Thereceiverclicked，begantheinterminableburrofthedialtone。Justinesatonthefloorandletitslipintoherlap。Therewasamistake，itwouldallsortitselfout。Danedrowned，whenheswamlikeachampion？No，itwasn’ttrue。Butitis，Justine，youknowitis，youdidn’tgowithhimtoprotecthimandhedrowned。Youwerehisprotectorfromthetimehewasababyandyoushouldhavebeenthere。Ifyoucouldn’tsavehim，youshouldhavebeentheretodrownwithhim。Andtheonlyreasonyoudidn’tgowithhimwasbecauseyouwantedtobeinLondonsoyoucouldgetRaintomakelovetoyou。
Thinkingwassohard。Everythingwassohard。Nothingseemedtowork，notevenherlegs。Shecouldn’tgetup，shewouldnevergetupagain。TherewasnoroominhermindforanyonebutDane，andherthoughtswentinever-diminishingcirclesaroundDane。Untilshethoughtofhermother，theDroghedapeople。Oh，God。Thenewswouldcomethere，cometoher，cometothem。Mumdidn’tevenhavethelovelylastsightofhisfaceinRome。They’llsendthecabletotheGillypolice，Isuppose，andoldSergeantErnwillclimbintohiscaranddriveoutallthemilestoDrogheda，totellmymotherthatheronlysonisdead。Nottherightmanforthejob，andanalmost-stranger。Mrs。O’neill，mydeepest，mostheartfeltregrets，yoursonisdead。Perfunctory，courteous，emptywords……No！Ican’tletthemdothattoher，nottoher，sheismymother，too！Notthatway，notthewayIhadtohearit。
Shepulledtheotherpartofthephoneoffthetableontoherlap，putthereceivertoherearanddialedtheoperator。
\"Switch？Trunks，please，international。Hello？IwanttoplaceanurgentcalltoAustralia，Gillanboneone-two-one-two。Andplease，pleasehurry。\"
Meggieansweredthephoneherself。Itwaslate，Feehadgonetobed。Thesedayssheneverfeltlikeseekingherownbedearly，shepreferredtositlisteningtothecricketsandfrogs，dozeoverabook，remember。
\"Hello？\"
\"Londoncalling，Mrs。O’neill，\"saidHazelinGilly。\"Hello，Justine，\"Meggiesaid，notperturbed。Jussycalled，infrequently，toseehoweverythingwas。
\"Mum？Isthatyou，Mum？\"
\"Yes，it’sMumhere，\"saidMeggiegently，sensingJustine’sdistress。\"Oh，Mum！Oh，Mum！\"Therewaswhatsoundedlikeagasp，orasob。\"Mum，Dane’sdead。Dane’sdead！\"
Apitopenedatherfeet。Downanddownanddownitwent，andhadnobottom。Meggieslidintoit，feltitslipscloseoverherhead，andunderstoodthatshewouldnevercomeoutagainaslongasshelived。Whatmorecouldthegodsdo？Shehadn’tknownwhensheaskedit。Howcouldshehaveaskedit，howcouldshenothaveknown？Don’ttemptthegods，theyloveit。Innotgoingtoseehiminthismostbeautifulmomentofhislife，shareitwithhim，shehadfinallythoughttomakethepayment。Danewouldbefreeofit，andfreeofher。Innotseeingthefacewhichwasdearertoherthanallotherfaces，shewouldrepay。Thepitclosedin，suffocating。Meggiestoodthere，andrealizeditwastoolate。
\"Justine，mydearest，becalm，\"saidMeggiestrongly，notafalterinhervoice。\"Calmyourselfandtellme。Areyousure？\"\"AustraliaHousecalledme-theythoughtIwashisnextofkin。SomedreadfulmanwhoonlywantedtoknowwhatIwanteddonewiththebody。\"Thebody，\"hekeptcallingDane。Asifhewasn’tentitledtoitanymore，asifitwasanyone’s。\"Meggieheardhersob。\"God！Isupposethepoormanhatedwhathewasdoing。Oh，Mum，Dane’sdead！\"
\"How，Justine？Where？InRome？Whyhasn’tRalphcalledme？\"
\"No，notinRome。TheCardinalprobablydoesn’tknowanythingaboutit。InCrete。Themansaidhewasdrowned，asearescue。Hewasonholiday，Mum，heaskedmetogowithhimandIdidn’t，IwantedtoplayDesdemona，IwantedtobewithRain。IfI’donlybeenwithhim！IfIhad，itmightn’thavehappened。Oh，God，whatcanIdo？\"
\"Stopit，Justine，\"saidMeggiesternly。\"Nothinkinglikethat，doyouhearme？Danewouldhateit，youknowhewould。Thingshappen，whywedon’tknow。Theimportantthingnowisthatyou’reallright，Ihaven’tlostbothofyou。You’reallI’vegotleftnow。Oh，Jussy，Jussy，it’ssofaraway！Theworld’sbig，toobig。ComehometoDrogheda！Ihatetothinkofyouallalone。\"
\"No，I’vegottowork。Workistheonlyanswerforme。IfIdon’twork，I’llgomad。Idon’twantpeople，Idon’twantcomfort。Oh，Mum！\"Shebegantosobbitterly。\"Howarewegoingtolivewithouthim？\"Howindeed？Wasthatliving？God’sthouwert，untoGodreturn。Dusttodust。Living’sforthoseofuswhofailed。GreedyGod，gatheringinthegoodones，leavingtheworldtotherestofus，torot。\"Itisn’tforanyofustosayhowlongwe’lllive，\"saidMeggie。\"Jussy，thankyousomuchfortellingmeyourself，forphoning。\"
\"Icouldn’tbeartothinkofastrangerbreakingthenews，Mum。Notlikethat，fromastranger。Whatwillyoudo？Whatcanyoudo？\"WithallherwillMeggietriedtopourwarmthandcomfortacrossthemilestoherdevastatedgirlinLondon。Hersonwasdead，herdaughterstilllived。Shemustbemadewhole。Ifitwaspossible。InallherlifeJustineseemedonlytohavelovedDane。Nooneelse，evenherself。\"DearJustine，don’tcry。Trynottogrieve。Hewouldn’thavewantedthat，nowwouldhe？Comehome，andforget。We’llbringDanehometoDrogheda，too。
Atlawhe’smineagain，hedoesn’tbelongtotheChurchandtheycan’tstopme。I’llphoneAustraliaHouserightaway，andtheembassyinAthensifIcangetthrough。Hemustcomehome！I’dhatetothinkofhimlyingsomewherefarfromDrogheda。Hereiswherehebelongs，he’llhavetocomehome。Comewithhim，Justine。\"
ButJustinesatinaheap，shakingherheadasifhermothercouldsee。Comehome？Shecouldnevercomehomeagain。IfshehadgonewithDanehewouldn’tbedead。Comehome，andhavetolookathermother’sfaceeverydayfortherestofherlife？No，itdidn’tbearthinkingof。\"No，Mum，\"shesaid，thetearsrollingdownherskin，hotlikemoltenmetal。Whooneartheversaidpeoplemostmoveddon’tweep？Theydon’tknowanythingaboutit。\"Ishallstayhereandwork。I’llcomehomewithDane，butthenI’mgoingback。Ican’tliveonDrogheda。\"
Forthreedaystheywaitedinapurposelessvacuum，JustineinLondon，MeggieandthefamilyonDrogheda，stretchingtheofficialsilenceintotenuoushope。Oh，surelyaftersolongitwouldturnouttobeamistake，surelyifitwastruetheywouldhaveheardbynow！Danewouldcome-inJustine’sfrontdoorsmiling，andsayitwasallasillymistake。Greecewasinrevolt，allsortsofsillymistakesmusthavebeenmade。Danewouldcomeinthedoorandlaughtheideaofhisdeathtoscorn，he’dstandtheretallandstrongandalive，andhe’dlaugh。Hopebegantogrow，andgrewwitheveryminutetheywaited。Treacherous，horriblehope。Hewasn’tdead，no！Notdrowned，notDanewhowasagoodenoughswimmertobraveanykindofseaandlive。Sotheywaited，notacknowledgingwhathadhappenedinthehopeitwouldprovetobeamistake。Timelatertonotifypeople，letRomeknow。OnthefourthmorningJustinegotthemessage。Likeanoldwomanshepickedupthereceiveroncemore，andaskedforAustralia。\"Mum？\"
\"Justine？\"
\"Oh，Mum，they’veburiedhimalready；wecan’tbringhimhome！Whatarewegoingtodo？AlltheycansayisthatCreteisabigplace，thenameofthevillageisn’tknown，bythetimethecablearrivedhe’dalreadybeenspiritedawaysomewhereanddisposedof。He’slyinginanunmarkedgravesomewhere！Ican’tgetavisaforGreece，noonewantstohelp，it’schaos。Whatarewegoingtodo，Mum？\"
\"MeetmeinRome，Justine，\"saidMeggie。
EveryonesaveAnneMuellerwastherearoundthephone，stillinshock。Themenseemedtohaveagedtwentyyearsinthreedays，andFee，shrunkenbirdlike，whiteandcrabbed，driftedaboutthehousesayingoverandover，\"Whycouldn’tithavebeenme？Whydidtheyhavetotakehim？I’msoold，soold！Iwouldn’thavemindedgoing，whydidithavetobehim？Whycouldn’tithavebeenme？I’msoold！\"Annehadcollapsed，andMrs。Smith，MinnieandCatwalked，slepttears。
Meggiestaredatthemsilentlyassheputthephonedown。ThiswasDrogheda，allthatwasleft。Alittleclusterofoldmenandoldwomen，sterileandbroken。
\"Dane’slost，\"shesaid。\"Noonecanfindhim；he’sbeenburiedsomewhereonCrete。It’ssofaraway！HowcouldherestsofarfromDrogheda？I’mgoingtoRome，toRalphdeBricassart。Ifanyonecanhelpus，hecan。\"
CardinaldeBricassart’ssecretaryenteredhisroom。\"YourEminence，I’msorrytodisturbyou，butaladywishestoseeyou。Iexplainedthatthereisacongress，thatyouareverybusyandcannotseeanyone，butshesaysshewillsitinthevestibuleuntilyouhavetimeforher。\"
\"Issheintrouble，Father？\"
\"Greattrouble，YourEminence，thatmuchiseasytosee。ShesaidIwastotellyouhernameisMeggieO’neill。\"Hegaveitaliltingforeignpronunciation，sothatitcameoutsoundinglikeMegheeOnill。\"CardinalRalphcametohisfeet，thecolordrainingfromhisfacetoleaveitaswhiteashishair。
\"YourEminence！Areyouill？\"
\"No，Father，I’mperfectlyallright，thankyou。CancelmyappointmentsuntilInotifyyouotherwise，andbringMrs。O’neilltomeatonce。WearenottobedisturbedunlessitistheHolyFather。\"
Thepriestbowed，departed。O’neill。Ofcourse！ItwasyoungDane’sname，heshouldhaveremembered。SavethatintheCardinal’spalaceeveryonejustsaidDane。Ah，hehadmadeagravemistake，keepingherwaiting。IfDanewasHisEminence’sdearlylovednephewthenMrs。O’neillwashisdearlylovedsister。
WhenMeggiecameintotheroomCardinalRalphhardlyknewher。Itwasthirteenyearssincehehadlastseenher；shewasfifty-threeandhewasseventy-one。Bothofthemagednow，insteadofonlyhim。Herfacehadn’tchangedsomuchassettled，andintoamoldunliketheonehehadgivenherinhisimagination。Substituteatrenchantincisivenessforsweetness，atouchofironforsoftness；sheresembledavigorous，aging，willfulmartyrratherthantheresigned，contemplativesaintofhisdreams。Herbeautywasasstrikingasever，hereyesstillthatclearsilverygrey，butbothhadhardened，andtheoncevividhairhadfadedtoadrabbeige，likeDane’swithoutthelife。Mostdisconcertingofall，shewouldn’tlookathimforlongenoughtosatisfyhiseagerandlovingcuriosity。UnabletogreetthisMeggienaturally，hestifflyindicatedachair。\"Pleasesitdown。\"
\"Thankyou，\"shesaid，equallystilted。
Itwasonlywhenshewasseatedandhecouldgazedownuponherwholepersonthathenoticedhowvisiblyswollenherfeetandankleswere。
\"Meggie！HaveyouflownallthewaythroughfromAustraliawithoutbreakingyourjourney？What’sthematter？\"
\"Yes，Ididflystraightthrough，\"shesaid。\"Forthepasttwenty-ninehoursI’vebeensittinginplanesbetweenGillyandRome，withnothingtodoexceptstareoutthewindowattheclouds，andthink。\"Hervoicewasharsh，cold。
\"What’sthematter？\"herepeatedimpatiently，anxiousandfearful。Sheliftedhergazefromherfeetandlookedathimsteadily。Therewassomethingawfulinhereyes；somethingsodarkandchillingthattheskinonthebackofhisneckcrawledandautomaticallyheputhishanduptostrokeit。
