herlighteyesfixedfirstononeface，thenonanother。Meggie’ssonenteredwiththeCardinalandwenttositonthefloorbesidehissister，abeautiful，calmlyaloofboy。
\"Frank，thisismarvelous，\"saidCardinalRalph，shakinghimbythehand，thenturningtoFeewithhisleftbrowraised。\"Acupoftea？Verygoodidea。\"
TheClearymencameintotheroomtogether，andthatwasveryhard，fortheyhadn’tforgivenhimatall。Frankknewwhy；itwasthewayhehadhurttheirmother。Buthedidn’tknowofanythingtosaywhichwouldmakethemunderstandanyofit，norcouldhetellthemofthepain，theloneliness，orbegforgiveness。Theonlyone。whoreallymatteredwashismother，andshehadneverthoughttherewasanythingtoforgive。ItwastheCardinalwhotriedtoholdtheeveningtogether，wholedtheconversationroundthedinnertableandthenafterwardbackinthedrawingroom，chattingwithdiplomaticeaseandmakingaspecialpointofincludingFrankinthegathering。
\"Bob，I’vemeanttoaskyoueversinceIarrivedwherearetherabbits？\"theCardinalasked。\"I’veseenmillionsofburrows，butnaryarabbit。\"\"Therabbitsarealldead，\"Bobanswered。
\"Dead？\"
\"That’sright，fromsomethingcalledmyxomatosis。Betweentherabbitsandthedroughtyears，Australiawasjustaboutfinishedasaprimaryproducingnationbynineteenforty-seven。Weweredesperate，\"saidBob，warmingtohisthemeandgratefultohavesomethingtodiscusswhichwouldexcludeFrank。
AtwhichpointFrankunwittinglyantagonizedhisnextbrotherbysaying，\"Iknewitwasbad，butnotasbadasallthat。\"Hesatback，hopinghehadpleasedtheCardinalbycontributinghismitetothediscussion。\"Well，I’mnotexaggerating，believeme！\"saidBobtartly；howwouldFrankknow？
\"Whathappened？\"theCardinalaskedquickly。
\"TheyearbeforelasttheCommonwealthScientificandIndustrialResearchOrganizationstartedanexperimentalprograminVictoria，infectingrabbitswiththisvirusthingthey’dbred。I’mnotsurewhatavirusis，exceptIthinkit’sasortofgerm。Anyway，theycalledtheirsthemyxomatosisvirus。Atfirstitdidn’tseemtospreadtoowell，thoughwhatbunniescaughtitalldied。Butaboutayearaftertheexperimentalinfectionitbegantospreadlikewildfire，theythinkmosquito-borne，butsomethingtodowithsaffronthistleaswell。Andthebunnieshavediedinmillionsandmillionseversince，it’sjustwipedthemout。You’llsometimesseeafewsickiesaroundwithhugelumpsallovertheirfaces，veryugly-lookingthings。Butit’samarvelouspieceofwork，Ralph，itreallyis。Nothingelsecancatchmyxomatosis，evencloserelatives。SothankstotheblokesattheCSIRO，therabbitplagueisnomore。\"
CardinalRalphstaredatFrank。\"Doyourealizewhatitis，Frank？Doyou？\"PoorFrankshookhishead，wishingeveryonewouldlethimretreatintoanonymity。
\"Mass-scalebiologicalwarfare。IwonderdoestherestoftheworldknowthatrighthereinAustraliabetween1949and1952aviruswarwaswagedagainstapopulationoftrillionsupontrillions，andsucceededinobliteratingit？Well！It’sfeasible，isn’tit？Notsimplyyellowjournalismatall，butscientificfact。Theymayaswellburytheiratombombsandhydrogenbombs。Iknowithadtobedone，itwasabsolutelynecessary，
andit’sprobablytheworld’smostunsungmajorscientificachievement。Butit’sterrifying，too。\"
Danehadbeenfollowingtheconversationclosely。\"Biologicalwarfare？I’veneverheardofit。Whatisitexactly，Ralph？\"
\"Thewordsarenew，Dane，butI’mapapaldiplomatandthepityofitisthatImustkeepabreastofwordslike\"biologicalwarfare。\"Inanutshell，thetermmeansmyxomatosis。Breedingagermcapableofspecificallykillingandmaimingonlyonekindoflivingbeing。\"
QuiteunselfconsciouslyDanemadetheSignoftheCross，andleanedbackagainstRalphdeBricassart’sknees。\"Wehadbetterpray，hadn’twe？\"TheCardinallookeddownonhisfairhead，smiling。
ThateventuallyFrankmanagedtofitintoDroghedalifeatallwasthankstoFee，whointhefaceofstiffmaleClearyoppositioncontinuedtoactasifheroldestsonhadbeengonebutashortwhile，andhadneverbroughtdisgraceonhisfamilyorbitterlyhurthismother。Quietlyandinconspicuouslysheslippedhimintothenicheheseemedtowanttooccupy，removedfromherothersons；nordidsheencouragehimtoregainsomeofthevitalityofotherdays。Forithadallgone；shehadknownitthemomenthelookedatherontheGillystationplatform。Swallowedupbyanexistencethenatureofwhichherefusedtodiscusswithher。Themostshecoulddoforhimwastomakehimashappyaspossible，andsurelythewaytodothatwastoacceptthenowFrankasthealwaysFrank。
Therewasnoquestionofhisworkingthepaddocks，forhisbrothersdidn’twanthim，nordidhewantakindoflifehehadalwayshated。Thesightofgrowingthingspleasedhim，soFeeputhimtopotterinthehomesteadgardens，lefthiminpeace。AndgraduallytheClearymengrewusedtohavingFrankbackinthefamilybosom，begantounderstandthatthethreatFrankusedtorepresenttotheirownwelfarewasquiteempty。
Nothingwouldeverchangewhattheirmotherfeltforhim，itdidn’tmatterwhetherhewasinjailoronDrogheda，shewouldstillfeelit。TheimportantthingwasthattohavehimonDroghedamadeherhappy。Hedidn’tintrudeupontheirlives，hewasnomoreornolessthanalways。YetforFeeitwasn’tajoytohaveFrankhomeagain；howcoulditbe？Seeinghimeverydaywassimplyadifferentkindofsorrowfromnotbeingabletoseehimatall。Theterriblegriefofhavingtowitnessaruinedlife，aruinedman。Whowashermostbelovedson，andmusthaveenduredagoniesbeyondherimagination。
OnedayafterFrankhadbeenhomeaboutsixmonths，MeggiecameintothedrawingroomtofindhermothersittinglookingthroughthebigwindowstowhereFrankwasclippingthegreatbankofrosesalongsidethedrive。Sheturnedaway，andsomethinginhercalmlyarrangedfacesentMeggie’shandsuptoherheart。
\"Oh，Mum！\"shesaidhelplessly。
Feelookedather，shookherheadandsmiled。\"Itdoesn’tmatter，Meggie，\"shesaid。
\"IfonlytherewassomethingIcoulddo！\"
\"Thereis。Justcarryonthewayyouhavebeen。I’mverygrateful。You’vebecomeanally。\"
six
1954-1965Dane
\"Well，\"saidJustinetohermother，\"I’vedecidedwhatI’mgoingtodo。\"\"Ithoughtitwasalreadydecided。ArtsatSydneyUniversity，isn’tthatright？\"
\"Oh，thatwasjustaredherringtolullyouintoafalsesenseofsecuritywhileImademyplans。Butnowit’sallset，soIcantellyou。\"Meggie’sheadcameupfromhertask，cuttingfir-treeshapesincookiedough；Mrs。Smithwasillandtheywerehelpingoutinthecookhouse。Sheregardedherdaughterwearily，impatiently，helplessly。WhatcouldonedowithsomeonelikeJustine？IfsheannouncedshewasgoingofftotrainasawhoreinaSydneybordello，Meggieverymuchdoubtedwhethershecouldbeturnedaside。Dear，horribleJustine，queenamongjuggernauts。
\"Goon，I’mallagog，\"shesaid，andwentbacktoproducingcookies。\"I’mgoingtobeanactress。\"
\"Awhat？\"
\"Anactress。\"
\"GoodLord！\"Thefirtreeswereabandonedagain。\"Look，Justine，IhatetobeaspoilsportandtrulyIdon’tmeantohurtyourfeelings，butdoyouthinkyou’re-well，quitephysicallyequippedtobeanactress？\"\"Oh，Mum！\"saidJustine，disgusted。\"Notafilmstar；anactress！Idon’twanttowigglemyhipsandstickoutmybreastsandpoutmywetlips！Iwanttoact。\"Shewaspushingchunksofdefattedbeefintothecorningbarrel。\"IhaveenoughmoneytosupportmyselfduringwhateversortoftrainingIchoose，isn’tthatright？\"
