Howwidelydifferenthadbeenmyfeelingsinpaintingthatportraittowhattheynowwereinlookinguponit！HowIhadstudiedandtoiledtoproducesomething，asIthought，worthyoftheoriginal！whatmingledpleasureanddissatisfactionIhadhadintheresultofmylabours！——pleasureforthelikenessIhadcaught；dissatisfaction，becauseIhadnotmadeithandsomeenough。Now，Iseenobeautyinit——nothingpleasinginanypartofitsexpression；andyetitisfarhandsomerandfarmoreagreeable——farlessrepulsiveIshouldrathersay——thanheisnow；forthesesixyearshavewroughtalmostasgreatachangeuponhimselfasonmyfeelingsregardinghim。Theframe，however，ishandsomeenough；itwillserveforanotherpainting。ThepictureitselfIhavenotdestroyed，asIhadfirstintended；
Ihaveputitaside；not，Ithink，fromanylurkingtendernessforthememoryofpastaffection，noryettoremindmeofmyformerfolly，butchieflythatImaycomparemyson’sfeaturesandcountenancewiththis，ashegrowsup，andthusbeenabledtojudgehowmuchorhowlittleheresembleshisfather——ifImaybeallowedtokeephimwithmestill，andnevertobeholdthatfather’sfaceagain——blessingIhardlydarereckonupon。
ItseemsMr。Huntingdonismakingeveryexertiontodiscovertheplaceofmyretreat。HehasbeeninpersontoStaningley，seekingredressforhisgrievances——expectingtohearofhisvictims，ifnottofindthemthere——andhastoldsomanylies，andwithsuchunblushingcoolness，thatmyunclemorethanhalfbelieveshim，andstronglyadvocatesmygoingbacktohimandbeingfriendsagain；butmyauntknowsbetter：sheistoocoolandcautious，andtoowellacquaintedwithbothmyhusband’scharacterandmyowntobeimposeduponbyanyspeciousfalsehoodstheformercouldinvent。Buthedoesnotwantmeback；hewantsmychild；andgivesmyfriendstounderstandthatifIpreferlivingapartfromhim，hewillindulgethewhimandletmedosounmolested，andevensettleareasonableallowanceonme，providedIwillimmediatelydeliveruphisson。But，Heavenhelpme！Iamnotgoingtosellmychildforgold，thoughitweretosavebothhimandmefromstarving：itwouldbebetterthatheshoulddiewithme，thanthatheshouldlivewithhisfather。
Frederickshowedmealetterhehadreceivedfromthatgentleman，fullofcoolimpudencesuchaswouldastonishanyonewhodidnotknowhim，butsuchas，Iamconvinced，nonewouldknowbetterhowtoanswerthanmybrother。Hegavemenoaccountofhisreply，excepttotellmethathehadnotacknowledgedhisacquaintancewithmyplaceofrefuge，butratherleftittobeinferredthatitwasquiteunknowntohim，bysayingitwasuselesstoapplytohimoranyotherofmyrelationsforinformationonthesubject，asitappearedIhadbeendriventosuchextremitythatIhadconcealedmyretreatevenfrommybestfriends；butthatifhehadknownit，orshouldatanytimebemadeawareofit，mostcertainlyMr。Huntingdonwouldbethelastpersontowhomheshouldcommunicatetheintelligence；and’thatheneednottroublehimselftobargainforthechild，forhe(Frederick)fanciedheknewenoughofhissistertoenablehimtodeclare，thatwherevershemightbe，orhoweversituated，noconsiderationwouldinducehertodeliverhimup。
30th——Alas！mykindneighbourswillnotletmealone。Bysomemeanstheyhaveferretedmeout，andIhavehadtosustainvisitsfromthreedifferentfamilies，allmoreorlessbentupondiscoveringwhoandwhatIam；whenceIcame，andwhyIhavechosensuchahomeasthis。Theirsocietyisunnecessarytome，tosaytheleast，andtheircuriosityannoysandalarmsme：ifIgratifyit，itmayleadtotheruinofmyson，andifIamtoomysterious，itwillonlyexcitetheirsuspicions，inviteconjecture，androusethemtogreaterexertions——andperhapsbethemeansofspreadingmyfamefromparishtoparish，tillitreachtheearsofsomeonewhowillcarryittothelordofGrassdaleManor。
Ishallbeexpectedtoreturntheircalls，butif，uponenquiry，IfindthatanyofthemlivetoofarawayforArthurtoaccompanyme，theymustexpectinvainforawhile，forIcannotbeartoleavehim，unlessitbetogotochurch；andIhavenotattemptedthatyet，for——itmaybefoolishweakness，butIamundersuchconstantdreadofhisbeingsnatchedawaythatIamnevereasywhenheisnotbymyside；andIfearthesenervousterrorswouldsoentirelydisturbmydevotions，thatIshouldobtainnobenefitfromtheattendance。Imean，however，tomaketheexperimentnextSunday，andobligemyselftoleavehiminchargeofRachelforafewhours。Itwillbeahardtask，butsurelynoimprudence；andthevicarhasbeentoscoldmeformyneglectoftheordinancesofreligion。Ihadnosufficientexcusetooffer，andIpromised，ifallwerewell，heshouldseemeinmypewnextSunday；forIdonotwishtobesetdownasaninfidel；
