IcalledadayortwoafterwardsandfoundMrPontifexstillatBattersby，laidupwithoneofthoseattacksofliveranddepressiontowhichhewasbecomingmoreandmoresubject。Istayedtoluncheon。Theoldgentlemanwascrossandverydifficult；hecouldeatnothing——hadnoappetiteatall。Christinatriedtocoaxhimwithalittlebitofthefleshypartofamuttonchop。“HowinthenameofreasoncanIbeaskedtoeatamuttonchop？”heexclaimedangrily；“youforget，mydearChristina，thatyouhavetodealwithastomachthatistotallydisorganised。”andhepushedtheplatefromhim，poutingandfrowninglikeanaughtyoldchild。WritingasIdobythelightofalaterknowledge，IsupposeIshouldhaveseennothinginthisbuttheworld’sgrowingpains，thedisturbanceinseparablefromtransitioninhumanthings。Isupposeinrealitynotaleafgoesyellowinautumnwithoutceasingtocareaboutitssapandmakingtheparenttreeveryuncomfortablebylonggrowlingandgrumbling——butsurelynaturemightfindsomelessirritatingwayofcarryingonbusinessifshewouldgivehermindtoit。Whyshouldthegenerationsoverlaponeanotheratall？WhycannotwebeburiedaseggsinneatlittlecellswithtenortwentythousandpoundseachwrappedroundusinBankofEnglandnotes，andwakeup，asthesphexwaspdoes，tofindthatitspapaandmammahavenotonlyleftampleprovisionatitselbow，buthavebeeneatenbysparrowssomeweeksbeforeitbegantoliveconsciouslyonitsownaccount？
AboutayearandahalfafterwardsthetableswereturnedonBattersby——forMrsJohnPontifexwassafelydeliveredofaboy。A
yearorsolaterstill，GeorgePontifexwashimselfstruckdownsuddenlybyafitofparalysis，muchashismotherhadbeen，buthedidnotseetheyearsofhismother。Whenhiswillwasopened，itwasfoundthatanoriginalbequestof20，000poundstoTheobaldhimself(overandabovethesumthathadbeensettleduponhimandChristinaatthetimeofhismarriage)hadbeencutdownto17，500
poundswhenMrPontifexleft“something“toErnest。The“something“
provedtobe2500pounds，whichwastoaccumulateinthehandsoftrustees。TherestofthepropertywenttoJohnPontifex，exceptthateachofthedaughterswasleftwithabout15，000poundsoverandabove5000poundsapiecewhichtheyinheritedfromtheirmother。
Theobald’sfatherthenhadtoldhimthetruthbutnotthewholetruth。Nevertheless，whatrighthadTheobaldtocomplain？
Certainlyitwasratherhardtomakehimthinkthatheandhisweretobegainers，andgetthehonourandgloryofthebequest，whenallthetimethemoneywasvirtuallybeingtakenoutofTheobald’sownpocket。OntheotherhandthefatherdoubtlessarguedthathehadnevertoldTheobaldhewastohaveanythingatall；hehadafullrighttodowhathelikedwithhisownmoney；ifTheobaldchosetoindulgeinunwarrantableexpectationsthatwasnoaffairofhis；asitwashewasprovidingforhimliberally；andifhedidtake2500
poundsofTheobald’ssharehewasstillleavingittoTheobald’sson，which，ofcourse，wasmuchthesamethingintheend。
Noonecandenythatthetestatorhadstrictrightuponhisside；
neverthelessthereaderwillagreewithmethatTheobaldandChristinamightnothaveconsideredthechristeningdinnersogreatasuccessifallthefactshadbeenbeforethem。MrPontifexhadduringhisownlife-timesetupamonumentinElmhurstChurchtothememoryofhiswife(aslabwithurnsandcherubslikeillegitimatechildrenofKingGeorgetheFourth，andalltherestofit)，andhadleftspaceforhisownepitaphunderneaththatofhiswife。Idonotknowwhetheritwaswrittenbyoneofhischildren，orwhethertheygotsomefriendtowriteitforthem。Idonotbelievethatanysatirewasintended。IbelievethatitwastheintentiontoconveythatnothingshortoftheDayofJudgementcouldgiveanyoneanideahowgoodamanMrPontifexhadbeen，butatfirstIfoundithardtothinkthatitwasfreefromguile。