\"Daneisdead，\"saidMeggie。
Hishandslipped，floppedlikearagdoll’sintohisscarletlapashesankintoachair。\"Dead？\"heaskedslowly。\"Danedead？\"\"Yes。HewasdrownedsixdaysagoinCrete，rescuingsomewomenfromthesea。\"
Heleanedforward，puthishandsoverhisface。\"Dead？\"sheheardhimsayindistinctly。\"Danedead？Mybeautifulboy！Hecan’tbedead！Dane-hewastheperfectpriest-allthatIcouldn’tbe。WhatIlackedhehad。\"Hisvoicebroke。\"Healwayshadit-thatwaswhatweallrecognized-allofuswhoaren’tperfectpriests。Dead？Oh，dearLord！\"
\"Don’tbotheraboutyourdearLord，Ralph，\"saidthestrangersittingoppositehim。\"Youhavemoreimportantthingstodo。Icametoaskforyourhelp-nottowitnessyourgrief。I’vehadallthosehoursintheairtogooverthewayI’dtellyouthis，allthosehoursjuststaringoutthewindowatthecloudsknowingDaneisdead。Afterthat，yourgriefhasnopowertomoveme。\"
Yetwhenheliftedhisfacefromhishandsherdeadcoldheartbounded，twisted，leaped。ItwasDane’sface，withasufferingwrittenuponitthatDanewouldneverlivetofeel。Oh，thankGod！ThankGodhe’sdead，cannevernowgothroughwhatthismanhas，whatIhave。Betterhe’sdeadthantosuffersomethinglikethis。
\"HowcanIhelp，Meggie？\"heaskedquietly，suppressinghisownemotionstodonthesoul-deepguiseofherspiritualcounselor。\"Greeceisinchaos。They’veburiedDanesomewhereonCrete，andIcan’tfindoutwhere，when，why。ExceptIsupposethatmyinstructionsdirectingthathebeflownhomewereendlesslydelayedbythecivilwar，andCreteishotlikeAustralia。Whennooneclaimedhim，Isupposetheythoughthehadnoone，andburiedhim。\"Sheleanedforwardinherchairtensely。\"Iwantmyboyback，Ralph，Iwanthimfoundandbroughthometosleepwherehebelongs，onDrogheda。IpromisedJimsI’dkeephimonDroghedaandIwill，ifIhavetocrawlonmyhandsandkneesthrougheverygraveyardonCrete。NofancyRomanpriest’stombforhim，Ralph，notaslongasI’malivetoputupalegalbattle。He’stocomehome。\"
\"Nooneisgoingtodenyyouthat，Meggie，\"hesaidgently。\"It’sconsecratedCatholicground，whichisalltheChurchasks。ItoohaverequestedthatIbeburiedonDrogheda。\"
\"Ican’tgetthroughalltheredtape，\"shewenton，asifhehadn’tspoken。\"Ican’tspeakGreek，andIhavenopowerorinfluence。SoIcametoyou，touseyours。Getmebackmyson，Ralph！\"
\"Don’tworry，Meggie，we’llgethimback，thoughitmaynotbeveryquickly。The-Leftareinchargenow，andthey’reveryanti-Catholic。However，I’mnotwithoutfriendsinGreece，soitwillbedone。Letmestartthewheelsinmotionimmediately，anddon’tworry。HeisapriestoftheHolyCatholicChurch，we’llgethimback。\"
Hishandhadgonetothebellcord，butMeggie’scoldlyfiercegazestilledit。
\"Youdon’tunderstand，Ralph。Idon’twantwheelssetinmotion。Iwantmysonback-notnextweekornextmonth，butnow！YouspeakGreek，youcangetvisasforyourselfandme，you’llgetresults。IwantyoutocometoGreecewithmenow，andhelpmegetmysonback。\"
Therewasmuchinhiseyes:tenderness，compassion，shock，grief。Buttheyhadbecomethepriest’seyestoo，sane，logical，reasonable。\"Meggie，Iloveyoursonasifheweremyown，butIcan’tleaveRomeatthemoment。I’mnotafreeagent-youaboveallothersshouldknowthat。NomatterhowmuchImayfeelforyou，howmuchImayfeelonmyownaccount，Ican’tleaveRomeinthemidstofavitalcongress。IamtheHolyFather’saide。\"
Sherearedback，stunnedandoutraged，thenshookherhead，half-smilingasifattheanticsofsomeinanimateobjectbeyondherpowertoinfluence；thenshetrembled，lickedherlips，seemedtocometoadecisionandsatupstraightandstiff。\"Doyoureallylovemysonasifhewereyourown，Ralph？\"sheasked。\"Whatwouldyoudoforasonofyours？Couldyousitbackthenandsaytohismother，No，I’mverysorry，Ican’tpossiblytakethetimeoff？Couldyousaythattothemotherofyourson？\"Dane’seyes，yetnotDane’seyes。Lookingather；bewildered，fullofpain，helpless。
\"Ihavenoson，\"hesaid，\"butamongthemany，manythingsIlearnedfromyourswasthatnomatterhowharditis，myfirstandonlyallegianceistoAlmightyGod。\"
\"Danewasyoursontoo，\"saidMeggie。
Hestaredatherblankly。\"What？\"
\"Isaid，Danewasyoursontoo。WhenIleftMatlockIslandIwaspregnant。Danewasyours，notLukeO’neill’s。\"
\"It-isn’t-true！\"
\"Ineverintendedyoutoknow，evennow，\"shesaid。\"WouldIlietoyou？\"\"TogetDaneback？Yes，\"hesaidfaintly。
Shegotup，cametostandoverhimintheredbrocadechair，tookhisthin，parchment-likehandinhers，bentandkissedthering，thebreathofhervoicemistingitsrubytomilkydullness。\"Byallthatyouholdholy，Ralph，IswearthatDanewasyourson。HewasnotandcouldnothavebeenLuke’s。ByhisdeathIswearit。\"
Therewasawail，thesoundofasoulpassingbetweentheportalsofHell。RalphdeBricassartfellforwardoutofthechairandwept，huddledonthecrimsoncarpetinascarletpoollikenewblood，hisfacehiddeninhisfoldedarms，hishandsclutchingathishair。
\"Yes，cry！\"saidMeggie。\"Cry，nowthatyouknow！It’srightthatoneofhisparentsbeabletoshedtearsforhim。Cry，Ralph！Fortwenty-sixyearsIhadyoursonandyoudidn’tevenknowit，youcouldn’tevenseeit。Couldn’tseethathewasyoualloveragain！Whenmymothertookhimfrommeatbirthsheknew，butyouneverdid。Yourhands，your。feet，yourface，youreyes，yourbody。Onlythecolorofhishairwashisown；alltherestwasyou。Doyouunderstandnow？WhenIsenthimheretoyou，Isaiditinmyletter。\"WhatIstole，Igiveback。\"Remember？Onlywebothstole，Ralph。WestolewhatyouhadvowedtoGod，andwe’vebothhadtopay。\"
Shesatinherchair，implacableandunpitying，andwatchedthescarletforminitsagonyonthefloor。\"Ilovedyou，Ralph，butyouwerenevermine。WhatIhadofyou，Iwasdriventosteal。Danewasmypart，allIcouldgetfromyou。Ivowedyou’dneverknow，Ivowedyou’dneverhavethechancetotakehimawayfromme。Andthenhegavehimselftoyou，ofhisownfreewill。Theimageoftheperfectpriest，hecalledyou。WhatalaughIhadoverthatone！ButnotforanythingwouldIhavegivenyouaweaponlikeknowinghewasyours。Exceptforthis。Exceptforthis！FornothinglesswouldIhavetoldyou。ThoughIdon’tsupposeitmattersnow。Hedoesn’tbelongtoeitherofusanymore。HebelongstoGod。\"
CardinaldeBricassartcharteredaprivateplaneinAthens；he，MeggieandJustinebroughtDanehometoDrogheda，thelivingsittingsilently，thedeadlyingsilentlyonabier，requiringnothingofthisearthanymore。IhavetosaythisMass，thisRequiemformyson。Boneofmybone，myson。Yes，Meggie，Ibelieveyou。OnceIhadmybreathbackIwouldevenhavebelievedyouwithoutthatterribleoathyouswore。Vittorioknewtheminuteheseteyesontheboy，andinmyheartI，too，musthaveknown。Yourlaughbehindtherosesfromtheboy-butmyeyeslookingupatme，astheyusedtobeinmyinnocence。Feeknew。AnneMuellerknew。Butnotwemen。Weweren’tfittobetold。Forsoyouwomenthink，andhugyourmysteries，gettingyourbacksonusfortheslightGoddidyouinnotcreatingyouinHisImage。Vittorioknew，butitwasthewomaninhimstilledhistongue。Amasterlyrevenge。
Sayit，RalphdeBricassart，openyourmouth，moveyourhandsintheblessing，begintochanttheLatinforthesoulofthedeparted。Whowasyourson。Whomyoulovedmorethanyoulovedhismother。Yes，more！Forhewasyourselfalloveragain，inamoreperfectmold。\"InNominePatris，etFilii，etSpiritusSancti……\"
Thechapelwaspacked；theywerealltherewhocouldbethere。TheKings，theO’Rourkes，theDavieses，thePughs，theMacQueens，theGordons，theCar-michaels，theHopetons。AndtheClearys，theDroghedapeople。Hopeblighted，lightgone。Atthefrontinagreatlead-linedcasket，FatherDaneO’neill，coveredinroses。WhyweretherosesalwaysoutwhenhecamebacktoDrogheda？ItwasOctober，highspring。Ofcoursetheywereout。Thetimewasright。\"Sanctus……Sanctus……Sanctus……\"
BewarnedthattheHolyofHoliesisuponyou。MyDane，mybeautifulson。Itisbetterso。Iwouldn’thavewantedyoutocometothis，whatIalreadyam。WhyIsaythisforyou，Idon’tknow。Youdon’tneedit，youneverneededit。WhatIgropefor，youknewbyinstinct。Itisn’tyouwhoisunhappy，it’sthoseofushere，leftbehind。Pityus，andwhenourtimescome，helpus。\"Missaest……Requiescatinpace……\"
Outacrossthelawn，downpasttheghostgums，theroses，thepeppertrees，tothecemetery。Sleepon，Dane，becauseonlythegooddieyoung。Whydowemourn？You’relucky，tohaveescapedthiswearylifesosoon。Perhapsthat’swhatHellis，alongterminearth-boundbondage。Perhapswesufferourhellsinliving……
Thedaypassed，themournersdeparted，theDroghedapeoplecreptaboutthehouseandavoidedeachother；CardinalRalphlookedearlyatMeggie，andcouldnotbeartolookagain。JustineleftwithJeanandBoyKingtocatchtheafternoonplaneforSydney，thenightplaneforLondon。Heneverrememberedhearingherhuskybewitchingvoice，orseeingthoseoddpaleeyes。FromthetimewhenshehadmethimandMeggieinAthenstothetimewhenshewentwithJeanandBoyKingshehadbeenlikeaghost，hercamouflagepulledcloselyaroundher。Whyhadn’tshecalledRainerHartheim，askedhimtobewithher？Surelysheknewhowmuchhelovedher，howmuchhewouldwanttobewithhernow？ButthethoughtneverstayedlongenoughinCardinalRalph’stiredmindtocallRainerhimself，thoughhehadwonderedaboutitoffandonsincebeforeleavingRome。Theywerestrange，theDroghedapeople。Theydidn’tlikecompanyingrief；theypreferredtobealonewiththeirpain。
OnlyFeeandMeggiesatwithCardinalRalphinthedrawingroomafteradinnerleftuneaten。Noonesaidaword；theormoluclockonthemarblemanteltickedthunderously，andMaryCarson’spaintedeyesstaredamutechallengeacrosstheroomtoFee’sgrandmother。FeeandMeggiesattogetheronacreamsofa，shoulderslightlytouching；CardinalRalphneverrememberedtheirbeingsocloseintheolddays。Buttheysaidnothing，didnotlookateachotherorathim。
Hetriedtoseewhatitwashehaddonewrong。Toomuchwrong，thatwasthetrouble。Pride，ambition，acertainunscrupulousness。AndloveforMeggiefloweringamongthem。Butthecrowninggloryofthatlovehehadneverknown。Whatdifferencewouldithavemadetoknowhissonwashisson？Wasitpossibletolovetheboymorethanhehad？Wouldhehavepursuedadifferentpathifhehadknownabouthisson？Yes！criedhisheart。No，sneeredhisbrain。
Heturnedonhimselfbitterly。Fool！YououghttohaveknownMeggiewasincapableofgoingbacktoLuke。YououghttohaveknownatoncewhosechildDanewas。Shewassoproudofhim！Allshecouldgetfromyou，thatwaswhatshesaidtoyouinRome。Well，Meggie……Inhimyougotthebestofit。DearGod，Ralph，howcouldyounothaveknownhewasyours？Yououghttohaverealizeditwhenhecametoyouamangrown，ifnotbefore。Shewaswaitingforyoutoseeit，dyingforyoutoseeit；ifonlyyouhad，shewouldhavegoneonherkneestoyou。Butyouwereblind。Youdidn’twanttosee。RalphRaoul，CardinaldeBricassart，thatwaswhatyouwanted；morethanher，morethanyourson。Morethanyourson！
