第19章

类别:其他 作者:William James字数:5614更新时间:18/12/21 17:13:49
“Onemorning,whileIwaswalkinginasolitaryplaceasusual,I atoncesawthatallmycontrivancesandprojectstoeffectorprocuredeliveranceandsalvationformyselfwereutterlyinvain;Iwasbroughtquitetoastand,asfindingmyselftotallylost。Isawthatitwasforeverimpossibleformetodoanythingtowardshelpingordeliveringmyself,thatIhadmadeallthepleasIevercouldhavemadetoalleternity;andthatallmypleaswerevain,forIsawthatself-interesthadledmetopray,andthatIhadneveronceprayedfromanyrespecttothegloryofGod。Isawthattherewasnonecessaryconnectionbetweenmyprayersandthebestowmentofdivinemercy,thattheylaidnottheleastobligationuponGodtobestowhisgraceuponme;andthattherewasnomorevirtueorgoodnessinthemthantherewouldbeinmypaddlingwithmyhandinthewater。IsawthatI hadbeenheapingupmydevotionsbeforeGod,fasting,praying,etc。,pretending,andindeedreallythinkingsometimesthatIwasaimingatthegloryofGod;whereasIneveroncetrulyintendedit,butonlymyownhappiness。IsawthatasIhadneverdoneanythingforGod,Ihadnoclaimonanythingfromhimbutperdition,onaccountofmyhypocrisyandmockery。WhenIsawevidentlythatIhadregardtonothingbutself-interest,thenmydutiesappearedavilemockeryandacontinualcourseoflies,forthewholewasnothingbutself-worship,andanhorridabuseofGod。 “Icontinued,asIremember,inthisstateofmind,fromFridaymorningtilltheSabbatheveningfollowing(July12,1739),whenIwaswalkingagaininthesamesolitaryplace。Here,inamournfulmelancholystateIwasattemptingtopray;butfoundnohearttoengageinthatoranyotherduty;myformerconcern,exercise,andreligiousaffectionswerenowgone。IthoughtthattheSpiritofGodhadquiteleftme;butstillwasNOT DISTRESSED;yetdisconsolate,asiftherewasnothinginheavenorearthcouldmakemehappy。Havingbeenthusendeavoringtopray——though,asIthought,verystupidandsenseless——fornearhalfanhour;then,asIwaswalkinginathickgrove,unspeakablegloryseemedtoopentotheapprehensionofmysoul。 Idonotmeananyexternalbrightness,noranyimaginationofabodyoflight,butitwasanewinwardapprehensionorviewthatIhadofGod,suchasIneverhadbefore,noranythingwhichhadtheleastresemblancetoit。IhadnoparticularapprehensionofanyonepersonintheTrinity,eithertheFather,theSon,ortheHolyGhost;butitappearedtobeDivineglory。Mysoulrejoicedwithjoyunspeakable,toseesuchaGod,suchagloriousDivineBeing;andIwasinwardlypleasedandsatisfiedthatheshouldbeGodoverallforeverandever。MysoulwassocaptivatedanddelightedwiththeexcellencyofGodthatIwasevenswallowedupinhim,atleasttothatdegreethatIhadnothoughtaboutmyownsalvation,andscarcereflectedthattherewassuchacreatureasmyself。Icontinuedinthisstateofinwardjoy,peace,andastonishing,tillneardarkwithoutanysensibleabatement;andthenbegantothinkandexaminewhatIhadseen; andfeltsweetlycomposedinmymindalltheeveningfollowing。 Ifeltmyselfinanewworld,andeverythingaboutmeappearedwithadifferentaspectfromwhatitwaswonttodo。Atthistime,thewayofsalvationopenedtomewithsuchinfinitewisdom,suitableness,andexcellency,thatIwonderedIshouldeverthinkofanyotherwayofsalvation;wasamazedthatIhadnotdroppedmyowncontrivances,andcompliedwiththislovely,blessed,andexcellentwaybefore。IfIcouldhavebeensavedbymyowndutiesoranyotherwaythatIhadformerlycontrived,mywholesoulwouldnowhaverefusedit。Iwonderedthatalltheworlddidnotseeandcomplywiththiswayofsalvation,entirelybytherighteousnessofChrist。”[116] [116]Edward’sandDwight’sLifeofBrainerd,NewHaven,1822,pp。45-47,abridged。 Ihaveitalicizedthepassagewhichrecordstheexhaustionoftheanxiousemotionhithertohabitual。Inalargeproportion,perhapsthemajority,ofreports,thewritersspeakasiftheexhaustionofthelowerandtheentranceofthehigheremotionweresimultaneous,[117]yetoftenagaintheyspeakasifthehigheractivelydrovethelowerout。Thisisundoubtedlytrueinagreatmanyinstances,asweshallpresentlysee。