第2章

REGINALDATTHECARLTON \"Amostvariableclimate，\"saidtheDuchess；\"andhowunfortunatethatweshouldhavehadthatverycoldweatheratatimewhencoalwassodear！Sodistressingforthepoor。\" \"SomeonehasobservedthatProvidenceisalwaysonthesideofthebigdividends，\"remarkedReginald。 TheDuchessateananchovyinashockedmanner；shewassufficientlyold—fashionedtodislikeirreverencetowardsdividends。 Reginaldhadlefttheselectionofafeeding—groundtoherwomanlyintuition，buthechosethewinehimself，knowingthatwomanlyintuitionstopsshortatclaret。Awomanwillcheerfullychoosehusbandsforherlessattractivefriends，ortakesidesinapoliticalcontroversywithouttheleastknowledgeoftheissuesinvolved——butnowomanevercheerfullychoseaclaret。 \"Horsd’oeuvreshavealwaysapatheticinterestforme，\"saidReginald：\"theyremindmeofone’schildhoodthatonegoesthrough，wonderingwhatthenextcourseisgoingtobelike—— andduringtherestofthemenuonewishesonehadeatenmoreofthehorsd’oeuvres。Don’tyoulovewatchingthedifferentwayspeoplehaveofenteringarestaurant？Thereisthewomanwhoracesinasthoughherwholeschemeoflifewereheldtogetherbyaone—pindespotismwhichmightabdicateitsfunctionsatanymoment；it’sreallyarelieftoseeherreachherchairinsafety。Thentherearethepeoplewhotroopinwithan—unpleasant—duty—to—performair，asiftheywereangelsofDeathenteringaplaguecity。YouseethattypeofBritonverymuchinhotelsabroad。AndnowadaystherearealwaystheJohannesbourgeois，whobringaCape—to— Cairoatmospherewiththem——whatmaybecalledtheRandManner，Isuppose。\" \"Talkingabouthotelsabroad，\"saidtheDuchess，\"IampreparingnotesforalectureattheClubontheeducationaleffectsofmoderntravel，dealingchieflywiththemoralsideofthequestion。IwastalkingtoLadyBeauwhistle’saunttheotherday——she’sjustcomebackfromParis，youknow。 Suchasweetwoman\"— \"Andsosilly。Inthesedaysoftheover—educationofwomenshe’squiterefreshing。TheysaysomepeoplewentthroughthesiegeofPariswithoutknowingthatFranceandGermanywereatwar；buttheBeauwhistleauntiscreditedwithhavingpassedthewholewinterinParisundertheimpressionthattheHumbertswereakindofbicycle……Isn’tthereabishoporsomebodywhobelievesweshallmeetalltheanimalswehaveknownonearthinanotherworld？HowfrightfullyembarrassingtomeetawholeshoalofwhitebaityouhadlastknownatPrince’s！I’msureinmynervousnessIshouldtalkofnothingbutlemons。Still，Idaresaytheywouldbequiteasoffendedifonehadn’teatenthem。IknowifIwereservedupatacannibalfeastIshouldbedreadfullyannoyedifanyonefoundfaultwithmefornotbeingtenderenough，orhavingbeenkepttoolong。\" \"Myideaaboutthelecture，\"resumedtheDuchesshurriedly，\"istoinquirewhetherpromiscuousContinentaltraveldoesn’ttendtoweakenthemoralfibreofthesocialconscience。 Therearepeopleoneknows，quitenicepeoplewhentheyareinEngland，whoaresoDIFFERENTwhentheyareanywheretheothersideoftheChannel。\" \"ThepeoplewithwhatIcallTauchnitzmorals，\"observedReginald。\"Onthewhole，Ithinktheygetthebestoftwoverydesirableworlds。And，afterall，theychargesomuchforexcessluggageonsomeofthoseforeignlinesthatit’sreallyaneconomytoleaveone’sreputationbehindoneoccasionally。\" \"Ascandal，mydearReginald，isasmuchtobeavoidedatMonacooranyofthoseplacesasatExeter，letussay。\" \"Scandal，mydearIrene——ImaycallyouIrene，mayn’tI？\" \"Idon’tknowthatyouhaveknownmelongenoughforthat。\" \"I’veknownyoulongerthanyourgod—parentshadwhentheytookthelibertyofcallingyouthatname。Scandalismerelythecompassionateallowancewhichthegaymaketothehumdrum。Thinkhowmanyblamelesslivesarebrightenedbytheblazingindiscretionsofotherpeople。Tellme，whoisthewomanwiththeoldlaceatthetableonourleft？Oh，THATdoesn’tmatter；it’squitethethingnowadaystostareatpeopleasiftheywereyearlingsatTattersall’s。\" \"Mrs。Spelvexit？Quiteacharmingwoman；separatedfromherhusband\"— \"Incompatibilityofincome？\" \"Oh，nothingofthatsort。Bymilesoffrozenocean，Iwasgoingtosay。Heexploresice—floesandstudiesthemovementsofherrings，andhaswrittenamostinterestingbookonthehome—lifeoftheEsquimaux；butnaturallyhehasverylittlehome—lifeofhisown。\" \"AhusbandwhocomeshomewiththeGulfStreamWOULDberatheratied—upasset。\" \"Hiswifeisexceedinglysensibleaboutit。Shecollectspostage—stamps。Sucharesource。ThosepeoplewithheraretheWhimples，veryoldacquaintancesofmine；they’realwayshavingtrouble，poorthings。\" \"Troubleisnotoneofthosefanciesyoucantakeupanddropatanymoment；it’slikeagrouse—moorortheopium—habit—— onceyoustartityou’vegottokeepitup。