Shemadenoanswer。Shewalkedacrosstheroomtothepianoandbegantoplay，rathernoisilyandrapidly，withoddgustsofemphasis，theshepherd’spipemusicfromthelastactin“TristanandIsolde。”Presentlyshemissedanote，failedagain，ranherfingerheavilyupthescale，struckthepianopassionatelywithherfist，makingafeeblejarinthetreble，jumpedup，andwentoutoftheroom。
Thenursefoundmestillwearingmyhelmetofbandages，partiallydressed，andpotteringroundtheroomtofindtherestofmyclothes。IwasinastateofexasperatedhungerforBeatrice，andIwastooinflamedandweakenedtoconcealthestateofmymind。Iwasfeeblyangrybecauseoftheirritationofdressing，andparticularlyofthestruggletoputonmytrouserswithoutbeingabletoseemylegs。Iwasstaggeringabout，andonceI
hadfallenoverachairandIhadupsetthejarofMichaelmasdaisies。
Imusthavebeenadetestablespectacle。“I’llgobacktobed。”
saidI，“ifImayhaveawordwithMissBeatrice。I’vegotsomethingtosaytoher。That’swhyI’mdressing。”
Mypointwasconceded，buttherewerelongdelays。WhetherthehouseholdhadmyultimatumorwhethershetoldBeatricedirectlyIdonotknow，andwhatLadyOspreycanhavemadeofitintheformercaseIdon’timagine。
AtlastBeatricecameandstoodbymybedside。“Well？”shesaid。
“AllIwanttosay。”Isaidwiththequerulousnoteofamisunderstoodchild，“isthatIcan’ttakethisasfinal。IwanttoseeyouandtalkwhenI’mbetter，andwrite。Ican’tdoanythingnow。Ican’targue。”
Iwasovertakenwithself-pityandbegantosnivel，“Ican’trest。Yousee？Ican’tdoanything。”
Shesatdownbesidemeagainandspokesoftly。“IpromiseIwilltalkitalloverwithyouagain。Whenyouarewell。IpromiseI
willmeetyousomewheresothatwecantalk。Youcan’ttalknow。
Iaskedyounottotalknow。Allyouwanttoknowyoushallknow。Willthatdo？”
“I’dliketoknow“
Shelookedroundtoseethedoorwasclosed，stoodupandwenttoit。
Thenshecrouchedbesidemeandbeganwhisperingverysoftlyandrapidlywithherfaceclosetome。
“Dear。”shesaid，“Iloveyou。Ifitwillmakeyouhappytomarryme，Iwillmarryyou。Iwasinamoodjustnow——astupid，inconsideratemood。OfcourseIwillmarryyou。Youaremyprince，myking。Womenaresuchthingsofmood——orIwouldhavebehaveddifferently。Wesay’No’whenwemean’Yes’——andflyintocrises。Sonow，Yes——yes——yes。Iwill。Ican’tevenkissyou。Givemeyourhandtokissthat。Understand，Iamyours。
Doyouunderstand？Iamyoursjustasifwehadbeenmarriedfiftyyears。Yourwife——Beatrice。Isthatenough？Now——nowwillyourest？”
“Yes。”Isaid，“butwhy？”
“Therearecomplications。Therearedifficulties。Whenyouarebetteryouwillbeableto——understandthem。Butnowtheydon’tmatter。Onlyyouknowthismustbesecret——foratime。
Absolutelysecretbetweenus。Willyoupromisethat？”
“Yes。”Isaid，“Iunderstand。IwishIcouldkissyou。”
Shelaidherheaddownbesidemineforamomentandthenshekissedmyhand。
“Idon’tcarewhatdifficultiesthereare。”Isaid，andIshutmyeyes。
ButIwasonlybeginningtogaugetheunaccountableelementsinBeatrice。ForaweekaftermyreturntoLadyGroveIhadnosignofher，andthenshecalledwithLadyOspreyandbroughtahugebunchofperennialsunflowersandMichaelmasdaisies，“justtheoldflowerstherewereinyourroom。”saidmyaunt，witharelentlesseyeonme。Ididn’tgetanytalkalonewithBeatricethen，andshetookoccasiontotellusshewasgoingtoLondonforsomeindefinitenumberofweeks。Icouldn’tevenpledgehertowritetome，andwhenshediditwasabrief，enigmatical，friendlyletterwithnotawordoftherealitybetweenus。
Iwrotebackaloveletter——myfirstloveletter——andshemadenoreplyforeightdays。Thencameascrawl：“Ican’twriteletters。Waittillwecantalk。Areyoubetter？”
IthinkthereaderwouldbeamusedifhecouldseethepapersonmydeskasIwriteallthis，themangledanddisfiguredpages，theexperimentalarrangementsofnotes，thesheetsofsuggestionsbalancedinconstellations，theblottesqueintellectualbattlegroundsoverwhichIhavebeenfighting。IfindthisaccountofmyrelationstoBeatricequitethemostdifficultpartofmystorytowrite。Ihappentobeaveryobjective-mindedperson，Iforgetmymoods，andthiswassomuchanaffairofmoods。AndevensuchmoodsandemotionsasIrecallareverydifficulttoconvey。Tomeitisaboutasdifficultasdescribingatasteorascent。