Theepitaphbeginsbygivingdatesofbirthanddeath；thensetsoutthatthedeceasedwasformanyyearsheadofthefirmofFairlieandPontifex，andalsoresidentintheparishofElmhurst。Thereisnotasyllableofeitherpraiseordispraise。Thelastlinesrunasfollows：-
Thismuch，however，wemaysayinthemeantime，thathavinglivedtobenearlyseventy-threeyearsoldanddiedrichhemusthavebeeninveryfairharmonywithhissurroundings。Ihavehearditsaidsometimesthatsuchandsuchaperson’slifewasalie：butnoman’slifecanbeaverybadlie；aslongasitcontinuesatallitisatworstnine-tenthsofittrue。
MrPontifex’slifenotonlycontinuedalongtime，butwasprosperousrightuptotheend。Isnotthisenough？Beinginthisworldisitnotourmostobviousbusinesstomakethemostofit——toobservewhatthingsdobonafidetendtolonglifeandcomfort，andtoactaccordingly？Allanimals，exceptman，knowthattheprincipalbusinessoflifeistoenjoyit——andtheydoenjoyitasmuchasmanandothercircumstanceswillallow。Hehasspenthislifebestwhohasenjoyeditmost；Godwilltakecarethatwedonotenjoyitanymorethanisgoodforus。IfMrPontifexistobeblameditisfornothavingeatenanddrunklessandthussufferedlessfromhisliver，andlivedperhapsayearortwolonger。
Goodnessisnaughtunlessittendstowardsoldageandsufficiencyofmeans。Ispeakbroadlyandexceptisexcipiendis。Sothepsalmistsays，“Therighteousshallnotlackanythingthatisgood。”
Eitherthisismerepoeticallicense，oritfollowsthathewholacksanythingthatisgoodisnotrighteous；thereisapresumptionalsothathewhohaspassedalonglifewithoutlackinganythingthatisgoodhashimselfalsobeengoodenoughforpracticalpurposes。
MrPontifexneverlackedanythinghemuchcaredabout。True，hemighthavebeenhappierthanhewasifhehadcaredaboutthingswhichhedidnotcarefor，butthegistofthisliesinthe“ifhehadcared。”Wehaveallsinnedandcomeshortofthegloryofmakingourselvesascomfortableasweeasilymighthavedone，butinthisparticularcaseMrPontifexdidnotcare，andwouldnothavegainedmuchbygettingwhathedidnotwant。
Thereisnocastingofswine’smeatbeforemenworsethanthatwhichwouldflattervirtueasthoughhertrueoriginwerenotgoodenoughforher，butshemusthavealineage，deducedasitwerebyspiritualheralds，fromsomestockwithwhichshehasnothingtodo。
Virtue’struelineageisolderandmorerespectablethananythatcanbeinventedforher。Shespringsfromman’sexperienceconcerninghisownwell-being——andthis，thoughnotinfallible，isstilltheleastfalliblethingwehave。Asystemwhichcannotstandwithoutabetterfoundationthanthismusthavesomethingsounstablewithinitselfthatitwilltoppleoveronwhateverpedestalweplaceit。
Theworldhaslongagosettledthatmoralityandvirtuearewhatbringmenpeaceatthelast。“Bevirtuous。”saysthecopy-book，“andyouwillbehappy。”Surelyifareputedvirtuefailsofteninthisrespectitisonlyaninsidiousformofvice，andifareputedvicebringsnoveryseriousmischiefonaman’slateryearsitisnotsobadaviceasitissaidtobe。Unfortunatelythoughweareallofamindaboutthemainopinionthatvirtueiswhattendstohappiness，andvicewhatendsinsorrow，wearenotsounanimousaboutdetails——thatistosayastowhetheranygivencourse，such，wewillsay，assmoking，hasatendencytohappinessorthereverse。
Isubmititastheresultofmyownpoorobservation，thatagooddealofunkindnessandselfishnessonthepartofparentstowardschildrenisnotgenerallyfollowedbyillconsequencestotheparentsthemselves。Theymaycastagloomovertheirchildren’slivesformanyyearswithouthavingtosufferanythingthatwillhurtthem。Ishouldsay，then，thatitshowsnogreatmoralobliquityonthepartofparentsifwithincertainlimitstheymaketheirchildren’slivesaburdentothem。
