I’vethoughtofathing。”Hewhiskedout，leavingmetoexaminethisnuclearspotatleisurewhilehisvoicebecamedictatorialwithout。Thedenstruckmeasinitslargegreydirtywayquiteunprecedentedandextraordinary。ThebottleswerealllabelledsimplyA，B，C，andsoforth，andthatdearoldapparatusabove，seenfromthisside，wasevenmorepatiently“ontheshelf“thanwhenithadbeenusedtoimpressWimblehurst。Isawnothingforitbuttositdowninthechairandawaitmyuncle’sexplanations。Iremarkedafrock-coatwithsatinlapelsbehindthedoor；therewasadignifiedumbrellainthecornerandaclothes-brushandahat-brushstoodonaside-table。Myunclereturnedinfiveminuteslookingathiswatch——agoldwatch——
“Gettin’lunch-time，George。”hesaid。“You’dbettercomeandhavelunchwithme！”
“How’sAuntSusan？”Iasked。
“Exuberant。Neversawhersolarky。Thishasbuckedherupsomethingwonderful——allthis。”
“Allwhat？”
“Tono-Bungay。”
“WhatisTono-Bungay？”Iasked。
Myunclehesitated。“Tellyouafterlunch，George。”hesaid。
“Comealong！”andhavinglockedupthesanctumafterhimself，ledthewayalonganarrowdirtypavement，linedwithbarrowsandsweptattimesbyavalanche-likeportersbearingburthenstovans，toFarringdonStreet。Hehailedapassingcabsuperbly，andthecabmanwasinfinitelyrespectful。“Schafer’s。”hesaid，andoffwewentsidebyside——andwithmemoreandmoreamazedatallthesethings——toSchafer’sHotel，thesecondofthetwobigplaceswithhugelacecurtain-coveredwindows，nearthecornerofBlackfriarsBridge。
IwillconfessIfeltamagiccharminourrelativeproportionsasthetwocolossal，pale-blue-and-redliveriedportersofSchafers’heldopentheinnerdoorsforuswitharespectfulsalutationthatinsomemannertheyseemedtoconfinewhollytomyuncle。Insteadofbeingaboutfourinchestaller，Ifeltatleastthesamesizeashe，andverymuchslenderer。Stillmorerespectful——waitersrelievedhimofthenewhatandthedignifiedumbrella，andtookhisordersforourlunch。Hegavethemwithafineassurance。
Henoddedtoseveralofthewaiters。
“Theyknowme，George，already。”hesaid。“Pointmeout。Liveplace！Eyeforcomingmen！”
Thedetailedbusinessofthelunchengagedourattentionforawhile，andthenIleantacrossmyplate。“AndNOW？”saidI。
“It’sthesecretofvigour。Didn’tyoureadthatlabel？”
“Yes，but——“
“It’ssellinglikehotcakes。”
“Andwhatisit？”Ipressed。
“Well。”saidmyuncle，andthenleantforwardandspokesoftlyundercoverofhishand，“It’snothingmoreorlessthan。”
(Buthereanunfortunatescrupleintervenes。Afterall，Tono-Bungayisstillamarketablecommodityandinthehandsofpurchasers，whoboughtitfrom——amongothervendors——me。No！I
amafraidIcannotgiveitaway——)
“Yousee。”saidmyuncleinaslowconfidentialwhisper，witheyesverywideandacreasedforehead，“it’snicebecauseofthe“
(herehementionedaflavouringmatterandanaromaticspirit)，“it’sstimulatingbecauseof“(herehementionedtwoveryvividtonics，onewithamarkedactiononthekidney。)“Andthe“(herehementionedtwootheringredients)“makesitprettyintoxicating。Cockstheirtails。Thenthere’s“(butItouchontheessentialsecret。)“Andthereyouare。Igotitoutofanoldbookofrecipes——allexceptthe“(herehementionedthemorevirulentsubstance，theonethatassailsthekidneys)，“whichismyidea！Moderntouch！Thereyouare！”
Herevertedtothedirectionofourlunch。
Presentlyhewasleadingthewaytothelounge——sumptuouspieceinredmoroccoandyellowglazedcrockery，withincrediblevistasofsetteesandsofasandthings，andthereIfoundmyselfgroupedwithhimintwoexcessivelyupholsteredchairswithanearthenwareMoorishtablebetweenusbearingcoffeeandBenedictine，andIwastastingthedelightsofatenpennycigar。
Myunclesmokedasimilarcigarinanhabituatedmanner，andhelookedenergeticandknowingandluxuriousandmostunexpectedlyalittlebounder，roundtheendofit。Itwasjustatrivialflawuponourswagger，perhapsthatwebothwereclearourcigarshadtobe“mild。”Hegotobliquelyacrossthespacesofhisgreatarmchairsoastoinclineconfidentiallytomyear，hecurleduphislittlelegs，andI，inmylongerway，adoptedacorrespondingreceptiveobliquity。Ifeltthatweshouldstrikeanunbiasedobserverasacoupleofverydeepandwilyanddevelopingandrepulsivepersons。