Butoftenthereseemslittledoubtthatbothconditions——subconsciousripeningoftheoneaffectionandexhaustionoftheother——mustsimultaneouslyhaveconspired,inordertoproducetheresult。 [117]Describingthewholephenomenonasachangeofequilibrium,wemightsaythatthemovementofnewpsychicenergiestowardsthepersonalcentreandtherecessionofoldonestowardsthemargin(ortherisingofsomeobjectsabove,andthesinkingofothersbelowtheconsciousthreshold)wereonlytwowaysofdescribinganindivisibleevent。Doubtlessthisisoftenabsolutelytrue,andStarbuckisrightwhenhesaysthat“self-surrender“and“newdetermination。”thoughseemingatfirstsighttobesuchdifferentexperiences,are“reallythesamething。Self-surrenderseesthechangeintermsoftheoldself,determinationseesitintermsofthenew。”Op。cit。,p。160。 T。W。B。,aconvertofNettleton’s,beingbroughttoanacuteparoxysmofconvictionofsin,atenothingallday,lockedhimselfinhisroomintheeveningincompletedespair,cryingaloud,“Howlong,OLord,howlong?”“Afterrepeatingthisandsimilarlanguage。”hesays,“severaltimes,Iseemedtosinkawayintoastateofinsensibility。WhenIcametomyselfagainIwasonmyknees,prayingnotformyselfbutforothers。IfeltsubmissiontothewillofGod,willingthatheshoulddowithmeasshouldseemgoodinhissight。Myconcernseemedalllostinconcernforothers。”[118] [118]A。A。Bonar:NettletonandhisLabors,Edinburgh,1854,p。 261。 OurgreatAmericanrevivalistFinneywrites:“Isaidtomyself: ’Whatisthis?ImusthavegrievedtheHolyGhostentirelyaway。 Ihavelostallmyconviction。Ihavenotaparticleofconcernaboutmysoul;anditmustbethattheSpirithasleftme。’ ’Why!’thoughtI,’Ineverwassofarfrombeingconcernedaboutmyownsalvationinmylife。’……Itriedtorecallmyconvictions,togetbackagaintheloadofsinunderwhichIhadbeenlaboring。Itriedinvaintomakemyselfanxious。IwassoquietandpeacefulthatItriedtofeelconcernedaboutthat,lestitshouldbetheresultofmyhavinggrievedtheSpiritaway。”[119] [119]CharlesG。Finney:MemoirswrittenbyHimself,1876,pp。 17,18。 Butbeyondallquestiontherearepersonsinwhom,quiteindependentlyofanyexhaustionintheSubject’scapacityforfeeling,orevenintheabsenceofanyacutepreviousfeeling,thehighercondition,havingreachedtheduedegreeofenergy,burststhroughallbarriersandsweepsinlikeasuddenflood。 Thesearethemoststrikingandmemorablecases,thecasesofinstantaneousconversiontowhichtheconceptionofdivinegracehasbeenmostpeculiarlyattached。Ihavegivenoneofthematlength——thecaseofMr。Bradley。ButIhadbetterreservetheothercasesandmycommentsontherestofthesubjectforthefollowinglecture。 LectureX CONVERSION——ConcludedInthislecturewehavetofinishthesubjectofConversion,consideringatfirstthosestrikinginstantaneousinstancesofwhichSaintPaul’sisthemosteminent,andinwhich,oftenamidtremendousemotionalexcitementorperturbationofthesenses,acompletedivisionisestablishedinthetwinklingofaneyebetweentheoldlifeandthenew。Conversionofthistypeisanimportantphaseofreligiousexperience,owingtothepartwhichithasplayedinProtestanttheology,anditbehoovesustostudyitconscientiouslyonthataccount。 IthinkIhadbettercitetwoorthreeofthesecasesbeforeproceedingtoamoregeneralizedaccount。Onemustknowconcreteinstancesfirst;for,asProfessorAgassizusedtosay,onecanseenofartherintoageneralizationthanjustsofarasone’spreviousacquaintancewithparticularsenablesonetotakeitin。 Iwillgoback,then,tothecaseofourfriendHenryAlline,andquotehisreportofthe26thofMarch,1775,onwhichhispoordividedmindbecameunifiedforgood。 “AsIwasaboutsunsetwanderinginthefieldslamentingmymiserablelostandundonecondition,andalmostreadytosinkundermyburden,IthoughtIwasinsuchamiserablecaseasneveranymanwasbefore。Ireturnedtothehouse,andwhenI gottothedoor,justasIwassteppingoffthethreshold,thefollowingimpressionscameintomymindlikeapowerfulbutsmallstillvoice。