第56章

类别:其他 作者:Samuel Butler字数:4576更新时间:18/12/21 17:25:17
HehadcrossedhisRubicon——notperhapsveryheroicallyordramatically,butthenitisonlyindramasthatpeopleactdramatically。Atanyrate,byhookorbycrook,hehadscrambledover,andwasoutupontheotherside。Alreadyhethoughtofmuchwhichhewouldgladlyhavesaid,andblamedhiswantofpresenceofmind;but,afterall,itmatteredverylittle。Inclinedthoughhewastomakeverygreatallowancesforhisfatherandmother,hewasindignantattheirhavingthrustthemselvesuponhimwithoutwarningatamomentwhentheexcitementofleavingprisonwasalreadyasmuchashewasfitfor。Itwasameanadvantagetohavetakenoverhim,buthewasgladtheyhadtakenit,foritmadehimrealisemorefullythaneverthathisonechancelayinseparatinghimselfcompletelyfromthem。 Themorningwasgrey,andthefirstsignsofwinterfogwerebeginningtoshowthemselves,foritwasnowthe30thofSeptember。 Ernestworetheclothesinwhichhehadenteredprison,andwasthereforedressedasaclergyman。Noonewholookedathimwouldhaveseenanydifferencebetweenhispresentappearanceandhisappearancesixmonthspreviously;indeed,ashewalkedslowlythroughthedingycrowdedlanecalledEyreStreetHill(whichhewellknew,forhehadclericalfriendsinthatneighbourhood),themonthshehadpassedinprisonseemedtodropoutofhislife,andsopowerfullydidassociationcarryhimawaythat,findinghimselfinhisolddressandinhisoldsurroundings,hefeltdraggedbackintohisoldself——asthoughhissixmonthsofprisonlifehadbeenadreamfromwhichhewasnowwakingtotakethingsupashehadleftthem。Thiswastheeffectofunchangedsurroundingsupontheunchangedpartofhim。Buttherewasachangedpart,andtheeffectofunchangedsurroundingsuponthiswastomakeeverythingseemalmostasstrangeasthoughhehadneverhadanylifebuthisprisonone,andwasnowbornintoanewworld。 Allourliveslong,everydayandeveryhour,weareengagedintheprocessofaccommodatingourchangedandunchangedselvestochangedandunchangedsurroundings;living,infact,innothingelsethanthisprocessofaccommodation;whenwefailinitalittlewearestupid,whenwefailflagrantlywearemad,whenwesuspendittemporarilywesleep,whenwegiveuptheattemptaltogetherwedie。 Inquiet,uneventfullivesthechangesinternalandexternalaresosmallthatthereislittleornostrainintheprocessoffusionandaccommodation;inotherlivesthereisgreatstrain,butthereisalsogreatfusingandaccommodatingpower;inothersgreatstrainwithlittleaccommodatingpower。Alifewillbesuccessfulornotaccordingasthepowerofaccommodationisequaltoorunequaltothestrainoffusingandadjustinginternalandexternalchanges。 Thetroubleisthatintheendweshallbedriventoadmittheunityoftheuniversesocompletelyastobecompelledtodenythatthereiseitheranexternaloraninternal,butmustseeeverythingbothasexternalandinternalatoneandthesametime,subjectandobject——externalandinternal——beingunifiedasmuchaseverythingelse。Thiswillknockourwholesystemover,buttheneverysystemhasgottobeknockedoverbysomething。 Muchthebestwayoutofthisdifficultyistogoinforseparationbetweeninternalandexternal——subjectandobject——whenwefindthisconvenient,andunitybetweenthesamewhenwefindunityconvenient。Thisisillogical,butextremesarealonelogical,andtheyarealwaysabsurd,themeanisalonepracticableanditisalwaysillogical。