\"Yes，thankstoCardinaldeBricassart。\"
\"Thenit’sallsettled。I’mgoingtostudyactingwithAlbertJonesattheCullodenTheater，andI’vewrittentotheRoyalAcademyofDramaticArtinLondon，askingthatIbeputontheirwaitinglist。\"
\"Areyouquitesure，Jussy？\"
\"Quitesure。I’veknownforalongtime。\"Thelastpieceofbloodybeefwastuckeddownunderthesurfaceofthecorningsolution；Justineputthelidonthebarrelwithathump。\"There！IhopeIneverseeanotherbitofcornedbeefaslongasIlive。\"
Meggiehandedheracompletedtrayofcookies。\"Puttheseintheoven，wouldyou？Fourhundreddegrees。Imustsaythiscomesassomethingofasurprise。Ithoughtlittlegirlswhowantedtobeactressesroleplayedconstantly，buttheonlypersonI’veeverseenyouplayhasbeenyourself。\"\"Oh，Mum！Thereyougoagain，confusingfilmstarswithactresses。Honestly，you’rehopeless。\"
\"Well，aren’tfilmstarsactresses？\"
\"Ofaveryinferiorsort。Unlessthey’vebeenonthestagefirst，thatis。Imean，evenLaurenceOlivierdoesanoccasionalfilm。\"
TherewasanautographedpictureofLaurenceOlivieronJustine’sdressingtable；Meggiehadsimplydeemeditjuvenilecrushstuff，thoughatthetimesherememberedthinkingatleastJustinehadtaste。ThefriendsshesometimesbroughthomewithhertostayafewdaysusuallytreasuredpicturesofTabHunterandRoryCalhoun。\"Istilldon’tunderstand，\"saidMeggie，shakingherhead。\"Anactress！\"Justineshrugged。\"Well，whereelsecanIscreamandyellandhowlbutonastage？I’mnotallowedtodoanyofthosehere，oratschool，oranywhere！Ilikescreamingandyellingandhowling，dammit！\"\"Butyou’resogoodatart，Jussy！Whynotbeanartist？\"Meggiepersevered。
Justineturnedfromthehugegasstove，flickedherfingeragainstacylindergauge。\"Imusttellthekitchenrouseabouttochangebottles；we’relow。It’lldofortoday，though。\"ThelighteyessurveyedMeggiewithpity。\"You’resoimpractical，Mum，really。Ithoughtitwassupposedtobethechildrenwhodidn’tstoptoconsideracareer’spracticalaspects。Letmetellyou，Idon’twanttostarvetodeathinagarretandbefamousafterI’mdead。IwanttoenjoyabitoffamewhileI’mstillalive，andbeverycomfortablefinancially。SoI’llpaintasahobbyandactforaliving。How’sthat？\"
\"You’vegotanincomefromDrogheda，Jussy，\"Meggiesaiddesperately，breakinghervowtoremainsilentnomatterwhat。\"Itwouldnevercometostarvinginagarret。Ifyou’dratherpaint，it’sallright。Youcan。\"Justinelookedalert，interested。\"HowmuchhaveIgot，Mum？\"\"Enoughthatifyoupreferred，youneedneverworkatanything。\"\"Whatabore！I’denduptalkingonthetelephoneandplayingbridge；atleastthat’swhatthemothersofmostofmyschoolfriendsdo。BecauseI’dbelivinginSydney，notonDrogheda。IlikeSydneymuchbetterthanDrogheda。\"Agleamofhopeenteredhereye。\"DoIhaveenoughtopaytohavemyfrecklesremovedwiththisnewelectricaltreatment？\"
\"Ishouldthinkso。Butwhy？\"
\"Becausethensomeonemightseemyface，that’swhy。\"
Ithoughtlooksdidn’tmattertoanactress？\"
\"Enough’senough，Mum。Myfrecklesareapain。\"
\"Areyousureyouwouldn’tratherbeanartist？\"\"Quitesure，thankyou。\"Shedidalittledance。\"I’mgoingtotreadtheboards，Mrs。Worthington！\"
\"HowdidyougetyourselfintotheCulloden？\"\"Iauditioned。\"
\"Andtheytookyou？\"
\"Yourfaithinyourdaughteristouching，Mum。Ofcoursetheytookme！I’msuperb，youknow。OnedayIshallbeveryfamous。\"
Meggiebeatgreenfoodcoloringintoabowlofrunnyicingandbegantodrizzleitoveralreadybakedfirtrees。\"Isitimportanttoyou，Justine？Fame？\"
\"Ishouldsayso。\"Shetippedsugarinontopofbuttersosoftithadmoldeditselftotheinnercontoursofthebowl；inspiteofthegasstoveinsteadofthewoodstove，thecookhousewasveryhot。\"I’mabsolutelyiron-bounddeterminedtobefamous。\"
\"Don’tyouwanttogetmarried？\"
Justinelookedscornful。\"Notbloodylikely！Spendmylifewipingsnottynosesandcackybums？Salaamingtosomemannothalfmyequaleventhoughhethinkshe’sbetter？Hohoho，notme！\"
\"Honestly，you’rethedizzylimit！Wheredoyoupickupyourlanguage？\"Justinebegancrackingeggsrapidlyanddeftlyintoabasin，usingonehand。\"Atmyexclusiveladies\"college，ofcourse。\"ShedrubbedtheeggsunmercifullywithaFrenchwhisk。\"Wewerequiteadecentbunchofgirls，actually。Verycultured。Itisn’teverygaggleofsillyadolescentfemalescanappreciatethedelicacyofaLatinlimerick:
TherewasaRomanfromVinidiumWhoseshirtwasmadeofiridium；
Whenaskedwhythevest，Hereplied，\"IdestBonumsanguinempraesidium。\"
Meggie’slipstwitched。\"I’mgoingtohatemyselfforasking，butwhatdidtheRomansay？\"was\"It’sabloodygoodprotection。\"his
\"Isthatall？Ithoughtitwasgoingtobealotworse。Yousurpriseme。Butgettingbacktowhatweweresaying，deargirl，inspiteofyourneatefforttochangethesubject，what’swrongwithmarriage？\"Justineimitatedhergrandmother’sraresnortofironiclaughter。\"Mum！Really！You’reafineonetoaskthat，Imustsay。\"
Meggiefeltthebloodwellupunderherskin，andlookeddownatthetrayofbright-greentrees。\"Don’tbeimpertinent，evenifyouarearipeoldseventeen。\"
\"Isn’titodd？\"Justineaskedthemixingbowl。\"Theminuteoneventuresontostrictlyparentalterritory，onebecomesimpertinent。Ijustsaid:You’reafineonetoask。Perfectlytrue，dammit！I’mnotnecessarilyimplyingyou’reafailure，orasinner，orworse。ActuallyIthinkyou’veshownremarkablegoodsense，dispensingwithyourhusband。Whathaveyouneededonefor？There’sbeentonsofmaleinfluenceforyourchildrenwiththeUnksaround，you’vegotenoughmoneytoliveon。Iagreewithyou！Marriageisforthebirds。\"
\"You’rejustlikeyourfather！\"
\"Anotherevasion。WheneverIdispleaseyou，Ibecomejustlikemyfather。Well，I’llhavetotakeyourwordforthat，sinceI’veneverlaideyesonthegentleman。\"
\"Whenareyouleaving？\"Meggieaskeddesperately。Justinegrinned。\"Can’twaittogetridofme，eh？It’sallright，Mum，Idon’tblameyouintheleast。ButIcan’thelpit，Ijustloveshockingpeople，especiallyyou。Hewabouttakingmeintothe’drometomorrow？\"\"Makeitthedayafter。TomorrowI’lltakeyoutothebank。You’dbetterknowhowmuchyou’vegot。And，Justine……\"Justinewasaddingflourandfoldingexpertly，butshelookedupatthechangeinhermother’svoice。\"Yes。
\"Ifeveryou’reintrouble，comehome，please。We’vealwaysgotroomforyouonDrogheda，Iwantyoutorememberthat。Nothingyoucouldeverdowouldbesobadyoucouldn’tcomehome。\"
Justine’sgazesoftened。\"Thanks，Mum。You’renotabadoldstickunderneath，areyou？\"
\"Old？\"gaspedMeggie。\"Iamnotold！I’monlyforty-three！\"\"GoodLord，asmuchasthat？\"
MeggiehurledacookieandhitJustineonthenose。\"Oh，youwretch！\"shelaughed。\"Whatamonsteryouare！NowIfeellikeahundred。\"
Herdaughtergrinned。
AtwhichmomentFeewalkedintoseehowthingsinthecookhouseweregoing；Meggiehailedherarrivalwithrelief。
