第1章

bySaki（H。H。Munro） Contents： ReginaldReginaldonChristmasPresentsReginaldontheAcademyReginaldattheTheatreReginald’sPeacePoemReginald’sChoirTreatReginaldonWorriesReginaldonHouse—PartiesReginaldattheCarltonReginaldonBesettingSinsReginald’sDramaReginaldonTariffsReginald’sChristmasRevelReginald’sRubaiyatTheInnocenceofReginaldREGINALD Ididit——Iwhoshouldhaveknownbetter。IpersuadedReginaldtogototheMcKillops’garden—partyagainsthiswill。 Weallmakemistakesoccasionally。 \"Theyknowyou’rehere，andthey’llthinkitsofunnyifyoudon’tgo。AndIwantparticularlytobeinwithMrs。 McKillopjustnow。\" \"Iknow，youwantoneofhersmokePersiankittensasaprospectivewifeforWumples——orahusband，isit？\" （Reginaldhasamagnificentscornfordetails，otherthansartorial。）\"AndIamexpectedtoundergosocialmartyrdomtosuittheconnubialexigencies\"— \"Reginald！It’snothingofthekind，onlyI’msureMrs。 McKillopWouldbepleasedifIbroughtyou。Youngmenofyourbrilliantattractionsareratheratapremiumathergarden—parties。\" \"Shouldbeatapremiuminheaven，\"remarkedReginaldcomplacently。 \"Therewillbeveryfewofyouthere，ifthatiswhatyoumean。Butseriously，therewon’tbeanygreatstrainuponyourpowersofendurance；Ipromiseyouthatyoushan’thavetoplaycroquet，ortalktotheArchdeacon’swife，ordoanythingthatislikelytobringonphysicalprostration。 Youcanjustwearyoursweetestclothesandmoderatelyamiableexpression，andeatchocolate—creamswiththeappetiteofablaseparrot。Nothingmoreisdemandedofyou。\" Reginaldshuthiseyes。\"Therewillbetheexhaustinglyup— to—dateyoungwomenwhowillaskmeifIhaveseenSanToy： alessprogressivegradewhowillyearntohearabouttheDiamondJubilee——thehistoricevent，notthehorse。Withalittleencouragement，theywillinquireifIsawtheAlliesmarchintoParis。Whyarewomensofondofrakingupthepast？They’reasbadastailors，whoinvariablyrememberwhatyouowethemforasuitlongafteryou’veceasedtowearit。\" \"I’llorderlunchforoneo’clock；thatwillgiveyoutwoandahalfhourstodressin。\" Reginaldpuckeredhisbrowintoatorturedfrown，andIknewthatmypointwasgained。Hewasdebatingwhattiewouldgowithwhichwaistcoat。 EventhenIhadmymisgivings。 *** DuringthedrivetotheMcKillops’Reginaldwaspossessedwithagreatpeace，whichwasnotwhollytobeaccountedforbythefactthathehadinveigledhisfeetintoshoesasizetoosmallforthem。Imisgavemorethanever，andhavingoncelaunchedReginaldontotheMcKillops’lawn，I establishedhimnearaseductivedishofmarronsglaces，andasfarfromtheArchdeacon’swifeaspossible；asIdriftedawaytoadiplomaticdistanceIheardwithpainfuldistinctnesstheeldestMawkbygirlaskinghimifhehadseenSanToy。 Itmusthavebeentenminuteslater，notmore，andIhadbeenhavingQUITEanenjoyablechatwithmyhostess，andhadpromisedtolendherTheEternalCityandmyrecipeforrabbitmayonnaise，andwasjustabouttoofferakindhomeforherthirdPersiankitten，whenIperceived，outofthecornerofmyeye，thatReginaldwasnotwhereIhadlefthim，andthatthemarronsglaceswereuntasted。AtthesamemomentIbecameawarethatoldColonelMendozawasessayingtotellhisclassicstoryofhowheintroducedgolfintoIndia，andthatReginaldwasindangerousproximity。ThereareoccasionswhenReginaldiscaviaretotheColonel。 \"WhenIwasatPoonain’76\"— \"MydearColonel，\"purredReginald，\"fancyadmittingsuchathing！Suchagive—awayforone’sage！Iwouldn’tadmitbeingonthisplanetin’76。\"（Reginaldinhiswildestlapsesintoveracityneveradmitstobeingmorethantwenty— two。） TheColonelwenttothecolourofafigthathasattainedgreatripeness，andReginald，ignoringmyeffortstointercepthim，glidedawaytoanotherpartofthelawn。I foundhimafewminuteslaterhappilyengagedinteachingtheyoungestRampageboytheapprovedtheoryofmixingabsinthe，withinfullearshotofhismother。Mrs。RampageoccupiesaprominentplaceinlocalTemperancemovements。 AssoonasIhadbrokenupthisunpromisingtete—a—teteandsettledReginaldwherehecouldwatchthecroquetplayerslosingtheirtempers，Iwanderedofftofindmyhostessandrenewthekittennegotiationsatthepointwheretheyhadbeeninterrupted。Ididnotsucceedinrunningherdownatonce，andeventuallyitwasMrs。McKillopwhosoughtmeout，andherconversationwasnotofkittens。 \"YourcousinisdiscussingZazawiththeArchdeacon’swife； atleast，heisdiscussing，sheisorderinghercarriage。\" Shespokeinthedry，staccatotoneofonewhorepeatsaFrenchexercise，andIknewthatasfarasMillieMcKillopwasconcerned，Wumpleswasdevotedtoalifelongcelibacy。 \"Ifyoudon’tmind，\"Isaidhurriedly，\"Ithinkwe’dlikeourcarriageorderedtoo，\"andImadeaforcedmarchinthedirectionofthecroquet—ground。 IfoundeveryonetalkingnervouslyandfeverishlyoftheweatherandthewarinSouthAfrica，exceptReginald，whowasreclininginacomfortablechairwiththedreamy，far—awaylookthatavolcanomightwearjustafterithaddesolatedentirevillages。TheArchdeacon’swifewasbuttoninguphergloveswithaconcentrateddeliberationthatwasfearfultobehold。IshallhavetotreblemysubscriptiontoherCheerfulSundayEveningsFundbeforeIdaresetfootinherhouseagain。 Atthatparticularmomentthecroquetplayersfinishedtheirgame，whichhadbeengoingonwithoutasymptomoffinalityduringthewholeafternoon。Why，Iask，shouldithavestoppedpreciselywhenacounter—attractionwassonecessary？ Everyoneseemedtodrifttowardstheareaofdisturbance，ofwhichthechairsoftheArchdeacon’swifeandReginaldformedthestorm—centre。Conversationflagged，andtheresettleduponthecompanythatexpectanthushthatprecedesthedawn—— whenyourneighboursdon’thappentokeeppoultry。 \"WhatdidtheCaspianSea？\"askedReginald，withappallingsuddenness。 Thereweresymptomsofastampede。TheArchdeacon’swifelookedatme。Kiplingorsomeonehasdescribedsomewherethelookafounderedcamelgiveswhenthecaravanmovesonandleavesittoitsfate。Thepeptonisedreproachinthegoodlady’seyesbroughtthepassagevividlytomymind。 Iplayedmylastcard。 \"Reginald，it’sgettinglate，andasea—mistiscomingon。\" Iknewthattheelaboratecurloverhisrighteyebrowwasnotguaranteedtosurviveasea—mist。 \"Never，neveragain，willItakeyoutoagarden—party。 Never……Youbehavedabominably……WhatdidtheCaspiansee？\" AshadeofgenuineregretformisusedopportunitiespassedoverReginald’sface。 \"Afterall，\"hesaid，\"Ibelieveanapricottiewouldhavegonebetterwiththelilacwaistcoat。\" REGINALDONCHRISTMASPRESENTS Iwishittobedistinctlyunderstood（saidReginald）thatI don’twanta\"George，PrinceofWales\"Prayer—bookasaChristmaspresent。Thefactcannotbetoowidelyknown。 Thereought（hecontinued）tobetechnicaleducationclassesonthescienceofpresent—giving。Nooneseemstohavethefaintestnotionofwhatanyoneelsewants，andtheprevalentideasonthesubjectarenotcreditabletoacivilisedcommunity。 Thereis，forinstance，thefemalerelativeinthecountrywho\"knowsatieisalwaysuseful，\"andsendsyousomespottedhorrorthatyoucouldonlywearinsecretorinTottenhamCourtRoad。ItMIGHThavebeenusefulhadshekeptittotieupcurrantbusheswith，whenitwouldhaveservedthedoublepurposeofsupportingthebranchesandfrighteningawaythebirds——foritisanadmittedfactthattheordinarytomtitofcommercehasasounderaesthetictastethantheaveragefemalerelativeinthecountry。 Thenthereareaunts。Theyarealwaysadifficultclasstodealwithinthematterofpresents。Thetroubleisthatonenevercatchesthemreallyyoungenough。BythetimeonehaseducatedthemtoanappreciationofthefactthatonedoesnotwearredwoollenmittensintheWestEnd，theydie，orquarrelwiththefamily，ordosomethingequallyinconsiderate。Thatiswhythesupplyoftrainedauntsisalwayssoprecarious。 ThereismyAuntAgatha，parexemple，whosentmeapairofgloveslastChristmas，andevengotsofarastochooseakindthatwasbeingwornandhadthecorrectnumberofbuttons。But——THEYWERENINES！IsentthemtoaboywhomI hatedintimately：hedidn’twearthem，ofcourse，buthecouldhave——thatwaswherethebitternessofdeathcamein。 Itwasnearlyasconsolingassendingwhiteflowerstohisfuneral。OfcourseIwroteandtoldmyauntthattheyweretheonethingthathadbeenwantingtomakeexistenceblossomlikearose；Iamafraidshethoughtmefrivolous——shecomesfromtheNorth，wheretheyliveinthefearofHeavenandtheEarlofDurham。（Reginaldaffectsanexhaustiveknowledgeofthingspolitical，whichfurnishesanexcellentexcusefornotdiscussingthem。）Auntswithadashofforeignextractioninthemarethemostsatisfactoryinthewayofunderstandingthesethings；butifyoucan’tchooseyouraunt，itiswisestinthelong—runtochoosethepresentandsendherthebill。 