第8章

Itstruckmetotheheartwhenhetoldmethis，forthough itwasmostrationaltothinkIwouldnotdenyhim，yetIknew inmyownconscienceImustdenyhim，andIsawmyruinin mybeingobligedtodoso；butIknewitwasmybusinessto talkotherwisethen，soIinterruptedhiminhisstorythus。 ’Ay！，’saidI，’doeshethinkIcannotdenyhim？ Butheshall findIcandenyhim，forallthat。’ ’Well，mydear，’sayshe，’butletmegiveyouthewholestory asitwentonbetweenus，andthensaywhatyouwill。’ Thenhewentonandtoldmethatherepliedthus: ’But， brother，youknowshehasnothing，andyoumayhaveseveral ladieswithgoodfortunes。’ ’’Tisnomatterforthat，’saidRobin；’Ilovethegirl，andIwill neverpleasemypocketinmarrying，andnotpleasemyfancy。’ ’Andso，mydear，’addshe，’thereisnoopposinghim。’ ’Yes，yes，’saysI，’youshallseeIcanopposehim；Ihave learnttosayNo，nowthoughIhadnotlearntitbefore；ifthe bestlordinthelandofferedmemarriagenow，Icouldvery cheerfullysayNotohim。’ ’Well，but，mydear，’sayshe，’whatcanyousaytohim？ You know，asyousaidwhenwetalkedofitbefore，hewellask youmanyquestionsaboutit，andallthehousewillwonder whatthemeaningofitshouldbe。’ ’Why，’saysI，smiling，’Icanstopalltheirmouthsatoneclap bytellinghim，andthemtoo，thatIammarriedalreadytohis elderbrother。’ Hesmiledalittletooattheword，butIcouldseeitstartled him，andhecouldnothidethedisorderitputhiminto。 However，hereturned，’Why，thoughthatmaybetrueinsome sense，yetIsupposeyouarebutinjestwhenyoutalkof givingsuchananswerasthat；itmaynotbeconvenienton manyaccounts。’ ’No，no，’saysIpleasantly，’Iamnotsofondoflettingthe secretcomeoutwithoutyourconsent。’ ’Butwhat，then，canyousaytohim，ortothem，’sayshe， ’whentheyfindyoupositiveagainstamatchwhichwould beapparentlysomuchtoyouradvantage？’ ’Why，’saysI，’shouldIbeataloss？ Firstofall，Iamnot obligedtogivemeanyreasonatall；ontheotherhand，Imay tellthemIammarriedalready，andstopthere，andthatwill beafullstoptootohim，forhecanhavenoreasontoaskone questionafterit。’ ’Ay，’sayshe；’butthewholehousewillteaseyouaboutthat， eventofatherandmother，andifyoudenythempositively， theywillbedisobligedatyou，andsuspiciousbesides。’ ’Why，’saysI，’whatcanIdo？ Whatwouldhavemedo？ I wasinstraightenoughbefore，andasItoldyou，Iwasin perplexitybefore，andacquaintedyouwiththecircumstances， thatImighthaveyouradvice。’ ’Mydear，’sayshe，’Ihavebeenconsideringverymuchupon it，youmaybesure，andthoughitisapieceofadvicethathas agreatmanymortificationsinittome，andmayatfirstseem strangetoyou，yet，allthingsconsidered，Iseenobetterway foryouthantolethimgoon；andifyoufindhimheartyand inearnest，marryhim。’ Igavehimalookfullofhorroratthosewords，and，turning paleasdeath，wasattheverypointofsinkingdownoutofthe chairIsatin；when，givingastart，’Mydear，’sayshealoud， ’what’sthematterwithyou？ Whereareyoua-going？’anda greatmanysuchthings；andwithjoggingandcalledtome， fetchedmealittletomyself，thoughitwasagoodwhilebefore Ifullyrecoveredmysenses，andwasnotabletospeakfor severalminutesmore。 WhenIwasfullyrecoveredhebeganagain。 ’Mydear，’says he，’whatmadeyousosurprisedatwhatIsaid？ Iwouldhave youconsiderseriouslyofit？ Youmayseeplainlyhowthe familystandinthiscase，andtheywouldbestarkmadifit wasmycase，asitismybrother’s；andforaughtIsee，it wouldbemyruinandyourstoo。’ ’Ay！’saysI，stillspeakingangrily；’areallyourprotestations andvowstobeshakenbythedislikeofthefamily？ DidInot alwaysobjectthattoyou，andyoumadelightthingofit，as whatyouwereabove，andwouldvalue；andisitcometo thisnow？’saidI。 ’Isthisyourfaithandhonour，yourlove， andthesolidityofyourpromises？’ Hecontinuedperfectlycalm，notwithstandingallmyreproaches， andIwasnotsparingofthematall；butherepliedatlast， ’Mydear，Ihavenotbrokenonepromisewithyouyet；Idid tellyouIwouldmarryyouwhenIwascometomyestate；but youseemyfatherisahale，healthyman，andmaylivethese thirtyyearsstill，andnotbeolderthanseveralareroundusin town；andyouneverproposedmymarryingyousooner， becauseyouknewitmightbemyruin；andastoalltherest，I havenotfailedyouinanything，youhavewantedfornothing。’ Icouldnotdenyawordofthis，andhadnothingtosaytoit ingeneral。 ’Butwhy，then，’saysI，’canyoupersuademeto suchahorridstepasleavingyou，sinceyouhavenotleftme？ Willyouallownoaffection，noloveonmyside，wherethere hasbeensomuchonyourside？ HaveImadeyounoreturns？ HaveIgivennotestimonyofmysincerityandofmypassion？ ArethesacrificesIhavemadeofhonourandmodestytoyou noproofofmybeingtiedtoyouinbondstoostrongtobe broken？’ ’Buthere，mydear，’sayshe，’youmaycomeintoasafestation， andappearwithhonourandwithsplendouratonce，andthe remembranceofwhatwehavedonemaybewraptupinan eternalsilence，asifithadneverhappened；youshallalways havemyrespect，andmysincereaffection，onlythenitshall behonest，andperfectlyjusttomybrother；youshallbemy dearsister，asnowyouaremydear——’andtherehestopped。 ’Yourdearwhore，’saysI，’youwouldhavesaidifyouhad goneon，andyoumightaswellhavesaidit；butIunderstand you。 However，Idesireyoutorememberthelongdiscourses youhavehadwithme，andthemanyhours’painsyouhave takentopersuademetobelievemyselfanhonestwoman； thatIwasyourwifeintentionally，thoughnotintheeyesof theworld，andthatitwasaseffectualamarriagethathad passedbetweenusasiswehadbeenpubliclyweddedbythe parsonoftheparish。 Youknowandcannotbutremember thatthesehavebeenyourownwordstome。’ Ifoundthiswasalittletoocloseuponhim，butImadeitup inwhatfollows。 Hestoodstock-stillforawhileandsaid nothing，andIwentonthus: ’Youcannot，’saysI，’without thehighestinjustice，believethatIyieldeduponallthese persuasionswithoutalovenottobequestioned，nottobe shakenagainbyanythingthatcouldhappenafterward。 Ifyou havesuchdishonourablethoughtsofme，Imustaskyouwhat foundationinanyofmybehaviourhaveIgivenforsucha suggestion？ ’If，then，Ihaveyieldedtotheimportunitiesofmyaffection， andifIhavebeenpersuadedtobelievethatIamreally，and intheessenceofthething，yourwife，shallInowgivethelie toallthoseargumentsandcallmyselfyourwhore，ormistress， whichisthesamething？ Andwillyoutransfermetoyour brother？ Canyoutransfermyaffection？ Canyoubidme ceaselovingyou，andbidmelovehim？ Itisinmypower， thinkyou，tomakesuchachangeatdemand？ No，sir，’saidI， ’dependuponit’tisimpossible，andwhateverthechangeof yoursidemaybe，Iwilleverbetrue；andIhadmuchrather， sinceitiscomethatunhappylength，beyourwhorethanyour brother’swife。’ Heappearedpleasedandtouchedwiththeimpressionofthis lastdiscourse，andtoldmethathestoodwherehedidbefore； thathehadnotbeenunfaithfultomeinanyonepromisehe hadevermadeyet，butthatthereweresomanyterriblethings presentedthemselvestohisviewintheaffairbeforeme，and thatonmyaccountinparticular，thathehadthoughtofthe otherasaremedysoeffectualasnothingcouldcomeuptoit。 Thathethoughtthiswouldnotbeentirepartingus，butwe mightloveasfriendsallourdays，andperhapswithmore satisfactionthanweshouldinthestationwewerenowin， asthingsmighthappen；thathedurstsay，Icouldnotapprehend anythingfromhimastobetrayingasecret，whichcouldnot butbethedestructionofusboth，ifitcameout；thathehad butonequestiontoaskofmethatcouldlieinthewayofit， andifthatquestionwasansweredinthenegative，hecould notbutthinkstillitwastheonlystepIcouldtake。 Iguessedathisquestionpresently，namely，whetherIwas sureIwasnotwithchild？ Astothat，Itoldhimheneednot beconcernedaboutit，forIwasnotwithchild。 ’Why，then， mydear，’sayshe，’wehavenotimetotalkfurthernow。 Considerofit，andthinkcloselyaboutit；Icannotbutbeof theopinionstill，thatitwillbethebestcourseyoucantake。’ Andwiththishetookhisleave，andthemorehastilytoo，his motherandsistersringingatthegate，justatthemomentthat hehadrisenuptogo。 Heleftmeintheutmostconfusionof thought；andheeasily perceiveditthenextday，andalltherestoftheweek，forit wasbutTuesdayeveningwhenwetalked；buthehadno opportunitytocomeatmeallthatweek，tilltheSundayafter， whenI，beingindisposed，didnotgotochurch，andhe，making someexcuseforthelike，stayedathome。 Andnowhehadmeanhourandahalfagainbymyself，and wefellintothesameargumentsalloveragain，oratleastso nearthesame，asitwouldbetonopurposetorepeatthem。 AtlastIaskedhimwarmly，whatopinionhemusthaveofmy modesty，thathecouldsupposeIshouldsomuchasentertain athoughtoflyingwithtwobrothers，andassuredhimitcould neverbe。