第37章

类别:其他 作者:Virginia Woolf字数:5146更新时间:18/12/27 08:07:33
ItseemedthatRachelherselfhadnosuspicionthatshewaswatched,orthattherewasanythinginhermannerlikelytodrawattentiontoher。 Whathadhappenedtohershedidnotknow。HermindwasverymuchintheconditionoftheracingwatertowhichHelencomparedit。 ShewantedtoseeTerence;shewasperpetuallywishingtoseehimwhenhewasnotthere;itwasanagonytomissseeinghim; agonieswerestrewnallaboutherdayonaccountofhim,butsheneveraskedherselfwhatthisforcedrivingthroughherlifearosefrom。 Shethoughtofnoresultanymorethanatreeperpetuallypresseddownwardsbythewindconsiderstheresultofbeingpresseddownwardsbythewind。 Duringthetwoorthreeweekswhichhadpassedsincetheirwalk,halfadozennotesfromhimhadaccumulatedinherdrawer。Shewouldreadthem,andspendthewholemorninginadazeofhappiness; thesunnylandoutsidethewindowbeingnolesscapableofanalysingitsowncolourandheatthanshewasofanalysinghers。Inthesemoodsshefounditimpossibletoreadorplaythepiano,eventomovebeingbeyondherinclination。Thetimepassedwithouthernoticingit。 Whenitwasdarkshewasdrawntothewindowbythelightsofthehotel。 AlightthatwentinandoutwasthelightinTerence’swindow: therehesat,readingperhaps,ornowhewaswalkingupanddownpullingoutonebookafteranother;andnowhewasseatedinhischairagain,andshetriedtoimaginewhathewasthinkingabout。 ThesteadylightsmarkedtheroomswhereTerencesatwithpeoplemovingroundhim。Everyonewhostayedinthehotelhadapeculiarromanceandinterestaboutthem。Theywerenotordinarypeople。 ShewouldattributewisdomtoMrs。Elliot,beautytoSusanWarrington,asplendidvitalitytoEvelynM。,becauseTerencespoketothem。 Asunreflectingandpervasivewerethemoodsofdepression。 Hermindwasasthelandscapeoutsidewhendarkbeneathcloudsandstraitlylashedbywindandhail。Againshewouldsitpassiveinherchairexposedtopain,andHelen’sfantasticalorgloomywordswerelikesomanydartsgoadinghertocryoutagainstthehardnessoflife。Bestofallwerethemoodswhenfornoreasonagainthisstressoffeelingslackened,andlifewentonasusual,onlywithajoyandcolourinitseventsthatwasunknownbefore; theyhadasignificancelikethatwhichshehadseeninthetree: thenightswereblackbarsseparatingherfromthedays; shewouldhavelikedtorunallthedaysintoonelongcontinuityofsensation。AlthoughthesemoodsweredirectlyorindirectlycausedbythepresenceofTerenceorthethoughtofhim,sheneversaidtoherselfthatshewasinlovewithhim,orconsideredwhatwastohappenifshecontinuedtofeelsuchthings,sothatHelen’simageoftheriverslidingontothewaterfallhadagreatlikenesstothefacts,andthealarmwhichHelensometimesfeltwasjustified。 Inhercuriousconditionofunanalysedsensationsshewasincapableofmakingaplanwhichshouldhaveanyeffectuponherstateofmind。 Sheabandonedherselftothemercyofaccidents,missingTerenceoneday,meetinghimthenext,receivinghislettersalwayswithastartofsurprise。Anywomanexperiencedintheprogressofcourtshipwouldhavecomebycertainopinionsfromallthiswhichwouldhavegivenheratleastatheorytogoupon;butnoonehadeverbeeninlovewithRachel,andshehadneverbeeninlovewithanyone。 Moreover,noneofthebookssheread,from_Wuthering__Heights_ to_Man__and__Superman_,andtheplaysofIbsen,suggestedfromtheiranalysisoflovethatwhattheirheroinesfeltwaswhatshewasfeelingnow。Itseemedtoherthathersensationshadnoname。 ShemetTerencefrequently。Whentheydidnotmeet,hewasapttosendanotewithabookoraboutabook,forhehadnotbeenableafteralltoneglectthatapproachtointimacy。Butsometimeshedidnotcomeordidnotwriteforseveraldaysatatime。 Againwhentheymettheirmeetingmightbeoneofinspiritingjoyorofharassingdespair。