\" \"Theireldestsonwassuchadisappointmenttothem；theywantedhimtobealinguist，andspentnoendofmoneyonhavinghimtaughttospeak——oh，dozensoflanguages！——andthenhebecameaTrappistmonk。Andtheyoungest，whowasintendedfortheAmericanmarriagemarket，hasdevelopedpoliticaltendencies，andwritespamphletsaboutthehousingofthepoor。Ofcourseit’samostimportantquestion，andI devoteagooddealoftimetoitmyselfinthemornings；but，asLauraWhimplesays，it’saswelltohaveanestablishmentofone’sownbeforeagitatingaboutotherpeople’s。Shefeelsitverykeenly，butshealwaysmaintainsacheerfulappetite，whichIthinkissounselfishofher。\" \"Therearedifferentwaysoftakingdisappointment。TherewasagirlIknewwhonursedawealthyunclethroughalongillness，bornebyherwithChristianfortitude，andthenhediedandlefthismoneytoaswine—feverhospital。Shefoundshe’daboutclearedstockinfortitudebythattime，andnowshegivesdrawing—roomrecitations。That’swhatIcallbeingvindictive。\" \"Lifeisfullofitsdisappointments，\"observedtheDuchess，\"andIsupposetheartofbeinghappyistodisguisethemasillusions。Butthat，mydearReginald，becomesmoredifficultasonegrowsolder。\" \"Ithinkit’smoregenerallypractisedthanyouimagine。Theyounghaveaspirationsthatnevercometopass，theoldhavereminiscencesofwhatneverhappened。It’sonlythemiddle— agedwhoarereallyconsciousoftheirlimitations——thatiswhyoneshouldbesopatientwiththem。Butoneneveris。\" \"Afterall，\"saidtheDuchess，\"thedisillusionsoflifemaydependonourwayofassessingit。Inthemindsofthosewhocomeafteruswemayberememberedforqualitiesandsuccesseswhichwequiteleftoutofthereckoning。\" \"It’snotalwayssafetodependonthecommemorativetendenciesofthosewhocomeafterus。Theremayhavebeendisillusionmentsinthelivesofthemediaevalsaints，buttheywouldscarcelyhavebeenbetterpleasediftheycouldhaveforeseenthattheirnameswouldbeassociatednowadayschieflywithracehorsesandthecheaperclarets。Andnow，ifyoucantearyourselfawayfromthesaltedalmonds，we’llgoandhavecoffeeunderthepalmsthataresonecessaryforourdiscomfort。\" REGINALDONBESETTINGSINS THEWOMANWHOTOLDTHETRUTH Therewasonce（saidReginald）awomanwhotoldthetruth。 Notallatonce，ofcourse，butthehabitgrewuponhergradually，likelichenonanapparentlyhealthytree。Shehadnochildren——otherwiseitmighthavebeendifferent。Itbeganwithlittlethings，fornoparticularreasonexceptthatherlifewasaratheremptyone，anditissoeasytoslipintothehabitoftellingthetruthinlittlematters。 Andthenitbecamedifficulttodrawthelineatmoreimportantthings，untilatlastshetooktotellingthetruthaboutherage；shesaidshewasforty—twoandfivemonths——bythattime，yousee，shewasveraciouseventomonths。Itmayhavebeenpleasingtotheangels，buthereldersisterwasnotgratified。OntheWoman’sbirthday，insteadoftheopera—ticketswhichshehadhopedfor，hersistergaveheraviewofJerusalemfromtheMountofOlives，whichisnotquitethesamething。Therevengeofaneldersistermaybelongincoming，but，likeaSouth—Easternexpress，itarrivesinitsowngoodtime。 ThefriendsoftheWomantriedtodissuadeherfromover— indulgenceinthepractice，butshesaidshewasweddedtothetruth；whereuponitwasremarkedthatitwasscarcelylogicaltobesomuchtogetherinpublic。（Noreallyprovidentwomanlunchesregularlywithherhusbandifshewishestoburstuponhimasarevelationatdinner。Hemusthavetimetoforget；anafternoonisnotenough。）Andafterawhileherfriendsbegantothinoutinpatches。Herpassionforthetruthwasnotcompatiblewithalargevisiting—list。Forinstance，shetoldMiriamKlopstockEXACTLYhowshelookedattheIlexes’ball。CertainlyMiriamhadaskedforhercandidopinion，buttheWomanprayedinchurcheverySundayforpeaceinourtime，anditwasnotconsistent。 Itwasunfortunate，everyoneagreed，thatshehadnofamily； withachildortwointhehouse，thereisanunconsciouscheckupontoofreeanindulgenceinthetruth。Childrenaregivenustodiscourageourbetteremotions。Thatiswhythestage，withallitsefforts，canneverbeasartificialaslife；eveninanIbsendramaonemustrevealtotheaudiencethingsthatonewouldsuppressbeforethechildrenorservants。 Fatemayhaveordainedthetruth—tellingfromthecommencementandshouldjustlybearsomeoftheblame；butinhavingnochildrentheWomanwasguilty，atleast，ofcontributorynegligence。 Littlebylittleshefeltshewasbecomingaslavetowhathadoncebeenmerelyanidlepropensity；andonedaysheknew。Everywomantellsninetypercent，ofthetruthtoherdressmaker；theothertenpercent，istheirreducibleminimumofdeceptionbeyondwhichnoself—respectingclienttrespasses。MadameDraga’sestablishmentwasameeting— groundfornakedtruthsandoverdressedfictions，anditwashere，theWomanfelt，thatshemightmakeafinalefforttorecalltheartlessmendacityofpastdays。