“Iwanttoletyouintothis“——puff——“George。”saidmyuncleroundtheendofhiscigar。“Formanyreasons。”
Hisvoicegrewlowerandmorecunning。Hemadeexplanationsthattomyinexperiencedidnotcompletelyexplain。Iretainanimpressionofalongcreditandasharewithafirmofwholesalechemists，ofacreditandaprospectivesharewithsomepirateprinters，ofathirdshareforaleadingmagazineandnewspaperproprietor。
“Iplayed’emoffoneagainsttheother。”saidmyuncle。Itookhispointinaninstant。Hehadgonetoeachoftheminturnandsaidtheothershadcomein。
“Iputupfourhundredpounds。”saidmyuncle，“myselfandmyall。Andyouknow——“
Heassumedabriskconfidence。“Ihadn’tfivehundredpence。Atleast——“
Foramomenthereallywasjustalittleembarrassed。“IDID“hesaid，“producecapital。Yousee，therewasthattrustaffairofyours——Iought，Isuppose——instrictlegality——tohaveputthatstraightfirst。Zzzz。
“Itwasaboldthingtodo。”saidmyuncle，shiftingthevenuefromtheregionofhonourtotheregionofcourage。Andthenwithacharacteristicoutburstofpiety，“ThankGodit’sallcomeright！
“Andnow，Isuppose，youaskwheredoYOUcomein？Well，factisI’vealwaysbelievedinyou，George。You’vegot——it’sasortofdismalgrit。Barkyourshins，rouseyou，andyou’llgo！
You’drushanypositionyouhadamindtorush。Iknowabitaboutcharacter，George——trustme。You’vegot——“Heclenchedhishandsandthrustthemoutsuddenly，andatthesametimesaid，withexplosiveviolence，“Wooosh！Yes。Youhave！ThewayyouputawaythatLatinatWimblehurst；I’veneverforgottenit。
Wo-oo-oo-osh！Yourscienceandallthat！Wo-oo-oo-osh！Iknowmylimitations。There’sthingsIcando，and“(hespokeinawhisper，asthoughthiswasthefirsthintofhislife’ssecret)
“there’sthingsIcan’t。Well，Icancreatethisbusiness，butI
can’tmakeitgo。I’mtoovoluminous——I’maboiler-over，notasimmeringstick-at-it。YoukeeponHOTTINGUPANDHOTTINGUP。
Papin’sdigester。That’syou，steadyandlongandpilingup，——then，wo-oo-oo-oo-osh。Comeinandstiffentheseniggers。
Teachthemthatwo-oo-oo-oo-osh。Thereyouare！That’swhatI’mafter。You！Nobodyelsebelievesyou’remorethanaboy。Comerightinwithmeandbeaman。Eh，George？Thinkofthefunofit——athingonthego——aRealLiveThing！Wooshingitup！
Makingitbuzzandspin！Whoo-oo-oo。”——Hemadealluringexpandingcirclesintheairwithhishand。“Eh？”
Hisproposal，sinkingtoconfidentialundertonesagain，tookmoredefiniteshape。Iwastogiveallmytimeandenergytodevelopingandorganising。“Youshan’twriteasingleadvertisement，orgiveasingleassurance“hedeclared。“Icandoallthat。”Andthetelegramvasnoflourish；Iwastohavethreehundredayear。Threehundredayear。(“That’snothing。”
saidmyuncle，“thethingtofreezeonto，whenthetimecomes，isyourtenthofthevendor’sshare。”)
Threehundredayearcertain，anyhow！Itwasanenormousincometome。ForamomentIwasaltogetherstaggered。Couldtherebethatmuchmoneyinthewholeconcern？IlookedaboutmeatthesumptuousfurnitureofSchafer’sHotel。Nodoubtthereweremanysuchincomes。
MyheadwasspinningwithunwontedBenedictineandBurgundy。
“Letmegobackandlookatthegameagain。”Isaid。“Letmeseeupstairsandroundabout。”
Idid。
“Whatdoyouthinkofitall？”myuncleaskedatlast。
“Well，foronething。”Isaid，“whydon’tyouhavethosegirlsworkinginadecentlyventilatedroom？Apartfromanyotherconsideration，they’dworktwiceasbriskly。Andtheyoughttocoverthecorksbeforelabellingroundthebottle“
“Why？”saidmyuncle。
“Because——theysometimesmakeamuckerofthecorkjob，andthenthelabel’swasted。”
“Comeandchangeit，George。”saidmyuncle，withsuddenfervour“Comehereandmakeamachineofit。Youcan。Makeitallslick，andthenmakeitwoosh。Iknowyoucan。Oh！Iknowyoucan。”