Theroomhadbecomefilledwithtinycries，rustles，whispers；theclockwastickingintimewithhisheart。Andthenitwasn’tintimeanymore。Hehadgotoutofstepwithit。MeggieandFeewereswimmingtotheirfeet，driftingwithfrightenedfacesinawateryinsubstantialmist，sayingthingstohimhecouldn’tseemtohear。\"Aaaaaaah！\"hecried，understanding。
Hewashardlyconsciousofthepain，intentonlyonMeggie’sarmsaroundhim，thewayhisheadsankagainsther。Buthemanagedtoturnuntilhecouldseehereyes，andlookedather。Hetriedtosay，Forgiveme，andsawshehadforgivenhimlongago。Sheknewshehadgotthebestofit。Thenhewantedtosaysomethingsoperfectshewouldbeeternallyconsoled，andrealizedthatwasn’tnecessary，either。Whatevershewas，shecouldbearanything。Anything！Soheclosedhiseyesandlethimselffeel，thatlasttime，forgetfulnessinMeggie。
SEVEN
1965-1969Justine
SittingathisBonndeskwithanearly-morningcupofcoffee，RainerlearnedofCardinaldeBricassart’sdeathfromhisnewspaper。Thepoliticalstormofthepastfewweekswasdiminishingatlast，sohehadsettledtoenjoyhisreadingwiththeprospectofsoonseeingJustinetocolorhismood，andunperturbedbyherrecentsilence。Thathedeemedtypical；shewasfarfromreadyyettoadmittheextentofhercommitmenttohim。ButthenewsoftheCardinal’sdeathdroveallthoughtofJustineaway。TenminuteslaterhewasbehindthewheelofaMercedes280SL，headingfortheautobahn。ThepooroldmanVittoriowouldbesoalone，andhisburdenwasheavyatthebestoftimes。Quickertodrive；bythetimehefiddledaroundwaitingforaflight，gottoandfromairports，hecouldbeattheVatican。Anditwassomethingpositivetodo，somethinghecouldcontrolhimself，alwaysanimportantconsiderationtoamanlikehim。FromCardinalVittoriohelearnedthewholestory，tooshockedatfirsttowonderwhyJustinehadn’tthoughttocontacthim。\"Hecametomeandaskedme，didIknowDanewashisson？\"thegentlevoicesaid，whilethegentlehandssmoothedtheblue-greybackofNatasha。
\"Andyousaid？\"
\"IsaidIhadguessed。Icouldnottellhimmore。Butoh，hisface！Hisface！Iwept。\"
\"Itkilledhim，ofcourse。ThelasttimeIsawhimIthoughthewasn’twell，buthelaughedatmysuggestionthatheseeadoctor。\"
\"ItisasGodwills。IthinkRalphdeBricassartwasoneofthemosttormentedmenIhaveeverknown。Indeathhewillfindthepeacehecouldnotfindhereinthislife。\"
\"Theboy，Vittorio！Atragedy。\"
\"Doyouthinkso？Ilikerathertothinkofitasbeautiful。IcannotbelieveDanefounddeathanythingbutwelcome，anditisnotsurprisingthatOurDearLordcouldnotwaitamomentlongertogatherDaneuntoHimself。Imourn，yes，notfortheboy。Forhismother，whomustsuffersomuch！Andforhissister，hisuncles，hisgrandmother。No，Idonotmournforhim。FatherO’neilllivedinalmosttotalpurityofmindandspirit。Whatcoulddeathbeforhimbuttheentranceintoeverlastinglife？Fortherestofus，thepassageisnotsoeasy。\"
FromhishotelRainerdispatchedacabletoLondonwhichhecouldn’tallowtoconveyhisanger，hurtordisappointment。Itmerelysaid:MUSTRETURNBONNBUTWILLBEINLONDONWEEKENDSTOPWHYDIDN’TYOUTELLMEQUERYALLMYLOVERAIN
OnhisdeskintheofficeatBonnwereanexpressdeliveryletterfromJustine，andaregisteredpacketwhichhissecretaryinformedhimhadcomefromCardinaldeBricassart’slawyersinRome。Heopenedthisfirst，tolearnthatunderthetermsofRalphdeBricassart’swillhewastoaddanothercompanytohisalreadyformidablelistofdirectorships。MicharLimited。AndDrogheda。Exasperatedyetcuriouslytouched，heunderstoodthatthiswastheCardinal’swayoftellinghimthatinthefinalweighinghehadnotbeenfoundwanting，thattheprayersduringthewaryearshadbornefruit。IntoRainer’shandshehaddeliveredthefuturewelfareofMeggieO’neillandherpeople。OrsoRainerinterpretedit，forthewordingoftheCardinal’swillwasquiteimpersonal。Itcouldnotdarebeotherwise。Hethrewthepacketintothebasketforgeneralnonsecretcorrespondence，immediatereply，andopenedtheletterfromJustine。Itbeganbadly，withoutanykindofsalutation。
Thankyouforthecable。You’venoideahowgladIamthatwehaven’tbeenintouchtheselastcoupleofweeks，becauseIwouldhavehatedtohaveyouaround。AtthetimeallIcouldthinkwhenIthoughtofyouwas，thankGodyoudidn’tknow。Youmayfindthishardtounderstand，butIdon’twantyouanywherenearme。Thereisnothingprettyaboutgrief，Rain，noranywayyourwitnessingminecouldalleviateit。Indeed，youmightsaythishasprovedtomehowlittleIloveyou。IfIdidtrulyloveyouI’dturntoyouinstinctively，wouldn’tI？ButIfindmyselfturningaway。ThereforeIwouldmuchratherthatwecallitquitsforgoodandall，Rain。Ihavenothingtogiveyou，andIwantnothingfromyou。Thishastaughtmehowmuchpeoplemeanifthey’rearoundfortwenty-sixyears。Icouldn’tbearevertogothroughthisagain，andyousaidityourself，remember？Marriageornothing。Well，Ielectnothing。
MymothertellsmetheoldCardinaldiedafewhoursafterIleftDrogheda。Funny。Mumwasquitecutupabouthisdying。Notthatshesaidanything，butIknowher。BeatsmewhysheandDaneandyoulikedhimsomuch。Inevercould，Ithoughthewastoosmarmyforwords。AnopinionI’mnotpreparedtochangejustbecausehe’sdead。
Andthat’sit。Allthereis。IdomeanwhatIsay，Rain。NothingiswhatIelecttohavefromyou。Lookafteryourself。
Shehadsigneditwiththeusualbold，black\"Justine，\"anditwaswrittenwiththenewfelt-tippedpenshehadhailedsogleefullywhenhegaveittoher，asaninstrumentthickanddarkandpositiveenoughtosatisfyher。Hedidn’tfoldthenoteandputitinhiswallet，orburnit；hedidwhathedidwithallmailnotrequiringananswer-ranitthroughtheelectricshredderfixedtohiswastebaskettheminutehehadfinishedreadingit。ThinkingtohimselfthatDane’sdeathhadeffectivelyputanendtoJustine’semotionalawakening，andbitterlyunhappy。Itwasn’tfair。Hehadwaitedsolong。
AttheweekendheflewtoLondonanywaybutnottoseeher，thoughhedidseeher。Onthestage，astheMoor’sbelovedwife，Desdemona。Formidable。Therewasnothinghecoulddoforherthestagecouldn’t，notforawhile。That’smygoodgirl！Pouritalloutonthestage。
Onlyshecouldn’tpouritalloutonthestage，forshewastooyoungtoplayHecuba。Thestagewassimplytheoneplaceofferingpeaceandforgetfulness。Shecouldonlytellherself:Timehealsallwoundswhilenotbelievingit。Askingherselfwhyitshouldgoonhurtingso。WhenDanewasaliveshehadn’treallythoughtverymuchabouthimexceptwhenshewaswithhim，andaftertheyweregrownuptheirtimetogetherhadbeenlimited，theirvocationsalmostopposed。Buthisgoinghadcreatedagapsohugeshedespairedofeverfillingit。
Theshockofhavingtopullherselfupinthemidstofaspontaneousreaction-ImustremembertotellDaneaboutthis，he’llgetsuchakickoutofit-thatwaswhathurtthemost。Andbecauseitkeptonoccurringsooften，itprolongedthegrief。Hadthecircumstancessurroundinghisdeathbeenlesshorrifyingshemighthaverecoveredmorequickly，butthenightmareeventsofthosefewdaysremainedvivid。Shemissedhimunbearably；hermindwouldreturnagainandagaintotheincrediblefactofDanedead，Danewhowouldnevercomeback。
Thentherewastheconvictionthatshehadn’thelpedhimenough。Everyonesaveherseemedtothinkhewasperfect，didn’texperiencethetroublesothermendid，butJustineknewhehadbeenplaguedbydoubts，hadtormentedhimselfwithhisownunworthiness，hadwonderedwhatpeoplecouldseeinhimbeyondthefaceandthebody。PoorDane，whoneverseemedtounderstandthatpeoplelovedhisgoodness。Terribletorememberitwastoolatetohelphimnow。
Shealsogrievedforhermother。Ifhisdyingcoulddothistoher，whatmustithavedonetoMum？Thethoughtmadeherwanttorunscreamingandcryingfrommemory，consciousness。ThepictureoftheUnksinRomeforhisordination，puffingouttheirproudchestslikepouterpigeons。Thatwastheworstofall，visualizingtheemptydesolationofhermotherandtheotherDroghedapeople。
Behonest，Justine。Wasthishonestlytheworst？Wasn’ttheresomethingfarmoredisturbing？Shecouldn’tpushthethoughtofRainaway，orwhatshefeltasherbetrayalofDane。TogratifyherowndesiresshehadsentDanetoGreecealone，whentohavegonewithhimmighthavemeantlifeforhim。Therewasnootherwaytoseeit。DanehaddiedbecauseofherselfishabsorptioninRain。Toolatenowtobringherbrotherback，butifinneverseeingRainagainshecouldsomehowatone，thehungerandthelonelinesswouldbewellworthit。
Sotheweekswentby，andthenthemonths。Ayear，twoyears。Desdemona，Ophelia，Portia，Cleopatra。Fromtheverybeginningsheflatteredherselfshebehavedoutwardlyasifnothinghadhappenedtoruinherworld；shetookexquisitecareinspeaking，laughing，relatingtopeoplequitenormally。Iftherewasachange，itwasinthatshewaskinderthanofyore，forpeople’sgriefstendedtoaffectherasiftheywereherown。But，alltold，shewasthesameoutwardJustineflippant，exuberant，brash，detached，acerbic。TwiceshetriedtogohometoDroghedaonavisit，thesecondtimeevengoingsofarastopayforherplaneticket。Eachtimeanenormouslyimportantlastminutereasonwhyshecouldn’tgocroppedup，butsheknewtherealreasontobeacombinationofguiltandcowardice。Shejustwasn’tabletonerveherselftoconfronthermother；todosomeantthewholesorrytalewouldcomeout，probablyinthemidstofanoisystormofgriefshehadsofarmanagedtoavoid。TheDroghedapeople，especiallyhermother，mustcontinuetogoaboutsecureintheirconvictionthatJustineatanyratewasallright，thatJustinehadsurviveditrelativelyunscathed。So，bettertostayawayfromDrogheda。Muchbetter。
Meggiecaughtherselfonasigh，suppressedit。Ifherbonesdidn’tachesomuchshemighthavesaddledahorseandridden，buttodaythemerethoughtofitwaspainful。Someothertime，whenherarthritisdidn’tmakeitspresencefeltsocruelly。
Sheheardacar，thethumpofthebrassram’sheadonthefrontdoor，heardvoicesmurmuring，hermother’stones，footsteps。NotJustine，sowhatdiditmatter？
\"Meggie，\"saidFeefromtheverandaentrance，\"wehaveavisitor。Couldyoucomeinside，please？\"
Thevisitorwasadistinguished-lookingfellowinearlymiddleage，thoughhemighthavebeenyoungerthanheappeared。Verydifferentfromanymanshehadeverseen，exceptthathepossessedthesamesortofpowerandself-confidenceRalphusedtohave。Usedtohave。Thatmostfinaloftenses，nowtrulyfinal。