Madameherselfwasinaninspiringmood，withtheairofasphinxwhoknewallthingsandpreferredtoforgetmostofthem。AsaWarMinistershemighthavebeencelebrated，butshewascontenttobemerelyrich。 \"IfItakeitinhere，and——MissHoward，onemoment，ifyouplease——andthere，androundlikethis——so——Ireallythinkyouwillfinditquiteeasy。\" TheWomanhesitated；itseemedtorequiresuchasmallefforttosimplyacquiesceinMadame’sviews。Buthabithadbecometoostrong。\"I’mafraid，\"shefaltered，\"it’sjusttheleastlittlebitintheworldtoo\"— Andbythatleastlittlebitshemeasuredthedeepsandeternitiesofherthraldomtofact。Madamewasnotbestpleasedatbeingcontradictedonaprofessionalmatter，andwhenMadamelosthertemperyouusuallyfounditafterwardsinthebill。 Andatlastthedreadfulthingcame，astheWomanhadforeseenallalongthatitmust；itwasoneofthosepaltrylittletruthswithwhichsheharriedherwakinghours。OnarawWednesdaymorning，inafewill—chosenwords，shetoldthecookthatshedrank。SherememberedthesceneafterwardsasvividlyasthoughithadbeenpaintedinhermindbyAbbey。Thecookwasagoodcook，ascooksgo；andascooksgoshewent。 MiriamKlopstockcametolunchthenextday。Womenandelephantsneverforgetaninjury。 REGINALD’SDRAMA Reginaldclosedhiseyeswiththeelaboratewearinessofonewhohasratherniceeyelashesandthinksituselesstoconcealthefact。 \"Oneofthesedays，\"hesaid，\"Ishallwriteareallygreatdrama。Noonewillunderstandthedriftofit，buteveryonewillgobacktotheirhomeswithavaguefeelingofdissatisfactionwiththeirlivesandsurroundings。Thentheywillputupnewwall—papersandforget。\" \"Buthowaboutthosethathaveoakpanellingalloverthehouse？\"saidtheOther。 \"Theycanalwaysputdownnewstair—carpets，\"pursuedReginald，\"and，anyhow，I’mnotresponsiblefortheaudiencehavingahappyending。Theplaywouldbequitesufficientstrainonone’senergies。Ishouldgetabishoptosayitwasimmoralandbeautiful——nodramatisthasthoughtofthatbefore，andeveryonewouldcometocondemnthebishop，andtheywouldstayonoutofsheernervousness。Afterall，itrequiresagreatdealofmoralcouragetoleaveinamarkedmannerinthemiddleofthesecondact，whenyourcarriageisn’torderedtilltwelve。Anditwouldcommencewithwolvesworryingsomethingonalonelywaste——youwouldn’tseethem，ofcourse；butyouwouldhearthemsnarlingandscrunching，andIshouldarrangetohaveawolfyfragrancesuggestedacrossthefootlights。Itwouldlooksowellontheprogrammes，’Wolvesinthefirstact，byJamrach。’AndoldLadyWhortleberry，whonevermissesafirstnight，wouldscream。She’salwaysbeennervoussinceshelostherfirsthusband。Hediedquiteabruptlywhilewatchingacountycricketmatch；twoandahalfinchesofrainhadfallenforsevenruns，anditwassupposedthattheexcitementkilledhim。Anyhow，itgaveherquiteashock；itwasthefirsthusbandshe’dlost，youknow，andnowshealwaysscreamsifanythingthrillinghappenstoosoonafterdinner。AndaftertheaudiencehadheardtheWhortleberryscreamthethingwouldbefairlylaunched。\" \"Andtheplot？\" \"Theplot，\"saidReginald，\"wouldbeoneofthoselittleeverydaytragediesthatoneseesgoingonallroundone。Inmymind’seyethereisthecaseoftheMudge—Jervises，whichinanunpretentiouswayhasquiteanEnochArdenintensityunderlyingit。They’donlybeenmarriedsomeeighteenmonthsorso，andcircumstanceshadpreventedtheirseeingmuchofeachother。Withhimtherewasalwaysafoursomeorsomethingthathadtobeplayedandreplayedindifferentpartsofthecountry，andshewentinforslummingquiteasseriouslyasifitwasasport。Withher，Isuppose，itwas。 ShebelongedtotheGuildofthePoorDearSouls，andtheyholdtherecordforhavingnearlyreformedawasherwoman。Noonehaseverreallyreformedawasherwoman，andthatiswhythecompetitionissokeen。Youcanrescuecharwomenbyfiftieswithalittleteaandpersonalmagnetism，butwithwasherwomenit’sdifferent；wagesaretoohigh。Thisparticularlaundress，whocamefromBermondseyorsomesuchplace，wasreallyratherahopefulventure，andtheythoughtatlastthatshemightbesafelyputinthewindowasaspecimenofsuccessfulwork。Sotheyhadherparadedatadrawing—room\"AtHome\"atAgathaCamelford’s；itwassheerbadluckthatsomeliqueurchocolateshadbeenturnedloosebymistakeamongtherefreshments——reallyliqueurchocolates，withverylittlechocolate。Andofcoursetheoldsoulfoundthemout，andcorneredtheentirestock。Itwaslikefindingawhelk—stallinadesert，assheafterwardspartiallyexpressedherself。Whentheliqueursbegantotakeeffect，shestartedtogivethemimitationsoffarmyardanimalsastheyknowtheminBermondsey。Shebeganwithadancingbear，andyouknowAgathadoesn’tapproveofdancing，exceptatBuckinghamPalaceunderpropersupervision。