Evenfriendsofone’sownset，whomightbeexpectedtoknowbetter，havecuriousdelusionsonthesubject。IamNOT collectingcopiesofthecheapereditionsofOmarKhayyam。I gavethelastfourthatIreceivedtothelift—boy，andI liketothinkofhimreadingthem，withFitzGerald’snotes，tohisagedmother。Lift—boysalwayshaveagedmothers； showssuchnicefeelingontheirpart，Ithink。 Personally，Ican’tseewherethedifficultyinchoosingsuitablepresentslies。NoboywhohadbroughthimselfupproperlycouldfailtoappreciateoneofthosedecorativebottlesofliqueursthataresoreverentlystagedinMorel’swindow——anditwouldn’tintheleastmatterifonedidgetduplicates。AndtherewouldalwaysbethesuprememomentofdreadfuluncertaintywhetheritwascremedementheorChartreuse——liketheexpectantthrillonseeingyourpartner’shandturnedupatbridge。PeoplemaysaywhattheylikeaboutthedecayofChristianity；thereligioussystemthatproducedgreenChartreusecanneverreallydie。 Andthen，ofcourse，thereareliqueurglasses，andcrystallisedfruits，andtapestrycurtains，andheapsofothernecessariesoflifethatmakereallysensiblepresents— —nottospeakofluxuries，suchashavingone’sbillspaid，orgettingsomethingquitesweetinthewayofjewellery。 UnliketheallegedGoodWomanoftheBible，I’mnotaboverubies。Whenfound，bytheway，shemusthavebeenratheraproblematChristmas—time；nothingshortofablankchequewouldhavefittedthesituation。Perhapsit’saswellthatshe’sdiedout。 Thegreatcharmaboutme（concludedReginald）isthatIamsoeasilypleased。 ButIdrawthelineata\"PrinceofWales\"Prayer—book。 REGINALDONTHEACADEMY \"OnegoestotheAcademyinself—defence，\"saidReginald。 \"ItistheonetopiconehasincommonwiththeCountryCousins。\" \"Itisalmostareligiousobservancewiththem，\"saidtheOther。\"AkindofartisticMecca，andwhenthegoodonesdietheygo\"— \"TotheChantreyBequest。Themysteryiswhattheyfindtotalkaboutinthecountry。\" \"Therearetwosubjectsofconversationinthecountry： Servants，andCanfowlsbemadetopay？Thefirst，I believe，iscompulsory，thesecondoptional。\" \"Asafunction，\"resumedReginald，\"theAcademyisafailure。\" \"Youthinkitwouldbetolerablewithoutthepictures？\" \"Thepicturesareallright，intheirway；afterall，onecanalwaysLOOKatthemifoneisboredwithone’ssurroundings，orwantstoavoidanimminentacquaintance。\" \"Eventhatdoesn’talwayssaveone。ThereistheinevitablefemalewhomyoumetonceinDevonshire，ortheMatoppoHills，orsomewhere，whochargesuptoyouwiththeremarkthatit’sfunnyhowonealwaysmeetspeopleoneknowsattheAcademy。 Personally，IDON’Tthinkitfunny。\" \"Isufferedinthatwayjustnow，\"saidReginaldplaintively，\"fromawomanwhosewordIhadtotakethatshehadmetmelastsummerinBrittany。\" \"Ihopeyouwerenottoobrutal？\" \"Imerelytoldherwithengagingsimplicitythattheartoflifewastheavoidanceoftheunattainable。\" \"Didshetryandworkitoutonthebackofhercatalogue？\" \"Notthereandthen。Shemurmuredsomethingaboutbeing’soclever。’FancycomingtotheAcademytobeclever！\" \"Tobecleverintheafternoonarguesthatoneisdiningnowhereintheevening。\" \"WhichremindsmethatIcan’trememberwhetherIacceptedaninvitationfromyoutodineatKettner’sto—night。\" \"Ontheotherhand，Icanrememberwithstartlingdistinctnessnothavingaskedyouto。\" \"Somuchcertaintyisunbecomingintheyoung；sowe’llconsiderthatsettled。Whatwereyoutalkingabout？Oh，pictures。Personally，Iratherlikethem；theyaresorefreshinglyrealandprobable，theytakeoneawayfromtheunrealitiesoflife。\" \"Onelikestoescapefromoneselfoccasionally。\" \"Thatisthedisadvantageofaportrait；asarule，one’sbitterestfriendscanfindnothingmoretoaskthanthefaithfulunlikenessthatgoesdowntoposterityasoneself。 Ihateposterity——it’ssofondofhavingthelastword。Ofcourse，asregardsportraits，thereareexceptions。\" \"Forinstance？\" \"TodiebeforebeingpaintedbySargentistogotoheavenprematurely。\" \"Withthenecessarycareandimpatience，youmayavoidthatcatastrophe。\" \"Ifyou’regoingtoberude，\"saidReginald，\"Ishalldinewithyouto—morrownightaswell。ThechiefviceoftheAcademy，\"hecontinued，\"isitsnomenclature。Why，forinstance，shouldanobvioustrout—streamwithapalpablerabbitsittingintheforegroundbecalled’aneveningdreamofunbecloudedpeace，’orsomethingofthatsort？