Ihavebeensadlydistrustfulofmyself，inthisdifficultand*Thepassagesomitted，hereandelsewhere，inMissHalcombe’sDiaryareonlythosewhichbearnoreferencetoMissFairlieortoanyofthepersonswithwhomsheisassociatedinthesepages。lamentablematter，eversinceIfoundoutmyownignoranceofthestrengthofLaura’sunhappyattachment。IoughttohaveknownthatthedelicacyandforbearanceandsenseofhonourwhichdrewmetopoorHartright，andmademesosincerelyadmireandrespecthim，werejustthequalitiestoappealmostirresistiblytoLaura’snaturalsensitivenessandnaturalgenerosityofnature。Andyet，untilsheopenedherhearttomeofherownaccord，Ihadnosuspicionthatthisnewfeelinghadtakenrootsodeeply。Ioncethoughttimeandcaremightremoveit。Inowfearthatitwillremainwithherandalterherforlife。ThediscoverythatIhavecommittedsuchanerrorinjudgmentasthismakesmehesitateabouteverythingelse。IhesitateaboutSirPercival，inthefaceoftheplainestproofs。IhesitateeveninspeakingtoLaura。
OnthisverymorningIdoubted，withmyhandonthedoor，whetherIshouldaskherthequestionsIhadcometoput，ornot。
WhenIwentintoherroomIfoundherwalkingupanddowningreatimpatience。
Shelookedflushedandexcited，andshecameforwardatonce，andspoketomebeforeIcouldopenmylips。
`Iwantedyou，’shesaid。`Comeandsitdownonthesofawithme。Marian！
Icanbearthisnolonger——Imustandwillendit。’
Therewastoomuchcolourinhercheeks，toomuchenergyinhermanner，toomuchfirmnessinhervoice。ThelittlebookofHartright’sdrawings——thefatalbookthatshewilldreamoverwheneversheisalone——wasinoneofherhands。Ibeganbygentlyandfirmlytakingitfromher，andputtingitoutofsightonaside-table。
`Tellmequietly，mydarling，whatyouwishtodo，’Isaid。`HasMrGilmorebeenadvisingyou？’
Sheshookherhead。`No，notinwhatIamthinkingofnow。Hewasverykindandgoodtome，Marian，andIamashamedtosayIdistressedhimbycrying。Iammiserablyhelpless——Ican’tcontrolmyself。Formyownsake，andforalloursakes，Imusthavecourageenoughtoendit。’
`Doyoumeancourageenoughtoclaimyourrelease？’Iasked。
`No，’shesaidsimply。`Courage，dear，totellthetruth。’
Sheputherarmsroundmyneck，andrestedherheadquietlyonmybosomOntheoppositewallhungtheminiatureportraitofherfather。Ibentoverher，andsawthatshewaslookingatitwhileherheadlayonmybreast。
`Icanneverclaimmyreleasefrommyengagement，’shewenton。`Whateverwayitendsitmustendwretchedlyforme。Alllcando，Marian，isnottoaddtheremembrancethatIhavebrokenmypromiseandforgottenmyfather’sdyingwords，tomakethatwretchednessworse。’
`Whatisityoupropose，then？’Iasked。
`TotellSirPercivalGlydethetruthwithmyownlips，’sheanswered。
`andtolethimreleaseme，ifhewill，notbecauseIaskhim，butbecauseheknowsall。’
`Whatdoyoumean，Laura，by``all’’？SirPercivalwillknowenough(hehastoldmesohimself)iiheknowsthattheengagementisopposedtoyourownwishes。’
`CanItellhimthat，whentheengagementwasmadeformebymyfather，withmyownconsent？Ishouldhavekeptmypromise，nothappily。Iamafraid，butstillcontentedly——’shestopped，turnedherfacetome，andlaidhercheekcloseagainstmine——`Ishouldhavekeptmyengagement，Marian，ifanotherlovehadnotgrownupinmyheart，whichwasnottherewhenIfirstpromisedtobeSirPercival’swife。’
`Laura！youwillneverloweryourselfbymakingaconfessiontohim？’
`Ishalllowermyself，indeed，ifIgainmyreleasebyhidingfromhimwhathehasarighttoknow。’
`Hehasnottheshadowofarighttoknowit！’
`Wrong，Marian，wrong！Ioughttodeceivenoone——leastofallthemantowhommyfathergaveme，andtowhomIgavemyself。’Sheputherlipstomine，andkissedme。`Myownlove，’shesaidsoftly，`youaresomuchtoofondofme，andsomuchtooproudofme，thatyouforget，inmycase，whatyouwouldrememberinyourown。BetterthatSirPercivalshoulddoubtmymotives，andmisjudgemyconductifhewill，thanthatIshouldbefirstfalsetohiminthought，andthenmeanenoughtoservemyowninterestsbyhidingthefalsehood。’
Iheldherawayfrommeinastonishment。Forthefirsttimeinourlifeswehadchangedplaces——theresolutionwasallonherside，thehesitationallonmine。Ilookedintothepale，quiet，resignedyoungface——Isawthepure，innocentheart，inthelovingeyesthatlookedbackatme——
andthepoorworldlycautionsandobjectionsthatrosetomylipsdwindledanddiedawayintheirownemptiness。Ihungmyheadinsilence。Inherplacethedespicablysmallpridewhichmakessomanywomendeceitfulwouldhavebeenmypride，andwouldhavemademedeceitfultoo。
`Don’tbeangrywithme，Marian，’shesaid，mistakingmysilence。