Andthenshegotuponthepianoandgavethemanorganmonkey；IgathershewentinforrealismratherthanaMaeterlinckiantreatmentofthesubjectFinally，shefellintothepianoandsaidshewasaparrotinacage，andforanimpromptuperformanceI believeshewasveryword——perfect；noonehadheardanythinglikeit，exceptBaronessBoobelsteinwhohasattendedsittingsoftheAustrianReichsrath。AgathaistryingtheRest—cureatBuxton。\" \"Butthetragedy？\" \"Oh，theMudge—Jervises。Well，theyweregettingalongquitehappily，andtheirmarriedlifewasonecontinuousexchangeofpicture—postcards；andthenonedaytheywerethrowntogetheronsomeneutralgroundwherefoursomesandwasherwomenoverlapped，anddiscoveredthattheywerehopelesslydividedontheFiscalQuestion。Theyhavethoughtitbesttoseparate，andsheistohavethecustodyofthePersiankittensforninemonthsintheyear——theygobacktohimforthewinter，whensheisabroad。Thereyouhavethematerialforatragedydrawnstraightfromlife——andthepiececouldbecalled’ThePriceTheyPaidforEmpire。’Andofcourseonewouldhavetoworkinstudiesofthestruggleofhereditarytendencyagainstenvironmentandallthatsortofthing。Thewoman’sfathercouldhavebeenanEnvoytosomeofthesmallerGermanCourts；that’swhereshe’dgetherpassionforvisitingthepoor，inspiteofthemostcarefulupbringing。C’estlepremierpaquicompte，asthecuckoosaidwhenitswalloweditsfoster—parent。That，Ithink，isquiteclever。\" \"Andthewolves？\" \"Oh，thewolveswouldbeasortofelusiveundercurrentinthebackgroundthatwouldneverbesatisfactorilyexplained。 Afterall，lifeteemswiththingsthathavenoearthlyreason。AndwheneverthecharacterscouldthinkofnothingbrillianttosayaboutmarriageortheWarOffice，theycouldopenawindowandlistentothehowlingofthewolves。Butthatwouldbeveryseldom。\" REGINALDONTARIFFS I’mnotgoingtodiscusstheFiscalQuestion（saidReginald）； Iwishtobeoriginal。Atthesametime，Ithinkonesuffersmorethanonerealisesfromthesystemoffreeimports。I shouldlike，forinstance，areallyprohibitivedutyputuponthepartnerwhodeclaresonaweakredsuitandhopesforthebest。Evenafreeoutletforcompressedverbiagedoesn’tbalancematters。AndIthinkthereshouldbeasortofbounty—fedexport（isthattherightexpression？）ofthepeoplewhoimpressonyouthatyououghttotakelifeseriously。Thereareonlytwoclassesthatreallycan’thelptakinglifeseriously——schoolgirlsofthirteenandHohenzollerns；theymightbeexempt。Albanianscomeunderanotherheading；theytakelifewhenevertheygettheopportunity。TheoneAlbanianthatIwaseveronspeakingtermswithwasratheradecadentexample。HewasaChristianandagrocer，andIdon’tfancyhehadeverkilledanybody。 Ididn’tliketoquestionhimonthesubject——thatshowedmydelicacy。Mrs。NicoraxsaysIhavenodelicacy；shehasn’tforgivenmeaboutthemice。Yousee，whenIwasstayingdownthere，amouseusedtocake—walkaboutmyroomhalfthenight，andnoneoftheirsillypatenttrapsseemedtotakeitsfancyasabijouresidence，soIdeterminedtoappealtothebettersideofit——whichwithmiceistheinside。SoI calleditPercy，andputlittledelicaciesdownnearitsholeeverynight，andthatkeptitquietwhileIreadMaxNordau’sDegenerationandotherreprovingliterature，andwenttosleep。Andnowshesaysthereisawholecolonyofmiceinthatroom。 Thatisn’twheretheindelicacycomesin。Shewentoutridingwithme，whichwasentirelyherownsuggestion，andaswewerecominghomethroughsomemeadowsshemadeaquiteunnecessaryattempttoseeifherponywouldjumparathermessysortofbrookthatwasthere。Itwouldn’t。Itwentwithherasfarasthewater’sedge，andfromthatpointMrs。 Nicoraxwentonalone。OfcourseIhadtofishheroutfromthebank，andmyriding—breechesarenotcutwithaviewtosalmon—fishing——it’sratheranarteventorideinthem。Herhabit—skirtwasoneofthoseopenquestionsthatneednotbeadheredtoinemergencies，andonthisoccasionitremainedbehindinsomewater—weeds。Shewantedmetofishaboutforthattoo，butIfeltIhaddoneenoughPharaoh’sdaughterbusinessforanOctoberafternoon，andIwasbeginningtowantmytea。SoIbundledherupontoherpony，andgaveheraleadtowardshomeasfastasIcaredtogo。Whatwiththewetandtheunusualresponsibility，herabridgedcostumedidnotstandthepaceparticularlywell，andshegotquitequerulouswhenIshoutedbackthatIhadnopinswithme——andnostring。Somewomenexpectsomuchfromafellow。Whenwegotintothedriveshewantedtogoupthebackwaytothestables，buttheponiesKNOWtheyalwaysgetsugaratthefrontdoor，andIneverattempttoholdapullingpony；asforMrs。Nicorax，ittookherallsheknewtokeepafirmhandonhersecedinggarments，which，ashermaidremarkedafterwards，weremoretoutthanensemble。Ofcoursenearlythewholehouse—partywereoutonthelawnwatchingthesunset——theonlydaythismonththatit’soccurredtothesuntoshowitself，asMrs。