Myloverhadbeenatthegatesofdeath，andat
theverybrinkofeternity；and，itseems，hadbeenstruckwith
adueremorse，andwithsadreflectionsuponhispastlifeof
gallantryandlevity；andamongtherest，criminalcorrespondence
withme，whichwasneithermorenorlessthanalong-continued
lifeofadultery，andrepresenteditselfasitreallywas，notas
ithadbeenformerlythoughtbyhimtobe，andhelookedupon
itnowwithajustandreligiousabhorrence。
Icannotbutobservealso，andleaveitforthedirectionofmy
sexinsuchcasesofpleasure，thatwheneversincererepentance
succeedssuchacrimeasthis，thereneverfailstoattenda
hatredoftheobject；andthemoretheaffectionmightseemto
bebefore，thehatredwillbethemoreinproportion。
Itwill
alwaysbeso，indeeditcanbenootherwise；fortherecannot
beatrueandsincereabhorrenceoftheoffence，andthelove
tothecauseofitremain；therewill，withanabhorrenceofthe
sin，befoundadetestationofthefellow-sinner；youcanexpect
noother。
Ifounditsohere，thoughgoodmannersandjusticeinthis
gentlemankepthimfromcarryingitontoanyextremebutthe
shorthistoryofhispartinthisaffairwasthus:
heperceived
bymylastletter，andbyalltherest，whichhewentforafter，
thatIwasnotgonetoBath，thathisfirstletterhadnotcome
tomyhand；uponwhichhewritemethisfollowing:——
’MADAM，——Iamsurprisedthatmyletter，datedthe8thoflast
month，didnotcometoyourhand；Igiveyoumyworditwas
deliveredatyourlodgings，andtothehandsofyourmaid。
’Ineednotacquaintyouwithwhathasbeenmycondition
forsometimepast；andhow，havingbeenattheedgeofthe
grave，Iam，bytheunexpectedandundeservedmercyof
Heaven，restoredagain。
IntheconditionIhavebeenin，it
cannotbestrangetoyouthatourunhappycorrespondence
hadnotbeentheleastoftheburthenswhichlayuponmy
conscience。
Ineedsaynomore；thosethingsthatmustbe
repentedof，mustbealsoreformed。
IwishyouwouldthingofgoingbacktotheBath。
Ienclose
youhereabillfor#50forclearingyourselfatyourlodgings，
andcarryingyoudown，andhopeitwillbenosurprisetoyou
toadd，thatonthisaccountonly，andnotforanyoffencegiven
meonyourside，Icanseeyounomore。
Iwilltakeduecare
ofthechild；leavehimwhereheis，ortakehimwithyou，as
youplease。
Iwishyouthelikereflections，andthattheymay
betoyouradvantage——Iam，’etc。
Iwasstruckwiththisletteraswithathousandwounds，such
asIcannotdescribe；thereproachesofmyownconsciencewere
suchasIcannotexpress，forIwasnotblindtomyowncrime；
andIreflectedthatImightwithlessoffencehavecontinued
withmybrother，andlivedwithhimasawife，sincetherewas
nocrimeinourmarriageonthatscore，neitherofusknowingit。
ButIneveroncereflectedthatIwasallthiswhileamarried
woman，awifetoMr——thelinen-draper，who，thoughhe
hadleftmebythenecessityofhiscircumstances，hadnopower
todischargemefromthemarriagecontractwhichwasbetween
us，ortogivemealegallibertytomarryagain；sothatIhad
beennolessthanawhoreandanadulteressallthiswhile。
I
thenreproachedmyselfwiththelibertiesIhadtaken，andhow
Ihadbeenasnaretothisgentleman，andthatindeedIwas
principalinthecrime；thatnowhewasmercifullysnatchedout
ofthegulfbyaconvincingworkuponhismind，butthatIwas
leftasifIwasforsakenofGod’sgrace，andabandonedby
Heaventoacontinuinginmywickedness。
UnderthesereflectionsIcontinuedverypensiveandsadfor
nearmonth，anddidnotgodowntotheBath，havingno
inclinationtobewiththewomanwhomIwaswithbefore；
lest，asIthought，sheshouldpromptmetosomewicked
courseoflifeagain，asshehaddone；andbesides，Iwasvery
lothsheshouldknowIwascastoffasabove。
AndnowIwasgreatlyperplexedaboutmylittleboy。
Itwas
deathtometopartwiththechild，andyetwhenIconsidered
thedangerofbeingonetimeorotherleftwithhimtokeep
withoutamaintenancetosupporthim，Ithenresolvedtoleave
himwherehewas；butthenIconcludedalsotobenearhim
myselftoo，thatIthenmighthavethesatisfactionofseeing
him，withoutthecareofprovidingforhim。
Isentmygentlemanashortletter，therefore，thatIhadobeyed
hisordersinallthingsbutthatofgoingbacktotheBath，
whichIcouldnotthinkofformanyreasons；thathowever
partingfromhimwasawoundtomethatIcouldneverrecover，
yetthatIwasfullysatisfiedhisreflectionswerejust，andwould
beveryfarfromdesiringtoobstructhisreformationorrepentance。
ThenIrepresentedmyowncircumstancestohiminthemost
movingtermsthatIwasable。
Itoldhimthatthoseunhappy
distresseswhichfirstmovedhimtoagenerousandanhonest
friendshipforme，would，Ihope，movehimtoalittleconcern
formenow，thoughthecriminalpartofourcorrespondence，
whichIbelievedneitherofusintendedtofallintoatthetime，
wasbrokenoff；thatIdesiredtorepentassincerelyashehad
