第59章

Igrieveddayandnightforhim，andthemoreforthat theytoldmehewasthecaptainofthegang，andthathehad committedsomanyrobberies，thatHind，orWhitney，orthe GoldenFarmerwerefoolstohim；thathewouldsurelybe hangediftherewerenomoremenleftinthecountryhewas bornin；andthattherewouldabundanceofpeoplecomein againsthim。 Iwasoverwhelmedwithgriefforhim；myowncasegaveme nodisturbancecomparedtothis，andIloadedmyselfwith reproachesonhisaccount。 Ibewailedhismisfortunes，and theruinhewasnowcometo，atsucharate，thatIrelished nothingnowasIdidbefore，andthefirstreflectionsImade uponthehorrid，detestablelifeIhadlivedbegantoreturnupon me，andasthesethingsreturned，myabhorrenceoftheplace Iwasin，andofthewayoflivinginit，returnedalso；inaword， Iwasperfectlychanged，andbecomeanotherbody。 WhileIwasundertheseinfluencesofsorrowforhim，came noticetomethatthenextsessionsapproachingtherewould beabillpreferredtothegrandjuryagainstme，andthatI shouldbecertainlytriedformylifeattheOldBailey。 My temperwastouchedbefore，thehardened，wretchedboldness ofspiritwhichIhadacquiredabated，andconsciousinthe prison，guiltbegantoflowinuponmymind。 Inshort，Ibegan tothink，andtothinkisonerealadvancefromhelltoheaven。 Allthathellish，hardenedstateandtemperofsoul，whichI havesaidsomuchofbefore，isbutadeprivationofthought； hethatisrestoredtohispowerofthinking，isrestoredtohimself。 AssoonasIbegan，Isay，tothink，thefirstthinkthatoccurred tomebrokeoutthus: ’Lord！whatwillbecomeofme？ Ishall certainlydie！ Ishallbecast，tobesure，andthereisnothing beyondthatbutdeath！ Ihavenofriends；whatshallIdo？ I shallbecertainlycast！ Lord，havemercyuponme！ What willbecomeofme？’ Thiswasasadthought，youwillsay，to bethefirst，aftersolongatime，thathadstartedintomysoul ofthatkind，andyeteventhiswasnothingbutfrightatwhat wastocome；therewasnotawordofsincererepentanceinit all。 However，Iwasindeeddreadfullydejected，anddisconsolate tothelastdegree；andasIhadnofriendintheworldto communicatemydistressedthoughtsto，itlaysoheavyupon me，thatitthrewmeintofitsandswooningsseveraltimesa day。 Isentformyoldgoverness，andshe，giveherherdue， actedthepartofatruefriend。 Sheleftnostoneunturnedto preventthegrandjuryfindingthebill。 Shesoughtoutoneor twoofthejurymen，talkedwiththem，andendeavouredto possessthemwithfavourabledispositions，onaccountthat nothingwastakenaway，andnohousebroken，etc。；butall wouldnotdo，theywereover-ruledbytherest；thetwowenches sworehometothefact，andthejuryfoundthebillagainstme forrobberyandhouse-breaking，thatis，forfelonyandburglary。 Isunkdownwhentheybroughtmenewsofit，andafterIcame tomyselfagain，IthoughtIshouldhavediedwiththeweight ofit。 Mygovernessactedatruemothertome；shepitiedme， shecriedwithme，andforme，butshecouldnothelpme； andtoaddtotheterrorofit，’twasthediscoursealloverthe housethatIshoulddieforit。 Icouldhearthemtalkitamong themselvesveryoften，andseethemshaketheirheadsandsay theyweresorryforit，andthelike，asisusualintheplace。 Butstillnobodycametotellmetheirthoughts，tillatlastone ofthekeeperscametomeprivately，andsaidwithasigh， ’Well，Mrs。Flanders，youwillbetriedonFriday’(thiswas butaWednesday)；’whatdoyouintendtodo？’ Iturnedas whiteasaclout，andsaid，’GodknowswhatIshalldo；formy part，Iknownotwhattodo。’ ’Why，’sayshe，’Iwon’tflatter you，Iwouldhaveyoupreparefordeath，forIdoubtyouwill becast；andastheysayyouareanoldoffender，Idoubtyou willfindbutlittlemercy。 Theysay，’addedhe，’yourcaseis veryplain，andthatthewitnessesswearsohomeagainstyou， therewillbenostandingit。’ Thiswasastabintotheveryvitalsofoneundersuchaburthen asIwasoppressedwithbefore，andIcouldnotspeaktohima word，goodorbad，foragreatwhile；butatlastIburstoutinto tears，andsaidtohim，’Lord！Mr——，whatmustIdo？’ ’Do！’ sayshe，’sendfortheordinary；sendforaministerandtalk withhim；for，indeed，Mrs。Flanders，unlessyouhavevery goodfriends，youarenowomanforthisworld。’ Thiswasplaindealingindeed，butitwasveryharshtome， atleastIthoughtitso。 Heleftmeinthegreatestconfusion imaginable，andallthatnightIlayawake。 AndnowIbegan tosaymyprayers，whichIhadscarcedonebeforesincemy lasthusband’sdeath，orfromalittlewhileafter。 AndtrulyI maywellcallitsayingmyprayers，forIwasinsuchaconfusion， andhadsuchhorroruponmymind，thatthoughIcried，and repeatedseveraltimestheordinaryexpressionof’Lord，have mercyuponme！’Ineverbroughtmyselftoanysenseofmy beingamiserablesinner，asindeedIwas，andofconfessing mysinstoGod，andbeggingpardonforthesakeofJesus Christ。 Iwasoverwhelmedwiththesenseofmycondition， beingtriedformylife，andbeingsuretobecondemned，and thenIwasassuretobeexecuted，andonthisaccountIcried outallnight，’Lord，whatwillbecomeofme？ Lord！what shallIdo？ Lord！Ishallbehanged！ Lord，havemercyupon me！’andthelike。 EndofPart7 Part8 Mypoorafflictedgovernesswasnowasmuchconcernedas I，andagreatdealmoretrulypenitent，thoughshehadno prospectofbeingbroughttotrialandsentence。 Notbutthat shedeserveditasmuchasI，andsoshesaidherself；butshe hadnotdoneanythingherselfformanyyears，otherthan receivingwhatIandothersstole，andencouragingustosteal it。 Butshecried，andtookonlikeadistractedbody，wringing herhands，andcryingoutthatshewasundone，thatshe believedtherewasacursefromheavenuponher，thatshe shouldbedamned，thatshehadbeenthedestructionofallher friends，thatshehadbroughtsuchaone，andsuchaone，and suchaonetothegallows；andthereshereckoneduptenor elevenpeople，someofwhichIhavegivenaccountof，that cametountimelyends；andthatnowshewastheoccasion ofmyruin，forshehadpersuadedmetogoon，whenIwould haveleftoff。 Iinterruptedherthere。 ’No，mother，no，’saidI， ’don’tspeakofthat，foryouwouldhavehadmeleftoffwhen Igotthemercer’smoneyagain，andwhenIcamehomefrom Harwich，andIwouldnothearkentoyou；thereforeyouhave notbeentoblame；itisIonlyhaveruinedmyself，Ihave broughtmyselftothismisery’；andthuswespentmanyhours together。 Well，therewasnoremedy；theprosecutionwenton，andon theThursdayIwascarrieddowntothesessions-house，where Iwasarraigned，astheycalledit，andthenextdayIwas appointedtobetried。 AtthearraignmentIpleaded’Notguilty，’ andwellImight，forIwasindictedforfelonyandburglary； thatis，forfeloniouslystealingtwopiecesofbrocadedsilk， value#46，thegoodsofAnthonyJohnson，andforbreaking openhisdoors；whereasIknewverywelltheycouldnot pretendtoproveIhadbrokenupthedoors，orsomuchas liftedupalatch。 OntheFridayIwasbroughttomytrial。 Ihadexhaustedmy spiritswithcryingfortwoorthreedaysbefore，sothatIslept bettertheThursdaynightthanIexpected，andhadmorecourage formytrialthanindeedIthoughtpossibleformetohave。 Whenthetrialbegan，theindictmentwasread，Iwouldhave spoke，buttheytoldmethewitnessesmustbeheardfirst，and thenIshouldhavetimetobeheard。 Thewitnesseswerethe twowenches，acoupleofhard-mouthedjadesindeed，for thoughthethingwastruthinthemain，yettheyaggravatedit totheutmostextremity，andsworeIhadthegoodswhollyin mypossession，thatIhadhidthemamongmyclothes，thatI wasgoingoffwiththem，thatIhadonefootoverthethreshold whentheydiscoveredthemselves，andthenIputt’otherover， sothatIwasquiteoutofthehouseinthestreetwiththegoods beforetheytookholdofme，andthentheyseizedme，and broughtmebackagain，andtheytookthegoodsuponme。 The factingeneralwasalltrue，butIbelieve，andinsisteduponit， thattheystoppedmebeforeIhadsetmyfootclearofthe thresholdofthehouse。 Butthatdidnotarguemuch，forcertain itwasthatIhadtakenthegoods，andIwasbringingthemaway， ifIhadnotbeentaken。 ButIpleadedthatIhadstolenothing，theyhadlostnothing， thatthedoorwasopen，andIwentin，seeingthegoodslie there，andwithdesigntobuy。