Idostillrecallastheworstandmostdisastrousaspectofallthattime，herabsolutedisregardofherownbeauty。It’sthepettiestthingtorecord，Iknow，butshecouldwearcurl-papersinmypresence。Itwasheridea，too，to“wearout“heroldclothesandherfailuresathomewhen“noonewaslikelytoseeher“——“noone“beingmyself。Sheallowedmetoaccumulateastoreofungraciousandslovenlymemories。
Allourconceptionsoflifediffered。Irememberhowwedifferedaboutfurniture。WespentthreeorfourdaysinTottenhamCourtRoad，andshechosethethingsshefanciedwithaninexorableresolution，——sweepingasidemysuggestionswith——“Oh，YOUwantsuchqueerthings。”Shepursuedsomelimited，clearlyseenandexperiencedideal——thatexcludedallotherpossibilities。Overeverymantelwasamirrorthatwasdraped，oursideboardwaswonderfullygoodandsplendidwithbeveledglass，wehadlampsonlongmetalstalksandcozycornersandplantsingrog-tubs。
Smithieapproveditall。Therewasn’taplacewhereonecouldsitandreadinthewholehouse。Mybookswentuponshelvesinthedining-roomrecess。AndwehadapianothoughMarion’splayingwasatanelementarylevel。
Youknow，itwasthecruelestluckforMarionthatI，withmyrestlessness，myscepticism，myconstantlydevelopingideas，hadinsistedonmarriagewithher。Shehadnofacultyofgrowthorchange；shehadtakenhermould，shehadsetinthelimitedideasofherpeculiarclass。Shepreservedherconceptionofwhatwasrightindrawing-roomchairsandinmarriageceremonialandineveryrelationoflifewithasimpleandluminoushonestyandconviction，withanimmenseunimaginativeinflexibility——asatailor-birdbuildsitsnestorabeavermakesitsdam。
Letmehastenoverthishistoryofdisappointmentsandseparation。Imighttellofwaxingsandwaningoflovebetweenus，butthewholewaswaning。Sometimesshewoulddothingsforme，makemeatieorapairofslippers，andfillmewithnonethelessgratitudebecausethethingswereabsurd。Sheranourhomeandouroneservantwithahard，brightefficiency。Shewasinordinatelyproudofhouseandgarden。Always，byherlights，shedidherdutybyme。
PresentlytherapiddevelopmentofTono-Bungaybegantotakemeintotheprovinces，andIwouldbeawaysometimesforaweektogether。Thisshedidnotlike；itlefther“dull。”shesaid，butafteratimeshebegantogotoSmithie’sagainandtodevelopanindependenceofme。AtSmithie’sshewasnowawomanwithaposition；shehadmoneytospend。ShewouldtakeSmithietotheatresandouttolunchandtalkinterminablyofthebusiness，andSmithiebecameasortofpermanentweekenderwithus。AlsoMariongotaspanielandbegantodabblewiththeminorarts，withpoker-workandaKodakandhyacinthsinglasses。Shecalledonceonaneighbour。HerparentsleftWalhamGreen——herfatherseveredhisconnectionwiththegas-works——andcametoliveinasmallhouseItookforthemnearus，andtheyweremuchwithus。
Oddthelittlenessofthethingsthatexasperatewhenthefountainsoflifeareembittered！Myfather-in-lawwasperpetuallycatchingmeinmoodymomentsandurgingmetotaketogardening。Heirritatedmebeyondmeasure。
“Youthinktoomuch。”hewouldsay。“Ifyouwastoletinabitwithaspade，youmightsoon’avethatgardenofyoursaVisionofFlowers。That’sbetterthanthinking，George。”
Orinatorrentofexasperation，“ICARN’Tthink，George，whyyoudon’tgetabitofglass’ere。Thissunnycorneryouc’ddowonderswithabitofglass。”
Andinthesummertimehenevercameinwithoutperformingasortofconjuringtrickinthehall，andtakingcucumbersandtomatoesfromunexpectedpointsofhisperson。“Allouto’MYlittlebit。”he’dsayinexemplarytones。Heleftatrailofvegetableproduceinthemostunusualplaces，onmantelboards，sideboards，thetopsofpictures。Heavens！howthesuddenunexpectedtomatocouldannoyme！。
ItdidmuchtowidenourestrangementthatMarionandmyauntfailedtomakefriends，became，byasortofinstinct，antagonistic。
Myaunt，tobeginwith，calledratherfrequently，forshewasreallyanxioustoknowMarion。Atfirstshewouldarrivelikeawhirlwindandpervadethehousewithanatmosphereofhello！Shedressedalreadywiththatcheerfullyextravagantabandonthatsignalisedheraccessiontofortune，anddressedherbestforthesevisits。
Shewantedtoplaythemothertome，Ifancy，totellMarionoccultsecretsaboutthewayIworeoutmybootsandhowInevercouldthinktoputonthickerthingsincoldweather。ButMarionreceivedherwiththatdefensivesuspiciousnessoftheshyperson，thinkingonlyofthepossiblecriticismofherself；andmyaunt，perceivingthis，becamenervousandslangy。
“Shesayssuchqueerthings。”saidMariononce，discussingher。
“ButIsupposeit’switty。”
“Yes。”Isaid；“itISwitty。”
“IfIsaidthingslikeshedoes——“
Thequeerthingsmyauntsaidwerenothingtothequeerthingsshedidn’tsay。Irememberherinourdrawing-roomoneday，andhowshecockedhereye——it’stheonlyexpression——attheIndia-rubberplantinaDoulton-warepotwhichMarionhadplacedonthecornerofthepiano。