Nic。viciouslyobserved——andIshallneverforgettheexpressiononherhusband’sfaceaswepulledup。\"Mydarling，thisistoomuch！\"washisfirstspokencomment；takingintoconsiderationthestateofhertoilet，itwasthemostbrilliantthingIhadeverheardhimsay，andIwentintothelibrarytobealoneandscream。 Mrs。NicoraxsaysIhavenodelicacy。 Talkingabouttariffs，thelift—boy，whoreadsextensivelybetweenthelandings，saysitwon’tdototaxrawcommodities。What，exactly，isarawcommodity？Mrs。VanChallabysaysmenarerawcommoditiestillyoumarrythem； afterthey’vestruckMrs。VanC。，Icanfancytheyprettysoonbecomeafinishedarticle。Certainlyshe’shadagooddealofexperiencetosupportheropinion。Shelostonehusbandinarailwayaccident，andmislaidanotherintheDivorceCourt，andthecurrentonehasjustgothimselfsqueezedinaBeefTrust。\"WhatwashedoinginaBeefTrust，anyway？\"sheaskedtearfully，andIsuggestedthatperhapshehadanunhappyhome。Ionlysaiditforthesakeofmakingconversation；whichitdid。Mrs。VanChallabysaidthingsaboutmewhichinhercalmermomentsshewouldhavehesitatedtospell。It’sapitypeoplecan’tdiscussfiscalmatterswithoutgettingwild。However，shewrotenextdaytoaskifIcouldgetheraYorkshireterrierofthesizeandshadethat’sbeingwornnow，andthat’sasnearasawomancanbeexpectedtogettoowningherselfinthewrong。Andshewilltieasalmon—pinkbowtoitscollar，andcallit\"Reggie，\"andtakeitwithhereverywhere——likepoorMiriamKlopstock，whoWOULDtakeherChowwithhertothebathroom，andwhileshewasbathingitwasplayingatshe—bearswithhergarments。Miriamisalwayslateforbreakfast，andshewasn’treallymissedtillthemiddleoflunch。 However，I’mnotgoinganyfurtherintotheFiscalQuestion。 OnlyIshouldliketobeprotectedfromthepartnerwithaweakredtendency。 REGINALD’SCHRISTMASREVEL Theysay（saidReginald）thatthere’snothingsadderthanvictoryexceptdefeat。Ifyou’veeverstayedwithdullpeopleduringwhatisallegedtobethefestiveseason，youcanprobablyrevisethatsaying。IshallneverforgetputtinginaChristmasattheBabwolds’。Mrs。Babwoldissomerelationofmyfather’s——asortofto—be—left—till— called—forcousin——andthatwasconsideredsufficientreasonformyhavingtoacceptherinvitationataboutthesixthtimeofasking；thoughwhythesinsofthefathershouldbevisitedbythechildren——youwon’tfindanynotepaperinthatdrawer；that’swhereIkeepoldmenusandfirst—nightprogrammes。 Mrs。Babwoldwearsarathersolemnpersonality，andhasneverbeenknowntosmile，evenwhensayingdisagreeablethingstoherfriendsormakingouttheStoreslist。Shetakesherpleasuressadly。AstateelephantataDurbargivesoneaverysimilarimpression。Herhusbandgardensinallweathers。Whenamangoesoutinthepouringraintobrushcaterpillarsoffrose—trees，Igenerallyimaginehislifeindoorsleavessomethingtobedesired；anyway，itmustbeveryunsettlingforthecaterpillars。 Ofcoursetherewereotherpeoplethere。TherewasaMajorSomebodywhohadshotthingsinLapland，orsomewhereofthatsort；Iforgetwhattheywere，butitwasn’tforwantofreminding。Wehadthemcoldwitheverymealalmost，andhewascontinuallygivingusdetailsofwhattheymeasuredfromtiptotip，asthoughhethoughtweweregoingtomakethemwarmunder—thingsforthewinter。IusedtolistentohimwitharaptattentionthatIthoughtrathersuitedme，andthenonedayIquitemodestlygavethedimensionsofanokapiIhadshotintheLincolnshirefens。TheMajorturnedabeautifulTyrianscarlet（IrememberthinkingatthetimethatIshouldlikemybathroomhunginthatcolour），andI thinkthatatthatmomenthealmostfounditinhishearttodislikeme。Mrs。Babwoldputonafirst—aid—to—the—injuredexpression，andaskedhimwhyhedidn’tpublishabookofhissportingreminiscences；itwouldbeSOinteresting。Shedidn’tremembertillafterwardsthathehadgivenhertwofatvolumesonthesubject，withhisportraitandautographasafrontispieceandanappendixonthehabitsoftheArcticmussel。 Itwasintheeveningthatwecastasidethecaresanddistractionsofthedayandreallylived。Cardswerethoughttobetoofrivolousandemptyawayofpassingthetime，somostofthemplayedwhattheycalledabookgame。Youwentoutintothehall——togetaninspiration，Isuppose——thenyoucameinagainwithamufflertiedroundyourneckandlookedsilly，andtheothersweresupposedtoguessthatyouwere\"WeeMacGreegor。\"IheldoutagainsttheinanityaslongasIdecentlycould，butatlast，inalapseofgood—nature，I consentedtomasqueradeasabook，onlyIwarnedthemthatitwouldtakesometimetocarryout。Theywaitedforthebestpartoffortyminutes，whileIwentandplayedwineglassskittleswiththepage—boyinthepantry；youplayitwithachampagnecork，youknow，andtheonewhoknocksdownthemostglasseswithoutbreakingthemwins。