\"Mum，doyouknowwhatJustinejusttoldme？\"Fee’seyeswerenolongeruptoanythingbeyondtheuttermosteffortofkeepingthebooks，butthemindatbackofthosesmudgedpupilswasasacuteasever。
\"HowcouldIpossiblyknowwhatJustinejusttoldyou？\"sheinquiredmildly，regardingthegreencookieswithaslightshudder。\"BecausesometimesitstrikesmethatyouandJussyhavelittlesecretsfromme，andnow，themomentmydaughterfinishestellingmehernews，inyouwalkwhenyouneverdo。\"
\"Mmmmmm，atleasttheytastebetterthantheylook，\"commentedFee，nibbling。\"Iassureyou，Meggie，Idon’tencourageyourdaughtertoconspirewithmebehindyourback。Whathaveyoudonetoupsettheapplecartnow，Justine？\"sheasked，turningtowhereJustinewaspouringherspongemixtureintogreasedandflouredtins。\"ItoldMumIwasgoingtobeanactress，Nanna，that’sall。\"\"That’sall，eh？Isittrue，oronlyoneofyourdubiousjokes？\"\"Oh，it’strue。I’mstartingattheCulloden。\"
\"Well，well，well！\"saidFee，leaningagainstthetableandsurveyingherowndaughterironically。\"Isn’titamazinghowchildrenhavemindsoftheirown，Meggie？\"
Meggiedidn’tanswer。
\"Doyoudisapprove，Nanna？\"Justinegrowled，readytodobattle。\"I？Disapprove？It’snoneofmybusinesswhatyoudowithyourlife，Justine。Besides，Ithinkyou’llmakeagoodactress。\"
\"Youdo？\"gaspedMeggie。
\"Ofcourseshewill，\"saidFee。\"Justine’snotthesorttochooseunwisely，areyou，mygirl？\"
\"No。\"Justinegrinned，pushingadampcurloutofhereye。Meggiewatchedherregardinghergrandmotherwithanaffectionsheneverseemedtoextendtohermother。
\"You’reagoodgirl，Justine，\"Feepronounced，andfinishedthecookieshehadstartedsounenthusiastically。\"Notbadatall，butIwishyou’dicedtheminwhite。\"
\"Youcan’ticetreesinwhite，\"Meggiecontradicted。\"Ofcourseyoucanwhenthey’refirs；itmightbesnow，\"hermothersaid。\"Toolatenow，they’revomitgreen，\"laughedJustine。\"Justine！\"
\"Ooops！Sorry，Mum，didn’tmeantooffendyou。Ialwaysforgetyou’vegotaweakstomach。\"
\"Ihaven’tgotaweakstomach，\"saidMeggie，exasperated。\"Icametoseeiftherewasanychanceofacuppa，\"
Feebrokein，pullingoutachairandsittingdown。\"Putonthekettle，Justine，likeagoodgirl。\"
Meggiesatdown，too。\"DoyoureallythinkthiswillworkoutforJustine，Mum？\"sheaskedanxiously。
\"Whyshouldn’tit？\"Feeanswered，watchinghergranddaughterattendingtothetearitual。
\"Itmightbeapassingphase。\"
\"Isitapassingphase，Justine？\"Feeasked。
\"No，\"Justinesaidtersely，puttingcupsandsaucersontheoldgreenkitchentable。
\"Useaplateforthebiscuits，Justine，don’tputthemoutintheirbarrel，\"saidMeggieautomatically，\"andforpity’ssakedon’tdumpthewholemilkcanonthetable，putsomeinaproperafternoonteajug。\"\"Yes，Mum，sorry，Mum，\"Justineresponded，equallymechanically。\"Can’tseethepointoffrillsinthekitchen。AllI’vegottodoisputwhateverisn’teatenbackwhereitcamefrom，andwashupacoupleofextradishes。\"\"Justdoasyou’retold；it’ssomuchnicer。\"
\"Gettingbacktothesubject，\"Feepursued，\"Idon’tthinkthere’sanythingtodiscuss。It’smyopinionthatJustineoughttobeallowedtotry，andwillprobablydoverywell。\"
\"IwishIcouldbesosure，\"saidMeggieglumly。\"Haveyoubeenonaboutfameandglory，Justine？\"hergrandmotherdemanded。\"Theyenterthepicture，\"saidJustine，puttingtheoldbrownkitchenteapotonthetabledefiantlyandsittingdowninahurry。\"Nowdon’tcomplain，Mum；I’mnotmakingteainasilverpotforthekitchenandthat’sfinal。\"
\"Theteapotisperfectlyappropriate。\"Meggiesmiled。\"Oh，that’sgood！There’snothinglikeanicecupoftea，\"sighedFee，sipping。\"Justine，whydoyoupersistinputtingthingstoyourmothersobadly？Youknowitisn’taquestionoffameandfortune。It’saquestionofself，isn’tit？\"
\"Self，Nanna？\"
\"Ofcourse。Self。Actingiswhatyoufeelyouweremeanttodo，isn’tthatright？\"
\"Yes。\"
\"Thenwhycouldn’tyouhaveexplaineditsotoyourmother？Whyupsetherwithalotofflippantnonsense？\"
Justineshrugged，drankherteadownandpushedtheemptycuptowardhermotherformore。\"Dunno，\"shesaid。
\"I-dont-know，\"Feecorrected。\"You’llarticulateproperlyonthestage，Itrust。Butselfiswhyyouwanttobeanactress，isn’tit？\"\"Isupposeso，\"answeredJustinereluctantly。\"Oh，thatstubborn，pigheadedClearypride！Itwillbeyourdownfall，too，Justine，unlessyoulearntoruleit。Thatstupidfearofbeinglaughedat，orhelduptosomesortofridicule。ThoughwhyyouthinkyourmotherwouldbesocruelIdon’tknow。\"ShetappedJustineonthebackofherhand。\"Givealittle，Justine；cooperate。\"
ButJustineshookherheadandsaid，\"Ican’t。\"
Feesighed。\"Well，forwhatearthlygooditwilldoyou，child，youhavemyblessingonyourenterprise。\"
\"Ta，Nanna，Iappreciateit。\"
\"ThenkindlyshowyourappreciationinaconcretefashionbyfindingyouruncleFrankandtellinghimthere’steainthekitchen，please。\"Justinewentoff，andMeggiestaredatFee。
\"Mum，you’reamazing，youreallyare。\"
Feesmiled。\"Well，youhavetoadmitInevertriedtotellanyofmychildrenwhattodo。\"
\"No，youneverdid，\"saidMeggietenderly。\"Wedidappreciateit，too。\"
ThefirstthingJustinedidwhenshearrivedbackinSydneywasbegintohaveherfrecklesremoved。Notaquickprocess，unfortunately；shehadsomanyitwouldtakeabouttwelvemonths，andthenshewouldhavetostayoutofthesunfortherestofherlife，ortheywouldcomeback。Thesecondthingshedidwastofindherselfanapartment，nomeanfeatinSydneyatthattime，whenpeoplebuiltprivatehomesandregardedlivingenmasseinbuildingsasanathema。Buteventuallyshefoundatwo-roomfiatinNeutralBay，inoneofthehugeoldwatersideVictorianmansionswhichhadfallenonhardtimesandbeenmadeoverintodingysemi-apartments。Therentwasfivepoundstenshillingsaweek，outrageousconsideringthatthebathroomandkitchenwerecommunal，sharedbyallthetenants:However，Justinewasquitesatisfied。Thoughshehadbeenwelltraineddomestically，shehadfewhomemakerinstincts。
LivinginBothwellGardenswasmorefascinatingthanheractingapprenticeshipattheCulloden，wherelifeseemedtoconsistinskulkingbehindsceneryandwatchingotherpeoplerehearse，gettinganoccasionalwalk-on，memorizingmassesofShakespeare，ShawandSheridan。IncludingJustine’s，BothwellGardenshadsixflats，plusMrs。Devinethelandlady。Mrs。Devinewasasixty-five-year-oldLondonerwithadolefulsniff，protrudingeyesandagreatcontemptforAustraliaandAustralians，thoughshewasn’taboverobbingthem。Herchiefconcerninlifeseemedtobehowmuchgasandelectricitycost，andherchiefweaknesswasJustine’snext-doorneighbor，ayoungEnglishmanwhoexploitedhisnationalitycheerfully。
\"Idon’tmindgivingtheoldduckanoccasionalticklewhilewereminisce，\"hetoldJustine。\"Keepsheroffmyback，youknow。Yougirlsaren’tallowedtorunelectricradiatorseveninwinter，butIwasgivenoneandI’mallowedtorunitallsummeraswellifIfeellikeit。\"
\"Pig，\"saidJustinedispassionately。