\"Meggie，thisisMr。RainerHartheim，\"saidFee，standingbesideherchair。\"Oh！\"exclaimedMeggieinvoluntarily，verysurprisedatthelookoftheRainwhohadfiguredsolargelyinJustine’slettersfromtheolddays。Then，rememberinghermanners，\"Dositdown，Mr。Hartheim。\"
Hetoowasstaring，startled。\"You’renotabitlikeJustine！\"hesaidratherblankly。
\"No，I’mnot。\"Shesatdownfacinghim。
\"I’llleaveyoualonewithMr。Hartheim，Meggie，ashesayshewantstoseeyouprivately。Whenyou’rereadyforteayoumightring，\"Feecommanded，anddeparted。
\"You’reJustine’sGermanfriend，ofcourse，\"saidMeggie，ataloss。Hepulledouthiscigarettecase。\"MayI？\"
\"Pleasedo。\"
\"Wouldyoucareforone，Mrs。O’neill？\"
\"Thankyou，no。Idon’tsmoke。\"Shesmoothedherdress。\"You’realongwayfromhome，Mr。Hartheim。HaveyoubusinessinAustralia？\"Hesmiled，wonderingwhatshewouldsayifsheknewthathewas，ineffect，themasterofDrogheda。Buthehadnointentionoftellingher，forhepreferredalltheDroghedapeopletothinktheirwelfarelayinthecompletelyimpersonalhandsofthegentlemanheemployedtoactashisgo-between。
\"Please，Mrs。O’neill，mynameisRainer，\"hesaid，givingitthesamepronunciationJustinedid，whilethinkingwrylythatthiswomanwouldn’tuseitspontaneouslyforsometimetocome；shewasnotonetorelaxwithstrangers。\"No，Idon’thaveanyofficialbusinessinAustralia，butIdohaveagoodreasonforcoming。Iwantedtoseeyou。\"
\"Toseeme？\"sheaskedinsurprise。Asiftocoversuddenconfusion，shewentimmediatelytoasafersubject:\"Mybrothersspeakofyouoften。YouwereverykindtothemwhiletheywereinRomeforDane’sordination。\"ShesaidDane’snamewithoutdistress，asifsheuseditfrequently。\"Ihopeyoucanstayafewdays，andseethem。\"
\"1can，Mrs。O’neill；\"heansweredeasily。
ForMeggietheinterviewwasprovingunexpectedlyawkward；hewasastranger，hehadannouncedthathehadcometwelvethousandmilessimplytoseeher，andapparentlyhewasinnohurrytoenlightenherastowhy。Shethoughtshewouldendinlikinghim，butshefoundhimslightlyintimidating。Perhapshiskindofmanhadnevercomewithinherkenbefore，andthiswaswhyhethrewheroff-balance。AverynovelconceptionofJustineenteredhermindatthatmoment:herdaughtercouldactuallyrelateeasilytomenlikeRainerMoerlingHartheim！ShethoughtofJustineasafellowwomanatlast。Thoughagingandwhite-hairedshewasstillverybeautiful，hewasthinkingwhileshesatgazingathimpolitely；hewasstillsurprisedthatshelookednotatalllikeJustine，asDanehadsostronglyresembledtheCardinal。Howterriblylonelyshemustbe！Yethecouldn’tfeelsorryforherinthewayhedidforJustine；clearly，shehadcometotermswithherself。\"HowisJustine？\"sheasked。
Heshrugged。\"I’mafraidIdon’tknow。Ihaven’tseenhersincebeforeDanedied。\"
Shedidn’tdisplayastonishment。\"Ihaven’tseenhermyselfsinceDane’sfuneral，\"shesaid，andsighed。\"I’dhopedshewouldcomehome，butitbeginstolookasifsheneverwill。\"
Hemadeasoothingnoisewhichshedidn’tseemtohear，forshewentonspeaking，butinadifferentvoice，moretoherselfthantohim。\"Droghedaislikeahomefortheagedthesedays，\"shesaid。\"Weneedyoungblood，andJustine’sistheonlyyoungbloodleft。\"
Pitydesertedhim；heleanedforwardquickly，eyesglittering。\"Youspeakofherasifsheisachattelof
Drogheda，\"hesaid，hisvoicenowharsh。\"Iserveyounotice，Mrs。O’neill，sheisnot！\"
\"WhatrighthaveyoutojudgewhatJustineisorisn’t？\"sheaskedangrily。\"Afterall，yousaidyourselfthatyouhaven’tseenhersincebeforeDanedied，andthat’stwoyearsago！\"
\"Yes，you’reright。It’salloftwoyearsago。\"Hespokemoregently，realizingafreshwhatherlifemustbelike。\"Youbearitverywell，Mrs。O’neill。\"
\"DoI？\"sheasked，tightlytryingtosmile，hereyesneverleavinghis。SuddenlyhebegantounderstandwhattheCardinalmusthaveseeninhertohavelovedhersomuch。Itwasn’tinJustine，butthenhehimselfwasnoCardinalRalph；helookedfordifferentthings。\"Yes，youbearitverywell，\"herepeated。
Shecaughttheundertoneatonce，andflinched。\"HowdoyouknowaboutDaneandRalph？\"sheaskedunsteadily。
\"Iguessed。Don’tworry，Mrs。O’neill，nobodyelsedid。IguessedbecauseIknewtheCardinallongbeforeImetDane。InRomeeveryonethoughttheCardinalwasyourbrother，Dane’suncle，butJustinedisillusionedmeaboutthatthefirsttimeIevermether。\"
\"Justine？NotJustine！\"Meggiecried。
Hereachedouttotakeherhand，beatingfranticallyagainstherknee。\"No，no，no，Mrs。O’neill！Justinehasabsolutelynoideaofit，andIpraysheneverwill！Herslipwasquiteunintentional，believeme。\"
\"You’resure？\"
\"Yes，Iswearit。\"
\"TheninGod’sNamewhydoesn’tshecomehome？Whywon’tshecometoseeme？Whycan’tshebringherselftolookatmyface？\"NotonlyherwordsbuttheagonyinhervoicetoldhimwhathadtormentedJustine’smotheraboutherabsencetheselasttwoyears。Hisownmission’simportancedwindled；nowhehadanewone，toallayMeggie’sfears。\"Forthat1amtoblame，\"hesaidfirmly。
\"You？\"askedMeggie，bewildered。
\"JustinehadplannedtogotoGreecewithDane，andshe’sconvincedthathadshe，he’dstillbealive。\"
\"Nonsense！\"saidMeggie。
\"Q。Butthoughweknowit’snonsense，Justinedoesn’t。It’suptoyoutomakeherseeit。\"
\"Uptome？Youdon’tunderstand，Mr。Hartheim。Justinehasneverlistenedtomeinallherlife，andatthisstageanyinfluenceImightoncehavehadiscompletelygone。Shedoesn’tevenwanttoseemyface。\"
Hertonewasdefeatedbutnotabject。\"Ifellintothesametrapmymotherdid，\"shewentonmatter-of-factly。\"Droghedaismylife……thehouse，thebooks……HereI’mneeded，there’sstillsomepurposeinliving。Herearepeoplewhorelyonme。Mychildrenneverdid，youknow。Neverdid。\"\"That’snottrue，Mrs。O’neill。Ifitwas，Justinecouldcomehometoyouwithoutaqualm。Youunderestimatethequalityoftheloveshebearsyou。WhenIsayIamtoblameforwhatJustineisgoingthrough，ImeanthatsheremainedinLondonbecauseofme，tobewithme。Butitisforyoushesuffers，notforme。\"
Meggiestiffened。\"Shehasnorighttosufferforme！Lethersufferforherselfifshemust，butnotforme。Neverforme！\"\"ThenyoubelievemewhenIsayshehasnoideaofDaneandtheCardinal？\"Hermannerchanged，asifhehadremindedhertherewereotherthingsatstake，andshewaslosingsightofthem。\"Yes，\"shesaid，\"Ibelieveyou。\"\"IcametoseeyoubecauseJustineneedsyourhelpandcannotaskforit，\"heannounced。\"Youmustconvincehersheneedstotakeupthethreadsofherlifeagain-notaDroghedalife，butherownlife，whichhasnothingtodowithDrogheda。\"
Heleanedbackinhischair，crossedhislegsandlitanothercigarette。\"Justinehasdonnedsomekindofhairshirt，butforallthewrongreasons。Ifanyonecanmakeherseeit，youcan。YetIwarnyouthatifyouchoosetodososhewillnevercomehome，whereasifshegoesonthewaysheis，shemaywellendupreturningherepermanently。
\"Thestageisn’tenoughforsomeonelikeJustine，\"hewenton，\"andthedayiscomingwhenshe’sgoingtorealizethat。Thenshe’sgoingtooptforpeopleeitherherfamilyandDrogheda，orme。\"Hesmiledatherwithdeepunderstanding。\"ButpeoplearenotenoughforJustineeither，Mrs。O’neill。IfJustinechoosesme，shecanhavethestageaswell，andthatbonusDroghedacannotofferher。\"Nowhewasgazingathersternly，asifatanadversary。\"Icametoaskyoutomakesureshechoosesme。Itmayseemcrueltosaythis，butIneedhermorethanyoupossiblycould。\"
ThestarchwasbackinMeggie。\"Droghedaisn’tsuchabadchoice，\"shecountered。\"Youspeakasifitwouldbetheendofherlife，butitdoesn’tmeanthatatall，youknow。Shecouldhavethestage。Thisisatruecommunity。EvenifshemarriedBoyKing，ashisgrandfatherandIhavehopedforyears，herchildrenwouldbeaswellcaredforinherabsencesastheywouldbewereshemarriedtoyou。Thisisherhome！Sheknowsandunderstandsthiskindoflife。Ifshechoseit，she’dcertainlybeverywellawarewhatwasinvolved。Canyousaythesameforthesortoflifeyou’dofferher？\"\"No，\"hesaidstolidly。\"ButJustinethrivesonsurprises。OnDroghedashe’dstagnate。\"
\"Whatyoumeanis，she’dbeunhappyhere。\"
\"No，notexactly。Ihavenodoubtthatifsheelectedtoreturnhere，marriedthisBoyKing-whoisthisBoyKing，bytheway？\"\"Theheirtoaneighboringproperty，Bugela，andanoldchildhoodfriendwhowouldliketobemorethanafriend。Hisgrandfatherwantsthemarriagefordynasticreasons；IwantitbecauseIthinkit’swhatJustineneeds。\"。\"Isee。Well，ifshereturnedhereandmarriedBoyKing，she’dlearntobehappy。Buthappinessisarelativestate。Idon’tthinkshewouldeverknowthekindofsatisfactionshewouldfindwithme。Because，Mrs。O’neill，Justinelovesme，notBoyKing。\"
\"Thenshe’sgotaverystrangewayofshowingit，\"saidMeggie，pullingthebellropefortea。\"Besides，Mr。Hartheim，asIsaidearlier，Ithinkyouoverestimatemyinfluencewithher。JustinehasnevertakenascrapofnoticeofanythingIsay，letalonewant。\"
\"You’renobody’sfool，\"heanswered。\"Youknowyoucandoitifyouwantto。IcanasknomorethanthatyouthinkaboutwhatI’vesaid。Takeyourtime，there’snohurry。I’mapatientman。\"
Meggiesmiled。\"Thenyou’reararity，\"shesaid。Hedidn’tbroachthesubjectagain，nordidshe。Duringtheweekofhisstayhebehavedlikeanyotherguest，thoughMeggiehadafeelinghewastryingtoshowherwhatkindofmanhewas。Howmuchherbrotherslikedhimwasclear；fromthemomentwordreachedthepaddocksofhisarrival，theyallcameinandstayedinuntilheleftforGermany。Feelikedhim，too；hereyeshaddeterioratedtothepointwhereshecouldnolongerkeepthebooks，butshewasfarfromsenile。Mrs。Smithhaddiedinhersleepthepreviouswinter，notbeforeherduetime，andratherthaninflictanewhousekeeperonMinnieandCat，botholdbutstillhale，FeehadpassedthebookscompletelytoMeggieandmoreorlessfilledMrs。Smith’splaceherself。ItwasFeewhofirstrealizedRainerwasadirectlinkwiththatpartofDane’slifenooneonDroghedahadeverhadopportunitytoshare，sosheaskedhimtospeakofit。Heobligedgladly，havingquicklynoticedthatnoneoftheDroghedapeoplewereatallreluctanttotalkofDane，andderivedgreatpleasurefromlisteningtonewtalesabouthim。
BehindhermaskofpolitenessMeggiecouldn’tgetawayfromwhatRainhadtoldher，couldn’tstopdwellingonthechoicehehadofferedher。ShehadlongsincegivenuphopeofJustine’sreturn，onlytohavehimalmostguaranteeit，admittoothatJustinewouldbehappyifshedidreturn。Also，foroneotherthingshehadtobeintenselygratefultohim:hehadlaidtheghostofherfearthatsomehowJustinehaddiscoveredthelinkbetweenDaneandRalph。
