Iwasalmostsickwithpassion，butRachelwasnowatthedoor：
Ipointedtothechildren，forIcouldnottrustmyselftospeak：shetookthemaway，andIfollowed。
`Willyou，Helen？’continuedthespeaker。
Igaveheralookthatblightedthemalicioussmileonherface——orcheckedit，atleastforamoment——anddeparted。IntheanteroomImetMr。Hargrave。HesawIwasinnohumourtobespokento，andsufferedmetopasswithoutaword；butwhen，afterafewminutes“seclusioninthelibrary，Ihadregainedmycomposure，andwasreturning，tojoinMrs。HargraveandMilicent，whomIhadjustheardcomedownstairsandgointothedrawing-room，——I
foundhimtherestill，lingeringinthedimlylightedapartment，andevidentlywaitingforme。
`Mrs。Huntingdon，’saidheasIpassed，`willyouallowmeoneword？’
`Whatisitthen？——bequickifyouplease。’
`Ioffendedyouthismorning；andIcannotliveunderyourdispleasure。’
`Then，go，andsinnomore。”repliedI，turningaway。
`No，no！’saidhehastily，settinghimselfbeforeme——`pardonme，butImusthaveyourforgiveness。Ileaveyouto-morrow，andImaynothaveanopportunityofspeakingtoyouagain。Iwaswrong，toforgetmyself——andyou，asIdid；butletmeimploreyoutoforgetandforgivemyrashpresumption，andthinkofmeasifthosewordshadneverbeenspoken；
for，believeme，Iregretthemdeeply，andthelossofyouresteemistoosevereapenalty——Icannotbearit。’
`Forgetfulnessisnottobepurchasedwithawish；andIcannotbestowmyesteemonallwhodesireit，unlesstheydeserveittoo。’
`Ishallthinkmylifewellspentinlabouringtodeserveit，ifyouwillbutpardonthisoffence——Willyou？’
`Yes。’
`Yes？butthatiscoldlyspoken。GivemeyourhandandI’llbelieveyou——Youwon’t？Then，Mrs。Huntingdon，youdonotforgiveme！’
`Yes——hereitis，andmyforgivenesswithit：only——sinnomore。’
Hepressedmycoldhandwithsentimentalfervour，butsaidnothing，andstoodasidetoletmepassintotheroom，whereallthecompanywerenowassembled。Mr。Grimsbywasseatednearthedoor：onseeingmeenteralmostimmediatelyfollowedbyHargrave，heleeredatme，withaglanceofintolerablesignificance，asIpassed。Ilookedhimintheface，tillhesullenlyturnedaway，ifnotashamed，atleastconfoundedforthemoment。
Meantime，HattersleyhadseizedHargravebythearm，andwaswhisperingsomethinginhisear——somecoarsejoke，nodoubt，forthelatterneitherlaughednorspokeinanswer，but，turningfromhimwithaslightcurlofthelip，disengagedhimselfandwenttohismother，who`wastellingLordLowboroughhowmanyreasonsshehadtobeproudofherson。
ThankHeaven，theyareallgoingto-morrow。
TheTenantofWildfellHall：Chapter36CHAPTERXXXVIDUALSOLITUDEDecember20th，1824——Thisisthethirdanniversaryofourfelicitousunion。
Itisnowtwomonthssinceourguestsleftustotheenjoymentofeachother’ssociety；andIhavehadnineweeks’experienceofthisnewphaseofconjugallife——twopersonslivingtogether，asmasterandmistressofthehouse，andfatherandmotherofawinsome，merrylittlechild，withthemutualunderstandingthatthereisnolove，friendship，orsympathybetweenthem。Asfarasinmelies，Iendeavourtolivepeaceablywithhim：Itreathimwithunimpeachablecivility，giveupmyconveniencetohis，whereveritmayreasonablybedone，andconsulthiminabusiness-likewayonhouseholdaffairs，deferringtohispleasureandjudgment，evenwhenIknowthelattertobeinferiortomyown。
Asforhim：forthefirstweekortwo，hewaspeevishandlow——fretting，Isuppose，overhisdearAnnabella’sdepartureandparticularlyill-temperedtome：everythingIdidwaswrong；Iwascold-hearted，hard，insensate；
