WhatelsewasItodo？Iwaslefthelpless，withtheprospectofacomingincumbranceintheshapeofachild。WhatelsewasItodo？Castmyselfonthemercyofmyrunawayidiotofahusbandwhohadraisedthescandalagainstme？Iwouldhavediedfirst。Besides，theallowancewasahandsomeone。Ihadabetterincome，abetterhouseovermyhead，bettercarpetsonmyfloors，thanhalfthewomenwhoturnedupthewhitesoftheireyesatthesightofme。ThedressofVirtue，inourparts，wascottonprint。
Ihadsilk。
SoIacceptedtheconditionsheofferedme，andmadethebestofthem，andfoughtmybattlewithmyrespectableneighboursontheirownground，andwonitincourseoftime——asyousawyourself。HowIkepthisSecret(andmine)throughalltheyearsthathavepassedfromthattimetothis，andwhethermylatedaughter，Anne，everreallycreptintomyconfidence，andgotthekeepingoftheSecrettoo——arequestions，Idaresay，towhichyouarecurioustofindananswer。Well！mygratituderefusesyounothing。Iwillturntoafreshpageandgiveyoutheanswerimmediately。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]WomaninWhite：Chapter36[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]Chapter36Butyoumustexcuseonething——youmustexcusemybeginning，MrHartright，withanexpressionofsurpriseattheinterestwhichyouappeartohavefeltinmylatedaughter。Itisquiteunaccountabletome。Ifthatinterestmakesyouanxiousforanyparticularsofherearlylife，ImustreferyoutoMrsClements，whoknowsmoreofthesubjectthanIdo。PrayunderstandthatIdonotprofesstohavebeenatallover-fondofmylatedaughter。
Shewasaworrytomefromfirsttolast，withtheadditionaldisadvantageofbeingalwaysweakinthehead。Youlikecandour，andIhopethissatisfiesyou。
ThereisnoneedtotroubleyouwithmanypersonalparticularsrelatingtothosePasttimes。ItwillbeenoughtosaythatIobservedthetermsofthebargainonmyside，andthatIenjoyedmycomfortableincomeinreturn，paidquarterly。
NowandthenIgotawayandchangedthesceneforashorttime，alwaysaskingleaveofmylordandmasterfirst，andgenerallygettingit。Hewasnot，asIhavealreadytoldyou，foolenoughtodrivemetoohard，andhecouldreasonablyrelyonmyholdingmytongueformyownsake，ifnotforhis。OneofmylongesttripsawayfromhomewasthetripItooktoLimmeridgetonurseahalf-sisterthere，whowasdying。Shewasreportedtohavesavedmoney，andIthoughtitaswell(incaseanyaccidenthappenedtostopmyallowance)tolookaftermyowninterestsinthatdirection。
Asthingsturnedout，however，mypainswereallthrownaway，andIgotnothing，becausenothingwastobehad。
IhadtakenAnnetothenorthwithme，havingmywhimsandfancies，occasionally，aboutmychild，andgetting，atsuchtimes，jealousofMrsClements’influenceoverher。IneverlikedMrsClements。Shewasapoor，empty-headed，spiritlesswoman——whatyoucallaborndrudge——andI
wasnowandthennotaversetoplaguingherbytakingAnneaway。NotknowingwhatelsetodowithmygirlwhileIwasnursinginCumberland，IputhertoschoolatLimmeridge。Theladyofthemanor，MrsFairlie(aremarkablyplain-lookingwoman，whohadentrappedoneofthehandsomestmeninEnglandintomarryingher)，amusedmewonderfullybytakingaviolentfancytomygirl。Theconsequencewas，shelearntnothingatschool，andwaspettedandspoiltatLimmeridgeHouse。Amongotherwhimsandfancieswhichtheytaughtherthere，theyputsomenonsenseintoherheadaboutalwayswearingwhite。Hatingwhiteandlikingcoloursmyself，Ideterminedtotakethenonsenseoutofherheadassoonaswegothomeagain。
