Thereisreallynoneedtothreatenme。Shatteredbymymiserablehealthandmyfamilytroubles，Iamincapableofresistance。Ifyouinsist，youtakeyourunjustadvantageofme，andIgivewayimmediately。IwillendeavourtorememberwhatIcan(underprotest)，andtowritewhatIcan(alsounderprotest)，andwhatIcan’trememberandcan’twrite，Louismustrememberandwriteforme。Heisanass，andIamaninvalid，andwearelikelytomakeallsortsofmistakesbetweenus。Howhumiliating！
Iamtoldtorememberdates。Goodheavens！Ineverdidsuchathinginmylife——howamItobeginnow？
IhaveaskedLouis。HeisnotquitesuchanassasIhavehithertosupposed。
Heremembersthedateoftheevent。withinaweekortwo——andIrememberthenameoftheperson。ThedatewastowardstheendofJune，orthebeginningofJuly，andthename(inmyopinionaremarkablyvulgarone)wasFanny。
AttheendofJune，orthebeginningofJuly，then，Iwasreclininginmycustomarystate，surroundedbythevariousobjectsofArtwhichI
havecollectedaboutmetoimprovethetasteofthebarbarouspeopleinmyneighbourhood。Thatistosay，Ihadthephotographsofmypictures，andprints，andcoins，andsoforth，allaboutme，whichIintend，oneofthesedays，topresent(thephotographs，Imean，iftheclumsyEnglishlanguagewillletmemeananything)——topresenttotheinstitutionatCarlisle(horridplace！)，withaviewtoimprovingthetastesofthemembers(GothsandVandalstoaman)。Itmightbesupposedthatagentlemanwhowasincourseofconferringagreatnationalbenefitonhiscountrymenwasthelastgentlemanintheworldtobeunfeelinglyworriedaboutprivatedifficultiesandfamilyaffairs。Quiteamistake，Iassureyou，inmycase。
However，thereIwas，reclining，withmyart-treasuresaboutme，andwantingaquietmorning。BecauseIwantedaquietmorning，ofcourseLouiscamein。ItwasperfectlynaturalthatIshouldinquirewhatthedeucehemeantbymakinghisappearancewhenIhadnotrungmybell。Iseldomswear——itissuchanungentlemanlikehabit——butwhenLouisansweredbyagrin，IthinkitwasalsoperfectlynaturalthatIshoulddamnhimforgrinning。Atanyrate，Idid。
Thisrigorousmodeoftreatment，Ihaveobserved，invariablybringspersonsinthelowerclassoflifetotheirsenses。ItbroughtLouistohissenses。Hewassoobligingastoleaveoffgrinning，andinformmethataYoungPersonwasoutsidewantingtoseeme。Headded(withtheodioustalkativenessofservants)，thathernamewasFanny。
`WhoisFanny？’
`LadyGlyde’smaid，sir？’
`WhatdoesLadyGlyde’smaidwantwithme？’
`Aletter，sir-’
`Takeit。’
`Sherefusestogiveittoanybodybutyou，sir。’
`Whosendstheletter？’
`MissHalcombe，sir。’
ThemomentIheardMissHalcombe’snameIgaveup。ItisahabitofminealwaystogiveuptoMissHalcombe。Ifind，byexperience，thatitsavesnoise。Igaveuponthisoccasion。DearMarian！
`LetLadyGlyde’smaidcomein。Louis。Stop！Dohershoescreak？’
Iwasobligedtoaskthequestion。Creakingshoesinvariablyupsetmefortheday。IwasresignedtoseetheYoungPerson，butIwasnotresignedtolettheYoungPerson’sshoesupsetme。Thereisalimiteventomyendurance。
Louisaffirmeddistinctlythathershoesweretobedependedupon。I
wavedmyhand。Heintroducedher。Isitnecessarytosaythatsheexpressedhersenseofembarrassmentbyshuttinguphermouthandbreathingthroughhernose？Tothestudentoffemalehumannatureinthelowerorders，surelynot。
Letmedothegirljustice。Hershoesdidnotcreak。ButwhydoYoungPersonsinserviceallperspireatthehands？Whyhavetheyallgotfatnosesandhardcheeks？Andwhyaretheirfacessosadlyunfinished，especiallyaboutthecornersoftheeyelids？Iamnotstrongenoughtothinkdeeplymyselfonanysubject，butIappealtoprofessionalmen，whoare。WhyhavewenovarietyinourbreedofYoungPersons？
`Youhavealetterforme，fromMissHalcombe？Putitdownonthetable，please，anddon’tupsetanything。HowisMissHalcombe？’
`Verywell，thankyou，sir。’
`AndLadyGlyde？’
Ireceivednoanswer。TheYoungPerson’sfacebecamemoreunfinishedthanever，andIthinkshebegantocry。Icertainlysawsomethingmoistabouthereyes。Tearsorperspiration？Louis(whomIhavejustconsulted)
isinclinedtothink，tears。Heisinherclassoflife，andheoughttoknowbest。Letussay，tears。
ExceptwhentherefiningprocessofArtjudiciouslyremovesfromthemallresemblancetoNature，Idistinctlyobjecttotears。TearsarescientificallydescribedasaSecretion。Icanunderstandthatasecretionmaybehealthyorunhealthy，butIcannotseetheinterestofasecretionfromasentimentalpointofview。Perhapsmyownsecretionsbeingallwrongtogether，Iamalittleprejudicedonthesubject。Nomatter。Ibehaved，onthisoccasion，withallpossibleproprietyandfeeling。IclosedmyeyesandsaidtoLouis——