mysour，palefacewasperfectlyrepulsive；myvoicemadehimshudder；
heknewnothowhecouldlivethroughthewinterwithme；Ishouldkillhimbyinches。AgainIproposedaseparation，butitwouldnotdo：hewasnotgoingtobethetalkofalltheoldgossipsintheneighbourhood：hewouldnothaveitsaidthathewassuchabrutehiswifecouldnotlivewithhim；——no；hemustcontrivetobearwithme。
`Imustcontrivetobearwithyouyoumean，’saidI，`foraslongasIdischargemyfunctionsofstewardandhousekeeper，soconscientiouslyandwell，withoutpayandwithoutthanks，youcannotaffordtopartwithme。Ishallthereforeremitthesedutieswhenmybondagebecomesintolerable。’
Thisthreat，Ithought，wouldservetokeephimincheck，ifanythingwould。
IbelievehewasmuchdisappointedthatIdidnotfeelhisoffensivesayingsmoreacutely，forwhenhehadsaidanythingparticularlywellcalculatedtohurtmyfeelings，hewouldstaremesearchinglyintheface，andthengrumbleagainstmy`marbleheart，’ormy`brutalinsensibility。’IfIhadbitterlywept，anddeploredhislostaffection，hewould，perhaps，havecondescendedtopityme，andtakenmeintofavourforawhile，justtocomforthissolitudeandconsolehimfortheabsenceofhisbelovedAnnabella，untilhecouldmeetheragain，orsomemorefittingsubstitute。ThankHeaven，Iamnotsoweakasthat！Iwasinfatuatedonce，withafoolish，besottedaffection，thatclungtohiminspiteofhisunworthiness，butitisfairlygonenow——whollycrushedandwitheredaway；andhehasnonebuthimselfandhisvicestothankforit。
Atfirst(incompliancewithhissweetlady’sinjunctions，Isuppose)，heabstainedwonderfullywellfromseekingtosolacehiscaresinwine；
butatlengthhebegantorelaxhisvirtuousefforts，andnowandthenexceededalittle，andstillcontinuestodoso——nay，sometimes，notalittle。Whenheisundertheexcitinginfluenceoftheseexcesses，hesometimesfiresupandattemptstoplaythebrute；andthenItakelittlepainstosuppressmyscornanddisgust：whenheisunderthedepressinginfluenceoftheafterconsequences，hebemoanshissufferingsandhiserrors，andchargesthembothuponme；heknowssuchindulgenceinjureshishealth，anddoeshimmoreharmthangood；buthesaysIdrivehimtoitbymyunnatural，unwomanlyconduct；itwillbetheruinofhimintheend，butitisallmyfault；——andthen，Iamrousedtodefendmyself——sometimes，withbitterrecrimination。ThisisakindofinjusticeIcannotpatientlyendure。HaveInotlabouredlongandhardtosavehimfromthisveryvice？WouldInotlabourstill，todeliverhimfromit，ifIcould？ButcouldIdosobyfawninguponhimandcaressinghimwhenIknowthathescornsme？IsitmyfaultthatIhavelostmyinfluencewithhim，orthathehasforfeitedeveryclaimtomyregard？AndshouldIseekareconciliationwithhim，whenIfeelthatIabhorhim，andthathedespisesme？——andwhilehecontinuesstilltocorrespondwithLadyLowborough，asIknowhedoes？No，never，never，never！——hemaydrinkhimselfdead，butitisNOTmyfault！
YetIdomyparttosavehimstill：Igivehimtounderstandthatdrinkingmakeshiseyesdull，andhisfaceredandbloated；andthatittendstorenderhimimbecileinbodyandmind；andifAnnabellaweretoseehimasoftenasIdo，shewouldspeedilybedisenchanted；andthatshecertainlywillwithdrawherfavourfromhim，ifhecontinuessuchcourses。
Suchamodeofadmonitionwinsonlycoarseabuseforme——andindeedIalmostfeelasifIdeservedit，forIhatetousesucharguments，buttheysinkintohisstupifiedheart，andmakehimpause，andponder，andabstain，morethananythingelseIcouldsay。
