butinadditiontothis，Ihadagloomyconvictionthattheawfulrealitiesshehadseenandfelt，herreconciliationwiththemanshehadonceloved，hisdreadfulsufferingsanddeath，musteventuallyeffacefromhermindalltracesofherpassingloveforme。Shemightrecoverfromthesehorrorssofarastoberestoredtoherformerhealth，hertranquillity，hercheerfulnesseven——Butnevertothosefeelingswhichwouldappeartoher，henceforth，asafleetingfancy，avain；illusivedream；especiallyastherewasnoonetoremindherofmyexistence——nomeansofassuringherofmyferventconstancy，nowthatweweresofarapart，anddelicacyforbademetoseeherortowritetoher，formonthstocomeatleast。AndhowcouldIengageherbrotherinmybehalf？howcouldIbreakthaticycrustofshyreserve？
Perhapshewoulddisapproveofmyattachmentnow，ashighlyasbefore；
perhapshewouldthinkmetoopoor——toolowlyborn，tomatchwithhissister。
Yes，therewasanotherbarrier：doubtlesstherewasawidedistinctionbetweentherankandcircumstancesofMrs。Huntingdon，theladyofGrassdaleManor，andthoseofMrs。Grahamtheartist，thetenantofWildfellHall；
anditmightbedeemedpresumptioninmetooffermyhandtotheformer——bytheworld，byherfriends——ifnotbyherself——apenaltyImightbrave，ifIwerecertainshelovedme；butotherwise，howcouldI？And，finally，herdeceasedhusband，withhisusualselfishness，mighthavesoconstructedhiswillastoplacerestrictionsuponhermarryingagain。SothatyouseeIhadreasonsenoughfordespairifIchosetoindulgeit。
Nevertheless，itwaswithnosmalldegreeofimpatiencethatI
lookedforwardtoMr。Lawrence’sreturnfromGrassdale——impatiencethatincreasedinproportionashisabsencewasprolonged。Hestayedawaysometenortwelvedays。Allveryrightthatheshouldremaintocomfortandhelphissister，buthemighthavewrittentotellmehowshewas，——oratleasttotellmewhentoexpecthisreturn；forhemighthaveknownIwassufferingtorturesofanxietyforher，anduncertaintyformyownfutureprospects。Andwhenhedidreturn，allhetoldmeabouther，wasthatshehadbeengreatlyexhaustedandwornbyherunremittingexertionsinbehalfofthatmanwhohadbeenthescourgeofherlife，andhaddraggedherwithhimnearlytotheportalsofthegrave，——andwasstillmuchshakenanddepressedbyhismelancholyendandthecircumstancesattendantuponit；butnowordinreferencetomemointimationthatmynamehadeverpassedherlips，orevenbeenspokeninherpresence。Tobesure，Iaskednoquestionsonthesubject：Icouldnotbringmymindtodoso，believing，asIdid，thatLawrencewasindeedaversetotheideaofmyunionwithhissister。
Isawthatheexpectedtobefurtherquestionedconcerninghisvisit，andIsawtoo，withthekeenperceptionofawakenedjealousy，oralarmedself-esteem——orbywhatevernameIoughttocallit——thatherathershrankfromthatimpendingscrutiny，andwasnolesspleasedthansurprisedtofinditdidnotcome。Ofcourse，Iwasburningwithanger，butprideobligedmetosuppressmyfeelings，andpreserveasmoothface——oratleast，astoiccalmnessthroughouttheinterview。Itwaswellitdid，for，reviewingthematterinmysoberjudgment，Imustsayitwouldhavebeenhighlyabsurdandimpropertohavequarrelledwithhimonsuchanoccasion：ImustconfesstoothatIwrongedhiminmyheart：thetruthwas，helikedmeverywell，buthewasfullyawarethataunionbetweenMrs。Huntingdonandmewouldbewhattheworldcallsamesalliance；anditwasnotinhisnaturetosettheworldatdefiance；——especiallyinsuchacaseasthis，foritsdreadlaugh，orillopinion，wouldbefarmoreterribletohimdirectedagainsthissisterthanhimself。Hadhebelievedthataunionwasnecessarytothehappinessofboth，orofeither，orhadheknownhowferventlyI
lovedher，hewouldhaveacteddifferently；butseeingmesocalmandcool，hewouldnotfortheworlddisturbmyphilosophy；andthoughrefrainingentirelyfromanyactiveoppositiontothematch，hewouldyetdonothingtobringitabout，andwouldmuchrathertakethepartofprudence，inaidingustoovercomeourmutualpredilections，thanthatoffeeling，toencouragethem。`Andhewasintherightofit，’youwillsay。Perhapshewas——atanyrate，IhadnobusinesstofeelsobitterlyagainsthimasIdid；butIcouldnotthenregardthematterinsuchamoderatelight；