Iwon，withfourunbrokenoutofseven；IthinkWilliamsufferedfromover— anxiousness。Theywererathermadinthedrawing—roomatmynothavingcomeback，andtheyweren’tabitpacifiedwhenI toldthemafterwardsthatIwas\"Attheendofthepassage。\" \"IneverdidlikeKipling，\"wasMrs。Babwold’scomment，whenthesituationdawneduponher。\"Icouldn’tseeanythingcleverinEarthwormsoutofTuscany——oristhatbyDarwin？\" Ofcoursethesegamesareveryeducational，but，personally，Ipreferbridge。 OnChristmaseveningweweresupposedtobespeciallyfestiveintheOldEnglishfashion。Thehallwashorriblydraughty，butitseemedtobetheproperplacetorevelin，anditwasdecoratedwithJapanesefansandChineselanterns，whichgaveitaveryOldEnglisheffect。Ayoungladywithaconfidentialvoicefavoureduswithalongrecitationaboutalittlegirlwhodiedordidsomethingequallyhackneyed，andthentheMajorgaveusagraphicaccountofastrugglehehadwithawoundedbear。Iprivatelywishedthatthebearswouldwinsometimesontheseoccasions；atleasttheywouldn’tgovapouringaboutitafterwards。Beforewehadtimetorecoverourspirits，wewereindulgedwithsomethought—readingbyayoungmanwhomoneknewinstinctivelyhadagoodmotherandanindifferenttailor——thesortofyoungmanwhotalksunflagginglythroughthethickestsoup，andsmoothshishairdubiouslyasthoughhethoughtitmighthitback。Thethought—readingwasratherasuccess；heannouncedthatthehostesswasthinkingaboutpoetry，andsheadmittedthathermindwasdwellingononeofAustin’sodes。Whichwasnearenough。Ifancyshehadbeenreallywonderingwhetherascrag—endofmuttonandsomecoldplum—puddingwoulddoforthekitchendinnernextday。Asacrowningdissipation，theyallsatdowntoplayprogressivehalma，withmilk—chocolateforprizes。I’vebeencarefullybroughtup，andIdon’tliketoplaygamesofskillformilk—chocolate，soIinventedaheadacheandretiredfromthescene。IhadbeenprecededafewminutesearlierbyMissLangshan—Smith，aratherformidablelady，whoalwaysgotupatsomeuncomfortablehourinthemorning，andgaveyoutheimpressionthatshehadbeenincommunicationwithmostoftheEuropeanGovernmentsbeforebreakfast。Therewasapaperpinnedonherdoorwithasignedrequestthatshemightbecalledparticularlyearlyonthemorrow。Suchanopportunitydoesnotcometwiceinalifetime。Icoveredupeverythingexceptthesignaturewithanothernotice，totheeffectthatbeforethesewordsshouldmeettheeyeshewouldhaveendedamisspentlife，wassorryforthetroubleshewasgiving，andwouldlikeamilitaryfuneral。AfewminuteslaterIviolentlyexplodedanair— filledpaperbagonthelanding，andgaveastagemoanthatcouldhavebeenheardinthecellars。ThenIpursuedmyoriginalintentionandwenttobed。Thenoisethosepeoplemadeinforcingopenthegoodlady’sdoorwaspositivelyindecorous；sheresistedgallantly，butIbelievetheysearchedherforbulletsforaboutaquarterofanhour，asifshehadbeenanhistoricbattlefield。 IhatetravellingonBoxingDay，butonemustoccasionallydothingsthatonedislikes。 REGINALD’SRUBAIYAT Theotherday（confidedReginald），whenIwaskillingtimeinthebathroomandmakingbadresolutionsfortheNewYear，itoccurredtomethatIwouldliketobeapoet。Thechiefqualification，Iunderstand，isthatyoumustbeborn。Well，Ihuntedupmybirthcertificate，andfoundthatIwasallrightonthatscore，andthenIgottoworkonaHymntotheNewYear，whichstruckmeashavingpossibilities。Itsuggestedextremelyunusualthingstoabsolutelyunlikelypeople，whichIbelieveistheartoffirst—classcateringinanydepartment。Quitethebestverseinitwentsomethinglikethis— \"Haveyouheardthegroanofagravelledgrouse，Orthesnarlofasnaffledsnail（Husbandormother，likeme，orspouse），Haveyoulaina—creepinthedarkenedhouseWherethewoundedwombatswail？\" Itwasquiteimprobablethatanyonehad，youknow，andthat’swhereitstimulatedtheimaginationandtookpeopleoutoftheirnarrow，humdrumselves。Noonehasevercalledmenarroworhumdrum，butevenIfeltworkedupnowandthenatthethoughtofthathousewiththestrickenwombatsinit。 Itsimplywasn’tnice。Buttheeditorswereunanimousinleavingitalone；theysaidthethinghadbeendonebeforeanddoneworse，andthatthemarketforthatsortofworkwasextremelylimited。 ItwasjustonthetopofthatdiscouragementthattheDuchesswantedmetowritesomethinginheralbum——somethingPersian，youknow，andjustalittlebitdecadent——andI thoughtaquatrainonanunwholesomeeggwouldmeettherequirementsofthecase。SoIstartedinwith— \"Cackle，cackle，littlehen，HowIwonderifandwhenOnceyoulaidtheeggthatI Met，alas！toolate。Amen。\" TheDuchessobjectedtotheAmen，whichIthoughtgaveanairofforgivenessandchosejugeetothewholething；alsoshesaiditwasn’tPersianenough，asthoughIweretryingtosellherakittenwhosemotherhadmarriedforloveratherthanpedigree。