`Butindeed，Ihadahardtimeofit，’saidshe：`mammawasverygreatlydisappointedatthefailureofherdarlingproject，andvery，veryangryatmyobstinateresistancetoherwill，——andissostill；butIcan’thelpit。AndWalter，too，issoseriouslydispleasedatmyperversityandabsurdcaprice，ashecallsit，thatIfearhewillneverforgiveme——I
didnotthinkhecouldbesounkindashehaslatelyshownhimself。
ButMilicentbeggedmenottoyield，andI’msure，Mrs。Huntingdon，ifyouhadseenthemantheywantedtopalmuponme，youwouldhaveadvisedmenottotakehimtoo。’
`IshouldhavedonesowhetherIhadseenhimornot，’saidI。
`Itisenoughthatyoudislikehim。’
`Iknewyouwouldsayso；thoughmammaaffirmedyouwouldbequiteshockedatmyundutifulconduct——youcan’timaginehowshelecturesme——I
amdisobedientandungrateful；Iamthwartingherwishes，wrongingmybrother，andmakingmyselfaburdenonherhands——Isometimesfearshe’llovercomemeafterall。Ihaveastrongwill，butsohasshe，andwhenshesayssuchbitterthings，itprovokesmetosuchapassthatIfeelinclinedtodoasshebidsme，andthenbreakmyheartandsay“There，mamma，it’sallyourfault！”’
`Praydon’t！’saidI。`Obediencefromsuchamotivewouldbepositivewickedness，andcertaintobringthepunishmentitdeserved。Standfirm，andyourmammawillsoonrelinquishherpersecution；——andthegentlemanhimselfwillceasetopesteryouwithhisaddressesifhefindsthemsteadilyrejected。’
`Oh，no！mammawillwearyallaboutherbeforeshetiresherselfwithherexertions；andasforMr。Oldfield，shehasgivenhimtounderstandthatIhaverefusedhisoffer，notfromanydislikeofhisperson，butmerelybecauseIamgiddyandyoung，andcannotatpresentreconcilemyselftothethoughtsofmarriageunderanycircumstances：but，bynextseason，shehasnodoubt，Ishallhavemoresense，andhopesmygirlishfancieswillbewornaway。Soshehasbroughtmehome，toschoolmeintoapropersenseofmyduty，againstthetimecomesroundagain——indeed，IbelieveshewillnotputherselftotheexpenseoftakingmeuptoLondonagain，unlessIsurrender：shecannotaffordtotakemetotownforpleasureandnonsense，shesays，anditisnoteveryrichgentlemanthatwillconsenttotakemewithoutafortune，whateverexaltedideasImayhaveofmyownattractions。’
`WellEsther，Ipityyou；butstill，Irepeat，standfirm。Youmightaswellsellyourselftoslaveryatonce，asmarryamanyoudislike。
Ifyourmotherandbrotherareunkindtoyou，youmayleavethem，butrememberyouareboundtoyourhusbandforlife。’s`ButIcannotleavethemunlessIgetmarried，andIcannotgetmarriedifnobodyseesme。IsawoneortwogentlemeninLondon，thatI
mighthaveliked，buttheywereyoungersons，andmammawouldnotletmegettoknowthem——oneespecially，whoIbelieveratherlikedme，butshethreweverypossibleobstacleinthewayofourbetteracquaintance——wasn’titprovoking？’
`Ihavenodoubtyouwouldfeelitso，butitispossiblethatifyoumarriedhim，youmighthavemorereasontoregretithereafter，thanifyoumarriedMr。Oldfield。WhenItellyounottomarrywithoutlove，Idonotadviseyoutomarryforlovealone——therearemany，manyotherthingstobeconsidered。Keepbothheartandhandinyourownpossession，tillyouseegoodreasontopartwiththem；andifsuchanoccasionshouldneverpresentitself，comfortyourmindwiththisreflection：that，thoughinsinglelifeyourjoysmaynotbeverymany，yoursorrowsatleastwillnotbemorethanyoucanbear。Marriagemaychangeyourcircumstancesforthebetter，butinmyprivateopinion，itisfarmorelikelytoproduceacontraryresult。’
`SothinksMilicent，butallowmetosay，Ithinkotherwise。
IfIthoughtmyselfdoomedtoold-maidenhood，Ishouldceasetovaluemylife。Thethoughtoflivingon，yearafteryearattheGrove——ahanger——onuponmammaandWaltersmerecumbereroftheground(nowthatIknowinwhatlighttheywouldregardit)，isperfectlyintolerable——Iwouldratherrunawaywiththebutler。’
`YourcircumstancesarepeculiarIallow；buthavepatience，love；