Overalltheirpartingshungthesenseofinterruption,leavingthembothunsatisfied,thoughignorantthattheothersharedthefeeling。 IfRachelwasignorantofherownfeelings,shewasevenmorecompletelyignorantofhis。Atfirsthemovedasagod; asshecametoknowhimbetterhewasstillthecentreoflight,butcombinedwiththisbeautyawonderfulpowerofmakingherdaringandconfidentofherself。Shewasconsciousofemotionsandpowerswhichshehadneversuspectedinherself,andofadepthintheworldhithertounknown。Whenshethoughtoftheirrelationshipshesawratherthanreasoned,representingherviewofwhatTerencefeltbyapictureofhimdrawnacrosstheroomtostandbyherside。 Thispassageacrosstheroomamountedtoaphysicalsensation,butwhatitmeantshedidnotknow。 Thusthetimewenton,wearingacalm,brightlookuponitssurface。 LetterscamefromEngland,letterscamefromWilloughby,andthedaysaccumulatedtheirsmalleventswhichshapedtheyear。 Superficially,threeodesofPindarweremended,Helencoveredaboutfiveinchesofherembroidery,andSt。Johncompletedthefirsttwoactsofaplay。HeandRachelbeingnowverygoodfriends,hereadthemaloudtoher,andshewassogenuinelyimpressedbytheskillofhisrhythmsandthevarietyofhisadjectives,aswellasbythefactthathewasTerence’sfriend,thathebegantowonderwhetherhewasnotintendedforliteratureratherthanforlaw。Itwasatimeofprofoundthoughtandsuddenrevelationsformorethanonecouple,andseveralsinglepeople。 ASundaycame,whichnooneinthevillawiththeexceptionofRachelandtheSpanishmaidproposedtorecognise。Rachelstillwenttochurch,becauseshehadnever,accordingtoHelen,takenthetroubletothinkaboutit。Sincetheyhadcelebratedtheserviceatthehotelshewentthereexpectingtogetsomepleasurefromherpassageacrossthegardenandthroughthehallofthehotel,althoughitwasverydoubtfulwhethershewouldseeTerence,oratanyratehavethechanceofspeakingtohim。 AsthegreaternumberofvisitorsatthehotelwereEnglish,therewasalmostasmuchdifferencebetweenSundayandWednesdayasthereisinEngland,andSundayappearedhereasthere,themuteblackghostorpenitentspiritofthebusyweekday。TheEnglishcouldnotpalethesunshine,buttheycouldinsomemiraculouswayslowdownthehours,dulltheincidents,lengthenthemeals,andmakeeventheservantsandpage-boyswearalookofboredomandpropriety。 Thebestclotheswhicheveryoneputonhelpedthegeneraleffect; itseemedthatnoladycouldsitdownwithoutbendingacleanstarchedpetticoat,andnogentlemancouldbreathewithoutasuddencracklefromastiffshirt-front。Asthehandsoftheclocknearedeleven,onthisparticularSunday,variouspeopletendedtodrawtogetherinthehall,claspinglittleredleavedbooksintheirhands。 Theclockmarkedafewminutestothehourwhenastoutblackfigurepassedthroughthehallwithapreoccupiedexpression,asthoughhewouldrathernotrecognisesalutations,althoughawareofthem,anddisappeareddownthecorridorwhichledfromit。 “Mr。Bax,“Mrs。Thornburywhispered。 Thelittlegroupofpeoplethenbegantomoveoffinthesamedirectionasthestoutblackfigure。Lookedatinanoddwaybypeoplewhomadenoefforttojointhem,theymovedwithoneexceptionslowlyandconsciouslytowardsthestairs。 Mrs。Flushingwastheexception。Shecamerunningdownstairs,strodeacrossthehall,joinedtheprocessionmuchoutofbreath,demandingofMrs。Thornburyinanagitatedwhisper,“Where,where?“ “Weareallgoing,“saidMrs。Thornburygently,andsoontheyweredescendingthestairstwobytwo。Rachelwasamongthefirsttodescend。ShedidnotseethatTerenceandHirstcameinattherearpossessedofnoblackvolume,butofonethinbookboundinlight-bluecloth,whichSt。Johncarriedunderhisarm。 Thechapelwastheoldchapelofthemonks。