Atpresent，Iamenjoyingatemporaryrelieffromhispresence：
heisgonewithHargravetojoinadistanthunt，andwillprobablynotbebackbeforeto-morrowevening。HowdifferentlyIusedtofeelhisabsence！
Mr。HargraveisstillattheGrove。HeandArthurfrequentlymeettopursuetheirruralsportstogether：heoftencallsuponushere，andArthurnotunfrequentlyridesovertohim。Idonotthinkeitherofthesesoi-disantfriendsisoverflowingwithlovefortheother；butsuchintercourseservestogetthetimeon，andIamverywillingitshouldcontinue，asitsavesmesomehoursofdiscomfortinArthur’ssociety，andgiveshimsomebetteremploymentthanthesottishindulgenceofhissensualappetites。
TheonlyobjectionIhavetoMr。Hargrave’sbeingintheneighbourhood，isthatthefearofmeetinghimattheGrove，preventsmefromseeinghissistersooftenasIotherwiseshould；for，oflatehehasconductedhimselftowardsmewithsuchunerringproprietythatIhavealmostforgottenhisformerconduct。Isupposeheisstrivingto`winmyesteem。’Ifhecontinuetoactinthisway，hemaywinit；——butwhatthen？themomentheattemptstodemandanythingmore，hewillloseitagain。
February10th——Itisahard，embitteringthingtohaveone’skindfeelingsandgoodintentionscastbackinone’steeth。Iwasbeginningtorelenttowardsmywretchedpartner——topityhisforlorn，comfortlesscondition，unalleviatedasitisbytheconsolationsofintellectualresourcesandtheanswerofagoodconsciencetowardsGod——andtothinkIoughttosacrificemypride，andrenewmyeffortsonceagaintomakehishomeagreeableandleadhimbacktothepathofvirtue；notbyfalseprofessionsoflove，andnotbypretendedremorse，butbymitigatingmyhabitualcoldnessofmanner，andcommutingmyfrigidcivilityintokindnesswhereveranopportunityoccurred；andnotonlywasIbeginningtothinkso，butIhadalreadybeguntoactuponthethought——andwhatwastheresult？Noansweringsparkofkindness——noawakeningpenitence，butanunappeasableill-humourandaspiritoftyrannousexactionthatincreasedwithindulgence，andalurkinggleamofself-complacenttriumph，ateverydetectionofrelentingsoftnessinmymanner，thatcongealedmetomarbleagainasoftenasitrecurred；
andthismorninghefinishedthebusiness：——Ithinkthepetrifactionissocompletelyeffectedatlast，thatnothingcanmeltmeagain。Amonghisletterswasonewhichheperusedwithsymptomsofunusualgratification，andthenthrewacrossthetabletome，withtheadmonition，——
`There！readthat，andtakealessonbyit！’
Itwasinthefree，dashinghandofLadyLowborough。Iglancedatthefirstpage；itseemedfullofextravagantprotestationsofaffection；
impetuouslongingsforaspeedyreunion；andimpiousdefianceofGod’smandates，andrailingsagainstHisProvidenceforhavingcasttheirlotasunder，anddoomedthembothtothehatefulbondageofalliancewiththosetheycouldnotlove。Hegaveaslighttitteronseeingmechangecolour。
Ifoldeduptheletter，rose，andreturnedittohim，withnoremarkbut，——
`Thankyou——Iwilltakealessonbyit！’
MylittleArthurwasstandingbetweenhisknees，delightedlyplayingwiththebright，rubyringonhisfinger。Urgedbyasudden，imperativeimpulsetodelivermysonfromthatcontaminatinginfluence，Icaughthimupinmyarmsandcarriedhimwithmeoutoftheroom。Notlikingthisabruptremoval，thechildbegantopoutandcry。Thiswasanewstabtomyalreadytorturedheart。Iwouldnotlethimgo；but，takinghimwithmeintothelibrary，Ishutthedoor，and，kneelingonthefloorbesidehim，Iembracedhim，kissedhim，weptoverhimwithpassionatefondness。