GrantedthatMrPontifex’swasnotaveryexaltedcharacter，ordinarymenarenotrequiredtohaveveryexaltedcharacters。Itisenoughifweareofthesamemoralandmentalstatureasthe“main“or“mean“partofmen——thatistosayastheaverage。
Itisinvolvedintheveryessenceofthingsthatrichmenwhodieoldshallhavebeenmean。Thegreatestandwisestofmankindwillbealmostalwaysfoundtobethemeanest——theoneswhohavekeptthe“mean“bestbetweenexcesseitherofvirtueorvice。Theyhardlyeverhavebeenprosperousiftheyhavenotdonethis，and，consideringhowmanymiscarryaltogether，itisnosmallfeatherinaman’scapifhehasbeennoworsethanhisneighbours。Homertellsusaboutsomeonewhomadeithisbusiness[Greektext]——
alwaystoexcelandtostandhigherthanotherpeople。Whatanuncompanionabledisagreeablepersonhemusthavebeen！Homer’sheroesgenerallycametoabadend，andIdoubtnotthatthisgentleman，whoeverhewas，didsosoonerorlater。
Averyhighstandard，again，involvesthepossessionofrarevirtues，andrarevirtuesarelikerareplantsoranimals，thingsthathavenotbeenabletoholdtheirownintheworld。Avirtuetobeserviceablemust，likegold，bealloyedwithsomecommonerbutmoredurablemetal。
Peopledivideoffviceandvirtueasthoughtheyweretwothings，neitherofwhichhadwithitanythingoftheother。Thisisnotso。
Thereisnousefulvirtuewhichhasnotsomealloyofvice，andhardlyanyvice，ifany，whichcarriesnotwithitalittledashofvirtue；virtueandvicearelikelifeanddeath，ormindandmatter——
thingswhichcannotexistwithoutbeingqualifiedbytheiropposite。Themostabsolutelifecontainsdeath，andthecorpseisstillinmanyrespectsliving；soalsoithasbeensaid，“Ifthou，Lord，wiltbeextremetomarkwhatisdoneamiss。”whichshowsthateventhehighestidealwecanconceivewillyetadmitsomuchcompromisewithviceasshallcountenancethepoorabusesofthetime，iftheyarenottoooutrageous。Thatvicepayshomagetovirtueisnotorious；wecallthishypocrisy；thereshouldbeawordfoundforthehomagewhichvirtuenotunfrequentlypays，oratanyratewouldbewiseinpaying，tovice。
Igrantthatsomemenwillfindhappinessinhavingwhatweallfeeltobeahighermoralstandardthanothers。Iftheygoinforthis，however，theymustbecontentwithvirtueasherownreward，andnotgrumbleiftheyfindloftyQuixotismanexpensiveluxury，whoserewardsbelongtoakingdomthatisnotofthisworld。Theymustnotwonderiftheycutapoorfigureintryingtomakethemostofbothworlds。DisbelieveaswemaythedetailsoftheaccountswhichrecordthegrowthoftheChristianreligion，yetagreatpartofChristianteachingwillremainastrueasthoughweacceptedthedetails。WecannotserveGodandMammon；straitisthewayandnarrowisthegatewhichleadstowhatthosewholivebyfaithholdtobebestworthhaving，andthereisnowayofsayingthisbetterthantheBiblehasdone。Itiswellthereshouldbesomewhothinkthus，asitiswellthereshouldbespeculatorsincommerce，whowilloftenburntheirfingers——butitisnotwellthatthemajorityshouldleavethe“mean“andbeatenpath。
Formostmen，andmostcircumstances，pleasure——tangiblematerialprosperityinthisworld——isthesafesttestofvirtue。Progresshaseverbeenthroughthepleasuresratherthanthroughtheextremesharpvirtues，andthemostvirtuoushaveleanedtoexcessratherthantoasceticism。Touseacommercialmetaphor，competitionissokeen，andthemarginofprofitshasbeencutdownsocloselythatvirtuecannotaffordtothrowanybonafidechanceaway，andmustbaseheractionratherontheactualmoneyingoutofconductthanonaflatteringprospectus。Shewillnotthereforeneglect——assomedowhoareprudentandeconomicalenoughinothermatters——theimportantfactorofourchanceofescapingdetection，oratanyrateofourdyingfirst。Areasonablevirtuewillgivethischanceitsduevalue，neithermorenorless。