HisnamewasPeterWilkins，andhewasatravelingsalesman。\"ComeinandI’llmakeyouanicecuppasometime，\"hecalledafterher，rathertakenwiththosepale，intriguingeyes。Justinedid，carefulnottochooseatimewhenMrs。Devinewaslurkingjealouslyabout，andgotquiteusedtofightingPeteroff。TheyearsofridingandworkingonDroghedahadendowedherwithconsiderablestrength，andshewasuntroubledbyshibbolethslikehittingbelowthebelt。\"Goddamnyou，Justine！\"gaspedPeter，wipingthetearsofpainfromhiseyes。\"Givein，girl！You’vegottoloseitsometime，youknow！Thisisn’tVictorianEngland，youaren’texpectedtosaveitformarriage。\"\"Ihavenointentionofsavingitformarriage，\"sheanswered，adjustingherdress。\"I’mjustnotsurewho’sgoingtogetthehonor，that’sall。\"\"You’renothingtowritehomeabout！\"hesnappednastily；shehadreallyhurt。
\"No，thatI’mnot。Sticksandstones，Pete。Youcan’thurtmewithwords。Andthereareplentyofmenwhowillshaganythingifit’savirgin。\"\"Plentyofwomen，too！Watchthefrontflat。\"
\"Oh，Ido，Ido，\"saidJustine。
Thetwogirlsinthefrontflatwerelesbians，andhadhailedJustine’sadventgleefullyuntiltheyrealizedshenotonlywasn’tinterested，shewasn’tevenintrigued。Atfirstshewasn’tquitesurewhattheywerehintingat，butaftertheyspelleditoutbaldlysheshruggedhershoulders，unimpressed。Thusafteraperiodofadjustmentshebecametheirsoundingboard，theirneutralconfidante，theirportinallstorms；shebailedBillieoutofjail，tookBobbietotheMaterhospitaltohaveherstomachpumpedoutafteraparticularlybadquarrelwithBillie，refusedtotakesideswitheitherofthemwhenPat，Also，GeorgieandRonniehoveinturnsonthehorizon。Itdidseemaveryinsecurekindofemotionallife，shethought。Menwerebadenough，butatleasttheyhadthespiceofintrinsicdifference。
SobetweentheCullodenandBothwellGardensandgirlsshehadknownfromKincoppaldays，Justinehadquitealotoffriends，andwasagoodfriendherself。Shenevertoldthemallhertroublesastheydidher；shehadDaneforthat，thoughwhatfewtroublessheadmittedtohavingdidn’tappeartopreyuponher。Thethingwhichfascinatedherfriendsthemostaboutherwasherextraordinaryself-discipline；asifshehadtrainedherselffrominfancynottoletcircumstancesaffectherwell-being。Ofchiefinteresttoeveryonecalledafriendwashow，whenandwithwhomJustinewouldfinallydecidetobecomeafulfilledwoman，butshetookhertime。
ArthurLestrangewasAlbertJones’smostdurablejuvenilelead，thoughhehadwistfullywavedgoodbyetohisfortiethbirthdaytheyearbeforeJustinearrivedattheCulloden。Hehadagoodbody，wasasteady，reliableactorandhisclean-cut，manlyfacewithitssurroundofyellowcurlswasalwayssuretoevokeaudienceapplause。Forthefirstyearhedidn’tnoticeJustine，whowasveryquietanddidexactlyasshewastold。Butattheendoftheyearherfreckletreatmentswerefinished，andshebegantostandoutagainstthesceneryinsteadofblendingintoit。
Minusthefrecklesandplusmakeuptodarkenherbrowsandlashes，shewasagood-lookinggirlinanelfin，understatedway。ShehadnoneofLukeO’neill’sarrestingbeauty，orhermother’sexquisiteness。Herfigurewaspassablethoughnotspectacular，atrifleonthethinside。Onlythevividredhaireverstoodout。Butonastageshewasquitedifferent；shecouldmakepeoplethinkshewasasbeautifulasHelenofTroyorasuglyasawitch。
Arthurfirstnoticedherduringateachingperiod，whenshewasrequiredtoreciteapassagefromConrad’sLordJimusingvariousaccents。Shewasextraordinary，really；hecouldfeeltheexcitementinAlbertJones，andfinallyunderstoodwhyAlsodevotedsomuchtimetoher。Abornmimic，butfarmorethanthat；shegavecharactertoeverywordshesaid。Andtherewasthevoice，awonderfulnaturalendowmentforanyactress，deep，husky，penetrating。
Sowhenhesawherwithacupofteainherhand，sittingwithabookopenonherknees，hecametositbesideher。
\"Whatareyoureading？\"
Shelookedup，smiled。\"Proust。\"
\"Don’tyoufindhimalittledull？\"
\"Proustdull？Notunlessonedoesn’tcareforgossip，surely。That’swhatheis，youknow。Aterribleoldgossip。\"
Hehadanuncomfortableconvictionthatshewasintellectuallypatronizinghim，butheforgaveher。Nomorethanextremeyouth。\"IheardyoudoingtheConrad。Splendid。\"
\"Thankyou。\"
\"Perhapswecouldhavecoffeetogethersometimeanddiscussyourplans\"\"Ifyoulike，\"shesaid，returningtoProust。Hewasgladhehadstipulatedcoffee，ratherthandinner；hiswifekepthimonshortcommons，anddinnerdemandedadegreeofgratitudehecouldn’tbesureJustinewasreadytomanifest。However，hefollowedhiscasualinvitation。up，andboreherofftoadarklittleplaceinlowerElizabethStreet，wherehewasreasonablysurehiswifewouldn’tthinkoflookingforhim。
Inself-defenseJustinehadlearnedtosmoke，tiredofalwaysappearinggoody-goodyinrefusingofferedcigarettes。Aftertheywereseatedshetookherowncigarettesoutofherbag，anewpack，andpeeledthetopcellophanefromtheflip-topboxcarefully，makingsurethelargerpieceofcellophanestillsheathedthebulkofthepacket。Arthurwatchedherdeliberateness，amusedandinterested。
\"Whyonearthgotosomuchtrouble？Justripitalloff，Justine。\"\"Howuntidy！\"
Hepickeduptheboxandstrokeditsintactshroudreflectively。\"Now，ifIwasadiscipleoftheeminentSigmundFreud……\"
\"IfyouwereFreud，what？\"Sheglancedup，sawthewaitressstandingbesideher。\"Cappuccino，please。\"
Itannoyedhimthatshegaveherownorder，butheletitpass，moreintentonpursuingthethoughtinhismind。\"Vienna，please。Now，gettingbacktowhatIwassayingaboutFreud。Iwonderwhathe’dthinkofthis？Hemightsay……\"
Shetookthepacketoffhim，openedit，removedacigaretteandlititherselfwithoutgivinghimtimetofindhismatches。\"Well？\"\"He’dthinkyoulikedtokeepmembranoussubstancesintact，wouldn’the？\"Herlaughtergurgledthroughthesmokyair，causedseveralmaleheadstoturncuriously。\"Wouldhenow？IsthataroundaboutwayofaskingmeifI’mstillavirgin，Arthur？\"
Heclickedhistongue，exasperated。\"Justine！IcanseethatamongotherthingsI’llhavetoteachyouthefineartofprevarication。\"
\"Amongwhatotherthings，Arthur？\"Sheleanedherelbowsonthetable，eyesgleaminginthedimness。
\"Well，whatdoyouneedtolearn？\"
\"I’mprettywelleducated，actually。\"
\"Ineverything？\"
\"Heavens，youdoknowhowtoemphasizewords，don’tyou？Verygood，Imustrememberhowyousaidthat。\"
\"Therearethingswhichcanonlybelearnedfromfirsthandexperience，\"hesaidsoftly，reachingoutahandtotuckacurlbehindherear。\"Really？I’vealwaysfoundobservationadequate。\"
\"Ah，butwhataboutwhenitcomestolove？\"Heputadelicatedeepnessintotheword。\"HowcanyouplayJulietwithoutknowingwhatloveis？\"\"Agoodpoint。Iagreewithyou。\"\"Haveyoueverbeeninlove？\"
No。
\"Doyouknowanythingaboutlove？\"Thistimeheputthevocalforceon\"anything，\"ratherthan\"love。\"
\"Nothingatall。\"
\"Ah！ThenFreudwouldhavebeenright，eh？\"
Shepickeduphercigarettesandlookedattheirsheathedbox，smiling。\"Insomethings，perhaps。\"
