`IownIcannot；butweknownotthatitwillbeso；——andIdoknowthattoregrettheexchangeofearthlypleasuresforthejoysofHeaven，isasifthegrovellingcaterpillarshouldlamentthatitmustonedayquitthenibbledleaftosoaraloftandflutterthroughtheair，rovingatwillfromflowertoflower，sippingsweethoneyfromtheircupsorbaskingintheirsunnypetals。Iftheselittlecreaturesknewhowgreatachangeawaitedthem，nodoubttheywouldregretit；butwouldnotallsuchsorrowbemisplaced？Andifthatillustrationwillnotmoveyou，hereisanother：——Wearechildrennow；wefeelaschildren，andweunderstandaschildren；andwhenwearetoldthatmenandwomendonotplaywithtoys，andthatourcompanionswillonedaywearyofthetrivialsportsandoccupationsthatinterestthemandussodeeplynow，wecannothelpbeingsaddenedatthethoughtsofsuchanalteration，becausewecannotconceivethataswegrowup，ourownmindswillbecomesoenlargedandelevatedthatweourselvesshallthenregardastriflingthoseobjectsandpursuitswenowsofondlycherish，andthat，thoughourcompanionswillnolongerjoinusinthosechildishpastimes，theywilldrinkwithusatotherfountainsofdelight，andmingletheirsoulswithoursinhigheraimsandnobleroccupationsbeyondourpresentcomprehension，butnotlessdeeplyrelishedorlesstrulygoodforthat，——whileyetbothweandtheyremainessentiallythesameindividualsasbefore。ButGilbert，canyoureallyderivenoconsolationfromthethoughtthatwemaymeettogetherwherethereisnomorepainandsorrow，nomorestrivingagainstsin，andstrugglingofthespiritagainsttheflesh；wherebothwillbeholdthesameglorioustruths，anddrinkexaltedandsupremefelicityfromthesamefountainoflightandgoodness——thatBeingwhombothwillworshipwiththesameintensityofholyardour，andwhosepureandhappycreaturesbothwilllovewiththesamedivineaffection？Ifyoucannot，neverwritetome！’
`Helen，Ican，iffaithwouldneverfail。’
`Now，then，’exclaimedshe，`whilethishopeisstrongwithinus——’
`Wewillpart，’Icried。`Youshallnothavethepainofanotherefforttodismissme：Iwillgoatonce；but——’
Ididnotputmyrequestinwords：sheunderstooditinstinctivelyandthistimesheyieldedtoo——orrather，therewasnothingsodeliberateasrequestingoryieldinginthematter：therewasasuddenimpulsethatneithercouldresist。OnemomentIstoodandlookedintoherface，thenextIheldhertomyheart，andweseemedtogrowtogetherinacloseembracefromwhichnophysicalormentalforcecouldrendus。Awhispered`Godblessyou！’and`Go——go！’wasallshesaid；butwhileshespoke，sheheldmesofastthat，withoutviolence，Icouldnothaveobeyedher。Atlength，however，bysomeheroiceffort，wetoreourselvesapart，andI
rushedfromthehouse。
IhaveaconfusedremembranceofseeinglittleArthurrunningupthegardenwalktomeetme，andofboltingoverthewalltoavoidhim——andsubsequentlyrunningdownthesteepfields，clearingthestonefencesandhedgesastheycameinmyway，tillIgotcompletelyoutofsightoftheoldHallanddowntothebottomofthehill；andthenoflonghoursspentinbittertearsandlamentations，andmelancholymusingsinthelonelyvalley，withtheeternalmusicinmyears，ofthewestwindrushingthroughtheover-shadowingtrees，andthebrookbabblingandgurglingalongitsstonybed——myeyes，forthemostpart，vacantlyfixedonthedeep，checkeredshadesrestlesslyplayingoverthebrightsunnygrassatmyfeet，wherenowandthenawitheredleafortwowouldcomedancingtosharetherevelry，butmyheartwasawayupthehillinthatdarkroomwhereshewasweepingdesolateandalone——shewhomIwasnottocomfort，nottoseeagain，tillyearsorsufferinghadovercomeusboth，andtornourspiritsfromtheirperishingabodesofclay。
Therewaslittlebusinessdonethatday，youmaybesure。Thefarmwasabandonedtothelabourers，andthelabourerswerelefttotheirowndevices。Butonedutymustbeattendedto：IhadnotforgottenmyassaultuponFrederickLawrence；andImustseehimtoapologizefortheunhappydeed。Iwouldfainhaveputitofftillthemorrow；butwhatifheshoulddenouncemetohissisterinthemeantime？No，no，Imustaskhispardonto-day，andintreathimtobelenientinhisaccusation，iftherevelationmustbemade。Ideferredithowever，tilltheevening，whenmyspiritsweremorecomposedandwhen——oh，wonderfulperversityofhumannature！——somefaintgermsofindefinitehopeswerebeginningtoriseinmymind；notthatIintendedtocherishthemafterallthathadbeensaidonthesubject，buttheretheymustlieforawhile，uncrushedthoughnotencouraged，tillIhadlearnttolivewithoutthem。