Itisfaithandnotlogicwhichisthesupremearbiter。TheysayallroadsleadtoRome,andallphilosophiesthatIhaveeverseenleadultimatelyeithertosomegrossabsurdity,orelsetotheconclusionalreadymorethanonceinsistedoninthesepages,thatthejustshalllivebyfaith,thatistosaythatsensiblepeoplewillgetthroughlifebyruleofthumbastheymayinterpretitmostconvenientlywithoutaskingtoomanyquestionsforconsciencesake。Takeanyfact,andreasonuponittothebitterend,anditwillerelongleadtothisastheonlyrefugefromsomepalpablefolly。 Buttoreturntomystory。WhenErnestgottothetopofthestreetandlookedback,hesawthegrimy,sullenwallsofhisprisonfillinguptheendofit。Hepausedforaminuteortwo。“There。” hesaidtohimself,“IwashemmedinbyboltswhichIcouldseeandtouch;hereIambarredbyotherswhicharenonethelessreal—— povertyandignoranceoftheworld。Itwasnopartofmybusinesstotrytobreakthematerialboltsofironandescapefromprison,butnowthatIamfreeImustsurelyseektobreaktheseothers。” Hehadreadsomewhereofaprisonerwhohadmadehisescapebycuttinguphisbedsteadwithanironspoon。Headmiredandmarvelledattheman’smind,butcouldnoteventrytoimitatehim; inthepresenceofimmaterialbarriers,however,hewasnotsoeasilydaunted,andfeltasthough,evenifthebedwereironandthespoonawoodenone,hecouldfindsomemeansofmakingthewoodcuttheironsoonerorlater。 HeturnedhisbackuponEyreStreetHillandwalkeddownLeatherLaneintoHolborn。Eachstephetook,eachfaceorobjectthatheknew,helpedatoncetolinkhimontothelifehehadledbeforehisimprisonment,andatthesametimetomakehimfeelhowcompletelythatimprisonmenthadcuthislifeintotwoparts,theoneofwhichcouldbearnoresemblancetotheother。 HepasseddownFetterLaneintoFleetStreetandsototheTemple,towhichIhadjustreturnedfrommysummerholiday。Itwasabouthalfpastnine,andIwashavingmybreakfast,whenIheardatimidknockatthedoorandopenedittofindErnest。 IhadbeguntolikehimonthenightTowneleyhadsentforme,andonthefollowingdayIthoughthehadshapedwell。Ihadlikedhimalsoduringourinterviewinprison,andwantedtoseemoreofhim,sothatImightmakeupmymindabouthim。Ihadlivedlongenoughtoknowthatsomemenwhodogreatthingsintheendarenotverywisewhentheyareyoung;knowingthathewouldleaveprisononthe30th,Ihadexpectedhim,and,asIhadasparebedroom,pressedhimtostaywithme,tillhecouldmakeuphismindwhathewoulddo。 Beingsomucholderthanhewas,Ianticipatednotroubleingettingmyownway,buthewouldnothearofit。Theutmosthewouldassenttowasthatheshouldbemyguesttillhecouldfindaroomforhimself,whichhewouldsetaboutdoingatonce。 Hewasstillmuchagitated,butgrewbetterasheateabreakfast,notofprisonfareandinacomfortableroom。Itpleasedmetoseethedelighthetookinallabouthim;thefireplacewithafireinit;theeasychairs,theTimes,mycat,theredgeraniumsinthewindow,tosaynothingofcoffee,breadandbutter,sausages,marmalade,etc。Everythingwaspregnantwiththemostexquisitepleasuretohim。Theplanetreeswerefullofleafstill;hekeptrisingfromthebreakfasttabletoadmirethem;nevertillnow,hesaid,hadheknownwhattheenjoymentofthesethingsreallywas。 Heate,looked,laughedandcriedbyturns,withanemotionwhichI canneitherforgetnordescribe。 Hetoldmehowhisfatherandmotherhadlaininwaitforhim,ashewasabouttoleaveprison。