第12章

Micesqueakedunderthefloor，andonthefurthersideoftheOkaanowlscreeched，whileamidthepitch-blackheavensIcouldseeanumberofblotchesintermittentlylighteningtoanelusiveredandblurringthefaintglitterofthestars。 “Itwasoneo’clockinthemorningwhenmyfatherdied，“Gubincontinued。“Anduponmyself，whowasseventeenandhadjustfinishedmycourseatthemunicipalschoolofRiazan，theredevolved，naturallyenough，alltheenmitythatmyfatherhadincurredduringhislifetime。’Heisjustlikehissire，’folksaid。Also，Iwasalone，absolutelyalone，intheworld，sincemymotherhadlostherreasontwoyearsbeforemyfather’sdeath，andpassedawayinafrenzy。However，Ihadanuncle，aretiredunter-officierwhowasbothasluggard，atippler，andahero(aherobecausehehadhadhiseyesshotoutatPlevna，andhisleftarminjuredinamannerwhichhadinducedparalysis，andhisbreastadornedwiththemilitarycrossandasetofmedals)。Andsometimes，thisuncleofminewouldrallymeonmylearning。Forinstance，’Scholar，’hewouldsay，’whatdoes“tiversia“mean？’’Nosuchwordexists，’wouldbemyreply，andthereuponhewouldseizemebythehair，forhewasratheranawkwardpersontodealwith。Anotherfactorasconcernedmakingmeashamedofmyscholarshipwastheignoranceofthetownspeopleingeneral，andintheendIbecamethecommonbutt，asortof’holyidiot。’“ SogreatlydidtheserecollectionsmoveGubinthatheroseandtransferredhispositiontothedoorofthehut，where，adarkbluragainstthesquareofblue，helitagurglingpipe，andpuffedthereatuntilhislong，conicalnoseglowed。Presentlythesurgingstreamofwordsbeganagain: “AttwentyImarriedanorphan，andwhenshefellillanddiedchildlessIfoundmyselfaloneoncemore，andwithoutanadviserorafriend。However，stillIcontinuedbothtoliveandtolookaboutme。Andintime，Iperceivedthatlifeisnotlivedwhollyasitshouldbe。“ “Whatinlifeis’notlivedwhollyasitshouldbe’？“ “Everythinginlife。Forlifeismerefolly，merefatuousnonsense。Thetruthisthatourdogsdonotbarkalwaysattherightmoment。Forinstance，whenIsaidtofolk，’Howwoulditbeifweweretoopenatechnicalschoolforgirls？’Theymerelylaughedandreplied，’Tradeworkersarehopelessdrunkards。Alreadyhaveweenoughofthem。Besides，hithertowomenhavecontrivedtogetonWITHOUTeducation。’AndwhennextIconceivedaschemeforinstitutingamatchfactory，itbefellthatthefactorywasburntdownduringitsfirstyearofexistence，andIfoundmyselfoncemoreatalooseend。Nextacertainwomangotholdofme，andIflittedaboutherlikeamartinaroundabelfry，andsolostmyheadastolivelifeasthoughIwerenotonearthatall——forthreeyearsIdidnotknowevenwhatIwasdoing，andonlywhenIrecoveredmysensesdidI perceivemyselftobeapauper，andmyall，everysinglethingthatIhadpossessed，tohavepassedintoHERwhitehands。Yes，attwenty-eightIfoundmyselfabeggar。YetIhaveneverwhollyregrettedthefact，forcertainlyforatimeIlivedlifeasfewmeneverliveit。’Takemyall——takeit！’Iusedtosaytoher。 And，trulyenough，Ishouldneverhavedonemuchgoodwithmyfather’sfortune，whereasshe——well，soitbefell。SomehowI thinkthatinthosedaysmyopinionsmusthavebeendifferentfromnow——nowthatIhavelosteverything……Yetthewomanusedtosay，’YouhaveNOTlosteverything，’andshehadwitenoughtofitoutawholetownfulofpeople。“ “Thiswoman——whowasshe？“ “Thewifeofamerchant。Wheneversheunrobedandsaid，’Come！ Whatisthisbodyofmineworth？’Iusedtomakereply，’Apricethatisbeyondcompute。’……SowithinthreeyearseverythingthatIpossessedvanishedlikesmoke。Sometimes，ofcourse，folklaughedatandjibedatme；nordidIeverrefutethem。ButnowthatIhavecometohaveabetterunderstandingoflife’saffairs，Iseethatlifeisnotwhollylivedasitshouldbe。Forthatmatter，too，Idonotholdmytongueonthesubject，forthatisnotmyway——stilllefttomeIhaveatongueandmysoul。 Thesamereasonaccountsforthefactthatnoonelikesme，andthatbyeveryoneIamlookeduponasafool。“ “How，inyouropinion，oughtlifetobelived？“ Withoutansweringmeatonce，Gubinsuckedathispipeuntilhisnosemadeaglowingredblurinthedarkness。Thenhemutteredslowly: “Howlifeoughttobelivednoonecouldsayexactly。AndthisthoughIhavegivenmuchthoughttothesubject，andstillamdoingso。“ Ifounditnodifficultmattertoformamentalpictureofthedesolateexistencewhichthismanmustbeleading——thismanwhomallhisfellowsbothderidedandshunned。ForatthattimeItoowasbiddingfairtofailinlife，andhadmyheartinthegripofceaselessdespondency。 ThetruthisthatoffutilepeopleRussiaisover-full。ManysuchImyselfhaveknown，andalwaystheyhaveattractedmeasstronglyandmysteriouslyasamagnet。Alwaystheyhavestruckmemorefavourablythantheprovincial-mindedmajoritywholiveforfoodandworkalone，andputawayfromthemallthatcouldconceivablyrendertheirbread-winningdifficult，orpreventthemfromsnatchingbreadoutofthehandsoftheirweakerneighbours。