and，afterabriefconversationuponindifferenttopics，Iwentaway，sufferingallthepangsofwoundedprideandinjuredfriendship，inadditiontothoseresultingfromthefearthatIwasindeedforgotten，andtheknowledgethatsheIlovedwasaloneandafflicted，sufferingfrominjuredhealthanddejectedspirits，andIwasforbiddentoconsoleorassisther——forbiddeneventoassureherofmysympathy，forthetransmissionofanysuchmessagethroughMr。Lawrencewasnowcompletelyoutofthequestion。
ButwhatshouldIdo？Iwouldwait，andseeifshewouldnoticeme——whichofcourseshewouldnot，unlessbysomekindmessageintrustedtoherbrother，that，inallprobability，hewouldnotdeliver，andthen——dreadfulthought！——shewouldthinkmecooledandchangedfornotreturningit——orperhaps，hehadalreadygivenhertounderstandthatIhadceasedtothinkofher！Iwouldwait，however，tillthesixmonthsafterourpartingwerefairlypassed(whichwouldbeaboutthecloseofFebruary)，andthenI
wouldsendheralettermodestlyremindingherofherformerpermissiontowritetoheratthecloseofthatperiod，andhopingImightavailmyselfofit，atleasttoexpressmyheart-feltsorrowforherlateafflictions，myjustappreciationofhergenerousconduct，andmyhopethatherhealthwasnowcompletelyre-established，andthatshewould，sometime，bepermittedtoenjoythoseblessingsofapeaceful，happylife，whichhadbeendeniedhersolong，butwhichnonecouldmoretrulybesaidtomeritthanherself，——addingafewwordsofkindremembrancetomylittlefriendArthur，withahopethathehadnotforgottenme，and，perhaps，afewmoreinreferencetoby-gonetimes——tothedelightfulhoursIhadpassedinhersociety，andmyunfadingrecollectionofthem，whichwasthesaltandsolaceofmylife，——andahopethatherrecenttroubleshadnotentirelybanishedmefromhermind——Ifshedidnotanswerthis，ofcourseIshouldwritenomore：ifshedid(assurelyshewould，insomefashion)myfutureproceedingsshouldberegulatedbyherreply。
Tenweekswaslongtowaitinsuchamiserablestateofuncertainty，butcourage！itmustbeendured；——andmeantimeIwouldcontinuetoseeLawrencenowandthen，thoughnotsooftenasbefore，andIwouldstillpursuemyhabitualenquiriesafterhissister——ifhehadlatelyheardfromher，andhowshewas，butnothingmore。
Ididso，andtheanswersIreceivedwerealwaysprovokinglylimitedtotheletteroftheenquiry：Shewasmuchasusual：Shemadenocomplaints，butthetoneofherlastletterevincedgreatdepressionofmind：Shesaidshewasbetter：——and，finally：——Shesaidshewaswell，andverybusywithherson’seducation，andwiththemanagementofherlatehusband’spropertyandtheregulationofhisaffairs。Therascalhadnevertoldmehowthatpropertywasdisposed，orwhetherMr。Huntingdonhaddiedintestateornot；andIwouldsoonerdiethanaskhim，lestheshouldmisconstrueintocovetousnessmydesiretoknow。Heneverofferedtoshowmehissister’slettersnow；andIneverhintedawishtoseethem。February，however，wasapproaching；Decemberwaspast，January，atlength，wasalmostovertfewmoreweeks，andthen，certaindespairorrenewalofhopewouldputanendtothislongagonyofsuspense。
Butalas！itwasjustaboutthattimeshewascalledtosustainanotherblowinthedeathofheruncleworthlessoldfellowenough，inhimself，Idaresay，buthehadalwaysshownmorekindnessandaffectiontoherthantoanyothercreature，andshehadalwaysbeenaccustomedtoregardhimasaparent。Shewaswithhimwhenhedied，andhadassistedheraunttonursehimduringthelaststageofhisillness。HerbrotherwenttoStaningleytoattendthefuneral，andtoldme，uponhisreturn，thatshewasstillthere，endeavouringtocheerherauntwithherpresence，andlikelytoremainsometime。Thiswasbadnewsforme，forwhileshecontinuedthere，Icouldnotwritetoher，asIdidnotknowtheaddress，andwouldnotaskitofhim。Butweekfollowedweek，andeverytimeIenquiredabouthershewasstillatStaningley。
`WhereisStaningley？’Iaskedatlast。
`Inshire，’wasthebriefreply：andtherewassomethingsocoldanddryinthemannerofit，thatIwaseffectuallydeterredfromrequestingamoredefiniteaccount。