andbesides，IknowIshouldderivegreatcomfortandbenefitfromanoccasionalattendanceatpublicworship，ifIcouldonlyhavefaithandfortitudetocomposemythoughtsinconformitywiththesolemnoccasion，andforbidthemtobeforeverdwellingonmyabsentchild，andonthedreadfulpossibilityoffindinghimgonewhenIreturn；andsurelyGodinHismercywillpreservemefromsosevereatrial：formychild’sownsake，ifnotformine，Hewillnotsufferhimtobetornaway。
November3rd——Ihavemadesomefurtheracquaintancewithmyneighbours。
Thefinegentlemanandbeauoftheparishanditsvicinity(inhisownestimation，atleast)isayoung……
Hereitended。Therestwastornaway。Howcruel——justwhenshewasgoingtomentionme！forIcouldnotdoubtitwasyourhumbleservantshewasabouttomention，thoughnotveryfavourablyofcourse——Icouldtellthat，aswellbythosefewwordsasbytherecollectionofherwholeaspectanddemeanourtowardsmeinthecommencementofouracquaintance。
Well！Icouldreadilyforgiveherprejudiceagainstme，andherhardthoughtsofoursexingeneral，whenIsawtowhatbrilliantspecimensherexperiencehadbeenlimited。
Respectingme，however，shehadlongsinceseenhererror，andperhapsfallenintoanotherintheoppositeextreme；forif，atfirst，heropinionofmehadbeenlowerthanIdeservedIwasconvincedthatnowmydesertswerelowerthanheropinion；andiftheformerpartofthiscontinuationhadbeentornawaytoavoidwoundingmyfeelings，perhapsthelatterportionhadbeenremovedforfearofministeringtoomuchtomyself-conceit。Atanyrate，Iwouldhavegivenmuchtohaveseenitall——tohavewitnessedthegradualchange，andwatchedtheprogressofheresteemandfriendshipforme，——andwhateverwarmerfeelingshemighthavetohaveseenhowmuchoflovetherewasinherregard，andhowithadgrownuponherinspiteofhervirtuousresolutionsandstrenuousexertionsto——butno，Ihadnorighttoseeit：allthiswastoosacredforanyeyesbutherown，andshehaddonewelltokeepitfromme。
TheTenantofWildfellHall：Chapter45CHAPTERXLVRECONCILIATIONWellHalford，whatdoyouthinkofallthis？andwhileyoureadit，didyoueverpicturetoyourselfwhatmyfeelingswouldprobablybeduringitsperusal？Mostlikelynot；butIamnotgoingtodescantuponthemnow：
Iwillonlymakethisacknowledgement，littlehonourableasitmaybetohumannature，andespeciallytomyself——thattheformerhalfofthenarrativewas，tome，morepainfulthanthelatter；notthatIwasatallinsensibletoMrs。Huntingdon’swrongsorunmovedbyhersufferings，but，Imustconfess，Ifeltakindofselfishgratificationinwatchingherhusband’sgradualdeclineinhergoodgraces，andseeinghowcompletelyheextinguishedallheraffectionatlast。Theeffectofthewhole，however，inspiteofallmysympathyforherandmyfuryagainsthim，wastorelievemymindofanintolerableburdenandfillmyheartwithjoy，asifsomefriendhadrousedmefromadreadfulnight-mare。
Itwasnowneareighto’clockinthemorning，formycandlehadexpiredinthemidstofmyperusal，leavingmenoalternativebuttogetanother，attheexpenseofalarmingthehouse，ortogotobedandwaitthereturnofdaylight。Onmymother’saccount，Ichosethelatter；buthowwillinglyIsoughtmypillow，andhowmuchsleepitbroughtme，Ileaveyoutoimagine。
AtthefirstappearanceofdawnIrose，andbroughtthemanuscripttothewindow，butitwasimpossibletoreadityet。Idevotedhalfanhourtodressing，andthenreturnedtoitagain。Now，withalittledifficulty，Icouldmanage；andwithintenseandeagerinterest，Idevouredtheremainderofitscontents。Whenitwasended，andmytransientregretatitsabruptconclusionwasover，Iopenedthewindowandputoutmyheadtocatchthecoolingbreeze，andimbibedeepdraughtsofthepuremorningair。Asplendidmorningitwas；thehalf-frozendewlaythickonthegrass，theswallowsweretwitteringroundme，therookscawingandcowslowinginthedistance；