Quicklyhegraspedthebottomofthecellophane，pulleditoffandhelditinhishand，dramaticallycrusheditanddroppeditintheashtray，whereitsqueakedandwrithed，expanded。\"I’dliketoteachyouwhatbeingawomanis，ifImay。\"
Foramomentshesaidnothing，intentontheanticsofthecellophaneintheashtray，thenshestruckamatchandcarefullysetfiretoit。\"Whynot？\"sheaskedthebriefflare。\"Yes，whynot？\"
\"Shallitbeadivinethingofmoonlightandroses，passionatewooing，orshallitbeshortandsharp，likeanarrow？\"hedeclaimed，handonheart。Shelaughed。\"Really，Arthur！Ihopeit’slongandsharp，myself。Butnomoonlightandroses，please。Mystomach’snotbuiltforpassionatewooing。\"Hestaredatheralittlesadly，shookhishead。\"Oh，Justine！Everyone’sstomachisbuiltforpassionatewooing-evenyours，youcold-bloodedyoungvestal。Oneday，youwaitandsee。You’lllongforit。\"
\"Pooh！\"Shegotup。\"Comeon，Arthur，let’sgetthedeedoveranddonewithbeforeIchangemymind。\"
\"Now？Tonight？\"。
\"Whyonearthnot？I’vegotplentyofmoneyforahotelroom，ifyou’reshort。\"
TheHotelMetropolewasn’tfaraway；theywalkedthroughthedrowsingstreetswithherarmtuckedcozilyinhis，laughing。Itwastoolatefordinersandtooearlyforthetheaterstobeout，sotherewerefewpeoplearound，justknotsofAmericansailorsoffavisitingtaskforce，andgroupsofyounggirlswindow-shoppingwithaneyetosailors。Noonetookanynoticeofthem，whichsuitedArthurfine。HepoppedintoachemistshopwhileJustinewaitedoutside，emergedbeaminghappily。
\"Nowwe’reallset，mylove。\"
\"Whatdidyoubuy？Frenchletters？\"
Hegrimaced。\"Ishouldhopenot。AFrenchletter，nesslikecomingwrappedinapageoftheReader’sDigest-condensedtackiness。No，Igotyousomejelly。HowdoyouknowaboutFrenchletters，anyway？\"
\"AftersevenyearsinaCatholicboardingschool？Whatdoyouthinkwedid？Prayed？\"Shegrinned。\"Iadmitwedidn’tdomuch，butwetalkedaboutevery-thing。\"
Mr。andMrs。Smithsurveyedtheirkingdom，whichwasn’tbadforaSydneyhotelroomofthatera。ThedaysoftheHiltonwerestilltocome。Itwasverylarge，andhadsuperbviewsoftheSydneyHarborBridge。Therewasnobathroom，ofcourse，buttherewasabasinandeweronamarble-toppedstand，afittingaccompanimenttotheenormousVictorianrelicsoffurniture。\"Well，whatdoIdonow？\"sheasked，pullingthecurtainsback。\"It’sabeautifulview，isn’tit？\"
\"Yes。Astowhatyoudonow，youtakeyourpantsoff，ofcourse。\"\"Anythingelse？\"sheaskedmischievously。
Hesighed。\"Takeitalloff，Justine！Ifyoudon’tfeelskinwithskinitisn’tnearlysogood。\"
Neatlyandbrisklyshegotoutofherclothes，notascrapcoyly，clambereduponthebedandspreadherlegsapart。\"Isthisright，Arthur？\"\"GoodLord！\"hesaid，foldinghistrouserscarefully；hiswifealwayslookedtoseeiftheywerecrushed。
\"What？What’sthematter？\"
\"Youreallyarearedhead，aren’tyou？\"
\"Whatdidyouexpect，purplefeathers？\"
\"Facetiousnessdoesn’tsettherightmood，darling，sostopitthisinstant。\"Hesuckedinhisbelly，turned，struttedtothebedandclimbedontoit，begandroppingexpertlittlekissesdownthesideofherface，herneck，overherleftbreast。\"Mmmmmm，you’renice。\"Hisarmswentaroundher。\"There！Isn’tthisnice？\"
\"Isupposeso。Yes，itisquitenice。\"
Silencefell，brokenonlybythesoundofkisses，occasionalmurmurs。Therewasahugeolddressingtableatthefarendofthebed，itsmirrorstilltiltedtoreflectlove’sarenabysomeeroticallymindedprevioustenant。\"Putoutthelight，Arthur。\"
\"Darling，no！Lessonnumberone。There’snoaspectoflovewhichwon’tbearthelight。\"
Havingdonethepreparatoryworkwithhisfingersanddepositedthejellywhereitwassupposedtobe，ArthurmanagedtogethimselfbetweenJustine’slegs。Abitsorebutquitecomfortable，ifnotliftedintoecstasyatleastfeelingrathermotherly，JustinelookedoverArthur’sshoulderandstraightdownthebedintothemirror。
Foreshortened，theirlegslookedweirdwithhisdarklymattedonessandwichedbetweenhersmoothdefreckledones；however，thebulkoftheimageinthemirrorconsistedofArthur’sbuttocks，andashemaneuveredtheyspreadandcontracted，hoppedupanddown，withtwoquiffsofyellowhairlikeDagwood’sjustpokingabovethetwinglobesandwavingathercheerfully。
Justinelooked；lookedagain。Shestuffedherfistagainsthermouthwildly，gurglingandmoaning。
\"There，there，mydarling，it’sallright！I’vebrokenyoualready，soitcan’thurttoomuch，\"hewhispered。
Herchestbegantoheave；hewrappedhisarmscloseraboutherandmurmuredinarticulateendearments。
Suddenlyherheadwentback，hermouthopenedinalong，agonizedwail，andbecamepealafterpealofuproariouslaughter。Andthemorelimplyfurioushegot，thehardershelaughed，pointingherfingerhelplesslytowardthefootofthebed，tearsstreamingdownherface。Herwholebodywasconvulsed，butnotquiteinthemannerpoorArthurhadenvisioned。
InmanywaysJustinewasalotclosertoDanethantheirmotherwas，andwhattheyfeltforMumbelongedtoMum。Itdidn’timpingeuponorclashwithwhattheyfeltforeachother。Thathadbeenforgedveryearly，andhadgrownratherthandiminished。BythetimeMumwasfreedfromherDroghedabondagetheywereoldenoughtobeatMrs。Smith’skitchentable，doingtheircorrespondencelessons；thehabitoffindingsolaceineachotherhadbeenestablishedforalltime。
Thoughtheywereverydissimilarincharacter，theyalsosharedmanytastesandappetites，andthosetheydidn’tsharetheytoleratedineachotherwithinstinctiverespect，asanecessaryspiceofdifference。Theykneweachotherverywellindeed。Hernaturaltendencywastodeplorehumanfailingsinothersandignoretheminherself；hisnaturaltendencywastounderstandandforgivehumanfailingsinothers，andbemercilessupontheminhimself。Shefeltherselfinvinciblystrong；heknewhimselfperilouslyweak。Andsomehowitallcametogetherasanearlyperfectfriendship，inthenameofwhichnothingwasimpossible。However，sinceJustinewasbyfarthemoretalkative，Danealwaysgottohearalotmoreaboutherandwhatshewasfeelingthantheotherwayaround。Insomerespectsshewasalittlebitofamoralimbecile，inthatnothingwassacred，andheunderstoodthathisfunctionwastoprovideherwiththescruplesshelackedwithinherself。ThusheacceptedhisroleofpassivelistenerwithatendernessandcompassionwhichwouldhaveirkedJustineenormouslyhadshesuspectedthem。
Notthatsheeverdid；shehadbeenbendinghisearaboutabsolutelyanythingandeverythingsincehewasoldenoughtopayattention。\"GuesswhatIdidlastnight？\"sheasked，carefullyadjustingherbigstrawhatsoherfaceandneckwerewellshaded。
\"Actedinyourfirststarringrole，\"Danesaid。\"Prawn！AsifIwouldn’ttellyousoyoucouldbetheretoseeme。Guessagain。\"
\"FinallycoppedapunchBobbiemeantforBillie。\"
\"Coldasastepmother’sbreast。\"
Heshruggedhisshoulders，bored。\"Haven’taclue。\"
TheyweresittingintheDomainonthegrass，justbelowtheGothicbulkofSaintMary’sCathedral。DanehadphonedtoletJustineknowhewascominginforaspecialceremonyinthecathedral，andcouldshemeethimforawhilefirstintheDom？Ofcourseshecould；shewasdyingtotellhimthelatestepisode。