SoIrecastitentirely，andthenewversionread— \"Thehenthatlaidtheemoonsago，whoknowsInwhatDeadYesterdayhershadesrepose； TosomeelectionturnthywaningspanAndrainthyrottennessonfiscalfoes。\" Ithoughttherewasenoughsuggestionofdecayinthattosatisfyajackal，andtometherewassomethinginfinitelypatheticandappealingintheideaoftheegghavingasortofSt。Luke’ssummerofcommercialusefulness。ButtheDuchessbeggedmetoleaveoutanypoliticalallusions；she’sthepresidentofaWomen’sSomethingorother，andshesaiditmightbetakenasanendorsementofdeplorable，methods。 InevercanrememberwhichPartyIrenediscourageswithhersupport，butIshan’tforgetanoccasionwhenIwasstayingatherplaceandshegavemeapamphlettoleaveatthehouseofadoubtfulvoter，andsomegrapesandthingsforawomanwhowassufferingfromachillonthetopofapatentmedicine。Ithoughtitmuchcleverertogivethegrapestotheformerandthepoliticalliteraturetothesickwoman，andtheDuchesswasquiteabsurdlyannoyedaboutitafterwards。Itseemstheleafletwasaddressed\"Tothoseabouttowobble\"——Iwasn’tresponsibleforthesillytitleofthething——andthewomanneverrecovered；anyway，thevoterwascompletelywonoverbythegrapesandjellies，andI thinkthatshouldhavebalancedmatters。TheDuchesscalleditbribery，andsaiditmighthavecompromisedthecandidateshewassupporting；hewasexpectedtosubscribetochurchfundsandchapelfunds，andfootballandcricketclubsandregattas，andbazaarsandbeanfeastsandbellringers，andpoultryshowsandploughingmatches，andreading—roomsandchoiroutings，andshootingtrophiesandtestimonials，andanythingofthatsort；butbriberywouldnothavebeentolerated。 IfancyIhaveperhapsmoretalentforelectioneeringthanforpoetry，andIwasreallygettingextendedoverthisquatrainbusiness。Theeggbegantobeunmanageable，andtheDuchesssuggestedsomethingwithaFrenchliteraryringaboutit。IhuntedbackinmymindforthemostfamiliarFrenchclassicthatIcouldtakelibertieswith，andafteralittleexerciseofmemoryIturnedoutthefollowing：— \"Hastthouthepenthatoncethegardenerhad？ Ihaveitnot；andknow，thesepearsarehad。 Oh，largerthanthehorsesofthePrinceArethosethegeneraldrivesinKaikobad。\" Eventhatdidn’taltogethersatisfyIrene；Ifancythegeographyofitpuzzledher。SheprobablythoughtKaikobadwasanunfashionableGermanspa，whereyou’dmeetmatrimonialbargain—huntersandemergencyServiankings。MytemperwasbeginningtoslipitsmooringsbythattimeIlookrathernicewhenIlosemytemper。（IhopedyouwouldsayIloseitveryoften。Imustn’tmonopolisetheconversation。） \"Ofcourse，ifyouwantsomethingreallyPersianandpassionate，withredwineandbulbulsinit，\"Iwentontosuggest；butshegrabbedthebookawayfromme。 \"Notforworlds。Nothingwithredwineorpassioninit。 DearAgathagavemethealbum，andshewouldbemortifiedtothequick\"— IsaidIdidn’tbelieveAgathahadaquick，andwegotquiteheatedinarguingthematter。Finally，theDuchessdeclaredIshouldn’twriteanythingnastyinherbook，andIsaidI wouldn’twriteanythinginhernastybook，sotherewasn’taverywidepointofdifferencebetweenus。FortherestoftheafternoonIpretendedtobesulking，butIwasreallyworkingbacktothatquatrain，likeafox—terrierthat’sburiedadeferredlunchinaprivateflower—bed。WhenIgotanopportunityIhuntedupAgatha’sautograph，whichhadthefrontpagealltoitself，and，copyingherprimhandwritingaswellasIcould，IinsertedaboveitthefollowingThibetanfragment：— \"WithThee，oh，myBeloved，todoadak（adakIbelieveisasortofuncomfortablepost—journey） Onthepack—saddleofagruntingyak，Withneverroomforchillingchaperone，’TwerebetterthanaPanhardinthePark。\" ThatAgathawouldgetontoayakincompanywithalovereveninthecomparativeseclusionofThibetisunthinkable。 Iverymuchdoubtifshe’ddoitwithherownhusbandintheprivacyoftheSimplontunnel。Butpoetry，asI’veremarkedbefore，shouldalwaysstimulatetheimagination。 Bytheway，whenyouaskedmetheotherdaytodinewithyouonthe14th，IsaidIwasdiningwiththeDuchess。Well，I’mnot。I’mdiningwithyou。 THEINNOCENCEOFREGINALD Reginaldslidacarnationofthenewestshadeintothebuttonholeofhislatestloungecoat，andsurveyedtheresultwithapproval。\"Iamjustinthemood，\"heobserved，\"tohavemyportraitpaintedbysomeonewithanunmistakablefuture。Socomfortingtogodowntoposterityas’YouthwithaPinkCarnation’incatalogue——companywith’ChildwithBunchofPrimroses，’andallthatcrowd。\" \"Youth，\"saidtheOther，\"shouldsuggestinnocence。\" \"Butneveractonthesuggestion。Idon’tbelievethetwoeverreallygotogether。Peopletalkvaguelyabouttheinnocenceofalittlechild，buttheytakemightygoodcarenottoletitoutoftheirsightfortwentyminutes。Thewatchedpotneverboilsover。