andearlyfrostandsummersunshinemingledtheirsweetnessintheair。
ButIdidnotthinkofthat：aconfusionofcountlessthoughtsandvariedemotionscrowdeduponmewhileIgazedabstractedlyonthelovelyfaceofnature。Soon，however，thischaosofthoughtsandpassionsclearedaway，givingplacetotwodistinctemotions：joyunspeakablethatmyadoredHelenwasallIwishedtothinkher——thatthroughthenoisomevapoursoftheworld’saspersionsandmyownfanciedconvictions，hercharactershonebright，andclear，andstainlessasthatsunIcouldnotbeartolookon；
andshameanddeepremorseformyownconduct。
Immediatelyafterbreakfast，IhurriedovertoWildfellHall。
Rachelhadrisenmanydegreesinmyestimationsinceyesterday。Iwasreadytogreetherquiteasanoldfriend；buteverykindlyimpulsewascheckedbythelookofcolddistrustshecastuponmeonopeningthedoor。Theoldvirginhadconstitutedherselftheguardianofherlady’shonour，I
suppose，anddoubtlessshesawinmeanotherMr。Hargrave，onlythemoredangerousinbeingmoreesteemedandtrustedbyhermistress。
`Missiscan’tseeanyoneto-day，sir——he’spoorly，’saidsheinanswertomyenquiryforMrs。Graham。
`ButImustseeher，Rachel，’saidI，placingmyhandonthedoortopreventitsbeingshutagainstme。
`Indeed，sir，youcan’t，’repliedshe，settlinghercountenanceinstillmoreironfrigiditythanbefore。
`Besogoodastoannounceme。’
`It’snomannerofuse，Mr。Markham；she’spoorly，Itellyou。
Justintimetopreventmefromcommittingtheimproprietyoftakingthecitadelbystorm，andpushingforwardunannounced，aninnerdooropened，andlittleArthurappearedwithhisfrolicsomeplayfellowthedog。Heseizedmyhandbetweenbothhis，andsmilinglydrewmeforward。
`Mammasaysyou’retocomein，Mr。Markham，’saidhe，andI’mtogooutandplaywithRover。’
Rachelretiredwithasigh，andIsteppedintotheparlourandshutthedoor。There，beforethefire-place，stoodthetall，gracefulfigurewastedwithmanysorrows。Icastthemanuscriptonthetable，andlookedinherface。Anxiousandpale，itwasturnedtowardsme；herclear，darkeyeswerefixedonminewithagazesointenselyearnestthattheyboundmelikeaspell。
`Haveyoulookeditover？’shemurmured。Thespellwasbroken。
`I’vereaditthrough，’saidI，advancingintotheroom，——`andIwanttoknowifyou’llforgiveme——ifyoucanforgiveme？’
Shedidnotanswer，buthereyesglistened，andafaintredmantledonherlipandcheek。AsIapproached，sheabruptlyturnedaway，andwenttothewindow。Itwasnotinanger，Iwaswellassured，butonlytoconcealorcontrolheremotion。Ithereforeventuredtofollowandstandbesideherthere，——butnottospeak。Shegavemeherhand，withoutturningherhead，andmurmured，inavoiceshestroveinvaintosteady，——
`Canyouforgiveme？’
Itmightbedeemedabreachoftrust，Ithought，toconveythatlilyhandtomylips，soIonlygentlypresseditbetweenmyown，andsmilinglyreplied，——
`Ihardlycan。Youshouldhavetoldmethisbefore。Itshowsawantofconfidence’
`Oh，no，’criedshe，eagerlyinterruptingme，`itwasnotthat！
Itwasnowantofconfidenceinyou；butifIhadtoldyouanythingofmyhistory，Imusthavetoldyouall，inordertoexcusemyconduct；andImightwellshrinkfromsuchadisclosure，tillnecessityobligedmetomakeit。Butyouforgiveme？——Ihavedonevery，verywrong，Iknow；but，asusual，Ihavereapedthebitterfruitsofmyownerror，——andmustreapthemtotheend。’
Bitterindeed，wasthetoneofanguish，repressedbyresolutefirmness，inwhichthiswasspoken。Now，Iraisedherhandtomylips，andferventlykisseditagainandagain；fortearspreventedanyotherreply。Shesufferedthesewildcaresseswithoutresistanceorresentment；
then，suddenlyturningfromme，shepacedtwiceorthricethroughtheroom。
Iknewbythecontractionofherbrow，thetightcompressionofherlips，andwringingofherhands，thatmeantimeaviolentconflictbetweenreasonandpassion，wassilentlypassingwithin。Atlengthshepausedbeforetheemptyfire-place，andturningtome，saidcalmly——ifthatmightbecalledcalmness，whichwassoevidentlytheresultofaviolenteffort——
`NowGilbert，youmustleaveme——notthismoment，butsoon——andyoumustnevercomeagain。’