\" \"Youthink，\"saidtheOther，\"thatanameshouldeconomisedescriptionratherthanstimulateimagination？\" \"Properlychosen，itshoulddoboth。Thereismyladykittenathome，forinstance；I’vecalleditDerry。\" \"Suggestsnothingtomyimaginationbutprotractedsiegesandreligiousanimosities。Ofcourse，Idon’tknowyourkitten\" — \"Oh，you’resilly。It’sasweetname，anditanswerstoit—— whenitwantsto。Then，ifthereareanyunseemlynoisesinthenight，theycanbeexplainedsuccinctly：DerryandToms。\" \"Youmightalmostchargefortheadvertisement。Butasappliedtopictures，don’tyouthinkyoursystemwouldbetoosubtle，say，fortheCountryCousins？\" \"Everyreformationmusthaveitsvictims。Youcan’texpectthefattedcalftosharetheenthusiasmoftheangelsovertheprodigal’sreturn。AnotherdarlingweaknessoftheAcademyisthatnoneofitsluminariesmust’arrive’inahurry。Youcanseethemcomingforyears，likeaBalkantroubleorastreetimprovement，andbythetimetheyhavepaintedathousandorsosquareyardsofcanvas，theirworkbeginstoberecognised。\" \"SomeonewhoMustNotbeContradictedsaidthatamanmustbeasuccessbythetimehe’sthirty，ornever。\" \"Tohavereachedthirty，\"saidReginald，\"istohavefailedinlife。\" REGINALDATTHETHEATRE \"Afterall，\"saidtheDuchessvaguely，\"therearecertainthingsyoucan’tgetawayfrom。Rightandwrong，goodconductandmoralrectitude，havecertainwell—definedlimits。\" \"So，forthematterofthat，\"repliedReginald，\"hastheRussianEmpire。Thetroubleisthatthelimitsarenotalwaysinthesameplace。\" ReginaldandtheDuchessregardedeachotherwithmutualdistrust，temperedbyascientificinterest。ReginaldconsideredthattheDuchesshadmuchtolearn；inparticular，nottohurryoutoftheCarltonasthoughafraidoflosingone’slast’bus。Awoman，hesaid，whoiscarelessofdisappearancesiscapableofleavingtownbeforeGood—wood，anddyingatthewrongmomentofanunfashionabledisease。 TheDuchessthoughtthatReginalddidnotexceedtheethicalstandardwhichcircumstancesdemanded。 \"Ofcourse，\"sheresumedcombatively，\"it’stheprevailingfashiontobelieveinperpetualchangeandmutability，andallthatsortofthing，andtosayweareallmerelyanimprovedformofprimevalape——ofcourseyousubscribetothatdoctrine？\" \"Ithinkitdecidedlypremature；inmostpeopleIknowtheprocessisfarfromcomplete。\" \"Andequallyofcourseyouarequiteirreligious？\" \"Oh，bynomeans。ThefashionjustnowisaRomanCatholicframeofmindwithanAgnosticconscience：yougetthemediaevalpicturesquenessoftheonewiththemodernconveniencesoftheother。\" TheDuchesssuppressedasniff。ShewasoneofthosepeoplewhoregardtheChurchofEnglandwithpatronisingaffection，asifitweresomethingthathadgrownupintheirkitchengarden。 \"Butthereareotherthings，\"shecontinued，\"whichIsupposearetoacertainextentsacredeventoyou。Patriotism，forinstance，andEmpire，andImperialresponsibility，andblood— is—thicker—than—water，andallthatsortofthing。\" Reginaldwaitedforacoupleofminutesbeforereplying，whiletheLordofRiminitemporarilymonopolisedtheacousticpossibilitiesofthetheatre。 \"Thatistheworstofatragedy，\"heobserved，\"onecan’talwayshearoneselftalk。OfcourseIaccepttheImperialideaandtheresponsibility。Afterall，IwouldjustassoonthinkinContinentsasanywhereelse。Andsomeday，whentheseasonisoverandwehavethetime，youshallexplaintometheexactblood—brotherhoodandallthatsortofthingthatexistsbetweenaFrenchCanadianandamildHindooandaYorkshireman，forinstance。\" \"Oh，well，’dominionoverpalmandpine，’youknow，\"quotedtheDuchesshopefully；\"ofcoursewemustn’tforgetthatwe’reallpartofthegreatAnglo—SaxonEmpire。\" \"WhichforitspartisrapidlybecomingasuburbofJerusalem。Averypleasantsuburb，Iadmit，andquiteacharmingJerusalem。Butstillasuburb。\" \"Really，tobetoldone’slivinginasuburbwhenoneisconsciousofspreadingthebenefitsofcivilisationallovertheworld！Philanthropy——IsupposeyouwillsayTHATisacomfortabledelusion；andyetevenyoumustadmitthatwheneverwantormiseryorstarvationisknowntoexist，howeverdistantordifficultofaccess，weinstantlyorganisereliefonthemostgenerousscale，anddistributeit，ifneedbe，totheuttermostendsoftheearth。\" TheDuchesspaused，withasenseofultimatetriumph。