Formostsuchfolkaregloomyandself-contained，withheartsthathaveturnedtowood，andanoutlookthateverrevertstothepast；unless，indeed，theybefolkofspuriousgoodnature，anadditiontotalkativeness，andanapparentbonhomiewhichveilsafrigid，greyinterior，andconveysanimpressionofcrueltyandgreedofallthatlifecontains。 Always，intheend，Ihavedetectedinsuchfolksomethingwintry，somethingthatmakesthemseem，asitwere，tobespendingspringandsummerinexpectationsolelyofthewinterseason，withitslongnights，anditscoldofanausteritywhichforcesoneforevertobeconsumingfood。 Yetseldomamongthisdistastefulandwearisomecrowdofwintryfolkistheretobeencounteredamanwhohasaltogetherprovedafailure。Butifhehasdoneso，hewillbefoundtobeamanwhosenatureisofamorethoughtful，amoretrulyexistent，amoreclear-sightedcastthanthatofhisfellows——amanwhoatleastcanlookbeyondtheboundariesofthetriteandcommonplace，andwhosementalityhasagreatercapacityforattainingspiritualfulfilment，andismoredesirousofdoingso，thanthementalityofhiscompeers。Thatistosay，insuchamanonecanalwaysdetectastrivingforspace，asamanwho，lovinglight，carrieslightinhimself。 Unfortunately，alltoooftenisthatlightonlythefugitivephosphorescenceofputrefaction；whereforeasonecontemplateshimonesoonbeginstorealisewithbitternessandvexationanddisappointmentthatheisbutasluggard，butabraggart，butonewhoispettyandweakandblindedwithconceitanddistortedwithenvy，butonebetweenwhosewordandwhosedeedtheregapesadisparityevenwideranddeeperthanthedisparitywhichdividesthewordfromthedeedofthemanofwinter，ofthemanwho，thoughhebeastardyasasnail，atleastismakingsomewayintheworld，incontradistinctionfromthefailurewhorevolveseverinasinglespot，likesomebarrenoldmaidbeforethereflectioninherlooking-glass。 Hence，asIlistenedtoGubin，thererecurredtomemorethanoneinstanceofhistype。 “Yes，Ihavesucceededinobservinglifethroughout，“hemuttereddrowsilyashisheadsankslowlyuponhisbreast。 Andsleepovertookmyselfwithsimilarsuddenness。Apparentlythatslumberwasofafewminutes’durationonly，yetwhatarousedmewasGubinpullingatmyleg。 “Getupnow，“hesaid。“Itistimethatwewereoff。“ Andashisbluish-greyeyespeeredintomyface，somehowI derivedfromtheirmournfulexpressionasenseofintellectuality。Beneaththehaironhishollowcheekswerereddishveins，whilesimilarveins，bluishintint，coveredwithanetworkhistemples，andhisbarearmshadtheappearanceofbeingmadeoftannedleather。 Dawnhadnotyetbrokenwhenweroseandproceededthroughtheslumberingstreetsbeneathaskythatwasofadullyellow，andamidanatmospherethatwasfullofthesmellofburning。 “Fivedaysnowhastheforestbeenonfire，“observedGubin。 “Yetthefoolscannotsucceedinputtingitout。“ PresentlytheestablishmentofthemerchantsBirkinlaybeforeus，anestablishmentofcuriousaspect，sinceitconstituted，rather，aconglomerationofappendagestoamainbuildingofgroundfloorandattics，withfourwindowsfacingontothestreet，andaseriesofunderproppingannexes。Thatseriesextendedtothewing，andwassolidandpermanent，andbadefairtooverflowintothecourtyard，andthroughtheentrance-gates，andacrossthestreet，andtotheverykitchen-gardenandflower-gardenthemselves。Also，itseemedtohavebeenstolenpiecemealfromsomewhere，andatdifferentperiods，andfromdifferentlocalities，andtackedathaphazardontothewallsoftheparenterection。Moreover，allthewindowsofthelatterweresmall，andintheirgreenpanes，astheyconfrontedtheworld，therewasatimidandsuspiciousair，while，inparticular，thethreewindowswhichfaceduponthecourtyardhadironbarstothem。Lastly，therewereposted，sentinel-likeontheentrance-steps，twowater-buttsasaprecautionagainstfire。 “Whatthinkyouoftheplace？“Gubinmutteredashepeeredintothewell。“Isn’titabarbaroushole？Therightthingwouldbetopullitdownwholesale，andthenrebuilditonlargerandlessrestrictedlines。Yetthesefoolsmerelygotackingnewadditionsontotheold。“ Forawhilehislipsmovedasinanincantation。Thenhefrowned，glancedshrewdlyatthestructuresinquestion，andcontinuedsoftly: “ImaysayinpassingthattheplaceisMINE。“ “YOURS？“ “Yes，mine。Atallevents，soitusedtobe。“ Andhepulledagrimaceasthoughhehadgotthetoothachebeforeaddingwithanairofcommand: “Come！Iwillpumpoutthewater，andYOUshallcarryittotheentrance-stepsandfillthewater-butts。Hereisapail，andherealadder。“ Whereafter，withaconsiderabledisplayofstrength，hesetabouthisportionofthetask，whilstImyselftookpailinhandandadvancedtowardsthestepstofindthatthewater-buttsweresorottenthat，insteadofretainingthewater，theyletitleakoutintothecourtyard。Gubinsaidwithanoath: