seemedastonishedatthestory，andaskedherathousand
questionsabouttheparticulars，whichIfoundshewas
thoroughlyacquaintedwith。
AtlastIbegantoinquireintothe
circumstancesofthefamily，howtheoldgentlewoman，Imean
mymother，died，andhowsheleftwhatshehad；formymother
hadpromisedmeverysolemnly，thatwhenshediedshewould
dosomethingforme，andleaveitso，asthat，ifIwasliving，I
shouldonewayorothercomeatit，withoutitsbeinginthe
powerofherson，mybrotherandhusband，topreventit。
She
toldmeshedidnotknowexactlyhowitwasordered，butshe
hadbeentoldthatmymotherhadleftasumofmoney，and
hadtiedherplantationforthepaymentofit，tobemadegood
tothedaughter，ifevershecouldbeheardof，eitherinEngland
orelsewhere；andthatthetrustwasleftwiththisson，whowas
thepersonthatwesawwithhisfather。
Thiswasnewstoogoodformetomakelightof，and，you
maybesure，filledmyheartwithathousandthoughts，what
courseIshouldtake，how，andwhen，andinwhatmannerI
shouldmakemyselfknown，orwhetherIshouldevermake
myselfknoworno。
HerewasaperplexitythatIhadnotindeedskilltomanage
myselfin，neitherknewIwhatcoursetotake。
Itlayheavy
uponmymindnightandday。
Icouldneithersleepnor
converse，sothatmyhusbandperceivedit，andwonderedwhat
ailedme，strovetodivertme，butitwasalltonopurpose。
He
pressedmetotellhimwhatitwastroubledme，butIputitoff，
tillatlast，importuningmecontinually，Iwasforcedtoform
astory，whichyethadaplaintruthtolayitupontoo。
Itold
himIwastroubledbecauseIfoundwemustshiftourquarters
andalterourschemeofsettling，forthatIfoundIshouldbe
knownifIstayedinthatpartofthecountry；forthatmymother
beingdead，severalofmyrelationswerecomeintothatpart
wherewethenwas，andthatImusteitherdiscovermyselfto
them，whichinourpresentcircumstanceswasnotproperon
manyaccounts，orremove；andwhichtodoIknewnot，and
thatthisitwasthatmademesomelancholyandsothoughtful。
Hejoinedwithmeinthis，thatitwasbynomeansproperfor
metomakemyselfknowntoanybodyinthecircumstances
inwhichwethenwere；andthereforehetoldmehewouldbe
willingtoremovetoanyotherpartofthecountry，orevento
anyothercountryifIthoughtfit。
ButnowIhadanother
difficulty，whichwas，thatifIremovedtoanyothercolony，I
putmyselfoutofthewayofevermakingaduesearchafter
thoseeffectswhichmymotherhadleft。
AgainIcouldnever
somuchasthinkofbreakingthesecretofmyformermarriage
tomynewhusband；itwasnotastory，asIthought，thatwould
beartelling，norcouldItellwhatmightbetheconsequences
ofit；anditwasimpossibletosearchintothebottomofthe
thingwithoutmakingitpublicalloverthecountry，aswell
whoIwas，aswhatInowwasalso。
InthisperplexityIcontinuedagreatwhile，andthismademy
spouseveryuneasy；forhefoundmeperplexed，andyetthought
Iwasnotopenwithhim，anddidnotlethimintoeverypart
ofmygrievance；andhewouldoftensay，hewonderedwhat
hehaddonethatIwouldnottrusthimwithwhateveritwas，
especiallyifitwasgrievousandafflicting。
Thetruthis，he
oughttohavebeentrustedwitheverything，fornomaninthe
worldcoulddeservebetterofawife；butthiswasathingI
knewnothowtoopentohim，andyethavingnobodyto
discloseanypartofitto，theburthenwastooheavyformy
mind；forletthemsaywhattheypleaseofoursexnotbeing
abletokeepasecret，mylifeisaplainconvictiontomeofthe
contrary；butbeitoursex，ortheman’ssex，asecretofmoment
shouldalwayshaveaconfidant，abosomfriend，towhomwe
maycommunicatethejoyofit，orthegriefofit，beitwhich
itwill，oritwillbeadoubleweightuponthespirits，and
perhapsbecomeeveninsupportableinitself；andthisIappeal
toallhumantestimonyforthetruthof。
Andthisisthecausewhymanytimesmenaswellaswomen，
andmenofthegreatestandbestqualitiesotherways，yethave
foundthemselvesweakinthispart，andhavenotbeenableto
beartheweightofasecretjoyorofasecretsorrow，buthave
beenobligedtodiscloseit，evenforthemeregivingventto
themselves，andtounbendthemindoppressedwiththeload
andweightswhichattendedit。
Norwasthisanytokenoffolly
orthoughtlessnessatall，butanaturalconsequenceofthething；
andsuchpeople，hadtheystruggledlongerwiththeoppression，
wouldcertainlyhavetolditintheirsleep，anddisclosedthe
secret，letithavebeenofwhatfatalnaturesoever，without
regardtothepersontowhomitmightbeexposed。
This
necessityofnatureisathingwhichworkssometimeswith
suchvehemenceinthemindsofthosewhoareguiltyofany
atrociousvillainy，suchassecretmurderinparticular，thatthey
havebeenobligedtodiscoverit，thoughtheconsequence
wouldnecessarilybetheirowndestruction。
Now，thoughtit
maybetruethatthedivinejusticeoughttohavethegloryof