Shehadmadethesameobservationatadrawing—roommeeting，andithadbeenextremelywellreceived。 \"Iwonder，\"saidReginald，\"ifyouhaveeverwalkeddowntheEmbankmentonawinternight？\" \"Gracious，no，child！Whydoyouask？\" \"Ididn’t；Ionlywondered。Andevenyourphilanthropy，practisedinaworldwhereeverythingisbasedoncompetition，musthaveadebitaswellasacreditaccount。 Theyoungravenscryforfood。\" \"Andarefed。\" \"Exactly。Whichpresupposesthatsomethingelseisfedupon。\" \"Oh，you’resimplyexasperating。You’vebeenreadingNietzschetillyouhaven’tgotanysenseofmoralproportionleft。MayIaskifyouaregovernedbyANYlawsofconductwhatever？\" \"Therearecertainfixedrulesthatoneobservesforone’sowncomfort。Forinstance，neverbeflippantlyrudetoanyinoffensivegrey—beardedstrangerthatyoumaymeetinpineforestsorhotelsmoking—roomsontheContinent。ItalwaysturnsouttobetheKingofSweden。\" \"Therestraintmustbedreadfullyirksometoyou。WhenIwasyounger，boysofyourageusedtobeniceandinnocent。\" \"Nowweareonlynice。Onemustspecialiseinthesedays。 WhichremindsmeofthemanIreadofinsomesacredbookwhowasgivenachoiceofwhathemostdesired。Andbecausehedidn’taskfortitlesandhonoursanddignities，butonlyforimmensewealth，theseotherthingscametohimalso。\" \"Iamsureyoudidn’treadabouthiminanysacredbook。\" \"Yes；IfancyyouwillfindhiminDebrett。\" REGINALD’SPEACEPOEM \"I’mwritingapoemonPeace，\"saidReginald，emergingfromasweepingoperationthroughatinofmixedbiscuits，inwhosedepthsamacaroonortwomightyetbelurking。 \"Somethingofthekindseemstohavebeenattemptedalready，\" saidtheOther。 \"Oh，Iknow；butImayneverhavethechanceagain。Besides，I’vegotanewfountainpen。Idon’tpretendtohavegoneonanyveryoriginallines；inwritingaboutPeacethethingistosaywhateverybodyelseissaying，onlytosayitbetter。 Itbeginswiththeusualornithologicalemotion— ’WhenthewidgeonwestwardwingingHeardthefolkVereeniginging，Heardtheshoutingandthesinging’\"— \"Vereenigingingisgood，butwhywidgeon？\" \"Whynot？AnythingthatwingedwestwardwouldnaturallybeginwithaW。\" \"Needitwingwestward？\" \"Thebirdmustgosomewhere。Youwouldn’thaveithangaroundandlookfoolish。ThenI’vebroughtinsomethingabouttheheedlesshartebeestgallopingoverthedesertedveldt。\" \"Ofcourseyouknowit’spracticallyextinctinthoseregions？\" \"Ican’thelpTHAT，itgallopssonicely。Imakeithaveallsortsofunexpectedyearnings— ’Mother，mayIgoandmaffick，Teararoundandhindertraffic？’ Ofcourseyou’llsaytherewouldbenotrafficworthbotheringaboutonthebareandsun—scorchedveldt，butthere’snootherwordthatrhymeswithmaffick。\" \"Seraphic？\" Reginaldconsidered。\"Itmightdo，butI’vegotalotaboutangelslateron。YoumusthaveangelsinaPeacepoem；I knowdreadfullylittleabouttheirhabits。\" \"Theycandounexpectedthings，likethehartebeest。\" \"Ofcourse。ThenIturnonLondon，theCityofDreadfulNocturnes，resonantwithhymnsofjoyandthanksgiving— ’Andthesleeper，eyeunlidding，HeardavoiceforeverbiddingMuchfarewelltoDollyGray； Turningwearyonhistruckle— Bedheheardthehoney—suckleLaudedinapiarianlay。’ Longfellowathisbestwrotenothinglikethat。\" \"Iagreewithyou。\" \"Iwishyouwouldn’t。I’veasweettemper，butIcan’tstandbeingagreedwith。AndI’msoworriedabouttheaasvogel。\" Reginaldstareddismallyatthebiscuit—tin，whichnowpresentedanunattractivearrayofrejectedcracknels。 \"Ibelieve，\"hemurmured，\"ifIcouldfindawomanwithanunsatisfiedcravingforcracknels，Ishouldmarryher。\" \"Whatisthetragedyoftheaasvogel？\"askedtheOthersympathetically。 \"Oh，simplythatthere’snorhymeforit。IthoughtaboutitallthetimeIwasdressing——it’sdreadfullybadforonetothinkwhilstone’sdressing——andalllunch—time，andI’mstillhungupoverit。Ifeellikethoseunfortunateautomobilistswhoachieveanunenviablemotorietybycomingtoahopelessstopwiththeircarsinthemostcrowdedthoroughfares。I’mafraidIshallhavetodroptheaasvogel，anditdidgivesuchlovelylocalcolourtothething。\" \"Stillyou’vegottheheedlesshartebeest。\" \"Andquiteadecorativebitofmoraladmonition——whenyou’veworriedthemeaningout— ’Cease，War，thybubblingmadnessthatthewineshares，Andbidthylegionsturntheirswordstomineshares。’ Minesharesseemstofitthecasebetterthanploughshares。 There’slotsmoreabouttheblessingsofPeace，shallIgoonreadingit？\" \"IfImustmakeachoice，IthinkIwouldrathertheywentonwiththewar。\" REGINALD’SCHOIRTREAT \"Never，\"wroteReginaldtohismostdarlingfriend，\"beapioneer。It’stheEarlyChristianthatgetsthefattestlion。\" Reginald，inhisway，wasapioneer。 NoneoftherestofhisfamilyhadanythingapproachingTitianhairorasenseofhumour，andtheyusedprimrosesasatabledecoration。 ItfollowsthattheyneverunderstoodReginald，whocamedownlatetobreakfast，andnibbledtoast，andsaiddisrespectfulthingsabouttheuniverse。Thefamilyateporridge，andbelievedineverything，eventheweatherforecast。 Thereforethefamilywasrelievedwhenthevicar’sdaughterundertookthereformationofReginald。HernamewasAmabel； itwasthevicar’soneextravagance。Amabelwasaccountedabeautyandintellectuallygifted；sheneverplayedtennis，andwasreputedtohavereadMaeterlinck’sLifeoftheBee。 IfyouabstainfromtennisANDreadMaeterlinckinasmallcountryvillage，youareofnecessityintellectual。AlsoshehadbeentwicetoFecamptopickupagoodFrenchaccentfromtheAmericansstayingthere；consequentlyshehadaknowledgeoftheworldwhichmightbeconsideredusefulindealingswithaworldling。 HencethecongratulationsinthefamilywhenAmabelundertookthereformationofitswaywardmember。 Amabelcommencedoperationsbyaskingherunsuspectingpupiltoteainthevicaragegarden；shebelievedinthehealthyinfluenceofnaturalsurroundings，neverhavingbeeninSicily，wherethingsaredifferent。 Andlikeeverywomanwhohaseverpreachedrepentancetounregenerateyouth，shedweltonthesinofanemptylife，whichalwaysseemssomuchmorescandalousinthecountry，wherepeopleriseearlytoseeifanewstrawberryhashappenedduringthenight。 Reginaldrecalledtheliliesofthefield，\"whichsimplysatandlookedbeautiful，anddefiedcompetition。\" \"Butthatisnotanexampleforustofollow，\"gaspedAmabel。 \"Unfortunately，wecan’taffordto。Youdon’tknowwhataworldoftroubleItakeintryingtorivaltheliliesintheirartisticsimplicity。\" \"Youarereallyindecentlyvainofyourappearance。Agoodlifeisinfinitelypreferabletogoodlooks。\" \"Youagreewithmethatthetwoareincompatible。Ialwayssaybeautyisonlysindeep。\" Amabelbegantorealisethatthebattleisnotalwaystothestrong—minded。Withtheimmemorialresourceofhersex，sheabandonedthefrontalattack，andlaidstressonherunassistedlaboursinparishwork，hermentalloneliness，herdiscouragements——andattherightmomentsheproducedstrawberriesandcream。Reginaldwasobviouslyaffectedbythelatter，andwhenhispreceptresssuggestedthathemightbeginthestrenuouslifebyhelpinghertosupervisetheannualoutingofthebucolicinfantswhocomposedthelocalchoir，hiseyesshonewiththedangerousenthusiasmofaconvert。 Reginaldenteredonthestrenuouslifealone，asfarasAmabelwasconcerned。Themostvirtuouswomenarenotproofagainstdampgrass，andAmabelkeptherbedwithacold。 Reginaldcalleditadispensation；ithadbeenthedreamofhislifetostage—manageachoirouting。Withstrategicinsight，heledhisshy，bullet—headedchargestothenearestwoodlandstreamandallowedthemtobathe；thenheseatedhimselfontheirdiscardedgarmentsanddiscoursedontheirimmediatefuture，which，hedecreed，wastoembraceaBacchanalianprocessionthroughthevillage。Forethoughthadprovidedtheoccasionwithasupplyoftinwhistles，buttheintroductionofahe—goatfromaneighbouringorchardwasabrilliantafterthought。Properly，Reginaldexplained，thereshouldhavebeenanoutfitofpantherskins；asitwas，thosewhohadspottedhandkerchiefswereallowedtowearthem，whichtheydidwiththankfulness。Reginaldrecognisedtheimpossibility，inthetimeathisdisposal，ofteachinghisshiveringneophytesachantinhonourofBacchus，sohestartedthemoffwithamorefamiliar，iflessappropriate，temperancehymn。Afterall，hesaid，itisthespiritofthethingthatcounts。Followingtheetiquetteofdramaticauthorsonfirstnights，heremaineddiscreetlyinthebackgroundwhiletheprocession，withextremediffidenceandthegoat，wounditswaylugubriouslytowardsthevillage。 Thesinginghaddieddownlongbeforethemainstreetwasreached，butthemiserablewailingofpipesbroughttheinhabitantstotheirdoors。