Ratherfrightenedthanconsoledbythis，heturnedstrugglingfrommeandcriedoutaloudforhispapa。Ireleasedhimfrommyarms，andneverweremorebittertearsthanthosethatnowconcealedhimfrommyblinded，burningeyes。Hearinghiscries，thefathercametotheroom。Iinstantlyturnedawaylestheshouldseeandmisconstruemyemotion。Hesworeatme，andtookthenowpacifiedchildaway。
Itishardthatmylittledarlingshouldlovehimmorethanme；
andthat，whenthewell-beingandcultureofmysonisallIhavetolivefor，Ishouldseemyinfluencedestroyedbyonewhoseselfishaffectionismoreinjuriousthanthecoldestindifferenceortheharshesttyrannycouldbe。IfI，forhisgood，denyhimsometriflingindulgence，hegoestohisfather，andthelatter，inspiteofhisselfishindolence，willevengivehimselfsometroubletomeetthechild’sdesires：ifIattempttocurbhiswill，orlookgravelyonhimforsomeactofchildishdisobedience，heknowshisotherparentwillsmileandtakehispartagainstme。Thus，notonlyhaveIthefather’sspiritinthesontocontendagainst；thegermsofhiseviltendenciestosearchoutanderadicate，andhiscorruptingintercourseandexampleinafterlifetocounteract，butalreadyhecounteractsmyarduouslabourforthechild’sadvantage，destroysmyinfluenceoverhistendermind，androbsmeofhisverylove；——Ihadnoearthlyhopebutthis，andheseemstotakeadiabolicaldelightintearingitaway。
Butitiswrongtodespair；Iwillrememberthecounseloftheinspiredwritertohim`thatfeareththeLordandobeyeththevoiceofhisservant，thatsittethindarknessandhathnolight；——lethimtrustinthenameoftheLord，andstayuponhisGod！’
TheTenantofWildfellHall：December20th，1825——Anotheryearispast；andIamwearyofthislife。
Andyet，Icannotwishtoleaveit：whateverafflictionsassailmehere，Icannotwishtogoandleavemydarlinginthisdarkandwickedworldalone，withoutafriendtoguidehimthroughitswearymazes，towarnhimofitsthousandsnares，andguardhimfromtheperilsthatbesethimoneveryhand。Iamnotwellfittedtobehisonlycompanion，Iknow；butthereisnoothertosupplymyplace。Iamtoogravetoministertohisamusementsandenterintohisinfantilesportsasanurseoramotheroughttodo，andoftenhisburstsofgleefulmerrimenttroubleandalarmme；
Iseeinthemhisfather’sspiritandtemperament，andItremblefortheconsequences；and，toooften，damptheinnocentmirthIoughttoshare。
Thatfatheronthecontraryhasnoweightofsadnessonhismindstroubledwithnofears，noscruplesconcerninghisson’sfuturewelfare；andateveningsespecially，thetimeswhenthechildseeshimthemostandtheoftenest，heisalwaysparticularlyjocundandopen-hearted：readytolaughandtojestwithanythingoranybody——butmendIamparticularlysilentandsad：therefore，ofcourse，thechilddotesuponhisseeminglyjoyous，amusing，everindulgentpapa，andwillatanytimegladlyexchangemycompanyforhis。Thisdisturbsmegreatly；notsomuchforthesakeofmyson’saffection(thoughIdoprizethathighly，andthoughIfeelitismyright，andknowIhavedonemuchtoearnit)，asforthatinfluenceoverhimwhich，forhisownadvantage，Iwouldstrivetopurchaseandretain，andwhichforveryspitehisfatherdelightstorobmeof，and，frommotivesofmereidleegotism，ispleasedtowintohimself，makingnouseofitbuttotormentme，andruinthechild。Myonlyconsolationis，thathespendscomparativelylittleofhistimeathome，and，duringthemonthshepassesinLondonorelsewhere，IhaveachanceofrecoveringthegroundIhadlost，andovercomingwithgoodtheevilhehaswroughtbyhiswilfulmismanagement。