allthosediscoveriesandconfessions，yet’tisascertainthat
Providence，whichordinarilyworksbythehandsofnature，
makesusehereofthesamenaturalcausestoproducethose
extraordinaryeffects。
Icouldgiveseveralremarkableinstancesofthisinmylong
conversationwithcrimeandwithcriminals。
Iknewonefellow
that，whileIwasinprisoninNewgate，wasoneofthosethey
calledthennight-fliers。
Iknownotwhatotherwordtheymay
haveunderstooditbysince，buthewasonewhobyconnivance
wasadmittedtogoabroadeveryevening，whenheplayedhis
pranks，andfurnishedthosehonestpeopletheycallthief-catchers
withbusinesstofindoutthenextday，andrestoreforareward
whattheyhadstolentheeveningbefore。
Thisfellowwasas
suretotellinhissleepallthathehaddone，andeverystephe
hadtaken，whathehadstolen，andwhere，assureasifhehad
engagedtotellitwaking，andthattherewasnoharmordanger
init，andthereforehewasobliged，afterhehadbeenout，to
lockhimselfup，orbelockedupbysomeofthekeepersthat
hadhiminfee，thatnobodyshouldhearhim；but，ontheother
hand，ifhehadtoldalltheparticulars，andgivenafullaccount
ofhisramblesandsuccess，toanycomrade，anybrotherthief，
ortohisemployers，asImayjustlycallthem，thenallwas
wellwithhim，andhesleptasquietlyasotherpeople。
Asthepublishingthisaccountofmylifeisforthesakeofthe
justmoralofverypartofit，andforinstruction，caution，
warning，andimprovementtoeveryreader，sothiswillnot
pass，Ihope，foranunnecessarydigressionconcerningsome
peoplebeingobligedtodisclosethegreatestsecretseitherof
theirownorotherpeople’saffairs。
Underthecertainoppressionofthisweightuponmymind，I
labouredinthecaseIhavebeennaming；andtheonlyrelief
IfoundforitwastoletmyhusbandintosomuchofitasI
thoughtwouldconvincehimofthenecessitytherewasforus
tothinkofsettlinginsomeotherpartoftheworld；andthe
nextconsiderationbeforeuswas，whichpartoftheEnglish
settlementsweshouldgoto。
Myhusbandwasaperfectstranger
tothecountry，andhadnotyetsomuchasageographical
knowledgeofthesituationoftheseveralplaces；andI，that，
tillIwrotethis，didnotknowwhatthewordgeographical
signified，hadonlyageneralknowledgefromlongconversation
withpeoplethatcamefromorwenttoseveralplaces；butthis
Iknew，thatMaryland，Pennsylvania，EastandWestJersey，
NewYork，andNewEnglandlayallnorthofVirginia，and
thattheywereconsequentlyallcolderclimates，towhichfor
thatveryreason，Ihadanaversion。
ForthatasInaturally
lovedwarmweather，sonowIgrewintoyearsIhadastronger
inclinationtoshunacoldclimate。
Ithereforeconsideredof
goingtoCaroline，whichistheonlysoutherncolonyofthe
EnglishonthecontinentofAmerica，andhitherIproposedto
go；andtheratherbecauseImightwithgreateasecomefrom
thenceatanytime，whenitmightbepropertoinquireafter
mymother’seffects，andtomakemyselfknownenoughto
demandthem。
WiththisresolutionIproposedtomyhusbandourgoingaway
fromwherewewas，andcarryingalloureffectswithusto
Caroline，whereweresolvedtosettle；formyhusbandreadily
agreedtothefirstpart，viz。thatwasnotatallpropertostay
wherewewas，sinceIhadassuredhimweshouldbeknown
there，andtherestIeffectuallyconcealedfromhim。
ButnowIfoundanewdifficultyuponme。
Themainaffair
grewheavyuponmymindstill，andIcouldnotthinkofgoing
outofthecountrywithoutsomehoworothermakinginquiry
intothegrandaffairofwhatmymotherhadoneforme；nor
couldIwithanypatiencebearthethoughtofgoingaway，and
notmakemyselfknowntomyoldhusband(brother)，ortomy
child，hisson；onlyIwouldfainhavehadthisdonewithout
mynewhusbandhavinganyknowledgeofit，ortheyhaving
anyknowledgeofhim，orthatIhadsuchathingasahusband。
Icastaboutinnumerablewaysinmythoughtshowthismight
bedone。
Iwouldgladlyhavesentmyhusbandawayto
Carolinewithallourgoods，andhavecomeaftermyself，but
thiswasimpracticable；hewouldneverstirwithoutme，being
himselfperfectlyunacquaintedwiththecountry，andwiththe
methodsofsettlingthereoranywhereelse。
ThenIthought
wewouldbothgofirstwithpartofourgoods，andthatwhen
weweresettledIshouldcomebacktoVirginiaandfetchthe
remainder；buteventhenIknewhewouldneverpartwithme，
andbelefttheretogoonalone。
Thecasewasplain；hewas
breadagentleman，andbyconsequencewasnotonly
unacquainted，butindolent，andwhenwedidsettle，would
muchrathergooutintothewoodswithhisgun，whichthey
calltherehunting，andwhichistheordinaryworkofthe
Indians，andwhichtheydoasservants；Isay，hewouldrather
dothatthanattendthenaturalbusinessofhisplantation。
Thesewerethereforedifficultiesinsurmountable，andsuchas
Iknewnotwhattodoin。
Ihadsuchstrongimpressionson