ItwasaprofoundcoolplacewheretheyhadsaidMassforhundredsofyears,anddonepenanceinthecoldmoonlight,andworshippedoldbrownpicturesandcarvedsaintswhichstoodwithupraisedhandsofblessinginthehollowsinthewalls。ThetransitionfromCatholictoProtestantworshiphadbeenbridgedbyatimeofdisuse,whentherewerenoservices,andtheplacewasusedforstoringjarsofoil,liqueur,anddeck-chairs; thehotelflourishing,somereligiousbodyhadtakentheplaceinhand,anditwasnowfittedoutwithanumberofglazedyellowbenches,claret-colouredfootstools;ithadasmallpulpit,andabrasseaglecarryingtheBibleonitsback,whilethepietyofdifferentwomenhadsupplieduglysquaresofcarpet,andlongstripsofembroideryheavilywroughtwithmonogramsingold。 Asthecongregationenteredtheyweremetbymildsweetchordsissuingfromaharmonium,whereMissWillett,concealedfromviewbyabaizecurtain,struckemphaticchordswithuncertainfingers。 Thesoundspreadthroughthechapelastheringsofwaterspreadfromafallenstone。Thetwentyortwenty-fivepeoplewhocomposedthecongregationfirstbowedtheirheadsandthensatupandlookedaboutthem。Itwasveryquiet,andthelightdownhereseemedpalerthanthelightabove。Theusualbowsandsmilesweredispensedwith,buttheyrecognisedeachother。TheLord’sPrayerwasreadoverthem。 Asthechildlikebattleofvoicesrose,thecongregation,manyofwhomhadonlymetonthestaircase,feltthemselvespatheticallyunitedandwell-disposedtowardseachother。 Asiftheprayerwereatorchappliedtofuel,asmokeseemedtoriseautomaticallyandfilltheplacewiththeghostsofinnumerableservicesoninnumerableSundaymorningsathome。SusanWarringtoninparticularwasconsciousofthesweetestsenseofsisterhood,asshecoveredherfacewithherhandsandsawslipsofbentbacksthroughthechinksbetweenherfingers。Heremotionsrosecalmlyandevenly,approvingofherselfandoflifeatthesametime。 Itwasallsoquietandsogood。ButhavingcreatedthispeacefulatmosphereMr。Baxsuddenlyturnedthepageandreadapsalm。 Thoughhereaditwithnochangeofvoicethemoodwasbroken。 “Bemercifuluntome,OGod,“heread,“formangoethabouttodevourme: heisdailyfightingandtroublingme……Theydailymistakemywords:allthattheyimagineistodomeevil。Theyholdalltogetherandkeepthemselvesclose……Breaktheirteeth,OGod,intheirmouths;smitethejaw-bonesofthelions,OLord: letthemfallawaylikewaterthatrunnethapace;andwhentheyshoottheirarrowsletthemberootedout。“ NothinginSusan’sexperienceatallcorrespondedwiththis,andasshehadnoloveoflanguageshehadlongceasedtoattendtosuchremarks,althoughshefollowedthemwiththesamekindofmechanicalrespectwithwhichsheheardmanyofLear’sspeechesreadaloud。HermindwasstillsereneandreallyoccupiedwithpraiseofherownnatureandpraiseofGod,thatisofthesolemnandsatisfactoryorderoftheworld。 Butitcouldbeseenfromaglanceattheirfacesthatmostoftheothers,themeninparticular,felttheinconvenienceofthesuddenintrusionofthisoldsavage。Theylookedmoresecularandcriticalasthenlistenedtotheravingsoftheoldblackmanwithaclothroundhisloinscursingwithvehementgesturebyacamp-fireinthedesert。 Afterthattherewasageneralsoundofpagesbeingturnedasiftheywereinclass,andthentheyreadalittlebitoftheOldTestamentaboutmakingawell,verymuchasschoolboystranslateaneasypassagefromthe_Anabasis_whentheyhaveshutuptheirFrenchgrammar。ThentheyreturnedtotheNewTestamentandthesadandbeautifulfigureofChrist。WhileChristspoketheymadeanotherefforttofithisinterpretationoflifeuponthelivestheylived,butastheywereallverydifferent,somepractical,someambitious,somestupid,somewildandexperimental,someinlove,andotherslongpastanyfeelingexceptafeelingofcomfort,theydidverydifferentthingswiththewordsofChrist。