AsformarriagetoRain，Meggiedidn’tseewhatshecoulddotopushJustinewhereapparentlyshehadnodesiretogo。Orwasitthatshedidn’twanttosee？ShehadendedinlikingRainverymuch，buthishappinesscouldn’tpossiblymatterasmuchtoherasthewelfareofherdaughter，oftheDroghedapeople，andofDroghedaitself。Thecrucialquestionwas，howvitaltoJustine’sfuturehappinesswasRain？InspiteofhiscontentionthatJustinelovedhim，Meggiecouldn’trememberherdaughtereversayinganythingwhichmightindicatethatRainheldthesamesortofimportanceforherasRalphhaddoneforMeggie。
\"IpresumeyouwillseeJustinesoonerorlater，\"MeggiesaidtoRainwhenshedrovehimtotheairport。\"Whenyoudo，I’dratheryoudidn’tmentionthisvisittoDrogheda。\"
\"Ifyouprefer，\"hesaid。\"IwouldonlyaskyoutothinkaboutwhatI’vesaid，andtakeyourtime。\"Butevenashemadehisrequest，hecouldn’thelpfeelingthatMeggiehadreapedfarmorebenefitfromhisvisitthanhehad。
Whenthemid-AprilcamethatwastwoandahalfyearsafterDane’sdeath，Justineexperiencedanoverwhelmingdesiretoseesomethingthatwasn’trowsofhouses。Suddenlyonthisbeautifuldayofsoftspringairandchillysun，urbanLondonwasintolerable。SoshetookaDistrictLinetraintoKewGardens，pleasedthatitwasaTuesdayandshewouldhavetheplacealmosttoherself。Norwassheworkingthatnight，soitdidn’tmatterifsheexhaustedherselftrampingthebyways。
Sheknewtheparkwell，ofcourse。LondonwasajoytoanyDroghedaperson，withitsmassesofformalflowerbeds，butKewwasinaclassallitsown。IntheolddayssheusedtohauntitfromApriltotheendofOctober，foreverymonthhadadifferentfloraldisplaytooffer。
Mid-Aprilwasherfavoritetime，theperiodofdaffodilsandazaleasandfloweringtrees。Therewasonespotshethoughtcouldlaysomeclaimtobeingoneoftheworld’sloveliestsightsonasmall，intimatescale，soshesatdownonthedampground，anaudienceofone，todrinkitin。Asfarastheeyecouldseestretchedasheetofdaffodils；inmid-distancethenoddingyellowhordeofbellsflowedaroundagreatfloweringalmond，itsbranchessoheavywithwhitebloomstheydippeddownwardinarchingfallsasperfectandstillasaJapanesepainting。Peace。Itwassohardtocomeby。Andthen，herheadfarbacktomemorizetheabsolutebeautyoftheladenalmondamiditsripplinggoldensea，somethingfarlessbeautifulintruded。RainerMoerlingHartheim，ofallpeople，threadinghiscarefulwaythroughclumpsofdaffodils，hisbulkshieldedfromthechillybreezebytheinevitableGermanleathercoat，thesunglitteringinhissilveryhair。
\"You’llgetacoldinyourkidneys，\"hesaid，takingoffhiscoatandspreadingitliningsideuponthegroundsotheycouldsitonit。\"Howdidyoufindmehere？\"sheasked，wrigglingontoabrownsatincorner。\"Mrs。KellytoldmeyouhadgonetoKew。Therestwaseasy。IjustwalkeduntilIfoundyou。\"
\"IsupposeyouthinkIoughttobefallingalloveryouingladness，tra-la？\"
\"Areyou？\"
\"SameoldRain，answeringaquestionwithaquestion。No，I’mnotgladtoseeyou。IthoughtI’dmanagedtomakeyoucrawlupahollowlogpermanently。\"
\"It’shardtokeepagoodmanupahollowlogpermanently。Howareyou？\"\"I’mallright。\"
\"Haveyoulickedyourwoundsenough？\"
No。
\"Well，that’stobeexpected，Isuppose。ButIbegantorealizethatonceyouhaddismissedmeyou’dneveragainhumbleyourpridetomakethefirstmovetowardreconciliation。WhereasI，Herzchen，amwiseenoughtoknowthatpridemakesaverylonelybedfellow。\"
\"Don’tgogettinganyideasaboutkickingitouttomakeroomforyourself，Rain，becauseI’mwarningyou，Iamnottakingyouoninthatcapacity。\"\"Idon’twantyouinthatcapacityanymore。\"
Thepromptnessofhisanswerirritatedher，butsheadoptedarelievedairandsaid，\"Honestly？\"
\"IfIdid，doyouthinkIcouldhavebornetokeepawayfromyousolong？Youwereapassingfancyinthatway，butIstillthinkofyouasadearfriend，andmissyouasadearfriend。\"
\"Oh，Rain，sodoI！\"
\"That’sgood。AmIadmittedasafriend，then？\"\"Ofcourse。\"
Helaybackonthecoatandputhisarmsbehindhishead，smilingatherlazily。\"Howoldareyou，thirty？Inthosedisgracefulclothesyoulookmorelikeascrubbyschoolgirl。Ifyoudon’tneedmeinyourlifeforanyotherreason，Justine，youcertainlydoasyourpersonalarbiterofelegance。\"Shelaughed。\"IadmitwhenIthoughtyoumightpopupoutofthewoodworkIdidtakemoreinterestinmyappearance。IfI’mthirty，though，you’renospringchookyourself。Youmustbefortyatleast。Doesn’tseemlikesuchahugedifferenceanymore，doesit？You’velostweight。Areyouallright，Rain？\"
\"Iwasneverfat，onlybig，sosittingatadeskallthetimehasshrunkme，notmademeexpand。\"
Slidingdownandturningontoherstomach，sheputherfaceclosetohis，smiling。\"Oh，Rain，it’ssogoodtoseeyou！Nooneelsegivesmearunformymoney。\"
\"PoorJustine！Andyouhavesomuchofitthesedays，don’tyou？\"\"Money？\"Shenodded。\"Odd，thattheCardinalshouldhaveleftallofhistome。Well，halftomeandhalftoDane，butofcourseIwasDane’ssolelegatee。\"Herfacetwistedinspiteofherself。Sheduckedherheadawayandpretendedtolookatonedaffodilinaseaofthemuntilshecouldcontrolhervoiceenoughtosay，\"Youknow，Rain，I’dgivemyeyeteethtolearnjustwhattheCardinalwastomyfamily。Afriend，onlythat？Morethanthat，insomemysteriousway。Butjustwhat，Idon’tknow。IwishIdid。\"\"No，youdon’t。\"Hegottohisfeetandextendedhishand。\"Come，Herzchen，I’llbuyyoudinneranywhereyouthinktherewillbeeyestoseethatthebreachbetweenthecarrot-toppedAustralianactressandthecertainmemberoftheGermancabinetishealed。Myreputationasaplayboyhasdeterioratedsinceyouthrewmeout。\"
\"You’llhavetowatchit，myfriend。Theydon’tcallmeacarrot-toppedAustralianactressanymore-thesedaysI’mthatlush，gorgeous，titian-hairedBritishactress，thankstomyimmortalinterpretationofCleopatra。Don’ttellmeyoudidn’tknowthecriticsarecallingmethemostexoticCleoinyears？\"ShecockedherarmsandhandsintotheposeofanEgyptianhieroglyph。
Hiseyestwinkled。\"Exotic？\"heaskeddoubtfully。\"Yes，exotic，\"shesaidfirmly。
CardinalVittoriowasdead，soRaindidn’tgotoRomeverymuchanymore。HecametoLondoninstead。AtfirstJustinewassodelightedshedidn’tlookanyfurtherthanthefriendshipheoffered，butasthemonthspassedandhefailedbywordorlooktomentiontheirpreviousrelationship，hermildindignationbecamesomethingmoredisturbing。Notthatshewantedaresumptionofthatotherrelationship，shetoldherselfconstantly；shehadfinishedcompletelywiththatsortofthing，didn’tneedordesireitanymore。NordidshepermithermindtodwellonanimageofRainsosuccessfullyburiedsheremembereditonlyintraitorousdreams。ThosefirstfewmonthsafterDanediedhadbeendreadful，resistingthelongingtogotoRain，feelhimwithherinbodyandspirit，knowingfullwellhewouldbeifshelethim。ButshecouldnotallowthiswithhisfaceovershadowedbyDane’s。Itwasrighttodismisshim，righttobattletoobliterateeverylastflickerofdesireforhim。Andastimewentonanditseemedhewasgoingtostayoutofherlifepermanently，herbodysettledintounarousedtorpor，andherminddisciplineditselftoforget。ButnowRainwasbackitwasgrowingmuchharder。Sheitchedtoaskhimwhetherherememberedthatotherrelationship-howcouldhehaveforgottenit？Certainlyforherselfshehadquitefinishedwithsuchthings，butitwouldhavebeengratifyingtolearnhehadn’t；thatis，providedofcoursesuchthingsforhimspelledJustine，，andonlyJustine。Pipedreams。Raindidn’thavethemienofamanwhowaswastingawayofunrequitedlove，mentalorphysical，andheneverdisplayedtheslightestwishtoreopenthatphaseoftheirlives。Hewantedherforafriend，enjoyedherasafriend。Excellent！Itwaswhatshewanted，too。Only……couldhehaveforgotten？No，itwasn’tpossible-butGoddamnhimifhehad！ThenightJustine’sthoughtprocessesreachedsofar，herseason’sroleofLadyMacbethhadaninterestingsavageryquitealientoherusualinterpretation。Shedidn’tsleepverywellafterward，andthefollowingmorningbroughtaletterfromhermotherwhichfilledherwithvagueunease。Mumdidn’twriteoftenanymore，asymptomofthelongseparationwhichaffectedthemboth，andwhatletterstherewerewerestilted，anemic。Thiswasdifferent，itcontainedadistantmutterofoldage，anunderlyingwearinesswhichpokedupawordortwoabovethesurfaceinanitieslikeaniceberg。Justinedidn’tlikeit。Old。Mum，old！WhatwashappeningonDrogheda？WasMumtryingtoconcealsomeserioustrouble？WasNannaill？OneoftheUnks？Godforbid，Mumherself？Itwasthreeyearssinceshehadseenanyofthem，andalotcouldhappeninthreeyears，evenifitwasn’thappeningtoJustineO’neill。Becauseherownlifewasstagnantanddull，sheoughtnottoassumeeveryoneelse’swas，too。ThatnightwasJustine’s\"off\"night，withonlyonemoreperformanceofMacbethtogo。Thedaylighthourshaddraggedunbearably，andeventhethoughtofdinnerwithRaindidn’tcarryitsusualanticipatorypleasure。Theirfriendshipwasuseless，futile，static，shetoldherselfasshescrambledintoadressexactlytheorangehehatedmost。Conservativeoldfuddy-duddy！IfRaindidn’tlikeherthewayshewas，hecouldlumpher。Then，fluffingupthelowbodice’sfrillsaroundhermeagerchest，shecaughtherowneyesinthemirrorandlaughedruefully。Oh，whatatempestinateacup！Shewasactingexactlylikethekindoffemaleshemostdespised。Itwasprobablyverysimple。Shewasstale，sheneededarest。ThankGodfortheendofLadyM！ButwhatwasthematterwithMum？LatelyRainwasspendingmoreandmoretimeinLondon，andJustinemarveledattheeasewithwhichhecommuted-betweenBonnandEngland。Nodoubthavingaprivateplanehelped，butithadtobeexhausting。\"Whydoyoucometoseemesooften？\"sheaskedoutoftheblue。\"EverygossipcolumnistinEuropethinksit’sgreat，butIconfessIsometimeswonderifyoudon’tsimplyusemeasanexcusetovisitLondon。\"
\"It’struethatIuseyouasablindfromtimetotime，\"headmittedcalmly。\"Asamatteroffact，you’vebeendustincertaineyesquitealot。Butit’snohardshipbeingwithyou，becauseIlikebeingwithyou。\"Hisdarkeyesdwelledonherfacethoughtfully。\"You’reveryquiettonight，Herzchen。Isanythingworryingyou？\"
\"No，notreally。\"Shetoyedwithherdessertandpusheditasideuneaten。\"Atleast，onlyasillylittlething。MumandIdon’twriteeveryweekanymoreit’ssolongsincewe’veseeneachotherthere’snothingmuchtosay-buttodayIhadsuchastrangeletterfromher。Nottypicalatall。\"，Hisheartsank；Meggiehadindeedtakenhertimethinkingaboutit，butinstincttoldhimthiswasthecommencementofhermove，andthatitwasnotinhisfavor。ShewasbeginningherplaytogetherdaughterbackforDrogheda，perpetuatethedynasty。