AlmostfinishedhislastyearatRiverview，Danewascaptainoftheschool，captainofthecricketteam，theRugby，handballandtennisteams。Andduxofhisclassintothebargain。Atseventeenhewastwoinchesoversixfeet，hisvoicehadsettledintoitsfinalbaritone，andhehadmiraculouslyescapedsuchafflictionsaspimples，clumsinessandabobbingAdam’sapple。Becausehewassofairhewasn’treallyshavingyet，butineveryotherwayhelookedmorelikeayoungmanthanaschoolboy。OnlytheRiverviewuniformcategorizedhim。
Itwasawarm，sunnyday。Daneremovedhisstrawboaterschoolhatandstretchedoutonthegrass，Justinesittinghunchedbesidehim，herarmsaboutherkneestomakesureallexposedskinwasshaded。Heopenedonelazyblueeyeinherdirection。
\"Whatdidyoudolastnight，Jus？\"
\"Ilostmyvirginity。AtleastIthinkIdid。\"
Bothhiseyesopened。\"You’reaprawn。\"
\"Pooh！Hightime，Isay。HowcanIhopetobeagoodactressifIdon’thaveacluewhatgoesonbetweenmenandwomen？\"\"Yououghttosaveyourselfforthemanyoumarry。\"
Herfacetwistedinexasperation。\"Honestly，Dane，sometimesyou’resoarchaicI’membarrassed！SupposeIdon’tmeetthemanImarryuntilI’mforty？Whatdoyouexpectmetodo？Sitonitallthoseyears？Isthatwhatyou’regoingtodo，saveitformarriage？\"
\"Idon’tthinkI’mgoingtogetmarried。\"
\"Well，noram1。Inwhichcase，whytieablueribbonarounditandstickitinmynonexistenthopechest？Idon’twanttodiewondering。\"Hegrinned。\"Youcan’t，now。\"Rollingoverontohisstomach，heproppedhischinonhishandandlookedathersteadily，hisfacesoft，concerned。\"Wasitallright？Imean，wasitawful？Didyouhateit？\"Herlipstwitched，remembering。\"Ididn’thateit，atanyrate。Itwasn’tawful，either。Ontheotherhand，I’mafraidIdon’tseewhateveryoneravesabout。PleasantisasfarasI’mpreparedtogo。Anditisn’tasifIchosejustanyone；Iselectedsomeoneveryattractiveandoldenoughtoknowwhathewasdoing。\"
Hesighed。\"Youareaprawn，Justine。I’dhavebeenalothappiertohearyousay，\"He’snotmuchtolookat，butwemetandIcouldn’thelpmyself。\"Icanacceptthatyoudon’twanttowaituntilyou’remarried，butit’sstillsomethingyou’vegottowantbecauseoftheperson。Neverbecauseoftheact，Jus。I’mnotsurprisedyouweren’tecstatic。\"
Allthegleefultriumphfadedfromherface。\"Oh，damnyou，nowyou’vemademefeelawful！IfIdidn’tknowyoubetter，I’dsayyouweretryingtoputmedown-ormymotives，atanyrate。\"
\"Butyoudoknowmebetter，don’tyou？I’dneverputyoudown，butsometimesyourmotivesareplainthoughtlesslysilly。\"Headoptedatolling，monotonousvoice。\"Iamthevoiceofyourconscience，JustineO’neill。\"
\"Youare，too，youprawn。\"Shadeforgotten，shefloppedbackonthegrassbesidehimsohecouldn’tseeherface。\"Look，youknowwhy。Don’tyou？\"\"Oh，Jussy，\"hesaidsadly，butwhateverhewasgoingtoaddwaslost，forshespokeagain，alittlesavagely。
\"I’mnever，never，nevergoingtoloveanyone！Ifyoulovepeople，theykillyou。Ifyouneedpeople，theykillyou。Theydo，Itellyou！\"Italwayshurthim，thatshefeltleftoutoflove，andhurtmorethatheknewhimselfthecause。Iftherewasoneoverridingreasonwhyshewassoimportanttohim，itwasbecauseshelovedhimenoughtobearnogrudges，hadnevermadehimfeelamoment’slesseningofher’lovethroughjealousyorresentment。Tohim，itwasacruelfactthatshemovedonanoutercirclewhilehewastheveryhub。Hehadprayedandprayedthingswouldchange，buttheyneverdid。Whichhadn’tlessenedhisfaith，onlypointedouttohimwithfreshemphasisthatsomewhere，sometime，hewouldhavetopayfortheemotionsquanderedonhimatherexpense。Sheputagoodfaceonit，hadmanagedtoconvinceevenherselfthatshedidverywellonthatouterorbit，buthefeltherpain。Heknew。Therewassomuchworthlovinginher，solittleworthlovinginhimself。Withoutahopeofunderstandingdifferently，heassumedhehadthelion’sshareoflovebecauseofhisbeauty，hismoretractablenature，hisabilitytocommunicatewithhismotherandtheotherDroghedapeople。Andbecausehewasmale。Verylittleescapedhimbeyondwhathesimplycouldn’tknow，andhehadhadJustine’sconfidenceandcompanionshipinwaysnooneelseeverhad。MummatteredtoJustinefarmorethanshewouldadmit。
ButIwillatone，hethought。I’vehadeverything。SomehowI’vegottopayitback，makeituptoher。
Suddenlyhechancedtoseehiswatch，cametohisfeetbonelessly；hugethoughheadmittedhisdebttohissisterwas，toSomeoneelseheowedevenmore。
\"I’vegottogo，Jus。\"
\"YouandyourbloodyChurch！Whenareyougoingtogrowoutofit？\"\"Never，Ihope。\"
\"WhenwillIseeyou？\"
\"Well，sincetoday’sFriday，tomorrowofcourse，eleveno’clock，here。\"\"Okay。Beagoodboy。\"
Hewasalreadyseveralyardsaway，Riverviewboaterbackonhishead，butheturnedtosmileather。\"AmIeveranythingelse？\"Shegrinned。\"Blessyou，no。You’retoogoodtobetrue；I’mtheonealwaysintrouble。Seeyoutomorrow。\"
TherewerehugepaddedredleatherdoorsinsidethevestibuleofSaintMary’s；Danepokedoneopenandslippedinside。HehadleftJustinealittleearlierthanwasstrictlynecessary，buthealwayslikedtogetintoachurchbeforeitfilled，becameashiftingfocusofsighs，coughs，rustles，whispers。Whenhewasaloneitwassomuchbetter。Therewasasacristankindlingbranchesofcandlesonthehighaltar；adeacon，hejudgedunerringly。Headbowed，hegenuflectedandmadetheSignoftheCrossashepassedinfrontofthetabernacle，thenquietlyslidintoapew。Onhisknees，heputhisheadonhisfoldedhandsandlethismindfloatfreely。Hedidn’tconsciouslypray，butratherbecameanintrinsicpartoftheatmosphere，whichhefeltasdenseyetethereal，unspeakablyholy，brooding。Itwasasifhehadturnedintoaflameinoneofthelittleredglasssanctuarylamps，alwaysjustflutteringonthebrinkofextinction，sustainedbyasmallpuddleofsomevitalessence，radiatingaminutebutenduringglowoutintothefardarknesses。Stillness，formlessness，forgetfulnessofhishumanidentity；thesewerewhatDanegotfrombeinginachurch。Nowhereelsedidhefeelsoright，somuchatpeacewithhimself，soremovedfrompain。Hislasheslowered，hiseyesclosed。
Fromtheorgangallerycametheshufflingoffeet，apreparatorywheeze，abreathyexpulsionofairfrompipes。TheSaintMary’sCathedralBoys’Schoolchoirwascominginearlytosandwichalittlepracticebetweennowandthecomingritual。ItwasonlyaFridaymiddayBenediction，butoneofDane’sfriendsandteachersfromRiverviewwascelebratingit，andhehadwantedtocome。
Theorgangaveoffafewchords，quietenedintoaripplingaccompaniment，andintothedimstone-lacearchesoneunearthlyboy’svoicesoared，thinandhighandsweet，sofilledwithinnocentpuritythefewpeopleinthegreatemptychurchclosedtheireyes，mournedforthatwhichcouldnevercometothemagain。
Panisangelicus
Fitpanishominum，
Datpaniscoelicus
Figuristerminum，
Oresmirabilis，
ManducatDominus，
Pauper，pauper，
Servusethumilis……
Breadofangels，heavenlybread，Othingofwonder。OutofthedepthshaveIcrieduntoThee，OLord；Lord，hearmyvoice！LetThineearbeattunedtothesoundsofmysupplication。Turnnotaway，OLord，turnnotaway。ForThouartmySovereign，myMaster，myGod，andIamThyhumbleservant。InThineeyesonlyonethingcounts，goodness。ThoucarestnotifThyservantsbebeautifulorugly。ToTheeonlytheheartmatters；inTheeallishealed，inTheeIknowpeace。