ArrivedatWoodford，theyoungsquire’sabode，Ifoundnolittledifficultyinobtainingadmissiontohispresence。Theservantthatopenedthedoortoldmehismasterwasveryill，andseemedtothinkitdoubtfulwhetherhewouldbeabletoseeme。Iwasnotgoingtobebalkedhowever。
Iwaitedcalmlyinthehalltobeannounced，butinwardlydeterminedtotakenodenial。ThemessagewassuchasIexpected——politeintimationthatMr。Lawrencecouldseenoone；hewasfeverishandmustnotbedisturbed。
`Ishallnotdisturbhimlong，’saidI；`butImustseehimforamoment：itisonbusinessofimportancethatIwishtospeaktohim。’
`I’lltellhimsir，’saidtheman。AndIadvancedfartherintothehallandfollowedhimnearlytothedooroftheapartmentwherehismasterwas——foritseemedhewasnotinbed。Theanswerreturned，wasthatMr。LawrencehopedIwouldbesogoodastoleaveamessageoranotewiththeservant，ashecouldattendtonobusinessatpresent。
`Hemayaswellseemeasyou，’saidI；and，steppingpasttheastonishedfootman，Iboldlyrappedatthedoor，entered，andcloseditbehindme。Theroomwasspaciousandhandsomelyfurnished——verycomfortably，too，forabachelor。Aclear，redfirewasburninginthepolishedgrate：
asuperannuatedgreyhound，givenuptoidlenessandgoodlivinglaybaskingbeforeitonthethick，softrug，ononecornerofwhich，besidethesola，satasmartyoungspringer，lookingwistfullyupinitsmaster’sface；
perhaps，askingpermissiontosharehiscouch，or，itmightbe，onlysolicitingacaressfromhishandorakindwordfromhislips。Theinvalidhimselflookedveryinterestingashelayrecliningthere，inhiselegantdressing-gown，withasilkhandkerchiefboundacrosshistemples。Hisusuallypalefacewasflushedandfeverish；hiseyeswerehalfclosed，untilhebecamesensibleofmypresence——andthenheopenedthemwideenough——onehandwasthrownlistlesslyoverthebackofthesofa，andheldasmallvolumewithwhich，apparently，hehadbeenvainlyattemptingtobeguilethewearyhours。Hedroppedit，however，inhisstartofindignantsurpriseasIadvancedintotheroomandstoodbeforehimontherug。Heraisedhimselfonhispillowsandgazeduponmewithequaldegreesofnervoushorror，anger，andamazementdepictedonhiscountenance。
`Mr。Markham，Iscarcelyexpectedthis！’hesaid；andthebloodlefthischeekashespoke。
`Iknowyoudidn’t，’answeredI；`butbequietaminute，andI’lltellyouwhatIcamefor。’UnthinkinglyIadvancedasteportwonearer。
Hewincedatmyapproach，withanexpressionofaversionandinstinctivephysicalfearanythingbutconciliatorytomyfeelings。Isteppedbackhowever。
`Makeyourstoryashortone，’saidhe，puttinghishandonthesmallsilverbellthatstoodonthetablebesidehim，——`orIshallbeobligedtocallforassistance。Iaminnostatetobearyourbrutalitiesnow，oryourpresenceeither。’Andintruththemoisturestartedfromhisporesandstoodonhispaleforeheadlikedew。
Suchareceptionwashardlycalculatedtodiminishthedifficultiesofmyunenviabletask。Itmustbeperformed，however，insomefashion；
andsoIplungedintoitatonce，andflounderedthroughitasIcould。
`Thetruthis，Lawrence，’saidI，`Ihavenotactedquitecorrectlytowardsyouoflate——especiallyonthislastoccasion；andI’mcomethinshort，toexpressmyregretforwhathasbeendone，andtobegyourpardon——Ifyoudon’tchoosetograntit，’Iaddedhastily，notlikingtheaspectofhisface，`it’snomatter——only，I’vedonemyduty——that’sall。’
`It’seasilydone，’repliedhe，withafaintsmileborderingonasneer：`toabuseyourfriendandknockhimonthehead，withoutanyassignablecause，andthentellhimthedeedwasnotquitecorrect，butit’snomatterwhetherhepardonsitornot。
`Iforgottotellyouthatitwasinconsequenceofamistake，’
mutteredI。`Ishouldhavemadeaveryhandsomeapology，butyouprovokedmesoconfoundedlywithyour。Well，Isupposeit’smyfault。Thefactis，Ididn’tknowthatyouwereMrs。Graham’sbrother，andIsawandheardsomethingsrespectingyourconducttowardsher，whichwerecalculatedtoawakenunpleasantsuspicions，thatallowmetosay，alittlecandourandconfidenceonyourpartmighthaveremoved；andatlast，IchancedtooverhearapartofaconversationbetweenyouandherthatmademethinkIhadarighttohateyou。
