AreyouboredwithyourDinner。AreyouboredwithyourWife？”——
that，too，wasinourGowerStreetdays。BoththesewehadinourfirstcampaignwhenweworkedLondonsouthcentral，andwest；
andthen，too，wehadourfirstposter——theHEALTH，BEAUTY，AND
STRENGTHone。Thatwashisdesign；Ihappenstilltohavegotbymethefirstsketchhemadeforit。IhavereproduceditherewithoneortwootherstoenablethereadertounderstandthementalqualitythatinitiatedthesefamiliarornamentsofLondon。
(Thesecondoneisabouteighteenmonthslater，thegermofthewell-known“Fog“poster；thethirdwasdesignedforaninfluenzaepidemic，butneverissued。)
Thesethingswereonlyincidentalinmydepartment。
Ihadtopolishthemupfortheartistandarrangethebusinessofprintinganddistribution，andaftermyunclehadhadaviolentandneedlessquarrelwiththeadvertisingmanageroftheDailyRegulatorabouttheamountofdisplaygiventooneofhishappythoughts，Ialsotookupthenegotiationsofadvertisementsforthepress。
Wediscussedandworkedoutdistributiontogetherfirstinthedrawing-roomfloorinGowerStreetwithmyauntsometimeshelpingveryshrewdly，andthen，withasteadilyimprovingtypeofcigarandolderandolderwhisky，inhissmuggeryattheirfirsthouse，theoneinBeckenham。Oftenweworkedfarintothenightsometimesuntildawn。
Wereallyworkedinfernallyhard，and，Irecall，weworkedwithaverydecidedenthusiasm，notsimplyonmyuncle’spartbutmine，Itwasagame，anabsurdbutabsurdlyinterestinggame，andthepointswerescoredincasesofbottles。Peoplethinkahappynotionisenoughtomakeamanrich，thatfortunescanbemadewithouttoil。It’sadream，aseverymillionaire(exceptoneortwoluckygamblers)cantestify；IdoubtifJ。D。RockefellerintheearlydaysofStandardOil，workedharderthanwedid。Weworkedfarintothenight——andwealsoworkedallday。Wemadearuletobealwaysdroppinginatthefactoryunannouncedtokeepthingsright——foratfirstwecouldaffordnoproperlyresponsibleunderlings——andwetraveledLondon，pretendingtobeourownrepresentativesandmakingallsortsofspecialarrangements。
Butnoneofthiswasmyspecialwork，andassoonaswecouldgetothermenin，Idroppedthetraveling，thoughmyunclefounditparticularlyinterestingandkeptitupforyears。“Doesmegood，George，toseethechapsbehindtheircounterslikeIwasonce。”heexplained。MyspecialanddistinctivedutywastogiveTono-Bungaysubstanceandanoutwardandvisiblebottle，totranslatemyuncle’sgreatimaginingsintothecreationofcaseaftercaseoflabelledbottlesofnonsense，andthepunctualdischargeofthembyrailway，roadandsteamertowardstheirultimategoalintheGreatStomachofthePeople。Byallmodernstandardsthebusinesswas，asmyunclewouldsay，“absolutelybonafide。”Wesoldourstuffandgotthemoney，andspentthemoneyhonestlyinliesandclamourtosellmorestuff。SectionbysectionwespreaditoverthewholeoftheBritishIsles；
firstworkingthemiddle-classLondonsuburbs，thentheoutersuburbs，thenthehomecounties，thengoing(withnewbillsandamorepiousstyleof“ad“)intoWales，agreatfieldalwaysforanewpatent-medicine，andthenintoLancashire。
MyunclehadinhisinnerofficeabigmapofEngland，andaswetookupfreshsectionsofthelocalpressandourconsignmentsinvadednewareas，flagsforadvertisementsandpinkunderlinesforordersshowedourprogress。
“Theromanceofmoderncommerce，George！”myunclewouldsay，rubbinghishandstogetheranddrawinginairthroughhisteeth。“Theromanceofmoderncommerce，eh？Conquest。Provincebyprovince。Likesogers。”