HereachedacrossthetabletotakeJustine’shand；shewaslooking，hethought，morebeautifulwithmaturity，inspiteofthatghastlydress。Tinylineswerebeginningtogiveherragamuffinfacedignity，whichitbadlyneeded，andcharacter，whichthepersonbehindhadalwaysownedinhugequantities。Buthowdeepdidhersurfacematuritygo？ThatwasthewholetroublewithJustine；shedidn’tevenwanttolook。\"Herzchen，yourmotherislonely，\"hesaid，burninghisboats。IfthiswaswhatMeggiewanted，howcouldhecontinuetothinkhimselfrightandherwrong？Justinewasherdaughter；shemustknowherfarbetterthanhe。\"Yes，perhaps，\"saidJustinewithafrown，\"butIcan’thelpfeelingthere’ssomethingmoreatbaseofit。Imean，shemusthavebeenlonelyforyears，sowhythissuddenwhateveritis？Ican’tputmyfingeronit，Rain，andmaybethat’swhatworriesmethemost。\"
\"She’sgrowingolder，whichIthinkyoutendtoforget。It’sverypossiblethingsarebeginningtopreyuponherwhichshefoundeasiertocontendwithinthepast。\"Hiseyeslookedsuddenlyremote，asifthebrainbehindwasconcentratingveryhardonsomethingatvariancewithwhathewassaying。\"Justine，threeyearsagoshelostheronlyson。Doyouthinkthatpaingrowslessastimepasses？Ithinkitmustgrowworse。Heisgone，andshemustsurelyfeelbynowthatyouaregone，too。Afterall，youhaven’tevenbeenhometovisither。\"
Sheshuthereyes。\"Iwill，Rain，Iwill！IpromiseIwill，andsoon！You’reright，ofcourse，butthenyoualwaysare。IneverthoughtI’dcometomissDrogheda，butlatelyIseemtobedevelopingquiteanaffectionforit。AsifIamapartofitafterall。\"
Helookedsuddenlyathiswatch，smiledruefully。\"I’mverymuchafraidtonightisoneofthoseoccasionswhenI’veusedyou，Herzchen。Ihatetoaskyoutofindyourownwayhome，butinlessthananhourIhavetomeetsomeveryimportantgentlemeninatop-secretplace，towhichImustgoinmyowncar，drivenbythetriple-A-security-clearancedFritz。\"
\"Cloakanddagger！\"shesaidgaily，concealingherhurt。\"NowIknowwhythosesuddentaxis！1amtobeentrustedtoacabby，butnotthefutureoftheCommonMarket，eh？Well，justtoshowyouhowlittleIneedataxioryoursecurity-clearancedFritz，I’mgoingtocatchthetubehome。It’squiteearly。\"Hisfingerslayratherlimplyaroundhers；sheliftedhishandandhelditagainsthercheek，thenkissedit。\"Oh，Rain，Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyou！\"
Heputthehandinhispocket，gottohisfeet，cameroundandpulledoutherchairwithhisotherhand。\"I’myourfriend，\"hesaid。\"That’swhatfriendsarefor，nottobedonewithout。\"
Butonceshepartedfromhim，Justinewenthomeina，vthoughtfulmood，whichturnedrapidlyintoadepressedone。Tonightwastheclosesthehadcometoanykindofpersonaldiscussion，andthegistofithadbeenthathefelthermotherwasterriblylonely，growingold，andthatsheoughttogohome。Visit，hehadsaid；butshecouldn’thelpwonderingifhehadactuallymeantstay。Whichratherindicatedthatwhateverhefeltforherinthepastwaswellandtrulyofthepast，andhehadnowishtoresurrectit。Ithadneveroccurredtoherbeforetowonderifhemightregardherasanuisance，apartofhispasthewouldliketoseeburiedindecentobscurityonsomeplacelikeDrogheda；butmaybehedid。Inwhichcase，whyhadhere-enteredherlifeninemonthsago？Becausehefeltsorryforher？Becausehefeltheowedhersomekindofdebt？Becausehefeltsheneededsomesortofpushtowardhermother，forDane’ssake？HehadbeenveryfondofDane，andwhoknewwhattheyhadtalkedaboutduringthoselongvisitstoRomewhenshehadn’tbeenpresent？MaybeDanehadaskedhimtokeepaneyeonher，andhewasdoingjustthat。Waitedadecentintervaltomakesureshewouldn’tshowhimthedoor，thenmarchedbackintoherlifetofulfillsomepromisemadetoDane。Yes，thatwasverylikelytheanswer。Certainlyhewasnolongerinlovewithher。Whateverattractionshehadoncepossessedforhimmusthavediedlongsince；afterall，shehadtreatedhimabominably。Shehadonlyherselftoblame。
Upontheheelsofwhichthoughtsheweptmiserably，succeededingettingenoughholduponherselftotellherselfnottobesostupid，twistedaboutandthumpedherpillowinafruitlessquestaftersleep，thenlaydefeatedtryingtoreadascript。Afterafewpagesthewordsbegantraitorouslytoblurandswimtogether，andtryasshewouldtouseheroldtrickofbulldozingdespairintosomebackcornerofhermind，itendedinoverwhelmingher。FinallyastheslovenlylightofalateLondondawnseepedthroughthewindowsshesatdownatherdesk，feelingthecold，hearingthedistantgrowloftraffic，smellingthedamp，tastingthesourness。SuddenlytheideaofDroghedaseemedwonderful。Sweetpureair，anaturallybrokensilence。Peace。Shepickeduponeofherblackfelt-tippedpensandbeganalettertohermother，hertearsdryingasshewrote。
IjusthopeyouunderstandwhyIhaven’tbeenhomesinceDanedied[shesaid]，butnomatterwhatyouthinkaboutthat，Iknowyou’llbepleasedtohearthatI’mgoingtorectifymyomissionpermanently。Yes，that’sright。I’mcominghomeforgood，Mum。Youwereright-thetimehascomewhenIlongforDrogheda。I’vehadmyflutter，andI’vediscovereditdoesn’tmeananythingtomeatall。What’sinitforme，trailingaroundastagefortherestofmylife？Andwhatelseistherehereformeasidefromthestage？Iwantsomethingsafe，permanent，enduring，soI’mcominghometoDrogheda，whichisallthosethings。Nomoreemptydreams。Whoknows？MaybeI’llmarryBoyKingifhestillwantsme，finallydosomethingworthwhilewithmylife，likehavingatribeoflittleNorthwestplainsmen。I’mtired，Mum，sotiredIdon’tknowwhatI’msaying，andIwishIhadthepowertowritewhatI’mfeeling。
Well，I’llstrugglewithitanothertime。LadyMacbethisoverandIhadn’tdecidedwhattodowiththecomingseasonyet，soIwon’tinconvenienceanyonebydecidingtobowoutofacting。Londonisteemingwithactresses。Clydecanreplacemeadequatelyintwoseconds，butyoucan’t，canyou？I’msorryit’stakenmethirty-oneyearstorealizethat。HadRainnothelpedmeitmighthavetakenevenlonger，buthe’samostperceptivebloke。He’snevermetyou，yetheseemstounderstandyoubetterthanIdo。Still，theysaytheonlookerseesthegamebest。That’scertainlytrueofhim。I’mfedupwithhim，alwayssupervisingmylifefromhisOlympianheights。HeseemstothinkheowesDanesomesortofdebtorpromise，andhe’sforevermakinganuisanceofhimselfpoppingovertoseeme；onlyI’vefinallyrealizedthatI’mthenuisance。IfI’msafelyonDroghedathedebtorpromiseorwhateveritwasiscanceled，isn’tit？HeoughttobegratefulfortheplanetripsI’llsavehim，anyway。AssoonasI’vegotmyselforganizedI’llwriteagain，tellyouwhentoexpectme。Inthemeantime，rememberthatinmystrangewayIdoloveyou。
Shesignedhernamewithoutitsusualflourish，morelikethe\"Justine\"whichusedtoappearonthebottomofdutifulletterswrittenfromboardingschoolundertheeagleeyeofacensoringnun。Thenshefoldedthesheets，puttheminanairmailenvelopeandaddressedit。OnthewaytothetheaterforthefinalperformanceofMacbethshepostedit。ShewentstraightaheadwithherplanstoquitEngland。Clydewasupsettotheextentofascreamingtempertantrumwhichlefthershaking，thenovernightheturnedcompletelyaboutandgaveinwithhuffygoodgrace。Therewasnodifficultyatallindisposingoftheleasetothemewsflatforitwasinahigh-demandcategory；infact，oncethewordleakedoutpeoplerangeveryfiveminutesuntilshetookthephoneoffthehook。Mrs。Kelly，whohad\"done\"forhersincethosefar-offdayswhenshehadfirstcometoLondon，ploddeddolefullyaroundamidajungleofwoodshavingsandcrates，bemoaningherfateandsurreptitiouslyputtingthephonebackonitscradleinthehopesomeonewouldringwiththepowertopersuadeJustinetochangehermind。
Inthemidstoftheturmoil，someonewiththatpowerdidring，onlynottopersuadehertochangehermind；Raindidn’tevenknowshewasgoing。HemerelyaskedhertoactashishostessforadinnerpartyhewasgivingathishouseonParkLane。
\"Whatdoyoumean，houseonParkLane？\"Justinesqueaked，astonished。\"Well，withgrowingBritishparticipationintheEuropeanEconomicCommunity，I’mspendingsomuchtimeinEnglandthatit’sbecomemorepracticalformetohavesomesortoflocalpied-a-terre，soI’veleasedahouseonParkLane，\"heexplained。
\"Yegods，Rain，youflamingsecretivebastard！Howlonghaveyouhadit？\"\"Aboutamonth。\"
\"Andyouletmegothroughthatidioticcharadetheothernightandsaidnothing？Goddamnyou！\"Shewassoangryshecouldn’tspeakproperly。\"Iwasgoingtotellyou，butIgotsuchakickoutofyourthinkingIwasflyingoverallthetimethatIcouldn’tresistpretendingabitlonger，\"hesaidwithalaughinhisvoice。
\"Icouldkillyou！\"shegroundfrombetweenherteeth，blinkingawaytears。\"No，Herzchen，please！Don’tbeangry！Comeandbemyhostess，thenyoucaninspectthepremisestoyourheart’scontent。\"
\"Suitablychaperonedbyfivemillionotherguests，ofcourse！What’sthematter，Rain，don’tyoutrustyourselfalonewithme？Orisitmeyoudon’ttrust？\"
\"Youwon’tbeaguest，\"hesaid，answeringthefirstpartofhertirade。\"You’llbemyhostess，whichisquitedifferent。Willyoudoit？\"Shewipedthetearsawaywiththebackofherhandandsaidgruffly，\"Yes。\"Itturnedouttobemoreenjoyablethanshehaddaredhope，forRain’shousewastrulybeautifulandhehimselfinsuchagoodmoodJustinecouldn’thelpbutbecomeinfectedbyit。Shearrivedproperlythoughalittletooflamboyantlygownedforhistaste，butafteraninvoluntarygrimaceatfirstsightofhershockingpinkslippersatin，hetuckedherarmthroughhisandconductedheraroundthepremisesbeforetheguestsarrived。Thenduringtheeveninghebehavedperfectly，treatingherinfrontoftheotherswithanoffhandintimacywhichmadeherfeelbothusefulandwanted。Hisguestsweresopoliticallyimportantherbraindidn’twanttothinkaboutthesortofdecisionstheymusthavetomake。Suchordinarypeople，too。Thatmadeitworse。
\"Iwouldn’thavemindedsomuchifevenoneofthemhaddisplayedsymptomsoftheChosenFew，\"shesaidtohimaftertheyhadgone，gladofthechancetobealonewithhimandwonderinghowquicklyhewasgoingtosendherhome。\"Youknow，likeNapoleonorChurchill。There’salottobesaidforbeingconvincedoneisamanofdestiny，ifoneisastatesman。Doyouregardyourselfasamanofdestiny？\"
Hewinced。\"Youmightchooseyourquestionsbetterwhenyou’requizzingaGerman，Justine。No，Idon’t，anditisn’tgoodforpoliticianstodeemthemselvesmenofdestiny。Itmightworkforaveryfew，thoughIdoubtit，butthevastbulkofsuchmencausethemselvesandtheircountriesendlesstrouble。\"