Youhavebeenseeking,praying,reforming,laboring,reading,hearing,andmeditating,andwhathaveyoudonebyittowardsyoursalvation?Areyouanynearertoconversionnowthanwhenyoufirstbegan?Areyouanymorepreparedforheaven,orfittertoappearbeforetheimpartialbarofGod,thanwhenyoufirstbegantoseek? “ItbroughtsuchconvictiononmethatIwasobligedtosaythatIdidnotthinkIwasonestepnearerthanatfirst,butasmuchcondemned,asmuchexposed,andasmiserableasbefore。Icriedoutwithinmyself,OLordGod,Iamlost,andifthou,OLord,dostnotfindoutsomenewway,Iknownothingof,Ishallneverbesaved,forthewaysandmethodsIhaveprescribedtomyselfhaveallfailedme,andIamwillingtheyshouldfail。OLord,havemercy!OLord,havemercy! “ThesediscoveriescontinueduntilIwentintothehouseandsatdown。AfterIsatdown,beingallinconfusion,likeadrowningmanthatwasjustgivinguptosink,andalmostinanagony,I turnedverysuddenlyroundinmychair,andseeingpartofanoldBiblelyinginoneofthechairs,Icaughtholdofitingreathaste;andopeningitwithoutanypremeditation,castmyeyesonthe38thPsalm,whichwasthefirsttimeIeversawthewordofGod:ittookholdofmewithsuchpowerthatitseemedtogothroughmywholesoul,sothatitseemedasifGodwasprayingin,with,andforme。Aboutthistimemyfathercalledthefamilytoattendprayers;Iattended,butpaidnoregardtowhathesaidinhisprayer,butcontinuedprayinginthosewordsofthePsalm。Oh,helpme,helpme!criedI,thouRedeemerofsouls,andsaveme,orIamgoneforever;thoucanstthisnight,ifthoupleasest,withonedropofthybloodatoneformysins,andappeasethewrathofanangryGod。AtthatinstantoftimewhenIgavealluptohimtodowithmeashepleased,andwaswillingthatGodshouldruleovermeathispleasure,redeeminglovebrokeintomysoulwithrepeatedscriptures,withsuchpowerthatmywholesoulseemedtobemelteddownwithlove,theburdenofguiltandcondemnationwasgone,darknesswasexpelled,myhearthumbledandfilledwithgratitude,andmywholesoul,thatwasafewminutesagogroaningundermountainsofdeath,andcryingtoanunknownGodforhelp,wasnowfilledwithimmortallove,soaringonthewingsoffaith,<215>freedfromthechainsofdeathanddarkness,andcryingout,MyLordandmyGod;thouartmyrockandmyfortress,myshieldandmyhightower,mylife,myjoy,mypresentandmyeverlastingportion。Lookingup,IthoughtIsawthatsamelight[hehadonmorethanonepreviousoccasionseensubjectivelyabrightblazeoflight],thoughitappeareddifferent;andassoonasIsawit,thedesignwasopenedtome,accordingtohispromise,andIwasobligedtocryout:Enough,enough,OblessedGod!Theworkofconversion,thechange,andthemanifestationsofitarenomoredisputablethanthatlightwhichIsee,oranythingthateverIsaw。 “Inthemidstofallmyjoys,inlessthanhalfanhouraftermysoulwassetatliberty,theLorddiscoveredtomemylaborintheministryandcalltopreachthegospel。Icriedout,Amen,Lord,I’llgo;sendme,sendme。Ispentthegreatestpartofthenightinecstasiesofjoy,praisingandadoringtheAncientofDaysforhisfreeandunboundedgrace。AfterIhadbeensolonginthistransportandheavenlyframethatmynatureseemedtorequiresleep,Ithoughttoclosemyeyesforafewmoments; thenthedevilsteppedin,andtoldmethatifIwenttosleep,I shouldloseitall,andwhenIshouldawakeinthemorningI wouldfindittobenothingbutafancyanddelusion。I immediatelycriedout,OLordGod,ifIamdeceived,undeceiveme。 “Ithenclosedmyeyesforafewminutes,andseemedtoberefreshedwithsleep;andwhenIawoke,thefirstinquirywas,WhereismyGod?Andinaninstantoftime,mysoulseemedawakeinandwithGod,andsurroundedbythearmsofeverlastinglove。 AboutsunriseIarosewithjoytorelatetomyparentswhatGodhaddoneformysoul,anddeclaredtothemthemiracleofGod’sunboundedgrace。ItookaBibletoshowthemthewordsthatwereimpressedbyGodonmysoultheeveningbefore;butwhenIcametoopentheBible,itappearedallnewtome。 “IsolongedtobeusefulinthecauseofChrist,inpreachingthegospel,thatitseemedasifIcouldnotrestanylonger,butgoImustandtellthewondersofredeeminglove。Ilostalltasteforcarnalpleasures,andcarnalcompany,andwasenabledtoforsakethem。”[120]