WesubjugatedEnglandandWales；werolledovertheCheviotswithaspecialadaptationcontainingelevenpercent。ofabsolutealcohol；“Tono-Bungay：ThistleBrand。”WealsohadtheFogposteradaptedtoakiltedBritoninamistyHighlandscene。
Undertheshadowofourgreatleadinglinewewerepresentlytakingsubsidiaryspecialtiesintoaction；“Tono-BungayHairStimulant“wasourfirstsupplement。Thencame“ConcentratedTono-Bungay“fortheeyes。Thatdidn’tgo，butwehadaconsiderablesuccesswiththeHairStimulant。Webroachedthesubject，Iremember，inalittlecatechismbeginning：“Whydoesthehairfallout？Becausethefolliclesarefagged。Whatarethefollicles？。”SoitwentontotheclimaxthattheHairStimulantcontainedall“Theessentialprinciplesofthatmostrevivingtonic，Tono-Bungay，togetherwithanemollientandnutritiousoilderivedfromcrudeNeat’sFootOilbyaprocessofrefinement，separationanddeodorization。ItwillbemanifesttoanyoneofscientificattainmentsthatinNeat’sFootOilderivedfromthehoofsandhornsofbeasts，wemustnecessarilyhaveanaturalskinandhairlubricant。”
Andwealsodidadmirablethingswithournextsubsidiaries，“Tono-BungayLozenges。”and“Tono-BungayChocolate。”Theseweurgeduponthepublicfortheirextraordinarynutritiveandrecuperativevalueincasesoffatigueandstrain。Wegavethempostersandillustratedadvertisementsshowingclimbershangingfrommarvelouslyverticalcliffs，cyclistchampionsuponthetrack，mountedmessengersengagedinAix-to-Ghentrides，soldierslyingoutinactionunderahotsun。“YoucanGOfortwenty-fourhours。”wedeclared，“onTono-BungayChocolate。”Wedidn’tsaywhetheryoucouldreturnonthesamecommodity。Wealsoshowedadreadfullybarristerishbarrister，wig，side-whiskers，teeth，ahorriblylife-likeportraitofallexistingbarristers，talkingatatable，andbeneath，thislegend：“AFourHours’SpeechonTono-BungayLozenges，andasfreshaswhenhebegan。”Thenbroughtinregimentsofschool-teachers，revivalistministers，politiciansandthelike。Ireallydobelievetherewasanelementof“kick“inthestrychnineintheselozenges，especiallyinthosemadeaccordingtoourearlierformula。Forwealteredallourformulae——invariablyweakeningthemenormouslyassalesgotahead。
Inalittlewhile——soitseemstomenow——wewereemployingtravelersandopeningupGreatBritainattherateofahundredsquaremilesaday。Alltheorganisationthroughoutwassketchedinacrude，entangled，half-inspiredfashionbymyuncle，andallofithadtobeworkedoutintoapracticableschemeofquantitiesandexpenditurebyme。Wehadalotoftroublefindingourtravelers；intheendatleasthalfofthemwereIrish-Americans，awonderfulbreedforsellingmedicine。Wehadstillmoretroubleoverourfactorymanager，becauseofthesecretsoftheinnerroom，andintheendwegotaverycapablewoman，Mrs。HamptonDiggs，whohadformerlymanagedalargemillineryworkroom，whomwecouldtrusttokeepeverythingingoodworkingorderwithoutfindingoutanythingthatwasn’tputexactlyunderherloyalandenergeticnose。SheconceivedahighopinionofTono-BungayandtookitinallformsandlargequantitiessolongasIknewher。Itdidn’tseemtodoheranyharm。Andshekeptthegirlsgoingquitewonderfully。
Myuncle’slastadditiontotheTono-BungaygroupwastheTono-BungayMouthwash。Thereaderhasprobablyreadahundredtimesthatinspiringinquiryofhis，“YouareYoungYet，butareyouSureNothinghasAgedyourGums？”