Thentheobjectivestoryismadeupoflittlethingsthataredifficulttosetinaproperorder。Andloveinanhystericalpassion，nowhigh，nowlow，nowexalted，andnowintenselyphysical。Noonehaseveryetdaredtotellalovestorycompletely，itsalternations，itscomingsandgoings，itsdebasedmoments，itshate。Thelovestorieswetell，tellonlythenetconsequence，therulingeffect。
HowcanIrescuefromthepastnowthemysticalqualityofBeatrice；myintenselongingforher；theoverwhelming，irrational，formlessdesire？HowcanIexplainhowintimatelythatworshipmingledwithahigh，impatientresolvetomakehermine，totakeherbystrengthandcourage，todomylovinginaviolentheroicmanner？Andthenthedoubts，thepuzzledarrestatthefactofherfluctuations，atherrefusaltomarryme，atthefactthatevenwhenatlastshereturnedtoBedleyCornersheseemedtoevademe？
Thatexasperatedmeandperplexedmebeyondmeasure。
Ifeltthatitwastreachery。Ithoughtofeveryconceivableexplanation，andthemostexaltedandromanticconfidenceinherdidnotsimplyalternate，butmingledwiththebasestmisgivings。
AndintothetangleofmemoriescomesthefigureofCarnaby，comingoutslowlyfromthebackgroundtoapositionofsignificance，asaninfluence，asapredominantstrandinthenetsthatkeptusapart，asarival。Whatweretheforcesthatpulledherawayfrommewhenitwassoclearlymanifestshelovedme？Didshethinkofmarryinghim？HadIinvadedsomelong-plannedscheme？Itwasevidenthedidnotlikeme，thatinsomewayIspoilttheworldforhim。ShereturnedtoBedleyCorner，andforsomeweeksshewasflittingaboutme，andneveroncecouldIhavetalkwithheralone。WhenshecametomyshedsCarnabywasalwayswithher，jealouslyobservant。(Whythedevilcouldn’tshesendhimabouthisbusiness？)Thedaysslippedbyandmyangergathered。
AllthismingleswiththemakingofLordRobertsB。IhadresolveduponthatonenightasIlayawakeatBedleyCorner；I
gotitplannedoutbeforethebandageswereoffmyface。I
conceivedthissecondnavigableballooninagrandiosemanner。
ItwastobeasecondLordRobertsA，onlymoreso；itwastobethreetimesasbig，largeenoughtocarrythreemen，anditwastobeanaltogethertriumphantvindicationofmyclaimsupontheair。Theframeworkwastobehollowlikeabird’sbones，airtight，andtheairpumpedinorout，andtheweightoffuelI
carriedchanged。ItalkedmuchandboastedtoCothope——whomI
suspectedofscepticismsaboutthisnewtype——ofwhatitwoulddo，anditprogressed——slowly。ItprogressedslowlybecauseI
wasrestlessanduncertain。AttimesIwouldgoawaytoLondontosnatchsomechanceofseeingBeatricethere，attimesnothingbutadayofglidingandhardanddangerousexercisewouldsatisfyme。Andnowinthenewspapers，inconversation，ineverythingaboutme，aroseanewinvaderofmymentalstates。
Somethingwashappeningtothegreatschemesofmyuncle’saffairs；peoplewerebeginningtodoubt，toquestion。Itwasthefirstquiverofhistremendousinsecurity，thefirstwobbleofthatgiganticcredittophehadkeptspinningsolong。
Therewerecomingsandgoings，NovemberandDecemberslippedby。
IhadtwounsatisfactorymeetingswithBeatrice，meetingsthathadnoprivacy——inwhichwesaidthingsofthesortthatneedatmosphere，baldlyandfurtively。IwrotetoherseveraltimesandshewrotebacknotesthatIwouldsometimesrespondtoaltogether，sometimescondemnasinsincereevasions。“Youdon’tunderstand。Ican’tjustnowexplain。Bepatientwithme。
Leavethingsalittlewhiletome。”Shewrote。
Iwouldtalkaloudtothesenotesandwrangleovertheminmyworkroom——whiletheplansofLordRobertsBwaited。
“Youdon’tgivemeachance！”Iwouldsay。“Whydon’tyouletmeknowthesecret？That’swhatI’mfor——tosettledifficulties！
totelldifficultiesto！”