Reginaldsaidhehadseensomethinglikeitinpictures；thevillagershadseennothinglikeitintheirlives，andremarkedasmuchfreely。 Reginald’sfamilyneverforgavehim。Theyhadnosenseofhumour。 REGINALDONWORRIES Ihave（saidReginald）anauntwhoworries。She’snotreallyanaunt——asortofamateurone，andtheyaren’treallyworries。Sheisasocialsuccess，andhasnodomestictragediesworthspeakingof，sosheadoptsanydecorativesorrowsthataregoing，myselfincluded。Inthatwayshe’stheantithesis，orwhateveryoucallit，tothosesweet，uncomplainingwomenoneknowswhohaveseentrouble，andwornblinkerseversince。Ofcourse，onejustlovesthemforit，butImustconfesstheymakemeuncomfy；theyremindonesoofaduckthatgoesflappingaboutwithforcedcheerfulnesslongafteritshead’sbeencutoff。DuckshaveNOrepose。 Now，myaunthasashadeofhairthatsuitsher，andacookwhoquarrelswiththeotherservants，whichisalwaysahopefulsign，andaconsciencethat’sabsenteeforaboutelevenmonthsoftheyear，andonlyturnsupatLenttoannoyherhusband’speople，whoareconsiderablyLowerthantheangels，sotospeak：withallthesenaturaladvantages——shesaysherparticulartintofbronzeisanaturaladvantage，andtherecanbenotwoopinionsastotheadvantage——ofcourseshehastosendoutforherafflictions，likethoserestaurantswheretheyhaven’tgotalicence。Thesystemhasthisadvantage，thatyoucanfityourunhappinessesinwithyourotherengagements，whereasrealworrieshaveawayofarrivingatmeal—times，andwhenyou’redressing，orothersolemnmoments。Iknewacanaryoncethathadbeentryingformonthsandyearstohatchoutafamily，andeveryonelookeduponitasablamelessinfatuation，likethesaleofDelagoaBay，whichwouldbeanannuallosstothePressagenciesifitevercametopass；andonedaythebirdreallydidbringitoff，inthemiddleoffamilyprayers。Isaythemiddle，butitwasalsotheend：youcan’tgoonbeingthankfulfordailybreadwhenyouarewonderingwhatonearthverynewcanariesexpecttobefedon。 Atpresentshe’sratherinaBalkanstateofmindaboutthetreatmentoftheJewsinRoumania。Personally，IthinktheJewshaveestimablequalities；they’resokindtotheirpoor— —andtoourrich。IdaresayinRoumaniathecostoflivingbeyondone’sincomeisn’tsogreat。Overherethetroubleisthatsomanypeoplewhohavemoneytothrowaboutseemtohavesuchvagueideaswheretothrowit。Thatfund，forinstance，torelievethevictimsofsuddendisasters——whatisasuddendisaster？There’sMarionMulciber，whoWOULDthinkshecouldplaybridge，justasshewouldthinkshecouldridedownahillonabicycle；onthatoccasionshewenttoahospital，nowshe’sgoneintoaSisterhood——lostallshehad，youknow，andgavetheresttoHeaven。Still，youcan’tcallitasuddencalamity；THAToccurredwhenpoordearMarionwasborn。Thedoctorssaidatthetimethatshecouldn’tlivemorethanafortnight，andshe’sbeentryingeversincetoseeifshecould。Womenaresoopinionated。 Andthenthere’stheEducationQuestion——notthatIcanseethatthere’sanythingtoworryaboutinthatdirection。Tomymind，educationisanabsurdlyover—ratedaffair。Atleast，onenevertookitveryseriouslyatschool，whereeverythingwasdonetobringitprominentlyunderone’snotice。Anythingthatisworthknowingonepracticallyteachesoneself，andtherestobtrudesitselfsoonerorlater。Thereasonone’seldersknowsocomparativelylittleisbecausetheyhavetounlearnsomuchthattheyacquiredbywayofeducationbeforewewereborn。OfcourseI’mabelieverinNature—study；asIsaidtoLadyBeauwhistle，ifyouwantalessoninelaborateartificiality，justwatchthestudiedunconcernofaPersiancatenteringacrowdedsalon，andthengoandpractiseitforafortnight。TheBeauwhistlesweren’tborninthePurple，youknow，butthey’regettingthereontheinstalmentsystem——somuchdown，andtherestwhenyoufeellikeit。Theyhavekindhearts，andtheyneverforgetbirthdays。Iforgetwhathewas，somethingintheCity，wherethepatriotismcomesfrom；andshe——oh，well，herfrocksarebuiltinParis，butshewearsthemwithastrongEnglishaccent。Sopublic—spiritedofher。Ithinkshemusthavebeenverystrictlybroughtup，she’ssodesperatelyanxioustodothewrongthingcorrectly。 Notthatitreallymattersnowadays，asItoldher：Iknowsomeperfectlyvirtuouspeoplewhoarereceivedeverywhere。 REGINALDONHOUSE—PARTIES Thedrawbackis，oneneverreallyKNOWSone’shostsandhostesses。