AndafterthatwetookovertheagencyforthreeorfourgoodAmericanlinesthatworkedinwithourown，andcouldbehandledwithit；TexanEmbrocation，and“23——toclearthesystem“werethechief。
Isetdownthesebarefacts。Tometheyarealllinkedwiththefigureofmyuncle。InsomeoftheoldseventeenthandearlyeighteenthcenturyprayerbooksatBladesoverthereusedtobeillustrationswithlongscrollscomingoutofthemouthsofthewood-cutfigures。IwishIcouldwriteallthislastchapteronascrollcomingoutoftheheadofmyuncle，showitallthetimeasunfoldingandpouringoutfromashort，fattening，small-leggedmanwithstiffcroppedhair，disobedientglassesonaperkylittlenose，andaroundstarebehindthem。IwishI
couldshowyouhimbreathinghardandalittlethroughhisnoseashispenscrabbledoutsomeabsurdinspirationforaposterorapicturepage，andmakeyouhearhisvoice，chargedwithsolemnimportlikethevoiceofasqueakyprophet，saying，“George！
list’n！Igotanideer。Igotanotion！George！”
Ishouldputmyselfintothesamepicture。Bestsettingforus，Ithink，wouldbetheBeckenhamsnuggery，becausethereweworkedhardest。Itwouldbethelamplitroomoftheearlynineties，andtheclockuponthemantelwouldindicatemidnightorlater。Wewouldbesittingoneithersideofthefire，Iwithapipe，myunclewithacigarorcigarette。Therewouldbeglassesstandinginsidethebrassfender。Ourexpressionswouldbeverygrave。Myuncleusedtositrightbackinhisarmchair；
histoesalwaysturnedinwhenhewassittingdownandhislegshadawayoflookingcurved，asthoughtheyhadn’tbonesorjointsbutwerestuffedwithsawdust。
“George，whad’yerthinkofT。B。forsea-sickness？”hewouldsay。
“NogoodthatIcanimagine。”
“Oom！NoharmTRYING，George。Wecanbuttry。”
Iwouldsuckmypipe。“Hardtogetat。Unlesswesoldourstuffspeciallyatthedocks。MightdoaspecialatCook’soffice，orintheContinentalBradshaw。”
“It’udgive’emconfidence，George。”
HewouldZzzz，withhisglassesreflectingtheredoftheglowingcoals。
“NogoodhidingourlightunderaBushel。”hewouldremark。
IneverreallydeterminedwhethermyuncleregardedTono-Bungayasafraud，orwhetherhedidn’tcometobelieveinitinakindofwaybythemerereiterationofhisownassertions。Ithinkthathisaverageattitudewasoneofkindly，almostparental，toleration。Iremembersayingononeoccasion，“Butyoudon’tsupposethisstuffeverdidahumanbeingtheslightestgoodall？”andhowhisfaceassumedalookofprotest，asofonereprovingharshnessanddogmatism。
“You’veahardnature，George。”hesaid。“You’retooreadytorunthingsdown。HowcanoneTELL？HowcanoneventuretoTELL！。”
Isupposeanycreativeanddevelopinggamewouldhaveinterestedmeinthoseyears。Atanyrate，IknowIputasmuchzealintothisTono-Bungayasanyyounglieutenantcouldhavedonewhosuddenlyfoundhimselfincommandofaship。Itwasextraordinarilyinterestingtometofigureouttheadvantageaccruingfromthisshorteningoftheprocessorthat，andtoweighitagainstthecapitalcostofthealteration。Imadeasortofmachineforstickingonthelabels，thatIpatented；tothisdaythereisalittletrickleofroyaltiestomefromthat。
Ialsocontrivedtohaveourmixturemadeconcentrated，gotthebottles，whichallcameslidingdownaguardedslant-way，nearlyfilledwithdistilledwateratonetap，anddrippedourmagicingredientsinatthenext。Thiswasanimmenseeconomyofspacefortheinnersanctum。Forthebottlingweneededspecialtaps，andthese，too，Iinventedandpatented。