`Endeavourtoascertainwhatshemeans。’
Louisendeavoured，andtheYoungPersonendeavoured。TheysucceededinconfusingeachothertosuchanextentthatIamboundincommongratitudetosaytheyreallyamusedme。IthinkIshallsendforthemagainwhenIaminlowspirits。IhavejustmentionedthisideatoLouis。Strangetosay，itseemstomakehimuncomfortable。Poordevil！
SurelyIamnotexpectedtorepeatmyniece’smaid’sexplanationofhertears，interpretedintheEnglishofmySwissvalet？Thethingismanifestlyimpossible。Icangivemyownimpressionsandfeelingsperhaps。Willthatdoaswell？Pleasesay，Yes。
Myideaisthatshebeganbytellingme(throughLouis)thathermasterhaddismissedherfromhermistress’sservice。(Observe，throughout，thestrangeirrelevancyoftheYoungPerson。Wasitmyfaultthatshehadlostherplace？)Onherdismissal，shehadgonetotheinntosleep。(Idon’tkeeptheinn——whymentionittome？)Betweensiro’clockandsevenMissHalcombehadcometosaygood-bye，andhadgivenhertwoletters，oneforme，andoneforagentlemaninLondon。(IamnotagentlemaninLondon——hangthegentlemaninLondon！)Shehadcarefullyputthetwolettersintoherbosom(whathaveItodowithherbosom？)；shehadbeenveryunhappy，whenMissHalcombehadgoneawayagain；shehadnothadthehearttoputbitordropbetweenherlipstillitwasnearbedtime，andthen，whenitwascloseonnineo’clock，shehadthoughtsheshouldlikeacupoftea。
(AmIresponsibleforanyofthesevulgarfluctuations，whichbeginwithunhappinessandendwithtea？)rustasshewaswarmingthepot(IgivethewordsontheauthorityofLouis，whosaysheknowswhattheymean，andwishestoexplain，butIsnubhimonprinciple)——justasshewaswarmingthepotthedooropened，andshewasstruckofaheap(herownwordsagain，andperfectlyunintelligiblethistimetoLouis，aswellastomyself)bytheappearanceintheinnparlourofherladyshiptheCountess。
Igivemyniece’smaid’sdescriptionofmysister’stitlewithasenseofthehighestrelish。Mypoordearsisterisatiresomewomanwhomarriedaforeigner。Toresume：thedooropened，herladyshiptheCountessappearedintheparlour，andtheYoungPersonwasstruckofaheap。Mostremarkable！
ImustreallyrestalittlebeforeIcangetonanyfarther。WhenI
havereclinedforafewminutes，withmyeyesclosed，andwhenLouishasrefreshedmypoorachingtempleswithalittleeau-de-Cologne，Imaybeabletoproceed。
HerladyshiptheCountess——
No。Iamabletoproceed，butnottositup。Iwillreclineanddictate。
Louishasahorridaccent，butheknowsthelanguage，andcanwrite。Howveryconvenient！
Herladyship，theCountess，explainedherunexpectedappearanceattheinnbytellingFannythatshehadcometobringoneortwolittlemessageswhichMissHalcombeinherhurryhadforgotten。TheYoungPersonthereuponwaitedanxiouslytohearwhatthemessageswere，buttheCountessseemeddisinclinedtomentionthem(solikemysister’stiresomeway！)untilFannyhadhadhertea。Herladyshipwassurprisinglykindandthoughtfulaboutit(extremelyunlikemysister)，andsaid，`Iamsure，mypoorgirl，youmustwantyourtea。Wecanletthemessageswaittillafterwards。Come，come，ifnothingelsewillputyouatyourease，I’llmaketheteaandhaveacupwithyou。’Ithinkthosewerethewords，asreportedexcitably，inmypresence，bytheYoungPerson。Atanyrate，theCountessinsistedonmakingthetea，andcarriedherridiculousostentationofhumilitysofarastotakeonecupherself，andtoinsistonthegirl’stakingtheother。Thegirldrankthetea，andaccordingtoherownaccount，solemnisedtheextraordinaryoccasionfiveminutesafterwardsbyfaintingdeadawayforthefirsttimeinherlife。HereagainIuseherownwords。Louisthinkstheywereaccompaniedbyanincreasedsecretionoftears。Ican’tsaymyself。
TheeffortoflisteningbeingquiteasmuchasIcouldmanage，myeyeswereclosed。
WheredidIleaveoff？Ah，yes——shefaintedafterdrinkingacupofteawiththeCountess——aproceedingwhichmighthaveinterestedmeifIhadbeenhermedicalman，butbeingnothingofthesortIfeltboredbyhearingofit，nothingmore。Whenshecametoherselfinhalfanhourstimeshewasonthesofa，andnobodywaswithherbutthelandlady。TheCountess，findingittoolatetoremainanylongerattheinn，hadgoneawayassoonasthegirlshowedsignsofrecovering，andthelandladyhadbeengoodenoughtohelpherupstairstobed。