donothingrashly。Rememberyouarenotyetnineteen，andmanyyearsareyettopassbeforeanyonecansetyoudownasanoldmaid：youcannottellwhatProvidencemayhaveinstoreforyou。Andmeantime，rememberyouhaveatighttotheprotectionandsupportofyourmotherandbrother，howevertheymayseemtogrudgeit。’
`Youaresograve，Mrs。Huntingdon，’saidEstherafterapause。
`WhenMilicentutteredthesamediscouragingsentimentsconcerningmarriage，Iaskedifshewashappy：shesaidshewas；butIonlyhalfbelievedher；
andnowImustputthesamequestiontoyou。’
`Itisaveryimpertinentquestion，’laughedI，`fromayounggirltoamarriedwomansomanyyearshersenior——andIshallnotanswerit。’
`Pardonme，dearmadam，’saidshe，laughinglythrowingherselfintomyarms，andkissingmewithplayfulaffection；butIfeltatearonmyneck，asshedroppedherheadonmybosomandcontinued，withanoddmixtureofsadnessandlevity，timidityandaudacity，——`IknowyouarenotsohappyasImeantobe，foryouspendhalfyourlifealoneatGrassdale，whileMr。Huntingdongoesaboutenjoyinghimselfwhere，andhowhepleases——Ishallexpectmyhusbandtohavenopleasuresbutwhatheshareswithme；andifhisgreatestpleasureofallisnottheenjoymentofmycompany——why——itwillbetheworseforhim——that’sall。’
`Ifsuchareyourexpectationsofmatrimony，Esther，youmustindeed，becarefulwhomyoumarry——orrather，youmustavoiditaltogether。’
TheTenantofWildfellHall：Chapter42CHAPTERXLIIAREFORMATIONSept。1st——NoMr。Huntingdonyet。PerhapshewillstayamonghisfriendstillChristmas；andthen，nextspring，hewillbeoffagain。Ifhecontinuethisplan，IshallbeabletostayatGrassdalewellenough——thatis，I
shallbeabletostay，andthatisenough；evenanoccasionalbevyoffriendsattheshootingseason，maybeborneifArthurgetsofirmlyattachedtome——sowellestablishedingoodsenseandprinciples，beforetheycome，thatIshallbeable，byreasonandaffection，tokeephimpurefromtheircontaminations。Vainhope，Ifear！butstill，tillsuchatimeoftrialcomes，IwillforbeartothinkofmyquietasyluminthebelovedoldHall。
Mr。andMrs。HattersleyhavebeenstayingattheGroveafortnight；
andasMr。Hargraveisstillabsent，andtheweatherwasremarkablyfine，Ineverpassedadaywithoutseeingmytwofriends，MilicentandEsther，eitherthereorhere。Ononeoccasion，whenMr。HattersleyhaddriventhemovertoGrassdaleinthephaeton，withlittleHelenandRalph，andwewereallenjoyingourselvesinthegarden——Ihadafewminutes’conversationwiththatgentleman，whiletheladieswereamusingthemselveswiththechildren。
`Doyouwanttohearanythingofyourhusband，Mrs。Huntingdon？’
saidhe。
`No，unlessyoucantellmewhentoexpecthimhome。’
`Ican’t——Youdon’twanthim，doyou？’saidhewithabroadgrin。
`No。’
`Well，Ithinkyou’rebetterwithouthim，sureenough——formypart，I’mdownrightwearyofhim。ItoldhimI’dleavehimifhedidn’tmendhismanners——andhewouldn’t；soIlefthim——youseeI’mabettermanthanyouthinkme；——andwhat’smore，Ihaveseriousthoughtsofwashingmyhandsofhimentirely，andthewholesetof`em，andcomportingmyselffromthisdayforward，withalldecencyandsobrietyasaChristianandthefatherofafamilyshoulddo——Whatdoyouthinkofthat？’
`Itisaresolutionyououghttohaveformedlongago。`Well，I’mnotthirtyyet：itisn’ttoolate，isit？’
`No；itisnevertoolatetoreform，aslongasyouhavethesensetodesireit，andthestrengthtoexecuteyourpurpose。’
`Well，totellyouthetruth，I’vethoughtofitoftenandoftenbefore，buthe’ssuchdevilishgoodcompanyisHuntingdon，afterall——youcan’timaginewhatajovialgood-fellowheiswhenhe’snotfairlydrunk，onlyjustprimedorhalf-seas-over——weallhaveabitofalikingforhimatthebottomofourhearts，thoughwecan’trespecthim。’
`Butshouldyouwishyourselftobelikehim？’
`No，I’dratherbelikemyself，badasIam。’
`Youcan’tcontinueasbadasyouarewithoutgettingworse——andmorebrutalizedeveryday——andthereforemorelikehim。’