Iwasfurious,andapplaudedhimheartilyforwhathehaddone。Hewasverygratefultomeforthis。 Otherpeople,hesaid,wouldtellhimheoughttothinkofhisfatherandmotherratherthanofhimself,anditwassuchacomforttofindsomeonewhosawthingsashesawthemhimself。EvenifI haddifferedfromhimIshouldnothavesaidso,butIwasofhisopinion,andwasalmostasmuchobligedtohimforseeingthingsasIsawthem,ashetomefordoingthesamekindofficebyhimself。 CordiallyasIdislikedTheobaldandChristina,IwasinsuchahopelessminorityintheopinionIhadformedconcerningthemthatitwaspleasanttofindsomeonewhoagreedwithme。 Thentherecameanawfulmomentforbothofus。 Aknock,asofavisitorandnotapostman,washeardatmydoor。 “Goodnessgracious。”Iexclaimed,“whydidn’twesporttheoak? Perhapsitisyourfather。Butsurelyhewouldhardlycomeatthistimeofday!Goatonceintomybedroom。” Iwenttothedoor,and,sureenough,therewerebothTheobaldandChristina。Icouldnotrefusetolettheminandwasobligedtolistentotheirversionofthestory,whichagreedsubstantiallywithErnest’s。Christinacriedbitterly——Theobaldstormed。Afterabouttenminutes,duringwhichIassuredthemthatIhadnotthefaintestconceptionwheretheirsonwas,Idismissedthemboth。I sawtheylookedsuspiciouslyuponthemanifestsignsthatsomeonewasbreakfastingwithme,andpartedfrommemoreorlessdefiantly,butIgotridofthem,andpoorErnestcameoutagain,lookingwhite,frightenedandupset。Hehadheardvoices,butnomore,anddidnotfeelsurethattheenemymightnotbegainingoverme。Wesportedtheoaknow,andbeforelonghebegantorecover。 Afterbreakfast,wediscussedthesituation。IhadtakenawayhiswardrobeandbooksfromMrsJupp’s,buthadlefthisfurniture,picturesandpiano,givingMrsJupptheuseofthese,sothatshemightletherroomfurnished,inlieuofchargefortakingcareofthefurniture。AssoonasErnestheardthathiswardrobewasathand,hegotoutasuitofclotheshehadhadbeforehehadbeenordained,andputitonatonce,much,asIthought,totheimprovementofhispersonalappearance。 Thenwewentintothesubjectofhisfinances。HehadhadtenpoundsfromPryeronlyadayortwobeforehewasapprehended,ofwhichbetweensevenandeightwereinhispursewhenheenteredtheprison。Thismoneywasrestoredtohimonleaving。Hehadalwayspaidcashforwhateverhebought,sothattherewasnothingtobedeductedfordebts。Besidesthis,hehadhisclothes,booksandfurniture。Hecould,asIhavesaid,havehad100poundsfromhisfatherifhehadchosentoemigrate,butthisbothErnestandI(forhebroughtmeroundtohisopinion)agreeditwouldbebettertodecline。Thiswasallheknewofasbelongingtohim。 Hesaidheproposedatoncetakinganunfurnishedtopbackatticinasquietahouseashecouldfind,sayatthreeorfourshillingsaweek,andlookingoutforworkasatailor。Ididnotthinkitmuchmatteredwhathebeganwith,forIfeltprettysurehewoulderelongfindhiswaytosomethingthatsuitedhim,ifhecouldgetastartwithanythingatall。Thedifficultywashowtogethimstarted。Itwasnotenoughthatheshouldbeabletocutoutandmakeclothes——thatheshouldhavetheorgans,sotospeak,ofatailor;hemustbeputintoatailor’sshopandguidedforalittlewhilebysomeonewhoknewhowandwheretohelphim。 Therestofthedayhespentinlookingforaroom,whichhesoonfound,andinfamiliarisinghimselfwithliberty。IntheeveningI