`AndhowcameyoutoknowthatIwasherbrother？’askedheinsomeanxiety。
`Shetoldmeherself。Shetoldmeall。SheknewImightbetrusted。Butyouneedn’tdisturb’yourselfaboutthat，Mr。Lawrence，forI’veseenthelastofher！’
`Thelast！isshegonethen？’
`No，butshehasbidadieutome；andIhavepromisednevertogonearthathouseagainwhilesheinhabitsit。’Icouldhavegroanedaloudatthebitterthoughtsawakenedbythisturninthediscourse。ButIonlyclenchedmyhands，andstampedmyfootupontherug。Mycompanionhowever，wasevidentlyrelieved。
`Youhavedoneright！’hesaidinatoneofunqualifiedapprobation，whilehisfacebrightenedintoalmostasunnyexpression。`Andasforthemistake，Iamsorryforbothoursakesthatitshouldhaveoccurred。Perhapsyoucanforgivemywantofcandour，andremember，assomepartialmitigationoftheoffence，howlittleencouragementtofriendlyconfidenceyouhavegivenmeoflate。’
`Yes，yes，Irememberitall：nobodycanblamememorethanI
blamemyselfinmyownheart——atanyrate，nobodycanregretmoresincerelythanIdotheresultofmybrutalityasyourightlytermit。’
`Nevermindthat，’saidhe，faintlysmiling；`letusforgetallunpleasantwordsonbothsides，aswellasdeeds，andconsigntooblivioneverythingthatwehavecausetoregret。Haveyouanyobjectiontotakemyhand——oryou’drathernot？’Ittrembledthroughweakness，ashehelditout，anddroppedbeforeIhadtimetocatchitandgiveitaheartysqueeze，whichhehadnotthestrengthtoreturn。
`HowdryandburningyourhandisLawrence，’saidI。`Youarereallyill，andIhavemadeyouworsebyallthistalk。’
`Oh，itisnothing：onlyacoldgotbytherain。’
`Mydoing，too。’
`Nevermindthat——buttellme，didyoumentionthisaffairtomysister？’
`Toconfessthetruth，Ihadnotthecouragetodoso；butwhenyoutellher，willyoujustsaythatIdeeplyregretit，and——’
`Oh，neverfear！Ishallsaynothingagainstyou，aslongasyoukeepyourgoodresolutionofremainingalooffromher。Shehasnotheardofmyillnessthen，thatyouareawareof？’
`Ithinknot。’
`I’mgladofthat，forIhavebeenallthistimetormentingmyselfwiththefearthatsomebodywouldtellherIwasdying，ordesperatelyill，andshewouldbeeitherdistressingherselfonaccountofherinabilitytohearfrommeordomeanygood，orperhapscommittingthemadnessofcomingtoseeme。Imustcontrivetoletherknowsomethingaboutit，ifIcan，’continuedhereflectively，`orshewillbehearingsomesuchstory。
Manywouldbegladtotellhersuchnews，justtoseehowshewouldtakeit；andthenshemightexposeherselftofreshscandal。’
`IwishIhadtoldher，’saidI。`Ifitwerenotformypromise，Iwouldtellhernow。
`Bynomeans！Iamnotdreamingofthat；——butifIweretowriteashortnote，now——notmentioningyou，Markham，butjustgivingaslightaccountofmyillness，bywayofexcuseformynotcomingtoseeher，andtoputheronherguardagainstanyexaggeratedreportsshemayhear，——andaddressitinadisguisedhand——wouldyoudomethefavourtoslipitintothepost-officeasyoupass？forIdarenottrustanyoftheservantsinsuchacase。
MostwillinglyIconsented，andimmediatelybroughthimhisdesk。
Therewaslittleneedtodisguisehishand，forthepoorfellowseemedtohaveconsiderabledifficultyinwritingatall，soastobelegible。
Whenthenotewasdone，Ithoughtittimetoretire，andtookleaveafteraskingiftherewasanythingintheworldIcoulddoforhim，littleorgreat，inthewayofalleviatinghissufferings，andrepairingtheinjuryIhaddone。
`No，’saidhe；`youhavealreadydonemuchtowardsit；youhavedonemoreformethanthemostskilfulphysiciancoulddo；foryouhaverelievedmymindoftwogreatburdens——anxietyonmysister’saccount，anddeepregretuponyourown，forIdobelievethesetwosourcesoftormenthavehadmoreeffectinworkingmeupintoafever，thananythingelse；
andIampersuadedIshallsoonrecovernow。Thereisonemorethingyoucandoforme，andthatis，comeandseemenowandthen——foryouseeI
amverylonelyhere，andIpromiseyourentranceshallnotbedisputedagain。’
Iengagedtodoso，anddepartedwithacordialpressureofthehand。Ipostedtheletteronmywayhome，mostmanfullyresistingthetemptationofdroppinginawordfrommyselfatthesametime。