Shewasontheveryvergeofspeech。Thensuddenlyshecaughtmyexpression，andshrankuplikeacatthathasbeendiscoveredlookingatthemilk。
Thenawickedimpulsetookher。
“Didn’tsayanoldword，George。”sheinsisted，lookingmefullintheeye。
Ismiled。“You’readear。”Isaid，“notto。”asMarioncameloweringintotheroomtowelcomeher。ButIfeltextraordinarilylikeatraitor——totheIndia-rubberplant，Isuppose——forallthatnothinghadbeensaid。
“YourauntmakesGameofpeople。”wasMarion’sverdict，and，open-mindedly：“Isupposeit’sallright。forher。”
SeveraltimeswewenttothehouseinBeckenhamforlunch，andonceortwicetodinner。Myauntdidherpeculiarbesttobefriends，butMarionwasimplacable。Shewasalso，Iknow，intenselyuncomfortable，andsheadoptedashersocialmethod，anexhaustingsilence，replyingcompactlyandwithoutgivingopeningstoanythingthatwassaidtoher。
Thegapsbetweenmyaunt’svisitsgrewwiderandwider。
MymarriedexistencebecameatlastlikeanarrowdeepgrooveinthebroadexpanseofinterestsinwhichIwasliving。Iwentabouttheworld；Imetagreatnumberofvariedpersonalities；I
readendlessbooksintrainsasIwenttoandfro。Idevelopedsocialrelationshipsatmyuncle’shousethatMariondidnotshare。Theseedsofnewideaspouredinuponmeandgrewinme。
Thoseearlyandmiddleyearsofone’sthirddecadeare，I
suppose，foramantheyearsofgreatestmentalgrowth。Theyarerestlessyearsandfullofvagueenterprise。
EachtimeIreturnedtoEaling，lifethereseemedmorealien，narrow，andunattractive——andMarionlessbeautifulandmorelimitedanddifficult——untilatlastshewasrobbedofeveryparticleofhermagic。Shegavemealwaysacoolerwelcome，I
think，untilsheseemedentirelyapathetic。Ineveraskedmyselfthenwhatheartachesshemighthideorwhatherdiscontentsmightbe。
Iwouldcomehomehopingnothing，expectingnothing。
Thiswasmyfatedlife，andIhadchosenit。IbecamemoresensitivetothedefectsIhadoncedisregardedaltogether；I
begantoassociatehersallowcomplexionwithhertemperamentalinsufficiency，andtheheavierlinesofhermouthandnostrilwithhermoodsofdiscontent。Wedriftedapart；widerandwiderthegapopened。Itiredofbaby-talkandstereotypedlittlefondlings；Itiredofthelatestintelligencefromthosewonderfulworkrooms，andshoweditalltooplainly；wehardlyspokewhenwewerealonetogether。Themereunreciprocatedphysicalresidueofmypassionremained——anexasperationbetweenus。
Nochildrencametosaveus。MarionhadacquiredatSmithie’sadisgustanddreadofmaternity。Allthatwasthefruitionandquintessenceofthe“horrid“elementsinlife，adisgustingthing，alastindignitythatovertookunwarywomen。Idoubtindeedalittleifchildrenwouldhavesavedus；weshouldhavedifferedsofatallyabouttheirupbringing。
Altogether，IremembermylifewithMarionasalongdistress，nowhard，nowtender。ItwasinthosedaysthatIfirstbecamecriticalofmylifeandburdenedwithasenseoferrorandmaladjustment。Iwouldlieawakeinthenight，askingmyselfthepurposeofthings，reviewingmyunsatisfying，ungainlyhome-life，mydaysspentinrascalenterpriseandrubbish-selling，contrastingallIwasbeinganddoingwithmyadolescentambitions，myWimblehurstdreams。Mycircumstanceshadanairoffinality，andIaskedmyselfinvainwhyIhadforcedmyselfintothem。
Theendofourintolerablesituationcamesuddenlyandunexpectedly，butinawaythatIsupposewasalmostinevitable。
Myalienatedaffectionswandered，andIwasunfaithfultoMarion。
Iwon’tpretendtoextenuatethequalityofmyconduct。Iwasayoungandfairlyvigorousmale；allmyappetiteforlovehadbeenrousedandwhettedandnoneofithadbeensatisfiedbymyloveaffairandmymarriage。Ihadpursuedanelusivegleamofbeautytothedisregardofallelse，andithadfailedme。IthadfadedwhenIhadhopeditwouldgrowbrighter。Idespairedoflifeandwasembittered。AndthingshappenedasIamtelling。Idon’tdrawanymoralatallinthematter，andasforsocialremedies，Ileavethemtothesocialreformer。I’vegottoatimeoflifewhentheonlytheoriesthatinterestmearegeneralisationsaboutrealities。
TogotoourinnerofficeinRaggettStreetIhadtowalkthrougharoominwhichthetypistsworked。Theywerethecorrespondencetypists；ourbooksandinvoicinghadlongsinceoverflowedintothepremiseswehadhadthelucktosecureoneithersideofus。
Iwas，Imustconfess，alwaysinafaintlycloudily-emotionalwayawareofthatcollectionofforthemostpartround-shoulderedfemininity，butpresentlyoneofthegirlsdetachedherselffromtheothersandgotarealholduponmyattention。Iappreciatedheratfirstasastraightlittleback，aneaterbackthananyoftheothers；asasoftlyroundedneckwithasmilingnecklaceofshampearls；aschestnuthairveryneatlydone——andasaside-longglance；presentlyasaquicklyturnedfacethatlookedforme。
MyeyewouldseekherasIwentthroughonbusinessthings——I