Lord，itislonely。Iprayitbeoversoon，thepainoflife。TheydonotunderstandthatI，sogifted，findsomuchpaininliving。ButThoudost，andThycomfortisallwhichsustainsme。NomatterwhatThourequirestofme，OLord，shallbegiven，forIlove
Thee。AndifImightpresumetoaskanythingofThee，itisthatinTheeallelseshallbeforeverforgotten……
\"You’reveryquiet，Mum，\"saidDane。\"Thinkingofwhat？OfDrogheda？\"\"No，\"saidMeggiedrowsily。\"I’mthinkingthatI’mgettingold。Ifoundhalfadozengreyhairsthismorning，andmybonesache。\"
\"You’llneverbeold，Mum，\"hesaidcomfortably。\"Iwishthatweretrue，love，butunfortunatelyitisn’t。I’mbeginningtoneedtheborehead，whichisasuresignofoldage。\"
TheywerelyinginthewarmwintersunontowelsspreadovertheDroghedagrass，bytheborehead。Atthefarendofthegreatpoolboilingwaterthunderedandsplashed，thereekofsulphurdriftedandfloatedintonothing。Itwasoneofthegreatwinterpleasures，toswimintheborehead。Alltheachesandpainsofencroachingageweresoothedaway，Meggiethought，andturnedtolieonherback，herheadintheshadeofthelogonwhichsheandFatherRalphhadsatsolongago。Averylongtimeago；shewasunabletoconjureupevenafaintechoofwhatshemusthavefeltwhenRalphhadkissedher。
ThensheheardDanegetup，andopenedhereyes。Hehadalwaysbeenherbaby，herlovelylittleboy；thoughshehadwatchedhimchangeandgrowwithproprietarypride，shehaddonesowithanimageofthelaughingbabysuperimposedonhismaturingface。Ithadnotyetoccurredtoherthatactuallyhewasnolongerinanywayachild。
However，themomentofrealizationcametoMeggieatthatinstant，watchinghimstandoutlinedagainstthecrispskyinhisbriefcottonswimsuit。MyGod，it’sallover！Thebabyhood，theboyhood。He’saman。Pride，resentment，afemalemeltingatthequick，aterrificconsciousnessofsomeimpendingtragedy，anger，adoration，sadness；alltheseandmoreMeggiefelt，lookingupatherson。Itisaterriblethingtocreateaman，andmoreterribletocreateamanlikethis。Soamazinglymale，soamazinglybeautiful。
RalphdeBricassart，plusalittleofherself。Howcouldshenotbemovedatseeinginitsextremeyouththebodyofthemanwhohadjoinedinlovewithher？Sheclosedhereyes，embarrassed，hatinghavingtothinkofhersonasaman。Didhelookatherandseeawomanthesedays，orwasshestillthatwonderfulcipher，Mum？Goddamnhim，Goddamnhim！Howdaredhegrowup？\"Doyouknowanythingaboutwomen，Dane？\"sheaskedsuddenly，openinghereyesagain。
Hesmiled。\"Thebirdsandthebees，youmean？\"\"Thatyouknow，withJustineforasister。Whenshediscoveredwhatlaybetweenthecoversofphysiologytextbookssheblurteditallouttoeveryone。No，ImeanhaveyoueverputanyofJustine’sclinicaltreatisesintopractice？\"
Hisheadmovedinaquicknegativeshake，hesliddownontothegrassbesideherandlookedintoherface。\"Funnyyoushouldaskthat，Mum。I’vebeenwantingtotalktoyouaboutitforalongtime，butIdidn’tknowhowtostart。\"
\"You’reonlyeighteen，love。Isn’titabitsoontobethinkingofputtingtheoryintopractice？\"Onlyeightequalsteen。Only。Hewasaman，wasn’the？\"That’sit，whatIwantedtotalktoyouabout。Notputtingitintopracticeatall。\"
Howcoldthewindwas，blowingdownfromtheGreatDivide。Peculiar，shehadn’tnoticeduntilnow。Wherewasherrobe？\"Notputtingitintopracticeatall，\"shesaiddully，anditwasnotaquestion。\"That’sright。Idon’twantto，ever。NotthatIhaven’tthoughtaboutit，orwantedawifeandchildren。Ihave。ButIcan’t。Becausethereisn’tenoughroomtolovethemandGodaswell，notthewayIwanttoloveGod。I’veknownthatforalongtime。Idon’tseemtorememberatimewhenIdidn’t，andtheolderIbecomethegreatermyloveforGodgrows。It’sagreatmystery，lovingGod。\"
Meggielaylookingintothosecalm，distantblueeyes。Ralph’seyes，astheyusedtobe。ButablazewithsomethingquitealientoRalph’s。Hadhehadit，ateighteen？Hadhe？Wasitperhapssomethingonecouldonlyexperienceateighteen？BythetimesheenteredRalph’slife，hewastenyearsbeyondthat。Yethersonwasamystic，shehadalwaysknownit。Andshedidn’tthinkthatatanystageofhislifeRalphhadbeenmysticallyinclined。Sheswallowed，wrappedtherobecloseraboutherlonelybones。\"SoIaskedmyself，\"Danewenton，\"whatIcoulddotoshowHimhowmuchIlovedHim。Ifoughttheanswerforalongtime，Ididn’twanttoseeit。BecauseIwantedalifeasaman，too，verymuch。YetIknewwhattheofferinghadtobe，Iknew……There’sonlyonethingIcanofferHim，toshowHimnothingelsewilleverexistinmyheartbeforeHim。ImustofferupHisonlyrival；that’sthesacrificeHedemandsofme。IamHisservant，andHewillhavenorivals。Ihavehadtochoose。AllthingsHe’llletmehaveandenjoy，savethat。\"Hesighed，pluckedatabladeofDroghedagrass。\"ImustshowHimthatIunderstandwhyHegavemesomuchatmybirth。ImustshowHimthatIrealizehowunimportantmylifeasamanis。\"
\"Youcan’tdoit，Iwon’tletyou！\"Meggiecried，herhandreachingforhisarm，clutchingit。Howsmoothitfelt，thehintofgreatpowerundertheskin，justlikeRalph’s。JustlikeRalph’s！Nottohavesomeglossygirlputherhandthere，asaright？
\"I’mgoingtobeapriest，\"saidDane。\"I’mgoingtoenterHisservicecompletely，offereverythingIhaveandamtoHim，asHispriest。Poverty，charityandobedience。HedemandsnolessthanallfromHischosenservants。Itwon’tbeeasy，butI’mgoingtodoit。
Thelookinhereyes！Asifhehadkilledher，groundherintothedustbeneathhisfoot。Thatheshouldhavetosufferthishehadn’tknown，dreamingonlyofherprideinhim；herpleasureatgivinghersontoGod。Theysaidshe’dbethrilled，uplifted，completelyinaccord。Insteadshewasstaringathimasiftheprospectofhispriesthoodwasherdeathsentence。\"It’sallI’veeverwantedtobe，\"hesaidindespair，meetingthosedyingeyes。\"Oh，Mum，can’tyouunderstand？I’venever，neverwantedtobeanythingbutapriest！Ican’tbeanythingbutapriest！\"Herhandfellfromhisarm；heglanceddownandsawthewhitemarksofherfingers，thelittlearcsinhisskinwherehernailshadbittendeeply。Herheadwentup，shelaughedonandonandon，hugehystericalpealsofbitter，derisivelaughter。
\"Oh，it’stoogoodtobetrue！\"shegaspedwhenshecouldspeakagain，wipingthetearsfromthecornersofhereyeswithatremblinghand。\"Theincredibleirony！Ashesofroses，hesaidthatnightridingtotheborehead。AndIdidn’tunderstandwhathemeant。Ashesthouwert，untoashesreturn。TotheChurchthoubelongest，totheChurchthoushaltbegiven。Oh，it’sbeautiful，beautiful！GodrotGod，Isay！Godthesod！TheutmostEnemyofwomen，that’swhatGodis！Everythingweseektodo，Heseekstoundo！\"\"Oh，don’t！Oh，don’t！Mum，don’t！\"Heweptforher，forherpain，notunderstandingherpainorthewordsshewassaying。Histearsfell，twistedinhisheart；alreadythesacrificehadbegun，andinawayhehadn’tdreamed。Butthoughheweptforher，notevenforhercouldheputitaside，thesacrifice。Theofferingmustbemade，andtheharderitwastomake，themorevaluableitmustbeinHiseyes。