Onegetstoknowtheirfox—terriersandtheirchrysanthemums，andwhetherthestoryaboutthego—cartcanbeturnedlooseinthedrawing—room，ormustbetoldprivatelytoeachmemberoftheparty，forfearofshockingpublicopinion；butone’shostandhostessareasortofhumanhinterlandthatoneneverhasthetimetoexplore。 TherewasafellowIstayedwithonceinWarwickshirewhofarmedhisownland，butwasotherwisequitesteady。Shouldneverhavesuspectedhimofhavingasoul，yetnotverylongafterwardsheelopedwithalion—tamer’swidowandsetupasagolf—instructorsomewhereonthePersianGulf；dreadfullyimmoral，ofcourse，becausehewasonlyanindifferentplayer，butstill，itshowedimagination。Hiswifewasreallytobepitied，becausehehadbeentheonlypersoninthehousewhounderstoodhowtomanagethecook’stemper，andnowshehastoput\"D。V。\"onherdinnerinvitations。Still，that’sbetterthanadomesticscandal；awomanwholeaveshercookneverwhollyrecoversherpositioninSociety。 Isupposethesamethingholdsgoodwiththehosts；theyseldomhavemorethanasuperficialacquaintancewiththeirguests，andsooftenjustwhentheydogettoknowyouabitbetter，theyleaveoffknowingyoualtogether。TherewasRATHERabreathofwinterintheairwhenIleftthoseDorset—shirepeople。Yousee，theyhadaskedmedowntoshoot，andI’mnotparticularlyimmenseatthatsortofthing。There’ssuchadeadlysamenessaboutpartridges；whenyou’vemissedone，you’vemissedthelot——atleast，that’sbeenmyexperience。Andtheytriedtoragmeinthesmoking— roomaboutnotbeingabletohitabirdatfiveyards，asortofbovineraggingthatsuggestedcowsbuzzingroundagadflyandthinkingtheywereteasingit。SoIgotupthenextmorningatearlydawn——Iknowitwasdawn，becausetherewerelark—noisesinthesky，andthegrasslookedasifithadbeenleftoutallnight——andhuntedupthemostconspicuousthinginthebirdlinethatIcouldfind，andmeasuredthedistance，asnearlyasitwouldletme，andshotawayallI knew。Theysaidafterwardsthatitwasatamebird；that’ssimplySILLY，becauseitwasawfullywildatthefirstfewshots。Afterwardsitquieteddownabit，andwhenitslegshadstoppedwavingfarewellstothelandscapeIgotagardener—boytodragitintothehall，whereeverybodymustseeitontheirwaytothebreakfast—room。Ibreakfastedupstairsmyself。Igatheredafterwardsthatthemealwastingedwithaveryunchristianspirit。Isupposeit’sunluckytobringpeacock’sfeathersintoahouse；anyway，therewasablue—pencillylookinmyhostess’seyewhenI tookmydeparture。 Somehostesses，ofcourse，willforgiveanything，evenuntopavonicide（istheresuchaword？），aslongasoneisnice— lookingandsufficientlyunusualtocounterbalancesomeoftheothers；andthereAREothers——thegirl，forinstance，whoreadsMeredith，andappearsatmealswithunnaturalpunctualityinafrockthat’smadeathomeandrepentedatleisure。SheeventuallyfindsherwaytoIndiaandgetsmarried，andcomeshometoadmiretheRoyalAcademy，andtoimaginethatanindifferentprawncurryisforeveraneffectivesubstituteforallthatwehavebeentaughttobelieveisluncheon。It’sthenthatsheisreallydangerous； butatherworstsheisneverquitesobadasthewomanwhofiresExchangeandMartquestionsatyouwithouttheleastprovocation。Imaginetheotherday，justwhenIwasdoingmybesttounderstandhalfthethingsIwassaying，beingaskedbyoneofthoseseekersaftercountryhometruthshowmanyfowlsshecouldkeepinaruntenfeetbysix，orwhateveritwas！Itoldherwholecrowds，aslongasshekeptthedoorshut，andtheideadidn’tseemtohavestruckherbefore；atleast，shebroodedoveritfortherestofdinner。 Ofcourse，asIsay，oneneverreallyKNOWSone’sground，andonemaymakemistakesoccasionally。Butthenone’smistakessometimesturnoutassetsinthelong—run：ifwehadneverbungledawayourAmericancolonieswemightneverhavehadtheboyfromtheStatestoteachushowtowearourhairandcutourclothes，andwemustgetourideasfromsomewhere，I suppose。EventheHooliganwasprobablyinventedinChinacenturiesbeforewethoughtofhim。Englandmustwakeup，astheDukeofDevonshiresaidtheotherday；wasn’tit？Oh，well，itwassomeoneelse。NotthatIeverindulgeindespairabouttheFuture；therealwayshavebeenmenwhohavegoneaboutdespairingoftheFuture，andwhentheFuturearrivesitsaysnice，superiorthingsabouttheirhavingactedaccordingtotheirlights。Itisdreadfultothinkthatotherpeople’sgrandchildrenmayonedayriseupandcalloneamiable。 TherearemomentswhenonesympathiseswithHerod。