Icouldnothelpsmilingatthe’comical，halfangry，halfconfoundedlookheputonatthisratherunusualmodeofaddress。
`Nevermindmyplainspeaking，’saidI；`itisfromthebestofmotives。Buttellme，shouldyouwishyoursonstobelikeMr。Huntingdon——orevenlikeyourself？’
`Hangit，no。’
`Shouldyouwishyourdaughtertodespiseyou——or，atleast，tofeelnovestigeofrespectforyou，andnoaffectionbutwhatismingledwiththebitterestregret？’
`Oh，blastit，no！Icouldn’tstandthat。’
`Andfinally，shouldyouwishyourwifetobereadytosinkintotheearthwhenshehearsyoumentioned；andtoloathetheverysoundofyourvoice，andshudderatyourapproach？’
`Sheneverwill；shelikesmeallthesame，whateverIdo。’
`Impossible，Mr。Hattersley！youmistakeherquietsubmissionforaffection。’
`Fireandfury——’
`Nowdon’tburstintoatempestatthat——Idon’tmeantosayshedoesnotloveyou——hedoes，Iknow，agreatdealbetterthanyoudeserve——butIamquitesure，thatifyoubehavebetter，shewillloveyoumore，andifyoubehaveworse，shewillloveyoulessandlesstillallislostinfear，aversion，andbitternessofsoul，ifnotinsecrethatredandcontempt。
But，droppingthesubjectofaffection，shouldyouwishtobethetyrantofherlife——totakeawayallthesunshinefromherexistence，andmakeherthoroughlymiserable？’
`Ofcoursenot；andIdon’t，andI’mnotgoingto。’
`Youhavedonemoretowardsitthanyousuppose。’
`Pooh，pooh！she’snotthesusceptible，anxious，worritingcreatureyouimagine：she’salittlemeek，peaceable，affectionatebody；apttoberathersulkyattimes，butquietandcoolinthemain，andreadytotakethingsastheycome。’
`Thinkofwhatshewasfiveyearsago，whenyoumarriedher，andwhatsheisnow。’
`Iknow——hewasalittleplumplassiethen，withaprettypinkandwhiteface：now，she’sapoorlittlebitofacreature，fadingandmeltingawaylikeasnow-wreath’——buthangit！——ByJupiter，that’snotmyfault！’
`Whatisthecauseofitthen？Notyears，forshe’sonlyfiveandtwenty。
`It’sherowndelicatehealth，and——confoundit，madam！whatwouldyoumakeofme？——andthechildren，tobesure，thatworryhertodeathbetweenthem。’
`No，Mr。Hattersley，thechildrengivehermorepleasurethanpain：theyarefinewelldispositionedchildren——’
`Iknowtheyartless`em！’
`Thenwhylaytheblameonthem？——I’lltellyouwhatitis：it’ssilentfrettingandconstantanxietyonyouraccount，mingledIsuspect，withsomethingofbodilyfearonherown。Whenyoubehavewell，shecanonlyrejoicewithtrembling；shehasnosecurity，noconfidenceinyourjudgmentorprinciples；butiscontinuallydreadingthecloseofsuchshort-livedfelicity：whenyoubehaveill，hercausesofterrorandmiseryaremorethananyonecantellbutherself。Inpatientenduranceofevil，sheforgetsitisourdutytoadmonishourneighboursoftheirtransgressions——Sinceyouwillmistakehersilenceforindifference，comewithme，andI’llshowyouoneortwoofherletters——nobreachofconfidence，Ihope，sinceyouareherotherhalf。’
Hefollowedmeintothelibrary。IsoughtoutandputintohishandstwoofMilicent’sletters；onedatedfromLondonandwrittenduringoneofhiswildestseasonsofrecklessdissipation；theotherinthecountryduringalucidinterval。Theformerwasfulloftroubleandanguish；notaccusinghim，butdeeplyregrettinghisconnectionwithhisprofligatecompanions，abusingMr。Grimsbyandothers，insinuatingbitterthingsagainstMr。Huntingdon，andmostingeniouslythrowingtheblameofherhusband’smisconductontoothermen’sshoulders。Thelatterwasfullofhopeandjoy，yetwithatremblingconsciousnessthatthishappinesswouldnotlast；
praisinghisgoodnesstotheskies，butwithanevident，thoughbuthalfexpressedwishthatitwerebasedonasurerfoundationthanthenaturalimpulsesoftheheart，andahalfpropheticdreadofthefallofthathousesofoundedonthesand，——whichfallhadshortlyaftertakenplace，asHattersleymusthavebeenconsciouswhileheread。