Strangetosay，mydaughterresolutelyresistedme。Whenshehadgotanotiononcefixedinhermindshewas，likeotherhalfwittedpeople，asobstinateasamuleinkeepingit。Wequarrelledfinely，andMrsClements，notlikingtoseeit，Isuppose，offeredtotakeAnneawaytoliveinLondonwithher。IshouldhavesaidYes，ifMrsClementshadnotsidedwithmydaughteraboutherdressingherselfinwhite。Butbeingdeterminedsheshouldnotdressherselfinwhite，anddislikingMrsClementsmorethaneverfortakingpartagainstme，IsaidNo，andmeantNo，andstucktoNo。Theconsequencewas，mydaughterremainedwithme，andtheconsequenceofthat，initsturn，wasthefirstseriousquarrelthathappenedabouttheSecret。
ThecircumstancetookplacelongafterthetimeIhavejustbeenwritingof。Ihadbeensettledforyearsinthenewtown，andwassteadilylivingdownmybadcharacterandslowlygaininggroundamongtherespectableinhabitants。
Ithelpedmeforwardgreatlytowardsthisobjecttohavemydaughterwithme。Herharmlessnessandherfancyfordressinginwhiteexcitedacertainamountofsympathy。Ileftoffopposingherfavouritewhimonthataccount，becausesomeofthesympathywassure，incourseoftime，tofalltomyshare。Someofitdidfall。Idatemygettingachoiceofthetwobestsittingstoletinthechurchfromthattime，andIdatetheclergyman’sfirstbowfrommygettingthesittings。
Well，beingsettledinthisway，Ireceivedaletteronemorningfromthathighlyborngentleman(nowdeceased)inanswertooneofmine，warninghim，accordingtoagreement，ofmywishingtoleavethetownforalittlechangeofairandscene。
Theruffianlysideofhimmusthavebeenuppermost，Isuppose，whenhegotmyletter，forhewroteback，refusingmeinsuchabominablyinsolentlanguage，thatIlostallcommandovermyself，andabusedhim，inmydaughter’spresence，as`alowimposterwhomIcouldruinforlifeifIchosetoopenmylipsandletouthisSecret。’Isaidnomoreabouthimthanthat，beingbroughttomysensesassoonasthosewordshadescapedmebythesightofmydaughter’sfacelookingeagerlyandcuriouslyatmine。IinstantlyorderedheroutoftheroomuntilIhadcomposedmyselfagain。
Mysensationswerenotpleasant，Icantellyou，whenIcametoreflectonmyownfolly。Annehadbeenmorethanusuallycrazyandqueerthatyear，andwhenIthoughtofthechancetheremightbeofherrepeatingmywordsinthetown，andmentioninghisnameinconnectionwiththem，ifinquisitivepeoplegotholdofher，Iwasfinelyterrifiedatthepossibleconsequences。
Myworstfearsformyself，myworstdreadofwhathemightdo，ledmenofartherthanthis。Iwasquiteunpreparedforwhatreallydidhappenonlythenextday。
Onthatnextday，withoutanywarningtometoexpecthim，hecametothehouse。
Hisfirstwords，andthetoneinwhichhespokethem，surlyasitwas，showedmeplainlyenoughthathehadrepentedalreadyofhisinsolentanswertomyapplication，andthathehadcomeinamightyhadtempertotryandsetmattersrightagainbeforeitwastoolate。Seeingmydaughterintheroomwithme(Ihadbeenafraidtoletheroutofmysightafterwhathadhappenedthedaybefore)heorderedheraway。Theyneitherofthemlikedeachother，andheventedtheill-temperonherwhichhewasafraidtoshowtome。
`Leaveus，’hesaid，lookingatheroverhisshoulder。Shelookedbackoverhershoulderandwaitedasifshedidn’tcaretogo。`Doyouhear？’
heroaredout，`leavetheroom。’`Speaktomecivilly，’saysshe，gettingredintheface。`Turntheidiotout，’sayshe，lookingmyway。Shehadalwayshadcrazynotionsofherownaboutherdignity，andthatword`idiot’