`WhenwillshereturntoGrassdale？’wasmynextquestion。
`Idon’tknow。’
`Confoundit！’Imuttered。
`Why，Markham？’askedmycompanion，withanairofinnscentsurprise。
ButIdidnotdeigntoanswerhim，savebyalookofsilent，sullencontempt，atwhichheturnedaway，andcontemplatedthecarpetwithaslightsmile，halfpensive，halfamused；butquicklylookingup，hebegantotalkofothersubjects，tryingtodrawmeintoacheerfulandfriendlyconversation；
butIwastoomuchirritatedtodiscoursewithhim，andsoontookleave。
YouseeLawrenceandIsomehowcouldnotmanagetogetonverywelltogether。Thefactis，Ibelieve，wewerebothofusalittletootouchy。ItisatroublesomethingHalford，thissusceptibilitytoaffrontswherenoneareintended。Iamnomartyrtoitnow，asyoucanbearmewitness：
Ihavelearnedtobemerryandwise，tobemoreeasywithmyselfandmoreindulgenttomyneighbours，andIcanaffordtolaughatbothLawrenceandyou。
Partlyfromaccident，partlyfromwilfulnegligenceonmypart(forIwasreallybeginningtodislikehim)，severalweekselapsedbeforeIsawmyfriendagain。Whenwedidmeet，itwashethatsoughtmeout。OnebrightmorningearlyinJune，hecameintothefieldwhereIwasjustcommencingmyhayharvest。
`ItislongsinceIsawyou，Markham，’saidheafterthefirstfewwordshadpassedbetweenus。`DoyounevermeantocometoWoodfordagain？’
`Icalledonce，andyouwereout。’
`Iwassorry：butthatwaslongsince；Ihopedyouwouldcallagain；andnow，Ihavecalled，andyouwereout——whichyougenerallyare，orIwoulddomyselfthepleasureofcallingmorefrequently——Butbeingdeterminedtoseeyouthistime，Ihaveleftmyponyinthelane，andcomeoverhedgeandditchtojoinyou；forIamabouttoleaveWoodfordforawhile，andmaynothavethepleasureofseeingyouagainforamonthortwo。’
`Whereareyougoing？’
`ToGrassdalefirst，’saidhe，withahalf-smilehewouldwillinglyhavesuppressedifhecould。
`ToGrassdale！Isshethere，then？’
`Yes，butinadayortwoshewillleaveittoaccompanyMrs。
MaxwelltoFforthebenefitoftheseaair；andIshallgowiththem。’
(Fwasatthattimeaquietbutrespectablewateringplace：itisconsiderablymorefrequentednow。)
Lawrenceseemedtoexpectmetotakeadvantageofthiscircumstancetointrusthimwithsomesortofamessagetohissister；andIbelievehewouldhaveundertakentodeliveritwithoutanymaterialobjections，ifIhadhadthesensetoaskhim；thoughofcoursehewouldnotoffertodoso，ifIwascontenttoletitalone。ButIcouldnotbringmyselftomaketherequest；anditwasnottillafterhewasgone，thatIsawhowfairanopportunityIhadlost；andthen，indeed，Ideeplyregrettedmystupidityandmyfoolishpride；butitwasnowtoolatetoremedytheevil。
HedidnotreturntilltowardsthelatterendofAugust。HewrotetometwiceorthricefromF；buthislettersweremostprovokinglyunsatisfactory，dealingingeneralitiesorintriflesthatIcarednothingabout，orrepletewithfanciesandreflectionsequallyunwelcometomeatthetime，——sayingnexttonothingabouthissister，andlittlemoreabouthimself。Iwouldwait，however，tillhecameback：perhapsIcouldgetsomethingmoreoutofhimthen。Atallevents，Iwouldnotwritetohernow，whileshewaswithhimandheraunt，whodoubtlesswouldbestillmorehostiletomypresumptuousaspirationsthanhimself。Whenshewasreturnedtothesilenceandsolitudeofherownhomeitwouldbemyfittestopportunity。
WhenLawrencecame，however，hewasasreservedaseveronthesubjectofmykeenanxiety。HetoldmethathissisterhadderivedconsiderablebenefitfromherstayatF——，thathersonwasquitewell，and——alas！thatbothofthemweregone，withMrs。Maxwell，backtoStaningley；——andtheretheystayedatleastthreemonths。Butinsteadofboringyouwithmychagrin，myexpectationsanddisappointments，myfluctuationsofdulldespondencyandflickeringhope，myvaryingresolutions，nowtodropit，andnowtopersevere——nowtomakeaboldpush，andnowtoletthingspassandpatientlyabidemytime，——Iwillemploymyselfinsettlingthebusinessofoneortwoofthecharacters，introducedinthecourseofthisnarrative，whomImaynothaveoccasiontomentionagain。