Iknewaboyoncewhoreallywasinnocent；hisparentswereinSociety，buttheynevergavehimamoment’sanxietyfromhisinfancy。Hebelievedincompanyprospectuses，andinthepurityofelections，andinwomenmarryingforlove，andeveninasystemforwinningatroulette。Heneverquitelosthisfaithinit，buthedroppedmoremoneythanhisemployerscouldaffordtolose。 WhenlastIheardofhim，hewasbelievinginhisinnocence； thejuryweren’t。Allthesame，Ireallyaminnocentjustnowofsomethingeveryoneaccusesmeofhavingdone，andsofarasIcansee，theiraccusationswillremainunfounded。\" \"Ratheranunexpectedattitudeforyou。\" \"Ilovepeoplewhodounexpectedthings。Didn’tyoualwaysadorethemanwhoslewalioninapitonasnowyday？Butaboutthisunfortunateinnocence。Well，quitelongago，whenI’dbeenquarrellingwithmorepeoplethanusual，youamongthenumber——itmusthavebeeninNovember，IneverquarrelwithyoutoonearChristmas——IhadanideathatI’dliketowriteabook。Itwastobeabookofpersonalreminiscences，andwastoleaveoutnothing。\" \"Reginald！\" \"ExactlywhattheDuchesssaidwhenImentionedittoher。I wasprovokingandsaidnothing，andthenextthing，ofcourse，wasthateveryoneheardthatI’dwrittenthebookandgotitinthepress。Afterthat，Imighthavebeenagold— fishinaglassbowlforalltheprivacyIgot。Peopleattackedmeaboutitinthemostunexpectedplaces，andimploredorcommandedmetoleaveoutthingsthatI’dforgottenhadeverhappened。IsatbehindMiriamKlopstockonenightinthedresscircleatHisMajesty’s，andshebeganatonceabouttheincidentoftheChowdoginthebathroom，whichsheinsistedmustbestruckout。Wehadtoargueitinadisjointedfashion，becausesomeofthepeoplewantedtolistentotheplay，andMiriamtakesninesinvoices。Theyhadtostopherplayinginthe’Macaws’HockeyClubbecauseyoucouldhearwhatshethoughtwhenhershinsgotmixedupinascrimmageforhalfamileonastillday。TheyarecalledtheMacawsbecauseoftheirblue—and—yellowcostumes，butIunderstandtherewasnothingyellowaboutMiriam’slanguage。Iagreedtomakeonealteration，asIpretendedI hadgotitaSpitzinsteadofaChow，butbeyondthatIwasfirm。Shemegaphonedbacktwominuteslater，’Youpromisedyouwouldnevermentionit；don’tyoueverkeepapromise？’ Whenpeoplehadstoppedglaringinourdirection，IrepliedthatI’dassoonthinkofkeepingwhitemice。Isawhertearinglittlebitsoutofherprogrammeforaminuteortwo，andthensheleanedbackandsnorted，’You’renottheboyI tookyoufor，’asthoughshewereaneaglearrivingatOlympuswiththewrongGanymede。Thatwasherlastaudibleremark，butshewentontearingupherprogrammeandscatteringthepiecesaroundher，tilloneofherneighboursaskedwithimmensedignitywhethersheshouldsendforawastepaperbasket。Ididn’tstayforthelastact。\" \"ThenthereisMrs。——oh，Inevercanrememberhername；shelivesinastreetthatthecabmenhaveneverheardof，andisathomeonWednesdays。Shefrightenedmehorriblyonceataprivateviewbysayingmysteriously，’Ioughtn’ttobehere，youknow；thisisoneofmydays。’Ithoughtshemeantthatshewassubjecttoperiodicaloutbreaksandwasexpectinganattackatanymoment。SoembarrassingifshehadsuddenlytakenitintoherheadthatshewasCesarBorgiaorSt。 ElizabethofHungary。Thatsortofthingwouldmakeoneunpleasantlyconspicuousevenataprivateview。However，shemerelymeanttosaythatitwasWednesday，whichatthemomentwasincontrovertible。Well，she’sonquiteadifferenttacktotheKlopstock。Shedoesn’tvisitanywhereveryextensively，and，ofcourse，she’sawfullykeenformetodraginanincidentthatoccurredatoneoftheBeauwhistlegarden—parties，whenshesayssheaccidentallyhittheshinsofaSereneSomebodyorotherwithacroquetmalletandthathesworeatherinGerman。Asamatteroffact，hewentondiscoursingontheGordon—BennettaffairinFrench。（Inevercanrememberifit’sanewsubmarineoradivorce。Ofcourse，howstupidofme！）Tobedisagreeablyexact，Ifancyshemissedhimbyabouttwoinches——over— anxiousness，probably——butshelikestothinkshehithim。 I’vefeltthatwaywithapartridgewhichIalwaysimaginekeepsonflyingstrong，outoffalsepride，tillit’stheothersideofthehedge。Shesaidshecouldtellmeeverythingshewaswearingontheoccasion。IsaidIdidn’twantmybooktoreadlikealaundrylist，butsheexplainedthatshedidn’tmeanthosesortofthings。\" \"Andthere’stheChilworthboy，whocanbecharmingaslongashe’scontenttobestupidandwearwhathe’stoldto；buthegetstheideanowandthenthathe’dliketobeepigrammatic，andtheresultislikewatchingarooktryingtobuildanestinagale。Sincehegotwindofthebook，he’sbeenpersecutingmetoworkinsomethingofhisabouttheRussiansandtheYaluPeril，andisquitesulkybecauseI won’tdoit。\" \"Altogether，IthinkitwouldberatherabrilliantinspirationifyouweretosuggestafortnightinParis。\"