done，butentreatedhimtoputmeinsomeconditionthatI
mightnotbeexposedtothetemptationswhichthedevilnever
failstoexciteustofromthefrightfulprospectofpovertyand
distress；andifhehadtheleastapprehensionsofmybeing
troublesometohim，Ibeggedhewouldputmeinaposture
togobacktomymotherinVirginia，fromwhenheknewI
came，andthatwouldputanendtoallhisfearsonthataccount。
Iconcluded，thatifhewouldsendme#50moretofacilitate
mygoingaway，Iwouldsendhimbackageneralrelease，and
wouldpromisenevertodisturbhimmorewithanyimportunities；
unlessitwastohearofthewell-doingofthechild，whom，if
Ifoundmymotherlivingandmycircumstancesable，Iwould
sendfortocomeovertome，andtakehimalsoeffectuallyoff
hishands。
Thiswasindeedallacheatthusfar，viz。thatIhadnointention
togotoVirginia，atheaccountofmyformeraffairstheremay
convinceanybodyof；butthebusinesswastogetthislast#50
ofhim，ifpossible，knowingwellenoughitwouldbethelast
pennyIwasevertoexpect。
However，theargumentIused，namely，ofgivinghimageneral
release，andnevertroublinghimanymore，prevailedeffectually
withhim，andhesentmeabillforthemoneybyapersonwho
broughtwithhimageneralreleaseformetosign，andwhich
Ifranklysigned，andreceivedthemoney；andthus，thoughfull
soreagainstmywill，afinalendwasputtothisaffair。
AndhereIcannotbutreflectupontheunhappyconsequence
oftoogreatfreedomsbetweenpersonsstatedaswewere，
uponthepretenceofinnocentintentions，loveoffriendship，
andthelike；forthefleshhasgenerallysogreatashareinthose
friendships，thatisgreatoddsbutinclinationprevailsatlast
overthemostsolemnresolutions；andthatvicebreaksinat
thebreachesofdecency，whichreallyinnocentfriendshipought
topreservewiththegreateststrictness。
ButIleavethereaders
ofthesethingstotheirownjustreflections，whichtheywillbe
moreabletomakeeffectualthanI，whososoonforgotmyself，
andamthereforebutaveryindifferentmonitor。
Iwasnowasinglepersonagain，asImaycallmyself；Iwas
loosedfromalltheobligationseitherofwedlockormistress-ship
intheworld，exceptmyhusbandthelinen-draper，whom，Ihaving
notnowheardfrominalmostfifteenyears，nobodycould
blamemeforthinkingmyselfentirelyfreedfrom；seeingalsohe
hadathisgoingawaytoldme，thatifIdidnothearfrequently
fromhim，Ishouldconcludehewasdead，andImightfreely
marryagaintowhomIpleased。
Inowbegantocastupmyaccounts。
Ihadbymanyletters
andmuchimportunity，andwiththeintercessionofmymother
too，hadasecondreturnofsomegoodsfrommybrother(asI
nowcallhim)inVirginia，tomakeupthedamageofthecargo
Ibroughtawaywithme，andthistoowasuponthecondition
ofmysealingageneralreleasetohim，andtosendithimby
hiscorrespondentatBristol，which，thoughIthoughthardof，
yetIwasobligedtopromisetodo。
However，Imanagedso
wellinthiscase，thatIgotmygoodsawaybeforetherelease
wassigned，andthenIalwaysfoundsomethingorothertosay
toevadethething，andtoputoffthesigningitatall；tillat
lengthIpretendedImustwritetomybrother，andhavehis
answer，beforeIcoulddoit。
Includingthisrecruit，andbeforeIgotthelast#50，Ifound
mystrengthtoamount，putalltogether，toabout#400，so
thatwiththatIhadabout#450。
Ihadsavedabove#100more，
butImetwithadisasterwiththat，whichwasthis——thata
goldsmithinwhosehandsIhadtrustedit，broke，soIlost#70
ofmymoney，theman’scompositionnotmakingabove#30
outofhis#100。
Ihadalittleplate，butnotmuch，andwas
wellenoughstockedwithclothesandlinen。
WiththisstockIhadtheworldtobeginagain；butyouareto
considerthatIwasnotnowthesamewomanaswhenIlived
atRedriff；for，firstofall，Iwasneartwentyyearsolder，and
didnotlookthebetterformyage，norformyramblesto
Virginiaandbackagain；andthoughIomittednothingthat
mightsetmeouttoadvantage，exceptpainting，forthatInever
stoopedto，andhadprideenoughtothinkIdidnotwantit，yet
therewouldalwaysbesomedifferenceseenbetweenfive-and-twenty
andtwo-and-forty。
Icastaboutinnumerablewaysformyfuturestateoflife，and
begantoconsiderveryseriouslywhatIshoulddo，butnothing
offered。
Itookcaretomaketheworldtakemeforsomething
morethanIwas，andhaditgivenoutthatIwasafortune，and
thatmyestatewasinmyownhands；thelastofwhichwas
verytrue，thefirstofitwasasabove。
Ihadnoacquaintance，
whichwasoneofmyworstmisfortunes，andtheconsequence
ofthatwas，Ihadnoadviser，atleastwhocouldassistand
advisetogether；andaboveall，IhadnobodytowhomIcould
in
confidencecommitthesecretofmycircumstancesto，and
coulddependuponfortheirsecrecyandfidelity；andIfound
byexperience，thattobefriendlessintheworstcondition，
nexttobeinginwantthatawomancanbereducedto:
Isay