upsetherinamoment。BeforeIcouldinterfereshesteppeduptohiminafinepassion。`Begmypardon，directly，’saysshe，`orI’llmakeittheworseforyou。I’llletoutyourSecret。IcanruinyouforlifeifIchoosetoopenmylips。’Myownwords！——repeatedexactlyfromwhatIhadsaidthedaybefore——repeated，inhispresence，asiftheyhadcomefromherself。
Hesatspeechless，aswhiteasthepaperIamwritingon，whileIpushedheroutoftheroom。Whenherecoveredhimself——
No！Iamtoorespectableawomantomentionwhathesaidwhenherecoveredhimself。Mypenisthepenofamemberoftherector’scongregation，andasubscribertothe`WednesdayLecturesonjustificationbyFaith’——howcanyouexpectmetoemployitinwritingbadlanguage？Suppose，foryourself，theraging，swearingfrenzyofthelowestruffianinEngland，andletusgetontogether，asfastasmaybe，tothewayinwhichitallended。
Itended，asyouprobablyguessbythistime，inhisinsistingonsecuringhisownsafetybyshuttingherup。
Itriedtosetthingsright。Itoldhimthatshehadmerelyrepeated，likeaparrot，thewordsshehadheardmesayandthatsheknewnoparticularswhatever，becauseIhadmentionednone。Iexplainedthatshehadaffected，outofcrazyspiteagainsthim，toknowwhatshereallydidnotknow——
thatsheonlywantedtothreatenhimandaggravatehimforspeakingtoherashehadjustspoken——adthatmyunluckywordsgaveherjustthechanceofdoingmischiefofwhichshewasinsearch。Ireferredhimtootherqueerwaysofhers，andtohisownexperienceofthevagariesofhalf-wittedpeople——itwasalltonopurpose——hewouldnotbelievemeonmyoath——hewasabsolutelycertainIhadbetrayedthewholeSecret。
Inshort，hewouldhearofnothingbutshuttingherup。
Underthesecircumstances，Ididmydutyasamother。`NopauperAsylum，’
Isaid，`Iwon’thaveherputinapauperAsylum。APrivateEstablishment，ifyouplease。Ihavemyfeelingsasamother，andmycharactertopreserveinthetown，andIwillsubmittonothingbutaPrivateEstablishment，ofthesortwhichmygenteelneighbourswouldchooseforafflictedrelativesoftheirown。’Thoseweremywords。ItisgratifyingtometoreflectthatIdidmyduty。Thoughneveroverfondofmylatedaughter，Ihadaproperprideabouther。Nopauperstain——thankstomyfirmnessandresolution——everrestedonMychild。
Havingcarriedmypoint(whichIdidthemoreeasily，inconsequenceofthefacilitiesofferedbyprivateAsylums)，Icouldnotrefusetoadmitthattherewerecertainadvantagesgainedbyshuttingherup。Inthefirstplace，shewastakenexcellentcareof——beingtreated(asItookcaretomentioninthetown)onthefootingofalady。Inthesecondplace，shewaskeptawayfromWelmingham，whereshemighthavesetpeoplesuspectingandinquiring，byrepeatingmyownincautiouswords。
Theonlydrawbackofputtingherunderrestraintwasaveryslightone。
WemerelyturnedheremptyboastaboutknowingtheSecretintoafixeddelusion。Havingfirstspokeninsheercrazyspitefulnessagainstthemanwhohadoffendedher，shewascunningenoughtoseethatshehadseriouslyfrightenedhim，andsharpenoughafterwardstodiscoverthathewasconcernedinshuttingherup。Theconsequencewassheflamedoutintoaperfectfrenzyofpassionagainsthim，goingtotheAsylum，andthefistwordsshesaidtothenurses，aftertheyhadquietedher，were，thatshewasputinconfinementforknowinghisSecret，andthatshemeanttoopenherlipsandruinhim，whentherighttimecame。