Ionlyansweredbydrawingherclosetomeagain。IwasafraidofcryingifIspoke。Mytearsdonotflowsoeasilyastheyought——theycomealmostlikemen’stears，withsobsthatseemtotearmeinpieces，andthatfrighteneveryoneaboutme。
`Ihavethoughtofthis，love，formanydays，’shewenton，twiningandtwistingmyhairwiththatchildishrestlessnessinherfingers，whichPoorMrsVeseystilltriessopatientlyandsovainlytocureherof——
`Ihavethoughtofitveryseriously，andIcanbesureofmycouragewhenmyownconsciencetellsmeIamright。Letmespeaktohimtomorrow——
inyourpresence，Marian。Iwillsaynothingthatiswrong，nothingthatyouorIneedbeashamedof——but，oh，itwilleasemyheartsotoendthismiserableconcealment！OnlyletmeknowandfeelthatIhavenodeceptiontoanswerforonmyside，andthen，whenhehasheardwhatIhavetosay，lethimacttowardsmeashewill。’
Shesighed，andputherheadbackinitsoldpositiononmybosom。Sadmisgivingsaboutwhattheendwouldbeweigheduponmymind，butstilldistrustingmyself，ItoldherthatIwoulddoasshewished。Shethankedme，andwepassedgraduallyintotalkingofotherthings。
Atdinnershejoinedusagain，andwasmoreeasyandmoreherselfwithSirPercivalthanIhaveseenheryet。Intheeveningshewenttothepiano，choosingnewmusicofthedexterous，tuneless，floridkind。ThelovelyoldmelodiesofMozart，whichpoorHartrightwassofondof，shehasneverplayedsinceheleft。Thebookisnolongerinthemusic-stand。Shetookthevolumeawayherself，sothatnobodymightfinditoutandaskhertoplayfromit。
Ihadnoopportunityofdiscoveringwhetherherpurposeofthemorninghadchangedornot，untilshewishedSirPercivalgood-night——andthenherownwordsinformedmethatitwasunaltered。Shesaid，veryquietly，thatshewishedtospeaktohimafterbreakfast，andthathewouldfindherinhersitting-roomwithme。Hechangedcolouratthosewords，andIfelthishandtremblingalittlewhenitcametomyturntotakeit。
Theeventofthenextmorningwoulddecidehisfuturelife，andheevidentlyknewit。
Iwentin，asusual，throughthedoorbetweenourtwobedrooms，tobidLauragood-nightbeforeshewenttosleep。InstoopingoverhertokissherIsawthelittlebookofHartright’sdrawingshalfhiddenunderherpillow，justintheplacewheresheusedtohideherfavouritetoyswhenshewasachild。Icouldnotfinditinmyhearttosayanything，butI
pointedtothebookandshookmyhead。Shereachedbothhandsuptomycheeks，anddrewmyfacedowntoherstillourlipsmet。
`Leaveittheretonight，’shewhispered：`tomorrowmaybecruel，andmaymakemesaygood-byetoitforever。’
9th——Thefirsteventofthemorningwasnotofakindtoraisemyspirits——aletterarrivedformefrompoorWalterHartright。ItistheanswertominedescribingthemannerinwhichSirPercivalclearedhimselfofthesuspicionsraisedbyAnneCatherine’sletter。HewritesshortlyandbitterlyaboutSirPercival’sexplanations，onlycarryingthathehasnorighttoofferanopinionontheconductofthosewhoareabovehim。
Thisissad，buthisoccasionalreferencestohimselfgrievemestillmore。
Hesaysthattheefforttoreturntohisoldhabitsandpursuitsgrowsharderinsteadofeasiertohimeveryday，andheimploresme，ifIhaveanyinterest，toexertittogethimemploymentthatwillnecessitatehisabsencefromEngland，andtakehimamongnewscenesandnewpeople。Ihavebeenmadeallthereadiertocomplywiththisrequestbyapassageattheendofhisletter，whichhasalmostalarmedme。
AftermentioningthathehasneitherseennorheardanythingofAnneCatherick，hesuddenlybreaksoff，andhintsinthemostabrupt，mysteriousmanner，thathehasbeenperpetuallywatchedandfollowedbystrangemeneversincehereturnedtoLondon。Heacknowledgesthathecannotprovethisextraordinarysuspicionbyfixingonanyparticularpersons，buthedeclaresthatthesuspicionitselfispresenttohimnightandday。Thishasfrightenedme，becauseitlooksasifhisonefixedideaaboutLaurawasbecomingtoomuchforhismind。Iwillwriteimmediatelytosomeofmymother’sinfluentialoldfriendsinLondon，andpresshisclaimsontheirnotice。Changeofsceneandchangeofoccupationmayreallybethesalvationofhimatthiscrisisinhislife。
Greatlytomyrelief，SirPercivalsentanapologyfornotjoiningusatbreakfast。Hehadtakenanearlycupofcoffeeinhisownroom，andhewasstillengagedthereinwritingletters。Ateleveno’clock，ifthathourwasconvenient，hewoulddohimselfthehonourofwaitingonMissFairlieandMissHalcombe。
MyeyeswereonLaura’sfacewhilethemessagewasbeingdelivered。
Ihadfoundherunaccountablyquietandcomposedongoingintoherroominthemorning，andsosheremainedallthroughbreakfast。Evenwhenweweresittingtogetheronthesofainherroom，waitingforSirPercival，shestillpreservedherself-control。