Shehadnodesiretoarguethepoint。Ithadserveditspurposeingettingacertainlineofconversationstarted；shecouldchangethesubjectwithoutlookingtooobvious。\"Thewiveswereaprettymixedbunch，weren’tthey？\"sheaskedartlessly。\"MostofthemwerefarlesspresentablethanIwas，evenifyoudon’tapproveofhotpink。Mrs。Whatsitwasn’ttoobad，andMrs。Hoojarsimplydisappearedintothematchingwallpaper，butMrs。Gumfoozlerwasabominable。Howdoesherhusbandmanagetoputupwithher？Oh，menaresuchfoolsaboutchoosingtheirwives！\"
\"Justine！Whenwillyoulearntoremembernames？It’saswellyouturnedmedown，afinepolitician’swifeyouwouldhavemade。Iheardyouhummingwhenyoucouldn’trememberwhotheywere。Manymenwithabominablewiveshavesucceededverywell，andjustasmanywithquiteperfectwiveshaven’tsucceededatall。Inthelongrunitdoesn’tmatter，becauseit’sthecaliberofthemanwhichisputtothetest。Therearefewmenwhomarryforreasonspurelypolitic。\"
Thatoldabilitytoputherinherplacecouldstillshock；shemadehimamocksalaamtohideherface，thensatdownontherug。\"Oh，dogetup，Justine！\"
Insteadshedefiantlycurledherfeetunderherandleanedagainstthewalltoonesideofthefireplace，strokingNatasha。ShehaddiscoveredonherarrivalthatafterCardinalVittorio’sdeathRainhadtakenhiscat；heseemedveryfondofit，thoughitwasoldandrathercrotchety。\"DidItellyouIwasgoinghometoDroghedaforgood？\"sheaskedsuddenly。Hewastakingacigaretteoutofhiscase；thebighandsdidn’tfalterortremble，butproceeded，smoothlywiththeirtask。\"Youknowverywellyoudidn’ttellme，\"hesaid。
\"ThenI’mtellingyounow。\"
\"Whendidyoucometothisdecision？\"
\"Fivedaysago。I’mleavingattheendofthisweek，Ihope。Itcan’tcomesoonenough。\"
\"Isee。\"
\"Isthatallyou’vegottosayaboutit？\"
\"Whatelseistheretosay，exceptthatIwishyouhappinessinwhateveryoudo？\"Hespokewithsuchcompletecomposureshewinced。\"Why，thankyou！\"shesaidairily。\"Aren’tyougladIwon’tbeinyourhairmuchlonger？\"
\"You’renotinmyhair，Justine，\"heanswered。SheabandonedNatasha，pickedupthepokerandbeganrathersavagelynudgingthecrumblinglogs，whichhadburnedawaytohollowshells；theycollapsedinwardinabriefflurryofsparks，andtheheatofthefireabruptlydecreased。\"Itmustbethedemonofdestructivenessinus，theimpulsetopokethegutsoutofafire。Itonlyhastenstheend。Butwhatabeautifulend，isn’tit，Rain？\"
Apparentlyhewasn’tinterestedinwhathappenedtofireswhentheywerepoked，forhemerelyasked，\"Bytheendoftheweek，eh？You’renotwastingmuchtime。\"
\"What’sthepointindelaying？\"
\"Andyourcareer？\"
\"I’msickofmycareer。Anyway，afterLadyMacbethwhatistherelefttodo？\"
\"Oh，growup，Justine！Icouldshakeyouwhenyoucomeoutwithsuchsophomoricrot！Whynotsimplysayyou’renotsurethetheaterhasanychallengeforyouanymore，andthatyou’rehomesick？\"\"Allright，allright，allright！Haveitanywayyoubloodywellwant！Iwasbeingmyusualflippantself。SorryIoffended！\"Shejumpedtoherfeet。\"Dammit，wherearemyshoes？What’shappenedtomycoat？\"Fritzappearedwithbotharticlesofclothing，anddroveherhome。Rainexcusedhimselffromaccompanyingher，sayinghehadthingstodo，butasshelefthewassittingbythefreshlybuiltupfire，Natashaonhislap，lookinganythingbutbusy。
\"Well，\"saidMeggietohermother，\"Ihopewe’vedonetherightthing。\"Feepeeredather，nodded。\"Oh，yes，I’msureofit。ThetroublewithJustineisthatsheisn’tcapableofmakingadecisionlikethis，sowedon’thaveanychoice。Wemustmakeitforher。\"
\"I’mnotsureIlikeplayingGod。IthinkIknowwhatshereallywantstodo，butevenifIcouldtaxherwithitfacetoface，she’dprevaricate。\"\"TheClearypride，\"saidFee，smilingfaintly。\"Itdoescropupinthemostunexpectedpeople。\"
\"Goon，it’snotallClearypride！I’vealwaysfanciedtherewasalittledashofArmstronginitaswell。\"
ButFeeshookherhead。\"No。WhyeverIdidwhatIdid，pridehardlyenteredintoit。That’sthepurposeofoldage，Meggie。Togiveusabreathingspacebeforewedie，inwhichtoseewhywedidwhatwedid。\"
\"Providedsenilitydoesn’trenderusincapablefirst，\"saidMeggiedryly。\"Notthatthere’sanydangerofthatinyou。Norinme，Isuppose。\"\"Maybesenility’samercyshowntothosewhocouldn’tfaceretrospection。Anyway，you’renotoldenoughyettosayyou’veavoidedsenility。Giveitan-othertwentyyears。\"
\"Anothertwentyyears！\"Meggieechoed，dismayed。\"Oh，itsoundssolong！\"\"Well，youcouldhavemadethosetwentyyearslesslonely，couldn’tyou？\"Feeasked，knittingindustriously。
\"Yes，Icould。Butitwouldn’thavebeenworthit，Mum。Wouldit？\"ShetappedJustine’sletterwiththeknobofoneancientknittingneedle，theslightesttraceofdoubtinhertone。\"I’veditheredlongenough。SittinghereeversinceRainercame，hopingIwouldn’tneedtodoanythingatall，hopingthedecisionwouldn’trestwithme。Yethewasright。Intheend，it’sbeenformetodo。\"
\"Well，youmightconcedeIdidabittoo，\"Feeprotested，injured。\"Thatis，onceyousurrenderedenoughofyourpridetotellmeallaboutit。\"\"Yes，youhelped，\"saidMeggiegently。
Theoldclockticked；bothpairsofhandscontinuedtoflashaboutthetortoise-shellstemsoftheirneedles。
\"Tellmesomething，Mum，\"saidMeggiesuddenly。\"WhydidyoubreakoverDanewhenyoudidn’toverDaddyorFrankorStu？\"\"Break？\"Fee’shandspaused，laiddowntheneedles:shecouldstillknitaswellasinthedayswhenshecouldseeperfectly。\"Howdoyoumean，break？\"\"Asthoughitkilledyou。\"
\"Theyallkilledme，Meggie。ButIwasyoungerforthefirstthree，soIhadtheenergytoconcealitbetter。Morereason，too。Justlikeyounow。ButRalphknewhowIfeltwhenDaddyandStudied。Youweretooyoungtohaveseenit。\"Shesmiled。\"IadoredRalph，youknow。Hewas……someonespecial。AwfullylikeDane。\"
\"Yes，hewas。Ineverrealizedyou’dseenthat，Mum-Imeantheirnatures。Funny。You’reaDarkestAfricatome。TherearesomanythingsaboutyouIdon’tknow。\"
\"Ishouldhopeso！\"saidFeewithasnortoflaughter。Herhandsremainedquiet。\"Gettingbacktotheoriginalsubject-ifyoucandothisnowforJustine，Meggie，I’dsayyou’vegainedmorefromyourtroublesthanIdidfrommine。Iwasn’twillingtodoasRalphaskedandlookoutforyou。Iwantedmymemories……nothingbutmymemories。Whereasyou’venochoice。Memoriesareallyou’vegot。\"
\"Well，they’reacomfort，oncethepaindiesdown。Don’tyouthinkso？Ihadtwenty-sixwholeyearsofDane，andI’velearnedtotellmyselfthatwhathappenedmustbeforthebest，thathemusthavebeensparedsomeawfulordealhemightnothavebeenstrongenoughtoendure。LikeFrank，perhaps，onlynotthesame。Thereareworsethingsthandying，webothknowthat。\"\"Aren’tyoubitteratall？\"askedFee。
\"Oh，atfirstIwas，butfortheirsakesI’vetaughtmyselfnottobe。\"Feeresumedherknitting。\"Sowhenwego，therewillbenoone，\"shesaidsoftly。\"Droghedawillbenomore。Oh，they’llgiveitalineinthehistorybooks，andsomeearnestyoungmanwillcometoGillytointerviewanyonehecanfindwhoremembers，forthebookhe’sgoingtowriteaboutDrogheda。LastofthemightyNewSouthWalesstations。Butnoneofhisreaderswilleverknowwhatitwasreallylike，becausetheycouldn’t。They’dhavetohavebeenapartofit。\"
\"Yes，\"saidMeggie，whohadn’tstoppedknitting。\"They’dhavetohavebeenapartofit。\"
SayinggoodbyetoRaininaletter，devastatedbygriefandshock，hadbeeneasy；infactenjoyableinacruelway，forshehadlashedbackthen-I’minagony，sooughtyoutobe。ButthistimeRainhadn’tputhimselfinapositionwhereaDearJohnletterwaspossible。Ithadtobedinnerattheirfavoriterestaurant。Hehadn’tsuggestedhisParkLanehouse，whichdisappointedbutdidn’tsurpriseher。NodoubtheintendedsayingevenhisfinalgoodbyesunderthebenigngazeofFritz。Certainlyhewasn’ttakinganychances。
Foronceinherlifeshetookcarethatherappearanceshouldpleasehim；theimpwhichusuallyproddedherintoorangefrillsseemedtohaveretiredcursing。SinceRainlikedunadornedstyles，sheputonafloorlengthsilkjerseydressofdullburgundyred，hightotheneck，longtightsleeves。Sheaddedabigfiatcollaroftortuousgoldstuddedwithgarnetsandpearls，andmatchingbraceletsoneachwrist。Whathorrible，horriblehair。Itwasneverdisciplinedenoughtosuithim。Moremakeupthannormal，toconcealtheevidenceofherdepression。There。Shewoulddoifhedidn’tlooktooclosely。
Hedidn’tseemto；atleasthedidn’tcommentuponwearinessorpossibleillness，evenmadenoreferencetotheexigenciesofpacking。Whichwasn’tabitlikehim。Andafterawhileshebegantoexperienceasensationthattheworldmustbeending，sodifferentwashefromhisusualself。Hewouldn’thelphermakethedinnerasuccess，thesortofaffairtheycouldrefertoinletterswithreminiscentpleasureandamusement。Ifshecouldonlyhavepersuadedherselfthathewassimplyupsetathergoing，itmighthavebeenallright。Butshecouldn’t。Hismoodjustwasn’tthatsort。Rather，hewassodistantshefeltasifsheweresittingwithapapereffigy，one-dimensionalandanxioustobeofffloatinginthebreeze，farfromherken。Asifhehadsaidgoodbyetoheralready，andthismeetingwasasuperfluity。
\"Haveyouhadaletterfromyourmotheryet？\"heaskedpolitely。\"No，butIdon’thonestlyexpectone。She’sprobablybereftofwords。\"\"WouldyoulikeFritztotakeyoutotheairporttomorrow？\"\"Thanks，Icancatchacab，\"sheansweredungraciously。\"Iwouldn’twantyoutobedeprivedofhisservices。\"
\"Ihavemeetingsallday，soIassureyouitwon’tinconveniencemeintheslightest。\"
\"IsaidI’dtakeacab！\"
Heraisedhiseyebrows。\"There’snoneedtoshout，Justine。Whateveryouwantisallrightwithme。\"
Hewasn’tcallingherHerzchenanymore；oflateshehadnoticeditsfrequencydeclining，andtonighthehadnotusedtheoldendearmentonce。Oh，whatadismal，depressingdinnerthiswas！Letitbeoversoon！Shefoundshewaslookingathishandsandtryingtorememberwhattheyfeltlike，butshecouldn’t。Whywasn’tlifeneatandwellorganized，whydidthingslikeDanehavetohappen？PerhapsbecauseshethoughtofDane，hermoodsuddenlyplummetedtoapointwhereshecouldn’tbeartositstillamomentlonger，andputherhandsonthearmsofherchair。
\"Doyoumindifwego？\"sheasked。\"I’mdevelopingasplittingheadache。\"AtthejunctionoftheHighRoadandJustine’slittlemewsRainhelpedherfromthecar，toldFritztodrivearoundtheblock，andputhishandbeneathherelbowcourteouslytoguideher，histouchquiteimpersonal。InthefreezingdampofaLondondrizzletheywalkedslowlyacrossthecobbles，drippingechoesoftheirfootstepsallaroundthem。Mournful，lonelyfootsteps。
\"So，Justine，wesaygoodbye，\"hesaid。