Shehadmadehimweep，andneverinallhislifeuntilnowhadshemadehimweep。Herownrageandgriefwereputawayresolutely。No，itwasn’tfairtovisitherselfuponhim。Whathewashisgeneshadmadehim。OrhisGod。OrRalph’sGod。Hewasthelightofherlife，herson。Heshouldnotbemadetosufferbecauseofher，ever。\"Dane，don’tcry，\"shewhispered，strokingtheangrymarksonhisarm。\"I’msorry，Ididn’tmeanit。Yougavemeashock，that’sall。OfcourseI’mgladforyou，trulyIam！Howcould1notbe？Iwasshocked；Ijustdidn’texpectit，that’sall。\"Shechuckled，alittleshakily。\"Youdidratherdropitonmelikearock。\"
Hiseyescleared，regardedherdoubtfully。Whyhadheimaginedhekilledher？ThosewereMum’seyesashehadalwaysknownthem；fulloflove，verymuchalive。Thestrongyoungarmsgatheredherclose，huggedher。\"You’resureyoudon’tmind？\"
\"Mind？AgoodCatholicmothermindhersonbecomingapriest？Impossible！\"Shejumpedtoherfeet。\"Brr！Howcoldit’sgot！Let’sbegettingback。\"Theyhadn’ttakenthehorses，butajeeplikeLandRover；Daneclimbedbehindthewheel，hismothersatbesidehim。
\"Doyouknowwhereyou’regoing？\"askedMeggie，drawinginasobbingbreath，pushingthetumbledhairoutofhereyes。\"SaintPatrick’sCollege，Isuppose。AtleastuntilIfindmyfeet。PerhapsthenI’llespouseanorder。I’dratherliketobeaJesuit，butI’mnotquitesureenoughofthattogostraightintotheSocietyofJesus。\"Meggiestaredatthetawnygrassbouncingupanddownthroughtheinsect-spatteredwindscreen。\"Ihaveamuchbetteridea，Dane。\"\"Oh？\"Hehadtoconcentrateondriving；thetrackdwindledabitandtherewerealwaysnewlogsacrossit。
\"IshallsendyoutoRome，toCardinaldeBricassart。Yourememberhim，don’tyou？\"
\"DoIrememberhim？Whataquestion，Mum！Idon’tthinkIcouldforgethiminamillionyears。He’smyexampleoftheperfectpriest。IfIcouldbethepriestheis，I’dbeveryhappy。\"
\"Perfectionisasperfectiondoes！\"saidMeggietartly。\"ButIshallgiveyouintohischarge，becauseIknowhe’lllookafteryouformysake。YoucanenteraseminaryinRome。\"
\"Doyoureallymeanit，Mum？Really？\"Anxietypushedthejoyoutofhisface。\"Isthereenoughmoney？ItwouldbemuchcheaperifIstayedinAustralia。\"
\"ThankstotheselfsameCardinaldeBricassart，mydear，you’llneverlackmoney。\"
Atthecookhousedoorshepushedhiminside。\"GoandtellthegirlsandMrs。Smith，\"shesaid。\"They’llbeabsolutelythrilled。\"
Oneaftertheothersheputherfeetdown，madethemploduptheramptothebighouse，tothedrawingroomwhereFeesat，miraculouslynotworkingbuttalkingtoAnneMuellerinstead，overanafternoonteatray。AsMeggiecameintheylookedup，sawfromherfacethatsomethingserioushadhappened。
ForeighteenyearstheMuellershadbeenvisitingDrogheda，expectingthatwashowitalwayswouldbe。ButLuddieMuellerhaddiedsuddenlytheprecedingautumn，andMeggiehadwrittenimmediatelytoAnnetoaskherifshewouldliketolivepermanentlyonDrogheda。Therewasplentyofroom，aguestcottageforprivacy；shecouldpayboardifshewastooproudnotto，thoughheavenknewtherewasenoughmoneytokeepathousandpermanenthouseguests。MeggiesawitasachancetoreciprocateforthoselonelyQueenslandyears，andAnnesawitassalvation。HimmelhochwithoutLuddiewashorriblylonely。Thoughshehadputonamanager，notsoldtheplace；whenshedieditwouldgotoJustine。
\"Whatisit，Men！\"Anneasked。
Meggiesatdown。\"IthinkI’vebeenstruckbyaretributoryboltoflightning。\"
\"What？\"
\"Youwereright，bothofyou。YousaidI’dlosehim。Ididn’tbelieveyou，IactuallythoughtIcouldbeatGod。ButtherewasneverawomanbornwhocouldbeatGod。He’saMan。\"
FeepouredMeggieacupoftea。\"Here，drinkthis，\"shesaid，asifteahadtherestorativepowersofbrandy。\"Howhaveyoulosthim？\"\"He’sgoingtobecomeapriest。\"Shebegantolaugh，weepingatthesametime。
Annepickeduphersticks，hobbledtoMeggie’schairandsatawkwardlyonitsarm，strokingthelovelyredgoldhair。\"Oh，mydear！Butitisn’tasbadasallthat。\"
\"DoyouknowaboutDane？\"FeeaskedAnne。
\"I’vealwaysknown，\"saidAnne。
Meggiesobered。\"Itisn’tasbadasallthat？It’sthebeginningoftheend，don’tyousee？Retribution。IstoleRalphfromGod，andI’mpayingwithmyson。Youtoldmeitwasstealing，Mum，don’tyouremember？Ididn’twanttobelieveyou，butyouwereright，asalways。\"
IshegoingtoSaintPat’s？\"Feeaskedpractically。Meggielaughedmorenormally。\"That’snosortofreparation，Mum。I’mgoingtosendhimtoRalph，ofcourse。HalfofhimisRalph；letRalphfinallyenjoyhim。\"Sheshrugged。\"He’smoreimportantthanRalph，and1knewhe’dwanttogotoRome。\"\"DidyouevertellRalphaboutDane？\"askedAnne；itwasn’tasubjecteverdiscussed。
\"No，andIneverwill。Never！\"
\"They’resoalikehemightguess。\"
\"Who，Ralph？He’llneverguess！ThatmuchI’mgoingtokeep。I’msendinghimmyson，butnomorethanthat。I’mnotsendinghimhisson。\"\"Bewareofthejealousyofthegods，Meggie，\"saidAnnesoftly。\"Theymightnothavedone，withyouyet。\"
\"Whatmorecantheydotome？\"mournedMeggie。WhenJustineheardthenewsshewasfurious，thoughforthelastthreeorfouryearsshehadhadasneakingsuspicionitwascoming。Firstofall，becauseJustinehadbeenatschoolinSydneywithhim，andashisconfidantehadlistenedtohimtalkofthethingshedidn’tmentiontohismother。JustineknewhowvitallyimportanthisreligionwastoDancaret。；notonlyGod，butthemysticalsignificanceofCatholicrituals。HadhebeenbornandbroughtupaProtestant，shethought，hewasthetypetohaveeventuallyturnedtoCatholicismtosatisfysomethinginhissoul。NotforDaneanaustere，CalvinisticGod。HisGodwaslimnedinstainedglass，wreathedinincense，wrappedinlaceandgoldembroidery，hymnedinmusicalcomplexity，andworshippedinlovelyLatincadences。
Too，itwasakindofironicperversitythatsomeonesowonderfullyendowedwithbeautyshoulddeemitacripplinghandicap，anddeploreitsexistence。ForDanedid。Heshrankfromanyreferencetohislooks；Justinefanciedhewouldfarratherhavebeenbornugly，totallyunprepossessing。Sheunderstoodinpartwhyhefeltso，andperhapsbecauseherowncareerlayinanotoriouslynarcissisticprofession，sheratherapprovedofhisattitudetowardhisappearance。Whatshecouldn’tbegintounderstandwaswhyhepositivelyloathedhislooks，insteadofsimplyignoringthem。Norwashehighlysexed，forwhatreasonshewasn’tsure:whetherhehadtaughthimselftosublimatehispassionsalmostperfectly，orwhetherinspiteofhisbodilyendowmentssomenecessarycerebralessencewasinshortsupply。Probably-theformer，sinceheplayedsomesortofvigoroussporteverydayofhislifetomakesurehewenttobedexhausted。Sheknewverywellthathisinclinationswere\"normal，\"thatis，heterosexual，andsheknewwhattypeofgirlappealedtohimtall，darkandvoluptuous。Buthejustwasn’tsensuallyaware；hedidn’tnoticethefeelofthingswhenheheldthem，ortheodorsintheairaroundhim，orunderstandthespecialsatisfactionofshapeandcolor。Beforeheexperiencedasexualpulltheprovocativeobject’simpacthadtobeirresistible，andonlyatsuchraremomentsdidheseemtorealizetherewasanearthlyplanemostmentrod，ofchoice，foraslongastheypossiblycould。