\"Well，forthetimebeing，atanyrate，\"sheansweredbrightly，\"butit’snotforever，youknow。I’llbeacrossfromtimetotime，andIhopeyou’llfindthetimetocomedowntoDrogheda。\"
Heshookhishead。\"No。Thisisgoodbye，Justine。Idon’tthinkwehaveanyfurtheruseforeachother。\"
\"Youmeanyouhaven’tanyfurtheruseforme，\"shesaid，andmanagedafairlycreditablelaugh。\"It’sallright，Rain！Don’tspareme，Icantakeit！\"
Hetookherhand，benttokissit，straightened，smiledintohereyesandwalkedaway。
Therewasaletterfromhermotheronthemat。Justinestoopedtopickitup，droppedherbagandwrapwhereithadlain，hershoesnearby，andwentintothelivingroom。Shesatdownheavilyonapackingcrate，chewingatherlip，hereyesrestingforamomentinwondering，bewilderedpityonamagnificenthead-andshouldersstudyofDanetakentocommemoratehisordination。Thenshecaughtherbaretoesintheactofcaressingtherolled-upkangaroo-furrug，grimacedindistasteandgotupquickly。Ashortwalktothekitchen，thatwaswhatsheneeded。Soshetookashortwalktothekitchen，wheresheopenedtherefrigerator，reachedforthecreamjug，openedthefreezerdoorandwithdrewacanoffiltercoffee。Withonehandonthecold-watertaptorunwaterforhercoffee，shelookedaroundwide-eyed，asifshehadneverseentheroombefore。Lookedattheflawsinthewallpaper，atthesmugphilodendroninitsbaskethungfromtheceiling，atthe，blackpussy-catclockwaggingitstailandrollingitseyesatthespectacleoftimebeingsofrivolouslyfritteredaway。PACK
HAIRBRUSH，saidtheblackboardinlargecapitals。OnthetablelayapencilsketchofRainshehaddonesomeweeksago。Andapacketofcigarettes。Shetookoneandlitit，putthekettleonthestoveandrememberedhermother’sletter，whichwasstillscrewedupinonehand。Mayaswellreaditwhilethewaterheated。Shesatdownatthekitchentable，flippedthedrawingofRainontothefloorandplantedherfeetontopofit。Upyours，too，RainerMoerlingHartheim！SeeifIcare，yougreatdogmaticleather-coatedKrauttwit。Gotnofurtheruseforme，eh？Well，norhaveIforyou！
MydearJustine[saidMeggie]
Nodoubtyou’reproceedingwithyourusualimpulsivespeed，soIhopethisreachesyouintime。IfanythingI’vesaidlatelyinmylettershascausedthissuddendecisionofyours，pleaseforgiveme。Ididn’tmeantoprovokesuchadrasticreaction。IsupposeIwassimplylookingforabitofsympathy，butIalwaysforgetthatunderthattoughskinofyours，you’reprettysoft。
Yes，I’mlonely，terriblyso。Yetitisn’tanythingyourcominghomecouldpossiblyrectify。Ifyoustoptothinkforamoment，you’llseehowtruethatis。Whatdoyouhopetoaccomplishbycominghome？Itisn’twithinyourpowertorestoretomewhatI’velost，andyoucan’tmakereparationeither。Norisitpurelymyloss。It’syourlosstoo，andNanna’s，andalltherest。Youseemtohaveanidea，andit’squiteamistakenidea，thatinsomewayyouwereresponsible。Thispresentimpulselookstomesuspiciouslylikeanactofcontrition。That’sprideandpresumption，Justine。Danewasagrownman，notahelplessbaby。1lethimgo，didn’tI？IfIhadletmyselffeelthewayyoudo，I’dbesittinghereblamingmyselfintoamentalasylumbecauseIhadpermittedhimtolivehisownlife。ButI’mnotsittinghereblamingmyself。We’renoneofusGod，thoughIthinkI’vehadmorechancetolearnthatthanyou。
Incominghome，you’rehandingmeyourlifelikeasacrifice。1don’twantit。Ineverhavewantedit。AndIrefuseitnow。Youdon’tbelongonDrogheda，youneverdid。Ifyoustillhaven’tworkedoutwhereyoudobelong，Isuggestyousitdownrightthisminuteandstartsomeseriousthinking。Sometimesyoureallyareawfullydense。Rainerisaveryniceman，butI’veneveryetmetamanwhocouldpossiblybeasaltruisticasyouseemtothinkheis。ForDane’ssakeindeed！Dogrowup，Justine！Mydearestone，alighthasgoneout。Forallofus，alighthasgoneout。Andthere’sabsolutelynothingyoucandoaboutit，don’tyouunderstand？I’mnotinsultingyoubytryingtopretendI’mperfectlyhappy。Suchisn’tthehumancondition。ButifyouthinkwehereonDroghedaspendourdaysweepingandwailing，you’requitewrong。Weenjoyourdays，andoneofthemainreasonswhyisthatourlightsforyoustillburn。Dane’slightisgoneforever。Please，dearJustine，tryto。acceptthat。ComehometoDroghedabyallmeans，we’dlovetoseeyou。Butnotforgood。You’dneverbehappysettledherepermanently。Itisnotonlyaneedlesssacrificeforyoutomake，butauselessone。Inyoursortofcareer，evenayearspentawayfromitwouldcostyoudearly。Sostaywhereyoubelong，beagoodcitizenofyourworld。
Thepain。ItwaslikethosefirstfewdaysafterDanedied。Thesamesortoffutile，wasted，unavoidablepain。Thesameanguishedimpotence。No，ofcoursetherewasnothingshecoulddo。Nowayofmakingup，noway。Scream！Thekettlewaswhistlingalready。Hush，kettle，hush！HushforMummy！HowdoesitfeeltobeMummy’sonlychild，kettle？AskJustine，sheknows。Yes，Justineknowsallaboutbeingtheonlychild。ButI’mnotthechildshewants，thatpoorfadingoldwomanbackontheranch。Oh，Mum！Oh，Mum……DoyouthinkifIhumanlycould，Iwouldn’t？Newlampsforold，mylifeforhis！Itisn’tfair，thatDanewastheonetodie……She’sright。MygoingbacktoDroghedacan’talterthefactthathenevercan。Thoughheliesthereforever，henevercan。Alighthasgoneout，andIcan’trekindleit。ButIseewhatshemeans。Mylightstillburnsinher。OnlynotonDrogheda。
Fritzansweredthedoor，notcladinhissmartnavychauffeur’suniform，cladinhissmartbutler’smorningsuitinstead。Butashesmiled，bowedstifflyandclickedhisheelsingoodold-fashionedGermanmanner，athoughtoccurredtoJustine；didhedodoubledutyinBonn，too？\"AreyousimplyHerrHartheim’shumbleservant，Fritz，orareyoureallyhiswatchdog？\"sheasked，handinghimhercoat。Fritzremainedimpassive。\"HerrHartheimisinhisstudy，MissO’neill。\"Hewassittinglookingatthefire，leaningalittleforward，Natashacurledsleepingonthehearth。Whenthedooropenedhelookedup，butdidn’tspeak，didn’tseemgladtoseeher。
SoJustinecrossedtheroom，knelt，andlaidherforeheadonhislap。\"Rain，I’msosorryforalltheyears，andIcan’tatone，\"shewhispered。Hedidn’trisetohisfeet，drawherupwithhim；hekneltbesideheronthefloor。
\"Amiracle，\"hesaid。
Shesmiledathim。\"Youneverdidstoplovingme，didyou？\"\"No，Herzchen，never。\"\"Imusthavehurtyouverymuch。\"\"Notinthewayyouthink。Iknewyoulovedme，andIcouldwait。I’vealwaysbelievedapatientmanmustwinintheend。\"
\"Soyoudecidedtoletmeworkitoutformyself。Youweren’tabitworriedwhenIannouncedIwasgoinghometoDrogheda，wereyou？\"\"Oh，yes。HaditbeenanothermanIwouldnothavebeenperturbed，butDrogheda？Aformidableopponent。Yes，Iworried。\"\"YouknewIwasgoingbeforeItoldyou，didn’tyou？\"\"Clydeletthecatoutofthebag。HerangBonntoaskmeiftherewasanywayIcouldstopyou，soItoldhimtoplayalongwithyouforaweekortwoatanyrate，andI’dseewhatIcoulddo。Notforhissake，Herzchen。Formyown。I’mnoaltruist。\"\"That’swhatMumsaid。Butthishouse！Didyouhaveitamonthago？\"\"No，norisitmine。However，sincewewillneedaLondonhouseifyou’retocontinuewithyourcareer，I’dbetterseewhatIcandotoacquireit。Thatis，providedyoulikeit。I’llevenletyouhavetheredecoratingofit，ifyoupromisefaithfullynottodeckitoutinpinkandorange。\"\"I’veneverrealizedquitehowdeviousyouare。Whydidn’tyoujustsayyoustilllovedme？Iwantedyouto！\"\"No。Theevidencewasthereforyoutoseeitforyourself，andyouhadtoseeifforyourself。\"\"I’mafraidI’mchronicallyblind。Ididn’treallyseeformyself，Ihadtohavesomehelp。Mymotherfinallyforcedmetoopenmyeyes。Ihadaletterfromhertonight，tellingmenottocomehome。\"\"She’samarvelousperson，yourmother。\"\"Iknowyou’vemether，Rain-when？\"\"Iwenttoseeheraboutayearago。Droghedaismagnificent，butitisn’tyou，Herzchen。AtthetimeIwenttotrytomakeyourmotherseethat。You’venoideahowgladIamshehas，thoughIdon’tthinkanythingIsaidwasveryenlightening。\"Sheputherfingersuptotouchhismouth。\"Idoubtedmyself，Rain。Ialwayshave。MaybeIalwayswill。\"
\"Oh，Herzchen，Ihopenot！Formetherecanneverbeanyoneelse。Onlyyou。Thewholeworldhasknownitforyears。Butwordsoflovemeannothing。Icouldhavescreamedthematyouathousandtimesadaywithoutaffectingyourdoubtsintheslightest。SoIhaven’tspokenmylove，Justine，I’velivedit。Howcouldyoudoubtthefeelingsofyourmostfaithfulgallant？\"Hesighed。\"Well，atleastithasn’tcomefromme。Perhapsyou’llcontinuetofindyourmother’swordgoodenough。\"\"Pleasedon’tsayitlikethat！PoorRain，IthinkI’vewornevenyourpatiencetoathread。Don’tbehurtthatitcamefromMum。Itdoesn’tmatter！I’vekneltinabasementatyourfeet！\"\"ThankGodtheabasementwillonlylastfortonight，\"hesaidmorecheerfully。\"You’llbouncebacktomorrow。\"Thetensionbegantoleaveher；theworstofitwasover。\"WhatIlike-no，love-aboutyouthemostisthatyougivemesuchagoodrunformymoneyIneverdoquitecatchup。\"Hisshouldersshook。\"Thenlookatthefuturethisway，Herzchen。Livinginthesamehousewithmemightaffordyoutheopportunitytoseehowitcanbedone。\"Hekissedherbrows，hercheeks，hereyelids。\"Iwouldhaveyounootherwaythanthewayyouare，Justine，Notafreckleofyourfaceoracellofyourbrain。\"Sheslidherarmsaroundhisneck，sankherfingersintothatsatisfyinghair。\"Oh，ifyouknewhowI’velongedtodothis！\"shesaid。\"I’veneverbeenabletoforget。\"
Thecablesaid:HAVEJUSTBECOMEMRSRAWERMOERLINGHARTHEIMSTOPPRIVATECEREMONYTHEVATICANSTOPPAPALBLESSINGSALLOVERTHEPLACESTOPTHATISDEFINITELYBEINGMARRIEDEXCLAMATIONWEWILLBEDOWNONADELAYEDHONEYMOONASSOONASPOSSIBLEBUTEUROPEISGOINGTOBE
HOMESTOPLOVETOALLANDFROMRAINTOOSTOPJUSTINEMeggieputtheformdownonthetableandstaredwide-eyedthroughthewindowatthewealthofautumnrosesinthegarden。Perfumeofroses，beesofroses。Andthehibiscus，thebottlebrush，theghostgums，thebougainvilleaupabovetheworldsohigh，thepeppertrees。Howbeautifulthegardenwas，howalive。Toseeitssmallthingsgrowbig，change，andwither；andnewlittlethingscomeagaininthesameendless，unceasingcycle。TimeforDroghedatostop。Yes，morethantime。Letthecyclerenewitselfwithunknownpeople。Ididitalltomyself，Ihavenooneelsetoblame。AndIcannotregretonesinglemomentofit。Thebirdwiththethorninitsbreast，itfollowsanimmutablelaw；itisdrivenbyitknowsnotwhattoimpaleitself，anddiesinging。Attheveryinstantthethornentersthereisnoawarenessinitofthedyingtocome；itsimplysingsandsingsuntilthereisnotthelifelefttoutteranothernote。Butwe，whenweputthethornsinourbreasts，weknow。Weunderstand。Andstillwedoit。Stillwedoit。
